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NO NUDES IS GOOD NUDES
A Daria Fan Fiction Story
by
Peter W. Guerin
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With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, William Hanna, Joseph
Barbera, Alex Toth, Naoko Takeuchi, Tatsuo Yoshida, Osamu Tezuka,
Katsuhiko Nishijima, Yuji Moriyama, Eric Fogel, Akira Toriyama, Rumiko
Takahashi, Kenichi Sonada, Capcom, Jonathan Katz, Tom Snyder, Trey Parker,
Matt Stone and Mike Judge.
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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER
None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity, this story takes place after the events depicted in
"Stupid Sunday".
All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of
Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" characters are (c) 1966, 1994, 1999
Hanna-Barbera Productions/Space Planet Industries/Cartoon Network, a Time
Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved.
All "Kagaku Ninja-Tai Gatchaman" characters are (c) 1972, 1999 Tatsunoko
Productions, Ltd. All Rights Reserved.
All "Tetsuwan Atom" characters are (c) 1963, 1999 Mushi Productions, Ltd./
Tezuka Productions, Ltd. All Rights Reserved.
All "Birdman" characters are (c) 1967, 1999 Hanna-Barbera Productions, a
Time Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved.
All "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon" characters are (c) 1992, 1999 Naoko
Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Company, Ltd./DIC Enterprises LP. All
Rights Reserved.
All "Project A-ko" characters are (c) 1986, 1999 Final-Nishijima/
Soeishinsha/Pony Canyon/NEXTART/Central Park Media Corporation. All
Rights Reserved.
All "Dragon Ball Z" characters are (c)1986, 1989, 1999 Akira Toriyama/Bird
Studios/Toei Animation Company, Ltd./Funimation Productions, Inc./Saban
Entertainment, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Ranma 1/2" characters are (c) 1989, 1999 Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan,
Inc./Kitty/Fuji TV/Viz Communications, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Bubblegum Crisis" characters are (c) 1987, 1999 Artmic/Youmex/AnimEigo,
Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Street Fighter" characters are (c) 1991, 1994, 1999 Capcom Co., Ltd.
All Rights Reserved.
All "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist" characters are (c) 1996, 1999 HBO
Downtown Productions/Popular Arts Entertainment/Tom Snyder Productions/
Comedy Central. All Rights Reserved.
All "South Park" characters are (c) 1997, 1999 Branniff Productions/Comedy
Central. All Rights Reserved.
All "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are (c) 1993, 1999 MTV Networks, a
division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Quickdraw McGraw" characters are (c) 1959, 1999 Hanna-Barbera
Productions, a Time Warner Entertainment company. All Rights Reserved.
"Tampax" is a registered trademark of Tampax Corporation.
"Sperry" and "Unisys" are registered trademarks of Unisys, Inc.
"Kellogg's" and "Smart Start" are registered trademarks of
Kellogg's
Company, Inc.
"Diner's Club" is a registered trademark of Citigroup, Inc.
"Cablevision" is a registered trademark of Rainbow Communications LLC.
"Plymouth" and "Valiant" are registered trademarks of
Daimler-Chrysler AG.
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A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT
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This document has parenthetical endnotes in it. A number will be in
parentheses near the object in question and the corresponding endnote can
be found at the "Endontes" section of this story.
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ACT I--97, UCONN--94 (March Madness is upon us again!)
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("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play. We see Daria
at a movie theater; she's not laughing when the rest of the crowd is. At
gym class, we see Daria let the volleyball get past her, causing Stacy and
Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. In the hallway, Kevin and Brittany
are blocking Daria's locker. Daria takes out a whistle and blows on it,
causing Kevin to think it's time for practice. He and Brittany clear out,
and Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one
not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get past her
again, causing more hostile looks from Stacy and Tiffany. At a wedding,
the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan left to see Jake, Quinn and
Helen crying, while Daria calmly picks up a newspaper with the headline
"MAYOR INDICTED" on the front page. Finally, at gym class again, Stacy
and Tiffany collide as they try to get the volleyball. They fall
unconscious to the floor as the volleyball goes past Daria again.
Close-up of Daria smiling, then her face zooms up and over to form the
"Daria" logo, below which is the caption "in: No Nudes is Good
Nudes".)
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Scene 1: The Lane Residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale. Jane's Room.
About 6:00 PM Friday.
(Jane Lane is staring at a blank canvas. She's suffering from a creative
block. She picks up one of her brushes, then slams it down in disgust.)
Jane: Dammit! I just can't seem to get the old creative juices flowing
today! And Trent's birthday's going to be ten days from now! What am I
going to do?
(Suddenly, the phone rings. Jane answers it. Split screen showing Daria
Morgendorffer at the left and Jane at the right.)
Jane: Yo!
Daria: Jane, it's Daria. What's up?
Jane: Well, I seem to be suffering from some mental block. I want to do
a painting to give to Trent for his birthday and I'm stuck.
Daria: That's a rare day where you're suffering from a creative rut.
Anything I can do to help?
Jane: Maybe call in a truckload of Prozac?
Daria: You do sound desperate. Anyway, don't forget I'm going to be over
on Sunday for our weekly "Bad Movie Night". I did tape "Demon City
Shinjuku", and I do intend to watch it. (1)
Jane: What's that supposed to be about again?
Daria: It's kind of like "Nightmare on Elm Street" meets "Wall
Street".
This evil wizard takes over Tokyo's financial district and this guy and
his girlfriend's supposed to stop him from taking over the rest of the
world.
Jane: Sounds like the type of film they should give the old "Mystery
Science Theater 3000" treatment!
Daria: Sorry, "MST3K" doesn't do anime.
Jane: Aw, man! I would have loved those guys giving their critiques on
"Project A-ko" and "Akira"!
Daria: Anyway, see you on Sunday?
Jane: Sure. Just remember to bring the No-Doz in case we begin to fall
asleep.
Daria: Gotcha. Got to run; Quinn's expecting one of the three J's to
call her.
Jane: Bye. (She hangs up. She lets out a sigh of despair.) What am I
going to do? I've just got to paint something real nice for Trent for his
birthday!
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Scene 2: Food Court, Cranberry Commons, Lawndale, about 11:30 AM.
Background music: the opening piano section from "Praise You" by Fatboy
Slim.
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(We see the members of the Fashion Club sitting at a table. Salads and
diet sodas are all around the table.)
Quinn: So, does everybody have a date for tonight? I'm going to go out
with Jeffy.
Sandi: Oh, are you, Quinn? I've got a date with Skyler Feldman. (2)
(Quinn scowls at that.)
Stacy: I don't have anyone to go out with, I'm afraid.
Tiffany: I don't have anyone myself.
Sandi: Well, at least Quinn's weirdo sister Daria (3) has someone, that
Trent freak. God, I think I saw them having sex at the Seven Corners some
time back. (4)
(Quinn's getting uncomfortable about this; after all, she may not be crazy
about Daria, but still she shouldn't be referring to her as a whore.)
Quinn: Uh, Sandi, let's change the subject.
Stacy: (Thinking to herself.) Why is Sandi doing this? I owed it to
Daria to be there for her when she needed help. After all, she and her
friend Jane Lane were the only ones who were willing to listen to me when
I got dumped and cried my eyes out at the Ferris wheel at the medieval
fair. (5) I've got to get to know Daria better; she doesn't seem to be
the evil person Sandi's painting her to be. (6)
Quinn: Anyway, guys, I think I'm about to take the plunge!
Tiffany: What do you mean, Quinn?
Quinn: I thinking seriously about losing my virginity.
Sandi: Well, duh! What took you so long?
Quinn: And what do you mean by that remark, Sandi?
Sandi: Oh, nothing.
Quinn: (Scowling.) Well, for your information, I just might do it with
one of the Three J's. You know, they look pretty harmless enough.
Sandi: You mean, they won't fight back if you assert yourself, that is.
Quinn: And what do you mean by that?
Stacy: Uh, guys, could you excuse me? I've got to go to the ladies'
room. (She gets up and goes.)
Tiffany: What is with her these days? Stacy's been making a lot of trips
to the bathroom.
Sandi: Well, maybe she's got a case of the Hershey squirts, if you know
what I mean.
Quinn: (Shocked at Sandi's vulgarity.) Sandi, how can you say that about
Stacy?
Sandi: Well, Daria would say that if she was here, wouldn't she?
Quinn: What is it about you being so obsessive with Daria all of a
sudden? So, she's my sister, but does that really mean anything? Sure,
she reads a lot and is cynical, but everyone's got to have a specialty in
something; mine's about fashion, guys and my friends. Just let it go,
Sandi. Daria's really nobody. (7)
Sandi: Listen, Quinn, Daria is a nerd, a bitch and a creep. If she tries
to show me up again like she did at the debate tournament, I swear I'll
kill her! (8)
(Quinn gets this wan look on her face. Does Sandi really mean what she
just said to her?)
Tiffany: Like, what is Stacy doing anyway?
(Quick cut to the ladies' room. We see Stacy kneeling at a toilet, then
we hear her retch. Close-up of an empty bottle of syrup of ipecac. [9])
Sandi: So, Quinn, when do you think you and Jeffy will go the horizontal
mambo?
Quinn: I hope to ask the big question at Chez Pierre tonight. Wish me
luck.
Tiffany: Quinn, I really envy you.
(Stacy comes back.)
Stacy: Did I miss much?
Quinn: Oh, no, Stacy. C'mon, guys, let's hit the stores again!
(They all get up to go.)
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Scene 3: The Lanes' living room. About 2:00 PM the same day.
Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Fell on Black Days"
by Soundgarden.
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(We see Trent reclining on the couch. He seems to be watching something
on TV. Jane comes down the stairs; she looks pretty exasperated. She
still doesn't have any good ideas on what to paint Trent for his birthday.
She pauses.)
Jane: Yo, Trent!
Trent: What's up, Janey?
Jane: Oh, just suffering from some creative block. (She now notices what
Trent's watching: A videotape of "Titanic". It's the famous scene where
Jack is painting Rose in the nude. Close-up of the scene, but so arranged
so that we only see Rose's face, but not her breasts.) Trent, when did
you like "Titanic"?
Trent: Oh, I just like the final third of it, where the ship hits the
iceberg and it goes down. It's cool seeing all those people drown. It
kind of gets me inspired.
(Jane looks at the scene. Somehow, an idea strikes her. Misty dissolve
to what she's thinking: We see Daria nude, striking a pose similar to
what Mariel Hemmingway did on that episode of "Civil Wars" where she was
being painted in the nude. Her arms are covering her breasts and her
crotch. A gentle breeze blows her hair ever so slightly. We see a
background similar to what is often seen in scenes of romantic fantasy in
anime: Sakura or cherry blossom petals floating down from the sky against
a pink background. Daria seems to be portraying romantic innocence in
this pose. Close up of Daria, who says "I want you, Trent." Fast cut to
Trent, who says "You are so beautiful, Daria." They move closer to kiss.
Fast cut back to Jane, who now has that evil smirk on her face.)
Jane: Eureka!
Trent: I took a shower this morning after I woke up, Janey; I swear I
did.
Jane: No, I didn't mean that, Trent! I mean I got an idea! (She hurries
out the door.)
Trent: Whatever. (He takes the remote, ejects the first tape, puts in
the second, and fast forwards it to the scene where the look-out screams
"ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!" Trent chuckles a bit.)
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Scene 4: Morgendorffer Residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale.
Daria's room. About 2:45 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs
from "Celebrity Skin" by Hole.
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(Daria is sitting on her bed. Jane is standing not too far away from her.
Daria has a scowl on her face.)
Daria: For the last time, Jane, no! I am not going to pose nude for you
so you can do a painting to give to Trent for his birthday!
Jane: C'mon, Daria, it'll be fun! It'll be the only time I'll ever ask
you to pose nude for me! I swear!
Daria: Remember after I got my belly button pierced that I said that I
was doing a dumb thing to please a guy? (10) I promised myself that I
would never do anything like that again, even if it's for Trent.
Jane: You know, I could always ask someone else to pose for me.
(Speaking of which, Quinn passes by; she's just stepped out of the
bathroom. Her hair's wet because she just took a shower. She's wearing
a pink towel. She passes by Daria's room; the door's open.)
Quinn: Hey, you guys, what are you two arguing about?
Jane: Quinn, how would you like it if I did a nude painting of you?
Quinn: (Getting a bit apprehensive.) Well, I didn't exactly like those
two pictures of me you did where I was getting guillotined in one and I
was shot in the head in another. (11)
Jane: C'mon, it'll be fun. Let's see what you've got.
Quinn: OK, but I hope I've got a good figure for this. (Pauses as she
undoes the towel. Quick cut to her feet, as we see the towel drop.
Close-up of Quinn's head and shoulders.) Well, what do you think?
Jane: I think Trent will love it!
Quinn: (In panic mode now.) UGH! You're telling me you're doing this
for Trent! EWWWWW! (She picks up the towel, wraps it up again, then
flees to her room.)
Daria: (Petrified that Trent would even like a painting of Quinn nude.)
OK, OK, you've sold me on that. You haven't been taking lessons from
Jodie, have you?
Jane: Nope; any skills in extortion that I have are mine alone. Besides,
from what I saw you that day at the car wash fund raiser, you've got quite
a figure. (12)
Daria: Let's face it, Jane; I just don't have that great of a body. I'm
short, I've got small breasts, (13) and I don't have much in the way of
hips. (14)
Jane: Hey, some guys like small-breasted women. I personally don't like
people like Pamela Anderson who put tons of silicone into their boobs
anyway. Can I set you down for a 2 o'clock sitting tomorrow then?
Daria: OK, Jack, I'll be there.
Jane: Knew I could count on you, Rose. (Smirks and goes.)
Daria: (Gripping her fists.) Just count to ten and let all those
impulses about killing her go down.
(Quinn appears again. She's now wearing a pink floor-length gown.)
Quinn: Is she gone?
Daria: Yes, Mrs. Hugh Hefner is gone. Where are you going dressed like
that?
Quinn: I've got a date with Jeffy at Chez Pierre tonight.
Daria: And you're dressed up for the occasion now?
Quinn: Daria, it's best to be prepared for this way ahead of time. That
way it makes the guy think you put in a lot of time preparing for your big
night.
Daria: Maybe one of these days you should go out wearing my clothes like
the time you did for the Fashion Club's "Fashion Dont's Costume
Party." (15)
Quinn: And maybe you should go out to the Zen dressed like me like you
did that time after I got that "A" on my English essay! (16)
Daria: (Sniffing the air.) Let me guess, more of that "Nothing Smells!"
all-over teen body deodorant and moisturizing spray.
Quinn: Daria, will you give me a break about that! All you have in your
medicine cabinet is your toothbrush! (17)
Daria: And I bet you're still using those tampons that were linked to
toxic shock syndrome in laboratory animals.
Quinn: Well, it beats those pantyliners you're using!
Daria: Quinn, get out of here before I rip your throat out like a
marauding wolf!
Quinn: FINE! Let's see if Trent finds you attractive because you smell.
Emitting feminine order is so unfeminine! (She storms out in a huff.)
Daria: I wonder if I can persuade the President to order a strategic air
strike against Lake Success, New York? (18)
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Scene 5: Chez Pierre, About 7:00 PM.
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(Quinn is seated across the table from Jeffy, who's wearing a tuxedo.
They are enjoying their dinner. Quinn's having Medaillons de Bœuf
Béarnasie, while Jeffy's having Bouillabaisse. [19] Quinn takes a sip of
soda and notices it's a bit flat; however, she doesn't want it to spoil
the moment.)
Quinn: Jeffy, I'm really enjoying dinner tonight.
Jeffy: Uh, glad you like it, Quinn!
Quinn: (To a passing waiter.) Garcon, mon soda est flat. Envoyer il
revenir. (20)
(Jeffy passes his hand under the table and embraces Quinn's hand. Quinn
blushes ever so slightly. The waiter takes up the soda and departs.)
Jeffy: You know, Quinn, I really dig you, baby.
Quinn: Gee, thanks! (Blushes even more.)
Jeffy: Uh, Quinn, is there something you wanted to ask me?
Quinn: Well--uh--er--um--
Jeffy: Take all the time you want, Quinn; it's all right.
Quinn: (Draws a deep breath.) Well, I, I, I, I, I, I--
(Suddenly, she grips her stomach.)
Jeffy: Quinn, you don't look so good.
Quinn: Excuse me, Jeffy! (She runs to the ladies' room. We hear a loud
retching noise come from there. She now exits in haste.) Uh, Jeffy, I've
got to go now! I don't feel so good!
Jeffy: Uh, sure, Quinn. Garcon, le cheque!
(Quinn begins to cry silently, knowing she's blown it.)
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Scene 6: The Lane Residence, 2:00 PM Sunday. Jane's room. Background
music: the opening guitar riffs from "Soft Serve" by Soul Coughing.
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(Jane is standing next to her easel. She's got some paint ready on her
palette.)
Jane: C'mon, Daria, let's get the lead out here.
Daria: (Who went down the hall to the bathroom to take off her clothes
and put on her magenta robe from the "Ill" episode; we can hear her voice
down the hallway.) OK, but I'm warning you, if you even smirk at me just
once, I'm ripping your lips off and shoving them down your throat!
(Daria now steps inside Jane's room. She closes the door behind her. She
stands a few feet away from Jane.)
Jane: Come on now, take it off, or I'll be forced to play "Night
Train"! (21)
(Daria scowls as she undoes the belt on her robe. Shot of her back as she
slips out of the robe and we see her bare back.)
Jane: Heeeey! Nice bod!
(Close-up of head and shoulders shot of Daria.)
Daria: Hey, you promised!
Jane: Chill out, already!
(Daria now strikes that Mariel Hemmingway pose, her arms covering her
breasts and crotch. Jane now begins painting in earnest.)
Daria: After you're done, I want to do a nude painting of you, Jane.
Jane: Uh, uh, uh! You ain't doing me in the flesh!
(Daria scowls at that remark. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.)
Trent: (From the other side of the door.) Hey, Janey, could I borrow
some artist's varnish from you? I ran out of varnish to polish my guitar
neck!
Daria: (In total panic mode.) Don't let him see me like this!
Jane: Relax. (She grabs the varnish.)
Trent: (From the other side of the door.) Is everything all right in
there, Janey?
Jane: (As she opens the door and gives Trent the varnish.) Yeah,
everything's cool.
Trent: Uh, what are you doing exactly?
Jane: I'm doing something really special; it's kind of a surprise.
(Close-up of Daria sweating, still holding that pose.)
Daria: (To herself.) If I survive this, I swear I'll kill her!
Trent: Cool. Thanks. (He closes the door.)
Jane: OK, now where were we?
Daria: I've got to take a break from posing like this; my arms are
starting to hurt.
Jane: OK, take five.
(Shot of Daria's back as she drops her arms. Head-and-shoulders shot of
her now.)
Jane: Hey, is that the scar from where you got pierced? (22)
Daria: I don't want to talk about it.
Jane: And that's a very interesting birthmark on your right breast.
Daria: Will you stop looking at me like that? It makes me feel
uncomfortable.
Jane: C'mon, Daria. Trent's seen you like this. You did sleep with him
after we freed Lawndale from the militia group. (23)
Daria: I just feel uncomfortable about other people looking at me nude.
I've been that way since Todd sexually assaulted me. (24)
Jane: Daria, you look beautiful. You really do. You just don't realize
that. You're so used to looking at yourself wearing those glasses,
jacket, shirt, skirt and boots all the time. OK, OK, so I wear lipstick,
but I only do that because I think of my own body as another canvas to
express myself artistically. (25) But, you, however, don't need any
make-up. You're perfect the way you are. Don't let anyone else tell you
differently.
Daria: (Now letting that faint Mona Lisa smile smirk from her face.)
Thanks, Jane. You just made me feel better about myself.
Jane: OK, so let's finish this painting up, then, OK?
Daria: OK. (She resumes the Mariel Hemmingway pose.)
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Scene 7: Outside the Morgendorffer residence. About the same time.
Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "46 & 2" by Tool.
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(We see Sandi's yellow convertible drive up to the house. It stops.
Sandi gets a rock she picked up from the side of the road from the
dashboard, puts on some gloves, and throws the rock right at Daria's
window, smashing it. Sandi drives off at a high speed. Shot of the house
as we hear Helen say, "Jake, what was that?" Jake says in response, "What
was what?" Helen groans in exasperation.)
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Scene 8: Jane's room. About 6:30 PM.
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(Jane is now finished with the painting. It has a nude Daria against a
pink background with sakura petals floating around her. Daria is wearing
her normal clothes now.)
Jane: Well, what do you think?
Daria: Jane, I have to say I'm impressed.
Jane: Now all we have to do is to keep it hidden until Trent's birthday.
He's going to love it!
Daria: Just as long as you don't do something stupid and put it on
display first.
Jane: I promise you I won't do anything like that, Daria.
Daria: (Thinking to herself.) But, then again, why do I have the
feeling that something like that is going to happen?
(Suddenly, the phone rings. Jane answers it.)
Jane: Yo! (Pause.) It's for you, Daria; it's Helen.
(Daria picks up the phone. Split screen to show Helen on the left and
Daria on the right.)
Daria: Hi, Mom.
Helen: Daria, I couldn't get through to you for hours!
Daria: Well, Jane's mother can't hear it when she's down in the basement
doing her pottery; Trent usually sleeps through it, and Jane usually
leaves it off the hook when she's doing her paintings.
Helen: Daria, you'd better get back here. Someone threw a rock through
your window.
(An expression of shock on Daria's face can be seen. That jeering,
teasing version of "La, la, LA, la, la!" with appropriate jeering, teasing
music can be heard as we see a widescreen shot of Daria striking her
Mariel Hemmingway pose in slow motion and in a blue tint with the "Daria"
logo superimposed over it.)
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COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1
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Moltar: On the next "Space Ghost Coast to Coast", it's Sailor Moon!
(Shot of Space Ghost on the set of his talk show, with Sailor Moon on the
monitor.)
Space Ghost: So, Sailor Moon, who was your biggest influence?
Sailor Moon: I've got quite a few, Space Ghost: Jun the Swallow from
"Gatchaman"; Uran from "Tetsuwan Atom"; A-ko Magami from "Project
A-ko";
and Birdman!
Space Ghost: NOOOOO! NOT BIRDMAN!
(Shot of Zorak at his keyboard.)
Zorak: Hey, Sailor Moon! Brak and I like all those panty shots on your
show!
Space Ghost: Who asked you, Zorak! (He aims his fist at Zorak and fires
a beam at him, blowing him up.)
Moltar: That's all happening on the next "Space Ghost Coast to Coast".
Friday night at 11:00 PM Eastern, 10:00 PM Central, on Cartoon Network.
(Another commercial.)
Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", it's an "All-Anime"
edition! The main event will pit A-ko Magami from "Project A-ko" versus
Sailor Moon!
(Shot of A-ko and Sailor Moon fighting.)
A-ko: You swiped the "seirafuku" costume idea from me and never gave me
any credit for it! (She punches her in the face.)
Sailor Moon: Who gives a shit, you has-been! MOON PRINCESS HALATION!
(She takes out her Moon Scepter and turns A-ko to dust.)
Announcer: On the undercard, it's Son Goku from "Dragon Ball Z" versus
Ranma Saotome from "Ranma 1/2"!
(Scene of Goku and Ranma fighting.)
Goku: SPIRIT BOMB! (He hurls the Spirit Bomb at Ranma, knocking him out
of the ring.)
Spectator: (Running with a glass of cold water.) Here, Ranma, have some
water! (He trips.) OOPS! (He drops the glass, and Ranma is soaked; he
turns into a woman.)
Ranma: (In his girl voice.) Oh, no! Not again!
Announcer: Finally, it's Priss from "Bubblegum Crisis" versus Chun Li
from "Street Fighter".
(Chun Li does that whirling attack with her legs. Priss zaps her with one
of her gauntlet-mounted zappers. Chun Li falls to the mat unconscious.)
Priss: Is that the best you can give? HA! I met Boomers with more
spunk!
Announcer: That's all happening on the next "Celebrity Deathmatch"!
Thursday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on MTV!
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ACT II--105, SYRACUSE--99 (The Orangemen better get their act together if
they want to go to March Madness!)
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Scene 2: Daria's room. About 7:00 PM Sunday night.
(Daria surveys the broken window from the attack earlier. Jake, Helen and
Quinn are with her.)
Helen: As I was telling you on the phone, Daria, I don't know who could
have done this.
Daria: (Noticing the rock on the floor.) Do you think the police could
analyze the fingerprints on the rock?
Helen: I've already thought of that, Daria. However, it looks like the
person who did this was wearing gloves.
Jake: Whoever did this was pretty sharp.
Quinn: Are you happy now, Daria? People are getting physically violent
against you and your geeky friends. All this wouldn't have happened if
Mom didn't tell Sandi's Mom that we were sisters!
Daria: And what do you mean by that, Quinn?
Quinn: It's obvious, isn't it? Most people can't stand brainy people
like you.
Daria: I think Albert Einstein once said something to the effect that
brilliant minds are often persecuted.
Helen: Maybe we're all making a lot of fuss about this than it's worth.
However, I am going to contact some of our friends and find out who could
have been responsible.
Jake: Anyway, how was your day over at Jane's, kiddo?
Daria: Fine. I helped Jane with a painting she's doing for Trent's
birthday.
Helen: Oh, that's nice of her, sweetie. Anyway, the glaziers are going
to be here first thing after you've gone to school, so the window will be
fixed by the time you get back. Of course, we'll have to have those
God-awful bars removed first.
Daria: Well, you did promise to redecorate my room after we moved in
here. (26)
Helen: I will Daria; I just have been so busy these days.
Daria: (To herself.) Like you've been most of my life.
Jake: Well, if no one minds, I'm gong to have a martini.
(Helen just rolls her eyes as Jake heads downstairs.)
Helen: (Motioning to a piece of cardboard and some duct tape on the
floor.) In the meantime, you can put that piece of cardboard over the
broken pane. I've got to finish up on some paperwork for the defective
hand grenade case for the local National Guard unit. (She heads
downstairs.)
Quinn: I could help, but I've got to try out some new scrunchies I got
yesterday. Bye! (She departs.)
(With a sigh, Daria picks up the cardboard and tape, and begins to bung up
the broken pane.)
Daria: I always wind up having to clean up other people's messes around
here, don't I? Just a few hours ago, I was posing nude for Jane's
painting for Trent, and now I'm fixing my window up. That's the sad story
of my life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: The Lane's living room, 7:30 PM Monday. Background music:
that Calypso-sounding drum break from "Body Moving" by the Beastie Boys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Amanda Lane's "Women in Clay" support group is in full swing. Various
women are busy shaping pottery on wheels. One of the women is easily
recognized as Claire DeFoe, Jane's art teacher, who just joined the
group. [27])
Amanda: OK, we're about to start on our latest project: making some nice
vases to donate to the Senior Citizens' Center so they can put flowers in
them and help cheer up the patients there. Shall we begin?
DeFoe: Excuse me, Amanda, but could I use your bathroom?
Amanda: The one here is being used by Heather. (28) The one upstairs
is available.
DeFoe: Thanks. (She heads up the stairs. As she heads for the bathroom,
she notices Jane's bedroom. Jane is busy with another painting. DeFoe
decides she'll stop by and see her after she uses the bathroom. A minute
or two later, there's a knock on Jane's door.) Mind if I come in?
Jane: (In surprise.) Oh, hi, Ms. DeFoe.
DeFoe: So, this is your room?
Jane: Everyone gets shocked the first time they see this place. (She
lifts up the sheets of her bed.) See, I use cinder blocks to hold up my
bed.
DeFoe: (Noticing all the art around her.) This is amazing. (She looks
at the painting of Quinn in a guillotine.) Say, isn't that Daria
Morgendorffer's sister Quinn there?
Jane: (Blushing with embarrassment a bit.) Well, I was in a bit of a
foul mood that day.
DeFoe: (Now noticing some other art.) You know, Jane, you are a very
talented artist. You should put some of this on display. You know, the
County Museum of Modern Art (29) is going to be hosting a "Best of Teen
Art" exhibit. It won't be a contest or anything like that. I know you're
still mad about how Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill tried to censor your
anti-bulimia poster. (30)
Jane: Yeah, and Brittany wound up winning.
(DeFoe now notices Jane's nude painting of Daria.)
DeFoe: Oh, Jane, this painting is beautiful!
Jane: (Noticing what DeFoe's seeing.) Uh, that one I was gong to give to
Trent for his birthday one week from today.
DeFoe: Isn't that Daria there?
Jane: (Getting embarrassed.) Well, it was just a crazy idea of mine.
DeFoe: Daria looks so innocent and beautiful in that picture. Who really
knew that beneath her drab clothes and her glasses was someone so
ravishing? Jane, this is the picture I think should be displayed at
COMMA.
Jane: Ms. DeFoe, this is going to be Trent's birthday gift.
DeFoe: It'll only be for a month. You can give it to him after that.
Jane: I promised Daria I wasn't going to put it on display. She was kind
of embarrassed posing for this in the first place.
DeFoe: Please, Jane; don't do this for me or for the school, do it for
yourself. I think this is the best painting you've ever done.
Jane: (She's taken hook, line and sinker by this.) You really think so?
DeFoe: Yes, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your teacher. I
really mean it.
Jane: OK, but I don't know how Daria's going to take this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: The hallway at Lawndale High School, 9:15 AM Tuesday.
Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Crash into Me"
by the Dave Matthews Band.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Open with a close-up shot of Daria extremely perturbed.)
Daria: You did WHAT?!?!?!?
Jane: C'mon, Daria, Ms. DeFoe said it was only going to be for a month.
Daria: Jane, I don't think I can be comfortable with the fact that
everyone in the Tri-County Area can see me stark raving naked at the local
art museum; I could be the target of protests.
Jane: Who would protest?
Daria: Sandi and the other members of the Fashion Club. There's also my
parents to consider.
Jane: Do you really worry what Jake and Helen will think? Besides, when
you're in art class, you have to do a nude painting eventually, right?
Daria: Then how come the art class here in school doesn't do that?
Jane: I did a nude once when I decided to enroll in an advanced art class
three summers ago at the Tri-County BOCES. (31)
Daria: Was it a woman?
Jane: Yeah, a redhead. She had hooters the size of Wisconsin. (Daria
frowns at that.) Daria, I can't do any nude paintings here in school
because Ms. Li would have a fit, but the BOCES is out of her control. It
was actually fun doing that nude.
Daria: You are a pervert, you know that?
Jane: (Smirking at that remark.) I've been sneaking at my mother's
issues of "Playgirl" since I was 13.
Daria: That figures.
Jane: Daria, I promise you that if anything goes wrong, you can scratch
my eyes out.
Daria: Don't tempt me.
Jane: Besides, it could have been Quinn being put on display at COMMA.
(Daria lets out a Mona Lisa smile over that.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: The LHS Cafeteria, about 10:30 AM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The Fashion Club is sitting at a table. Quinn's moaning.)
Quinn: Oh, I can't believe I blew it! I had the chance to ask Jeffy and
I blew it!
Sandi: Oh, I bet you were afraid about blowing it in another way.
Quinn: Sandi, I won't go down on a guy! That's gross!
Sandi: Hey, it's easy.
Quinn: You're not saying that you. . .
Sandi: Yes, Quinn. You're just afraid of what would happen when the
guy. . .
Quinn: Let's not get there, Sandi!
Tiffany: Yeah, let's not go there.
Stacy: You know, this is making me sick. I've got to go to the bathroom
again. (She gets up and goes.)
Quinn: Anyway, I'm going to ask Jamie instead.
Sandi: Yeah, and this time, don't throw up!
Tiffany: I'm still concerned about all the trips Stacy's making to the
bathroom.
Sandi: You know, Stacy's been acting weird since she got on that Ferris
wheel along with Daria and Jane at the medieval fair. Her continued
membership in this organization is beginning to become questionable.
Quinn: Oh, come on, Sandi, Stacy's still the same old girl we know.
Tiffany: I don't know about that. She doesn't make these many trips to
the bathroom usually.
Sandi: Anyway, Quinn, (grabbing a banana next to her.) let me show you
some technique I picked up. (She peels the banana, closes her eyes, opens
her mouth with a moan, then slowly inserts the banana into it. She slowly
moves the banana in and out of her mouth, moaning all the time.)
Quinn: Sandi, you're making me sick!
Sandi: (Stopping.) You know, Quinn, you're not going to get anywhere
with guys unless you're willing to do anything for them. You're as
stubborn as your sister Daria, you know that? (Grimacing.) Boy, do I
hate her! I'd like to wrap my hands around her throat and strangle her
until she turns twenty different shades of blue and purple!
Quinn: (Getting really nervous about what Sandi's saying.) Uh, Sandi, we
all can't stand Daria, but that doesn't mean we should kill her?
Tiffany: Yeah, Sandi, like, get a grip!
(Stacy returns.)
Stacy: Did I miss much?
Quinn: Er, no.
Sandi: Quinn, if you want to get ahead in this world, you've got to be
more assertive. Otherwise, you're just going to be stuck right where you
are.
Quinn: But I am trying my best, Sandi!
Stacy: Did you hear that COMMA's going to be exhibiting some teen art
work starting tomorrow? Ms. DeFoe said that a piece done by Jane Lane's
going to be the centerpiece of the exhibit. She's given these flyers
(Showing one.) to all the parents about it.
Quinn: UGH! Not Jane! I can't stand her! She and her brother both!
Her brother's always calling me (doing a rather lame-o impersonation of
Trent.) "Daria's sister!" What does Daria see in Trent anyway? He's
just a guitar-playing bum! He doesn't even know how to dress fashionably.
What is wrong with that whole family, for God's sakes?
Tiffany: That, I'm afraid we'll never know, Quinn.
(The bell rings, signifying the end of the period.)
Stacy: Save you a place at the mirror, Quinn!
Sandi: (Muttering to herself.) To slip some lye into Daria's milk at
lunch and see her gag! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
(Quinn has this puzzled look on her face.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5: The County Museum of Modern Art, 7:00 PM Wednesday.
Background music: the opening guitar and synthesizer riffs from
"Under Your Skin" by Lucious Jackson.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The museum is crowded. Almost everyone we know in the series is here for
the opening of the exhibit. The Morgendorffers are way in the back, with
Daria rearmost. The Lanes are up front. Standing next to Daria is
Charles Ruttheimer III, a/k/a Upchuck. Also noticeable are the Griffins,
the Taylors, the Thompsons, the Landons, and the various faculty members
of Lawndale High we're all familiar with: Principal Angela Li; English
teacher Timothy O'Neill; science teacher Janet Barch; social studies
teacher Anthony DeMartino; psychologist Dr. Margaret Manson; school nurse
Arlene Chase, who's a fat, dumpy lady in her 50's with long black hair and
brown eyes; girls' gym teacher Samantha Morris, [32] football coach George
Gibson [33], a fat man with balding brown hair and blue eyes; and Ms.
DeFoe, who's up in front with a picture with a cloth covering it. We also
happen to see the Fashion Club as well as Andrea the Goth girl and the
three J's. Also present--oddly enough--are Tren't fellow band members in
Mystik Spiral: rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno, and his brother Danny, [34]
a guy with blonde hair, blue eyes, and wearing a grungy Mystik Spiral
T-shirt, blue jeans and earrings; bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer
Max Tyler are here as well. Standing next to Ms. DeFoe is Arthur Riley,
the director of COMMA; he has slicked-back hair, a thin mustache and is
wearing a dark blue Armani suit. Mr. Riley is standing behind a podium.)
Jake: You know, it was real nice of Ms. DeFoe to invite us to this art
exhibit, don't you think, kiddo?
Daria: (In her usual monotone.) I'm thrilled.
(Fast cut to Trent and the other members of Mystik Spiral.)
Jesse: So, Trent, what's with you saying that your sister is headlining
this exhibit?
Trent: All I know is that Janey's teacher was so impressed with a
painting she done recently that she wanted to display it. That's all I
know.
Danny: Trent, you know if Jane's going to have that drawing she promised
me for the next issue of the fan club newsletter? (35)
Trent: I dunno; I'll have to ask her after the exhibit opens.
(Fast cut back to Daria; Upchuck now approaches her.)
Upchuck: Oh, Darrrriaaa!
Daria: God help me!
Upchuck: You know, art has a way of bringing out romance. After this
exhibit, would you mind spending some intimate time with me?
Daria: Upchuck, if you don't leave me alone this instant, I will cut your
tongue out.
(Upchuck gets the message and begins to go away.)
Upchuck: ROWR! Feisty! (He passes Trent and Jesse.)
Jesse: Hey, Trent, isn't that guy the one they call Upchuck that Daria's
always talking about?
Trent: That guy needs a lot of help.
(Mr. Riley now taps the microphone to get everyone's attention.)
Riley: May I have your attention, please? (The crowd quiets down.)
Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to COMMA, the
County Museum of Modern Art. Today we at COMMA are very proud to open
this exhibit dedicated to teen art. All of these pieces of art on display
here were made by these teens on their own time.
Li: (To herself.) What a waste. If what Ms. DeFoe was telling me about
Ms. Lane's painting is true, it should have been done in class in order to
give honor to Lawndale High!
O'Neill: (To himself.) I wonder what Jane's done that merits her
painting being the centerpiece of the exhibit?
DeMartino: (To himself.) Why am I WASTING my TIME here when I should be
getting DRUNK at the RathSKELler! (36)
Manson: (To herself.) This could give me an opportunity to see how Jane
ticks; often one's art expresses what's in the painter's mind.
Morris: (To herself.) I hope she's a better artist than she is as an
athlete!
Riley: To open this exhibit, I'm pleased to have Claire DeFoe, the art
teacher at Lawndale High, unveil the centerpiece of the exhibit. It's a
painting done by one of her students, Jane Lane, called "Naked Innocence".
Ms. DeFoe?
(DeFoe steps to the podium.)
Doug Thompson: (Out loud.) Maybe she did a nude painting of Brittany!
Charlene Thompson: (Smacking her husband upside the head.) Doug, knock
it off! You want to put ideas in Kevin's head that he should be sleeping
with that tramp?
Steve Taylor: That reminds me, I've got to donate that nude painting of
you to the Getty Museum, Ashley-Amber.
(Ashley-Amber giggles.)
Andrew Landon: Man, I'm just glad they're not-for-profit; taking a risk
like this is very risky taxwise.
Michele Landon: Andrew, the museum is operated by the county government.
Andrew: Man, this place is an even bigger waste of taxpayers' money than
welfare cheats are! You'd think at least they'd have some Renaissance
paintings here!
(Jodie, who's standing nearby, just closes her eyes and puts her hand to
her forehead.)
Jodie: Dad!
Linda Griffin: This has got to be good! I smell controversy brewing! If
only I was still a beat reporter!
Tom Griffin: If this painting sells for a lot of money, Jane's going to
need some investment advice and some tax help.
Sandi: Like, Dad, you wouldn't really be that freak's accountant now,
would you?
Tom: Well, I did help her and her brother when the IRS was on their
case. (37)
(Sam and Chris are seen fighting.)
Andrea: Why did I even bother showing up for this? So far, it's just a
big bore!
DeFoe: Thank you, Mr. Riley. Before I unveil this piece of art, let me
just say that when I first saw this in Jane's room, I was very surprised.
When you see this painting, you'll agree that it's a very beautiful work
of art. Now, without further ado, I now unveil "Naked Innocence."
(DeFoe now steps up to the painting, and removes the cloth. Quick cuts to
show expressions of shock, amusement and wonder on various faces.)
Helen: Wait a minute! That's Daria!
Jake: Where?
Helen: Jake, that's her in the painting, you dolt!
Jake: Where?
Quinn: Right in front of you, Dad!
Trent: Cool!
Jesse: Man, out of sight!
Andrea: All right, Daria!
Sandi: What!
Stacy and Tiffany: Huh?
Andrew: Ho-boy!
Steve: Impressive.
Doug: YOWZA YOWZA! (Charlene smacks him upside the head again.)
Upchuck: ROWR! The girl of my dreams stark raving nekkid!
Linda: OOOOO, I'm going to roast Helen but good on this!
Helen: Daria, I want a word with you right now!
(Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand up to her forehead.)
Quinn: Well, my reputation's shot to Hell now! Everyone's going to be
calling me "the sister of the weirdo who posed nude for that painting at
COMMA!"
Jake: My God, Daria! I didn't know you were that well-endowed!
Helen: Daria, how could you do that to us?
Daria: I just did it as a favor for Jane. She was doing it so she could
give it to Trent for his birthday.
Helen: Daria, giving a nude painting of yourself to a guy who's five
years older than you and an adult is not a very appropriate birthday gift!
Jake: Then again, she does look kind of cute.
Helen: Jake, shut up!
Jake: (Meekly.) Yes, dear!
Helen: Daria, you've just embarrassed us! What do you have to say for
yourself?
Li: (Approaching the Morgendorffers with O'Neill and Manson.) Ms.
Morgendorffer, I have to say that I'm stunned, but in a positive manner.
This painting of Ms. Lane's really impressed me.
Daria: Remember that the next time you call us on the carpet.
O'Neill: Daria, I didn't knew you were so captivating without your
glasses.
Manson: It's obvious you're suffering from an unstable mind. Care to
make an appointment for tomorrow to discuss this?
Li: Dr. Manson, this is not the act of an insane person; this is a work
of art!
Daria: I wonder what's got into her?
Trent: (Approaching with the rest of Mystik Spiral.) Hey, Daria, nice
painting.
(Daria blushes in embarrassment.)
Daria: Well, Trent, I--
Helen: I don't know if you set your sister and my daughter up to this,
but right now, I am very mad at you, you leach!
Trent: Hey, Mrs. M, it was Janey's idea.
Amanda: (Approaching right behind.) And, besides, it's beautiful. You
know, your daughter is very interesting, Helen.
Helen: Amanda, if I want your opinion or anyone else's opinions from your
kooky family, I'll ask for it!
Linda: (Approaching Helen.) So, Helen, how does it feel to have a
daughter who's a slut?
(Helen pops Linda one across the mouth. She grabs Daria by the wrist and
hauls her away, Jake and Quinn following her.)
Tom: You know, Linda, you really know how to push her buttons.
Linda: (Shrieking.) Who asked you, Tom!
Trent: Mom, I don't think Daria's parents like the fact she posed nude
for the painting.
Amanda: And why do I have the feeling she's not the only one?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6: The living room of Brad Schlitz, president of the Lawndale
Taxpayers' Association, about 11:00 PM. Background music: The opening
guitar riffs and "Whoo-ooo-ooo-ooo!" from "Rooster" by Alice in
Chains.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Schlitz, a man with scraggly black hair and in his mid-50's, is seen
sitting on his couch, watching the KSBC 11 O'clock News. [38] The
reporter is a blonde guy with gray eyes and wearing a gray business suit.)
Reporter: (On the TV.) We lead off tonight's news with a shocking
development at the County Museum of Modern Art, or COMMA. It seems the
centerpiece of a "Teen Art Exhibit" is a nude painting of a sixteen year
old girl made by a friend of hers that was going to be given to her
brother for his birthday. Jane Lane, also 16, of 111 Howard Drive, said
she made the nude painting of her friend Daria Morgendorffer originally to
give to her brother, Trent, age 21, who's the lead singer and lead
guitarist for the local rock band Mystik Spiral. Ms. Lane's art teacher
at Lawndale High School, Claire DeFoe, was so impressed with the painting
she decided to have it displayed at COMMA. However, when it was revealed
what the subject was, there was an uproar where Daria's mother, noted
lawyer Helen Morgendorffer, punched KSBC's own Vice President of Marketing
Linda Griffin. Police had to be called in to break up the melee that
followed, and the museum closed early.
Schlitz: They're not gonna use my tax money to display kiddie porn at the
local museum! (He picks up the phone and dials.) Yeah, Ben? It's Brad.
Time for us to organize another picket and file another lawsuit! I know
we lost that last one due to that bitch Judge Feeder, but this time we're
gonna have a case even she can't throw out! Meet me at COMMA tomorrow
morning at 9 O'clock!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 7: The hallway at Lawndale High, about 9:30 AM Thursday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway. Quinn and the other members
of the Fashion Club approach from the opposite direction.)
Jane: Uh, oh! Prepare yourself for trouble, Daria!
Daria: I can handle those creeps, Jane.
Sandi: Hey, Daria, I didn't know you needed an electron microscope to see
your tits!
(Quinn is mortified at this; sure, Daria's no prize, but Sandi seems to be
crossing over some lines that dare not be crossed.)
Tiffany: Are you still a virgin? With a body like that, you're not going
to get laid.
Stacy: Maybe she's beautiful in her own way.
Sandi: (Snarling under her breath.) Ixnay on the omments-cay, Stacy!
(Stacy shuts up.)
Quinn: Uh, guys, let's change the subject.
(The Fashion Club depart.)
Jane: You got off lightly that time.
Daria: That won't be the end of that, I'm afraid.
Jane: So, what did your parents do to you after you got back?
Daria: I'm banned from your house for a week, and I can't have pizza with
you after school for a week as well. Further, I can't go see Mystik
Spiral this Saturday at the Zen, either.
Jane: Man, is that all? I thought for sure she'd stretch you out on the
rack!
Daria: Jane, I have very strong feelings for Trent, you know that. You
know how week in the knees I can get with him. There was the time we were
broken down on the way to Alternapalooza, (39) and the time we were at
Dega Street and I got that piercing through my belly button. (40)
Jane: Who would forget that?
Daria: Jane, I love Trent, OK? I guess part of me was pleased that I
posed nude for that painting, though my better half wants to kick me in
the ass right now.
Jane: Would you do it again?
Daria: Hell, no! And go through all this embarrassment again?
(Fast cut to Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club.)
Quinn: So, anyway, guys, I'm planning to ask Jamie to Chez Pierre
tomorrow night. I'll ask him the big question that I meant to ask Jeffy.
Sandi: Quinn, this time, don't throw up!
Quinn: (Weak, embarrassed laugh from her.) Yeah, right.
Sandi: And, remember, if you're a real woman--
Quinn: UGH! I won't do it, Sandi! You hear me? I will NOT give him a--
(Suddenly, DeFoe dashes past them, cutting off what Quinn was about to
say.)
Tiffany: What is with her?
Sandi: Who knows? She is so weird! No wonder Jane Lane likes her.
(Fast cut to DeFoe, who catches up with Daria and Jane.)
DeFoe: Daria, Jane, I need to talk to you!
Daria: Ran out of room at your studio apartment to house your ex-college
suitemates and looking for us to take in the overflow? You've chosen the
wrong people, sister. (41)
DeFoe: It's worse than that! The Lawndale Taxpayers' Association is
picketing COMMA over the painting Jane did of you!
Daria: What the Hell?
Jane: Those right-wing bigots!
DeFoe: After school's over, I'm taking you there so you can see for
yourselves. Meet me at the faculty parking lot at 3:15 PM!
(She dashes off again.)
Daria: Why do I have the feeling that if the Y2K Bug won't bring this
country to its knees, it'll be idiotic groups like them?
Jane: Yeah, you're right. Computer glitches have nothing on militia
groups and their common law courts. (42)
Daria: If you're masochistic, then maybe you're up to going there?
Jane: Aw, Hell, why not? At least it'll give you an excuse to Helen as
to why you were with me after class.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 8: COMMA, about 3:45 PM. Background music: the opening guitar
riffs from "Take the Power Back" by Rage Against the Machine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Members of the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association are marching around COMMA,
bearing placards which say among other things "NO KIDDIE PORN WITH OUR TAX
$!"; "ABOLISH COMMA! GET RID OF THE PORN!"; and "YOUR TAX DOLLARS
WASTED
AGAIN!". One placard has a picture of Jane, an equal sign, and a
picture of notorious photographer Robert Mapplethorpe. Another has a
picture of Thomas Jefferson on it. [43] The crowd is chanting "HEY, HEY,
HO, HO, THE PORN AT COMMA HAS GOT TO GO!" Brad Schlitz is here, along
With Ben Gray, who's wearing a button that says "VOTE FOR BEN GRAY FOR
LAWNDALE COUNTY COMMISSIONER." [44])
Gray: Vote for me at the county elections this year and I'll shut this
smut factory down! "Carpe diem!" (45)
(Schlitz is surrounded by reporters from all three TV stations Lawndale
has, along with members of the press.)
Schlitz: This is just another example of the arrogance the county
government here displays towards "We the People"! Remember, King George
III of England and King Louis XVI of France were big patrons of the arts
themselves--as well as being tyrannical. We will continue to picket until
that smut is removed.
KSBC Reporter: Mr. Schlitz, perhaps maybe you're overreacting toward
something that's totally innocent?
Schlitz: Yeah, and Kunzite and Zoisite on Sailor Moon are actually closet
heterosexuals!
KSBC Reporter: There are some who say "If we censor this, we might as
well cut off the penis off of Michaelangelo's statue of David."
Schlitz: You're a commie bastard, you know that? You and all you leftist
media buddies! You're trying to funnel my tax money to New York City!
KSBC Reporter: We're no where near New York City!
Schlitz: It all winds up there one way or another.
(We now see DeFoe's car pull up across the street. DeFoe, Daria and Jane
step out.)
Daria: Oh, my God.
Jane: It's a whole mob out there!
DeFoe: Jane, I am so sorry about this! If I knew your painting was going
to spark this much controversy, I wouldn't have bothered to ask you to put
it on display.
Jane: Well, it's kind of late now for that, isn't it?
Daria: Let's handle these creeps.
(Daria, Jane and DeFoe now approach the demonstration. Schlitz notices.)
Schlitz: There's that slut and her friend now! Hey, you slut, are you
and your friend lesbians? (46)
Daria: No, Jane and I are not lesbians. And I don't like being called a
slut!
Schlitz: One of these days, we're gonna nail your ass to the wall!
Daria: You and your Lawndale Militia buddies had two chances at that, and
you blew both of them. (47)
Schlitz: Don't cross with me, young lady, or I'll sue your ass in court,
and not even your smartass lawyer mother can get you out of it!
(Daria clenches her fists at her sides. DeFoe notices.)
DeFoe: Daria, don't start a fight with them! We don't want to get this
any more complicated than it already is.
Daria: Just one hit below the belt. That'll teach him.
Jane: I hate to take Ms. DeFoe's side on this, but you know she's right.
DeFoe: We'd better leave while we can. Knowing them, they've filed a
lawsuit against COMMA. Let the courts decide on this.
Daria: I had some bad experiences with judges in the past several
months. (48)
DeFoe: If Judge Feeder hears their case, you can be sure she'll toss it
out due to lack of standing on their part.
Jane: Who's Judge Feeder?
DeFoe: Judge Kathy Feeder was appointed to the City Court by the governor
after Judge Harlon Smith died from a heart attack last year. She used to
be Oakwood Town Judge, and their militia movement's more powerful there.
She's got a reputation for taking no crap from those goons. She sent
Oakwood Militia leader Reinhold Gornstein away for the maximum jail term
of twenty years for forgery after he tried to use forged eviction papers
issued by his common law court against an African-American family that had
moved into an all-white neighborhood there.
Daria: There's got to be some kind of mistake here. Good people like her
don't exist in Lawndale.
Jane: C'mon, Daria, Ms. DeFoe's proof that they are.
Daria: Yeah, she and about only seven other people like her.
Jane: Maybe Ms. DeFoe's right; let's see what happens.
Daria: Oh, Hell. (To Schlitz.) Don't think I'm turning tail on you,
Schlitz! I'll be back!
(Daria, Jane and DeFoe go back to DeFoe's car and drive off. slow pan to
the left to an alleyway, where we see Stacy, who's been observing all
this.)
Stacy: Man, Daria was so confident of herself and stood up to those guys.
Why can't I be more like her? Why does Sandi hate her so much? (She
grips her stomach.) Uh-oh! Time to hit the toilet again. (She rushes
off to the nearest ladies' room.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 9: Chez Pierre, 7:30 PM Friday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Quinn's in formal wear again while Jamie's in a tux. Same meals as with
her failed date with Jeffy.)
Jamie: Quinn, you look beautiful tonight.
Quinn: (Blushing.) Why, thanks, Jamie.
Jamie: Uh, Quinn, you look like you have something to say.
Quinn: Well, I--I--I--
Jamie: Take your time, Quinn. It's OK.
Quinn: (To herself.) If I blow this again, Sandi and the others will
make me into a laughing stock! (To Jamie.) Jamie, I've had a wonderful
night and all that. Could we top it off with a trip to Lover's Lane? (49)
Jamie: Sure. Anything else?
Quinn: Could we also stop at the E-Z-Mart on the way there? Uh, I've got
to get a few things.
(Jamie kind of gets the hint. He takes his hand and squeezes Quinn's.)
Jamie: If you're feeling nervous about it, I can make you feel better by
saying that it'll be my first time too.
Quinn: Aw, how sweet! (She motions to a waiter.) Garcon, le cheque!
Jamie: No, I've got it, Quinn!
Quinn: Jamie, Mom let me borrow her platinum card today.
Jamie: Man, Quinn, all my folks have is Diner's Club(r).
Quinn: How gauche! But I forgive you.
Jamie: Gee, thanks, Quinn!
Quinn: No biggie! (To herself.) Is he the ribbed type or the reservoir
tip type?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 10: COMMA, about 8:30 PM. Background music: "No Quarter" from Led
Zeppelin plays throughout this scene.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The museum is closed for the day. Someone dressed in black, however,
breaks a window and enters. [S]he has a black canvas bag with him/her.
As [s]he approaches Jane's painting, [s]he takes out a industrial cutting
knife. We see him/her raise his/her arm up with the knife in his/her
hand. Fast cut to the exterior of the museum, where we hear the noise of
canvas being slashed to ribbons. Background music fades into the next
scene.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 11: Lover's Lane. About 9:30 PM. Background music: "Unchained
Melody" by the Righteous Brothers plays throughout this scene.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jamie's car is parked considerably from the edge so it won't fall into
the abandoned quarry. We see him and Quinn in the back seat now, kissing.
Cut to Quinn's back, as Jamie undoes the zipper of Quinn's dress. Cut to
head-and-shoulders shot of Jamie and Quinn lying down on the back seat;
it's obvious that they don't have a stitch of clothes on. Fast cut to the
exterior of the car, where we hear moaning as the car shakes.)
Jamie: Thank goodness I parked far away from the edge.
Quinn: Just do me, Jamie! YES! YES! YES!
(Shot of the rear of the car now. We see Jamie's silhouette as he partly
stands up. We see his hands grasp something and pulling it toward him.
Fast cut back to a distant shot of the car. More moans. Suddenly, the
music stops as if someone pulled the needle off the record, with an
accompanying scratch.)
Quinn: EWWWWW! This stuff's gross! I can't believe I swallowed it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 12: Jane's room. About 8:30 AM Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Jane is fast asleep. Suddenly, the phone rings. Blurry-eyed, Jane feels
for the phone and picks it up.)
Jane: (Groggy-sounding.) Yo!
DeFoe: Jane, it's Ms. DeFoe. You and Daria better get down to COMMA
right away!
Jane: Not more protesters again!
DeFoe: It's worse than that this time; someone's slashed your painting to
shreds!
(This news registers a shock on Jane's face. We hear that extended "La la
la LAAAA, la la la la la la!" as we see a widescreen shot of DeFoe
unveiling Jane's painting in slow motion and in a blue tint with the
"Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: On the next "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist", Dr, Katz
psychoanalyzes the gang from "South Park".
Dr. Katz: So, Mr. Garrison, gotten over your dependency on hand puppets?
Garrison: It's worse. Now I'm using both Mr. Hand AND Mr. Twig! (50)
Dr. Katz: So, Kyle, how can you best describe your life?
Kyle: It's pretty (BLEEP!)ed up, but otherwise it's normal.
Dr. Katz: Stan, there must be an underlying reason why you throw up
whenever you see Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: I don't know, maybe I'm afraid of commitment?
(Laura, Dr. Katz's receptionist, enters.)
Laura: Dr. Katz, your 2 O'clock appointment's here.
(Stan sees her and throws up.)
Dr. Katz: Cartman, do you think the reason why you're so hostile is
because you secretly loathe being fat?
Cartman: Loathe being fat my ass you (BLEEP!)ing quack!
Dr. Katz: Kenny, do you fear dying?
(Kenny mumbles something, then gets up. However, he trips on his shoelace
and breaks his neck as Stan and Kyle watch.)
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Dr. Katz: Chef, is your bedding women a sign that you are hiding your
contempt for them?
Chef: Me have contempt for women? Man, you're the one who has to be on
this couch! I've got a date with your receptionist after this!
(Laura enters.)
Laura: I'll get my hot tub ready for you, Cheffie-kins!
(Dr. Katz does a double take.)
Announcer: That's all on the next "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist".
Monday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on Comedy Central.
(Another commercial.)
Announcer: Come on down to Alternative Nation for our first ever "'Daria'
"Clothes-Out" Sale"! All "Daria" T-shirts are 25% off! All
"Daria"
tank tops are 30% off! And all "Daria"-inspired clothes are 50% off,
including field jackets, black knee-length pleated skirts and Doc Martins
steel-toed knee-high boots! It's all happening at our "'Daria'
"Clothes-Out" Sale" at Alternative Nation, located at the Aviation Mall,
just off Aviation Road in Queensbury, New York.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ST. JOHN'S--125, ACT III--117 (The act lost again. Go Red Storm!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1: COMMA, 9:00 AM Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria, Jane and DeFoe are seeing the tattered remains of Jane's
painting.)
Jane: I can't believe this! All that hard work on this painting, and
it's down the drain. Now I don't have anything to give to Trent for his
birthday again.
DeFoe: Jane, I am so sorry about this. Maybe the Lawndale Taxpayers'
Association was right. I should never have put this on display in the
first place.
Daria: Ms. DeFoe, we must not accept defeat like this. This about
fighting for your right to free expression of your ideas here. If you let
them cower you like this, they'll win.
Jane: Daria's right, Ms. DeFoe. We've got to make sure they're not going
to get away with this.
DeFoe: So, what do we do?
Daria: We wait for them to show up for their next protest. Then we'll
treat them to a dose of their own medicine.
(Jane smirks approvingly about this.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: Stacy's house, about 9:15 AM. Background music: The opening
guitar riffs of "My Favorite Game" by the Cardigans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stacy is watching the News 12 Lawndale cable channel [51] on the living
room TV. A female reporter with brown hair and green eyes and wearing a
purple business suit is reading off the headlines.)
News 12 Lawndale Reporter: (On the TV.) The controversy surrounding a
nude painting of a teenage girl took a rather ugly turn overnight.
Someone broke into the County Museum of Modern Art and slashed to shreds
local artist Jane Lane's painting "Naked Innocence", for which her friend
Daria Morgendorffer modeled. The Lawndale Taxpayers' Association has been
picketing COMMA for the past few days over the exhibition of the painting,
and LTA leader Brad Schlitz has said that the protest will continue until
a ruling on their lawsuit is given by Acting City Judge Kathy Feeder.
Stacy: Who would do something like that? Sandi? I know she can't stand
Daria, but this is going too far. I've got to do something about this!
(We now see her go to a closet to get something, but the scene cuts away
before we see what.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: The upstairs bathroom at the Morgendorffer's house. About
9:20 AM. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Keep It Off My
Wave" by Soundgarden.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Quinn is kneeling at the toilet, then throws up.)
Quinn: Man, I can't believe I have morning sickness! I took all the
precautions! Jamie used a condom and I used a sponge! Maybe I should use
that pregnancy test I picked up at the E-Z-Mart as well.
(She takes the test, which she's hidden all the way in the back of her
medicine cabinet, and takes it out.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: COMMA, about 10:05 AM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(LTA is having another protest. Same signs and chants as in Act II
Scene 8. Schlitz and Gray are once again talking to the media.)
Schlitz: I have to admit I am shocked--and I mean shocked--that this
wanton act of vandalism occurred. However, the artist and her model were
asking for it. Publicly funded art museums should not exhibit kiddie
porn!
(Daria, Jane and DeFoe now approach.)
Daria: Mr. Schlitz, I want to have a word with you.
Schlitz: Can't you see I'm having a press conference right now?
Daria: You ordered one of your henchmen to slash up Jane's painting,
didn't you?
Schlitz: I did not! You have no proof!
Jane: You know, you and your buddies are all fascists.
Schlitz: When my--er--our candidate wins the county board elections,
we're gonna run you and your kooky family out of here!
Jane: Go ahead and try!
Schlitz: Commie bitch!
Jane: Nazi bastard!
Daria: Man, this is turning out to be interesting.
(Suddenly, we see Sandi standing at a nearby alleyway. She snickers to
herself.)
Sandi: Man, I can't believe how those two are tearing into that Schlitz
creep! (She now takes out the industrial cutter that we saw in Act II
Scene 10.) And no one will ever suspect that I did it! (She laughs to
herself. Unnoticed, Stacy is standing at a nearby corner. She heard what
Sandi was saying. She's wearing a trenchcoat, but why she is doing so is
a mystery for now.)
(Fast cut back to the sidewalk near COMMA.)
DeFoe: Mr. Schlitz, you have no right to intimidate someone from
expressing his or her artistic visions!
Schlitz: I can if it involves pornography and its on display at a museum
funded by my tax dollars!
Daria: You and your little group just want to get after me because I
stopped your little attempts to take over the town!
Schlitz: Shut up, you femi-Nazi!
(Daria tries to rush up to him, but is kept back by Jane and DeFoe.)
Daria: Let me at him! Let me at him!
DeFoe: Daria, fighting is not going to solve anything!
Schlitz: You're even worse than those welfare-cheating minorities I
despise so much!
(Daria grits her teeth.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5: Morgendorffer bathroom, about 10:15 AM. Background music:
the opening guitar riffs of "Stupid Girl" by Garbage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Quinn is holding a pregnancy test stick up. She's looking at a timer.)
Quinn: I was so nervous I had to wait until now to conduct the test.
Just one more minute, and I can find out the truth. If that window shows
a minus sign, I'm not pregnant; if it shows a plus sign, I am, and Mom and
Dad will kill me!
(The timer now dings. Quinn looks at the window. It shows a minus sign
Quinn now breathes a sigh of relief.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6: The Morgendorffer living room, about 10:17 AM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Quinn is now watching News 12 Lawndale herself. We see the reporter from
Act III Scene 2 again.)
Quinn: Boy, am I glad I'm not pregnant! Mom and Dad will kill me!
However, that doesn't explain why I felt sick.
News 12 Lawndale Reporter: (On the TV.) This health warning was just
issued by the local Board of Health. Chez Pierre will be closed today and
tomorrow due to having received contaminated beef that was recalled by the
FDA. Anyone who had the Medaillons de Bœuf Béarnasie should go to a
doctor and get an antidote. Although the contaminated beef does not have
a fatal disease, victims may have an urge to throw up.
(Quinn feels like she's going to throw up again. She dashes off to the
bathroom.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 7: COMMA, about 10:30 AM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria, Jane, DeFoe and Schlitz are still in their shouting match.)
Schlitz: (To Daria.) You know, you've been nothing but trouble since you
moved in here! Maybe you should have stayed at Highland with those two
troublemakers I kept hearing about: Bemis and Bung-Hole!
Daria: They were called Beavis and Butt-Head; besides, they're dead
now! (52)
Schlitz: You know what I meant, you slut!
(Daria really wants to slug this guy real bad, but Jane and DeFoe have
expressions on their faces that say otherwise.)
Jane: Daria, we can argue with this jerk all day long; nothing's going to
change his mind.
(Trent pulls up in his blue Plymouth(r) Valiant.(tm) He gets out and
approaches Daria, Jane, DeFoe and Schlitz.)
Trent: Hey, Daria, Janey, Ms. DeFoe, what's going on?
Janey: Uh, Trent, we're in the middle of a big argument here.
Daria: We think this goon ordered one of his underlings to destroy the
picture Jane did of me nude that she was going to give to you for your
birthday.
Trent: (He knew about this painting, but this is the first time he's
hearing that it was going to be his birthday gift.) You mean that was
going to be your birthday gift to me, Janey?
Jane: (Sighs heavily; the cat is now out of the bag.) Yeah, it was going
to be your birthday gift. Didn't you hear about this on the news and read
it in the papers?
Trent: Been too busy sleeping or practicing with the band. (To Daria.)
Daria, you didn't have to do that to impress me. After you got your belly
button pierced, I realized that was a mistake; you just felt so
uncomfortable about it. In fact, you don't even have to get a tattoo like
I suggested to you after the piercing healed up. (53) Daria, I love you
just the way you are. (He kisses her on the forehead. Daria blushes.)
Schlitz: Kissing jailbait, eh, you horny bastard?
(Trent turns around to see Schlitz.)
Trent: You talking to me?
Schlitz: Yeah, I'm talking to you, you no good bum!
Trent: I don't like you picking on my sister and my girlfriend like that.
Schlitz: What are you gonna do about it, take out your guitar and hit me
over the head with it like El Kabong? (54)
Trent: You're not even worth fighting over. C'mon, Janey, Daria, Ms.
DeFoe, let's leave this loser. (They proceeds to leave.)
(Schlitz, angry that he's been told off like that, yells a primal scream
and slugs Trent on the back of his head. Trent falls to the ground. He
gets up, temporarily dazed. He hears faintly Schlitz saying something
like "C'mon, get up, you sissy!" Trent yells in anger and broadsides
Schlitz. They both fall to the ground, exchanging punches. Daria and
Jane try to pry Trent off of Schlitz, but to no avail. Fast cut to Stacy,
who's been seeing all this. She now runs to the scene of the fight.)
Stacy: Stop it! Stop it! Why are you making such a big deal about all
this? Stop! Stop! STOP! (Suddenly, we see her undoing the belt of her
trenchcoat. Fast cut to her back as she takes it off, and we find out she
was naked underneath it. A loud, audible gasp can be heard from the
crowd. The fight has stopped for now. Fast cut of Sandi, who's still at
the alleyway, who has seen what's been going on and now has a look of
shock on her face. She runs up to Stacy.)
Sandi: Stacy, what the Hell are you doing?
Stacy: I'm trying to stick up for Daria, that's what!
Sandi: Stacy, Daria is a nagging bitch!
Stacy: No, she's not, Sandi! (Fast cut to a head-and-shoulders shot of
her as she now addresses everyone.) Why are you arguing about all this?
What is so wrong with nudity? We were all born nude, weren't we?
Painters have done nude pictures since time began. All right, so maybe
Jane Lane, her brother Trent and Daria Morgendorffer aren't the type of
people who belong in the Fashion Club or agree to the Lawndale Taxpayers'
Association's philosophy, but what gives anyone the right to tell Jane she
can't do a nude painting of Daria to give to Trent for a birthday gift?
When I saw Trent there comforting Daria after Sandi here spritzed her with
the water hose at the community car wash fund-raiser, (55) (Sandi shoots a
hostile look in Stacy's direction.) I realized that Trent meant something
special to Daria. And when Mr. O'Neill accidentally plowed into them at
the Seven Corners, (56) when the rest of the Fashion Club members were
making insults at them, I was the only one who cared enough to go over and
see if they were OK.
Sandi: You are in big danger of being kicked out of the Fashion Club,
Stacy!
Stacy: (In anger now.) SHUT UP, SANDI! (Sandi cowers; she's never been
yelled at by Stacy before in her life.) Daria, Trent, I realize now that
you must really love each other. Don't let jerks like Brad Schlitz judge
you like that! They have no right to tell you what to do! And they have
no right to tell COMMA what works of art they can display. That's called
censorship. No free society like ours should tolerate censorship in any
form from anyone. Besides, I know for a fact that it was Sandi Griffin
who slashed up your painting, Jane. (Sandi now has a look of horror on
her face.) I heard her talk to herself about it when I arrived here.
(Sandi tries to run, but her way is blocked by two Lawndale Police
officers.)
Officer # 1: Sandi Griffin, you're under arrest for vandalism! (He slaps
handcuffs on her.)
Sandi: (At the top of her lungs now.) YOU'RE FINISHED AS A MEMBER OF THE
FASHION CLUB, STACY! YOU HEAR ME, YOU'RE FINISHED!!!!!
Officer # 2: You realize I'm going to have to arrest you for indecent
exposure, Ma'am.
Stacy: I know, but it was good to get this off my chest. (Officer # 2
proceeds to handcuff her. They now past Daria and Jane.)
Daria: Stacy, why?
Stacy: I owed you one.
Daria: Actually, I owed you one. After all, you were there for me at
that accident.
Stacy: Perhaps. But think about it why I said it the way I did. (She's
lead away. Sandi is now brought past them.)
Sandi: I really hate you, Daria! And you want to know why I destroyed
Jane's picture?
Daria: OK, why?
Sandi: Because I hated all the media attention it was getting, that's
what! I didn't want to lose to you in popularity, you bitch! (She now
spits on her. She's hauled away.)
Officer # 3: Trent Lane, Brad Schlitz, I'm placing the both of you under
arrest for disturbing the peace. (He and a fourth officer handcuff them.)
Jane: Don't worry, Trent, we're going to get you out of this.
Trent: I know, Janey. I know. (He and Schlitz are now led off.)
Daria: We'd better get Mom.
Jane: If she finds out you were here, she'll blow a gasket.
Daria: At this point, I just don't give a damn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 8: The Lawndale Jail, (57) about Noon. Background music: The
opening guitar riffs from "Jailbreak" from AC/DC.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria, Jane and DeFoe are seeing Trent in his cell. He's wearing his
civilian clothes for now and is standing next to the bars of the door.)
Jane: Trent, I've called Mom; she's going to be here to post bail for
you.
Trent: Thanks, Janey.
Daria: Trent, I called my own mother and told her what happened; she'll
be down here in a while.
Trent: Thanks, Daria.
Daria: Trent, thanks for sticking up for Jane and me.
Trent: I wasn't going to let him bully you. Where is Mr. Schlitz,
anyway?
Jane: He was put in solitary after he tried to bite one of the officers.
Trent: Cool.
Daria: Jane, I'm just going to see Stacy for a second. See you later,
Trent. (She now leans her head against the bars, and kisses Trent's
forehead. She now goes down three cells down to Stacy's; she's wearing a
light blue female prisoner's smock.) Stacy, it's me, Daria.
Stacy: Hi, Daria.
Daria: Stacy, why did you really do what you did out there?
Stacy: Remember when my date for the medieval fair dumped me and I was so
heartbroken that I sat next to you and Jane in the Ferris wheel?
Daria: It was the five most agonizing moments of Hell in my life. (She
now lets out a Mona Lisa smile to let her know she was just kidding.)
Stacy: You and Jane were the only ones who were willing to listen to me.
I never forgot that. Then you and Trent were in that bad auto accident,
and I got help for you. I saw a different side of you than what Sandi,
Quinn and Tiffany were portraying you as. Daria, I know you're cynical
and all that, but I also know you've got that soft spot for Trent there in
your heart. When I saw you, it looked like you cried a bit.
Daria: I was at the verge of tears, but then I buried my face into
Trent's chest.
Stacy: Don't fool me, Daria; when we were riding the ambulance to the
hospital, I saw a tear or two fall down that face of yours. You know, I
wish I had strong feelings for a guy like you do.
Daria: You do?
Stacy: It seems with the Fashion Club, you just use up a lot of guys.
You date them and then you forget them. Why can't I just have a stable
relationship?
Daria: Stacy, this is the first time I'm hearing about this.
Stacy: Daria, I have been a bit different from the other members of the
Fashion Club all the time. It just really tears me up inside when I see
Quinn and Sandi fighting like they do, and Sandi acts like a bitch to
Quinn and Tiffany backs up Sandi no matter what. I just want to be liked
by everyone, not hold people in contempt. Daria, I know you're cynical
and smart and unfashionable and all that, but, for what it's worth, I
wouldn't mind calling you a friend.
Daria: You know what, Stacy, that's the nicest thing any one of you guys
on the Fashion Club's ever said to me.
Stacy: (Now on the verge of tears.) Thank you, Daria. (She cries.
Daria extends her hand out and grabs Stacy's.)
Daria: Stacy, it's OK. I guess if you can see me cry, I guess I can see
you cry as well. And this time I will not threaten you with justifiable
homicide. (58)
Stacy: Thanks. (She begins to dry her eyes.)
(Helen now enters.)
Helen: Daria, I've made the bail arrangements. Everyone except that
Schlitz bastard's free to go.
Daria: Thanks, Mom, I think.
Helen: And, Daria, I have been thinking. I guess Dad and I did go
overboard when we reacted to Jane's painting, and I apologize on the
behalf of both of us. However, please let us know if you're going to do
anything like this again.
Daria: Sure. (To herself.) When Hell freezes over.
Helen: So, now we must face the trial.
Daria: Unfortunately. I guess I have been subpoenaed as a witness?
Helen: (Giving a subpoena to Daria.) Yes, you have.
Daria: It figures.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 9: Lawndale Municipal Courthouse, 9:00 AM Monday, the main
courtroom. Background music: The opening bars of "The Theme from 'Law
and Order'". (59)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The courtroom is packed. Daria, Jane, Trent, Helen and Amanda are at one
table, while Schlitz and his attorney, a man with black hair and mustache,
is at another. The District Attorney, a woman with blonde hair, blue eyes
and a tan suit, is at the prosecutor's table.)
Daria: I hope that dumb Judge Reinhart isn't hearing this one. (60)
Helen: Daria, if he is, you will not express your displeasure at him!
(Fast cut to Schlitz.)
Schlitz: I hope that Reinhart guy's hearing this case; from what I hear,
he's open to bribery.
Schlitz's Attorney: Just leave it to me.
Bailiff: (An old man in a beige uniform.) All rise! Lawndale City Court
is now in session! The Honorable Katherine T. Feeder presiding!
(We now see Judge Feeder for the first time; she looks like Kate Mulgrew.
She sits at the bench.)
Schlitz: Aw, man, not her again!
Judge Feeder: (She even sounds like Kate Mulgrew!) Glad to see you too,
Mr. Schlitz!
(Daria lets out her Mona Lisa smile.)
(Fast cut to several hours later. Judge Feeder is about to render a
decision.)
Judge Feeder: Let's face it, this is the most ridiculous case I've ever
heard. A group of people who object even to firemen rescuing cats from
trees yelling about a work of art at the local museum. I just had the
opportunity to see that painting before it was destroyed. It was a
beautiful work of art, and I don't see any reason why it should have been
removed. Mr. Schlitz and his organization had no right to bully the
defendant's sister and girlfriend in order to draw them into a fight. The
defendant's actions were justified in my opinion, and Mr. Schlitz got
what he deserved. Therefore, case dismissed! (Bangs gavel.) And, Mr.
Schlitz, you'll be happy to hear that I also intend to toss out your
lawsuit against COMMA as well.
Schlitz: Why, that no good bitch! I hate her! (He leaves with his
lawyer, shooting a hostile glance at Daria, Jane, Trent, Helen and
Amanda.)
(Jane hugs Trent.)
Daria: Thanks, Mom.
Helen: Oh, it was nothing.
Judge Feeder: This court is in recess until 6:30 PM, where we'll hear
"People v. Nibblet" (61) as well as "People v. Griffin" and
"Lawndale
Taxpayers' Association v. County Museum of Modern Art". (Bangs gavel
again. She gets off the bench and approaches Daria and Jane.) Ms.
Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane, I admire your courage. Don't give up in what you
believe in.
Daria: Thanks, Your Honor.
Judge Feeder: You know, I was a lot like you when I was growing up, Ms.
Morgendorffer, and I never gave that up. (She now takes off her robe;
she's seen wearing a blue field jacket, a purple T-shirt beneath that, a
brown pleated knee-length skirt and brown Doc Martins boots.) You have to
be like that to handle creeps like Brad Schlitz. I promise you that Mr.
Schlitz and LTA will be dealt with severely on my watch.
Daria: What's going to happen to Sandi and Stacy?
Judge Feeder: Both have struck plea bargains. Sandi will most likely
serve 100 hours of community service while Stacy will probably have to
pay a $50 fine.
Jane: And they say the system doesn't work. (Smirks mischievously.)
Daria: You can say that again.
Judge Feeder: Well, I'd better retire to chambers. However, we will meet
again.
Daria: I have a feeling we will.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 10: The Lane's living room, about 6:00 PM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Trent's birthday party is in full swing. Daria, Jane, Trent and Amanda
are sitting around a table.)
Daria: Too bad your father couldn't make it, Trent.
Trent: Well, he wanted to get those rare tiki masks at Tahiti, so he went
off in a hurry.
Jane: (Handing her gift to Trent.) In lieu of my painting, here's my
gift to you, Trent.
(Trent opens it; it's guitar strings.)
Trent: Cool. Guitar strings. Thanks, Janey.
Daria: (Handing her gift to Trent.) This is from me, Trent.
(Trent opens it. It's a gold chain with the name "Trent" suspended from
it.)
Trent: Daria, this is beautiful.
Daria: I had to dip heavily into the Montana Cabin Fund to get this for
you. (62)
Trent: Daria, thanks. I really like it. (He kisses her on the cheek
now. She blushes.)
Jane: Of course, I could persuade Daria to pose nude again. . .
Daria: Don't even think about it, Rembrandt!
(Jane smirks evilly.)
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Scene 11: Lawndale High Cafeteria, about 10:30 AM Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The Fashion Club's seated at a table. Stacy is far away from the
others, however.)
Quinn: So, I did it with Jamie! Aren't you guys happy for me?
Sandi: Well, duh, Quinn! I did it with Skyler!
(Quinn frowns.)
Tiffany: So, Sandi, why is Stacy sitting so far away?
Sandi: Stacy committed conduct unbecoming a member of this club! She
exposed herself at COMMA and ratted on me on Saturday! Stacy's
membership is suspended pending a hearing on her fitness as a member of
this club!
(Stacy slinks away now. She doesn't want to hear this.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 12: The hallway at Lawndale High. About 10:35 AM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway. Stacy approaches.)
Jane: Hey, what's Stacy doing without the rest of the Fashion Club
airheads?
Daria: (Realizing the personal Hell Stacy's going through.) Shut up,
Jane. (Jane shoots a quizzical look at her.) (To Stacy.) Are you OK?
Stacy: My membership's been suspended and I might be kicked out of the
club altogether. However, it was worth doing what I did, and I have you
to thank, Daria.
Daria: For what it's worth, you could hang with us.
Stacy: Could I? Really?
Jane: We just have one rule.
Stacy: Which is?
Jane: No crying.
Stacy: OK. (She joins them down the hallway. O'Neill passes by and
looks at the situation with surprise.)
O'Neill: Funny, I don't remember Stacy hanging out with Daria and Jane.
Maybe I am forgetful about these things.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 13: The Morgendorffer's dining room. About 6:30 PM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The family's eating fried chicken for dinner.)
Helen: You know, I'm glad everything worked out for the best in this
situation.
Daria: At least no one will have to see me stark raving nekkid again.
(Helen scowls at that.)
Jake: So, Quinn, honey, how was your date Friday night with Jamal?
Quinn: That's Jamie, Dad. It was great! We were at Lover's Lane
afterwards.
Helen: Oh, Quinn, I meant to ask you. (She takes out the remnants of
Quinn's pregnancy test from her pocket.) Can you mind telling me what
this is all about?
(Fast cut to a shocked Quinn.)
Daria: If you beg for mercy, I'm pretty sure you can get off with twenty
years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 14: Daria's room, about 8:00 PM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daria is lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her cellular phone
rings. She answers it.)
Daria: Hello?
(Split screen to show Jane at the left and Daria at the right.)
Jane: So, how's everything here?
Daria: Back to normal. Quinn got busted for having sex with Jamie.
She's grounded for a month.
Jane: So, the little slut did it!
Daria: Jane, I'm really beginning to get concerned about what Sandi's
been up to. One of these days, she's going to blow her stack and I'll be
her target.
Jane: So, shine up that AK-47 of yours then.
Daria: I'm afraid I'll need a stealth bomber to handle her.
Jane: By the way, I can still do another nude painting of you to give to
Trent.
Daria: No thanks; I don't want to go through all the grief again.
Jane: Just thought I'd ask. See you at school tomorrow. Bye.
Daria: Bye. (She hangs up.)
(Fast cut to the bathroom. "Naked Eye" by Lucious Jackson begins to play
and plays through to the end of the closing credits. Daria's arm reaches
for a towel. Fast cut to her finishing wrapping herself up in it. Cut to
her looking at the mirror.)
Jane: (In Daria's thoughts.) Heeeey! Nice Bod!
(Fast cut of Daria's back as she undoes the towel. Fast cut to
head-and-shoulders shot of her looking at herself. She lets out a Mona
Lisa smile.)
Daria: You know what, Daria? Jane's right. Maybe you're not so
bad-looking after all.
(The closing credits being to roll. Alter egos include Daria as B-ko
Daitokuji in her Akagiyama 23 battlesuit from "Project A-ko"; Ms. Li as
the Wicked Witch of the West from "The Wizard of Oz"; Sandi as Felicity
from the show of the same name; Brittany as Pamela Anderson; Mr. O'Neill
as the famed "New Yorker" cover guy who's always holding his monocle up to
see a butterfly; Ms. Barch as famed female hockey player [and Glens Falls,
New York native] Erin Whitten; Mack as legendary tunnel builder John
Henry; Jodie as rhythm and blues singer Brandi; Kevin as Indiana Jones;
and Helen as Justice, complete with blindfold, scales and sword. The
"Daria" logo is shown as the closing credits end. Fade to a scene where
we see sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani
drumroll is heard in the background. The left hand is holding a gray die
while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and a
yellow handle. The hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!"
each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left
thumb. The person wielding the hammer and die drops them, and turns
around; wee see that it's the author of the story: a man with brown curly
hair, blue eyes and glasses. His face contorts in pain, and he screams
"OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" He walks away, and we
see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been
chiseled into the metal. Above it is white Roman lettering saying "MARK",
while below that is white Roman lettering saying "FAN FICTION," and below
that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ENDNOTES
(1) Daria was planning on watching it the night before the Super Bowl in
"Stupid Sunday", but had taped it instead so she could go to the
"Bowl-Buster" concert.--Warner Peter ("Let's go to the videotape!").
(2) Quinn had gone out with him on the "Pinch Sitter" episode.
--Baby-sitter Peter.
(3) In case you missed that, Sandi found out that Daria and Quinn are
sisters in "The Dinner Date from Hell".--Chef Tel Peter (who promises that
this will be THE absolute last time he will bring this matter up as a
footnote. See you!).
(4) Actually, Daria and Trent were in an auto accident that involved Mr.
O'Neill; read all about it in C. E. Forman's story "Driven Wild".
--AAA Peter.
(5) See the "Fair Enough" episode for details.--Sir Peter of Hudson Falls.
(6) This will be developed further in my next two stories, "Karen
Carpenter Blues" and "Outbitched".--Foreboding Peter.
(7) In fact, Sandi won't let go of her hatred for Daria, which will
explode rather violently in "Outbitched".--Fair Warning Peter.
(8) Daria did just that in C. E. Forman's "Taking Debate".--Your
Moderator, Peter Guerin.
(9) Syrup of ipecac is used to induce vomiting; it is often used to get
rid of accidentally ingested poisons, but it is often abused by bulimics.
This will be looked at in further detail in "Karen Carpenter Blues".
--Peter Guerin (who's not a doctor and doesn't even play one on TV.)
(10) She said that on "Pierce Me".--Encyclopedic Peter.
(11) Jane had done those two paintings in "Gifted"; Quinn saw the both of
them in my story "Triumph of the 'Retart'" while Linda Griffin had bought
the "Quinn in a guillotine" painting and gave it to Sandi in C. E.
Forman's story "Quinntet".--Peter Ross ("Now let's make those trees look
like happy trees!").
(12) Jane commented on that in C. E. Forman's "All Washed Up".
--Peter Royce (who's never worked at a car wash himself, though).
(13) In "Cracked" magazine's "Duncia" spoof, which appeared in the
March
1998 issue, Duncia moaned about being short and small-breasted. I also
make reference to that in "Misery Senshi".--Not-quite-good-looking-Peter.
(14) The seamstress who was working on Daria's bridesmaid's dress in "I
Don't" said the same thing.--Bachelor Peter.
(15) Quinn did just that in "Monster".--Fashion Victim Peter.
(16) Daria did just that in "Quinn the Brain".--Ooo-la-la Peter (who
didn't realize that Daria was that well-endowed until he saw that scene).
(17) Check out the Morgendorffers' medicine cabinet in "The Daria
Database" and see!--Snoopin' Peter.
(18) This incorporated village on New York's Long Island was where Tampax(tm)
was formerly headquartered. The old radio station WAPP-FM (now Hot 97)
was there as well, and it was the site of the United Nation's first
headquarters at the old Sperry Gyroscope Company (now called Unisys).
--Peter Guerin (who knows all this because he used to live on Long
Island).
(19) The dinners they're having were taken from the menu depicted in "The
Daria Database".--Maitre'd Peter.
(20) Translation: "Waiter, my soda is flat. Send it back." Phrase taken
from The Daria Database.--Chef Peter.
(21) A rather famous striptease song; it kind of goes "Ba-boom-ba-boom-ba-
boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-ba-ba-boom!" or something like that; if
you've ever heard it, you'll know it.--Chippendale Peter.
(22) Once again, check out "Pierce Me"!--Peter Rodman.
(23) They did at the end of "Misery Senshi".--Salacious Peter.
(24) Daria admitted to that in "Triumph of the 'Retart'".
--Officer Peter, HFPD.
(25) This is a tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Hass, who used that reason
in explaining why Jane wears lipstick in response to a question I had
posted at the old Planet Daria Message Board.--Peter Factor.
(26) Daria mentioned about that in "The Daria Diaries".
--Journalistic Peter.
(27) Amanda had told Jane about this in my last story "Stupid Sunday".
--Flashback Peter.
(28) Monique's mother from "Strange Reunions".--Recap Peter.
(29) That museum (also known as COMMA) is mentioned in "The Daria
Diaries".--Peter Renoir.
(30) For details, see "Arts 'N' Crass".--Vincent Van Peter.
(31) For those of you outside of the Empire State, BOCES is short for
"Board of Co-operative Educational Services". A BOCES area can cover many
school districts in several counties. BOCES offers specialized classes
that normal high school curricula may not cover like practical nursing,
auto mechanics, culinary arts and some Special Education instruction. My
area is covered by the Warren/Washington/Saratoga/Hamilton/Essex Counties
BOCES. Where I used to live in Suffolk County had three BOCES districts;
Connetquot Central School District was in Suffolk BOCES 2. BOCES also
offers adult classes and summer classes for high school students and
adults. My mother, stepfather and older stepbrother all took BOCES
classes.--Prof. Peter.
(32) The first names of Ms. Morris and Nurse Chase were mentioned in
"Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Recap Peter.
(33) It was revealed in "The Daria Diaries" that the football coach's name
was Gibson; I made up George in "Stupid Sunday".--Summarizing Peter.
(34) Danny gets mentioned in "The Daria Database".--Musical Peter.
(35) It was revealed in "The Daria Database" that Danny Moreno's the
editor of Mystik Spiral's fan club newsletter.--Fanboy Peter.
(36) The Rathskeller is the bar Jake sometimes goes to; its mentioned in
"The Daria Database".--Peter Malone.
(37) A reference to C. E. Forman's immortal classic "Daria vs. the IRS"!
--Peter Guerin, CPA.
(38) KSBC is the station that Linda Griffin works for as a Vice President
of Marketing.--Peter Brokaw.
(39) Watch "The Road Worrier" for details!--Mr. Peter-Wrench.
(40) Once again, watch "Pierce Me"!--Encyclopedic Peter.
(41) Read about Ms DeFoe's generosity to her college chums at her corner
of the Lawndale High Teacher's Lounge in "The Daria Database"!
--Prof. Peter.
(42) I mention about common law courts in Return of the Lawndale Militia.
--Judge Peter.
(43) I don't know about the right-wing militias and taxpayers' groups in
your area, but the one in my area, the All-County Taxpayers' Association
(ACTA) uses pictures of Thomas Jefferson a lot in their literature. If
Jefferson was alive, he'd be disgusted at how ACTA and other groups like
them are using his image while repudiating everything he stood for.
--Peter Guerin (who really thinks that ACTA's cry of eternal vigilance
sounds more like a cry for Wild West vigilantism against "evil" New York
City and Long Island and its minority groups).
(44) I'm assuming that Lawndale County, like most counties in this
nation, has a three-to-five member Board of County Commissioners elected
at-large. In my county, Washington County, New York, we have a Board of
Supervisors, consisting of the supervisors, or chief administrative
officers, of each town, who act "ex officio" as representatives of their
towns at the county level. In my old county of Suffolk, they have an
eighteen-member County Legislature, whose members are elected from
single-seat districts like Congressmen and state legislators are.
--Peter Guerin (who did very well in Prof. Jeff Peck's state and local
government class at Adirondack Community College, Queensbury, New York).
(45) Latin for "Seize the day". This is something ACTA plugs all the
time. Of course, it was also used a lot by Robin Williams in "Dead Poets
Society" and is the slogan for Kellogg's(r) Smart Start(tm) cereal.
--Peter Guerin (whose own knowledge of Latin is pretty limited, to say the
least).
(46) Someone asked that same question on the first "Daria Day" on MTV.
--Recap Peter.
(47) Of course, she's referring to the events of "Misery Senshi" and
"Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Gen. Peter.
(48) These are references to C. E. Forman's stories "To Helen Back",
"Rain
on Your Parade", "Quinntet" and "Driven Wild".
--Peter "I really like C. E." Guerin.
(49) Check out the map in "The Daria Diaries" and see it!--Romantic Peter.
(50) Die hard fans of "South Park" know that Mr. Garrison visited Dr. Katz
on the episode that featured that ash snake that overwhelmed the country.
--Oh, my God! Peter Guerin's killed Kenny! You bastards!
(51) I don't know if you have something similar in your area, but back on
Long Island where I used to live, the local cable company Cablevision(tm) had
a 24-hour all-news channel called News 12 Long Island. I kind of wish
they had something like this here in the Adirondack North Country.
--Peter Guerin (who someday will return to Long Island for good).
(52) Ms. Brach killed them in "Misery Senshi".--Recap Peter.
(53) Trent made that suggestion in "Pierce Me".--Total Recall Peter.
(54) Quickdraw McGraw's masked, crimefighting alter ego!--Sheriff Peter.
(55) That happened in C. E. Forman's "All Washed Up".--Peter Schieb
("I'll paint any car, any color for $39.95!")
(56) That happened in C. E.'s Driven Wild.--"Bad Hands" Peter.
(57) I first mention about the Lawndale Jail in "Triumph of the 'Retart'".
--Warden Peter.
(58) That was the warning Daria gave Stacy in "Fair Enough".
--Sir Peter of Chichester.
(59) An ironic choice, given the fact that "Daria" is now on the same day
and time "Law and Order" is.--Network Executive Peter.
(60) He was the one who threw the book at Daria in C. E.'s "To Helen
Back".--Legal Eagle Peter.
(61) Danny Bronstein speculated in his "Who Shot Principal Li?" that
Nibblet was Stacy's last name.--Peter the Assassin.
(62) Check out the Morgendorffer's budget sheets in "The Daria Database"
for details!--Bean-Counter Peter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE END
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