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Daria On Assignment
by LunaJane


Daria and Jane are at Daria's house and watching TV

Daria: Okay, so you finally have your mercenaries. THEN what do you do?

Jane: Take over the governments of small nearby countries and threaten the people into
submission.

TV: Can six-month old babies get life sentances for mass killings? Miniscule murderers, next on
Sick, Sad World. Plus, our drawing of finalists for a guest shot on the next SSW assignment!

Daria: This is new.

Jane: Yeah they held a drawing for this. I was thinking of sending a postcard in for Quinn, but I
figured that a monster truck show is a MUCH better opportunity for her. Besides, truck-show
tickets are non-refundable.

Daria: I'm getting a Coke, I'll be back.

Jane (quietly, almost to self) So I entered you instead.

Daria returns.

Daria: Did I miss anything?

Jane: Nothing, just a follow-up story on the five-headed goat triplets.

Daria: Sounds educational.

TV Announcer: Annnd we have our winning postcard . . . . hmm, writing's a bit blurred but . . .
Daria Morgendorffer, you've won! If you're not watching, someone tell her!

Daria: Good Lord.

Jane: I know. Dream come true, huh?

Daria is both kinda pleased and kinda annoyed

Daria: Alright, neither of my parents know about this, and Quinn can't spell "Morgendorffer". My
guess is, you're at the the bottom of this.

Jane: Guilty as charged.

Daria: I don't know whether to hug you or brutally strangle you . . .

Jane: Save that first one for Trent.

Daria: . . . but you're making it easier to decide.

Daria: Um, hello, Sick Sad World Studios?

Woman on phone: Hello, is this the kid from the contest, Diana?

Daria: Daria. I got your studio address and number, so now what do I do?

Woman on phone: Well, we are just so happy for you, Dara! Now listen: ourSSW van will stop
by your house this Friday, we'll pick you up and take you toour weekend 'special location'! Got
it?

Daria: Wonderful. And it's DARIA.

Woman: Whatever. That's about it . . .

(Voice from background) Hey, Ann, we got a problem with the van. We can't fitboth the guest and
your extra wardrobe in! We can only have one!

Silence over the phone

Ann: Well, Dalia,actually I think you may need your own ride on this one. Be atthe shooting site
at 7 am. We'll give you the address. Good luck! Bye! (hangsup)

Jane: So, how's your co-star?

Daria: In terms of both intelligence and tolerance, she's staring to resembleQuinn.

Jane: That's OK, I can help.

Daria: I'm not sure if you can go.

Jane: Yeah I can. I'll be some kind of assistant!

Daria: I don't wear makeup, I don't change my hair, I won't be changing costumes, and I can vomit
up my breakfast all by myself.

Jane: I know! I can be your blind, disabled sister confined to a wheelchair,whose last living
wish is to see a taping of Sick Sad World.

Daria: How about you're just my annoying friend who tags along?

Jane: That works.

Daria: Fine.

Jane:But leave out the annoying part, or you WON't have a chauffeur . . . or rather, a headrest.

Daria: Any more of that in the the car, and I can no longer promise you any mercy.

Phone rings in Quinn's room. She picks it up

Quinn: Joey, for the last time I CAN'T go out with you!

Brittany: It's Brittany! Has anyone told you yet?

Quinn: If this is about my wrong color lipstick, I already KNOW . . .

Brittany: The monster truck show!

Quinn: Monster truck show? What kind of stupid joke is that?

Brit: Kevvie was watching the Pigskin Channel and your name got called.You've won tickets!
You actually like truck shows? Eewww!

Quinn: No, I don't! It's some stupid joke, ok? I don't want TICKETS! (slamsreciever)

Quinn: Waitaminit . . . guys like truck shows! I can get a guy to go with me! Maybe afterwards
we can go to Chez Pierre! But what if . . what if only creepy guys like truck shows? I HAVE to
go and I might be sitting there watching some idiot jump minivans with some weirdo next to me
and EVERYONE WATCHING! NOOOOOOOO!!!

Scream echoes over Lawndale. Back to Daria and Jane at Jane's house

Jane: What was that?

Daria: (smiling) I have no idea. So fine, we have a ride.

Jane: Yup, if he's awake enough to hold the wheel. So anyway, do your parents approve?

Daria: Of me being on Sick Sad World?

Jane: No, of you marrying Trent. Of course I mean . . . .

Daria: Okay, Jane, let's make a deal. You can keep bothering me, and I'll justgive Upchuck your
personal phone number.

Jane: You're kidding.

Daria: Only if you knock it off.

Jane: C'mon,Daria, I'm not THAT bad, besides bothering you is fun!!!

Daria: ( mimicking Upchuck) Grrrrowww . . .

Jane: Alright, alright, you win!

Quinn: So, Joey, Jeffy, Jerry, do you guys like . . . truck shows?

Joey: Like, with trucks?

Jamie: Not really, and it's Jamie

Jeffy: Got any basketball tickets?

Quinn stomps off and runs into Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany

Sandi: Hey, Quinn, didn't you ,like, win car show tickets or something?

Quinn: I don't know how, and no guy will go with me!

Stacy: Aren't there already lots of guys at those places?

Tiffany: Yeah, but they're all really creepy.

Quinn: I KNEW IT!!!! OH NO!!!

Jane and Trent are parked outside Morgendorffer house. Daria comes out withlarge shoulder
bag and gets into car. Jane's in the front seat, Daria in back.

Jane: Hey, Daria. What's in the bag?

Daria: Camera.

Jane: You have a camera the size of a computer disc with a neckstrap and youbrought this?

Daria: I can't believe you got Trent up before 7 a.m.

Jane: It was tough, but I think that the feather duster and German polka musichelped.

Daria: I don't even want to know.

Jane : By the way, they WILL make you put on makeup before the show. It'sannoying, but you can
fend . . . . .HEY TRENT! WAKE UP! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!

Trent: Huh? ( swerves, barely avoids hitting giant truck)

Jane: Y'know, we could've hired a chimp that could hold a steering wheel.Probably safer.

Trent: Hey, I can drive just as well as the next chimp.

Daria: I'm sure you can, but . . . . TRENT!! WAKE UP!!!

Car finally reaches Sick Sad World location.

Jane: Okay, we're here. Trent, just stay in the car and don't go anywhere.

Daria: That shouldn't be a problem

(Trent is passed out at the wheel)

Daria: Wait a minute (opens bag, takes out pillow) Jane, lift his head.

Jane: Awww, that's cute.

Daria: Phone number . . . . .

Jane: I'm not saying anything.

Daria and Jane approach site - a small, official-looking building in the middle ofnowhere

Jane: Just a small thought, Daria, but did they ever TELL you what this "specialassignment"
WAS?

Daria: No, but if it's another story about barnyard mutants, I'll race you back tothe car.

(Jane's face looks a little contorted, like trying to hold back a comment)

Daria: What's wrong with you?

Ann fron phone conversation walks up

Daria: You're the reporter?

Ann: Ann Morris. Just call me Ann. Dana, who's your friend?

Daria: I'm DARIA and this is Jane.

Ann: Oh, well, Jane you can just sit over there . . . away from the camera.

Jane: I feel like royalty.

Ann: Um, Deanna, did you bring any . . makeup, or anything? If not, we have some people who
can . . .

Daria: Just forget it, and my name is . . . .(sigh) never mind.

Camera Guy: You're on in four . . . three . . . two

Ann: This is Sick Sad World weekend assignment, and today we shall uncover the great hidden
secret: who writes up tax form instructions? Whoever thought the IRS thought wrong. We are
here today with "Earl", a government official, who for the first time in history will show us
WHERE our tax manuals come from!

Camera Guy: The kid! Mention the kid!

Ann: And with us is our SSW contest winner, Dora Morgendorffer!

Daria: It's DARIA.

Ann: Right, kid. ( Camera moves Daria out of view ) Now, "Earl", will you show us America's
deep, dark secret?

Earl: Right this way, lady.

Entire crew follows Earl into building. Jane and Daria are pushed to the back.

Jane: D'ya ever get the feeling you're being semi-consciously ignored?

Daria: It's DARIA, dammit!

Jane: At least I can rest assured that they haven't gotten under YOUR skin.

Everyone enters room. Dozens of rows of monkeys are there, each working at a computer.

Jane: Given infinite time,they'll eventually write the great works of Shakespeare.

Daria: And in ten minutes?

Jane: Supermarket romance novel.

Ann (interviewing): So you say that these monkeys are responsible for writingup United States
tax manuals.

Supervisor: Yup. They work all day, an' we pay 'em in fruit.

Daria: (Out of camera range) We are not part of this show, and never will be

Jane: It is a scam.

Daria: And what is the good thing about television scams?

Jane: The limitless opportunities for those getting screwed.

Daria and Jane now quietly move to random computers and type in messageslike
"Governments are bad", "Monkey rule is good", "Bomb America" and "Killthe president". As
they walk out of the building, they hear people screaming "Oh my God, they're going to
revolt!" and the sounds of the monkeys going wild.

Daria and Jane run from building. Trent is awake and is starting the car. Daria and Jane get in,
this time Daria in front and Jane and back. Car ride is very quiet, and Jane is impatient. Daria
and Trent's eyes have a little game of cat-and-mouse going. Everytime Daria looks at Trent, he's
looking the other way, and vice versa. The tension is causing Jane to shake. She is starting to get
reeeally tired of holding in all her comments.

Daria: New necklace, Trent?

Trent: Uh huh.

Long pause

Daria: Looks good.

Jane: WILL YOU JUST PROPOSE TO HIM AND GET IT OVER WITH, DAMMIT!

Trent and Daria turn around and stare at Jane.

Trent: Say WHAT, Janey?

Jane: Um . . uh, Trent, look out! A tree!

Trent turns back around , swerves. He forgets about Jane and keeps driving. Daria is furious.

Daria: You promised . . . . . .

Jane: Did I say that? I never meant to say that, I swear!

Daria: Remember our deal?

Jane: Y-you were kidding, though . . . . . .right?

Daria: Stick by your telephone.

Later, that evening . . . .

T.V: This is the six o'clock news. Today, a simple news report gone terriblyawry. The tabloid
news show, Sick Sad World, had one of its prized reporters,Ann Morris, traumatized when she
was attacked by crazed monkeys who werejust minutes before seen writing anti-American and
anti-human messages oncomputers. No one is exactly sure what triggered this frightful event.

Jake: Say, Daria, wasn't that the show that you went to today? Did you see that?

Daria: It must have happened after I left. ( Thinking: well, it's sorta true)

Quinn: Hey, Dad, I'm back from fashion club

Daria: Why are you so happy? Weren't you supposed to be on TV with theHell's Angels today?

Quinn: Huh? Oh, those tickets. I gave them to Kevin.

Daria: So it was Kevin who was destined to get hassled by burly bikers.

Quinn (amazed): You heard about that?

Next day. Daria is back at school and talking to Upchuck

Upchuck: So, still care to take up my offer for one hot evening? Grrrowww!

Daria: I ungraciously decline, Upchuck, but there's one girl who's been driving me crazy. You
two would be perfect for each other. Here's her personal phonenumber.

Upchuck: Feisty, grrrrrrowwww

Here we have a sort of back-and-forth sequence. First you see Upchuck reading the number,
then dialing. Shoot to Jane's room. She is painting and suddenly her phone begins to ring. You
see her put down the brush. Back to Upchuck, who is holding the phone and licking his lips.
Jane picks up the reciever and . . .

Jane: Um, hello?

Daria: Hi, it's Daria. Listen, sorry about all that stuff I said about planning to give your number to
Upchuck. Don't worry, I didn't.

Jane: Ahhhh, it's okay, I was being a pain in the ass, I probably deserved the scare. By the way,
you forgot your pillow. I think Trent has it in his room. Want me to bring it back?

Daria: It's okay, he can keep it.

(muffled telephone sound coming from Quinn's room)

Quinn (on phone): Hello?

(muffled "grrroww")

Quinn screams.

Jane: What was that?

Daria (smiling): I have no idea.

la la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la . . . . . . .