July 30, 2001

BODY: I just didn’t wake up this morning to go swimming. I got off on a funny sleep pattern this weekend so it was difficult to fall asleep last night. So tomorrow through Friday, will be my swim days because I’m committed to 4 days a week of swimming. I had every intention of swimming this morning but when the alarm went off…my body said…"You’re not going anywhere this morning Kellie". I ate well this weekend so it felt good that I was actually able to do so. Usually, I struggle greatly on the weekends…so maybe I’m over those hurdles…

MIND: Not too much growth here lately. I should be picking up some books again but it seems like ebay is hot again so I’ve been spending most of my time post stuff. I actually stopped selling for about a month because things were so slow but it’s picking up again and I have a ton of stock to get rid of. The pictures show all of my ebay crap and folks, it’s beginning to get overwhelming in a 980 sq foot apartment. I’m running out of room. Thank goodness I don’t have a garage because I would be completely out of control then.

SPIRIT: Vacation is soon approaching. My mom, dad, uncle, aunt, and possibly Teresa are coming up the weekend of the 10th. I can’t wait! We are just going to bump around and do some touristy things. We’re all staying at the Dennis’s parents cabin in grand ole’ Baldwin, Michigan. It’s going to be a blast. I’m just about ready for vacation because my case load is 5 but I only have 3 active families on my work load and it’s becoming a pain to look like I am busy. So by the end of August I should have about 5 new families because school is back in session and the problems come out. Enough about work…out of the blue my high school chum Angela contacted me via email. For all you long time readers, she’s the chick who discriminated against me by not having me in her wedding. For years she stated, “Kellie, I want you to be one of my bridesmaids” but when she saw how much weight I had gained when I ran into her at the gas station and I guess she decided not to have me in because she sent me an invite without mentioning it. Then when I sent a decline to go (my folks just moved to KY, it was my spring break and I hadn’t seen them since Christmas, so chose them over the wedding) she called me up to state..the only reason why I was not asked was because “I was a poor college student”. Honestly, I think it was the weight. She was always obsessed with her body after losing 60 pounds and she wanted the perfect thin wedding…and that’s what she got. After being in a couple of weddings, I now realize that it’s not really a big deal to be in one but she had been pumping it so much before that it was an utter shock that she did not ask me. I should have known that she wasn’t going to ask me because the last time she saw me in 1997, she looked at me like a vile disgusting thing. Anyways enough history but she saw my profile on and decided to drop me a line. At first I was like, I hey…I don’t want to talk to her but then the curiosity just killed me so I dropped her a line. She will be the first real friend I had from the past that I attempted to correspond with because I would rather erase my existence from the crappy town of Marine City, Michigan. Take care all-Kellie

July 25, 2001

BODY: Went swimming this morning…my times were pretty slow today but I think it was that I forgot to stretch this morning. Opps, I usually wake up, put my suit on, cook my egg whites, and stretch. Stretching is very important when it comes to swimming because you are moving everything. I was semi bad today, I chose not to pass up some birthday cake. It was just sitting there in front of me and I just ate it. Shame on me. I’ve been using diet watch this week and my sodium, of course is always high but my fat grams usually average around 24 and calories range from 1200 – 1500. Okay…so when am I going to drop some weight…though of course I should have thought about that before eating that darn piece of cake.

MIND: Been exploring some weightloss journals on the net. It’s amazing to read about other’s experiences because everyone is unique. There’s some great ones out there. Plus it motivates me in my own journey.


SPIRIT: Oh, I am getting old. I can’t believe that I’m almost 26…yikes! But you know the funny thing, I feel 22/23. I guess I’m just refusing to grow up. I look at my face in the mirror sometimes and I’m getting those small tiny smile lines. There’s nothing wrong with that but sometimes I wonder how am I going to look in five, ten, or twenty years (GOD, hoping that I am fortunate enough to make it to those stages). I just hope I’m healthy because I need to get this weight off. Then of course, I get mildly upset at times that I’m at the prime of my life and I’m obese (according to my BMI). I came across a picture on my puter of me when I was 20 and I thought I looked horrible at the time…now looking back at it, well, I think I was beautiful…heck I’m still beautiful. That’s amazing because now I feel pretty darn good about myself…if I could have only felt that way 5 years ago, maybe I wouldn’t have been in this position today. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

July 24, 2001

BODY: I did my usual this morning…swimming of course! Though, it was hard for me to go to bed last night so I managed to fall asleep at 11:15 but I woke up at 5:40..enough sleep for me. I think it’s the Vanilla Starbucks Frappuccino that I am addicted to. That’s my desert/treat for the night. So I better lay off the caffeine. I generally have no caffeine in my diet so I guess that won’t hurt very much. I noticed that my scale is at the same weight. I’ve been trying to maintain some type of consistency in my eating habits but it’s still not showing on the scale…maybe I’m just losing inches not pounds. I took a new weekly picture…lets see if I’m visibly losing anything.

MIND: Nothing is changing in this department right now…I really didn’t a chance to read today…

SPIRIT: Work is going slow right now. I’m down to a few families so September isn’t going to come fast enough because referrals will come back in again. I swear summer time is the cure for at-risk families because they simply do not want therapy or treatment in the summer time but come fall, it will be help me, help me. Funny how those things work. Speaking of work. Women who are my age of 25/26 that have mega kids always amaze me. I met this one woman today in the doctors office when I was accompanying someone across the street from work and she was my age (I thought she was at least 35) and had 5 children. Gosh, it’s amazing what children and drugs can do to a person. Heck, it’s amazing what people will share with strangers in the doctor’s office. Maybe I have that vibe of “Hey, I’m a social worker”. In working with individuals, I’m always amazed when I get people who come and tell me their whole life stories, when just initially meeting them. People are strange animals…take care all-Kellie

July 23, 2001

BODY: Went swimming this morning but I could only get in 29 laps to my usual 32. My goggles broke, well just part of the rubber strap, and I ended up wasting 8 minutes on fixing them and I got to the pool late this morning because I forgot my clothes when I got out to my car this morning. I was just ready to leave and it was like, oh, I forgot something. To find out, I forgot my work clothes. You see when I get up, I crawl into my suit then I put my sweats on and a tee on. By the time I’m out the door, I have my gym bag, my purse, my food and water, and my morning fried egg whites…so I am bound to forget something. So needless to say, I was late getting to the pool this morning. I can’t complain about my goggles too much because I’ve had them since 1996, when I took a swim class in college so they’ve had a good lifespan but I’m hesitant to buy a new pair. So I looked on the Speedo website and their goggles are so expensive. Maybe I’ll have to hit McSporting Goods or other sporting goods store for end of the season deals. While I was at the Speedo Website, I saw my perfect swim bag…this $60 bag…is my dream bag. Those little rich punk kids in Louisville had them and I thought they were stunning but I will have to save my money for a while to get something like this…but isn’t it purdy?

MIND: Continuing to read my self-esteem books. I’m almost at the end now…a worthwhile read, I must say. I found an interesting article about a former “Fat Bigot” and a man’s former views of fat women, posted in the Courier Journal (Louisville’s Newspaper). The ending of the article is true…most women I have talked to during my two years of journaling gain the weight from pregnancy, college, etc. Honestly, I really find a person that has been obese their whole life.

SPIRIT: Lacking in this department today…but I got a new pair of Dr. Marten’s this weekend from Shawn. Which, is totally strange because the guy hardly ever buys me things. I just asked him if he would buy me a pair of Doc’s and he said “Yes”, so I couldn’t refuse. I got the original 3 eye Gibson. I know I should have gotten the brown pair but I wanted the black…nothing’s prettier. I had a pair of Doc’s back in 1992. I bought them at Meijer for $20 on clearance. Their life span was 4 years but they got so smelly that I had to trash them. What killed the was that I was a waitress one summer and they were my work shoes and the greasy restaurant that smelled like fish, killed them. So ever since them, I have been dying for another pair. Now, I have them :) That’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

July 18, 2001

BODY: Swimming…Swimming…Swimming…and folks, it feels good. Now all I have to do is be a little more consistent in my food journaling so I should start to lose some weight. Though, the weekends kill me. I have to transfer my success during the week to the weekend. I think I’m going to go to the weight watchers meeting either on Saturday morning or tomorrow night. I guess I can thank the US government for that because supposedly, I’m going to get a refund check next week. Now lets see if that happens. I think the meetings will do me some good and maybe I can meet others like me. Plus, I will be held accountable. I was doing okay at the Work Weight Watchers but my leader “wicked Wanda” was not focusing the meetings so much on weight but conquests with men in her past. Definitely not good so I didn’t rejoin because I thought I was wasting my money. Try, Try again…help is out there…hopefully I will find a motivating meeting. That’s what I need, behavior modification at it’s finest.

MIND: Still reading Joyce’s Book with building self esteem so far, I’m impressed with it.

SPIRIT: Work is kind of wacky right now. There is this new therapist in the adult unit and she seems to be causing a stir in our happy little dysfunctional workplace family. She’s caused a mild chaotic event with my office mate and the secretary staff. According to the new chic, she “overheard” the sectaries stating that my office mate stays out all night partying all the time so no wonder she can’t function during the day. Then the new chic went to my office mate (they knew each other casually from grad school) and stated “As a friend…I think you should know that so and so said…” so this caused an office uproar. Gosh, why are women so caddy. Office mate then found out that new chic got her story messed up and overheard the wrong thing and now everyone is fuming because there was a mild confrontation. Office mate and sectary staff thinks new girl is untrustworthy and new chic thinks she was ambushed. All I know is thank god, I stay out of that office drama bull crap. This is the first time that this has happened at the work place so hopefully after the confrontation, this won’t happen again….after all, we are social workers/therapists…and grownups. Well that’s it for me, take care all-Kellie

July 16, 2001

BODY: I just couldn’t get up this morning to go swim…the trip really wore me out (look how tired I look!). I tried but I just couldn’t. That’s okay, I’ll swim in the morning. I ate okay during the trip but realistically, I could have done better but at least I didn’t gain any. The scale is not moving in either direction so that can be good or bad…I’ll keep on trying. I found a weight watchers place that has late hours in Comstock Park so I think I might go out there for meetings. Plus being a blue cross blue shield member, I can join Weight Watchers for $10 a week. Maybe that’s what I need to jump start the diet because right now, I am just floating. Good floating but I really want to start to lose again instead of maintaining.

MIND: Began to read a self-esteem book by Joyce Verald. I’ll let you all know how that is going. I made up my mind to pursue my Ph.D. in social work in the Fall of 2003 at the University of Louisville. Now all I have to do is start studying, reading research journals again, and get rid of all my bills. I pay $100 extra a month on my student aid bill and I forecast that I will be done with my credit card bill in December. Not bad, eh? That means that I have paid $6000 off in credit card bills in the last year.

SPIRIT: I desperately miss Louisville. When I was there on the trip, it felt like home. Grand Rapids just doesn’t feel like home. Maybe it’s been in my mindset the whole time that I would be going back but folks when you find a little piece of heaven, you just want to return. I went by my old apartment and apparently, my landlord must have died because a big corporation had the apartment for rent. Mrs. Mohlenkamp was 89 years old and she was the best landlord ever. She kept that place immaculate. I got to see Teresa (my best friend ) and Chris (her fiancé). We went to Joe’s Crab Shack and hung out on Thursday night. Then on Friday, we went to Mammoth Cave with Shawn, his mom, and cousin Birdie who is a spitfire at the age of 70. Unfortunately, due to Birdies bad knees we were not able to go on a big tour so we did a quarter mile tour. On Saturday, we went to the reunion and Teresa came out to bowling green where we stayed. Sunday, we returned home and thank goodness because I had enough of Shawn. I won’t *itch about this too long but oh, he is so jealous of my relationship with Teresa…I can talk to her about anything. He accused me of being a bad friend because I supposively “told her to come to bowling green” I told him that she wanted to visit me. Then he stated that I was nothing but rude when I didn’t ask he permission for her to come out…I told him that I wasn’t under the impression that I had to ask about having a friend out nor was I ever going to ask his permission. Oh, sometimes I wonder how stupid am I…god give me the strength. I couldn’t fathom marring him for the above reason…he’s selfish and jealous. So what in the hell is wrong with me that I end up putting up with this crap. It must be my low self-esteem…I just shake my head and wonder about how long am I going to do this to myself. My own worst enemy is myself and the fear of loneliness. But I’m still hoping…for something…Take care all Kellie

July 10, 2001

BODY: Went swimming again this morning! I’ve been eating well the past two days so I can’t complain but TOM is present so I don’t even have a clue of what I weigh. I had something disagree with me tonight and my stomach feels like it’s in knots…hopefully I’m not coming down with the stomach flu…argh, now that wouldn’t be good because I’m going to Louisville on Thursday….

MIND: No growth in this area today:)

SPIRIT: I am beginning to loathe my white trash neighbors…ah apartment living sucks. Above is the playground that sits outside my window…gee am I lucky or what? Just an hour ago I told a neighbor kid to get off my patio. He was standing on my patio right next to my slider window. I could care less if they stand on the grass but when they start to invade my personal space of the patio…there’s got to be some boundaries. Hell, when I was their age, I would never think of going up to someone else’s window and start fooling around. I guess he has a friend upstairs but that’s no excuse. So I told him “Get off my patio” Okay, no I wasn’t nice but he just stood there and looked at me so again I said “Didn’t you hear me get off from my patio” so he then scrambles off and apparently Daddy heard me yelling at him and told him, “Don’t you pay attention to that woman”, then I heard that and told his dad “Hey, I have every right to yell at him because it’s just plain rude to come up on my patio” and then he asked his son “Did you go on her patio?” “No dad” stated the boy. “That’s a lie. He was standing next to my slider and he doesn’t belong there. I don’t go up to your slider and do that” then he starts telling me that he is taking care of it…in a nice rude tone aka mind your own business *itch. F*** him. Damn trashy white neighbors. He’s got tattoos all over plus a mullet and then his trashy son has a mullet. Nothing says white trash than having a mullet and then cutting your 7-year-olds son’s into one. Get a freaking clue! Okay…enough of that! Arrgh! One day, I will live in a house, with a back yard, and privacy….I’ll keep on telling myself that. Okay, I’m heading down to Louisville for Thursday – Sunday with Shawn and his mom. She’s got a family reunion to attend down there and of course; I cannot pass up a trip to Louisville. I’m supposed to see Teresa(my best friend) sometime so I’m looking forward to that. Hopefully I can survive the car ride with Shawn and his mom…at least his father is not because he gets on my nerves worse then his mom. Well I hope you all have a nice week and I will chat with y’all on Sunday. Take care all-Kellie

July 9, 2001

BODY: Went swimming again this morning. My cute college life guard was replaced with a sqeeky highschool boy. Oh well! Maybe he will be back but at least I only had to pay $2.50 to get into the pool today because he let me in as a resident, which is awesome because I’m not a resident of the town and non-residents pay $3.50…saves me a buck. The workout was awesome. I can’t believe that I’ve not been swimming in over a year. Gosh, it’s so good to be back in the pool. I figure I will swim Monday – Thursday. This weeks goal is to swim 32 laps of the 25 length for a total of 800 meters I think…yeah, something like that. I took my swim pics for my swim page and my arms look horrible…argh, everything else is okay but the arms look like droppy fat off of limbs. Well that is something to work on.

MIND: I am now reading Total Immersion: The revolutionary Way to Swim Better, Faster, and Easier. I figure that anything worth helping me in the pool can do me some good.

SPPRIT: I tried conviencing a co-worker today that weightloss pills are not a great way to lose weight. She stated that she is looking for a quick fix but she knows it’s not the answer. She got really scared when she found out that her Metabolife pills contained Ephedra / Ma Huang…dangerous stuff that sent me to the hospital a few years back (the chemicals were in Dr. Atkins pills). I read in Bethanne’s Journal that another girl had the same thing happen to her so I’m not the only one out there that had a severe reactions. Please stay away from that crap…weightloss isn’t worth a bad heart! Anyways, I volunteered to let a co-worker use my Old Weight Watchers book for a week to see if she wants to join WW. We were discussing how we look at weight as a hill and only acknowledging the big picture, instead of the little hills. I’m beginning to view weightloss again as the little hills and those little hills will add up to be mountains shedding from my body :) Not bad, eh? Take care all-Kellie

July 8, 2001

BODY: Swimming is doing great but I was so sore last week. It was a total shock for my body to get back into physical exertion when I have not done it for so long. I figure I will swim M-Th and have Fridays off. Though I have to get used to getting up at 5:40 in the morning and adjusting my sleep schedule. Argh, now that is going to take some getting used to.

MIND: Finished reading my “Miranda’s Big Mistake” novel. I’m a sucker for British non-fiction novels…can’t help it. Besides that…nothing is going on with the mind today. I’m just happy that I got to spend my Sunday mostly alone :)

SPIRIT: Went wild at an estate sale yesterday. Yes wild…I must admit to spending $430! Okay so what in the hell did I buy for $430? Well I bought a 90+ piece set of mint Jade-ite Fire King glassware (bowls, plates, cups, saucers, platters, etc.). Then I bought a huge Jade-ite swirl bowl and two compacts. Okay so I have an extra paycheck coming up and in September, supposedly I am supposed to get a $1000 bonus check at work. So I thought what the hell…go for it. I was originally going to sell it on ebay because I could possibly get $600 plus but I just can’t sell it…it’s mine all mine but now I’m going to have to find a case for my kitchen to display it. I have a 50’s retro kitchen. The picture above is at my old kitchen before I moved to this place..I added two more lucy chairs but that’s what I’m going to have to find something that matches that style. So it’s going to either have to be white or chrome. I have some ideas but I doubt if I will find a case that easy. Well that’s it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie

July 4, 2001

BODY: I STARTED TO SWIM AGAIN!!!! Yes, my body was thanking me yesterday. I was supposed to start off Monday but the lifeguard didn’t show up so I had to start Tuesday and I couldn’t be happier now. Oh water how I missed you! It felt so good to get back into that pool. Though I must admit to being very sore today but oh it was worth it. I swam 31 laps and my times were actually descent the average being 37.51 seconds a lap (I thought I was going to be in the 40’s but I will take thirty something). Total lap swim time was 19.51.71 so I will put it up on the swim page. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the curves membership, maybe I will attempt to go there on my off day but that place is horribly hot in the summer time. Their air conditioning is not cool enough and I get that passey out feeling when it’s warm outside. I asked if they were looking into making the place colder but they just kind of blew me off. I’ll figure something out because $30 a month is coming out of my pocket book. Don’t you hate contracts?

MIND: I’m finished my new book from Jane Green “Bookends”. I was so obsessed with her writing that I just had to get her other books from the UK because they were not released here until next year and all I can say is that it was worth the money. Bookends was an excellent book. What I like about Green is that she uses the norm woman who are usually in their 20s to early 30s who are still trying to find themselves. A must read for any woman. I got the new tomb raider CD and I’m loving every second of it…I’m a huge Moby and NIN fan so the CD rocks, even though the movie wasn’t great the CD makes up for it.

SPIRIT: Well, guess what? I went camping last weekend. I just told Shawn “look, we are going camping”. After some huffing and complaining it would just be for a night he gave in. We went to Algonac State Park along the St. Clair River and camped for $11. I wanted to go there because I’m originally from that area and it was a safe place to get inducted to the world of camping. I had a good time but I don’t think Shawn did. He’s the type of guy who has to be entertained all the time. It was just difficult for him to sit down and do nothing. Plus he got annoyed with my brother in law because they were talking about the Michigan Concealed Weapon permit and their views differed. Thank goodness for views to differ because Shawn’s thinking is sometimes off. Work has been hectic the last couple of days. Such udder chaos with the clients. I drove 300+ plus yesterday, from one part of the county to the other dealing with a crisis and I was tired. I’m still kind of tired this morning so probably no festive events for Kellie today because I need that rest period. It’s not the physical rest I need but more the mental. So I think I will drive into Grand Rapids today and chill a little then come back home and rest. Honestly, at home I’m usually diddling with ebay or something but tonight it will be just me, relaxing maybe with a movie. Take care all and enjoy the 4th! Kellie

My Vistors Since July 4, 2001

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