A DARIA PASTICHE BASED ON A DREAM
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman
<Caption on black screen: NINE YEARS AFTER THE THIRD SEASON...>
<Scene: Inside the living room of the Lane house, now home of TRENT and DARIA. The
of Mystic Spiral is coming from the basement. The phone is ringing. Enter DARIA.>
DARIA: <Answering phone> Hello?
HELEN: <On other end> Daria, this is your mother.
DARIA: Hi, Mom. Whats new on your end?
HELEN: We have terrible headaches.
DARIA: <Sarcastically> Gee, Mom, why dont you and Dad just take some
HELEN: Because the cause of our headaches is that noise that you and the rest of that
DARIA: Were three blocks away, Mom.
HELEN: I know. That electric harmonica you play carries way too far. Why did you waste
college education on building such an annoying thing?
DARIA: <Sarcastically> It was all part of my master plan to drive you and Dad
along with my marrying a neo-rock musician. The next step in my master plan is to take
HELEN: <Frustrated> Just turn down that racket before I call the police!
DARIA: OK, OK. You dont have to outdo Dad in bursting blood vessels.
<Scene: The Lane basement. No one is present, though the music of Mystic Spiral can
heard. Enter DARIA with a tiny spy camera.>
DARIA: <Presses her free hand against a wall> Queen of Brazil nu eta six.
<Hidden door opens
in front of her. She enters the opening.>
<Scene: A CIA top-secret laboratory. TRENT, JANE, and JESSE are working on
equipment. DARIA and TRENTs infant daughter LOIS is sleeping peacefully in a crib.
TRENT: What was that all about?
DARIA: Just my mother complaining about the noise. I think her response time is going
TRENT: Then were in trouble. Lois starts crying every time I turn the music off.
DARIA: Oh, Jesse, you left this upstairs. <Tosses the camera to Jesse> You ought
to be more
careful. We dont want our cover blown accidentally by the mail carrier.
<Mission: Impossible opening theme, graphics and text modified appropriately>
<Scene: The Lane top-secret laboratory. The same characters are present as before,
on the same stuff as before, except LOIS, who is sitting on TRENTs lap and
to music through headphones.>
DARIA: <Looking at printout being printed> Uh-oh.
JANE: People in Washington having trouble finding new idiots to sell my paintings to?
DARIA: Worse. Upchucks heading straight for Lawndale in his private plane.
According to this
flight plan he just filed, he should be here in a matter of hours.
JESSE: Isnt he supposed to be working for the Swiss now?
DARIA: Definitely. Im hoping hes gotten less ostentatious, but Im not
holding my breath.
TRENT: Are our standing orders concerning him still the same? I still have a guitar
with his name
on it for what he did the last time we had to deal with him.
DARIA: Who doesnt?
TRENT: Good one, Daria.
DARIA: This will probably be the biggest thing this CIA installation has had to deal
since this installation was created twenty years ago. As we all know, Upchuck has a long
of learning other peoples secrets and then selling them to their enemies. Some of
informants in Washington were recently uncovered, and they confessed to having sold
embarrassing information about the President to a masked man who called himself
which is believed to be an alias for Upchuck. As such, it is critical we apprehend him
divulges any information to his latest client. As usual, we have to maintain our cover as
JESSE: Bogus. I really wanted to bash him over the head with a guitar during a gig.
DARIA: Stick to reconnaissance, Jesse. Thats too risky. Our drummer got himself
killed the last
time he tried that.
TRENT: Itd be much safer to shoot him in the neck with an anesthetic dart and
then pose as
emergency medical technicians.
JANE: But it might make a good backup plan if hes still as good at staying
protected as hes been
before. He always sits near the entertainment at Chef Pierre, and we could make it look
JANE: And Lois does love the sound of instruments breaking.
DARIA: True. Ill take it under advisement. We definitely cant sick Beavis
and Butthead on him
<A series of clips showing the operatives preparing various pieces of equipment and
banging on a set of drums. In one clip Jesse is having trouble getting a machine to work,
kicks it, at which point it starts functioning>
<Scene: An airport. JESSE is hiding around the corner from a gate where people on an
flight will come through. Enter QUINN (dressed in black) passing JESSE and joining a group
people waiting for others to arrive.>
JESSE: <Speaking quietly into his watch> Mazola to Queen of Brazil.
DARIA: <Through watch> This is Queen of Brazil. Whats going on over there?
JESSE: <Into his watch> Im in position. Nothing unusual here but the
presence of your sister,
DARIA: <Through watch> Pea-Brain? Whats she doing there? Shes
supposed to have dropped
off the face of the Earth. <Sighs> There goes my chance for eternal happiness.
TRENT: <Through watch> So we have someone else to spy on when were done
with Pinhead. Is
Pinhead there yet?
JESSE: <Into his watch> Wait a minute.
<Enter UPCHUCK (dressed pretentiously), BRITTANY (dressed oddly conservatively), and
several unimportant people through the gate. UPCHUCK and BRITTANY stop in front of
UPCHUCK: Good to see you again, Quinn. Of course, you know my bodyguard Brittany.
QUINN: Hello, Charles, Brittany. Did you have a good flight?
UPCHUCK: A little turbulence, but I do like it when the sky is feisty.
QUINN: Shall we head straight to Chez Pierre to conduct business?
UPCHUCK: <As the three of them walk away> I think Ill go to the hotel
first. We can meet for
dinner at about, oh, seven?
<Exit UPCHUCK, BRITTANY, and QUINN.>
JESSE: <Into his watch> Oh no! Pinhead and Bubblehead just left with Pea-Brain.
No way well
get him alone over here.
DARIA: <Through watch> There goes plan A. Have Tiffany Duke return the limo and
two should return to Wonderland. Rooster and I will try to implement plan B. Prepare for
just in case.
<Scene: Inside the van, outside a hotel. DARIA and TRENT are looking through
locate UPCHUCKs room. LOIS is sleeping in a car seat.>
TRENT: I dont see them.
DARIA: A little to the left. Hes lying on the bed. He has a contented smile on
TRENT: I see him now. Room 506, Id say. Time to make the kill.
DARIA: Torture would suit him better. Whose turn is it to watch Lois during the raid?
TRENT: Mine. You going to climb up the side of the building and break through the
DARIA: Naah. Im taking the elevator.
<Scene: The lobby of the hotel, in which stand several angry maintenance personnel
Enter DARIA, who rings for the elevator and enters it.>
<Scene: Inside the elevator. DARIA presses the button for the fifth floor.>
DARIA: <Looking at the floor indicator> Uh-oh. <Into her watch> Queen of
Brazil to Rooster.
TRENT: <Through watch> Rooster here. Whats up?
DARIA: <Into her watch> The elevators stuck.
TRENT: <Through watch> Thats too bad. Now what?
DARIA: <Into her watch> Keep an eye on Pinhead and make sure he doesnt
escape. Im going to
use the emergency phone. If I dont report back in five minutes, call Mazola and
Tiffany Duke and
tell them to get over here.
TRENT: <Through watch> Sure thing, Queen of Brazil.
DARIA: <Picks up the emergency phone and speaks into it> Hello? Is anybody there?
voice: <Through phone> Front desk. What can I do for you?
DARIA: <Into phone> The elevators stuck, and Im in it.
voice: <Through phone> Hmm. This could take a while to fix. The maintenance
personnel are on
DARIA: <Into phone, groaning> How long will this take?
voice: <Through phone> Finding someone who can fix the elevator, sneaking
him-or-her past the
strikers, actual work... er, about three or four hours.
DARIA: <Through phone, groaning> I think Ill try some heroics. <Puts
down the phone. Climbs
to the top of the car, exits through the port in the top, climbs up the shaft, pushes open
and exits at the fifth floor. Then speaks into her watch.> Queen of Brazil to Rooster.
TRENT: <Through watch> Rooster here.
DARIA: <Moving, speaking into her watch> Im on the fifth floor. Whats
TRENT: <Through watch> Hes putting something together on the balcony
outside. Looks like a
kite or something.
DARIA: <Into her watch> What?
TRENT: <Through watch> Hes testing the air with a finger. Hes getting
on the ledge. Looks
like hes going to jump.
DARIA: <Into her watch> He must have acquired a new psychosis. <Reaches room
kicks open the door.> What the?
<The view rotates so that the audience can see UPCHUCK hand-gliding away from the
<DARIAs watch beeps.>
DARIA: <Into her watch> Go ahead.
TRENT: <Through watch> Pinheads flying. I havent seen anything this
weird in years.
<Scene: Chez Pierre. DARIA, TRENT, and JESSE are setting up their instruments.
(formerly the Fashion Club minus QUINN) are running around waiting on tables. Various
are sitting at the numerous tables. Enter QUINN, who is led by SANDI to the table nearest
QUINN: <To DARIA, as discreetly as possible> What are you doing here?
DARIA: Nice to see you too, Ms. Not-In-Lawndale-Since-She-Graduated. I joined a band.
Bands get paid money to play in front of people, such as in restaurants. It so happens
restaurant hired us to play here regularly, right after another restaurant paid us to come
drive all the customers away.
QUINN: Well, Ill pay you double what Chez Pierre is giving you if youll
just leave. I have a
meeting in a few minutes with an important business associate, and whenever youre
everything goes wrong!
DARIA: I hate to disappoint you, but you know I love to disappoint you, so Ill be
<Enter UPCHUCK, giving his now-folded-up hand-glider to STACY.>
DARIA: And if that charming man who just walked in is your business associate, I think
QUINN: <Seeing that UPCHUCK has entered the room> <Growls discretely>
UPCHUCK: <Approaching> Hello, feisty ladies! Are we, perhaps, having a cat-fight?
DARIA and QUINN: No.
UPCHUCK: Thats too bad. Shall we begin, Quinn? I have much to sell and, oh, so
<QUINN and UPCHUCK sit down and begin discussing business in Esperanto. TRENT
presses a button on the side of his custom guitar.>
<Scene: The attic above Chez Pierre. JANE is monitoring UPCHUCK and QUINNs
conversation below with sophisticated electronic equipment via headphones. LOIS is lying
portable baby chair and sleeping peacefully.>
JANE: What are they speaking down there? Anything they should know ought to be covered
the standard translation package.
BRITTANY: It doesnt matter. You ought to know better than to listen in on Mr.
JANE: All this is part of Mystic Spirals stereo system. Just making sure nothing
BRITTANY: Ive dealt with worse than you before. Nosy FBI agents, trying to entrap
my boss for
trivial reasons. Youre not going to get away with this alive!
JANE: Care to find out?
<JANE and BRITTANY fight, martial arts-style. LOIS is oblivious.>
<Scene: The dining room of Chez Pierre. The band is playing some sort of fusion of
heavy metal music.>
UPCHUCK: Excuse me for a minute. I just remembered that I have to make a quick phone
<TRENT discreetly presses a second button on the side of his guitar.>
<Scene: The attic. JANE and BRITTANY are still fighting. LOIS is still sleeping
JANE: <As a machine starts beeping> Uh-oh.
<BRITTANY takes advantage of the distraction to knock JANE unconscious.>
BRITTANY: <To LOIS> Time to go for a ride, little one. Mean old Auntie Jane and
wont dare hurt me and Mr. Ruttheimer as long as weve got you.
<Scene: The dining room. QUINN is sneaking out. The song is just finishing, and
his guitar on the floor.>
DARIA: Didnt I tell you not to do that? Were not paid so well we can afford
DARIA: Take five. Ill go see if theres a spare guitar in the van.
<Scene: The attic. Enter DARIA.>
DARIA: Whats going on up here? We were supposed to get a signal from you
you were going after Pinhead, and... <Sees JANE lying unconscious on the floor.>
happened? Are you OK? And wheres Lois?
JANE: <Weakly> Brittany. Go.
<Exit DARIA as fast as possible>
<Scene: The parking lot of Chez Pierre. UPCHUCK and BRITTANY, the latter carrying
are making a getaway. Enter DARIA behind them.>
DARIA: <Leveling a gun at UPCHUCKs head> Freeze. CIA. Youre under
UPCHUCK: <As he and BRITTANY turn around> Ooh, feisty. But I know that no mother
dare risk hitting her daughter.
DARIA: This is a new low, even for you. You know that the government wont let you
with this. Youll be hunted down by every agent between here and Japan.
UPCHUCK: Assuming they can shoot me without risking hitting your daughter Lois. Which
very unlikely. No one is that good a shot. And so Charles Ruttheimer the Third wins again.
<A shot is heard. UPCHUCK collapses unconscious on the pavement>
voice: I am that good a shot.
BRITTANY: <Putting LOIS carefully down on the pavement and then raising her
<QUINN walks into view. She has a gun leveled at BRITTANY.>
DARIA: What are you doing here? Arent you supposed to be working in a beauty
Jamaica or something?
QUINN: Im with the FBI.
DARIA: I didnt know they lowered their standards that far. Im with the CIA.
Too bad you had
to shoot him. In this condition we wont learn anything from him.
QUINN: It is a shame. If you hadnt been around, I might have gotten some
Switzerland from him before I took him into custody.
DARIA: What? He was a Swiss agent.
QUINN: He was a traitor to both sides. And your interference cost us making any use of
DARIA: How would you know anything like that? You couldnt reason your way through
QUINN: Im not as stupid as you think I am. I spent years manipulating both of our
you as well, which takes plenty of intelligence to do well. <Knocks BRITTANY
she tries to escape.> And as for you, you should have known better than to bring a baby
on a mission. If you hadnt made such a sloppy mistake, Upchuck and Brittany
wouldnt have had a
bargaining chip, and I might have gotten something out of him. Now hes going to
refuse to say
anything without twenty lawyers in the room! And its all your fault!
<Scene: DARIAs bedroom. DARIA screams, sitting bolt upright in bed, waking
from the dream.
She is shocked.>
DARIA: That was too weird to have been anywhere near real, even in Lawndale.
UPCHUCK: <Flying past DARIAs window on a hand-glider> Yeehaw!
La la la la la... la la la la la...