Dari-Boo
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"DARI-BOO"
A Daria/Chicken Boo Crossover Fan Fiction Story
By Peter W. Guerin


Based on a suggestion by Jonathan M. Sweet, a/k/k Dr. Belch.


With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn and
Steven Speilberg.


AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER

None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. This story is a stand-alone project and does not fit into my regular Daria fan fic continuity, though it could theoretically occur after the events depicted in Return of the Lawndale Militia.

All "Daria" characters are 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

All "Animaniacs" characters are 1993, 1998 Amblin Entertainment/Warner Bros. Studios, Inc., a Time Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved.


(The usual "Chicken Boo" opening sequence begins as Chicken Boo is inside the chicken coop modeling some disguises.)

Chorus: Chicken Boo,/What's the matter with you?/You don't act/Like the other ones do./You wear a disguise/To be like human guys,/But you're not a man/You're a Chicken Boo!

(Chicken Boo is seen going out of the chicken coop and out toward somewhere.)

(The usual "Daria" opening sequence begins, except this time around it's Chicken Boo disguised as Daria who doesn't laugh at the movie theater, refuses to play volleyball, blows a whistle to get Kevin and Brittany out of the way of Daria's locker, who doesn't cheer at the football game, and who reads the paper at the wedding.)

Splendora: La, la, la, la, la/This is my stop,/Got to get off,/I may go pop!/Excuse me!/Excuse me! (Here a whistle blows.) /I've got to be direct!/(La, la, la!)/If I'm off, please correct!/(La, la, la!)/You're standing on my neck! (La, la, la!)/You're standing on my ne-ee-ee-eeck!/ (La, la, la!)/You're standing on my neck!/ La, la, LA, la, la!/La, la, LA, la, la!/La, la, LA, la, la!

(Chicken Boo's face is now seen up close, then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo, except that it's the top of Chicken Boo's head that's visible, and the title says "Dari-Boo". The caption below says "in: Of Misery Chicks and Chickens".)


(Scene 1: the hallways of Lawndale High. Chicken Boo is wearing Daria's usual outfit of glasses, brown T-shirt, green field jacket, black pleated knee-length skirt and black Doc Martins boots. Jane Lane is walking next to him/her.)

Jane: So, Daria, how was your weekend?

Chicken-Boo: Buh-buh-buh-bacaw!

Jane: Yeah, "Sick, Sad World" is kind of dull when its in reruns.

Chicken-Boo: Buh-bacaw!

(Quinn, Sandi Griffin, Tiffany and Stacy are seen walking down the hall in the opposite direction.)

Quinn: So I told Jeffy that I couldn't make it to our date for dinner at Chez Pierre because I had to baby-sit the Gupty kids again, and he sounded like I just shot him in the heart.

Tiffany: That can be so annoying having to break a date like that.

(The Fashion Club members pass Chicken Boo and Jane. Sandi doesn't notice at first, but then does a double take, grabs Quinn by the shoulder, spins her around, grabs both shoulders, and begins shaking her in panic.)

Sandi: Like, Quinn, that weirdo cousin or sister or whatever of yours--she's a giant chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!*

*OK, OK, so Sandi knew the truth about Daria in my story The Dinner Date from Hell, but I decided to have Sandi have her doubts in this story just for laughs --"You Are There" Peter.

Quinn: C'mon, Sandi, get real! Daria isn't a big chicken! Maybe you should get some more sleep at night. They say not getting the proper amount of sleep causes one to become delusional.

Sandi: (Snidely) If that's the case, that bizarro brother of Jane Lane's should be very sane.

Quinn: Sandi, I was just trying to be helpful.

Sandi: Are you doubting my fitness to be President of the Fashion Club, Quinn? Because if you are, I can always find another Vice-President!

Quinn: (Perhaps too quickly) Oh, perish the thought, Sandi! I would never try to usurp you!

(Quinn crosses her fingers behind her back.)

(Chicken-Boo and Jane have been watching the whole incident unfold a few feet away.)

Jane: I wonder what that was all about?

Chicken-Boo: Buh-buh-bacaw!

Jane: Yeah, they all have IQ's smaller than eggplants.

(Suddenly, Yakko, Wakko and Dot Warner run past, with Ralph the security guard in pursuit with a net.)
------------------------------------------------------------
(Scene 2: Anthony DeMartino's social studies class. Mr. DeMartino has his usual neurotic look on his face as he begins to talk about Watergate.)

DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out) Well, ANYWAY, the whole WaterGATE mess began when some so-called "plumBERS" hired by President NIXON broke into the WaterGATE
HOTEL and tried to infiltrate the DemoCRAtic ParTY's HeadQUARTERS! The story was broken by two rePORters working for the WashINGton Post. Back then, reporters had inTEGrity
and honesty, not like these so-called JOURnalists we have today like GerALdo RiVERa and JERry SPRINger! Damn those bastards like RUpert MURdoch and GERaldISSamo POPE for
cheapening the First AMENDment like they did! (Pauses) But I digress! In fact, I've digressed so MUCH I've lost my train of thought! (Points at Chicken-Boo). Daria! Bail me out here! Who were the two reporters who BROKE the WATERGATE scandal.

Chicken-Boo: Buh-buh-buh-buh-bacaw-bacaw!

DeMartino: Ahhh, yes, Woodward and Bernstein! THAT was it!

(Brittany Taylor, the dumb cheerleader, leans next to Chicken-Boo as to ask a question.)

Brittany: MMMM, Daria, do you know the answer to the last question we had for our homework assignment? I didn't get it!

(Chicken-Boo ignores her.)

Jane: Why can't you do your own homework, Brittany?

Brittany: But Kevin had to go to football practice! (She suddenly pouts). I bet that's what he did! I know for a fact that he was probably going out with that new redhead who just joined the cheerleading team!

DeMartino: Brittany, while I do SYMPATHIZE with your plight in regard to your LOVE LIFE, please pay ATTENTION to the LESSON!

Brittany: But I don't know if Kevin's cheating behind my back! Where is he, anyway?

DeMartino: He got EXCUSED from class for his mandatory sports PHYSICAL!

Brittany: I bet he's actually making out with that redhead! OOOOOOOOOO!

(Chicken-Boo suddenly gets up, goes to Brittany, and pecks her on the head.)

Brittany: OWWWWWWWW! STOP IT, DARIA! STOP IT!

(Chicken-Boo stops. Brittany rubs her head.)

DeMartino: While normally what you just DID should warrant a trip to Ms. Li's office, I should actually thank YOU for silencing BRITTANY there, Daria!

(Chicken-Boo sits back down, with what could pass for a small Daria-like grin on his beak.)
------------------------------------------------------------
(Scene 3: Out in the hallway again. Brittany emerges from Nurse Chase's* office with a bandage on her forehead. Kevin is standing next to the door when she come out.)

*It was revealed in the "Ill" episode of Daria that the school nurse's name was Nurse Chase.--Dr. Peter.

Kevin: Hey, babe! What happened to you?

Brittany: Daria pecked me, that's what, Kevvy! I don't know what's gotten into her!

Kevin: Maybe she's having that time of the month!

(Brittany slaps Kevin.)

Brittany: Watch it, Kevvy! (She sees some lipstick on the neck protector he wears.) Wait a minute! That's the lipstick from that redhead who just joined the cheerleading team, isn't it?

Kevin: You've got it all wrong, babe!

Brittany: No, you mean I've got it all right! (She takes the bunny-shaped purse she carries with her, and begins to hit Kevin over the head with it) You two-timing lout! Get out of here before I kill you!

Kevin: (trying to deflect the blows) OW! Hey, babe! Knock it off!

(Jane and Chicken-Boo now pass again.)

Jane: And they call it puppy love!

Chicken-Boo: Buh-buh-buh-bacaw!

Jane: Yeah, you're right; they make Dan Quayle look like a Rhodes scholar!
------------------------------------------------------------
(Scene 4: Timothy O'Neill's English class. Mr. O'Neill is discussing "The Lottery"* with the class.)

*I really hated that story when I read it in English class; it was so stupid and you couldn't make heads or tails out of it. If anyone has their own "least favorite story they had to read for English class", e-mail me at markzerofanfiction@email.com and tell me!--Peter "I am not a winner" Guerin.

O'Neill: (with his usual unbridled enthusiasm) And so, in the end, the winner of the "Lottery" actually turns out to be the loser as the whole community stones her. And what do we learn from this story, Daria? (He points to Chicken-Boo)

Chicken-Boo: Buh-buh-buh-bacaw-bacaw-bacaw!

O'Neill: We should never trust Dick Clark and Ed McMahon in those American Family Publishers ads? I don't think you get the point, Daria.

Jane: Oh, she does, Mr. O'Neill. You have a better chance of being hit by lightning than winning at those contests. They try to prey on old people, and some of them actually go to the address they have to mail the entry forms to because they think they already won.*

*That has actually happened. They had a good report on "The NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw" a few months back on that subject.--Yolando Peter.

O'Neill: The lesson we should be actually learning, class, is that sometimes winning is even worse than losing.

Jane: If that's the case, then why bother to try to win at all?

O'Neill: Well, because winning does have its advantages.

Chicken-Boo: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bacaw-bacaw-bacaw!

O'Neill: Especially when you become a free agent and you want to land that $100 million, seven year contract? Daria, are you serious?

Jane: We rest our case.

(Mr. O'Neill begins to cry. He leaves the room, embarrassed.)

Jane: Score one for you again, Daria!

Chicken-Boo: BACAW! BACAW! BACAW!
------------------------------------------------------------
(Scene 5: The cafeteria. The Fashion Club is entering en masse, with Angela Li, the principal, taking the rear.)

Sandi: I'm telling you, Ms. Li, Daria is a big chicken!

Ms. Li: That is soooooo ridiculous, Ms. Griffin! Ms. Morgendorffer may be sarcastic and challenge my authority, but she is not a coward!

Sandi: I mean she IS a chicken!

Ms. Li: If you're lying to me, Ms. Griffin, you will have a one-week suspension!

(Chicken-Boo and Jane are sitting at a table. Ted DeWitt-Clinton from "The New Kid" takes a seat next to them.)

Jane: Beat it, DeWitt-Clinton, if you know what's good for you!

Ted: But I really need to speak to Daria. I want to have another chance with her!

Chicken-Boo: Buh-buh-buh-bacaw!

Ted: You're telling me to go to Hell? Daria, this isn't like you at all!

(Ms. Li and the Fashion Club now approach.)

Sandi: There! I told you she's a big chicken!

Ms. Li: I don't see any chickens here, Ms. Griffin.

Jane: No one here except us outcasts, Sandi. Unless the Fashion Club has lowered its standards and began accepting poultry as members.

(Chicken-Boo stands up. He looks like he's going to go someplace. Suddenly, Brittany and Kevin enter, Brittany still hitting Kevin with her purse.)

Brittany: Take that! And that! And that!

Kevin: OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

(Suddenly, Brittany swings wild, and knocks off Chicken-Boo's glasses. He falls to the floor. The impact knocks off his boots. When he stands up, his shirt, jacket and skirt also fall off, revealing him as he really is.)

Sandi: I told you she was a chicken!

Ms. Li: (Going up to Chicken-Boo and pointing to him angrily) I don't know what you were going to accomplish with your little ruse, mister, but I can see we're going to have fried chicken for our lunch special today!

Chicken-Boo: (In a panic) BACAW! BACAW! BACAW!

(Chicken-Boo runs as the other students gang up on him and chase him. He runs out of the school. After a while, he goes to the Morgendorffer house and enters it. He goes to Daria's room, and knocks on the door.)

Daria: Who is it?

Chicken-Boo: Buh-bacaw!

Daria: Oh, it's you. Enter.

(Chicken-Boo enters, and we see Daria in her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts. She's got some aspirin and Nyquil on her nightstand next to her bed.)

Daria: I guess you're filling in for me while I was sick didn't work.

Chicken-Boo: Bacaw!

Daria: Don't worry about it. (She gets up, opens a drawer on the nightstand, takes out about forty dollars in cash and hands it to him.) Here's the money I promised you. (She now goes to her closet and takes out a box.) Wear this, and you should get out of town without a problem. (Chicken-Boo takes the box.) Take care of yourself, OK?

Chicken-Boo: Bacaw! (He leaves.)

Daria: Well, I learned something from this: Never let a giant chicken fill in for you at school when you're out sick.

(Chicken-Boo is now seen leaving Lawndale. He's wearing the new disguise Daria gave her; he looks like Jason Vhoores from the "Friday the 13th" movie series. A man and a woman
see him and run for their lives, screaming.)

Splendora: You wear a disguise/To be like human guys,/But you're not a man,/You're a Chicken-Boo!

(Fade to black. Cut to a scene where sweaty hands are seen over a piece of metal as an ominous timpani drumroll is heard in the background. The left hand is holding a die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer. The hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. At the second time, however, the hammer hits into the left thumb. causing the person who was holding the hammer and die to drop them. As he turns around, it's revealed that it's the author of the story, who now shakes his hand and yells "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" and walks away. It's now revealed that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. White lettering above and below it say "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED". Fade to black.)


THE END


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