First off, let me say that I love the TV show just the way it is, and
have tried to be as true as possible to it here, keeping the general
style and plotline in the direction the show's writers seem to have
their minds set on. You won't find the start of any outrageous story
arcs, new major characters or departures in style from the "Daria" we
all know and love. Please let me know how close I got. (And if you're
from MTV, I should mention I'd love to do this for a living.)
If you have suggestions for music that'd go good with what I've written
here, send it over. (I'm not very up on the popular-music industry.)
(...la la LA la la...)
Daria in "Lotto Nonsense"
C.E. Forman (firstname.lastname@example.org)
BEGIN ACT 1.
EXT.: CONVENIENCE STORE. LATE EVENING.
INT.: CONVENIENCE STORE.
(Daria is here, by herself. She opens a sliding glass refrigerator
door and takes out a bottle of pop, then closes it. Turns around
to the other side of the aisle and picks out a bag of chips. As she
emerges at the counter, from behind her comes--)
TRENT'S VOICE: Hey, Daria.
DARIA: (Turns around, eyes lit up.) Trent! (Catches herself, recovers
her normal aloof composure.) Hi. What're you doing here?
TRENT: I've been sleeping for four days straight. I *had* to get out of
the house. (Coughs.) How 'bout you?
DARIA: I had to get out of my house too.
TRENT: (About half out-of-it.) How come? You don't look like you've
DARIA: No, but the rest of my family's there.
TRENT: Whoa. Your whole family's at home, like together? That's
really weird, Daria. (Notices her pop and chips.) Here, let
me get those for you.
DARIA: No, that's okay, I--
TRENT: It's no problem, I've got the cash.
(Trent takes Daria's stuff from her. Closeup of their hands brushing
for just a second.)
DARIA: (Lowers her eyes, blushes just a bit.) Okay.
(With nothing to hold onto since Trent took her stuff, Daria fidgets
nervously. The counter chick emerges from a room in the back.)
TRENT: (Obviously knows her from way back.) Hey, Stella.
STELLA: Hey Trent. Y'here for your usual two packs of--
TRENT: (Wide-eyed, interrupts, changing the subject, not wanting Daria to
hear what she's about to say.) Hey look, Daria. (Points at a
lottery poster behind the cash register.) The lotto's up to 16
mil this week. (Removes money from wallet, hands to Stella.)
I'll take a ticket, Stella. Quick-Pick Six. (To Daria.) Whadya
DARIA: No, thanks. The entire lottery system's a sham. It preys on poor
and jobless people who can't afford to play to begin with, giving
them false hopes that someday they'll actually hit the big payoff,
when in reality they're just throwing money away every week to some
kind of automatous, brainwashed addiction.
TRENT: Yeah. (Realizes this applies to him.) And it works. (Gives Daria
same look as he did in "Pierce Me", the smiling, arched-eyebrow one
she just can't say no to.) C'mon, it's just a couple of bucks.
And who knows, you might get lucky.
(Daria squirms uncomfortably at the words "get lucky".)
DARIA: (Trying to find an excuse to turn Trent down.) But... don't you
have to be eighteen to play anyway...?
TRENT: No problem. I'll buy it for you and give you the cash if it wins
DARIA: (Looking into Trent's eyes.) I'm really not much of a gambler...
(Trent raises an eyebrow hopefully.)
DARIA: (All hope for any kind of snappy comeback is gone.) ...and I
don't have very much money as it is...
(Trent smiles, knowing he's won her over.)
DARIA: (With meek accord.) Okay.
(Black screen, with the words "ONE WEEK LATER..." in white block
letters. Hold for a few seconds, then...)
INT.: MORGENDORFFERS' LIVING ROOM. EARLY AFTERNOON, WEDNESDAY.
(Daria is seated on one of the couches, reading "Infinite Jest" by David
Foster Wallace. [Damn good book; if you haven't read it yet, read it!
If you have read it, read it again!] Helen has her briefcase out and is
seated on the other couch, amongst a scattering of papers. Jake, next to
Helen, is amusing himself playing cat's cradle with a piece of string,
not having much luck with it.)
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE.
(Trent walks up the sidewalk to the front door.)
INT.: MORGENDORFFERS' LIVING ROOM.
(The doorbell rings, and Jake answers it, but has to turn the knob with
both hands since they're all knotted up in the string. Jake sees Trent
standing there and recognizes him. Trent stares curiously at Jake's
JAKE: Ummm... Trent, right? (Turns around, calls.) Hey, kiddo, your
boyfriend is here!
(Daria looks up from her book, both surprised to see Trent and embarrassed
at her father's comment. Trent looks equally uncomfortable.)
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE.
(Trent's car is parked at the curb. He's leaning against it, with Daria
facing him, her back to the house.)
TRENT: Sorry about that. Didn't mean to drop by unannounced.
DARIA: (Can't possibly be upset with Trent.) It's okay. I'm just glad
we got out of there before my Dad tried to bond with you. So...
what did you want to see me about?
TRENT: Remember that lottery ticket I bought for you last week?
TRENT: Well, it sort of won.
DARIA: (Surprised.) Oh my God, you're kidding.
TRENT: Well, five out of six numbers. But you had to split it with
quite a few other people.
DARIA: Damn socialist system. So... How much did I end up with?
TRENT: I would've told you sooner, except I sort of fell asleep. For
like, several days.
DARIA: (Excited but refusing to show it.) So how much did I get?
TRENT: Five-point-eight G's, after taxes.
DARIA: (Disbelief.) Five thousand eight hundred dollars?!
TRENT: I took the lump sum, hope that's okay.
DARIA: Good choice. I don't trust the lottery commission with my money.
They'd probably gamble it away before I got all the payments.
(Trent opens his car door and digs under the seat, producing an envelope
which he hands to Daria.)
TRENT: Might wanna count it out to be sure. I wasn't there, Janey went
in and cashed it for me. I have a thing about banks, Daria, don't
even get me started.
(Daria opens the envelope and begins flipping through the cash.)
DARIA: You could've kept all this for yourself you know. I never
would've known I'd won if you hadn't told me.
TRENT: Nah, that's okay, I wanted you to have it. My turn's coming real
soon though, just you watch.
DARIA: At least take *some* of it. I mean, you bought the ticket.
TRENT: Nah, I'd just blow it on stuff I don't need.
DARIA: (Joking.) Like maybe a big expensive gift to someone you really
TRENT: (Smiles.) Exactly.
DARIA: (Finishes counting.) Umm, this is $400 short.
TRENT: Oh. Right. Hope you don't mind, I sort of borrowed that. Mystik
Spiral needed a new amp. Don't worry though, I'll pay you back.
Promise. (Gets in his car.) Well. See ya.
(Trent starts his car and drives off. Daria stands there, watching him
go, then looks at the envelope of cash, gets just a hint of that Mona
EXT.: CRANBERRY COMMONS. EARLY AFTERNOON, WEDNESDAY.
INT.: "SOUND BY THE POUND" MUSIC STORE.
(Quinn and the rest of the Fashion Club are flipping through racks of CDs.)
QUINN: (Picks up a CD.) Ooh, I just *have* to get this! These guys are
STACY: I heard that one's even better than their Christmas album. And
their Fourth of July album and Thanksgiving album.
SANDI: (Looking at taped-up flyers for bands playing at the local pubs.)
Get a load of some of *these* losers. "Mystik Spiral"? What the
hell is *that* supposed to be?
TIFFANY: (Holds up a pair of headphones.) Do these go with my shoes?
QUINN: (Rummaging through her purse.) Dammit!
SANDI: What's the matter, Quinn?
QUINN: Can you loan me some money, Sandi? I don't have enough.
SANDI: (Snooty, no way she's going to loan Quinn anything.) So? Why
don't you just use your five-finger discount?
QUINN: Y-you mean *steal* it? But...
(Sandi gives Quinn a "look" that says if she doesn't go through with
this her friends will lose all respect for her. Quinn is clearly more
than a tad uncomfortable at the thought of shoplifting.)
TIFFANY: It's okay, Quinn. We'll stick by you if anything happens.
SANDI: (Proud.) Members of the Fashion Club *always* stick together.
STACY: We can just say it was like an accident or something. They can't
SANDI: You're not like, *afraid* or anything, are you Quinn?
SANDI: Then what are you *waiting* for?
(All three of the other girls are looking at her. Reluctantly, Quinn looks
around to be sure no one else is watching, then genuflects down as if to tie
her shoe. The rest of the Fashion Club stands on either side of her so no
one walking by will see what she's doing. Quinn pulls the long plastic
holder and the little anti-theft laser-deactivated device off the CD and
tucks them out of sight under the racks of music. She slips the disc into
her purse, then stands again.)
SANDI: Now just act natural. (Notices Quinn is holding her breath.)
Acting natural means *breathing*, Quinn!
(Quinn takes a deep breath and starts walking.)
SANDI: Uh, Quinn? The exit is *that* way. (Points in the opposite
(Quinn gets turned around. The Fashion Club, Quinn leading the way,
proceeds toward the exit. She is clearly nervous and is shaking a bit.
Slow-motion effect here for added suspense, alternating between two shots:
one of the girls walking, the other from Quinn's POV as the exit draws
nearer. As they emerge into the mall concourse, a female security guard
who'd obviously been watching stops them in their tracks.)
OFFICER: Excuse me, girls, can I talk to you for a moment?
(The Fashion Club looks at each other, all panic-stricken, then Sandi,
Stacy and Tiffany run off in separate directions, leaving Quinn standing
there alone and helpless, a terrified look on her face. Her shoulders
slump dejectedly, sending her purse to the floor where the filched CD
spills out of it. The officer glares at Quinn.)
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. EVENING, WEDNESDAY.
INT.: MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN.
(The Morgendorffers at dinner. Quinn wears a mortified look and seems
about to cry. Helen is very upset. Jake is struggling to open a jar of
something. Daria watches the carnage unfold, expressionless.)
HELEN: (Angry.) We're very, *very* disappointed in you, Quinn. You've
just jeopardized your entire future over a $15 CD!
DARIA: Yeah. You should've at least gone for some expensive jewelry or
one of those portable stereos.
HELEN: (Choosing to ignore Daria's remark for the moment.) And now you'll
be branded a shoplifter for the rest of your life, just another
statistic, a teenage stereotype gone downhill. I mean what the hell
were you *thinking*!?
(Quinn covers her head with her hands and looks positively downcast.
Jake tries wrapping his tie around the lid of the jar like a tourniquet,
but it still won't open.)
DARIA: We talked about this in econ once. Mrs Bennett called it
HELEN: --And I can't even *begin* to talk about the embarrassment to the
family! I can't very well show my face at the Cranberry Commons
after an incident like *this*! Everyone there will point and
whisper, "There goes Helen Morgendorffer, whose daughter Quinn got
caught shoplifting, what a rotten parent *she* must be--"
JAKE: (Hurts his hand.) Oww! Stupid jar! (Enraged, he picks up a knife
and attempts to saw his way through the lid.)
QUINN: (Tired of listening to Helen bitch.) I'm *SORRY*, Mom! God!
HELEN: Sorry isn't good enough--
QUINN: (Near tears.) You just don't *understand* all the pressure I'm
under! It's really *hard* to buy all the clothes and shoes and
CDs and makeup and perfume and lipstick and nail polish and all
the other things I need to stay attractive and popular, on the
allowance you and Dad give me!
DARIA: Would this be a bad time for me to mention I just won six
thousand dollars today?
HELEN: (Thinks Daria's comment is just her usual smart-assing, ignores
it.) That's no excuse, Quinn. (Thinks.) Hmm, maybe you should
look into a part-time job if you need more money.
QUINN: But Mo-OOOMMMM!! If I hafta do a stupid job, when am I gonna
have any time to be popular and hang around with my friends and
go out on *dates*?!
HELEN: Come on now, it wouldn't be *that* bad, sweetie--
QUINN: You don't understand at *all*! It's not *fair*! I'm going to
Joey's! (Thinks.) Or maybe Jeffy's. Or... um... whatever the
other one's name is. *They* understand me!
(Quinn stands up to leave.)
DARIA: Try not to swipe anything on your way out.
HELEN: (Angry.) Daria, don't start!
JAKE: (Frustrated.) Open... damn... you...
(Jake is now banging the jar against the edge of the table. Quinn turns
to leave, but Helen grabs her by the wrist. She shakes her mother's
hand away, but remains standing by the table.)
HELEN: (Trying to have a calming effect on both herself and her daughter.)
Quinn, honey, please believe me when I say I know how you feel.
Your father and I have always provided you with everything you
need... Well, we're your parents, that's our job...
(Quinn rolls her eyes, assumes an "Oh God, not *this* speech again"
HELEN: (Continuing.) ...but you're almost fifteen now, and it really is
time you learned to take some responsibility for JAKE! WILL YOU PUT
DOWN THE DAMN JAR AND FOR *ONCE* BACK ME UP HERE!!
JAKE: (Startled, throws the jar to the side where we hear it shatter
off-camera.) Sorry! Sorry!
HELEN: (Sighs.) Quinn, we can't always have everything we want in life
right when we want it--
JAKE: (Firm but with his typical enthusiastic cluelessness.) Listen to
your mother, Quinn!
HELEN: --but that doesn't mean we can just *take* whatever we want from
JAKE: (Pounds his fist emphatically on the table.) We certainly can't!
HELEN: (Glares at Jake. Back to Quinn, realizes her lecture is getting
her nowhere, time for a change of pace, brightens a bit.) Say, I
know what you could do to earn some extra money! That pizza place
you girls hang out at is looking for part-time help. Eric told
me the other day his son applied there, maybe you could too.
JAKE: That sounds like a *great* idea, right, Quinn?
(Quinn crosses her arms, puts on a pouty frown.)
HELEN: Now that still leaves us with this little mess you got yourself
into today. I'm afraid you're going to have to earn back our
trust, sweetheart. So from now on, if you're going to go
shopping, one of us has to come along too.
DARIA: Oh right, like *that's* really gonna work.
QUINN: (Slack-jawed disbelief.) Mo-OOOO-OOMMMMMMMM!!! You *CAN'T*,
you'll embarrass me in front of *everyone*!! This *sucks*, you've
ruined my life, I'll never be able to face my friends again!!
(Quinn storms out. Jake turns to watch her go, unhappy seeing his
daughter so upset. Helen touches her hand to her forehead and closes her
eyes. Daria continues eating like nothing out of the ordinary happened.)
HELEN: (Upset with herself.) Well, I completely blew that.
JAKE: (Turns back around, expression of cheerful cluelessness, still
thinks he should be agreeing with everything Helen says.)
You sure did, honey!
HELEN: (Thinking to herself, out loud.) I said completely the wrong
things, I focused on my own embarrassment and her punishment and
didn't address her insecurities, and I completely screwed it up.
JAKE: Couldn't have put it better myself!
HELEN: JAKE WILL YOU KNOCK IT *OFF*?!
JAKE: (Cowers, defensive.) Well I was just trying to *help*! You told
me to back you up and I *did* and now you're mad because I'm
*agreeing* with you?!
(Jake stands angrily and stalks out of the kitchen, muttering as he goes:)
JAKE: Jeez, I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't! DAMN!!
(Tense silence in the room, now that the storm has abruptly passed.)
HELEN: (Turns to Daria.) Well?! I suppose now *you're* going to get
on my case about something too?
DARIA: (Deadpan.) Yes. (Looks down at her plate.) How come we're
having lasagna *again*?
(...la la LA la la...)
(COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: The Fashion Club deserting Quinn as she's stopped
by the officer.)
END ACT 1.
(COMMERCIAL: Four and a half rapture-packed minutes of bouncy-hair
maintenance products, sex-appeal-enhancing soft drinks, and still-highly-
experimental genital-herpes-suppression chemicals.)
BEGIN ACT 2.
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. LATE EVENING.
INT.: QUINN'S ROOM.
(Quinn is sitting on the edge of her bed, talking on the phone.)
QUINN: (On the phone, obsessing.) So *first* they took me to the mall
office and took these *pictures* of me and didn't even let me
fix my *hair* first, and it was so scary and I was sweating and
that made my makeup run and *THEN* they took my fingerprints and
got all this black *ink* on my nails that I *STILL* can't get off,
and *THEN* they actually *called* my *MOM* and she had to come
down and pick me up in front of *everyone*!!
DARIA: (Appears in Quinn's doorway.) Did they strip-search you too?
QUINN: (Covers the mouthpiece.) Go away, I'm on the phone!
QUINN: (On phone.) I mean it was *so* embarrassing I just wanted to *DIE*!
(Split-screen to show Quinn on the right side, and on the left from
top to bottom are three smaller "screens" for Joey, Jeffy and Jamie,
with whom Quinn has set up a four-way conference-call.)
JOEY: I would've bought you that CD, Quinn, if you'd asked.
JEFFY: Me too.
JAMIE: Me three.
QUINN: Thanks, I know you would have. Tell you what, next time I'm going
to the mall I'll call you and you can buy me something then.
JEFFY: Which one?
JAMIE: I think she means me, guys.
QUINN: All of you! We can all go together!
JOEY: I call dibs on driving her!
JEFFY: I call dibs on buying her lunch!
JAMIE: *I* call dibs on holding her hand while we're walking around!
JOEY: What? No *way*, Jamie!
JAMIE: Yes way.
QUINN: (Playfully helpful.) You could take turns.
JOEY: Welllll... okay. But me first!
JEFFY: No, me!
JAMIE: Me first, it was *my* idea!
(The three J's begin shouting at each other. Quinn lies back on her
bed, closes her eyes and smiles at the sound of three guys fighting
over her. This was what she'd wanted to hear, and it's obviously very
therapeutic for her.)
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. EVENING, THURSDAY.
INT.: MORGENDORFFERS' LIVING ROOM.
(Daria and Jane are sitting on the couch in front of the TV, which is on,
though not to anything interesting. Jane has her sketch pad and is doing
a cubist rendering of the room's furniture.)
DARIA: God I'm bored.
JANE: Wanna see what else is on?
(Jane puts the pad aside and picks up the remote from the end-table.
Close-up of Daria as channels are flipped, her expression vacant and
her voice deadpan.)
DARIA: No. (beat) Uh-uh. (beat) Mmm... no. (beat) No. (beat) Not a chance.
(beat) No way. (beat) You have *got* to be kidding me. (beat)
(Suddenly we hear the "Sick, Sad World" music. Cut to close-up of the
TV, running clips from past "Sick, Sad World" episodes interlaced with
the famous eye logo.)
ANNOUNCER: You've asked nicely for it! You've demanded it! And you've
even called in and threatened to blow up our studio if we didn't
give it to you! That's why this weekend we're bringing you nine
solid hours of the sickest, saddest episodes of them all!
(Cut to Daria and Jane on couch.)
JANE: Told you those fake bomb threats'd pay off.
DARIA: I stand corrected.
(Quinn enters, talking on the cordless phone.)
QUINN: No, really, it's *okay*, Sandi! Tiffany and Stacy said they
both suddenly had to go to the bathroom really bad too, so it's
no problem, I understand!
(Back to close-up of TV.)
ANNOUNCER: Don't miss the Best of "Sick, Sad World" Marathon, tomorrow
starting at four, only on--
(Back to Daria and Jane on couch.)
JANE: Nifty. (To Daria.) Mark your social calendar.
DARIA: No need, it'll be open.
QUINN: (On the phone.) Of *course* we're still on for tomorrow night.
(Pause.) Yeah, see you then! (Hangs up, turns toward the TV.)
Uuuck, how can you *watch* that?
JANE: It gets me feeling all fuzzy and squishy.
DARIA: It makes me laugh.
QUINN: Oh c'mon Daria, I've never seen you laugh.
DARIA: (Deadpan.) I'm laughing all the time, on the inside.
QUINN: Well you can't watch it here tomorrow night! The Fashion Club is
having a Fashion Sleepover and you'll just get in the way!
DARIA: (To Jane.) I suppose we could cancel our reservation here and
book one at your place.
JANE: Not if we want to hear anything. Trent's got Mystik Spiral coming
over for an all-night rehearsal, says they've got some good gigs
DARIA: That's right, he just got that new amplifier, didn't he?
JANE: Oh, he told you too? I couldn't get him to shut up about the damn
thing. I don't even know where he got the money, but he had me cash
this big-ass check for him the other day. I don't know if I *want*
to know where he got it. (Beat.) Did he tell you where he got it?
DARIA: Umm... (Hesitates, looks elsewhere, not sure she wants to get into
this.) Yeah. It was mine. He borrowed the amp money from me.
(Quinn has turned to leave, but at the sound of this she's intrigued
and inconspicuously slides onto the other couch, eavesdropping in plain
JANE: Back up a second, ya lost me there.
DARIA: (Sighs.) I was at the convenience store when he walked in. We
started talking, and he bought me a lottery ticket and it won.
JANE: Whoa whoa whoa wait... that money was *yours*?!
DARIA: All fifty-eight hundred dollars of it.
QUINN: (Leaps up from couch.) *What*?!
JANE: (Mock delight.) And you bought him a brand-spankin'-new amplifier,
Daria that is just so *sweet*!
DARIA: (Annoyed.) Shut up.
QUINN: You mean you weren't *joking* when you said that the other day?!
B-but that's not *fair*!!
DARIA: Neither is having to put up with a whiny younger sibling who listens
in on your conversations and constantly bellyaches about life not
QUINN: (Confused, utterly missing what Daria's trying to say.) I don't
have to put up with that.
DARIA: Forget it. Quality sarcasm is wasted on you.
QUINN: But I *need* the money more than you do, Daria! Do you have any
idea how *hard* is it to be attractive and popular when you're on
a *budget*? I can't maintain my image like this!
(Jane is watching this whole exchange with amusement.)
DARIA: You think it's not hard for *me* to maintain this veneer of
cynicism and resentment? I just make it *look* easy.
QUINN: Well you should at least *share* some of it with me! (Gets a
thought, her mood brightens.) I know, you could take me to the
mall this weekend--
DARIA: (Interrupting.) Like hell.
QUINN: C'mon, you *have* to! Mom has to work this weekend and she said
she's having her assistant call every hour just to check if I'm
here so I don't sneak off, but she said it's okay if you'll come,
too, but otherwise she won't let me go!
DARIA: Can't Dad take you?
QUINN: Eewwww, shopping with *Dad*!? In *public*!?
DARIA: Point taken. But I'm still not being your mall chaperone.
QUINN: I don't mean you actually have to hang *out* with us the whole
time, *God* no. I just need you there so Mom'll let *me* go and
maybe if I need to buy something since you've got lots of money
now and *you're* sure not gonna spend it on anything except maybe
some stupid books or another pair of those ugly boots.
DARIA: (Frowns.) You really know how to endear yourself to me, don't you?
QUINN: (Gets "serious" all of a sudden.) Look. Daria. I *have* to go
to the mall, it's just who I am and what I do. I *live* for it,
end of story.
DARIA: Wow, you're even more pathetic than me. And that's saying
QUINN: Please? (Gets on her knees, folds her hands in a beseeching
posture.) *Pleeeeaaase*, Daria?
JANE: (Aside, to Daria, disbelief.) Whoa. She's *begging* you!
DARIA: (Sick of Quinn's whining.) This isn't nearly as much fun as I
always imagined it would be. (Beat.) Welllll... since you've
reduced yourself to abject grovelling... okay. But on two
conditions: One, Jane and I get this TV tomorrow night until
one in the morning. And two, you don't say a word about me
winning this money to anyone.
QUINN: Even Mom and Dad?
DARIA: *Especially* Mom and Dad. No one at school, either. (To Jane.)
That goes for you, too, Kaczynski. Do we have a deal?
DARIA: Allll right then.
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. FRIDAY.
(Right away we hear--)
KEVIN'S VOICE: So, Daria, Quinn says you won the lottery!
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, HALLWAY.
(Daria and Jane are by their lockers. Kevin is with them.)
JANE: It seems your sister's mouth is already out flapping.
DARIA: And it's not even homeroom yet.
KEVIN: So Daria? There's like this private gym I've been wanting to go
to? And since you've got, like, money now? Could I maybe, like,
borrow some? Like maybe fifty bucks? Pay ya back, I swear!
DARIA: Mmmwellll.... okay. But I also get ten-percent interest.
KEVIN: (Thinks he's a clever negotiator.) Fifteen!
DARIA: Done. (Pulls Trent's envelope out of her backpack, counts off
some bills, hands them to Kevin.)
KEVIN: Hey, thanks, Daria! You're really cool! For, you know, an
(Kevin lumbers off. Daria and Jane turn and proceed down the hall in the
JANE: Aren't you taking a chance carrying all that around?
DARIA: Would you suggest leaving it at home where my Mom or Dad might
JANE: Okay, you win.
DARIA: It's just until I can hit the bank this weekend.
JANE: You know, the way you handled Kevin back there? Maybe you could
get a head start at a career in loan-sharking.
DARIA: I'm not really sure I want to be a loan shark. I don't think I'd
be very good at breaking people's legs.
JANE: (Evil smirk.) That's where *I* come in.
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, MR DEMARTINO'S CLASS.
(Mr DeMartino grips a mangled styrofoam cup of coffee, hand twitching.)
DEMARTINO: ...and SO, class, your assIGNment this weekend is to write an
essay on how wealth and power can CORRUPT an individual, citing
specific examples from this week's disCUSSION of 19th-century
millionaire capitalists, assuming any of you brain-dead little
slacker PUNKS were even paying atTENTION!!
(A little coffee spills over the edge of the cup as DeMartino shakes
with barely-controlled psychotic rage. He takes a sip.)
DARIA: (Raises her hand.) Excuse me.
DEMARTINO: (Evil smile.) Ah, the ever outspoken Miss Daria Morgendorffer
wishes to share something with us. GO AHEAD, Daria!
DARIA: Weren't the robber barons already corrupt *before* they obtained
their millions? Isn't that how they got them in the first place?
DEMARTINO: Ah, yes. On a reLATED note, some of you may be INTERESTED to
know our very own Daria here has won the LOTTery, and might
serve as an excellent firsthand REFerence for your project!
(Low half-whisper.) Daria, stand up so everyone can get a good
look at you.
(Betraying no emotion, Daria slowly stands, does a deliberately slow
little wave with one hand, then slides back into her seat.)
DEMARTINO: THANK you Daria, for that heartfelt and rousing exhibition.
AlTHOUGH, seeing as how you've just WON almost a THIRD of my
YEARLY SALARY, you might try showing us little enTHUSIASM for
once, instead of just SITting there in your usual HALF-
JANE: (To Daria.) *Half*-apathetic?
DARIA: Yeah. I don't even care enough to exhibit complete apathy.
(DeMartino takes another sip of coffee. Kevin and Brittany burst in,
startling him and making him spray the coffee in his mouth all over,
narrowly missing Daria in the front row as she raises her arms to
shield herself. Whatever Kevin and Brittany have been up to, their hair
is mussed up, clothes in disarray, Kevin's shoulder pads are turned the
wrong way, Brittany's shoes are on the wrong feet.)
JANE: Speaking of pathetic...
KEVIN: Sorry we're late, Mr D! You can start class now.
BRITTANY: Thanks for waiting for us!
DEMARTINO: (Chuckles evilly as the two head for their seats.) Heh, heh,
heh... lambs for the slaughter.
KEVIN: (Sits down.) No thanks, I just ate!
DEMARTINO: (Back to class.) Two pages minimum, typed so I can actually
READ it, and don't even THINK of putting everything in a
72-point font again... KEVIN!
(Kevin is staring into Brittany's eyes. Hearing his name startles him
back into reality.)
KEVIN: Umm... Saddam and Gomorrah?
DEMARTINO: Kevin, meet me later by the swimming pool when there aren't
any witnesses around.
KEVIN: Sure thing, Mr D!
DEMARTINO: (Wipes the froth from his mouth.) Now. Does anyone need
CLARIFICATION on anything you might have MISSED during one or
our many little interruptions, any ONE of which may very well
have given you the chance to relapse into your typical
(Daria raises her hand. Mr DeMartino sips from his coffee again, then
lowers the cup slightly, peers at Daria over the rim, and asks, in a
dangerously quiet voice, almost a whisper:)
DEMARTINO: What is it Daria?
DARIA: Have you ever tried decaf? I hear it's really not that bad.
(DeMartino's eye twitches spasmodically and he crushes the styrofoam cup,
sending hot coffee dripping down his forearm but not even wincing at the
pain. It's clear Daria has made the mistake of mouthing off when he's in
a particularly bad mood. Her eyes widen a bit as this realization
descends on her. Jane smiles a bit.)
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, DETENTION, 3:35pm.
(Daria is seated in detention, along with a few other students, most
notably Brittany and Robert [from "The New Kid"]. Ms Barch is in charge
of overseeing detentions today. Daria finishes up a crude sketch of
DeMartino in which is head is a steaming teakettle, puts it away and
opens up her copy of "Infinite Jest.")
BRITTANY: (Leans over to talk, twisting hair around her finger.) So,
Daria? What're you planning to do with all your lottery money?
DARIA: I was thinking of putting in a Jacuzzi.
(Reminded of her own shamefully Jacuzzi-less house, Brittany shuts up.
Daria smirks and gets back to her reading. From in the hallway, Jane
peeks around the doorframe, sees Barch instead of DeMartino and decides
it's safe to enter.)
JANE: (To Ms Barch.) Can I talk to Daria for a minute?
BARCH: Make it quick.
(Jane goes over to where Daria's sitting -- even in detention she's in
the very front row. Kevin pokes his head inside. Brittany spots him
and perks up.)
KEVIN: (To Ms Barch.) Can I talk to Brittany for a minute?
BARCH: Beat it, reprehensible pond-scum!
KEVIN: (Downcast.) Sooo-rry... (Ducks out, to Brittany's dismay.)
(Closeup of Daria and Jane. Jane leans against the desk beside the one
where Daria is sitting.)
JANE: She's a big ol' sack fulla jollies, isn't she?
DARIA: Beats DeMartino.
JANE: So. That mouth of yours has gotten you into trouble once again, eh?
DARIA: (Not looking up from her book.) Thanks, Mom.
JANE: You realize we're going to miss the start of our nine-hour TV
marathon now, don't you?
DARIA: (Now she looks up.) Ooh, I forgot about that. (Thinks of
something.) Hey, maybe I can get out of here.
(Daria stands, removes Trent's envelope from her backpack and walks up to
Ms Barch, who looks up from the papers she's grading. Side note: She has
two paper trays, one labelled "Girls" and one labelled "Evil Hellbeast
Chauvanist Pigs". All of the boys' papers bear bright red F's while all
of the girls' have "A+" on them.)
DARIA: Excuse me, I sort of have to go someplace now.
BARCH: Sorry, Daria. It's my job to keep everyone until 4:00... even
though that specimen of a *man* no doubt harrassed you into doing
whatever it was that got you here... (Reminded of men, Barch
frowns and clenches her hands into fists.)
DARIA: (Slips Barch a few bills from the envelope.) I'll make it worth
BARCH: Hmmm... well, I could use the money... that rotten deadbeat rat-
bastard's behind with his alimony this month... *again*! (Scoops
up the money before Daria can change her mind.) Sure, dear, you go
right ahead. Have fun!
(Daria heads for the door. Jane follows. In the back row, Robert and a
number of other boys stand and hesitantly approach Ms Barch's desk.)
ROBERT: I've got a twenty. Can I get out of here too?
BARCH: Siddown and shuddup before I personally castrate every last one
(Shock on the boys' faces, and they cover their groins.)
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, ROW OF LOCKERS
(Daria and Jane are walking together.)
JANE: Do you realize what you just did back there?
DARIA: Enlighten me.
JANE: You just bribed a teacher to get out of detention.
DARIA: You have a problem with that?
(Suddenly, the three J's run up and flock around Daria, like they
typically do with Quinn.)
JEFFY: Hi, Daria.
JAMIE: Remember me?
DARIA: (Rolls her eyes, it's another one of *these*...) Hey, Joey.
JAMIE: Actually it's Jam--... ah, hell, close enough. Can I borrow
JOEY: Can I borrow more money than Jamie?
JEFFY: Can I borrow the most?
DARIA: (Sighs.) And what, pray tell, would this money be used for?
JAMIE: Buying Quinn something nice. (Oops!) Uh, I mean--
(Daria gets a disgusted look on her face, shakes her head, turns and
walks away from them. Jane follows.)
JOEY: I told you it wouldn't work.
JEFFY: It would have if you two hadn't been around.
JAMIE: *Man* is she stuck-up!
JOEY: I'm glad Quinn's not like that.
(At these two remarks, Daria turns and gives them a glare. But just as
she's free from the three J's, Sandi comes up to her.)
SANDI: Umm, hello? Quinn's step-cousin twice-removed, or whatever?
JANE: Go away, we don't want any skin-care tips.
SANDI: (Glares at Jane, turns to Daria.) Quinn said you have like, lots
of money now. And that you were coming with us to the mall this
weekend? And that you were going to buy her some stuff there?
DARIA: Is there a point to this?
SANDI: So, like, I was wondering if you could bring along some extra for
me as well.
DARIA: (Disgusted at this audacity.) Good idea, you could buy yourself
a little more tact. (Turns to leave.)
SANDI: (Indignant.) It's Calvin Klein's Obsession, for your information.
(Realizes Daria is walking away.) Hey! Where are you going?
(Calls after her.) Snotty little rich-bitch!
(Cut to Daria and Jane walking down the hall. Daria is visibly angry.)
JANE: (Notices.) What's the matter? Since when do you care what people
say to you?
DARIA: It's not what they're saying. It's the fact that, aside from the
money, I haven't done anything different.
JANE: Funny, I don't recall you buying your way out of detention before.
DARIA: That's not what I meant. (Sighs.) Everyone's calling me stuck-
up because I blow them off with a little sarcasm and walk away.
Only that's *exactly* what I've been doing since I started going
to this school. Except now they all notice it because the money
I won has made me popular.
(Jane raises an eyebrow and gives her a curious look.)
DARIA: (Grudgingly.) Okay, less unpopular. But ever since I won it, it's
just reminded me of why I hate the popular crowd: "Hey, Daria, can
I borrow some money?" "Geez, Daria, why don't you act like you've
*won* something?" "Come to the mall with me, Daria, so I can spend
your prize on things that'll make me look better than my shallow
little friends." I'm really getting sick of it.
JANE: *Okay*, you've made your point.
DARIA: And if I can pay to get away from something stupid, why shouldn't I?
JANE: (Turns around, glances back the way they came.) Brace yourself.
Something stupid this way comes.
(Just then we hear--)
UPCHUCK'S VOICE: Oh, Dareeee-ahhhh!
JANE: Uh-oh. Sounds like the haunting mating call of the Great White Dork.
DARIA: (Squeezes her eyes shut.) I can't take this anymore.
UPCHUCK: (Approaches.) Ah, my sweet! Seeing as how both of us are now
filthy-rich, what do you say to the idea of a nice romantic
evening, just you and me?
DARIA: (To Jane.) Got a razor blade on you? I have this maddening urge
to slash my wrists.
(Daria and Jane continue walking away. Upchuck keeps pace beside Daria.)
UPCHUCK: Come, precious, there's no longer any need to be intimidated by
my wealth... Let's stop avoiding it, my dearest, we were *meant*
to be together!
DARIA: In my personal hell, maybe.
UPCHUCK: Or perhaps I could interest you in some higher-end duplicates
from my personal collection of fast-food premiums, since you
can now afford to pay collector's prices for them. (Digs in
his pocket, produces a sheet of paper.) Why, I just happen to
have a copy of my list right here!
DARIA: (Stops walking, warning tone.) I just happen to have pepper spray,
Upchuck, and I'm not afraid to use it.
UPCHUCK: (Aside, to Jane.) Ooooh-h-h-h-h, she's *feisty*! (Waggles his
fingers, repeatedly arches his eyebrows in anticipation.)
I *like* that!
(Upchuck draws closer, puts both hands on Daria's waist, but she instantly
pulls away and kicks him hard in the knee with those big Doc Martens stomper
boots. Upchuck drops to his knees, and Daria clubs him on the head with
her copy of "Infinite Jest" [and that's a *big* book, really capable of
doing some damage]. He completes his trip floorward. Mack and Jodie
arrive together and appraise Daria's work with considerable surprise.)
JANE: Damn smooth, Upchuck.
UPCHUCK: (Weakly.) I think I'm in loooove...
DARIA: (Angry.) Try that again and you'll be in traction.
(Daria walks away.)
UPCHUCK: (Weakly.) Feistyyyy...
JANE: (Explanatory, to Mack and Jodie.) She's... under a lot of stress.
(Calls after her.) Hey Daria, wait up!
(Jane goes to catch up with Daria.)
JODIE: (To Upchuck.) You okay?
(Upchuck gets to his feet and gazes after Daria with renewed
UPCHUCK: She *will* be mine!
MACK: If she doesn't kill you first.
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, 4:00pm
INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE.
(Daria and Jane rush in, grab the remote, click the TV on.)
ANNOUNCER: A radical feminist mother! A breast-fed baby boy!
A subsequent sex-harrassment suit against a six-week-old!
*This* is the shocking true story! This is... "Sick, Sad
JANE: *Whew*. Just made it.
(Daria and Jane sit back to watch.)
DARIA: And you said money couldn't get you happiness.
(...la la LA la la...)
(COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Daria whacking Upchuck over the head with her book.)
END ACT 2.
(COMMERCIAL: The most soul-satisfying four and a half minutes of your
life, with highlights ranging from bargain artery-clogging fast-food to a
cleaner that gets stains out so well someone couldn't help but write and
sing a little song about it, and maybe something for men's hair loss
that's also been shown to cause birth defects.)
BEGIN ACT 3.
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, LATE EVENING.
INT.: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM.
(Daria and Jane are still watching the "Sick, Sad World" marathon.
The interviewer lady with the blue outfit and the accent is holding a
microphone out to a man in a hospital bed with a thin bandage running
the entire length of his body, head to toe.)
INTERVIEWER: The question everyone wants to know is, what does it feel like
to have survived the world's largest paper-cut?
(Quinn enters with the Fashion Club in tow. They all wear outlandish
nightgowns that they obviously think are the height of fashion.)
SANDI: Umm, hello? Quinn's distant relative, or whatever...?
QUINN: So we're still on for the mall tomorrow, right?
DARIA: (Frowns at Quinn.) No way, you blew it.
QUINN: But... But you *promised*!
DARIA: And you agreed not to talk about my overnight climb to the
QUINN: C'monnnn, it'll be *fun*!
DARIA: You know perfectly well how I feel about having fun.
QUINN: Well if you don't I'll just tell Mom about all the money you won.
DARIA: (Sighs, knows when she's beaten.) Fine.
QUINN: Cool! Be ready to leave at 8:30, the mall doesn't open until
quarter after nine but we want to get there early so we can get a
good parking place in case it's windy so our hair doesn't get
blown around as much while we're walking from the car.
(Quinn and the girls retreat back upstairs. Jane notices Daria's upset
at this recent turn of events.)
JANE: C'mon, what's wrong? Quinn just gave you a great opportunity to
totally drive her bats.
DARIA: I can do that perfectly well right here, thank you very much.
JANE: You could utterly humiliate her in front of her friends.
DARIA: (Starting to give.) Well... I suppose observing the popular crowd
up close could give me some new things to hate about them.
JANE: (Claps Daria on the shoulder.) Atta girl, *that's* the spirit!
DARIA: So. I take it you'll be joining me?
JANE: Are you kidding?! Cooped up in a mall with those four? I'd go nuts!
EXT.: CRANBERRY COMMONS. SATURDAY.
BEGIN MUSIC-BACKED MONTAGE SEQUENCE.
The Fashion Club walking through the mall chatting. Daria follows a safe
Quinn and the Fashion Club looking at shoes. Pan to show Daria seated,
reading "Infinite Jest".
Daria and Quinn at a cash register, Daria giving Quinn money so she can
buy a large pile of clothes she's stacked on the counter. Quinn sees
the Fashion Club approach and hides Daria, shoving her into the
middle of a circular rack of jeans.
The five girls riding up the escalator, Daria reading her book.
Quinn and the Fashion Club admiring clothes in a window display. Pan to
show Daria window-shopping at Science World.
Daria holding up a hanger in each hand, one with a green jacket and one
with a black skirt, then deciding to pass and putting them back.
Quinn admiring herself in a three-way mirror, Daria behind giving her
Daria seated on a bench, reading her book, flipping back and forth quite
a bit. [If you've read it, you know what I'm talking about here.]
The five girls riding down the escalator, Daria reading her book.
Quinn, Staci, Tiffany and Sandi coming out of changing rooms in different
outfits, one after the other. Pan to the fifth changing room, from
which no one emerges. Quinn slides the curtain aside to show Daria
sitting inside, asleep, book in her lap. The Fashion Club frowns.
Daria taping a "shoplifter" sign to Quinn's back, smirking.
Daria handing over a wad of cash to Quinn, who hands it to a cashier.
The Fashion Club walking through the mall, opposite direction as before.
Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany all carry one or two shopping bags. Pan
to show Daria far behind, dragging five or six large bags, presumably
all Quinn's stuff.
FADE MUSIC, END MONTAGE SEQUENCE.
INT.: CRANBERRY COMMONS. FOOD COURT.
(From overhead, camera zooms in to show the Fashion Club seated around a
table eating. Daria is at another table in the corner by herself, still
STACY: After this, why don't we go over to Sound by the Pound?
QUINN: B-but... ummm...
SANDI: (Mock realization.) Oh, that's *right*! Last time Quinn got
busted shoplifting there!
TIFFANY: You don't have to come in with us, Quinn.
SANDI: That's right, you can just wait outside, if you're *afraid*.
QUINN: (Indignant.) I'm not afraid, Sandi! It's just that I don't
SANDI: (Interrupts.) That's okay, I'm not sure the Fashion Club should
be seen associating with a criminal anyway.
QUINN: (Hurt.) Wh... what do you *mean*?
(Following Sandi, the Fasion Club members -- except for Quinn -- get up and
move over to Daria's table.)
SANDI: Hey, Quinn's cousin. Mind if we sit down?
(When Daria doesn't answer, they take that as an invitation. As there are
only three empty chairs, Quinn is left behind at the other table, looking
unhappy and betrayed.)
SANDI: You know, you can talk to us, Darla. Unless your money makes you
like, too good for us or something.
DARIA: My name is *Daria*.
SANDI: (Icy.) As you wish. Daria.
STACY: You know, that book doesn't go with that jacket at *all*.
TIFFANY: (Not in an insulting tone, just asking.) Do you put your glasses
on *after* you dress every morning? Is that why you end up
wearing stuff like that? (Points at Daria's current attire.)
STACY: Quinn says you were like orphaned? That must've been terrible!
DARIA: (Deadpan.) I'm learning to bury the pain.
SANDI: You know, I bet you could make your hair bouncy if you just tried.
TIFFANY: Haven't you ever asked your aunt and uncle to get you contacts?
(Daria looks past them, sees Quinn crestfallen at the other table.)
SANDI: So. You'll come with us to Sound by the Pound, won't you? I mean,
I assume you listen to music like a *normal* person.
DARIA: Umm... I guess. (Can't take them anymore, stands.) You'll have to
excuse me for a second. I just need to hit the pharmacy and get a
refill on my Prozac.
STACY: (Calls to Quinn.) Your cousin's pretty cool, Quinn.
INT.: CRANBERRY COMMONS. FRONT ENTRANCE.
(Daria is at a pay phone, receiver in hand. She digs in her jacket pocket
and extracts some change.)
EXT.: LANE RESIDENCE.
(Sound of the phone ringing.)
INT.: TRENT'S ROOM.
(Trent is sprawled on his bed, asleep, holding his guitar. Jane, pallette
in hand, has an easel set up and is painting a picture of him. The phone,
on the floor, rings again. Trent doesn't stir. Jane tucks the paintbrush
behind her ear, lifts the phone receiver.)
INT.: CRANBERRY COMMONS. FRONT ENTRANCE.
DARIA: (On phone.) Thank God. I was afraid you might've been out
INT.: TRENT'S ROOM.
(Close-up of Jane and her incomplete painting of the narcoleptic Trent.)
JANE: Nope, just doin' a little still life here. (Wedges the receiver
between her neck and shoulder, plucks the brush from behind her
ear, continues painting.) So, how's life with the Narcissism
(SPLIT-SCREEN DIAGONAL, SHOWING DARIA AND JANE ON OPPOSITE ENDS.)
DARIA: I can't look away. It's like a really bloody car wreck, only much
uglier. I thought Quinn was the epitome of shallowness until I
started hanging around her friends.
JANE: I smell inspiration for one of your famous short stories.
DARIA: I don't suppose you'd want to come down here and help me through
JANE: Your instincts are correct. Besides, I can't get a ride. Trent's
in one of his comas.
DARIA: Okay, see ya. I'll try and ward off permanent psychosis by myself.
JANE: You go, girl.
(Jane hangs up. Return full-screen to Daria who also drops the receiver
back into place. Quinn comes up to her.)
QUINN: (Suspicious.) You weren't calling Mom and Dad, were you?
DARIA: No, just my pimp. (Beat.) Can we go home now?
QUINN: (Looks like she wants to.) That's up to Sandi, it's her car.
DARIA: You wanna know what I think?
DARIA: I think those friends of yours are a bad influence on you.
QUINN: No they're not! It's just... (Hesitates, deciding whether to open
up to her sister.) ...Just sometimes they make me feel like I have
to act a certain way around them and they talk me into doing things
I'd never *dream* of doing on my own.
DARIA: (Ponders this, comes to a realization.) You did it because of
them, didn't you?
DARIA: Your little klepto episode the other day. It was their idea,
QUINN: (Defensive.) No! (Beat.) Well, okay, maybe. All right, fine,
*yes*, what's your point?
DARIA: Nothing. (Acid frown.) Except nobody publicly humiliates my little
sister but me. (Close-up, Daria smiles.)
INT.: CRANBERRY COMMONS. OUTSIDE SOUND BY THE POUND.
(Quinn is seated on a bench. The rest of the Fashion Club enters, followed
by Daria, who stops, turns to Quinn.)
DARIA: Just let me handle this, sis.
(After the rotten day Quinn's had, she's in no mood to argue.)
INT.: SOUND BY THE POUND.
(The fashion club, sans Quinn, are flipping through CDs, as before.
Daria peers around, sees that no one is watching them, and inconspicuously
picks up some discs and drops one into each girl's shopping bag. She
then turns to the Fashion Club, who have some CDs picked out.)
DARIA: Here, want me to get those for you?
SANDI: Uh, sure.
TIFFANY: These too.
DARIA: You go on out. I'll be right there.
(The Fashion Club turns to leave. Daria heads for the cash register.)
TIFFANY: (To Sandi.) Maybe we should evoke[*] Quinn's membership and make
her cousin vice-president.
[*] Sic, that's the whole point.
SANDI: Perhaps. After a complete makeover, of course.
(The girls laugh. Daria watches from the register as they pass through
the entrance, setting off a high-pitched beeping alarm. All three girls
get panicked looks. The storekeeper notices and vacates the counter.
The same security guard as before arrives.)
OFFICER: Bags, please.
(The girls hand their shopping bags over. The officer roots through them
and finds the CDs Daria planted.)
OFFICER: Ladies, could you come with me?
(She escorts them away from the store.)
SANDI: B-but we didn't... (Calling.) Quinn! Quinn, tell her it was all
a mistake! Help us out here! Fashion Club members always stick
QUINN: (Stands up, calls back.) Sorry Sandi, but I really have to go to
(The officer drags the Fashion Club away. Daria, having left the other
CDs behind at the register, emerges from the store and smiles to Quinn,
who puts on the same smirk.)
EXT.: GROUNDS OF LAWNDALE HIGH. MONDAY.
(Daria and Jane are on the grass. Daria sits upright, still reading
"Infinite Jest". Jane is on her side, her elbow resting on her backpack.)
JANE: So you did something nice for your sister, huh?
DARIA: Don't remind me.
JANE: (Points to book.) What the hell is that thing *about*, anyway?
DARIA: A lot of things, actually. What we do for entertainment, how it
affects us. How we get addicted to it, how we try to placate
ourselves by getting caught up in consumer-frenzy. How we just
end up making ourselves more miserable than before.
JANE: Sounds right up your alley.
DARIA: I think you'd like it. The family in here is even more screwed up
JANE: (Grabs the book away from Daria.) We'll just see about that.
([See, if you'd read the book you'd get this part.] Jane starts reading.
Kevin wanders past from the football field, carrying a helmet.)
KEVIN: Hey, Daria. Just wanted to say thanks again for the loan. I
can't pay you back yet, but I will tomorrow, I swear!
DARIA: (Not convinced, but what can you do.) Whatever.
JANE: (Looks up from book.) And how was the exclusive gym club?
KEVIN: Oh, it was awesome! 'Specially the weight room! You should've
*seen* all the dumbbells they had there!
DARIA: I'll bet you fit--
JANE: (Interrupting, covers Daria's mouth with her hand.) Don't. Just
let it go. It's way too easy.
DARIA: (Removes Jane's hand from her mouth.) You're right, that wouldn't
KEVIN: (Looking back and forth between them, confused.) You two are
(Kevin looks around momentarily, forgets where he was going, and wanders
off back the way he first came.)
INT.: MORGENDORFFERS' LIVING ROOM. AFTERNOON, MONDAY.
(The doorbell rings, and Jake answers it, finds Trent standing there.)
JAKE: Hey, Trent! (Trying to be cool.) How's it hangin', dude?
TRENT: (Embarrassed for him.) Umm... hey, Mr M. Is Daria home?
JAKE: 'Fraid not. (Points a hand, inviting him in.) You're welcome to
stay until she gets back, though.
TRENT: That's okay, I'll just stop back later.
JAKE: Okay! Later, my man!
TRENT: Uh, yeah.
(Trent turns and leaves. Jake closes the door.)
(Daria and Quinn are walking home from school, Quinn a few steps behind.)
DARIA: Since when do *you* come straight home from school?
QUINN: Since the rest of the Fashion Club is grounded. (Pauses, then very
quietly:) Um, by the way thanks for what you did.
DARIA: Don't worry, it's not like I'm making a habit of being nice to you.
(Trent is opening his car door when Daria and Quinn walk up.)
DARIA: Hi Trent.
TRENT: Oh, hey, Daria.
(Quinn is watching with interest. Daria turns gives her a "get the hell
out of here" look.)
QUINN: I'll just be inside.
(She walks to the door, glancing back and Daria and Trent as she goes.)
TRENT: I just stopped by to pay you back. We had some good gigs over the
weekend. I would have done it earlier, except... you know...
DARIA: Fell asleep again, huh?
(Trent pulls out another envelope of money, gives it to Daria. Their
hands brush slightly again as she accepts it.)
DARIA: (Lowers her eyes, blushes just a bit.) Thanks.
TRENT: Say, Daria, I was wondering if... sometime, maybe you'd like to...
DARIA: (Looks up, urging him on.) Yessss...?
TRENT: If you'd like to come over and listen to Mystik Spiral practice.
You haven't heard us with the new amp yet.
DARIA: (More than a bit disappointed.) Umm... sure.
TRENT: How 'bout this Friday, 8:00?
TRENT: Cool. (Nods, smiles.) It's a date.
(Daria turns red at the word "date". Trent gets into his car.)
TRENT: See you then. Oh, and thanks again for the amp money. You're
the best, Daria.
(Trent starts his car and pulls away. Daria smiles, closes her eyes.)
INT.: MORGENDORFFERS' LIVING ROOM.
(The door opens and Daria enters to find Jake, Helen and Quinn standing
in front of one of the couches. Jake and Helen have their hands on their
hips and look displeased.)
HELEN: Daria, we need to talk.
JAKE: About your money, kiddo.
DARIA: (Surprised.) How did you--?
(Then she notices Quinn, arms crossed, a smug look on her face. Daria's
eyes narrow. Even after she did something for her, Quinn's ratted her out.)
EXT.: CHINESE RESTAURANT. LATE AFTERNOON/EARLY EVENING, TUESDAY.
INT.: CHINESE RESTAURANT.
(Daria and Jane are seated at a booth, empty plates scattered about their
tabletop. Jane is eating out of a bowl with chopsticks. Daria pours
herself some tea from a pot and takes a sip.)
DARIA: ...So after Mom gave me the standard responsibility lecture, my Dad
set me up a trust fund to hold the money for college. I didn't
bother to mention I'm taking it back out the day I turn eighteen.
JANE: (Puts chopsticks aside, points to a small cloth-covered basket on
Daria's side of the table.) You gonna eat that last rangoon?
DARIA: Knock yourself out.
(Jane pulls the basket her way.)
DARIA: I hope this place is okay. I don't dare eat any pizza for awhile.
Not while Quinn's working there.
DARIA: Yeah, my Mom's making her pay me back for all the clothes I bought
JANE: I suppose it'd be Fashion-Club suicide if she just took them back.
DARIA: Actually she was going to. (Beat.) Only I seem to have misplaced
all the receipts. (Hint of a smile at this.) It's amazing. The
instant my funds left, my popularity pool just kind of dried up.
JANE: Go figure. C'mon, you knew all along your money was way more
popular than you were.
DARIA: I'm just glad my life's back to being boring and sad again.
As opposed to shallow and boring and sad.
JANE: So what'd you get on your essay for DeMartino?
DARIA: The one about how wealth corrupts people? "A+". I think it was
my unique approach to the topic that won him over.
JANE: You paid him off, didn't you.
DARIA: I had to, seeing as how I spent the whole weekend at the mall.
I think citing myself as an example firsthand really impressed him.
JANE: (Smiling, shaking her head, mock disapproval.) Daria, Daria, Daria...
DARIA: One last binge before I quit for good.
JANE: (Sips tea.) Mm-hmm. So did Kevin ever pay you back?
DARIA: No, and I doubt he ever will.
JANE: (Punches one fist into her other hand.) Still need me to break his
legs? I'd do it for free, you know.
DARIA: Spoken like a true friend. No, I think somebody else has already
taken care of that.
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH FOOTBALL FIELD.
(Kevin, ducking, is trying to walk off the field, with Brittany latched
on top of his shoulders, punching his head.)
KEVIN: Oww! Oww!
BRITTANY: You spent all your money at the *gym* when you could have
helped me pay for my Jacuzzi?! Creep! Hi-YAAH! Take *that*!
(Brittany continues to pound Kevin.)
KEVIN: Owww! Ba-AAABE!!
INT.: CHINESE RESTAURANT.
(Daria and Jane, as before. Jane takes "Infinite Jest" out of her bag.)
JANE: By the way, here's this back. I couldn't follow it. (Pushes it over
to Daria's side of the table. Hands Daria a fortune cookie.) Here,
let's see what the future holds for us.
(Daria takes it. Jane breaks hers open.)
JANE: (Reading her fortune.) Ooh-la-la. "A budding romance is about
to blossom for you."
(At just that moment, Upchuck saunters up to Jane.)
UPCHUCK: Greetings, fair one! 'Tis I, your one true--
(Daria picks up "Infinite Jest" and brandishes it mock-menacingly.
Upchuck remembers what she did to him with it the last time.)
UPCHUCK: Aaahhh!! (Covers his head and runs away. Jane watches him go
JANE: Thanks a lot. You just ruined my one chance for eternal bliss.
DARIA: Don't mention it. (Cracks open her own fortune cookie, reads
the fortune.) Oh wonderful. Get a load of this. "You will find
great wealth in your immediate future." (Daria wads up the fortune.
Close-up of her face, an expressionless mask.) Yippee-skip.
(Cut to the door. Trent saunters in. Cut to Daria and Jane, who look
up. Daria's eyes widen a bit.)
JANE: (Holds up her fortune to Daria, waves it.) Trade ya.
(...la la LA la la...)
(CREDITS AND CUTE LITTLE RENDERINGS OF THE CHARACTERS.)
[Disclaimer: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV
Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc., and are used here
without permission for the purpose of fan fiction. I suppose if you
represent MTV's legal department you could sue, but think about it,
what's it really going to get you? I mean, *I* sure don't have any
money, and there's like fifty other people writing these fan stories,
so you might as well just live with it and maybe learn to appreciate
the fact that your show has such a loyal, dedicated legion of fans who
care enough to write things like this. Of course, you *could* just
hire us and that'd solve your problem nicely too.]
[This "Daria" fanfic story is copyright 1998 by C.E. Forman but may be
distributed freely in unaltered form to fans of "Daria" everywhere,
provided the author's name and e-mail address remain intact. Thank
you, and good night.]