GeoCitesSites.com

“Misfit Love”
by Danny Bronstein
trotsky@loop.com

Plot description: Daria strikes up a romance with a new student, Jared, who
starts out a lot like her but is actually not all he seems.
Classification: Daria

 

Scene 1: Lawndale High School, 1997-1998 semester (Daria's jr. year).
Principal Li is addressing a bunch of students, among which is Jared
Dorkowitz. Jared is a couple of inches taller than Daria, has light red hair,
kind of unshaven, glasses with square lenses, and wears jeans and a flannel
shirt. He speaks in a Southern accent.

Li: So to make sure no new Lawndale High student feels alienated, you will
each be taking a psychological exam.

Jared: Mayday, mayday. We're going down.

 

Scene 2: the psychiatric exam.

Ms. Manson: (showing Jared picture of 2 people talking): Now, Gerald...

Jared: Jared.

Ms. Manson: Sorry. Jared. What do you see in this picture, Gerald?

Jared: Um... a flaming car wreck.

Ms. Manson: That's not what's in the picture.

Jared: Well, I took a test like this before, and the doctor said it could
be anything I wanted.

Ms. Manson: This isn't that kind of test. It's a picture of 2 people
talking. What are they talking about?

Jared: They're talking about... a flaming car wreck.

(Ms. Manson frowns)

 

Scene 3: Mr. DiMartino's class.
Mr. D: Good MORNING, class. Welcome to U.S. History 11A. It seems
we have a new STUDENT, Jared DORKowitz.

(class laughs at the name. Jared scowls.)

Mr. D: We are going to begin a unit of the events leading up to the Civil
War. Now, can ANYBODY tell me about
the Know-Nothing Party and what it represented? Let's see... Kevin?

Kevin: Uhh... People who didn't know anything?

Mr. D: Please return to being part of that particular group, Kevin.

Kevin: OK.

Mr. D: Anyone else? (pause. Daria raises her hand)

Mr. D: Someone BESIDES Daria for a change? (Jared raises his hand)

Mr. D: Jared. Enlighten us.

Jared: The Know-Nothing Party was a US political party formed to restrict
immigration and exclude naturalized citizens and Roman Catholics from
politics. It won success in the 1854 election as the American Party, but split
two years later over the issue of slavery. Its name came from its members'
habit of saying they "knew nothing" of the movement.

Mr. D: Whoa. Bravo, JARED. Very good. Almost... suspiciously good.

Jane: (to Daria) Looks like you got a little competition, Daria.

 

Scene 4: Ms. Barch's science class.

Barch: (doing roll call) Davis.

(voice): Here.

Barch: Dorkowitz.

Jared: Here.

Barch: Oh, great. Another new male student. Jared, since you're new here,
why don't you stand up and tell us a little about yourself.

Jared: (standing up) Uh, well, OK...

Barch: Shut up, Jared. Sit down.

(class laughs)

Jared: Jeez, what's her problem?

Mack: Her husband left her 2 years ago. No guy has ever passed her class
since then.

Barch: Shut up, Mack. You just earned yourself double homework.

 

Scene 5: Hallway, during lunch. Jane and Daria are walking.

Jane: You go on ahead. I have to go to my locker. I'll catch up with you.

Daria: OK. (leaves)

(Jane is opening her locker, when suddenly a shadow covers her. Jane looks
at a tall, mean-looking girl with long black hair and really trendy clothes.)

Girl: Well, if it isn't Jane Lane. Miss me?

Jane: (sarcastically, unhappily) Heather Shannon. What a pleasant surprise.
How was L.A.?

Heather: I got expelled from school for vandalizing the auditorium. Also
they caught me in there with some guy. They seem to have really strict rules
about what you're allowed to do on campus. I was surprised... So, I see
you've finally got a friend. Are the 2 of you, uh... close?

Jane: Shouldn't you be throwing pig's blood on someone or something like
that?

Heather: Don't give me any ideas, Jane.

Jane: Go to hell, Heather.

Heather: Better watch your back, Jane. I'll see you around. (Pastes KICK ME
sign on Jane's back, leaves. Jane looks mad.)

 

Scene 6: Cafeteria. Daria and Jared are sitting together, talking.

Jared: Yeah, so I'm from Kentucky. This little town called Crimson Creek.

Daria: Crimson Creek? Sounds like a menstrual period or something.

Jared: Yeah, tell me about it. Where did you say you were from?

Daria: Highland.

Jared: Highland... Isn't that where they found all that uranium in the
drinking water?

Daria: That's the place.

Jane: (entering, sitting down) Yo.

Daria: Jared, this is Jane Lane. Jane, Jared Dorkowitz.

Jane: Hey.

Jared: Hey.

Jane: So where're you from?

Jared: Kentucky. Little town called Crimson Creek.

Jane: Sounds like a menstrual period or something.

(a pea bounces off Jane's head. Jane looks, sees Heather waving at her from
across cafeteria.)

Jane: God, I HATE her!

 

Scene 7: Hallway after school. Jared heads toward Mr. O'Neill's class.
there is a note on the door.

ATTENTION SELF-ESTEEM STUDENTS: DUE TO DR. MANSON'S
DISAPPEARANCE, CLASS HAS BEEN POSTPONED UNTIL FURTHER
NOTICE.

Jared: Oh, that's good.

Daria: (approaching) They made you take that class too?

Jared: Yeah, probably for being smart with the psychiatrist. It's like, I
don't even think I have really low self-esteem. I just have no esteem for
anyone else. You know what I mean?

(pause)

Daria: I'm going to walk home with Jane. You want to come along?

 

Scene 8: Daria, Jane and Jared are walking home. Jane doesn't look
particularly happy.

Jared: Did you see the one about animal maulings on home video?

Daria: Yeah, that one was cool. Did you see the one about the tallest pile
of seagull droppings?

Jared: Yeah. Did you see the one about cattle mutilations?

Jane: Uh, you know what? I think I know a shorter way home. You two go ahead.

Daria: Are you sure?

Jared: Yeah, I mean we're not trying to make you feel left out or anything.

Jane: No really, that's OK, go ahead.

Daria: Whatever.

Jared: Later.

(they leave)

Jane: Never seen her so happy.

(Heather drives by, yells, "LOSER!" Jane looks mad.)

 

Scene 9: A couple of days later, Ms. Barch's class.

Jodie: Hey Jane, where's Daria?

Jane: I don't know. I saw her today, and she's never late to class.

Jodie: (looking at clock) She's not the only one who's late. Where's Ms.
Barch?

(a substitute enters the class)

Sub: Good morning class. I'm Wanda, and I'll be your substitute. Sorry I'm
late. I was called in at the last minute.

Jodie: What happened to the teacher?

Wanda: I don't know. Nobody really knows. Now, let's take roll. (looks in
roll book) My god, look at these grades!Your teacher must really hate men.
There's no way that all the guys could be failing and all the girls are passing!

MEANWHILE...

(The boiler room. A door opens, it's Jared and Daria. And they're making out!)

Voice: Hey! What are you doing?

(Jared and Daria look, startled. It's Kevin and Brittany.)

Brittany: This is OUR spot! Get out of here!

Jared: Oops. Our bad.

Daria: Later.

(Jared and Daria leave.)

 

Part 2



Scene 1: Daria and Jane are talking on the phone.

Jane: You’re going out on a DATE?? Wow, that is so not like you.

Daria: Well, Jared’s different from other guys, Jane. This guy actually
doesn’t repulse me. I actually can’t see him in a jester outfit with his
head exploding. No other guy has made me feel that way about him.

Jane: What about Trent?

Daria: Well, I admit I had kind of a crush on him, but come on, remember
what you said. He was oblivious, right?

Jane: (kind of down) Yeah, I did say that, didn’t I?

Daria: So what are you going to do?

Jane: Oh, I’m just going to stay here and watch Sick Sad World.

Daria: Oh. OK.

 

Scene 2: Daria is heading for the door, ready for her date.

Helen: Have fun, Daria. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Daria: Relax, Mom. That’s Quinn’s job.

Jake: What do you mean?

Daria: Never mind.

(steps out, heads for Jared’s car.)

 

Scene 3: Daria and Jared sit in movie theater, watching movie. In what is a
replay of the opening theme sequence, everyone in the theater cracks up at
something onscreen, while Daria and Jared just look with straight faces.

MEANWHILE

Jane is sitting at home, bored, watching Sick Sad World. TV Reporter
is standing in a snowy little town.

Reporter: Crimson Creek, Kentucky.

(Jane’s eyes widen.)

Reporter: An ordinary small town with a population of 2,500. That is, until
last fall, when Crimson Creek High School became yet another in what is
now 3 schools destroyed by a figure known as the Homecoming Bomber.

(TV shows map of America with numbers: #1 in Texas, #2 in New England, and
#3 in Kentucky.)

Reporter’s voice: Wilson High School in Texas, Waterbury High School in
Connecticut, and Crimson Creek High School in Kentucky. These schools
all have one thing in common: They were each blown up on Homecoming
Night, with many fatalities, and the FBI is starting to believe that the same
person is behind them all.

(TV shows reporter again.)

Reporter: Nobody has a good picture of what the Homecoming Bomber looks
like yet, but people who think they saw him claim he has red hair.

Jane: Nah. There must be lots of redheads in Kentucky.

 

Scene 4: Jared and Daria are sitting on a hill overlooking Lawndale.

Jared: Daria?

Daria: Yeah?

Jared: Wouldn’t it be cool if Lawndale High blew up on Homecoming Night,
and all the popular people got killed?

 

Scene 5: Jared is driving on the highway, suddenly the car stalls and he
pulls over.

Jared: Uh-oh. I'm out of gas.

Daria: Jared, if you wanted to trick me into sex, you could at least have
tried something more original...

Jared: No, seriously. I filled the car up this morning, and now there's no
gas left. I wonder what happened. (hears dripping) Wait a minute.

(Jared looks under car, there is a hole in the gas tank)

Jared: Someone must have plugged a hole in the gas tank!

(Suddenly a car drives by, with Heather and some guy in it. Heather points
at them and laughs.)

Jared: That's it. I've had just about enough of her. Watch this.

(Jared picks up a rock and throws it as hard as he can. The rock hits
Heather's car's windshield dead on, cracking it. The car loses control,
flies off a cliff and explodes.)

Daria: Wow. I've never seen anyone do that.

Jared: Doubt anybody's gonna miss her.

Daria: I know Jane won't.

Jared: Let me tell you, it takes a lot of practice to pull that move off.

Daria: (suspicious) What do you mean?

Jared: Well, if you hit the windshield at just the right angle and at just
the right time, the driver will get scared, panic, and blindly drive into
something. It takes months of practice to hit the windshield dead on like that.

Daria: But what do you mean by practice? What do you do, throw rocks at
passing cars?

Jared: Well, yeah. Not much else to do in the tiny backwaters my parents
keep moving to.

Daria: Oh my god.

Jared: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're not into that. You look like the
kind of girl who'd go for all that death stuff.

Daria: What do you mean?

Jared: You know. One of those, what do they call them? Oh, yeah. Misery
chicks.

Daria: Get the hell away from me! (Runs)

Jared: Daria! Wait!

(After Jared runs after her, another car pulls up a bit farther up the
highway.)

Kevin: Uh-oh. I'm out of gas.

Brittany: But the fuel gauge says--

Kevin: Fuel gauge is broken, babe.

Brittany: Oh, pooh. On every date we go on, you run out of gas! Why is that?

Kevin: I don't know. But you know what we have to do to keep warm.

Brittany: Oh, OK. (Kevin and Brittany start making out, crawl into backseat.)

(Daria runs as fast as she can. Jared chases after her. He catches up to
her, grabs her jacket.)

Daria: Leave me alone! (kicks Jared in the groin, which makes him bend over
in pain. Then she kicks him in the head [wearing her combat boots!], knocking
him unconscious.)

(Daria continues running. She stops, looks down the cliff at the wreckage
of another car with the license plate MANHATR.)

Daria: He killed Ms. Barch! (Continues running.)

 

Scene 6: Daria is at a gas station phone. She calls her house, Quinn picks
up.

Quinn: Hello?

Daria: Quinn! Listen! I really need Mom or Dad to come...

Quinn: Daria, could you call back a little later? I'm on the other line and
the call is very important.

Daria: Quinn, wait!

Quinn: Bye. (CLICK) Hello? OK, Sandy, I'm back. Now, what did he look like?
Daria: Dammit. (Dials another number. Jane picks up.)

Jane: Hola.

Daria: Jane! It's me.

Jane: Daria? Hey, what happened with your little date?

Daria: Well, it went fine until he killed Heather--

Jane: Oh?

Daria: --And, as turns out, a bunch of other people who DIDN'T deserve to
die!

Jane: Oh.

Daria: Anyway, I really need someone to come pick me up.

Jane: Did you call your parents' house?

Daria: That didn't help. Quinn's on the phone on one of her "important
calls".

Jane: Whoa. That could take hours. Well, I guess I could send Trent.

Daria: Trent?

Jane: That's OK with you, right?

Daria: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Jane: Great. By the way, did Jared happen to mention blowing up the
Homecoming?

Daria: How did you--

Jane: I'll explain later.

 

Scene 7: Trent is driving Daria home.

Daria: Thanks for doing this, Trent.

Trent: No problem.

(Pause)

Daria: Trent, are we driving on an open highway near a cliff?

Trent: Yeah. Why?

(Daria looks behind her, sure enough, Jared's head pops up behind a boulder
in the distance.

Daria grabs Trent's guitar from the backseat.)

Daria: Brace yourself.

(A rock hits Trent's windshield, shattering it and blocking his view. Daria
smashes the guitar against the windshield, which puts a hole in it but gives
Trent a view of the road again. Trent swerves to avoid an oncoming
vehicle.)

Trent: What the hell was that?

Daria: I think my ex-boyfriend's trying to kill me.

Jared: (seeing car getting away) Dammit.

 

Scene 8: Trent drops Daria off at her house. Daria thanks him and goes
home. Then she calls Jane.

Jane: So let me get this straight. Jared, who as we now know is a psychotic
killer, is planning to blow up the school on Homecoming Night, and we
are the only ones who know about it and can stop him.

Daria: Yeah.

Jane: Well, to stop him, we're going to have to do the unthinkable.

Daria: You don't mean...

Jane: Yep. We're going to the Homecoming.



Part Three


Scene 1: Quinn's room. Quinn is rummaging through dresses in her closet.

Quinn: Uck! Too showy! Ugh! Not showy enough!

Daria: (entering) Hey Quinn. Going to the homecoming, I take it?

Quinn: Yes. And if you're going there with that... Canadian or whatever
you're going out with, you better not come anywhere near me, or else!

Daria: Or else what?

Quinn: Or else... I'll spread rumors about the two of you!

Daria: Relax, Quinn. Jared and I broke up. It turns out he's a psychotic
killer who's wanted in at least 3 states.

Quinn: Well, whatever. But if you're going, just stay away from me, OK?

Daria: Glad to know you care, Quinn.


Scene 2: Outside of Morgendorffer house, some time later. A limo pulls up.
Joey, Jeffy and Jamie get out. They're all wearing suits. They walk up to the
house and ring the bell. Quinn opens the door, and she's wearing this really
expensive, gorgeous, fashionable dress. Obviously she put a lot of effort
into this.

Quinn: Hey, Joey, Jeffy, ... Jacky. How do I look?

Joey: Great!

Jeffy: Amazing!

Jamie: I'm Jamie! ... Uh, hot!

Quinn: Thanks.

(the four of them enter the limo. The Fashion Club is in there. They also
are wearing flashy dresses.)

Stacy: Oh, My, God!!! Quinn, you look so cool!

Sandy: Very impressive. Huh, Tiffany?

Tiffany: You look nice, Quinn.

(The limo drives off. Trent's car pulls up. It's got a new windshield.
Trent honks the horn. Daria opens the door. She's wearing a black skirt,
white blouse, and those combat boots. She gets into the backseat with
Jane, who's wearing a long black dress and, of course, those boots of
hers. Neither of them are wearing makeup or anything.)

Jane: Wow. Nice. You ready to do this?

Daria: Yep. Let's go.

(They drive off.)



Scene 3: The front of Lawndale High. Trent stops, Jane and Daria get out.

Jane: Thanks for driving us, Trent.

Trent: No problem. Like, good luck, I guess.

Jane: Thanks.

Daria: Bye.

(Trent drives off. After a couple of blocks he stops, thinks for a moment,
and turns around.)


Scene 4: The homecoming. Jane and Daria look around.

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie are gathered around Quinn.

Joey: Hey, Quinn, dance with me!

Jeffy: No, Quinn, dance with me!

Jamie: No, dance with me, Quinn!

A bunch of people are dancing on the dance floor. A girl dancing with
Upchuck slaps him across the face.

Girl: Ugh, don't touch me there, you perv!

Jane: So, you really think this thing's worth saving?

Daria: Yeah. My sister is here. If she dies, I'd never forgive myself.

Jane: You wouldn't?

Daria: Like my parents would ever let me!

Jane: So, how do you think Jared's going to do this? Is he going to go in
here wearing one of those strap-on suicide bombs, or has he planted
one somewhere?

Daria: I'm guessing he's planted one.

Jane: How much time do you think we have?

Daria: Well, I'm guessing he's planning on setting it off during something
major.

Jane: Like what?

(Principal Li walks up to podium onstage.)

Li: Attention, students. The Homecoming King and Queen will be announced in
20 minutes.

Jane and Daria: BINGO!

Daria: So where do you think he's planted it?

Jane: I don't know. Is there anything under the gym?

Daria: (thinks for a moment) The make-out... uh, I mean, boiler room!

Jane: Did you almost call it the...

Daria: Shut up and come on!


Scene 5: The boiler room. Sure enough, Jared is in there, setting up a time
bomb. He's wearing all black. Kevin and Brittany are sitting, bound and
gagged, in a corner. Kevin's wearing a suit, Brittany
is wearing that orange gown she had in "This Year's Model".

Jane and Daria walk in.

Daria: Well I'll be damned. I was right.

Jane: Yep. Jared's setting up a time bomb. In the make-out room.

Daria: Shut up! (looks at Kevin and Brittany) What are they doing here?

Jared: Witnesses. They had the misfortune of coming in here.

Daria: Jared, uh, I can't let you do this.

Jared: Yeah? Go call someone who cares.

Daria: Like the cops?

Jared: (points a gun at them) I think not.

Jane: Now why didn't we think of that?

Daria: Could it be because we live in a relatively safe community where few
people actually own firearms?

Jane: Oh, yeah.

LATER

Daria and Jane are now sitting, tied up, next to Kevin and Brittany.

Jane: (whispering) Stall him. (digs into her boots)

Daria: So Jared. Why, exactly, are you doing this?

Jared: 'Cause I'm sick of being a freakin' misfit. You know how other
misfits only dream of blowing up their schools? Well, I know how to do
it! And at what better time than the Homecoming, when ALL the popular kids
show up? Why's that so wrong?

Jane: Um, because it's illegal and people die? (pulls small wire cutters
out of boots, nobody notices)

Jared: The people who die deserve to die! The popular people! The ones who
were put on this planet solely for the purpose of making us feel miserable!
The Heather Shannons of this world! You know, the ones who make
fun of your last name and give you wedgies in elementary school! The ones
who make fun of your last name and break into your locker and steal your
stuff in middle school! The ones who make fun of your last name and
socially isolate you in high school!

Daria: Wait a second. This is all because people make fun of your last
name, isn't it?

Jared: You think it's easy living with the last name DORKowitz? Everybody
calls me Dork Boy! And it's been even worse in places like this one,
outside the South! Seems we Southerners are considered rednecks and
dumb hicks. So how's a dumb hick with a stupid last name supposed to
survive socially? How?

Daria: By ignoring the insults, building up a wall of sarcasm, and not even
trying to follow social norms.

Jared: Yeah, well, that's your opinion. I prefer to just kill anyone who
pisses me off.

Daria: You're insane.

Jared: Ain't it cool?

Jane: Do your parents know you're doing this?

Jared: They would never figure out what I was up to! Let me tell you about
my family. My mom thinks she's a good parent, yet she's so preoccupied
with work that she never really pays attention to me. My dad is a vacant
moron. I could recite a riot-causing speech in a coffeehouse and he'd never
link it to me! Then there are my siblings. My older brother is this loser
country-star wannabe whose band will probably be doing Garth Brooks
covers for the rest of his life. Then I have this sister who can't get a
job in ANY country, a brother who will probably take forever trying to
divorce the three 16-year-olds he found himself married to after waking up from a
kegger, and a sister with 8 runaway kids that the private detectives she
hired will probably never find! So it's pretty safe to say that in this family
I can get away with building bombs.

Daria: (to Jane) Wow, you could just as easily have gone out with him.

Jared: Well, there's not that much time left, so this is probably where I
have to say, nice knowing ya. Later. (runs)

Daria: Not so fast.

(Jared turns around, it turns out that Daria's free. So is Jane, who has
the wire cutters in her hand. Daria runs toward Jared. Before he can draw
his gun, she kicks him, which knocks him over and the gun flies
out of his hand. Daria runs to grab the gun, but Jared grabs her leg and
she falls down. Daria and Jared scramble for the gun, Jared grabs it first,
rolls over, gets up and points it at her.)

Jared: Big mistake. Say your prayers, Misery Chi--(CLUNK!)

(Jared falls to the ground. Behind him is Trent with a crowbar.)

Trent: That's for my windshield.

Jane: Wow. Thanks, Trent. What are you doing here?

Trent: Figured you might need help.

Jane: Do Mom and Dad know you left the house?

Trent: No. Do they know you're taking the law into your own hands and
trying to apprehend a psychotic killer?

Jane: No.

Trent: I can keep a secret if you can.

Jane: OK.

Daria: Does anyone here know how to diffuse a time bomb? We have 10 minutes.

Jane: Sure. Just cut the green wire. It's always the green wire.

(Jane cuts the green wire with her cutters. The timer starts ticking down 3
times as fast.)

Daria: Oh, nice work.

Jane: Sorry. Come on, we have to get rid of this thing where it won't hurt
anybody!

(Jane takes the bomb and runs out with Daria. Trent hoists the unconscious
Jared over his shoulder and runs out. The three of them run through the gym
where the Homecoming is. Everyone screams and gets out of the
way. The three of them run outside.)

Jane: Well, what do we do with it? We have one minute left!

Daria: How about we throw it in the pool?

Jane: Better than nothing.

(Jane and Daria run to the swimming pool. Jane throws it in, then Jane,
Daria and Trent run for cover. The bomb explodes, sending water shooting
everywhere. All of the new bulletproof skylights get taken out. The
crowd of students and faculty that gathers to watch at that moment gets
drenched. Everybody glares at Daria and Jane, especially Principal Li,
who sure did pay a lot for those skylights.)


Scene 6: Police, firetrucks, etc. are at the scene. Jared, handcuffed, is
taken into police wagon.

Daria: Well, Jared, wherever it is they take you, I'm sure it will be for
the best. But I must know, if your plan was to blow up the school, why
were you interested in me?

Jared: I saw in you a mirror image of me, Daria. I thought we could be
partners.

Daria: And that's the difference between you and me, Jared. I don't
actually act out my murder fantasies.

Jared: They're probably going to put me away for life. You'll come visit
me, right? (Daria just looks at him) You don't have to if you don't want to.
Farewell, my sweet. (the wagon doors close)

Principal Li is being interviewed on the news.

Reporter: Principal Li, how do you feel about the fact that the notorious
Homecoming Bomber was apprehended on this very campus?

Li: Today's events shock me. In the future, we will be taking special
precautions to make sure it never happens again. (covers mike with her
hand) Um, is the school getting paid for this? We really need new skylights.

Daria and Jane are observing the interview.

Daria: Do you think Principal Li means any of what she is saying?

Jane: Nah. She cares too much about appearance to focus on extra security.
Can you imagine what a school event would look like with all these cops around?

Daria: I see.

Jane: So, after this experience, I take it you're going to avoid getting
involved with men for a while?

Daria: Yep. I never wanted a boyfriend in the first place, and I'm just
going to fly solo from here on.

Trent: (approaching) Hey Jane. Hey Daria.

Jane: Hey.

Daria: Hi.

Trent: The band and I are heading to Grungepalooza in Podunkville this
weekend. Want to come along?

Jane and Daria: Sure!

Trent: Great. (Walks away)

(Jodie approaches)

Jodie: Have you seen Kevin and Brittany? I still have to crown them
Homecoming King and Queen. (rolls eyes) For the third consecutive year.

As it turns out, Kevin and Brittany are still tied up in the Boiler Room,
alone.

Kevin: Mmm mmm MMM!

Brittany: Mmm mmm mmm! Mmm, MMM mmm mmm!


Scene 7: The McVicker Memorial Psychiatric Hospital in Highland. Jared is
sitting in a chair wearing a light blue jumpsuit, staring out the window. A
girl wearing the same jumpsuit, not bad-looking but with ruffled, unkempt
hair, sits next to him.

Girl: Hi. I'm Lisa.

Jared: I'm Jared.

Lisa: What are you in for?

Jared: I killed a bunch of people and blew up three schools during their
homecomings. I got caught trying to blow up one in Lawndale. What about you?

Lisa: Cattle mutilation.

Jared: You're the Kansas Cattle Mutilator? The one they talked about on
Sick Sad World?

Lisa: That's me. Wait a minute. You're the Homecoming Bomber, huh?

Jared: Yep.

Lisa: Wow. I tried to blow up my high school during the varsity football
game, but I got caught.

Jared: Why did you try to blow up your school?

Lisa: I was sick of everyone making fun of my last name.

Jared: They made fun of my last name too!

Lisa: What's your last name?

Jared: Dorkowitz.

Lisa: Not as bad as mine.

Jared: Why, what's yours?

(an orderly approaches them.)

Orderly: Jared Dorkowitz and Lisa... Bleujabbe? (pronounces it
Blue-Jab-BAY) Here are your class schedules. Report to your first
class in ten minutes. (hands them schedules, walks away)

Jared: Bleujabbe? What's wrong with that name?

Lisa: It's, uh... it's pronounced Blowjob.

Jared: You're kidding.

Lisa: Nope, that's my name. Lisa Blowjob.

Jared: Jesus. (looks at schedule) Aw man, Self Esteem?

Lisa: Relax, I can help you with it. I've taken that class six times.

Jared: Thanks. (they look at each other.)

Jared and Lisa walk down a hallway, holding hands.

Jared: Did you see the one about the tallest pile of seagull droppings?

Lisa: Yeah. Did you see the one about phone-sex EMS dispatchers?

Jared: Yeah. Did you see the one about g-string grandmas?


Scene 8. Daria and Jane are watching TV.

TV: This sunday, a world premiere movie event. "If Nerds Could Kill: The
Homecoming Bomber Story"! Starring Neil Patrick Harris as Jared, and
Tori Spelling as Daria.

Jane: (cracking up) Oh my God! Tori Spelling?! Aw, man!

Daria: Yep, I'm one lucky girl.