Daria Fan Fiction #3
Summery: Lawndale's PE classes start teaching Yoga. Quinn catches the "inner
peace" bug and tries to get "earth crunchy".
Hey everyone! I'm doing that "use titles that start with letters that no one has
started their DFF stories yet" again. One more story after this and no letter section
in the "Title" section will be empty! Ok, that sounded VERY pathetic. My choice
of words in the summery is a little strange because I myself am a vegetarian
(lacto-vegetarian, for those who specify, and trying to go vegan), earth-lover (I am SO
into conserving, recycling, etc.), and avid animal lover (all dogs, to me, fall under the
term "honeys or swe-swes [short for sweet-sweet] and I KNOW that's nauseating but
it's the truth). I also am humanitarian (I have four "Free Tibet" bumper
stickers"). My vegetarianism does NOT mean that I am a wimp when it comes to blood or
other "yucky" stuff--I want to be a forensic pathologist and I am a horror movie
addict. Also, don't send me stuff about how meat is God's food and all that because I go
to a small private school in a very prejudiced, closed-minded part of the country where I
am accused of being an abortion clinic bomber and worse every day--I've heard it all and
your opinion will not change my mind. Sorry for that spiel-I tend to ramble sometimes. Ok,
here's a real announcement. I actually joined the Fashion Club at my school! Yes, it is
actually called the Fashion Club and it puts on a fashion show at the end of every year.
I, unlike Daria, have a passion for extracurricular activities. That's probably because I
like developing relations with different people. Anyway, you don't have to have any taste
to join and you don't have to adore any store like "Cashmans". However, if I
catch an electrode in my neck I might have to resign. Speaking of electrodes, I saw Katie
Holmes at the car wash during my vacation. What a jerk--she certainly has developed a diva
attitude quickly. I hate that--I also saw Joshua Jackson and he was really nice. Of
course, he's also the hottest guy on the face of the planet. As always, no copying my work
directly (I don't mind people copying themes, but copying whole paragraphs will annoy me).
Please, don't take offense at this little briefing and enjoy my story!
Scene 1: Quinn, Helen, and Jake sitting at the dinner table. Quinn is, of course,
dissecting her food.
Jake: This is really great Lasagna, Helen!
Helen: Jake, it's the frozen kind. So Quinn, what are you doing this weekend?
Quinn: I'm going on some dates and I'm going shopping tommorrow with the Fashion Club so I
need your Gold Card.
Helen: I wish wouldn't spend so much on it, Quinn. I'm going to have to set a limit.
Quinn: But Mo-om, you let Daria have it when she went shopping and you didn't set a limit!
Helen: That was once, and she was shopping for CDs, not clothing--which you really have
enough of anyway.
Jake: Where is Daria anyway?
Helen: She went out for pizza with her friend.
Jake: She had better be home soon. She said something about an event at school
Helen: Quinn, what do you know about this?
Quinn: All of the teachers are giving a lot of tests because it's getting close to the end
of the quarter and I really hate that. Just because they couldn't fit as much stuff as
they wanted to in this quarter doesn't mean they have to punish us.
Helen: Speaking of tests, don't you have them tommorrow too?
Helen: Don't you have a date tonight? Honestly Quinn, put a little more effort into your
schoolwork. You can't expect to go through life having other people work for you.
Quinn: It's OK Mom, the teachers said that they were planning to use one of our classes to
help us get through it so I'll do just fine. I just hope that the sheets are right--last
semester they totally screwed up the answers so they were all wrong and how were we
supposed to know that I mean would I be using the sheet if I knew about the stuff anyway
Helen: Quinn, were you thinking of cheating on these tests?!
ment my review sheet with the answers on it.
Jake: I wonder if Daria wants us to save some Lasagna for her
Scene 2: Daria's living room in the morning. Daria walks in and starts to head
upstairs. Jake emerges from the kitchen.
Jake: Hey, kiddo! Your mom wants me to talk to you
Daria: Tell her that I'm in counseling and see needs to take it up with my therapist.
Jake (pause): Huh? REALLY?!
Scene 3: Daria in her room. She is reading "Firestarter" by Stephan King (Ok,
I *love* that book and I thought that it fit the situation). There is a knock at the door.
Helen: Daria? I need to talk to you.
Daria (thinking): If a response would change her coming in. (Speaking) I'm hanging myself
right now, don't come in.
Helen (entering room): What! Daria, don't scare me like that!
Daria: State your message and I'll get back to you.
Helen: I wanted to tell you that your school called. They said to bring a yoga mat to P.E.
Daria: Yoga? Why?
Helen: I'm not sure, but I'm sure it will be an enlightening and mind-expanding
Daria (Thinking): Isn't that what hallucinogens are for?
Helen: Just think, you'll be filling that large social void in your life with
Daria (thinking): Yeah, just like that large void in your head.
Helen: So Daria, have any plans this weekend?
Daria: Count the number of people I hate, shoot some innocent bystanders, you know, the
Helen: I ment something a little more
social. How about a party? Quinn's going to one
Daria: I don't think so. It's not like I'd be interested in anything that goes on there.
Helen: I'm sure there's something there you could do. Parties usually have so many
different types of things to do..
Daria: Yeah. Dance like an idiot, get drunk, or make out. Sometimes there's the occasional
opportunity to commit some sort of crime, but I'm not sure the people at this party will
have time, between their drinking and sexual encounters.
Helen: What? Daria, are you kidding? That sort of stuff didn't go on until college in my
Daria: Oh really?
Helen: Where's Quinn? (runs out of room)
(small Daria smile)
Scene 4: Daria in P.E. class. She and Jane are sitting on a pair of mats, with legs
Jane: This is really stupid.
Daria: Of course. But it's better than cheerleading.
Jane: I have to agree with you there.
Gym instructor: All right people, let's get started. We'll start with Sun Salutes and then
move on to--
Brittany: Mrs. , what's a sun solute?
Daria: It's when the Chinese make you stare directly at the sun for long periods of time
Gym instructor: Daria, that bad attitude is getting you nothing but a ruined GPA. If you
want to pass this class and not have to take it again next year, I'd suggest that you
start participating. Because next year I can make this hell for you Daria. I hope you pay
special attention in class today, because you're going to need all the relaxation you can
Jane: You might want to lay off on those pills. I heard they can affect your behavior and
make you a--
Gym instructor: All right, Lane. One more word out of you and it's Mrs. Lee's office.
Jane: Don't mention it. Did I tell you I was planning on going to a concert next Friday?
Daria: No. Who's playing?
Jane: Some unknown alternative band. Trent wanted to go but he got a killer gig on
Daria: Why couldn't he go if the gig wasn't until Saturday?
Jane: If Trent goes to a concert, he'll probably be so wasted he won't be able to see for
a few days afterwards. He needs a week to fully recover.
Daria: Never heard of a hangover that bad.
Jane: He thinks that sleeping pills taken with No-Doz is a good remedy. Don't ask me where
he got that.
Gym instructor: All right, people. Let's get started
Scene 5: Daria in living room. She is writing in a notebook labeled
"Economics". Helen walks in and sits down on the couch that faces away from
Helen: Have you seen Quinn, Daria?
Daria: She's hiding in her room, probably wondering what her life will be like now that
she was forbidden to go to a party.
Helen: Can't win them all. Daria, your father and I are worried.
Daria: About what?
Helen: Well, you haven't done anything social for months.
Daria: I slept over at Jane's last night.
Helen: You need more than just one friend. Your father and I want you to get out and do
something with more than just one person.
Daria: FBI training course?
Helen: Daria, work with me here.
Daria: What do I get?
Helen: How about some spare cash? Let's say, $50?
Daria: Sound's good. Jane is going to a concert on Friday. I'll go too.
Helen: Good. I'm glad to see you expanding your horizons.(hands her the money)
Daria: If you think this is a move towards being more social, you're underestimating me.
Helen: Unfortunately, honey, you can't do anything about that legally.
Daria: Why do I have to have a lawyer mother?
Helen: Because otherwise you wouldn't have someone to defend you in court for verbal
Daria: That is a perk.
Helen: Maybe this concert will give you the chance to make some new friends and have some
fun away from Jane's house.
Daria (monotone): Fun.
Scene 5: Daria and Jane in line for drinks at a concert--an apparently large concert.
They are surrounded by some of the lovely looking people that go to Trent's gigs.
Daria: How long have we been in this line?
Jane: About twenty minutes. Why?
Daria: I have to go to the bathroom. If I'm not back in half an hour, assume I got lost on
the way there and get me a drink.
Jane: Sure thing. (Daria leaves. Jane pulls out one of those wristbands that allows you to
get alcohol and puts it on)
Scene 6: Daria coming out of bathroom into night air.
Daria: Have they ever heard of the concept of sanitation? Or more than 10 stalls for
20,000 people? God, I'm talking to myself again. (Daria walks back to the arena, where she
meets Jane on the grass.) Hey. Sorry I took so long.
Jane: No problem. Here's your drink.
Daria: What is it?
Jane: Virgin Margarita.
Daria: Never had one. What did you get?
Jane: Real Margarita. Never had one either.
Daria: If you get tipsy, I'm not apologizing to the people you insult or barf on.
Jane: Ditto. Cheers!
Scene 7: Quinn in her room, with Helen sitting on the edge of the bed while Quinn sobs.
Helen: Quinn, parties aren't good for you. I don't know what's going on there and--
Quinn: You let Daria go out! That's not fair!
Helen: I'm sure Daria's being quite the proper young lady.
Scene 8: Daria and Jane, standing on their blanket listening to the music.
Daria: That was a good drink. Would you get me another?
Jane: Sure. Just give me the cup for a refill. (Daria chilling to the music. Cut to a
later time, when Jane brings back the drinks.)
Daria: Thanks. (She drinks it down fast. Jane looks at her strangely, and hands her a
second drink. Daria does the same with it) Man, these are good. They make me feel like I'm
Jane: Daria, are you ok?
Daria: I'm fine
(Jane drinks her two drinks down fast.)
Jane: These are supposed to be alcoholic? They don't make me feel any different. (Looks at
Daria, who is dancing to the music in an un-Daria-like fashion.) Wait a minute
Scene 9: Quinn on phone with fashion club (screen in quarters).
Stacy: I can't believe your mom would do that to you Quinn. That is *so* mean.
Quinn: I know! I'm going to sneak out though. Maybe around nine.
Sandi: Do you have a plan, Quinn? So you don't get caught and grounded further?
Quinn: Good idea, Sandi!
Scene 10: Daria in bathroom stall, barfing, with Jane at side.
Jane: Sorry. Should have asked them to mark the drinks.
Jane: But you did show everyone a different side of Daria Morgendorffer.
Daria: What did I do? All I can remember is dancing
Jane: You puked on some guy, but he was drunk too so he didn't care.
Daria: Great. Uhhh
Jane: Ok, tiger, the concert's almost over. Let's get to a pay phone so we can call a
Daria: I can't go out on the street like this. My head feels like a sledgehammer hit
Jane: Daria, if the cops come by, it's a migraine. Otherwise, the cabby won't care.
Daria: I mean, how long till this wears off?
Jane: Well, you didn't have that much alcohol so it should go away in less than two hours.
And since the ride home is two and half hours, you should be fine.
Daria: Are you disappointed that you didn't get your margarita buzz?
Jane: Nah. We Lanes have a high alcohol tolerance anyway. I figured there was something
wrong after the third drink.
Scene 11: Daria coming home after concert. She steps out of the cab, and walks in the
door. Helen is sitting in the living room, reading in her bathrobe.
Helen: Hi honey. How was the concert?
Daria: Good. I'm going to bed. (Daria goes up the stairs and into the bathroom. She looks
in the mirror and sees that her vision is totally out of focus.) I'll really need that
yoga tommorrow. God, who ever thought I'd look forward to P.E.?
Scene 6: Quinn in school bathroom next day. She and her fashion cohorts are applying their
many layers of make-up.
Quinn: I'm *so* glad we're having yoga in P.E. now. This means I won't have to skip so
Sandi: That's good Quinn. A little exercise would do that figure of yours good.
Quinn: What are you saying Sandi?
Sandi: Oh nothing. That is a *really* good shade of lipstick Tiffany. Where *did* you get
Tiffany: The Andrew McGee Russian line.
Quinn: I got *my* lipstick from that too.
Sandi: Maybe you should have them help you pick out the shade next time, Quinn. It makes
your face look orange next to your lips.
Stacy: Did you guys bring your yoga mats today?
Tiffany: Mine's Calvin Klein.
Sandi: Mine's Betsy Johnson.
Quinn: I didn't know you were into her, Sandi.
Sandi: She *is* a major designer, Quinn. Maybe you need to research the fashion world a
(Quinn glares at mirror)
Scene 7: Quinn's P.E. class. Everyone is in a strange position, some struggling and
Stacy: This sucks.
Sandi: All these positions stretch out my pants!
Quinn: Maybe you need a bigger size. Besides, this is fun!
Gym instructor: No Talking! You're supposed to be relaxed!
Scene 7: Dinner at the Morgendorffer's.
Quinn: I love Tai Chi! You get in all these funny positions and you get all calm and you
burn calories without, like, sweating and stuff.
Helen: That's great honey!
Daria: It wasn't that bad
except for when Quinn started humming like she was a
Quinn: How do you know that?
Daria: My classroom that period is right next to the gym. Might want to hum more quietly.
Quinn: You know what? This being at inner peace is really cool. And those outfits they
wear are really cute--as long as it's cute people wearing them. It could be a big trend!
Jake: I'm so glad you like it Quinn. I used to do that meditating thing
Helen: Jake, that wasn't meditating. That was--
and we would all do it together in our group house. Remember? We grew our own
food and wore reed sandals and didn't use anything non-biodegradable!
Helen: Jake, I think that was a movie.
Quinn: Reed sandals? Cool!
Scene 8: School hallway. Quinn is wearing reed sandals, a tan tummy tank, and a pair of
very short cut-offs. Instead of her mini-purse thing, she has one of those macramé
drawstring sacks that acts as a backpack. Sandi walks up, very mad.
Sandi: Quinn, WHAT are you WEARING?
Quinn: You know Sandi, that top of yours can't be biodegradable. You should be ashamed.
Sandi: Do you know what biodegradable means, Quinn?
Quinn: That's not the point. This stuff makes a statement!
Sandi: What statement?
Quinn: Listen, Sandi, I'm doing this because I care about this stuff.
Stacey: Omigod Quinn, that is sooooo cute!
Scene 9: Daria and Jane, listening to Quinn's little spiel.
Daria: Does she have any idea what she's talking about?
Jane: Probably not.
Daria: Definitely not. She just thinks that this is all a fashion statement. She has a
faint idea that it might mean something, but if it does, she's not sure what.
Jane: She kicked some guy in the hallway today for not recycling his soda can.
Jane: Well, he really was recycling it but she doesn't know it was the recycling anyway.
She probably doesn't know where the trash is either.
Daria: It'll blow over soon.
Scene 10: The end of the week. Daria and Jane at their lockers.
Daria: I can't take this anymore. Quinn's been doing nothing but talking about how we
should save the cute animals and how everyone should be a vegetarian and--
Jane: Stop now. I don't want to know any more.
Quinn (a few lockers away):
and so I've decided to not buy any products tested on
bunnies anymore. That's just sooo
well, I don't know, but it's bad. And we should
definitely stop using all artificial products
Jane: She'll have to give up diet soda. Oh, the humanity.
Daria: I must stop this insanity.
Jane: What are you going to do?
Daria: I have a good idea.
Scene 11: Daria and Quinn at a health food store.
Quinn: So, what are we here for?
Salesperson: Your sister said you were interested in environmental issues, and that you
wanted to learn more about them.
Quinn: I did?
Salesperson: I'm going to show you a little video. You girls are so smart. Saving the
earth is really cool. (Video starts. We see colors and light flashing on Quinn's face,
which becomes more horrified by the second). Wait! Stop the video!
Scene 12: Daria and Jane in Jane's bedroom while Jane is painting a picture of what
looks like the face of the T-1000 at the end of Terminator 2, except more colorful.
Jane: So what did you guys show Quinn?
Daria: A documentary on hippies. Their fashion choices scared her. And she figured out
what you have to do to recycle. And what being a vegetarian means.
Jane: So basically she realized that she was giving up everything her corrupted mind
Daria: Yep. She can't wear her favorite make-up, she can't use her favorite products, and
she can't have that 10 calorie Jell-O because it has animal marrow in it. The sad thing
is, she was most upset when she learned that by not buying her usual products, she was
protecting rats, not bunnies, from animal testing.
Jane: Scary thought.
Daria: Especially when the scariest thing in your life is not having a date. I would have
paid to see her dates run away in horror after a few days without deodorant.
Hope you liked my story. As always, send all comments/insults/suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. To anyone with comments
on the issues listed in the foreword, send them to email@example.com so we can chat--I'm
always open to having a new email buddy. See Ya!