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KAREN CARPENTER BLUES
A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story
by
Peter W. Guerin
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With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Gene Roddenberry,
Rick Berman, Michael Piller, Jack Webb, Robert A. Cinader, Earl Jack Bloom
and John Krickfalusi.
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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER, WARNINGS AND THANKS
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None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity, this story takes place after "No Nudes is Good Nudes".
This story contains rather graphic portrayals of vomiting and bulimia.
Reader discretion is advised.
This story is part one of a two-part story arc that will conclude with my
next story "Outbitched".
The author would like to thank Emily Rosen, Martin J. Pollard, Peter
Paccione, Guy Paine, David Skelton and Michelle Klein-Hass for their
background music suggestions at the Lawndale Commons Message Board
(http://welcome.to/lawndale), as well as the #Daria+ and #Dariafan IRC
chat rooms at DALnet (http://www.dal.net). The author would also like to
thank Michelle about the tip-off in regard to Todd Haynes' film
"Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story", though he was not able to find
that film anywhere.
All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division
of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and "Star Trek: Deep Space
Nine"
characters are (c) 1987, 1993, 1999 Paramount Pictures Corporation, a
division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Dragnet", "Adam-12" and "Emergency!" characters are
(c) 1947, 1951,
1952, 1967, 1968, 1972 Dragnet Productions/Adam-12 Productions/Emergency
Productions/Mark VII Limited/Universal City Studios, An MCA Company;
copyright renewed 1999 Universal Pictures, a division of Joseph A.
Seagram's Company, Ltd. All Rights Reserved.
All "Ren and Stimpy" characters are (c) 1990, 1999 Spumco Productions/
Games Animation/MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
"Barbie" and "Ken" are registered trademarks of Mattel, Inc.
"Plymouth" and "Fury" are registered trademarks of DaimlerChrsyler
AG.
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A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT
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This story has parethetical citations within the text. The number in
brackets refers to the corresponding endnote that follows the author's
afterward.
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AUTHOR'S DEDICATION
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This story is dedicated to Karen Carpenter (1950-1983), a singer
tragically cut down in her prime by anorexia nervosa.
This story is also respectfully dedicated to Jennifer Jason Leigh, best
known for her roles in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and "Single White
Female", and one Hell of a researcher, who I think served as my Muse while
I was researching and writing this story.
"We've only just begun to live."
--Karen Carpenter, The Carpenters, "We've Only Just Begun"
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ACT I, MARINERS 0
(Spring training is here, folks!)
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("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play as the opening
sequence starts. At a movie theater, Daria is the only one not laughing
at a scene. In gym class, Daria lets the volleyball get past her, causing
Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. In the hallway, Kevin
and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker. Daria gets a whistle out and
blows on it, causing Kevin to think it's time for practice. He and
Brittany clear out, and Daria goes to her locker. At a football game,
Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the
volleyball get past her again, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile
looks at her again. At a wedding, the bride files past the
Morgendorffers. Pan left to show Jake, Helen and Quinn crying, while
Daria calmly picks up a newspaper with the headline "MAYOR INDICTED" on
the front page. Finally, at gym class again, Stacy and Tiffany collide
trying to get the volleyball, and fall to the floor unconscious. Daria
lets the volleyball get past her again. Close-up of Daria smiling, which
then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo, below which is the
caption "in: Karen Carpenter Blues".)
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Scene 1: The bathroom of Stacy's house, Lawndale, 7:30 PM Friday.
Background music: the opening piano segment from "Close to You" by the
Carpenters.
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(We see Stacy, wrapped in a bath towel, as she stands on a scale. She
looks down at the scale. We see her scowling.)
Stacy: That will never do. Even if I do survive the upcoming hearing
against me, (1) I've got to be a lot thinner than this for the upcoming
"Tri-Counties Fashion Clubs Showdown".
(Stacy now goes for a bottle of syrup of ipecac. [2] She takes a
spoonful. Fast cut to a few minutes later, as we see Stacy go to the
toilet and throw up.)
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Scene 2: Daria Morgendorffer's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111
Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 7:40 PM Friday.
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(Daria and Jane Lane are watching "Sick, Sad World" on TV. We see the
screen, which is showing cops in drag.)
SSW Reporter: These cops aren't on duty; they REALLY like to be in drag!
Transvestite cops, coming up next on "Sick, Sad World"!
Daria: Somehow, given how recent events in Lawndale have been going,
nothing on this show shocks me anymore.
Jane: Getting a bit jaded now, aren't we, Daria? (Smirks evilly over
that.)
Daria: If we were on Deep Space Nine, we could go to the holosuite and
recreate World War II battles like Dr. Bashir and Chief O'Brien.
Jane: Why not settle for the next best thing? Let's see if there's any
of your grandfather's old Army clothes up in the attic, grab some AK-47's
and raise some Hell for real. (Smirking evilly again.)
Daria: Only if you don't mind spending twenty-to-forty at Atlanta Federal
Prison. (She shuts off the TV.)
Jane: Hey! I wanted to see the transvestite cops segment!
Daria: Jane, it's time to get serious. Have you noticed recently how
Sandi's been acting to me? (3) She's been getting more and more hostile
toward me ever since Mom told her mother that I'm actually Quinn's
sister. (4) Not only that, Quinn's been telling me that Stacy's been
acting rather unusual lately.
Jane: How so?
Daria: She's been making a lot of trips to the bathroom.
Jane: So? The members of the Fashion Club virtually live there, for
God's sakes!
Daria: Point taken, but when it gets Quinn's attention, then there's
something up.
Jane: Perhaps she's actually dealing with drugs on the side? (Smirks
evilly yet again!)
Daria: (Getting a bit angry.) Jane, for God's sake, I'm trying to be
serious here!
Jane: Hey, don't get defensive, Daria.
Daria: Something's about to happen here, and it involves Sandi. I think
very soon, she's going to blow. (5)
Jane: So, if she does, blow her away with a bazooka!
Daria: (Getting real angry; she goes up to Jane and twists her head in
her direction.) Jane Coyote (6) Lane, will you fucking pay attention to
me! I'm being fucking serious here! If Sandi decides she's going to go
to blows with me, I don't know if I can handle it!
Jane: You've acquitted yourself very well with her in the past. (7)
Daria: I can only go so far with that.
Jane: If that was the case, Helen and Linda would have torn each other to
shreds by now, not to mention Sandi and Quinn.
Daria: Maybe you're right. But still, I fear that something's going to
happen.
Jane: Uh-oh, bad dream time!
Daria: Yeah, bad dream time. I keep having this recurring nightmare that
Sandi arrives at my house, and she beats me up with a baseball bat, then
leaves me for dead. You know what was the scariest part of that
nightmare?
Jane: What?
Daria: Hearing Sandi scream at me that I'm an ugly bitch.
Jane: Well, you'll just have to outbitch her, that's all.
Daria: Maybe Dad could put whatever fighting skills he managed to
remember from military school to good use and train me.
Jane: Hey, Jake's trying to forget all that, remember?
Daria: Yeah, you're right. Bad choice in choosing someone to learn
fighting skills from.
Jane: Daria, you'll be able to take care of yourself against her; you
always have, and you always will. Besides, if you did die, it would
probably break Trent's heart.
Daria: In that case, you'll get the boots. (8)
Jane: Throw in the jacket, T-shirt and skirt, as well as your cut from
your Aunt Amy's inheritance from your Great-Aunt Eleanore, and you've got
yourself a deal! (9) (Smirks evilly yet again!)
Daria: Don't push it, Jane.
Jane: Just thought I'd ask.
Daria: Speaking of which, Mom said she thinks Amy may be over here for a
visit soon. She's waiting for a phone call from her.
Jane: I remember meeting her at Lawndale Days. (10) Anyway, what
exactly does she do anyway?
Daria: She writes a political column for an alternative women's
magazine called "Women's Real Issues"; she also makes occasional
appearances on the PBS program "To The Contrary". (11)
Jane: I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, does it?
Daria: I certainly don't get my personality from Mom, or Dad, for that
matter.
Jane: Hey, you're you. Be proud of it.
(Daria lets out her Mona Lisa smile over that.)
Daria: Jane, sometimes you are a true friend.
Jane: Hey, I manage that in-between times that I'm busting your chops.
I'm your Luna to your Sailor Moon.
Daria: Good. (Here she imitates Ren Höek from "Ren and Stimpy".) Now go
take a dump in the kitty litter box.
Jane: (Imitating Stimpy.) Sorry, Zachary and Taylor keep using that all
the time. (12) (Smirks evilly once more, then farts just like Stimpy!)
(Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead, acknowledging
defeat of her snappy comeback.)
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Scene 3: Sandi's room at the Griffin residence, Lawndale, 10:00 AM
Saturday. Background music: the opening, ominous-sounding notes of
"Release Yo' Delf" (Prodigy Mix) by Method Man.
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(All the members of the Fashion Club are here: Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and
Tiffany. Stacy is sitting in a chair in the far end of the room, while
Sandi is sitting at a card table, with Quinn to her right and Tiffany at
her left. Sandi picks up a borrowed hammer and bangs it like a gavel.)
Sandi: Like, the Fashion Club will now come to order as a court of
inquiry. We are constituted as a court of inquiry in order to determine
whether or not Stacy Nibblet (13) has committed actions that could be
construed as conduct unbecoming a member of this club, which could result
in her expulsion from this club. Tiffany, as our acting secretary, please
read the charges against Stacy:
Tiffany: (Standing up.) Tiffany, the following charges are pending
against you: (1) In that recently, you showed up at the County Museum of
Modern Art (COMMA) wearing nothing but a trenchcoat, after which, you
proceeded to take it off and exposed yourself during a protest by the
Lawndale Taxpayers' Association against Jane Lane's painting entitled
"Naked Innocence", which had depicted Daria Morgendorffer nude; and (2) In
that, during that same incident, you accused our own president of
willfully destroying that same painting the night before.
Stacy: But I heard Sandi admit that to herself when I was not too far
away from her!
Sandi: (Banging her gavel.) SILENCE, STACY! You will speak only when
spoken to during this hearing.
Tiffany: How do you plead to both charges?
Stacy: I guess pleading insanity is out of the question?
Sandi: Are you taking lessons in sarcasm from Daria, Stacy? 'Cause if
you are, it's not funny!
Quinn: (Standing up.) Sandi, I rise to a point of order.
Sandi: You're out of order, Quinn!
Quinn: No, you're out of order, Sandi! This whole trial is out of
order! (14)
Sandi: You're dangerously close to being kicked out of this club
yourself, Quinn!
Quinn: Sandi, hear me out! Stacy here's been under a lot of stress
lately. I think it's nerves and all that. Not only that, she's been
making a lot of trips to the bathroom. I think she's just been under a
lot of pressure and just needs to take it easy once in a while. We all do
crazy things when we're being pressured. I remember when Daria decided to
dress up like me when I got that "A" on that English essay; (15) I think
the pressure of trying to outdo me got to her. I'm begging for leniency
for Stacy. Let's close this whole sorry trial now and let's get on to
the Fashion Club members' business!
Sandi: (Actually taken in by Quinn's spiel.) All right, then. I guess
if Stacy's been under a lot of stress lately, that could explain a lot of
things. OK, Stacy, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time
you do anything like this, you'll be out on your ass! Case dismissed!
(She bangs the gavel.) We'll take a recess for half an hour for lunch.
(Bangs gavel again. The other members head downstairs.) What I need to
do is to get another member in the Fashion Club; someone who will help me
get rid of Quinn and Stacy once and for all time. (She laughs evilly at
this.)
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Scene 4: The magazine section of Lawndale Public Library, 11:15 AM
Saturday. Background music: The opening bars of "Superstar" by The
Carpenters.
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(Stacy is seen reading back issues of "Waif" magazine. Daria and Jane
approach her.)
Daria: Hey, Stacy.
(Stacy sees them, and goes into panic mode; she closes the magazine she
was reading and tries to hide it.)
Stacy: Uh, hi, Daria, Jane.
Jane: We know you were reading that magazine, so don't hide it.
Daria: Stacy, it's OK. We understand.
Stacy: Well, guys, since you like me now and all that, I wanted to try
and change my image. (16)
Daria: Stacy, you don't have to dress up like Jane or me; just be a bit
more open about yourself and be a bit more tolerant of people who are
different from you.
Stacy: Is that all it takes?
Jane: Yep.
Stacy: Well, I was thinking of getting something like your boots, Daria.
Daria: (In her usual deadpan manner.) Eek, the same boots.
Jane: Yeah, Daria, why do women get so hung up about wearing the same
dress anyway?
Daria: Ask that to all the waitresses in the world.
Jane: Besides, I think Baz Luhrman had something to say about those
magazines in his song "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen".
Stacy: What's that?
Jane: "Do not read beauty magazines; they'll only make you feel ugly."
Stacy: You know, you're right. After I read an issue of Waif I do feel
pretty ugly. All those girls look so perfect.
Daria: Stacy, you should know most of those pictures are computer
enhanced. They probably look a lot uglier in real life.
(Stacy actually get a chuckle out of this. Daria does that Mona Lisa
smile while Jane smirks evilly.)
Jane: By George, I think she's got it.
Daria: (Singing in the same monotone she did in "Daria!: The Musical".)
The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.
(Stacy now guffaws over that.)
Jane: Or perhaps, Dr. Frankenstein, you have created a new monster.
Daria: Don't forget it was a woman who wrote that story originally.
Jane: I wonder if Jason would have behaved differently if a woman
created him.
Daria: Not if it was me.
Stacy: Daria, Jane, you two are so funny.
Daria: There's a lot about us you don't know about; it's just you and the
other members of the Fashion Club don't bother to ask.
Stacy: Speaking of which, next Saturday is going to be the Tri-Counties
Fashion Clubs Showdown in Leeville. Care to come?
Daria: I don't have fond feelings for Leeville, I'm afraid. (17)
Jane: I've never been there myself; what's it like?
Daria: It's the eighth circle of Hell, just below New Jersey and above
Lawndale. (18)
Jane: In other words, just make sure your super nail gun is loaded up and
ready so you can blast all those ogres and death knights. (19)
Daria: Exactly.
Stacy: Just thought I'd ask. It's not really necessary. Ms. Li was
going to make everyone attend it, but Sandi told her it would defeat the
purpose if the geeks were made to go to it.
Daria: I think it was more that recent decision made against her when Ted
DeWitt-Clinton's parents filed suit against her. (20)
Stacy: Oh. (Noticing the time.) Well, I'd better go. Lunch time.
After that, I'm supposed to be meeting the rest of the Fashion Club at
Cranberry Commons so we can pick out some killer outfits for the showdown.
See you, guys! (She gets up and goes.)
Jane: I don't know about you, but have you noticed that Stacy looks a bit
haggard to you?
Daria: What do you mean?
Jane: Her skin looks a bit dry; not only that, she seems to have calluses
on the back of her fingers.
Daria: Meaning what?
Jane: I think she may be doing her own rendition of the "vomitorium
sketch" from "Hysteria!" that I saw the other day when I was bored with
homework.
Daria: You think Stacy's bulimic?
Jane: I wouldn't put it past any of those Fashion Club members if they
all were, including Quinn.
Daria: Jane, I don't think Quinn's bulimic. Do you?
Jane: Well. . .
Daria: Jane, sometimes you are so sick.
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Scene 5: The Lawndale area Burger World (21), somewhere in-between the
Car Dealership Strip and the Multimovieplex, (22) 12:10 AM Saturday.
Background music: The opening bars of "Sheep Go To Heaven" by Cake.
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(We see Stacy with several cheeseburgers, a large diet soda and fires.
She scarfs them down. She then gets up, goes to the ladies' room, gets
out another bottle of syrup of ipecac, takes a couple of tablespoons,
then throws up.)
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Scene 6: Jane's room at the Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale,
6:30 PM Saturday. Background music: The opening bars of "Ticket to Ride"
by The Carpenters.
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(It's Daria's weekly sleep-over at Jane's. [23] Daria has rolled out the
sleeping bag Jane keeps handy for her; on top of that are Daria's usual
bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts.)
Jane: It's not time to pack it in yet, Daria.
Daria: I know; I just want to be all set for when I do.
Jane: Say, about "Bad Movie Night" tomorrow. . . (24)
Daria: Yeah?
Jane: Why not see that film "Titanic"? Trent has a copy of it. (25)
Daria: I guess once you get over seeing Kate Winslet nude, seeing all
those people drowning is all right. (Jane snickers sinisterly over that
remark.) Just to be serious, Jane, I am really getting worried for Stacy.
She didn't look too good when we saw her at the library. Maybe you were
right earlier.
Jane: Hey, I grew up here; by now I know everyone's nuances. By the way,
I meant to ask, were you born in Highland or someplace else? You
certainly don't wear that Texas twang. (26)
Daria: To tell the truth, I was born in Stony Brook, New York. (27)
Jane: So, how'd you wind up in Highland?
Daria: My mother got an offer from a law firm there.
Jane: Sounds vaguely familiar. Then how did you wind up meeting Beavis
and Butt-Head?
Daria: I'd rather save that for another time, if you don't mind. (28)
Jane: OK.
Daria: What if you're right, Jane, and Stacy's bulimic?
Jane: You know, in the past, we might have said something like "Fine,
she's bulimic; let her waste away"; but now I realized that since she's
made such overtures to us to become friends with us, that would be cruel.
Are we losing our edge here, Daria?
Daria: In that case, we should hit the whetstone.
(The phone rings. Jane gets it.)
Jane: Yo! (Pause.) OK, hold on. It's for you, Daria, it's Helen.
(Daria takes the phone.)
Daria: Hi, Mom.
(Split screen to show Helen on the left and Daria on the right.)
Helen: Daria, I just got a phone call from your Aunt Amy. She's going to
be here tomorrow at about 11:30 AM. She'll be here for a week.
Daria: I certainly don't want to miss that.
Helen: Take you time getting back, Daria; she's taking the early flight
from Los Angeles.
Daria: You'd think I'd want to miss her?
Helen: She'll want to get some rest before she settles down.
Daria: I'll be back home in the afternoon for dinner. If worse comes to
worse, I'll have to scuttle "Bad Movie Night" with Jane.
Helen: Do what you have to do, Daria. See you sometime tomorrow, then.
Bye! (She hangs up.)
Daria: (Hanging the phone up at her end.) Jane, Amy's going to be here
tomorrow.
Jane: Hey, if you have to scrub "Bad Movie Night", I understand. I know
you and Amy have such a special bond for each other.
Daria: Us "Misery Chicks" have to stick together.
(Trent walks past the room, whose door is open. Trent knocks.)
Trent: I'm not interrupting anything important, am I, ladies?
Jane: Nah, just our usual plotting to overthrow the world order and
establish anarchy.
Trent: Cool. (He now enters the room.) Daria, Janey, there's something
I've got to talk to you about.
Daria: What about?
Trent: I was driving by near the Car Dealership Strip and I saw that
Stacy girl Daria's sister knows in her car. We'd stopped for a light at
the Seven Corners, and I noticed she was sickly pale, like she wasn't
feeling too good. Hasn't Quinn mentioned anything about this to you at
all, Daria?
Daria: Quinn rarely tells me anything about what the Fashion Club is
doing. For her, it was just a big step in acknowledging to those airheads
that I'm her sister. Then again, perhaps with time, she'll change. . .
when the next Ice Age hits in ten thousand years or so.
(Trent chuckles over that remark.)
Trent: Daria, you are so cool.
Daria: By the way, Trent, why do you keep calling Quinn "Daria's sister"
anyway?
Trent: Well, I was never good with names; just like that English teacher
I had at high school; I can't seem to remember his name: O'Toole?
Daria: O'Neill.
Trent: Whatever. At least I know you and Janey.
Daria: Why does he keep calling you that, Jane?
Jane: Well, when I first began to talk, I mispronounced my own name.
I said "Jaaa-neeey!" It kind of caught on with Trent.
(Trent chuckles, then smiles that sleepy smile of his. Daria kind of
melts seeing that smile of his, kind of like she did in "Pierce Me".)
Trent: You girls have a nice time with your sleep-over. (Sees Daria's
bedclothes on the sleeping bag.) Glad to see you remembered to bring your
own sleepwear this time, Daria. (29)
Daria: Night, Trent. (She goes up to him and kisses him on the forehead.
Trent kisses her on the cheek, and Daria blushes as a result. Jane
smirks evilly again.) Tell anyone you saw that, Jane, and I'll kill you!
Jane: Maybe if you bribe me with some of your Montana Cabin Fund money,
I will. (30)
(Daria picks up a pillow from Jane's bed and flings it at her.)
Daria: Not on your life, Lane!
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Scene 7: Lawndale International Airport, about 10:35 AM Sunday.
Background music: The opening guitar and organ riffs from "Sunday
Morning" by No Doubt.
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(We see two people arrive at the airport. One of them is easily
recognized as Amy Barksdale, Daria and Quinn's aunt from "I Don't". She's
seen here wearing clothes similar to that worn by the future Daria in the
fantasy sequence toward the end of "Write Where It Hurts": a blue
sweater, a pendant hanging from her neck, a black knee-length skirt and
black Doc Martins boots. Next to her is Pastor Daniel Collier, a man with
balding black hair and black beard, wearing a Lutheran pastor's outfit.
They seem to be having a lively conversation.)
Collier: So, Amy, you're Lutheran yourself?
Amy: I converted after I graduated from Columbia University. I was
Catholic originally. My sister Helen converted to Judaism when she
married Jake Morgendorffer. Have you been reading some of my columns?
Not only are they printed in "Real Women's Issues", but they're syndicated
as well. I also appear on "To The Contrary" on PBS.
Collier: As for me, I just accepted a call from the Lutheran church here,
St. Luke's. I'm supposed to be installed this afternoon.
Amy: Good luck, Pastor. I know you have your work cut out for you here.
Lawndale is the type of town that seems to have IQ limits. (31) (Pastor
Collier chuckles over that.) Anyway, did I tell you about my boyfriend,
the retired LAPD cop? (32)
Collier: No, you haven't.
Amy: We're seriously thinking of getting married. He retired five years
ago as a Lieutenant. He had a distinguished career with them. However,
the riots after the Rodney King trial, the 1994 earthquake and the O. J.
Simpson mess just burned him out. He said the LAPD he knew no longer
existed. He wants to have some real changes in society, just like me.
Changes where everyone can get their fair share of life. You know, you
and I are alike. We just use different means of achieving the same goal.
You concentrate on the spiritual side of the equation while I focus on
the material side. That's one of the reasons why I'm here in town. I
want to tell my favorite niece in the world about my upcoming marriage.
(Looks at her watch.) Well, I'd better hop a cab. Nice to meet you,
Pastor Collier.
Collier: It was nice meeting you, Ms. Barksdale. Remember, you're always
welcome at St. Luke's.
Amy: I'll keep that in mind. Take care.
(They now part.)
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Scene 8: The hallway at Lawndale High School, 7:30 AM Monday.
Background music: The opening bars of "Santa Barbara" by Everclear.
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(Some girls are gathered out in the hallway. Some are recognizable as the
girls seen in the background of Brittany's party from "The Invitation" and
one looks like the cheerleader who slapped Upchuck in Daria's
photojournalistic essay in "The Daria Database". Sandi and the other
Fashion Club members now arrive.)
Sandi: Like, what is going on here?
Other Cheerleader Girl: Haven't you heard? Candy Kaine has arrived here
in Lawndale; she's going to be starting school here today.
Tiffany: Isn't she like the one who plays Karen Isaiah in "LaFrance
Prep", that popular teen soap opera?
Stacy: Oh, I just love that show! I know the theme song by heart! "I
hate to get up/But I know I must wake up/And go to LaFrance Prep!/I might
make a friend there. . ."
Sandi: Like, Stacy, don't drop out of school to pursue a singing career.
(Stacy stops singing.)
Tiffany: Look, here she comes.
(We now have our first look at Candy Kaine. She's this statuesque young
lady with long blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts, long legs, and is
wearing a pink blouse, pink miniskirt and pink high heel shoes. Sandi
gets choked up a bit and approaches her.)
Sandi: Candy Kaine, it's an honor to have you here at Lawndale High.
Candy: And you are. . .
Sandi: (Obviously nervous here, like she doesn't say her full name every
day) Sandra Elaine Griffin, (33) but everyone calls me Sandi.
Candy: Nice to meet you, Sandi. (They shake hands.)
(Unbeknownst to anyone, Daria and Jane approach and stand at the edge of
the crowd. Brittany just happens to be there at the edge of the crowd
herself.)
Daria: Brittany, what's going on here?
Brittany: (Twirling her hair around her finger as she turns around and
almost broadsides Daria with her huge breasts.) MMMM, well, there's this
cute actress who appears on this teen show and she just enrolled here at
Lawndale High.
Daria: Do you mind pointing those things somewhere else? (34)
Brittany: Eep! Sorry! (She moves her breasts away from Daria.)
Jane: Let's face it, Daria, she's got breasts big enough to provide shade
for a small child. (35)
Brittany: Sandi's actually ingratiating herself to this girl!
Daria: This I've got to see.
Jane: I guess it's like an auto accident; you can't pry your eyes away
from it.
(They get closer now.)
Sandi: Like, I watch "LaFrance" Prep religiously.
Daria: Uh-oh! That breaks the commandment against graven images there!
Jane: I think I saw her at High Hills Park worshipping an idol of her. I
wonder if any of the Satan worshippers noticed? (36)
Daria: If they did, they'd rip her heart out and offered it to Satan.
Jane: Nah, probably too small to appease him. I bet it's even smaller
than the Grinch's! (37)
Daria: Touché!
(Fast cut back to Candy and Sandi.)
Sandi: Candy, it would be an honor if you were a member of the Fashion
Club. We don't normally offer membership right off the bat like this, but
you're very famous and all that.
Candy: I accept. (They shake hands again.)
Sandi: OK, let me introduce you to everyone, then. (Pan left to right
from Quinn.) That's Quinn Morgendorffer, our Vice-President. Tiffany Woo
here is our Coordinating Officer (38) and Stacy Nibblet is our Secretary.
Tiffany: You know, we've never formally named anyone to be our Treasurer.
Maybe Candy can be named to the post.
Candy: I'll take it.
Sandi: Done. Meet us at the cafeteria during lunch because we're going
to be formulating plans for the upcoming "Tri-Counties Fashion Clubs
Showdown".
Candy: Sure.
Sandi: Care to join us? I think we've got the same homeroom. (They now
proceed to walk. Candy sees Daria, Jane and Brittany.)
Candy: Who are those three?
Quinn: Well, that's my cou--
Sandi: Quinn!
Quinn: Uh, sister, Daria; next to her is her friend Jane Lane. Next to
them is head cheerleader Brittany Taylor.
(They now leave.)
Daria: It took her a couple of years, but Quinn's now acknowledged a
complete stranger that I'm her sister.
Jane: Did she really think she was going to get away with the old "She's
my cousin" line with Sandi and the others around her?
Daria: Not if she wanted to get kicked off the Fashion Club.
Jane: Thank God for small victories.
Daria: I think I'd better savor the moment while it lasts. Mainly,
before our first class. (They now proceed to go to their homeroom.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 9: Lawndale High School Cafeteria, 11:30 AM Monday. Background
music: The opening guitar and synthesizer riffs from "Lotus" by REM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The members of the Fashion Club are discussing plans for the Tri-Counties
Fashion Clubs Showdown. Sandi's going over some issues of Waif magazine
and pointing out to some possible ideas. Everyone's eating salads and
drinking diet sodas.)
Sandi: (Pointing to one possible idea.) I think this outfit would be
great for the preliminary round.
Candy: Well, actually, I can think of something better than that.
Sandi: You do?
Candy: Well, I was talking to Quinn here, and she thinks if she showed up
wearing her smiley-face T-shirt and a red miniskirt, that would clinch
it. (39)
Sandi: You haven't been doing things behind my back, have you, Quinn?
Quinn: (Rather defensively.) Uh, well, no, I wouldn't, Quinn! I would
never do anything behind your back.
Candy: Sandi, don't you know that one of the most effective leadership
traits is being able to listen to suggestions from your colleagues?
Sandi: Listen, Candy, what I say goes here. Or maybe perhaps Quinn would
like to become President herself? Or perhaps even Daria?
Quinn: Sandi, I hate to say this, but you're getting paranoid on us.
Sandi: (Now really losing it here.) Quinn Morgendorffer, I am not
getting paranoid! (Her yelling has everyone turned around and looking at
her.)
Tiffany: Uh, Sandi, calm down!
(Anthony DeMartino, the social studies teacher, who's on cafeteria
monitoring duty this period, goes up to Sandi.)
DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) Sandi, I don't want to
interRUPT YOU, but would you PLEASE keep World War THREE down to a DULL
ROAR!
Sandi: Like, chill out, Mr. D! You really need to switch to
decaffeinated coffee! (40)
DeMartino: (Screaming at the top of his lungs and ripping his hair out.)
You! Detention! Now!
Sandi: (Getting up and grumbling.) Run the rest of the meeting for me,
Quinn! (She leaves with DeMartino behind her.)
Stacy: Would you excuse me? I've got to go to the bathroom. (She gets
up and goes.)
Quinn: What is with everyone these days?
Tiffany: I'm not sure myself, Quinn.
(Cut to the ladies' room, where we see Stacy stick her fingers down her
throat as she once again throws up.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 10: The Morgendorffers' living room, 5:15 PM Monday. Background
music: The opening bars of "Friendship is for Keeps" (41) by The
Carpenters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria and Amy are sitting on the couch, while Quinn is sitting at a
nearby seat. Daria and Amy are watching "Sick, Sad World". The screen is
showing Adolf Hitler in a wheelchair.)
SSW Announcer: Did Hitler fake his own suicide? Is he now living at a
rest home in Arkansas? We'll have this shocking story coming up next on
"Sick, Sad World"!
Quinn: How can you two stand to watch this crap? It's so revolting!
Daria: If you don't like it Quinn, you can always leave the room.
Quinn: FINE! I'll do just that! (She gets up and goes to the kitchen.)
Amy: I guess she can't stand it.
Daria: Remember when we saw the very first Sick, Sad World twelve years
ago? (42)
Amy: Vividly.
Daria: Amy, I've got to talk to you about something.
Amy: Shoot.
Daria: What if I was to tell you that I'm actually worried for one of the
members of the Fashion Club?
Amy: You must be losing it; usually you wouldn't give any of them the
time of day.
Daria: Maybe, but this is serious. A couple of weeks ago, one of them--
she's called Stacy--decided to take my side in that dispute with the
Lawndale Taxpayers' Association over COMMA's displaying Jane's nude
painting of me. She said she did that because she realized I wasn't so
bad after all when I listened to her at the medieval fair after she got
dumped by her date and when she was helping Trent and me after the
accident at the Seven Corners. Stacy's now become more or less a friend
of Jane and me. However, Jane and I have been noticing that she looks a
bit pale and dried out. We think she may be bulimic.
Amy: Have you noticed any of the classic symptoms of bulimia? Have you
noticed any signs of fatigue, mood swings, and anxiety?
Daria: Stacy was always a basket case.
Amy: Has she complained of abdominal discomfort or constipation? Are her
periods getting irregular?
Daria: Hard to tell, but from what I've overheard at the cafeteria from
Quinn, Sandi and Tiffany, she's been making a lot of trips to the
bathroom.
Amy: Doe she have dry skin and/or calluses on the back of her fingers?
Daria: That I did notice.
Amy: Have you noticed any enamel erosion on her teeth?
Daria: Not that I've noticed.
Amy: You and Jane better keep a close eye on her. She may be bulimic.
(Quinn now re-enters.)
Quinn: Guys, it's time for dinner. (Daria and Amy get up.) By the way,
Aunt Amy, there's this new girl in school and already I've become close
friends with her.
Amy: Really.
Quinn: Her name's Candy Kaine. We've already named her the Treasurer of
the Fashion Club.
Daria: And you just met her?
Quinn: Daria, Candy's the one who plays Karen on "LaFrance Prep".
Daria: Oh, that one. The one who happens to be the girlfriend to that
fedora-wearing jerk, Jimmy Neiamiah.
Quinn: Jimmy's not a jerk; he's got dyslexia.
Daria: Oh, I'm sorry; I guess he's just misunderstood.
Amy: Just like you and me, Daria.
(Quinn rolls her eyes.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 11: Stacy's bathroom, 7:45 PM Monday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stacy is weighing herself again. She looks at the scale and shakes her
head. She now goes to the toilet, sticks her fingers down her throat, and
throws up.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 12: The hallway at Lawndale High, 9:55 AM Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The Fashion Club is going down the hallway. Sandi's leading, with Quinn,
Stacy, Tiffany, and Candy behind her, in that order.)
Quinn: Sandi, there's something I want to talk to you about.
Sandi: Sure, Quinn; what is it?
Quinn: Well, we've all been talking, and we think you're really taking
this business about Daria way too seriously. Daria is not a threat to
you.
Sandi: (Getting defensive.) Quinn, you should be able to handle her, no
matter what the exact relationship with her is.
Quinn: (Now confessing this.) Well, I did admit she was my sister, but I
didn't tell you what kind of a sister. I guess I misled you when I said
she was adopted. She's actually my biological sister. Those birth
certificates Brian Taylor found for you should have confirmed that. (43)
Sandi: You know what, I don't give a damn anymore. I don't care if she's
your biological sister, your stepsister, your cousin or whatever. Daria
is a threat to me. She's going to knock me off the popularity perch, and
I can't afford that.
Candy: Quinn's right, Sandi; you are reading way too much into this.
Sandi: Are you now playing Devil's advocate for Quinn like Stacy does,
Candy? You'd better watch it, because you may be famous and all that, but
I still call the shots here in the Fashion Club.
Tiffany: That may be true, but you're manufacturing a threat that
doesn't exist. Maybe you should see Dr. Manson about this.
Sandi: And maybe you should go see Niles Crane, Tiffany! You may catch
him at Bethesda Episcopal Church over in Saratoga Springs, New York! (44)
Tiffany: You're way out of line with your sarcasm there, Sandi.
Sandi: (Getting rather icy now.) If you don't like it, Tiffany Woo, you
can always tender your resignation.
Stacy: (Getting nervous.) Uh, guys, I gotta go to the ladies' room
again.
Sandi: (Snapping again.) You spend more time in there than with us!
(Stacy is stunned. She breaks down and cries as she leaves.)
Quinn: Sandi, that was uncalled for!
Sandi: And what are you going to do about it, Quinn, launch a coup
d'état?
(We now see Stacy kneel in front of a toilet, and stick her fingers down
her throat. She throws up again. However, Daria has walked into this,
and a look of shock registers on her face.)
Daria: Oh, my God! Our suspicions about Stacy were right! She is
bulimic!
(The guitar solo and "La, la, LA, la, la!" that ended every segment from
every episode of the first season of "Daria" can be heard as we see a
wide-screen shot of Stacy eating several cheeseburgers at Burger World in
a purple tint and in slow-motion with the "Daria" logo superimposed over
it.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(A man bangs a gong with the phrase "A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise" written
on it. Suddenly, martial artist appear and karate chop each other to the
tune of "Kung Fu Fighting".)
Announcer: This week on "Karate Chop Theater", it "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles vs. Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers II"! When Shredder and Krang
join forces with Rita Repulsa and Lord Zed in order to take over New York
City, our heroes in a half shell suspect that the Power Rangers are in
cahoots with the villains!
(The Turtles are seen confronting the Power Rangers at Times Square.)
Leonardo: OK, you Power Rangers, we're gonna kick your tails again!
Red Ranger (45): Oh, yeah, you stupid turtles? We'll show you who's king
of the hill here!
Raphael: Hey, wait a minute! "King of the Hill" is another Fox show!
Don't plug other people's shows here!
Yellow Ranger: Let's rock!
(Fighting breaks out, with the usual "AIIIEEEYAHHHH!" noises. Shredder,
Krang, Rita and Zed watch from a distance.)
Shredder: Now with the Turtles and the Power Rangers out of the way, I
will conquer New York City!
Rita: But what if you fail miserably like you usually do?
Shredder: Well, I could always settle for being Nassau County Executive.
(The Blue Ranger slices open a tanker truck full of oil.)
Blue Ranger: You have to wake up very oily in the morning to get the jump
on us Power Rangers! (The Turtles fall down. The Blue Ranger now turns
to the audience.) Why should they have all the bad puns? (46)
Announcer: Featuring a special appearance by Usagi Yojimbo, (47) this is
one not to miss! Catch "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. Mighty Morphin'
Power Rangers II", this week on "Karate Chop Theater"! Saturdays at
10:30 AM only on this station!
(Another commercial. We see a sight that should be familiar to readers of
Mark Zero Fan Fiction by now. We see Brad Schlitz, the leader of the
Upstate Nazi Party, dressed in an SS uniform and sitting behind a desk
with the Nazi flag behind him.)
Schlitz: DUH! I am Der Führer Brad Schlitz, leader of the Upstate Nazi
Party! I think all my tax money goes to New York City! I think all
Family Court judges are biased! They saddle the father with hefty alimony
and child support payments that they cannot meet so that their bitchy
ex-spouses and their paramours can live high on the hog! Then they
withhold visitation rights to their kids! This is all a Commie plot to
funnel my tax money to New York City! HEIL ME! (He stands up and gives
the Nazi salute.) To end this abuse, I have named--er--chosen my
candidate for Washington County Family Court Judge: Bob Bumbler.
(Pan to the right to show Bumbler.)
Bumbler: If I'm elected, the woman will once again have the burden of
proof as to why she wants a divorce, and the man will get custody of the
kids, regardless of whether he abuses them or not. I'll also give
pitiable alimony and child support awards to the bitches; if they don't
like it, then they can get a job. They're not gonna go on welfare and
take more of my money! And the woman will get no visitation rights if she
marries her paramour! All power to the fathers!
Schlitz: So, on November 2, vote for Bob Bumbler for Washington County
Family Court Judge, OR ELSE! (He stands up and gives the Nazi salute.)
HEIL ME!
Bumbler: ZEIG HEIL!
Announcer: Paid for by the Upstate Nazi Party, a/k/a the Upstate
Taxpayers' Coalition, a/k/a the I, Brad Schlitz Rubber Stamp Politburo and
Reichstag, a/k/a Angry White Males for a Right-Wing Dictatorship.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT II, METS 0
(God, I HATE the Mets! My stepbrother keeps rubbing it in on me all the
time about them! Yankees rule! Mets suck!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1: The ladies' room at Lawndale High School, 10:00 AM Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We return to the scene just as we left it, with Daria having just seen
Stacy throw up. Stacy now turns around and sees Daria.)
Stacy: Oh! Daria! I didn't knew you were here!
Daria: Stacy, are you all right?
Stacy: (Perhaps too quickly.) Uh, yeah, I'm all right. I just ate
something that didn't agree with me, that's all.
Daria: Stacy, don't lie to me. You threw up on purpose.
Stacy: No, I didn't, Daria!
Daria: Stacy, if you're bulimic, you should be seeking help for this.
Stacy: Daria, I'm not bulimic! Really, I'm not!
Daria: Stacy, bulimia can kill you. Are you having problems with your
weight?
Stacy: Daria, I just need to be thin enough so I can help the Fashion
Club win the upcoming Tri-Counties Fashion Clubs Showdown this Saturday.
I'll stop after the contest, I swear!
Daria: The only way you're going to stop is if someone makes you, and I'm
afraid that I'm going to have to be that person.
Stacy: Daria, I thought you were willing to be my friend now.
Daria: Stacy, think of it as my way of repaying you for when you helped
Trent and me after the accident and when you stood up against the Lawndale
Taxpayers' Association when they protested that nude painting of me Jane
made that was being displayed at COMMA. You really need help. (She
offers her hand.) Please, let's go to Nurse Chase and have you checked
out.
Stacy: (Now in a panic.) DARIA, I'M ALL RIGHT! (She storms out of the
bathroom.)
(Daria now notices the empty bottle of syrup of ipecac. She takes it and
pockets it. She calmly exits the bathroom, where Jane is waiting for
her.)
Jane: So, had a run-in with Stacy, I see.
Daria: Jane, this is serious. I caught her throwing up, and she left
this empty bottle of syrup of ipecac behind. (She takes it out of her
pocket and shows it to Jane.)
Jane: Man, this stuff can kill you after a while; that's what happened to
Karen Carpenter. She had anorexia nervosa and was inducing vomiting with
this stuff. After a while, it does irreversible damage to your heart and
it eventually kills you.
Daria: We've got to tell someone about this.
Jane: Yeah, but who'd believe us? Ms. Li would think we were trying to
do in the Fashion Club because of our previous run-ins with them; Nurse
Chase doesn't like people who snitch other people's personal health
problems to her, and the Fashion Club probably tolerates something like
this.
Daria: That would be depraved if they did that.
Jane: Well, if you feel like talking to someone, what about Amy?
Daria: Only if you're along as a witness.
Jane: Only if I bring Trent along with me. (Smirks evilly.)
Daria: God, I hate you at times.
Jane: I aim to please.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: The Pharm-Rite Pharmacy, Main Street, Lawndale, 3:45 PM Tuesday.
Background music: "Rainy Days and Monday" from The Carpenters plays
through the pharmacy's PA system.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Open with a shot of the exterior, where we notice that the "P" in
"PHARMACY" is missing, so that the sign says "HARMACY" (48). Cut to
the
interior, where we see Stacy go to the prescriptions counter. She sees a
female pharmacist with brown hair and blue eyes wearing a white coat.)
Stacy: Excuse me, I need a bottle of syrup of ipecac.
Pharmacist: OK. (She goes to the shelf and grabs a bottle. She gives it
to Stacy.) That'll be $2.50, please.
(Stacy gives her the money.)
Stacy: Thanks.
Pharmacist: Certainly. And thanks for shopping here at Pharm-Rite!
(Stacy walks away.)
Stacy: (To herself.) Thank God there's about seven pharmacies here in
Lawndale; no one's suspecting that I'm buying a lot of this stuff! (49)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: The Morgendorffer's living room, 7:45 PM Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria is sitting with Amy on the couch; Jane and Trent are sitting at
nearby chairs. Once again, the TV's tuned in to "Sick, Sad World". The
screen shows Russian President Boris Yeltsin's face, which now falls away
to show circuitry.)
SSW Announcer: Is Boris Yeltsin really dead? Has he been replaced with a
robotic look-alike? We'll tell you all about it, coming up next, here on
"Sick, Sad World"!
Amy: So, you finally confronted Stacy about her condition?
Daria: It didn't go too well, I'm afraid.
Amy: It is to be expected. Bulimics are quick to deny they have the
condition.
Trent: I saw her the other day myself, Amy, and she wasn't looking too
good. That girl needs help big time.
Jane: We shouldn't just be sitting here talking about it; we've got to do
something!
Daria: But what?
Amy: Daria, I'm going to tell you something I haven't told anyone else in
this family for years. Your Aunt Rita was once bulimic.
Daria: She was?
Amy: Yes, she was, Daria. It started when she was going to college.
Then she started her modeling career, and it just got worse. She would
have killed herself if I didn't intervene in the whole matter. Rita
needed a couple of years of counseling to get herself back on track.
Daria: She should have gotten a brain transplant at the same time; it
could have done wonders for her.
Amy: Daria, there's also something else I want to talk to you about.
You're the only person I can tell this to right now; the rest of the
family would have a heart attack if they heard this.
Daria: What?
Amy: Daria, I'm planning to get engaged to someone special in my life.
(Jane smirks evilly at Daria and Trent.)
Daria: Don't get any ideas in that head of yours, Jane.
Trent: Huh?
Daria: I think your sister is trying to be the one who's trying to get us
hitched, Trent.
(Amy laughs over that.)
Amy: He's really a nice guy. He retired from the LAPD a few years back.
Daria: You always did run with the dangerous crowd.
Jane: A cop, eh? Daria always said you were different.
Amy: He might be making a visit in a couple of days.
Daria: Have Mom and Dad been informed about this?
Amy: Not yet. I want it to be a surprise.
Daria: Our lips are sealed, right, Jane, Trent?
(Jane smirks, while we see that Trent has fallen asleep.)
Amy: Does he always do that?
Jane: I'm afraid so.
Amy: I guess after Sick, Sad World is over, we'll drive him back.
Daria: Aw, geeze, Trent, always falling asleep on me. (She goes up to
him and kisses him on the forehead. Jane smirks evilly, which Daria
responds with a fierce glare. Amy does that Mona Lisa smile herself.)
Amy: You really do love that guy, don't you, Daria?
Daria: Yeah. It could have been different, though.
Amy: How so?
Daria: Beavis and Butt-Head could have scored with me back in Highland.
(Jane does a perfect Beavis "HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" Amy joins in with a
Butt-Head "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" Daria closes her eyes and puts her
hand to her forehead.)
Daria: Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea,
cha-cha-cha!
(Trent just snores through this.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: Stacy's bathroom, 9:37 PM Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stacy is on the scale again. She just shakes her head as she looks at
her weight. She now takes another dose of syrup of ipecac and throws up.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5: Lawndale High School cafeteria, 11:15 AM Wednesday.
Background music: The opening drum and organ part from "Oh, How To Do
Now" by The Monks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The members of the Fashion Club are gathered around the table. Sandi,
Quinn, Tiffany and Candy are all facing Stacy.)
Sandi: Anyway, I have called this emergency meeting of the Fashion Club
because I think Stacy here has not been acting like her usual self.
Stacy: What do you mean?
Sandi: It's no secret, Stacy; you've been making a lot of trips to the
bathroom recently, and you don't look so good.
Stacy: I'm all right; really I am.
Quinn: Stacy, I'm afraid I have to agree with Sandi. You don't look too
good.
Tiffany: Yeah, you look emaciated.
Candy: It's almost as though you're anorexic or bulimic.
Stacy: I am not anorexic or bulimic, guys!
Quinn: Stacy, we're only looking out for you, right, guys?
Sandi: Stacy, we need to be at 100% efficiency for the Showdown on
Saturday. That means you, too.
Stacy: You're really making a big deal out of all this. It's nothing.
(She begins to hyperventilate.)
Quinn: Stacy, are you OK?
Stacy: (Losing it. ) I AM NOT OK! (She runs off.)
Sandi: We definitely have a crisis here.
Quinn: Maybe we should withdraw from the Showdown; Stacy here is vital
to our success.
Sandi: We will not drop out of the Showdown, Quinn. Try to overrule me
again and you will find yourself out of the Fashion Club.
Candy: I'd better check on Stacy, guys. (She gets up and goes.)
Tiffany: What is going on here these days?
Sandi: Good question, Tiffany; good question.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6: The Lawndale High School hallway, 11:25 AM Wednesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria and Jane are heading down the hallway. They see Candy approaching
from the opposite direction.)
Daria: Uh, oh. Incoming.
Jane: Shall we head for the bomb shelters?
Daria: Yeah; meanwhile, I'll grab Grandpa Barksdale's Civil Defense
helmet and yell at everyone to "Turn off that light!"
Candy: Hi, you must be Daria and Jane, right?
Daria: No; we're actually their evil dopplegangers from an alternate
universe thatwas once chronicled by Uatu the Watcher in the
"What If. . . ?" comic book series.
(Candy actually laughs over this.)
Jane: I don't think she bought it, Daria.
Candy: Hey, that was a good one, Daria.
Daria: You actually thought that was funny?
Candy: Hey, I've heard from some people that you have a sharp wit. I
kind of like it.
Daria: Uh, Candy, didn't Sandi tell you that we're supposed to be the
Fashion Club's mortal enemies?
Candy: For God's sake, Daria, all because I'm part of the Fashion Club
doesn't mean I shouldn't like those who aren't part of it. You know,
being on the set of "LaFrance Prep" has taught me a lot of things.
Mainly, that people generally are all alike. You know, there's one
character on the show that's like you, Daria.
Daria: Really?
Candy: Her name's Delilah Morgenstern. She's played by Caitlin Nelson.
Jane: Could you possible sue her for ripping you off, Daria?
Daria: Mom only takes cases she knows she can win.
Candy: The point is, on the show, Karen used to treat Delilah like dirt,
until Delilah saves her life after she OD'd on cocaine. They're pretty
close now. We're pretty close in real life as well. The girl who plays
Delilah, Stephanie Anderson, is just a joy to work with.
Daria: I've got to write to Brittany's biological mother and ask her if
she knows her, and what type of drugs she's been taking.
Candy: Oh, no; we don't film in Hollywood.
Daria: Then where?
Candy: Up in Vancouver. All the hip shows are doing it now. (50)
Daria: Damn that NAFTA; it's even taking all our airheaded talent away
from us!
Jane: (Doing her best impression or Ross Perot.) Do you hear that
sucking sound?
(Candy laughs again. Daria and Jane just stare for a second, then laugh
themselves.)
Daria: I haven't laughed this hard ever since Mr. Buzzcut told Beavis and
Butt-Head they couldn't laugh all day in class back when I was living in
Highland! (51)
Candy: But, anyway, I digress. I wanted to know if you saw Stacy around.
Jane: Why, what happened?
Candy: Well, she got upset when we asked her if she was feeling OK.
Daria: Well, if it helps, we think she's bulimic. I saw her throwing up
yesterday.
Candy: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.
Jane: Not only that, Daria found an empty bottle of syrup of ipecac.
Candy: Oh, my God!
Daria: If you can convince her that she needs help, it would be a
miracle.
Jane: In that case, you'd better start praying to St. Jude. (52)
Daria: Jane, I'm Jewish and you're Episcopalian. It won't work.
Candy: I'm Presbyterian myself. I guess we're all out of luck.
Jane: So, it's up to us mere mortals, then.
Candy: I'll tell Sandi what I know. Thanks! (She runs off.)
Daria: That was a sublime meeting.
Jane: Maybe I relaxed too much with that herbal tea this morning. I've
got to tell Mom to cut back on that.
Daria: Right.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 7: The ladies' room at Lawndale High, 11:35 AM Wednesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We see Stacy crying as she pours out some more syrup of ipecac, a really
big dose of it. She gulps it down and immediately begins to gag. She
throws up.)
Sandi: (From behind her.) So, Stacy, it is true then?
(Stacy turns around to see the rest of the Fashion Club members.)
Stacy: Sandi, Quinn, Tiffany, Candy!
Tiffany: Candy here told us everything. She said she spoke with Daria
and Jane and they said that Daria saw you here yesterday doing the exact
same thing.
Stacy: You're lying! I just felt sick!
Quinn: Stacy, if you're having trouble with your weight, you shouldn't be
doing this! It'll kill you!
Stacy: I'm fine, guys! Really I am!
Sandi: What I just saw you do confirms that you aren't! Stacy, you don't
leave me any choice in this matter. Your membership is suspended until
you get yourself better! And that means you have to go see a doctor.
Come on; we're going to go see Dr. Manson about this.
Stacy: (Losing it again.) NO! I WON'T GO!
Sandi: Are you telling me what to do, Stacy?
Stacy: You just want to get rid of me because now I'm friends with Daria
and Jane! I won't let you do that!
Sandi: (Trying to put the best spin on this situation.) Stacy, we just
want to help. . .
(She extends a hand to Stacy. However, Stacy now bats it away, then slaps
Sandi across the face. She screams, and runs out of the ladies' room,
with the others joining her. Fast cut to the hallway, where we see Mr.
O'Neill there.)
O'Neill: Stacy, is something the matter? Stacy? Stacy! (He runs toward
her. Daria and Jane approach.)
Daria: I guess the truth's out now.
Jane: Yeah, I guess so.
(O'Neill runs back to them.)
O'Neill: Daria, Jane, help me find Stacy! She's just ran off! I don't
know what's wrong with her!
Daria: Do we need a pass for this? You know Ms. Li.
O'Neill: I'm invoking the emergency situation clause in the teacher's
manual, Daria. That states that a student doesn't need a pass to be out
of a class or school if he or she is helping a teacher in an urgent
situation. Ms. Li didn't think of revoking that little clause!
Jane: So, in other words, it'll be your ass that will be in trouble, not
ours.
O'Neill: Exactly! Come on, we've got to find Stacy!
(They run off now.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 8: The Village Green, near the statue of the bearded guy who was
once famous, but no one knows exactly why, (53) Lawndale, 1:15 PM
Wednesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stacy is sitting at the foot of the statue, crying. Daria and Jane see
her and cautiously approach her.)
Daria: (Showing some genuine concern for once.) Stacy, it's Daria.
Stacy: Just go away, Daria! No one likes me anymore! No one!
Jane: That's not true. We care for you; in our own twisted way, of
course.
Stacy: Everyone thinks you have to be perfect to be fashionable; I was
just doing what everyone else was doing.
Daria: Stacy, not everyone has an eating disorder. You really need help.
You can get counseling for this problem. But first you're going to have
to acknowledge that you have bulimia.
Stacy: (Getting hysterical again.) DARIA, I DON'T HAVE BULIMIA! WHY
CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! (She runs away, crying.)
Jane: We'd better catch up with her, Daria; if we lose her, we won't know
where she's going.
Daria: I agree. We just can't let her self-destruct like this. (O'Neill
now approaches.)
O'Neill: Daria, Jane, have you found Stacy?
Daria: We did, but then she ran off again.
O'Neill: We've got to call the police.
Daria: The police only get involved if the person's been missing for 24
hours, Mr. O'Neill.
O'Neill: What can we do, then?
Daria: I don't exactly like this, but I think we've got to get the media
involved.
O'Neill: How?
Daria: Just leave it to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 9: Lawndale International Airport, 6:00 PM Wednesday. Background
music: "Theme from Adam-12", starting with that snare drum solo we hear
when we first hear the dispatcher say "1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12", then
gradually kicks into the horn section.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We see a security guard at a metal detector. Someone passes through it,
and the alarm goes off.)
Guard: Could you please remove all metal items and try again, Sir?
(The person does so. He hands some keys and a wallet. The wallet opens,
and we see a gold LAPD detective's shield with the number 2430 etched on
it.)
Guard: You're with the LAPD?
(We now see the person he's asking this question clearly for the first
time. He's aged considerably, but it's apparent that it's now retired
Detective James A. "Jim" Reed. [54])
Reed: Was. Retired five years ago.
Guard: You must have a long career with them.
Reed: Maybe too long.
(A TV at a nearby lounge is tuned in to the "KSBC 6 O'clock News". We see
a reporter, a woman with brown hair and green eyes, wearing a blue suit,
reading the headlines.)
KSBC Reporter: We lead off this newscast tonight with an urgent appeal by
our own Vice President of Marketing, Linda Griffin. (55)
(Cut to Linda.)
Linda: Ladies and gentlemen, an anonymous caller--speaking in a monotone
voice, I might add--called me and asked me to make this urgent appeal to
Stacy Nibblet. It seems Stacy is suffering from the eating disorder known
as bulimia. Stacy was apparently confronted with this information by my
own daughter, Sandi, then ran away from Lawndale High. Stacy, if you're
watching this, please come home. Your family and friends just want to
help you. They only have your best interests in mind.
(A recent picture of Stacy is shown; she look emaciated.)
Reed: Good God! She doesn't look good at all!
Guard: Heaven help her!
Reed: I hope they find her.
Guard: What brings you here to Lawndale anyway?
Reed: My girlfriend was going to meet me here; she wanted to have me meet
her sister and her family.
Guard: You know, you could help them.
Reed: I know I could. I just have painful memories of times where I
tried and I failed. . .
(Misty dissolve to Los Angeles, 1976. The setting is the emergency room
at Rampart General Hospital. The doors are opened as we see Officer Peter
J. "Pete" Malloy on a gurney. On either side of the gurney are Sgt. Joe
Friday, Officer Bill Gannon, as well as Firefighters Roy DeSoto and John
Gage. Drs. Kelly Brackett and Joe Early, along with Nurse Dixie McCall,
also now approach.)
Reed: Don't worry, Malloy, things are going to be OK.
Friday: Reed, what happened?
Reed: A fire broke out at a tenement complex in South Central. Malloy
and I ran in to help with Squad 51--who were on a mutual assistance call
with the LA City Fire Department (56)--and got out a few people. Malloy
ran in to get some more people, but then the building caved in. Reed
suffered massive burns all around his body. I gave him CPR, and that
helped him. But he's still in a bad way.
Friday: Bill, you'd better inform Malloy's parents.
Gannon: Right, Joe. (He departs.)
Gage: He's critical, Dixie. We've got to get him in the OR stat.
Brackett: We'll take him in right away. (Malloy is wheeled away.)
DeSoto: Jim, Pete's going to be OK. He's gone through much worse than
this.
Reed: I only hope he pulls through. If he dies. . .
Friday: You know the doctors at Rampart; they'll do their best.
Reed: I only hope so.
(A couple of hours pass. A weary Brackett steps out of the OR. Friday,
Reed and Gannon are waiting.)
Brackett: Jim? (Reed looks up at him.) We did everything we could, but
the burns did too much damage. I'm sorry.
Reed: Oh, my God. . .(He breaks off.)
Friday: I'm sorry, Jim. I know you and Pete came up through the Academy
together.
Gannon: His parents aren't going to take this very well.
(Cut to the funeral. The flag-draped casket is being taken out of the
church, while a bagpipe can be heard playing the mournful sounds of
"Coming Home". The casket is put into the hearse. Cut to the burial. A
detail fires a gun salute, afterwards a bugler plays "Taps". The flag is
folded into a tri-corner and given to Malloy's mother. Reed is stoic
through all this. Misty dissolve back to the present. [57])
Reed: Where have we all gone wrong?
(That thought remains with him as he takes his wallet and keys back. He
now leaves the airport.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 10: Lawndale Bus Station, 7:07 PM Wednesday. Background music:
"Yesterday Once More" by The Carpenters plays through the PA system.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stacy is seen sitting on a bench. She's holding a ticket for the next
bus to Leeville.)
PA Announcer: Last call for the 7:10 to Leeville. I repeat, last call
for the 7:10 to Leeville.
(Stacy gets up and goes. She climbs on board the bus. The bus doors
part, then the bus rolls away.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 11: Mr. O'Neill's English class, Lawndale High, 9:53 AM. Thursday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Mr. O'Neill is teaching his class with his usual enthusiasm. No one,
however, seems to be paying attention.)
O'Neill: And, so, in the end of "A Good Man is Hard to Find", (58) the
entire family is murdered by the robbers. And what do we learn from this
story, Daria?
Daria: That maybe they should have carried AK-47s, mace and brass
knuckles if they wanted a fighting chance at them?
Jane: That, and you'd think they've had learned something from that
family that was killed in that landslide in "The Ambitious Guest". (59)
O'Neill: Daria, Jane, your answers really depress me, you know that?
Daria: Mr. O'Neill, can't you just see that everyone is not paying
attention to you? They're all worried sick about Stacy.
O'Neill: Oh, I'm pretty sure she'll show up eventually, Daria. She just
probably wanted to blow some steam.
(Angela Li, the principal, now enters.)
Li: Mr. O'Neill, would you mind if I make a special announcement?
O'Neill: No, Ms. Li; I don't mind.
Li: Thank you. (Turns to address the students.) Anyway, students, as
you know, Ms. Nibblet mysteriously vanished yesterday. The police are
hoping that maybe some of you might know where she might have gone to.
Providing information on this matter is strictly voluntary, but those who
do give information will get a "life experience credit" on their grade
point average. All information will be kept confidential. At any time
during the day, please feel free to stop by my office and speak to the
officers there. Thank you. (She leaves.)
Jane: What happened to "those who don't participate will be suspended?"
Daria: After Ms. Li lost in that suit Ted's parents filed after he was
made to participate in a school activity that went against his religion,
she can't do that anymore. However, she found a legal loophole by
providing these "life experience credits" for participation. I think one
of these days it'll lead to her ruin.
Jane: Leave it to her to snake her way through that.
O'Neill: Well, now that we've got that out of the way, I just want to
remind everyone that my bi-weekly surprise quiz will be tomorrow. (60)
Daria: Doesn't that defeat the purpose of making it a surprise if you
announce it?
O'Neill: Gee, I never thought of that before.
Jane: Let's face it, Mr. O'Neill; you're not good at surprises.
(O'Neill begins to cry, then flees from the room.)
Daria: Touché, Jane.
Jane: El Zorro strikes again! (She makes a motion like she's carving a
"Z" through the air.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 12: A house in Leeville, 11:30 AM Thursday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stacy is seen with a girl called Laura; she's got black hair, blue eyes
and is wearing glasses, combat fatigues and combat boots.)
Laura: Stacy, I have to admit it was a surprise seeing you coming out of
the bus station. I knew you were going to go over to my place after you
got off, so I made up an excuse about feeling sick so I could get out of
school today.
Stacy: Thanks, Laura. You know, I really miss you. We were something,
weren't we?
Laura: Yeah, until you fell into that Fashion Club crowd. (She gets out
a picture of Stacy from when they were in grade school. Stacy looks
radically different; she's got on glasses, a faded T-shirt, baggy pants
and Vans sneakers.) Stacy, where did we go wrong?
Stacy: I don't know. I guess I fell into a trap and I just felt so
inferior, like I couldn't compete with Sandi and the others. I thought I
found a friend in Quinn, but she's just like the others in that club.
Then, there's Daria and Jane.
Laura: From what you told me about them, they're ladies after my own
heart. Stacy, you had the potential to rise above the shallowness of
life, yet you chose to embrace it. It's not too late to be what you once
were. You know that you're going to have to eventually turn yourself over
to the police so they can contact your parents.
Stacy: I only want to hang out here until the Fashion Clubs Showdown. I
finally want to give Sandi a piece of my mind. It's been a long time
coming, Laura, a long time coming. (She begins to cry.)
Laura: I know, Stacy, I know. (She hugs Stacy.) You did the right thing
in coming to me, Stacy. Believe me, I know.
(A mournful, plaintive acoustic guitar rendition of "La, la LA, la, la"
can be heard as we see a wide-screen version of the scene where Stacy is
getting the syrup of ipecac at Pharm-Rite in slow-motion and in a purple
tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: This week at Mother Nature's Health Food Store, it's our
"Illegal Aphrodisiacs Sale"! Can't afford Viagra? Then check out
Nature's answers to it! Ground rhino horns! Powdered tiger's claws!
Ground elephant's tusks! And much more! Supplies are strictly limited,
due to international treaties that ban the importation of these products!
Visit your local Mother Nature's Health Food Store today, and watch out
for the protesting animal rights activists wielding red paint and FDA
agents!
(Another commercial. An instrumental version of "You're Standing on My
Neck" by Splendora kicks up.)
Announcer: You want Daria action figures, we've got them! Blammo (61),
the makers of Log, are proud to present Daria action figures. Featuring
"Ass-Kicking Daria"! Just pull back on one of Daria's Doc Martins-clad
legs and she can kick the doll of your choice!
(Show a shot of someone pulling back on the Daria action figure's leg; it
kicks a Ken(r) doll in the crotch. The Daria action figure is then pointed
at a Barbie(r) doll and kicks that in the breasts. [62] )
Announcer: Also available, it's the "Fashionable Quinn" action figure,
complete with a closet full of clothes! The "Boy, Am I Angry Jake" doll,
with "Pink-Eye" action! The "Freak-Out Helen" doll, with jaw-dropping
action! The "Paintbrush-Throwing Jane" action figure, with a
spring-loaded arm equipped with razor-sharp brushes! And the "Neurotic
Mr. DeMartino" doll, with "Bulging-Eye" action! More dolls to come soon!
(Shot of Ren and Stimpy playing with the dolls.)
Stimpy: Ren and I are proud to endorse these dolls! (He farts.)
Ren: (Smacking Stimpy.) YOU EEE-DIOT! IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO THAT, DO
IT IN THE KITTY LITTER BOX!
Stimpy: Sorry, Ren!
Announcer: It's the Daria action figure collection! Available
exclusively from Blammo! Batteries not included.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
YANKEES 5, ACT III
(The act lost again. Go Yankees!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1: Jane's room, 4:30 PM Thursday. Background music: The opening
guitar riffs from "The Deadbeat Club" by the B-52's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jane is seen here painting pictures of Stacy, with the word "MISSING"
above it. Daria is lying on the bed so that her hair cascades down the
side of the bed just like she was in "Quinn the Brain".)
Jane: Man, I never thought I'd have to do this type of art, Daria.
Daria: Then again, just a few weeks ago, who would have thought we'd
actually cared for Stacy, much less be friends with her?
Jane: It's funny how fate does these kinds of things. It's almost like
God's up there laughing at us.
Daria: In that case, He must get a hardy laugh from me everyday.
Jane: I only hope that Stacy's OK.
Daria: Strangely enough, I share your concern.
Jane: Daria, would you be concerned for me if I disappeared without a
trace?
Daria: Of course I would; you're one of only a few people I actually care
about.
Jane: That's a relief.
Daria: You know what would be a real devastating blow to me, though?
Jane: What?
Daria: If anything happened to Amy. She's the only part of my family I
actually like and care about.
Jane: Well, you know the old saying: "You can't choose your
relatives. . ."
Daria: "But you can choose which ones to leave out of your will." (63)
(Jane smirks evilly over that.) Jane, for the first time in my life, I am
really worried for someone else.
Jane: Like Trent doesn't count?
Daria: Of course I worry for Trent, but he somehow manages to take care
of himself.
Jane: When he's awake, that is.
Daria: Jane, what if something's happened to her? At this stage, she
might be dehydrated and depleting herself of vital chemicals for the
proper functioning of her heart.
Jane: I hate to be overly optimistic, but maybe they'll find her
consoling herself at a shopping spree at Cashman's.
Daria: If only it were that simple. . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: Laura's house, Leeville, 7:30 AM Friday. Background music:
"End of the World" by The Carpenters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Laura is getting ready for school. Stacy is at the nearby bathroom.)
Laura: You know, Stacy, you're just lucky my parents are out of town on a
business trip this week. If they saw you here, they'd freak. (No reply
from Stacy.) Stacy? Are you listening to me? (She goes to check on
Stacy, then sees her throwing up in the toilet. She goes to her.) Stacy,
are you all right?
Stacy: I'm fine. Really.
Laura: Listen, you just take it easy today. When I get back from school,
I'll order a pizza for dinner. It'll be like old times again.
Stacy: You know, Daria and Jane go to our old pizza place.
Laura: Really? That place is still around?
Stacy: Uh-huh.
Laura: Maybe tomorrow we'll go to that "Fashion Clubs Showdown" and talk
to this Sandi person. She really sounds like a bitch to me.
Stacy: You know, Laura, for these past two years, I've been caught in the
middle of their little power struggles. Quinn really wants to be calling
the shots at the Fashion Club, but that makes Sandi so mad. They can get
so catty at times. Then Tiffany backs everything Sandi does without
question. It just gets so frustrating after a while.
Laura: Yeah, I know. Just take it easy today and we'll take care of this
tomorrow. I've got to go to school now. See you later, OK?
Stacy: Sure. (Laura now leaves. Stacy now resumes throwing up.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: Lawndale High School cafeteria, 11:30 AM Friday. Background
music: "Masquerade" by The Carpenters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The remaining members of the Fashion Club are gathered at a table.
Sandi's going over last-minute plans for the Fashion Clubs Showdown.)
Sandi: Like, here's the final ensemble I've put together for the each of
you. (She hands out papers.) I think this will help us clinch the
championship.
(Quinn's studying hers intensely. Candy taps Quinn on the shoulder.)
Candy: Any chance I can talk to you alone, Quinn?
Quinn: Sure. (To Sandi.) Uh, Sandi, Candy and I will be right back.
(Quinn and Candy go to the hallway.)
Candy: Quinn, I'm really concerned about what's going on here. Sandi's
got this one-track mind about this Showdown, and it seems she doesn't give
a damn about what's happened to Stacy. We've got to do something.
Quinn: Like what?
Candy: Withdraw. That will give Sandi time to get herself together and
we can find Stacy.
Quinn: I don't know if Sandi will like that.
Candy: Do we have a choice? Come on, it's worth a shot. (They go back
to the table.) Sandi?
Sandi: Yes, Candy?
Candy: You know, we really should be concerned for Stacy. Who knows
what's happened to her.
Sandi: Your point?
Candy: I think we should pull out of the Showdown. Find Stacy. Regroup
and make our organization better than it is.
Sandi: Candy, I'm calling the shots here, and I say we're still on for
the Showdown tomorrow! Stacy left of her own choice. That's her problem.
(To Quinn, fiercely now.) And if you don't like it as well, Quinn, you
can just resign yourself! Meeting adjourned! Remember to get up early
for the Showdown; it starts promptly at 9:00 AM. (She and Tiffany leave.)
Quinn: I never thought Sandi could be so cold-hearted towards one of our
own.
Candy: You know, I've met people like her in my experiences. At this
rate, she's going to mess things up royally tomorrow. If that happens,
Sandi's going to have to be relieved of her leadership.
Quinn: But, how?
Candy: I've been studying the bylaws of the Fashion Club and the Student
Government. The bylaws of the Student Government state that the President
or Vice-President do have the power to relieve a club president for just
cause. I've been checking my facts with my attorney, and he said that
Sandi's clearly been showing signs of mental instability. If she messes
up tomorrow, that will be the clincher. Her mental condition would be
sufficient grounds for her dismissal. Quinn, I've been hearing horror
stories from some of the students about Sandi, even from Daria and Jane.
Quinn: But Sandi's a real good friend.
Candy: Quinn, no true friend would ever treat you like dirt the way Sandi
does to you and your sister. She gets it from her mother.
Quinn: I know; my Mom's always squaring off with her.
Candy: You want this to continue for another generation? Quinn, open
your eyes and see Sandi for what she is. Besides, if she's gone, and if
you back me to replace her, I'll substantially increase your duties as
Vice-President.
Quinn: (Getting wide-eyed over this; she can't obviously refuse this,
could she?) Really?
Candy: For sure. Please, Quinn, I know that deep down that cute
exterior of yours is someone who really cares. If we're going to go to
the Showdown, at least try to find where Stacy went to. Try to do your
best. And, besides, I think you care for your sister more than you
realize.
Quinn: Huh?
Candy: Don't deny it, Quinn. I spoke to Daria earlier today, and she
said that you could be someone special if you just lived to your
potential, if you stop acting so airheaded all the time. Think about it,
Quinn, please.
(The bell rings, signifying the end of the period.)
Quinn: I've got to go now. See you later.
Candy: (To herself.) Please, God, let Quinn see the light.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: The Morgendorffers' living room, 7:45 PM Friday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria, Jake, Helen, Jane, Trent and Amy are watching Quinn modeling one
of the outfits she'll be wearing for the Showdown tomorrow: the outfit
she wore when she dumped Corey in "Quinn the Brain".)
Quinn: Well, what do you think of this one?
Daria: A lot of history went into that one.
Quinn: Huh?
Daria: You wore that when you dumped Corey the night you wrote that essay
that got an "A" in English class.
Jake: Huh? When did that happen?
Helen: It was a year ago, Jake, for Christ's sakes!
Jake: Really? Way to go there, Quinn!
(Helen slaps Jake upside the head. Daria lets out one of her Mona Lisa
smiles, while Amy does the same. Jane smirks evilly while Trent chuckles.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings.)
Helen: Daria, would you get the door, please?
(Daria stands up and gets the door. We see Reed.)
Reed: Is Amy Barksdale here?
Daria: If you're here because her old college roommate thinks she had
something to do with the Branch Davidian stand-off in Waco, you're just
wasting your time.
(Reed chuckles over that remark.)
Helen: (Off-camera.) DARIA!
(Fast cut to Amy, who does another Mona Lisa smile. Fast cut back to
Reed, who now enters the house.)
Reed: I hope I wasn't interrupting anything.
Helen: And just who the Hell are you, mister?
Amy: (To Reed.) I guess I should introduce you. Everyone, this is Jim
Reed. I met him just a few months ago. We're thinking of getting
married. (Everyone but Daria, Jane and Trent is shocked.) Anyway, Jim,
(Pointing them in order.) that's my sister Helen Morgendorffer, her
husband and my brother-in-law Jake Morgendorffer, their daughters and my
nieces Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's friend Jane Lane, and Jane's
brother and Daria's boyfriend Trent Lane.
Daria: Nice to meet you, Mr. Reed. (She shakes hands with him.)
Reed: Just "Jim" will do, Daria.
(Everyone else is giving him the silent treatment; however, Jane and Trent
give approving smirks in Reed's direction.)
Daria: Never mind them; they act that way to strangers usually.
Amy: Did I tell you that Jim's a retired LAPD detective?
Jake: Oh, a copper, eh? Well, I showed you blue pigs something when we
demonstrated at the Administration Building at Middleton College!
Helen: Jake, you acted like a complete fool! (64)
Jake: Well, you guys have been having your revenge since! I've got a
whole pile of traffic tickets on the refrigerator door because of that
speed trap near the Seven Corners! (65) Well, I'll show you! I'll pay
your stupid fines, but don't expect me to buy tickets for your stupid PBA
raffles! HA! THAT WILL SHOW YOU, YOU BLUE PIG! (Now the veins are
popping out of his forehead. He now turns to the ceiling.) YOU HEAR
THAT, DAD? JAKEY IS STILL A REBEL! YOU DIDN'T CRUSH MY SPIRIT AT
MILITARY SCHOOL LIKE YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD! (Laughs maniacally
now.)
Daria: Mom, did you let Dad's Prozac prescription lapse again?
Helen: (Scowling fiercely at Daria, then at Jake.) Come on, Jake, time
for you to get some rest! (She takes him by the arm and hauls him up the
stairs.)
Quinn: Well, what about if I show you my red miniskirt?
Daria: Later, Quinn. Right now, I want you to keep your eye out for
Stacy when you're over at Leeville tomorrow. Find out what the Hell
happened to her.
Quinn: Is that all?
Daria: Quinn, I know you care for Stacy yourself. All because she now
chooses to be friends with Jane and me as well doesn't mean that you don't
have to care for her anymore.
Quinn: (Now remembering what Candy told her earlier this morning.) Don't
worry, Daria; I'll look out for her. Stacy means a lot to me, you know.
She's always sticking up for me whenever Sandi's putting me down. I'd be
besides myself if anything happened to her.
Jane: Keep that in mind if the worst happens.
Quinn: (Mortified.) Jane, don't even think that!
Reed: I see Daria picks like-minded friends, Amy.
Amy: It's a family trait.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5: Backstage at the Leeville Civic Center, 8:45 AM Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The Fashion Club is gathered here. We see other girls from other area
schools' fashion clubs gathered here as well. Quinn's wearing a drop-dead
pink minidress and pink high-heeled shoes, while Tiffany's wearing a pink
cashmere sweater, pink pants and red high heels. Candy's wearing a
lavender blouse, purple skirt and purple high-heel shoes. Sandi's wearing
a see-through blouse with black bra underneath, a black leather miniskirt
with fishnet stockings and black high heels. Sandi is standing in front
of the others.)
Sandi: Like, I just want to give this little speech before we go out
there and win this showdown. I am very proud of all of you ladies. If we
win the grand prize--$100,000 in scholarships to each member of the
winning club--we'll like have it made. Everyone will know that the
Lawndale High Fashion Club is the best in the Tri-Counties. So, like,
let's get out there and dazzle the crowd!
Quinn: (Aside to Candy.) Did you see the mad gleam in her eyes?
Candy: Yeah. This might be the day she loses it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6: Just outside the Leeville Civic Center, 8:50 AM Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We see Trent's blue Plymouth(r) Fury(tm) pull up to a parking space.
Daria, Jane, Trent, Amy and Reed now exit the car.)
Reed: Are you sure that Stacy's going to show up here, Daria?
Daria: If I know how members of the Fashion Club act, she'll show up like
the proverbial bad penny.
Amy: Then what?
Jane: We notify her parents. They must be worried sick by now.
Trent: I'll keep an eye out for her.
Daria: (To herself.) If you don't fall asleep first.
(Unbeknownst to anyone, however, Stacy and Laura are seen not too far away
from them, as they slip into a side door leading to the backstage area
while Daria and the others enter through the front.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 7: Inside the Leeville Civic Center, 9:05 AM. Background music:
"Top of the World" by The Carpenters plays through the PA system.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We see various girls go down the runway, modeling off their clothes as
judges rate them. Daria, Jane, Trent, Amy and Reed are way in the back.)
Daria: You know, fashion shows like this are just one step removed from
the stupidity of the Miss America Pageant.
Jane: Except they don't have a swimsuit competition or a talent
competition.
Amy: If any one of them begins talking about world peace, I'm getting out
my gun and shooting the place up.
(Reed chuckles over that.)
Daria: So, Jim, why did you quit the LAPD?
Reed: Too many bad memories. But I think the final straw was when my
wife died from breast cancer about the same time the O. J. Simpson affair
broke out. I couldn't carry on after that. Meeting Amy was a godsend.
She's given me new meaning to my life.
Jane: Hey, meeting someone who's smart and cynical can do that to you.
(Smirks evilly.)
Trent: Wake me up if anyone sees Stacy. (He nods asleep. Daria just
shakes her head.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 8: Backstage at the Leeville Civic Center, 9:10 AM Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sandi and Quinn are getting ready to go on the runway.)
Sandi: Are you nervous, Quinn?
Quinn: No. Are you?
Sandi: Nah. I'm always calm under fire.
(Fast cut to Stacy and Laura. They've been hanging out here for a while
but have not been noticed. They now see Quinn and Sandi and begin to go
to them.)
Stacy: (In an angry tone.) Sandi!
Sandi: Why, Stacy. Where the Hell have you been?
Stacy: I was staying with a friend.
Laura: So, you're the one who did this to Stacy!
Sandi: This is your friend?
Stacy: Yeah. Laura and I were very close when she was living back at
Lawndale. She's opened my eyes.
Sandi: And what exactly have I done to you!
Stacy: You made me bulimic!
Sandi: (Angrily.) ME?
Stacy: Yes, you. You and your stupid rules for Fashion Club membership.
You've got it all figured out to the bra sizes and skin tone. I never
could stand up to those standards, and I've got low self-esteem to begin
with. I had to resort to bulimia to stay thin.
Sandi: Stacy, I never ordered you to do what you're doing to yourself.
Look at you! You're emaciated! You're dried out! You're a wreck!
Stacy: And it's all your fault, you bitch!
(Sandi's taken aback by that remark. She now slaps Stacy.)
Sandi: You take that back, Stacy!
Stacy: You're as bad as your mother, you know that?
(Sandi now completely loses it, and lunges for Stacy. They roll on the
floor as they fight. Laura and Quinn now go up to them. Sandi and Stacy
stand up and Sandi punches Stacy onto the runway. Fast cut to Daria and
her friends.)
Daria: (Shaking Trent.) Trent, wake up! I see Stacy!
Trent: (Half-awake.) But, Officer, I don't do drugs! Honest! (Snapping
out of it.) Huh?
Jane: Man, she's going at Sandi full tilt!
(Cut back to the runway. Everyone's gathered around Sandi and Stacy now.
Quinn now stands between them.)
Quinn: Sandi! Stacy! Stop it! Now!
Sandi: TRAITOR! (She slugs Quinn. Quinn now slugs her back.)
Stacy: (Hyperventilating.) I can't stand to see them fighting, Laura!
Laura: Stacy? Are you all right? (Suddenly, Stacy collapses. Laura
looks at her. She puts her ear to her chest.) Someone get a doctor! Her
heart's stopped beating!
(Reed runs down the stairs to the stage, with Daria and the others behind
him.)
Reed: I know CPR! Daria, call 911!
Daria: Right. (She runs off to find a phone. Reed begins to perform CPR
on Stacy.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 9: Leeville Memorial Hospital, 10:15 AM Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria, Jane, Trent, Laura, Quinn, Amy and Reed are at the waiting room.
A doctor emerges from the emergency room.)
Daria: Well?
Doctor: She lost quite a lot of her vital fluids and chemicals. We did
some tests on her; her sodium and potassium levels were critical.
Luckily, we got her on an IV and she seems to be doing OK. We also
noticed some emetine in her bloodstream. We're going to run a CAT scan on
her tomorrow morning to see if there's any damage to the heart. She's
just lucky to be alive right now.
Jane: What happens to her now?
Doctor: We'll keep her here for a couple of days until she's well enough
to get back on her feet. After that, she'll undergo some counseling for a
year or two. She'll learn how to eat properly; that is, no more bingeing,
no more cutting her food up to little pieces, no more classifying food as
"good" or "bad".
Trent: Is there a chance she'll make these changes?
Doctor: For some, it is a challenge. But if she has friends like you to
back her up, her odds will dramatically improve.
Amy: When can we see her?
Doctor: Perhaps after her CAT scan tomorrow. She needs to rest right
now.
Daria: We'll be back then. (Shakes the doctor's hand.) Thanks a lot.
Doctor: My pleasure.
(We now see a man and a woman enter. The man has red hair and mustache
and brown eyes and wearing a blue suit, while the woman had black hair and
blue eyes, and wears a white blouse and brown skirt.)
Man: Is our daughter Stacy Nibblet here?
Doctor: Yes, she is. She needs to rest right now.
Mrs. Nibblet: Where did we go wrong with her?
Daria: You didn't do anything wrong to make her that way. I think it was
someone else.
(Quinn nods too understandingly; she knows its Sandi.)
Reed: We'd better get back to Lawndale. (To Quinn.) Your parents have
to know what happened.
Quinn: You won't tell them that I punched Sandi.
Daria: I bet Mom would be proud of you; Mrs. Griffin, on the other hand,
may want to put a contract out on you.
(Quinn drops her jaw in shock.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 10: Stacy's hospital room, 2:30 PM Sunday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stacy is lying in bed, wearing the customary blue patient's smock.
Flowers are all over the place. Three arrangements are in a corner, from
each of the Three J's: Jeffy, Jamie and Joey. One is in a vase that has
Amanda Lane's signature on it. Another has a card signed by Tiffany.
Zoom in on one that surprisingly has Daria's signature on it. Daria,
Quinn, Jane, Trent, Laura, Amy and Reed are sitting around her.)
Quinn: Stacy, are you OK?
Stacy: Yeah. I'm fine, really.
Daria: You'll start being fine one you begin the counseling and learn to
get control of your life.
Laura: And I think I know who's been pulling the strings.
Trent: (Getting an angry tone in his voice.) Yeah, Quinn's friend.
Quinn: I hope you're not going to refer to Sandi as that like you
sometimes call me "Daria's sister".
(Stacy laughs a little at this.)
Stacy: Well, no one's going to worry about that little detail anymore,
right, Quinn, (saying this in a kidding tone of voice.) "Quinn's cousin"?
(Daria lets out a Mona Lisa smile over that.)
Jane: Stacy, we're going to help you through this. But you've got to
help yourself as well.
Laura: And the first thing you should do is tell Sandi the truth about
your own past.
Reed: For what it's worth, Stacy, I was in the same boat as you when I
was a kid.
Stacy: Huh?
Reed: I was living in a bad part of LA. The kids used to pick on me all
the time because I didn't want to fit in with their crowd. I concentrated
on my studies and my after-school and weekend activities with the CYO. I
was the star player on the boys' basketball team. One day, the kids were
really roughing me up. Suddenly, two cops got involved and whipped their
asses good. After they arrested them, they spoke to me. I was so unsure
of myself after what had happened I didn't know if I was any good.
Stacy: What did they say to me?
Reed: One of them told me, "Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't any
good. If you believe in yourself and if you think you can do it, that's
what should matter to you, not what anyone else says."
Stacy: Who said that?
Reed: Would you believe it was Sgt. Joe Friday?
Daria: From what I heard about him, he was someone after my own heart:
Smart, cynical, no-nonsense.
Reed: It was after he spoke to me that convinced me that I was going to
be a cop when I grew up. He gave me a lot of advice when I went to the
Academy and when I got my first beat.
Amy: It's kind of like the relationship we have between us, Daria.
Reed: Yeah, when you get out of the Academy and join the force, you feel
like you can do a lot of changes. But as time dragged on, I realized that
a lot--if not most--people just don't give a damn. I think the triple
blow of the King riots, the earthquake and the Simpson mess drove that
point home to me. Now I do want to make those changes, but not from the
usual channels.
Amy: That's why I fell in love with him. He now realizes that he doesn't
need that uniform anymore to prove anything. He's taking his message
right to the people directly.
Reed: The people need to know what's happening out there. But most of
them get disgusted because of the political climate out there and they're
also afraid of being bullied--from the political machines, the right-wing
militias and taxpayers' groups, the leftist groups, etc. If they don't do
anything to make the changes themselves, the Timothy McVeighs and Bob
Schulzes of this world unfortunately will, and not for the better of this
country. Daria, you , Jane, Trent, Amy, Quinn, Stacy and Laura have a
chance to make those changes. My generation had that opportunity, but we
blew it. It's up to you now.
(Suddenly, we see Sandi at the door. She enters and points angrily at
Stacy.)
Sandi: Stacy Nibblet, what you did yesterday brought disgrace to the
Fashion Club.
(Stacy begins to hyperventilate.)
Laura: Stacy, don't panic. Tell Sandi what you've been meaning to say to
her for some time now.
Sandi: When we get back to Lawndale, we're going to expel you from the
Fashion Club!
Stacy: Don't bother.
Sandi: Why?
Stacy: (Gathering up every shred of courage she can muster.) Because I
resign, that's why! I'm sick and tired of living a lie, Sandi! You and
your haughty, bitchy attitude! You and your mistrust of everyone! I'm
sick and tired of living like someone I'm not! You know, there were times
I wanted to go to the library or read a book but I had to be at your
stupid Fashion Club meetings! Well, no more! First thing I'm doing when
I get back, I'm ditching my contact lenses and going back to glasses!
Daria: (Knowing her own experiences from "Through a Lens Darkly".) Amen
to that.
Stacy: Another thing, I'm going to hang out with Daria and Jane a lot
more often now! And Quinn's welcome to hang out with us as well. I can't
speak for her about if she wants to remain with the Fashion Club, but
maybe it would be better if you were thrown out as our President!
Sandi: (Losing it.) You set her up to this, didn't you, you bitch! (She
lunges right for Daria, but Reed holds her back.)
Reed: If I were you, I'd get the Hell out of here before I call security!
Sandi: This isn't over by any stretch of the imagination, Daria! I'm
gonna nail your ass to the wall soon, very soon! (She storms out of the
room.)
Jane: (To Daria.) I wonder if you can find a good deal on an M-1 Abrams
tank?
(Stacy now begins to cry. Daria goes up to her and surprisingly hugs
her.)
Daria: Stacy, you did the right thing.
(A nurse enters.)
Nurse: Is everything all right here?
Reed: Yeah, everything's fine here.
Nurse: Ms. Nibblet, your CAT scan results are in. Your heart checks out
fine. You're just lucky. In fact, the doctors think you can be released
later tonight and you can go back to school tomorrow.
Stacy: Really?
Daria: That's great news.
Stacy: If everyone doesn't mind, I want to be alone now.
Daria: We understand, Stacy. See you at school tomorrow. (She and the
others get up and leave, waving as they go. The nurse joins them. Stacy
is now alone.)
Stacy: (Looking up to the ceiling.) God, give me the strength to endure
what I have to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 11: The office of Angela Li, Principal, Lawndale High School,
8:05 AM Monday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Ms. Li is at her desk, with Sandi sitting opposite her. Jodie Landon,
the Vice-President of the Student Government, and Stacy are sitting next
to her. Stacy is now wearing glasses, her hair is down, and is wearing a
faded T-shirt, baggy jeans and Vans sneakers.)
Li: Ms. Griffin, it is my understanding that you and Ms. Nibblet had a
misunderstanding.
Sandi: It was more than that, Ms. Li.
Li: I also understand that Ms. Nibblet had become bulimic because of your
club's high standards for membership.
Jodie: Sandi, the Student Government cannot tolerate organizations that
condone life-threatening behavior like that. It's not right.
Sandi: It isn't like it was against the law or anything.
Li: There was a similar incident at Oakwood in 1983 shortly after Karen
Carpenter died. A girl just like Ms. Nibblet here died because she got so
weak from bulimia. After that, the State Education Department passed a
regulation stating that all high school fashion clubs were to have an
"Anti-Eating Disorders Clause" in their bylaws and hold an annual seminar
to explain the risks of eating disorders.
Jodie: From the Fashion Club's records, your club has not done either of
those things. As a result, the Student Government has no choice but to
cut our funding for your club until you are in compliance.
Sandi: Oh, yeah? We can raise money on our own! We don't need your
help!
Li: I'm afraid I can't allow that.
Sandi: Why?
Li: Ms. Griffin, I have no choice but to suspend the operations of the
Fashion Club until such time as it agrees to adopt an "Anti-Eating
Disorders Clause" and agrees to hold an eating disorders seminar.
Sandi: But you can't do that! The Fashion Club is my life!
Li: I can, and I just have. Now, if you don't mind, you are dismissed.
Sandi: We'll see who gets the last laugh here! (She storms out.)
Jodie: Stacy, you did the right thing in bringing this to our attention.
Stacy: But can I ever live a normal life after this?
Jodie: Hopefully, it will be a better one than what you had.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 12: The hallway at Lawndale High, 10:15 AM Monday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria, Jane and Stacy are walking down the hall.)
Daria: Well, I guess you had a lot of Hell to go through earlier.
Stacy: It took a lot of courage for me to go to Ms. Li and tell her what
happened. And I have you to thank, Daria.
Jane: When will you start your counseling?
Stacy: Dr. Manson's going to be recommending a therapist for me this
afternoon. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I know that I'll be
better off for it.
(Sandi now approaches.)
Daria: Uh, oh! Here comes trouble!
Sandi: Daria, you did this to Stacy! You turned her against me! What
next, will Quinn turn against me and take over the Fashion Club?
Daria: Stacy acted of her own volition. She's just sick and tired of you
bossing her around.
Sandi: Me boss her around? Let me tell you something, Daria! You're
going to regret this! I swear to God you will! (She leaves, and as she
turns to go, gives Daria the finger.)
Jane: Is this going to be the calm before the storm?
Daria: Maybe.
(Daria, Jane and Stacy leave. Pan right to see Quinn and Candy, who have
seen this from around the corner.)
Candy: Now do you believe me, Quinn? Can't you see that Sandi is really
no friend of anyone?
Quinn: I see that now more clearly than I ever had before, Candy.
Candy: Then it's time to take action. This afternoon, we're going to go
to Jodie and tell her what we know and start the process going on having
Sandi removed as president of the Fashion Club. We've got to do this
before the club self-destructs.
Quinn: Right.
(And here the episode ends. There are no "TO BE CONTINUED" captions to be
seen, but just like how the season finales of "Star Trek: Deep Space
Nine" have been ending in recent years, you just know that there's some
unfinished business to be tended to in the next episode. "We've Only Just
Begun" by The Carpenters begins to play as the closing credits roll. [66]
Alter egos include Daria as Karen Carpenter; Mr. DeMartino as General
George S. Patton, Jr.; Brittany as C-ko Kotobuki from Project A-ko; Candy
as Sailor Venus from "Sailor Moon"; Trent as John Thoroughgood; Ms. Li as
Nurse Crachett from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"; Quinn as Cyndi
Lauper; Stacy as supermodel Kate Moss; and Kevin as Cpl. Klinger from
"M*A*S*H" in a dress. The Daria logo is shown as the credits fade. Cut
to a scene where we see sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an
ominous timpani drumroll can be heard. The left hand is holding a gray
die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and a
yellow handle. The hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!"
each time. However, on the second time, the hammer hits into the left
thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person drops the hammer and
die and turns around; we see it's the author of the story: A man with
brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. His face contorts in pain, and
he screams, "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" He now
walks away, and we see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash
through it] has been chiseled into the metal. White Roman lettering above
it says "MARK", while white Roman lettering below that says "FAN
FICTION,"
and white Roman lettering below that says "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
AUTHOR'S AFTERWARD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know that a lot of people out there are wondering why I was so serious
with this story when "Daria" is usually so funny. I want to step out from
behind the computer and explain.
Eating disorders are no laughing matter. I knew a friend at school who
became anorexic. She nearly died. It was a long climb back for her from
the brink, but she made it. I take the issue of eating disorders like
anorexia nervosa and bulimia very seriously as a result. How many more
people like Karen Carpenter will die because or our society's excessive
obsession with being thin?
If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, seek
help. Find a teacher, a parent, a grown-up, a clergyman, a social worker,
whoever, and get help for yourself or that friend who's suffering from
this. If you get help now, it will save a lot of people a lot of grief
later on.
For more information about eating disorders, please contact the following
organizations:
American Anorexia/Bulimia Association, Inc.
239 Central Park West
Suite 1R
New York NY 10024
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders
PO Box 7
Highland Park IL 60035
Please enclosed a SASE (Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope, preferably
business-sized) with your request.
The FDA has an on-line document about eating disorders at the following
URL:
http://www.fda.gov/opacom/catalog/eatdis.html
Your high school nurse or university health clinic as well as your local
health department may have information as well.
Please, if you're going through this or someone you know is going through
this, get help now. And, by the way, it's not just a "woman's problem";
according to the FDA document cited above, 5-10% of the cases are men.
Seek help now. You can save yourself and others a lot of grief later on.
Thank you for your attention.
Peter W. Guerin
President and CEO, Mark Zero Fan Fiction, Unlimited
March 4, 1999
9:10 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ENDNOTES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Sandi told Stacy that she was going to be expelled from the Fashion
Club for showing up naked at COMMA in protest of the Lawndale Taxpayers'
Association's protest against Jane's painting of Daria nude as well as
ratting that it was Sandi who shredded up Jane's painting in "No Nudes is
Good Nudes".--Summarizing Peter.
(2) As mentioned in "No Nudes", syrup of ipecac--which is normally used to
induce vomiting in poisoning victims--is often abused by bulimics and
sometimes anorexics in order to purge themselves of the food they ate.
However, over time, emetine, a chemical found in syrup of ipecac, does
irreversible damage to the heart, leading to cardiac arrest. That is
what killed Karen Carpenter. For more details, please read Gioia
Diliberto's article "Karen Carpenter was killed by over-the-counter drug
some doctors say may be killing many others" in the May 13, 1985 issue of
"People Weekly" (pg. 67+), available on-line from the InfoTrac Magazine
Index service at your local library.--Deadly Serious Peter.
(3) If you missed it, read "Stupid Sunday" and "No Nudes".
--Shameless Plug Peter.
(4) If you missed that, read "The Dinner Date from Hell".
--The Not-Quite-Frugal Peter.
(5) Indeed, she does, in my next story "Outbitched".--Fair Warning Peter.
(6) In "Return of the Lawndale Militia", I revealed that Jane's middle
name was Coyote.--Sgt. Peter.
(7) Daria had beaten Sandi up in "Triumph of the 'Retart'", "The Dinner
Date from Hell" and "Stupid Sunday".--Mills Peter.
(8) Jane had asked teasingly if Daria could give her boots to her in
"Write Where It Hurts".--Musing Peter.
(9) It was implied in C. E. Forman's "Alienation Legacy" that Aunt Amy
gave Daria some of the inheritance she had gotten from Great-Aunt
Eleanore.--Testator Peter (being of unsound mind and body).
(10) Amy had paid a visit to Daria in C. E. Forman's immortal two-part
story arc "Rain on Your Parade"/"Quinntet".--Grand Marshal Peter.
(11) That's a tip of the hat to my mother, who watches that show. It's a
public affairs program that features an all-female panel looking at
important issues from a women's perspective. You could say it's a distaff
"MacLaughlin Group".--Peter MacLaughlin ("Wrong! Bye-bye!").
(12) The Lanes' pet cats get mentioned in Amanda's notes to Jane and Trent
in "The Daria Database".--Cat Fancier Peter (whose own late pet cat, Tip,
was always angry and hissed and scratched at people, but liked him very
much).
(13) Danny Bronstein speculates in "Who Shot Principal Li?" that Stacy's
last name is Nibblet.--Lee Harvey Peter.
(14) Yes, this does resemble the famous scene in Dustin Hoffman's classic
"...And Justice For All", folks!--Judge Peter.
(15) Who could ever forget that immortal scene from "Quinn the Brain"!
--Peter the Wolf (hit me with a monkey wrench, please!).
(16) Stacy offered to become Daria and Jane's friend at the end of "No
Nudes is Good Nudes".--Misantrophobic Peter.
(17) Certainly not after the wedding in "I Don't" or Great-Aunt Eleanore's
funeral in C. E. Forman's "Alienation Legacy"!--Informally-dressed Peter.
(18) My apologies to anyone from "Joisey" for that; it's part of my
"Lawn
Gyland" upbringing!--Peter Guerin, Suffolk County, New York's favorite
son.
(19) A reference to the popular video game "Quake".--Peter the Scrag.
(20) In my aborted "Daria Generic Holiday Special", I was going to make
mention that Ms. Li could no longer compel students to attend
extracurricular activities after she lost a lawsuit when she forced Ted to
participate in an activity that went against his parents' religious
beliefs. In a future story I'm proposing, "Dirty Campaign", this will be
told in a flashback and will tie in with Andrew Landon's running for a
seat on the Lawndale Board of Education. This will also come home to
roost against Ms. Li in another proposed story called "All the Principal's
Men and Women."--Fair Warning Peter.
(21) Fans of "Beavis and Butt-Head" (from whence Daria got her start) know
that it was the restaurant the two boys worked sometimes; in one of C. E.
Forman's B&B stories, Daria actually worked alongside them for a while.
--"Have It Your Way" Peter.
(22) Check out the map of Lawndale in "The Daria Dairies" for a rough idea
of where it could be.--Cartographic Peter.
(23) Read Daria's datebook in "The Daria Diaries" for details.
--Sleepy Peter.
(24) Another entry in Daria's datebook from "The Daria Diaries".
--Busy Child Peter.
(25) Jane noticed Trent seeing that film in "No Nudes is Good Nudes".
--Shipwreck Peter.
(26) It's normally assumed that Highland is in Texas, which is "Beavis and
Butt-Head" creator Mike Judge's home state.--Cowboy Peter.
(27) I'm taking a big gamble on this. Michelle Klein-Hass hints in her
"Lawndale, CT Continuum" that Daria's been all over the country, and
perhaps in North Tarrytown, New York as well. Daria seems to speak with a
"Lawn Gyland" accent to me, so I decided to place her birth at Stony
Brook, New York, on Long Island, which is home to the famed SUNY
university center as well as the famed hospital (my Aunt Barbara works
there).--Native Long Islander Peter (now suffering in exile in the
God-forsaken Adirondack North Country).
(28) I'm planning on writing a story after my long-promised "Lawndale
Militia III: The Final Conflict" that I'm tentatively calling "My Stupid
Date with Destiny", where Daria tells the story of how she first met
Beavis and Butt-Head; I'm hoping to have C. E. Forman collaborate with me
on this one.--Assmunch Peter.
(29) In "That Was Then, This Is Dumb", Daria forgot to bring her own
sleepwear and had to wear a frilly nightshirt Jane's grandmother had given
to her; she even makes a note to remember to bring her own in her datebook
in "The Daria Diaries".--Sleeping Peter (who admits he wants to sleep in
late on Sundays like Trent after getting his "USA Up All Night" and
"Sci-Fi Channel Saturday Anime" fixes, and his mother's "New York
Times"
crossword puzzle be damned!).
(30) Check out the Morgendorffer's budget sheets in "The Daria Database"
for details.--Balance Sheet Peter.
(31) Daria made a similar snide remark on the note attached to the map of
Lawndale in "The Daria Diaries".--Total Recall Peter.
(32) This mystery boyfriend of Amy's--a cop from a very famous cop drama
--will play a big role in Outbitched.--Chief Peter.
(33) Once again, I made this up, just like I made up Louise for Quinn's
middle name in "The Dinner Date from Hell" and Ann for Brittany in
"Strange Reunions" (and don't forget Marie for Daria in C. E. Forman's
"To Helen Back").--Name-Dropping Peter.
(34)Daria told Brittany the same thing when they, Jane and Kevin were
cooped up in the little wooden shack on the roof of the school in "Daria!:
The Musical"--Sing-Song Peter.
(35) This is my tip of the hat to Martin J. Pollard, who used that phrase
to describe Brittany's breasts in response to a question I had posted at
the Lawndale Commons Message Board in regard to whether Daria was as
"well-endowed" as was hinted at the scene in "Quinn the Brain" where
she
dresses up as Quinn. The quote was originally made by Diane Chambers in
an episode of "Cheers".--Peter Claven.
(36) In "The Daria Diaries", in the description for High Hills Park, its
noted that Satan worship happens nightly there. C. E. Forman had such an
incidence of Satan worship happen at the end of "No Picnic".--Peter Heston
("I hath added an eleventh commandment! 'Thou shalt become a member of
the NRA!'").
(37) Anyone who's ever read or seen "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" knows
that the Grinch's heart is three sizes too small.--Peter Seuss ("And to
think that I saw it on North Oak Street!").
(38) Danny Bronstein had given Tiffany the last name of Woo in "Who Shot
Principal Li?" while her official position in the Fashion Club was given
in the Fashion Club Job Descriptions list in "The Daria Database".
--Unfashionable Peter.
(39) Yes, THAT infamous red miniskirt from "The Lab Brat".
--Graduate Peter.
(40) Daria had made the same suggestion to Mr. DeMartino in C. E. Forman's
very first Daria fan fic Lotto Nonsense.--Yolando Peter.
(41) No, I did not make this one up. The song was actually recorded by
The Carpenters though it started out life as a jingle for AT&T in 1974.
Tony Bennett and Valerie Harper (yes, she of "Rhoda" and "The Hogan
Family") also recorded this song. If you doubt me, it's in "The Book of
Lists # 3" by Amy Wallace, David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace (New
York: Bantam Books, 1983), pg. 182, entry 1 of "10 Popular Songs that
were Originally Commissioned by Big Business".--Lyrical Peter.
(42) For details, read C. E. Forman's "Alienation Legacy".--Your Funeral
Director, Peter Guerin.
(43) That happened in "Triumph of the 'Retart'".--Recap Peter.
(44) David Hyde Pierce, who plays Niles on the hit comedy series
"Frasier", is indeed from Saratoga Springs, New York, and attended
Bethesda Episcopal Church when he was younger; in fact, he served as
musical director and organ player for the funerals for his parents held at
that church.--Peter Crane.
(45) I haven't seen an episode of "Power Rangers" recently, so I'm not
sure who's still on the team or whatever. If you know what's going on on
that show these days, E-mail me at markzero@zdnetmail.com and let me know!
--Peter Zoron.
(46) Shredder had actually said that on an episode of the original
animated "TMNT" series.--Peter Yojimbo.
(47) Usagi Yojimbo did appear in a couple of the "TMNT" animated episodes,
despite the fact that he was created by Stan Sakai (as opposed to Kevin
Eastman and Peter Laird), and he was published by a different company
besides! They even had a Usagi Yojimbo action figure.--Guerin-Sensei.
(48) This is my little homage to Sebadoh, whose 1996 album was called
"Harmacy" and had a front cover shot of a pharmacy whose sign had the
"P"
missing in it.--Folk Implosion Peter.
(49) The relative ease that someone can get syrup of ipecac has alarmed
experts on eating disorders. Some are advocating that this substance
should be sold only by prescription, and I tend to agree. Sorry if I go
on a Quincy-like tear on this, but I feel strongly on this issue.
--Peter Guerin, M. E.
(50) That's true. A lot of shows are taping in Canada now. "21 Jump
Street", "Booker", and, until recently, "The X-Files" were shot
in
Vancouver, while "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues" was shot in Toronto.
Even the English dubbing of anime's been happening in Canada now (i. e.
"Sailor Moon", "Dragon Ball Z", "Project A-ko").--Maple Leaf
Peter (who's
got an honest-to-God hand-written letter from Teryl Rothery, A-ko Magami's
English-speaking voice; E-mail me if you want a copy!).
(51) That actually happened on an actual "Beavis and Butt-Head" episode
(God if I know the name of it; C. E., help me here with this!).
--Peter "HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" Guerin "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH
-HUH-HUH!" (He said "Peter"!).
(52) The patron saint of hopeless cases.--Reverend Peter (who's actually
Lutheran, thank you).
(53) Refer to the map of Lawndale in "The Daria Diaries" for details.
--Cartographic Peter.
(54) If the background music and badge number didn't give it away to you
by now, you'd better bone up on your "Adam-12"; it's now on Nick at Nite
TV Land weeknights at 9:00 PM Eastern/6:00 PM Pacific. By the way, 2430
was Officer Reed's badge number on the series.--Officer Peter J. "Pete"
Malloy, Badge 744.
(55) Linda's job at the station was revealed in "The Daria Database".
--Peter Jennings.
(56) In "Emergency!", Gage and DeSoto worked for the Los Angeles County
Fire Department, which serves the areas of Los Angeles County that do not
have their own city fire department. The City of Los Angeles and other
cities in the county have their own fire departments.
--Firefighter Peter, HFFD.
(57) More scenes from Reed's life--including from his own childhood and
from after the Adam-12 series ended--will be included in "Outbitched".
--Fair Warning Peter.
(58) This, like Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" (which I mentioned in
"Dari-Boo"), was one of those stories I really hated reading in high
school English class. If you have more "least favorite stories I had to
read for English", send them in at markzero@zdnetmail.com!--Prof. Peter.
(59) Yet another one of those stories I really hated in English class!
--Peter Kotter.
(60) Daria makes mention of that in her daily planner in "The Daria
Diaries".--Peter Chips.
(61) Fans of "Ren and Stimpy" know that Blammo makes the Log toys featured
in those commercial parodies seen between segments of the show.
--Peter Höek (YOU EEE-DIOT!).
(62) This is my tip of the hat to Todd Haynes' 1989 film "Superstar: The
Karen Carpenter Story", which was unfortunately pulled due to Mattel and
Richard Carpenter having fits over the unauthorized use of Barbie(r) dolls
and The Carpenters music, respectively.--Peter Speilberg.
(63) This was first said in "One Man's Trash. . ."; it was later brought
up again briefly in "The Dinner Date from Hell" and C. E. Forman used it
in "Alienation Legacy".--Relative-ly Speaking Peter.
(64) For details, see "That was Then, This is Dumb".--Hippie Peter.
(65) Check out the refrigerator in "The Daria Database" for Jake's
tickets; the speed trap is shown in the map of Lawndale in "The Daria
Diaries".--Speed Demon Peter.
(66) Some interesting history on this song: It started out in 1970 as a
jingle for California's Crocker National Bank and was written by Paul
Williams and Roger Nichols. The Carpenters, however, realized the
potential the song had and recorded it, resulting in a hit that was
Number 2 on the "Billboard" charts for four weeks. This information once
again comes from the "10 Popular Songs" list from "Book of Lists 3".
--Peter Guerin, the Singing Author.
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