December 24, 2000
Merry Christmas Eve All! Iíve been totally lazy the last couple of weeks with this pageÖbut Iím staying strong on the diet. Iím eating three meals and avoiding the holiday goodies and I am holding my own. I havenít gained any weight. Currently, I am on vacation at my parentís home in KY. Gosh I miss them and itís great to spend some time with them. I have to go back home tomorrow so I will have a day to rest on the 26th. My sister and her husband came down here to celebrate Christmas too but they left today because Dennis (my brother in law) has to celebrate with his family. So our family had Christmas on Thursday. Which was nice. I got some nice gifts and the best gift of all was to be with my familyÖwhich is priceless.
Well I have some New Years Resolutions setÖsome of them are weight concerning and some of them are personal. First off, this is the year that Iím going to take it off. Iíve had one year of maintaining near the 200 mark so Iím going to take the rest off during the course of the year. Iím going to be committed to my treadmill and Iím going to join the gym near my workplace. Iím going to be more organized at my home and be neater. All plausible things I can work on. Iím also going to work on my relationship with ShawnÖheís been driving me nuts the last couple of months. Heís really beginning to piss me off. I thought moving to Michigan would give us a chance to work things out but when Iím away from himÖIím a much happier person. Does that make any sense? I swear that sometimes he isnít the man for me. In fact, I swear there is someone else out there meant for me because Iím just so frustrated with the whole relationship. Being away from him for 12 days helped me think about it a lot. I guess I have been treating the relationship like an old shoeÖhey, itís comfortable but when you observe it a lot closer, the comfortable shoe does a lot more damage to you than you thinkÖit makes your foot hurt and it does damage that you cannot see. I care about him as a personÖbut hell if I want to be his wife because he really does stress me out. Iíve been stressed the past couple of months, my mind has been clouded and I wasnít seeing what I needed to do as a person to fulfill my journey through life. Iíve been lazy, complacent in the person I am, I have not been challenging myself to do better. In fact, I was not stepping out of my comfort box. Being overweight is more comforting than you think. Itís an insulation tool that protects you from the outside world and it keeps you safe and comfortableÖyet you are not moving forwardÖyouíre staying stuck and staying stuck can make you miserable. I am making myself miserable because I can move on. I can lose this weightÖI can move away from this relationship but I havenít because it is comfortable. Being fat is comforting because I have an excuse of not meeting new peopleÖ, which is, Iím fat. Thatís my piss poor excuse. Which only drags me down into thinking I am a less desirable human being because Iím holing 55 more pounds on my body. In fact, itís not the pounds that is holding me back, itís just the crazy mental *hit I put on myself and itís my excuse. I have to get out of my comfort boxÖitís about time. Hum, I hope this is just not talk. Lets get it on and go after our goals in the new year! Itís the only time, we allow ourselves for a new beginnings, and Iím ready for that change. Take care all and have a merry Christmas! ĖKellie
December 6, 2000
The weather was so bad out this afternoon work let us out early today. I'm finally getting adjusted to the blazer in driving it and I'm finding the joys of owning a SUV because that 4 x 4 is nice. I especially like it when I'm having to drive on slush and ice. Well, I got some really great news at work this week! Starting in the new year, everyone got a huge pay increase! What a grand surprise...man I love my agency. Everything is working out good there. My case load is relatively low, the benefits are great, the pay is excellent, and most of the people I work with are nice. So everything is working out for the best.
Concerning the weight, I lost 2.5 pounds this weekend. Not bad concerning the gain last week. I watched myself pretty closely this week to make sure that I was good. The only thing I need to be careful of this week is the egg nog. I had some in my fridge from the holiday and I had a couple of cups of it during the past few days so I think I'm going to pour it out. Humm, I just can't have that sitting in my fridge, it's just too tempting!
Well, I made a decision about the buddy board...unfortunately due to my laziness, it has caused a lack of participation so I think for now, I'm going to say goodbye to the weigh in board but I will keep the message board. It's just too much for me right now and my slacking was evident because I didn't update it since 11/9 and that is close to a month ago. How embarrassing is that? How am I supposed to motivate people if I can't even update the board. Maybe when I get adjust to my life, I will bring it back because, well, it's hard to see it go and I've struggled with this decision for sometime...humm...well that it for me today, take care all-Kellie