MY STUPID DATE WITH DESTINY
A "Daria"/"Beavis and Butt-Head" Crossover Fan Fiction Story
(Part of the "Daria: The OAV's" Series)
Peter W. Guerin (email@example.com)
and C.E. Forman (firstname.lastname@example.org)
With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Mike Judge, Tatsuo
Yoshida, Naoko Takeuchi and Bob Kane.
None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity within the "Daria: The OAV's" series, this story takes
place after the events depicted in "Outbitched".
All "Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are (c) 1993,
MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights
All "Speed Racer" characters are (c) 1967 Tatsunoko Productions/Yokino
Productions/K. Fujita Enterprises/Trans-Luxe Entertainment/Alan
Enterprises; copyright renewed 1999 Speed Racer Enterprises/CBS, Inc.,
successor in interest to Group W Distribution/Westinghouse Broadcasting
Company. All Rights Reserved.
All "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon" characters are (c) 1992, 1999 Naoko
Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co., Ltd./DIC Enterprises LP/
Seagull Entertainment, Inc./Program Exchange. All Rights Reserved.
All "Batman" characters are (c) 1939, 1999 DC Comics, a Time Warner
company. All Rights Reserved.
All "King of the Hill" characters are (c) 1997, 1999 Twentieth Century-Fox
Film Corporation, a News Corporation Company. All Rights Reserved.
"Plymouth" and "Fury" are registered trademarks of DaimlerChrysler
"Reese's Peanut Butter Cups" is a registered trademark of Hershey Foods
Beavis and Butt-Head are not role models. They're not even human.
They're cartoons. Some of the things they do would cause a person to
get hurt, expelled, arrested, possibly deported. To put it another way:
Don't try this at home.
ACT I--UP 6 3/4
(Man, I can't believe the Dow closed over 10,000!)
"You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play as the opening
sequence starts. At a movie theater, Daria is not laughing along with the
rest of the audience. At gym class, Daria lets the volleyball get past
her, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. In the
hallway, Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker. Daria gets out a
whistle and blows on it, causing Kevin to think it's time for practice.
Kevin and Brittany clear out, and Daria goes to her locker. At a football
game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets
the volleyball get past her, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile
looks at her again. At a wedding, the bride files past the
Morgendorffers; pan to the left to show Helen, Quinn and Jake crying,
while Daria calmly picks up a newspaper with the headline "MAYOR
INDICTED" on the front page. Finally, at gym class again, Stacy and
Tiffany collide trying to get the volleyball. They fall unconscious to
the floor as Daria lets the volleyball get past her again. Close-up of
Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on a
yellow background, below which is the caption "in: 'My Stupid Date with
Destiny'". Fade to black to show the caption "Featuring a Special Guest
Appearance by. . ." in white "Daria" script as we hear Beavis and
Butt-Head's familiar laughter kick in, followed by the "Beavis and
Butt-Head" theme music; fade into the "Beavis and Butt-Head" logo.
Scene 1: The social studies class of Anthony DeMartino at Lawndale High
School, 3:15 PM Friday.
(We see DeMartino standing in front of the class, about to deliver some
DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) And SO, the Ayatollah
KHOMEINI ordered some UNIVERSITY STUDENTS to storm the American
EMBASSY and take the people there HOSTAGE! This went ON for 444
DAYS and led to Jimmy CARTER losing to Ronald REAGAN in the 1980
Presidential ELECTION! (Bell rings.) Don't FORGET, you CRETINS, to
finish reading the CHAPTER, and prepare YOURSELF for the big TEST after
you return from spring VACATION! HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!
(We now cut to the students. We see Daria Morgendorffer, who slowly gets
up and picks up the cane she's been using since she got out of the
hospital after recovering from the beating Sandi gave her in "Outbitched".
Jane Lane, who's at the next desk over from her, gets up to assist Daria.)
Jane: Whoa, easy there, Daria! You know the doctor said not to overdo
it. If you push yourself too much, it'll just take that much longer for
you to get rid of that limp.*
*Daria was left with that limp after the events of "Outbitched"
Daria: Jane, I'm all right. (She proceeds to walk, but then halts in a
gasp of pain as she rubs her left leg.)
Jane: Here, at least let me carry your backpack. (She takes it from
Daria before she can seriously object.)
Daria: I am not exactly helpless here!
(They begin to walk out to the hallway. Stacy Nibblet, former member of
the Fashion Club,* and now Daria and Jane's friend, now approaches with
Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister. Stacy is wearing a faded T-shirt,
baggy jeans, and Vans sneakers; her hair is also down and is wearing
*Stacy resigned from the Fashion Club in "Karen Carpenter Blues".
Stacy: Hi, Daria, Jane.
Daria: Hi, Stacy.
Stacy: Need some help there?
Daria: I don't know what's the big deal here. (She winces in pain again
and has to sit down and rub her leg.)
Quinn: Here, Daria, let me rub that real good for you. (She takes off
the Doc Martens boot from Daria's left leg, and the sock with it. She
now begins to rub the calf of her leg.)
Daria: Ah, yes, that feels better.
(The Three J's--Jeffy, Joey and Jamie, now approach.)
Jamie: Hi, Quinn, Daria, Jane, Stacy.
Joey: Yeah, hi.
Quinn: Hi, you guys!
Jamie: Daria, are you all right?
Daria: Yeah, I'm fine.
Quinn: Daria's been pushing herself too hard again. Gotta look out for
my big sister here.
Jeffy and Joey: Sister?
Jamie: Dummy up, guys! Didn't Quinn tell you the truth by now?*
*The rest of the school found out about Daria and Quinn's relationship
in "Outbitched". Relative-ly Speaking Peter.
Jeffy and Joey: Uh, no.
Quinn: Don't worry, Daria, I called Trent and he's going to pick you and
(Daria blushes with embarrassment.)
Quinn: Stacy and I are going along for the ride as well.
Daria: Quinn, isn't there an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club or
something you have to go to?
Quinn: Nah, Candy's canceled it. She had to go to a photo shoot for
*Candy Kaine was elected as the new president of the Fashion Club in
(We now see Sandi Griffin, the ex-president of the Fashion Club, walk by.)
Sandi: (In a Ritalin stupor.) I'm OK. You're OK. Daria is not my
*Sandi was put on Ritalin near the end of "Outbitched".
Stacy: (Seeing Sandi.) Man, I feel real sorry for Sandi. She was on top
of the world, now she's been reduced to this.
Daria: That's what happens when you let anger and hatred consume you.
Sandi: (Seeing Daria.) Oh, my God! What have I done to her! (She runs
down the hallway, crying.)
Quinn: I'd better see if Trent's here. (She goes down the hallway
Jane: Man, ever since Sandi nearly bludgeoned you to death with that
baseball bat, Quinn's been a changed person.
Daria: Tell me about it. She's been taking care of all my needs ever
since I came home from the hospital. I think she may be trying to make
up for what she did in the past. Not only that, so are my parents.
Jane: You mean Jake and Helen are actually worried for their "kiddo"?
(Quinn returns with Trent.)
Trent: Hey, Janey, Daria, Stacy.
All three: Hi.
Trent: Ready to go home, Daria?
Daria: Sure. (Trent now stoops down, and gingerly picks up Daria.) Hey!
What's the meaning of that, Trent?
Trent: You heard the doctor; he wants you off your feet as much as
possible so you have a better shot of healing up.
(DeMartino now passes. He recognizes Trent.)
DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out again.) Ah, Trent Lane, I
PRESUME! I REMEMBER when you were in my CLASS! Mainly,
you slept through MOST of THEM!*
*In C.E. Forman's "All Washed Up", it was revealed that DeMartino was
Trent's social studies teacher.--Prof. Peter.
Trent: Nice to meet you again, too, Mr. D.
DeMartino: Anyway, Daria, I didn't KNOW you were in LOVE with
Jane: Hey, Mr. D! For your information, there's going to be some A&R
people from Warner Bros. coming soon*, and Mystik Spiral's thinking
of playing for them. They just might walk away with a contract.
*I hinted at that in "Outbitched", and they will pay a visit in my
upcoming story "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge".
--Rock and Rollin' Peter.
DeMartino: Oh, big DEAL! Once again, it just proves how UNFAIR it
is here in AMERICA that some dummy rock STAR can make more
MONEY in a single concert than a TEACHER does in a YEAR!
Quinn: Uh, I guess we'd better be going. Mom and Dad might get worried.
Daria: Yeah. (They now go, leaving DeMartino alone. Now, however,
Angela Li, the principal, approaches.)
Li: Mr. DeMartino, you really have to control that temper of yours! You
want to wind up back at Brookside Rest Home again?*
*In "The Daria Database", it was revealed that DeMartino spent some time
there after he assaulted Kevin.--Looney Tunes Peter.
DeMartino: Who asked YOU, Ms. LI?!?!?!?!?!?
(Li actually flinches, and runs away in terror with a loud "AAAAA!").
Scene 2: The Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale,
3:30 PM Friday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from
"Lightning Crashes" by Live.
(Show a shot of the exterior, then cut to Trent's Plymouth(tm) Fury(r)
beginning to pull up to the driveway. Daria, Quinn, Jane, Trent and Stacy
now exit the car. Trent picks up Daria again; she blushes. Quinn runs up
to the door and gets it for them while Stacy carries the cane.)
Quinn: Mooooom! Daaaaad! We're home!
(Cut to a shot of Jake Morgendorffer putting his paper down and going
to the others.)
Jake: (To Daria.) Hey, kiddo! How was your day?
Jake: And how are the rest of you?
Quinn: OK, Dad.
Jane: Fine, Jake.
Trent: OK, Mr. M.
Stacy: Fine, Mr. Morgendorffer.
(Helen now enters, wearing the blue power suit she bought in
Helen: Why, hello, Daria. (Looking at her and Trent.) AWWWW, isn't
that sweet? Trent's carried you in so you wouldn't tax your limp any
(Daria blushes yet again! Jane smirks, while Quinn and Stacy giggle.)
Daria: Trent, put me down now!
Trent: OK, Daria. (He does so. Daria grabs the cane from Stacy.)
(Suddenly, the doorbell rings.)
Jake: I've got it, honey. (He opens the door, and we see it's Andrea
Hecuba, the Goth girl.)
Andrea: Hey, is Daria home?
Jake: She just came in. What's up?
Andrea: Got more of my comic strips for her.*
*Read some of Andrea's strips in "The Daria Database".--Peter Schulz.
Jake: Oh, OK. (To Daria.) Daria, your friend Andrea is here.
Daria: Send her in, Dad.
(Andrea steps in.)
Andrea: Nice place you have here.
Jake: Uh, thanks. Just a few months ago, we had the Sugarbakers
Interior Decorating Service redo the place.*
*That happened in "The Prepaid Phone Card Call of Tommy Sherman".
Daria: Uh, guys, why don't we take this act upstairs to my room?
Helen: Daria, are you sure that's all right?
Daria: Mom, Trent and I are not going to have a wild orgy up there.
Helen: No, I meant that's so many people up in that room of yours, what
with all the clutter.
Daria: They'll manage.
(Jane, Quinn, Trent, Stacy and Andrea smirk.)
Jake: Come on, Helen; it isn't like they were planning some debauchery
Helen: Jake, if I want your opinion on how to raise our daughters, I'll
ask for it!
Jake: (Meekly.) Yes, dear. I'll go back to reading my paper.
(Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers again as she and the others
head up the stairs.)
Scene 3: Daria's bedroom, 3:45 PM Friday. Background music: The opening
horns of "Gangster Tripping" by Fatboy Slim.
(Daria is sitting on her bed, letting her tired feet soak in a hot foot
bath. Trent is sitting backwards in a chair, while Quinn, Jane, Stacy and
Andrea are sitting on the floor.)
Jane: That feels good, doesn't it, Daria?
Daria: Yeah, it does.
Trent: Man, I'm amazed how you've bounced back from what happened to you,
Daria: Well, I've been through worse.
Jane: Speaking of which, I think it's time you told us about how you
first met those two idiots, Beavis and Butt-Head.
Quinn: EWWWW! Those two! I couldn't stand them!
Daria: (Sighing.) Oh, all right. When I was three years old, we were
living in North Tarrytown, New York, when Mom got an offer from
the Darlington and Smith Law Firm in Highland, Texas to join their firm.
We moved over there, and two years later, I started kindergarten.* I
remember that first day at kindergarten vividly, perhaps too vividly.
*This information is available from my "Timeline for 'Daria: The OAV's'",
available exclusively at the Mark Zero Fan Fiction Web site
(Misty dissolve to Highland, Texas, about 1986 or so. We see a younger
Jake driving in a station wagon, with a young Daria and a young Quinn in
the back seat. "Celebrate Youth" by Rick Springfield plays in the station
Jake: (Stupid enthusiastic grin.) Gosh, your first day of school already!
Isn't this exciting, kiddo?
(Close-up of young Daria. Not a hint of enthusiasm, anxiety, or any other
emotion is evident in her face.)
Jake: (Looks misty-eyed for a moment, smiles) My little girls are
growing up so fast... Just think, in another ten years or so you'll have
to start thinking about college-- (His smile gradually transforms into a
rage- filled scowl, grip tightening on the steering wheel.) --landing a
job, going to WORK every day, watching your ONE CHANCE to be free in life
slip through your fingers because your FATHER SHIPPED YOU AWAY TO MILITARY
SCHOOL INSTEAD OF LETTING YOU GO OFF TO SUMMER CAMP WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!
(Beat. He instantly brightens.) Oh, sorry your mom had to be at work
early today, Daria, I know she really wanted to see you off--
(Daria unbuckles her belt, reaches up front, turns the radio way up, and
Jake: (Surprised.) Oh! Uh... (Fumbles with the radio, gets it back
down.) Anyway, like I was saying--
Quinn: (Whiny, pouty.) How come Daria gets to go to school and I don't?!
Jake: Now, sweetie, Daria's older so she gets to do a lot of things
first, like going to school and making friends...
(Jake pulls up near the edge of the playground at Highland Grade School
and lets Daria out. A group of kids comes running to investigate.)
Daria: (Quietly, to kids.) Hi.
(While some of the kids are Daria's age, several are in 5th or 6th grade,
and these older ones immediately zero in on the three-year-old Quinn in
the back seat.)
6th Grade Girl: Aww, look at the little girl back here!
Another: Isn't she *cute*?! She's the *cutest*!
Quinn: (Smiles at them, just *absorbing* all the attention.) Hi, I'm
Quinn! I get to go to school in another year!
(Ignored by the other girls, Daria wanders off.)
Jake: (Calls after her.) Pick ya up around noon, kiddo!
(Daria passes several other groups of kids -- jumping rope, playing
hopscotch, drawing on the asphalt with chalk -- none of whom shows the
slightest interest in her. Finally she finds the shade of a tree and
just sits down to rest quietly, until she hears:)
Voice: Huh huh. Uh huhhuh, huh huh.
Another: Hehheh. M-hehheh heh, hehheh.
(Daria turns and looks. Behind her two boys her age are trying to
catch a frog, which is trying desperately to escape them. The dark-haired
one holds a baseball bat, the blond one a pizza cutter. We immediately
recognize them as Beavis and Butt-Head, and aside from being five years
old they look exactly as they always have -- same hair, same expressions,
Young Butt-Head: (Kneels by a bush, where the frog is trying to hide.)
Huhhuh. C'mere, Froggy. Huh-huh.
Young Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. "Go, Froggy, go!"* Hehheh, eh-hehheh heh!
*If anyone out there actually gets this reference, PLEASE let me know.
Butt-Head: (Doesn't get it either.) Uhhh... *what*?
Beavis: Ummm... hehheh. I forgot. Mheh.
Daria: (Intrigued, in some twisted way. Stands, goes over to them.)
What are you guys doing?
(Both boys turn and look up at the newcomer.)
Butt-Head: Uh... we were gonna like, play some frog baseball. Huhhuh.
Except now Froggy doesn't wanna play.
Beavis: Yeah, mhehheh. Froggy's a bunghole! Hehheh.
Daria: (Beat. Deadpan.) "Frog baseball"?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Hehheh. It's just like regular baseball, 'cept you
use a frog 'stead of a ball. Hehheh, it's cool!
Butt-Head: You can like, join us if you want. Huh-huh.
Beavis: Yeah, hehheh. (Counts off on his fingers.) Heh heh, we've
Played frog baseball, and mouse baseball, and... um... baby bird baseball,
mehheh heh hehheh. And we were even gonna play teacher baseball once?
Only she caught us and took the bat away. Heh-hehheh, heh.
Butt-Head: Huh huh, that sucked! Huh-huh.
Trent: (VO, from present.) You okay, Daria?
(Misty dissolve back to the present. Daria and company in the bedroom, as
Daria: (Looks curiously from face to concerned face.) Yeah, I'm fine.
Why wouldn't I be?
Trent: You're shaking, that's all.
(Daria looks down, and sure enough, Trent's right, her hands are
Daria: (Didn't even realize it.) Oh. Just... after what happened with
Sandi... all this talk about hitting things with a baseball bat...
(Trent moves to sit beside her on the bed, puts a comforting hand on her
shoulder. Jane, of course, has to restrain her delight at this.)
Trent: You don't have to tell us all this if you don't want to, Daria.
Daria: N-no, no, it's okay. I think it helps just talking about it.
(Sighs.) Besides, those two never actually hurt me. They were too stupid
to be really dangerous. Unlike... some people...
(She winces a little at the painful memories. Misty dissolve back to
Highland, 1986. Daria is still with the boys by the bush, as they look
for the frog. Suddenly a broken-down green car screeches to a stop, the
driver staring at the trio through the chain link fence.)
Todd: Hey, girls! Gotcher milk money today?
Butt-Head: Uhh-huhhuh, like, good morning, sir! Huhhuh.
Beavis: Yeah, hehheh, heyhow'sitgoin'? Hehheh.
Todd: (Gets out of the car, approaches the fence menacingly.) I asked
you a *question*, punks. Now are you gonna give me your milk money, or do
I have to come around this fence and kick your little weaselly asses and
*take* it from you?
Beavis: Oh, ohyeah! Hehheh. (Quickly digs in his pocket, produces the
money, which he hands Todd through the fence. Ditto Butt-Head.) Sorry
'bout that, sir! M-hehheh. It won't happen again.
Todd: (Takes the money, then grabs each of their arms and pulls them up
against the fence.) You just see that it doesn't, dorks! (Notices Daria
standing with them.) Hey, who's your little girlfriend there?
Butt-Head: Oh, that's... uh... (Realizes he doesn't know her name.)
Beavis: Mhehheh, she's cool! She's gonna like, help us find Froggy, an'
then we're gonna play frog baseball, heh heh-hehheh, it's gonna kick ass!
(Beat. Too stupid to be afraid as Todd stares him down.) Hehheh, wanna
play baseball with us, Todd? Heh-heh.
(Todd lets go of B&B, who pull their arms back through the fence, rub
Todd: (Kneels down to Daria's height.) Hey, sweetheart. You wanna take
a ride with me sometime?
Daria: (Beat. Eyes narrow.) Excuse me?
Todd: You just lemme know when you've had your fill of *these* losers.
(Climbs back in his car.) See you twerps later, man. And bring more
money next time!
(Todd peels away. Daria coughs from the exhaust. Beavis and Butt-Head
stare after Todd in awe and admiration.)
Daria: Who was that?
Butt-Head: (In awe.) That's *Todd*, huh-huh.
Beavis: Yeah, m-hehheh, he just got a car, and he's in a gang, and he
likes to beat the crap out of people! Hehheh. 'Specially us.
Daria: (Close-up, thought VO.) Only an idiot would want to be around
(Pan to Beavis and Butt-Head.)
Butt-Head: Huh-huh, Todd is *cool*! Huh huh.
Beavis: YEAH, hehhehmheh, Todd RULES! Heh-heh! Maybe he'll let us join
his gang someday!
Scene 4: Highland Grade School, Kindergarten Classroom, 8:30 AM
Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "School's Out" by
(The class is seated in a circle as the teacher passes out name tags.
Daria sits beside Beavis, who's next to Butt-Head.)
Butt-Head: (Looking around the room.) Huhhuh, uh... Beavis? I think
school's gonna suck.
Beavis: (Same.) Yeah, really, heh-heh. It's like, where's the TV?
Daria: We're here to learn things, not watch TV.
Beavis: Yeah, but it's like, how're you s'posed to do anything *without*
TV? Heh heh.
(Cut from them to the teacher.)
Teacher: (Highly skeptical as she reads a name tag.) "BUTT-Head"??
Butt-Head: Yeah, uhhuh-huh, huhhuh. My first name's "Butt". Huhhuh!
And my last name's "Head"! Uhhuhhuh, huhhuh! "Head."
Beavis: Mhehheh, I'm Beavis! Hehheh. (To no one in particular.) I like
to set stuff on fire! Heh, heh-hehhehheh, hm-heh. (Takes a lighter from
his pocket, flicks it a few times, stares into the flame.) M-hehheh, FIRE,
(Alarmed, the teacher snatches the lighter out of his hands.)
Beavis: (Angry.) Hey, HEY! Give it back, fartknocker! Hehheh. I'll
kick your ass! Heh, heh-hehheh.
Teacher: (Reads the next name tag.) "Daria"--
Butt-Head: (Beat.) Huhhuh... Uh huhhuh, huh-huh, uhhuhhuh huhhuh!
Teacher: (Stumbles over the last name.) Morning--... Morg--...
Daria: (Just a hint of irritation, she's been through this before.)
Butt-Head: Uhhuhhuh, huh-uhhuh, huh huh!
Beavis: What? What's so funny, Butt-Head, c'mon, tell me!
Butt-Head: (Points to Daria.) Huhhuh, the teacher just called her
Beavis: Um... Oh yeah, yeah I think she did! M-hehheh, hehhehheh-m-
hehheh, mheh, diarrhea! Heh, m-hehheh-heh, hehheh!
(Beavis makes a noise like diarrhea while Butt-Head laughs. Daria sighs.
An organ interlude can be heard as Janet Wygal sings "Excuse me! Excuse
me!" as we see a widescreen version of the clip of young Daria and young
Quinn in the back of the station wagon in slow-motion and in a purple tint
with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1
Announcer: On an all-new season of "The Real World", we put the world's
most hated despots in an apartment in the Bronx! See how they have to
cope with the day-to-day terror of New York City's toughest borough
without their bodyguards!
(Show a shot of a run-down apartment somewhere in the South Bronx.
We see Libyan president Muammar Qaddafi, Iraqi president Saddam
Hussein, Yugoslavian president Slobodan Molosevic, Iranian Ayatollah
Khamenei and former Indonesian president Suharto hanging out in the
Khamenei: Slobodan, it's your turn to do the dishes today!
Molosevic: No way! I did them last night!
Suharto: No, I did them last night! You did them six days ago.
Molosevic: I can easily re-deploy my troops from Kosovo to here and have
them blow you away, Suharto!
(We now see a bloodied-up North Korean president Kim Jong Il enter.)
Qaddafi: What happened to you, Jong?*
*Korean names, like Chinese, Japanese and Bajoran ones, put the family
name first, then the personal name.--Guerin-sama.
Kim: Those goddamn Latin Kings beat the shit out of me for my wallet!
When I come back to Pyongyang, I'm ordering our first nuclear attack on
Hussein: Not if I launch chemical weapons first!
All of the other four: WHO ASKED YOU!
Suharto: I say we kick him out! There isn't a season on this show that
goes by without at least one of the tenants being kicked out!
Hussein: FINE! I hear that Puck guy's looking for a roommate, anyway!
(He storms out of the apartment. The other five just look at each other.)
Announcer: That's happening on an all-new season of "The Real World"!
Premiering this Tuesday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only
(Another commercial. As a first, I'm doing a spoof on Nick at Nite TV
Land's "Retromercial" thing here. If you like this and want to see more
like it, e-mail me at email@example.com and let me know!
--TV Land Freak Peter.)
(We see Rick Springfield dressed up as his character from the old
animated series "Mission: Magic", with a jar of peanut butter, going down
the street; in the other direction, we see Speed Racer with a chocolate
bar. They collide, and Speed's chocolate goes into Rick's peanut
Springfield: Hey, you put your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Speed: You put your peanut butter in my chocolate!
(They try the concoction and like it.)
Announcer: Two great tastes that go great together! Reese's peanut
Springfield: So, you're stooped to doing commercials now, aren't you?
Next you'll be plugging VW's!
Speed: And you'll probably wind up on some cheesy soap opera in a few
(Springfield loses it, and gets into a fight with Speed. Anthony Geary
just happens to walk past them, and notices Springfield. He goes to
a pay phone.)
Geary: Yeah, it's Tony. I think we found the new guy we're looking for
to fill in that new role on "General Hospital".
Chorus: Reese's peanut butter cups, peanut butter cups!
ACT II--DOWN 7 9/16
(That'll teach me to invest in the stock market!)
Scene 1: Daria's bedroom, 4:15 PM Friday.
(We see everyone here as when we left them at the end of Act I. Trent is
next to Daria on the bed, with Jane, Quinn, Stacy and Andrea sitting on
Stacy: They actually called you "Diarrhea", Daria?
Daria: (Sighs. She hates to admit this, but it's got to be told.) Yeah,
they did. (Pauses as she now knows that the water is cold.) Quinn, could
you change the water in this and put more of that medicated foot powder
in it, please?
Quinn: Sure, Daria. (She takes the pan of water away after Daria takes
her feet out of it. Daria winces in pain as she tries to put her feet up
on the bed. Trent takes them, and stretches them across the bed for her.)
Andrea: Man, if I ever met those two, I'd rip their hearts out, that's
Daria: Anyway, what happened next was inevitable. . .
(Misty dissolve back to the kindergarten classroom at Highland Grade
School, 1986. Beavis and Butt-Head are still doing their hideous
Teacher: Beavis, Butt-Head, will you two be quiet?
Beavis: No way, fartknocker! Heh, m-hehheh-heh, hehheh!
Butt-Head: Yeah, you shut up, dillweed! Uh huhhuh, huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah, Diarrhea! What a funny name! Yeah, m-hehheh!
(Suddenly, we see a light bulb pop up over Butt-Head's head. It flickers
for a few minutes, then goes on.)
Butt-Head: Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea,
Beavis: Hehheh m-hehheh! That was cool, Butt-Head! Diarrhea,
cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!
Butt-Head: Uh, let's say that together, Beavis! Uh, huhhuhhuh!
Beavis: Cool! M-hehhehheh!
Both of them now: DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA!
(They both laugh simultaneously now. Daria just closes her eyes and puts
her hand to her forehead.)
Daria: (Close-up, thought VO.) It's going to be a long day, isn't it?
Teacher: Beavis and Butt-Head, will you stop tormenting Daria, please?
Butt-Head: Shut up, asswipe! Uh, huhhuhhuh!
Beavis: Yeah, shut up, bunghole! M-hehhehheh!
Teacher: All right, that does it! You two are going to the principal's
office right now!
(She grabs them by the wrists, still sore after their encounter with Todd,
and proceeds to drag them down the hallway.)
Beavis: (From down the hallway.) AAAAA! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! IT
(Another girl, who has blonde hair and green eyes, and is wearing a pink
dress, turns to Daria.)
Girl: Don't mind them; they always act that way.
(Daria just sighs.)
Trent: (VO, from present.) Man, those two were sick, all right.
(Misty dissolve back to the present. Close-up of Daria's feet easing into
a fresh pan of hot water. Shot of her wincing in pain a bit.)
Daria: Well, if you ask me, I wouldn't be surprised if they were dropped
on their heads and suffered some severe brain damage.
(Trent chuckles a bit.)
(Suddenly, we see Jesse Moreno, rhythm guitarist of Mystik Spiral, knock
on the open door frame.)
Jesse: Hey, Trent, what's up? I went to your place for our practice, and
you weren't there.
Trent: Oh, hi, Jesse. Daria was just telling us about how she first met
Beavis and Butt-Head.
Jesse: You mean, those two cretins Daria knew back in Highland?
Trent: Yeah, those two.
Jane: Why not have a seat, Jesse?
(Jesse does so, and he sits next to Jane. Jane smirks a bit, while
Jesse grins a bit himself.)
Jesse: How are you feeling these days, Daria?
Daria: Better. (Beat.) Anyway, Beavis and Butt-Head got
punished for bad-mouthing the teacher and were sent home early. As for
me, the teacher had some thoughts about me that she wanted to address to
my parents, so she arranged for a conference after class ended. It was
hard just to get Mom down from her job, not to mention contacting Dad.
(Misty dissolve back to the kindergarten classroom at Highland Grade
School, 1986. We hear the opening guitar riffs from "In Hiding" by Pearl
Jam in the background. The teacher is at her desk, with Daria, Quinn,
Jake and Helen standing in front of it. Helen has that long-hair look and
is wearing a green pantsuit.*)
*That's my tip of the hat to Walter J. Jones, who had Helen buying
something similar in his story "Daria's Tears".--Peter Lauren.
Teacher: Now, mind you, Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer, I'm not saying that
your daughter Daria is a troublemaker. . .
Daria: (Close-up, thought VO.) That's funny; it was Beavis and Butt-Head
who were making all the trouble, and it's my parents who are called into a
conference. Go figure.
Teacher: But it seems that she has a difficult time adjusting to her new
Jake: My kiddo is not a troublemaker, sister! I want her to have the
opportunities I never had. Did your Dad put you into military school
against your will? HUH? HUH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Helen: Jake, dammit, calm down!
Teacher: As I was saying, Daria seems to be having trouble fitting in.
Two of her classmates called her an insulting name based on a
disgusting bodily function.
Helen: What name was that?
Teacher: Anyway, it's been my experience that you have to catch these
problems early on in life. If the other students torment her like this,
when she gets to high school, she'll be treated like an outcast.
Daria: (VO, from present.) How prophetic those words came to be.
Helen: Now, you *listen* to me, you so-called *expert* on children!
Daria is not some basket case! So, she just happens to be a bit
*different* from everyone else, but she can't help being the way she is.
She began reading when she was *just* two years old. Just last year, she
read "Sons and Lovers" from start to finish.*
*Check out the picture of Daria reading that book at Quinn's slumber
party in "The Daria Diaries".--Bookworm Peter.
(The teacher winces at that last statement.)
Teacher: She did? (Changes her tone of voice.) Uh, I mean, she did.
Jake: Well, our kiddo learned a lot of things early. I think she takes
after her Aunt Amy.
Helen: Yes, Amy was *very* much like Daria when *she* was her age. Now
she's working as a columnist for the "Los Angeles Times", writing a
column called "Warped Opinions".*
*That's my tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Hass. In her "Lawndale, CT
Continuum", Daria (who's now married to Trent) works as a columnist
for the "Dega Street Irregular"; her column is called "Skewed View".
--Your Mild-Mannered Reporter, Peter Kent.
Teacher: You're related to that whacko?
(Daria kind of frowns at that; after all, she's her favorite relative.)
Helen: She's thinking of switching to this new magazine I've heard
about called "Women's Real Issues". It's supposed to be the
anti-"Woman's Day", from what I gathered.
Teacher: Still, not everyone is at Daria's level of intelligence. I've
examined the results of her entrance tests, and she does have an
unusually high level of intelligence for her age. Have you considered
having her go for membership in MENSA someday?
Jake: Uh, well. . .
Helen: We will when she feels ready, right, sweetie? (Looks at Daria.)
Daria: (Close-up, thought VO.) Yeah, when Hell freezes over.
Teacher: You know, not everyone appreciates someone of Daria's level of
intelligence. Often, they pick on people like her.
Jake: Well, our kiddo does stand out in the crowd, doesn't she?
Helen: Jake, she meant that in a negative manner!
Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen.
Teacher: Anyway, I think part of it stems from her image. Those clothes
look like they were bought at a Salvation Army thrift store.
Quinn: I think she takes after Cyndi Lauper, ma'am. (Giggles a bit.)
Teacher: You know, when she gets old enough, you should consider
getting your daughter contact lenses instead of her glasses.
Helen: You know, that would improve her self-image.*
*I did this so as to plant the idea in Helen's head about her bugging
Daria to switch to contacts in "Through a Lens Darkly"; in that episode,
Daria mentions that Helen's been getting on her case about it quite a few
times previously before that.--Bespectacled Peter.
Daria: (Close-up, thought VO.) Not on your life, Mom.
Jake: Anyway, what about those two kids who were calling her "Diarrhea"?
Teacher: Beavis and--UGH!--Butt-Head?
Helen: What peculiar names those two have.
Teacher: Those two are nothing but trouble. I'm thinking of having them
transferred to the special county school for mentally disabled children,
but the boys' caseworker is trying to prevent us from doing that, saying
it would violate their Federal right to have a decent education in the
least restrictive environment possible. These do-gooders are trying
to tie our hands and prevent us from taking action against kids like them
because they say it violates their rights. It's being appealed in Federal
district court even as we speak.
Helen: As a lawyer myself, I have to say this district's case against
those two does look pretty bleak. I thought President Reagan was supposed
to put an end to inane Federal regulations.
Jake: Oh, yeah, Helen? It wouldn't be happening if Michael Dukakis was
*Check out the Dukakis bumper sticker on the Morgendorffers' refrigerator
door in "The Daria Database"!--Secretary of Laughter Peter.
Helen: That loser, Jake?
Jake: What do you mean, "loser"? He'll make a good president, Miss "I
Hate Legal Aid"!*
*On that same refrigerator are invitations to the "Black Tie Gala for
'Lawyers Against Legal Aid'"--Peter Guerin (who's not an attorney and
is deferring all legal questions on this matter to Paperpusher, a member
of the North Carolina bar).
Helen: Jacob Riley Morgendorffer, now you're trying my patience!*
*I made up Jake's middle name for my "Timeline".--Recap Peter.
(Jake and Helen now argue fiercely. Quinn giggles while the teacher
closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead. Daria just walks away
from the whole mess.)
(Misty dissolve back to the present. Daria and company in the bedroom, as
Daria: It basically went downhill from there. I just wanted to get out
Jane: Yeah, parents arguing like that can do that to you! (Smirks
Daria: Meanwhile, while that was going on, something happened that would
foreshadow what would happen to me later on. But, in the end, I did get
my first friend out of it.
Trent: What happened, Daria?
(Daria winces, knowing what happened to her eventually; however, she's
gone this far, and there's no backing out of it now.)
Daria: Well, there was this woman from Japan who had entered into a
foreign exchange program at the University of Texas' Houston Health
Science Center for a year in order to complete her specialized degree in
pediatric medicine.* She had gotten an apartment in town and was just
*Checking on a map of Texas, I'm presuming that Highland is somewhere near
Houston. If I'm wrong, I'm probably gonna hear it big time from the "B&B"
(Misty dissolve to an apartment complex in another part of Highland, 1986.
We see two people. One is a woman with short black hair, and wearing
a white blouse and black Capri pants. The other is a man with brown
hair, wearing a blue hat, glasses, blue collared shirt and khaki pants.
There are two other people here as well. One looks rather familiar:
a girl also with short black hair, blue eyes, and wearing a frilly blue
dress. The fourth is a fat, balding man in an A-shirt undershirt, gray
workman's pants and brown boots. He seems to be the landlord.)
Landlord: (Looking over the newly-signed lease.) It looks like
everything's in order, here--say, what was your name again?
(He's asking the man.)
Man: Hideki Mizuno. (Pointing to the woman and the girl.) That's my
wife, Michi, and that's our daughter, Ami.*
*I'm assuming that Ami's parents' names were not revealed anywhere in the
original Japanese versions of the "Sailor Moon" manga or anime series. I'm
also going on the rather brief appearances they made in the "Sailor Moon
Super S" manga series on what they looked like. If I'm wrong, please
e-mail me and let me know!--Manga no Peter-sama.
Landlord: Nice to meet you all. Anyway, what brings you here from the
Land of the Rising Sun?
Michi: I want to complete my specialized degree in pediatric medicine. I
already have a general practitioner's degree, but I want to specialize in
pediatrics. My father was a pediatrician himself; he got started in the
early years of the militaristic regime just before the war. He saw a lot
of badly hurt children.*
*Ami told Daria all this in my very first "Daria" story "The Misery
Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle".--Gen. Peter.
Landlord: I can guess. Not to defend anything they did during the war,
but I guess a lot of kids got hurt in it.
Michi: He was one of the first doctors on the scene after the atomic
bombing of Hiroshima. He was literally moved to tears seeing all those
badly burned children. For many of them, if the burns didn't kill them,
the radiation poisoning did. My father was pragmatic about what had
happened. He knew what we did was wrong. However, he was in the silent
minority. Everyone made mistakes and atrocities during that time. He
vowed to use the rest of his days fighting for peace. He attended the
ceremonies there every year until he died in 1978. He urged the
government not to forget what happened. He didn't want any apologies from
the Americans, nor did he want any remuneration for anything. He just
simply wanted both nations to realize that mistakes were made and to
promise not to let these things happen again. He knew you cannot undo
what had happened in the past, but you can fight for a better future for
(Hideki is taking out a pen and paper and making a sketch of the scene.)
Hideki: I ought to make a landscape of this scene. It looks pretty nice.
Ami: Mom, Dad, can I take a look around the place?
Hideki: Sure, Ami. Just be careful, OK?
(Ami now goes looking over the building and the surrounding area. She's
going down the street, when we see Todd's car, belching black clouds of
exhaust. Ami coughs on the fumes.)
Ami: (Sporting a bit of Daria's attitude in that remark.) Man, doesn't
that silly man know when to "Midasize"?
(The car comes screeching to a stop. Todd steps out.)
Todd: Hey, little girl, are you new here?
Ami: Mom said never to talk to strangers.
Todd: Aw, come on, I won't bite ya!
(He tries to grab her. Ami screams and runs down the street. Suddenly,
we see Daria going down in the opposite direction. He notices the two
of them, and runs up to Todd, kicking him in the knee, and causing him
to crumple to the sidewalk, clutching his knee and yelling in agony.)
Todd: Why you goddamn little assholes!
(Daria and Ami make it back to the apartment complex. Todd now slowly
gets up, grunts something inaudible, and makes it back to his car. He
Michi: Ami, what happened? I heard you screaming.
Ami: (Running up to her and hugging her, crying.) Mom, someone tried to
kidnap me, but this girl here saved me.
Hideki: (Suddenly getting angry.) Where's that monster who did this?
I'll kill him!
Landlord: It's no use. He's probably long gone by now. Just let it go.
Michi: (Turning to Daria.) Who are you, young lady?
Daria: Daria. Daria Morgendorffer.
Michi: Dr. Michi Mizuno, Tokyo University Medical Center.* That's my
husband, Hideki, and my daughter, Ami.
*Once again, I'm taking a guess as to where Ami's mother works. If I'm
wrong again, let me know!--Peter Guerin (who isn't a doctor, and doesn't
even play one on TV.)
Hideki: We owe you for saving our daughter. If there is anything we can
do for you, let us know. It is a custom among our people that if someone
saves someone else's life or the lives of their loved ones, then they
should do something in return for them.
(Suddenly, we see the Morgendorffer's station wagon pull up. Jake, Helen
and Quinn exit. Helen is the first to reach Daria.)
Helen: Daria Marie Morgendorffer, where the Hell have you been?*
*C.E. made up "Marie" for Daria's middle name in "To Helen Back".
--Total Recall Peter.
Jake: Yeah, we were worried for you, kiddo.
Ami: She just saved my life, you dolts!
(Helen's taken aback by this rather sharp rebuke. Daria senses she's
found a kindred spirit in this ordeal.)
Quinn: (To Ami.) Like, who are you?
Ami: I'm an oni, and you're my lunch!*
*Oni, in Japanese folklore, are ogres who have green hair, wear tiger
skins, possess superhuman strength, are cannibalistic, and usually kidnap
and rape women. The best known oni in anime are Lum from "Urusei Yatsura"
and the Ogre Slayer.--Monstervision Peter.
(Quinn shrieks in terror. Hideki and Michi chuckle, while Daria does that
Mona Lisa smile.)
Helen: Young lady, that was totally uncalled for!
Daria: (Close-up, thought VO.) Hmmm, she might make a good friend. (To
Ami.) Ami, would you like to come over to my house sometime?
Ami: Sure. (They shake hands.)
Jake: What exactly happened here, anyway?
Daria: Some creep was trying to abduct Ami here, and I stopped him.
Jake: Well, you can tell all about it when we get home, kiddo.
(He motions to the car.)
Daria: See you later, Ami, Dr. Mizuno, Mr. Mizuno?
All three: Sure.
(The Morgendorffer clan now gets into the car and drives off.)
Ami: Daria seems to be such a nice girl.
Michi: Yeah, she sure does.
(Cut to Todd, clutching his knee as he's trying to drive.)
Todd: Damn that girl with the glasses I met at the grade school!
She's gonna pay for this!
(Misty dissolve back to the present. Close-up of Stacy.)
Stacy: Daria, you never mentioned about this Ami Mizuno person to me.
(Close-up of Daria.)
Daria: Stacy, Ami's the one who can become Sailor Mercury of the Sailor
Senshi. She was the one who asked me to come to Japan and take her place
when she was going to go to Germany for her pre-med studies.*
*That all happened in "Misery Senshi".--Bishonen Senshi Sailor Peter.
Stacy: Oh, now I remember. That was when that terrorist was attacking
Tokyo with that experimental jet fighter, the Lawndale Militia tried to
take over the town, and that JAL flight crashed into town at the same
Trent: From what I've heard so far from you, Daria, what happened to you
next sounded like Todd wanted revenge.
Daria: (Getting a bit hesitant here.) Well. . .(She begins trembling
again. She winces again, then gasps like she did when she saw how badly
injured Trent was after the auto accident in C.E. Forman's "Driven Wild".
Tears being to well up in her eyes. Trent opens his arms, and Daria hugs
him, now crying a bit.)
Trent: It's okay, Daria. We know you went through a lot then like you
did just recently.
(Daria removes her glasses as she buries her face into Trent's chest.
Jane, Quinn, Stacy and even Andrea start to cry themselves. Daria gets
the tears out of her system, then disengages from Trent. However, for the
time being, she keeps her glasses off.)
Daria: Sorry, guys. I'm still not in total control of myself after what
happened with Sandi. It's kind of like how Batman was after
Deacon Blackfire broke his will.*
*If you never read the "Cult" mini-series, go to your nearest comic book
store and find out if you can get some back issues or a trade paperback
reprinting of it!--Commissioner Peter Gordon.
Jane: Daria, I know that you're going to have those emotional scars for a
long time, but, as you said it yourself, talking about it helps.
Daria: Anyway, over the next few weeks, I had to put up with Beavis and
Butt-Head's antics in school. It wasn't a pretty sight.
(Misty dissolve back to the kindergarten classroom in Highland Grade
School, 1986. "One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces" by Ben Folds Five
begins to play as the montage sequence begins. It's art time, and the
students are doing paintings. Daria is trying to make a impressionistic
portrait of Franz Kafka, while Beavis and Butt-Head are just splattering
paint all over the place and laughing hideously as usual.)
(The teacher and class standing, hands over their hearts, reciting the
Pledge of Allegiance. Pan to Butt-Head, watching and laughing as Beavis
prepares to set the flag on fire.)
(Cut to Daria at Butt-Head's house, seated between the two on the couch,
looking bored as they watch TV and laugh stupidly.)
(The kindergarten class, cutting shapes out of colored construction paper.
And Beavis and Butt-Head, trying to poke each others' eyes out with the
(The boys and Daria, outside on the playground, playing kickball. Daria
rolls the ball and Butt-Head comes running up, but instead kicks Beavis
in the 'nads, knocking him down. Butt-Head laughs, Beavis clutches his
groin and screams in pain, Daria just watches the fun, expressionless.)
(At school, the teacher dragging Beavis and Butt-Head by the arm out of
the girls' bathroom.)
(Cut to Daria at Butt-Head's house, seated between the two on the couch,
looking bored as they watch TV and laugh stupidly.)
(Nap time, with all the kindergarteners lying on their little blankets,
unable to get any rest because Beavis and Butt-Head keep up a constant
stream of "huh-huh"/"heh-heh" laughter.)
(The boys and Daria playing "house". Daria's reading while Beavis and
Butt-Head are focused on a pretend TV set made out of a cardboard box --
with a hole cut in it for the "screen" -- punching and kicking it, trying
unsuccessfully to make it turn on.)
(Beavis and Butt-Head setting off a firecracker in class. Cut to Daria
back in the office, Jake and Helen having to argue with the principal
(The boys in baseball caps, trying out for tee-ball. Fade music.)
Beavis: (Looks uncomprehendingly at a baseball.) Hey Butt-Head, what the
hell *is* this thing?
Butt-Head: Uhh... I dunno. I thought we were tryin' out for baseball,
but it's like, where's all the frogs? Huhhuh.
(Turn the music up again. Daria smirks, just shakes her head.)
(Daria taking before and after pictures of Beavis' new bike*: Before,
with him trying to stay balanced despite the presence of training wheels.
And after, with the bike smashed all over the grille of a semi truck,
Beavis at the curb, looking on proudly.)
*Well *someone* took those pictures of Beavis and Butt-Head in their book,
"This Book Sucks". And we know Daria's had a knack for photography...
(Cut to Daria at Butt-Head's house, seated between the two on the couch,
looking bored as they watch TV and laugh stupidly.)
(Daria's class learning to make the letters of the alphabet. And Beavis
and Butt-Head, whose attempts are indecipherable scrawls.)
(The three playing in the sandbox, Butt-Head burying Beavis head-first.)
(The boys silently doing the "Diarrhea" chant as the music plays over.
Daria looks on with a sour expression.)
(Daria at Beavis' birthday party. She snaps another picture* as Beavis
pours gasoline on the lit candles on his cake. Tight shot of the
*Again, from "This Book Sucks".--Photogenic C.E. II: Electric Boogaloo.
Beavis' voice: (Off-camera.) M-ehheh, hehheh, I made my wish come true!
(The boys and Daria on the merry-go-round at the playground, Beavis and
Butt-Head with their pants down, mooning the other students as they go
around in circles.)
(Beavis and Butt-Head in Butt-Head's front yard, lighting a large pile of
fireworks while Daria watches from a safe distance. Cut to show the boys
in intensive care beds, Daria bringing them each some get-well nachos.)
(The boys at the Morgendorffers', looking bored, until Beavis spots the
TV and points. B&B go over to the couch and sit down, one on each side of
Jake, who beams, delighted to have company.)
(End the music with an abrupt cut to:)
Scene 2: Butt-Head's house*, afternoon.
*It was definitely Butt-Head's house on the show. E-mail me for a
complete list of references to this if you don't believe me.
(Beavis, Butt-Head and Daria, on the couch. The boys pass some nachos
back and forth. Daria isn't interested.)
Daria: So where are your parents?
Butt-Head: Uhhhh... I dunno. I think my dad's like, a roadie for Motley
Crue or something.
Beavis: Yeah, me too! Hehheh heh!
Butt-Head: Huhhuh, that would be cool! And my mom's prob'ly like,
getting another butt tattoo or something, huhhuh, huhhuh.
Beavis: Hehheh, *my* mom's a slut! Heh, mehhehheh, heh!
Butt-Head: Huhhuh, your mom's a *cheap* slut! Uhhuh-huh, huh-huh.
Beavis: Umm... yeah, hehheh.
Daria: Don't you guys have anything better to do than watch TV all day?
Butt-Head: Uhhh... we can go break something.
Beavis: Mheh, *yeah!* I'm always up for that, heh-heh!
Butt-Head: (Sees that's not Daria's cup of tea.) Uhhh... I guess we
could play some baseball.
Beavis: (Perks up at this.) Yeah, yeah, hehhehehheh, I saw a ground
squirrel in the front yard this morning! C'mon, let's go, Butt-Head, heh
mehhehheh, hehheh! Heh, eh-hehheh, heh heh!
Butt-Head: (Gets up to go.) Uh-huhhuh. Settle down, Beavis. You're
gonna soil your drawers again. Huhhuh, uhhuhhuh.
Beavis: Heh, mehheh, ehhehheh-heh, hehheh. (Beat.) Mheh.
(For lack of anything better to do, Daria gets up and follows.)
Scene 3: Butt-Head's front yard, afternoon. Background music: the
opening synthesizer riffs from "The White Boy is Back" by Everlast.
(Daria and Butt-Head wait as Beavis looks for the "ball".)
Butt-Head: (Impatient.) Dammit Beavis, hurry up!
(A familiar screech of tires, and a beat-up green car pulls up onto the
lawn, stopping scant inches from pulverizing Butt-Head.)
Butt-Head: (In awe.) Whoa! It's *Todd*! Huhhuh. (Goes over to the
driver's side as Todd steps out.)
Beavis: (Comes over too, he grips the ground squirrel tightly in one fist.)
M-hehheh, hey Todd! Can you like, drive us to Maxi-Mart? Heh, heh heh.
Todd: Outta my way, you little turds!
(Todd moves between the two, pushing them aside and knocking them down with
barely any effort. He goes straight for Daria.)
Todd: C'mere, you little bitch, we're goin' for a ride!
(Daria, frightened, takes a few steps away.)
Beavis' voice: (Off-screen.) Hey! Cut it out, bunghole!
(Todd turns to see Beavis, back on his feet, holding the bat and trying to
look menacing, though he really just looks like a dork with a baseball bat.
He's holding it by the wrong end, too. Huh-huh, "holding it".)
Todd: (Turns to Beavis, pissed.) *What* did you just say to me, man?!
Beavis: (Shaking, like he does when he gets frustrated.) MmmmDAMMIT!
We're all set to play baseball! We have like, a whole team! And a bat!
And a ground squirrel! So don't try an' spoil our game or we'll kick
Todd: (Amused.) Oh, I see. Little tough guy, huh? Well let's just see
if you're still so tough once I shove that bat up your butt! (Moves
Butt-Head: (Still on the ground.) Uh huhhuh, huh-huh. "Butt." Huhhuh!
(Todd tries to take the bat away as Beavis swings it wildly, having no
real clue how to fight. Still he gets lucky on one and whacks Todd in the
'nads. Hehheh, 'nads! In all the commotion, Daria runs off, unnoticed.)
Todd: (Clutches his groin, yells in pain.) *AAAAARRGH!!*
Beavis: Whoa, hehheh! Cool! Todd baseball! Heh, ehhehheh, heh-heh!
Todd: (Coughs, sputters.) Dammit... you little turds... I'm gonna come
back here and... beat the *crap* outta you...
(He manages to crawl back to his car and gets in, starts it up and peels
away. Butt-Head gets to his feet and joins Beavis, who watches him go.)
Butt-Head: (Glares at Beavis.) You ass-wipe! Now we'll never get in
Beavis: No way, Butt-Head, hehheh. He'll let us join now that he knows
we can kick his ass! Hehheh, we can *make* him! M-ehhehheh, hehheh.
Butt-Head: Ohyeah, huhhuh. Cool. (Looking around.) Uh... where'd
Diarrhea go? Huh-huh.
Beavis: Hehheh, I flushed it this morning. Hehheh. Then I put on clean
Butt-Head: No, dumb-ass, I meant Daria. Huh-huh. She was like, here a
minute ago, but like, she's not here now. Huhhuh.
Beavis: Oh, ohyeah, heh hehheh. Maybe she's someplace else!
Butt-Head: Uh.... prob'ly.
Beavis: So... umm... wanna go watch TV?
Butt-Head: Uhh... okay.
(B&B wander inside as we dissolve to:)
Scene 4: Morgendorffer residence (their old house in Highland,
butt-wipe!), master bathroom. (Huh-huh, that's where people go
to master-bathe! Huhhuh!) Background music: the opening
synthesizer riffs from "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell.
(Jake and Helen, getting ready for bed, in the middle of a serious
Helen: Well *something's* bothering her, that much is obvious! She's
been in her room since this afternoon, she barely touched dinner...
Jake: (His mind elsewhere.) I still say that lasagna had way too much
Helen: (Irritated.) Honey, be serious.
Jake: (Defensive now.) I *am*! (Beat.) Well she hasn't actually come
out and said anything's wrong, Helen.
Helen: Yes, Jake, but do you really think Daria'd tell us if something
*was*? She's so quiet all the time, don't tell me you haven't noticed.
Jake: (Nods, even he's noticed *that*.) Sometimes it seems like she's
not even my kid.
Helen: (Outraged at this.) Of *course* she's your kid, don't be
Jake: (Stammers.) Well, b-but... Michelle always says--
Helen: (Practically shrieks.) Who the *hell* is Michelle*?! Jake, what
in God's name are you talking about?! (Dismisses it with a wave of her
hand and an irritated noise, calms down.) The point is, I think she
spends way too much time by herself... or around those boys...
*Michelle Klein-Hass, who's fanfic includes an underlying subplot wherein
Jake is revealed to not be Daria's real father.--Disagreeing C.E.
Jake: (Suddenly alarmed.) Oh my *GOD*, you don't think one of them tried
Helen: (Irritation again.) Jake, they're five years old!
Jake: (Quickly concedes.) Oh. Right.
Helen: And Daria's smart enough to be by herself. Just be grateful she
has friends. I mean, I was a bit of a tomboy myself and *I* turned out
Jake: (Nods.) Mmm.
Helen: We can't be there to look out for her all the time, honey. (Pause.)
I just wish she'd come to us when she needs help, like Quinn does.
Quinn: (Calls from her room.) Mo-OOMMM!! I can't decide which nightgown
I look best in!
Scene 5: Highland Grade School, playground. Saturday.
(Pan across the playground, deserted on a weekend. Quinn plays in a
sandbox on one end, while Daria sits at the bottom of a short slide,
reading a book. Close up of Jake and Helen, sitting on swings, watching
Helen: (To Jake, reassuring.) See? They're harmless.
(Close-up on Beavis and Butt-Head, back at the bush where their frog
Butt-Head: Dammit! Froggy's really starting to piss me off!
Beavis: Yeah, m-heh-heh, we'll hafta kick Froggy's ass once we find 'im!
Hehehheh. Kick his ass, heh-heh, *kick* it!
Butt-Head: Shuttup and help me look, dill-weed! Huh huh.
Beavis: Oh, ohyeah, heh. (Joins Butt-Head in the search. To himself,
sings.) Hehmheh, "Gotta keep on hoppin' 'til ya get to the top!" Hehheh!
(Cut to Jake and Helen, on the swings. Reassured, Jake's now getting into
it, swinging back and forth, going pretty high.)
Jake: (Laughs, having a ball.) Wheee! Isn't this great?! C'mon honey,
you've gotta try this!
Helen: (Smiles, rolls her eyes, shakes her head.) Jake...
(On the other side of the playground, a green car pulls up, unnoticed by
either parent. Close up on Quinn looking up, then go to Beavis and Butt-
Butt-Head: (Turns, sees.) Check it out, Beavis! Todd!
Beavis: Awright, hehheh! *He'll* teach Froggy a lesson! Heh, m-heh!
(To Todd.) Um, hey Todd! Wanna help us kick Froggy's ass? Hehheh.
(Todd ignores them, goes straight for Daria. He's obviously drunk, or
stoned, or something.)
Todd: (Leers, menacingly.) Hey, little girl, wanna go with me for a
(Sharp cut to Jake, having so much fun he doesn't notice Todd. He leans
back, picks up a little more momentum... and flips the swing completely
over the top of the swingset, coming down *hard*.)
Jake: (Collapsed on the ground.) *GAAAAHHH!* HELENNNN! MY *BACK*!!!
Helen: (Quickly on her feet.) Oh my *GOD*, Jakey are you okay?! (Kneels
down to help him.)
(Sharp cut to Daria. Todd grabs her.)
Daria: Hey! Let me go!
(Beavis and Butt-Head's reaction.)
Beavis: Cool! Todd's taking Diarrhea for a ride! Hehhehheh, heh, mheh,
Butt-Head: Cool! Todd kicks *ass*! Uh huhhuh, huhhuhhuh, huh-huh, huh
huh-huhhuh! (Beat.) Uhhh... waitaminute... Howcome Diarrhea gets to be
in Todd's gang and we don't?
Beavis: Yeah, m-hehheh. This sucks.
(Daria's off-cam scream as Todd takes her. Then Quinn's POV from the
sandbox, Todd's green car pulling away.)
Quinn: Daria! Come back! *DARIA!!* (She runs off toward the swings, to
get Jake and Helen.) Mom! Dad! Daria's *gone*!
(The last word "gone" echoes to a fade as we see the shocked looks on Jake
and Helen's faces. There is no music to end this act, as we see a
widescreen version of the scene where Todd grabs Daria in slow-motion and
in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2
Announcer: This Tuesday, the cast of "Daria" guest-stars on an all-new
"King of the Hill!"
("King of the Hill" theme music plays.)
(The Morgendorffers at dinner, in their Lawndale home.)
Jake: (Delighted.) Landed a big propane distributor today! We're going
back to Texas this weekend to meet with them!
Daria: (Deadpan.) As long as we stay the hell away from Highland.
Announcer: And Arlen will never be the same!
(Close-up, Hank and Peggy Hill.)
Hank: That girl ain't right, Peggy.
Dale: (Pokes his head in the window, he's been listening in.) She's up
to something, I tell you!
(Hank with Jake and Helen, in Hank's office at Strickland Propane.)
Hank: (Pride.) Propane is its *own* marketing plan, Mr. Morgendorffer.
Helen: (Gives Hank a stack of business cards.) Well with a dangerous
substance like this, you'll definitely need a competent attorney.
Hank: (Offended.) Hey now, propane doesn't kill people, *people* kill
(Quinn with Bobby, Luanne and Connie.)
Bobby: (To Quinn, as he plays the guitar with a piece of cheese.) What's
with your sister? She's *weird*.
(Daria with Hank, Bill, Dale and Boomhauer in the alley.)
Daria: (Beat.) ExCUSE me?
Announcer: Don't miss "King of the Hill", followed by an all-new
"Futurama" and "The PJs"! It all starts at eight, seven central, on
and we'll remind you of that at least thirty times before, making sure to
replay the same scenes ad nauseum until you've got them memorized and the
jokes aren't funny anymore!
(Another commercial. We see Der Fuehrer Brad Schlitz, leader of the
Upstate Nazi Party, dressed in a Nazi uniform, sitting behind a desk with
a Nazi flag behind him.)
Schlitz: DUH! I am Der Fuehrer Brad Schlitz, leader of the Upstate Nazi
Party! I think all my tax money goes to New York City! Once again, the
liberal commies from New York City who control the State Assembly have
failed to pass a budget on time! And now they're challenging the new law
that says they can't be paid unless a budget is passed! If we had a
constitutional convention like I--er--we wanted, this never would have
happened! And you want to know why? Because we would have gotten rid of
all the pork that saps Upstater's tax money and gives it to lazy
minorities on welfare! If we had our convention, we would have replaced
the governor with the position of state Fuehrer, and the wasteful,
bicameral Legislature with a unicameral State Reichstag! And all poor
people would have been hearded into concentration camps, as well as their
gay, minority and liberal commie allies from New York City! Now's the
time to get the ball rolling for the next constitutional convention vote
in 2017! It may be a long time off yet, but we must use it to strong-arm
our foes to silence! So, when our goons--er--our supporters show up at
your house, sign the pledge to vote for a 2017 constitutional convention.
And, if you don't, we know where you live! You have been warned! (He
stands up and gives the Nazi Salute.) ZEIG HEIL!
Announcer: Paid for by the Upstate Nazi Party, a/k/a the Upstate
Taxpayers' Alliance, a/k/a the I, Brad Schlitz Rubber Stamp Politburo
and Reichstag, a/k/a Angry White Males for a Right-Wing Dictatorship
that Claims to Pay Lip Service to "Constitutional Government" But in
Reality Embraces Everything Hitler Wrote in "Mein Kampf".
ACT III--UNCHANGED AT 14 -13/16
(Mark Zero Fan Fiction. We make money the old-fashioned way--we bum it
off of other people!)
Scene 1: Daria's bedroom, 5:00 PM Friday.
(We see everyone as we've left them at the end of Act II. Trent is still
with Daria on the bed, Jane, Jesse, Quinn, Stacy and Andrea sitting on the
Andrea: Todd kidnapped you, Daria?
Daria: (Hesitant at first.) Yeah, he did.
Andrea: If only he was still alive, I'd cut his heart out!*
*Todd was killed in "Triumph of the Retart".--Lord High Executioner Peter.
Daria: Guys, if I begin to freak out by what I have to say next, please
understand that it was very painful for me.
(Everyone nods in silent consent.)
Scene 2: The Morgendorffers' living room, 5:01 PM Friday. Background
music: The opening piano notes of "Brick" by Ben Folds Five.
(Jake is seen reading the paper. Suddenly, the doorbell rings.)
Helen: (Off-camera, apparently working on legal stuff again.) Jake,
could you answer the door?
Jake: Yes, Dear. (Mutters to himself.) Why do I have to do everything
Helen: (Off-camera.) What was that, Jake?
Jake: Nothing, Honey. (He goes to the door and opens it. Cut to a
frontal shot of Jake as a look of shock is on his face.) You! What are
you doing here?
Scene 3: Daria's bedroom, 5:03 PM Friday.
Daria: When we got to Todd's place, he stuck me in a closet. A few hours
later, the attack began. . .
(Misty dissolve back to Highland, 1986. We see Todd's place. It looks
kind of grungy. Todd is seen taking a swig of some whiskey. Cut to a
closet, where we see only Daria's eyes. Suddenly, the door opens, and
we see Todd. Daria is now seen cowering in a corner of the closet.)
Todd: C'mon, you little bitch, we're going to have some fun!
Daria: No, please!
(Todd now grabs her and hauls her out of the closet. We see Todd grab for
something. Cut to a corner where we see Daria's shirt, then her skirt and
panties tossed there.)
Daria: (Off-camera.) No, don't, please!
Todd: (Off-camera.) SHUT UP! (off-camera sound of Todd smacking Daria.)
(A deadly pause, then a scream by Daria.)
DARIA: NOOOOO! YOU'RE HURTING ME!!!!!!!
(Sudden cut back to the present. Daria lets out a scream.)
(Suddenly, she sees a flashback of Sandi beating her up with a baseball
bat from "Outbitched" from her point of view. We see the bat break as
Sandi now stands menacingly over Daria's battered body.)
Sandi: I hope you burn in Hell, you bitch! (She spits on her.)
(Sudden cut back to Daria in the present.)
Daria: NO! STOP IT, TODD! STOP IT, SANDI! NOOOOOO!
(She's now kicking so hard that water splashes all over the place. Quinn
now runs up to Daria.)
Quinn: Daria, stop! You're having a flashback! (She grabs Daria by her
wrists.) It's OK, Daria! You're safe! Please stop!
(Daria begins to flail for a few more seconds, then sees that Quinn is
talking to her. She collapses into Quinn's arms, and cries like she
hasn't cried before. Quinn pats her on the back. Trent now embraces
the both of them from behind. We can hear Jake and Helen running up the
stairs. Jake enters first.)
Jake: (Showing some concern for once.) Is everything all right, kiddo?
Quinn: Daria had another flashback about Sandi's attack, Dad.
Helen: (Trying to explain it to the others.) She's been having these
since she woke up from the coma.*
*Daria was in a coma after the beating in "Outbitched".--Dr. Peter.
Jake: (Going up to Daria.) Daria, it's me, Dad. Are you OK?
Daria: (Beginning to calm down now, sniffing a bit.) Yeah, I'm OK, Dad.
Helen: Everything's OK, sweetie. We're here for you. Are you going to
be OK now?
Daria: Yeah, I'll be fine.
Jake: Maybe we should stick around for a while.
Helen: You go ahead, dear; I have to tend to our unexpected visitor.
Daria: We have another visitor?
Helen: I'll explain later. (She leaves.)
Jane: Are you up to finishing the story?
Daria: Yeah. Anyway, Todd sexually assaulted me for a whole week. The
Keystone Cops that pass for the Highland Police Department didn't figure
it out that it was Todd until then, so it took them that long to find me.
(Misty dissolve back to Todd's house in Highland, 1986. Daria is cowering
in a corner, head-and-shoulders shot of her crying and covering up her
chest area. Cut to Todd looming menacingly over her.)
Todd: We're going to have some more fun now, you little twit! Then,
after that, I'm gonna kill you for foiling my attempt to have some fun
with that little Nip girl!
(He now moves in on Daria. Fast cut to the front door, which is now
suddenly knocked down by Highland Police officers.)
Officer # 1: FREEZE! POLICE!
(Officers now swarm all over the place. Two more officers tackle Todd to
Todd: LET ME GO!
(Officer # 2 takes a stun gun and puts it against Todd's genital area. He
activates it, and causes Todd to scream in agony. Officer # 3 takes his
nightstick and beats the crap out of Todd with it. Jake and Helen now
run into the house, and Jake embraces Daria, who begins to cry.)
Jake: It's all right, little pumpkin. You're safe now.
(The officers now haul Todd up from the floor, handcuff him, and lead him
Todd: I'm gonna beat this rap, then I'm gonna kill all of you! YOU HEAR
ME! I'LL KILL YOU ALL! KILL! KILL! KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Misty dissolve back to the present.)
Daria: I was checked over at the hospital. I was badly beaten up and
bruised, but otherwise I was OK. However, when we got to trial, we
were in for the shock of our lives. . .
(Misty dissolve to the Highland County Courthouse, 1986. Jake, Helen
and a man with brown hair and mustache wearing a tan suit are in an
office. The mustachioed man is apparently the DA.)
Helen: WHAT IN HELL DO YOU MEAN WE HAVE A WEAK CASE?
DA: The defense--believe it or not--has some very solid backing for their
position. The police did use very excessive force against the defendant,
and violated his rights when they used the stun gun on his genitals. Not
only that, they failed to give him his Miranda rights.
Jake: Can't we just go ahead with the case and try to fight those
DA: We could, but I don't know if we can win. . .
(Fast cut to the courtroom. We see a shot of a judge with black hair
Judge: As far as I can see, the police grossly violated the defendant's
rights in their arrest of him. In fact, it was such a gross violation
that I have no other recourse than to dismiss the charges against the
defendant. (He bangs the gavel.)
(Fast cut to Jake and Helen in the spectators' benches. Jake stands up.)
Jake: DAMN YOU, SIR! YOU LET THE RAPIST OF OUR LITTLE GIRL GO SCOT FREE
BECAUSE HIS RIGHTS WERE MORE IMPORTANT THAN OURS! DAMN YOU, SIR!
(The bailiffs arrive and haul Jake away.)
Scene 4: The Morgendorffer's living room, 5:10 PM Friday. Background
music: The opening guitar riffs form "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam.
(Helen is seen seated on the sofa. It seems she is talking to someone,
though who remains a mystery.)
Helen: Are you sure you want to do this? I don't know how the others are
going to take this.
(A hand reaches out and grabs Helen's. She nods in understanding.)
Scene 5: Sidewalk outside Highland Grade School, 1986.
(Daria walks alone up the sidewalk, approaching Highland Grade School.)
Daria: (Voice-over, as the young Daria walks.) The ruling so damaged the
case the DA's office didn't feel they could successfully appeal, so the
case was dropped. After a couple of weeks to recuperate, I returned to
school...though my Dad still had the obvious fits of anxiety...
(Pan behind her to show Jake and Helen, in their car, watching her with a
mixture of hope and, obviously, lingering concern.)
Helen: (Hand on her husband's shoulder.) We can't be there to protect
her all the time, Jakey.
Jake: (Frustrated.) I know! I just... we should have been there to
stop him. *DAMMIT!*
(He pounds the steering wheel angrily, accidentally setting off the horn.
Ahead, Daria jumps at the sudden noise, but turns and sees that it's only
Dad, waves, then turns back toward school.)
Jake: It's so hard letting her go, Helen! I feel like I'm neglecting
her... (The famous scowl gradually returns.) ...like my *own* father
did to me... the BASTARD. (Buries his face in his hands.)
Helen: (Rubs Jake's arm, a hint of amusement.) It's okay, Jakey. It'll
(Cut to close-up of young Ami Mizuno in the back seat of her parents' car.
An idle glance out the window, and her eye is caught by something.)
Ami: (Excited.) Dad! Dad, pull over!
(Close-up of Daria, still walking. She starts as a car pulls to a stop
right next to her. Back down the street, Jake prepares to get out of
the car and run after his little girl, but Helen holds him back.)
Helen: Don't be a control freak, Jake, or she'll just shut off from us.
Let her pick up her life, she has friends now.
(Back to Daria. She looks panicked, until the window rolls down and
she sees who it is.)
Daria: Ami? (Notices the bags strapped to the roof of the car.) Are
Ami: (Nods, a bid sadly.) My parents are afraid of the crime in this
city. We were lucky that the landlord was understanding and let us get
out of our lease. We're moving to another place, down in Arlen. It's
closer to the medical school for my mother, anyway. I just wanted to
thank you for helping me like you did. I hope I can repay you someday.
Daria: Will I ever see you again?
Ami: Of course. We'll keep in touch. Maybe you can even come visit me
in Japan some day. But right now I have to go.
Daria: (Nods, sadly.) Good-bye, Ami. I'll miss you.
Ami: Good-bye, Daria.
(Daria looks down at the ground as Ami's family drives off. Close-up of
the young Daria, which dissolves into present-day Daria, in her room, also
looking down. She closes her eyes.)
Daria: We sent letters, and talked on the phone sometimes. But I never
saw again her after that, until last year when I filled in for her with
the Sailor Senshi.*
*See Peter's "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle".
(Everyone in the room is silent, listening attentively as Daria talks.
Close-up of Quinn, a look of quiet admiration on her face. From off-
camera, a hand touches her shoulder and Quinn turns, opens her mouth,
eyes wide in astonishment.)
(Shots of the others, turning heads, similar reactions of surprise, shock,
Trent looks kind of angry, etc. But no one says anything lest they
disturb Daria's catharsis.)
Daria: (Close-up.) I think that was the worst part, knowing that I
wasn't the only one hurt. But it did bring out the best in some people...
when I was given a rather unexpected show of sympathy from the two people
I'd least expect to care...
(Misty dissolve back to 1986 Highland. Daria walks home from school
alone when, passing a run-down house, hears the familiar hideous laughter
of Beavis and Butt-Head. Both are seated on their front step, with torn
clothes, black eyes and plenty of bruises.)
Butt-Head: (As Daria approaches.) Hey, Dia--... uh, Daria. Huhhuh.
Daria: (Sees the bruises.) What happened to you two?
Butt-Head: Todd like, came over and kicked our asses. Huh-huh.
Beavis: Yeah, mhehheh, both of 'em, hehheh. He's been doing that a lot
lately. (Beat.) Um, more so than usual even. Mheh.
Butt-Head: I wonder if that means we're like, in his gang now. Huhhuh.
(Daria sits down between the two boys. They're actually silent for a
Beavis: So like, where've you been, Daria? Butt-Head said you were like,
someplace else, hehheh, but I wasn't sure. Heh.
Butt-Head: Were you like, hanging out with Todd? Huhhuh.
Daria: Guys, I... I don't want to talk about that.
Butt-Head: Uh... okay. We can talk about other stuff. Huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Like poop! Heh, mehhehheh, hehheh! *Poop!*
Butt-Head: You're disgusting, Beavis. Uhhuh-huh.
(Poor Daria just can't take it anymore, between her traumatic experience
and these two imbeciles being the only people remotely resembling friends
in her lives. She buries her face in her hands and cries.)
Butt-Head: (He's never had to deal with this before.) Uhh...
Beavis: (Same.) Umm... yeah... hehheh... um... no... m-heh...
Butt-Head: This sucks.
Beavis: (Trying pathetically to help.) Umm, I pooped this morning, you
know! Hehheh! (Sees that he's not.) Uh... yeah, this sucks. Hehhh...
Butt-Head: C'mon, Daria, say something cool like you always do. Huh huh.
Daria: (Sniffs.) Like what?
Butt-Head: I dunno. Like that time Beavis asked why I'm always like,
farting all the time, uh huh huh, huhhuh. And you said cuz it makes him
smell better. Huhhuh, huh-uhhuhhuh, huh-huh.
Beavis: Yeah, m-hehheh, that was pretty funny, hehheh! How d'you come up
with stuff like that?
Daria: (Sighs.) It's called thinking. You guys should try it sometime.
Butt-Head: Uhhuhhuh, huh-huh, huh huhuh-huh-huh!
Beavis: Yeah, like that! M-hehhehheh, ehhehheh, hehheh! (Contented
sigh.) Boy, it sure is good to have you back! Heh heh.
Daria: (Touched.) Really?
Butt-Head: Uh... yeah. Huhhuh. I get sick of hanging around with just
Beavis all the time, huh-huh. He's a dumbass.
(Dissolve back to present-day Lawndale.)
Daria: (Smiling just a little now.) I know. It wasn't much. But I
knew it was the absolute best those two could do. And at the time it was
all I had, so it meant a lot. I guess that's the whole story.
(Daria looks up to find all her friends still hanging on her every word.
Slow pan across the room, showing Trent -- still beside Daria -- Quinn,
Jane, Stacy, Andrea, Jesse, Jake... then Daria gasps as she sees Sandi
(Fast zoom-in on Sandi, followed by series of sharp, intercut flashbacks
as we hear the horn crescendo from John Williams' "Theme from 'Jaws'"
play in the background: Sandi kicking Daria's door down. Quinn shoving
David McAllister* out of the way as Todd takes a shot at him. Sandi
swinging the bat from behind her back at Daria, then a closeup of her
glasses knocked off. Extreme closeup of Todd's face. David McAllister
swallowed by the explosion that killed him as Daria is knocked to the
ground. Daria's vision of hell and Satan in her near-death experience**.
Sandi hitting Daria with the bat, sending her tumbling down the stairs,
her field of vision spinning until it slows to show Sandi, in the present,
approaching Daria on her bed.)
*From "Triumph of the Retart"--Candidate C.E.
**From "Outbitched"--C.E. the Watcher.
Trent: (Stands, blocks her.) That's close enough.
(Jesse, being a true friend, stands with Trent.)
Stacy: (About half-accusing.) What are you doing here, Sandi?
(Andrea snarls, causing Quinn to flinch. Jake is paralyzed with fear;
his "kiddo" might befall to some harm again.)
Sandi: (Hesitates, this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do.)
I wanted to... I just realized I never said... (Hangs her head.) I'm
sorry. For what I did to you, Daria. (Pause, she turns to address
everyone in the room.) For what I did to *all* of you. (Tears begin to
fall from her eyes).
Daria: (Nudges Trent and Jesse aside.) I forgive you, Sandi. I
Stacy: (Realizes Sandi means it, stands.) I forgive you too, Sandi.
(She embraces Sandi, who now cries.)
Andrea: Me too. (Beat, to Jane.) Wait a minute, what'd she do to *me*?
(Sandi now disengages from Stacy, and now approaches Daria again. Jake
and Quinn breathe a sigh of relief.)
Sandi: (Lowers a backpack from her shoulder.) I like, brought something
for you. I thought maybe you'd like it as a reminder of everything you've
survived... as sort of a life trophy, or whatever.
(Sandi unzips the backpack and produces the two halves of the broken bat
she used to attack Daria.)
(She puts them on the bed beside her. Trent's still watching her every
move, not trusting Sandi a bit. Daria picks up one of the pieces, looks
down at it. Again it's not much considering what Sandi did to her, but
she realizes it's the best Sandi's capable of.)
Sandi: (Feels the unwelcome glare from Trent. Quietly.) I'll go now.
(She turns to leave.)
Daria: Sandi, wait...
Sandi: (Turns, anxious.) Huh?
Daria: You've been through a lot too, you know.
Sandi: I have?
Daria: You were like me once. An outcast. Weren't you?
(Sandi can only nod.)
Daria: Maybe we're not so different. (Holds out the half of the bat she
picked up.) Here. This can be your reminder of that.
(Sandi takes the bat, though she still looks like she suspects a trick.)
Sandi: Thanks, Daria. (She shakes Daria's hand.)
(Everyone looks pleased by how both of them handled themselves. Daria
lifts her foot out of the basin. Trent takes a towel and gently dries it.
Jane notices, and smiles.)
Scene 6: Morgendorffers' front door, 5:30 PM Friday. Background music:
The opening piano bars of "Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" by Billy Joel.
(Goodbyes from Daria and Quinn as Trent, Jesse, Jane, Andrea, Sandi and
Stacy all prepare to leave. Closeup on the Morgendorffer parents, who
watch from the other end of the living room.)
Jake: (Smiles wistfully.) That's my girl. (Beat.) You think she'll
be okay, Helen?
Helen: Jakey, she's made it this far. I think she'll be just fine.
(Back to the front door. As it closes behind Sandi, the last to go,
Quinn turns to Daria with a look of new understanding.)
Quinn: Daria? Mom and Dad never... told me what happened. That week you
Daria: You can't blame them, Quinn. They were just trying to spare you
some of what I went through.
Quinn: I guess. (Pause.) Daria? Can I talk to you?
Quinn: Beavis and Butt-Head.
Daria: (Smirk.) I thought one story about those two would've given you
Quinn: You did know they... came after me, didn't you? That time you went
*That happened in "Misery Senshi".--Forman-sama.
Daria: (Sudden concern.) No, with everything else that happened I guess
I never really heard. You want to talk about it?
(Quinn nods. Daria takes her sis around the shoulder, leads her up the
Daria: (Admits.) Okay, once they reached their teens they probably
*were* pretty dangerous. Actually I'm surprised they never hurt me.
But for awhile it was nice to know they were just idiots obsessed with
bodily functions and hitting things with bats...
(One more dissolve back to Highland, B&B and Daria on the front step.
The boys' frog hops into view.)
Beavis: (Stands, stretches.) Ahhh! (Turns.) So, who's up for some
baseball? Heh, heh.
Daria: (Eyes Froggy with some concern.) Frog baseball?
Butt-Head: No way! Froggy *sucks*, huhhuh.
Beavis: Yeah, m-heh-heheh, let's play *fireworks* baseball! Heh-ehheh,
Daria: (Beat. Deadpan.) "Fireworks baseball"?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Hehheh. It's just like frog baseball, 'cept you
use M-80s 'stead of a frog. Hehheh, it's cool! (Beat.) 'Specially
when you light 'em! (He takes his lighter out of his pocket and flicks
it a few times.)
Butt-Head: (Pulls a supply of M-80s from his pockets.) You can like,
join us if you want. Huh-huh.
Daria: (Dry.) I think I'll play outfield. *Far* outfield.
(The boys head off down the sidewalk. Daria hesitates, then picks up
Froggy before following them. Cut to the famous shot of them heading
down the sidewalk toward the horizon, this time with Daria accompanying.)
Beavis: Cool, hehheh! I call Daria on my team!
Butt-Head: No way! That's like, two against one, bunghole!
Beavis: Ohyeah, hehheh. Umm... then you can have Froggy. Hehheh.
Hehheh, "Drop your magic twanger, Froggy!" Hehehhehheh!
Butt-Head: (Getting sick of Beavis' stupid jokes.) *WHAT?!*
Beavis: Nothin'. Hehheh.
Butt-Head: You're a bunghole, Beavis!
Beavis: No way! *You're* a bunghole, bunghole! Heh-heh.
Butt-Head: Shut up, dillweed!
Beavis: Fartknocker! Hehheh.
Butt-Head: Huh-huh, you're a dumbass, Beavis.
Beavis: Shuttup! You're a butt-burglar! Heh heh!
Butt-Head: You're a nad-lick, huh huh.
Daria: If you ask me, you're *both* a couple of fatuous simpletons.
Beavis: (Thinks she's using profanity.) Whoa! Hehheh, that's really
Butt-Head: Uh huhhuh, huhhuh! Dirty Diarrhea, huh huh!
Beavis: Mhehheh, m-ehhehheh, *poop!* Hehheh!
Daria: (Monotone.) Very funny, guys.
Beavis: Hehheh, do you like, kiss your mother with that mouth? Hehheh.
Butt-Head: Uh... I kiss *your* mother! Huhhuh. *Everybody* does,
uhhuhhuh! She's a slut! Huh-huh.
Beavis: Shuttup!... You... um... uhh... (They're running out of insults.)
....stupid... umm... dumb... Butt-Head... hehheh. Yeah.
Butt-Head: You... uh... bloated goat scrotum! Uhhuhhuh, huhhuh!
Beavis: You... umm... (Beavis thinks a moment, then, really fast:)
....seminiferous ferbical nad-clobule buttnoid!! Mehheh-heh-heh!
(They're gone over the horizon. Hold for a beat, then:)
Daria: What does that mean?
Beavis: I dunno, hehheh. I think I heard it on the Discovery Channel
once. M-hehheh, sometimes they show butts! Heh, mehhehheh-heh.
Butt-Head: Uh-huhhuh, life is pretty cool! Huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh. When it doesn't suck. Heh heh, mhehheh heh.
Scene 7: Daria's room, 11:15 PM Friday. Background music: An
instrumental version of "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)" by
Baz Luhrmann begins to play; time it so that the second time the chorus
("Brother and sister") starts when the alter egos roll and ends with the
closing harmonica riff when the "Daria" logo is shown.
(Daria is seen in her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts;
she's about to call it an evening when there's a knock on the door.)
(The door opens, and we see Quinn enter; she's wearing her yellow bunny
Quinn: Daria, it's just me. I know it's getting late, but there's just
one more thing I wanted to tell you.
Quinn: Daria, we've been through a lot recently: Beavis and Butt-Head
nearly raping me; my getting shot when I shoved David MacAllister out of
the way from Todd's bullet; Mom telling Sandi's mother that we're sisters;
Sandi slowly going crazy; Stacy's bouts with bulimia; Sandi getting
ousted as President of the Fashion Club; finally, her attack on you. It's
all made me seriously think about what I am and how I've been treating
you. Daria, I want to make up for what's happened in the past. Really,
Daria: Quinn, no one's asking you to make wholesale changes to your life.
Quinn: You don't know this, Daria, but when I visited you at the hospital
when you were in that coma, I promised myself that I was going to change.
I'm still going to be part of the Fashion Club, and I'm still going to be
interested in boys and all that, but it's not going to be my top priority
anymore. Didn't Mom and Dad tell you that I've been doing all my studying
and homework before I talk to my friends now?
Daria: No, they haven't.
Quinn: Daria, from now on, I'm going to do my best to be the sister you
should have, not the rotten bitch I was.
Daria: Quinn, you weren't exactly a bitch, even at your worst when Jane
and I were filming you at the mall agonizing over your pores.*
*That happened in the "Monster" episode.--Peter Factor.
Quinn: No, Daria, I was a bitch. By all rights, I should look up to you,
not treat you like some pariah.
Daria: (Mockingly.) Watch your tongue there, sis.
Quinn: Oh, picked that word up in English class today. (Giggles a bit.)
Daria, could you help me with my homework from now on? I'll pay you, of
Daria: I think maybe I'll let the first week be a freebie. (Smirks that
Mona Lisa grin.)
Quinn: Thanks, Daria. Maybe we can start tomorrow; we'll have to squeeze
it in between the Fashion Club's weekly trip to Cranberry Commons and my
date with Jamie.
Daria: You two getting serious? Normally, it's wise for girls your age
to date a whole lot of guys. But, then again, in your case, going out
with just one guy maybe the safest. You'll only have one heart to break.
Quinn: Now, now, Daria. . .
Daria: Just kidding.
Quinn: Daria, I'm serious. I want things to be different between us now.
I almost lost you, and I don't want to blow this second chance. (We can
see tears begin to fall from her face; she now embraces Daria, who pats
her on the back.)
Daria: Take it easy, Quinn. I'm just glad you are taking some positive
steps in becoming a better person. Of course, I still reserve the right
to cut you down to size if you do something stupid; after all, the "Misery
Chick" does have a reputation to uphold.
Quinn: (Raising her hand in an oath.) I swear there won't be too many
opportunities for you to do that. Well, I'd better go to bed. Good
Daria: 'Night, Quinn. (She takes her glasses off, and puts them in a
case on the bedstead where her clock is. She gets into bed, but winces
in pain as she tries to get her legs into bed. Quinn goes to her.)
Quinn: Let me help you there, Daria. (She eases Daria's legs in, then
tucks her in.) Pleasant dreams. (She hugs Daria again, then turns off
the light and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.)
Daria: (To herself, as she gets comfortable.) Maybe this is the start
of a whole new Quinn; at least it's a encouraging start. (Smirks that
Mona Lisa smile again as she drifts to sleep; the last shot before the
alter egos start is Daria in a blissful sleep.)
(The closing credits roll as we see the alter egos. They include: Daria
as Chun Li from "Street Fighter"; Beavis as Puck from "The Real
Candy as Barb Wire; Butt-Head as Mark McGwire [hitting a frog out of the
park for a home run, of course]; Quinn as Scarlett from "G. I. Joe";
Ms. Li as Princess Leia from "Star Wars"; Mr. DeMartino as Magneto from
"X-Men"; Todd as David Berkowitz, the notorious "Son of Sam" killer;
Jake as Ralph Kramden from "The Honeymooners"; Jodie as Diana Ross;
Brittany as Farah Fawcett; Andrea as Dot Matrix from "Reboot!";
Helen as Callisto from "Xena: Warrior Princess" and Mr. O'Neill as
Daredevil. The "Daria" logo is shown as the closing credits end. Cut to
a scene where we see sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an
ominous timpanni drumroll can be heard in the background. The left
hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a slegehammer
with a black head and a yellow handle. The hammer hits into the die
twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. At the second time, however, the
hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The
person who's been holding the hammer and die drops them, and turns to face
the audience; he's none other than Peter Guerin himself, a man with blue
eyes and culry brown hair. He grabs his hand as he screams "OUCH! I HIT
MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" He now walks away, and we see
that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been
chiseled into the metal; above it is white Roman lettering saying "MARK",
while below that is white Roman lettering saying "FAN FICTION," and below
that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.)
I have to admit this was real fun doing this particular piece of "Daria"
fan fiction. I've been meaning to do a collaboration for some time now,
but until now haven't had a chance to do so. C. E. Forman seemed to be
the logical choice, since his knowledge of "Beavis and Butt-Head" is far
greater than mine. I chose this particular story since it ends one
chapter in my series and foreshadows the start of another.
There are a few things I want to explain in my own afterward; C. E. can
explain his own little in-jokes and so forth in his own half. The reason
why I included the little subplot about Todd trying to abduct little Ami
was to explain how she and Daria became friends, setting up the plot
where Daria gets Ami's E-mail asking her to go to Japan for her help
in "Misery Senshi". Also, I've tried to be true to how Ami's parents
were in the "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon" manga and anime series. It's
mentioned quite a few times that Ami's mother is a doctor, and one or two
times that her father's an artist. I set this while they were still
married; that way, if I do write some more "Sailor Moon" fan fic, I can
still leave things a bit fuzzy about the time in-between the events of
this story and when they get divorced later on in the manga and anime
series. Also, the subplot sets up some revenge factor in Todd's mind.
Some have asked me why I had Daria sexually abused in "Triumph of the
'Retart'". Sometimes something so traumatic can cause drastic changes in
a person. There had to be some explanation as to why Daria dresses the
way she does and why she's so leery of someone like Upchuck. Often
women who are indeed raped decide to dress unattractively so that they
won't become easy targets again; Martin J. Pollard is working toward
something in that direction in his long-promised sequel to his "Sins of the
Past" in regard to Quinn, who was raped by Skyler Feldman. Michelle
Klein-Hass does the same to Quinn after she's raped in her "So Turns the
Wheel". While it is debatable whether Daria is actually beautiful beneath
her jacket, skirt and boots (the infamous scene from "Quinn the Brain"
notwithstanding), my guess is that Daria wants to be sure she isn't a
target for rape (and those Doc Martens boots of hers can inflict serious
damage if they have to).
Then there's the matter of the Daria/Trent relationship. I'll admit they
slept together toward the end of "Misery Senshi", and there was some
signs of affection in some of my later stories, but I think I made it
clear in "Outbitched" that Trent just wants to be friends with Daria at
this time. When she graduates from Lawndale High is another matter,
of course. However, as C. E. showed perfectly in his part of this
story, Trent does care for Daria and will take steps to protect her if
need be. Of course, Jane can be such a "yenta". Oy, vey!
Finally, this was a story that had to be told: How did Daria first meet
Beavis and Butt-Head in the first place, and how did she get tagged
with the nickname "Diarrhea"? I admit the first story I ever read
of C. E.'s was his "Good-bye, Diarrhea", his attempt to explain the
events surrounding why Daria left Highland. I've always had it in the
back of my mind to write a story about how they first met. I'm sorry
to some B&B fans if I didn't put in Tom Anderson in it; perhaps I can
pester C. E. to join me in writing a story on how she first meets him?
(but after I take care of some other stories I've been meaning to write)
After this, I want to return things more or less to normal with "Booted!";
in this story, Daria's boots are stolen while she's in gym class. Who
did it? Well, you have to read it and find out. Then, I FINALLY
hope to start on "Lawndale Militia III: The Final Conflict", the
long-promised concluding story to the "Lawndale Militia Trilogy".
Until then, take care.
Peter W. Guerin
President and CEO, Mark Zero Fan Fiction, Unlimited
May 11, 1999
I was pleasantly surprised when reading Peter's "Outbitched" to see a
request that I help him with a future story. I've been a fan of his
fics since I first discovered the now-defunct Planet Daria in July
last year. And how could I refuse him with all those Mark Zero fans
Collaborating was a real challenge for me because I tend to be a
control freak when I write... I like to be in charge of everything.
But I think since this was a story Peter had wanted to tell for quite
some time (elements of it go as far back as "Triumph of the 'Retart'",
his second fanfic), it made it easier to repress the urge. I had a
blast, and it was a treat to tie in past Guerin references and to do
something that strays from what you'd expect to see on the show.
(But never fear, I doubt you'll be seeing the cast of "Ghost in the
Shell" in my second season of fanfics... which is set for early
August, for those of you who haven't heard.)
I was pleased by how Peter was able to work so well with what I came
up with... several of the later scenes are a joint effort, and the
scenes set in present-day Lawndale were split about half-and-half.
A lot of what I did ties in closely with B&B, which as Peter writes
is the main reason he brought me aboard in the first place, so if you're
offended by the animal-batting lines, don't get mad at Peter about it.
(Though you'll notice they never actually *hurt* anything in this
story... well, except Todd, and he deserved it. I thought this was
key in keeping the humor, especially given what Daria's been through.)
You'll also notice the absence of any sexual comments by our boys (aside
from Beavis' mom being a slut). Helen spelled it out in Act 2: They're
too young to really be interested in that kind of thing, the hormones
haven't kicked in yet. Hence their more childish obsession of hitting
things with baseball bats (and, of course, Beavis and his fire).
Something had to fill the gap.
The "King of the Hill" commercial is mine, based on a discarded
"KotH" crossover that I got about a third done before realizing that it
completely sucked. I salvaged the funny parts (that was all of 'em,
right there!) and managed to keep it from being a total loss. (Please
don't ask to see the whole thing, it's already long gone.)
Froggy represents... something. I never really gave it much thought.
Umm... I think that's everything I wanted to cover. Sorry to ramble.
Peter said it was okay to put the usual C.E. Forman solicitations in,
so here we go:
Would you like to be updated when I release new "Daria" stories and
get sneak previews of what I have in store just around the corner? If so,
send an e-mail and ask to be put on my Daria Fanfic update list. This
won't cram your mailbox full, I promise. One update a week at most.
Also let me know if you want to receive new stories by e-mail, or just
Anybody got any fan art based on my fics? If so, you can send it to:
6823 N. TerraVista #706
Peoria, IL 61614
I'd love to see it. E-mail is good too, JPEGs, GIFs or bitmaps work best.
THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF
MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED!
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CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!