Can't Hardly Wait For Some Intelligence (1/?)
(A panoramic view of the crowd; dozens of Lawndale High Seniors are
sitting on the bleachers in their graduation gowns. The camera scans
under the bleachers, and the feet of the Seniors are shown. Some
aren't wearing shoes, some are. You notice that one guy isn't wearing
anything under his gown, sitting next to a pair of Nike sneakers)
Naked Guy: (elbows the guy next to him) Hey, check it out Mack Daddy!
I told you I'd do it! So, like, when's the party bro? Or are you and
Jodie going to "study" again?
Mack: Hey I told you never to call me that! The party starts at eight
and lasts all night. No, Jodie and I aren't going to study, school's
over. We're graduating Kevin! Jodie and I are going to the party.
Kevin: Go Mack Daddy! What? Graduating? What's that? Hey Mack Daddy,
it's not like I speak French or anything.
Mack: (sighs) It's not worth explaining. Just don't ever come back to
Kevin: (looks confused) Whatever Mack Daddy! Have you heard the news
Mac Daddy? Mike Dexter broke up with Amanda Beckett!
Mack: No...Who the hell are Amanda and Mike? How many times were you
dropped on the head as a baby, Kevin?
(screen freezes; the profiles of Kevin and Michael Jordan Mikensie pop
up on the screen)
Future plans: sports
Extra curricular activities:
The varsity Lawndale High football team
Qb FOR THR LAWNDALE LIONS
PERSONAL QUOTE: "WHAT'SUP? Go Mack Daddy! I am the QB!"
Name: Michael Jordan Mikensie (Mack)
Future plans: undecided
Extra curricular activities:
Caption of the Lawndale lions
Caption of the varsity football team
PERSONAL quote: "Never call me Mack Daddy, kevin."
(Camera speeds past rows of shoes, until it stops, at the familiar
black Doc Martens of Jane and Daria)
Jane:(happy) So the day is finally here, graduation! Bet you never
thought we'd make it this far, huh?
Daria:(deadpan) No. I'd planned to kill everyone first.
Jane: Escape! Now we can leave Ms.Li, Kevin, Brittany, UpChuck, and
all the other idiots behind!
Daria: Yea. Now if we could just avoid seeing them at the party. I
wouldn't want to see Kevin act like an idiot, I can't believe you got
him to go to this naked. (laughs)
Jane: I just told him that there would be prizes and free food
afterwards for all the nude graduates, and that he would receive a
special surprise, like cash, later on in the evening.
Daria:(sighs) To bad I'll never get to tell Trent how I feel...
Jane:(annoyed) Here we go again...
(Daria flashback. To the day Jane takes her down to the basement to
tell Mystic Spiral to turn down the volume, Daria sees Trent. Trent
suddenly becomes illuminated, and the scene is shown in bright, happy
colors and in slow, flashback motion.)
Daria:(dreamy) And then he asked if he should spell Mistic Spiral with
a "Y" instead of an "I"...and I thought his band sounded like a Doors
cover band that plays brew pubs...I was so wrong. I had my chance when
the Tank broke down on the way to Lolapolooza, but you and Jesse got
the car started and I fell asleep. That's when I knew we were meant to
Jane: (singing) Oooh Daria, Dar-ria! Earth to Dariaaaa!(snaps fingers)
Daria: (snaps out of it) Anyway...I think this party sucks, we
shouldn't go. Even if Mystic Spiral's playing.
Jane: (patronizing) So now we can't go because Daria doesn't want to
confess her love to my big brother. What if I want to go, Jesse is
going to be there.
Daria: Well, maybe we'll go.
(Daria and Jane start walking down from the bleachers; screen freezes
and their student profiles pop up.)
Name: Daria morgandorffer
Furture plans: Cambridge
Extra curricular activities:
"I don't have low self-esteem, it's a mistake, I have low esteem for
Name: Jane Lane
Furture plans: RISD or london flat
Extra curricular activities:
The Lawndale track team
"I want to change the world, or watch TV, which ever is easier."
(Daria and Jane continue their conversation as Jane returns the gown
at the Student Council desk and gets her class of 2000 button. Daria
is about to do the same.)
Mr. O'Neil: Oh Daria, I'm so sad to see you leave! After so many
helpful suggestions...Daria, promise me one thing...
Daria: (annoyed) What?
Mr. O'Neil: (upset) That you'll follow your dreams of being a writer
and not be so sarcastic all the time. (sniffs) You need to let people
in, Daria, share your feelings!
Daria: I promise. (VO: to never "share my feelings" with over
emotional English teachers like you.)
Mr. O'Neil: Thank you Daria! That means so much to me, you're going to
be ok. (cries) But, Daria, why didn't you get the same graduation gown
that everybody else did?
Daria: (through clenched teeth) I did.
(UpChuck is in the basement of his house with two other geeky friends)
UpChuck: Kevin has tormented me long enough! Tonight HE will know
(camera zooms back to his two friends Tad and Andy)
Tad: Hahaha...what were you talking about Charles?
Andy: (with plastic ball over his head) Huhuhuh!
UpChuck: (scowls) Pay attention! Now look, let's go over this one more
(walks over to plastic model) Now you, Andy, will be Bobafet. Tad, you
can be Chewbacca. I'm Darth Vader.
Tad: But I wanna be Bobafet!!!
Andy: I'm Bobafet, YOU'RE Chewbacca!
UpChuck: Ok, ok YOU'RE both Ken dolls! Now listen! I'll lure Kevin and
one of his random jock friends behind the pool house. That's when you
jump down off the roof, onto them, knocking both jocks unconcious with
the chlorophil we mixed in chem lab. Then you take off the their
clothes and arrange them in a lurid embrace. Then you take pictures.
Tad and Andy: Yea! But I still wanna be Bobafet!
(camera sees all three walk out of UpChuck's basement)
Andy: Do you think there'll be GIRLS at the party tonight?
Tad: Hell yeah! People may even be having sex tonight!
(UpChuck is talking to two other Freshman in a local grocery store.)
UpChuck:Grrrooowwwllll I've got to have sex tonight!
Freshman 1: So, UpChuck, how do you plan on scoring? Who are you going
to score with?
UpChuck: Well young sir, I have it narrowed down to ten lucky ladies.
Grrrrrrowl (shudders) Feisty! I, UpChuck, have invented the Luuuuuv
Kit. Complete with vanilla scented candles, the ladies just love
those, a little "mood" music, mostly classical, deoderant, cologne,
matches, and (long pause) my devonaire self. (UpChuck flips out a pack
of condoms) And, of course, these.
Freshman 2: (to Freshman 1) Wow man, this dude must know what he's
doing, I mean, he's a Senior.
Freshman 1: Yea, say man, how much do these cost?
UpChuck: Well, fellas, they're not for sale at this moment, but how
about a few collectors' items from McDonalds?
Freshman (in unison): No thanks.
Freshman 1: We're just content to watch the master at work.
UpChuck: Follow me, boys.
(Kevin, Mack, and some other football player are at a diner, talking,
still wearing their jerseys, or at least Kevin still is.)
Kevin: Hey guys, you know what we should do?
Mack: What Kevin?
Kevin: Seeing as we're, uh, graduating, we should all dump our High
School girlfriends so we can pick up other, better, hotter chicks!
Mack: (sarcastic) Uh-huh, sure Kevin. That's just so brilliant, let's
all go dump our girlfriends right now.
Other Guy: Kevin's right Mack Daddy! Go Kevin Go!
Mack: (rolls his eyes)
(Brittany's house, Brittany is sitting in her cheerleading outfit for
Brittany: (picks up phone) Hello? Kevvie! Oh Kevvie I'm sooo happy you
called, I want to look good for the party, so everyone would know
we're still a couple. (fingers her hair) What? What Kevvie? Break up
with me?!(weeps) Oh Kevvie how could you? Who is she?!
Kevin: She's nobody babe. The guys and me figured we could dump our
high school girlfriends and get better ones.
Brittany: (angry and suspicious) I bet it was one of those
Morgandorffer schemetresses wasn't it Kevvie?!
Kevin: Uh...no babe. See you at the party! Oops. I forgot. We're over.
Brittany: (sniffs) Well, I'm going to the party anyway!
(Daria and Jane pull into the driveway. An old Barry Manalo song
reminds Daria of how she feels about Trent. Daria gets into an
argument with Jane about the song "Mandi")
Daria: Mandi! Barry said it himself; it's all about how I feel about
Jane: No, I heard it's about his dog. Now come on Daria!
Daria: It is not about a damn dog! It's about Trent. I can't believe
you're dragging me to this party.
Jane: Whatever Daria. You have to have a chance to be alone with my
brother. And I'm here to make sure it happens.
(Jane and Daria walk into the house. Sandi greets them with the rest
of the Fashion Club)
Sandi: Like, hello Quinn's cousin or something. Like, hello...art girl.
Quinn: (whispers) Daria what are you doing here? This party is only
for cool people!
Daria: No, this party is only for Seniors, so you let me stay, unless
you want me to tell Joey, Jesse, and Jamie that you're a not a Senior...
Quinn: It's Jeffy, and no I don't want you to tell them. (angry) I
guess you can stay.
Jane: Thank you, Quinn. Come on Daria, let's party.
Daria: (sarcastic)Oh yea. Pa-artay.
(UpChuck walks in, followed by his Freshman worshippers)
UpChuck: (looks at Daria) Grrrrrowl. Hello Daaarrr-ia! What's up?
How'd you like to...
Daria: (glares) No thanks, UpChuck.
UpChuck: One down, nine to go in UpChuck's Game of Love...
(UpChuck walks up to Sandi)
UpChuck: So Sandi how'd you like to...
Sandi: Ewwww! Get away from me you geek!
UpChuck: Two down eight to go...
(Brittany walks through the door, by now the news of Kevin dumping her
has circulated throughout the whole school.)
Sandi: Like, hello Brittany.
Tiffany: So Brittany...
Quinn: How'd you like to join the Fashion Club?
Sandi: (glares at Quinn) Hey, Quinn, that was my line! (to Brittany)
I'm sure they'll be a vacancy opening very soon. (looks at Quinn)
Brittany: (playing with her hair, tears springing from her eyes) Thank
you guys for your...uh...invite, but it won't be the same without
Sandi: (distant) Ok Brittany, just tell me if you change your mind.
(walks off towards the beer)
Tiffany: Sorry about you and Kevin, really.
Stacey: You two were just like Brad and Gywneth.
Quinn: Except Kevin is NO Brad.
(The Fashion club walk off after Sandi)
(UpChuck looks for more girls to annoy)
(Brittany is talking to Quinn)
Brittany: I'm so mad at Kevvie I'd go with ANYONE!!!
Quinn: Really? Anyone? Even...UpChuck?
Brittany: (really pissed, but still managing to sound ditzy) Ye-es
even...(blanks out for a minute)...UpChuck!
UpChuck: (evesdropping) Oh Brit-tany, honeybee, how'd you like to
spend the night avec me-e????
Brittany: (dries her eyes) Okay UpChuck. You go get ready; I'll meet
you in the car.
UpChuck: (excited) Ok Brittany, your wish is my command!
(runs to the bathroom)
Quinn: Hey Brittany, I didn't know you had a car.
Brittany: I don't it's...Kevvie's...Oh no! UpChuck!
(Daria is wondering around, thinking about Trent. Jane is moping on
the couch, angry that Jesse never showed up)
Jane: Geez...where is Jesse? He was supposed to meet me here! How many
couches have girls with short black hair, three earings in each ear,
black Doc Martens, black tights, and an ex-boyfriend named Jesse
sitting on them?!
(Off screen: You hear barfing sounds and a huge amount of puke lands
all over Jane)
Jane: Dammit! (shakes her fist) Whoever puked on me is gonna be sorry.
(sees Sandi) Hey, could you tell me where the bathroom is?
Sandi: (looks disgusted) Well, no one's allowed in the upstairs
bathroom, (sniffs) but I think I can make an exception for you.
Upstairs, first door on the right.
(Jane walks up towards the bathroom.)
Sandi: (walks into the living room to see drawings all over her family
picture) WHO DID THIS?! I DEMAND AN ANSWER!!!
UpChuck: (excited) San-diii I REALLY need to go to the bathroom, but
there's a REALLY LONG line!!!! Can I pleeeeeese use another one?
Sandi: No one's allowed up there! Now who drew all over my portrait?!
UpChuck: I think I saw that foreign exchange student with a black felt
tip marker a while ago. He had spikey black hair, ripped jeans, and a
big green t shirt.
Sandi: Ok UpChuck, you and only YOU can use the bathroom. Upstairs to
UpChuck: Oh thankyou thankyou thankyou!(runs up to the bathroom to
Sandi: Now where is that foreign exchange student?!(fumes and looks