DARIA IN WONDERLAND,
OR THE HUNTING OF THE SNIPE:
A DARIAN AGONY IN FOUR FITS
BY BARRY ESHKOL ADELMAN
WITH MASSIVE APOLOGIES
TO BOTH MTV AND LEWIS CARROLL
FIT THE FIRST: THE ARRIVAL
"Just the place for a snipe!" did Jake cry out
In his parking his car with care,
Diverting his gaze to the beautiful scenes
As the sights broke his eyes from their stare.
"Just the place for a snipe!" did Jake repeat.
"Now, gang, you know what we're up to!"
"He better shut up," did Daria think.
"There's no telling what _I'm_ going to do."
The group was complete. It included a Boob
Who thought he would only do good,
A Barrister brought to create more disputes
(Who flipped first last time in the woods),
A Bimbo who sought attention at length
And had really won more than her share,
And just one Brain, who to her defense,
Got the whole needed medical care.
There would soon come others to the same place,
For the people in Lawndale had said
That this was the weekend to go to the woods
Instead of just lying in bed.
A weekend, it was, that all were to go
With seldom complaint or a gripe,
For just once a year was a festival grand
Where all would go hunting the snipe.
"In many past years," said Jake nearly in tears,
"Many thousands of snipes would go fly
Ev'ry hour on the breeze from the plentiful trees!
What a wonderful sight for the eye!
"But now, so they say, most have just gone away
And all Lawndale mourns not to see them.
And so, on this day, we shall go on our way.
May we have luck enough just to see them!"
"Don't tell me you buy that," said Daria flatly
As she slowly got out of the wagon.
"They made the stuff up just for lucrative gain;
You might as well go hunt a dragon."
There was in her word some obvious truth,
For all had seen paraphanelia
Of Snipe-Hunting Day, such as teeshirts and hats
And other such memorabellia.
Another car right then drove into the woods
To adjacently park on the ground
And others still came and did do the same things
Wherever some space could be found.
Soon the forest was filling with Lawndale's cars
Which neatly lined up by the roads
While really cruel children did frolick about
And carelessly step on some toads.
FIT THE SECOND: THE GIFT
"I don't feel like hunting now," Daria said,
As she miser'bly hung by the car.
"I'm not feeling well now, so if you don't mind,
I stay here and not wander far."
"But, Daria, we planned so hard for this trip,"
Said Helen in indignant tones,
And would have continued for hours on end
Had Quinn then not let out a groan.
Not far in the distance a car had arrived
With a group of young ladies on board.
For them to see her with her "cousin" the Brain
Was a thing she just deeply deplored.
"Muh-om! Don't be mean!" Quinn quite nearly did scream.
"Just leave her here if she's so sick."
Such kindness within Quinn was so rarely seen
That the Brain thought there must be a trick.
"All right, you can stay," did the mother then say.
"Don't go too far, we'll soon be back."
So they family departed to enter the woods
With their snipe-nets a-poised for attack.
Soon the place was all cleared of those people with weird,
Cheap momentos of Snipe-Hunting Day.
Thus the Brain with her Watchman sat down on the ground
To watch _Sick Sad World_ as they did play.
"Do not be alarmed," said a voice from in front
That did nearly make Daria jump.
'Twas a _bird_ which had said this, with thin legs, a beak,
And some plumes on its feathery rump.
"I have read many papers, I've read many books,
I have seen many pieces of art,"
Said the bird, "But never did ever I find
Such a human that I'd ever call 'smart.'"
"What is this?" asked Daria anxiously then,
For birds never talked as she knew.
"Is this just a joke upon Upchuck's part?
What on Earth is he trying to do!"
"I am the magical Monarch of Snipes,"
Said the bird with a sparklely wink.
"I have come to grant upon you but a gift,
Such a one for a human who thinks.
"Beware all your enemies from this point on!
You now are a Boojum, so then
If you merely wish it, they'll vanish away
And never be met with again!"
And with this the magical Monarch of Snipes
Did shimmer and spin in the air
And vanished to places unknown to us all
In the land of its magical lair.
FIT THE THIRD: THE EXILE OF THE DUMB-ASSES
One day before in a far-away town
A true pair of nimrods did dwell,
Residing in slothdom and purile disgrace,
And emitting a hideous smell.
Beavis and Butt-Head, as these two were called,
Would mostly just giggle each day.
And so they remained in a very poor state
And would act in a very dumb way.
There was also a Bully who lived in their town
Who them was unable to stand,
And so there arose as he pondered one day
In his mind but a very fine plan.
"What use have the people of Highland?" thought Todd
The Bully in real delight.
"If they were but gone, it just wouldn't be wrong!
Some even would say I did right!"
So softly he wended to where the two dwelled,
To their tiny and desolate home,
Where the sound of a TV was greeting his ears,
Plus a pair of unnatural moans.
He looked in the window and saw on the floor,
Among all the refuse and trash,
Was Beavis and Butt-Head in unconscious state
From beer they had just bought with cash.
Them being so stupid, they both drank a can,
Then two, and then three, and then four,
And on and on thusly until they passed out
And lay senselessly there on the floor.
So Todd broke a window and let himself in
And dragged them both out by the feet,
Then carelessly tossed them both into his car
And covered the two with a sheet.
Then for half-an-hour he drove that car
Till deep in the forest he reached
And recklessly tossed the two onto the ground
And made them attend to his speech.
"We've had many losers," the Bully pronounced,
"We've had many psychos and freaks,
But there isn't someone in Highland I find
Just as stupid as both of you geeks!
"We've had many losers, we've had many jerks!"
said the Bully, who halted his speech.
Unable to finish (he too was LD),
He drove off, a-making a screech.
"Die, losers!" Todd cried as he vanished in dust,
Leaving Beavis and Butt-Head alone.
Then five hours later the two staggered up,
Each making a terrible groan.
"This sucks," uttered Butt-Head in unhappy tones,
"There's nothing but trees here and ground.
There ar'n't even nachos or stuff we can drink.
I'm hungry. Let's go look around."
"Hey, that's really good," said vacuous Beavis
In tones that were really not right.
"I hate this place, Butt-Head. Come on, let's go home"
(Which shows Beavis wasn't too bright.)
"You dumb-ass!" said Butt-Head, a-smacking his head.
"We're too far away to get home!
Come on now, Beavis, I think we'll walk out."
But the latter did nothing but groan.
FIT THE FOURTH: THE DREAM OF DARIA
Meanwhile, as Daria sat there confused,
She dozed off and fell into dream
And saw there in image some things she desired
But in real life weren't seen.
There was DiMartino among many trees
With snipe-hunting gun in his hand,
And when he shot, trees are what he really hit
And on him they managed to land.
The clothes on the Fashion Club started to melt
And, causing much stress, they did change
To green skirts and jackets and burnt-yellow tees
Which put in the context looked strange.
A few other teachers soon burst into flames
And glowed with a terrible glint.
And then there were things that had Quinn and Trent,
But things like that here we can't print.
But then she heard echoes of terrible laughs
And giggles which came from the past
Which rattled around in a reverbing way
And managed to wake her at last.
"Hey, Diarrhea!" did Beavis cry out.
"What'cha doing here next to this car?
I think we've been, you know, been wandering much.
I didn't know we'd get this far."
"What are you doing here?" did Daria ask
In a massively disdainful way.
And soon she regretted the thing that she said
When she heard what the two had to say.
"Uh, we were drinking and stuff in our house,"
Said Butt-Head, "And we like passed out,
And next thing we know that Todd brought us here.
I think he just started to shout.
"So we just like wandered around all these trees,
'Cause we thought we could get out of here.
And then there's these bugs and they bit Beavis bad.
You know, he has a kind of bug fear
"But now we've like found you, Diarrhea," he said.
"Come to think of it, haven't your grown?
So maybe,"--they giggled--"if you wouldn't mind,
Do you think you could like get us home?"
"Yeah, Diarrhea, take us home!" Beavis said,
And both morons laughed for a while
As Daria sat there, but nothing she said,
Though soon to her face came a smile.
In the midst of what they were trying to say,
In the midst of their laughter and glee,
They softly and suddenly vanished away
For the Brain _was_ a Boojum, you see.
La la la la la...