New York Knew Nothing, Part 1
By Michael J. Pfeffer
Scene 1: Los Angeles International Airport, 7 A.M., May 20, 1998.
(Most of the cast is present, including Quinn & the Fashion Club, Trent, Jesse,
Upchuck, Michael and Mara, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, etc.)
Mr. O'Neill: This field trip to New York will be a true cultural experience for you as
students. The Big Apple is a global art and political center, yet how much was it worth
in the 1700s? Can anyone tell me?
Mr. O'Neill: Okay... (looks to Brittany) Janet? How much was Manhattan Island
(Silence, vacant look from Brittany)
Mr. O'Neill: Janet... I'm talking to you...
Brittany (Angry): It's Brittany!
Mr. O'Neill (Looks at a list scrawled on his hand.): Dammit! (Sighs) Never mind,
Brittany. Everyone, come and get your tickets. Remember- we leave at 12:00 sharp, so
go anywhere, just come back by 11:30.
Scene 2: The halls of the American Airlines terminal. 8:15 A.M.
(Everyone eventually gets their boarding passes. Cut to Daria and Jane, walking to the
Daria: I just hope Upchuck doesn't get anywhere near 42nd Street. Giuliani would have
to shut all the stores down.
Jane: Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Scene 3: 10:40 A.M., inside the plane. Upchuck is schmoozing with a flight
Upchuck: So, my winged beauty... how'd you me to take off on your runway? Rowrrrr...
(Slap, she walks off)
Upchuck: Feisty! (Upchuck follows)
(11:40 A.M., cut to Kevin at the cockpit- the flight engineer is vainly trying to keep him
Engineer: C'mon kid, you gotta get out of here! You almost blew up the number four
engine ten minutes ago!
Kevin: That was a mistake, okay? I just wanna see how this thing works!
Pilot: Look, kid, we have to take off in ten minutes! Get out of here before you clip the
(Cut to Michael and Mara, already in their seats)
Michael: Hmm... what is this? A 747? Model -400, F-321 engines?
Mara (Rolls her eyes): Call it an airliner.
Michael: But what kind?
Mara: Just an airliner.
Michael: But what if we get attacked? I need to know how we can defend ourselves.
Mara: Who would attack us? We're flying over our own country!
Michael: Erm... militia factions?
(Mara looks at him in disbelief.)
Michael: Rogue military leaders?
(Mara keeps giving him the look.)
Michael: Okay, fine. I'll ease up.
Mara (Smiles): That's better.
(Cut to Trent and Jesse, a few rows back)
Jesse: Dammit! (Throws headphones down) The music here sucks!
Trent: I know. They don't even have Bloody Nostrils.
Jesse: Or Death from Down Below...
Trent: Not even Ozzy is a Cocksucker.
Jesse: Don't say things like that about Ozzy!
Trent: I didn't say anything about Ozzy.
Jesse: You said he's a cocksucker!
Trent: That's the band's name.
Jesse: Don't use the band to cover up what you said!
(Etc., etc. Cut to Daria and Jane, just walking in. They see Trent and Jesse at each
other's throats, the copilot and a beefy assistant trying to restrain them. Kevin and a
few members of the football team are cheering them on.)
Jane: And I thought there wouldn't be bloodshed until we got to cruising altitude.
Daria: What, with these boys? I supposed 10,000 feet, tops. What book did you get?
Jane: Reflections of Dadaism in Post-Greco Modern Rococo Classicism. It's a classic.
How about you?
Daria (Takes out a leather-bound hardcover book with gold lettering and a small golden
planet... making "moose ears" with its hands and sticking its tongue out.): The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's one of the funniest trilogies ever written... all
Jane: Six books?
Daria: They call it "The Increasingly Inaccurately Named Hitchhiker's Trilogy."
Jane: Uh huh.
Daria: Check this out- (Opens to a page): "Myself, I'd trust him to the end of the
"And how far's that?" Arthur asked. "About twelve minutes away," Ford
"Come on, I need a drink." (Closes the book.) It was a great buy. Only ten
Jane: And you were able to talk him down to five. Not bad.
Scene 4: 11:57 A.M., still inside the plane. Cut to Upchuck, now dressed in a shiny
green suit with a black shirt, carrying a boombox, playing "What is Love?" by
Haddaway. You know, like those dancing guys from Saturday Night Live. He is nodding
his head with the beat, and still trying to pick up on the flight attendant.
Upchuck: C'mon, baby... nobody can evade the Rutt! I've got a Gold Card...
(Bounces attendant between him and the wall.)
Attendant: Dammit! Get off of me!
(She takes a pot of coffee and throws it on him.)
Upchuck: Acchhh! Blubb!
(Attendant runs off.)
Upchuck: Hmmm... very feisty!
(Cut to Quinn and JJJ.)
Quinn: No peanuts?
Joey: I'll go get some!
(Joey rushes off and gets into an argument with a flight attendant. It erupts into a
shouting match. He comes back, clothes and hair haggard, with a minuscule packet of
Quinn: No soda?
Jeffy: I'll go get one!
(Jeffy rushes back to the food storage. He returns five minutes later, being shoved
forward by a burly chef. He is carrying a Coke.)
Quinn: No diet?
(Everyone looks at Jamie. He presses the call button.)
(No attendant comes forward. Jamie shrugs, and presses it again.)
(And again. Several times.)
(He keeps ringing as two huge maintenance personnel walk up. He sees them, and
Jamie: Uhh... can I get a diet soda, please?
(Cut to Michael and Mara, just as the plane starts to take off. They hear punches in the
Mara: Looks like Quinn got paired up with her fan club again.
(Trent and Jesse have finished duking it out, but are still glaring at each other. Daria
and Jane have just arrived and sat down.)
Trent: Jane, tell Jesse that I don't care about Ozzy and he has the worst taste in music
that I've ever known.
Jesse: Daria, tell Trent that he has to start knowing bands that people have actually
(Trent and Jesse stand up in disgust.)
Trent: You take that back, sell-out!
Jesse: No way, know-nothing!
(Jesse launches for Trent's throat, but Jane and Daria hold them apart.)
Trent: Go listen to some Marilyn Manson, traitor to music!
Jesse: Go live in your parents' basement between Brew-Pub covers, nowhere man!
Daria: This is shaping up to be very interesting.
Jane: Five bucks says we leave with passengers, but come back with survivors.
Scene 5: 2 A.M., May 21st, 1998. Somewhere over the Midwestern United States,
night. Cut to Michael, Mara, Daria, and Jane, the only four awake on the whole plane,
playing cards for toothpicks.
Michael (Deals): Okay, people. Five-card, ante is four picks. Max discard four cards,
and then you need to show an ace. Pairs over four only. Who's in?
Mara (Tosses in four toothpicks): Take a guess.
Daria (Tosses in four): What do you think?
Jane (Tosses in four picks from her meager stash): It's a risk, but I'll join in on this
synthetic wood orgy.
(Michael deals out five cards each.)
Michael: Who's up?
Mara: I raise ten.
Daria: I call ten and raise five.
(They each toss in fifteen toothpicks.)
Michael: I see five, raise seven.
(He tosses in twelve toothpicks.)
Jane: I call.
Michael: Draw and discard.
(Mara discards three, Jane takes four and shows an ace, Daria and Michael stand.)
Michael: Any other bets?
Jane (Pushes the remainder of her toothpicks in the pot): I raise three. I either win it
or lose everything.
(Everyone else follows suit.)
Daria: I'm tired. Let's just end this.
Mara: Good idea.
Michael: I agree. What's your suits, everyone?
Quinn (Sleepily): Hey! Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!
(Michael tosses a wadded-up paper napkin her way.)
Michael: Sorry about that, everyone. What's going down around here?
Jane: Two pair.
Mara: Four of a kind.
Daria: Five of a kind.
Michael: Straight flush.
Jane: At least there's no loss.
Mara: Where are we?
Michael (Checks a GPS Navigator unit.): Somewhere over Ohio.
Daria: What time is it?
Michael: About two hours before we left Los Angeles.
Michael: Time zone changes.
Scene 6: 10:00 AM, in the lobby of a Sheraton in Manhattan. Everyone is present.
Mr. O'Neill: Okay, everyone. Today, we're going to be exploring the island of
Manhattan. There are many great places to see and museums to visit. Don't forget to
take down notes, and stay in your groups. We'll meet back here at 6:00 for dinner.
Have a great day!
(The Fashion Club walks off, accompanied by Ms. Defoe [the art teacher]. Trent, Daria,
Jane, Michael and Mara all team up. Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Jesse, and Upchuck walk off.
Everyone else is elsewhere.)
Mara: Where to first?
Michael: How about the Intrepid museum?
Jane: The Met.
Trent: CBGB's. (Note: it's a metal club. -MJP)
Michael (Snaps his fingers): Wait a second... we have to do something first.
(Cut to Upchuck and the 3 J's.)
Joey: So... where do you guys wanna go?
Upchuck: I have an idea... heh heh!
(They get into a huddle and whisper. A few seconds later, they all snicker.)
Michael: We have to save 42nd Street from Upchuck.
Trent: What do you mean?
Michael: Just follow me.
Scene 7: 11:15 AM. Cut to Upchuck, leading the way to the porno district. Several
shopowners look outside and their faces fall.
Pimp 1: Oh man, not that Ruttheimer kid again!
Pimp 2: Man, my girls never recovered from when he was here last
Pimp 3: I got customers in there... I can't close up!
Pimps 1 & 2: Us too!
Pimp 3: Just tough it out... good luck, guys.
(Cut to a skyscraper overlooking the street. Daria, Jane, Trent, Mara, and Michael are
there. Michael is setting up a sniper's rifle on a tripod.)
Trent: You're going to shoot him?
Mara: Granted, Upchuck's a dirty little bastard, but killing the guy will land you in
Michael: Two words- stun bullets.
Jane, Daria, Mara (in unison): Amen!
(Michael kneels down and looks through the scope. Cut to a crosshairs over Upchuck's
forehead. Michael aims downward to his neck.)
Michael: Ready... ready...
(His finger tightens on the trigger.)
(The bullet hits, and electricity spreads over Upchuck. He falls down. A few shots take
out Joey, Jeffy and Jamie. Nobody on the streets notices.)
Michael (Stands up): Jackpot!
(The pimps all look upwards. Seeing Michael on the roof, they whistle and cheer.
Michael waves and they all walk off. The pimps gag JJJ and Upchuck and toss them in
(Author's note: That's probably the most violent part of the story. Don't worry, no more
high-tech warfare for a while. -MJP)
Scene 8: 4:40 PM. Cut to the Fashion Club, walking up Madison Avenue. They
start at Armani Exchange and end up at Judith Leiber (A handbag store, the stuff is
really jewel-laden, etc. They walk in, struggling with their massive packages from other
stores. Ms. Defoe waits outside.)
Sandi: Like, what's really popular here?
Saleslady: Well, we do have this rhinestone panda number. Most of our customers
prefer the more subtle handbags, but...
Quinn: Awww, that's so cute!
Tiffany: That's, like, a lot of rhinestones.
(Each of the Club members examines it briefly. The theme from The Good, the Bad,
and the Ugly plays in the background. Close-up of Sandi's determined eyes. Close-up
of the panda handbag. Close-up of Stacy's determined eyes. Close-up of the store
lady. Close up of Quinn's determined eyes. Close-up of the cash register. Close-up of
Tiffany's determined eyes. Zoom out to show all four members, reaching into their
wallets and pulling out charge cards in unison.)
All: We'll take it!
Saleslady: That'll be one thousand dollars. Each.
(All members shrug. Saleslady smiles. A few moments later, they all walk out, bearing
their new handbags.)
Stacy: I love New York!
Scene 9: 4:45 PM. The Whitney Museum of Modern Art.
Jane: This is the last one, I promise!
Trent: You've been to five art museums already today.
Michael: I had to give up the Intrepid!
Mara: We tossed tickets to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat out the
Daria: We skipped lunch in Chinatown!
Quinn (Far-off voice): He stole my purse!
Michael, Mara, Daria, Jane, Trent (In unison): Huh?
(They all look down Madison Avenue to see Quinn losing distance on a purse-snatcher
carrying her new rhinestone hand bag.)
Michael: That just made everything worthwhile.
Jane: Amen. C'mon, let's go in!
(Everyone rolls their eyes.)
Mara: Twenty minutes.
(An hour later, they're still waiting for her. Michael spots Jane coming off an elevator.)
Michael: Okay, that's been five times around. Are you done yet?
Jane (Grinning madly): One more time!
(Daria nods to Trent and Michael. They drag her off.)
Jane: Hey, c'mon! I was only kidding! This is no longer funny!
Scene 10: On a ferry from Staten Island to Governor's Island, May 22nd, 1998,
Daria: We're doing what?
Mara: We're going on a Coast Guard cutter.
Michael: It's Fleet Week. They're doing a big parade of Navy ships through New York
Harbor. We're taking the lead ship out.
Jane: You mean we're letting Kevin and Brittany near live weapons?
Michael: Don't worry. They held a raffle a while ago to see who would take command.
Daria: Let me guess. You fixed it with your Mega-Spy Assert-I-Tron.
Michael: Nah. I just won by chance this time.
Daria: I see.
Scene 11: a small Coast Guard ship, 10:45 A.M. Cut to wardroom. Trent and Jesse
Trent: Look- big bands are sell-outs! They ignore what the real essence of music is like!
I'm sorry if we don't share tastes, but I like who I like!
Jesse: Little bands have good ideas, but they can't get distributed! Until they do, the
groups are better!
(Trent throws a donut at Jesse.)
Trent: Take that, Mansonite!
(Jesse punches Trent. Trent punches Jesse. Yet another fight breaks out.)
(Cut to the bridge. Michael in the captain's chair, Mara at the helm, Daria on the radios,
Jane on the radar.)
Michael: Sounds like Trent and Jesse are sharing some quality music time.
Jane (Mega-sarcastic): Whoever said that Mystik Spiral isn't a together band is very,
Mara (Also sarcastic): It's great enough that they make great music, but share feelings
as well? Doesn't get any better.
Trent (Background): I bet you listen to Hanson!
Jesse (Background): It's better than continuously mourning Kurt Cobain! Nirvana wasn't
even that good!
Trent (Background): Go to hell!
Jesse (Background): Make me!
(More punches, and the occasional threat.)
Jane: Cough up the five bucks.
Daria: We're not back yet.
Michael (Points outside): Check it out. We're about to rendezvous with the Tarawa.
(They pass ahead of a gigantic helicopter carrier. Large air-cushion hovercraft are
Mara: Where can we get one of those?
Jane: Sure beats the bus.
Michael: Wise choice. The Marines use those to land on hostile beaches.
(The hovercraft form a box formation around the cutter, and the ships accelerate. The
radio beeps. Jane answers it.)
Jane: Cutter Penobscot Bay. What's up? (Listens) Uh huh... yeah, sure, acknowledged.
P-Bay out. (Hangs up.) Parade control. We're taking the lead past the Tarawa carrier
as we pass by the Intrepid museum.
Daria: What the hell is that? (Points to a tiny, almost invisible wake in the water a mile
or so ahead.)
(Michael picks up a pair of binoculars and trains in on the wake. He sees a submarine
Michael: Submarine contact bearing zero-zero-nine! Gimme that microphone! (Jane
hands him the mike.) Tarawa, this is P-Bay. We have an unknown underwater contact,
relative bearing zero-zero-nine. Request ASW and sonar.
Tarawa: Penobscot Bay, we have a really strange sonar reading on that bearing. It's no
sub. Turn up your speakers and listen to this.
(Michael turns up the volume on the bridge repeaters. They all recognize the noise and
Noise: Huh-huh-huh-heh-heh-heh-m-heh-heh-heh. Yeah. Heh-heh-heh-uh-huh-huh-huh.
Daria: Oh, no, not again.
Michael: Frigate Reuben James, this is Penobscot Bay. Target Sierra-One is
designated hostile, repeat hostile. Terminate with extreme prejudice. Let's see some
fireworks, Navy. P-Bay out.
(Cut to inside the sub. Beavis and Butt-head are the only ones on the bridge. Butt-head
is looking through the periscope.)
Butt-head: This is, like, cool and stuff. Huh-huh-huh. Too bad those Commie dudes, like,
jumped out somewhere.
(A ping sounds in the distance.)
Beavis: C'mon, Butt-head, it's my turn! Heh-heh-heh.
(A display lights up and a siren sounds, blaring INCOMING TORPEDO in block letters.)
Beavis: Whoa! Cool! Check this out- (Starts talking in a German accent.) All hands,
dive! For the Leader! Turn, damn the torpedoes! Heh-heh-heh.
Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool, Beavis!
(The pings start to get rapid.)
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, heh-heh-heh, what's, like, long and hard and filled with sea-
(A torpedo strikes the Russian sub amidships. It promptly breaks in half and begins to
Butt-head: Uuuuuh! Blublublub... this sucks!
(On board the cutter, everyone is applauding.)
Daria: That felt good. That felt really good.
Mara: Careful. There's already one war-horse in the world.
(A few hours later, the parade ends.)
Scene 12: On the roof of the hotel. Jesse and Trent are arguing again. Daria and
Jane are in there mediating a debate, while Michael is standing by in case they get
Jesse: He just doesn't understand that we're never going to get anywhere if we don't
Trent: Music isn't about compromise! It's not about money! Who the hell are you, Puff
Jesse: Don't you ever say that! (He goes for Trent's throat. Michael unsheathes a pistol
and fires two shots into the air. They instantly stop fighting.)
Michael: Listen up! I don't know how the hell you guys got started, but for the sake of
all those bands out there, from the Seattle garage to the New York apartment, you'd
better make up right now! You get me?
Jesse: We can't survive forever on our own! We have to apply for corporate
sponsorship, or otherwise we'll never even appear on a demographic, let alone the
Jane (Thinking): This guy is a hell of a lot smarter than he looks. Or acts.
Trent: Okay, I'll concede to this- we'll take a sponsor, but we keep writing songs for the
art, not for money. If we get any proceeds, we donate 90% to the Red Cross, and the
rest we split even.
Jesse: 90%? Are you kidding me?
Trent: That way, we won't be convinced that we're doing this for money. Plus, we'll get
a good image. Maybe even a real concert.
Jesse: Well... okay.
(Michael inscribes the official terms onto a laptop, prints out a contract on a
mini-printer, and holds out it and a pen. He's already signed as a witness. Trent signs
first, then Jesse. They shake hands.)
Jesse: Great to be back, buddy.
Trent: Glad to have you back.
Jesse: The thing is, we need a new song.
(A short, fat figure with a high, annoying voice steps into the shadows.)
Kid: I have a song.
Trent (Shrugs): Let's hear it.
(The kid steps out of the shadows. It's Cartman from South Park.)
Cartman (Clears throat): This song is called... Kyle's Mom is a Bitch. In D Minor.
Welllllll.... Kyle's Mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the
whole wide world,
she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls!
Monday she's a bitch on Tuesday she's a bitch and Wednesday and Saturday she's a
then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a Super King Kamehama Bi-atch!
(Trent and Jesse look dazed. Daria, Jane, and Michael are smiling and bobbing their
heads left and right with the beat.)
Cartman (Still singing): Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom she's the biggest bitch
in the whole wide world
she's a mean ol' bitch and she has stupid hair
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
Kyle's Mom is a Biiiiiiiitttttttttcccccccchhhhhhh, cha!
(Daria, Jane and Michael applaud. Trent and Jesse look bored.)
Trent: No way, kid. Sorry.
Cartman: God Dammit! I don't need you Jew pansies!
Michael: Hey! (Fires a few shots at Cartman's feet.)
Cartman: God Dammit! (Waddles off.)
Trent: C'mon. We can still catch CBGB's.
(They all climb into the elevator and head down.)