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Historical Inevitability
By Megaleus


Scene 1. DARIA and JANE walking through the hall to history class

JANE: I liked your speech in English.

DARIA: "The Faulty Measurement of Student Intelligence in American School Systems?"
Thanks. Not one of my best efforts but hey, it's got an impressive title.

JANE: Funny. I never thought that speeches were usually judged by their title.

DARIA: Sure. Mr. Turner spends half the speech grappling with the words containing more than
to syllables. It makes me look clever.

(They enter history class. They sit down as the bell rings)

MR. D: Good afternoon, class. Today we are going to start a GROUP project for the
end-of-semester GRAD-UH.

BRITTANY: (Waving her hand wildly in the air) Ooh!

MR. D: Yes... BRITTANY.

BRITTANY: Can Kevin and I work together? (With an amorous glance at KEVIN)

MR. D: Your groups will be selected at RANdom, Brittany. You don't get to PICK.

BRITTANY: (downcast) Oh. Um...

MR. D: WHAT?

BRITTANY: Are you sure there's nothing I can do about that? (Twirls her hair)

MR. D: (sarcastically) Well... you can ALLways hold your BREATH until you get what you
want.

BRITTANY: Oh! Okay! (Takes a deep breath and holds it)

MR. D: (disgusted sigh) ALL RIGHT. (Picks up a bowl with slips of paper in it and begins to
draw them out at random) The first group is Jane... (flash to JANE- blank look) Charles...(flash
to UPCHUCK- raises his eyebrows at JANE a few times) Brittany...(flash to BRITTANY who
concentrates even harder) Daria (Flash to DARIA who sighs resignedly) and... (squints at the
paper and sighs) Kevin.

BRITTANY: (Lets her breath out with a cheer) Hooray!

Scene 2: QUINN is in her room staring at a line of nail varnish pots which she has arranged
upon her desk.

QUINN: Hmm... pearl, pastel, or frosted?

(DARIA walks up to the doorway behind her)

DARIA: Quinn, what are you doing?

QUINN: Shhh! I'm trying to concentrate. It's Nail Polish Week at the fashion club. If I don't pick
the perfect color to go with my outfit, my vice-presidency is at stake!

DARIA: Out of curiosity, what do you have to do as vice president?

QUINN: Oh, the same as everyone else, but the guys think it's cool that I have a title.

DARIA: I can see why you need the quiet.

(DARIA enters the kitchen where HELEN is fixing lasagna)

DARIA: I'm going over to Jane's, mom. Our group is getting together to work on that history
project.

HELEN: You're so enterprising, Daria. You know, I remember when I had to do history projects
in high school. I once did a full scale diorama of the Battle of Gettysburg. My father helped me
carve each miniscule figurine out of the shrapnel that they dug out of his grandfather's leg.

DARIA: What a dedicated student you must have been. Did you get an A?

HELEN: No... my history teacher was a beatnik who decided that the best way to protest the
Cold War was to fail his whole class.

DARIA: Bummer. See ya mom.

Scene 3: The history group is sitting in JANE's room. In the backround you can hear the
faint sounds of TRENT and JESSE playing some song or other.

JANE: (Reading from a paper) Mr. D says that we can do a video, poster diagram, skit, diorama,
or written report detailing one of the battles in the Revolutionary War.

BRITTANY: Oh! Let's do a video! I'll be the beautiful heroine, and Kevin can rescue me from
the King Kong.

KEVIN: Sounds great, babe!

DARIA: Um, Brittany, that's the Viet Cong.

BRIT: Oh- whatever.

JANE: Besides, we're doing the Revolutionary War. You know, "The Redcoats are Coming"?

(BRITTANY looks confused for a moment)

BRITTANY: Oh! I get it! (Thinks for a moment) But where can we get a horse?

DARIA: Never mind, Brittany. Upchuck- do you have any ideas?

UPCHUCK: (Thinks) Hmmm... well I guess we could do a documentary of some sort. I volunteer
to direct! (Gives DARIA a sly look) Anyone want to be my camera girl?

BRITTANY: Daria, you can be the narrator! Your voice is just perfect for one of those old war
documentaries!

DARIA: Gee, I'm flattered. It's always been my dream to comment on old videos of people
blowing each other to bits.

JANE: I guess I'll work camera, then. I'm not very photogenic. Daria, you'd better write the
script, too.

KEVIN: I'll do the research!

DARIA: Suddenly I'm very, very frightened.

Scene 4: Back at school. We see QUINN hanging out with her friends from the Fashion
Club.

QUINN: (Holding out her nails) Well, how do you like it?

SANDY: What color is that?

QUINN: Pearly pink... you know... to match my shirt?

SANDY: Quinn, don't you know anything? Pearl goes with sheer. You've got to have matte pastel
with cloth.

JOEY: Hey... it's not that bad!

JEFFY: Yeah! It's like, a fashion statement!

JAMIE: It looks okay to me.

SANDY: Guys know nothing. Quinn, if I were you, I'd be worried. (She and the other fashion
club girls walk away. QUINN watches them go, heartbroken and sniffling.)

JOEY: Quinn? Are you okay?

JEFFY: I mean, 'cause we still like you.

JAMIE: Yeah. We don't care if you have, like, no fashion sense.

(QUINN runs off sobbing. JOEY and JEFFY both smack JAMIE)

JAMIE: What'd I do?

Scene 5: Back in history class. The group is sitting together in a circle.

DARIA: So Kevin? Find any good information?

KEVIN: Well... I found this!

JANE: (Takes the piece of paper which KEVIN holds out and reads) Listen, my children and you
shall hear Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere? What is this, Kevin?

KEVIN: It was the only thing I could find!

DARIA: Let me see. (Takes the paper) Kevin, where did you find this?

KEVIN: Mr. Turner helped me.

DARIA: Kevin, try to understand. This is a HISTORY project, not a study in epic poetry. (sighs)
I guess I'll have to do it myself.

Scene 6: DARIA is seen at her computer. She looks exhausted. In the backround we hear
QUINN in her room, crying. The phone rings.

DARIA: (picks up the phone) Hello?

JANE: Hey Daria. How's the research going?

DARIA: Let's just say that I've done more than Kevin.

JANE: Always a plus. I've got Upchuck over here now... he insisted on coming over to discuss
the filming of the project.

DARIA: I pity you.

JANE: Don't pity me! I dumped him on Trent. They're in the basement "bonding".

Cut to JANE's basement where we see TRENT and UPCHUCK. TRENT looks annoyed, and is
holding his guitar. UPCHUCK is intrigued and annoying as usual.

UPCHUCK: So... does being in a band help you pick up hot chicks?

TRENT: (Winces at UPCHUCK's choice of phrase) I play the guitar because music is my art.

UPCHUCK: Oh... does that turn them on?

Cut back to JANE and DARIA

DARIA: Oh. In that case, I pity Trent for sharing his gender.

JANE: If you can call it a gender. (They both smirk) Anyway, we should get the project
underway tomorrow. Think you can do it?

DARIA: Well...

JANE: If you can, Trent said he'll play backround music.

DARIA: I'm there.

JANE: Somehow I knew you would be.

Scene 7: JANE's house. The group is in the backyard. UPCHUCK is sitting in one of those
fold-out director's chairs with a beret on his head and a megaphone in his hand. BRITTANY
and KEVIN are going over their lines (KEVIN holding his script upside-down). JANE is
testing the camera, and DARIA and TRENT are talking.

TRENT: The Revolutionary War, huh?

DARIA: Yeah. Think you can come up with something that'll capture the emotional and spiritual
forces working at the time?

TRENT: You seem exited.

DARIA: It's not that I'm exited. It's just that I'm a little tired of being in a group in which I'm
forced to do the grunt work.

TRENT: You're the only person I know who could do it.

DARIA: (flustered out of a snappy comeback) Uh... thanks.

UPCHUCK: (Through the megaphone) LAYDEEEEES AND GENTLEMEN!!!! SHALL WE
BEGIN? (The rest of the group winces at the noise)

DARIA: (Mutters to Jane) As if his voice needed amplification.

JANE: (Loudly) What?

UPCHUCK: (Reads from his script) Our scene begins at night... night?

DARIA: (holds up a piece of black construction paper) This okay?

JANE: (focuses on it) Yup.

TRENT: Night... (Strikes a chord)

UPCHUCK: (Through the megaphone) ANNNNNND... ACTION!!!!

BRITTANY: Just a sec!

TRENT: NOOOO!

DARIA: What's wrong, Trent?

TRENT: I lost it!

JANE: (To DARIA) Never interrupt him while he's improvising. He gets very touchy.

DARIA: (glares at BRIT) This'd better be good...

BRITTANY: Well I just wanted to know... where's my motivation?

JANE: (To DARIA) Brace yourself kid. It's going to be a loooong day.

Scene 8: Back at school. QUINN is being followed by JOEY, JEFFY, and JAMIE once
again.

JOEY: Hey, Quinn! How are you feeling?

JEFFY: Yeah, 'cause I was, you know, like, worried about you.

JAMIE: I worried most!

QUINN: Shut up! My life is over!

SANDY and the rest of the fashion club walk up to QUINN

SANDY: Hey Quinn.

QUINN: Sandy? You're not going to ostra- um... excomm- um... not speak to me any more
because of my nail polish?

SANDY: Well... we were watching MTV yesterday, and all the models were wearing the same
color, so we thought, hey cool, Quinn's ahead of her time. So we all wore it today, see?

QUINN: Wow! I'm like, a trendsetter for MTV! That makes me even more special than before!

SANDY: Don't push it.

DARIA and JANE walk by on their way to history class. JANE holds a tape in her hand.

JANE: Well... it's now or never.

DARIA: Let us pray for DiMartino to be merciful.

(They both shut their eyes tightly)

DARIA and JANE: Ommmmmmmmmmm...

They enter history class and sit down as the bell rings.

MR. D: Ahhhhhhhhh. To day we will be GRAding your history assignments. (Looks at the class
with an evil glint in his eye) Who would like to be... first?

Suddenly KEVIN sneezes.

BRITTANY: Bless you!

MR. D: Ahhhhh. KEVin and BRITtany. What have YOU got to show for us toDAY?

BRITTANY: Uhh... well...

KEVIN: Um... Jane's got the tape!

JANE: (Takes the tape up to MR. D)

MR. D: Ahhhhh. Fresh meat.

The rest of the class looks alternately frightened/confused. MR. D puts the tape into the tv/VCR
setup.

On the screen we see DARIA's night backdrop being held up by one disembodied thumb
(DARIA's) and hear TRENT's night improv. DARIA's voice narrates.

DARIA ON TAPE: The battles of Lexington and Concord. When the British first learned of the
intention of the American colonists to fight for their freedom, they dispatched British troops to
Massachusetts in the hope of dissuading them. The colonists expected this, but they did not know
whether the British would sail into the harbor or if they would land further north and march
southward. This is why the colonists of Massachusetts sent Boston patriot Paul Revere to find
this information and relay it to the rest of them.

BRITTANY and KEVIN appear on the screen

BRITTANY: Now. Paul Revere. I will be. In the tower of the old. North. Church. I will put up a
lantern when the British appear: One. If by land. Two. If by sea. Got it?

KEVIN: Okay, sure.

BRITTANY exits the screen. Another hand is seen, holding up a model of an old church steeple
behind KEVIN.

DARIA: That night, two lanterns were seen in the Old North Church.

KEVIN: That means by land, right?

DARIA: No, Paul. By sea.

KEVIN: Are you sure?

BRITTANY: (From off screen) KEVIN!!!

KEVIN: Okay, okay! (Exits the screen)

DARIA: And so, Paul Revere rode to Lexington and Concord, warning the colonists that the
British had arrived. As she speaks, the Old North Church is withdrawn, and a hand is shown
holding a plastic toy horse which "gallops" across the screen.

UPCHUCK: (offscreen) NEIGH!!!

KEVIN: (Also offscreen) Uh... the redcoats are coming?

DARIA: In this manner the colonists were warned and ready by the time the British arrived in
their towns. They drove back the British in what was to be the first battle of the American
Revolution. Thank you.

As DARIA speaks this, KEVIN wanders onscreen. After the speech is over, he realizes this.

KEVIN: Uh... hi... uh.... "Listen my children and you shall hear-

Static. The tape is over. The rest of the class applauds.

Scene 9: JANE's house. DARIA and JANE are sitting in the basement listening to TRENT
and JESSE practice.

TRENT: (Finishing the song) So. How'd the project go?

JANE: We got an A minus. Pretty well, considering what we had to work with.

TRENT: I know what you mean. Jesse and I were thinking of stringing up that red-headed kid and
hanging him from the batons at our next gig. Just for decoration.

JANE: Go ahead. We don't mind.

DARIA: The class seemed to like your "Night" improv.

TRENT: Thanks. Filming that was a lot of fun. We should do that again sometime.

DARIA: (Thinks) Sure. We'll do a female version of "A Clockwork Orange" so he can
improvise to "Singin' in the Rain. That... sounds like fun.

TRENT: Cool. You're the best, Daria.

DARIA smiles.