Daria 007
By Michael J. Pfeffer

Scene 1: Daria's room. Only the members of the Fashion Club are present, with one
extra inductee. She is not known to us and will not be.

Sandy: This is what NOT to have your room like. Like, the girl who's in here, she's dull
and, like, weird.

Quinn: It could be worse I have to live with her, remember.

Tiffany: Wow. That's, like, scary.

(Daria enters.)

Daria: Oh, look, the mental asylum convention. (Looks to Quinn.) And Queen of the
Harpies herself.

(Quinn glares.)

Stacy: Well, that's what not to be like if you want to be popular like us. Thanks for, like,
showing us this, Quinn.

(Daria glares.)

Scene 2- the Morgendorffer dinner table. As usual, lasagna is the meal. Jake is out
with a client. Mid-view between Helen and Quinn- pan out to reveal all, seated.

Daria: I don't recall saying you could be in my room today, let alone ever.

Helen: Well, sweetie, we are a family, and families share our lives and rooms as well.

Daria: So it would be OK for me to use Quinn's room as the monkey house for the zoo?

Quinn: Hey- is it my fault that your room is well, strange?

Daria: Is it my fault that you have the equivalent of mosquito bites as friends?

(Quinn is highly offended. She gets up in anger and departs.)

Helen: Quinn, honey- wait!

(Helen gets up and follows Quinn. Daria is alone at the table.)

Daria: Well if I was a lesser person, I'd be mad. But since I'm not, I'll seek revenge
from a professional.

Scene 3- the exterior of a mid-sized ranch house where Michael lives with his
parents (Character was discussed in Lawndale Air Force.) A dignified gentleman,
interested in the military and a tad nerdish- a mix of Daria, Jane, and Trent.

(Daria walks up to a door adorned with postcards, pictures, posters, etc. Sign reads
"Property of United States Air Force" on it. Daria knocks on the door.)

Michael (V.O. from inside room): Come in, but watch where you step- those uranium
samples are pretty nasty.

(Daria opens the door- Michael's room is much like his door. The walls are adorned
with paintings, a big mural, technical specs on vehicles, ships, and aircraft. The entire
rear and right side are covered by a small lab, with electronic components all over.
Michael is sitting at the lab, looking into a microscope, a soldering iron in his hand,
obviously working on something.)

Daria: Nice setup. Going for the Dr. Frankenstein approach?

Michael: I prefer Dr. Jekyll.

(Michael turns around in his chair.)

Michael: Now, you obviously didn't come here to make fun of my room. It's Quinn, I'll

Daria: How'd you know?

Michael: I'm at the center of an intelligence network that encompasses all of Lawndale.
I know more about everyone here than they know about themselves. Did you know
Upchuck has a thing for grandmothers?

Daria: I should have known.

(Michael stands up and walks to his night table. He lifts up a lamp, revealing a small
keypad. He punches in a code and a small part of his wall moves aside, revealing an
array of counterintelligence gear.)

Michael: I can set you up. What's your main goal here?

Daria: Basically, to get back at Quinn. She made a pretty bad example of me. Frankly,
I don't care about the fashion club, just the fact that Quinn thinks she's a goddess.

Michael (Nodding): I know. My mom thought she owned me and ruled the house. She's
into yoga and the sort, but when all her incense showed up burning in an oven roast for
a big dinner party, I think that she got the picture.

Daria: How'd you get that going? I thought you were a pacifist.

Michael: I give it to those who deserve it.

Daria: A modern day Robin Hood.

Michael: Now what do you need on Quinn? Info? Bugging? Embarrassment?

Daria: A little of each. I don't know what's going on in her social life. I make it my goal
to forget everything about Quinn whenever possible.

Michael: Okay. I'm figuring fly eyes, microtransmitters, and mirror belts.

Daria: You've lost me.

Michael: We'll start by placing miniature video cameras where Quinn can't see. They'll
pick up audio and video so we know where she'll be going and what she'll be doing.
Next, we'll try and find something incriminating and broadcast it over the Lawndale TV
networks. But on the other hand, that's harsh, even for Quinn.

Daria: Let's go for an old favorite- date embarrassment.

Michael: I'm right with you.

(Michael pulls out a bunch of small cameras, two belts, and small jars of crystals.)

Michael: These are remote recorder cameras, personal visual reduction belts, and
"irritator" crystals. The cameras name themselves, the belts make you invisible and
inaudible, and the crystals activate the parts of the human brain that piss you off.

Daria: I think I get the point here. Nice plan.

Michael (Nodding): Thank you don't applaud, just throw money.

(Slo-Mo B&W footage of Michael's wall sliding away. Cut to commercial.)

(Back from commercial.)

Scene 4: Lawndale High- Quinn's locker. Quinn does not notice the microcamera at
the back of her locker. She opens it up, and an attractive-looking boy (Jon) comes up
from behind.

Jon: Hiya, Quinn.

Quinn: Oh, hi, Jon.

Jon: Quinn, I was wondering, if you weren't busy on Saturday night, there's this great
French restaurant opening up in town, and my new Porsche is aching for a quick trip.

Quinn: Well, I guess so what color is the Porsche?

(Daria and Michael are watching this from the opposite hall- the images and audio from
the microcamera are being transmitted to Michael's custom-built TV-screen wristwatch.
Following voices/images of Jon & Quinn's conversation are broadcast through the

Jon: So, I'll pick you up about Saturday night, say, eight?

Quinn: Okay see you then.

(Jon walks off, Quinn has an ecstatic look on her face.)

Daria: Perfect. It can't get any better than this.

Michael: Saturday night, eight o'clock, Chez André.

Daria: How do you know the restaurant?

Michael: I'm a gourmet. Not obsessed like Quinn, I just like different foods.

(Daria glares.)

Michael (Shrugging): Excuse me for eating different foods.

(Glances left and right.)

Michael: Quinn's coming. We'd better get out of here.

Daria: Yeah, sure. We'll evacuate to next period. I need some sleep, anyway.

Scene 5- back at Michael's house, Saturday night. They are gearing up for the big
prank-fest that night.

Daria: Michael, isn't all of this illegal?

Michael: What do you mean?

Daria: I'm talking about the cameras, the mind-altering drugs, the invisibility belts?

Michael: Well, I got the plans for the cameras from Popular Mechanics, and I build
them all myself so it's OK, the drugs are perfectly harmless and are used in medicine.
The belts I made myself too, so there's nothing wrong.

Daria: I mean using them in malice.

Michael: Would you rather see Quinn enjoy her date?

Daria: Let's roll.

Michael: Okay- to activate the belts, press the red button then flip the two silver
switches. We'll have headset microphones to communicate, just press the button near
your temple to activate it. Quinn won't be able to hear you, so we'll be completely

Daria: Got it. Okay, let's move out.

Michael: I love this job.

Scene 6- Chez André restaurant. Quinn and Jon have just arrived. Michael and Daria
are inside already, slipping by the patrons and waiters.

Michael: Targets are here ready to rock?

Daria: What's the plan?

Michael: When the food arrives, we try and spill a few pieces on them.

Daria: Too bad she didn't wear an expensive outfit.

Michael: If that doesn't work, we use the piss-off crystals. And if they don't work, I'm
shaving my head and joining a monastery.

Daria: Okay they've ordered. In about twenty minutes, the appetizers arrive. He'll have
something heavy, she'll have the salad.

Michael: It seems you know a bit about someone you hate.

Daria: Helen and Jake drag us all to fancy restaurants once in a while. Traumatic

Michael: Your mother's not into yoga. You're lucky. Our house smelled like Caribbean
Nights incense most of the time until it ended up in the chicken.

Daria: Another thing I don't get- how did you get so into this secret agent stuff?

Michael: I started reading novels at age ten. I got into John Le Carre, then Ian Fleming.
Soon, I looked in the back of magazine ad sections for intelligence surplus gear.

Daria: Wow. How much is all this?

Michael: Insanely low. This is the government's only way of getting rid of the national
debt. You won't believe how many of these things they have.

Daria: Well, well, here comes the appetizers.

Michael: Pate fois de Gras for the gentleman, and look- three greens salad for Miss

Daria: I guess we'll have to wait up for a while.

(Shortly- the main meal arrives.)

Michael: Perfect. Trout in curry sauce for Lady Degenerate, and he's got the honey
broiled squab.

Daria: Okay. How do we go about spilling?

Michael: I'll just tip the plate when she puts her fork down.

(All seems well as Jon & Quinn are talking and eating, but when Quinn lowers her fork
to take another bite of the fish, the plate tips over and a few drops of curry sauce spill
on her shirt sleeve.)

Quinn: Oh, no! This is, like, my favorite outfit!

Jon: Don't worry I think I have one of those stain-buster wipes. Yeah, here.

(Jon holds out a small white packet. Quinn opens it and applies the small tissue inside
to the stains. Shortly they fade.)

Quinn: All right!

Daria (simultaneously with Michael): Damn!

(Slo-Mo B&W footage of Michael spilling food on Quinn. Cut to commercial.)

Scene 7- Still in restaurant.

Michael: Okay. So the spill didn't work. We've always got the piss-off crystals.

Daria: Good idea. My sister is easy to get mad.

Michael: Okay. I'm going in.

(Still invisible, but in a transparent shimmer, Michael waves a small bottle of crystals
under Quinn's nose and backs away.)

Quinn: I wish you wouldn't do that.

Jon: Do what?

Quinn: You chew weird. Stop it.

Jon: What do you mean?

Quinn: Listen- I deserve human treatment, OK? So just cut it out!

Jon: I didn't do anything!

Quinn: Ugh! Forget it!

(Quinn walks out in a huff. People all around the restaurant are staring at Jon.)

Jon: What did I do?

(Michael and Daria share smiles.)

Michael: Okay, mission accomplished. Time to get out of Dodge.

(Michael hands Daria a grappling-hook launcher.)

Daria: What's this for?

Michael: Quinn's walking home, and the belts can only stay on for so long before they
run out of charge. We have to egress through the roof.

Daria: How do we get off the roof?

Michael: Leave that to me. This way.

(Michael walks out the back door. Daria follows.)

Michael: Just aim right above the top of the roof.

(They both take aim and pull the triggers. Two muffled *phoonts* resound and grappling
hooks fly up and catch on the roof. Just as they hook the ropes to their belts, they both
fizzle and spark back into full visual being.)

Michael: So much for stealth. Press that red button on your hook launcher, it'll reel you
up. Careful of the walls.

Daria: It really would be nice to know how we're going to get home, or should I sprout
jet-powered wings right now?

Michael: Relax. Just reel on up.

(They both zip up to the roof.)

Daria: Okay. We're at the roof. Can I jump now, or are we going to get home?

(Michael reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small remote, pressing a small green
button. Moments later, two objects resembling bikes without wheels, only vents and
fans, drop out of the sky and land on the roof.)

Daria: Wow. What are those?

Michael: Airbikes. They work like hovercraft, only without air bags. One's yours to

Daria: Thanks. How does it work?

Michael: Just like a bicycle, only with vocal commands. You tell it the address where
you want to go, and that's it. It'll steer, provide altitude, throttle, et cetera. It's got
almost every address in the free world programmed.

Daria: You need a girlfriend.

Michael: Are you insinuating....?

Daria: No.

(Daria gets on the airbike, says her address, and speeds off. As she speeds away,
Michael shrugs.)

Michael: You're welcome.

Scene 8- Daria's room. She is on her bed, talking to Jane on the phone. (Split-screen
with Jane on the lower-right.)

Daria: We started by bugging her locker to find an opportunity to get back at her.

Jane: I'll bet you want one of those in Trent's room.

Daria: Then we used invisibility belts to sneak on them during her date. We tried spilling
food on her, but Tweedledumb had stain wipes.

Jane: Bummer. After that?

Daria: We used crystals that make people angry on Lady I-Wish-She-Would-Die.
Worked like a charm. Best of all, this is all on video, so we can show it to the Fashion
Club. I'll save those for later.

Jane: So, to sum all this up, you have a spy at your disposal?

Daria: Yeah. So anything else happen to you?

Jane: Nah. Just the usual.

Daria: Okay.

(Daria hangs up the phone as Quinn barges in, falling down on the floor.)

Daria: Well, well. Looks like someone's date ended early.

Quinn: It was awful! I spilled food and yelled at Jon. He's never going to forgive me!

Daria: What a pleasant outlook.

Quinn: When the Fashion Club hears about this, I'll be doomed! I'm just going to lay
here forever!

(Quinn's phone rings.)

Quinn: Don't hang up!

(Quinn rushes out.)

Daria: I hope this doesn't have any lasting effects.

(Fade to black.)

The End