NOTE: Daria doesn't appear in this story. This is mainly about Jake.
DARIA is owned by MTV Networks. Used without permission. Daria created by Glenn
Eicher. DR. KATZ: PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST is owened by Comedy Partners. Used without
permission. Created by Johnathan Katz and Tom Snyder.
(Fade In. As guitar music plays, we see an insulated building in the middle of a big
The camera fads to an interior view of a black and white lobby, then to a hallway, to a
marked DR. KATZ PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST next to a sign marked IMPLANTS with
an adjoining arrow. We then see Jake entering a small reception room. He is alone save
for Laura, the adminastrative assistant (a fancy name for receptionist).
JAKE: Uh, hi. I'm Jake Morgendorffer, here to see Dr. Katz.
LAURA: Would you take a seat, please?
JAKE: Huh? Oh, yeah? Sure.
(Jake sits in a grey chair. A heartbeat later...)
JAKE: Do you happen to carry the Lawndale Sun-Hearled?
(Jake passes the time twiddling his thumbs. Later, Ben, Dr. Katz's 24 year-old son
smiling as usual.)
BEN: Hey, Laura!
LAURA: (not looking up) Hi.
BEN: How are you today?
BEN: Hey, that's great. That's excellent.
(a heartbeat later...)
BEN: Aren't you going to ask me how I feel?
(during all this, Jake is wondering how long he has to wait and why he has to pay so
for therapy anyway)
LAURA: (looking past Ben) Mr. Morgandoffer, the doctor will see you now.
JAKE: Oh, uh, thanks!
(Jake enters the black and white office, smiling to make a good first impression. Dr.
is in a chair with a pencil in one hand and a journal in another)
JAKE: Uh, hi. I'm Jake.
DR. KATZ: Hi Jake.
(Jake sits on the couch)
JAKE: So...I'll have you know this was my wife's idea.
DR. KATZ: (writing something down) Oh? Well, why--why does she want you to have
JAKE: Oh, you know how it is, you blow a gassket one day, then she blows a gassket
saying how I never listen, then I explode three more times the next day...
DR. KATZ: Oh. That--that looks like--looks like a pattern forming to me.
JAKE: (getting bitter) Oh, that sounds like something -she- would say!
DR. KATZ: (with his hands raised) Well, why--why don't you tell me about her.
JAKE: (calming down) Well, her name's Helen. We first met during the revolution.
DR.KATZ: You mean against the British?
JAKE: No, I mean the '60s. I was -for- the British.
JAKE: We were something. She had it all. I just got out off military school and then I
her. Helen taught me that the war was wrong and showed me a world where I could forget
my mad-dog of a dad.
DR. KATZ: "Mad-dog"?
JAKE: My dad, he couldn't stop drinking! He was a bottomless pit, I tell you! And to
things worse, HE'D NEVER LET ME HAVE ANY!
DR. KATZ: so, do--do you and Helen have any kids?
JAKE: Yeah, there's our first kid, Daria. Sometimes, I can't understand her. When she
two, Helen gave her a pink mini-shirt to wear. Daria immediatly threw it off and I said 'I
hope it just means she doesn't like the shirt'! Daria liked my green shirt though.
DR. KATZ: So it was a waste of a nice pink shirt.
JAKE: No. We gave it to our next kid, Quinn. She's like her mom, always smiling, became
popular on the first day at a new school. We gave her the stuffed animals we got for one
Daria's first birthdays. Quinn still has them.
DR. KATZ: So she always gets gifts meant for her sister.
JAKE: No. Daria still has the glasses we got for her. Of course, we -had- to get them
because of that eye-doctor's percription...
JAKE: It's the -bills- that bother me, Dr. Katz! The BILLS! It's bad enough that I'm
but I'm going to -die- before I finish paying for everything!
DR. KATZ: (looks at his bald spot) Then why are you paying me?
JAKE: You're relatively cheap.
DR. KATZ: Oh.
(Jake is back in the receptionist office with Laura)
JAKE: You know, I -do- feel better!
JAKE: Yeah, he said I'm -not- insane!
LAURA: Oh. (a heartbeat...) that's good.
JAKE: He also said I should find some other way to express my anger or at least aim it
something more positive.
(Claude from the Amazon Modeling Agency from the DARIA episode "Too Cute"
CLAUDE: (to Laura) Hello. I'm Claude. I'm hear to see Dr....
(Jake clobbers Claude for commenting on Quinn's body mounths earlier. There is no fury
like a father mad at his own father)