"Daria", Season 10 Episode 4
"Brownstone, Green Eyed"
(an attempt at "Daria" fanfic, with a plot partly stolen from
Summary: After Daria barely survives her first semester in a college dorm, she and Jane
move into one floor of a house where the members of Mystik Spiral have already taken up
residence. Domestic tranquility goes out the window when Trent starts dating one of the
upstairs neighbors, who has some very familiar qualities
(Music: "So Much For The Afterglow", Everclear, the dreamy intro part.
Montage of casts senior yearbook pictures. Varsity cheerleaders/sports, graduation,
prom, etc. All is bright and sunny and nostalgic in that senior-yearbook kind of way.
Everyone is smiling, almost eerily, in those gazing-into-the-distance, airbrushed,
best-dressed senior pictures. After about 30 seconds of this junk we hit Darias
senior picture. She, of course, is not smiling, and is wearing her usual outfit. The rest
of the song kicks in. Montage of cast meeting various fates: Jodie campaigning for a
college student body president, Kevin passed out on a fraternity lawn while Brittany kicks
the crap out of him, Andrea reading tarot cards in an occult shop, Upchuck getting
rejected by a bunch of sorority girls, Trent sleeping, Mack going for a touchdown, the
stands holding up signs that say "Go Mack Daddy", Mack looking aggravated, Quinn
leading a pack of about nine admirers with Sandi glaring after her, Jane smirking
appreciatively at the male model in a life-drawing class, Ms. Barch marrying Mr.
ONeill, Ms. Barch kicking the crap out of Mr. ONeill, Daria studying,
Darias ditzy roommate and her ditzy friends, Daria putting on headphones in an
attempt to drown them out, Daria slamming her books and walking out.)
(The Morgandorffers dining room. The Morgandorffers are eating dinner, lasagna,
of course. Their outfits are no different from the "Daria" we know and love.)
Well, I told him I cant commit to a relationship now because
in another ten months Ill be off at college, and I cant be held down by
high-school relationships, because all of those fraternities will be counting
on me to set an example, and having some high-school boyfriend is not the kind of
thing a real sorority girl does! (sighs) But they just dont get it!
Helen: (quickly) --Speaking of college, Daria, how has your first semester been?
Youve been so quiet since you got back.
Daria: I havent fully recovered from the horror of my experience.
Jake: Ah yes, freshman year. I remember my freshman year
(shudders) Some things
you cant forget, no matter what those "psychiatrists" say
Helen: Jake! (to Daria) I cant believe your classes were that difficult,
Daria: It wasnt the classes. The classes were fine. It was my roommate. I think
shes majoring in intoxication, with a minor in hair and makeup science.
Quinn: (interested) They have that at your school?
Daria: (sighs) I just cant stand the dorm mentality. These people are paying
fifteen thousand dollars a year to act like idiots, and Im paying fifteen thousand a
year to be around them. I got that in high school for free. And back then I could leave at
the end of the day.
Jake: (mutters) Their parents are paying fifteen thousand dollars a year, but
does anyone care about their pain? Oh, no, of course not!
Helen: (ignoring him) Well, Daria, if you can find some rational solution for your
problem, Ill back you up on it. Providing it isnt illegal. (phone rings) Helen
Morgandorffer. Oh, hi, Eric. (launches into business chatter)
Daria: (stands up) Ill be at Janes. (leaves)
Quinn: I wonder if they offer hair and makeup science as a major, or do you have to
take something hard like liberal studies?
(Janes room. Daria and Jane are watching TV.)
Announcer: Could ordinary cooking spray unstick the secret of a slimmer new you? The
revolutionary Teflon Diet, next on Sick Sad World!
(Commercials start. Jane hits "Mute.")
Jane: Look. If its so miserable that it makes you miserable, youve
gotta get out of there.
Daria: I dont know what to do. I cant put up with them anymore
cant move back home, either. Not with Quinn in the middle of her senior year
blowout. And besides, Ive gotten used to being away from Lawndale. I feel much less
crushing despair than I used to.
Jane: (shrugging) You got a problem, my friend.
Daria: You could be a little more sympathetic.
Jane: I cant help it. I love where I am right now.
Well, not right now.
You know what I mean.
Daria: Sure. (There is a crash from outside the room. Jane gets up and opens the door.)
Jane: Trent, do you mind? Were in the middle of a crisis here.
Trent: (carrying a large box; Jesse is behind him, picking up another.) Sorry. Hey,
(As you can see, in this story progress between Daria and Trent is, as of yet,
Jane: Are you almost finished? Id like to put my stuff back on the shelves
sometime this century.
Jesse: We still have a few more loads to go. The bands stuff took a long time. It
really rattles around back there if you dont, like, pack it in.
Daria: Whats going on?
Jane: One of the guys in Mystik Spiral found an apartment in the city. Theyre all
Daria: Trents leaving home? Is it the end of the world already? (Shuts herself
up. The others laugh.)
Trent: Good one, Daria.
Daria: (smiling, of course) Thanks.
Jesse: Its an awesome building. We get the whole basement.
Jane: The basement? Last week you told me the first floor was empty.
Trent: Basements are better for the creative process.
Jane: And coincidentally, its easier to sleep all day without natural light
Trent: (shrugs) Even better.
Jane: (thinks for a moment) But the first floor is still open?
Jesse: Yeah, as far as we know.
Jane: (raises an eyebrow at Daria) Pardon me, gentlemen, my associate and I need to
have a conference.
Trent: No problem. Bye, Daria.
Daria: Bye. (The Mystiks leave with their boxes. Jane closes the door and turns to
Jane: Well, what do you think? Could you talk your parents into letting us move in?
Daria: I could. What about your parents?
Jane: Having both of their homebound children move out in the same year? My parents
would be overjoyed, as long as I dont vanish without a trace or go on a
cross-country crime spree.
Daria: Okay. But
Jane: But what?
.Im having overwhelming feelings of doubt and mistrust.
Jane: See? Youre feeling better already!
(The Morgandorffers dining room. Helen is just hanging up the phone when Daria
Helen: Hello, Daria. Have you thought of something to do about your housing problem
Daria: Janes found an apartment near school. Can I move in?
Helen: (thoughtfully) Well, it sounds like a rational idea
as long as your grades
stay up. And no parties, and dont bring home any strange men.
Daria: (rolls her eyes) Well, Mom, you know me
Helen: I guess youre right. Are Janes parents agreeing to this?
Daria: Apparently youve never met Janes parents. (thinking, voice-over:
Ive never even met Janes parents.) Theyd agree.
Helen: Well then, I think this could be a real test of character and independence! You
have my full support, honey.
(Note: Yeah, this is a bit out of character and all. But I wanted to get on with the
rest of the story.)
Daria: Thanks, Mom. What about Dad?
Helen: I think your father still thinks youre living upstairs.
Daria: Hes not giving me an allowance, is he?
ACT 2: A couple of weeks later
(Daria and Janes new apartment. It is cozy (pretty small) and in fair repair (a
few cracks in the walls here and there, nothing structural.) Daria and Jane are unloading
Darias things out of boxes. There is a knock at the door.)
Daria: Open. But dont get used to it. (The door opens. There are a few people in
the hall, not all completely visible yet. The one in the front is Heather the tour guide
from "College Bored", a couple of years older but not too much changed.)
Heather: Daria and Jane?
Heather: Hi. Were from upstairs. Just checking up on ya, you know, all that
friendly neighbor stuff. (coming into room) Im Heather.
Daria: You look familiar. Did you go to Middleton, by any chance?
Heather: Yeah. Class of 2000.
Hey, were you the one who got thrown off campus on
Heather: Wow. That was legendary for a couple of months.
I guess. Anyway, Im Daria Morgandorffer, and this is Jane
Heather: Hey. (She motions to the person behind her) While were doing
introductions, this is Jillian. (Jillian steps into the room. She is also a couple of
years older than Daria and Jane.) Shes the one who got you here.
Jillian: (explaining) Im Jesses cousin. (pauses) But dont let that
Heather: And last but not least, Dawna.
(Dawna steps into the room. She is the same age as Heather and Jillian. Her hair is on
the dark side of brown and cut a little above her shoulders. She is about 55"
tall. She is wearing a dark blue sweater, a black pleated skirt, combat boots, and
glasses. Her face is nearly expressionless.)
Dawna: Pleased to meet you. Can I go now? Ive exceeded my weekly dose of forced
Heather: (shrugs) Its your life. (to Daria and Jane) The real reason were
here, girls, is that weve been planning a housewarming party to welcome everybody.
Tomorrow night at eight.
Jane: Where is this shindig?
Heather: Your living room.
Jane: Well, in that case
Dawna: Would you rather we had it in the bands living room?
Jane: I make it a rule never to eat near where Trent keeps his stuff. You never know
where its been or how long its been there.
Heather: Okay, then. Tomorrow at eight. Happy unpacking, girls. (The three of them
leave. After a moment, Daria and Jane continue unpacking.)
Jane: Was it just me, or are you kind of freaked out too?
Daria: About what?
Jane: Never mind. (Continues unpacking.)
(Daria and Janes new living room. The furniture consists of a rather worn couch,
a TV, a strange, colorful, tilted, modern-art-like coffee table, a bookcase of
Darias, and not much else. Some of Janes paintings are on the walls. There is
assorted party food etc. on the coffee table. Daria and Jane are sitting on the couch;
Heather, Jillian, Dawna, and the members of Mystik Spiral are mingling (though rather
squished) in the rest of the room. Music: "Love Rollercoaster", Red Hot Chili
Jane: Watch the dip. (Daria catches one of the bowls as it starts to slide off the
table.) I knew Id find a use for this thing someday.
Daria: Yeah. Its our only entertainment.
Jane: We can always watch my brother and his band make fools of themselves over the
only girls theyve met in two years. (They check out the room. Jesse is talking with
Heather; we cant hear clearly what they or any of the others are saying.)
Daria: See that?
Jane: Yeah, well, hell get over her. And besides, watch them. (She looks at the
other side of the room; Daria looks too. We see Trent and Dawna in the middle of an
intense, apparently philosophical discussion.)
Daria: (shortly) So?
Jane: Oh, nothing
(She looks smug; Daria looks annoyed.)
(One of those cheesy time-passes shots, indicating that the party is over. Daria and
are still sitting on the couch.)
Daria: I guess. (They start clearing off the coffee table.) What do we do with all
Jane: See if the guys want them. Theyll eat anything free.
(She gathers up some stuff and heads off. She stops on the stairs to the Mystik Spiral
lair. Its "living room" is not all that unlike the Lanes basement, without
the washer and dryer. Music equipment is everywhere. Dawna has a guitar and is playing
some chords. Trent picks up his guitar and makes up a lead part. He is watching Dawna the
whole time and smiling. Neither of them seems to notice Daria.)
Dawna: (hits a bad note) Dammit. (tries it again) Sorry. I havent played in a
Trent: Thats okay. Its not bad, actually. (She puts the guitar down. After
Trent does the same.) You know
youre pretty cool.
Dawna: Thanks. Youre cool yourself. (Dawna sidles over to Trent and kisses him.
Trent, looking impressed, kisses her back. Daria appears in the living room looking
guardedly angry. Jane is still cleaning up.)
Jane: They didnt take it?
nothing. (She puts the stuff shes carrying on the coffee table.)
Excuse me. (She leaves. Jane watches, thoughtfully. The food slides off the coffee table
with a crash. She sighs and starts picking up. Music: the guitar snarls from "Circus
(Continuing music into scene. Darias room. Daria is at the desk, doing something
which we cant see; Jane is sitting on the bed. She has a camera around her neck.)
Jane: So, hows your first week of classes been?
Daria: Fine. Ive already started my psychology term paper, actually. And I was
rightits a lot easier dealing with morons if you dont have to share a
bathroom with them. How are yours?
Jane: Great. Ive got composition theory, advanced fiber arts, and black-and-white
photography. (Lifts the camera.) That one ought to be interesting in this house. Sort of
like an anthropological study.
Daria: If you need captions with searing comments on todays society, you know
where to ask. (pauses) Then again, maybe youd better write them yourself. I have
enough problems as it is.
Jane: Whats up with you? You havent been your usual perky self since we
Daria: Speaking of anthropological studies--Im learning the true meaning of
Jane: Would that have something to do with my brother and that girl from upstairs?
Daria: I didnt say that.
Jane: You didnt have to. If you have a problem with those two, you ought to tell
one of them about it. Dawna seems like a nice enough person
underneath. You two could
Daria: I dont have a problem with them.
Jane: Daria, I saw how you looked at them at the party two weeks ago. And every time
they show up together you find some reason to leave the room. Now, Ive known you for
a long time, for one thing, and I also know jealousy when I see it. And I think you have a
serious problem with those two seeing each other.
Daria: I do not have a problem with them! (She stands up, carrying what
shes been working on, and hangs it on the wall. It is a dartboard with Dawnas
face on it. Daria takes aim with a dart.) No problems at all! (Thwack.)
Jane: Out of curiosity
what are you writing that psychology paper on?
Daria: Its called "Snap: The Homicidal Tendencies in All of Us."
Jane: Interesting. (She takes a picture of Daria throwing a dart into Dawnas
(Music: "Battle of Who Could Care Less", Ben Folds Five. Daria and
Janes living room. Dawna is watching TV. Daria comes in.)
Dawna: Hope you dont mind. Last year Jillian refused to turn off "MTV Spring
Break." So I threw the TV out the window.
Daria: (slightly interested) Did it explode?
Dawna: Spectacularly. Have a seat. (Daria sits on the other end of the couch.)
or conspiracy? Next, on Sick Sad World.
Daria: Great show.
Dawna: Its my favorite. It almost makes me feel normal. (Daria smiles. There is a
youre going out with Janes brother? --Or so Ive heard.
Dawna: Yeah, I guess so. Hes a really nice guy. (pauses; thoughtfully) I used to
think that nice guys wouldnt have anything to do with me. I never let them know what
I thought. Like for a long time in high school
but Im sure you can relate,
right? Youve probably gone through something like that.
Daria: Maybe. (Jane pops into the door, takes a picture of Dawna and Daria sitting on
the couch, and disappears.)
Dawna: You know, Daria, you kind of remind me of myself in freshman year. (Daria does
not look all that encouraged.) Well, I know I learned that if those nice guys knew
I was interested, some of them would be interested back. And if not, well, its what
I expected in the first place. No ones any worse off, and life goes on in its
insignificant and pointless little way.
Daria: (a little more encouraged, smiling) Right. (Trent comes into the room.)
Trent: Hey, Dawna. Hey, Daria. Mind if I come in?
Dawna: Youre up during daylight hours? And youre not practicing?
Trent: Later. (He sits in the middle of the couch, between Dawna and Daria; Trent and
Dawna start making out. Daria gets up. Jane walks through and takes a picture of the three
Daria: Excuse me. I have to work on my term paper. (She pauses in the door.) And
thanks. I almost had some faith in mankind for a second. (She leaves. We hear a door
close, then a dart thwack. And another. And another. Then a camera click.)
(Some music; Ive run out of ideas. Janes new room, which is not that
different from her old room. Jane is shuffling through her photos. Daria is reading a
Jane: Theres that guy in my textiles class
but if I handed that in Id
have to admit I knew him
this one Im keeping for myself
(looks up at
Daria, who is staring at the ceiling instead of reading) Now this one is
(She holds up the picture from the end of the last scene, with Daria,
Trent, and Dawna.)
Jane: No further comments?
Daria: Its actually surprising me that someone that seemed interesting and
supposedly nicewho could have been my friendcan be such a jerk.
Jane: So what makes her a jerk?
Daria: You saw them.
Jane: So? As far as they know, you couldnt care less. You dont have a
problem with it, remember?
Daria: Et tu, Brute? (sighs) Maybe I should pack it up and go home. I miss my padded
Jane: Not so fast. (She has the crafty sound of someone laying out a plan.) I have an
assignment coming up that I think youll enjoy.
Daria: There it is again. Doubt and mistrust.
Jane: Theres my girl.
(Music: The intro of "Salome," U2. Somewhere in the Mystik Spiral basement. A
tacked-up tie-dye backdrop covers the wall. Jane is directing Trent and Dawna, who are
posing cozily, though not as cozily as the last time we saw them.)
Jane: (half-mocking the cliche photographer chatter, taking pictures all the while.)
All right, look natural
Theyre gonna love
Oh, yeah. Right there
Okay, that should do it. Thanks, guys.
Dawna: No problem. (She leaves. A few seconds later, Daria comes in.)
Daria: Well, Jane, Im here. Hi, Trent.
Trent: Hey, Daria.
Daria: Whats going on?
Jane: I have enough candids for my assignment; now Im working on posed shots. And
I just got some great ones. (She fiddles with her camera. It starts to feel staged.) Wait
(opens camera) Dammit!
Trent: Whats wrong?
Jane: I forgot to put film in it! How could I forget film? Ill be right back.
Talk amongst yourselves. (She leaves.)
hows it going? With the band and all.
Trent: All right. Max thinks he could get us a spot in this local band festival, to
celebrate the opening of some club. Its not much, but theyd charge money and
Daria: (still holding back) Thats great.
Id like to come and see it,
if you dont mind.
Trent: Of course. Youre over eighteen now, right? You always seemed like it.
Daria: In comparison to your average eighteen-year-old in Lawndale, Ive been that
old since I was five. (Trent laughs, but hardly at all.)
Trent: Do you really think we could make it? The band, I mean.
Daria: Its worth a shot, isnt it?
Trent: Thats what youve always told me. But lately its
were still not getting anywhere. Weve been doing this for six years,
and were still in a basement.
but youre in a different basement. I guess thats progress.
Trent: So you dont think this is a waste of time?
Daria: No. Not if you still believe in it. Where did you get that idea?
Trent: Dawna. She means well. But she can be
you know, out of touch. She
doesnt understand this kind of thing.
Daria: I dont mean to beat up on your girlfriend, but she doesnt always
know what shes talking about. Believe me, I know.
Trent: (shrugging) Were not that serious. Especially after what she said
today. (Jane returns with her camera.)
Jane: Lets try this again. Since one of our models is no longer with us, Daria,
would you mind stepping in? Im sure Trent wouldnt mind, right, Trent?
Now lets see
you stand there, and
(Click. Music: "36-24-36", Violent Femmes. Montage of the poses, in B&W:
basic boring picture-day shot with Trent and Daria in their usual nonexpressive modes,
photo-booth style with Jane leaning into the shot (and, in the process, shoving Trent and
Daria closer together), a slightly friendlier arm-over-shoulder shot, a goofy "The
Avengers" back-to-back shot, a rock-and-roll cliché pose with Trents guitar,
an even goofier tango shot, a dip from the previous tango, another dip shot (you can see
the chemistry in this one), a few more friendly poses, and by the end they look almost as
cozy as Trent and Dawna were in the beginning of the scene.)
Jane: All right, that oughtta do it. Its been great working with you, kids.
Ill have my people call your people. Ciao. (She leaves. After a couple of seconds,
Daria and Trent straighten up.)
Trent: Yeah. (A pause.) So
what did Dawna say, that she didnt know what she
was talking about?
Daria: To tell you the truth, Im starting to have second thoughts about that
whole judgment. In fact, Im starting to have second thoughts about a lot of
Excuse me. I have to go rearrange my entire concept of reality. (She starts to
leave; Trent stops her.)
Trent: She likes you, you know. She said you have a lot in common.
Daria: (cautiously) You dont say. (Another pause.) Listen, Trent
I know this
is bad timing, but lets face it, there is no good timing for something like this.
(sighs) I think youre really great. God, that sounded stupid. I think youre
really interesting and you have a lot of potential and I cant talk when Im
around you because youre one of the few people whose opinions I actually care about,
and I dont want to look stupid. So thats it. Pretty much. Oh yeah, and I
wanted to ask you to the prom, but I didnt want to admit that I wanted to go because
its such a sentimental high-school cliche, and I thought youd laugh at me. So
anyway, Ive just broken my own rules and made a fool of myself for no apparent
reason, except that maybe I was jealous. And now Im going to go upstairs and deny I
ever said this and hope you develop selective amnesia, because Im really regretting
it right about now. And in the morning Ill skip the country and/or enter an atheist
convent. (She starts to leave again; Trent stops her again.)
Trent: So you were jealous.
Daria: Apparently you havent seen the dartboard.
Trent: I kind of hoped you would be. I mean, Dawna is okay, but like I said
just doesnt get it.
Daria: (guardedly) Do I get it?
Trent: Every time.
Trent: I think you saw this part. (He moves in and kisses her. For quite a while.)
(Janes room. Daria is writing in a notebook and Jane is looking over some
Jane: What are you working on this time? More detailed death threats, perhaps?
Daria: No. Ive decided to change the topic of my psychology paper. Im
calling it "The Green-Eyed Monster: Envy and Irrationality."
Jane: Not as catchy as "Snap", but it has potential.
Daria: Speaking of which
how did those pictures come out, the ones with me and
Jane: (shrugs) Oh, I never did put film in that camera.
Daria: (glaring at her, but smiling) Looks like Im going to need a new dartboard.
(The end. Credit music: "Enid", Barenaked Ladies, the second half.)