"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is
*not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write.
Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for
This is the sixth fic in my chronology, and the follow-up to "Andrea
Speaks!" It follows 1) "Rose-Colored Lenses," 2) "The Tie That
"That Thing You Say," 4) "'Shipped Out," and 5) "Andrea
I'd give it a 2S... not *quite* as long as "Andrea Speaks!"
Er, I kind of exaggerated the rivalry between Brittany and Quinn in my Ten
Spot Promo. I made it sound like it was going to be a campy "clash of the
titans," or "Celebrity Death Match." In fact, the episode is fairly
toned-down. It is about Brittany versus Quinn, but it's even more about
*Quinn* versus Quinn....
So just sit back and.................... Enjoy!
Ten Spot Promo: The woman talks into a mini tape-recorder, places the tape
in an envelope, and puts the envelope on a bench. Then two guys jump for
it, and I forgot the rest.....
[intro theme music...................]
CHEERED DOWN -- by Kara Wild
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, late evening)
(Shot of the outside. Offscreen voice-over: )
CHEERLEADERS: WE HAVE THE *SPIRIT*, YEAH-YEAH!!! WE HAVE THE *SPIRIT*,
(Cut to shot of Daria, Helen, and Jake sitting in the living room. Daria
sits on the lefthand couch, where she's been reading a book. She now
lowers the book, a pained expression on her face. Helen and Jake, seated
on the center couch, look up from what they've been doing. They, too, wear
pained "Oh no!" expressions. We hear the sounds of pounding overhead, and
the cheerleaders calling out.)
CHEERLEADERS: (offscreen) WE'VE GOT STRENGTH, WE'VE GOT MIGHT, WE'RE THE
TEAM WITH ALL THE FIGHT!!! GOOOOOO... *LIONS*!!!!!!! (Pause. then they
launch into their cheer again.)
JAKE: Not again!
DARIA: (to Helen) So when should I bounce the Rah-rah sisters?
HELEN: (placating) Now, now, let's try to show some tolerance. They won't
be here much longer.
DARIA: You've been saying that for over an hour.
HELEN: (looking annoyed) Well sooner or later I'll be *right*, now, won't
I? (Bt) Daria, if it bothers you so much, why not go up to your room?
DARIA: And be closer to the epicenter? Nope. (Bt) 'Til Quinn has the
nerve to toss out her disciples, I'm staying in exile.
(Beat. Helen rolls her eyes.)
HELEN: Daria, would it *hurt* you to be supportive of your sister just
this once?? She's taken on a *very* big responsibility, being head
cheerleader of the school.
DARIA: I support her right to life on this planet. Anything more would be
asking too much.
HELEN: You know you could *learn* a little from her example. She --
(Daria's eyes narrow.)
DARIA: I'll shoot myself before I take lessons from Quinn.
(Helen flings her hands in the air in a "fine, *fine*" manner. Then she,
Daria, and Jake notice that it's become very still. All three release a
HELEN: Now you see? They're -- (the cheering and pounding start up again.
Helen closes her eyes and groans.)
(Just then, some plaster from the ceiling falls down on top of Jake's head.
He brushes it off and looks at it, then goes into a rage.)
JAKE: Dammit! The *bastards* who sold us this house said it was newly
*insulated*! Those rotten *liars*!! (shakes a fist) *Damn* them!! DAMN
HELEN: (losing all composure) Oh honest to *God*! How can anyone even
*think* around here much less put together the most *important* case of her
DARIA: And so...?
HELEN: *Daria*, go ask your sister and her friends to keep it *down*.
(Daria slides off the couch.)
DARIA: With pleasure. (leaves)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Quinn's room)
(Shot of the door. We see Daria opening the door part way just as the
cheer is dying down. She frowns and peers into the room. Cut to her POV:
Quinn is sitting on her bed, dressed normally and not wearing glasses,
looking like a teacher observing the class. The other cheerleaders are
clustered in front of her. Angie, the cheerleader we know from "Daria
Dance Party" and "Andrea Speaks!", looks at her subserviently.)
ANGIE: How was that, Quinn? Were we bouncy enough?
(Pause. Quinn's brows furrow in thought.)
QUINN: Hmm... I *saw* bounce, and yet... I didn't *feel* bounce. You
haven't tapped into the bounciness *within* yet.
(The cheerleaders' expectant looks fade.)
ANGIE: You're right. (Bt) It's just so *hard* to be bouncy, now that I
know wearing the school's colors during daylight hours is a fashion *don't*.
[*] see "The Lost Girls"
(The other cheerleaders murmur in agreement. The brown-haired one from
"Daria Dance Party," whom I'll call Shana, speaks up: )
SHANA: Yeah. I feel so *dirty*.
(She and the other cheerleaders shudder. Quinn gets an almost maternal
expression on her face. Jumps off the bed and puts an arm around both
Angie's and Shana's waist.)
QUINN: (in that same counseling tone she used in "Monster") Guys, don't
worry -- that's why I'm *here*. To help you. (Bt) I've already made
arrangements for new *ice* blue uniforms to be delivered.
CHEERLEADERS: Yeah!/ All right!/ You're the best!
QUINN: (smirking. enjoying the praise) *With* a special fabric protector
that dissolves *sweat*.
(She shudders a little at the word "sweat," as do the other cheerleaders.)
SHANA: (grateful) Wow, Quinn, you think of everything.
QUINN: (faux modest) I try.
(She smirks as the other cheerleaders murmur appreciatively. Then suddenly
she sees Daria spying on them from offscreen. Frowns.)
QUINN: Daria, what're you *doing* here??
(Cut to shot from her POV. Daria opens the door a little wider. Wears a
DARIA: Trying to pick up fashion tips.
(Resume shot of Quinn, glaring. Meanwhile, the other cheerleaders gaze at
Daria with slightly freaked expressions.)
QUINN: Very funny. (Bt) Are you spying for Mom and Dad??
(Cut to shot of Daria.)
DARIA: Nope. Mine is purely an errand of mercy. (Bt) I came to tell you
to can the noise. Certain *other* people in this house are fed up with
having to listen to it.
(Cut to shot of Quinn. She rolls her eyes.)
QUINN: *Fine* -- we're through here, anyway. (turns to the other
cheerleaders. claps her hands together in an energetic manner.) Okay, you
guys, let's call it a night.
CHEERLEADERS: All right!/ Cool!/ Phew!
QUINN: (to Daria. scornful) There, you see?? (Bt) Now go away an' leave
(Cut to shot of Daria. She frowns and rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: As you wish, Your Highness. (closes the door)
(Cut to shot of Quinn glaring back at Daria. She's picked up some subtle
connotation in Daria's nickname, but doesn't know what to make of it. Just
then, the cheerleader with the short orange hair from "Daria Dance Party,"
whom I'll call Heather [there's *gotta* be one], looks at Quinn
HEATHER: Quinn, before we go: d' you have me scheduled down for our
"avoiding split ends" session?
(Quinn points to a Deena Decker schedule book on her dresser. It's aqua,
because she's already used up the coral one.)
QUINN: I've got you *right* in there. Tomorrow. Four. My house.
HEATHER: (clasping her hands together) Oh *thank* you!
(The other cheerleaders look at each other, then at Quinn with beseeching
CHEERLEADERS: Oh! Can I get in on that, too?!
ANGIE: Jumping up and down is *so* hard on your hair.
(Beat. Quinn holds up her hands in a benevolent "calm down" manner.)
QUINN: (cheery) Guys, guys, guys... there's *more* than enough Quinn to go
around. I can make appointments with *all* of you.
CHEERLEADERS: Whoo-hoo!/ All right!/ Great!
(They huddle around Quinn and give her times and days. Quinn loves the
SHANA: (adoring) Quinn, you've only been head cheerleader for a couple of
weeks, and already I feel like I've learned so much from you.
ANGIE: Yeah. We never got *any* of this when Brittany was head cheerleader.
(Quinn's smirk deepens.)
QUINN: I know.
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 3 (bathroom, nighttime)
(Shot of Quinn in pajamas, standing in front of the mirror. She's making
little gestures that suggest modified cheers. Just then, Daria walks in,
also in pajamas, and stands beside her. Observes Quinn with a deadpan
DARIA: Did something crawl into your nightgown?
(Quinn continues to gesture as she peers sideways at Daria and frowns.)
QUINN: Leave me alone, Daria. I'm busy.
DARIA: Training to become a mime?
(Quinn drops her arms, glares at her.)
QUINN: I'm *cheering*.
DARIA: Oh. So that's what that was.
(Quinn turns back to the mirror, starts making gestures again.)
QUINN: Quit making fun of me.
DARIA: Don't tell me that's all you can do.
QUINN: Of *course* it's not! (Pause. hesitant) I probably know...
*lots* of stuff. I just haven't tried.
DARIA: Yeah, that must be it.
(Quinn resumes gesturing.)
QUINN: So I don't like jumping around an' getting all *sweaty*. So *what*??
DARIA: Well, being able to lead a cheer's pretty important when you're
QUINN: I *can* lead a cheer. (Bt) I just do it differently -- like that
guy who waves a wand thingy that tells his band what to play. What's he
DARIA: A charlatan. (Bt) Well I gotta say, Quinn, with a can-do attitude
like that, you really *are* an improvement over Brittany.
QUINN: (not sure if she's being sarcastic or not) Thanks.
DARIA: And if you don't mind my asking: how *exactly* did you get picked
to be head cheerleader?
QUINN: I've already *told* you.
DARIA: That you got elected, but not much more. (Bt) So what's the story
behind this election?
QUINN: (annoyed) There *is* no story.
DARIA: (sarcastic) Oh, right. (Bt) I suppose the other cheerleaders just
*decided* one day to make you their leader. Without any convincing from
(Quinn pauses to mull over those remarks, then decides to level with Daria.)
QUINN: Well *okay*, so it's true I wanted to be head cheerleader. (Bt) I
mean *God* -- leave an important role like that to *Brittany*?? She can't
even apply lipstick without *screwing* up.
QUINN: It's not like I even had to twist the other girls' arms, or
anything. *Sheesh* -- offer *some* sign of leadership ability, and they'll
DARIA: Right. Come running... just like that.
QUINN: Weeell, I did give them makeover tips and free bounce lessons my
first few days with the team. Maybe *that* did it.
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
QUINN: Like I expected them to elect me after the first *week*. Two or
three maybe... but the whole thing was as much a surprise to *me* as it was
to anyone else.
DARIA: I see. And now you'll just have to force yourself to reap the
(Quinn sighs with obvious satisfaction.)
QUINN: I *suppose*. (Bt) It's a big responsibility, but I'm up for the
DARIA: Caveat emptor.
QUINN: Huh? (Bt) What does *that* mean?
(Daria sighs and frowns a little.)
DARIA: It means congratulations, Quinn: you got exactly what you wanted.
You're on top of the world, glasses or no.
QUINN: (wary again) Um, thanks.
DARIA: But let the buyer beware.
(With that, she turns and heads out of the bathroom, leaving Quinn to frown
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn standing alone at her locker.
She's dressed in her cheerleader's uniform and her glasses, and is slumped
over. From offscreen: )
STACY: Poor Quinn. She looks so sad.
(Cut to shot of Stacy, Tiffany, and Sandi. They're also standing by some
lockers, and Stacy's peering around a corner at Quinn. Sandi looks at her
with obvious irritation.)
SANDI: *Stacy*, she is *not* sad. (Bt. bitter) How can anyone who's
-gets-*favors*-from-Ms.-Li be *sad*??
TIFFANY: Yeah, Stacy. Quinn's more popular than ever, now.
(Sandi glares at her -- obviously *that* wasn't what she wanted to hear.)
STACY: I don't know... she just looks really bummed-out all the time.
(Bt. hesitant) Y' know, Sandi, I was thinking: Quinn's cute enough that
she doesn't look *too* bad in glasses...
(Sandi's expression turns megabitch.)
STACY: So maybe -- (sees Sandi's expression) *eap*, I'll shut up now.
SANDI: *Stacy*. Don't you remember how she *lied* to us an' *broke* the
Fashion Club rules?? Or do those things mean *nothing* to you??
(Stacy shakes her head, then nods, indecisive about which gesture is correct.)
STACY: Um, yeah. Sure they... mean something... Sandi.
SANDI: Then why don't you just *shut* up an' leave everything to *me*.
It's not your job to think, *anyway*. (Bt. looks at both Stacy and
Tiffany) In case you've forgotten, *you're* the secretary an' *Tiffany's*
vice-president. *I'm* the president -- I make the decisions.
(Tiffany can't keep from rolling her eyes.)
TIFFANY: *Yes*, Sandi, you've told us that *many* times.
SANDI: (defensive) And do you have a *problem* with that??
TIFFANY: Um, no way.
(Sandi nods curtly.)
(Stacy shakes her head and peers longingly at Quinn. Cut to close-up shot
of Quinn at her locker. She looks inside, at her mirror [of *course* she'd
have a mirror in there]. Frowns with disgust.)
QUINN: (mumbling) God, glasses and primary colors during daylight hours.
I *do* look like a geek.
(She's just shutting her locker when, offscreen, we hear the voice of her
math teacher, Mr. Phelps: )
PHELPS: Well hello, Ms. Morgendorffer.
(He walks onscreen and stands beside her. Quinn looks up at him, frowning
with shyness and embarrassment -- "Oh God, a teacher's talking to me.")
QUINN: Um, hi Mr. Phelps.
(Phelps smiles grimly and folds his arms.)
PHELPS: (somewhat formally) I'm glad to have finally caught up with you.
You haven't been in class too much, as of late.
QUINN: (eyes drifting around in an awkward manner) Oh yeah, well... I've
been busy. Um, I've got a lot of stuff to do, what with cheerleading an'
PHELPS: (sardonic) So your *after* school activities take precedence over
your *school* work, do they?
(Pause. Quinn looks confused -- Mr. Phelps uses a lot of "brain" words.)
QUINN: Well I... um, I guess...
(Phelps shakes his head, smirks a bit.)
PHELPS: Will you be in class *today*?
QUINN: (embarrassed) Oh well, actually... Ms. Li gave me permission to
take the rest of the day off. 'Cause it's like, um, Game Day and I gotta
(Beat. Now Phelps shakes his head and sighs.)
PHELPS: (serious) Then I might as well say this now. Ms. Morgendorffer,
I'd like to have a talk with you about your performance.
(Quinn looks impatient -- she's heard these unpleasant words before, from
QUINN: Um, right, sure -- but could we, like, sorta have it *later*? I'm
kind of in a rush.
PHELPS: (a tad weary) Sure.
(Pause. Quinn gazes at him for a second, feeling like she should say
something in parting.)
QUINN: (encouraging) Football season's almost over.
(Phelps chuckles and smiles grimly.)
PHELPS: Yes, that's true.
(Quinn smiles at him and starts to leave.)
PHELPS: But a cheerleader's work is never done.
(Quinn pauses, glances over her shoulder at him, frowns, and walks on. Cut
to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany.)
STACY: Hey look -- Quinn's headed this way.
TIFFANY: Oh God, this could be *so* awkward.
SANDI: (authoritative) *Just* act natural.
(Quinn walks toward them. Stacy looks at her, her face brightening.)
STACY: *Hi*, Quinn! (waves)
(Sandi and Tiffany do likewise, with less enthusiasm.)
SANDI & TIFFANY: Hi, Quinn.
(Quinn glances at them, frowns darkly, then picks up the pace. She sweeps
past the Fashion Club without saying a word, exits offscreen. The F.C.'s
watch her go. Stacy puts her hand down, looking disappointed, while Sandi
folds her arms with subtle satisfaction.)
SANDI: You try to be *nice* to some people, and *look* where it gets you.
(Stacy turns and frowns at both of them. But not one to go with her
irritation, quickly turns meek again.)
STACY: Well, um, see what I mean about her being sad?
SANDI: *I'll* say. The other cheerleaders must find her a total *bummer*
to be around.
STACY: Um, yeah. (Bt) And if Quinn's unhappy, I wonder how *Brittany's*
(Cut to close-up shot of Daria at her locker. She's fiddling around,
wearing a deadpan expression. But she can't maintain that expression, as
offscreen, we hear Brittany full-on squeaking at Kevin.)
BRITTANY: Don't *lie* to me, you big selfish *jerk*!! I *saw* you looking
KEVIN: Hey babe, *babe*, I keep *tellin'* ya! I was just starin' at her
*glasses*, that's all!
(Cut to wide shot. We see Jane standing next to Daria, also tuned in to
the argument. Brittany and Kevin walk onscreen, stand in front of them.
Brittany's replaced her cheerleader's uniform with a similar outfit -- a
clingy sleeveless pink sweater and cutoffs.)
BRITTANY: *Ha*, right! People don't wear glasses *below* the neck, Kevin!
KEVIN: Um, well yeah, that's *true*, but --
BRITTANY: Ooooooooh!!! I *knew* it! I *knew* that after I quit
cheerleading you wouldn't stay *faithful* to me!!!
KEVIN: Babe, baaabe, I'm *totally* faithful to ya. Really. (flashes his
toothy dimpled grin)
(Unable to resist the grin, Brittany looks slightly placated.)
KEVIN: Suuure. (Bt) I mean, just 'cause Quinn's hot doesn't mean --
BRITTANY: Arrrrrghhhhhhhh!!! (starts pounding on Kevin with her fists)
(Daria and Jane look at each other.)
DARIA: Fidelity oaths from a football player.
JANE: It's like a politician agreeing to campaign spending limits.
(Brittany stops pounding, looks at Daria with a menacing expression -- not
unlike the one Daria cowed her with in "That Thing You Say." Only Daria
BRITTANY: (to Kevin) Oh *look*, it's the *traitor's* sister!
KEVIN: (oblivious) Oh yeah. Hey, Daria.
DARIA: (deadpan) Hey.
BRITTANY: How can you even *think* of talking to her?!! She probably
*told* Quinn to go for head cheerleader! It sounds like something a
*brain* would think up!
DARIA: Right. I harnessed my brain power to come up with a scheme to oust
you from cheerleading. (Bt) Does that *sound* like me?
BRITTANY: I don't care if it does or doesn't! As far as *I'm* concerned,
if you're sisters with that *traitor*, you're a traitor, *too*!!! So don't
even *talk* to me!
DARIA: I'll try to restrain myself.
BRITTANY: Ooooooooooh!!! *C'mon* Kevin, let's go! (marches offscreen.
Kevin waits behind, hesitant. From offscreen: ) *Kevin*!!! (Kevin now
runs off, too.)
(Daria shakes her head.)
DARIA: (to herself) Even if that scheme *was* my idea, Quinn wouldn't've
gone for it. She doesn't care what I think.
JANE: (on a different track) Never a dull moment around here, I gotta say.
DARIA: Damn that Andrea. Why'd I have to say that stuff to her? And
why'd she have to --?
JANE: What stuff?
(Daria shakes her head again.)
(Beat. Jane decides not to pursue it.)
JANE: Hey, ya know, all that cheerleader scheming and back-stabbing sounds
pretty *entertaining*. (smirks wickedly)
DARIA: Oh I'm sure. It's a big *joke* if you ask me.
JANE: So've you gone to see Quinn at a game, yet?
DARIA: No. (Bt) But I can see that *you* want to.
JANE: (admitting) Hey c'mon: the Big Game's in two weeks, and then the
season's over. Why miss the chance to laugh at your sister while she's
wiggling her caboose to the school song?
DARIA: But I can do that during basketball season. (Pause. sighs, gives
in) Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5: (football field, early evening)
(Shot of Daria and Jane sitting in the top lefthand corner of the
bleachers. Both are frowning mildly.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Quite a crowd we've got here.
(Briefly cut to a wider shot. There's hardly anyone in the bleachers,
although we can see Brittany and Jodie seated in the lower righthand
corner. Brittany looks miserable, and Jodie like she's straining to be
JANE: (looking down at the cheerleaders) Why did I think this would be more
(Cut to shot of Quinn standing on the sidelines with the other c
heerleaders. She's barely paying attention to what they're doing *or* to
what's going on in the game. Instead, wearing a bored expression, she
checks her nail polish, then reaches up to take off her glasses and examine
them. Quinn frowns: she *really* hates wearing them. Finally she sighs
and puts them back on. Meanwhile, the Lions are screwing up royally on
offense, and the other cheerleaders are forming a pyramid to rally the
ANGIE: (from near the top) Quinn! Hey, Quinn!
(Quinn turns to look at them. She tries to sound enthusiastic.)
QUINN: Oh, um, yeah. Looks good, guys.
ANGIE: Great. (staining under the pressure of other girls' weight) But
could you lend us a hand??
HEATHER: Yeah. You gotta get on top of the pyramid.
(Quinn suddenly looks nervous.)
QUINN: I, um, do?
(Before Quinn can respond, she hears from offscreen: )
MACK: Watch out!
(Quinn looks and sees the football whizzing at her from a distance. She
*barely* gets out of the way in time.)
QUINN: (breathless) That was close.
(The pyramid, unable to withstand the pressure, collapses, and the
cheerleaders fall gracefully to the ground. Angie stands up, brushes
herself off, and walks over to Quinn.)
ANGIE: You all right?
QUINN: Yeah. I saw it in time. (Bt) Sorry I couldn't join you guys.
But maybe next time, now that our team's on... (can't remember the word)
QUINN: Yeah. (nods)
ANGIE: Okay. (Bt) Y' know it's too bad Brittany quit the team. She
loved doing the pyramid.
(Quinn frowns slightly.)
QUINN: Um, yeah, too bad.
(Then, from a short distance away: )
SHANA: Quinn? Shouldn't you be putting together the next cheer?
(Pause. Quinn's not quite sure how to respond. Finally: )
QUINN: (cheery) Oh, well... you seem to know what to do. Why don't *you*
give it a try? (Bt. faux noble) I don't believe in saving the spotlight
*just* for myself.
(Shana hesitates, then finally nods. Angie looks at Quinn with a vaguely
disappointed expression. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane in the stands,
JANE: So *how'd* she manage to fool them 'til now?
DARIA: Free bounce lessons. (Bt. smirks with satisfaction) But those'll
only get you so far.
(Resume shot of Quinn. She senses that there's dissatisfaction with her
leadership. Sees that the offensive players are leaving the field, and
turns to Angie.)
QUINN: (cheery) Say, Angie, remember how you wanted lessons on how to pick
ANGIE: Uh-huh. (Bt) But is this the right time?
QUINN: (brisk) There's never a *wrong* time to learn. (Bt. sees Kevin.
smirks) Now for starters, you need to tilt your head, flip your hair a
little, smile, try to cock an eyebrow if you can, an' go *real* sweetly --
(Pause. Kevin sees Quinn, grins, and walks up to her.)
KEVIN: (somewhat turned on) Heeeey, Quinn. (flashes his toothy dimpled smile)
(From offscreen: )
(Quinn, Angie, and Kevin turn to watch Brittany leap off the bleachers and
run away. Kevin looks panicked.)
KEVIN: Aw *man*! (runs off after her)
(Quinn turns to Angie.)
QUINN: (faux innocent) Gosh, she didn't think I was *serious*, did she?
(shakes her head. instructional) Now *you* try.
(Angie nods and turns toward the other players. As she does so, Quinn
slumps over a bit, suddenly feeling as though all of the pressures of being
head cheerleader are getting to her. Then she sees the 3 J's coming toward
her from the field, wearing contrite expressions. She gazes at them,
JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Hi Quinn/ Hi Quinn/ Hi Quinn.
(Pause. Quinn continues to stare at them. Then her face lights up.)
QUINN: (happy) You're not running away!
JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Um no/ Nope/ No way.
QUINN: (smirking) So you found out you couldn't live without me? (Bt)
Even though I'm like *this*, now? (gestures at the glasses)
[*] in "Rose-Colored Lenses," when the 3 J's first saw Quinn in glasses,
they ran away. Presumably, since she started wearing them regularly,
they've been keeping their distance.
JOEY: We tried to, Quinn, but we couldn't.
JEFFY & JAMIE: Nuh-uh!!!
(Quinn smirks, thrilled to see that she still has power over her three main
JOEY: We were going to --
JEFFY: But then we had a talk with some other guys.
QUINN: *Other* guys?
JEFFY: Yeah. Guys who know you. (Bt) And we all agreed that your
glasses make you look kinda *weird* --
JAMIE: We thought they'd turn you into some kind of *nerd* (cringes a
JOEY: But now that you're head cheerleader, we don't have to worry.
(Quinn's smirk fades.)
JEFFY: (continuing. oblivious) We love how you look in a uniform!
JAMIE: Even more than what you usually wear.
JOEY: And the way you give orders to the other cheerleaders -- hot!
QUINN: Great. (Pause. sees that the 3 J's are standing around, waiting
to serve her needs.) Say, um, while you're here, why don't you go get me a
soda with crushed ice, or something?
JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Cool! Which one of us?
QUINN: All of you. (waves her hand) Now *go*.
(They scurry off. Quinn watches them go, then deflatedly takes off her
glasses and looks at them. She exhales sharply and straightens up. Puts
on her glasses, gets a look of determination on her face.)
QUINN: (calling out to the other cheerleaders) Hey, you guys -- what're
you waiting for?! Let's do a cheer!
END OF ACT ONE
[Shot of Quinn motoring past the Fashion Club without saying a word.]
***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
1) "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: the Morgendorffers visit Grandma
Barksdale to celebrate her fiftieth wedding anniversary. Sounds like a lot
of warm family fun... right? (shots of Daria and Quinn stumbling out of the
car, Jake talking to a bunch of photographs on the mantelpiece, Jake and
Helen raging at each other, and Helen with Rita and Amy) Catch the first
of two parts next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"
2) I normally love the "Got Milk" commercials, but this one gives me the
creeps. It's where the old woman gives artificial milk to her gazillion
cats instead of the real thing. The cats hiss demonically, lock the door,
turn out the lights... and you're supposed to guess the rest. I know it's
all just a joke, but every time I watch it I think: that poor woman! Just
'cause she didn't have real milk that day. Did she really deserve her
3) The Chevron commercials where you see a pretty forest or meadow, and
hear this warm voice-over: "Do people take the time to restore nature so
nature can run it's course? People do." 'Course, if nature had been left
alone, instead of gutted for oil and other resources, people wouldn't
*have* to restore it. Just my environmentalist rant... it's over now.
***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, the next morning)
(Shot of the outside. Offscreen voice-over: )
(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting on the center couch in the living room.
Helen rushes over and hands her the phone.)
HELEN: (brisk) It's for you. Only make it *fast* -- I'm expecting a call
from an important client. (rushes away)
QUINN: Sure. (puts her ear to the phone) Hello?
(Pause. Then: )
BRITTANY: (from the receiver) Why *you*, you... ooooooooh!!! First you
take away *cheerleading* from me, then you try to steal *my* Kevin --!!!
QUINN: (calm) Sorry, Brittany, wrong number. (clicks off the phone,
shakes her head, and rolls her eyes.)
(This ushers in a montage to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba [courtesy of
(Shot of Brittany sitting in the gym bleachers, watching Quinn and the
other cheerleaders practice. She gets enraged and sticks out her tongue at
them. Of course the cheerleaders don't notice.)
(Cut to shot of the cheerleaders standing by the football field, admiring
their new ice blue uniforms. Quinn's giving them a "pick up guys" lesson.
She flirts with a bunch of the football players, including Kevin. Suddenly
Brittany runs up to Quinn and hops up and down, trying to think of
something nasty to say. Can't come up with anything, so she runs away.
Quinn rolls her eyes amusedly and shakes her head.)
(Cut to shot of the cheerleaders watching as Quinn, awkward and
embarrassed, tries to do a cheer.)
(Cut to shot inside the Landon house. Rachel comes over and hands Jodie
the phone. Jodie gets a look that says "Not again!" She puts her ear to
the receiver and cringes.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn watching the cheerleaders practice on the field. Out
of the corner of her eye, she sees the Fashion Club walking a distance
away. They're carrying loads of shopping bags. Quinn gets a depressed
look on her face.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn giving the cheerleaders special make-up bags as
presents. The cheerleaders' faces tell you her gesture is
(Cut to shot of Helen handing Quinn the phone. Quinn hesitates, then gives
the phone to Daria. Daria answers, and is met with -- no doubt -- an
ear-piercing squeak. She glares at Quinn, who's now vanished.)
(Musical montage ends. cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Pizza King, after school)
(Shot of the outside. Offscreen voice-over: )
(Cut to shot of Jodie sitting alone in a booth. Brittany's rushing toward
her, sitting down. Jodie tries her best to look glad to see her.)
BRITTANY: (rushing on. gesturing wildly) It's *hopeless*! I've tried
*everything*! I've tried talking to her, an'-an' threatening her, an' not
only is she *still* head cheerleader, but she's gonna get my *Kevvy*!
JODIE: (mechanically) Oh no. (Bt. shakes her head. sincere) Brittany,
it's awful this had to happen to you. Quinn did a rotten thing, and I'm
sorry I was ever nice to her.
BRITTANY: Me *too*! An' now I never wanna *see* her again!
JODIE: Uh... then I wouldn't look behind that wall of guys if I were you.
(Cut to shot of a nearby booth. Quinn and some of the other cheerleaders
are sitting there, out of uniform, flirting with their admirers. Brittany
looks. Her face takes on an expression of horror.)
BRITTANY: *Eap*! Oh no! (lays her arms on the table, hides her face in them)
(Suddenly, from offscreen: )
(Pause. Brittany slowly raises her face, wary. Shana walks over and
stands next to her.)
SHANA: (sincere) Wow! It's so good to see you.
BRITTANY: It-it *is*?
SHANA: Yeah. We really miss you at cheerleading practice. Nobody can do
a better cheer.
BRITTANY: (face brightening) *Really*?
SHANA: Yeah, not even Quinn. She's great at everything else, but her
moves are still a little rusty.
BRITTANY: (face falling) Oh.
(Just then, we hear from offscreen: )
QUINN: (faux friendly) Oh *hi*, Brittany!
(Brittany's face reddens, and Jodie rolls her eyes, as Quinn walks onscreen.)
QUINN: (to Brittany) Yes, it *is* nice to see you.
BRITTANY: (lips sealed shut) Mmmmmmmmm...
QUINN: Hi, Jodie.
JODIE: (cold) Hi, Quinn.
(Pause. Quinn frowns briefly, startled by Jodie's tone. Brittany chooses
this moment to rebound.)
BRITTANY: (somewhat crafty... for her) Gosh, Quinn, how come you're not in
uniform? It's a head cheerleader's *duty* to always wear it.
QUINN: A *what*?
BRITTANY: I'm surprised you haven't gotten in trouble with *Ms. Li* yet.
(Pause. For a moment Quinn looks worried. Then she smirks.)
QUINN: The cheerleading manual says you're s'posed to wear your uniform on
Game Days and pep rally days. (Pause. eyes widen with faux incredulity)
You mean you thought... (chuckles) you didn't *honestly* think... *every*
(Brittany goes pale. Looks at Jodie.)
BRITTANY: Well don't you?
JODIE: (apologetic. glaring sideways at Quinn) Um, I don't think so,
(Brittany's lip trembles.)
QUINN: Oh *Brittany*, you crack me up sometimes... (tosses her hair, and
leaves. Shana hesitates a little, then waves a good-bye to Brittany and
(Brittany lowers her face again.)
BRITTANY: (whiny) You see! She's a bad cheerleader an' they *still* like
her! I don't know what to do!
JODIE: Maybe you should try hitting her where it hurts. Call her
"four-eyes," or something.
BRITTANY: But I don't wanna be a big *meany*!
(Beat. Jodie shakes her head, smiles.)
JODIE: You're a better person than your opponent, Brittany. (Bt) Anyway,
there *is* a bright side to all this: the Big Game's next Saturday. Maybe
Quinn'll make an idiot of herself in front of the crowd and the
cheerleaders will see what a bad leader she is.
(Pause. Brittany nods, trying to take some comfort from that idea. Just
then, we hear, offscreen, the sound of the door opening and shutting,
followed by Sandi's voice. Brittany turns to look. Cut to shot of Sandi
and the other F.C.'s. Brooke, the wanna-be F.C., is with them. She's
gazing at Sandi with an almost desperate expression.)
BROOKE: *Please*, Sandi?! You always *said* you'd let me in if there was
ever any room, an' *now* there is.
(Pause. Sandi rolls her eyes and decides to humor her.)
SANDI: (haughty) *Very* well. As soon as you buy us a pizza, we'll
discuss your *prospects*.
(Brooke's face lights up with spazzy delight.)
SANDI: What *else*? (Pause. to Stacy and Tiffany) Let's go sit over --
(suddenly sees Quinn and the cheerleaders. calls out, faux friendly) Oh,
(Pause. From her table, Quinn looks at Sandi, a bit unnerved. She strains
to sound non-chalant.)
QUINN: (equally faux friendly. through gritted teeth) *Hi*, Sandi. It's
*so* good to see you.
SANDI: And it is *equally* good to see *you*.
(Stacy and Tiffany wave, to which Quinn responds with a brief, icy smile.
As soon as Sandi turns away, Quinn glowers at her, looking as though she'd
like to plunge a knife into her backside. Cut to shot of Brittany and
Jodie. Brittany can't fail to see the tension between them. Turns
excitedly to Jodie.)
BRITTANY: That's it! *I* know what I can do!
BRITTANY: I can join the *Fashion Club*! (Bt) Quinn can't get in, but
*I* can! That'll burn her for *sure*!!!
[*] see postscript
JODIE: But -- (Brittany leaves. Pause. sighs and shakes her head.) You
know maybe I was wrong. Maybe you two *aren't* so different.
(Cut to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany poised to sit down in a booth.
Brittany runs over to them.)
BRITTANY: Hey, Sandi, could *I* join?! Could I, huh, could I??
(Sandi blinks, a bit startled.)
BRITTANY: The Fashion Club! Pleeese, oh pleeese?! (Bt) I can, um,
coordinate stuff, if people teach me...
(Suddenly Brooke comes back from ordering the pizza.)
BROOKE: (panicked) Hey *wait*! I asked *first*! There's only one spot!
(Sandi smirks with delight. She never intended to let anyone into the
Fashion Club, but she sees now that a little competition between Brittany
and Brooke might work to her advantage. Puts up her hands in a "calm
SANDI: *Shush*. (Bt) Now, *now*, the Fashion Club believes in equal
opportunity for *all* potential members. We can discuss *both* your
prospects, then test out your skills in a few *shopathons* next week. (Bt)
(Brittany clasps her hands together and bounces up and down.)
BRITTANY: Ooooooh -- *yes*!!!
(Brooke glares at her, then looks at Sandi.)
BROOKE: (deflated) I guess so.
(Sandi smirks and nods, then turns to glance at Quinn, who -- of course --
has been watching this whole thing, though trying not to look it.)
SANDI: (faux apologetic) *Gee*, Quinn, I hope this doesn't upset you.
Since it's *your* spot we're trying to fill.
QUINN: (faux gracious) Of *course* not, Sandi. I'm *completely* happy
with where I am right now. (Bt. When Sandi turns away, can't keep from
frowning, grumbling) You *stupid* back-stabbing *so*-called friends who I
got *busted* for buying stuff for an' this is how you *repay* me --?!
[*] see "That Thing You Say"
(Sandi turns back to look at her.)
SANDI: (faux innocent) *What* did you say?
QUINN: (faux friendly) Oh, *nothing*, Sandi.
(Cut to shot of Jodie, who's watched the whole thing. She rolls her eyes.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Close-up shot of Daria's phone. It starts to ring. Cut to wider shot of
Daria lying on the bed. She reaches over and picks up the phone after the
DARIA: (deadpan) Yes?
(Split screen diagonal, with Jodie on the left and Daria on the right.)
JODIE: Hi, Daria. Glad I could get a hold of you.
DARIA: Well you're lucky. The Cheerleading Crisis Hotline is temporarily
out of service. Our pom-pom queen has a date.
JODIE: Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. All this
cheerleading stuff's really got me worried.
DARIA: You, too?
JODIE: Yeah. I hate watching Brittany suffer the way she has. (Bt)
Look, Quinn seems like the type who can survive no matter what, but
Brittany really *needs* cheerleading.
DARIA: You don't say.
JODIE: Yeah. Without it, she's just... lost somehow. (Bt) And now she's
trying to get even with Quinn by joining the Fashion Club, and I'm afraid
the whole thing'll be a disaster for her.
DARIA: Considering it's the Fashion Club, your fears are valid.
JODIE: Could you *talk* to Quinn? Maybe ask her to step down as head
(Pause. Daria's frowning, giving the idea some thought.)
JODIE: Look, in spite of what you think, you must have *some* influence
over her. Could you at least *try*?
DARIA: (resigned) All right, I'll try. But I won't make any promises.
JODIE: Great. Thanks, Daria.
DARIA: (mumbling) Yeah, sure. Bye.
(She hangs up the phone. Cut to full screen. Daria hops off the bed and
walks to her door. Cut to shot of the door as seen from the outside.
Daria opens it, starts to step out into the hallway. Suddenly we see Quinn
dart past, dressed the way she was when she dumped Corey in "Quinn the
QUINN: *Can't* talk. Date's here. (leaves)
(Daria rolls her eyes and groans.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (the mall, one afternoon after school)
(Shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany in the dressing room at Cashman's.
They're on their first major shopathon with the potential members. Sandi's
busy admiring herself in the mirror, while Stacy and Tiffany are slumped
against a wall. Just then, Brittany and Brooke rush over, looking as
though they've been doing some gift shopping. Each holds out a gift box to
Sandi and looks at her with a beseeching expression. Stacy and Tiffany
roll their eyes.)
STACY: (to Tiffany. hushed) Gosh, that's the *third* one each of them's
TIFFANY: (annoyed) Yeah.
(Sandi takes both gifts. Holds one up in each hand and examines them.)
BROOKE: (to Sandi) They're silver earrings... just, um, 'cause I saw them
in the display an' they seemed like you.
BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) Well *I* bought you a bottle of Montel's
Confessions. Just a squirt on your wrists, an' all the guys'll think
you're *really* hot.
(Sandi raises and lowers the gifts as if she's weighing them.)
SANDI: Hmmmm... (finally raises Brittany's gift higher than Brooke's.)
They're *both* great, but (gives Brittany a favoring look) *Brittany*, why
don't *you* stand here with me and show off your fashion know-how? Brooke,
you go off over there, somewhere. (nods toward Stacy and Tiffany)
(Brooke's face falls. She slumps over and walks away.)
BRITTANY: (can't conceal elation) All right!
(Sandi places the gifts on a small pile and then gestures at an article of
SANDI: (instructional) Okay, Brittany: what type of *shoes* do you think
would go with this *cardinal* sweater-vest?
(Brittany pauses to think, twirling a lock of hair all the while.)
BRITTANY: The brown... no... the red... no... (Meanwhile, Stacy, Tiffany,
and Brooke watch her, annoyed.) *wait*, I got it! The brown thingys with
the big heels, right?
(Sandi tries her best to look tolerant.)
SANDI: Um, that's a nice *start*, Brittany, but --
BROOKE: (looking like she's ready to tear Brittany's hair out) They're
called Doc Marten platform *sandals*!! And you didn't even get the *color*
(Beat. Sandi cocks a haughty eyebrow at her.)
SANDI: Now, Brooke, Brittany is *learning*. Let's show her a *little*
BROOKE: (contrite) Okay.
SANDI: *Good*. (Bt) Now Brittany, honey, let's try something a bit
*easier*. What kind of *pants* would go best with the sweater-vest?
(gestures at a few different kinds of pants)
(Again, Brittany pauses to think, twirling a lock of hair. An irritated
expression briefly crosses Sandi's face. Stacy and Tiffany roll their
eyes. Brooke looks more and more enraged.)
BRITTANY: Uhhhhhh... the gray thingys? (gestures at a pair)
(Pause. Sandi is silent, unable to think of a suitable response for such
an obvious fashion faux-pas. Stacy can't hold back a sharp, exasperated
sigh, and Tiffany's eyes narrow. Finally Brooke can't stand it anymore.
She rushes up to Brittany.)
BROOKE: No! *Not* "the gray *thingys*"!! Anyone with half a *brain* can
see that the black Capri pants are the only ones that *match*!
SANDI: (warning) *Brooke*...
BROOKE: (to Brittany) And those gray *thingys* have a *name*! They're
called khaki *Cargo* pants!!! These ones are *Guess* Cargo pants, not to
be confused with *Old Navy* Cargo pants, which have a much --
SANDI: (megabitch) *Brooke*. (Brooke pauses, looks at her with a slightly
mollified expression.) Just *wait* your turn. The Fashion Club doesn't
tolerate *glory* hogs.
(Brooke's expression turns dumbstruck.)
BROOKE: Wait, you're not saying you'd choose *her* over *me*, are you??!!
(Bt. suddenly loses all composure) But you *can't*!!! She hasn't gotten
*anything* right this *entire* trip!!!
SANDI: (again warning) Listen --
BROOKE: And *look* at her -- she's *crawling* with fashion *don'ts*!!!
(gestures at Brittany's outfit.)
BRITTANY: I *am*?! (looks freaked, as if "fashion don'ts" were bugs, or
SANDI: (cool) Well I guess I can see what *your* true colors are, Brooke.
Some people just *aren't* the supportive type.
BROOKE: *Supportive*??!! I've been waiting to get into the Fashion Club
for *two* years!!! I even had Dr. Shar turn me into a *freak* so I could
get in!!! And now you favor *her* (points to Brittany) just 'cause she
buys better *gifts*?!! I can't stand it anymoooooooore!!! (turns and runs
[*] see "Too Cute"
(The others watch her go, stunned.)
SANDI: She *always* was high-strung.
STACY: Um, but she does have a point, Sandi.
TIFFANY: (slightly peevish) Yeah. Isn't *bribery* a violation of our
(Sandi looks a tad uneasy. Then she gets a megabitch expression.)
SANDI: No. There's nothing in it about *accepting* bribes.
STACY: (mumbling) That's probably 'cause you *wrote* it.
SANDI: *Not* that that's what I've been *doing*, by the way. (frowns at
Stacy, suddenly comprehending that she said something rebellious, but not
TIFFANY: Well, um, Sandi, as vice-president --
SANDI: I didn't *make* you vice-president so you could start *spouting*
(Tiffany frowns and rolls her eyes. Stacy looks startled by the ferocity
of Sandi's tone.)
STACY: Yeah, but Quinn --
SANDI: (sending her a freezing megabitch look) We're not *talking* about
Quinn. *Quinn's* not here. *Quinn* got kicked out for being a *liar*,
STACY: (pleading) But she wasn't a *real* liar. She just lied about
wearing glasses. But everything else she told us has been true...
SANDI: How do you *know*??
STACY: (looking uncomfortable) Well, um, I don't... but she wouldn't...
SANDI: I don't want to hear about *Quinn* anymore. *Okay*?
(Stacy bows her head and nods. Meanwhile, the mention of "Quinn" has sent
Brittany into a trembling rage.)
BRITTANY: Arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!! (runs off)
(Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany watch her go.)
TIFFANY: God, *again*??
STACY: That's the fifth time today.
SANDI: She's probably as sick of hearing about Quinn as *I* am. (Bt) *God*, I promote
you two, and this is the *thanks* I get? Boredom??
STACY: (rare bu
rst of anger) But you didn't promote *me*! I'm still the *secretary*!
SANDI: Oh. Right. (Bt) Well it's *probably* 'cause you've been so
*annoying*, going off about *Quinn* and other stupid stuff. Get *over* it,
(She turns away and picks up the gift of perfume Brittany gave her. Opens
the box, gives the bottle a sniff. Suddenly Stacy mumbles something barely
audible. Sandi whirls around and glares at her.)
STACY: (cowering) Nothing.
(As Sandi turns away, she leans toward Tiffany.)
STACY: (hushed) I wish Quinn was here, now.
TIFFANY: (hushed) So do I.
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (the school gym, next afternoon)
(Close-up shot of Brittany hiding behind the bleachers, watching the
cheerleaders practice. She looks downcast -- not only does she hate not
being on the cheerleading team, but she senses that she's not making too
good an impression on the Fashion Club. Cut to shot of the cheerleaders.
Quinn, once again, is struggling to do a cheer, looking extremely
embarrassed. The other cheerleaders watch her with expressions that strain
to be encouraging.)
QUINN: Well... um... *tah-dah*! (ends the cheer with a weak flourish)
ANGIE: Um... that was good, Quinn.
SHANA: Yeah. Really... really good.
(Pause. Cut to shot of Brittany.)
BRITTANY: (to herself. fuming) *Really* good?!! She's *awful*!! She
can't do a handspring, her cupies aren't *cupy* enough, and her herkies are
too *jerky*! She gives *pom-pom* a bad name!
(Cut to shot of Quinn and the cheerleaders.)
QUINN: Want me to do it again?
CHEERLEADERS: No! No, that's okay...
(Suddenly, from offscreen: )
(She runs up to the cheerleaders, and before we know it, she's doing a
cheer with dance moves so athletic and complex that the entire cast of
"RENT" would be put to shame. Cue music from Geri Halliwell's "Look at
Me." [again, courtesy of Danny Bronstein] Slow-motion shot of Brittany
doing a backflip, her hair defying gravity. Cut to slo-mo shot of her
spinning in an endless cartwheel. Cut to shot of Quinn, her mouth dropping
open. *No* one besides the other cheerleaders knew Brittany was *that*
good. Cut to shot of Brittany landing gracefully in a split, like a bird
coming down from flight. She leaps up and starts to do a number of kicks
and spins, "Lord of the Dance"-style. Looks at Quinn all the while,
smirking a wicked, un-Brittany-like smirk. Quinn presses her lips
together. Cut to shot of the other cheerleaders, spellbound by the moves.
At last, Brittany finishes her cheer with a flourish, doing a double
cartwheel and a backflip, so that she lands right in front of Quinn. Gets
in her face.)
BRITTANY: You *see*?! *That's* how it's done!!
(The cheerleaders burst out applauding.)
CHEERLEADERS: (elated) Wow, Brittany!!/ That was amazing!!/ You're
QUINN: (trying to sound civil) Yes, very nice, Brittany.
(Brittany smirks the wicked smirk again.)
BRITTANY: (faux gracious. twirling a lock of hair) Gee, Quinn, I'd teach
ya if I had time. But I'm *so* busy with the Fashion Club, picking out the
right pants to match sweater-vests an' stuff.
QUINN: (faux gracious. through gritted teeth) That's all right, Brittany.
BRITTANY: Well I'd better go coordinate something. *See* ya! (she darts off)
(Quinn watches her go with a sullen expression.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jake, and Helen sitting at the
table. Daria and Jake are doing their usual paper-reading. Helen's
watching Quinn, who's chatting on the phone offscreen. She wears an
QUINN: (offscreen. slightly peevish) Yes... yes... yes it *was* a really
cool thing that Brittany did today. Yes I *too* wish she'd rejoin the
team. Anyway, there's nothing we can do about it now. (Bt. affectionate)
Shana, I *gotta* go, but remember: if you need me, I'm just a pager-beepaway at Chez
Pierre. (Bt) Who loves ya? (Pause) Bye! (hangs up)
inn, I need t--
QUINN: (rushed) Here's the phone, Mom. (thrusts it into her hands) Gotta
get ready for my date tonight with Skylar -- don't wait up! (starts to
HELEN: Quinn, *stop*.
(Quinn stops and looks at her with a pleading expression.)
QUINN: Mo-om! If this is about the Big Game next weekend -- nothing
personal! I just don't want you an' Dad an' certain *other* people coming
and humiliating me in front of my friends an' the football players an' the
stadium an' --
HELEN: (firm) *Quinn*. (Bt) Sit down.
(Quinn rolls her eyes and does so grudgingly. Daria and Jake lower their
HELEN: Sweetie, today my secretary told me she got a call from one of your
JAKE: Now why don't *I* ever get called??
HELEN: Jake, *please*!! (Bt. to Quinn) She said he told her that your
grades in class had *vastly* improved --
JAKE: Quinn's *improving*?!
DARIA: (disbelief) At school?
HELEN: *Yes*. (Bt) Or she *was*, anyway, until recently. Now her grades
are dropping below what they were *before* she improved. (Bt) Quinn,
would you mind *explaining* yourself??
(Quinn rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)
QUINN: Mo-om! There's nothing *to* explain! (Bt) It was that fathead
*Phelps* guy who called, wasn't it?? A few *lucky* grades an' the man
thinks I've turned over a new leaf! *Wrong*.
HELEN: (not persuaded) Quinn, did all this start after you joined
QUINN: No-o! I'm *telling* you, I'm doing *just* as well as I always
have. (Bt) Okay, so maybe cheerleading *does* create some extra pressure
in my life, but it's nothing I can't handle. (Bt) Now if you don't mind,
I'm going upstairs. (stands up)
HELEN: Quinn, we're *not* through --
(Quinn's eyes narrow.)
QUINN: (with unusual hardness) *Yes*. We are. The subject is closed,
HELEN: But --
QUINN: But *nothing*. (stalks away)
(Pause. Helen purses her lips together and glares after her. Daria sees
DARIA: (thought voice-over. to Quinn) If I were you, I'd start writing a
song. A really *good* one.
(Helen sighs and cocks a resigned eyebrow.)
HELEN: Well maybe she's just feeling pressured because the Big Game's
coming up. She'll *probably* focus more on school afterward.
(Daria frowns and rolls her eyes, annoyed that Quinn can get away with
disrespecting their mom and *she* can't.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (Quinn's room, a short time later)
(Close-up shot of Quinn posing in front of the mirror, nearly dressed to go
out. She looks pleased with what she sees. In the background, we see her
door open and shut, and Daria walking in. Quinn looks at her through the
QUINN: Could you try *knocking*??
(Daria walks up and stands beside her.)
DARIA: If I had, would I have made it this far?
(Quinn pauses to consider, then shrugs a reply.)
DARIA: (sees Quinn's not wearing her glasses.) So you're choosing the
*two-eyed* look tonight.
QUINN: Hey, *just* because I wear glasses now doesn't mean I have to wear
them *all* the time.
DARIA: True. (Bt) And when you *do* wear glasses, you just act like
they're of no use to you.
QUINN: What d' you *mean*? (Bt. suspicious) Are you gonna start harping
on me about my grades the way Mom was earlier??
(Daria cocks an eyelid)
DARIA: I guess not. (Bt) Since it's obvious you could care less about
QUINN: *Hmph*... (Daria's remark doesn't sit well with her. Bt) So why
*are* you here??
DARIA: I don't know. (Bt) I guess 'cause a certain person asked me to
appeal to your sense of decency.
(Quinn spins around and looks at her.)
QUINN: Omigod -- it wasn't *Brittany*, was it?? (chuckles) 'Cause if
*so*, you can tell her I got elected fair 'n square an' no amount of
*twirling* around's gonna get her back her position so *quit* being such a
big *baby* about it.
DARIA: Actually --
QUINN: An' *while* you're at it, tell her that she can *keep* Kevin 'cause
I don't *want* Kevin -- who *would* want Kevin, other than a total *loser*?
DARIA: (a bit flat) It wasn't Brittany. (Bt) Anyway, I don't think
anything I say to you would work. You're too happy where you are --
popular, always on the phone, with dates every night... (turns as if to go)
QUINN: (also flat) You make it sound like a bad thing. (Bt) But that's
how it's *always* been with me.
(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Yeah, I know. (Bt) But I was hoping for something more.
(Beat. Quinn glowers at her.)
QUINN: More *what*? What are you, my *keeper*?? (Bt) Look, would you
just *leave* an' let me get ready?
DARIA: Fine. (starts to go. then looks at Quinn's outfit and does a
double-take.) You're not wearing *that* old thing, are you?
(Quinn rolls her eyes.)
QUINN: *Very* funny.
DARIA: I'm serious. You're dates've already seen you in that. (Quinn's
face grows pale.) Your wardrobe must be in major need of an overhaul if
even *I'm* noticing. (Bt) When's the last time you've been clothes
(Quinn now looks pale and horrified. Can't stand, has to sit on the bed.)
DARIA: Don't tell me you haven't shopped since you became head cheerleader.
QUINN: Oh... my... God.
(Pause. Daria smirks.)
DARIA: Whoops. (Bt) Y' know, maybe *now's* the time to consider early
QUINN: I'm *not* gonna quit cheerleading!
DARIA: (surprised) You'd do it even if it messed with your number one passion?
QUINN: Of *course* I would. There's nothing else for me to do --
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: Quinn, there're *lots* of things you could do.
QUINN: But nothing that's as good! What -- join the math brigade or the
French club or... *taxidermy*?? (shudders)
DARIA: So nothing satisfies you like cheerleading? (Bt) Do you even
*know* how to cheer, yet?
QUINN: (embarrassed) Um, I'm working on it.
DARIA: (smirking) Right. (Bt) And I s'pose the other cheerleaders just
love watching you stumble around, making an idiot of yourself *and* the
(Quinn glares at her.)
QUINN: (through gritted teeth) They've been *very* encouraging, actually.
DARIA: Ooh, I'll bet. (Bt) But don't expect it to last.
DARIA: When the Big Game comes, you won't be performing in front of some
middling crowd. (Bt) The whole school'll watch you fall on your ass.
(Quinn looks pale and worried.)
DARIA: (continuing) And when *that* happens, don't be surprised if your
"friends" start sharpening their knives.
QUINN: (freaked) But they *can't*! They can't get rid of me! I've done
*everything* for them!
DARIA: Except your main job requirement -- cheer.
QUINN: (defensive) Hey, I can learn to cheer.
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: In a week? Quinn, don't even bother.
QUINN: What, you don't think I *can*??
DARIA: You haven't done much to prove otherwise.
QUINN: Oh *yeah*?! (The humiliation Brittany put her through this
afternoon comes roaring back to her. She makes fists and waves them in the
air, and speaks with a ferocity that's rare even for her.) Well if I have
to learn to cheer then, *dammit*, I will! I'll be the best *freakin'* head
cheerleader they've ever had. (Bt) And I *won't* let myself get cheered
down by some *bimbo*!
(Pause. Daria blinks, surprised by Quinn's tone.)
DARIA: You're really serious?
QUINN: *Yes*, I'm serious.
(Pause. Daria sighs and cocks and eyelid.)
DARIA: All right, then I have two words for you: good luck.
(Quinn returns her gaze with a determined stare.)
END OF ACT TWO
[Shot of Brittany ending her cheer with a flourish, right in front of Quinn.]
***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
1) "The Man Show" promo. Ack, I saw it: men guzzling beer, busty women
clinging to poles. It's all part of an attempt by Comedy Central to woo
the elusive 18-34 year-old male viewer. Comedy Central --why, *why*?? You
were always so good to me! And surely most 18-34 year-old men have better
taste. If not, God help us all...
2) One of those commercials where the babies talk in cutsy little-kid
voices and act like adults. They're usually for Pampers, or baby food.
Who thought it'd be better for people to see babies acting like adults
rather than like babies? Probably someone who doesn't have kids...
3) If I see *one* more commercial in which a millionaire athlete acts like
an ordinary Joe, I'll swear off pro sports faster than you can say
***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, the next morning)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the mirrors in Quinn's room. She
walks up to them, dressed in a cute sweat outfit, and looks at herself
QUINN: How hard can it be to cheer? *Anyone* can do it. All you gotta do
is... (shakes her arms in pom-pom waving gestures) and... (starts kicking
her legs from side to side. then hops around a little) See? No prob--
agh! (trips and falls on her rear end)
(Pause. Quinn's dazed for a second. She then wilts a little and looks at
herself in the mirror. Notices her glasses are crooked, and angrily yanks
QUINN: *Stupid* things've been getting in my way. (tosses them onto the
bed. looks at herself again, then grows pale.) Agh! (puts a hand to her
forehead, looks at it, sees that it's wet and glistening. looks at herself
in the mirror again, defeated.) Huhhhhhh...
(Then, suddenly, an idea occurs to her. Quinn fingers her hair, looks into
QUINN: (thoughtful) Hmmm...
(fade-out. This begins the second montage to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba.)
(Fade-in to shot of Quinn's mirror again. She bounces up to it, this time
with her hair done up in a stylish, split-end resistant braid, a sweatband
on her forehead, her glasses off, and a determined frown. She proceeds to
practice the cheers.)
(Cut to shot of the upstairs hallway. Daria's walking down it when,
suddenly, she stops and looks on with wonder. We see Quinn coming at her
in what looks like a cartwheel. It ends up in disaster, and Quinn crashes
in a heap at Daria's feet. Daria smirks.)
(Cut to shot of the school hallway. Quinn's at her locker, still in her
cheerleading mode -- she's hopping around and making little gestures.
Suddenly we see the Fashion Club and Brittany walk past. [Because Brittany
buys such nice gifts, Sandi's decided to let her tag along for a while.]
The F.C.'s are admiring Brittany's new, *very* stylish, outfit. Quinn
halts abruptly as they walk past, her enthusiasm fading. Then she frowns,
more determined than ever, and continues practicing.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting in the front passenger seat of her date's
car, while he -- Shawn from "The New Kid" -- drives. Quinn's making little
cheering gestures. Shawn starts to ask her what she's doing, when she
mouths a "Quiet, Shawn" at him and keeps on gesturing.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn coming out of math class, looking at the latest grade
on her quiz and wearing a frustrated expression. She finally crumples up
the quiz and tosses it into the nearest garbage can.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn doing cheerleading moves in front of the mirror
again. This time, she's *much* better.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn showing off her moves to the other cheerleaders.
They watch her with elation and approval.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (rally in the gym, the day before the Big Game)
(Shot of the inside of the gym. The musical montage ends with Quinn doing
a perfect double-cartwheel across the gym floor. She lands gracefully in
front of the other cheerleaders, and proceeds to lead them, move-by-move,
through a complex cheer. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, sitting in the
farthest corner of the bleachers, watching.)
JANE: (awed) I'll be damned...
(Daria's too amazed to speak.)
(Cut to shot of Brittany and the F.C.'s, watching. Stacy looks elated,
Tiffany impressed, Sandi's trying not to look impressed,and Brittany looks
*depressed* that Quinn got so good so fast.)
BRITTANY: (lip trembling) Mmm-mmm-mmm...
(Cut to shot of Quinn and the other cheerleaders ending in a flourish.
Quinn stands up, smirks triumphantly, and takes a bow. Then she and the
other cheerleaders sit down in seats near the podium at the front of the
room. Ms. Li approaches the podium and claps her hands together briskly
MS. LI: Excellent job, ladies, excellent job. You *all* reflect the
supremacy of Laaaaaaaawndale High. (Bt) Now let's hope you can do as
well tomorrow when our boys face off against those *cretins* from
Cumberland. And remember -- we're there to win, *win*, WIN!!!
(The audience cheers. Ms. Li puts up a hand.)
MS. LI: And on a final note -- (suddenly looks closely at the
cheerleaders' ice blue uniforms. frowns with suspicion.) *Wait* a
minute... are those *new* uniforms??! I don't remember authorizing any
wardrobe purchases! All of you -- *dismissed*. (waves a hand) I have to
go check our budget report... (quickly leaves)
(Quinn chuckles nervously as most of the students stand up and start
filtering out of the gym. Meanwhile, she and the other cheerleaders remain
behind. Several students come over to congratulate them, especially Quinn.
The other cheerleaders also turn to her and express their approval.)
ANGIE: Quinn, we're so proud of you.
HEATHER: Yeah, you were really *good* out there!
(Quinn stands up and flips her braid non-chalantly.)
QUINN: (chipper) It was nothing. Those cartwheel thingys were even kind
(Suddenly Brittany and the Fashion Club appear behind her.)
STACY: Great job, Quinn!
(Quinn turns to look at them.)
BRITTANY: (sulky. begrudging) Yeah, really great.
QUINN: (surprised) Um... thanks.
SANDI: Yes, it was all right. (Bt) Although her underwear wasn't s'posed
to show like that through the *whole* performance, was it, Brittany?
BRITTANY: (realizing. guileless) You're right! It wasn't.
(This statement is met with mild laughter from the crowd. Quinn rolls her
QUINN: (irritated) Gee, *thanks* for the feedback, guys. I'll keep it in
mind tomorrow. (Bt. faux sweet) Ooh, and Brittany, I've got some advice
QUINN: You should wear *flats* or sandals with Capri pants, *not* ankle
boots. (Bt) *Funny*, Sandi, that you'd let someone into the Fashion Club
who commits so many fashion *don'ts*.
(Brittany presses her lips together, looking irritated. Meanwhile, the
crowd has grown, and we can see Jodie, Daria, and Jane watching. The
cheerleaders glance at each other. They sense there's a brawl on the
horizon, but aren't sure whether to intervene. Sandi cocks an annoyed
eyebrow at Quinn.)
SANDI: (haughty) Brittany is in *training* to become a Fashion Club
member. She still has a *lot* to learn.
QUINN: (flaring up at her) Well I don't see you cutting that much slack
for *other* people.
SANDI: (catching the hidden meaning) Other people *know* the fashion
rules, so any violation on their part is a *crime*.
QUINN: If that's *so*, couldn't you at least *replace* that person with
someone *else* who knows fashion?!
BRITTANY: Hey, *I* know fashion!
QUINN: Like hell, you do!
BRITTANY: (fully ticked-off) Mmmmmmmmm!!! (Bt) Well you smarty-marty
pants head cheerleader, *you're* one to talk!
QUINN: What d' you mean?? You *heard* what Ms. Li said -- about us being
BRITTANY: *Yeah*, but she doesn't know the most *important* part of being
a cheerleader -- doing the splits. I haven't seen you do one of *those*,
(Pause. Quinn looks a bit nervous, but tries to act non-chalant.)
QUINN: (scoffing) A split's not *that* important.
BRITTANY: Oh *really*? Every head cheerleader for years an' years an'
*years*'s known how to do the splits. (to the other cheerleaders) Right,
(Quinn looks at them. Slowly, the cheerleaders nod.)
BRITTANY: Don't tell me *you* can't do one.
(As she says this, she slides gracefully into a split. For a few seconds,
she sits there with her arms triumphantly outspread. Then gravity proves
too much for her -- she falls over on her face. Quinn smirks at her.)
QUINN: I could do a better split than *that*.
SANDI: (as Brittany's picking herself up) You *can*? Well then why not
*show* us if you're so *good*.
QUINN: All... right. (Pause) *Fine*. I will.
(Meanwhile, Jodie's become fed-up with this immature face-off. She rolls
her eyes and leaves. Jane turns to Daria.)
JANE: (hushed) *Does* she know how to do the splits?
(Quinn stands with her legs a short distance apart, looking like she
doesn't quite know what to do. Sandi smirks an "I told you so." Brittany
looks triumphant as well. Everyone else waits expectantly.)
SANDI: (to Quinn) Well what're you *waiting* for?
QUINN: Just give me a second!
(She starts sliding her legs apart. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, stunned.)
DARIA: My God, she's doing it...
(Then they wince violently, as if witnessing a car crash. The rest of the
crowd gasps, then applauds. Cut to shot of Quinn. She's doing the splits,
but the shaky smirk on her face barely conceals the fact that she's in
QUINN: (unnaturally high) You see?? (Bt) Well, that's it. I don't want
to make you guys late for class, so why don't you all go? Go on, now.
(People hesitate for a moment, then most shrug and start to walk away.
Among the departing are Brittany and the Fashion Club. Sandi's glowering,
irritated at being beaten. Brittany sags forward, looking defeated and
somewhat chastened. Stacy acts hesitant to leave Quinn, but goes anyway.
Meanwhile, the cheerleaders remain fixed in their places.)
QUINN: (to the cheerleaders) You guys go on. Don't be late. (her smirk
SHANA: You sure you d-- ?
(The cheerleaders nod and slowly leave. Soon the only people left are
Daria and Jane. They turn away, in case Quinn meant for them to go, too.
Quinn spies them.)
QUINN: Daria?? Daria, help me!
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, that evening)
(Shot of outside. Offscreen voice-over: )
(Cut to shot of the living room. Quinn's lying on the center couch with
some big ice bags between her legs. Daria, Helen, and Jake are standing
around her. They've been tending to her needs and listening to her whine.)
QUINN: It hurts! It huuuuuurts!!!
JAKE: (to Daria. hushed) Wow, I didn't think you could *pull* that many
DARIA: Mix can-do spirit with a heaping dose of *ego*, and you'll get many
HELEN: (to Quinn. weary. pacifying) Now sweetie, *calm* down.
QUINN: Nooooooooo!!! I'm dying!!!
JAKE: (to Quinn) It's okay, baby, cry all you want. Daddy's not gonna
make you repress your emotions like *his* father did when *he* was young.
(eyes bulge) Boy do *I* remember --!!!
QUINN: Da-aaaaaad!!! No one CARES about your stupid FATHER!!!
JAKE: (a little stunned) Oh. Sorry, sweetie.
(Quinn continues to sob. Helen pats her shoulder.)
HELEN: (crooning) There, there, sweetheart... you just need a *good* long
rest and you'll be feeling better in no time.
DARIA: Rest? But what about the Big Game tomorrow?
HELEN: Well *obviously* she can't go.
(Quinn quickly stifles her tears.)
QUINN: *Can't* go?? But I *have* to go!
HELEN: Now, Quinn, don't be silly.
QUINN: But I'm um-um... feeling better already. See? (tries to sit up,
but winces a little and sinks back down.)
HELEN: (firm) Quinn, I know you've been looking forward to cheering in the
Big Game, but I'm afraid I'll have to forbid it. You're in *no* shape to
go out tomorrow.
(Quinn looks beseechingly at Jake.)
JAKE: And I'm, um, afraid I have to go with your mother on this one, honey.
(Quinn turns to Daria.)
DARIA: Don't look at me.
QUINN: *Dammit*!!! You're *all* against me! *All* of you!!! (makes fists
and hits the couch with them.)
HELEN: Quinn... (gives up trying to reason with her, and instead, beholds
her intense response with a mystified expression. finally heaves a big
sigh.) Never mind, we'll talk some more later. (Bt) Daria? Could I see
you alone for a minute?
DARIA: I assume "no"'s not a valid response?
(Helen shakes her head, then nods toward the kitchen. She and Daria leave
Quinn still sobbing and Jake looking over her. Once in the kitchen: )
HELEN: Look, I have to be honest. I'm starting to feel like this
cheerleading business isn't good for Quinn.
DARIA: Starting? My feeling's nearly run a 10K.
HELEN: (continuing) And I'll continue to insist that she not go to the Big
Game. (Bt. cocks an eyebrow) But you know as well as *I* do that Quinn
does what she wants.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid. resigned) No arguments, here.
HELEN: And so I'm hoping that if she *does* somehow make it to the game,
you'll be there to keep an eye on her.
DARIA: You really think *I* can do anything?
HELEN: Of *course* you can. (Bt) Just try to make sure she doesn't hurt
herself, all right?
(Beat. Daria sighs.)
DARIA: (weary) Sure. (Bt) But I hope this doesn't mean *I'm* to blame if
something does go wrong...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, the next morning)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn's door as seen from the inside.
It's slightly ajar. Through the crack, we see Daria walking down the hall,
dressed in her pajamas. She stops, peers through the door, and blinks with
astonishment. Cut to her POV: We see Quinn's bed, the covers drawn back
and a couple of ice bags strewn about. The cheerleading stuff which was
hanging nearby is missing, and Quinn herself is nowhere to be seen. Resume
shot of Daria. Her face takes on a deadpan expression.)
DARIA: Surprise, surprise...
(fade-out. fade-into: )
SCENE 5 (Cumberland High football field, around noon)
(Overhead shot: We can see that the stands are already pretty packed, and
that it's nearly game time. The football players from both teams are being
revved up by their coaches on the sidelines. The cheerleaders are also on
the sidelines, warming up. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, walking toward
the stands. They stop to observe Quinn, who's giving instructions to the
DARIA: Well, there she is.
JANE: Ooh, she looks *bad*.
(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's perfectly done-up in her cheerleader's
uniform, but her face is pale and haggard, as if she hasn't slept. She
talks to the cheerleaders in a voice that strains to sound enthusiastic,
but nevertheless has an edge.)
DARIA: (offscreen) I'll say.
(Finally Quinn finishes her speech and the other cheerleaders disperse.
She stands there, ramrod straight, teetering like a straw in the breeze.
Daria and Jane go over to her.)
(Quinn jerks her head around. Her mouth trembles, but she looks defiant.)
QUINN: Leave me *alone*, Daria! I'm staying at the game.
DARIA: Okay, fine. But let me give you some advice.
DARIA: Pull up your shirt. Your bra strap is showing.
(Quinn looks down abruptly and takes Daria's advice. Daria shakes her head
and walks away, with Jane following.)
JANE: So you're not gonna stop her?
DARIA: How? Drug her and smuggle her home in a laundry bag? (Bt)
Besides, she looks like she'll collapse after the first few plays. I'll
wait 'til then.
JANE: 'Kay. Let's go find seats...
(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jodie sitting in the middle section of the
bleachers. We see Brittany approaching hesitantly. Jodie looks up at her.)
JODIE: (slightly peeved) Why aren't you with your Fashion Club pals?
(Brittany flops down beside her.)
BRITTANY: I don't think I wanna hang out with them anymore, Jodie. It's
not that they're *not* nice, but I'm tired of only caring about clothes an'
hair an' make-up. (Bt) Did you know they're *afraid* of exercise???
JODIE: (can't keep from smiling) Really?
BRITTANY: Yeah. They think walking to *school's* a big deal!
JODIE: That sounds pretty extreme.
BRITTANY: Uh-huh. (Bt) And it's not just that. I also don't think I
like myself when I'm with them. I feellike a really *icky* mean person.
JODIE: (comprehending murmur) Hmmm...
BRITTANY: 'Specially yesterday, when I got in that fight with Quinn. I
shouldn't've *said* that stuff to her about not knowing how to do the
splits. *Lots* of people don't.
JODIE: Is that so?
BRITTANY: Yeah. (Bt) I mean, maybe Quinn really *does* deserve to be
head cheerleader. She's *really* smart, an' she can even do splits without
falling over or anything!
JODIE: (surprised) So wait... you're saying you'd be willing to walk away
and leave Quinn to be head cheerleader? After all you've been through?
BRITTANY: I guess so.
JODIE: But what'll you do?
BRITTANY: I'm not sure. (Bt) My stepmom's set me up with some modeling
jobs, so I guess that's good enough for now.
(Jodie shakes her head, smiling.)
JODIE: Yeah, you'll survive. (Bt. looks down at the sidelines. furrows
her brow.) Only I can't say the same for Quinn. She doesn't look so
(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's standing in the same ramrod position as she
was before. Shana comes up to her.)
SHANA: (concerned) Quinn, are you feeling all right?
QUINN: (clipped) I'm fine. Why?
SHANA: Well, you look sort of pale.
(Quinn tries to laugh it off)
QUINN: Oh, that's just because I didn't sleep much. Too excited about the
SHANA: Oh. (Bt) So you wanna come and lead the rest of us in our first
(Pause. Quinn tries to think of a good excuse. She can't, and wilts a
QUINN: Oh... uh... I'm still a little tired. Why don't you do it... an'
I'll join you later?
(Shana looks at her with concern and perhaps a glimmer of disappointment.)
SHANA: All right. (leaves)
(Quinn looks even more gloomy as she watches her go.)
QUINN: (subdued) I'm sorry.
(She heaves a sigh. Pause. Then suddenly, from offscreen: )
JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Hi, Quinn!/ Hi, Quinn!/ Hi, Quinn!
(They appear in front of her, grinning and in uniform. Quinn can barely
look pleased to see them.)
QUINN: Hi, guys.
JOEY: Would ya wish us luck before the game starts?
JEFFY: How 'bout a kiss?
JAMIE: You can plant one right *here*. (offers her a cheek)
QUINN: Ewww! Get *away* from me! I feel sick.
(Beat. The 3 J's glance at each other, concerned.)
JOEY: You're sick, Quinn?
JEFFY: You wanna sit down?
JAMIE: You wanna *lie* down?
(They reach toward her. Quinn shakes them off.)
QUINN: No! Don't *touch* me! I'll be all right, just leave me alone!
(The 3 J's look at each other again, hesitant. Finally they shrug and run
off. Quinn watches them go, looking even more remorseful than she did
before. Pause. Suddenly, we hear another voice offscreen: )
STACY: (timid) Um, hi Quinn.
(Quinn turns to look at her, surprised.)
(Pause. Stacy approaches sheepishly.)
STACY: Um, I just wanted to tell you that you look really nice in your
(Pause. Quinn searches for sarcasm in her remark. Doesn't find any.)
QUINN: You do?
STACY: Yeah. That shade of blue goes really well with your hair.
(Pause. Again, Quinn waits for some nasty barb to accompany the
compliment. Doesn't get any. Smiles a small, grateful smile.)
QUINN: Thanks, Stacy.
(Stacy smiles timidly in return.)
STACY: You're welcome. (Bt) Well, I'd better be getting back. Good
luck. (waves, and leaves.)
(Quinn waves, too, then gets a depressed look on her face.)
(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Sandi and Tiffany sitting in the stands.
Sandi's looking down and glowering, while Tiffany looks slightly peeved
SANDI: *God*, could these bleachers be any more *disgusting*?? They're
*probably* ruining the back of my *halter* dress.
TIFFANY: I didn't build them, Sandi.
SANDI: And where's *Stacy*, anyway??
TIFFANY: Do I look like her keeper, or something?
(Sandi glares at her.)
SANDI: What's *your* problem??
SANDI: Ever since I promoted you, all I've been getting is *attitude*.
It's like the power's gone to your head or *something*.
TIFFANY: I'm just stating my opinions, Sandi.
SANDI: Yeah?? Well who says I *wanted* them??
TIFFANY: (slightly irritated) Gee, Sandi, I guess I thought since you
promoted me, you were interested in having a *different* kind of working
SANDI: *What* kind of working relationship??
TIFFANY: One where we... um... (too reluctant to spit out the words.)
SANDI: Maybe *you* were interested in a different relationship. (Bt) I
was *fine* with the way things were.
(Pause. Tiffany glowers and doesn't respond. Suddenly Stacy reappears and
sits down beside them.)
STACY: Hi, you guys. Don't the cheerleaders look *cute* today?
SANDI: (snarling) We are *not* talking about Quinn!!!
(Stacy goes pale in the face of Sandi's megabitch tone. Then she and
Tiffany exchange irritated frowns. fade-out.)
(Fade-in to close-up shot of the scoreboard, revealing the passage of a
little more than an hour. The game is close, and it's nearly halftime.
Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Jane's into the game, while Daria looks
bored and distracted.)
JANE: (best announcer imitation) The game is *close*, folks. It's
*Cumberland* up by less than a *touchdown* over Lawndale. Lawndale has
*one* more shot to get ahead before we break for *halftime*. Will this be
Kevin Thompson's *finest* hour?? Will he drive his team from their own
*thirty*?? Daria? What d' you think?
DARIA: (peevish) Knock it off. You know I don't go for this football crap.
JANE: Okay, okay. (Bt) You looking at Quinn?
DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) I can't believe she's still standing.
(Jane looks, frowns.)
JANE: Geez, yeah. I don't think *drill sergeants* have that much stamina.
DARIA: Wish I could say that means she's feeling well...
(Cut to shot of Quinn. More than an hour in the sun hasn't been good to
her. She looks pale and worn-out, not to mention depressed -- she hasn't
participated in a single cheer. Suddenly Angie comes up to her.)
ANGIE: Quinn! Before our last play, the girls 'n I are gonna do the
pyramid to rally the crowd. Are you in?
(Pause. Finally Quinn takes a deep breath and nods.)
(Quinn glances briefly at her glasses, which are lying on a nearby bench.
She considers whether to put them on, then decides against it. Walks
slowly and stiffly toward the other cheerleaders, who are grouping together
to form the base of the pyramid. Quinn's going to be the pinnacle. Cut to
shot of Daria and Jane, noticing this.)
JANE: What's she doing?
(Beat. Daria's eyes widen.)
DARIA: She's gonna do the pyramid.
(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's ever-so-slowly climbing up the backs of the
other cheerleaders, wincing all the while. She then stands shakily on two
girls' shoulders. All of the cheerleaders in the pyramid raise themselves
up, until Quinn's standing nearly ten feet off the ground. For several
seconds, Quinn is sure she's going to fall over, and she stays in a
crouched position. Then, once she realizes she's defying gravity, she
slowly straightens up, letting her awe of the experience overtake her
discomfort. She tentatively spreads her pom-poms in the air. Cut to shot
of Daria and Jane.)
JANE: Well look at that. (Bt) You think she might faint?
DARIA: If she does, at least there's an ambulance in the parking lot.
(Cut to shot of the pyramid. We hear the crowd cheer loudly at the sight
of it. Quinn spreads her arms even further apart, a full-fledged smirk on
her face. The approval, combined with the floating sensation, give her a
feeling of elation.)
(Meanwhile, cut to shot of the football field. The time out which the
Lions took is over, and Kevin is now about to execute the last play of the
half. He's cornered by two big defensive lineman, who provide him with no
choice but to throw a Hail Mary pass to the end zone. Unfortunately, this
being *Kevin*, his pass is in no way successful. It flies *way* off it's
mark, over to the sidelines, toward the pyramid. We hear shouts from the
crowd, "Look out!")
(Cut to shot of the pyramid. Quinn and the other cheerleaders turn to look. Even if
Quinn were wearing her glasses, it's doubtful she'd see the ball
soon enough to get out of the way. The ball knocks loose one of her
pom-poms, sending her off-balance. For a few seconds Quinn wobbles back
and forth, then falls backward. The crowd gasps. We see that her fall is
broken up only slightly by the other cheerleaders. She hits the ground and
lies there in a stupor.)
(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Like the rest of the crowd, they've leapt
to their feet. Daria's so shocked she can't even cry out. Cut to shot of
Jodie and Brittany. Both are also stunned. Brittany claps a hand to her
mouth. Cut to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. Even Sandi's in shock.)
(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's now dazed and moaning, and clutching her
right arm. The other cheerleaders, unharmed, and some of the football
players are gathering around her.)
ANGIE: Quinn! Quinn, say something!
QUINN: Ughhh... ughhhhhh... so... embarrassing.....
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, early evening)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn's room. Quinn's lying in bed,
looking pale and half-asleep. Her right arm is in a cast, and although we
can't see it, she's got ice bags between her legs again. Helen and Daria
are standing over her. Helen looks cross and insistent.)
HELEN: ... You're lucky that's *all* you broke! (Bt) Quinn, as soon as
you're up and around you're *quitting* the cheerleading team! Do you hear
(Quinn lifts her head briefly from the pillow and gazes at her mom with an
uncomprehending expression. Doesn't respond. Daria turns to Helen.)
DARIA: Mom, I think you'd better let me pull out the big guns.
(Helen, seeing that she isn't getting anywhere with Quinn, sighs and nods.)
HELEN: All right. (she leaves them alone)
(Pause. After she's gone, Quinn shows some signs of life.)
QUINN: (feeble, but resolute) I'm not quitting.
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Plan to hold out 'til you're in traction?
(Pause. Quinn's expression is sober. She doesn't respond.)
DARIA: (concerned) Quinn, why're you doing this to yourself? I mean
what're you trying to prove?
(Pause. Daria waits for a reply, then decides to try again.)
DARIA: Okay, so maybe the answer's obvious. But humor me.
(Quinn continues to lie there silently. The silence lasts so long that
Daria thinks she's not going to respond. Cocks an eyelid and turns to
leave. Then: )
QUINN: (feeble) Daria? (Bt) I know 'cause I wear glasses now you want
me to be some kind of brain.
(Pause. Daria looks at her and blinks a couple of times, stunned by her
bluntness and insight.)
QUINN: (reflective) I can't blame you, 'cause sometimes I think I wouldn't
mind being a brain. (Bt) I mean I kind of *like* getting good grades 'n
stuff. (Pause) But then I get scared that people at school'd stop liking
me, an' I'd be some loser nobody. (Bt) How d' *you* cope with that, Daria?
(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid. Because she can tell Quinn isn't trying to
demean her, she decides to respond seriously.)
DARIA: Me? (Bt) Not much.
QUINN: What d' you mean?
DARIA: I mean I'm happy enough with my own stuff that I don't *need* to
worry what others think of me.
QUINN: You mean that reading an' writing stuff you do?
QUINN: You have to be alone a lot to do that stuff, don't you?
DARIA: Well, being alone does help you think better. So yeah.
(Pause. Quinn looks sort of depressed by her words.)
QUINN: I don't like being alone. It's so... lonely. (Bt) No one to be
with but yourself. (Pause. worried) But what if you don't like yourself,
Daria? *I* don't always like myself.
DARIA: Neither do I. (Bt. smirks) *Myself*, I mean.
QUINN: But when I'm with other people, they, like, make me feel really
*good* about myself. They're always complimenting me an' asking me out an'
wanting my advice...
DARIA: Like the cheerleaders?
QUINN: Yeah. 'Cause I'm head cheerleader, the other girls treat me like
I'm *really* important. Even when I'm wearing my glasses. (Bt) An' all
the kids at school look up to me an' think I'm really cool. I don't want
that to stop.
DARIA: (comprehending. wearing a slight frown.) Hmmm...
QUINN: I think I like how *they* see me better than how *I* see me.
DARIA: I understand. (Bt) But hey, you know something? I bet if you
tried, you'd find that you're just as happy without all these people around
as you are with them.
QUINN: I *would*?
DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) I mean *try* being alone sometime. You might find
you like it. (Bt) You'd learn all kinds of cool stuff about yourself that
no outside person could ever know.
(Quinn's face brightens momentarily.)
QUINN: Really?? (Pause. then it falls. Suddenly she looks very tired,
and speaks in a weary, resigned tone.) I don't know... maybe you have.
But I don't know if I'd find anything cool... in me. I don't know if I'm
ready... to try that yet. Maybe... in a few years... but not.... (yawns
and blinks sleepily)
(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: (also resigned) So then you'll stick with cheerleading?
QUINN: Yeah... even though I don't like it that much... anymore. (Bt) It
was fun for a while, but it's too much work... an' jumping up an' down
really hurts (yawns) your hair.
DARIA: I see.
QUINN: The only club I liked... where I was popular... was the Fashion
Club, and... I can't get back in.... (closes her eyes)
DARIA: You feeling all right?
QUINN: Uh-huh. (Pause) Think my medicine's... starting to work.
(struggles to keep her eyes open, but it's a losing battle)
DARIA: Then I'll go away and let you rest.
QUINN: 'Kay. (Pause) Daria? Sorry... to disappoint... you. (she nods off)
(Daria watches her for a few seconds, wearing a resigned, yet sympathetic
expression. Although she realizes that Quinn won't change her ways, she at
least takes comfort in the fact that her sister does give a damn about what
she thinks. She decides that, for now, that's good enough. Daria walks
quietly to the door and leaves.)
(Cut to shot of her walking down the hall. From offscreen: )
HELEN: Daria? Could you give us a hand, please?
(Daria walks over to the stairs, looks down, and freezes. Cut to her POV.
The base of the stairs, as well as the living room and kitchen, are flooded
with concerned students. Helen and Jake stand amongst them. Helen looks
like she doesn't quite know what to do, while Jake is attempting to bond
with some of the football players. He's got his old military school photos
out. The football players eye him warily. Resume close-up of Daria.)
DARIA: (stunned) Um, it's a boy. (Pause. shakes her head.) I mean, I
(Cut to shot of Brittany standing at the base of the stairs, with Kevin,
Jodie, and Mack.)
BRITTANY: Daria, how's Quinn doing??
DARIA: Um, she's fine. (Bt) But if you want to see her, you'll have to
wait. She's asleep.
(The crowd murmurs comprehendingly, but makes no move to budge. Helen
takes a stab at being the good hostess.)
HELEN: So? Who wants something to drink?
(Her question is met with a loud chorus of "Me!"s, which nearly knocks her
to the ground. She wasn't expecting *that* large a response. Meanwhile,
cut to shot of the cheerleaders gathered around the righthand couch. They
HEATHER: So how're we gonna tell her?
(Angie shakes her head.)
ANGIE: I don't know, but we have to.
SHANA: Yeah. We've only been thinking about ourselves this whole time.
We have to do what's right for Quinn.
ANGIE: Watching her cheer's like watching a cute red sports car get
painted beige. It's awful, and it wasn't meant to be.
(The other cheerleaders nod. While this is going on, cut to shot of Sandi,
Stacy, and Tiffany on the other side of the room. Sandi looks at the other
F.C.'s and cocks an eyebrow.)
SANDI: My heart's not made of *stone*, all right??
(Stacy and Tiffany exchange encouraged glances.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (school hallway, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane walking Quinn to her locker on her
first day back -- Daria's doing this as a favor to Helen. Quinn walk
s stiffly and slowly, but without any obvious discomfort.)
DARIA: Can we *go*, now?
QUINN: Yes, yes! I'm not gonna fall *over*, or anything. (suddenly sees
her locker. face lights up.) Oh look! Who could've done *that*??
(She walks over. We see that her locker's surrounded by balloons and other
get-well mementos. Quinn eyes them appreciatively.)
QUINN: (chipper) Gosh, people can't seem to stop giving me things. Isn't
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah.
(She rolls her eyes, and Jane smirks sardonically. Suddenly we see
Brittany dart onscreen and engulf Quinn in a big hug. Because of her
injuries, Quinn can't keep from cringing.)
QUINN: Uh-uh... B-Brittany?
(Brittany draws back and starts twirling a lock of hair.)
BRITTANY: I've been worried sick about you the *whole* weekend!
QUINN: You *have*?
BRITTANY: Yeah. (Bt) That was a *really* awful thing that happened to
you on Saturday. It's something *all* cheerleaders fear. An' during the
whole time *I* was head cheerleader, I only saw it twice.
QUINN: Really? (Bt) What happened to the other girls?
BRITTANY: Well I just kinda learned how to suck boiled carrots through a
straw. (Bt) But when the other girl got hurt, I got all the cheerleaders
together an' we had a big talk about the *right* way to do a pyramid. (Bt)
It was working, 'til Kevvy's ball... (gestures sheepishly at Quinn's arm)
QUINN: But that wasn't the other cheerleaders' fault. They did everything
right. (Pause. surprised) Gosh, so *you* were the one who taught them
what to do?
BRITTANY: I guess so.
QUINN: (impressed, in spite of herself) That's really neat of you, Brittany.
BRITTANY: Thanks. (Bt) But I'm sure you'll do an even *better* job.
QUINN: Um... yeah. (eyes trail away uncomfortably)
QUINN: Aw hell. (Bt. sighs a big sigh.) Brittany, tell the other
cheerleaders that it was really great hanging out with them an' getting to
be head cheerleader an' all, but I quit.
BRITTANY: (eyes widening with disbelief) You do??
QUINN: Yeah. (Bt) Tell them I asked for *you* to take over the job again.
BRITTANY: (thrilled) Oooooooooooh!!! Thank you, thank you, *thank* you!!!
(grabs Quinn in such a tight hug that Quinn winces with pain)
QUINN: (breathless) Don't... mention it.
BRITTANY: You're the nicest person *ever*!!!
QUINN: Uh-huh... um, thanks. Now go on.
(Brittany releases her and runs off. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane have been
watching this scene with mild disbelief.)
JANE: (hushed) Wow, a selfless gesture from Quinn. Never thought I'd see
DARIA: Yeah. She just gave away her lifetime pass to popularity.
JANE: Say, do you think that means she'll --
DARIA: I wouldn't bet on it. (Bt) Besides, look who's headed this way.
(points down the hall)
(From offscreen: )
(We see Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany walk onscreen and gather around Quinn.
Daria and Jane move out of the way to make room, standing near the corner
of the hallway . Quinn gazes at the F.C.'s with astonishment and some
SANDI: (authoritative) Feeling better?
QUINN: Um, yeah.
SANDI: *Good*. 'Cause I have something to say. (Pause. Quinn's eyes
widen a little.) *Quinn*, seeing you flopped over on the ground like a
poor helpless *loser* has made me rethink your status with the *Fashion*
QUINN: It-it *has*?? I mean -- you *have*??
(Stacy and Tiffany glance at each other triumphantly. Daria and Jane
exchange skeptical looks.)
SANDI: No *former* member of the Fashion Club should be put in a position
where she *humiliates* herself like that. (Bt) And so, even though your
glasses are a fashion *don't*, I've decided to let you back in.
(Quinn's face lights up.)
QUINN: You *have??!!
STACY: Isn't that *great*, Quinn??
SANDI: *On* probation. (Bt) So as of today, you're officially *re-instated*.
(She reaches over to shake Quinn's hand, but sees it's partially covered by
the cast. Gives a curt nod, instead.)
QUINN: Sandi, I don't know what to say.
SANDI: You don't have to say anything. Your gratitude's enough. (Pause)
Only, there's *one* more thing.
SANDI: Since *Tiffany's* vice-president, now, you can't go back to your
old position. And I might make *Brooke* coordinating officer. So I'll
have to slide you in somewhere below Stacy.
(Beat. Quinn's joy fades a little. Stacy looks at Sandi with vague
concern. Daria nods slowly to Jane.)
QUINN: Oh really? (Bt) Um, what's below Stacy?
SANDI: I'm not sure. (Bt) Maybe the person who carries our clothes while
we're out shopping.
STACY: Now Sandi, um, maybe... (halts when she sees Sandi cock a
threatening eyebrow at her.)
QUINN: (trying to sound enthusiastic) No really, Stacy, that's okay. (Bt)
Thanks, Sandi. (Pause. realizes she's lucky to even be in the Fashion
Club. with more gratitude.) Thanks.
(Stacy and Tiffany glance at each other. Obviously this wasn't what Stacy
had in mind. As for Tiffany -- no way would she give up her position as
vice-president, but she didn't expect Quinn to be put so low on the totem
pole, either. They both decide to take the plunge and go with Plan B.)
STACY: Um, Sandi?
STACY: Um, actually, there's one thing you sort of forgot.
(Pause. Sandi cocks a brow expectantly.)
TIFFANY: We still haven't had our election. (Bt) For the presidency.
STACY: Um yeah. (Bt) Quinn got kicked out before Tiffany and I could
cast our votes.
SANDI: So *what*?
(Stacy and Tiffany look at her sheepishly. Suddenly Sandi gets it. Her
face grows pale.)
SANDI: What're you *saying*??!
(Quinn's watches them, her face slowly brightening. Meanwhile, Daria turns
DARIA: Well I think we know how this'll end up. (Bt) C'mon.
(She turns the corner and walks away. Jane follows with extreme reluctance.)
JANE: But don't you want to watch the *rest*??
DARIA: No. (Bt) I've seen enough backstabbing to last me a lifetime.
JANE: Or at least 'til the nighttime soaps. (Pause. shrugs) Well looks
like your sister's on top again. (Bt) Think not being head cheerleader'll
make her lose any admirers?
DARIA: Maybe. (Bt. cocks an amused, resigned eyelid.) But if I know
Quinn, she'll find a way to get them back.
(Suddenly, from offscreen: )
JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Hi Quinn!/ Hi Quinn!/ Hi Quinn!
[roll the credits.........................]
I spoke too soon when I said that "Andrea Speaks!" was my most difficult
fanfic to write -- "Cheered Down" takes the prize. The plotline gave me
endless headaches, mainly because there were *so* many possibilities to
work with. As you might have guessed from the Ten Spot Promo, I originally
envisioned this fic to be much campier. I mean, a fic with *cheerleaders*
-- how could you not have some fun? I had many silly little scenes
planned, but once I drew up an outline for the fic, I found that most would
not fit smoothly into the framework. So I had to get out the old
Even without these scenes, the outline for "Cheered Down" was still really
convoluted. For instance, I'd planned for the scene where Quinn's whining
about her splits injury to be the last one in Act *II*. I had also
envisioned a more proactive role for Daria; originally, she was going to
create a charter for a second Fashion Club and persuade Stacy and Tiffany
to join. But I soon saw that that'd take *way* too much time. Anyway, I
feel pleased with how things ended up in the final draft -- i.e. with Sandi
having a rare change of heart. I mean, why wouldn't *she* be just as moved
by Quinn's fall as other people?
Overall, I'm fairly pleased with the way this turned out. It may feel too
rushed, or too busy, and it may not have exploited the campy aspects of
cheerleading as much as it *could* have, but it accomplished its main goal:
it provided a fairly complex view of Quinn.
All right, I'll come out of the closet and confess: I'm a Quinn-ophile.
Damn, I *like* the little nibblet, warts and all. [Note: *nibblet* --
meaning a cute, appealing creature. Derived from *Nibblett*, Danny
Bronstein's last name for Stacy. Original meaning: timid, shy creature.
Let's keep the name alive, people!] I think we the fans have too much of a
tendency to view Quinn through Daria's eyes, and thus see her as shallow,
and often stupid. This fic aims to play up some of her other qualities,
ones I haven't seen too much in fanfiction. In particular, her
Would Quinn be as tenacious as I have her be in this fic? Maybe not, but
there's strong evidence to suggest that she would. In both "The Daria
Hunter" and "Pierce Me," she came across as very hard-nosed. In
Me," all she cared about was beating Sandi in a non-competitive fashion
show, and we saw how obsessed she became with *that* -- like a gymnast
preparing for the Olympics. Imagine if Quinn had something serious at
stake. In "Cheered Down," she believes that her popularity hinges on her
being head cheerleader, and thus will go to any length to keep that
position. Including, *gasp*, sweat...
Another thing I sought to do was show that Quinn could be a good leader,
if given the opportunity. Judging from the effect her charisma has on
people, as well as the can-do attitude she exhibits in "Pierce Me" and
"Monster" (when she's counseling people about their pores), I'd say the gal
is dictator material. Just kidding... or am I? But still, I could easily
see people huddled around her, treating her like some guru, as the
cheerleaders did in Act I...
On a final note, because Quinn *is* now a leader in my parallel universe,
let me comment on my deviations from the show's structure. Firstly,
although I never intended to have Quinn be head cheerleader for more than
one episode, I *do* plan to have her be Fashion Club president for several
episodes. It's my belief that that's what will happen anyway -- Quinn
can't go on forever saying "Oh, *no*" whenever Sandi half-jokingly suggests
she be president. Secondly, Quinn will continue to wear her glasses,
although they won't be a big issue as they have been to this point. And as
I mentioned in the postscript for "Andrea Speaks!", I plan to keep things
as pretty close to normal as possible.
I'm afraid I'll be leaving Sandi's fate on a bit of a cliff-hanger, because
my two-parter (which I'll be taking a month off or so to write) addresses
just the Barksdale family, and nothing more...
Now, on to *points of interest*............
Sisterly bonding: In Act III, Daria and Quinn finally have a
heart-to-heart! Daria actually feels a glimmer of respect for Quinn!
Again, I don't know if this is how it would be on the show, but I hope so.
I see potential for sisterly bonding in the upcoming episodes "Jake of
Hearts" and "Speedtrapped." Whoops, I shouldn't've said that. Now the
opposite will probably happen...
Brittany: Firstly, before I forget, I have to pay homage to Peter Guerin
for being the first fanfic author to have Brittany join the Fashion Club.
Only in his scenario, it actually works out. :-) Secondly, I must confess
that prior ro writing this fanfic, I wasn't too keen on Brittany as a
character. Not that I *hated* her, but I thought she was way over-exposed
in the first half of Season Three. But as I was writing "Cheered Down," I
realized that Brittany could be a fun character to watch if she were put in
a new situation, one where she wasn't just bugging Daria.
It seemed natural to me that Brittany would be rivals with Quinn at *some*
point. They both have a lot in common, in that they're popular,
good-looking, and into guys. In fact, I'm surprised we haven't seen them
rub shoulders (or lock horns) more often in the episodes. "The Lab Brat"
and "Fair Enough" go the farthest in showing how Brittany could feel
threatened by Quinn. In any case, it's an interesting scenario, one that I
hope comes up in the future.
I originally set out in this fic to show the difference between shallowness
(on Quinn's part) and *true* bimbo-ness (on Brittany's part). What I ended
up with was a situation where Brittany was nearly as devious as Quinn, but
her *niceness* prevented her from being a true back-stabber. Part of the
reason for this transition came from my visit to MTV's Brittany website.
There, I got the impression that Brittany's *really* good at what she knows
how to do, just like Quinn. She's just lacking everywhere else. :-)
Now, onto Sandi: Many people take it as a given that she'd be as nasty to
Quinn as she is in this fic, but let me put it into perspective. She
nearly lost her position to our little nibblet in "Andrea Speaks!", and
since then, has had to listen to Stacy talk about how much she misses her.
Furthermore, she has to deal with Quinn being in a position (head
cheerleader) which probably has *more* prestige attached than her own!
Also, Quinn's near-coup in "Andrea Speaks!" has left Sandi feeling
vulnerable -- which is probably the main reason why she promoted Tiffany to
vice-president. Tiffany's been such a yes-man, Sandi assumes she won't
pose a threat. Wrong. Like Heather Duke after Heather Chandler bit the
dust, Tiffany starts asserting herself more once she gets the extra power.
I don't know if the real Tiffany would be like that, but I don't see why
not. However, I *don't* think she would ever try to make herself
president; she doesn't seem *that* assertive. That's why I had her and
Stacy gravitate toward Quinn at the end of "Cheered Down," instead of
electing one of themselves.
One final note, on Quinn's math teacher, Mr. Phelps: I didn't introduce a
whole new teacher to Lawndale High without plans for using him. :-)
And now, on to the *games*............ whoopee!!
Laaaaaaa, I went the trivia route in my last fanfic and posed a bunch of
questions from "The Tie That Chokes." They were:
1) What was Amy doing that prevented her from attending Erin's housewarming?
2) What did Helen *destroy* after she got a taste of Amy's chummy
relationship with Daria?
3) What was the subject of Helen's "lecture flashbacks"?
4) When the Fashion Club first meets Amy, what gets them ticked off?
5) What type of dessert does Upchuck get a face-full of after he hits on Amy?
Weeeell, Bob Marley, a longtime visitor to Lawndale Commons, stepped up to
the plate and answered these ones. His responses are:
1) She was jet skiing. (Something, no doubt, the lovable munchkins on
this season's "Real World: Hawaii" will do at some point. Let's just hope
they don't do it naked...)
2) Chopsticks. (Ack -- drag this woman away. She could be dangerous!)
3) Feminism, of course. (Or, as Bob aptly pointed out, bourgeois,
neo-democrat feminism. C'mon, from Helen, did you expect anything else??)
4) The site of many, many Cashman's bags -- a sure sign that our dear
Quinn went back on her word that she wouldn't go shopping without the F.C.
5) Flan. (The jiggly, feel-goody custard dessert, introduced via an
episode of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch.")
Thanks, Bob! You did well........ :-)
Now, this time around, I've decided to put the games on temporary -- or
perhaps *permanent* -- hiatus. During the time I'm working on my
two-parter, if I get an overwhelming response in favor of keeping the games
alive, I'll post new trivia questions in the postscript of Part *Two*. If
not, then I'll bury them, *sniff*, and try to think of something to take
Acknowledgements: Just want to thank all of you who gave me music
suggestions that didn't quite make the cut -- C.E. Forman, Bob Marley, and
Kathleen Becker. And I'd also like to thank MTV for doing something
*right* for once -- creating the Brittany website. I found it surprisingly
If you'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
With a *hey* and a *rah* and a *shish-boom-bah*, we're done. Thanks for
This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild,
copyright July 1999. All rights