November 30, 1999
Exercise: 20 minutes of swimming
Damn, it must be overweight issue night on television. First PBS had that Frontline Special named FAT, which was fabulous. It spoke about all issues with weight and people. If you can catch it on PBS, itís really informative. I was just finishing up a paper when the Mama Love show came on (man, itís 11:30 but I think Iím going to stay up to watch the whole thing) sheís having an overweight womenís issue program where women are asking their loved ones forgiveness for being overweight. Oh, itís actually sad because these women are begging their family to forgive them for being overweight. Guest #1 the woman was raped by 6 men; she found her solace in food because she wanted to protect herself from the outside world. The womanís husband was a pathetic prick because he said he didnít accept her reasons for gaining the weight and he told her to get over the rape! Damn, how ignorant is he? Iím sorry but I wouldnít want to beg for forgiveness for anyone that did not accept me because Iím overweight. Needless to say Guest#1ís hubby did not come through the door. Guest #2, was 135 pounds and she gained up to 300, in one year due to a chronic illness. Her boyfriend stopped being sexual with her when she gained all her weight. Her boyfriend did walk through the door and heís still attracted to her/loves her with all his heart. He just didnít want to hurt her physically. So there was a lack of communication there. Thank goodness a happy story after that last one, I thought it was going to be bad. Okay, I have to stop watching because I need to go to bed!
I had a super fast workout today. I jumped in the pool and just swam 31 laps continuously. I was limited in time because I had to pick up one of my clients and take her to an ultrasound appointment. Sheís due on Dec. 13th but by the feedback on the ultra sound sheís going to have a very big baby so they are going to induce labor next Tuesday. Iím her labor coach so this is going to be my first birth. Itís amazing to be around pregnant women, especially when I have never been around anyone that was pregnant. Iím learning a ton of stuff. Plus, I have a higher appreciation for all mothers.
Only 3 more days before FridayÖah, can I make it? Yup, everything is going okay so far. I just have to type up some of my papers and work on my projects all tomorrow and Iíll be all set. Good luck all-Kellie
November 28, 1999
Okay, I must confess, I ate like crap the 2 out of the 5 days I was gone but guess what? I only gained a whole pound. I was so lucky! I didnít even overeat on Thanksgiving. I had my plate of turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and mashed potatoes. My downfall is that I ate out on Friday and Saturday. We went out to lunch on Friday to a small down home diner and I had a cheseburger, coleslaw, and some fries. Then on Saturday, we celebrated my sisterís 22nd birthday (her b-day is the 30th) so we went to the Chinese buffet and I ate so much that my tummy felt like it was going to burstÖshame on me because we all just ate and ate. I donít want to see another buffet for a long, long time. Overall, my gorging was not worth it. Yeah, I only gained a pound but if feel kind of yucky about it. I know it sounds strange but I do!!
Overall, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I love my family so muchÖI swear sometimes I come from one of the few functional families left in our society. My parents are great. They have always made me and my sister a major priority in life. I feel loved. Man, I must have done something really, really, good in my past lives to have people like them in my life. They have done so much for my sister and I, that the list would be too long to say all the good they have done. They are honest folks and you donít see too many around like that. Ah, it makes me smile to have people like them in my life. Yeah, they may not be perfect but they are pretty damn close.
This week is going to be tough at school. Itís finals week and I have 4 major projects due on Thursday and Friday! ArghÖIím going to be running around like a dead chicken with my head cut off. Wish me a stress free week and strength for me to get through it safely. Darn, who ever thought of having school end a week after Thanksgiving was crazy but at least I get a month and a week off! Well thatís it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie 237/200/140 60 more pounds to go!!!
November 24, 1999
Hi all, things are a little bit better hereÖ.at least Iíve calmed down a bit. Iíve decided against taking my computer home (my monitor weighs 48 pounds! and I just donít want the hassle to deal with it). So I will be taking off as soon as I take a shower and get my stuff together. I have a ton of stuff to take home like my clothes (dirty), school work and books, and the turkey so I will try to not forget anything.
Honestly, I feel like tomorrowís dinner is controlling me. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving but really in a sense I feel the food is controlling me. I have to get over it because Thanksgiving is not all about food but itís about spending time with people you care about. So if I allow my self to freak out, I am only making it worse on myself psychologically. I will stick to my game plan. I am allowing myself to eat one plate of food and thatís it. No sneaking leftovers! In the past, I am notoriously known for sneaking stuffing later but Iím not going to do that, not this holiday because Iím a new person, and I have changed my eating habits.
As far a school goes, my semester ends next Friday, can you believe that? Damn, these Kentucky schools get out early for their breaks. My sister doesnít get out until December 17!!! So I am going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The hotmail account is still down so when I get back next week, Iíll email everyone to let them know I have changed accounts. Ah what a hassle especially when I have had that account since late 96. Well, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and let it be a healthy one! Take care all-Kellie
November 23, 1999
Okay, things were quiet for a while here. I guess I have been stressed out from school and the thanksgiving break doesnít feel like much of a vacation because of all the work I have to do. Then my hotmail account is messed up and that is really pissing me off because I sent dozens of emails to hotmail and I havenít had a lick of help from them. So Iím freaking out on that aspect because people from my social work class were going to mail me some of their questions for the final exam.
Iím leaving tomorrow for home and I am packing up the computer. I am doing well this week eating wise but emotionally Iím a mild wreck. Yuck! I just need to calm down a bit. Well, Iíll post some more tomorrow because I have to take the Ďputer home because I have to much work to do. Take care all-Kellie 237/199/140 59 more to go!
November 20, 1999
Exercise: 1 hour of swimming
Nothing smells better than a pot roast. Iím being Kellie Crocker today because Iím making myself a pot roast. I used a top of the round, 12 small pearl onions, 2 carrots, 2 celery, and Ĺ pkg. of Lipton Onion Soup mix. I canít wait till I dig my fork in it because it smells so good! I figure Iíll have a large lunch and a small supper. I usually do that on some weekends because I tend to be less active on the weekends. I typically like to have a low-key weekend like staying home or going out to get a movie. I know it probably sounds boring but I live for the weekends.
I went to the pool today. Those little kids are irritating as heck. They yell and scream at each other in the locker rooms and call each other demeaning things. Some ten-year-olds were complaining of fat legs. 3 other girls were complaining about their nannies and how they have to go to Hawaii for Christmas. Yikes, I think swimmer moms are the worst because they watch their workouts and get on their backs if they have not reached their potential for the workout. If my parents did that to me when I was a child, I sure wouldnít swim. Probably the most irritating things that the swimmer moms do is that on the front of their Mercedes, Jaguars, or Volvoís they have a plate that displays their childís swim team, nice status symbol. Gag me..
My skin is so dry from swimming. Even when I drown myself in cocoa butter my skin is still dry. I tried the mango butter for extremely dry skin at the Body Shop but for $11, it doesnít go very far. So if anyone has some great skin cream let me know. Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
November 19, 1999
Total Points: 29
Okay, Iím grumpy today. If I have to put my finger on it, I would have to say that I am grumpy because I had a crappy group today in class. In my social work practice class today I had to work in my weekly group. I hate 3 of the 6 members in the group because they always nit pic so much. I especially hate this girl Mandy. To describe her looks she is the typical trendy J Crew girl. She thinks she is all that and more. Every time she does a role-play she has to be assured that she is doing a good or sheís a great therapist. Okay, I hate people that need this type of reassurance constantly. It drives me nuts! So her and this other girl are always saying I want to be the therapist / client (Weíre doing role-plays) and so the rest of us donít mind at all. But then today they start whinnying that ďWe ALWAYS have to do the role playÖYOU GUYS NEVER DOĒ. This really pissed me off because here these two authoritarian freaks always say that they want top do it. So I said well you all love to do it anyway because you both jump at the opportunity to do it. So they both give me this dirty look like you b****! So then I began to state that I donít feel comfortable in doing this in front of them and they said whispering to each other. I called them out; I told them if they were talking about me they better say it to my face. They just stared. So I played the little therapist role and another group member played the client. So we are doing the therapy role-play and the 2 little biddies start interrupting me. This never happens so I start getting ticked. I stop and say ďIím getting frustratedÖlet me finish the role play and then weíll discuss what Iíve done wrongĒ. So they finally leave me aloneÖbut damn, I let their little ignorant acts get under my skin. Damn, the joys of group work!
I found the best Power Bar! Ah, itís so delicious. Okay so you are probably wondering Power Bar, testing great? Yup, they have this new bar called the POWER BAR HARVEST. I got the cherry flavor and itís better than a candy bar. It has whole oats, brown rice syrup, dried cherries, rice crisps, cane juice, dried cranberries, almond butter soybeans, soy protein, honey, pear and grape juice in it. Nutritional facts: 240 calories, 4 g of fat, 0 Cholesterol, 80 mg Sodium, 45 g of Carbs (sorry Atkins folks) and 7 g protein. It also has a ton of vitamins and minerals in it too. When calculating the points for WW itís 4, but itís worth it because it really fills your tummy up. I love Fibarís but this is like a supreme fibar. Ah, so people if you are looking for a treat, get a box of these. I got a box of 15 of them at Fog Dog Sports for $14.99 and shipping/handling is free. I also bought some swim paddles from them. Hopefully they will make me swim a little better by improving my strokes. Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
November 18, 1999
Exercise: 25 minutes of walking on the treadmill 3.4 mph cal burned 160.
Total Points: 26
Okay, this week Iíve been good. Real good that is. I have written down everything I have eaten and I have utilized diet watch. So GUESS WHAT?!?!?! Iím 199 POUNDS!!! Iím under the 200 mark. I couldnít help but not to jump on the scale this morning because I was feeling thinner this morning and I thought it wouldnít hurt to jump on the scale. I was astounded and happy! Wow, Iíve been on the diet for exactly 6 months now and Iím under 200 pounds. What more could I ask for? Iím totally satisfied with my losses so far. Since beginning on this journey, I feel like a new person. When I look in the mirror, I can see the changes. My face and body is getting thinner. Iím feeling good too because Iím not doing anything crazy that I wouldnít do when I go to maintenance. I think when you are changing your eating habits and trying to lose the weight and if you do something crazy during this time like starving yourself or over exerciseÖyou probably wonít maintain. Weightloss is more than the dropping numbers on the scale; itís changing your entire life mentally, physically, and emotionally. When I get upset or bored, I donít turn to the fridge any more. So basically I am floating on cloud nine today! Though, on a lighter note I am reduced down to 24 Ė 29 points so I better watch it. Thatís why Iím going to start posting my points from now on.
Urgh, I went to the pool center and used the treadmill today. So here Iím on the treadmill and thereís 4 people in the room. There was one woman on an air bike, a young man on the weights, and a man in his 30s using the free weights. Well, Iím on the treadmill for 10 minutes and then a brown haired woman in her early 30s walks in and uses the other treadmill. She immediately starts out walking like 4.0 mph at least. So the man with the free weights begins to check the woman in her 30s out. So after a few minutes of gawking he walks over and starts to chat with her. He goes through the ďhi I amÖĒ general introduction stuff and then he proceeds to talk all about himself. Like how often he comes, his job, etc. I almost started to laugh because this guy was so into himself it could make someone sick. Ah, it was a horrible sceneÖ if I was her I would have said something like ďI canít walk and talk on the treadmillĒ. Funny, a tiny meat market in the small workout room. Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
November 17, 1999
Exercise: 1 hour of swimming
At the end of my workout a woman asked if I was in training for something. She said she saw me swim a lot there and she was curious what I was up to. I told her I wasnít training but I was trying to get into shape because I have lost almost 40 pounds in the last 6 months. She said I should check out the Master Swim Team because the coach will work with anyone that has a desire to swim. She said I wouldnít have to be a power house swimmer to join the team. I was telling her that I just moved down here from Michigan a year ago and that besides the people in my social work program, I havenít met anyone in the community. She said that it would be a great opportunity for me because I would get to know a lot of people and they get to go places for meets and I could compete against other swimmers that are similar to me. So that got me fired up to want to join the Masterís Team. Come January, it will be my goal to join the team. Maybe in the process I could meet some people. I was glad she chatted with me because usually when I go to the pool, I just smile at others and say ďhiĒ but thatís it. I have never really had a conversation with anyone at the pool so it was a refreshing change. Itís strange when you move to a new city because in a way you feel disconnected. If I could have my wish, I would stay in Louisville because itís a great place to live. I love my school friends, I love my apartment, I love my neighborhood, heck I love Louisville. Itís the first place in a long time that I can call home. So Iím going to be whiney come June when I have to leave itÖI donít want to think about that now.
Okay, I was thinking about my future and my lifestyle when it comes down to my body. I want to reshape and create a hard body. Yes, I Kellie, want to have an athletic body in four years. When I lose my weight, I want to create a body that has firm arms and legs. I donít want to be a body builder or anything like that but I do want to be strong and in shape. I know this may sound crazy by going from one extreme to another but I want to be firm. I want to continue to swim because itís doing me a lot of good both physically and mentally. The only thing that bothers me now is that when I donít work out for 3 days, I should be doing something. Generally, I donít go to the pool on Thursday or Friday because itís too busy. The young kids there drive me nuts and the pool is packed. Besides, I tend to have more energy in the morning than the afternoon. The pool has a workout room so I want to take advantage of that. They have a treadmill, so I bet it wouldnít hurt to add a mile on the treadmill for a workout. So maybe tommorrow when I get home from class, I should hit their gym. Iíll keep you posted on that. Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
November 16, 1999
Exercise: 1 hour of swimming
Okay, what is everyone doing for Thanksgiving? I was looking at some journals out there and no one is really speaking about the upcoming holidays. Do you think we are avoiding that topic? Or am I just worrying about nothing? Thanksgiving and Christmas are dangerous holidays especially for those who are on a weightloss plan. Itís the time of temptation, gluttony, and gaining. The rituals of the holidays are us being surrounded by food and our loved ones. Okay so you are probably wondering what am I going to do, right? Well, Iím kind of lost. In the past, I typically do not over eat. I have my slice of turkey but the stuffingÖah, the stuffing. Momís stuffing is to die for: celery, onions sautťed in Land Oí Lakes Butter, then bread, eggs, and sage. I go a tad bit over on the stuffing but heck, I enjoy it. So what am I going to do? Well, Iíll try to have a slice of turkey, 2 stuffing balls, some cranberry sauce, a little bit of mashed potatoes, 2 rolls, and silver of pumpkin pie. YikesÖthat whole meal with devour my points for the day. So that is my action plan. I also plan to walk or do some type of exercise over the vacation because come Tuesday the 23rd, Iím going home and I donít want to not work out for 5 days. Maybe Iíll hit the pool or something down there. They have a YMCA down there and I could just pay to swim.
OkayÖI went shopping on Sunday for a dress for Carrieís wedding (my sister). Carrie set the date of January 14, 2000 for her wedding. I went to Dillards to their plus size section. Wandering around the plus size special occasion section I noticed how darn expensive the gowns are. The sales lady asked if she could be of assistance so I thought what the heck, so I told her I was looking for a dress that would be fancy enough to match my sisters dress. I explained to her that the wedding is in exactly two months so I need something fast. I could tell by the way I was chatting she thought my sister was having a shotgun wedding. Anyways, the lady picked me out some nice dresses so I went into the dressing room. All looked nice but the cranberry one looked the best on meÖthough I wasnít thinking because I should have tried on the 16W because I had a lot of room in the 18W. I hope I wonít be swimming in the dress in two monthsÖah, itís one of those dress dilemmas again. I wonít sweat over it too much. Okay, so I get my dress but Iím not ready to leave just yet. So I walk around the mall and I pass by Lane Bryant. I detest Lane Bryant because they are extorting us (large ladies that is). Their clothes are not worth as much as they charge for them. So I see this cute outfit and I go inÖguess how much the sweater was? $45!?!?! That just made me sick. So I walk around a little more and I see this awesome suit but guess how much that was? $115 for the coat and $55 for the pants. Damn, they are making a ton because you know we are kind of shop limited when it comes to buying clothes. I just walked out of there in disgust and thought extortionists! They should be ashamed on themselves. Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
November 15, 1999
Exercise: 1 hour of swimming
I stayed the same this week. Thank goodness because I was eating out left and right. I think I ate out at least 7 times this week. I didnít eat stuff that was bad for me but I was not eating as healthy as I should have. So what am I going to do about it? Well, Iím going to formulate an action plan. My plan is to eat less at the fast food restaurants and journal what I eat which would involve using diet watch. If you havenít used Diet Watchís system of analyzing what you eat, I suggest you check it out. The last time I used it was in July and I was 226 then! Wow, what an accomplishment because Iíve lost 24 pounds since then! So I promise I will curb my urge to eat out. I think I eat out a lot because I get lazy, honestly. I donít feel like cooking for one because I donít feel like cooking or washing the dishes. I think a big problem of mine is that I donít have a lot of pots and pans. I have one saucepan, one baking sheet, one skillet, and my George Foreman grill so one meal can wipe out all my pans. Ah, Iím just making excuses for myself.
I had a nice time on Saturday except I got a panic attack for some reason. Iím hesitant to announce that I get panic attacks because itís something you donít announce to every one. I just started getting them this year. I was told that I got them because Iím under a lot of stress but I think I got them when I was on those Atkins diet pills (vitamins). It was January 7; I had just came back into Louisville from Christmas break. It was a hectic day because the weather was bad and I was tired. I went to bed thinking about deathÖlike I started to think about dying, my parents dying, etc. Then about an hour later I wake up and my pulse is racing at 130 bpm. I feel like Iím having a heart attack, my stomach got queasy, and I felt like I was going to pass out. So I sit on the toilet for a few minutes and I stumble towards the phone and I call Shawn to find out if I should call the EMS. He told me I should call so I call and they come. By then my heart is beating at 110 bpm so the EMS told me I should go to the hospital and get checked out. So I go there with the vitamins and they said it after my blood work, I had a severe reaction to something in the vitamins. But after that incident, I get freaky about changes in my body. I start to panic when I feel queasy or when something makes me feel suddenly ill. For example, I start to get a panic attack when I ovulate sometimes. I swear Iím the only woman that can feel herself ovulate. I get this pain in my lower abdomen when I ovulate which produces a major cramping feeling. I guess Iím odd but I guess I never got over that incident that happened to me in January. I havenít really talked about it either; it scared me really bad though. So maybe thatís why I whig out when I notice my body is fatigued, cramping, queasy, etc. So basically I had one of my panic attacks when I was hanging out with Teresa this weekend. We had a long day, I was a tad bit tired, and then I ovulated so of course I freak out. Oh well, what can I say! Itís something I have to deal with. It doesnít happen too often but when it does, I get freaked out. Take care all-Kellie 237/202/140 62 MORE POUNDS TO GO!!!
November 13, 1999
Iíve been eating out too much this week. Itís probably because I donít have anything of substance in my fridge. I should go to the grocery store today and buy some stuff. I have food but thereís not much I can do with itÖI need some chicken and pork. I eat pork about 2x weekly. I usually get those small boneless pork chops, they are lean (or at least they look lean).
I bought a new CD yesterday. I usually donít buy a CDs. I swear I have the worst CD collection because itís full of one hit one CDís (or two hit wonders). Hereís a peek at what I own, Criss Cross, Karyn White, Edwin Collins, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Counting Crow (their first CDÖI hate the counting crows, must have been a impulse shop) The Cranberries, The Spaghetti Incident by GNR, Def Leppard, and the Spin Doctors to name a few. Most of my CDs are down in my storage unit because they donít need to see the light of day. Anways, Iíve been hearing this song ďDo SomethingĒ by Macy Gray. Sheís got this usual raspy beautiful voice. Then I was siting in a restaurant yesterday and I saw that she had a video for a song named ďI tryĒ and it was really good. So last night I decided to go to Ear-X-Tacy (isnít that a cool name for a record store???) and pick it up. I love going into the store but itís like Iím not cool enough to shop there. Itís like they have a sign at the door: Only people with tattoos, body piercing, and alternative clothes need only come in. I was the only geeky girl in there. It reminded me of that quote at the James Dean Museum in Indiana. Whenever I go up to Michigan I see that sign that advertises the museum and it says ďCoolness is the state of mindĒ and ďWhere cool was bornĒ. Weíll Iíll never be cool like that. Honestly, I wish I could dress in some vintage clothing because I collect vintage wear but I wonít fit into the stuff until Iím 160. But Iíll never look as cool as they doÖI guess some people can pull it off really good. I would just look like a blond try to be alternative. Anyways, I was looking all over for the Macy Gray CD and I couldnít find it but I was afraid to ask anyone. I finally found it in the R&B section. So Iím driving home and I can almost kick myself. You know, I live in the coolest section of Louisville and Iím not taking advantage of it? I live in the Cherokee Triangle / Highlands area where those little artsy crafty, coffee, restaurant, bookstores, and antique shops are. People hang out there on the strip which is Bardstown Road. Shame on me. Sometimes I get mad at myself because when I stay here on weekends, I just watch tv or stay home. I havenít met anyone outside of my social work program! Thatís pathetic. On a better note, Iím going to Bardstown, KY to got to Teresaís house. Weíre going to hang out there. Iíve never been to Bardstown before because itís 45 minutes out of Louisville. I hear itís a neat little town so that will be interesting to go out there. Iíll let you all know how it went. So thatís my weekend activityÖtake care all-Kellie
November 11, 1999
Hello my name is Kellie and I have a severe addiction to procrastination. Iíve had this problem all my school life. I always wait until the last minute to do things. When I do get my work done after the process of procrastination, I get a high off of them. I love being a procrastinator! Does that make me lazy? No, I donít think so but I need that last minute pressure to do things. Iím not the type of person that can do things ahead of time. I need the pressure to do things. I wish I could stop being a procrastinator but the grades I receive reinforce my theory of waiting until the last minute to do things because Iím pulling decent grades. Though, I do lose some precious sleep over this procrastination because Iíll go to bed at 11:00 p.m. and Iíll wake up at 5:00 am to get things done. Maybe I should changeÖyeah, like that will happen!
What do you say when a friend is dumped? Yuck! I hate being in that position. My friend had her girlfriend break up with her last week. But the weird thing is that she has never been dumped before. How can someone be 28 years old and never dumped? Sheís had a lot of relationships in the past, in fact she said sheís dated a ton of men but this her first relationship with a woman and sheís really taking it rough. Sheís skipping work and school, and she hasnít been out of bed all week. She said sheís majorily depressed and she keeps thinking about her girlfriend. Though, for her to have her first break up this is a rough one because her girlfriend did her wrong. She did the ultimate bad thing that an ex could doÖrun back to the last partner. The ex said she was going home to Cincinnati but in fact she ran to her ex-partners place in Atlanta. Which made my friend really upset because this friend wasnít supposed to be an ex but a good friend. So here my friend is left to deal her emotions with no closure. We as human beings need closure from relationships with exís wither it be best friends, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever. When we take on a close intimate relationship with another human being, we are disclosing ourselves intimately to that person. We are allowing them to come in and see a part of us that no one else is allowed to see. When we break a relationship off with no closure, itís like having an open wound thatís not able to heal properly. We need closureÖneed I say more? Well thatís it for me todayÖtake care all-Kellie
November 9, 1999
Exercise: 1 hour swimming
My parents are thinking about being foster parents for the state of Kentucky. They are going for a meeting tonight. Being a future social worker and being their daughter, I am torn between saying it would be a good idea. You see, the social worker part, I am disillusioned by the system. I hate the foster care system as it stands today. There are few homes that provide a good home for children. But as a daughter, I see them providing a loving home to children who need it. Children are slipping through the cracks every day but a lot of these children have issues and problemsÖthey are on mind numbing drugs like Ritalin, Prozac, and countless others. I donít know what to think but if they choose to become foster parents, I know they will do a fine job parenting and providing a safe shelter for children who need it. But I donít want to see them in a stressful position, battling the system, and the status quo. Weíll see how it goesÖI wish them luck, no matter what their decision is.
I had an interesting conversation at my internship today, we were sitting around the dinner table discussing dating today and rules that women should live by. Like have the man get the door for you or have him pay for dinner. The houseparent at the maternity home stated that a good way to shake off a stinking guy is to always have him pick you up (this advice was geared towards the 18 and under girls). When I was in high school, I dated a ton. I always hated how my dates had to pick me up and me the parents but looking back, they were wise. My parents always had a sort of insight into guys: they knew which oneís were good for me and which oneís were not so good. Meeting the folks is almost like a saying ďyouíre not going to have sex with my daughterĒ. I never did have sex in high school and I am so thankful for that. Boys were always horny back then and the lines were thick. My favorite story about a guy trying to get me in the sack was when I was in the 11th grade. We were parked in his Daytona behind my high school and we were making out (you know nothing too serious) and he turns to me and says ďDo you wanna go?Ē, I was like ďGo where?Ē, then he said ďYou knowÖĒ, then I said ďNo, I donít really want to go anywhere elseÖthis is niceĒ and finally he said ďI wanna have sex with you, I wanna go thereĒ and I stopped and said ďWell, I donít want to go thereÖtake me homeĒ. When I was in high school, the mere mention of sex while making out turned me off. I have no idea why but it did. When I did eventually lose the big V, there was no words spoken really about it. Me and the guy just did itÖand I must say, it was not the earth shattering event I had expected. But hell, it got better as time went on (but no one really chatted about that when we were young, maybe if we were told that we wouldnít have expected so much). Maybe we were all just fumbling towards ecstasyÖsorry Sarah McLachlan, I had to steal your lineÖ Take care all, Kellie
November 8, 1999
Exercise: 1 hour of swimming
Wow, my swim times are steadily decreasing. Which is great because Iím becoming a better swimmer. Iíve been practicing on my breathing a lot. It seemed like before I would have to breathe every stroke. Now I can breath every two strokes. Not bad for a 202 pound swimmer, ah? When I was in high school my fastest time was a 17 for 25 yards. So when I get down to 140, will my times get any better? Hopefully!
Oh, I would like to thank all the people who gave me the advice about the dress situation...it helped me out a lot. The funny thing is that Sarah (the bride) was going to have some bridesmaids dresses from Chadwicks of Boston. Then I get the thing in the mail about the dress being $150 dollars, which $100 is due December 1st. Damn, the dresses are so freakiní ugly!! Sheís going to have six bridesí maids. Shawn, is the best man, her sister Amy is the matron of honor. Itís going to be a fun wedding because I hear the Townsí (Sarahís parents) through a good shindig. When I eventually get married (if I have hunt down the one!) itís going to be a small shindig, nice close and intimate. My sisterís, Carrie, wedding was going to be small but now that Dennisís parents are paying and planing for it, itís going to be huge. Carrie is going to get married in January some time either on the 8th or 14th or sometime during Spring BreakÖletís just say they will get married sometime in the next 5 months.
I got a dress from EBAY today. Itís a black ďAĒ line dress from Landís End. I spent $18.00 on it and it was worth every cent. I look great in it! I canít wait till I wear it out. I can see my curves now and not my rolls! Oh what a feeling! Well thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie
November 7, 1999
It just hit me todayÖthe New Year is just around the corner! Plus I canít believe I have been on a diet for almost six months now. It doesnít feel like that. Iím impressed that I have lost so much. I thought when I first started that my metabolism was shot. Guess what? Itís not shot. I gave away two pairs of my old pants to my aunt today and boy did that feel good. It was great to get them out of my presence. I canít believe the difference in my clothes. I went down to my basement yesterday and I got to pick out some of my old clothes. You know by next June, I will be around 160 (if I lose 5 pounds a month steadily). Though, I have a dilemma. My good friend Sarah asked me to be in her wedding and itís June 24, 2000. I found out that I have to get my measurements in NOW. So what am I supposed to do? Should I estimate that I will be 35 pounds smaller than I am now? Iím in a state of confusionÖI have no idea what to do. If you have any hints, please feel free to email me please!
It was nice to finally go home this weekend. I finally got a picture taken!!!!Yeah, I even added a side profile. My mom said my side profile looks greatÖI wish I had taken a side profile a long time ago but I was too hesitant too. I guess I really didnít want to see it because I didnít really want to see how large I was. Itís interesting to look at all my pictures spread out to see the differences. A picture does say a thousand words! Well take care all-Kellie 237/202/140 62 MORE POUNDS TO GO!!!
November 4, 1999
Iím debating if I should go swimming tonight or tomorrow morningÖI think Iíll go in the morning. Itís not that I donít want to swim but Iím kind of tired today. I woke up at 5:30 am to finish a paper, so basically Iím dragging today.
Itís been a strange weekÖlately Iíve been having crazy dreams about a friend from high school. Weird. I havenít seen her since my second semester of freshman year of college. She just keeps on popping up in my dreamsÖand I wish she would get out of them. I moved to Marine City when I was in the sixth grade. It was a huge adjustment because I was from the metro Detroit area and Marine City was a small little hick town. Tracey and I became good friends fast. I followed her everywhere, it was like I was in awe of her. I wanted and needed her friendship. As time progressed she put me down and I took it. I allowed her to destroy my teenage self-esteem. For example, on her 10th grade picture she wrote ďKellie, youíre a great best friend but you will be never as good looking as meĒ. Okay she was that type of person. When I would get a boyfriend she would have to have a boyfriend or she would have to break my relationship up. I allowed her to push me around and I took her crap. I was trapped thoughÖI was trapped in my evil high school role. I was Kellie, my friends where defined, and I should dare not step outside of my role, and I didnít. So my escape was college, I was getting out of Marine City. I planned to go to Central Michigan University for monthsÖas my senior year progressed, Tracey never talked about college. Then one month before graduation she told me that she got accepted to CMU two months prior and she was joining me. My little dream world of escaping her and that town crumbledÖAnyways, she ended up at CMU. We would go out and I would attract some guys, she would be insanely jealous. But something was different, I was different, I would no longer put up with her putdowns or controlling. By the end of semester she was failing all of her classesÖshe ended up dropping out at the end of the first semester. When she left school, I stopped talking to her. SO WHY IN THE HECK IS SHE POPPING IN MY DREAMS??? I was chatting with my social work friends and colleges and they said it was because Iím working on my body issues or I need some type of closure with her, I never had closure with her. Yes, I have/had body issue problems. Itís not that I hate my body but for the longest time I wasnít comfortable in it. I felt awkward. Looking back I when I was gaining weight, I shut down emotionally, physically, and sexually. I gained 40 pounds in four months in my junior year. I made it worse on myself because I started to self-medicate myself with food. Food was my only sense of pleasure for a whileÖI take that back for a long time, to be more specific until May 17, 1999. I look at food now, as a sense to fill my hunger needs not my emotional needs. I have changedÖIím no longer meeting my emotional needs with food and it feels good to eat normal. Okay so I went off the bunny trail here a bit but heck, itís my journalÖIím allowed to :)
Well, Iím off this weekend to visit my folks so things will be silent here until Sunday. Take care all and enjoy yourself this weekend!-Kellie
November 3, 1999
Exercise: 1 hour swimming, check out my swim stats on my swim page
Halloween candy is evilÖperiod! That candy just keeps on popping up everywhere because I was muching on it way too much yesterday. I was setting in my supervisorís office at my internship and there laid on her desk a bowl full of bite size butterfingers! Oh I love butterfingers so much so I lost control of my cravings and ate 3Öshame on me but they tasted so good. Iím usually not a candy eater but darn; they were so so so good. Iím going to avoid them today.
Iím going to have a pure day today. A pure day is when I try to avoid stuff like cheese and other junk food. One thing that I found a couple of weeks that has help me a lot is Pollock fish. I can have one big fillet and itís only 1 point per fillet. I usually put some lemon pepper on it to flavor it. For awhile, I honestly forgot to write down what I ate for WW. Iím going to start journalizing what I eat and Iím going to start to use diet watch again. Wish me luck, take care all-Kellie
November 1, 1999
Wow, itís November today and it was 75 in Louisville, is that not amazing? But guess what, things are going to changeÖthe high tomorrow is supposed to be a whopping 50 degrees at mid-day and 35 at 6:00 p.m. and the wind chill is going to be around 15 Ė 30 degrees. I guess its time to jack out my winter coat. I bought this coat from Landís End last year and it was a bit snug (I like baggy coats) so now itís going to fit perfectly.
I saw a horrible car accident today on the way home. I guess it closed down west I-64 for six hours. It was 2:45 and 2 cars and 1 tractor-trailer truck was on fire. By looking at it, I knew people were dead. The heat from the fire warmed my windows. It must have just happened because there was only 1 police car and the fire trucks were coming. Oh, how horrible. When I got home tonight, I found out 2 people had died in the crash. I guess a correctional officer had gotten off work and he stopped to help out a broken down car. So he pushed the car with his car on the freeway and a truck slammed into the car causing the correctional officers car to explode on impact. HorribleÖ.I hate accidents.
I was tied down with my internship and meetings today so I didnít make it to the pool. Iíll go tomorrow in the morning. I like swimming in the deep end pool instead of the Olympic pool because itís deeper and I tend not to want to stop when doing the laps. Iím okay with my times, though I find myself pushing me to get better and better each time. I hate that in a way. Anyways, thatís it for me today, take care all-Kellie