What did I eat today? Food log @
July 16, 2002
SHAPE: Things are continuing to go well in this department despite my .50 gain this week due to TOM. I noticed that lately I have been eating in the higher point range and I think I need to start and buckle down again to eat at least in the midpoint range. I tend to lose a little more when I average about 24 points a day with 4 days of exercise. My skin is looking great. I notice the largest amount of excess skin is in my inner thigh region. Iím not too sure on how to make this area firmer but I have noticed that itís not really tone in that area. Funny thing about losing weight is that I am not noticing it. Weightloss is a total mind set for me. If it werenít for the scale or my clothes, I would have no idea that I am dropping the pounds. Ideally in 5 months, I would like to be around 175 at Christmas time. Thatís just a number but it would be nice to be in a solid size of 16 then. In clothes, Iím wearing a loose 18W and a perfect 16W. Iíve given myself until the end of summer to get rid of some of my old stuff. I figure then, Iíll take some of the rougher stuff down south and the rest I will sell on ebay. I still keep on adding stuff to my closet from the Salvation Army or Goodwill. I found a beautiful top from Old Navy this weekend so I canít wait til I wear it this fall. I also found a stunning denim overcoat from Anne Klein that I bought at Hudsonís (I refuse to call it Marshall Fields) for $25 regular $175Önow is that a bargain or not?
OTHER MEANINGLESS RAMBLINGS: Iím done with my second school social worker class at U of M. I will know by March if I am accepted into the Ph.D. program so I can make my plans then, my back up plan is to be a school social worker. Thatís why Iím taking the classes now. Shawn and I have been having troubles with the school thing again. I actually agreed not to pursue my doctorate until the fall of 2004 because he had me convinced that it wasnít the best move for me. He would like me to have at least $20000 in the bank when I start back. He said the $7000 I plan on having wouldnít go very far. I had been listening to that for two months and I guess I just got sick of it and agreed to it. I think the bomb was that he stated that he couldnít marry me until 2006, if I chose to go back to school because there would be no time. Now that is a crappy thingÖI canít deal with that bargain because my heart is set on next year. I also toyed with the idea of attempting to be a residence hall director. With my background, I will be a strong candidate and my health and schooling would be covered then plus a $6000 stipend. Needless to say, I am torn. Iím torn between the person I AM and the PERSON I WANT TO BE. Why could I be that person who wants to settle down, be the little wife? Itís not in me. I was not socialized to be that person. I was socialized to be independent and chase my goals and my goal is to be Dr. Kellie E and if I fail, at least I can say I tried and disappointment does not come from not trying but it comes from not pursuing.
Needless to say, Iím stressed. I need a vacation, I need to spend time with my folks, Teresa (my best friend in Kentucky) and time for myself. Iím hoping to take some time off at the end of August. My summer is just passing me by but at least I expected this. HummÖ.I just keep on imagining myself on a raft in the middle of the lake. Now that is peaceful! Take care all-Kellie
July 7, 2002
BODY: Iím down another pound this week. Technically, Iím down three from last week but I gained two then. I think the gain was a fluke because I had pizza for dinner the night before and it screwed up my weight because the whole week, I was within my point range. So on the weight watchers scale I am 194 Ĺ!!! My scale says Iím 189 Ė 190. I canít believe it! Soon I will be smaller than when I was down in Louisville. Everything is fitting better. Unfortunately, Iím not going out to but a bunch of clothes right now. Iíve gotten some nice new stuff from Lands End but itís been the Not Perfect items where it is 75% off so Iím not spending a bundle. One thing that Iíve noticed about my closet is that half of my stuff is stuff I want to get into, ľ is stuff that I wear, and ľ of the stuff I will never wear (again or just plain wear). I figure when I get to goal, I will then have a field day at Goodwill or something. Periodically, when I go to Goodwill, I will pick up stuff that is for down the road. I have a couple of nice 14 khakis for work. As for my old stuff, will I admit that I am drowning in it. Some people at work question why donít run out to get a whole bunch of stuff, well, I just donít want to spend a fortunate only to give it to Goodwill. I know I actually need to get some suits out of my closet but I just havenít. I have this lovely Lord & Taylor suit that I bought for interviewing for $150 and Iíve only worn it five timesÖYikes! Then I have an Elizabeth suit that I bought at Goodwill that is just lovelyÖI just need to get rid of the stuff. I guess Iím just creating my own problems because in all realties, the clothing needs to go. Funny how I have a stupid attachment to clothingÖis this normal??? Maybe itís just difficult to let things go and realize things have changedÖ
OTHER MEANINGLESS RAMBLES: Shawn found my last entry left on the computer. Yikes, he thought I was going to post that on the weight watchers board. He was upset but it was a nice springboard to discuss what was going on. His opinion is that he is not stressed but itís because we are not intimate enough. Okay, whatever is what I think. Itís been rough to be intimate with him. When heís rude/nasty/mean/etc. I will not be up for anything but avoiding him. Then the worst thing happened about two weeks ago, him and my mom had wordsÖnasty words. It started out when my mom was spending the night over here because of a doctorís appointment the next day. When she got to the apartment, Shawn wouldnít let her in the sliding door she had a ton of stuff in her hand so she had to walk around to the front door and she had no clue what apartment number it was...she eventually got in. Then later that night Shawn almost ran her down. When she asked him if he knew that she was there he replied ďWell Betty, you got to look out for us big guysĒ. Okay, that was too rude for her so she basically called him an ass for doing that. So we eventually went to bed and then at 3am in the morning, Shawn gets up and states, ďIím going homeĒ, I was of course just waking up to this and stated ďWhy are you going to your parents home? This is your homeĒ and then he of course states ďI want to see my parentsĒ then I tear into about how this is his home and he canít run from problems. Then the final words I stated to him before crying were that, ďand Iím supposed to marry you one day!Ē Then I just cried and eventually fell asleep. I guess they made amends in the morning but then Shawn still had a little chip on his shoulder so he refused to go to a family function on that Saturday. I guess things are getting better now but urgh, what a frustrating experience!
Iíve been actively studying for the GRE. I guess they are changing the format of their testing and they are getting rid of those nasty logic problems!! I swear Iím not going to let this test kill me. I just need to practice, practice, practice. I got a ton of books off of Half.com so I will be prepared. Now, I just have to brush up on my technical writing skills and research skills. I have six months to do thisÖand six months are going to go quick. Iím praying that I get in. If I donít well, being a school social worker wonít be badÖI can handle it! But being Dr. Kellie sure sounds good. I just want to teach at some small school and do some research. Well, thatís it for me todayÖtake care all-Kellie