"Empire Strikes Back Records"


Scene 1 (May 14 Empire Strikes Back Records)

-Trent: Janey? Daria? What are you doing here?

-Jane: What are we doing here? Trent, it looks like your… working!!

-Jesse: We figure if our band is going to make it big, we’ve gotta be exposed to all kinds of music. (Note: There is NO music playing)

-Jane: Jesse, I hate to point this out to you but…

-Jesse: No! What I mean is we can, you know, check out the covers, see what kind of music people are buying.

-Daria (under her breath to Jane) Maybe their talent will rub off on them.

-Trent: (On Jesse’s commentary about their jobs) yea, that’s why. So Janey, Daria, why are you two here?

-Jane: Well…

(She is interrupted by the arrival of Jim, a 30-something and attractive man who is their new manager)

-Jim: Hey guys and welcome to your new job at Empire Strikes Back Records. Sorry "the man" makes me say that.

-Trent: We hear ya.

-Jim: Should I introduce you to each other or have you already become aquatinted?

-Jane: Actually Jesse is my boyfriend and Trent is my brother. Daria knows them too; of course she’d like to get to know Trent a little better…

-Daria (to Jane) I hate you.

-Jim: I have a very special announcement…(all eyes look on expectedly) On June 27th we will be having-the FIRST EVER…REX HERRING DAY!!!!!!!!

(Daria Screams)

-Trent: I feel your pain (gives her a brotherly pat on the head, she screams again, he backs away frightened)

-Jesse: Rex Herring (Daria screams)

-Jesse: Rex Herring (Daria screams)

-Jesse: (smiles, getting into it) Rex… Herring (Daria…screams)

-Jesse: RRReeexxx HHHeerring (Daria ssscccrrreeeaaammmsss)

-Jesse: Rex He-He-He-Herring (Daria sc-sc-sc-screams)

-Jesse: Rex…

-Trent and Jane in unison: KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

-Jesse: Yea Daria, relax. Rex…

-Trent: We mean you man enough already.

-Jesse: You got a soft spot when it comes to Daria.

(Trent shoots Jesse an evil look. Jane drags Daria into the count out room.)

-Jane: Don’t be so upset, it’s only one day.

-Daria: Jane, I’m about to tell you my deepest secret. I love Rex Herring. (Jane begins to laugh-but Daria is not laughing-it’s true)

-Jane (hopefully) Funny Daria, real funny.

-Daria: No. It’s true. All my life, since I saw him on ‘The Merry Bunch’.

-Jane: (obviously shocked) You watch that show?!

-Daria: (looks down sheepishly) I have every episode on tape, hidden underneath a loose floorboard.

(Jane takes a deep breath as if to scream. Daria clamps her hand over Jane’s mouth. Tears of shame and disgust roll down Janes face.)

Daria: (taking her hand off Janes mouth) Don’t tell Tr…er…anyone!

Jane: (Sobbingly wails) Fine…okay. (sniff, sniff) I promise.

(Jane goes to the bathroom to pull herself together. The rest of the day passes uneventfully)



Scene 2 (May 29-Morgendorffer Kitchen)

(Daria sits smiling slightly)

-Helen: Daria, dear, you’re positively glowing!

-Quinn: Why is she glowing? She has nothing to be happy about. But I do! Ask me what I did today!

-Helen: Quinn, honey, we’re talking about Daria right now. Doesn’t she look SO happy today, Jake?

-Jake: What, yea! Quinn does look happy… I guess.

-Quinn: Thanks!

-Helen: Jake! We were discussing Daria (she pounds her fist on the table. The plates jump.) Don’t you pay any attention to what’s going on in this house?!

-Jake: (looks up from his newspaper) Huh? Uh, Okay?

-Helen: (sighs) Now, Daria, why are you in such a good mood today?

-Daria: I finally decided to go through with the suicide. I’ve made peace with myself.

-Jake: Peace! That’s great, kiddo!

-Helen: Jake! Daria, you’re not serious, are you?

-Daria: No, I’m fine. The reason I’m so happy is because I have a job at the music store.

-Quinn: You can’t have a job at the music store! My friends go to the music store! What if…

-Daria: Worry not my dear sister um, cousin, Quinn; none of your friends shop there.

-Quinn: What are you talking about? Everyone goes to Music Village. It’s the only place to buy music.

-Daria: Not the only place. Believe it or not, there are some music stores that aren’t in the mall. Ever heard of Empire Strikes Back Records?

-Quinn: Ew! Gross! You work there?! That place is full of rats!

-Daria: No. Just some big cockroaches. But they’re friendly and trained to do acrobatics.

-Quinn: Eeeeewww! (The phone rings, Quinn answers it) Hello.

-Trent: Hi, is Daria there? (Screen splits)

-Quinn: Um, you’re a guy.

-Trent: Yea.

-Quinn: You’re calling Daria.

-Trent: Yea.

-Quinn: Wrong Daria. (Click)



Scene 3 (May 29-Lane residence)


-Trent: Janey? (He steps into the basement; Jane is down there painting a picture of Trent’s guitar) Can I talk to you about Daria?

-Jane: (raises one eyebrow) sure. Why?

-Trent: Is something going on with her? I tried calling. I thought it was her, but she put on this bimbo voice and hung up on me.

-Jane: I think you should go over and talk to her.



Scene 4 (May 29 Morgendorffer residence)

(A knock on the front door, Quinn opens it.)

-Quinn: Oh… (Trent stands coolly at the door. Viva forever plays as Quinn’s jaw drops open)

-Trent: Is Daria here?

-Quinn: I’m nineteen!

-Trent: (Thinking) So she’s the one with the bimbo voice, it wasn’t Daria hanging up on me.

-Quinn: I swear nineteen years old!

-Trent: Congratulations. I really need to see Daria. Is she home?

-Quinn: Uh, no. She’s…

-Daria: (OC) Who’s at the door? Another one of your admirers?

-Trent: That sounded an awful lot like Daria.

-Quinn: It wasn’t. That’s my mother. She sounds like Daria…who’s on a date. Yeah! She already has a boyfriend, and really doesn’t need to complicate that so you should really…

-Daria: (Coming to the door) Oh, hi. (Uncomfortable silence as the three stand there staring at each other)

-Trent: Daria, I just thought maybe something was wrong. You kept screaming and then…

-Quinn: (Eyeing the two) Do I want to hear about this? (Trent and Daria look embarrassed. They blush.)

-Trent: I figured it had something to do with Rex Herring. I don’t know, you’re usually so focussed and on target. Plus you’re not usually that loud. You seemed really distracted and you definitely weren’t enjoying yourself.

(Quinn looks horrified)

-Daria: (Eyeing Quinn) Can we go up to my room to talk about this?

(Quinn looks queasy and faint. Trent comes in and accidentally knocks her over. She doesn’t get up. She lifts her head up)

-Quinn: Just don’t drive your headboard through the wall and into my room. (Daria glares at Quinn and gestures for Trent to follow her upstairs. They are now in Daria’s room.)

-Daria: This is my… I mean here’s the… I sleep here… what I mean is, um, so what was it you were saying?

-Trent: Daria, you’re really worrying me. You can tell me-What’s wrong.

(As he speaks, he walks closer and closer. Daria, nervous and anxious backs further and further, until he now has her against the wall. Daria tries to escape, so he puts his hands on the wall on either side of her. Daria gulps nervously and silently. The door opens)

-Trent: Don’t! You know you want to…

-Helen: Daria! Who is this?! What the hell is going on in here?!

-Quinn: I knew it!

-Daria: (feebly) Ever here of knocking?

(Trent turns around and backs up- not into Daria-rather next to her)

-Trent: (fumbling) Hi. I’m uh, Trent. You know Janey’s brother?

-Helen: Lovely to meet you. But what are you doing with my daughter in her bedroom with the door closed?!

-Quinn: I know what they were doing!

-Trent: We were just, you know, talking.

-Helen: Since when do you need to pin someone against the wall to talk. Listen, boy, the LAST thing I need is a grandchild. I look too young to be a mother, never mind a grandmother.

(Daria buries her head in her hands-completely embarrassed)

-Daria: (Voice muffled, yet understandable) I swear all we were doing is talking.

-Helen: You can "finish talking" (makes finger quotes) downstairs in the kitchen.

-Daria: (Looks up) Fine. Just keep Quinn away from us.

(They walk down the stairs and Trent and Daria sit across from each other at the table)

-Trent: Well?

-Daria: The truth is, I’m in love with Rex Herring.


-Trent: Well, uh.


-Trent: You know what, I think I need a drink (stands up) Bye.

(Trent gives her a friendly pat on the head to show this will not affect their friendship)



Scene 5 (June 19-Empire Strikes Back Records)

(Trent and Jesse are working behind the checkout counter)

-Trent: What a boring day.

-Jesse: Yea. Boring.

-Trent: Hey, who’s that guy.

(The door blows open. A short man with curly hair and a goatee wearing all black enters. Everyone stares, frightened. Jim walks out front.)

-Jim: Darth Vedder. What…what are you doing here?

-Darth Vedder: You know why I’m here Jim.

(Darth Vedder points to Jim’s office in the back. Jim is obedient. They enter the back room closing the door partially. From where Trent and Jesse are, they cannot hear Darth Vedder’s conversation. Jesse goes over to the door to eavesdrop. Trent rolls his eyes and continues to work. Jesse can barley make out what is being said. He does however hear the following.)

-Jim: Empire Strikes Back Records CAN’T become a Record Village!!! I won’t let it!!!

-Darth Vedder: I’m afraid you have no choice.

-Jim: Wait. (There’s a rustling noise and Jesse peers through the door. He sees Jim showing Darth Vedder a pile of money. Darth Vedder laughs evilly at Jim’s meager offerings.)

-Darth Vedder: You’ll need MUCH more than that if you want to save Empire Strikes Back Records.

(Jim sighs and puts the money back into the UNLOCKED draw. A light bulb goes of over Jesse’s head, an idea was forming)



Scene 6 (June 19 late that night-Empire Strikes Back Records)

(Jesse has convinced Trent to go home early and let him close the store. He goes into Jim’s office and takes the money out of the draw. He counts it, twice; there is just enough money for what he wants to do to save the store.)

-Jesse: (Thinking out loud) But is it really my place to try and save it? Should I take it or leave it here?

(He looks down at the money in his hands, he looks over at the door and considers leaving with the money. He then looks at the open draw; maybe he should just put it back)

-Jesse: (Thinking out loud) I know what I have to do.




Scene 7 (Lane front door-June 20)


(Door opens. Trent, Jane and Daria see Jesse, wearing new clothes and carrying a huge bag. A short scarred man stands carrying two new guitars. Trent falls to his knees as he realizes who it is. Trent and the man are now at eye level.)


-Trent: It’s you! (The man nods)

-Jane: (To Daria) who is that?

-Daria: (Disgusted) you don’t know?!?!

-Jane: (Mock disgust) no!!

-Greggi Wan Kenobi: I…

-Trent: Greggi Wan Kenobi, the greatest music mogul of all time.

-Greggi: Silence! As this puny mortal (Trent stands up indignantly) just said, I am Greggi Wan Kenobi, music manager.

-Trent: Who’s puny? (Jesse looks at Trent shocked) Oh… I’m sorry sir, um…master…I didn’t mean… (falls to his knees) PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

-Greggi: Arise my son. You are young yet. There is much time for you to learn how to behave.

-Trent: Yes your greatness, Mr. … uh, sir…

-Jesse: (interrupting Trent’s ramble) Anyway, what happened was, I had…

-Everyone: (except Greggi) Oh, god!

-Jesse: A plan, okay here it…

-Trent: Jesse, where’d you get the money for all this (he gestures at the bags and guitars) and …HIM (awestruck).

-Jesse: Well, Jim wanted to buy the store from Darth Vedder because he’s going to turn it into a Record Village. But he said no, so Jim put the money into a draw. I took the money the day I closed up… (eyes widen) I bought the clothes (he gestures at the bags) and the guitars… (mouths drop) then I flew to LA, first class of course, and talked to Greggi here… (heads lean forward) who I flew back, first class of course, and came here. (eyes bug out) Here’s the plan, with all this stuff, we (gestures to Trent and himself) can make it big, damn the man and SAVE THE EMPIRE! (everyone is twitching)

-Jane: Jesse… (he smiles expectantly) you are an idiot. (He looks dejected, then looks to Daria and Trent for support. They shake their heads.)

-Trent: You just screwed the Empire.


(Everyone is shocked at Daria’s outburst.)

-Jane: Daria, maybe you should calm…


-Greggi: (Smacks Daria) Get a hold of yourself, my young, lovesick protégé. All will be solved, but first, we eat.

-Jane: (Ignoring Greggi; to Daria) At least I have a boyfriend; I’m not a complete Ice Queen!

-Greggi: (Smacks Jane) Calm yourself.

-Jesse: (Smacks Greggi) Hey!

-Trent: (Smacks Jesse) Come on, man! A little respect!

-Greggi: (Smacks Trent) I will speak for myself.

-Jesse: (Smacks Trent) Yeah!

-Daria: (Smacks Jesse) He said he’d speak for himself.

-Jane: (Smacks Daria) Stop being so violent.

-Trent: (Smacks Jane) Kind of hypocritical, huh?

-Jesse: (Smacks Trent) you’re so much better.

-Greggi: (Smacks Jesse) You started this, you must end it.

-Jesse: Actually first YOU hit Daria, then YOU hit Jane so in reality YOU started it.

(everyone looks kind of confused)

-Greggi: All would be well if you hadn’t tried to "save" your store.

-Jane: (Smacks Jesse) He’s right you wasted the money.

-Jesse: Hey!

-Daria: (Smacks Jesse) This stuff won’t save Empire Strikes Back Records! It’s over!

-Jesse: But I…

-Trent: (Smacks Jesse) You lost my sunglasses in tenth grade (whining/pouting) I loved those glasses.

-Jesse: But I… (fumbles through the stuff)…I bought you the same ones, only nicer.

-Trent: (Obviously touched) Oh, man... oh, you really shouldn’t have. That’s, that’s just so great…I…thanks, man.

(Daria and Jane exchange a ‘look’)



Scene 8 (Empire Strikes Back Records: out back Rex Herring Day!)

(Set up is commencing. Video Killed the Radio Star is playing (the good 80’s version, the one that doesn’t suck)


-Jesse:… and that was my plan. What do you think? Now you can stop freaking out! You know what happened to the money and you must be relieved to hear it was spent well (He smiles confidently) I think it’s going to be okay.

-Jim: (angrily) And what makes you think that?

-Jesse: Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear.

-Trent: Jim, we could just tar and feather Darth Vedder… or Jesse. Whoever. (The idea obviously appeals to Trent.)

-Jim: (Stares blankly for a moment, then seems to consider the idea. Shaking his head.) No! I’m staying in my office to think of some ideas. I have to explain this to Darth Vedder.



Scene 9 (Customer Area)


-Daria:…and I still can’t believe you called me an ice queen. I’m NOT an ice queen.

-Jane: Daria, I TOLD you I was sorry, why can’t you just drop it. I was just trying to defend myself.

-Daria: No you weren’t, you were defending your idiot boyfriend.

-Jane: So he made one mistake, (now becoming sarcastic) we can’t ALL be as perfect as you.

(Cut to Trent and Jesse elsewhere in Customer Area)

-Trent: These are cheap knock-offs, Jesse. You are such a loser.

-Jesse: You should be glad I even got you a pair. I shouldn’t have wasted the money, your face is to fat for those anyway.

-Trent: (yelling) I happen to have a quite slender face.

(There are the sounds of Daria and Jane, and Trent and Jesse arguing in the background. Mark (with a K), a co-worker of theirs stands atop a stairway thinking out loud to himself)

-Mark(with a K): (hearing the bickering below) We can’t have it this way. We mustn’t. (Running down the staircase he sticks his head in the camera, a big grin on his face) Not Today! Not on Rex Herring day. (the second the words are out of his mouth, Video Killed The Radio Star (80’s good one) starts to play)

-Jim: (Sticks his head out of the office and yells) Who the hell put the stereo on repeat?!?!

-Mark(with a K): Sorry Jim.



Scene 10 (Behind Empire Strikes Back Records)


(A limousine pulls up, a man and his assistant step out. The man is wearing a shiny pink, tasseled shirt with tight white jeans and cowboy boots. With him is a youngish lady with red hair. The lady is dressed normally in jeans and a black shirt.)

-Rex: Oh god, would you look at this place?

-Lady: Don’t knock it, Rex, I was born and raised in Lawndale. Besides, Middle America DOES buy your records.

-Rex: Come on Jenn…

-Jenn: Rex, you’re not here to judge, you’re here to sign autographs for your eagerly awaiting fans.

-Rex: (Not at all modestly) well I do have a lot of fans, don’t I?

-Jenn: (Monotone) Yes Rex (rolls her eyes at the oblivious washout) (mutters) Millions



Scene 11 (Empire Strikes Back Records-Side room)

-Daria: (hesitantly) Jane?

-Jane: (kind of rudely) What?

-Daria: When, when um he…Rex that is…comes. Could you just send him in here?

-Jane: Sure, but when your done with him, send him to me.

(Jane leaves before Daria can ask why. She closes the door behind her and then cocks the gun she’s been hiding)



Scene 12 (Customer Area)

(Rex enters the music store and looks around in disgust. He sees (of course he doesn’t know who they are but we do, so we’ll tell you.) Mark(with a K), Jesse and Trent.)

-Rex: You guys work here?

-Mark(with a K)(sarcastically) Nah, we just wear nametags that say Empire Strikes Back Records because we think they’re fun.

(No one laughs)

-Mark(with a K)(annoyed at the response or lack there of) Yea well one day I’m gonna show you little people!!

-Jim: (who could hear Mark’s blabbering from his office pokes his head out) Yea, if I’m not dead, I’ll jump out of my wheelchair and do a dance.

-Trent: Wow. Are you really the Rex Herring. It’s hard to tell with all the impersonators running around. (Gives him the once over) but you LOOK like a star.

-Rex: I know.

-Jesse: The real thing man. You musta kept your eyes on the prize, right?

-Rex: You know it kid.

-Trent: Nice shirt by the way. Where’d you get it?

-Rex: My little secret.

-Jesse: He’s coming out, HERE?!

-Rex: Coming out? What? Where I shop that’s my secret. I don’t what you’re talking about?

-Jesse: I just meant your…uh…um…coming out as the most fashionable man on the plant.

-Rex: Of course.

(Jenn is snickering at Rex’s obliviousness.)

-Mark(with a K) Bet you’re quite the lady-killer.

-Jesse(under his breath) only those who take his men.

(Jenn laughs and when Rex turns to look at her she pretends to be choking/coughing. The tormenting of the unaware Rex continues as Jim comes out of his office)

-Jim: (to himself) I recognize that laugh. (He goes into the customer area only to see his old high school sweet heart, NO, not Rex, Jenn.) Jenn?

-Jenn: (looks up to see a familiar face. Her face breaks into a grin as she recognizes Jim.) Jim!

(She runs over and they hug)

-Jim: How’ve you been?

-Jenn: Great, and you?

-Jim: Can’t complain.

-Rex: Excuse me. Do you own this dump, sorry (he doesn’t sound the slightest bit sorry), "music store"

-Jim: I’m in charge of this "dump" if that’s what you mean. We spoke on the phone remember?

-Rex: I can’t remember ALL the people I talk to James.

-Jim: Of course not. And it’s JIM.

-Rex: Right. So James, I don’t think this chair is good enough for someone of my caliber to sit in.

-Jim: What?

-Rex: The chair. It’s gotta go.

-Jim: (incredulously) you want me to get you another chair?

-Rex: As a matter of fact, yes, yes I do.

-Jim: (still incredulously) What’s wrong with this chair?

-Trent: I could get him a throne.

-Jesse: I think he deserves a throne. Elvis had one, but then again he was The King. I wonder why they called him that. I mean technically he was not a king. His music was okay, I suppose, but kingly? I don’t think so. And did he give himself that name or… (everyone is looking strangely at him.) I guess you don’t know, huh?

-Jim: (condescending to Rex) Mr. Herring, let me show you out back so you can pick out any chair you want. (Rex nods. They walk away, but Jim’s voice can still be heard.) We’ve got chairs for every occasion, big chairs, little chairs, Bright chairs, or for those more somber days…(trails off as they go out of earshot)

-Trent: Damn. There goes my plan.

-Jesse: Huh?

-Trent: I was going to tell Daria today how I feel about her.

-Jesse: How DO you feel about her?




Scene 12 (Customer Area) Continued


-Trent: Well I like her… a lot. But I don’t know if I like like her. I mean I don’t wanna, you know… Well I guess I do wanna but, I don’t know if that’s because it’s her, or because it’s a her. You know I’m a guy, I have needs. And I’m not ashamed to admit that…


(Blank Stares from everyone)


-Trent: Besides she wants to bed Rex Herring, how disgusting is that?


(Mouths drop and in one case something disgusting (his lunch maybe) comes out)


-Trent: Oops. Well if she knows you guys know, you didn’t hear it from me.



Scene 13 (Count out room)

There is a table for two set. Daria’s green Jacket is thrown over the back of one of the chairs. We see that Daria is wearing a slightly different outfit, her skirt is still black, but shorter and not pleated which makes it kinda tighter. Her shirt is the same color as the one she usually wears, but it is cropped and fuzzy (see Empire Records) with long sleeves. On the table there are two candles a vase with flowers in it. Daria is singing and dancing seductively (well seductively for her anyway) to the song that is playing which just happens to be "I Touch Myself" by (oh come on like we really know who sings that song). Anyway. The door opens.


-Daria: (in a throaty voice) I’ve been waiting for you.

(The door opens all the way to reveal Jim standing there smirking)

-Jim: That’s really nice Daria, but I’m just here to tell you Rex will be here in a couple of minutes. Oh and you might want to get a better chair.

(Daria looks confused. Jim leaves. Then sticks his head back in)

-Jim: By the way, where the HELL did you get that album…Certainly not here.

(He leaves for good. A couple seconds later the door opens…again.)

-Daria: Can’t you people leave me alone?

(She is not looking at the door, but rather down at the plates she is putting the lasagna on.)

-Rex: Sorry, I thought I was going to eat in here.

-Daria: That voice. It’s like an angel's; it must be…Rex.

-Rex: You know it baby.

-Daria: (Giggles!? And sighs dreamily before looking up.) Oh Re…(She looks up and stops short at what she sees in front of her) This can’t be Rex, it’s some kind of sick joke. Look at him, that’s not the gorgeous guy from ‘The Merry Bunch’. Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me I’d been watching (looks at him again, her stomach turns) 20-year-old re-runs.

(Daria just stares disbelievingly. She can not speak.)

-Rex: Are we gonna eat or what?

-Daria: Uh…or what. There’s your food, enjoy.

-Rex: But it’s set for two.

-Daria: (As she struggles to put on her jacket open the door and refrain from crying (in disgust) all at the same time.) That’s just in case you’re really hungry, Bye.

(Rex shrugs and digs in. About two minutes later Daria sticks her head in, and being careful not to look at him, tells him…)

-Daria: By the way my friend wants to see you in the men’s room.

-Rex: I like the sound of that.

-Daria: Sorry to disappoint you but even though it’s in the men’s room my friend is a she.

-Rex: What? (Poor soul is very confused)

-Daria: Nevermind.

(Daria leaves)



Scene 14 (The Men’s room)


(Jane leans against the wall with the gun in her hands. She is eagerly awaiting the arrival of the man who has cost her her friendship with Daria. She assumes he’ll be there rather quickly.)


-Jane: I assume he’ll be here rather quickly.

(The door opens and Rex enters.)

-Jane: I didn’t think that quickly, and they must have eaten too, poor Daria.

-Rex: You wanted to see me.

-Jane: (cocks the gun) Yea. But don’t get any ideas. My plan is a bit different then Daria’s.

-Rex: Daria? The chick that served me lunch? Why would you want to serve me lunch again?

-Jane: (incredulously) you mean you didn’t sleep with her?

-Rex: (just as incredulously) Sleep with her? She was like ten!

-Jane: Actually she’s sixteen, but let me get this straight you and Daria did not sleep together?

-Rex: No, why, did she want to?

-Jane: Well yea. She’d been planning it for weeks.

-Rex: So a sixteen-year-old girl wanted to seduce me? Hmmm. Is that all.

-Jane: (disappointedly) yea.

-Rex: All right then.

(Rex leaves looking deep in thought)

-Rex: (under his breath to himself) So she wanted me, hmmm…

(And now he is gone)



Scene 15 (Out back)


(Freddie, another employee of ESBR, enters through the back door and motions for Trent to come out back behind the store. Jesse follows.)


-Freddie: Heeeeey guys, how’s it gooooing. I just made you a little something special to get you through Rex Herring daaaay.

(He holds out a tray covered in tin foil.)

-Jesse: (Jumping up and down) what is it?! What is it?!

-Freddie: Broooownies man, my special recipe.

-Jesse: Well what’s so special about them?

-Freddie: You knoooow, extra sugaaaar.

(Trent and Jesse both look somewhat confused. They take Freddie’s comment literally.)

-Trent: Are they good, I always figured too much sugar would take away from the chocolatey flavor.

-Freddie: (Who now looks confused.) Truuuust me, maaaaan. They taste juuust great.

(Okay for all you slow people the ‘sugar’ is not sugar. It’s something else if you catch our drift)

(Trent and Jessie unknowingly dig in saving one for Daria and Jane and a second for Mark(with a K) they devour the rest.)



Scene 16 (Customer Area)

(YMCA plays loudly over the radio. Trent and Jesse are leading all of the employees, including Jane, Daria and Mark(with a K) (who had just eaten their ‘sugary’ brownies) and all of the customers in a conga line. When the YMCA part comes on people lift their hands from the waist of the person in front of and do the YMCA motion.)

-Daria: (singing) Young men, there’s no need to feel down…

-Jane: (singing)…I said young men, get yourself off the ground…

-Trent: (singing)…I said young men, cause you’re in a new town…

-Everyone: (singing) There’s no need-to-be-un-haaappy...

-Jesse: (singing) …Young men, there’s a place you can go…

-Mark(with a K): (singing) …I said young men, when you’re short on your dough…

-Freddie: (singing) …You can stay there, at the YMCA…

-Everyone: (singing) …I’m sure they-can-help-you-todaaay…………………………………………IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA

(Suddenly static comes over the radio. All stare as the dial turns itself. When it stops The Imperial March begins. People began to shiver as the doors fly open to reveal the evil…Darth Vedder. Jim enters slowly from out back.)

-Darth Vedder: So we meet again. Do you have my money.

-Jim: No, no I don’t.

-Darth Vedder: (calmly) Then we shall fight till the death of one of us.

-Jim: (shouting) You wanna go?! Come on, you want a piece of me?! I’ll fight you right here right now!

(Jim prepares to lunge. Greggi Wan Kenobi, Jesse and Trent’s new manager, enters the area of the soon to be fight.)

-Greggi: Stop. (Greggi is not touching Jim, but for some reason he can’t move. Also the radio is suddenly silent.)

-Jim: Aww come on let me go. I was gonna beat him good.

-Greggi: No, you were not, and you will not. This fighting will not solve your differences. This will not get you money, which is what this argument is about. These violent disputes will solve nothing and therefore they are completely futile.

-Jim: You are right.

-Darth Vedder: You are wise.

-Jim: Yes, but there is sadness to your wisdom.

(All ponder the deep meaning of the words spoken. Except Jesse and Trent who, since the arrival of Darth Vedder and the ceasing of YMCA, have been mercilessly tormenting the oblivious Rex Herring who has been innocently signing autographs since the beginning of YMCA.)



Scene 17 (The Back Room)


(Daria is alone back there pondering the meaning of life. Actually she’s trying to figure out what the hell she was thinking, wanting to bed Rex Herring, she must have been crazy.)

-Daria: How could I be so stupid, they played "The Merry Bunch" three times a day, and the clothes and the slang. Of course they were re-runs. He’s not a cartoon, he does age.

-Rex: (OC) Daria?

-Daria: And now I’m hearing his voice in my head. Should I answer it? No of course not you don’t answer yourself…oh wait…I just did.

(Rex enters, closes the door and shuts the blinds.)

-Rex: I talked to your friend Jane…

(He leans forward, sneering and begins to whisper in her ear.)



Scene 18 (Customer Area)


(The door to the staff lounge opens and a screaming Daria exits, her hands over both her ears. A smirking Rex follows. He sits and begins to sign autographs. Daria stops screaming and looks for Jane. Finding Jane to be unavailable, she runs over to Trent.)

-Trent: Daria, what’s wrong?

-Daria: It’s Rex he…he said some pretty nasty things to me.

-Trent: What do you mean?

-Daria: (Whispers a couple of the vulgar comments in his ear.)

-Trent: (Loosing his cool) Uh…what?

-Daria: That’s what he said to me.

-Trent: Oh,(It suddenly dawns on him what she means) I’d help you…but something suddenly came up.

(Trent makes a hasty exit. Daria sighs and realizes she is going to have to take matters into her own hands.)



Scene 19 (Back Room)

(Daria enters to see that everyone who works there is in the room. Jim is standing in the front by himself facing the small crowd. On the couch sits Mark(with a K), Stephanie (a new trainee), and Freddie. Behind the couch is Trent. Sitting at a desk in the corner of the room is Max, who just arrived for work. Greggi is meditating in the corner.)

-Jim: I have some bad news kids, you see…

(He trails off as he hears the sound of giggling. A sound not often heard from the staff at ESBR. A familiar song starts it is "Come down" by Bush. Then the buzzing of an electric razor is heard. Everyone glances around and realizes that Jane and Jesse are missing. A couple of minuets later, during which the only sounds were the song, the razor and the giggling Jane and Jesse, now buzzed (we mean his hair) walk out of the bathroom.)

-Jim: (looking pointedly at Jane and Jesse, starts over) Like I was saying. I have some bad news kids, you see recently it has come to my attention that Dardth Vedder of Music Town (Record Village?) wants to…well…buy Empire Strikes Back Records. I had hoped to purchase it myself, but due to circumstances beyond my control (he glares at Jesse) I’m afraid that as of next week this store will be a Music Town (Record Village?).

(Everyone (those who didn’t already know) is shocked at this announcement.)

-Max: Dammit Jesse I curse the day I suggested Jim should hire you.

-Daria: Now what are we going to do?



Scene 19 (Continued)

-Jim: (Shouting) How the hell should I know? (He storms into his office.)

-Stephanie: Now what am I gonna do, this is the only place that would hire me!

-Daria: Well if you wanna know who to blame…(she trails off as she catches Jane glaring at her)…blame Darth Vedder, he’s the one that’s trying to take it over. (Jane smiles at her and all is well between the two.)

-Max: That’s funny, I thought it was all Jesse’s fault. (Various supporters shout their agreement.)

-Daria: He was just trying to help, at least he did something to try and save the store and not just sit around and whine about it like the rest of us. (Jesse beams at her) Anyway I’ll be right back. (Various see ya’s)



Scene 20 (Jim’s office)

(Jim is in a fairly good mood considering the events that just went down. He is smiling slightly to himself. As Daria knocks on the door and enters he puts on a rehearsed scowl.)

-Jim: What?

-Daria: You know, never mind. (She turns to leave.)

-Jim: No, Daria stay and have a seat, what seems to be the problem?

-Daria: Well actually it’s kind of personal.

-Jim: Daria, spit it out.

(Daria relates the details of Rex’s sexual harassment. Jim is shocked and after comforting Daria, he jumps up and storms out of his office.)



Scene21 (Customer Area)

(Rex is singing autographs when Jim runs in, grabs him by the collar, and starts to throw him out.)

-Rex: (enraged) What the hell is this about!

-Jim: I don’t allow losers who won’t treat my teenage employees with respect to stay in my ‘dump’.

-Rex: What do you mean?

-Jim: Daria told me what you said to her and I have just one thing to say to you, you stupid little @#$& (let your minds fill in the symbols), get your @$$ out of my store. (Jim picks him up and throws him out. Jenn who witnessed the whole scene is disgusted by Rex and annoyed at her high-school boyfriend’s macho behavior. She leaves through the back unnoticed.)



Scene 22 (Walking down the street in front of Empire Strikes Back Records)

-Rex: (muttering to himself) I’ll show them…throw me out…I’m going to the press.

(A minute or so goes by.)

-Rex: And what the Hell happened to Jenn?



Scene23 (Count out Room)

(Trent rushes into the room to get Greggie’s advice on what to do about Daria. As he rushes in he sees a hologram on the wall and the hologram is talking to Greggie.)

-Hologram: Help us Greggie Wan.

(The hologram disappears and Greggie turns to face Trent)

-Greggie: Yes my son.

-Trent: (in awe) Who was that…that specimen of perfection?

-Greggie: That, my child, was Princess Feia, an LA musician in a bitcin’ band I’m managing. She will be here shortly.

-Trent: She’s, coming here….? I gotto go change.

(Trent runs out of the room and out of the store realizes he has no other clean clothes, reenters the store and goes back to work, smitten with Princess Feia and having no romantic feelings for Daria…only sexual ones…but as he said…those are perfectly normal.)



Scene 24 (Out in front of Empire Strikes Back Records)

(Jane and Jesse are making out when they are rudely interrupted.)

-Reporter 1: Excuse me, is it true that Rex Herring was mentally and physically abused while signing autographs here, and then thrown out without any warning or reason?

-Reporter 2: Was he really literally picked up and thrown out buy an ex-wrestler who then proceeded to beat the living crap out of him?

-Reporter 3: And are you really having a sale on all your vinyls?

-Jesse: NO, NO, and YES 20% off selected items only.

-Reporter 1: What did happen?

(All three of the reporters’ cameras focus on Jesse.)

-Reporter 2: (muttering to Jesse) Keep the language clean kid, we’re live.

-Jesse: It’s all a big misunderstanding, Rex Herring sexually harassed a teenage girl. But I have even bigger news…the staff at Empire Strikes Back Records is holding a huge party here, tonight at midnight, bring all the money you can and help us SAVE THE EMPIRE!! We’ll have everything a live band, the up and coming Mystik Spiral, cheap beer, good food…and of course our everyday low prices that our competitors can’t even compare to. Yea!!!

-Reporter 3: (muttering to himself) We should’ve known not to go live when dealing with his kind.



Scene 25 (Midnight at Empire Strikes Back Records)

(The party is just getting started. The whole staff is helping set up for the big event. Jars for money are being placed at selected locations. Kegs of Beer are being wheeled over buy some of Freddie’s friends. Mystic Spiral is setting up on top of the store. All of the members except for Trent are up there. Trent is waiting by Greggi-Wan for the lovely Princess Feia, who enters the scene now.)

-Trent: Is that her?

-Greggi-Wan: No for the fifth time…I will tell you when I see her. That’s not her.

-Trent: How about her?

-Greggi-Wan: Patience my son, things come to those who wait. (A minute passes) That is she.

-Princess Feia: Greggi-Wan I need your hel….(Sees Trent) Hello.

-Trent: Hey

-Princess Feia: (giggles) Hi.

(Greggi-Wan rolls his eyes as the greeting repeats itself several more times. Finally he interrupts the two.)

-Greggi-Wan: Princess Feia, Trent, Trent, Princess Feia. You two can get to know each other later. Right now Trent must go play.

-Princess Feia: You’re in a band?

-Trent: Yea

-Princess Feia: Me to!

-Greggi-Wan: (sarcastically) Must be fate.

-Trent: Do you wanna like…you know do something later?

-Princess Feia: (suggestively) What did you have in mind?

-Trent: (His face turns red) You know pizza or something.

-Princess Feia: (laughing) When, like what 4 o’clock in the morning? This party just started and I’m sure it’s not going to be over till then…or even later.

-Trent: (Stares at his shoes) Um

-Princess Feia: I’d love to.

-Greggi-Wan: (Mutters) Great. Can we move on?

(From a distance Daria is watching the trio wondering who the girl with the weird buns on either side of her head is. Her thoughts are interrupted by a masculine voice.)

-Guy: Uh…excuse me.

-Daria: Yea. (turns to see a really hot guy. Blond hair, blue eyes a regular All-American Ken. Not the kind of guy you’d expects to see Daria with. Daria is somewhat smitten.)

-Daria: Uh…Hi…um what?

-Guy: Yea I was just…(looks down at her, he had been just staring at the sky as usual.)…Hi.

-Daria: I’m…um…Hi.

-Guy: Yea me too.

-Daria: (Snaps out of it) What I meant was I’m Daria.

-Guy: Yea me too. No (snaps out of it) I mean I’m Luke…Luke Groundwalker. I’m looking for this girl…

-Daria: (Cuts him off) Of course you are…she’s probably here…somewhere.

-Luke: No she’s not really a girl. (Daria looks very confused) well I guess she is but not (shudders) like, you know. She’s my sister.

-Daria: (Sheepishly) Oh

-Luke: There she is. ( He points to the stage where Princess Feia and Trent are looking at each other with mirrored dumbfounded expressions. Daria notices that Luke has the same expression except he’s not looking at Princess Feia, or Trent, he’s looking at Daria. Daria realizes that she has the same look on her face.)

-Daria: (Grasping for something to say) I think they’re going to sing.

(Music Starts)

-Trent: I know this cheesy but it captures the party’s spirit. ( He starts to sing "Sugar High" and gets to the chorus) Sugar High (drags it out)

-Princess Feia: (In the background singing) Gotta have it really need it to get buy.

-Trent: (Singing) Sugar High (drags it out)

-Princess Feia: (In the background singing) Gotta feel it can’t conceal it makes me high.

-Trent: You take the lead.

-Princess Feia: No I really don’t think…

-Trent: I know you can do it.

-Princess Feia: (Singing nervously) I…(glares at Trent)…far and wide. I’ve searched the deepest caverns of my mind. (Gets into it and is really very good) To try and find an explanation why…

(Down below Daria is talking to Luke)

-Daria: Your sister’s really good.

-Luke: (Shouting) What?!

-Daria: (Shouting) Your sister’s really good!

-Luke: (Shouting) You want some food?

-Daria: (Shouting) What do you mean I’m in a bad mood?

(Luke guides Daria to a remote corner of the parking lot. It is dimly lit and kinda romantic.)

-Daria: (Shouting) I just…(Blushes and returns to a normal volume) wanted to tell you that your sister is a good singer.

-Luke: Oh.

-Daria: Yea

-Luke: You know Daria you’re very pretty. In fact I think you seem like a pretty special person. Would it be okay if I…(as he talks he leans closer and closer)

-Daria: (As Luke moves in to kiss her) If you wha…(She thinks for a second then smiles and nods. They kiss and kiss and kiss and…you get the picture. They are however interrupted by Jane and Jesse who run over to talk to Daria.)

-Jane: (Excitedly) Daria, Daria, guess…(She looks and realizes what she just interrupted.) Oops.

-Jesse: (Obliviously) Daria, we raised enough money. We’ve saved the empire.

-Daria: (Still a little dazed) What?

-Jesse: Jeez, what’s with you? (Jane elbows Jesse and subtly gestures towards Luke. Jesse looks at Daria then Luke then Jane then glances around the remoter area and it dawns on him what’s been going on. He then speaks in an Austin Powers styled voice) Yea baby. (Jane and Daria simultaneously smack him upside the head.)

-Jane: (To Luke) I’m Jane and this moron is my boy toy Jesse.

-Luke: I’m Luke Groundwalker, that’s my sister Princess Feia up there making out with the pierced guy.

-Jane: Oh you don’t say. That’s my brother Trent.

-Luke: (To Jesse) You were saying something about raising money?

(Jesse and Jane explain what has been going on and reveal that so many people have given money that they now have enough to save their beloved workplace. All four go to get the rest of the staff so they can deliver the good news to Jim.)



Scene 26 (Three o’clock in the morning after the party in Jim’s office. The staff along with Greggi-Wan, Princess Feia and Luke Groundwalker had just finished telling Jim what they had done.)

-Jim: (Laughs) You kids really shouldn’t have. Hold on a second will you. (He makes a quick phone call and won’t say anything until the mysterious phone person arrives. Moments later the door opens to reveal…Darth Vedder!?)

-Jim: (To Darth) You will not believe what these kids just did. (He explains it to Darth Vedder and ends by showing him the money.) They raised even more than Jesse took. You know what that means…

-Jesse: (Unasuredly) You can save the empire?

(Darth Vedder and Jim laugh uproariously)

-Jim: No no no. You see the truth is Darth Vedder and his music company already own Empire Strikes Back Records. We are just a small subsidiary, always have been. We knew you kids would do something to get us publicity if you thought your precious store was in danger of being taken over by a business tycoon.

-Jane: But…then…what the hell was the money for?

-Jim: Darthy and I are going to Hawaii.

-Daria: I am truly disgusted.

-Jesse: (Shocked) Daria I never knew you were so narrow-minded.

-Daria: (Snarls) I mean about…arg…the damn publicity stunt.

-Jesse: Publicity stunt?

(Daria reaches out to hurt Jesse but is stopped by her new…ahem…"friend" Luke.)

-Daria: I just have one thing to say…I quit.

-Jane: And me.

-Trent: Yea me too.

-Jesse: Since they’re all quitting can I have a raise? You know that whole Iron law of wages thing? Less workers equals more money? (Glares from everyone) No wait, what I meant to say was I quit.

(All the other employees agree and blow raspberries at Jim and Darth Vedder. They all leave.)



Scene 27 (It is June 30th and Daria, Jane, Jesse, Trent, Princess Feia, Luke Groundwalker, Greggi-Wan and Rex’s ex-manager/Greggi-Wan’s new lover Jenn sit around a very large table at the pizza place.)

-Daria: These days even the little guy is corrupt.


La la la la la