“Fast Times at Lawndale High”
by Danny Bronstein


Scene 1: The Lanes: Mom, Dad, Summer, Adrian, Courtney, Winter, Lois, Wind,
Penny and Trent sit in the bleachers during Jane’s graduation from middle
school. The principal announces her name. Ms. Eisler, whose eye is
bloodshot pink, says, “Thank God.”

Scene 2: The Lane residence, July 4th, 1995. The siblings are helping Penny
load her station wagon.

Trent: Summer, Wind, thanks for coming all the way here for our graduations.

Penny: And to help me pack. We really appreciate it.

Wind: Aw, hell, no problem.

Jane: By the way, where’s the new wife, Wind?

Wind: Uhh... She couldn’t make it.

Penny: Broke up already, huh?

Wind: I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Summer: Jesus, Wind, get to know the girl before tying the knot! You’re
only 26 and this is already your third marriage!

Wind: I can’t help it, OK? Vegas is a magical place. Everytime I take a
girl there I just... get impulsive.

Penny: So don’t take girls there. Or just go with your friends or by yourself.

Wind: I did. My second wife was a showgirl.

Trent: Hey Summer, where are your kids? I haven’t seen them in an hour.

Jane: Yeah, me neither.

Summer: Oh yeah, they’re at the mall. They said they were bored so I let
them go.

Penny: The mall’s like six blocks away!

Jane: You let your kids go there unsupervised? Are you sure they’re old
enough for that?

Summer: Hell yeah, I let them do it all the time at home.

Trent: I dunno, man, Cranberry Commons is pretty huge. It’s not like those
roadside plazas you have near Denver.

Wind: Besides, remember that time you lost them for a whole week until they
somehow showed up at my doorstep? You need to be more responsible.

Penny: Yeah, Summer.

Summer: Hey, hey, who’s the oldest here? I think I’d know how to raise my
kids, OK?

(a police car stops by and an officer gets out.)

Officer: Summer Lane-Jobbs?

Summer: Yes?

Officer: Are these your kids? (Adrian, Courtney, Winter and Lois exit the

Summer: Why yes they are! Where have you kids been?

Officer: We caught them wandering around a few blocks from here. They said
they were lost.

Summer: Oh, well thank goodness you found them! I’ve been looking
everywhere! You kids should be ashamed of yourselves! Go to your rooms!

Adrian: Aren’t we staying in the basement?

Summer: Indeed you are! Now go there and stay there and think about what
you’ve done! Come on, you know the drill!

Courtney: Yeah yeah. Let’s go everyone. (the kids leave.)

Summer: Thank you so much, officer.

Officer: No problem, ma’am. (drives off)

Jane: You ever had any problems with Child Welfare?

Summer: Not yet.

Penny: OK, I think we’ve packed everything. Thanks everyone.

Trent: All righty.

(the siblings all face one another.)

Penny: Well... I guess this is the last time we’re all gonna be together
for a while.

Wind: Yeah. I’ll miss you.

Summer: Me too. Good luck in Mexico.

Trent: Yeah. Don’t drink the water.

Jane: Have fun.

Penny: (tearing up) Oh... I’ll miss you guys so much!

(Group hug.)

Penny: And Jane... Don’t worry about your social life. Everything’s going
to be just fine.

Jane: Thanks, Penny.

Penny: Well, I guess this is it. Where are Mom and Dad?

Trent: I dunno. Jane, do you know?

Jane: No... I thought you knew! Summer? Wind?

(Summer and Wind shrug.)

Penny: Well, tell them I said bye. See you!

(Penny hops into her station wagon and drives off. The other four wave as
she drives away.)

Trent: I give her a year.

Jane: Two years.

Summer: Three at most.

Scene 3: Trent and Jesse are hanging out in Trent’s room a few days later,
listening to the Bats With Guns record.

Jesse: This isn’t that great. This is nothing like what we played.

Trent: Sounds like generic post-Nirvana grunge.

Jesse: That record label must have really made them change stuff.

Trent: Yeah.

Jesse: Still, people are probably going to buy it. Bats With Guns must be
having the time of their life, living in the moment.

Meanwhile, Bats With Guns is at a rehearsal.

Nigel: No, no, no, you bloody bastard! You’re the worst rhythm guitarist
ever, Gunther!

Gunther: Screw you, asshole! Just ‘cause you’re me older brother doesn’t
give you the right to boss me around!

Nigel: Oh yeah? Well me old guitarist was better than you’ll ever be, you
no-talent loser! Only reason you’re even in this group is because the
record company said so! You can’t play worth shit!

Gunther: I’ll kill you, you bloody bastard! (lunges for Nigel. Nigel and
Gunther wrestle around on the floor.)

Nigel: No-talent bastard!

Gunther: Control-freak asshole!

Back with Trent and Jesse, who are listening to the radio.

Jesse: So how’s Shelly?

Trent: Her band’s traveling with Alternapalooza all summer long.

Jesse: Lucky for her. Hope we get out of here soon.

Trent: Me too.

Radio: And it’s a scorching 104 degrees here in Lawndale, what a great day
to head for the beach! And now here’s the new single from a band with a
bizarre name, Hootie and The Blowfish! (radio plays “Hold My Hand”)

Trent: Hootie and the Blowfish? Isn’t that a name you came up with for our

Jesse: Yeah! What are the chances?

(Trent and Jesse listen for a while.)

Jesse: This song sucks! These guys’ll never catch on!

Scene 4: Walking down the street in Lawndale is the Morgendorffer family.
(Studio audience claps and cheers.) Jake and Helen are dressed in their
recreational outfits from “Road Worrier”. Daria is dressed in the clothes
she wore on “Beavis & Butt-Head”: beige bomber jacket, black shirt, red
skirt, black leggings, brown hiking boots. Quinn is dressed in her usual
clothes but has the hairstyle of the moment, the Rachel (from “Friends”.)

Jake: Wow, my relatives live in the best neighborhood! Just look at this

Helen: I just don’t know if we can afford it at this point. Maybe I can
transfer if my firm opens up that Lawndale branch they keep talking about.

Jake: And I’ll open up my own consulting business! Then we’ll make enough
to afford a nice place! What do you think, girls?

Daria: Well, it can’t be any worse than Highland. The school there is just
a feeding ground for the shallow and incompetent.

Quinn: I just hope there are cute guys here. Ooh! Hey, look! Shopping mall!
Mom, dad, can I go? Can I, can I, can I??

Daria: Yeah, and can I have some money to buy a pizza?

Helen: Oh, all right. Your father and I need some time by ourselves.

Jake: Let’s meet back here in half an hour, OK girls?

Daria and Quinn: Fine.

Scene 5: Daria stands in line at the pizza place. Jane is behind her.

Jane: Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Daria: Army surplus. I’m just wearing them until I can afford a pair of
combat boots.

Jane: Yeah, I’m saving up for combat boots too. Until then I have to wear
these damn sneakers. Can’t look fierce in sneakers.

Daria: Tell me about it.

Jane: You from around here?

Daria: No, I’m just visiting here from Highland. It’s this little hellhole
in Texas.

Jane: Yeah, I think I heard of it. Isn’t that where a huge number of people
died in a traffic collision that happened during a blackout?

Daria: Yeah. How did you know?

Jane: I saw it on Sick Sad World.

Daria: You watch Sick Sad World?

Jane: Never miss an episode.

Daria: Me neither.

Meanwhile, Quinn enters the shopping mall. A whole crowd of teenagers are
around Sandi, but they all focus their attention on Quinn as she enters.
They all crowd around Quinn and leave Sandi all alone.

Meanwhile Trent enters a convenience store. He notices the guy at the
counter, who is none other than--

Trent: Hey! You’re Curtis Stalato!

Curtis: Uh, yeah. Weren’t you in a couple of my classes?

Trent: Yeah! Uh, didn’t you use to be a pizza guy?

Curtis: Yeah, like six months ago.

Trent: Cool. Uh, can I use your bathroom?

Curtis: Sure. It’s over there.

Trent: Thanks.

(Trent goes into the bathroom. A guy walks into the store, walks to the
counter, pulls out a gun and a paper bag.)

Guy: Money. Now, asshole!

Back at the pizza place, Daria and Jane are sitting at a table eating pizza.

Daria: So like I don’t really have any friends in Highland. Most of the the
other kids in junior high are losers who call me four-eyes. I’m just so
glad to be moving on to high school ‘cause I hear they don’t do it to your
face there.

Jane: Yeah, that’s what I hear.

Daria: Sometimes I hang around these two guys, Beavis and Butt-head, but
that’s mostly because I find their stupidity entertaining.

Jane: Usually I find adolescent stupidity annoying.

Daria: Yeah, but these guys are different. I think they’re inbred or
something. And they got this laugh you gotta hear to believe.

At the mall, Quinn and Sandi stand face-to-face as the teens gather around.
Camera slowly circles around them.

Sandi: What’s your name?

Quinn: Quinn Morgendorffer.

Sandi: I haven’t see you around here much.

Quinn: Yeah, I’m visiting here from Highland.

Sandi: Highland? The little hick town where everyone marries their cousin?

Quinn: Uh, no, Highland PARK. It’s in L.A.

Sandi: That’s pretty cool. What magazines do you like to read?

Quinn: Oh, you know, like, Waif, Teen Dream, Prom Queen... I tried
Seventeen once but they had that article on My So-Called Life. Who wants to
hear about that? It’s like, #93 in the ratings!

Sandi: That’s true.

At the convenience store...

Robber: Now open the safe!

Curtis: I don’t know the combination...

Robber: I said open it, asswipe!

(Trent opens the door and steps out of the bathroom. The robber turns to
Trent, and Curtis uses this opportunity to throw the coffeepot at the
robber. The robber gets scalded and falls to the floor, writhing in pain.
Curtis grabs the gun and points it at the robber. The manager enters and
sees what’s going on.)

Manager: Stalato! What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Curtis: This man was robbing the store!

Manager: Well yes, but did you spill hot coffee on him?

Curtis: In self defense, yeah.

Manager: Do you realize how much this man can sue us for now? The Maxi-Mart
corporation can lose up to a million dollars now! I’m sorry but I have no
choice but to fire you.

Curtis: But I saved the store!

Manager: I’m sorry Stalato, but next time you better think before you act.
Now clear your desk and get out of here.

Curtis: Desk? I work behind a counter.

Manager: You heard me!

Back at the pizza place...

Jane: And then there’s my brother Trent. He’s pretty cool. He’s really lazy
and sleeps all day, but he has a car and he’s always willing to drive me to
school, though he tends to fall asleep behind the wheel. He’s in a band
that he just started.

Daria: Well at least you seem to like your brothers and sisters. I can’t
stand mine. Her name is Quinn and... well, you know those trendy and
popular girls we try so hard to avoid?

Jane: Yeah.

Daria: Imagine having one living in your own house.

Jane: I think Summer was like that in high school.

Daria: Does Summer’s voice sound like nails running down a chalkboard?

Jane: No.

Daria: Lucky you.

At the mall...

Sandi: When I enter high school, I’m going to be president of the Fashion

Quinn: That’s great! If I move here, I’d love to join.

Sandi: You can be the vice president.

Stacy: I thought I was going to be vice president!

Sandi: You were, but Quinn doesn’t have a sister who’s a brain.

Stacy: But my sister lives in New York! I haven’t seen her in years!

Sandi: Still, that like, totally works against you. Quinn, you don’t have a
sister who’s a brain, do you?

Quinn: Uh, no, of course not.

Trent and Curtis sit on the curb outside the convenience store, drinking

Trent: Real bummer getting fired, man.

Curtis: That’s all right. That job sucked anyway.

Trent: Thanks for saving my life.

Curtis: Hey, if you hadn’t come out of the bathroom when you did, I don’t
know what he’d have done to me.

Trent: So, got any plans now that you’re out of high school?

Curtis: Oh, I dunno, keep working to support myself through college, I
guess. I just hope I don’t end up working in one of those tollbooths on the
way to Swedesville.

Trent: Yeah, you’d never see me working there.

Curtis: Have you ever had a job, Trent?

Trent: No.

Curtis: Why don’t you get one?

Trent: I dunno. I probably should. Make more money than what I get playing
gigs with my no-name band. But I just can’t see myself working for anyone.
I’m my own man. I go where life takes me. It’s like the guy in that really
popular movie said. Life is like a... uhh...

Curtis: Mystic spiral? No, wait, that’s not it.

Trent: Wait, what did you say?

Curtis: Nothing.

Trent: Something about a... mystic spiral?

Curtis: Nothing, it’s just a theory I once wrote down. “Life is like a
mystic spiral. It’s an endless circle of ups and downs that ultimately
leads nowhere.” It’s nothing. I was probably high when I wrote it.

Trent: No, that’s great, man! Thank you!

Curtis: Huh?

Trent: Thank you, thank you, thank you! (grabs Curtis’s head and kisses him
on the cheek, then runs off) Thank you!

Curtis: Uh, yeah, no problem man.

At the pizza place...

Jane: Oh, look, here comes my brother now.

Trent: Janey, there you are!

Jane: Daria, this is my brother Trent. Trent, this is Daria.

Trent: Hey.

Daria: (dazed, runs fingers through hair) Hi.

Trent: Janey! I finally found a name for my band! Tell me what you think.
You ready? Mystic Spiral!

Jane: Hmm... It’s all right. Daria, what do you think?

Daria: Oh, uh.. (thinking: Mystic Spiral? It’s about 30 years outdated. I
hate it already.) Great.

Trent: All right!

Jane: Maybe you should spell Mystic with a K.

Trent: Mystik Spiral... Hey, that sounds even better! Thanks! Well, I’ll
see you later. Nice meeting you, Daria.

(Trent leaves. Daria’s eyes follow him. Trent looks behind him at her as he
opens the door.)

Jane: Daria? Oh, Daria!

(Daria isn’t listening. She’s watching Trent cross the street.)

Jane: Hey, you’ll never guess what his real name is!

Daria: Uh huh.

At the mall...

Quinn: Well, it’s time for me to go. Later, everyone! (leaves.)

Crowd: Bye, Quinn!

Sandi: I hope she doesn’t move here. She’ll be a threat to my popularity.

Joey: Don’t worry, Sandi. You’ll always have us.

Jeffy: Yeah, Sandi. We’ll never leave you.

Jamie: You want a soda, Sandi?

At the pizza place, Daria and Jane have finished eating.

Daria: Oh damn, look at the time. I have to go.

Jane: Oh, OK. Well, nice meeting you, Daria.

Daria: Nice meeting you too, Jane.

(Daria and Jane shake hands. Daria leaves.)

Jane: Damn. Too bad I’m never gonna see her again.

Scene 6: Later on, Jane is walking with Brittany, Cindy, Naomi and Claudia.

Brittany: So Jane, when are you gonna let us give you a makeover?

Jane: Listen, Brittany, Cindy, Claudia, Naomi, there’s something I’ve been
meaning to talk to you guys about. I think it’s really nice of you to allow
me to hang out with you, but I’m getting the feeling that I have nothing in
common with any of you and I’d like to be by myself for a while.

Brittany: Oh, OK. It’s up to you.

Jane: So I guess I’ll see you around.

Brittany: OK. See you.

(Jane leaves.)

5 minutes later...

Brittany: Hey, you remember that one Jane girl who used to hang out with us?

Cindy: No. What did she look like?

Brittany: Umm... I don’t remember. I wonder whatever happened to her.

Scene 7: Kevin, Mack and Chuck are hanging out.

Mack: My dad went to City Hall today. My name is now officially Michael
Jordan Mackenzie. This is so humiliating.

Kevin: Don’t worry, Mack Daddy. Jordan sounds better than James anyway.

Mack: Thanks. But please don’t call me Mack Daddy.

(Kevin spots Brittany across the street.)

Kevin: Sigh. There she goes again. How do I get her to like me?

Mack: Maybe you should join the football team like me. All the football
players get chicks.

Kevin: Hey, you’re right! I’m gonna go train right now! (runs off.)

Mack: Wonder if he knew I was being sarcastic. No way in hell he can make
the team.

Chuck: Oh, I don’t know. I hear the coach and his dad are real close. Hey!
What time is it?

Mack: Almost 3. Why?

Chuck: Shit! Baywatch is on! I never miss that!

(Chuck runs off. While running he stops by two girls.)

Chuck: Hey ladies! Anyone wanna have a night on the town with Charles
Ruttheimer? I have my dad’s credit card!

Girl 1: Oh, shut up, Chuck!

Girl 2: Shut up...Chuck! Upchuck! Hey, that’s what we’ll call him from now on!

Girl 1: Yeah! You make us wanna upchuck, Upchuck!

(Up)Chuck: Rrr. Feisty! (continues running)

(Meanwhile, Mack spots an attractive-looking black girl and walks up to her.)

Mack: Hey there. Haven’t seen you around.

Girl: Yeah, my parents just moved here from Oakland. I’m Jodie.

Mack: Nice to meet you, Jodie. I’m Michael Jordan Mackenzie. Y’all can call
me Mack.

Jodie: Michael Jordan? How’d you get that name?

Mack: Long story. So, How do you like Lawndale?

Jodie: It’s nice. Mostly white, though.

Mack: Yeah, that’s the price you pay in the suburbs.

Jodie: So, MACK, you gonna show me around?

Mack: Don’t mind if I do.

Scene 8: Trent is listening to music on headphones in his room when Jane
walks in.

Jane: Hey, Trent.

(Trent waves hello.)

Jane: Trent, after meeting Daria today I’ve come to the realization that
there are others like me. People who are just as alienated as I am. From
now on, I’m not gonna worry about fitting in. I’m gonna dress the way I
wanna dress, say what I wanna say. Screw everyone. I’m Jane Fucking Lane,
artist and outcast!

Trent: (takes off headphones) Huh?

Jane: Never mind, Trentholomew. (leaves.)

Trent: (after a delay) Dammit, don’t call me that!