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"Bond, Jake's Bond"

by John Berry [berry@sugar-river.net]

"Daria" & characters ©1998 MTV... why do disclaimers have to be long?

ACT I

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen. Day.]

[Daria is hidden behind a newspaper that she's reading at her usual place at
the table. A knife, fork, and a plate of dry toast are set in front of her.
Enter Jake.]

JAKE: Hi there, Quinn!

[Daria lowers her paper to reveal her face.]

JAKE: [Obviously embarrassed] Uh, heh heh... oh. [His eyes look away as he
he mumbles to himself] I love Mondays.

[Daria raises her paper back up. Quinn then enters, grabbing a carrot from
the refrigerator before taking her spot at the table.]

QUINN: [Annoyingly chipper] Hi, everybody. I'm awake. What's happening?

DARIA: [Not looking up] Oh, hi, Daria.

QUINN: Huh?

DARIA: I'll allow your male parental unit to follow up on that.

QUINN: [Expression unchanged] ...Huh?

JAKE: Well, you see, heh, there was a little mix-up today just before you
came in and I got you two mixed up because of this mix-up that got
me mixed up and, uh, I couldn't see Daria's face so I thought she was
you.

DARIA: I was so insulted.

QUINN: [Simultaneously] I am so insulted. [Continuing] God, Dad, don't you
know me at all? There's no way I'd touch a newspaper!

DARIA: That would require the ability to read.

QUINN: [Continuing] Do you know how much newsprint could get on my fingers?

[Daria, meanwhile, reaches for her fork and buries her head deeper into the
paper.]

QUINN: I couldn't possibly touch that stuff. Maybe if I wore rubber gloves,
but have you ever noticed how much those stink? Besides the fact that
long nails rip through them so easily. Anyway, if I'm patient enough,
I can just read the funnies later when they come out in book
collections, although I don't usually head towards a bookstore as you
must know.

JAKE: R-really?

QUINN: Duh, Dad! What dimension are you from anyway? Why haven't you learned
anything about me in over fourteen years? I thought you'd find
SOMEthing out over the course of that time, like maybe learn about me
without having to actually spend time with me out in public. You know
how I am about that.

JAKE: Uh... yes! Yes I do.

QUINN: Quit faking it, Dad.

JAKE: [Dejected] Ohh.

QUINN: No time for breakfast though. Got something right here. [indicating
carrot] See you all. Bye. [Gets up and leaves]

[Awkward pause. Daria's fork is still missing.]

JAKE: Gee, Daria, you're oddly quiet right now... You find an interesting
article or something?... Daria?...

[Jake lifts the paper to reveal that it's been propped up by the fork for
most of the scene. Without it being able to lean on the paper, the fork
clunks down onto the table. Jake looks around. Zip-pan to the doorway where
Daria has sneaked all the way to. Noticing being discovered, she makes a
surprised shout and ducks away. Pan back to Jake, looking even more
depressed. Helen enters with a briefcase in hand, walking and speaking
quickly.]

HELEN: Good-morning-Jake-I-have-some-frozen-waffles-in-the-fridge-Please-
make-sure-the-kids-make-it-out-for-school-on-time-Sorry-I'm-in-such-
a-rush-I'll-try-to-make-up-for-it-later-See-you-later-honey-I-love-
you. [Leaves]

[Jake still sits there, unchanged. He finally blinks and looks up.]

JAKE: Huh-what?... Oh. [Returns to normal stupor]


[Int. Jake's office. Later in the day.]

[Jake taps his pen on his desk and looks depressed.]

JAKE: I don't believe I did that. [Sighs]


[Int. Lawndale High. Same moment.]

[Daria is walking down the hall with Jane.]

DARIA: I don't believe he did that. Sheesh.


[Cut to Jake's office.]

JAKE: Daria probably lost all respect for me...


[Cut to Lawndale High.]

DARIA: It's a good thing I never had any respect for him...


[Jake's office]

JAKE: ...And Quinn. What does *she* think?


[Lawndale High]

DARIA: ...And that Quinn never thinks.


[Jake's office]

JAKE: I gotta make it up to `em somehow. But how?... Boy, do I gotta go to
the bathroom. [Gets up]


[Lawndale High]

DARIA: He'll never be able to make it up to me. How can he make up fifteen
years of neglect?

JANE: Yer sixteen, though, aren't you?

DARIA: There was that time before Quinn was born.


[Int. Men's bathroom.]

[It's completely black with darkness until Jake swings the door open.]

JAKE: Dahhhh, I hate it when someone leaves the light off in here. [Clicks
switch up and down] Damn it! [Sits down in the doorway and sighs] What
a day... The kids hate me because I don't know them as well as I
should... I need to find out more about them, but how?...

[Cut to close up of the light bulb on the ceiling of the bathroom as it
suddenly flashes on.]

JAKE: [O.S.] Wait! I know!

[Cut to a quick zoom-in on Jake.]

JAKE: I gotta believe!


[A chord as the scene dissolves to the next morning in the Morgendorffer
kitchen. Jake, wearing an apron, is at the stove with a couple of platters
of pancakes completed, toppings and all, and he's still making more. He's
humming to himself with a smile as Daria comes in.]

JAKE: Oh, hey, Daria! How would you like some homemade breakfast for once?
Huh?

DARIA: [Unfazed, continues walking to the pantry] Dad, you know I'm
allergic to maple syrup.

JAKE: [Smile fades] Um... violently?

DARIA: Very. [Pulls out a box of "Sugarless Plain-Os" from the pantry]

JAKE: Oh... gee, I... [Quinn enters] Hey, Quinn! Why not try some pancakes?

QUINN: Cuz they're greasy and sticky and the butter has tons of cholesterol
and I have no time. [Grabs her bag and leaves]

JAKE: Oh.

[Daria is about to pour herself some cereal when the doorbell rings.]

DARIA: That would be my only friend, so I'd best not keep her waiting. I'll
buy some breakfast at school. Bye. [Leaves]

JAKE: Um... okay, then.

[Helen comes in as quickly as before.]

HELEN: Sorry-Jake-No-time-to-eat-for-me-My-schedule's-all-screwed-up-and-
I'll-have-no-time-to-fix-it-myself-because-of-how-screwed-up-it-is-
Isn't-that-ironic?-Where's-my-briefcase?-Oh-here-it-is-Bye-honey.
[Leaves]

JAKE: Um... I made some... never mind... [Looks to his feet pathetically]

[Dark smoke rises from the pan and the smoke detector goes off. Jake doesn't
flinch.]


[Int. Morgendorffer living room. A short time later.]

[Jake is on a portable phone while lying on the couch. He's meanwhile rid
his apron, but is clutching his stomach.]

JAKE: Hello. I won't be in today. I had too much for breakfast. [Pause] Well
I think it's a damn good reason! [Hangs up]


[Int. Morgendorffer master bedroom. Night.]

[Jake is just lying down in bed awake while Helen sits beside him doing some
generic paper work.]

JAKE: Helen, I think I'm losing them. The kids, I mean.

HELEN: Oh, Jake, don't be so hard on yourself. You never had them.

JAKE: Really! I don't know anything about them! I don't even remember their
eye colors.

HELEN: Well, they're... Yes, go on.

JAKE: I've spent so much time living with them; taking them for granted.
In a couple of years Daria will have to move out and it'll be too
late. And Quinn... well, she comes home after a date just in time for
supper then goes out for another date, so I already lost her. And I've
just been thinking about it all week... So could you tell me some
stuff about `em for me to make it easier?

HELEN: Jake... [sighs] I can't just give a brief biography of them. Complex
personalities require interaction. Just schedule some time with them.

JAKE: [Slightly brightening up] Yeah. Sure. I'll have a... a family card
game with... nah. We could play a board game or something.

HELEN: Um... I burned all of them after we grounded the kids.

JAKE: Oh, right... How about...


[Quick cut: Int. Morgendorffer living room. Next day.]

[Close-up of Daria and Quinn on the couch.]

DARIA: ...A family tic-tac-toe session?

JAKE: [O.S.] Yeah!

[Medium shot of the room so Jake is visible.]

QUINN: I have a date with Brandon, though. Just one quick game, okay?

JAKE: Uh, sure. [Hands Quinn a pen and lays a large pad on the table, grid
already prepared]

[Quinn starts, Jake uses his own pen, and they quickly go back and forth for
about two seconds.]

QUINN: Well, that was fun. We ought to do that again sometime. Bye. [Leaves]

JAKE: At least I beat her.

DARIA: How would you know? You both used X's.

JAKE: [Suddenly realizes] Hey! Yeah!

DARIA: Here, I'll use O's if that'll make you happy.

JAKE: Okay.

[Jake turns the page and they quickly go at it again.]

DARIA: Well, I win. Now off to Jane's. Bye. [Leaves]

JAKE: Oh, um, well, [Door slams] love ya, hon- oh, shoot.


[Int. Morgendorffer master bedroom. Night.]

[Jake's already in bed. Helen, still in her business suit, collapses onto
the bed.]

HELEN: Boy am I exhausted. I don't believe I wasted so much adrenaline in
such a simple case.

JAKE: Helen, nothing's working. It's not like I don't want to spend time
with my own family! It's more like family never wants to spend time
with me! [Starts to get angry] Oh, yes, I remember when my-

HELEN: [Moans in sleepiness] Jake, you aren't going to start talking about
your father again, are you?

JAKE: [Recovers] Wha? Oh, no. I couldn't do that. Every time I start
reminiscing I always lose myself. [Quietly in anger] Like that time-

HELEN: Jake.

JAKE: But-

HELEN: No.

JAKE: [Recovers] Okay... I've just gotta find some better time with them.
They seem busier than me.

HELEN: Well, they've got a three-day weekend coming up. Some teacher workday
or something.

JAKE: Why that's great! That's enough time to actually take the kids out
somewhere myself and-

HELEN: Like hell.

JAKE: Helen?

HELEN: Whenever you take the family somewhere it turns to some kind of
nightmare. You aren't leaving the house.

JAKE: Please?

HELEN: No. Good night.

JAKE: Please?

[Helen clicks off the light so only Jake's disembodied eyes are visible.]

JAKE: Please?... [Dejected] Ohh... [Ponders] Hmmm...


[Music segues to next scene; take your pick.]


[Establishing shot of the Morgendorffer house. Day.]

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.]

[Jake is at his place reading the newspaper. Daria is at her place with a
bowl of cereal. Quinn enters.]

JAKE: [Looks up] Good morning, Quinn.

QUINN: Oh, hi, Daddy.

JAKE: Have any dates planned for your extra long weekend?

QUINN: Uh... I don't have my book with me. I don't think so... why?

JAKE: J-just wondering. [Turns to Daria] How about you?

DARIA: Oh, I have dates lined up till the year 5000. You?

JAKE: No, Helen'd kill me if... I mean do you have anything planned for the
weekend?

DARIA: Well, I was gonna go on a quest to Switzerland and steal all their
chocolate, but otherwise, no.

JAKE: Oh, good. I mean fine. I mean that's nice.

DARIA: Ooooookay...

QUINN: Whatever, Dad. I'm just gonna grab some uncooked toast before I head
out.

JAKE: Just bread?

QUINN: Please! It sounds more breakfast-y the way I say it.

DARIA: It sounds less English-y whenever you do that.

QUINN: [Peeved] What? Oh, I've lost my appetite. Good-bye! [Leaves]

DARIA: Yeah, she was just tearin' for that cold slice of white bread a
minute ago.

JAKE: [Changing the subject] What's in that cereal of yours?

DARIA: Uh... ingredients with four syllables or more.

JAKE: You like it?

DARIA: [Shrugs] Eh.

JAKE: Do they have it in those small little one-serving boxes?

DARIA: Why are you asking all this?

JAKE: Uh... just making conversation.


[Ext. Lawndale streets. Shortly after.]

[Daria and Jane take the sidewalk to school.]

JANE: Just conversation, huh? I was under the impression that nobody in your
family makes an attempt to communicate with you.

DARIA: They don't. Something's going down... And I have no idea what the
hell it is.

JANE: That's the scary part.

DARIA: Ohhhhhhh yeah.


[Int. Jake's office. Day.]

[Jake is making a short shopping list. He then presses his intercom.]

JAKE: Adrienne? I'll be taking the weekend off starting tomorrow. I have
some... family plans. AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!... Thanks. [Lets go of
the button and returns to refining his list]


[Int. Morgendorffer living room. Later that afternoon.]

[Jake sits on the couch in his casual dress flicking through channels via
remote.]

TV ANNOUNCER: Next, [Click: Jake changes the channel but the same voice
continues] on [Click] Sick [Click] Sad [Click] World, [Click]
ducks [Click] that [Click] can-

[Jake finally turns off the TV in a huff.]

JAKE: Is that the only thing that's EVER on in this town? [The door is heard
opening and closing] That you, Daria?

DARIA: [O.S.] No.

JAKE: Okay, Daria. [Daria is seen behind him walking upstairs] If you're not
here, Daria, then I guess I can't talk with you about... wait, you did
that before. Get down here. [She's already out of earshot] Oh dang.

[Door opens and shuts again.]

JAKE: Quinn?

QUINN: [Walking upstairs] Yeah, getting ready for a date. Later.

JAKE: Okay. [To himself] You two won't be able to ignore me for too long,
anyway. Heh.

HELEN: [Comes in to his right] What was that?

JAKE: WAUGH! Oh, hi, honey. Didn't hear you come in.

HELEN: Jake, what's with all those groceries in the car?

JAKE: Um... just taking care of some things early. They shouldn't spoil;
none of them need to be refrigerated, so I'll get them tomorrow.

HELEN: Well, alright. I'll be fixin' somethin' up in the kitchen. [Heads in
indicated direction]

JAKE: Okay.


[Establishing shot of the Morgendorffer house. Night]

[Int. Daria's bedroom. Same time. "Mission Impossible" theme plays quietly.]

[Daria is asleep, as the door creaks open. Jake's silhouette enters tip-
toeing. He rams his foot into the skull in the middle of Daria's room.]

JAKE: [Under his breath] OwGoddamnsonofathehellcrapFUDGE!

[He continues, reaching under Daria's bed and pulling out her duffel bag.
He then throws the sparse contents of her closet into it.]


[Int. Quinn's bedroom.]

[Quinn's asleep as Jake tip-toes in carrying a suitcase. He opens Quinn's
closet and nearly stumbles backwards realizing how much more she has than
Daria. He mumbles the Eenie-Meenie-Miny-Moe method and folds the clothes he
chooses into the suitcase.]


[Ext. Morgendorffer house. Close-up of the cars open trunk as Jake throws
the baggage in.]


[Int. Morgendorffer living room.]

[Jake has both girls still in their night clothes slung over his shoulders.
He moves as slowly and quietly as possible so as to not wake them. He tries
to reach for the door, but Quinn slips off that arm and crashes to the
floor. Jake clenches his teeth, but realizing that neither had awakened he
opens the door and picks Quinn back up.]


[Ext. Morgendorffer house. Same night. Music wraps up.]

[The car pulls out of the driveway.]


[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen. Next morning.]

[A newspaper is lifted up as if someone is reading it at Jake's place at the
table. Enter Helen.]

HELEN: Hi, Jake. Just gotta run here. I'll make it up after Sunday, I
promise. Tah! [Leaves]

[Zoom in on the back of the newspaper, revealing that it is being propped up
with a fork the same way Daria had done it earlier. Sting music from
"Psycho" plays.]


[Establishing shot of a freeway where Jake's car is driving. Same day:
sometime later.]

[Int. Jake's car: back seat.]

[Daria and Quinn, still in their night clothes and asleep, are sitting
leaned head to head against each other. Quinn begins to drool a little.
Daria slowly wakes up, then Quinn. Quinn then realizes that she's drooling,
and Daria that she's being drooled on.]

BOTH: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[Realizing that their leaning on each other, they pull away.]

BOTH: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[They then realize that they're in a car.]

BOTH: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[Zoom out so Jake can be seen as well.]

JAKE: Hi, kids! See that you're awake! We'll be on the road for the whole
weekend!

[Daria and Quinn look at each other.]


[Ext. Freeway, panning to follow Jake's car. Same moment. "Psycho" sting
music starts again.]

DARIA & QUINN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!


[Commercial bumper: same music continues. Slow-mo B&W of Jake's evil laugh
on the intercom.]

END ACT I

***

ACT II

[Int. Jake's car: back seat. A short moment later.]

[Quinn is sitting stage right, still looking worried and rubbing her head.
Daria is left, considerably calmed down with her eyes scanning for her
glasses. Finding them folded up in a cup holder, she takes them out and puts
them on.]

DARIA: Dad, what the hell is this all about?

QUINN: Ohhhh, it feels like I was dropped on my head.


[Cut to wider front-shot of the car so Jake can be seen.]

JAKE: [Nervously] Heh heh. Um... [Normal] I've been thinking about how much
time I'd like to spend with you girls, so I thought that by having fun
for the weekend we could catch up a little on each other.

QUINN: But I had eight dates lined up!

JAKE: W-what?! But you said you had no-

QUINN: That was yesterday *morning* that you asked that, Dad. Did you truly
think no one would ask me out before a *weekend*?

JAKE: Uh-

DARIA: Dad, how did you convince Mom to go along with this?

JAKE: Uh-uh-

QUINN: You mean Mom doesn't know about this?! We're doomed!

JAKE: Come on! It'll be fun!

DARIA: That's what I'm afraid of.

QUINN: Can we at least stop somewhere to change and have breakfast?

JAKE: No time. I had no idea that you girls were gonna sleep so late...

DARIA: [Deadpan] It's a weekend. We do that.

JAKE: ...Plus I had no idea it'd take this long to get to the stadium.

[Daria and Quinn look at each other.]

BOTH: Stadium?


[Ext. anonymous baseball stadium. A short moment later.]

[Jake's car pulls into the parking lot.]


[Ext. Jake's car. The car has just stopped.]

[Jake gets out, goes to the trunk, and puts the girls' bags in the back seat
with them.]

JAKE: Here you go. Just change while I get the tickets.

[He grabs a light jacket from the trunk and closes it, heading to the
stadium.]


[Int. Jake's car: back seat.]

[Daria and Quinn hold their bags and look at each other worriedly. Daria
then turns around to the window back to her monotone self.]

DARIA: Here we go. I have lost every ounce of my dignity right here and now.
How about that?

QUINN: [Opening her suitcase] Eww! Look what he picked! And he folded them
all wrong!

DARIA: Quinn, do me a favor and make me promise you something.

QUINN: Huh? Why?

DARIA: So when I cross my heart I'll have a better chance of dying.


[Ext. stadium parking lot.]

[Upchuck walks past a couple of cars on the way to the stadium, humming.]

[Close-up of Upchuck as he stops. He raises an eyebrow with his trademark
grin when he notices "something." He then ducks out of the shot.]


[Ext. stadium. A couple of seconds later.]

[Jake is buying the tickets. He's wearing the jacket he took out of the
trunk a moment ago.]

JAKE: Three.

VENDOR: You're a bit later than most people are for purchasing a ticket...
you're lucky no one comes to these Minor League games. I could go on
and on about how this happens, y'know.

[Pause.]

JAKE: Okay, alright. Three, PLEASE.

VENDOR: Thank you.


[Ext. Jake's car. A moment later.]

[Daria and Quinn have exited the car, now fully clothed in their usual
attire. Daria is holding her hand while Upchuck is crumpled unconscious on
the ground, periodically twitching.]

QUINN: I didn't think that you could get that physical.

DARIA: I can't... Ow.

QUINN: So... um... do we just leave him there?

DARIA: You want to touch him?

QUINN: No way!

DARIA: He stays.

QUINN: Agreed.

JAKE: [O.S.] Daria! Quinn!

DARIA: He moves.

QUINN: Agreed.

DARIA: Quick.

[They both kick Upchuck under Jake's car. Though unconscious, he still
grunts with each kick they give him. He's out of sight just before Jake
comes up.]

JAKE: C'mon, girls! Let's get inside.


[Int. stadium bleachers. A moment later.]

[From stage left to right, Daria, Jake and Quinn take their seats next to
each other. Quinn has also acquired a light jacket, while Jake is wearing a
baseball glove.]

JAKE: You girls sure are lucky! I never got to go out to a ball game with
my dad. Y'know, I've always wanted to catch a foul ball from here, but
that lousy ba-uhhh, he wouldn't take me. But now... [slams fist into
his gloved hand]

DARIA: Um, then isn't this a little more for you than for us?

[Jake's eyes dart around desperately yet silently.]

JAKE: [Calling to someone O.S.] Hey! Toss one up here!

[Jake holds up his gloved hand as a hot-dog is tossed up. The hot-dog hits
him in the chest but he manages to keep it from landing on the ground by
holding it there with his ungloved hand.]

JAKE: There! I still technically caught it! Heh, still got it.

[Pause]

QUINN: What am I sitting in?


[Dissolve to the same scenario. Sometime later.]

[Jake is still holding the uneaten hot-dog. Otherwise, the same.]

DARIA: [Deadpan] We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher... um... and stuff.

QUINN: When does this game start?

JAKE: It already did about an hour ago.

QUINN: Oh, well, I must've been, um... oh.

DARIA: Is there gonna be any blood? I don't watch sports unless there's
blood... Or food. Blood and food. I need those to watch a sport. Not
necessarily blood *in* food, though that'd be nice too... [Snaps
fingers and calls O.S.] Garçon?

JAKE: I've got a hot-dog right here.

DARIA: I'm asking for food here, Dad. [Calling] Popcorn here!

JAKE: Quinn?

QUINN: No way, Dad.

JAKE: C'mon, you were the one that wanted breakfast.

QUINN: I'm not that hungry anym- [stomach growls] Shut up! [Back to Jake]
I'm not that hungry anymore.

[Pause]

DARIA: Popcorn, I say!


[Dissolve to the same scenario. Sometime later.]

[Daria has her popcorn. Jake has his hot-dog, still uneaten.]

JAKE: C'mon, kids. Tell me about yourselves.

DARIA: What's there to say?

QUINN: Daria's too boring to get to know...

DARIA: And Quinn's too snooty. Why do we need to elaborate?

JAKE: I just want you to open up to your-

DARIA: Kidnapper?

JAKE: Hey, I still have legal custody of you two.

DARIA: Joint custody, that is, with someone that doesn't know we're here.

JAKE: But- [Sound of a bat cracking] HEY! HEY! One's comin' over here!
[Gives hot-dog to Quinn and gets up, gloved hand extended and waving]
C'mon! Over here! I've been waiting all my life for this!

[Daria looks wide-eyed for a split second just before the baseball smacks
her in the nose, knocking her out of her seat, out of sight.]

JAKE: DAMN IT! Boy, Daria, how do you get so lucky?!

DARIA: [O.S.] It must be genetic.

QUINN: Oh, look, Daria. You're on the big TV thingy.


[Close-up of the monitor as it plays Daria getting whapped off her seat by
the ball in slow motion.]


[Cut back to the seats.]

DARIA: [O.S.] Peachy. My embarrassment wasn't nearly as high as it could've
been.


[Dissolve to same scenario. Sometime later.]

[Daria has a tissue up her nose. Quinn is still holding the uneaten
hot-dog.]

JAKE: Wow, this game's getting really RAD!

QUINN: Shut up, Dad.

DARIA: [Urkel-like nasal voice] I never thought I'd say this, but I miss
Mom.

QUINN: Yeah.

[Organ music for "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays.]

JAKE: Wait! WAIT! We can't miss this part!

DARIA: Dear Lord, no.

JAKE: o/` Take me out to the ballll game! Take me out to the crowwwwd! o/`

DARIA: [Monotone] I wish Dad would have a hearrrrrt attack.

QUINN: [Not into it, but to the tune] o/` Even if you paid me, I'd never
come back. o/`

DARIA: Choke us,

QUINN: o/` Dice us, o/`

DARIA & QUINN: Or staaaaaab us.

DARIA: As long as we're dead it's the saaaaaame.

JAKE: o/` `Cause it's ONE, TWO, THREE strikes yer out in the olllll' balllll
gaaaame! o/` [Music wraps up] That was great, girls! Glad to see
you're finally getting into it!

[Daria and Quinn roll their eyes towards each other. Daria then rips the
tissue out of her nose.]

DARIA: That does it! If I can just let my nose bleed more I can pass out and
not have to live with this!

QUINN: You still got a little paper up there.

DARIA: [Vigorously wiping her nose with the back of her hand] Damn it!


[Ext. stadium parking lot. Some time later that day.]

[Jake, Daria, and Quinn are walking to the car. Quinn looks ill. Daria is
carrying her emptied popcorn bag like a lunch sack.]

DARIA: [To Quinn] So you finally gave in to hunger and whoofed down the
weenie. How do you feel?

QUINN: Ugh.

JAKE: That's whatcha get for letting it get cold for so long.

DARIA: It's a hot-dog, Dad. I think eating that with nothing else to pad her
stomach in the morning does that anyway.

[Jake takes his and Quinn's jackets and tosses them in the trunk. Daria
throws her bag in there also before he shuts it.]

JAKE: At least it isn't one of those Japanese made hot-dogs. These were good
old American-made hot-dogs.

DARIA: Dad, what the hell are you talking about?

JAKE: ... I don't know.

[They get in the car.]


[Int. Jake's car. Wide enough shot to see the whole group.]

[Again, girls in the back, Jake driving.]

JAKE: [Starting the car] At least gimme some credit for trying to sound like
I knew something.

DARIA: It certainly is an accomplishment for you.

JAKE: [Pulling the car out] Thanks, Kiddo.

[The car bumps.]

UPCHUCK: [O.S.] My arm!

JAKE: What was that?

DARIA & QUINN: Keep driving.


[Establishing shot: Ext. Freeway, panning to follow Jake's car. Sometime
later. Traveling music.]


[Int. Jake's car. Wide enough shot to see the whole group. Same time.]

[Again, girls in the back, Jake driving. Quinn still looks ill.]

QUINN: Unk... Where now?

DARIA: Bob's World O' Wax?

QUINN: A Medieval torture chamber?

DARIA: The vomitorium?

QUINN: The library?

DARIA: [Pauses, then glares at Quinn] Fashion Bug?

QUINN: [Glares at Daria] The museum?

DARIA: [Getting louder and closer to Quinn] Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits?!

QUINN: [Louder and closer to Daria] The Loser Arcade?!

DARIA: [Louder/closer] THE SNOB BALL?!

QUINN: [Louder/closer] OPTOMETRIST??!

JAKE: Whoa, whoa! Those all sound nice, girls...

[Daria & Quinn relax and focus not-so-pleasantly on Jake.]

JAKE: ...But I was thinking more along the lines of a fair!

DARIA: [Unenthusiastically] The fair?

JAKE: [Happy] The fair!

QUINN: [Not] The fair?!

JAKE: [Happy] The fair!

DARIA & QUINN: [Not] *The fair*?!

JAKE: [Happy] The fair!


[Ext. County Fair.]
[Jake's car pulls in.]


[Dissolve to: Int. County Fair. Sometime later.]

[Jake drags the girls behind him, himself all giddy.]

JAKE: Oh, where to first? Hey, a Merry-Go-Round! Ooh, a Ferris Wheel! Maybe
we should try some games first! Ring toss! Ring toss!

DARIA: Hey, Quinn, how would you like a corndog?

QUINN: <Hurk>

DARIA: Oh, poor, dear sister. She's still got a tender tum-tum.

JAKE: That's right. Here, let me get you a soda to ease your stomach.

QUINN: Diet.

JAKE: Right. [Runs to a nearby stand.]

DARIA: Okay! Quick! Let's make a break for it!

QUINN: [Going to a bench] Yes... just let me sit down for a bit. [Does so]

[Daria sighs. Jake returns with a container of soda.]

JAKE: Here you are, Kiddo.

DARIA: Quinn's the one with the nausea.

JAKE: [Honestly] I know that. [Hands the container to Quinn, who starts
sipping]

DARIA: But I'm "Kiddo." That's my thing that you call me.

JAKE: Well gee, Daria, I didn't know that you really liked being called
that.

DARIA: [Confused about herself] ...I don't.

JAKE: Y'know, I didn't really get anything for myself at the game. I'm gonna
grab me some munchies. Want anything?

DARIA: Ah, no. No.

JAKE: Okay, then. [Leaves]

[Beat. Daria looks at Quinn for a moment, who's sucking quickly at the
straw.]

DARIA: Uh, maybe you shouldn't drink that so fast.

QUINN: [Stops drinking long enough to speak] Look, I'm thirsty, I'm queasy,
and you can't stop me. [Continues drinking]

DARIA: Well, that *is* true I suppose.

[Some white, male peer enters. Quinn suddenly chokes and just as quickly
recovers.]

QUINN: Robert?! Boy, am I glad to see you! [Gets up and places her drink on
the bench]

ROBERT: You are?

QUINN: Yeah! I need your help! You need to get me out of here!

DARIA: Ahem.

QUINN: [Quieter] Oh, yeah, and my... cousin.

DARIA: Thaaaaaaanks.

ROBERT: Sure, but, uh, I just got here. I didn't get to do anything.

QUINN: Oh, please? I'll pay you back with a date when we get home.

ROBERT: Well...

QUINN: You hafta think about it?! [Starts jumping up and down on emphasis]
C'mon, I'm CUTE, I'm LOVEable, I'm DARling, I'm- [Belches loudly on
her last landing] Oh my God!

ROBERT: Uh, suddenly I feel greater will power to turn you down... Bye.
[Leaves]

QUINN: Wait!

DARIA: Told you not to drink so fast.

QUINN: Shut up.

JAKE: [Quickly returning with miscellaneous snacks] C'mon! Let's see how
many things we can do before sunset!


[Musical montage.]

[Ext. roller coaster in motion. Each car seats two; the girls sit in front
of Jake. Quinn is feeling nauseous all over again. Quickly going down a
slope, Daria's glasses fling up. Pan quickly behind her to see the glasses
being flung into Jake's mouth. Quinn's hair is tickling the nose of the
passenger beside Jake, who sneezes. Pan back forward where Quinn grabs her
neck with an "Ew!"]

[Int. County Fair: roller coaster exit. The three walk out, Jake handing
Daria her saliva-covered glasses. She holds them thumb-and-forefinger in
disgust.]

[Ext. water game. Daria and Quinn are shooting water pistols for prizes.
Quinn looks at Jake, her gun, then back to Jake. When Jake looks at her, she
quickly turns back to the game.]

[Int. Teacup ride. Pan around to see them all plastered to the side.]

[Ext. Teacup ride exit. Quinn and Jake walk dizzily out, Jake with a dumb
smile. Daria calmly walks off and attempts to remove her glasses. They stick
like suction cups, coming off with an audible "pop." She then replaces them
and continues on her way.]

[Ext. dart game. Again, the girls aiming for prizes. Daria looks at Jake,
her darts, and Jake again. Jake looks at her and she quickly turns back to
the game.]

[Ext. Ferris Wheel. The Morgendorffers' cart is at the top. Daria spits over
the edge then squints. Someone yelling "Hey!" is heard and Daria gives a
small smirk.]

[Ext. dunking booth. A sign says "Dunk Your Parent!" Daria and Quinn look
at each other with grins. They quickly fill out a form each and put them in
a ballot box. The sisters look at each other for a moment then quickly fill
out five more each.]

[Cut to later at the booth. Robert is tossing beanbags at a target where
a woman, presumably his mom, is atop the plank. The Morgendorffers are amid
the crowd watching. Daria and Quinn look at each other with a sigh as
Robert's mother falls to the tank.]

[Int. bumper car arena. Daria and Quinn both glare at Jake as they're about
to start the cars. They begin, but Jake's car simply quickly spins. Daria
and Quinn go after him anyway. Jake's car jerks backwards just before the
girls end up crashing into each other, Quinn's car a little on top of
Daria's, a couple of inches from the driver's area.]

[End montage.]


[Int. Jake's car: both front and back seats visible. Late afternoon.]

[Usual seating arrangement. The girls look like a wreck.]

JAKE: Wow, I'm so hyped up over that! It was great, wasn't it?... Boy, I
wish we could spend every day like this.

[Daria and Quinn suddenly open their eyes wide.]

QUINN: MOTHER!! HELP US!!!

[Zip-pan to Helen's office, where she's dictating to her secretary,
Marianne, who's on the computer. Helen's briefcase remains open on her desk.
Helen suddenly jerks up.]

HELEN: Omigod! My kids are in trouble! [Rushes out without grabbing her
case]

MARIANNE: [Phonetically while typing] Oh... my... God... my kids... are...
[Looks around] Uh, Mrs. Morgendorffer?


[Ext. gas station. Not so much later.]

[Jake's car pulls up to a pump.]


[Int. Jake's car: front and back seats visible.]

[Jake begins to exit.]

JAKE: Don't worry. This shouldn't take long.

DARIA: Uh, Dad? Can I, uh... go get a candy bar?

JAKE: Huh? Oh, sure, Kiddo. [Reaches in his pocket and gives her some
change] Go enjoy yourself, but make it quick.

DARIA: Alright.

[Both exit.]


[Int. gas station. Seconds later.]

[Daria enters and heads directly to the pay phone. After depositing the
right change she quickly dials.]

DARIA: [To herself] Okay, if Mom isn't at home...


[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.]

[The portable phone rings a couple of times. Helen apparently didn't get
back yet.]


[Int. gas station. Same scenario.]

DARIA: [Continuing] ...Then it'll go on her work phone and then her pager.


[Int. Helen's office.]
[Close-up on Helen's open briefcase, where her cell phone and pager are
visible atop several papers. The phone rings a couple of times. The pager
than displays a number and starts vibrating. It vibrates off the desk with
a clunk.]


[Int. gas station. Same scenario.]

DARIA: Damn.

[Daria resets the phone and repeats the process, only dialing a different
number.]


[Int. Jane's room.]

[Trent is sprawled out on Jane's bed fast asleep. Jane is at her canvas with
her hands covered in paint, presumably from the few cans next to her. The
phone starts to ring.]

JANE: Trent, you get that? I'm kinda busy.

[Trent doesn't move. The phone continues to ring.]

JANE: Trent?! I can't touch anything now... [Same happens] ...TRENT?!

[The phone continues ringing as Jane sighs. Her eyes quickly dart around,
she shrugs, and simply wipes her hands clean on Trent's hair. She then picks
up her phone.]

JANE: Yo.


[Int. gas station. Same scenario.]

DARIA: [Half whispering but tense] Jane! You gotta help me! My dad's gone on
this weird bond thing and he won't let me or Quinn go! Just get
someone to drive over here and get us. I'll get Quinn and we can hide
in a dumpster and-

JAKE: [O.S.] Daria?

DARIA: [Head whips around] Augh!

JAKE: [Coming into the shot] Daria, what are you doing? You're not calling
Helen, are you?... Oh no!

[Daria turns back to the receiver. Jake wraps his hands around Daria as he
attempts to pull her away. She holds on to the receiver with all her
strength, pulling the cord tight.]

DARIA: [Quickly] Just hurry! We're just past Exit 27 and I'm calling from
Donny's Discount Gas! We're headed north, I think! Just get someone
down here! You gotta-

[The cord finally snaps. Jake stumbles back a bit. Still holding Daria, he
and her look down at the cord draping from the receiver in silence for a few
seconds.]


[Int. Jane's room. Same scenario.]

[Pause.]

JANE: ...Huh. [Hangs up]

TRENT: [Getting up, paint still in his hair] What was that?

JANE: Ah, back to Oddworld, I see.

TRENT: [Yawns] Yeah, sorta. Who was that?

JANE: Eh, some crank call or something. Someone claiming to be Daria in
trouble.

TRENT: How do you know it wasn't her?

JANE: She had too much emotion in her voice.

TRENT: Hmm... I dunno. Could you at least check her house to satisfy my
curiosity?

JANE: Fine.


[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen. Seconds later.]

[Helen runs in, panicked. Jake's newspaper is still propped up.]

HELEN: Jake, has something happened with the kids?! [Gasps, out of breath]
Because I could've sworn that I felt... Jake? Jake, are you even
listening to me?

[Helen yanks away the paper and the fork falls to the table.]

HELEN: Jake, will you- <Gasp!>

[Dramatic zoom-in on a Post-It note left at Jake's place reading: "GONE
BONDIN'."]

[Close-up of Helen.]

HELEN: Oh no!

[A phone rings O.S. Helen's eyes head towards the sound.]

[Medium shot of the kitchen. Helen picks up the phone.]

HELEN: Yes?

JANE: [Over the phone] Hi, Jane Lane here. Is Daria there?

HELEN: Uh... yes. Hold on a moment.

[Helen puts her hand on the mouth piece, looking panicked all over again.
Her eyes look around, she takes a couple of deep breaths, and then goes back
to the phone.]

HELEN: [In the most deadpan voice she can pull off] Hello?


[Split-screen. Helen left, Lanes right.]

JANE: Daria?

HELEN: No, it's Mrs. Buttersworth. What is it?

JANE: You sound a little different.

HELEN: Oh... well, a little cold may explain that.

JANE: Bummer. Need anything?

HELEN: No!... Uh, my mom wouldn't allow anyone into my room for the time
being, so I doubt any friends would have a chance getting up here
either.

JANE: True... Hang on a moment.


[Int. Jane's room. Same scenario.]

TRENT: Well?

JANE: Sure seems like Daria's home to me. You'd like to see for yourself,
Mr. Skeptic?

TRENT: Don't mind if I do. [Takes the phone] Hey, Daria.


[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen. Same scenario.]

[Helen suddenly tenses up and holds the mouth piece again.]

HELEN: [To herself] Oh no. It's her friend's brother... How should I act
to him? I've never seen them interact... uhhh.... [To the phone] Uhh,
gotta-go-bye! [Hangs up] Jeez.


[Int. Jane's room. Same scenario.]

[Trent holds the phone, dial tone audible. He then hangs up.]

JANE: What happened?

TRENT: As soon as I got on she suddenly tensed up and hung up.

JANE: It's Daria.

TRENT: Huh?

JANE: Trust me.

TRENT: I dunno. Something still seemed weird about that... We'd better go
down there and check things out... [ponders] ...tomorrow. [Suddenly
flops back down onto the bed]

JANE: Well, nice to see your enthusiasm behind your worry.

[Trent snores loudly. Jane turns back her canvas.]

JANE: Don't you worry. The only thing wrong with Daria is a cold. She's
alright.


[Int. gas station, focusing on the doorway.]

[Daria slumps over in Jake's arms as he carries her away from the camera
through the door. She still has a firm grip on the receiver despite her
pitiful facial expression.]


[Commercial bumper: B&W slow-mo split-screen of Jake's car pulling into the
stadium parking lot and into the fair.]

END ACT II

***

ACT III

[Int. Jake's car: back seat. Evening.]

[Quinn is at her seat stage right. On her left, though, is the pay phone
Daria was using, still broken.]

[Zoom out so the front seats are visible. Jake's driving while Daria takes
shotgun.]

JAKE: [Bitter, to himself] I really don't appreciate that "you break it, you
bought it" crap. [To Daria] And I am very disappointed in you, little
missy!

DARIA: Are you trying to say that I'm a traitor for seeking help away from
the man that stole us from our own beds at night?

JAKE: Oh, none of that guilt stuff! I'm just all cheesed right now... But
that's not gonna keep me from getting to know you better! We'll just
sleep it off tonight and then tomorrow we can go to The Mall of the
Millennium.

QUINN: [Happy] Seriously?!

DARIA: Yes, Quinn. All around the mall... with your dad.

QUINN: [Crushed] Oh... MAN!


[Int. girls' motel room. A little later.]

[It's the usual motel room; a bed on either side of a nightstand with a lamp
on top and a TV remote not only Velcroed but tethered to the top. A
telephone is also on said nightstand. A TV is at the foot of the beds, a
closet is at the other wall, and between those is a door to another room.
Jake is talking to his daughters who are each taking a seat on a bed.]

JAKE: This door behind me leads into my room, so if you ever need anything,
you can just go through there instead of going out and around. Isn't
that convenient?!

QUINN: [Unenthusiastic, not really listening] Yeah, Dad.

JAKE: You need anything before I go?

DARIA: Hm... I feel the need for speed... and I need steam... oh, yeah, and
I'd also like-

JAKE: You can say no.

DARIA: Oh... well then... no.

JAKE: Okay, then. [Goes through said door]

[A couple of seconds pass before Jake returns.]

JAKE: Oh, and I'll be taking this. [Takes the phone from the nightstand and
leaves again] Good night.

[Daria kicks off her boots as does Quinn and they both lie down with a sigh.
Quinn looks around for a second, eyes the remote, and picks it up, using a
bit of effort to remove it from the Velcro.]

DARIA: Can't we just sleep?

QUINN: Daria, I haven't watched television all day. I need something to get
my mind away from this whole nightmare.

DARIA: Fine then.

[Quinn tries to point the remote at the TV, but the tether is short than her
arm. She struggles to get it aimed straight at the television only to pull
the nightstand down, also smashing the lamp that was on top of it. Beat.]

QUINN: Sleep would be nice.

DARIA: Yes.


[Dissolve to later in the same room. The girls have dressed into their night
clothes. Daria is about to flick off the wall switch and take off her
glasses. Quinn holds up her hand to stop her.]

QUINN: Wait. Do you think Dad would be asleep by now?

DARIA: I dunno. Why?

QUINN: We can get his phone.

DARIA: Did you just think of something logical before I did?

QUINN: Uh... yes?

DARIA: You go do it.

QUINN: Me?!

DARIA: You thought of it.

QUINN: That's exactly why *you* should do it! I already did my part in the
idea: forming it. You execute it.

DARIA: <Grump> Great. [She grumbles while walking towards the door] My
sister is making sense, my dad's gone even more insane than usual.
The end of the world really is near.


[Int. Jake's motel room.]

[This room is practically a mirror image of the girls'. None of the lights
are on. Daria slowly opens the door and peeks through. She then opens it all
the way and tip-toes towards Jake's nightstand, where both his room's phone
and the other room's phone sit. Jake mumbles and shifts around and Daria
stops in her tracks, hand extended towards one of the phones. After a second
Daria moves slightly only to notice that Jake is beginning to sit up. She
quickly ducks and rolls under the unused bed. Jake sits up in bed, his head
bowed. He sighs.]

JAKE: Sheesh. I can't sleep... I guess Daria had a point... [Looks to the
ceiling] But you know, God? - Or should I call you Lord?... Ah, I
guess it doesn't matter. But why haven't I been able to mentally link
with those whom I'm genetically linked? Heh, I'm sure the kids have
wondered that themselves... [Looks back down] Maybe it's just one of
those crappy stupid mid-life crisis things I've heard about. Still,
this whole thing is leaving me wondering why, despite the fact that
I've been married almost two decades with two wonderful children,
[Lies back down and sighs again] that nobody loves me... [Closes his
eyes]

[Daria peeks out from under the bed towards Jake then goes back under. She
comes out from under the foot of the bed and quietly steps towards the
adjoining door. She puts her hand on the knob, looks back a little worried,
then opens the door, going through.]


[Int. girls' motel room.]

[Daria enters. Quinn is sitting on her bed.]

QUINN: Did you find it?!

DARIA: Huh? [Suddenly remembers her agenda] Uh... no. He hid it good.

QUINN: Damn it, Daria! Will you ever do anything right?

DARIA: [Getting under her sheets] I sure hope I am. [Flips out the light]

[Blackness.]

QUINN: [V.O.] Huh?


[Fade in on establishing shot of the freeway panning to keep up with Jake's
car. The next day.]


[Int. Jake's car: front seats.]

[Daria: shotgun, Jake: driving, Quinn: middle of the back seat. Silence.]

JAKE: Sooooooooo... everyone sleep well?

QUINN: Mmm.

DARIA: Uh-huh.

[Beat.]

JAKE: Okay, then... `Cause you know how I care about you.

QUINN: [Tired] Yeah, Dad.

DARIA: [Quickly turning to the window] Yes I do.

[Another beat.]

JAKE: Okay, then...


[Ext. Mall of the Millennium (MotM) parking lot. Day.]
[Jake's car pulls in.]


[Ext. MotM. A bit later.]

[The three drag their feet to the entrance, exhausted.]

DARIA: I told <gasp> you... that we should have <gasp> taken... the trolley.

JAKE: Yeah... you did. <phew>... Oh no, I forgot my wallet!

DARIA & QUINN: Arrrrgh!


[Int. MotM. Later.]

[The three are sitting on a bench while Jake tries to make sense of the
map.]

JAKE: What the hell?... [Turns the map around several times] Things don't
look all that much the same from the last time we were here.

QUINN: Daaaaad, it's a little ploy the proffesional-type people use. They
shift the stores around every once in a while to get you to explore
more!

JAKE: Oh.

QUINN: I'd look around anyway, but SOME people just can't seem to-

DARIA: Why don't we try to decide where we're gonna go *before* going there?

JAKE: Y-yeah. That'd be fine.

QUINN: Cashman's! Cashman's!

DARIA: [Loud whisper] With your dad.

QUINN: Uh, why don't we let Daria decide first?

JAKE: That's very sweet of you, Quinn.

DARIA: Once again, Dad's being oblivious comes to the rescue.

JAKE: Huh?

DARIA: See?

JAKE: What?

DARIA: How about my obvious choice: Books by the Ton.

JAKE: Alrighty. [Studies map] Now let's see here... second floor, left of
the food courts... a little past this DooDad Shop thing...

DARIA: [Worried] DooDad Shop?


[Zip-pan to Ext. DooDad Shop. Dramatic sting music. Daria's "1,000th
Customer" poster is sill out front.]


[Zip-pan back to the Morgendorffers. Same time and scenario.]

JAKE: [Continuing] ...and it's right in between... Bikini Island and Land
O' Condoms?? Sheesh!

DARIA: [Quickly grabbing on to the convenience] Uh, yeah, you're right, Dad.
How about um... wait a moment. Could I see that?

JAKE: Sure. [Hands Daria the map]

[Daria flips it over and scans through some lists and schedules. She
suddenly gains an evil grin.]

DARIA: How about a movie?

JAKE: Sure, Kiddo! What would you like to see?

DARIA: Let's decide when we get there.

JAKE: O-tay!


[Int. Movieplex. Sometime later.]

[Surprisingly, the place isn't crowded that much. The trio enter.]

JAKE: Alright, then. What would you like to see?

DARIA: [Looks at all the movie posters all around the area] Hmmmm... how
about... "I'm Still Pretty Darn Cheesed About What You Did a Few
Summers Ago"?

JAKE: Okay. [Hands the girls some cash] Here, go get some snacks. I'll be
right with you. [Starts heading to the ticket booth]

QUINN: [To Daria] You *would* enjoy a movie like that.

DARIA: No way. I hate sequels.

QUINN: Uh, then what are we doing here?

DARIA: I checked the movie listings a while back. And if my plan works,
[Rolls up her sleeve to show her watch] then we'll be able to escape
Dad's evil clutches right about... now.

[Close-up of the sign right above one of the theater doors. It's labeled
"Star Wars: Episode I." Pan down as the doors burst open and seemingly
hundreds of fans squeeze out.]

[Cut to previous view. Jake snaps his head around to look at the stampede.]

JAKE: WHOAA!

DARIA: [To Quinn] Quick!

[The huge crowd passes by, Daria and Quinn blending in. When the mess of
people disappears, only a few fluttering loose pieces of paper and Jake are
visible.]

JAKE: What th-? [Looks around] Kids? Quinn? Daria? How...?


[Ext. Movieplex.]

[A few fans are still scattered around, but for the most part they've gone
their separate ways. Daria and Quinn duck in front of a bathroom door. After
looking around the corner, they breathe a sigh of relief. Quinn then grabs
Daria's hands and starts dancing in a circle.]

QUINN: You saved us! Thank you! Omigod! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! You
are my savior! I owe you so much! [Suddenly recovers and leaves] Well
bye.

[Daria staggers a little bit, still dizzy and confused about what just
happened. She shakes her head to recover herself, shrugs, and starts heading
her own way before the Movieplex doors open. It's Jake. Noticing this, Daria
quickly hides herself in the bathroom. Jake slowly walks over to another
bench and just sits there hanging his head. Daria opens the door a crack
just enough to see out.]

DARIA: [To herself] Oh no. My conscience is bubbling up. Down, foul demon.
Down!... Okay... why should I feel sorry for him? He kidnapped us, he
tortured us, he... wants us, he loves us, he's trying his best, he's-
oh there's that stupid conscience again! Stop it!... As long as he
doesn't do anything like cry I should be okay.


[Int. Cashman's.]

[Quinn enters, her eyes glittering like an Anime character.]

QUINN: Oh... this is the biggest one I've ever seen! [Walks] This must be
what Heaven is like. Hmm... Dad *did* give us some money for snacks
...But what can I get for... [picks money out of her pocket] $140?
[Double-take] Oh wow! Thank you for never counting your money, Dad!

[Quinn starts running through the store, her arms open like she's about to
fly like a bird. She stops at a section of formal dress.]

QUINN: [All giddy like a schoolgirl... that's not really saying anything
new] Oh, so many to choose from! And I can only afford one! Oh, gee.

[She backs up a little, bumping into a familiar face coming out of a
dressing room. Quinn turns around surprised to find:]

QUINN: Tiffany! Am I glad to find you!

TIFFANY: Quinn? Wow, like, what a coincidence to find you here. Where have
you been?

QUINN: Oh, well, I was forced to visit my uncle unexpectedly, and now he's
trying to please me by taking me around and stuff. It was so sudden
that I couldn't even inform the rest of the Fashion Club or any of my
dates about it.

TIFFANY: Bummer.

QUINN: Tell me about it. But anyway, since I found you here, do you think
you could drive me home?

TIFFANY: Well sure, Quinn. I'd do anything for you, you know.

QUINN: Great!

TIFFANY: But first I'm trying to find a good dress here. Can you wait? Maybe
you can help me pick.

QUINN: Oh... okay.


[Ext. next to Movieplex.]

[Jake has his head in his hands, weeping. Daria still stares through the
crack a bit wide eyed. She then gets angry at herself for giving in and
starts slamming the door on her head.]

DARIA: [Emphasizing every slam] DAMN it! DAMN it! DAMN it! DAMN it! DAMN it!

JAKE: [Looking up, wiping his face] Daria?

DARIA: [Stops and exits] Uh, hi, Dad. Um... sorry to leave so suddenly, but,
ah, [indicates bathroom door with her thumb] when you gotta go...

JAKE: Yeah. Yeah... Where's Quinn?

DARIA: [Sitting next to Jake] Oh, um, if I know her she's at that clothes
store. You know that one.

JAKE: Yeah. I mean, I'd like to say I do. But I can't seem to learn anything
about either of you. It's really annoying for me.

DARIA: Just for you?

JAKE: Huh?

DARIA: [Sighs] Look, you may not know much about us, but at least you make
an effort about it... you suck at it, but you try.

JAKE: Yeah...

DARIA: Annnnd... ironically Mom finds out more about us just by being a mom.
She's constantly caught up in work yet somehow she never needs to try
to learn of us. "Mother" thing, I guess. But you attempt to. You're
more willing... except in cases where bribery is the easier route.

JAKE: Oh... gee, Daria! [Hugs her] Thanks!

DARIA: You don't need to... ack, jeez. Dad, no!

JAKE: [Lets go] Well, I don't know what else I learned about you, but that
in itself can hold me for a while... Let's go home.

DARIA: Thank you.

JAKE: Let's go get Quinn.

DARIA: Oh.


[Int. Cashman's. Sometime later.]

[In the same place we last left Quinn. She's sitting in front of the
dressing room. Tiffany comes out in a different dress.]

TIFFANY: Does this make me look fat?

QUINN: [Obviously, she's been going through this for a while] No.

[Tiffany goes back into the dressing room. Daria comes up behind Quinn.]

DARIA: Hi, sister!

QUINN: Dah! Daria? What is it?

DARIA: Well, Dad's gonna take us to-

QUINN: Dad? Forget it. I'm sticking here.

DARIA: But-

QUINN: Go on, now. Tiffany's taking me home herself.

DARIA: Fine. Have your fun here.

QUINN: I will.

[Daria leaves. Tiffany enters in another dress.]

TIFFANY: Does this make me look fat?

QUINN: Nooooo.


[Establishing shot of the freeway, panning to follow Jake's car.]


[Int. Jake's car. Day.]

[Daria: shotgun, Jake: driving.]

JAKE: I'm sorry if I seemed like... well... a nerd...

DARIA: I can relate to that, Dad.

JAKE: Oh. Sorry.

DARIA: Quit saying sorry.

JAKE: Sorry! But I think that in the long run I ended up picking up some
stuff about you.

DARIA: Like what? [Pause] I thought so. [Looks out the window]

[Beat.]

JAKE: I did use your little trick with the newspaper to throw your mom off
for a while.

DARIA: [Turns back with a little grin] Oh really?

JAKE: Heh. Yeah. Don't know how successful it was though. And I'm probably
gonna pay for it when we get home. I think it was worth it to be with
my kids alone for once.

DARIA: Really? [Looks down] Um... [Picks up the popcorn sack from the
stadium] Well, I saved this from the ball park. [Pulls out the ball
that hit her] I don't know *why* I saved it... just one of those
"why not" instances I suppose. Anyway, uh... I know how you always
wanted it so... [mumbles] I'd like you to have it.

JAKE: My own foul ball?... Oh, Daria! [Hugs Daria]

DARIA: DAD! THE CAR!

JAKE: [Suddenly grabs the wheel and swerves] WAAAAAAAAAUUUGGH!


[Establishing shot of the Morgendorffer house. Jake's car pulls in.]


[Int. Morgendorffer living room. Day.]

[Helen is sitting at the couch with a cup of coffee.]

HELEN: I wonder if I'll ever see them again.

[Jake and Daria enter the house. Helen turns around.]

HELEN: Daria!? [Runs to her and hugs her] Oh, Daria, I was so worried about
you! Where have you been?!

JAKE: Uh-

DARIA: You were really that worried about me? Then how come you didn't call
anyone for-... You were afraid to admit that Dad outsmarted you,
weren't you?

HELEN: No! No no no no no yes yes yes yes dear GOD, yes. But you're safe,
Honey, and that's all that matters... [Turning to Jake] Now to take
care of some business. What HELL were you thinking, Jake?!

JAKE: Daria, help me?

DARIA: Uh, sorry, Dad. Despite any guilt that I may feel later, I believe
Mom's chewing out of yourself is well justified in that you *did*
kidnap my sister and I in our slumber.

JAKE: I guess. Alright, Helen. Go on.

HELEN: [Pulling Jake upstairs] And where exactly did you leave Quinn?

JAKE: Daria said a friend was-

HELEN: [O.S.] Did you actually talk to this friend? Is he or she
trustworthy? Who was it, exactly?

JAKE: [Voice diminishing] Helen! I don't know! I'm just...

[Beat.]

DARIA: Well... I wonder what I missed on TV.

[Daria starts heading towards her said destination until the doorbell
rings. Daria opens the door to find Jane and Trent outside, Trent still
having the paint in his hair.]

DARIA: Oh, hi, Jane.... Trent.

JANE: Anything wrong happen around here?

DARIA: Wrong? No, just the usual shenanigans and hi-jinks of the
Morgendorffer family.

JANE: [To Trent] You see?

TRENT: Fine. You were right.

JANE: [Back to Daria] Your cold sounds a lot better.

DARIA: What cold? [To Trent] And what happened to your hair?

TRENT: What?


[Ext. MotM. Evening.]

TIFFANY: [V.O.] Well, does this make me look fat?

QUINN: [V.O.] No, Tiffany.

[Pause.]

TIFFANY: [V.O.] Does *this* make me look fat?

QUINN: [V.O.] N-... Oh, yes, actually.

TIFFANY: [V.O.] Really? I'll take it.

QUINN: [V.O.] Huh?


END

END CREDIT MUSIC: "Cat's in the Cradle" [there are many versions, so I don't
know where it originated from... sorry.]

A child arrived just the other day,
came to the world in the usual way,
But there were planes to catch
and bills to pay, he learned to walk while I was away
He was talking before I knew it and as he grew
he said "I'm going to be like you Dad,
you know I'm going to be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle,
and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue,
and the Man in the Moon,
When you coming home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then...

[Yeah, I know Daria ain't no son, but otherwise the song works. Good night,
everybody!]