"Empire Strikes Back Records"
Scene 1 (May 14 Empire Strikes Back Records)
-Trent: Janey? Daria? What are you doing here?
-Jane: What are we doing here? Trent, it looks like your
-Jesse: We figure if our band is going to make it big, weve gotta be exposed to
all kinds of music. (Note: There is NO music playing)
-Jane: Jesse, I hate to point this out to you but
-Jesse: No! What I mean is we can, you know, check out the covers, see what kind of
music people are buying.
-Daria (under her breath to Jane) Maybe their talent will rub off on them.
-Trent: (On Jesses commentary about their jobs) yea, thats why. So Janey,
Daria, why are you two here?
(She is interrupted by the arrival of Jim, a 30-something and attractive man who is
their new manager)
-Jim: Hey guys and welcome to your new job at Empire Strikes Back Records. Sorry
"the man" makes me say that.
-Trent: We hear ya.
-Jim: Should I introduce you to each other or have you already become aquatinted?
-Jane: Actually Jesse is my boyfriend and Trent is my brother. Daria knows them too; of
course shed like to get to know Trent a little better
-Daria (to Jane) I hate you.
-Jim: I have a very special announcement
(all eyes look on expectedly) On June 27th
we will be having-the FIRST EVER
REX HERRING DAY!!!!!!!!
-Trent: I feel your pain (gives her a brotherly pat on the head, she screams again, he
backs away frightened)
-Jesse: Rex Herring (Daria screams)
-Jesse: Rex Herring (Daria screams)
-Jesse: (smiles, getting into it) Rex
-Jesse: RRReeexxx HHHeerring (Daria ssscccrrreeeaaammmsss)
-Jesse: Rex He-He-He-Herring (Daria sc-sc-sc-screams)
-Trent and Jane in unison: KNOCK IT OFF!!!!
-Jesse: Yea Daria, relax. Rex
-Trent: We mean you man enough already.
-Jesse: You got a soft spot when it comes to Daria.
(Trent shoots Jesse an evil look. Jane drags Daria into the count out room.)
-Jane: Dont be so upset, its only one day.
-Daria: Jane, Im about to tell you my deepest secret. I love Rex Herring. (Jane
begins to laugh-but Daria is not laughing-its true)
-Jane (hopefully) Funny Daria, real funny.
-Daria: No. Its true. All my life, since I saw him on The Merry
-Jane: (obviously shocked) You watch that show?!
-Daria: (looks down sheepishly) I have every episode on tape, hidden underneath a loose
(Jane takes a deep breath as if to scream. Daria clamps her hand over Janes
mouth. Tears of shame and disgust roll down Janes face.)
Daria: (taking her hand off Janes mouth) Dont tell Tr
Jane: (Sobbingly wails) Fine
okay. (sniff, sniff) I promise.
(Jane goes to the bathroom to pull herself together. The rest of the day passes
Scene 2 (May 29-Morgendorffer Kitchen)
(Daria sits smiling slightly)
-Helen: Daria, dear, youre positively glowing!
-Quinn: Why is she glowing? She has nothing to be happy about. But I do! Ask me what I
-Helen: Quinn, honey, were talking about Daria right now. Doesnt she look
SO happy today, Jake?
-Jake: What, yea! Quinn does look happy
-Helen: Jake! We were discussing Daria (she pounds her fist on the table. The plates
jump.) Dont you pay any attention to whats going on in this house?!
-Jake: (looks up from his newspaper) Huh? Uh, Okay?
-Helen: (sighs) Now, Daria, why are you in such a good mood today?
-Daria: I finally decided to go through with the suicide. Ive made peace with
-Jake: Peace! Thats great, kiddo!
-Helen: Jake! Daria, youre not serious, are you?
-Daria: No, Im fine. The reason Im so happy is because I have a job at the
-Quinn: You cant have a job at the music store! My friends go to the music store!
-Daria: Worry not my dear sister um, cousin, Quinn; none of your friends shop there.
-Quinn: What are you talking about? Everyone goes to Music Village. Its the only
place to buy music.
-Daria: Not the only place. Believe it or not, there are some music stores that
arent in the mall. Ever heard of Empire Strikes Back Records?
-Quinn: Ew! Gross! You work there?! That place is full of rats!
-Daria: No. Just some big cockroaches. But theyre friendly and trained to do
-Quinn: Eeeeewww! (The phone rings, Quinn answers it) Hello.
-Trent: Hi, is Daria there? (Screen splits)
-Quinn: Um, youre a guy.
-Quinn: Youre calling Daria.
-Quinn: Wrong Daria. (Click)
Scene 3 (May 29-Lane residence)
-Trent: Janey? (He steps into the basement; Jane is down there painting a picture of
Trents guitar) Can I talk to you about Daria?
-Jane: (raises one eyebrow) sure. Why?
-Trent: Is something going on with her? I tried calling. I thought it was her, but she
put on this bimbo voice and hung up on me.
-Jane: I think you should go over and talk to her.
Scene 4 (May 29 Morgendorffer residence)
(A knock on the front door, Quinn opens it.)
(Trent stands coolly at the door. Viva forever plays as Quinns
jaw drops open)
-Trent: Is Daria here?
-Quinn: Im nineteen!
-Trent: (Thinking) So shes the one with the bimbo voice, it wasnt Daria
hanging up on me.
-Quinn: I swear nineteen years old!
-Trent: Congratulations. I really need to see Daria. Is she home?
-Quinn: Uh, no. Shes
-Daria: (OC) Whos at the door? Another one of your admirers?
-Trent: That sounded an awful lot like Daria.
-Quinn: It wasnt. Thats my mother. She sounds like Daria
a date. Yeah! She already has a boyfriend, and really doesnt need to complicate that
so you should really
-Daria: (Coming to the door) Oh, hi. (Uncomfortable silence as the three stand there
staring at each other)
-Trent: Daria, I just thought maybe something was wrong. You kept screaming and
-Quinn: (Eyeing the two) Do I want to hear about this? (Trent and Daria look
embarrassed. They blush.)
-Trent: I figured it had something to do with Rex Herring. I dont know,
youre usually so focussed and on target. Plus youre not usually that loud. You
seemed really distracted and you definitely werent enjoying yourself.
(Quinn looks horrified)
-Daria: (Eyeing Quinn) Can we go up to my room to talk about this?
(Quinn looks queasy and faint. Trent comes in and accidentally knocks her over. She
doesnt get up. She lifts her head up)
-Quinn: Just dont drive your headboard through the wall and into my room. (Daria
glares at Quinn and gestures for Trent to follow her upstairs. They are now in
-Daria: This is my
I mean heres the
I sleep here
what I mean
is, um, so what was it you were saying?
-Trent: Daria, youre really worrying me. You can tell me-Whats wrong.
(As he speaks, he walks closer and closer. Daria, nervous and anxious backs further and
further, until he now has her against the wall. Daria tries to escape, so he puts his
hands on the wall on either side of her. Daria gulps nervously and silently. The door
-Trent: Dont! You know you want to
-Helen: Daria! Who is this?! What the hell is going on in here?!
-Quinn: I knew it!
-Daria: (feebly) Ever here of knocking?
(Trent turns around and backs up- not into Daria-rather next to her)
-Trent: (fumbling) Hi. Im uh, Trent. You know Janeys brother?
-Helen: Lovely to meet you. But what are you doing with my daughter in her bedroom with
the door closed?!
-Quinn: I know what they were doing!
-Trent: We were just, you know, talking.
-Helen: Since when do you need to pin someone against the wall to talk. Listen, boy,
the LAST thing I need is a grandchild. I look too young to be a mother, never mind a
(Daria buries her head in her hands-completely embarrassed)
-Daria: (Voice muffled, yet understandable) I swear all we were doing is talking.
-Helen: You can "finish talking" (makes finger quotes) downstairs in the
-Daria: (Looks up) Fine. Just keep Quinn away from us.
(They walk down the stairs and Trent and Daria sit across from each other at the table)
-Daria: The truth is, Im in love with Rex Herring.
-Trent: Well, uh.
-Trent: You know what, I think I need a drink (stands up) Bye.
(Trent gives her a friendly pat on the head to show this will not affect their
Scene 5 (June 19-Empire Strikes Back Records)
(Trent and Jesse are working behind the checkout counter)
-Trent: What a boring day.
-Jesse: Yea. Boring.
-Trent: Hey, whos that guy.
(The door blows open. A short man with curly hair and a goatee wearing all black
enters. Everyone stares, frightened. Jim walks out front.)
-Jim: Darth Vedder. What
what are you doing here?
-Darth Vedder: You know why Im here Jim.
(Darth Vedder points to Jims office in the back. Jim is obedient. They enter the
back room closing the door partially. From where Trent and Jesse are, they cannot hear
Darth Vedders conversation. Jesse goes over to the door to eavesdrop. Trent rolls
his eyes and continues to work. Jesse can barley make out what is being said. He does
however hear the following.)
-Jim: Empire Strikes Back Records CANT become a Record Village!!! I wont
-Darth Vedder: Im afraid you have no choice.
-Jim: Wait. (Theres a rustling noise and Jesse peers through the door. He sees
Jim showing Darth Vedder a pile of money. Darth Vedder laughs evilly at Jims meager
-Darth Vedder: Youll need MUCH more than that if you want to save Empire Strikes
(Jim sighs and puts the money back into the UNLOCKED draw. A light bulb goes of over
Jesses head, an idea was forming)
Scene 6 (June 19 late that night-Empire Strikes Back Records)
(Jesse has convinced Trent to go home early and let him close the store. He goes into
Jims office and takes the money out of the draw. He counts it, twice; there is just
enough money for what he wants to do to save the store.)
-Jesse: (Thinking out loud) But is it really my place to try and save it? Should I take
it or leave it here?
(He looks down at the money in his hands, he looks over at the door and considers
leaving with the money. He then looks at the open draw; maybe he should just put it back)
-Jesse: (Thinking out loud) I know what I have to do.
END PART ONE
Scene 7 (Lane front door-June 20)
(Door opens. Trent, Jane and Daria see Jesse, wearing new clothes and carrying a huge
bag. A short scarred man stands carrying two new guitars. Trent falls to his knees as he
realizes who it is. Trent and the man are now at eye level.)
-Trent: Its you! (The man nods)
-Jane: (To Daria) who is that?
-Daria: (Disgusted) you dont know?!?!
-Jane: (Mock disgust) no!!
-Greggi Wan Kenobi: I
-Trent: Greggi Wan Kenobi, the greatest music mogul of all time.
-Greggi: Silence! As this puny mortal (Trent stands up indignantly) just said, I am
Greggi Wan Kenobi, music manager.
-Trent: Whos puny? (Jesse looks at Trent shocked) Oh
Im sorry sir,
I didnt mean
(falls to his knees) PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
-Greggi: Arise my son. You are young yet. There is much time for you to learn how to
-Trent: Yes your greatness, Mr.
-Jesse: (interrupting Trents ramble) Anyway, what happened was, I had
-Everyone: (except Greggi) Oh, god!
-Jesse: A plan, okay here it
-Trent: Jesse, whered you get the money for all this (he gestures at the bags and
-Jesse: Well, Jim wanted to buy the store from Darth Vedder because hes going to
turn it into a Record Village. But he said no, so Jim put the money into a draw. I took
the money the day I closed up
(eyes widen) I bought the clothes (he gestures at the
bags) and the guitars
(mouths drop) then I flew to LA, first class of course, and
talked to Greggi here
(heads lean forward) who I flew back, first class of course,
and came here. (eyes bug out) Heres the plan, with all this stuff, we (gestures to
Trent and himself) can make it big, damn the man and SAVE THE EMPIRE! (everyone is
(he smiles expectantly) you are an idiot. (He looks dejected, then
looks to Daria and Trent for support. They shake their heads.)
-Trent: You just screwed the Empire.
-Daria: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? NOW WHAT? WHAT IF WE ALL GET FIRED?
(Everyone is shocked at Darias outburst.)
-Jane: Daria, maybe you should calm
-Daria: CALM DOWN, JANE?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME TO DO?! WELL I
CANT STAND THE IDEA OF NOT MEETING REX-I MEAN THE IDEA OF GETTING FIRED!! AND IF WE
DONT MEET REX-I MEAN IF WE DO GET FIRED, IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF YOUR IDIOT
BOYFRIEND!!! (Shes twitching)
-Greggi: (Smacks Daria) Get a hold of yourself, my young, lovesick protégé. All will
be solved, but first, we eat.
-Jane: (Ignoring Greggi; to Daria) At least I have a boyfriend; Im not a complete
-Greggi: (Smacks Jane) Calm yourself.
-Jesse: (Smacks Greggi) Hey!
-Trent: (Smacks Jesse) Come on, man! A little respect!
-Greggi: (Smacks Trent) I will speak for myself.
-Jesse: (Smacks Trent) Yeah!
-Daria: (Smacks Jesse) He said hed speak for himself.
-Jane: (Smacks Daria) Stop being so violent.
-Trent: (Smacks Jane) Kind of hypocritical, huh?
-Jesse: (Smacks Trent) youre so much better.
-Greggi: (Smacks Jesse) You started this, you must end it.
-Jesse: Actually first YOU hit Daria, then YOU hit Jane so in reality YOU started it.
(everyone looks kind of confused)
-Greggi: All would be well if you hadnt tried to "save" your store.
-Jane: (Smacks Jesse) Hes right you wasted the money.
-Daria: (Smacks Jesse) This stuff wont save Empire Strikes Back Records!
-Jesse: But I
-Trent: (Smacks Jesse) You lost my sunglasses in tenth grade (whining/pouting) I loved
-Jesse: But I
(fumbles through the stuff)
I bought you the same ones, only
-Trent: (Obviously touched) Oh, man... oh, you really shouldnt have. Thats,
thats just so great
(Daria and Jane exchange a look)
Scene 8 (Empire Strikes Back Records: out back Rex Herring Day!)
(Set up is commencing. Video Killed the Radio Star is playing (the good 80s
version, the one that doesnt suck)
and that was my plan. What do you think? Now you can stop freaking out!
You know what happened to the money and you must be relieved to hear it was spent well (He
smiles confidently) I think its going to be okay.
-Jim: (angrily) And what makes you think that?
-Jesse: Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear.
-Trent: Jim, we could just tar and feather Darth Vedder
or Jesse. Whoever. (The
idea obviously appeals to Trent.)
-Jim: (Stares blankly for a moment, then seems to consider the idea. Shaking his head.)
No! Im staying in my office to think of some ideas. I have to explain this to Darth
Scene 9 (Customer Area)
and I still cant believe you called me an ice queen. Im NOT an
-Jane: Daria, I TOLD you I was sorry, why cant you just drop it. I was just
trying to defend myself.
-Daria: No you werent, you were defending your idiot boyfriend.
-Jane: So he made one mistake, (now becoming sarcastic) we cant ALL be as perfect
(Cut to Trent and Jesse elsewhere in Customer Area)
-Trent: These are cheap knock-offs, Jesse. You are such a loser.
-Jesse: You should be glad I even got you a pair. I shouldnt have wasted the
money, your face is to fat for those anyway.
-Trent: (yelling) I happen to have a quite slender face.
(There are the sounds of Daria and Jane, and Trent and Jesse arguing in the background.
Mark (with a K), a co-worker of theirs stands atop a stairway thinking out loud to
-Mark(with a K): (hearing the bickering below) We cant have it this way. We
mustnt. (Running down the staircase he sticks his head in the camera, a big grin on
his face) Not Today! Not on Rex Herring day. (the second the words are out of his mouth,
Video Killed The Radio Star (80s good one) starts to play)
-Jim: (Sticks his head out of the office and yells) Who the hell put the stereo on
-Mark(with a K): Sorry Jim.
Scene 10 (Behind Empire Strikes Back Records)
(A limousine pulls up, a man and his assistant step out. The man is wearing a shiny
pink, tasseled shirt with tight white jeans and cowboy boots. With him is a youngish lady
with red hair. The lady is dressed normally in jeans and a black shirt.)
-Rex: Oh god, would you look at this place?
-Lady: Dont knock it, Rex, I was born and raised in Lawndale. Besides, Middle
America DOES buy your records.
-Rex: Come on Jenn
-Jenn: Rex, youre not here to judge, youre here to sign autographs for your
eagerly awaiting fans.
-Rex: (Not at all modestly) well I do have a lot of fans, dont I?
-Jenn: (Monotone) Yes Rex (rolls her eyes at the oblivious washout) (mutters) Millions
Scene 11 (Empire Strikes Back Records-Side room)
-Daria: (hesitantly) Jane?
-Jane: (kind of rudely) What?
-Daria: When, when um he
Rex that is
comes. Could you just send him in here?
-Jane: Sure, but when your done with him, send him to me.
(Jane leaves before Daria can ask why. She closes the door behind her and then cocks
the gun shes been hiding)
Scene 12 (Customer Area)
(Rex enters the music store and looks around in disgust. He sees (of course he
doesnt know who they are but we do, so well tell you.) Mark(with a K), Jesse
-Rex: You guys work here?
-Mark(with a K)(sarcastically) Nah, we just wear nametags that say Empire Strikes Back
Records because we think theyre fun.
(No one laughs)
-Mark(with a K)(annoyed at the response or lack there of) Yea well one day Im
gonna show you little people!!
-Jim: (who could hear Marks blabbering from his office pokes his head out) Yea,
if Im not dead, Ill jump out of my wheelchair and do a dance.
-Trent: Wow. Are you really the Rex Herring. Its hard to tell with all the
impersonators running around. (Gives him the once over) but you LOOK like a star.
-Rex: I know.
-Jesse: The real thing man. You musta kept your eyes on the prize, right?
-Rex: You know it kid.
-Trent: Nice shirt by the way. Whered you get it?
-Rex: My little secret.
-Jesse: Hes coming out, HERE?!
-Rex: Coming out? What? Where I shop thats my secret. I dont what
youre talking about?
-Jesse: I just meant your
coming out as the most fashionable man
on the plant.
-Rex: Of course.
(Jenn is snickering at Rexs obliviousness.)
-Mark(with a K) Bet youre quite the lady-killer.
-Jesse(under his breath) only those who take his men.
(Jenn laughs and when Rex turns to look at her she pretends to be choking/coughing. The
tormenting of the unaware Rex continues as Jim comes out of his office)
-Jim: (to himself) I recognize that laugh. (He goes into the customer area only to see
his old high school sweet heart, NO, not Rex, Jenn.) Jenn?
-Jenn: (looks up to see a familiar face. Her face breaks into a grin as she recognizes
(She runs over and they hug)
-Jim: Howve you been?
-Jenn: Great, and you?
-Jim: Cant complain.
-Rex: Excuse me. Do you own this dump, sorry (he doesnt sound the slightest bit
sorry), "music store"
-Jim: Im in charge of this "dump" if thats what you mean. We
spoke on the phone remember?
-Rex: I cant remember ALL the people I talk to James.
-Jim: Of course not. And its JIM.
-Rex: Right. So James, I dont think this chair is good enough for someone of my
caliber to sit in.
-Rex: The chair. Its gotta go.
-Jim: (incredulously) you want me to get you another chair?
-Rex: As a matter of fact, yes, yes I do.
-Jim: (still incredulously) Whats wrong with this chair?
-Trent: I could get him a throne.
-Jesse: I think he deserves a throne. Elvis had one, but then again he was The King. I
wonder why they called him that. I mean technically he was not a king. His music was okay,
I suppose, but kingly? I dont think so. And did he give himself that name or
(everyone is looking strangely at him.) I guess you dont know, huh?
-Jim: (condescending to Rex) Mr. Herring, let me show you out back so you can pick out
any chair you want. (Rex nods. They walk away, but Jims voice can still be heard.)
Weve got chairs for every occasion, big chairs, little chairs, Bright chairs, or for
those more somber days
(trails off as they go out of earshot)
-Trent: Damn. There goes my plan.
-Trent: I was going to tell Daria today how I feel about her.
-Jesse: How DO you feel about her?
END PART TWO
Scene 12 (Customer Area) Continued
-Trent: Well I like her
a lot. But I dont know if I like like her. I mean I
dont wanna, you know
Well I guess I do wanna but, I dont know if
thats because its her, or because its a her. You know Im a guy, I
have needs. And Im not ashamed to admit that
(Blank Stares from everyone)
-Trent: Besides she wants to bed Rex Herring, how disgusting is that?
(Mouths drop and in one case something disgusting (his lunch maybe) comes out)
-Trent: Oops. Well if she knows you guys know, you didnt hear it from me.
Scene 13 (Count out room)
There is a table for two set. Darias green Jacket is thrown over the back of one
of the chairs. We see that Daria is wearing a slightly different outfit, her skirt is
still black, but shorter and not pleated which makes it kinda tighter. Her shirt is the
same color as the one she usually wears, but it is cropped and fuzzy (see Empire Records)
with long sleeves. On the table there are two candles a vase with flowers in it. Daria is
singing and dancing seductively (well seductively for her anyway) to the song that is
playing which just happens to be "I Touch Myself" by (oh come on like we really
know who sings that song). Anyway. The door opens.
-Daria: (in a throaty voice) Ive been waiting for you.
(The door opens all the way to reveal Jim standing there smirking)
-Jim: Thats really nice Daria, but Im just here to tell you Rex will be
here in a couple of minutes. Oh and you might want to get a better chair.
(Daria looks confused. Jim leaves. Then sticks his head back in)
-Jim: By the way, where the HELL did you get that album
Certainly not here.
(He leaves for good. A couple seconds later the door opens
-Daria: Cant you people leave me alone?
(She is not looking at the door, but rather down at the plates she is putting the
-Rex: Sorry, I thought I was going to eat in here.
-Daria: That voice. Its like an angel's; it must be
-Rex: You know it baby.
-Daria: (Giggles!? And sighs dreamily before looking up.) Oh Re
(She looks up and
stops short at what she sees in front of her) This cant be Rex, its some kind
of sick joke. Look at him, thats not the gorgeous guy from The Merry
Bunch. Why the hell didnt anyone tell me Id been watching (looks at him
again, her stomach turns) 20-year-old re-runs.
(Daria just stares disbelievingly. She can not speak.)
-Rex: Are we gonna eat or what?
or what. Theres your food, enjoy.
-Rex: But its set for two.
-Daria: (As she struggles to put on her jacket open the door and refrain from crying
(in disgust) all at the same time.) Thats just in case youre really hungry,
(Rex shrugs and digs in. About two minutes later Daria sticks her head in, and being
careful not to look at him, tells him
-Daria: By the way my friend wants to see you in the mens room.
-Rex: I like the sound of that.
-Daria: Sorry to disappoint you but even though its in the mens room my
friend is a she.
-Rex: What? (Poor soul is very confused)
Scene 14 (The Mens room)
(Jane leans against the wall with the gun in her hands. She is eagerly awaiting the
arrival of the man who has cost her her friendship with Daria. She assumes hell be
there rather quickly.)
-Jane: I assume hell be here rather quickly.
(The door opens and Rex enters.)
-Jane: I didnt think that quickly, and they must have eaten too, poor Daria.
-Rex: You wanted to see me.
-Jane: (cocks the gun) Yea. But dont get any ideas. My plan is a bit different
-Rex: Daria? The chick that served me lunch? Why would you want to serve me lunch
-Jane: (incredulously) you mean you didnt sleep with her?
-Rex: (just as incredulously) Sleep with her? She was like ten!
-Jane: Actually shes sixteen, but let me get this straight you and Daria did not
-Rex: No, why, did she want to?
-Jane: Well yea. Shed been planning it for weeks.
-Rex: So a sixteen-year-old girl wanted to seduce me? Hmmm. Is that all.
-Jane: (disappointedly) yea.
-Rex: All right then.
(Rex leaves looking deep in thought)
-Rex: (under his breath to himself) So she wanted me, hmmm
(And now he is gone)
Scene 15 (Out back)
(Freddie, another employee of ESBR, enters through the back door and motions for Trent
to come out back behind the store. Jesse follows.)
-Freddie: Heeeeey guys, hows it gooooing. I just made you a little something
special to get you through Rex Herring daaaay.
(He holds out a tray covered in tin foil.)
-Jesse: (Jumping up and down) what is it?! What is it?!
-Freddie: Broooownies man, my special recipe.
-Jesse: Well whats so special about them?
-Freddie: You knoooow, extra sugaaaar.
(Trent and Jesse both look somewhat confused. They take Freddies comment
-Trent: Are they good, I always figured too much sugar would take away from the
-Freddie: (Who now looks confused.) Truuuust me, maaaaan. They taste juuust great.
(Okay for all you slow people the sugar is not sugar. Its something
else if you catch our drift)
(Trent and Jessie unknowingly dig in saving one for Daria and Jane and a second for
Mark(with a K) they devour the rest.)
Scene 16 (Customer Area)
(YMCA plays loudly over the radio. Trent and Jesse are leading all of the employees,
including Jane, Daria and Mark(with a K) (who had just eaten their sugary
brownies) and all of the customers in a conga line. When the YMCA part comes on people
lift their hands from the waist of the person in front of and do the YMCA motion.)
-Daria: (singing) Young men, theres no need to feel down
I said young men, get yourself off the ground
I said young men, cause youre in a new town
-Everyone: (singing) Theres no need-to-be-un-haaappy...
Young men, theres a place you can go
-Mark(with a K): (singing)
I said young men, when youre short on your
You can stay there, at the YMCA
FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA
(Suddenly static comes over the radio. All stare as the dial turns itself. When it
stops The Imperial March begins. People began to shiver as the doors fly open to reveal
Darth Vedder. Jim enters slowly from out back.)
-Darth Vedder: So we meet again. Do you have my money.
-Jim: No, no I dont.
-Darth Vedder: (calmly) Then we shall fight till the death of one of us.
-Jim: (shouting) You wanna go?! Come on, you want a piece of me?! Ill fight you
right here right now!
(Jim prepares to lunge. Greggi Wan Kenobi, Jesse and Trents new manager, enters
the area of the soon to be fight.)
-Greggi: Stop. (Greggi is not touching Jim, but for some reason he cant move.
Also the radio is suddenly silent.)
-Jim: Aww come on let me go. I was gonna beat him good.
-Greggi: No, you were not, and you will not. This fighting will not solve your
differences. This will not get you money, which is what this argument is about. These
violent disputes will solve nothing and therefore they are completely futile.
-Jim: You are right.
-Darth Vedder: You are wise.
-Jim: Yes, but there is sadness to your wisdom.
(All ponder the deep meaning of the words spoken. Except Jesse and Trent who, since the
arrival of Darth Vedder and the ceasing of YMCA, have been mercilessly tormenting the
oblivious Rex Herring who has been innocently signing autographs since the beginning of
Scene 17 (The Back Room)
(Daria is alone back there pondering the meaning of life. Actually shes trying to
figure out what the hell she was thinking, wanting to bed Rex Herring, she must have been
-Daria: How could I be so stupid, they played "The Merry Bunch" three times a
day, and the clothes and the slang. Of course they were re-runs. Hes not a cartoon,
he does age.
-Rex: (OC) Daria?
-Daria: And now Im hearing his voice in my head. Should I answer it? No of course
not you dont answer yourself
I just did.
(Rex enters, closes the door and shuts the blinds.)
-Rex: I talked to your friend Jane
(He leans forward, sneering and begins to whisper in her ear.)
Scene 18 (Customer Area)
(The door to the staff lounge opens and a screaming Daria exits, her hands over both
her ears. A smirking Rex follows. He sits and begins to sign autographs. Daria stops
screaming and looks for Jane. Finding Jane to be unavailable, she runs over to Trent.)
-Trent: Daria, whats wrong?
-Daria: Its Rex he
he said some pretty nasty things to me.
-Trent: What do you mean?
-Daria: (Whispers a couple of the vulgar comments in his ear.)
-Trent: (Loosing his cool) Uh
-Daria: Thats what he said to me.
-Trent: Oh,(It suddenly dawns on him what she means) Id help you
something suddenly came up.
(Trent makes a hasty exit. Daria sighs and realizes she is going to have to take
matters into her own hands.)
Scene 19 (Back Room)
(Daria enters to see that everyone who works there is in the room. Jim is standing in
the front by himself facing the small crowd. On the couch sits Mark(with a K), Stephanie
(a new trainee), and Freddie. Behind the couch is Trent. Sitting at a desk in the corner
of the room is Max, who just arrived for work. Greggi is meditating in the corner.)
-Jim: I have some bad news kids, you see
(He trails off as he hears the sound of giggling. A sound not often heard from the
staff at ESBR. A familiar song starts it is "Come down" by Bush. Then the
buzzing of an electric razor is heard. Everyone glances around and realizes that Jane and
Jesse are missing. A couple of minuets later, during which the only sounds were the song,
the razor and the giggling Jane and Jesse, now buzzed (we mean his hair) walk out of the
-Jim: (looking pointedly at Jane and Jesse, starts over) Like I was saying. I have some
bad news kids, you see recently it has come to my attention that Dardth Vedder of Music
Town (Record Village?) wants to
buy Empire Strikes Back Records. I had
hoped to purchase it myself, but due to circumstances beyond my control (he glares at
Jesse) Im afraid that as of next week this store will be a Music Town (Record
(Everyone (those who didnt already know) is shocked at this announcement.)
-Max: Dammit Jesse I curse the day I suggested Jim should hire you.
-Daria: Now what are we going to do?
END PART THREE
Scene 19 (Continued)
-Jim: (Shouting) How the hell should I know? (He storms into his office.)
-Stephanie: Now what am I gonna do, this is the only place that would hire me!
-Daria: Well if you wanna know who to blame
(she trails off as she catches Jane
glaring at her)
blame Darth Vedder, hes the one thats trying to take it
over. (Jane smiles at her and all is well between the two.)
-Max: Thats funny, I thought it was all Jesses fault. (Various supporters
shout their agreement.)
-Daria: He was just trying to help, at least he did something to try and save the store
and not just sit around and whine about it like the rest of us. (Jesse beams at her)
Anyway Ill be right back. (Various see yas)
Scene 20 (Jims office)
(Jim is in a fairly good mood considering the events that just went down. He is smiling
slightly to himself. As Daria knocks on the door and enters he puts on a rehearsed scowl.)
-Daria: You know, never mind. (She turns to leave.)
-Jim: No, Daria stay and have a seat, what seems to be the problem?
-Daria: Well actually its kind of personal.
-Jim: Daria, spit it out.
(Daria relates the details of Rexs sexual harassment. Jim is shocked and after
comforting Daria, he jumps up and storms out of his office.)
Scene21 (Customer Area)
(Rex is singing autographs when Jim runs in, grabs him by the collar, and starts to
throw him out.)
-Rex: (enraged) What the hell is this about!
-Jim: I dont allow losers who wont treat my teenage employees with respect
to stay in my dump.
-Rex: What do you mean?
-Jim: Daria told me what you said to her and I have just one thing to say to you, you
stupid little @#$& (let your minds fill in the symbols), get your @$$ out of my store.
(Jim picks him up and throws him out. Jenn who witnessed the whole scene is disgusted by
Rex and annoyed at her high-school boyfriends macho behavior. She leaves through the
Scene 22 (Walking down the street in front of Empire Strikes Back Records)
-Rex: (muttering to himself) Ill show them
throw me out
to the press.
(A minute or so goes by.)
-Rex: And what the Hell happened to Jenn?
Scene23 (Count out Room)
(Trent rushes into the room to get Greggies advice on what to do about Daria. As
he rushes in he sees a hologram on the wall and the hologram is talking to Greggie.)
-Hologram: Help us Greggie Wan.
(The hologram disappears and Greggie turns to face Trent)
-Greggie: Yes my son.
-Trent: (in awe) Who was that
that specimen of perfection?
-Greggie: That, my child, was Princess Feia, an LA musician in a bitcin band
Im managing. She will be here shortly.
-Trent: Shes, coming here
.? I gotto go change.
(Trent runs out of the room and out of the store realizes he has no other clean
clothes, reenters the store and goes back to work, smitten with Princess Feia and having
no romantic feelings for Daria
only sexual ones
but as he said
Scene 24 (Out in front of Empire Strikes Back Records)
(Jane and Jesse are making out when they are rudely interrupted.)
-Reporter 1: Excuse me, is it true that Rex Herring was mentally and physically abused
while signing autographs here, and then thrown out without any warning or reason?
-Reporter 2: Was he really literally picked up and thrown out buy an ex-wrestler who
then proceeded to beat the living crap out of him?
-Reporter 3: And are you really having a sale on all your vinyls?
-Jesse: NO, NO, and YES 20% off selected items only.
-Reporter 1: What did happen?
(All three of the reporters cameras focus on Jesse.)
-Reporter 2: (muttering to Jesse) Keep the language clean kid, were live.
-Jesse: Its all a big misunderstanding, Rex Herring sexually harassed a teenage
girl. But I have even bigger news
the staff at Empire Strikes Back Records is holding
a huge party here, tonight at midnight, bring all the money you can and help us SAVE THE
EMPIRE!! Well have everything a live band, the up and coming Mystik Spiral, cheap
beer, good food
and of course our everyday low prices that our competitors cant
even compare to. Yea!!!
-Reporter 3: (muttering to himself) We shouldve known not to go live when dealing
with his kind.
Scene 25 (Midnight at Empire Strikes Back Records)
(The party is just getting started. The whole staff is helping set up for the big
event. Jars for money are being placed at selected locations. Kegs of Beer are being
wheeled over buy some of Freddies friends. Mystic Spiral is setting up on top of the
store. All of the members except for Trent are up there. Trent is waiting by Greggi-Wan
for the lovely Princess Feia, who enters the scene now.)
-Trent: Is that her?
-Greggi-Wan: No for the fifth time
I will tell you when I see her. Thats not
-Trent: How about her?
-Greggi-Wan: Patience my son, things come to those who wait. (A minute passes) That is
-Princess Feia: Greggi-Wan I need your hel
.(Sees Trent) Hello.
-Princess Feia: (giggles) Hi.
(Greggi-Wan rolls his eyes as the greeting repeats itself several more times. Finally
he interrupts the two.)
-Greggi-Wan: Princess Feia, Trent, Trent, Princess Feia. You two can get to know each
other later. Right now Trent must go play.
-Princess Feia: Youre in a band?
-Princess Feia: Me to!
-Greggi-Wan: (sarcastically) Must be fate.
-Trent: Do you wanna like
you know do something later?
-Princess Feia: (suggestively) What did you have in mind?
-Trent: (His face turns red) You know pizza or something.
-Princess Feia: (laughing) When, like what 4 oclock in the morning? This party
just started and Im sure its not going to be over till then
-Trent: (Stares at his shoes) Um
-Princess Feia: Id love to.
-Greggi-Wan: (Mutters) Great. Can we move on?
(From a distance Daria is watching the trio wondering who the girl with the weird buns
on either side of her head is. Her thoughts are interrupted by a masculine voice.)
-Daria: Yea. (turns to see a really hot guy. Blond hair, blue eyes a regular
All-American Ken. Not the kind of guy youd expects to see Daria with. Daria is
-Guy: Yea I was just
(looks down at her, he had been just staring at the sky as
-Guy: Yea me too.
-Daria: (Snaps out of it) What I meant was Im Daria.
-Guy: Yea me too. No (snaps out of it) I mean Im Luke
Im looking for this girl
-Daria: (Cuts him off) Of course you are
shes probably here
-Luke: No shes not really a girl. (Daria looks very confused) well I guess she is
but not (shudders) like, you know. Shes my sister.
-Daria: (Sheepishly) Oh
-Luke: There she is. ( He points to the stage where Princess Feia and Trent are looking
at each other with mirrored dumbfounded expressions. Daria notices that Luke has the same
expression except hes not looking at Princess Feia, or Trent, hes looking at
Daria. Daria realizes that she has the same look on her face.)
-Daria: (Grasping for something to say) I think theyre going to sing.
-Trent: I know this cheesy but it captures the partys spirit. ( He starts to sing
"Sugar High" and gets to the chorus) Sugar High (drags it out)
-Princess Feia: (In the background singing) Gotta have it really need it to get buy.
-Trent: (Singing) Sugar High (drags it out)
-Princess Feia: (In the background singing) Gotta feel it cant conceal it makes
-Trent: You take the lead.
-Princess Feia: No I really dont think
-Trent: I know you can do it.
-Princess Feia: (Singing nervously) I
(glares at Trent)
far and wide.
Ive searched the deepest caverns of my mind. (Gets into it and is really very good)
To try and find an explanation why
(Down below Daria is talking to Luke)
-Daria: Your sisters really good.
-Luke: (Shouting) What?!
-Daria: (Shouting) Your sisters really good!
-Luke: (Shouting) You want some food?
-Daria: (Shouting) What do you mean Im in a bad mood?
(Luke guides Daria to a remote corner of the parking lot. It is dimly lit and kinda
-Daria: (Shouting) I just
(Blushes and returns to a normal volume) wanted to tell
you that your sister is a good singer.
-Luke: You know Daria youre very pretty. In fact I think you seem like a pretty
special person. Would it be okay if I
(as he talks he leans closer and closer)
-Daria: (As Luke moves in to kiss her) If you wha
(She thinks for a second then
smiles and nods. They kiss and kiss and kiss and
you get the picture. They are
however interrupted by Jane and Jesse who run over to talk to Daria.)
-Jane: (Excitedly) Daria, Daria, guess
(She looks and realizes what she just
-Jesse: (Obliviously) Daria, we raised enough money. Weve saved the empire.
-Daria: (Still a little dazed) What?
-Jesse: Jeez, whats with you? (Jane elbows Jesse and subtly gestures towards
Luke. Jesse looks at Daria then Luke then Jane then glances around the remoter area and it
dawns on him whats been going on. He then speaks in an Austin Powers styled voice)
Yea baby. (Jane and Daria simultaneously smack him upside the head.)
-Jane: (To Luke) Im Jane and this moron is my boy toy Jesse.
-Luke: Im Luke Groundwalker, thats my sister Princess Feia up there making
out with the pierced guy.
-Jane: Oh you dont say. Thats my brother Trent.
-Luke: (To Jesse) You were saying something about raising money?
(Jesse and Jane explain what has been going on and reveal that so many people have
given money that they now have enough to save their beloved workplace. All four go to get
the rest of the staff so they can deliver the good news to Jim.)
Scene 26 (Three oclock in the morning after the party in Jims office. The
staff along with Greggi-Wan, Princess Feia and Luke Groundwalker had just finished telling
Jim what they had done.)
-Jim: (Laughs) You kids really shouldnt have. Hold on a second will you. (He
makes a quick phone call and wont say anything until the mysterious phone person
arrives. Moments later the door opens to reveal
-Jim: (To Darth) You will not believe what these kids just did. (He explains it to
Darth Vedder and ends by showing him the money.) They raised even more than Jesse took.
You know what that means
-Jesse: (Unasuredly) You can save the empire?
(Darth Vedder and Jim laugh uproariously)
-Jim: No no no. You see the truth is Darth Vedder and his music company already own
Empire Strikes Back Records. We are just a small subsidiary, always have been. We knew you
kids would do something to get us publicity if you thought your precious store was in
danger of being taken over by a business tycoon.
what the hell was the money for?
-Jim: Darthy and I are going to Hawaii.
-Daria: I am truly disgusted.
-Jesse: (Shocked) Daria I never knew you were so narrow-minded.
-Daria: (Snarls) I mean about
the damn publicity stunt.
-Jesse: Publicity stunt?
(Daria reaches out to hurt Jesse but is stopped by her
-Daria: I just have one thing to say
-Jane: And me.
-Trent: Yea me too.
-Jesse: Since theyre all quitting can I have a raise? You know that whole Iron
law of wages thing? Less workers equals more money? (Glares from everyone) No wait, what I
meant to say was I quit.
(All the other employees agree and blow raspberries at Jim and Darth Vedder. They all
Scene 27 (It is June 30th and Daria, Jane, Jesse, Trent, Princess Feia, Luke
Groundwalker, Greggi-Wan and Rexs ex-manager/Greggi-Wans new lover Jenn sit
around a very large table at the pizza place.)
-Daria: These days even the little guy is corrupt.
La la la la la