“Fast Times At Lawndale High”
By Danny Bronstein


Scene 1: June 4, 1995. Trent is walking in the hallway after school. As he
turns a corner he runs into Shelly.

Shelly: Hey, Trent.

Trent: Uh, hi.

Shelly: Listen, Trent, I notice we haven’t really talked much since... you
know, our breakup, and I ‘ve been meaning to ask you how you’re holding up.

Trent: Uh, fine.

Shelly: You sure? You’ve been kind of spacey and distant lately. More so
than usual.

Trent: I’m fine, Shelly.

Shelly: Well, good. Just wanted to make sure we’re still cool.

Trent: Sure. We’re cool. Uh, I gotta go. See ya.

(Trent walks past her. Shelly looks on in concern. Jesse walks by and sees
this too.)

Scene 2: Jane is sitting in the grass with her new “friends”, Brittany,
Cindy, Naomi and Claudia.

Claudia: So then, like, he drives up in his car, and it’s the ugliest Chevy
I’ve ever seen! Like, it doesn’t even have a CD player in it! So then,
like, we go to Chez Pierre, and don’t make me start going into how awful
that was! Like, he starts talking about this trip to Hawaii he took last
spring... Can you believe his family flew coach??? Oh my God, I’d just die
if I had to fly coach!

Cindy: Aren’t you dating his older brother now?

Claudia: Yeah! And can you believe he’s still mad at me because of that?

Naomi: Men are so immature.

Brittany: Hey everyone, did you know the Lawndale High cheerleading tryouts
are next month?

Naomi: You’re gonna try out?

Brittany: Yeah! Wanna see the cheer I came up with?

Naomi: Sure!

Cindy: Yeah!

Claudia: Go ahead!

Jane: Whatever.

Brittany: (cheering) Go Lawndale Lions, we’re Number One! Gimme an L! Gimme
an O! Gimme an N! Gimme a D! Gimme an A! Gimme an I! Gimme an L! What does
it spell? Lawndale! Yay!!! (jumps up and down) Whaddaya think?

Cindy: I love it!

Claudia: Great!

Naomi: Way to go!

Jane: Well... it would help if you knew how to spell Lawndale, but other
than that, not bad.

Brittany: Say, Jane, you’ve been awful quiet.

Cindy: Yeah, Jane, you should talk more.

Jane: I don’t feel like talking. What’s there to talk about?

Naomi: You know what you need, Jane? A makeover.

Claudia: Yeah, when are you gonna let us give you a makeover, Jane?

Jane: Uhh... let me think about that a little more.

Brittany: (looks at watch) Hey! it’s almost 3:30! All the cute food court
guys at the mall are gonna get off work! Come on!

(The girls get up and walk off, all except Jane, who goes the other way.)

Brittany: Coming, Jane?

Jane: Uh, no. I have to go home and jog. I’m training for the Lawndale
track team.

Brittany: You sure? Lotta cute guys at the mall.

Jane: Thanks, but I’ll pass.

Brittany: OK. See you later then. (Brittany and the girls walk off.)

Jane: Later. (rolls eyes and walks off.)

Scene 3: At the Lane residence. Trent and Jesse are in the basement.

Trent: Hey Jesse, wanna hear a new song I wrote?

Jesse: Sure.

Trent: I call it “Icebox Woman”. (starts playing guitar)
You’re an angel in black, you sure have a knack, for putting my heart on
the shelf in the back, I’m still waiting my turn oh, when will I learn, my
poor heart, you’re giving it freezer burn! Yeah! (stops playing) And that’s
all I wrote so far. What do you think?

Jesse: Man, this breakup is really getting to you, isn’t it?

Trent: Huh? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Jesse: Oh, come on, Trent. That song has Shelly written all over it. Ever
since the two of you broke up, you’ve been like this.

Trent: Like what?

Jesse: I don’t know, depressed, edgy.

Trent: I am not.

(phone rings.)

Jesse: The day you broke up you went out and beat a guy up.

Trent: You’d have done the same thing for your sister.

Jesse: Still, I’d never seen you like that before.

Jane: (from upstairs) Trent! Shelly’s calling!

Trent: Tell her I’m not home!

Jesse: You should talk to Shelly.

Trent: Man, who the hell are you to tell me what to do? Have you ever been
dumped by a girl for another girl?

Jesse: No, but I am your best friend and I do know post-breakup depression
when I see it.

(Trent looks down sullenly.)

Jesse: Good song, though.

Meanwhile, Jane goes into Penny’s room. Everything is in boxes. Penny is
putting CD’s into a box.

Jane: What’cha doin’?

Penny: Packing up my Selena albums.

Jane: Wow, you’re really gonna do it, aren’t you? You’re really going to

Penny: Yep. There’s nothing left for me here. I have nowhere to go but
south. What’s new with you?

Jane: Oh, not much. Penny?

Penny: Yeah?

Jane: If you hang out with these people whom you don’t like and have
absolutely nothing in common with, do they count as your friends?

Penny: I don’t know. Why would you want to hang out with people you don’t

Jane: Well, because I have no one else to hang out with and these people
tolerate me hanging out with them.

Penny: Do they like you?

Jane: I don’t know. They keep asking me to let them give me a makeover.

Penny: Sounds like they don’t respect the way you look. What caused them to
let you hang out with them?

Jane: After Trent beat up this one guy for me at a party two months ago,
they all thought it was cool.

Penny: And that’s it?

Jane: That’s it.

Penny: Doesn’t sound like much.

Jane: So what do you think?

Penny: Let me get this straight. They don’t like the way you look and
dress, they have nothing in common with you, but they let you hang out with
them because they like your brother.

Jane: Well if you put it that way, yeah, they don’t seem like my friends.
But I don’t have any other friends besides them.

Penny: Why not?

Jane: I can’t find any people with the same interests as me. You had your
group in high school, and Trent had his, but I just don’t fit in anywhere.

Penny: I don’t think “fitting in” is that important, Jane. In my opinion
all you need is one good friend.

Jane: Yeah, well I’m still waiting for that one good friend.

Scene 4: Mrs. Barch’s science class, on June 5, the day of the science
projects. Students are talking amongst themselves.

Student 1: Hey, did you hear what happened to Mrs. Barch?

Student 2: No, what?

Student 3: Her husband left her!

Student 4: No way!

(Mrs. Barch enters.)

Barch: Good morning, ladies and scum. It’s time to present your science
projects. Would anyone like to go first?

(Bobby Sherman raises his hand.)

Barch: Let’s see... Jessica?

(Bobby puts down hand in dismay.)

Later on, after the girl finishes...

Barch: Thank you, Jessica. You get an A. Next?

(Bobby raises his hand.)

Barch: Nora?

Later on...

Thank you, Nora. That was great. Next?

(Bobby raises his hand.)

Barch: Elaine?

Much, much later...

Barch: Thank you, Samantha. OK, now that we’re done with all the good ones,
would any of the men like to give it a shot?

(Bobby raises his hand.)

Barch: (rolls eyes) Oh, fine. Bobby, come up and do your project.

(Bobby comes up with a display.)

Bobby: Over the last few months, I have been doing research on an herb in
the Amazon rainforests that may hold the cure for cancer. What I have for
you all is an actual specimen of this herb and a display showing what it does.

Barch: Wow, Bobby. That’s very impressive. Did you get your sister to help

Bobby: I don’t have a sister.

Barch: Well then no doubt your mommy helped you with it.

Bobby: No! I did the whole thing myself.

Barch: Oh, right. You, a male, did all this research and managed to obtain
a life-saving herb all by yourself? You make me sick, Bobby. You fail. Go
sit down.

Bobby: What? You didn’t even give me a chance! Wait, I know what this is.
You’re upset because your husband left you.

Barch: That has nothing to do with it!

Bobby: Oh, come on. You let all the girls go first, then don’t even give me
a minute! I think you have this thing against men now.

All the guys: Yeah!

Barch: That’s it! One more outburst out of you and all the men get
detention! Now go sit down! You make me sick!

Bobby: No, you make me sick, Mrs. Barch. (picks up project and sits down.)

Barch: Would anyone else like to go?

(nobody raises their hand.)

Scene 5: Mrs. Barch sits in the teachers’ lounge angrily smoking a
cigarette. Mr. O’Neill approaches her.

O’Neill: Janet?

Barch: What the hell do you want?

O’Neill: Well, I know you’re upset about your husband, and I just want you
to know that if you ever need anyone to talk to...

Barch: Why would I want to talk to a man about it? Wait, I know what this
is! You think that since I’m newly single, you have the opportunity to hop
into the sack with me! That’s it, isn’t it?

O’Neill: Well no, that’s not it at...

Barch: Well, let me tell you something, buster. You’re never gonna get the
chance to sleep with me! Never! Not even in your wildest dreams! (storms off)

Scene 6: Trent arrives at Shelly’s place. She lives in a house somewhere
off in the sticks. Trent walks across the front yard, which has tall
unmowed grass and a barking black dog chained to a post, and knocks on the
screen door. Shelly’s dad, Earl, a tall man with a goatee and a red cap
that says RED’S BAIT SHOP and a beer, opens the door.

Earl: Yeh?

Trent: Uh, hi, Mr. Van Horn? My name’s Trent, I was wondering if Shelly was

Earl: Shelly? Oh yeah, she’s out yonder in the back choppin’ wood.

Trent: Oh, OK. Can I go talk to her?

Earl: Go right on ahead.

Trent: Thanks.

Trent walks behind the house to Shelly, who is indeed chopping wood with an
axe. She’s wearing blue jeans and a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off.

Trent: Hey, Shelly.

Shelly: Trent! Wow, hey, how’s it going? Welcome to Casa De Van Horn.

Trent: Nice. Why’s it so hot, though?

Shelly: Oh, well, summer’s coming up, and that means we’ll be getting a lot
of forest fires, since the sunlight reflected off the glass buildings at
Halicon Hills Corporate Park seems to hit right around here. Yep, the
volunteer fire department is just about on the edge now.

Trent: That sucks.

Shelly: Well, you learn to live with it. So what’s up?

Trent: Shelly, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. Remember when you asked me
how I was holding up after our breakup and I said I was fine?

Shelly: Yeah.

Trent: Well... I’m not fine, Shelly. In fact everyone says I’ve been acting
really weird and I think they’re right.

Shelly: You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?

Trent: Just the fact that one minute you’re my girlfriend, the next minute,
boom! you’re a lesbian. It’s like something out of “Sick Sad World” or

Shelly: Trent, we went over this before. It’s not your fault.

Trent: And that’s the other thing, Shelly. I keep thinking that this is my
fault. It’s almost like it all began after we had sex. I mean I know it was
my first time and it wasn’t yours, and I was just this hideous
disappointment and...

Shelly: (laughing) Trent, I can’t believe I’m hearing this! You actually
think that just because you weren’t any good that I’d up and change my
sexuality? That’s ridiculous! Not only that, but you’re acting like I’m way
more experienced than you! Come on, Trent, it’s not like I had that many
guys before you! In fact, I feel really weird about you being so hung up on
me. What do you see in me, anyway?

Trent: I don’t know what it is, Shelly. I guess I just always liked how you
were always unafraid to speak your mind and tell things like it is, and how
you just seem... different from other girls. Like chopping wood, for
instance. How many girls do that? And I like your sarcastic attitude toward
everything and how you used to always be there for Janey. I know Janey
liked you a lot. You were always giving her advice.

(Shelly’s sister, Sheila, who is a year younger, has blond hair and is
wearing a green minidress, enters.)

Sheila: Shelly, have you seen my makeup? My date’s gonna be here any minute!

Shelly: Nope.

Sheila: Oh, God, this sucks! Listen, if you answer the door, DON’T tell him
you’re my sister! I’d simply die!

Shelly: OK, but it’ll cost ya. (holds out her hand.)

Sheila: Oh, fine. Here. (hands Shelly $20.)

Shelly: Mum’s the word. By the way, why’s your date meeting you here? Won’t
this whole backwoodsy environment scare him off?

Sheila: My God, you’re right! Maybe I still have time to call him up and
tell him to meet me at the mall! Can you drive me to the mall?

(Shelly holds out her hand. Sheila huffs and gives Shelly another twenty.
Shelly waves her fingers back and forth.)

Sheila: Argh! You are the worst! (Gives Shelly another $20 and storms off.)

Sheila: (offscreen) Mom! Have you seen my makeup?

Shelly’s mom, Darlene: No, honey. Cain’t you see I’m on the phone? Hey
Earl! Git yer ass off that couch and help Sheila find her makeup!

Earl: But Darlene, bass fishing is on! You know I never miss that!

Darlene: Earl, don’t make me have to whomp yer ass!

Shelly: (taking out makeup kit) Sucker.

Trent: See? That’s what I like about you. I don’t know too many other girls
who are like you.

Shelly: Don’t worry, Trent. I’m sure there’s a girl for you out there
somewhere. In the meantime, I hope we can still be friends.

(Suddenly 3 thugs enter Shelly’s backyard.)

Thug: There he is! That’s the guy who beat up our man Telly!

(Shelly turns to the thugs, still holding the axe. The thugs get scared and
run away.)

Trent: We can now.

Scene 7: Mr. O’Neill and Mr. DiMartino stand in the field. O’Neill looks on
as DiMartino shoots at a picture of a student.

DiMartino: Wanna take a crack at it, Tim? I got the entire football team
here. Who’s it gonna be? Tommy? Warren? Jimmy?

O’Neill: I don’t think so, Tony. This isn’t right.

DiMartino: What do you mean? You do find this THERAPEUTIC, don’t you?

O’Neill: Well yes, but... I didn’t take up teaching to end up doing this.
This is a way of expressing hatred for my students, and I don’t think I
really hate any of them. I mean yeah, a number of them get on my nerves,
but I don’t feel I hate any of them enough to be doing this.

DiMartino: Give it a few years, Tim.

O’Neill: And another thing. What was your reason for taking up this
profession, Tony? I believe that a teacher has to inspire students to want
to learn. I don’t see that attitude in you.

DiMartino: Ah, yes. The INSPIRATIONAL TEACHER attitude. I know it all too
well. Back when I started teaching, I had it. But that was BEFORE noticing
that my students have the motivation and learning skills of SLIME MOLDS.

O’Neill: Well, I believe that if a student is having problems, you should
make an effort to help him out. Have you ever given a student individual
attention, tutored, anything like that?

DiMartino: Well... no.

O’Neill: Every student has the potential to be brilliant if given the
chance. I think it’s a shame you don’t see that, Tony. I’ll see you around.
(walks off.)

Scene 8: Mary J. Blige’s “I’m Not Gonna Cry” plays in the background as
Mrs. Barch stuffs all of her ex-husband’s clothes and various other
valuables into his BMW, throws gasoline all over it, lights it on fire and
walks away.

Scene 9: Mr. DiMartino’s class, June 10. Bell rings, class files out.

DiMartino: (to Trent as he leaves) Trent, I’m going to have to see you
after school.

Trent: Uh, yeah, sure thing, Mr. DiMartino.

40 minutes after school ends, Mr. DiMartino sits, waits, looks at his
watch, waits, looks at his watch...

30 minutes after that...

DiMartino: Dammit!!!

Scene 10: Trent is sleeping when the phone rings. He picks it up.

Trent: (mumbles “hello”)

Jesse: Trent! You coming to the school graduation party?

Trent: Why would I want to do that?

Jesse: That’s what I said, until I found out which band was playing there!

Trent: Band? Don’t these things usually have DJ’s playing repetitive and
unlistenable hip-hop?

Jesse: Not this one. Turns out they got Bats With Guns to perform.

Trent: Bats With Guns? Haw, man, those guys are legends in this town!
Didn’t you use to be in that band?

Jesse: Yeah, until they got a record deal and the executives said I had to
leave due to “market research”. But that was a long time ago. I’m over it.

Trent: Man, I didn’t even think Principal Li would allow a band like that
to play at her school!

Jesse: Well, you know Principal Li. She’d let the movie “Backdraft” be
filmed in the gym if there was publicity involved. So, you comin’?

Trent: Sh’yeah! I’ll be there! See ya! (hangs up.)

Jane: (barging in) Trent, you have a visitor.

Trent: Yo, Jane, you ever hear of something called knocking?

(Jane rolls her eyes and steps out. Knocks.)

Trent: Entre’.

(Mr. DiMartino enters.)

Trent: Mr. DiMartino? What are you doing here?

DiMartino: How’s it GOING, Trent? Trent, during the course of this
semester, you have been in class SIXTEEN TIMES, and nine of those times,
you have SLEPT through everything. Of the seven hours of class that you
have spent awake, do you know how much of my time you have wasted? (Trent
shrugs.) SEVEN HOURS, Trent. You have turned in no homework and FAILED
every test. How does that make you feel?

Trent: I dunno.

DiMartino: Well I, for one, would be DEVASTATED by that. However, I
occasionally believe in second chances, so here’s what we’re gonna do. Over
the next few hours we are going to go over chapters 1 through 8 in the
textbook, so that you can get at least SOMETHING out of this course.

Trent: Uh, I think I left my book in my locker.

DiMartino: Well, then I guess it’s a good thing I brought mine. Let’s get

Scene 11: Jane is helping Penny pack the last of her things. While
rummaging through her closet, Jane stumbles onto something.

Jane: Hey, what’s this? (pulls out a whole bunch of small pictures.)

Penny: Oh, those? Those are some of your drawings that you did back when
you were little.

Jane: I used to draw all the way back then?

Penny: Aw, hell yeah. It’s all you ever did. You would just pick out
objects at random and sketch them, or take pictures with your little camera
and paint them on a canvas. You don’t remember any of that?

Jane: Well, come to think of it I do draw a lot, in fact it does occupy a
lot of my time at school. But I just do it ‘cause I’m bored. These are good
pictures though. I can’t believe I don’t remember doing any of this stuff.

Penny: You have a real talent, Jane. Maybe with a little work you could be
a professional artist some day.

Jane: I think you’re right, Penny. I’m going to get to work right now!

Scene 12: 3 hours later.

Trent: So like, America thought, y’know, we can’t have Communism spreading
all over Asia, so we gotta get in the middle of it, but the Vietnam War
lasted for years and years and millions of innocent people died and in the
end the whole thing just turned out to be... bogus.

DiMartino: Good ENOUGH, Trent. I think we’re DONE for today.

Trent: Are you really going to fail me, Mr. DiMartino?

DiMartino: Nah. I’ll probably let you slip through with a D minus.

Trent: Thanks a million, Mr. DiMartino.

DiMartino: No problem, Trent.

Trent: Mr. DiMartino?

DiMartino: Yes?

Trent: Is there a guy like me in all of your classes? A guy you can’t stand
who wastes your time?

DiMartino: I guess you can say that. But I think that even with students
like, say, you, it’s possible to get SOMETHING into their head if both the
teacher and the student make an EFFORT.

Trent: I see.

DiMartino: What are your plans after graduation, Trent?

Trent: I’m going to enroll in community college, transfer to the state
university in a couple of years and major in music.

DiMartino: I wish you luck and ACADEMIC SUCCESS, Trent.

Trent: Hasta luego, Mr. DiMartino.

DiMartino, Likewise, Trent.

(Trent and the teacher shake hands. Mr. DiMartino leaves.)

Mr. DiMartino walks to a car that’s parked across the street and gets in.
Mr. O’Neill is driving and gives him a thumbs-up. After the teachers’ car
drives off, Trent rushes into his own car and speeds away.

Scene 14: At the graduation party at the Lawndale High gym. Jesse runs into
his old friends, Bats With Guns, as they’re setting up. They’re all in
their late 20s, with long hair and lots of leather. The lead singer speaks
in a British accent.

Jesse: Well well, if it isn’t my favorite sell-outs.

Singer: Jesse? Jesse Moreno? Hey hey, how’s my favorite bassist?

Bassist: Hey!

Singer: Sorry, mate, second to you I mean. Wow, how long’s it been, Jesse,
couple of years?

Jesse: What, since you gave in to the smell of money and left me behind
because I tested badly with a bunch of trendies behind a glass booth? Yeah,
couple of years.

Singer: Hey, I’m really sorry about that. You really are a talented
musician. I hope you haven’t given up.

Jesse: No, a couple of buddies of mine just started a new band. We haven’t
named it yet.

(Trent joins them.)

Trent: Hey Jesse.

Jesse: Trent! Jeez, man, what took you so long?

Trent: I had to do some... homework.

Jesse: (nudges Trent) All right! I knew she wouldn’t stay a lesbian forever!

Trent: No, not that! I had homework! Really!

Singer: Who’s this?

Jesse: Oh, uh, this is Trent Lane, the lead singer of our band. Trent, meet
Nigel Posey, lead singer of Bats With Guns.

Trent: (shakes his hand) Oh my God! This is such an honor!

Nigel: Nice to meet you, lad. I see you got a Kurt Cobain thing going
there. Don’t blow your brains out, hear?

Trent: (annoyed) Right.

Nigel: Kidding, kidding. Here, have a copy of our first album. It’ll be in
stores next month. (gives copies to Trent and Jesse.)

Trent: Thanks!

Jesse: Yeah, thanks.

Nigel: Well, me mates and I have to set up now. Nice seeing you again,
Jesse. Give me a ring sometime, we’ll get together, play a few tunes.

Jesse: (insincerely) I will, Nigel.

(Trent and Jesse move away from the stage.)

Trent: Wow! I got to meet the lead singer of Bats With Guns!

Jesse: Yeah, glad you’re happy. You’re not the one who got left behind when
the train to fame rolled away.

Trent: Cheer up, man. You’re with my band now. Someday we’ll be more famous
than that band ever was! That is, if we could just find a name for our band.

Jesse: I have a friend whose last name is Hanson. We could use that.

Trent: Nah, sounds like the name of some annoying bubblegum teen band that
appeals to trendy 13-year-old girls.

Jesse: Well yeah, if you think about it.

(Shelly joins them.)

Shelly: Hey, Trent.

Trent: Hey Shelly, how you holdin’ up?

Shelly: Almost a month without a forest fire. A new record. Man, I just
can’t wait to graduate from this shallow hellhole and move out.

Trent: Me too. I swear, if there’s one thing I’ll never be, it’s a townie.
Once I enter university, I ain’t never coming back.

Jesse: You said it.

(Bobby joins them.)

Shelly: Bobby! What are you doing here?

Bobby: Tommy let me come with him. He can be a real nice guy sometimes.
Also he needed a designated driver.

Jesse: I heard about what Mrs. Barch did to you. That really sucks!

Bobby: Oh, not to worry. (secretively) I hacked into the school computer
files and changed my grade.

Trent: Really??? You hacked into--

Bobby: Shhh!!

Trent: Sorry.

Shelly: You know, if you can hack into college admissions files, I wonder
if you can enroll yourself in Harvard or something.

Bobby: Hey! Maybe I can get some of the seniors to pay me to hack into
college computers and get them enrolled! You just gave me a wonderful idea!

Trent: Yeah, just don’t get caught.

Bobby: Don’t worry.

Trent: (sighs) Only a week until we graduate. I just hope to God the
principal doesn’t say my full first name when she calls me up.

Jesse: Will you quit worrying about that? It’s not that bad!

Bobby: What’s your full first name?

Jesse: It’s--

Trent: Shut up!!

Jesse: Lighten up, dude!

Student: (from the stage) And now, Lawndale High is proud to present for
our graduating seniors, Lawndale’s very own, Bats With Guns!
(the band gets up on stage and starts playing The Ramones’ “I Wanna Be

Shelly: Why is that band playing a cover of a Ramones song?

Jesse: Maybe the principal told them to play something that wouldn’t offend

Trent: Wow! I know this song!

Jesse: Why don’t you go up there and sing it with them?

Trent: Oh, no, I can’t do that.

Jesse: Come on, man, it’ll be fun! You know you wanna jam with them!

Shelly: Yeah, come on, Trent!

(Jesse, Shelly and Bobby push Trent up onto the stage.)

Trent: Come on, you guys, this isn’t funny!

(Trent looks around awkwardly, then comes up to Nigel and joins him in
singing the song. The crowd goes wild.)

Principal Li: Good God! Somebody get that man down from there!

DiMartino: Leave him alone, Angela. Leave him alone.

Scene 15: The Lawndale High School graduation. As Principal Li is giving
her speech, something about going on into the new millennium with special,
almost orgasmic-sounding emphasis on the words “Lawndale High”, we get a
look at the families sitting in the bleachers. There’s the Van Horns, Earl,
Darlene and Sheila (who stares into space chewing gum). There’s Bobby
Sherman sitting with his parents. And all the way in the back are the
Lanes. From left to right they are: The parents, Amanda and Kent, whose
faces are not clearly seen. Then Summer (who looks like Jane with blond
hair), who is having a hard time keeping her kids, Adrian, Courtney, Winter
and Lois, under control. Then Wind (who looks like a buffer version of
Trent), then Penny, then Jane.

Principal Li: And I am pleased to report that this year, an unprecedented
number of seniors have been admitted to Ivy League universities! (crowd
cheers) My crack team of investigators are looking into it as we speak.

(crowd laughs)

Principal Li: (to herself) I wasn’t kidding. (Bobby squirms.) Ahem. And
now, presenting the graduating class of 1995!

(Principal Li goes down the list, by homeroom so it’s not alphabetical.)

...Shelly Van Horn! (as Shelly goes to get her diploma, her folks hoot and
holler hillbilly style, except for Sheila who looks on in embarrassment.)

...Tommy Sherman! (Tommy gets the loudest cheers, especially from the
football team.)

Trent: (to himself) Here it comes, please get it right, please get it right...

Principal Li: Trentholomew Lane!

(a disgruntled Trent goes up to get his diploma.)

Student: (as Trent is passing by) Dude, your name is Trentholomew?

Trent: Shut up.

(Trent takes his diploma and shakes the principal’s hand.)