GeoCitesSites.com

Live At The Lawndale Bowl
A Quasi-Crossover (Monty Python)
By Michael J. Pfeffer



(All standard copyrights apply to Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.)

Scene 1- Mr. D's class. DeMartino is droning on about the Middle Ages.

MR. D: And so, King ARTHUR was ousted from the throne after failing to find the Holy
GRAIL. The knights of the ROUND TABLE were sent into EXILE a short while afterwards.
Now if any of you LETHARGIC EXAMPLES of NEANDERTHAL BEINGS have actually
seen fit to turn off the PLAYOFFS and do the HOMEWORK, you... heh heh... will be
prepared for our POP QUIZ!

(The class moans a general moan of discontent.)

DARIA: Yet another venture into the exciting world of boring crap. Wake me up when we're
finished.

JANE: Sorry, but to wake you up, I'll have to wake up as well. No can-do.

DARIA: Once again, your endless dedication as a true friend flatters me.

(Daria looks out the window and tapping her pencil mindlessly.)

DARIA (Thinking): Just a couple questions and I can get back to examining my eyelids.

(The paper is covered with mind-numbing essay questions.)

DARIA (Thinking): Damn. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(A jarring musical chord resounds. Three men dressed in bright-red robes, one wearing a
big hat (CARDINAL XIMENEZ), one wearing flying goggles (CARDINAL BIGGLES), and
one with a goatee (CARDINAL FANG) all run in the door.)

XIMENEZ: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is fear, fear and
surprise, our two chief weapons are fear and surprise, and ruthless efficiency...

DARIA: What the hell is this?

XIMENEZ (With great diction and trying to talk straight): Three. Three of our chief weapons
are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... (Shakes
his head.) I'll come in again.

(The cardinals hustle out.)

DARIA: I _think_ something might be going wrong here. Either that or my LSD Pops were
especially laced this morning.

(Cut to outside the classroom. XIMENEZ is knocking on the door.)

XIMENEZ (Whispering): Say it again!

DARIA: Uh... I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition?

(A jarring musical chord sounds. XIMENEZ and the CARDINALS rush in again.)

XIMENEZ: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

MR. D: WHAT is going ON here? Who are you GENTLEmen, and WHY are you constantly
DISRUPTING my CLASS!?

XIMENEZ: I am CARDINAL XIMENEZ, loyal defender of our two governors, the Holy Bible,
Our Lord Jesus Christ, and the Pople. Three governors. The Holy Bible, Our Lord Jesus
Christ, the Pope, and MJP. Oh damn! (XIMENEZ's face contorts at his error.) (To
BIGGLES) I can't say it. You'll have to say it.

BIGGLES: What?

XIMENEZ: The bit about "our chief weapons are."

BIGGLES: Oh, I can't do that!

(XIMENEZ hustles the cardinals out again.)

DARIA: This is stranger than the time in Chemistry when the Sodium Oxide melted the
silicone in Brittany's...

BRITTANY (Off-camera): Hey!

DARIA: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(A jarring musical chord sounds. The CARDINALS rush in, only this time with BIGGLES in
front.)

BIGGLES: Uh... nobody... uh...

XIMENEZ (From the side of his mouth): Expects...

BIGGLES: Nobody expects... nobody expects the...

XIMENEZ (Side of his mouth): Spanish...

BIGGLES: I know, I know... Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do
expect it...

XIMENEZ: (Side-of-mouth again): Our chief weapons are...

BIGGLES: Our chief weapons are... uh...

XIMENEZ (Steps back to the front): That's enough! Our chief weapons are blah blah blah...
CARDNAL FANG, read the charges!

(FANG steps forward and unrolls a scroll.)

FANG: Ye are hereby cherghed that ye did, un deeverse dates, commit heresy against the
Holy Church. (Singing) My old man said 'follow the...'

XIMENEZ: How do you plead? (Points at Brittany.)

BRITTANY: I'm innocent!

XIMENEZ and the CARDINALS: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER)

XIMENEZ: We will soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: DIABOLICAL ACTING)

MR. D: ExCUSE me, do I have any more LINES?

XIMENEZ: Hold on, let me check. Are you MR. D?

MR. D: I THINK so.

XIMENEZ: No, you're done.

MR. D: Then I'll be LEAVING now.

XIMENEZ: Right. Fearsurpriseruthlessefficiencydammit! (XIMENEZ tries to control
himself.) CARDINAL! The rack!

(BIGGLES produces a plastic-covered dish drying rack. XIMENEZ winces as if trying to
ward off a nervous breakdown.)

XIMENEZ (Pained): Right. Tie her down.

(BIGGLES and FANG chuckle evilly. They make a pathetic attempt to tie Brittany to the dish
rack.)

XIMENEZ: Very well. Give the rack... oh dear...

(XIMENEZ walks off, punches the wall, and walks back.)

XIMENEZ: Give the rack... a turn.

(BIGGLES laughs evilly for a moment and starts making a cranking motion. Brittany just
stands there, looking confused.)

(Camera pans left to Daria, and further left to reveal a well-dressed man sitting where Jane
sat, with a microphone marked BBC in front of him.)

ANNOUNCER: And now for something completely different.

DARIA: What the hell?

(Cut to a dirty-looking man.)

"IT'S" MAN: It's...

DARIA: Yeah. Like we're going to go through all these imaginations.

(The class scene suddenly turns into something like a child's coloring book. A giant pair of
scissors cuts out Daria's image in the book, and a large parrot flies out from nowhere and
snatches her up. The scissors proceed to cut out Kevin's image, snip him into tiny little
pieces, and color them green. The parrot scoops up the green pieces, flies a few frames
over to Ms. Li's office [Ms. Li is at her desk, working on papers of something], and scatters
the green pieces of Kevin in the trash.)

PARROT: Awk! Funny money! Funny money! Awk!

(The parrot flaps off. The scene returns to the normal Daria-esque coloring & styling.)

(There is a knock at the door.)

MS. LI: Come in.

(The door opens. MR. KZAGBELCH, a man from the Board of Education Budget
Commission, enters.)

MR. KZAGBELCH: Ms. Li, I'm MR. KZAGBELCH, from the Board of Education Budget
Commission.

MS. LI (Snickering): Yes, I saw from the previous lines. What was your name again?

MR. KZAGBELCH: MR. KZAGBELCH.

(MS. LI continues to snicker.)

MR. KZAGBELCH: What's so funny?

(MS. LI keeps snickering.)

MR. KZAGBELCH: Listen, if this is a bad time, I can refer you to my aide, DR.
FARTENPUKE.

(MS. LI recovers.)

MS. LI: I'm sorry. You were saying...

MR. KZAGBELCH: Well, we've reviewed your budget claims for this fiscal year, and we
must say that they are quite outrageous.

MS. LI: What do you mean?

MR. KZAGBELCH: How is a Plymouth Prowler a business expense?

MS. LI (Tries to look innocent): Aerodynamic field research for our Physics courses.

MR. KZAGBELCH: You couldn't get a loaner?

MS. LI: Of a Prowler? Please. Do you know how expensive those cars are?

(KZAGBELCH winces.)

MR. KZAGBELCH: Well, what about... (checks his clipboard) six dozen albatrosses?

MS. LI: Culinary arts.

MR. KZAGBELCH: MS. LI, do you seriously expect the taxpayers to provide for your...
(Checks clipboard again) Spanish Inquisition?

MS. LI: That's funny. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(A jarring musical chord sounds. The CARDINALS leap through the office door.)

XIMENEZ: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

FANG: Wait a minute, m'lud.

XIMENEZ: What is it?

FANG: I think we're in the wrong sketch, m'lud.

BIGGLES: What do you mean?

FANG: Well, m'lud- not you, m'lud, the other m'lud, m'lud, we're supposed to be in the zoo
sketch.

XIMENEZ: Oh, that's right... (Takes out a copy of the script) this is the Budget Sketch. Right.
Sorry for the inconvenience.

(The CARDINALS exit.)

MS. LI: MR. KZAGBELCH, I'm sorry, but everything on that acquisition list is necessary for
the efficient running of Lawndale High. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's much work to be
done.

MR. KZAGBELCH: Right. Thank you for your time...

MS. LI: That's nice. Get out and shut up now.

(MR. KZAGBELCH exits. MS. LI returns to her work. All of a sudden, a fancy staff slams
down on her desk. Hard-cut to the face of a determined BISHOP.)

BISHOP: OK, ANGELA- don't move!

MS. LI (Looking at the camera, surprised): The BISHOP!

(Hard cut to crime-like intro, with appropriate video and music. Roll credits:

'CHURCH OF J.C. AND LATTER-DAY SAINTS FILMS'

'IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE SUNDAY SCHOOLS BOARD'

'PRESENT'

'THE BISHOP'

'STARRING THE REVEREND E, P. NESBITT'

'AND INTRODUCING F. B. GRIMSBY URQHART-WRIGHT AS THE VOICE OF GOD'

'SPECIAL EFFECTS BY THE MODERATOR OF THE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND'

'DIRECTED BY PREBENDARY "CHOPPER" HARRIS'

(Cut to the football team at practice. The coach is going over the play for a scrimmage.)

COACH: Okay. We're going to split up and go for...

(A '67 Thunderbird rushes up and spins around. A bishop and four reverends, all in full
robes, leap out.)

BISHOP: The play, coach! Don't say the play!

COACH: Inverted half Mary.

(One of the football players' helmets falls off, revealing a sack that says PLASTIC
EXPLOSIVE in big letters. The fake player explodes, and all that is left of the coach is a
whistle.)

BISHOP: We was... too late. Coach Grigsby hit the dirt.

(The fancy part of the bishop's staff starts to flash. The bishop twists it off and uses it as an
earpiece, speaking like a telephone.)

BISHOP: Hello? Yes... what? We'll be right there.

(The BISHOP and the reverends pile back into the car.)

(Cut to a Creative Writing class, desks in a circle. The students appear to have pasted- and
penciled-on mustaches and all look grungier than normally sullen teenage writers. The
paper in the teacher's hand begins to tick.)

MRS. DEVILLE: Okay, everybody. I've found the next poem to be submitted to the literary
magazine...

(The BISHOP and his REVERENDS burst in.)

BISHOP: The poem, DEVILLE! Don't say the poem!

MRS. DEVILLE: It's "Ode to Hidden Bombs in Poetry" by...

(The poem explodes and blows MRS. DEVILLE into the ceiling.)

BISHOP: We was... too late. Mrs. Deville hit the ceiling.

(Cut to the Lawndale High hallways. The BISHOP and the REVERENDS are walking the
halls to the Peter Gunn music. One of the REVERENDS points off in the distance. Zoom
down the hallway to see a distressed MR. KZAGBELCH waving his arms frantically.)

MR. KZAGBELCH: Help... help... help...

(The BISHOP and the REVERENDS start running down the halls, butting aside students,
teachers, etc. The door to MS. LI'S office is locked. One of the REVERENDS stands at
attention. The other three pick him up and throw him forward like a battering ram through the
door.)

(Hard cut to MS. LI, doing paperwork at her desk. The BISHOP'S staff slams down on her
desk again.)

BISHOP: OK, ANGELA- don't move!

MS. LI (Looking at the camera, surprised): The BISHOP!

(Re-roll theme & titles to "The Bishop.")

(Theme stops abruptly.)

(Superimposed caption: MJP WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONSTANT
REPETITION IN THIS SKETCH.)

(An animated Lawndale Lions football player crashes through the caption. Pan right to see
KEVIN in the bleachers, munching on popcorn.)

(UPCHUCK sits by KEVIN in the bleachers.)

UPCHUCK: 'ello, Kevin!

KEVIN: (stiffly) Hey, Upchuck.

UPCHUCK: Is, uh,...Is Brittany a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge
nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

KEVIN: Huh?

UPCHUCK: Brittany, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

KEVIN: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.

UPCHUCK: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more,
knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

KEVIN: (confused) I don't quite follow you.

UPCHUCK: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a
blind bat!

KEVIN: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?

UPCHUCK: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay!
Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say no MORE!

KEVIN: Well, I, uh....

UPCHUCK: Brittany, she's a cheerleader, ay?

KEVIN: Um, she likes cheerleading, yeah!

UPCHUCK: I bet she does, I bet she does!

KEVIN: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.

UPCHUCK: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been
around a bit, been around?

KEVIN: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale. (pause)

UPCHUCK: SAY NO MORE! Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, KEVIN!

KEVIN: I wasn't going to!

UPCHUCK: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is she uh, is Brittany interested
in....photography, ay?

KEVIN: Photography?

UPCHUCK: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

KEVIN: Sports pictures, huh?

UPCHUCK: They could be, they could be taken after games. Candid, you know, CANDID
photography?

KEVIN: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

UPCHUCK: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?

KEVIN: Look... are you insinuating something?

UPCHUCK: Oh, no, no, no...yes.

KEVIN: Well?

UPCHUCK: Well, you're a man of the world, Kevin.

KEVIN: Yes...

UPCHUCK: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... you've "done
it"....

KEVIN: What do you mean?

UPCHUCK: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....

KEVIN: Yes....

UPCHUCK: What's it like?

(An animated football player bowls them both over. The player continues on to a Fashion
Club meeting in the Cafeteria.)

QUINN: So, like, I said to her "Is this some kind of sick joke, or are you really wearing
_plaid?_

TIFFANY: Plaid is so weird.

SANDI: Quinn, you are, like, so smart.

QUINN: Then _she_ says, "I didn't expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition!"

(A jarring musical chord sounds. The CARDINALS burst through the cafeteria door.)

XIMENEZ: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

(Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.)

Voice Over: (and caption on screen) 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE SIXTEENTH
CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF RELIGIOUS UNORTHODOXY, THE
POPE GAVE CARDINAL XIMENEZ OF SPAIN LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR
HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND
TORTURE THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM AND A WONDERFUL RECURRING
THEME ESPECIALLY IN DARIA FAN FICTION. THIS WAS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
. . .'

(Cut to torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. Shadows on the Grille. The footsteps
stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Ximenez walks in and looks round
approvingly. Fang and BIGGLES enter behind pushing QUINN. They chain her to the wall.)

XIMENEZ: Now, Fashion Club blasphemer! You are accused of heresy on three counts.
Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts. Do
you confess?

QUINN: Like, what is going on? I don't understand what this is!

XIMENEZ: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! BIGGLES! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

(Jarring musical chord - BIGGLES holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)

BIGGLES: Here they are, lord.

XIMENEZ: Now, QUINN -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy,
reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last
chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous
utterance.

QUINN: I don't know what you're talking about.

XIMENEZ: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

(BIGGLES carries out this rather pathetic torture)

XIMENEZ: Confess! Confess! Confess!

BIGGLES: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

XIMENEZ: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

BIGGLES: Yes, lord.

XIMENEZ: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal
Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Fang's horrified face)

Fang: (terrified) The...Comfy Chair?

(BIGGLES pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)

XIMENEZ: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we
shall see. BIGGLES! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)

XIMENEZ: (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until dinner time, with
only a cup of coffee at four. (aside, to BIGGLES) Is that really all it is?

BIGGLES: Yes, lord.

XIMENEZ: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman.
Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!

BIGGLES: I confess!

XIMENEZ: Not you!

(Cut to the hallways. DARIA and JANE are walking to the exits.)

DARIA: This was one weird day.

JANE: Yeah, a bunch of British people acting like fools. Not exactly what I expected. What
about you?

DARIA (Rolls eyes): I didn't expect it.

JANE (Acting as if she's reading line-by-line from a script): But nobody expects the Spanish
Inquisition.

(DARIA, JANE, and all the extras in the hallway stare at the door.)

(Cut to a suburban house. The CARDINALS burst out the door and run for a Lawndale
Transit bus. They dash on just as the bus pulls off. XIMENEZ pays the fare for the driver,
and they grab on to handrails.)

(The credits begin to roll.)

SPECIAL THANKS TO

BIGGLES: Look, he's started the credits!

XIMENEZ (To the driver): Lawndale High School! And hurry!

AUDREY SOFFA

CHRIS SMITH

NESSY THOMPSON

LIESBETH DE SMEDT

KATHERINE GOODMAN

SHELBY MCGOWAN

HEATHER MCGOWAN

ERIC NOSS

ANYONE ELSE I FORGOT

XIMENEZ: We're almost there! Oh, no, he's almost finished!

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS:

GRAHAM CHAPMAN

JOHN CLEESE

ERIC IDLE

TERRY GILLIAM

FANG: Only two left! Hurry!

TERRY JONES

MICHAEL PALIN

(The CARDINALS rush in the Lawndale High doors.)

XIMENEZ: NOBODY expects the...

(Fade rapidly to black. Superimposed caption: THE END)

XIMENEZ: Oh damn!

When I remember starting my first Daria fan fiction back in the early summer of '97, I didn't
know that I'd become one of the most known folks in the fandom. Since then, I've had many
experiences, relationships, and friendships throughout the fandom that will last forever. This
is the one place where I could find acceptance. This was where I met Nessy, Liesbeth, and
everyone else who has helped make me the person that I am. I grow every day, as do every
one of us, and I'm proud to be a part of all my friends here.

Right now, there's only one person that I want to thank most of all. Even though I met
Audrey Soffa a little less than a week ago, we've found out that we have so much in
common it's almost scary. Audrey is a true Pythonite, almost a clone of me in every aspect.
Audrey, you mean more than you can understand to me. I can talk to you and you can
understand. I can quote a song and you'll know who it is, whether it's The Clash or Queen or
Duran Duran. I can take a line from Dave Barry and you'll know it. You're more than just
someone to me. You're like my sister, my psychologist, and my girlfriend all rolled into one.
I don't know if what we have is love at first sight, platonic friendship, or just some crazy thing
that's destined for the unknown, but I'm glad that I know you. You're more special to me than
you'll ever know. So it's for that and millions of other great reasons, most of which I've
forgotten to write now, that I'm dedicating this story to you. Until they stop saying Ni, and until
people stop not expecting the Spanish Inquisition, this is yours.

Farewell, everybody. I asked myself, should I stay or should I go? The indecision was
bugging me, and if I went there would be trouble, and if I stayed it would be double. Peace,
love, and remember- save Pakistan and India before it's too late.

-Signing off,

MJP