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DARIA'S NIGHTMARE
by ANDREA
briliant@csi.com.ph


la la LA la la

Opening Scene:

Daria opens her locker. Miraculously, Kevin's not leaning on it. Jane
approaches.

JANE: Hey.
DARIA: (deadpan) hey.

(Something falls from her locker. A neatly folded letter. Daria reads it,
with Jane peering over her shoulder.)

This letter have been circulating in the world for centuries. It has
visited many countries and have been going around for many generations.

DARIA: Dammit. a chain letter.
(She crumples it, but sees at the bottom)

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE WILL COME TRUE IF..

DARIA: Crap.
JANE: Yea,.. what a bunch of losers.

(Shows the Fashion Club, with Quinn talking)
QUINN: Do you think my three wishes will come true? (gushes) Those shoes
looked absolutely adorable..
SANDI: Who did you send them to?
QUINN: Well, I sent one to Brittany, and to Cammi, to Teri, To Joey, Jeffy,
and um.... Jeremy
STACY: I think that's Jimmy, Quinn.
QUINN: Whatever. and to.. (shrugs) my cousin
SANDI:(sneers) As if she'd listen to that..
QUINN:Oh, she will, or else her nightmares will come true
TIFFANY: Yea, she wouldn't want to be uncool and popular..(looks at Quinn
for approval) would she?
SANDI: She already IS uncool and popular
STACY: Whatever...hey, maybe she'd like, have guys drooling over her or
something.
(They all shudder at the thought)

Meanwhile, Daria is at the cafeteria choosing her lunch.

DARIA: Hmmm.. I'll take that brownish cause for stomachache and who knows
what other cause for slow, mortifying death, please...
JANE: And I'll take that pulverized, chopped and ostracized cow's innards
you pass for meatloaf..
(The middle-aged woman seving lunch glared at them)
Daria smiles her famous Mona Lisa smile
DARIA and JANE: Thank you (Daria looks deadpan, and Jane is looking
innocently at the lady)
LADY: (mutters) high school punks

They eat their lunch
DARIA: Remind me to take travel sickness pills at tommorrow's lunch
JANE: We're not travelling
DARIA: I know, but everytime I eat lunch here I feel my body dying and
journeying towards hell.
JANE: Today, we're just eating meatloafs and hash browns, but what IF
tommorrow, meatloafs would eat us??
DARIA: I'm starting to be grateful meatloafs here are soft enough for us to
escape through their intestines
JANE: The thought makes me feel excited about the prospect
There never is enough excitement here In Lawndale High.
DARIA: Yea, sometimes I wish there'd be a comet crashing towards our
school, tsunamis, or earthquakes swallowing up The FashionClub, and taking
Brittany and Kevin with them.
JANE: Don't forget Upchuck.
DARIA: And especially Upchuck. The world will be a safer place without him.

Just then, The cafeteria becomes chaotic because or a great shaking or,
tremor, just like in Godzilla.
This is getting weird.
People are shouting."Earthquake!earthquake!"
The principal calms them down, "RELAX PEOPLE! DON"T PANIC!
I FORGOT TO ANNOUNCE THAT TODAY IS THE DEMOLITION OF THE NEARBY BUILDING.
STAY CALM! RETURN TO YOUR SEATS!"
(DAria and Jane remained calm and deadpan)
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh, joy.
JANE: Yea, excitement.

BRITTANY: (hugging Kevin) Oh, Kevie, I was so scared!! I thought we were
gonna die there
KEVIN: Don't worry babe, we're still alive,
(They kiss)

DARIA: Gag me with a knife
JANE: Watch out, it gets better

( THe fashion club are whining)
TIFFANY: OH, MY, GOD!! I broke a nail!!
STACY: UGH! MY hair! It can't stand this stressful..thingy that happened.
Now I need to buy tons of conditioner again!
QUINN: EEEWW!! Look at my jell-o! IT..IT..looks gross..
"IM GOING to TELL my DADDY about this!WE"RE GOING to SUE that other
building!" shouts SANDI
QUINN: Uh... for what?
SANDI:(looks at QUinn like she has an IQ of 2) DUH! for stressing us out?!
for doing.... stuff for us that will take weeks to repair? I mean,
Tiffany's nail can't be fixed easily, Duh!

DARIA: MY wish came true. There is a god.

But next morning, Daria wakes up and finds her usually clumpy hair soft and
bouncy

DARIA: What the hell-
She looks in the mirror to find out that she can see well without her
glasses. She seemed to be bustier, too.
Daria (thinksMY WORST NIGHTMARE HAS COME TRUE! I"VE BECAME MY SISTER!!!

DARIA hears heself saying, without her thinking about it
DARIA: AS IF!.... (thinking: oh my god) OH. MY. GOD.
She calls Jane
JANE: (groggily) HELLO? Trent, you can com home now, Mom and Dad are
already sleeping...
DARIA: Jane! you have got to help me! Like, right now!
JANE: Daria? why is your voice so peppy and alive?
DARIA: Duh! I have this really weird feeling that i've just become like,
like, you know,... QUINN!
JANE: Uh oh. I think you shouldn't have ignored that chain letter
DARIA: HEL-LO? instead of blaming me, why don't you come over here and find
out how to undo this.. thingy.
JANE: First tell me bout the morbid details
DARIA: O.K well, I woke up and found out that I was seeing clearly, at
first, I thought, it was a miracle, but then my voice became this.. shrill
peppy thing. and I saw my hair. It was bouncy and smooth and.ugh. silky.
JANE: Go on.
DARIA: AND that's my problem. I can't go throught high school with this
dress. Don't you have anything else I can wear?
THE END

EPILOGUE:
And that was it.
Daria was too obssessed with herself to try to change herself back to the
usual Daria we see. She hung out with the Fashion Club and became the
vice-president. Quinn forgot to mail one more chain letter. She was kicked
out and hit it off with Jane. JAne meanwhile, with some tips from Daria,
bcame gorgeous enough for QUinn's wounded pride, to be seen with.
Then we all woke up to find this is just a dream. Daria and jane, and
Quinn, became their old selves again.
But Kevin and Brittany are still a couple, and are still making out.

la la LA la la
by ANDREA
briliant@csi.com.ph