June 26, 2003
Things are going good food wise this week. Iím looking forward to going to Weight Watchers on Saturday so that I can get a weigh in. Itís about time because I hate skipping meetings but I had to volunteer early at the zoo so I had no other option last week. I have to put in about two hours on Saturday at the zoo but I need to go in at 9:45 instead of 9:00 this time so I will have time to enjoy my meeting. I love going to the meetings because they are so informative/helpful/uplifting. Plus itís nice to see everyone lose some of those pounds. Most of the people that started when I did are about to their goal or have a little bit more to lose. Iím happy that I am taking it slow and just eating. Iím back on track with cooking. I cooked everyday this week. Last night, I made the fiesta Mexican chicken soup for 2 points. I had two bowls of that so itís quick and easy. I used reduced sodium broth so that I could watch my sodium intake. That soup is so yummy and itís so quick to make.
I had a very strange dream this morning. Usually I am able to interpret peopleís dreams but I am having trouble with interpreting my own. It started by me being in a parking lot and I look over and see Creepy Chrisís (okay this is what former Chris is going to be known as because I just met a new Chris so we wonít confuse the two) truck over parked at Walgreenís (where he worked) it felt like I was looking for him/stalking him. Then all of a sudden I had Shawn coming towards me and I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told him that it was so nice to see him (but I noticed that he had some deep scars/wounds on his face) and then I get into a car with him and he takes me to his place. He goes into his place and itís rather creepy and there is this blonde scary woman sitting in a chair in the corner and I feel very unsafe so I run out and then I speed away and then I noticed that he left his keys in the car with me so I turn around and throw his keys back in the driveway and I speed out of there. Crazy ass dream and I lack any interpretation so if you have any insight to dream analysis, I would love to hear it. It was just so vivid that it was disturbing.
Okay, met Pilot Chris for lunch on Tuesday. It was nice and we chatted like old friends. I felt comfortable talking with him. I paid myself for lunch before he got the chance to offer. I know he asked me out but if we are doing this as a friends thingÖI figured that I should just pay. As for any sparks, Iím not too sure. Heís not the usual guy that I would go for. I still feel kind of shell shocked from creepy Chris because itís like Iím kind of afraid to trust againÖyou know? Itís like gosh, I have some baggage now and I better unpack it. But I liked spending time with him. The hour and half we were together just fly by. Pilot Chris asked me to go flying with him on Friday so if the weather is good, Iím going to take him up on his offer. Iíve never been on a plane before. My parents stated that I flew when I was 1 but heck if I remember that because I was too darn young. So I will keep you guys posted.
Does anyone have the desire out there to go white water rafting with me? Hey, Iím making the offer so if anyone does, I would love the company. I was thinking about some time around the week of July 22 Ė 27 and going doing to Oak Hill, West Virginia for an excursion. Thereís a company called ACE Rafting that goes down the upper and lower rivers. If it sounds good, email me. Maybe thereís someone out there that is interested but didnít have anyone to go with. Iím going regardless so maybe a new friend could join me. Well take care all-Kellie
June 23, 2003
I volunteered at the zoo on Saturday so I was not able to make the WW meeting. I would have to speculate that Iím still the same. One thing that I have noticed lately is that I am not eating as well as I could be. My meals are not that balanced and Iím generally eating quick, fast, and high in sodium goods so this needs to be addressed ASAP. I need to start to cook again in a healthy mannerÖyou know, that balanced meal thing where I have some chicken paired with a vegetable, etc. I just have been opting for easy stuff lately and I hate that. So time to get back on track!
I had a great weekend this past weekend. Friday, Mike and I went to go see the Hulk and then we walked the Grand Haven Boardwalk off of Lake Michigan. Saturday, I volunteered at the zoo for about 5 hours, came home and relaxed and then took myself to the movies and saw 2 fast 2 furious (I liked itÖokay?) and Sunday I lounged around the house for a little while and then I went to the beach in Muskegon, walked the coast line, and then got an ice cream with Mike and played a round of mini golf so overall it was a great weekend. I loved going to the beach and just hanging out. The weather was a perfect 82 degrees out so you couldnít beat that.
So do you think Iím doing okay with my activities? Iím trying to keep busy because heck, itís summer time and I like to be on the go. I absolutely had wonderful time this weekend and Iím looking forward to the rest of the summer. Iím enjoying owning the jeep too. I only have 7 more days until my folks come up so that I can get the top off of it.
Iím going to grab lunch tomorrow with someone I bumped into at the bookstore the other night. I figure weíll see if we have anything in common with each other. Iím not looking for a romantic relationship but heck, the prospect of a new friend is always nice. Iíll let you know how that goes. As for dating, I honestly think I need to just meet and go out with a lot of different people. In the past, Iíve always been the long term relationship girl so maybe I need to change/spice things up a bit and not be so ready for a long term commitmentÖjust a commitment to have fun and enjoy the person youíre with would be nice. Weíll see. I think Iím going to start a dating adventure page on this site just to do something new to discuss my adventures in the dating world. Humm, weíll see. Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
June 17, 2003
Life is finally getting back to normal. I got to hit a WW meeting on Saturday and Iím down another pound. According to their scale Iím at 157.50Öthus making me 17 more pounds closer to goal. Which is truly amazing that I could be about 17 Ė 30 weeks away from goal! I figure as long as I hit goal by the end of the year, Iíll be happy (though, Iím incredibly happy now at the weight Iím at). Itís official now though, IíM NO LONGER OVERWEIGHT ACCORDING TO MY BMI!!! Iíve gone from Obese, to overweight, now to normal. How does normal feel? Well it feels damn good. What feels good is the empowerment. Well for me, I actually never felt empowered before. I donít know why I didnít but it was just something I lacked within my personality. Coming from a social worker, that must sound pretty funny because my whole practice is focused on empowering others. But I did lack empowerment. I think the empowerment came from my successes, the choices, and growth that I have been through in the last year and half. My perspective on life has completely changed for the better. So this is what this journey has given to meÖa better sense of self.
Went down to Saugatuck with Mike this past weekend. They were having the Waterfront Film Festival where the town played independent films. We watched two filmsÖwell actually a film and half. The first film was a dorky comedy that I got a great laugh out of and the second was a drama. Unfortunately, the drama broke in the middle of it and we had to get our money back. We then walked around the town and grabbed a coffee. I had a great time with him. We might get together this weekend to just hang out so weíll see.
So what are my personal goals at this time? Well, I actually have some crazy goals right now both emotionally and just general goals. Goal 1: I would like to meet more people so this is what I am doing:. (1) Volunteering at the John Ball Zoo in Grand Rapids, Iím going to attempt to volunteer at the Meijer Gardens in the fall (2) I went to church this past Sunday. I was informed by two old ladies that there are not any single men around and I told them that Iím definitely not interested in meeting any men at this point in my life (3) Iím still working on the swimming thing. It seems kind of intimidating so Iím going to continue to work on that. Goal 2: I would like to simplify my life more so this is what I am doing:. (1) I need to get rid of some of my stuff. My first alternative is to have a garage sale but if I canít have one here comes Goodwill because the stuff needs to go. (2) I need to go through my closet and get rid of those clothes that I will never wear. You know me and goodwill so I have a ton of clothes in my closet but I just donít wear them. Goal 3: I would like to have my own home before I turn 30. So Iím going to save, save, and save. So those are my goals. Kind of just focusing on me.
This turned around this weekend. Saturday was like a eye opener. I donít know what exactly happened but my attitude just changed. Iím moving past Chris but I learned some important valuable lessons from the relationship. Honestly, Iím quite relieved now that it ended. He was like one of those guys that I would have been happy with but I donít know if he challenged me as a person. It almost felt like I stopped growing as a person when I met him. Besides, he messed up and I doubt if I would have ever been able to overlook the cheating aspect of him. Itís a sure sign of trouble when that occurs in a relationship. So Iím a happy single woman, on the go, trying to meet new people, and integrate new activities in her life who is sporting around in a 2003 Jeep Wrangler and let me tell you ladies, if you want some good old fashioned looks, I recommend buying a Jeep because I was able to strike up two conversations at the gas station alreadyÖnow thatís impressive. Have a great day and take care all-Kellie
June 13, 2003
Okay, doing better today. I want to thank you for your kind words that have been sent everyone. Yesterday, I was just sad. I have my sad momentsÖ.it doesnít make things better that Iím due to have my period today so a usual emotional period time is now off the charts. What I miss is that attachment with ďSomeoneĒ but having an attachment with him is not worth it. The thing is I donít miss Chris because lets face it, heís a creep, and he doesnít deserve me. What does bother me is that I was used and I was just being hard on myself for not picking up on that faster. Okay, or at least listening to my gut. I reread some personal journal entries and in hindsight I could see this coming miles away. I donít actually feel like trash but I feel he USED me like trash. I like me, others like me, and I feel good about myself as a person. I am a very good catch and you know what, Iím glad Iím not settling for anything less than I deserve. I could have stayed in the relationship and kept on accepting his little morsels on spending time with me a few hours here and there during the week, or having just a few phone contacts a week but you know what I was strong enough to walk away. Two years ago I would have stuck by his side. Not this Kellie, she walked away because sheís stronger than the old Kellie. Thatís what this weightloss journey has given me is the confidence in myself to walk away from things that need to be let go of. Things will be difficult for a bit but the good thing is that the pain lessens everyday. The pain is not from ďmissing ChrisĒ because unfortunately, he did not allow me to see the real him but just having someone there. Though, Iím not going to rush into a ďquick relationshipĒ I canít. I would be more than easy to hook up with the first thing that comes my way but Iím not going to. I need time so that I can give my next partner the 110% of me that he deserves. What Iím going to do is keep my head held high because I have everything in the world to be proud of, Iím going to be out there, active, and no longer let the world pass me by. So if I needed this horrible experience to get me to this state, then by all means, it was worth it.
I forgot to mention I picked up the jeep and OMG, sheís a beauty. I feel good driving her. Itís everything that I had hoped for and more. I have to clean out the Blazer on Sunday so that I can sell it. Iím going to try to have a garage sale at Bonnies next weekend so I can get rid of some crap. I need to organize my life and my stuff. I want to make my den more of a spare guest room with a futon from IKEA so the stuff needs to go.
Mike and I are going down to Sagatuck tomorrow for the film festival. That will be fun. I guess they have all these independent films and they premiere them like they do at Cannes Film Festival in France. Tonight I think Iím going to go down to Schullers and read, enjoy the music, and eat dinner. I need to get myself out so thatís important. The zoo volunteer training went well, Iím going to look forward to being a volunteer person there. Itís a good way to interact with others in the public and a great way to meet people. My first observation is next Saturday so Iím looking forward to doing that. Iím strongly thinking about the masters swim team next week. It kind of seems intimidating but a good challenge. By no means am I an expert swimmer but maybe they can tailor the program to my needs and thatís another way to meet others, have a good hobby, and to go from there. Iím going to get through this and Iím going to be a better person because of it. Maybe I needed this change in life so Iím sure in the long run, it canít be all bad. Todayís going to be a good day. Take care all-Kellie
June 12, 2003
Humm, Iíve been very depressed this week still. Iím having my good days and bad days but today is a bad day. The one thing that Iíve noticed is that I am not tapping the fridge at this point. In fact, Iím avoiding it. Which is not good. My appetite is extremely poor (I know I'm not eating enough), my sleep is bad where I'm waking up at various times in the night, and Iím having those racing thoughts where all Iím thinking about is Chris. Iíve got to get him out of my mind. You know what the horrible thing in all of this is that I had no idea that the relationship was not going right. I furious with his lack of communication with me and Iím mad at him for treating me like thrown away trash. I feel like thrown away trash. I just want to know why he chose to do this to me BUT I WILL NEVER KNOWÖso I just need to work through my feelings, I need to grieve, and to move on. The funny thing is that his profile is back up at match.com check his profile out his id is: cmscamper he only wasted 24 hours in getting it back up because it was back up on Monday. Folks, how do I get over this used feeling? Now I know everything happens for a reason but why is something like this happening to me? I donít deserve this type of treatment from someone. I just need to give it a rest, I need to start feeling better, and I need to let it go. Iím just really overwhelmed right now and hurt. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to someone else? I really feel for the next woman because sheíll probably get screwed like me. I need to get out of this funk because it is pissing me off. In order to do better, Iím attempting to pamper myself. I got an appointment for me to get an ISO Texture Wave Perm on Monday. I need to change. I want to change, I need to reevaluate things in my life, my priorities, and my desires because I am feeling so empty inside. Just empty. Hopefully this feeling will go away real soon. It just feels like I cannot pull myself together at times this weekÖyou know? I know it was only 3 months but Iím really feeling traumatized here. What a horrible experience. One thing I have learned is that everything is not what it appears to be, go with your gut, and I should have gave myself more power in the relationship because I let him take the lead, which left me feel powerless. Okay, some Iím getting rational nowÖat least I found out now and not six months down the road and I only wasted 3 months on him. Now that is a positive. So Iím going to be single for a while. The thought of dating someone new makes me nauseous so Iím going to focus on the activities. Oncall 3 times per month, going up north to be with family, volunteering at the zoo, in July volunteering at the Meijer Gardens, and Iím thinking that I need some religion in my life. Iím going to scope out the Methodist churches in the area, hoping to meet some new people possibly. Maybe Iíll drive into Grand Rapids so I can meet some younger professionals. I just need to focus on getting through this, forgiving myself for falling so hard for this guy, and moving forward in life. I still believe in love. Thanks for listening to me rambleÖIím just sad right now and lonely right now. I know itís fresh, it will go away, but this really sucks. Argh! -Kellie
June 9, 2003
Iím very sad today. I broke it off with Chris because he gave me no other choice. You see, he put up this brick wall and just gave up on us. I had hoped that we could work things out but it just wasnít the case. He wouldnít return my phone calls nor emails. He screened his calls. I just had to let him go but it just hurts so bad because I loved being with him. I have to remind myself that it was his decision. He chose to repost his profile back on the Catholic Singles site instead of addressing things with me. He chose not to call me or acknowledge my presence during the past two weeks. I just couldnít put up with the mental torture anymore. He was stringing me along and that hurt. Folks I donít know what happened here but I very sad right now. I know Iíll get over it but it sucks because this hurts so much worse than anything Iíve been through in my adult life. He hurt me bad. So good bye Chris Slovinski. I just canít write any more today. Iím just broken hearted. Fucking relationships.
**Later** Okay, I'm better. I'm just in that Bi-Polar break up relationship thing right now where I go from that "Yeah, I stood up for myself" to "Boo...oh..poor me". I'm working through it. It will just take time. I have a bright future ahead of me. This relationship would have never worked because he was dishonest and relationships are built upon trust. He showed no honesty or trust. Hopefully he will work out his issues before his next relationship because I would not wish this on my worst enemy. He needs some serious help. The sad thing is that he presents himself as "happy, well adjusted" but he's just a mess inside. Good guy but not for me. As I said earlier today, I found out my diamond was a piece of coal and no matter how much I wanted it to be a diamond...it's just a pice of coal.
On a much happier note, I'm buying a jeep this week folks. A brand new spanking fully loaded Jeep Wrangler. I'm saying goodbye to the blazer. Now that I'm single I want to travel more and I would feel much safe in a newer vechile. I went to test drive one tonight and I'm in love. So I'm going to go in tomorrow and do the financing. Here I go, I'm a jeep owner!!! Now I'm going to have to sell my blazer. Yikes! Anyone want buy a 96 s-10 blazer?
June 3, 2003
Iím down to 158.50 on the weight watchers scale and Iím down to 150 on my scale. Now that is beautiful. I havenít been 150 sinceÖwell I donít know whenÖmaybe 1994 like at the end of my freshman year. It felt great to hear these words from the weight watchers secretary of ďKellie, youíre in a new weight rangeÖcongratulationsÖyou must be at your goal soon. Iím thinking when my weight gets to 140 on my scale, Iím going to maintain. I donít want to get lighter than 140. Even my large size belt is too big, I have to get a medium belt. Now thatís a great feeling!
I did something stupid on Sunday. I decided to do my own highlights and now my hair looks like crap. Yuck, itís too darn light and I look freaky. I knew it was a bad idea after I put the stuff on but I did it anyway. Never fool with what God gave you. Hopefully it will fade soon because it looks really really really bad. Did I mention it looks bad? Argh!!!
Iíve decided to incorporate swimming back into my exercise routine. I figure Curves 3 Ė 4 times per week, swimming 3 times per week, and biking whenever I can do it. I went biking in Muskegon on Sunday. It was nice. I biked along Lake Michigan and all I can say is that I got my workout from that excursion. It felt good to be back on the bike. After I got about two months under my belt for swimming Iíve decided that Iím going to join a masters team. I know that Iíve been talking about that for years so it will be a nice goal to reach. I figure that it would be a good social thing for me too. See Sharon, Iím trying to think of things to do :) (Sharonís is one of my readers who encourages me to do more social interactive things) So she would be proud of me this week because Iíve made 3 contacts with different social activities. One is the masters swim club, my goal would be to join mid July, second volunteer at the Ronald McDonald house, and thirdly, would be to volunteer at the John Ball Zoo. I figured that this would be a great way to meet different people. Each opportunity would provide me with a different social aspect because really, I need to get out and meet people. Iím planning on getting together with my friend Jenny on Sunday and possibly Mike on Friday. I just need to get out and be social.
On the Chris front. Had a date with him on Thursday. It was nice but odd. Of course he yawned a lot (he apologized for being tired). I just was too emotional after seeing him. Unfortunately, my parents called me after the date and I burst into tears on the phone. Okay, I was weak. He called me everyday last week basically until Friday. Then I didnít hear from him until today. Bastard. He stated that he has been sick and work has been hectic and he doesnít know when we are going to get together next but he will let me know. Blah, Blah, Blah. As for the sickness, I didnít inquire if it was emotional or physical or both. He said heís going to talk to the doctor about some medications (didnít specify if it was for his stomach which he was complaining about or his depression). Hopefully he will follow through. Iím trying to keep my head above water on this one, trying not to get too emotional over it, and trying to detach my emotions by not taking it so personally. It just hurts at times. Too bad human emotions are not like faucets where you can turn it off and on at times. Iím coming to terms with being single again (lets be honest here, Chris and I donít have a relationship. He said he wouldnít date anyone else but heck Iím feeling single). To tell you the truth, Iím going to stay out of the dating scene regardless until I work through some of this crap because Iím a semi- mess right now. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out and Iíve been run over by a mac truck. I will get out of this poor me stage soon, just put up with me for a bit. Things will get better, they usually do. Well, thanks for listening. Take care all-Kellie
My Vistors Since June 3, 2003