A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story
(Part of the "Daria: The OAV's" Series)
by Peter W. Guerin

With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Mike Judge, Craig McCracken,
Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.



None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity within the "Daria: The OAV's" series, this story takes
place after the events depicted in "My Stupid Date with Destiny".

All "Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are (c) 1993, 1997,
1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights

All "Powerpuff Girls" characters are (c) 1995, 1998, 1999 Hanna-Barbera
Productions, a Time Warner company. All Rights Reserved.

All "Superman" characters are (c) 1938, 1999 DC Comics, a Time Warner
Company. All Rights Reserved.

"Master Lock" is a registered trademark of the Master Lock Company,
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

"Mach 3" is a registered trademark of the Gillette Company.

"Jell-O" is a registered trademark of Kraft Foods, Inc.

"Citra" is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Company.

"Lexus" is a registered trademark of Lexus Motors, USA; a division of
Toyota Motors, USA.




Endotes to this story are in parenthetical citation format. The number in
brackets refers to the corresponding number in the endnotes section of
this document.




(Since things have radically changed in Daria's world in my Daria-verse, a
new opening sequence is in order. "You're Standing on My Neck" by
Splendora still starts off, and we still see Daria not laughing with the
rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. However, now at
gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get
past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. [1]
Kevin and Brittany are still blocking Daria's locker, but this time, Daria
gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an
ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria
goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not
cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past
them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral,
Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in
her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE
IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. [2] Finally,
at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not
participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it
into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane
both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and
over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, [3] below which is
the caption "in: 'Booted!'" in black "Daria" script.)


Scene 1: The gymnasium at Lawndale High School, 12:30 PM Tuesday.
Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "In Bloom" by Nirvana.


(A game of volleyball is in progress here. Daria Morgendorffer, Jane
Lane, Stacy Nibblet, Andrea Hecuba and Candy Kaine are on one side while
Sandi Griffin, Tiffany Woo, Brittany Taylor, the cheerleader who smacked
Upchuck in Daria's photojournalistic essay in The Daria Database and Jodie
Landon are on the other. Tiffany is about to serve.)

Tiffany: Twenty serving fifteen. (She spikes the ball. Candy smashes it
back, and the game resumes.)

Daria: So, what are your plans for the summer there, Jane?

Jane: Well, if Mom decides to take a couple of weeks and go to Woodstock,
New York to hang out with her artist friends, I might go with her.
Besides, I always wanted to see Bearsville Records' studios there and
perhaps meet Todd Rundgren.

Daria: (Singing to herself.) "I don't wanna work/I just wanna bang on
the drum all day!"

(Their talking distracts them, and they let the volleyball get past them.
Sandi and the members of the rival team cheer as they've won the game.
Morris now approaches Daria and Jane.)

Morris: Daria, Jane, we're supposed to be playing volleyball, not talking
about our plans for the summer!

Daria: Ms. Morris, we're conscientiously objecting to participating in
this game.

Morris: You two are impossible to deal with! Keep this up, and the only
plans you'll be making this summer is to attend summer school in order to
make up this class!

(Candy now approaches.)

Candy: Ms. Morris, maybe if your classes had something Daria and Jane
would actually like to participate in, it could help.

Morris: Yeah, like what?

Jane: Well, some martial arts instruction wouldn't hurt! (Smirks

(Ms. Morris, however, actually seems to have her interest piqued in this

Morris: Say, that sounds like a great idea! (Actually grins herself.)
Tell you what, I'll run it by Ms. Li, and if she agrees, I'll see if Ms.
Barch could perhaps teach some basics. After all, she does head the "Take
Back the Night Self-Defense Club" here in school. (4) I also happen to
know a karate instructor here in town; he's a ninth-degree black belt.
Thanks a lot, Candy, Jane, for bringing this to my attention. (To Daria.)
Perhaps you and Jane may save your hides--yet. (To everyone now.) OK,
that's a wrap for today! Hit the showers!

Daria: Man, do I owe you one, Candy.

Candy: Hey, it's no big deal. Besides, you and Jane do look like the
karate type.

Daria: Want to hang out with Jane at me at my house this Saturday and
watch "Karate Chop Theater"?

Candy: What time?

Daria: They moved it again; now it's on at 3:00 PM.

Candy: Sure, after the weekly Fashion Club shopping trip at Cranberry
Commons. (She now pats Daria's butt.) Take care, huh?

(Daria blushes.)

Daria: What the Hell was that about?

Jane: Say, you don't think she's. . .

Daria: I don't even want to think about it.

(Tiffany--who's been looking at the whole affair herself, turns to Sandi.)

Tiffany: Uh, Sandi, did you just see that?

Sandi: (Still in a Ritalin stupor.) See what?

Tiffany: Candy patting Daria's butt. You don't think she's. . .(sticks
out her hand and lets it go limp.)

Sandi: Tiffany, you are so sick. (5)


Scene 2: The girl's locker room. 12:35 PM. Background music: the
opening horns of "Sellout" by Reel Big Fish.


(We see someone--shadow only--approach a locker. We now see a pair of
cutters being taken out as they clip off the lock. Fast cut to a few
minutes later, as Daria and Jane now go to their lockers.)

Daria: Man, I just can't wait for this day to end.

Jane: Tell me about it. Mr. DeMartino's big test, math being a drag,
and this class.

Daria: Better get my things out to take a shower. (She goes to her
locker, but notices the lock is missing.) Hey, wait a minute. The lock
on this is missing.

Jane: You didn't forget it, did you?

Daria: No. I always put my lock on here.

Jane: You didn't try to use a no-name brand lock, did you? You know the
school only allows Master(tm) locks on the lockers here. (6)

Daria: Yes, dammit, I use a Master(tm) lock! (She now opens the locker.
There's a stunned look of shock on her face, the kind we've never seen
before on her face.) They're gone! They're fucking gone!

Jane: What's gone? (She goes up and looks. Jane has a look of shock on
her face as well.)

Morris: (Now entering the room.) What is going on here?

Daria: Ms. Morris, someone's broken into my locker.

Morris: What? Ms. Li is not going to like this!

Jane: Well, if the teachers were hoping that they were going to get any
textbooks soon, they'd better kiss those hopes good-bye. The money's
probably going to go to new metal detectors and other security measures.

Daria: Jane, that's not funny!

Morris: Can someone tell me what the big deal is!

Daria: I'll tell you. My boots have been stolen!

(Cut to a shot of Daria's gym locker. Sure enough, we can see her
jacket, shirt, skirt, socks, backpack, and even a towel, soap and shampoo,
but those famed Doc Martens boots of hers are nowhere to be found.)

Jane: Man, who'd want to steal those? Hopefully no one with a foot

Daria: (Getting icy now at Jane.) I hate you! (She storms away.)

Jane: Hey, I thought it was funny! (She runs to catch up with her.)

Morris: Man, Ms. Li is going to be pissed!


Scene 3: The hallways of Lawndale High, 1:30 PM Tuesday.
Background music: the booming drum, synthesizer and
sitar break from "Right Here, Right Now" by Fatboy Slim.


(We see Daria and Jane walking down the hallway. Jane's in her usual
outfit of red jacket, black T-shirt, black shorts, black pantyhose and
black fireman's boots. Daria is in her usual outfit except she has to
wear her gym sneakers since her boots have been stolen.)

Daria: Jane, I'm sorry I acted like I did earlier. It's just that those
boots of mine are part of my image, like my glasses.

Jane: And I know how you feel about your glasses from the time Helen made
you try those contact lenses! (7)

Daria: It's part of how I look, how I feel. Besides, they've saved my
ass too many times for me to count when guys act like jerks.

Jane: Is this about vanity again?

Daria: No, it's not; it's about my self-image again; it's like the time
we talked about why I don't show my feelings shortly before Sandi's attack
on me. (8)

Jane: Anyway, did anyone ever tell you that you've got great looking
legs, Daria?

(Daria blushes in embarrassment.)

Daria: You may not live to see the end of this day, Jane Coyote Lane. (9)

(We now see Charles Ruttheimer III, alias Upchuck, walk past. He takes a
look at Daria's legs and whistles at them.)

Upchuck: ROWR! Daria, I didn't know you had such great looking legs!

Daria: Excuse me while I take care of this.

(She goes to Upchuck and kicks him in the testicles.)

Upchuck: YEOW!!!!!!!!!

(He collapses to the floor, clutching his groin.)

Daria: Come on, Jane, let's leave this loser.

(They walk away. Meanwhile, Janet Barch, the science teacher, who saw all
this, goes up to Upchuck.)

Barch: Though what Daria did to you should warrant a trip to Ms. Li's
office, I think you got what you deserved, you man! (She now kicks
Upchuck in the testicles for good measure.)

Upchuck: OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Clutches his groin again.) Feisty!


Scene 4: The Pizza King at Main Street, Lawndale, 3:30 PM Tuesday.
Background music: The opening drum and guitar break from
"Anthem for the Year 2000" by Silverchair.


(We see Daria and Jane eating pizza. Enter the Fashion Club: President
Candy Kaine, Vice-President [and Daria's sister] Quinn Morgendorffer,
Secretary/Treasurer Brittany Taylor [who, despite now being a member, is
still wearing her cheerleader's outfit] and Co-Ordinating officer Tiffany
Woo. [10])

Jane: Heads up, Daria; here comes the Fashion Club.

Daria: God, I hate to see how they think about me without my boots!

(The Fashion Club now approach the table.)

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) MMMMM, Daria, there's something different
about you today; I just can't put my finger on what, though.

Daria: Good for you, Brittany.

Brittany: Gee, thanks!

(Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead over that remark.)

Quinn: (Becoming the first in the Fashion Club to notice.) Daria, where
are you boots?

Daria: They got stolen out of my locker, that's what.

Quinn: But who would want those beat-up old things, anyway?

Daria: I take very good care of those boots, Quinn; besides, you were the
one who picked those out for my birthday the day we moved from
Highland. (11)

(Quinn blushes over that. Tiffany is about to give a fierce scowl to
Quinn when Candy makes a motion to her not to do so.)

Candy: That was real sweet of you to do that, Quinn. You know, I own a
pair of those myself. (The other members of the Fashion Club look at her
in amazement.) Hey, we can't all be fashionable all the time. Lighten
up, guys; it isn't like "Big Brother" Sandi is watching you all the time.
Those days are gone.

Jane: Are we witnessing glasnost and perestroika within the Evil Empire
here, Daria?

Daria: Little good it did to Gorbachev; the Soviet Union collapsed under
his tenure.

Candy: If you are open to some suggestions, Daria, I'd recommend you use
wax on those legs; I see "five o'clock shadow" on them.

(Daria actually looks down at them; she blushes in embarrassment.)

Daria: Gee, I should have used the Mach 3(tm) razor on them.

Jane: And I think you're also growing a beard there.

Daria: You may still die today, Lane.

Candy: Anyway, we're going to go eat now. Power snack, if the term can
be coined. Have to plan some strategy for the upcoming Student Government
Clothes Drive.

Tiffany: Just as long as it isn't a disaster like Volunteer Week was. (12)

Candy: That's why I'm planning strategy. We really should donate old
clothes we don't have a need for anymore; who cares if they're out of
fashion or whatever? When you're poor, does that really matter?

Daria: OK, who took my brain out and transplanted it into her head?

Jane: (Looking over Daria's forehead.) Nah, I don't see any surgical
scars. Then again, they may have taken it out through the nose like the
ancient Egyptians did whey they mummified the pharaohs.

Quinn: EWWWWW!

(Candy, however, chuckles over that.)

Tiffany: Uh, Candy, let's eat before we lose our appetites.

(The Fashion Club now leaves.)

Daria: Another rather sublime meeting comes to a close.

Jane: I think they're spiking the water around here with something. The
Fashion Club's never been this nice to us, at least when Sandi was in

Daria: OK, kemosabe, I'm ready to head home if you are.

Jane: Hi-ho, Silver, away! (She now begins to hum "The William Tell

(Daria and Jane now leave.)

Candy: Quinn, your sister and her friend are so funny.

Tiffany: They are so weird.

Brittany: Well, it's who the are, Tiffany. You may still act stuck-up
but I don't have a stuck-up bone in my body.

Quinn: From what Daria tells me she thinks you're living pudding. (13)

Brittany: EEP!

Quinn: OOPS!

Candy: Brittany, I'm pretty sure Daria meant that only in jest.

Brittany: I sure hope so; Kevvie thinks I'm more like Jell-O(tm)!

Quinn: (To herself.) With hooters the size of Wisconsin, no wonder.


Scene 5: The kitchen table at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks
Lane, Lawndale, 5:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: the opening
synthesizer bars from "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street


(We see the Morgendorffers eating a lasagna dinner. Daria and Quinn are
here, as well as their father, Jake Morgendorffer, and their mother, Helen

Jake: So, girls, how was your day?

Daria: (Usual monotone.) Fine.

Helen: Come on, sweetie; we know when something's bothering you.

Jake: Yeah, like we noticed you came home wearing your gym sneakers today
instead of your boots.

Quinn: Daria told me they were stolen.

(Jake and Helen have shocked looks on their face.)

Helen: Now who would steal your boots, Daria?

Daria: I think it may have been that Doc Martens-worshipping cult I saw
on "Sick, Sad World" recently. (14)

Helen: Daria, be serious for once in your life. Who would have stolen
your boots?

Jake: Well, after what happened in Littleton, Colorado, I bet they're
cracking down on trenchcoats and Goth clothes.

Helen: (Sharply.) Who asked you, Jake?

Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry.

Daria: Mom, Dad, do you really seriously think the school would take away
my boots because they think I might take out a gun and shoot everyone?

Helen: Well. . .

Daria: I wouldn't.

Helen: That's a relief.

Daria: I'd prefer to wear a halter top and hot pants when I do that.

Jake: Daria, you wouldn't!

Helen: Jake, she's obviously making a joke about this. . .(With a tone of
half-concern, half-anger.) you were, right?

(Daria just smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers.)

Quinn: Daria, I think Mom and Dad do have a point. You wear that old
field jacket, knee-length pleated skirt and those boots a lot. It's
almost as frightening as those dusters those two killers wore.

Daria: Come on, guys; even you aren't that dumb enough to paint everyone
who's smart, cynical and an outcast in school as a potential mass

Helen: Well, you also like to play "CyberKron" and "Cannibal
Fragfest". (15)

Daria: This is almost as ridiculous as saying playing with toy guns makes
you violent.

Helen: Maybe you ought to soften that image of yours a bit, Daria.

Daria: And become like Quinn? Been there, done that, hated every minute
of that. (16)

Quinn: Well, Daria, I do have a pair of go-go boots you can borrow until
you can get the others back or get a new pair.

Daria: No thanks; I don't want to look like a fashion disaster.

Helen: Daria, at least consider it.

Daria: Yeah, at the same time they give me a lobotomy. (She gets up to
put her plate away.)

Helen: What am I going to do with her?

Jake: Actually, I think she does have a few points.

Helen: (Shrieking.) WHO ASKED YOU, JAKE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

(Jake runs for his life, going "AAAAAAAA!", while Quinn flinches.)


Scene 6: Daria's bedroom, 7:00 PM Tuesday. Background music: the organ
intro from "Shut Up" by The Monks.


(Daria is going through her closet. She takes out a box. She opens it
and we see it's the brown boots from her first outfit from her "Beavis and
Butt-Head" days. Daria looks at them and then smirks that Mona Lisa smile
of hers.)

Daria: These old things do bring back some memories, don't they?

(Misty dissolve to a flashback sequence, as "Shut Up" continues to play in
the background. We see Beavis and Butt-Head shaking their fists.)


(We now see Daria, in her first outfit of tan jacket, dark green shirt,
pendant, orange skirt, green pantyhose and brown boots, scowling. We now
see Beavis and Butt-Head doing the following: mud wrestling; cow tipping;
trying to "score" with a biker chick; trying to make Daria disappear in a
magic show at Highland High School's Talent Day; [17] getting the crap
beaten out of them by Todd; Daria talking to Mr. Vandreissen shortly
before the police bust in on him from "Beavis and Butt-Head Do America";
and the Morgendorffers' moving away from Highland. [18] Misty dissolve
back to Lawndale in the present, where Daria is now scowling.)

Daria: On second thought, there are some things I'd rather forget.


Scene 7: The same, about 1:30 AM Wednesday. Background music: the
opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Daysleeping" by REM.


(We see Daria asleep, wearing her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and
yellow shorts. Daria's tossing and turning. Zoom in on her as we now cut
to her nightmare. Daria's wearing her first Beavis and Butt-Head outfit,
walking across a plain, when she suddenly bumps into what looks like a
gigantic version of her stolen boots. The music now changes to "These
Boots are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra. Daria looks up, and gasps.
It turns out to be a gigantic version of Nancy Sinatra.)

Sinatra: Are you ready, boots? Start walking!

(The horn coda from the song starts as she starts walking. Daria runs for
her life, but she soon finds herself at the edge of a cliff. She now
looks up, and sees one of the boots descending right on top of her. Daria
wakes up suddenly with a gasp, like she did in "Monster", "Ill", "Through
a Lens Darkly" and Outbitched. Daria catches her breath.)

Daria: I've got to tell Mom to cut back on the garlic in the lasagna; it
seems to be giving me weird nightmares.


Scene 7: The living room of the Lane Residence, 111 Howard Drive,
Lawndale. 7:15 AM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs
of "Loser" by Beck.


(We hear the doorbell ringing. Jane, still wearing her running outfit of
red shirt and white shorts, and her hair all wet with sweat, answers the
door. Frontal shot of her as she has a look of shock on her face.)

Jane: Daria. . .

(Cut to Daria, who has decided to wear her old first "Beavis and
Butt-Head" outfit again.)

Daria: Were you expecting me to be wearing contacts or something like

Jane: Well, that, and it looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.

Daria: I'll tell you about that on the way to school.


Scene 8: A sidewalk somewhere in Lawndale, 7:20 AM Wednesday.


(Daria and Jane are seen walking down the sidewalk. Jane is now in her
usual outfit of red jacket, black T-shirt, black shorts, black pantyhose
and black fireman's boots.)

Jane: So, you're telling me that a gigantic Nancy Sinatra chased you,
then stomped on you like an ant?

Daria: Yeah.

Jane: Rats, I was kind of hoping that maybe it was about you and Trent
kissing passionately.

(Daria scowls fiercely at Jane over that.)

Daria: I hate you.

Jane: I aim to please. (Smirks sinisterly.)

(They now arrive at the front lawn of Lawndale High. Suddenly, their
attention is grabbed by seeing something rather unusual. Kevin and
Brittany are wearing different outfits. Kevin has a red muscle shirt and
jeans, while Brittany is wearing a yellow T-shirt and cut-offs; they're
also both wearing the same type of boots Daria used to have.)

Daria: Oh, my God, Jane; please tell me I'm not seeing this.

Jane: You are.

Brittany: Hi, Daria, Jane.

Kevin: Daria, what do you think of our clothes today?

Daria: Words fail to describe it, frankly.

Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, Daria, these boots are like
real nice and all that.

Kevin: Yeah, I think people are taking me seriously now.

Daria: This is almost as bad as when they were trying out glasses. (19)

Jane: It's even worse than that.

Daria: Kevin, Brittany, let me just straighten you two out on something.
This is not like when I was trying out the contacts.

Kevin: It isn't?

Daria: For one thing, this is not an issue about vanity; it's about my

Jane: Yeah, kind of like how Canadians question their national
identity. (20)

Kevin: Why would they do that? They're Canadians, right? They're not

Daria: I see that approach was wasted on those two.

Jane: Hey, give them some credit. They may be dumb as bricks, but
they're well-meaning people.

Daria: It depends on what your definition of the term "well-meaning" is.

Brittany: Anyway, Daria, your sister Quinn told me that you thought I was
living pudding.

(Daria blushes over that; how could her kid sister betray how she feels
about Brittany?)

Jane: Busted!

Brittany: However, Daria, I am not one to hold a grudge. I'm more like
Jell-O(tm) than pudding.

Daria: (Sarcastically.) Thanks for clearing that up for me, Brittany.

Jane: If you think about it Daria, (Slyly pointing to Brittany's
breasts.) she's right.

Brittany: Of course I'm right! (Giggles.)

Kevin: We just wanted to give you some moral support during your time of
suffering since someone swiped your boots.

Daria: (Realizing that that's the best they can do to comfort her during
this.) Gee, thanks.

Brittany: You know, my parents are planning a family hiking trip to the
Sierra Nevadas this summer; these boots could come in handy for it.

Kevin: I gotta see if Coach Gibson can let me wear these for the next
game. I hear these boots can inflict a lot of damage on someone.

Brittany: They can? EEP!

Daria: Don't worry, Brittany; as long as you have the safety on, no one
will get hurt.

(The bell rings, warning the students that they have five minutes to get
to homeroom.)

Kevin: Gotta go now. See you!

(He and Brittany leave.)

Daria: This is going to be one of those days, isn't it?

Jane: My horoscope didn't say anything about meeting star quarterbacks
and cheerleaders in boots.

(As they step inside, the PA system crackles to life as Angela Li, the
principal, prepares to make an announcement.)

Li: Good mooooooorning, students. Welcome to Lawndale High. After
hoooooomeroom, there will be a speeeeeeeecial assembly at the
auuuuuuditorium in regard to new security measures at the gym. Attendance
is strictly voluntary, but those teachers who don't let their students go
to this assembly willllllllll be docked a full week's pay. Those students
who do attend will get a "life experience credit" added to his/her grade
point average.

Daria: There she goes again with those "life experience credits".

Jane: Ever since she lost that lawsuit Ted's parents filed against her,
she's been doing that a lot. Of course, the ruling doesn't affect the
teachers, so she can still do what she wants with them.

Daria: I thought we had a powerful teachers' union in this state.

Jane: Well, sort of. She can't fire them, though. They've all got

(Daria smirks over that remark.)


Scene 9: The Lawndale High auditorium, 8:00 AM Wednesday. Background
music: The opening guitars from "The Hammer to Fall" by Queen.


(We see Ms. Li, standing behind a podium on the stage.)

Li: Assssss you are allllll aware of, there was a break-in at the girls'
locker room in the gym yesterday, resulting in the theft of Daria
Morgendorffer's boots. Since I'm presuming that alllll of you have been
using the Master(tm) locks mandated by the Physical Education Department,
and since no student hassssssss access to the clippers we use for
unscheduled searches--er, I mean emergencies--and since we do extensive
background criminal checks on the custodial staff here, I'm not presuming
that this is an inside job by them or a theft by a student. We have
turned this matter over to the police for investigation. Due to this
incident; we have decided to beef up security in the gym. Metal detectors
willllllll be installed to the entrances to the boys' and girls' locker
rooms, and motion detectors will allllllllso be installed as well.
Further, the equipment room will be locked at all times to prevent
"borrowing" of gym equipment for faculty use after hours.

(We cut to a shot of Anthony DeMartino, the social studies teacher.)

DeMartino: (To himself, as his right eye bulges out). DAMMIT!
Now I can't USE the golf CLUBS I've been borrowing from here to
improve my GAME at Sedimentary ROCK Country CLUB and
LINKS! (21)

Daria: Big Brother has struck again.

Jane: Hey, at least she's thinking of you. (Smirks sinisterly.)

Daria: I'd rather take my chances at the torture rooms in the Ministry of

Jane: (Holding up four fingers.) How many fingers am I holding up?

Daria: Thursday. (22)

Jane: You're supposed to say "five," dammit! Now I'm going to push the
lever to nine!

(Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile again.)

(Cut back to DeMartino.)

DeMartino: What a lousy DAY this has been so far, and I haven't even
HAD my first CLASS yet! After school's over, I'm going to go to
the RathSKELLER (23) and get BOMBED!


Scene 10: Lawndale High cafeteria, 11:30 PM Wednesday. Background music:
the opening guitar riffs from "Sold Me Down the River" by The Alarm.


(Daria and Jane are eating their lunch. Quinn now approaches them.)

Quinn: Hey, you guys! (To Daria.) Still down in the dumps about your
boots being stolen?

Daria: Down in the dumps doesn't even to begin describing how I fell.

Quinn: Don't worry; I can get you another pair. (She takes our her
wallet and produces a card.) I just got my Cashman's "Teen Club" credit
card! The best part is the charges go to Mom and Dad.

Jane: Ah, you're never too young to learn about larceny! (Smirks
sinisterly. Quinn actually likes what Jane just said and smirks herself.)

Daria: (To Quinn.) Are you actually picking up things from her?

Jane: I think she is. Keep this up and you'll wind up begging her to
start telling everyone that you're her cousin again.

Daria: Don't tempt me.

Jane: Next I'll be teaching her how to smuggle moonshine and dodge

Daria: Thank you, Snuffy Smith.

(Jane smirks sinisterly again.)

(We now see someone in green overalls approach. He's a man with balding
gray hair and brown eyes. The name on the front says "Ray". He goes up
to Daria.)

Ray: Excuse me; you're Daria Morgendorffer, right?

Daria: No, actually I'm her evil twin Lucy.

Ray: (Laughing.) You're the one, all right. I'm Ray, the head
custodian. Mind if I talk to you for a second?

Daria: Sure. (Gets up.) I'm sure it won't take too long. (She goes
with Ray.)

Jane: Could this be a break in the case?

Quinn: Or someone thinks maybe Daria took her own boots for the

Jane: Nah, she wouldn't risk ten years in solitary for that. (Smirks
evilly again.)

(Daria follows Ray to the hall to his office a couple of doors down. They
enter. Ray closes the door.)

Ray: What I have to say is not to leave this room.

Daria: Is Ms. Li watching and/or listening in?

Ray: We're not bugged. We're one of few people she actually trusts.

Daria: "Who will keep the keepers themselves?"

Ray: Well, I've done my own research, and Ms. Li hasn't been on the
level with the students in this at all. A pair of those clippers that are
used to conduct her unscheduled searches is indeed missing. And the
person responsible did a very good job of covering his tracks.

Daria: How so?

Ray: We keep an inventory of all equipment here. (Hands Daria a
printout.) This was the inventory on those clippers from just last week.
(Hands her another printout.) And this is one from today. Notice
anything peculiar?

Daria: Yeah, on the new one, it says one of them was "loaned" to the
Lawndale Police Department.

Ray: Did some checking on that. The Lawndale PD has enough of those
clippers already. Someone fudged the records to hide the fact that he or
she stole that pair.

Daria: So you're thinking inside job.

Ray: Either that, or a disgruntled ex-employee with an axe to grind.

Daria: This case is getting stranger by the moment.

(We hear that jeering, teasing version of "La, la, LA, la la!" as wee see
a widescreen shot of Daria noticing her boots are missing from her gym
locker in slow-motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo
superimposed over it.)




Announcer: On an all-new episode of "The Powerpuff Girls", MoJoJoJo
steals Daria's brain so it can power his all-powerful "Deathbot" robot!

(Cut to a scene in Daria's bedroom where MoJoJoJo is seen hovering above
Daria with a saw as she's sleeping.)

MoJoJoJo: With Daria's brain, my Deathbot robot will be invincible!

(Cut to a scene where Helen is trying to wake Daria up.)

Helen: Daria! Get your butt out of bed now! Time to go to school!

(Close-up of Daria; her real brain's been replaced with a mechanical one.
Helen sees it and screams.)

(Cut to Jane shaking Helen.)

Jane: Dammit, Helen! Where the Hell will you go? Where in this whole,
wide world will you go to in order to find Daria's brain?

Announcer: However, will MoJoJoJo get more than he bargained for?

(Cut to a scene in Townsville where the Powerpuff Girls are losing badly
to the Deathbot robot. Jane is watching all this when she notices the

Jane: Daria! Guess what time it is!

(The Deathbot robot suddenly pauses, goes to a Jumbotron screen in the
middle of town, whacks the side of it, and we now see "Sick, Sad World"
on the Jumbotron. We see a shot of a miko, or Shinto priestess, undoing
the obi, or sash of her hakama, or loose-fitting trousers, then a fast cut
to her back as she drops the top of her robes.)

SSW Announcer: By day, they perform the sacred rituals of Shinto; by
night, they take it off, all off, at the Ginza! Stripteasing miko, coming
up next on "Sick, Sad World"!

Blossom: What the--?

Bubbles: What is with this robot?

Buttercup: Hey! Aren't you going to fight us?

Deathbot: No, I'm going to go to Tahiti and order some coconut daiquiris.

Announcer: It's all happening on the next all-new episode of "The
Powerpuff Girls"! Wednesday nights at 8:00 PM Eastern, 7:00 PM Central,
only on Cartoon Network!

(Another commercial. We see a man banging a gong marked with the phrase
"A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise." We now see some martial artists karate
chop each other to the tune of "Kung Fu Fighting".)

Announcer: On the next edition of "Karate Chop Theater", it's "Hong Kong
Karate Madness"! It's two straight hours of nothing but ultra-violent,
ultra fast martial arts action that makes "Street Fighter" look like
sandlot baseball!

(Show a scene where we see a street in Hong Kong filled with karate

Fighter # 1: HIIIIYYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH! (He kicks the head off of his
opponent, spurting blood everywhere.)

Fighter # 2: YEEEAHHHH! (He elbows his opponent in the testicles.)

(Suddenly, the Chinese People's Liberation Army arrives in tanks, Humvees,

Soldier: Stop this now, or you will all face trial in Beijing and be

(The fighters stop what they're doing and now pursue the People's
Liberation Army. The People's Liberation Army flees in terror.)

Fighter # 3: Mind your own business, you Red idiots!

Announcer: That's all happening in "Hong Kong Karate Madness"! It's
our next film on "Karate Chop Theater"! Saturdays at 3:00 PM Eastern,
2:00 PM Central, only on this station!




Scene 1: Pizza King, 3:30 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening
synthesizer riffs from "New" by No Doubt.


(Daria and Jane are seen eating pizza.)

Jane: So, let me get this straight now. The head custodian is convinced
it was either an inside job or a disgruntled ex-employee who stole your

Daria: Yes, but as far as I know, I've never made any enemies with the
custodial staff.

Jane: You're right. This case is getting stranger by the minute.

(We now see Molly Andrews, the girl Daria and Jane saved from being beaten
up in the poem "A Girl Like Me", enter the pizzeria. She's about as tall
as Daria was at her age, with auburn hair, glasses, a black T-shirt, a red
skirt, red socks and black sneakers.)

Molly: Yo, Daria, Jane!

Jane: Yo! (Smirks sinisterly.)

Daria: Hi, Molly.

Molly: (Noticing Daria.) Daria, you look down in the dumps.

Daria: Not more than usual.

Jane: Someone stole her boots from her gym locker yesterday.

(Daria gives Jane an icy stare.)

Daria: You may not live the rest of this day, Lane.

(Molly snickers over that.)

Molly: Who would want to steal your boots?

Jane: I'm afraid you're a bit too young to know what type of person may
have done that. (Smirks sinisterly again.)

Daria: This coming from someone who's admitted she's been sneaking her
mother's copies of "Playgirl" since she was thirteen. (24)

(We now see Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club enter.)

Quinn: There you are, Daria. (Noticing Molly.) Say, who's the girl

Daria: Oh, that's just my friend Molly; Jane and I saved her from some
bullies a while back. Molly, that's my cousin, Quinn.

Quinn: (Practically shrieks.) DARIA!

Daria: Now you know how it felt for me all these years. (Molly and Jane
smirk sinisterly.) Actually, Quinn's my kid sister, Molly.

Molly: I kind of figured that; the shriek gave that away.

Daria: Those are her friends in the Fashion Club, of which Quinn is
Vice-President; President Candy Kaine, Secretary/Treasurer Brittany
Taylor, and Co-Ordinating Officer Tiffany Woo.

Candy: On behalf of the Fashion Club, nice to meet you. (She extends her
hand to Molly.) Hey, I won't bite, unlike Sandi did.

Molly: Who's Sandi?

Daria: I'll tell you that later on.

(Molly and Candy shake hands. Cut to the outside, where we see Sandi
walking past. She pauses to look, sighs, and goes on.)

Sandi: Why did I mess up my life like I did? I know Daria and Stacy
forgave me, (25) but unless Quinn and the others in the Fashion Club
forgive me, I can never find true happiness. (She turns away, trying to
hide the fact that she's crying. Suddenly, she bumps into someone. It
turns out to be Evan, the track and field star Jane had befriended in "See
Jane Run".)

Evan: Hey, you're Sandi Griffin!

Sandi: Uh, I got to go now.

(She tries to walk away. Evan, however, stops her.)

Evan: Hey, wait! You know, I've heard a lot about you.

Sandi: You have?

Evan: You know, I was a lot like you once. When Jane Lane joined the
school track team, I was such a big-headed guy. I felt angry when I
thought Jane used me after she quit the team. But then I began to realize
that she had a point. Getting exempt from taking tests because I was a
jock wasn't right. I finally quit the team myself. Now I've joined this
new track team St. Luke's Lutheran Church put together. You know, kind of
like the CYO, sort of.

Sandi: Hey, my folks go to that church. Or at least they did.

Evan: We're not part of the high school athletic conference; we're
independent teams sponsored by local businesses, civic groups and places
of worship. You know, you could make a good addition to the girls' team.

Sandi: Huh?

Evan: The Lawndale Bakery 5K Women's Run is coming up, and we could use
someone like you as our team's official entry in the race. (26)

Sandi: But I don't have the experience. Besides, those running outfits
are kind of tacky. And wouldn't Jane Lane be a better contestant?

Evan: Well, those hot new ones the women have been wearing at the
Olympics are getting down to this level now. Besides, I could be your
mentor, if you know what I mean. Sandi, I've had my eye on you for some
time now. However, I never had the chance to approach you until now. I
know you've been through a lot lately. But I want to give you the chance
to heal. I don't know how I can say this without making myself feel like
a fool, but I love you, Sandi.

Sandi: (Tears welling up in her eyes.) You--you really mean it?

Evan: Yes.

Sandi: No one's ever said anything this nice to me in a long time. (She
hugs Evan, and cries a bit. Evan wipes her tears away, then kisses her.)

Evan: So, you want to join the team or what?

Sandi: Count me in.

Evan: Great! Our next practice will be this Saturday at 9:00 AM. (He
now takes out a picture of a female track athlete; she's wearing a sky
blue bikini-style running outfit.) By the way, that's what our girl's
uniform looks like.

Sandi: (Looking at the picture.) Stylish. Hey, thanks, Evan. I'll
see you Saturday, then. (She waves good-bye at him, then walks down the
street with new confidence.) Look out world, there's a new Sandra Elaine
Griffin in town! (27)

(Cut back to the inside of the pizzeria. Daria, Jane and Molly are still
taking to the Fashion Club.)

Quinn: Daria, we're going to make an emergency trip to Cranberry Commons.
Want me to pick up a new pair of boots for you?

Daria: (Sighs.) It's not just the same.

Quinn: Daria, face the facts, your boots are gone! You're not going to
get them back!

Daria: I never told anyone this, Quinn, but on the outside hem of each
boot is a little brass plate with my name and owner's serial number on
them. That was a special deal the company that made the boots had. If
they ever were stolen, that serial number could be helpful in getting them

(Quinn is surprised. She never thought of that before.)

Quinn: So, why not tell the police?

Jane: They're too busy trying to bust the kids who steal $150 sneakers.

Daria: And following up on all the allegations Ms. Li makes about most of
the students and faculty.

Molly: And all the punks who steal candy from babies.

(Candy, Tiffany and Brittany actually chuckle over this. Quinn rolls her

Quinn: Daria, you really need some help. If you ever change your mind,
let me know. We gotta run now. (She and the other Fashion Club members
leave. They run into Sandi and notice she's happy.) Why, Sandi! This is
a surprise. Why are you so happy?

Sandi: Oh, I just am, Quinn. You know, I never got a chance to apologize
to you and the other members of the Fashion Club for the way I acted
these past few months.

Quinn: Oh, perish the thought, Sandi. You just weren't in your right

Candy: If you continue making the progress you've been making, we might
even reinstate you. You could be our fashion reporter and write articles
for the"Lawndale Lowdown".

Quinn: You know, back in Highland, Daria was the fashion editor for the
school newspaper there.

(Everyone goes wide-eyed over that revelation.)

Sandi: Really, Quinn? Why didn't you tell us this in the first place?
We could have used her for something like this.

Quinn: Well, no one ever bothered to ask me, or her, for that matter.
Besides, I don't think it's her cup of tea, anyway.

Candy: To each her own, Quinn. Well, time to hit the mall. Care to
join us, Sandi, for old time's sake?

Sandi: Nah, I gotta do a term paper. Maybe next time.

Quinn: Sure. Bye, Sandi. (She and the other Fashion Club members

Sandi: Maybe there is hope for me yet.

(Fast cut back to inside the pizzeria. Daria, Jane and Molly have seen
what just happened.)

Daria: Is it me, or has everyone been acting strangely lately?

Jane: I think they put acid in the water here, Daria.

Molly: Man, that would be a trip.

(Daria and Jane groan, kind of sounding like that jeering note they play
at the end of every bad pun on "Bullwinkle".)


Scene 2: The Rathskeller, Main Street, Lawndale, 5:00 PM Wednesday.
Background music: the opening synthesizer section of "Acid 8000" by
Fatboy Slim.


(We see the interior of the Rathskeller for the first time. It's a stone
bar that's dimly lit, with stools covered in rococo leather. Mr.
DeMartino is seen getting drunk on beer. The bartender, a tall, fat,
muscular balding guy with a mustache, is looking at him, and shaking his

DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) More BEER, please!

Bartender: Tony, I think you've had enough.

DeMartino: Who SAYS I've had ENOUGH!

(The bartender flinches. We now see Jake enter the bar.)

Jake: Hey, guys, Jakey's here! (Silence. He now notices DeMartino.)
Hey, I remember you! You're the girl's social studies teacher! (He sits
next to him.) You remember me, Jake, Morgendorffer, right? We met at
Jim's Paintball Jungle. (28) My daughters Daria and Quinn have you in
your class.

DeMartino: Oh yes, I remember YOU now! (He pauses to calm down.) We had
talked about our dads putting us in military school.

Jake: Yeah, my Dad put in Buxton Ridge. (29)

DeMartino: Mine put me in LaSalle Military Academy in Oakdale, New York.
A roommate of mine was Pat Harrington. (30)

Jake: Really? You were roommates with Schneider? I always did like him.
"Always remember and never forget. . ."

DeMartino: "Beware of Romanians bearing gifts."

Jake: "I thought it was Greeks."

DeMartino: "Greeks, Romanians, Hungarians, any of those nations where the
men dance together!" (31)

(They now both laugh.)

Jake: I wonder what happened to the cast of that show?

DeMartino: Other than Valerie Bertinelli getting lucky and landing that
Eddie Van Halen guy, I don't know. Maybe they fell off the face of the
earth, along with Ike Turner.

Jake: A beer for me, please!

DeMartino: Put it on my bill!

Bartender: Why not stick it on your tab? You're one of the few good
customers who always pays up weekly.

DeMartino: Nah, this is too special. I'm paying for all this when I'm
done, and I mean it!

Bartender: Suit yourself.

Jake: I know the missus is waiting for me back home, but I think I can
blow some time here. Odds are she's going to be late at the law firm
again and we'll have to nuke something up.


Scene 3: The kitchen at the Morgendorffer residence, 5:30 PM Wednesday.
Background music: the opening notes of the solo saxophone version of
"Theme from 'One Day at a Time'" that played during the closing credits.


(Daria goes to the refrigerator and sees a note attached to it. Quinn is
right behind her.)

Daria: It looks like every man for himself for dinner again, Quinn.
Mom's going to be late at the law firm, so she says to microwave some
frozen dinners that are in the fridge.

Quinn: What's in there?

Daria: (Opening the refrigerator to take a look.) Let's see, there's
fried chicken, fish and chips, salisbury steak, meatloaf, chicken
parmagiana, fettucini and chicken, Swedish meatballs and lasagna.

Quinn: I am getting sick and tired of lasagna!

Daria: Tell me about it. I think it caused the nightmare I had last

Quinn: Nightmare?

Daria: It featured a gigantic Nancy Sinatra wearing my boots stomping on
me like an ant.

Quinn: Maybe your conscience is telling you to give up looking for your

Daria: Quinn, I don't have a conscience. (32)

Quinn: (Giggling.) Come on, Daria, you do. If you didn't, you would
have kept the scene about my pores in that film you made about me.

Daria: That I later restored when I submitted it to that "Sick, Sad
World" contest? (33)

Quinn: EWWWWW!

(Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile again.)

Daria: Now that I've got that out of the way, what do you feel like

Quinn: I'm just gonna have a salad. Gotta watch my figure, you know.

Daria: I don't have a figure to worry about, so I'm going to have the

(The doorbell sounds.)

Quinn: I've got it, Daria! (She goes to the door and opens it. We see
Molly, with black-and-blue marks all over her.)

Molly: (Sniffing a bit.) Is Daria home? I really need to talk to her.

Quinn: (Appalled at seeing Molly like this.) What happened to you?

Molly: I'd rather tell Daria about it.

Quinn: OK, OK, hold on. (To Daria.) Daria, that little girl you know
wants to talk to you.

(Daria now approaches Molly. She gasps when she sees the shape Molly is

Daria: Molly, what happened to you?

Molly: My Daddy beat me up--for no reason! (She begins to cry. Daria
kneels down to her and hugs her.)

Daria: It's all right. You're safe here. No one's going to hurt you.
Does your Mom know where you are?

Molly: Mommy ran out after she saw what happened. I ran away myself,
after my Daddy left me in my room.

Daria: Don't you have any relatives nearby?

Molly: All my relatives are back on Long Island. We moved to here two
years ago. Please, Daria, can't I spend the night with you?

Daria: I don't know. I have to see what my parents think.

(We now suddenly see Helen enter the house, wearing a green
pantsuit. [34])

Helen: Girls, I'm home. (She sees Molly.) Oh, my God! What happened
to you?

Molly: My Daddy beat me up! (She cries again.)

Helen: Daria, who is this person?

Daria: It's my friend, Molly. I saved her from some hoodlums who were
beating her up.

Helen: (To Molly.) Why did your Daddy do this to you?

Molly: He was drunk, that's why!

Helen: Don't worry, you're safe here. You can spend the night here if
you want.

Molly: Thank you. (She sniffs a bit.)

Helen: Has anyone seen Dad around?

Quinn: I haven't; I just returned from an emergency trip to Cranberry
Commons along with the rest of the Fashion Club.

Daria: I came home before Quinn, and I haven't seen him around.

Helen: God, he's probably hanging around at the God-awful Rathskeller
again! I'll be right back.

(She departs, muttering something inaudible to herself.)

Daria: Feel like having a frozen meal for dinner?

Molly: Right now, that's worth a lot more to me than anything else in the

Quinn: Daria, let me go to your room and get out that sleeping bag you
keep for when Jane comes over for your Friday night sleepover.
(She goes.)

Daria: While you're at it, go to the attic and see if I still have my old
bedclothes from when I was eight. That was when I began wearing a T-shirt
and shorts to bed.

Quinn: Right. (Heads up the stairs.)

Daria: Molly, I can understand what you're going through. Something
terrible happened to me when I was younger.

Molly: What was that?

Daria: When I was living in Highland, this hoodlum named Todd kidnapped
me and sexually abused me. (35) It was a whole week of Hell for me. I
still have nightmares over it.

Molly: I didn't realize that about you, Daria.

Daria: Molly, no one deserves what happened to you, or to me. People
like us have got to stick together. That's what Amy says to me all the

Molly: Who's Amy?

Daria: Amy Barksdale's my aunt. One of these days, you should meet her.
She writes a column for an alternative women's magazine called "Women's
Real Issues" and is often a guest panelist on the PBS news program "To the
Contrary". (36) She once saved me from being beaten up from punks when I
was your age.

(Quinn comes down the stairs.)

Quinn: Everything's all set upstairs, Daria.

Daria: Good. Let's eat dinner, huh?

(Daria gently pats Molly on the cheek. Molly grins a little, at
least.) (37)


Scene 4: The Rathskeller, 5:45 PM. Background music: the opening guitar
riffs from "I Drink Alone" by George Thorogood and the Delaware


(Jake and DeMartino are pretty crocked by now, laughing like fools.)

Jake: Yeah, but we got our revenge when we ran the commandant's boxers up
the flagpole during our spring break in my junior year! (Laughs out

(We now see someone enter the bar whom fans of "Beavis and Butt-Head"
would immediately recognize: Highland High School science teacher Mr.
Buzzcut. He goes up to the bar.)

Buzzcut: Bartender, a beer, and make it on the double!

(The bartender flinches in fear and proceeds to pour the beer.)

DeMartino: Hey, he's got a stick up his ass! (Another drunken laugh.)

Buzzcut: What did you just say to me, you maggot? (Notices Jake.) Well,
well, well, if it isn't Jake Morgendorffer. I was wondering what happened
to you and the rest of your loser family since you moved out of Highland.

Jake: And for good reason. You were obnoxious as Hell.

Buzzcut: Your two daughters were a big pain in the neck to me, especially
your older one, Daria. I could never figure out why those two dolts
Beavis and Butt-Head liked them so much.

DeMartino: Beavis and Butt-Head? Who the Hell were they?

Jake: You should know them, Tony. You sent Ms. Barch and Ami Mizuno
after them when they kidnapped my daughter. (38)

Buzzcut: Then, of course, she laughed along with the rest of the class
the day I told those two not to laugh during a lecture on sex I was
giving! (39)

Jake: She actually laughed?

Buzzcut: Yes, she did. God, why did they have to have my Marine Corps
battalion reunion in this dump?

Jake: God, I hate the military. My father put me in military school, the
BASTARD! (He throws his glass to the floor; it breaks and scatters all
over the place.)

Bartender: Hey, watch it!

Buzzcut: You making fun of our boys and girls in uniform, Mr.

DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out again.) I hated every

Buzzcut: Maybe you should have put your daughters in there; it would have
straightened them out.

Jake: No way! I don't want them going through what I did! I'm not going
back there--ever! (40)


Buzzcut: You are yellow, Jake Morgendorffer!

(Jake loses it, and punches out Buzzcut. DeMartino joins him in beating
the crap out of him. We now see Helen entering the bar.)

Helen: Jakey! What the Hell is going on here?

(Two burly bouncers now approach and grab Jake, DeMartino and Buzzcut.)

Bouncer # 1: All right, youse guys! Time to call it a night!

Bouncer # 2: Yeah, and don't come back for awhiles!

Helen: Jake, you'd better have a good explanation for this!

Jake: Yeah--HIC!--I do--HIC!--Honey! HIC! HIC! HIC! HIC!

(Helen leaves with the bouncers, Jake, DeMartino and Buzzcut.)


Scene 5: Daria's bedroom, 12:30 AM Thursday. Background music: the
opening guitar riffs from "Enter Sandman" by Metalica.


(Daria and Molly are asleep. Daria is sleeping in her bed, while Molly is
sleeping in the sleeping bag Daria has for when Jane spends the night.
Molly is tossing and turning.)

Molly: No, Daddy, stop! You're hurting me!

(She wakes with a scream. Daria gets up, turns on the light, and goes to

Daria: Molly! Molly! It's all right! You're having a nightmare!

(Molly now wakes up and cries. Daria hugs her. We see Jake, Helen and
Quinn run into the room. Jake is wearing a pair of light blue pajamas,
while Helen is wearing a pink nightgown and Quinn is wearing her yellow
nightshirt with a bunny on it.)

Helen: Daria, is everything all right?

Daria: Molly had a nightmare.

Helen: (Approaching Molly.) Was it about your Dad?

Molly: (Sniffs a bit.) Yeah.

Daria: It's OK, Molly. You're safe.

Quinn: Molly, why does your Dad beat you up?

Molly: He's drunk almost every night; he's been that way since he got
laid off. (41)

Helen: Something's got to be done about this. I'm going to go to see
that Judge Feeder person about perhaps letting us take you in
temporarily. (42)

Molly: Thanks. I'm going to be all right now.

Jake: Good night, Molly, kiddo.

(Jake, Helen and Quinn now leave the room.)

Molly: Daria, can I sleep with you in your bed for the rest of the night?
I'm scared.

Daria: Yeah, sure. (Daria climbs back into bed, with Molly following
her.) It's only been a while since I could climb back into bed without
that limp causing me pain. (43)

(Molly snuggles next to Daria, who begins to stroke her hair.)

Molly: Daria, I only wish I was as brave as you are.

Daria: Molly, I'm not exactly fearless. There are things that scare me.

Molly: Like what?

Daria: Seeing my friends get hurt. If anything ever happened to Jane,
Trent, Amy, or even you, I don't know how I could handle it.

Molly: Daria, are you afraid of what could happen to me?

Daria: I have nightmares myself at times; mainly about when Todd
kidnapped me and when Sandi attacked me.

Molly: Daria, do you cry?

Daria: I cried when I saw Trent after I woke up from my coma; (44) I also
cried when I saw my friend David McAllister being blown up for no other
reason at all other than that he was a Special Education student who
somehow lucked out and won the race for Student Government President. (45)

Molly: Daria, I'm so afraid! (She begins to cry again. Daria hugs her.)

Daria: You know, generally I don't like kids. (46) However, you're an
exception. You remind me of myself when I was your age. You can stand up
and fight for yourself. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'll ask my Mom
if she can speak to your teacher about spending time with me at my school
tomorrow. We're going to have a special class about self-defense in gym.
Want to join me on that?

Molly: Sure. (Grins a little.)

Daria: OK. (Smirks her Mona Lisa smile.) Might as well go to sleep now.
(Turns out the light.) Night, Molly.

Molly: Night, Daria. And--

Daria: Yes?

Molly: I like you; you're my best friend in the world.

(They fall asleep.)


Scene 6: Somewhere on Dega Street, Lawndale, 1:15 AM Thursday.
Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Aqualung" by Jethro
Tull. Play the music through the end of the opening verse ("Sitting on a
park bench").


(We see the ragged-looking homeless person who was lying on the sidewalk
that the Fashion Club walked over in "The Old and the Beautiful"
rummaging through a dumpster. He sees something rather unusual in there.
He pulls it out, and we see that it's Daria's boots. He takes off the
shot pair of shoes that he has and puts them on. Suddenly, a bright light
is shone on his face. Cut to a pair of Lawndale police officers in a
squad car, shining a light on him!)

Officer # 1: Hey, you! Beat it!

(The homeless person runs for it. He suddenly trips over someone. The
person strongly resembles Aqualung himself.)

Aqualung: Blimey! Watch where you're going!

Homeless Man: Sorry! (He gets up and runs again.)

(The officers are right behind him. Off-camera sound of someone being
tackled to the ground.)

Officer # 2: (Off-camera.) You're under arrest for loitering and
illegally rifling a dumpster!


Scene 7: The Lawndale Jail, (47) 1:30 AM Thursday.


(We see the homeless man in a jail cell now, the boots he was wearing have
been confiscated. Cut to the front desk, as the officers are looking over
the boots. Officer # 1 notices something.)

Officer # 1: Hey, there's a little brass plate on these boots! They say
that they belong to Daria Morgendorffer.

Officer # 2: Say, isn't she that "Misery Chick" who lives over on Glen
Oaks Lane?

Officer # 1: Yeah, I think so.

Officer # 2: I think during tomorrow night, when we're on our next shift,
we'll stop by and give them to her.

Officer # 1: Yeah, let's do that. I bet she's awfully worried about


Scene 8: A sidewalk somewhere in Lawndale, 7:15 AM Thursday. Background
music: the piano bridge from "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with
Money in My Hand" by the Primitive Radio Gods.


(Daria, Jane and Molly are walking down the sidewalk. Daria is seen
wearing the black T-shirt and jeans combo she wore in "The Road Worrier"
along with the brown B&B boots, while Molly is wearing a white T-shirt, a
red skirt, white socks and black sneakers. Jane is wearing something a
bit different herself, due to it being so hot near the end of the school
year: a red T-shirt, sans her usual red jacket, her usual black shorts,
sans the black pantyhose and a pair of white sneakers. )

Daria: (Depressed.) Jane, I miss my boots.

Jane: Let's face it, Daria. Unless some big break happens, you're not
going to get them back.

Molly: (Hoping to cheer Daria up a little.) I can't wait for that
martial arts class!

(Daria is still depressed. The Fashion Club now walks by, and can't help
but notice.)

Tiffany: Quinn, your sister is so depressed over losing those boots.
This is scary.

Brittany: It's like I've never seen her this depressed in my life. Of
course, she's always depressed, (Begins to twirl her finger around her
hair.) but never this depressed. It's like she might kill herself at any

Quinn: Brittany, Daria may be depressed, but she thinks suicide is for

Tiffany: I heard rumors she kept a looped belt in her closet, just in
case. (48)

Quinn: Don't be silly, Tiffany. All Daria has in there other than her
clothes is some violent poetry carved out on the interior walls with a key
that the crazy mother of the previous owners of our house had made when
she was living in there. (49)

Candy: Well, something's got to be done to cheer Daria up.

Quinn: Just give me a chance to formulate a plan, Candy.

Candy: She's your sister, Quinn. Do what you feel is best.

(We now see Sandi walking with Evan, holding hands. Sandi is actually
laughing, then we see her kiss Evan.)

Quinn: Guys, did you see that?

Candy: I see it, but I don't believe it.

Quinn: Sandi is in love with Evan? This I find hard to believe.

Tiffany: This is getting weirder by the moment, guys.

Brittany: MMMMM, maybe I ought to check my vision. I just might need
glasses like Daria does.

(Everyone looks at Brittany funny, who just shrugs. We now hear that
frantic synthesizer version of "La, la, la, LAAAA, la, la, la, la,
LAAAAA, la!" as we see a widescreen version of the scene where the
homeless man discovers Daria's boots in a dumpster in slow-motion and in
a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)




Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", see former New York City
Mayor and now ex-judge of "The People's Court", Ed Koch, take on the
original "People's Court" judge himself--as well as the presiding judge of
the Animal Planet channel's "Animal Court"--Joseph Wapner!

(Show a clip of Koch and Wapner fighting.)

Koch: (Waving at the crowd.) How am I doing?

Wapner: Lousy, you punk! (He punches Koch in the groin.)

Announcer: Also, see Judge Judy take on Associate Supreme Court Justice
Sandra Day O'Connor!

(Show a clip of Judge Judy and O'Connor fighting.)

Judge Judy: I scarf down people like you for a midnight snack! (She
broadsides O'Connor.)

O'Connor: Oh, yeah! (She knees Judge Judy in the groin.)

Announcer: Finally, it's a tag team battle of the critics as "Today Show"
movie critic Gene Shallatt and "Chicago Tribune" movie critic Roger Ebert
take on Long Island "Newsday" TV critic Marvin Kitman and Jeffrey Lyons,
the film critic for New York City's WB Network affiliate, WPIX-TV!

(Show the Shallatt/Ebert team fighting the Kitman/Lyons team.)

Kitman: I'm not ashamed to admit I like "Bullwinkle"! (Knees Ebert.)

Ebert: Oh, yeah? I gave "Thumbs Up" to BOTH "Akira" AND
"Ghost in the Shell"! (Punches Kitman out.)

Shallatt: You two-bit imitation of me! (Tweaks Lyons' nose.)

Lyons: Oh, yeah? (Tugs at Shallatt's mustache.)

Announcer: That's all happening on the next all-new episode of "Celebrity
Deathmatch"! Thursday nights at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only
on MTV!

(Another commercial. It's in black-and-white and looks like one of those
1930's gangster movies. We see someone walking down the street. The
caption below him says "'Parched Face' Simone". He's going to his car
when all of a sudden, we see Daria approach him.)

Daria: Parched Face, my employer has a message for you.

Parched Face: Yeah, whats does he wants?

Daria: This! (Suddenly, she whips out a can of Citra(r) soda. "Parched
Face" cringes in fear.)


(Daria opens the can and forces open the mouth of "Parched Face". She
makes him drink the soda. For good measure, she kicks him in the
testicles, sending him howling.)

Announcer: Watch out, thirst! There's a new soda in town, and it has
your name written all over it! Curiously crisp Citra(r) soda. No thirst
is safe!

Daria: (Turning to "Parched Face" as she walks away.) Just be lucky I
didn't stick a horse's head in your bed--this time!




Scene 1: Lawndale High Gym, 11:30 PM Thursday. Background music: the
opening guitar riffs from "Lakini's Juice" by Live.


(The girls' gym class is about to get underway. Daria, Jane, Stacy,
Tiffany, Brittany, Sandi, Candy, Andrea, Jodie, the cheerleader who
smacked Upchuck are all here, as well as Molly. Ms. Morris is here, along
with Ms. Barch in her karate uniform. Also here is a good-looking man
with brown hair and brown eyes, also in a karate uniform.)

Morris: OK, class. I've arranged for Darian Kenwood from the Lawndale
Martial Arts School to be here today, as well as our own Ms. Barch, to
teach you some basic self-defense skills.

Darian: Hi, ladies.

Stacy: (Gushing.) Man, isn't he so cute!

Daria: (To Jane.) Well, I guess there are some things that won't change
with her.

Jane: Hey, cut her some slack, Daria. We were there for her when she was
fighting bulimia. (50)

Barch: All right, ladies, let's begin. Rule number one of any
self-defense training is that all men are scum!

Darian: Actually, it is to use your opponent's strength against him.

Barch: Who asked you, you man? (Darian scowls.)

Molly: This is going to be interesting.

Daria: Yeah, it should. (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile.)

Barch: The first thing we're going to learn is to go for the knockout
blow right away! And, of course, the best way to do that is--THIS!

(She kicks Darian in the testicles. Darian howls in pain.)

Jane: I'm beginning to like this class already! (Smirks sinisterly.)

Barch: All right, ladies, now do exactly like I did! (Darian grimaces as
the class lines up. He screams "AAAAAAA!" and runs away.) I'll be right
back, ladies. It seems typical for men to turn tail when their bravado is
exposed for being as worthless as it is. If worst comes to worst, I'll
bring Mack back here. (Leaves the gym.)

Morris: Well, that was interesting. In the meantime, I can show you a
few basic maneuvers.

Daria: Dammit, and I wanted so bad to kick that guy in the balls!

Jane: You may get your chance soon enough. (Smirks sinisterly.)

(We now see Ray enter the gym.)

Ray: Daria? I think I might have the break we've been looking for.

Daria: Really?

Ray: Meet me at my office after this class lets out and I'll show you.

(Daria gives a puzzled look to Jane, who just shrugs her shoulders.)


Scene 2: Somewhere along Glen Oaks Lane, 12:00 PM Thursday. Background
music: the opening guitar riffs from "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz.


(The officers who had apprehended the homeless man from Act 2, Scene 6 are
seen driving down the street toward the Morgendorffers' house.
Officer # 1 is at the wheel while Officer # 2 has a box with Daria's boots
in them.)

Officer # 1: It's a good thing we decided to try and see if someone's
home at the Morgendorffer place before we tried the school.

Officer # 2: Yeah, probably someone's there. Maybe they've got a maid or
a butler. (They now pull up to the house.) They seem to live in a fancy
enough house.

(They get out of the cruiser and go to the door. Officer # 1 rings the
doorbell. No answer. But, by some strange coincidence, Jake's Lexus(tm)
can be seen heading from the opposite direction. He stops at the side of
the road, gets out of the car, and approaches the officers.)

Jake: (Accusingly.) What are you coppers doing here?

Officer # 1: We can explain, if you just calm down.

Jake: Dammit, it's about all those unpaid traffic tickets on the
refrigerator door, isn't it? (51)

Officer # 2: Huh?

Jake: Well, I'll show you! (He goes to the front door, unlocks it, and
goes inside. The puzzled officers follow him in as Jake grabs the tickets
off the refrigerator door, then goes to his jacket, takes out his checkbook, sits
down at the kitchen table, adds up the tickets, and writes a check for the
tickets.) I had taken some time off from my business to take care of some
matters, and I do intend to take this to City Hall and give it to the City
Clerk in person! You can't touch me now, coppers! YOU HEAR ME?
YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! (Laughs maniacally.)

Officer # 1: Mr. Morgendorffer, we weren't here for the tickets. We were
here because we found your daughter Daria's boots in the possession of a
homeless person last night.

Jake: (Realizing what an idiot he's become.) Dammit, why didn't you say
that in the first place?

Officer # 2: We were, but you jumped to conclusions before we could

Officer # 1: Can we arrest him for the unpaid tickets?

Officer # 2: Well, we saw him cut the check, and he made a good faith
promise to stop by City Hall and pay them. Therefore, we can't touch him.

Officer # 1: Aw, man! How am I gonna meet my monthly quota?

Officer # 2: We could hang around the City Park and hassle litterers.

Officer # 1: (Brightening up at that.) Yeah, that's the ticket! No pun
intended, of course.

Officer # 2: Here's your daughter's boots. (Hands the box to Jake. He
opens them.)

Jake: Yeah, they're my kiddo's boots, all right.

Both Officers: "Kiddo"?

Jake: (Blushing with embarrassment.) Well, it's a long story.

Officer # 1: Take some advice from me, huh? Lighten up! You'll live

Jake: My kiddo's going to be so happy to have these boots back.

Officer # 2: Whatever. (Aside to Officer # 1.) Let's get out of here
before he causes us to go nuts!

Officer # 1: Right. (To Jake.) Have a nice day, Sir.

(The officers depart.)

Jake: Daria is going to be so happy about this! I think I'll drive up to
the school and give them to her.


Scene 3: The hallway at Lawndale High, 12:30 PM Thursday. Background
music: the opening horns from "Army" by Ben Folds Five.


(Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club are gathered at Quinn's

Candy: So, Quinn, how are you going to cheer up Daria?

Quinn: It's all right in here. (She opens the locker. Point of view
from the inside of the locker. Everyone looks in. Tiffany has a look of
shock on her face.)

Tiffany: Quinn, you wouldn't!

Quinn: I've done it before. Just give me a few minutes inside the
ladies' room.


Scene 4: The ladies' room at Lawndale High. 12:33 PM Thursday.
Background music: "We Do, Wie Du" from The Monks plays throughout this


(We see Quinn enter with a canvas bag. She pauses at a sink and washes
off her makeup. She now enters a bathroom stall with the bag. Cut to
the floor as we see her toss her shoes and jeans there. Cut to her
straightening the hem of what looks like a skirt. Cut to the floor again
as we now see her smiley-face T-shirt tossed there. Cut to her zipping up
a jacket. Cut now to her putting on the pair of reading glasses she keeps
at her bedstead. [52] Pan cut of Quinn from her feet to her head as we
see what she's done. She's dressed up as Daria, with the boots, skirt,
jacket, T-shirt and even the glasses. Quinn goes to a mirror.)

Quinn: (Trying to affect Daria's deadbeat monotone voice.) Hi. I'm
Quinn. Go to Hell. Perfect. (Smirks a little Mona Lisa smile just like
Daria does.) If this doesn't snap Daria out of it, I don't know what

(We now see the rest of the Fashion Club enter the room. Tiffany lets out
a gasp.)

Tiffany: Quinn, you didn't! That's how you were dressed for the Fashion
Club's "Fashion Don'ts Costume Gala"! (53)

Quinn: Tiffany, if we're going to get Daria back to her old self, we've
got to give her a shock to the system!

Candy: I think it just might work. (Smiles and gives a "thumbs-up" to


Scene 5: Head custodian's office, Lawndale High, 12:45 PM Thursday.
Background music: the opening synthesizer riffs from "I Can't Help
Falling in Love with You" by UB40.


(We see Ray's office again. We see a bank of TV screens in one area. Ray
and Daria are watching something.)

Ray: I overlooked this at first, but now it makes sense. This was taken
a couple of weeks ago. About Noon or so, someone entered the main
custodial supply room and took a pair of clippers. I remember that was
the same day I fired someone due to doing a sloppy job mopping up the
cafeteria. He refused to do it over again, so I canned him.

Daria: So, you're saying that he took a pair of clippers and stole my
boots in order to get even with your firing him?

Ray: Yeah, I think so. And, as I said before, Ms. Li wasn't on the level
at the assembly. There's been a rash of thefts in the school since this
person was fired. She hadn't acknowledged anything until your boots had
been stolen. (He produces some papers.) Let's see--Mr. O'Neill said that
his lava lamp was lifted. (54) Nurse Chase said a supply of hypodermic
needles was stolen from her office. The cafeteria said that a whole
week's supply of chickens was heisted. All the same MO: The lock was

Daria: And odds are, the guy's going to strike again.

Ray: The only questions are: Where and when?


Scene 6: The hallway, 1:00 PM Thursday.


(Daria, Jane and Molly are seen going down the hall.)

Jane: So, all we have to do is catch the suspect in the act and we can
get your boots back.

Daria: Ray and I figured out something. The suspect's been using a
pattern. He seems to be going around the building in a counterclockwise
circle. If the patters fits, the next target will be. . .

Jane: Ms. Li's office. But that place is more secure than Fort Knox.

Daria: Don't worry; Ray assures me he's got a plan.

Jane: Famous last words. . .

(We now see a sudden look of shock on Daria's face.)

Daria: Oh, my God. . .

Jane: Daria, what is it?

Daria: Look for yourself.

(Jane looks, and her jaw drops. Cut to a shot of the Daria-fied Quinn.)

Quinn: Hi, Sis. If you don't mind, I got to go to the library and study
a bit. I might also call Trent and ask him if I can go to the Mystik
Spiral concert this Saturday night. Gotta go! (She turns to go.)

Daria: Quinn, wait! (She runs up to her.) Quinn, what Hell are you

Quinn: I'm trying to snap you out of your doldrums, that's what. You've
been moping around ever since your boots got stolen.

Daria: Quinn, this isn't about vanity. This is about my self-identity,
how I feel about myself.

Jane: Methinks I'm going to have to deal with the talking toilet again
before this is over. (55)

(We now see Jake approach his daughters from behind.)

Jake: There you are, kiddo! Guess what the police found for you! Your
boots! (He now notices something funny.) Uh, Daria, when did you lighten
your hair?

(Quinn now turns around, blushing with embarrassment.)

Quinn: (Shrieking.) DAD, IT'S ME, QUINN!!!!!

(Jake flinches.)

Jake: OOPS!

Daria: Now I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom. (She goes, but Jane
collars her.)

Jane: Not so fast there, kemosabe. First you gotta get your boots back.

Jake: Here you go, kiddo.

(He hands the box to Daria, who opens it. She sees that it is indeed the
boots. That Mona Lisa smile creeps up on her face now.)

Daria: How did they manage to find them?

Jake: The cops said they found some homeless man with them.

Daria: I think the homeless man is innocent. We think we know who did
it, and why.

Jake: Huh?

Daria: No time to explain. Come on, everyone. We've got to go to Ms.
Li's office.

(Daria leads the way, with the others following her.)


Scene 7: Ms. Li's office, 1:10 PM Thursday. Background music: the
charging guitar bridge from "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by the Smashing


(We now see Ms. Li at her desk. Suddenly, we see someone enter. He's a
scruffy man with brown hair, green eyes, and wearing a red T-shirt, jeans
and workman's boots.)

Li: Who's there? (She looks up, then gasps.) It's you!

Man: Yeah, it's me. Bet you didn't tell the class about my little string
of thefts. Don't want to upset the kiddies now, right? You've got them
so brainwashed it's appalling. Well, now I'm going to take my next item
off my list: All the security codes you keep in your desk drawer.

Li: I'd rather die than to have those fall into the wrong hands!

Man: Which ones: The students you oppress, or my buddies in the robbery
trade? (He now pulls out a gun.) We can make this easy, or we can make
this hard. You stand aside while I take this pair of clippers (He now
produces them.) and cut off the lock from your desk.

Li: If you do this, I swear to God I won't rest until you're rotting
away in jail!

Man: Make my day! (He puts his finger around the trigger. Ms. Li can
actually be seen cringing in fear. Cut to the door being opened, and we
see Daria and the others there. Looks of shock on their faces. The man
turns around and sees Ray.) YOU!

Ray: Greg, why'd you do it?

Greg: Because I wanted the whole school to pay for you firing me, that's
what! This place is run like a armed camp!

Daria: You won't get any arguments from me about that.

(Ms. Li scowls over that.)

Greg: So what better way to end my string of thefts in this place than to
heist the security codes from the commandant herself. You're going to pay
for ordering your flunky to fire me, you bitch!

Li: That was not by my orders that you were fired, mister. That was the
head custodian's decision alone.

Greg: You know what, I don't give a damn! (He now aims at Ms. Li.
Sudden cut to a rather familiar boot going into his testicles, sending him
howling as he drops the gun. Fast cut to Quinn, who's standing over him

Daria: Quinn, I can't believe this!

(Quinn takes the gun away from Greg. We now see the officers who arrested
the homeless man enter.)

Officer # 1: All right, mister, you're under arrest for multiple counts
of robbery! (He slaps the cuffs on Greg.) You have the right to remain
silent. . .(They lead him away. Daria, however, stops them to talk to

Daria: Greg, why did you take my boots?

Greg: I wanted to teach them all a lesson. I didn't know it was your

Daria: How come you gave them to some homeless man?

Greg: I threw them out in some dumpster in Dega Street. How some
homeless man got them, I don't know.

Daria: What about all the other things you stole?

Greg: They're at my apartment.

Officer # 1: OK, let's go. Should you give your right to remain
silent. . .(The officers and Greg leave.)

Li: (Recovering from her experience.) Ms. Morgendorffer, I owe you my
life. Is there anything I can do for you?

Quinn: Perhaps cutting my sister Daria and her friend Jane some slack
would be nice. I think there's the matter of how you and Mr. O'Neill
doctored their picture for the state arts competition that I don't think
you ever apologized for. (56) Then there was the rather humiliating
incident where you had Ms. Morris make them wave pom-poms after Jane quit
the track team. (57) Then you accused Daria for stealing money from the
Book Fair some time ago. (58) Need I go on?

(Ms. Li swallows hard.)

Li: (Realizing that she isn't exactly in a position to welch on her
promise.) Uh, of course, how rude of me not to have done anything like
that. (Turns to Daria and Jane.) Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane, I
formally apologize for everything I've done to you two.

Daria: Apology accepted--contingent on your stopping your efforts to
bust our chops.

Li: Of course, of course.

Jane: You're all witnesses to this now, right? (They all nod their
heads.) OK, Ms. Li, we accept. But the good people of Lawndale will be
watching. (Smirks evilly.)

Daria: I think we'll take our leave now. (She and the others depart,
leaving Ms. Li alone.

Li: (Closing her eyes and putting her hand to her forehead.) Dear God in
Heaven, what have I gotten myself into?


Scene 8: The hallway, 1:15 PM Thursday.


(Daria, Jane, Quinn, Candy, Tiffany, Brittany, Jake, Ray and Molly are
walking down the hallway.)

Daria: I can't believe you stuck your neck out for us like you did,

Quinn: Daria, I told you I'm a changed person now. After seeing you in
the hospital after Sandi's attack on you, it made me realize how rotten I
was. (59)

Jane: You should have had her apologize for her bribing Judge Reinhardt's
fixing the talent competition during Lawnda