Lawndale Air Force (1/3)
By Michael J. Pfeffer
Scene 1- Mr. DiMartino's class- all the students are at their desks.
A knock sounds from the door. Mr. D opens it. Outside, a man in Air Force blue dress
uniform whispers a few words to him. Mr. D nods, and walks back in.
Mr. D: Daria, it appears that you have been REQUESTED to join Colonel LANDRY over
(Mr. D gestures to the door. Colonel Landry nods. Daria stands up and walks over.)
Daria: Boy, I sure wouldn't want to miss outsmarting anyone here. If I'm not back in ten
minutes, assume I've run away.
(Daria closes the door.)
Landry: Ma'am, I represent the United States Air Force. You and three other students
from Lawndale High have been selected for the Juvenile Evaluation Committee trials.
Daria: Well, sure beats history.
Landry: You'll be trained in basic escape and evasion, aerodynamics, and flight training.
Eventually, you'll move up to the F-22 Raptor fighter and the B-2 Spirit stealth bomber.
Daria: Well. Billions of dollars each year and we spend it on training peaceful high
school kids to fly. Now that's money management. Who are the other students?
Landry: See for yourself.
(Landry waves to the end of the hall. Jane, Brittany and Michael Andrews, a student
who is almost obsessed with the military, are over there.)
(Daria walks up to Jane and Michael.)
Daria: Our wonderful Air Force. I can't even try to imagine Brittany behind the controls
of a fighter.
Michael: Let alone a nuclear-armed strategic bomber. You know what those things can
Jane: Suck the paint off your house and give all the family a permanent orange Afro.
Daria: Well, Quinn could use one of those. So long, fashion club.
(Brittany is aimlessly twirling her hair with one of those oblivious looks on her face.)
Brittany: Umm Mister Colonel, sir, are those Air Force guys, like, buff or something?
Scene 2- Lawndale High parking lot. A large helicopter, resembling a small cargo
plane with twin tails and rotor pods on the wingtips is sitting there- a V-22 Osprey
transport. Colonel Landry is leading the students towards it.
Brittany: What is that thing?
Daria: It's the newest in a line of makeup delivery vehicles.
Michael: Yeah. All you have to do is press the little button in front marked
Revlon lipstick comes out.
Brittany (Looking ecstatic): Now I'm proud of our country!
(Michael, Daria, and Jane all roll their eyes.)
Landry: Now, folks, if you'll just board the Osprey, we'll get going to the base.
(All get on. Cut to outside. Rotors move to takeoff position & spin up, shortly they
off the ground. Cut to the interior of the passenger cabin, shaking as if in an
earthquake. Daria, Jane, and Brittany are gripping the seats in terror. Michael, being a
big fan of flying, is hamming this up.)
Daria: With all this new technology, can't they make something that takes off smoothly?
Michael: Takeoff? Nah, this is the part where the engines blow up. (Grins)
(All the girls glare at him.)
Michael: Seriously, the Osprey is a tilt-rotor. The engines on the wings rotate upwards
to take off like a helicopter, then they rotate like an airplane.
Jane: Talk to the Air Force, build a smoother plane!
(Cut to the outside of the Osprey- wing-tip engines rotating forward.)
Michael: There, see?
(Intercom comes on)
Pilot: Okay, folks, we're cruising at ten thousand feet. In a few minutes, we'll be
refueling in mid-air for our cruise to Falcon Air Force Base, Colorado Springs, home of
the United States Air Force Academy.
Daria: Take your time. I'll just be airsick.
Scene 3- The U.S. Air Force Academy, spires of the Chapel in the background. Cut to
a barracks hall- two doors on each side.
(Michael walks out, clad in Air Force blue uniform consisting of a blue blazer and
Michael: Not exactly haute couture.
(Daria walks out, in a similar uniform, with an above-knee blue skirt.)
Daria: I can hear Quinn laughing her ass off.
(Jane walks out, in a flight suit.)
Jane: Call me G.I. Jane.
(Brittany walks out, also in a flight suit.)
Brittany: Guh-ross! Don't they have this in pink?
To Be Continued...