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"Death of a Rabbit"
by Barry Eshkol Adelman


Scene 0: Lawndale High, exterior. As the introductory bars of Madonna's
"Papa Don't Preach" play in the background, the students are shown filing
in in a montage of scenes. Most show the major characters walking in,
going to their lockers, though in one shot a skateboarder trying to slide
down a banister falls on his butt. Final shot in the montage first shows
Daria's Doc Martens as she walks through the halls, then pans upwards.
Fade to the next scene.


Scene 1: Mr. O'Neill's class, Lawndale High. Mr. O'Neill lectures as
Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, and others listen and suffer. Daria looks
sick.

O'Neill: And so some might say that Victor Frankenstein was like a single
parent. When he created the monster, he suddenly realized the import of
what he had done. How do you think this made him feel. Um, Kevin?

Kevin: He seemed rather happy about it.

O'Neill: Are you sure that's what he felt?

Kevin: He seemed happy when he was saying <imitating movie> "It's alive!
It's alive!"

O'Neill: Kevin, I don't want make you upset...

<Daria gets up, heads out of the room with hand over mouth>

Jane: <getting up> Let me go check on her.

<sound of bell ringing>


Scene 2: Bathroom, Lawndale High. No one is visible save a pair of boots
at the bottom of a stall when Jane enters.

Jane: Daria?

Daria: <emerging from stall, still looking sick> I'm here.

Jane: Are you okay? You looked like you were about to hurl.

Daria: You have a knack for predicting the future. This is what happens
from spending time with your brother.

Jane: You're not going to pin this all on him, are you? You were there,
after all. There had to be both of you for this to happen.

Daria: I'm only hoping now he's suffering as much as I am.

Jane: Not too likely. There are some biological differences. Maybe you
should just see the nurse.

Daria: And then the nurse would tell my parents and things could get
ugly. I'd rather suffer.

Jane: You keep puking and they're going to find out anyway.

Daria: It doesn't happen that often.

Jane: The third time this week. Just like Penny when she went through
this. I got some painkillers in my locker if you want them.

Daria: Aspirin? Not in my condition. Let's just get back to class
before they come looking for us.

Jane: You always have to drag us back into the fire...

<Daria and Jane exit. Two feet ascend from the bottom of the adjoining
stall, which then opens and Upchuck emerges. Upchuck sneaks out of the
bathroom.>


Scene 3: Hallway, Lawndale High. Upchuck, sneaking out of the girls'
bathroom, is caught by Andrea, who grabs his ear.

Upchuck: Owwwww!

Andrea: What were you doing in there?

Upchuck: It was an accident! Haven't you ever made a mistake?

Andrea: So you went in there and accidentally wrote "Chuck Ruttheimer is
a great lay" in the stalls again? I don't think so.

Upchuck: Oh, come on!

Andrea: You want to go back in there and check?

Upchuck: Alright! Alright! Just let go of my ear! <breaks away from
Andrea> God, you're worse than Daria, you crazy chicks!

Andrea: I'm sure she'll be happy to know you were watching her in there.

Upchuck: <wandering off, mumbling> Silly pregnant--

Andrea: <grabbing Upchuck's ear again> What'd you say?

Upchuck: Me and my big--

Andrea: Pregnant?

Upchuck: <lowering voice> Keep it down! You want everyone to know Daria
is pregnant?

Andrea: Stop lying!

Upchuck: She was just in there throwing up for the third time this week!
Talking about being with some guy and hiding it from her parents! You
think I would make up something like that?

Andrea: And it was you who knocked her up.

Upchuck: Are you kidding? She'd tear my head off!

Andrea: <shoving Upchuck> Get out of here! Don't let me hear you
spreading lies like that!


Scene 4: Cafeteria, Lawndale High. Jodie is eating lunch when Andrea
stops near her.

Andrea: <meekly> Jodie, can I talk to you?

Jodie: Sure, Andrea. Are you okay?

Andrea: <sitting down, lowering voice> Have you noticed anything strange
about Daria lately?

Jodie: Not for her.

Andrea: Are you sure? She hasn't been seeing someone different? Not
acting funny?

Jodie: Why? Have you noticed something?

Andrea: I've-- heard something about her. I have it on good authority
that she might be-- pregnant.

Jodie: Daria?

Andrea: I heard she's been seeing this new guy secretly and now she has
morning sickness.

Jodie: Come on...

Andrea: I'm serious. Someone saw her throwing up this morning. And have
you seen the way she's been in Dr. DiMartino's class? I thought she was
going to bite his head off the other day. Definite mood swings.

Jodie: Well, that might explain a few things...

<enter Daria and Jane with trays>

Andrea: <nervously> Uh, got to go! <exits>

Daria: What's up with her?

Jodie: Oh, nothing.

Jane: <setting down tray, as Daria does> Well, she is gloomy, so there's
got to be something right about her.

Daria: <supporting back with one arm while removing book bag> Just
because you hate the world doesn't mean it's for the right reasons.

Jodie: Are you okay, Daria?

Daria: <sitting down> Just my back...

<pan to next table, where Brittany and Kevin have been listening in; they
sit facing each other with Kevin's back to Daria>

Kevin: Whoa? Did I just hear that?

Brittany: I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. Oh, no, she's putting
mustard on her fries! She really is pregnant!

Kevin: That's like, really scary. Who was that cheerleader...?

Brittany: Melanie. That was terrible, the way she bloated up and had to
gain all that weight because the doctor said so! It's going to be even
worse for Daria; she looks bad enough as it is!

Kevin: She must be really bummed out about this. I mean, I think she is,
but it's so hard to tell. You think we should be like that word Mr.
O'Neill always uses, um, supportive?

Brittany: Oh, Kevvy, you're so smart! But we shouldn't let her know we
know. That would be embarrassing.

Kevin: Of course. But should we, like, send flowers?

<pan back to first table with Daria, Jane, and Jodie>

Daria: Actually, Harold Jan Brunvand in one of his books on urban legends
talked about that document.

Jane: That's what you said about the pet in the microwave. But the truth
is I actually know the person who did it.

<Kevin and Brittany approach Daria>

Kevin: <nervously> Um, Daria, we just wanted to say that we like
understand and, um, you know.

<Kevin and Brittany depart>

Jodie: What was that about?

Daria: Knowing them, they could be consoling me for having to deal with
Mr. O'Neill trying to be supportive all the time.

Jane: Or a bad hair day.

Daria: Bad hair decade.


Scene 5: Bathroom, Lawndale High. Tiffany emerges from a stall as Stacey
puffs nervously on a cigarette and Brittany adjusts her makeup at the
mirror.

Tiffany: <heading for sink> I can't believe someone wrote in there that
Upchuck was a sex machine.

Stacey: <to Brittany> Is this really true?

Brittany: <opening lipstick> I didn't believe it either at first.

Tiffany: <washing hands> What are you talking about?

Stacey: This is the weirdest thing. You know that girl, Quinn's cousin,
the one with the glasses? She was dating this guy, and then he dumped her
because she was really depressing, and now it turns out that she's
pregnant and he won't have anything to do with her. <puffs deeply> It's
_so_ sad.

Tiffany: It wasn't that Robert guy Quinn set her up with, was it?

Stacey: I think this guy is supposed to be some kind of loser. I mean,
she looks so weird, who would want to be with her?

Tiffany: Someone who doesn't care what he sleeps with?

Stacey: Oh my God! It must have been Upchuck!


Scene 6: Lawndale High, exterior. As students leave at the end of the
day, Upchuck is approached as he gets in his car by "Bobby Bighead" (from
"The Invitation").

"Bobby Bighead": Hey, Upchuck! You dog! Way to go!

Upchuck: Thanks, it was--uh, what's way to go?

"Bobby Bighead": I just heard you scored with that weird girl with the
glasses.

Upchuck: What!

"Bobby Bighead": Rod told me that he heard you and she did it like every
way, and she was like mind-blowing awesome!

Upchuck: Well, I--no, that didn't happen!

"Bobby Bighead": How did you know that someone like her would be like
fantastic? Maybe it's like those extra brain cells make them know how to
drive you crazy--

Upchuck: <grabbing "Bobby Bighead"'s collar through open window> Listen,
you, I never touched her. If she thinks I've been saying things like that
about her, she'll kill me. If I get killed, I'll see that she kills you
too. You understand?

"Bobby Bighead": Yeah, man, like whatever.

Upchuck: <starting his car> Then let's keep it that way. <drives off>

"Bobby Bighead": <calling to someone out of frame> Hey, Matt! What till
you hear what I just heard about Upchuck!


Scene 7: Hallway outside Jane's locker, Lawndale High. Jane is going
through her locker when Daria approaches. The latter is dressed in a
white blouse, red skirt, black leather jacket, black leggings, red boots,
and has a pendant around her neck (cf. _Beavis and Butt-Head_).

Jane: Wow! A different outfit.

Daria: I got a presentation later in Mr. O'Neill's class. He asked me to
wear something less drab and with more contrast.

Jane: That'll do it. Though black against yellow has more visual
contrast than black against white. The red ought to draw their attention
to an interesting place.

Daria: You have a dirty mind, Jane.

Jane: This is almost kinky for you. Trent might like seeing you dressed
up like this.

Daria: Shut up, Jane.

<pan across hallway to Brooke (from "Too Cute") and the popular girl from
"The Invitation">

Brooke: There are those weirdoes again.

popular girl: You won't believe what I heard about them.

Brooke: What, they killed someone? The one with the glasses looks like
she could do it.

popular girl: No, I heard the one with the glasses, Daria's her name, she
slept with Upchuck.

Brooke: That's sick.

popular girl: I don't make up this stuff. I also heard she got pregnant,
and now her parents kicked her out and she's living with that weird friend
of hers.

Brooke: She doesn't look that ticked. She must have parents as awful as
Quinn's aunt and uncle. I don't think I've ever seen her dressed like
that before. But if she's so smart, why did she go out with Upchuck?

popular girl: Don't ask me. Maybe she's such a slut she doesn't care who
she sleeps with. But those clothes, I think she might be wearing them to
hide the pregnancy.

<pan back to Daria and Jane>

Jane: What you should really do is buy like five packs of gum, and the
next time she tells you that, you'll be prepared.

<Brooke approaches>

Brooke: <to Daria> If you're going to hide it, try something black and
baggy.

<exit Brooke; Daria and Jane look confused>


Scene 8: Homeroom, Lawndale High. Daria and Jane sit side-by-side, all
the other students looking at them without trying to be seen looking at
them.

Daria: <to Jane> Do you have any idea what's going on?

Jane: I had a dream once like this. Of course in that dream I had
forgotten to wear my clothes and was singing show tunes. I don't have a
big zit on my nose, do I?

Daria: Afraid not. Usually I get the strange looks after I try to talk
to people. Have we done something?

Jane: I think we destroyed the evidence. Let's try the scientific
method. <to Brittany> Hey, Britt!

Brittany: Argh! <nervously> Oh, Jane, uh, hi, Jane.

<Mr. DiMartino, sitting at the desk, looks up from his copy of _Harper's_
briefly>

Jane: Is something wrong?

Brittany: Wrong? Uh, no, of course not, uh, nothing is wrong. Why?
Does something seem wrong? Because it isn't. Everything's fine, perfect.

Jane: <to Daria> She's lost it.

Daria: She never had it. Have you been hit on lately?

Jane: Not by anyone I'd care for. Why? Does my brother have
competition?

Daria: Some sleazeball hit on me earlier, said he likes girls in my
condition and would help me maintain my cover.

Jane: I don't get it. I thought everyone knew you were a double agent.
Are you getting the feeling something is wrong?

Daria: Something's been wrong since Quinn was born. Unfortunately I
can't blame all this on her. Well, I could but it wouldn't be fair.

Jane: And why does that matter?


Scene 10: Locker Room, Lawndale High. Right after gym class, an unhappy
Upchuck approaches Mack.

Upchuck: Can I talk to you? I think I did something horrible.

Mack: <sigh> Sit down. What's on your mind?

Upchuck: I think I drove Daria to get pregnant.

Mack: This is some kind of joke, right?

Upchuck: I'm serious. Didn't you hear she was pregnant?

Mack: I don't listen to rumors.

Upchuck: It's true. I heard it myself, and I think I may have driven her
to it. You remember how many times I hit on her?

<fade into flashback; Upchuck approaches Daria in the hall and launches
into preposterous seductive routine>

Upchuck: So, Daria, did I tell you my folks will be away all weekend?

Daria: About five hundred times. You must really think I'm LD.

Upchuck: They're going to be in Bermuda, far, far away. That means my
guest and myself will be alone, all alone, no chance of interruptions.
What do you say, Daria? Care to have our own little study group?

Daria: Do I have the word "desperate" tattooed on my forehead?

Upchuck: I know the other guys might not be interested, but they can't
appreciate you like I can. Under that disdainful and cold exterior I know
there lurks an incredible young woman, bursting with passion, just waiting
for an opportunity to get out. What will it be? Are you going to keep on
pretending, or would you rather cast off your facade and lose yourself in
a weekend of pleasure? What do you say, Daria?

Daria: If I said it, they'd write me up for using profanity.

Upchuck: <rowr> Feisty!

<fade back to present>

Mack: Upchuck, I do _not_ need to know this!

Upchuck: I kept pushing her and pushing her. What a mistake! And then
when she couldn't take it anymore, she slept with some guy just to prove
there wasn't something wrong with her, and now she's ruined her life!
It's all my fault! <starts crying uncontrollably>

Mack: <awkwardly> Uh, there, there.

<pan to behind next row of lockers, where Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, and Corey
(from "Esteemsters" and "Quinn the Brain") are nearly ready to go to their
next class>

Joey: Oh my God! Did you hear that?

Corey: I heard it was Upchuck that got her pregnant.

Jeffy: This place is worse than a soap opera. Not that I ever watch
those...

Jamie: That Daria is that sister Quinn is always calling her cousin,
right?

Jeffy: Can you blame her? She's so weird.

<Evan (from "See Jane Run") approaches>

Evan: Are you talking about that brain with the red hair and glasses?

Jamie: Yeah, that's her. Have you heard something?

Evan: I know something. I heard she was a lesbo months ago. That's why
she doesn't talk to guys and dresses funny to keep them away. You know
Jane, that girl she's always with, the skinny one with the black hair and
multiple earrings? That's her girlfriend.

Joey: No way!

Evan: When she was on the track team, all these guys were interested in
her, but she blew them off so she could hang with that brain. That's how
I know. No one who wasn't already a freak would hang out with one.

Jamie: You're being rather hard on her just because she's gay.

Evan: What are you, one of them, Josiah?

Jamie: I'm Jamie!

Corey: <giggling> You said "hard on."


Scene 10: Cafeteria, Lawndale High. At a table sit Sandi, Stacey,
Tiffany, and Quinn at one end and Corey, Roger (from "The New Kid"), and
Shawn (ditto) at the other.

Sandi: Pregnant? Are you serious?

Stacey: That's what we heard from Brittany.

Sandi: Brittany is a lipstick short of a compact.

Tiffany: This morning we've heard the same things from at least three
different people. It has to be true. Besides, if she were really so much
of a cold fish, why would she be showing off so much leg?

Quinn: But her? She never goes out. She's always, I mean, I hear she's
always with that weird girl with all the earrings.

Corey: Excuse me, Quinn, but I heard about that girl. That's her
girlfriend.

Roger: That Darcy chick has a friend?

Corey: No, her _girlfriend_. She's a lesbian.

Quinn: What!

Sandi: That makes so much sense. Only someone like that would have such
a disregard for her appearance. Glasses and no makeup? You have to be
right.

Quinn: But if that's true, and I'm not saying it is, then how did she get
pregnant?

Stacey: Maybe she likes both.

Corey: I heard she was seeing Upchuck so people wouldn't think she was a
lesbian and that's how it happened.

Quinn: But she isn't seeing anyone, uh, so I hear. The only one she
would be around that much--oh my God! It's not Upchuck! It's Trent!

Sandi: Who?

Quinn: He's Jane's--that other weird girl's--older brother. I've seen
him come over, I mean, visit my cousin, when she's, uh, around a lot. She
must have made him do it just so my par--people would believe she was
going out with him.

Sandi: And she slept with him to pay him off? That slut.

Stacey: The way she looks, he must be some desperate loser to want to be
with her.

Quinn: That Trent is really screwed up. I mean, I've run into him a few
times and he wouldn't even talk to me. He only has eyes for Daria, so
obviously he's got brain damage or something. And if he's sleeping with
his sister's girlfriend, God, who knows what kind of pervert he is?


Scene 11: Mrs. Manson's (from "Esteemsters") office. Mrs. Manson is at
her desk when Daria enters.

Daria: You wanted to see me?

Mrs. Manson: Yes, Dara, please have a seat.

Daria: It's "Daria."

Mrs. Manson: Sorry, _Daria_. I wanted to talk to you, see how you're
doing. Several people have stopped by express their concerns about you.

Daria: Who ratted?

Mrs. Manson: That's not really important.

Daria: How am I supposed to remain alienated if people start getting
sympathetic?

Mrs. Manson: Dara--

Daria: My name is "Daria." If you can't remember that, maybe you should
use my last name.

Mrs. Manson: If you want, Ms. Morgendorkker--

Daria: Morgen_dorf_fer. _Daria Morgendorffer_. Do you want me to write
it down?

Mrs. Manson: The name isn't important. What is important is that many
people tell me you might be "different" somehow.

Daria: I am different. Most students here wouldn't be caught dead
thinking.

Mrs. Manson: Most of the people I've seen say you haven't adjusted very
well, you have made different, uh, "life decisions." Not that anything's
wrong with that, but it does make certain people uncomfortable.

Daria: Listen, Mrs. Manson, I already told you I am not about to
lobotomize myself to fit in, and my mother told you to stop harassing me
just because you think I'm a misfit. Believe me, the threat of lawsuit is
real. So give it a rest before I do something you regret. <heads for
door>

Mrs. Manson: But, Dara--

<Daria slams door behind herself; cut to scene in hallway where she
encounters Upchuck>

Upchuck: <brief scream>

Daria: What's up with you?

Upchuck: Nothing! Really, nothing! Why? Have you heard something?

Daria: No--

Upchuck: Because if you heard something it isn't true! It wasn't me who
did it--

Daria: Upchuck--

Upchuck: I wouldn't go around telling people stories--

Daria: What the hell are you talking about!

Upchuck: <pause> Oh, nothing. <runs off>


Scene 12: Lawndale suburbs, exterior. Daria and Jane are walking home.

Daria: This is too disturbing.

Jane: You're telling me? Some girl pulled me aside today and said if I
broke up, she hoped I'd call her.

Daria: What'd you say?

Jane: Nothing. But Upchuck should be pleased that he now has a secret
admirer. And Mrs. Manson thinks _you_ need more help.

Daria: Mr. O'Neill is bad enough. I don't need to look at a bunch of
Rorschach prints on top of it.

Jane: Just tell her all of them show cute animals getting killed. That's
what I did and look where I am now.

Daria: Mind if I hang at your place for a while? Quinn was looking at me
funny in the halls.

Jane: She does that all the time.

Daria: Funny for her. Like I had burned her clothes.

Jane: That's not a bad idea. Treat it as an art form, and when the judge
asks you how you plead, you can always say "creative license."


Scene 13: Morgendorffer home. Cut from exterior shot to interior shot of
living room. As Helen enters the front door, Quinn approaches.

Quinn: Mom, thank God you're home! I've got to talk to you!

Helen: What's wrong, honey? This doesn't have to do with that Clive
person you're dating, does it?

Quinn: What? No, I dumped him a long time ago. It has to do with Daria.

Helen: Not this old thing again. <cellular phone rings> Hold on.
<answers> Hello! <pause> Yes, Eric. <pause> What? <pause> Are you
sure? <pause> I already submitted them...

Quinn: <rolls eyes, goes into kitchen>

Helen: Look, Eric, I already did that. I don't care what the prosecutor
said... <phone beeps> Hold on, I have another call. <takes other call>
Hello!

<cut to kitchen, where Quinn is on phone>

Quinn: Mom, I have to talk to you! Daria's pregnant!

Helen: <awkward pause, switches back to first call> Eric, I'll have to
call you back.


Scene 14: Lane house, interior. The phone rings in the kitchen and Trent
answers.

Trent: Hello?

Helen: <on other end> Yes, this is Daria's mother. May I please speak
to my daughter?

Trent: Uh, sure, hold on. <thumping noises heard from above; Trent looks
up, talks to himself> Awfully noisy up there; what are they doing?

Helen: <muttering to self> Oh my God, they're doing it!

Trent: What?

Helen: Wait, is this that Trent person, Jane's brother?

Trent: What's it to you?

Helen: I want to know what you've been doing with my daughter. I've
heard <pause> things.

Trent: What _things_?

Helen: I heard you were <pause> the one. You two did things together.

Trent: Uh, sometimes, I guess. Is that a problem?

Helen: Yes it is a problem! For heaven's sake, she's underage!

Trent: I don't know what you've heard, lady, but I did _not_ give her
alcohol.

Helen: I'm not talking about alcohol!

Trent: Then what are you talking about?

<cut to interior of Jane's room, where Jane sketches while Daria jumps up
and down on the bed>

Daria: This is the stupidest thing you ever talked me into.

Jane: I wanted to see the way things would look while they're falling. I
plan to do some pictures of people being tossed out of airplanes.

Daria: Do I need to ask who?

<knocking at door; Daria stops jumping>

Jane: Come in.

<Trent enters>

Trent: Hey, Jane. Hey, Daria.

Daria: Hey.

Trent: You're mother's on the phone for you. I think she's having an
acid flashback or something.

Daria: Thanks. <takes phone while Trent leaves room> Hello?

Helen: <on other end> Daria, what are you doing over there?

Daria: We're making a porno flick.

Helen: What!

Daria: I'm just posing for Jane's sketches. Fully clothed.

Helen: We need to talk, Daria. Can you be home soon?


Scene 15: Morgendorffer house, living room, interior. Helen, Jake, and
Quinn are gathered when Daria enters.

Daria: Mom, Dad, what is this? Did Quinn convince you to have a fashion
intervention?

Helen: Daria, we need to speak. Quinn has told us all about what you're
going through.

Daria: That high school is pointless and irritating?

Helen: I know you must be very confused and scared right now. You
probably think we're going to be upset. We are upset. But certain things
are more important now. You have a big decision to make and not much
time. Whatever you decide, Daria, whether you think it's better to give
it up or you want to take on that responsibility... We know you're a
smart girl, Daria. We'll support you, whatever you decide is best.

<awkward pause>

Daria: That was very <pause> moving, but I have no idea what you're
talking about.

Helen: What I'm trying to say is--

Jake: <jumping up> Oh, damn it, Helen! Daria, why the hell'd you have
to get pregnant!

Daria: Pregnant!

Helen: Jake, sit down!

Jake: I will _not_ sit down! Some guy had sex with my daughter and got
her pregnant!

Daria: Dad--

Jake: Quinn goes out all the time and she's not having sex! Are you,
sweetie?

Quinn: What? Uh, yeah, right, Dad, whatever.

Jake: But _you_ have to go out with this Trent guy and _BAM!_ You jump
in the sack and get knocked up! And all to prove you're not a lesbian!

Daria: Lesbian! What did you tell them, Quinn?

Quinn: Just the _truth_, the stuff that everybody's been talking about.

Jake: Wait till I get my hands on that Jane kid who seduced you and made
you a lesbian! Argh! <clutches temples, crumples to the floor> My
head's going to explode!


Scene 16: Lawndale High, cafeteria. In the middle of lunch, Daria climbs
onto a table in the middle of the room and addresses the students, who
quickly attend, using a megaphone.

Daria: Attention! My name is Daria Morgendorffer, and I would like to
clear up a few things. I am not pregnant. I have been throwing up
because I have a stomach flu. I am always irritable from living among
idiots. I have some back problems from carrying too many books and not
enough exercise. I happen to like mustard on my fries. I am not a
lesbian who got pregnant to prove I am not a lesbian. I have not been
dumped by the father of my child, nor did I seduce the father of my child,
pursue inappropriate relations with a teacher, or rob a sperm bank. There
is no baby on the way. Furthermore, who I am seeing is no one else's
business. <Daria climbs off table; cut to people in the cafeteria who
have been listening>

Evan: Lesbo freak.

popular girl from "The Invitation": She's already showing.

Brooke: I pity the kid she'll be having.

Roger: I wonder if a loose girl like her would go out with me...?

Shawn: What?


Scene 17: Backstage, a club. As the rest of Mystik Spiral sets up, Daria
and Trent sit on the steps to the side and talk.

Daria: Sorry for any of the spillover stupidity that reached you.

Trent: That's okay. I take it you had a hell of a time convincing your
parents.

Daria: That is one use for a cup I was hoping to avoid for a while.
They're still suspicious of Jane.

Trent: They should be. I couldn't leave her alone with Jesse if he
wasn't so out of it. Who started this rumor anyhow?

Daria: That'll probably be one of the great unsolved mysteries. Someone
could have said something, someone else misheard it, and by the time it
gets back the story is so warped that even the person who started the
thing can't recognize it.

Trent: But still, you think people suspect something? They wouldn't have
believed it if they didn't think you were doing what it takes to get
pregnant.

Daria: I don't know. I just hope when and if it really happens, I can be
the one to break the news before the rumor mill starts up.

<Jane approaches from the stage>

Jane: Hey, Trent, they're about to announce you.

Trent: Thanks, Jane. <patting the back of Daria's hand> See you after
the show.

Daria: I just hope you can get through the show without throwing up this
time.

Trent: I think I've recovered.

<Jane and Daria go around to the front of the stage to watch the
performance>

announcer on stage: And now we are pleased to present to you one of
our...

Jane: <jokingly> Just promise me, Daria, that you'll never leave me.

Daria: <equally jokingly> Oh, Jane, you're the only one I truly love.

announcer on stage: ...give it up for Mystik Spiral!

<zoom in between and behind Daria and Jane, where a shocked Upchuck is
standing; fade to credits>