March 30, 2000
Wow, I am finally rested!! I got to sleep in Ďtil 8:00 am this morning! So all this morning, Iíve been fixing the links on my pages and Iíve added 2 must see journals, youíve got to check out these two sites: Gillianís Weightloss Journal and Pamelaís Place . Gillian is in college and sheís trying to lose some weight. Her page is awesome, totally aesthetically pleasing and itís got some good writing in it. Pamelaís Page is excellent, she is a totally motivated woman working her way down to 125 pounds. Pamela updates her page daily. So please support these pages by paying them a visit.
Iíve finally fixed the buddy bio page and ta da, a picture of Shawn and me. He went on a diet in January and heís lost about 30 pounds so far. The amazing thing is that he got on a diet when he hit 300 pounds. Heís 6í2 and heís got a large frame but he was getting large, we both were. He made unwise choices when eating like eating 2 whoppers in one sitting and a whole pizza from Papa Johns. He was making excuses about exercisingÖhe was like, ďIíll jog when it gets warmer outĒ, I told him that was bullshit because he could be jogging indoors where thereís warmthÖhe got mad and then the next day he went out for a jog and heís now addicted to it. Iím proud of him for making the effort. I havenít seen him since January so I bet I will see some difference in the way he looks. I secretly get jealous how men can lose faster than women, here Iíve been on my diet since May 1999 and lost 44 pounds, heís been on the diet since mid January and lost 30 pounds. Itís not fair! But I am taking it slow so itís not about how much I lose but how healthy I become. Though, I got to thinking about partners and weightloss/weightgainÖand I got to wonder about how many of you out there have a partner that is overweight too and what happens when you are losing weight and they are not? Do they support you?HummÖjust wondering but if you want to comment leave a post on the buddy board or send me an email because I am quite curious. I know I gained all my weight with Shawn and I tend to blame him for my weight gain. I went from 150 to 225 in about seven months when I was with him. My
last boyfriend was in great shape and he would get on me about exercising so I would exercise for him not me. Then when I met Shawn, I thought it was great that he was lazyÖand he liked me for me. Unfortunately, I stopped the exercise and I got heavy. I lost my self-esteem and I was miserable. Iím just glad that I made a change for the healthier living style. I feel great and Iím looking great! Take care all-Kellie
March 27, 2000
Everything is looking rosy. The diet is doing okay but I hit a plateau again but thatís okay because itís that time again so itís perfectly natural. Iíll probably be 3 pounds lighter next week! I should have known that I would stick at 193 for a while but heck, itís all good.
Iím hoping to exercise a little tomorrow because I didnít have time today because I had to do little busy stuff. For one of my classes I had to go to the University of Louisvilleís Emergency Psychiatric Service and that was a little whacked outÖneedless to say I know now that I am going to specialize in working with teenagers because I really donít enjoy working with adults who have major psychiatric disorders. I have two pet peeves when it concerns psychiatric disorders, people who have a borderline and schizophrenia diagnosis. Those two disorders just annoy the crap out of meÖitís just hard for me to work with people with those two disorders. Possibly, it is due to the adult thing, I donít know but I need to work on my tolerance and understanding of those disorders so I can be a better social worker. Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
March 24, 2000
Exercise: Machines and Treadmill (20 minutes).
ArghÖIím thinking about it againÖI promised that I wouldnít do that anymore but I am Iím thinking about my future. My friend sent me this email:
Are you moving to Michigan with Shawn?? You know since you already have your own apartment, after graduation, you should get Shawn to come and stay with you for two or three weeks then you might be able to make up your mind. At least you would be around each other for awhile and talk about what both of you want. He seems like a nice guy,I can tell he loves you and I can tell you have deep feelings for him but you both will have to decide whats more important to you....In a serious relationship you have to put your partner first over your friends and even your family. But that doesn't mean your totally cut off from your friends and family, you just do things in a different way. If I were you, I would write down what I like in my relationship and then list what you didn't like. Then I would write down what I would like to be different in this relationship.(damn I sound like narrative therapy shit)When Shawn comes down for graduation I would set aside a time for just the two of you to talk about it. If your still hurt over things he has done then I would tell him. Thereís a difference in just arguing with someone than expressing your feelings to them. You don't have to become angry and be destructive. Do you have a hard time expressing your feelings to Shawn? You seem like itís hard for you to talk to him when he hurts you. We'll I hope maybe some of this may help you. This is what Chris and I do now and it seems to be alot better for us. Sorry for such a long email but I thought I might offer alittle advice
You see we got into this conversation at lunch yesterday about what Iím doing with my future and what am I going to do with Shawn. I love Shawn but itís like difficult for me to decide if I want a future with him. I guess Iím scared. Iíve always been kind of scared to commit to him fully. I think Iím afraid to grow upÖmaybe Iím afraid to get older. I feel myself getting older, I see my parents getting older and you know what thatís really scary (Iím emotional right now as I write thisÖit bothers me that much). Maybe Iím emotionally stupmed right now I love my life right now, everything is good, and I hate the thought of change. I hate the idea of moving back up to Michigan and my folks being 8 hours away. I know I need to go where the money is but it hurts my heart to be so far away from them. Me and the folks are really close, Iím not too sure if Iím ready to put Shawn first. Getting down to it, Iím afraid I will become the person I used to be. Iíve made all these changes since leaving Michigan, and Iím afraid I will have to be that Kellie againÖand Iím not the same person. Humm, Iíll figure it out but I need to calm down about it because worrying will get a person no where. YuckÖhate change!!!
March 24, 2000
Exercise: swimming and treadmill.
I made it through the week, itís amazing. Iím just glad Iím done for a while (or until Monday). I have to work on Saturday and Sunday so the weekend will probably go by fast. It kind of stinks that I have to work but heck itís money so I canít complain too much there.
I didnít feel like time my laps yesterday and today. I was in the shallow end pool (3 Ė 5 ft, I usually swim in the 5 Ė 12 ft side). I hate the swallow end because itís busier but I should be happy that I even got a lane because private schools swim at the pool and itís nearly impossible to get a lane after 3:30 p.m. I usually swim in the morning but this week has been hectic so Iíve had to go at night. I like swimming in the morning because itís quiet, itís like my moment of Zen where I can relax and focus. But when itís busy, I have trouble concentrating on my swimming because of the noise or the excessive about of waves from the people in the pool. Though, I love to swim. Speaking about the pool, I saw something great today while I was swimming. There was a woman who was doing aqua aerobics who was 400 pounds, I overheard her talking to someone and in the last year she has lost 120 pounds. Sheís still confined to a wheel chair most of the time but you know what? Sheís exercising! Sheís moving around and strengthening her bodies. So to anyone thatís not exercisingÖya have no excuse! I know I took me a while to get exercising when I first started the diet but now I canít live without it. The benefits are overwhelming; Iím getting stronger, leaner, and the physiological aspects are excellent. My mental health is actually better (most of the time!) So please make the time and the effort for some exercising because itís worth it. Well thatís it for me, take care all-Kellie
March 22, 2000
Exercise: 32 laps of swimming and machines.
Wow, itís been 10 days since I have been in the pool and it felt great to dive back into it. I bought some Speedoís in TN so I wore one of the new oneís today under my old suit. Iím going to wear my old suit over the new one until I break it in. It felt kind of strange because my old suit is really worn out and the new one hugged my body tightÖbut you know Speedoís, they stretch out real quick! I was really surprised to see that my times were not bad. I was expecting to see some slower times but they were really good. Surprising!
I still feel rushed this week but Iím doing better. I have a 10-page ethnography paper due tomorrow, which is causing me a lot of stress. The professor who was teaching the class had to have an operation so someone else is teaching the class and heís real anal about things and gradingÖyou know that philosophy no paper can be an ďAĒ paper. I just keep on telling myself one more month, one more month, and then Iím out of school. I had a job offer on the phone last night but I declined because it was in Oklahoma and the pay was very bad. It sounded more like a bachelorís level job. I put my application into the State of Michigan yesterday, maybe Iíll hear something from them but Iím not going to panic yet because I just want some time to relax before I start to work. Besides, I will be bombarded with weddings this summer. I have one to go to in the month of May and 2 in June. ĎTis the season to get married! Unfortunately I donít have those feelings yet. The more I see my friends get married the more I start to panic. Iím just not ready yet. Well thatís it for me todayÖwish me luck on the paper!-Kellie
March 20, 2000
Exercise: Treadmill 240 calories and machines
I had a great weekend but it all went too fast! Now I am playing catch up for goofing up last week because I have a ton of stuff to do with only a little amount of time to do it in. Gosh, this week has just started and I am racingÖand I donít have a break until next week!
I worked yesterday for the first time. It went smoothly accept it was mildly freaky when a resident heard voices and he was arguing with themÖthe staff members didnít warn me about that, it would have been good to know! All I have to do there is baby-sit. Basically, I just supervise and do homework, what more could you ask in a job? The job seems pretty easy. Today I had to go to CPI Training. Yup, Kristina more SPM crapÖThey say the tactics we are learning is a non-violent intervention approach but I am wondering who are they trying to fool? That stuff is loaded with violence, especially when it concerns a patient going after a staff person. Basically, the training is supposed to keep us ďsafeĒ. Who knows, but to tell you the truth, I have never felt ďsafeĒ when a psychotic person came after me. Iím just glad Iím getting paid for the training.
I put up a new pic but after seeing it, I decided to go back to the jeans concept because I can monitor the progress much better. I have a new jean pic but itís on my film camera and I need to get it developed this week so I can post it up. The new pair of jeans are a pair of menís Leviís size 34x32. I wore them originally when I was 170lbs, so that is my new goal, to get into those jeans again. Concerning those jeans, when I took the picture in them yesterday, my mom told me to tuck in the pockets. When I did, guess what I found? $20! I canít believe it! I hadnít worn them since January of 1997 so it was my lucky day yesterday. Iím broke so I really needed that money! Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
March 16, 2000
When I got home yesterday from the Smokies, I was tired. I went to bed at 9:00 and got up at 8:00, so I got a full nights sleep. The trip was really fun; I went with my friend Teresa and her cousin Sue. We went all over Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. We did some tourist things and went SHOPPING, CHA-CHING!! I found some great deals down there, I got 2 Speedoís for $60 bucks, I got an old navy tee for $5, and a bottle of wine for my folks for $9. Then on the way up, we stopped at my folks for lunch. Teresa knows all about cows and my dad wanted her too look at them to see if they were pregnant. Weíll she said if they are, they are only a few months so my dad is relieved because he thought they were pregnant and due in June so heíll have no excuses for racing home during the summer when we take a trip to Michigan. Speaking of my folks, Iím going to go home this weekend so I can spend some time with them. I havenít been home (overnight that is) since early February and I could tell that they wanted a visit from me so Iím going to be gone again this weekend. On an eating note, I was pretty goodÖall but Tuesday, I had some hot wings and 2 bud lites, I had to have Ďem! Luckily, I didnít gain anything.
I start my new job on Sunday. Iím kind of nervous because I havenít gotten any orientation into the program, luckily I am working with another colleague so that will be great. Iím not freaked out about working, nor am I excitedÖI guess the sad thing is that I am just interested in the money. Iím working four shifts this month so that will be an extra $200 in my bank account. I really need that money because my financial situation is sort of poor right now so as soon as I start working and get my tax refund, I will be safe but right now itís pretty tight. Isnít that every college personís story?
Ah, I got an email the other day while I was gone that asked me if I allowed people I know personally about my journalÖwhich is a good question. I donít. If I did, I would definitely be in the doghouse from some of my postings. I guess I would feel odd about having a family member or someone I knew checking out my site. The number one person who would freak me about seeing my journal would be ShawnÖhe has no clue that I have an online journal. I would feel almost violated if someone very close to me knew my inner thoughts because the journal is not only about dieting but also personal issues. Though, itís me and sometimes itís scary to open yourself up to someone like that in real lifeÖor heck, maybe Iím not at that point. Some how I was always brought up with the notion that you only tell people so muchÖOh well! Well folks, wish me a good weekend and I will be back on Monday. Take care-Kellie
March 12, 2000
Exercise: 32 laps of swimming and treadmill.
My parents are upsetÖnot at me though, but at my sister. Carrie applied to Michigan Stateís school of Speech Pathology but now sheís saying that she doesnít want to go to graduate school unless the school gives her a full scholarship. Yes, she does have a 4.0 overall GPA at MSU but if they will give her a full scholarship, which is questionable. Carrie has never had to work what so ever. In her 22 years of living she has held 2 jobs, one at Meijers and the other at a group home for the elderly. Her combined amount of time for working these jobs was 5 months. Iím the total opposite; I wanted to work when I turned 16. Two weeks before I turned 16 I went out job hunting. I landed a job at Meijers as a bagger. Carrie was never expected to work, when she got a job at Meijers she hooked up with this guy named Carl, he worked there too. Carl was an idiot; he smothered her at work so she ended up quitting (this lead to their breakup). Then she met Dennis and they started dating. Dennis was a merchant marine so he was making some serious money so Carrie was taken care ofÖactually sheís always been taken care of, someone has always looked after her whether it was my folks or a boyfriend. Iíve never had that luxury; Iíve been independent, on my own. Now it comes graduation time and out of the blue she announces that she doesnít want to pay for graduate school. She says she wonít make enough money in the field to justify forking out $14,000 to go to graduate school. Hum, welcome to reality Carrie! Iíve forked out $25,000 for the last two years and so I expect to make a ton of money in social work? Hell No! So my folks are upsetÖthey are afraid to think of her future because her degree in communications is worthless. Carrie said sheíd work with Dennis so they can save money to start a group home for the elderly. When I chatted with my mom on the phone today she was crying, she said she doesnít understand why she doesnít want to continue on, she said they have wasted their money on Carries education, she says she will be a ďgood momĒ and stay out of their business. I listened to her and I tried to help but I couldnít offer too much. I canít say anything to Carrie either because she gets mad or sheíll cry, saying Iím attacking her. Then sheíll get mad and wonít talk to me for monthsÖso Iíve learned my lesson; I have to stay out of her business. The only thing I could tell mom is that at least she provided Carrie with an undergraduate degree and itís up to her how she uses it. Itís her life so we canít do much. I just hope things work out for her whether it be graduate school or work.
I had a good weekend. I decide to change the index page because I was inspired by my new scannerÖit can make new collages so I thought what a better way to attract people to my page is seeing what losing what can do to oneís body. I know when I look at others pages, the front page is the most important thing because it decides if you are going to stay a while and browse or if you are going to go on. When Teresa and I go to Pigeon Forge, TN we are going to stop at my parents on the trip back and Iíll get a picture because I havenít had one for a month. Iíve lost 5 pounds since then so it would be nice to see a new one. Well folks wish me a nice trip tomorrow and I will see yíall on Wednesday.-Kellie 237/193/140 53 more to go!!!!
March 9, 2000
Itís one of those weeks again and I am finally going to get the rest I deserve! Spring break is next week so Iím taking a mini-vacation with my friend Teresa. Weíre going to Pigeon Forge next week for three days! Do you know how long itís been since I have been on a vacation? Years..I donít count my trips up to Michigan as vacations because really they are not leisure orientated. I think I will be okay when it comes to eating because when Iím with Teresa, I usually watch myself pretty good.
This week has been usually hectic, my classes are driving me nuts! I have 5 more weeks left, which is totally unbelievable. If I donít get my dream job, Iím moving back to Michigan where I can get paid what I am worth. Even though I would rather stay in Louisville, the plain and simple truth is that there is a saturation of social workers here, the Kent School pumps out 300 MSWís a year, so job salaries are not competitive. I figure if I go back up North, I can market myself a little better because I am using narrative therapy (which is a joke down hereÖheck, if I go up there, they may think different is better). I figure I can live in the metro Detroit area. I use to live in Ferndale/Oak Park so I know the area rather well. But Iím not worrying about it! Iím just flipping through ideas, who knows if they will stick!
For lunch I had the yummiest thing for lunch today, a hot chicken wrap. They made it at the college food court. They took chicken cooked in hot sauce, a tortilla, a tbsp. of bleu cheese dressing, a handful of lettuce, some cheese, and wrapped it! It was so good that Iím going to try to make one tonight for dinner.
I got my new UMAX scanner and it is wonderful!!! I had a junk scanner before so I think Iím going to rescan some pics on my page because it takes them so long to load, which pisses people off. Iím sorry folks, Iím just an amateur when it comes to this web stuff and having a crappy scanner didnít help. Shawn yelled at me because I was scanning my pics at a high resolution. Shawn is a graphic designer, more on the marketing stuff, I have no idea whatís that called but he doesnít do any of the web design. Heís hoping when he gets a new job that they will teach him advanced HTML. Though I couldnít help it because my pics on the low res. were awful, I couldnít even make them out. Currently Shawn is unemployed right now because his former company was bought out and they let go of the marketing department so heís been job searching but so far no luck. They paid out his contract for a year so heís okay financially but heís getting pretty bored sitting around doing nothing. I hope he gets a job soonÖfor his sake. When I first met Shawn, it blew my mind that he was majoring in art. I guess I had a stereotype of what artists whereÖartsy, dark humored, wearing black, smoked a pot and did other various drugs, etc. Shawn is more of the fan boy, comic loving, creature. He was especially good at modern type of art thingsÖhe did this one display with 4 nine inch nails which he drove them through a piece of wood, colored some coconut green, and put the strawberries on the nails and labeled it ďDonít Eat the StrawberriesĒ. His professor loved it so much; he took slides of the strawberries as they decomposed. I loved that piece, it was pretty creative. Well all, thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
March 6, 2000
Exercise: 32 laps, 4 pull, machines, and treadmill.
Weird workout day todayÖwhen I got out of the pool I felt very exhausted and I must admit I did something stupid, I didnít cool down today because I needed to get into the locker room before 9:20. At 9:20, they shut down the locker room for 25 minutes and they clean it. So I was trying to be sly and try to get in there before the cleaning, it was getting late so after swimming my laps, instead of cooling down, I got out of the pool. I felt horrible, kind of dizzy like, so I go in the locker room and dress. I make it to the weight room and I convince myself to go in. I get in there and start doing the fly machine and I felt weak, like I was going to pass out. So I decided to leave. When looking at what happened, I did two stupid things: I didnít cool down and I didnít have anything to eat before swimming. Usually when I swim, I try to at least eat an orange before going and I drink at least 20 oz. of water so I could be hydrated. So what valuable lesson did I learn today??? COOL DOWN AND EAT!! Iím stupid sometimes I know! I wanted to do the machines so I went back today after my internship and worked out. It actually felt better so I think Iíll go swimming in the mornings M Ė Th and MWF nights I will do the machines and treadmill. Though, I will not be pulling any more stunts like that againÖI learned from my mistake!
Speaking of working out, I was viewing another journal and I found that
Self magazine is having a SELF CHALLENGE so you all should check it out because it looks pretty good. Take care all-Kellie
March 5, 2000
Exercise: 25 minutes treadmill
Guess what?!?!?!? I LOST THREE POUNDS THIS WEEK!!! The last time this happened was back in December. I canít believe it. The only thing I did different this week was that I quite out the snacking at night and I ate 3 meals a day with a fruit for a snack in the morning. Plus TOM went away so maybe the water retention did too.
I havenít been able to swim since Wednesday because the pool has been closed for swim meets on Fri, Sat, and today so I just worked out in the weight room. Today I did the treadmill for 25 minutes, I would have preferred to swim but I guess some exercise is better than no exercise. I vegged out a little today and I caught the infomercial for Tae-Bo and the tapes really caught my attention so I decided that I wanted the Tae-Bo tapes. Well I get in my car and drive all over Louisville to locate the tapes (8 different stores to be exact) and every store is out of themÖTae-Bo is no where to be found! I guess it wasnít meant to beÖI know Iíll eventually pick up the tapes somewhere but then I got to thinking where can I add them to my workout program? Should I do it on my machines/weight day or my swim only days, or would that destroy my weight train days? HmmÖI donít know so I guess I will have to do some researching on that.
As for the job thing, I did some thinking and I came to the conclusion: I am not going to worry about it until after graduation. I should enjoy the time I have left and I should take a long VACATION because when will I ever have a vacation like that? NEVER, except for when I am pregnant. So I should sit back, relax, and go where the tides take me! Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
March 3, 2000
Exercise: Treadmill 25 minutes and machines.
I felt thin today. It was a strange feelingÖit was like I looked in the mirror and said wow, Iím getting thinner! Maybe I felt this way because I wore my ďthinĒ jeans for the first time in 3 years. The thin jeans are the jeans in my progress pictures. This morning when I was getting ready for school and they were just laying near my bed so I decided to put them on. At first I was afraid to wear them because I didnít want a camel toeÖafter looking in the mirror, they looked good (no camel toe) I decided to wear them out. I must admit, I felt good about it because if you told me a year ago I would be wearing those jeans, I would have laughed at you. Iím so glad I adopted a healthier living style. I used to cry myself to sleep at nightsÖyes, some may call that pathetic, but I did. My weight worried me, I didnít want to be heavy yet, I couldnít find the solution to my problems. Thank goodness I found weight watchers when I did!