One-Band Town
by Danny Bronstein

Plot description: Daria and Jane follow Trent and Jesse to their first big
concert, in some hick town called South Park. Unfortunately, they have to
contend with Blake Cartman, the jealous lead singer of the town's only
successful band.
Classification: Daria

SOUTH PARK DISCLAIMER: All characters and events on this show, even those
based on real people, are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are
impersonated..... poorly. The following program contains coarse language
and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.


Scene 1: The South Park amphitheatre. A rock band much like Trent's is
playing there. They finish a song.

Lead singer: OK, that's it everyone. Thank you very much.

(We get a look at the audience, there are very few people at the concert.
There is sporadic clapping. The only person excited is Cartman.)

Cartman: Yay! Spiral Taps kick ass!

Stan: No they don't. They haven't done any new songs for years.

Kyle: Yeah, dude. Just because your cousin's the lead singer doesn't mean
they're the best band in the world.

Cartman: Shut up! I'll kick your ass!

Kyle: Face it, Cartman. Your cousin's band is getting old. Nobody cares
about them any more.

Cartman: You cocksucker! You don't know what you're talking about!

Kyle: Don't call me a cocksucker, fatass!

Cartman: Kyle is a cocksucker! Kyle is a cocksucker!

Stan: Hey Kenny, what's a cocksucker?

Kenny: Mmm b b Mmmm. Mmm m m m m. Mm m mm.

Stan: Ewww. That's sick, man!

Scene 2: The mayor's office. The mayor, a woman with grayish beehive hair,
is there with 2 staff members, Bill and Ted.

Mayor: Boy, the ticket sales for the Spiral Taps concert were miserable
this year! They're even worse than the year before!

Bill: Ms. Mayor, the Spiral Taps have been the only band performing here
for the last 7 years. I think people are getting sick of them.

Mayor: But they're the only popular band to come out of South Park! No
other band is willing to play in this town or has even heard of it!
Spiral Taps is the only thing that draws in crowds!

Ted: Ms. Mayor, I have a suggestion.

Mayor: Yes?

Ted: I have a friend in Denver whose brother is in a rock band.

Mayor: And?

Ted: Well, maybe we could get the band to come here and perform. They're
not a popular band, but it might be a good alternative to Spiral Taps,
and the people would probably want to check it out.

Mayor: Excellent idea. Contact your friend in Denver immediately.

Ted: Yes, Ms. Mayor.

Scene 3: The Lane house in Lawndale. Trent and Jesse are practicing in the
basement. Jane and Daria enter.

Jane: Hey Trent!

(Trent and Jesse don't hear.)

Jane: Trent!... TRENT!

Trent: (stops playing) Huh?

Jane: You got a letter from Summer in Denver.

Trent: Oh, cool. (takes letter, reads it) Hey, it says we're invited to
perform a concert in South Park, Colorado!

Jesse: All right!

Daria: Are you sure you want to go there? That place has been on Sick Sad
World six times in the past year.

Trent: Who cares? It's a gig, isn't it?

Jesse: So, how are we going to get there? Are we taking the Tank again?

Trent: I guess. But like I said before, it eats gas. (using tone of voice
indicating that he obviously wants the girls to come along) I wonder how
we'll get gas money.

Jane: Daria and I will chip in if you take us along, won't we, Daria?

Daria: Jane, could I talk to you alone for just a second?

Jane: (to the guys) Excuse us.

(Daria and Jane move to a spot farther away from Trent and Jesse)

Daria: OK, let me get this straight. You want me to go with you on another
agonizing road trip to a concert in a tiny hick town, in a van with no air
or seat belts, solely based on the fact that I like your brother, who
apparently neither notices nor feels the same way?

Jane: Well, yeah, basically. Are you in?

Daria: Oh, hell, why not?


Scene 1: Trent, Jesse, Daria and Jane get into the van (Trent and Jesse in
the front, Daria and Jane in the back, as usual) and drive off. Side
view of the van as it goes through various types of roads and landscapes
(plains, forests, mountain roads). Day becomes night, night becomes day,
they pass the Colorado state line, then, at last, they make it to town.

Scene 2: The van as it goes through town. The girls are wearing sweaters
and jeans. The guys are wearing jackets.

Jane: So where are we staying?

Trent: Well, they got us accomodations at the South Park Manor.

Daria: Sounds grand.

Trent: This looks like the place.

(The van stops at a small motel.)

(The 4 of them and a short, balding guy enter a room.)

Man: Well, here is your room. Now, there's a question everyone seems to ask
me sooner or later, so I'll answer it now. You see that light fixture up
there? (everyone looks at the ceiling.) That's not a camera.

Daria: Then why is it making a buzzing noise?

Man: I dunno. But feel free to order any porno movies. Enjoy your stay.


(Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse look around.)

Daria: Great. There are four of us, and only 2 beds.

Jane: Hey Daria, maybe you can sleep in the same bed with--

Daria: (jabs Jane with her elbow) Shut up!!

Jesse: We have some spare sleeping bags in the van. Trent and I can take
those and you girls can sleep in the beds.

Daria: You keep sleeping bags in the Tank?

Jane: Yeah, as a band they're supposed to in case they want to "bang the

Daria: I thought they avoid groupies.

Jane: They do. They just want to look cool in front of all the other bands.

Daria: I see.

Scene 3: A room where the Spiral Taps band is hanging out. The lead singer,
Blake Cartman, is reading the South Park newspaper. The headline says:

Blake: This is an outrage.

Bass guitarist: What's wrong?

Blake: South Park is our turf! Nobody plays South Park but us!

Drummer: What's the big deal? They're only doing one show anyway.

Blake: It's a matter of principle. When you're a town's favorite band, you
don't give up that title to anyone! Haven't you read the Bible passage,
"Thou shalt not...Uhh... do unto others as thine... ass shalt not be
coveted by another... harp playing group?"

Bassist: Whoa.

Drummer: That's deep.

Bassist: So what do you plan to do?

Blake: I think I'll sabotage the concert.


Scene 1: The hotel room. Daria wakes up. Jane is still asleep. Daria
doesn't see Trent and Jesse anywhere. She turns on the TV. "Terence
and Philip" is on.

Philip: Hey Terence, I think I think I hear something.

Terence: What is it, Philip?

(Philip farts. Terence and Philip laugh.)

Terence: Hey Philip. Pull my finger.

(Terence farts. T&P laugh.)

Daria: Gee, I wonder who this reminds me of. (Changes channel. "Jesus and
Pals" is on.)

Jesus Christ: Yea. Have faith in me and ye shall have peace. We still have
time for a few more calls. Hello, you're on.

Voice: Yes, hello, Jesus? This is Joel.

Jesus: Hello Joel. Did you take my advice?

Voice: Yes I did, Jesus. My boss doesn't yell at me as much as he used to.
Thank you.

Jesus: Any time, Joel.

Daria: Hmm. (picks up phone)

Jesus: Hello, you're on.

Daria: Hi, Jesus?

Jesus: Yes, Daria from Lawndale. What's on your mind?

Daria: How did you know my name?

Jesus: Maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac. Do you have a question?

Daria: Uh, yeah. There's this guy I know, and I think I really like him,
and this is kind of weird because I'm not usually attracted to guys,
or people in general, but this guy I know is really cool and nice and
smart and he's in a band, and I'm not sure he feels the same way about
me and I don't know what to do and...

Jesus: Well, have you told Trent how you feel?

Daria: How did you know his name was...

(TV switches off of program to the Jesus and Pals title screen.)

Announcer: That's it for Jesus and Pals. Stay tuned for Marty's Movie
Reviews on South Park Public Access.

Daria: Dammit. (Hangs up phone, notices Jane looking at her smugly)

Daria: How much of that did you hear?

Scene 2: South Park Elementary, in Mr. Garrison's class.

Garrison: Good morning, class. It's time for Mr. Hat's history lesson.
Right, Mr. Hat? (takes out hand puppet, throws voice) Right, Mr.
Garrison. Today's lesson is about the Civil War. The Civil War was
fought between the North, led by General Abraham Lincoln, and the
South, led by General Adolf Hitler. Now, the North was trying to save the
black Hebrew slaves and...

Stan: Hey dudes, the Mystic Spiral concert is tonight.

Kyle: Yeah, hope it kicks ass.

Cartman: That gay band's gonna suck.

Kyle: How do you know that? You haven't even heard them.

Cartman: Well, they're not Spiral Taps.

Kyle: Will you forget about your cousin's stupid dildo band? They've been
sucking for the last 3 years!

Cartman: Screw you!

Kenny: Mmmh pp mmmh. Mmm-mm-mmmh.

(Stan and Kyle laugh.)

Stan: Good one, Kenny.

Cartman: Shut up, Kenny! Why don't you go back to Greenland like the other

Kyle: There are no Irish in Greenland, you moron.

Garrison: Uh, excuse me, children. You seem to be disrupting my lesson. Is
there a problem?

Stan: Yeah, Cartman's bad-mouthing the new band!

Garrison: (sighs) Now you see, children, this is a prime example of
intolerance. Remember, tolerance is very important in society. Without
it, there would be a lot of unfair slander like Eric was demonstrating
just now. OK, Mr. Hat, continue. (Takes out hand puppet, throws voice)
Well, Mr. Garrison, the South had the Indians on their side, and the
Indians were horrible savages with no remorse...


Scene 1: The amphitheatre at twilight. The place is a full house.
Backstage, Trent and Jesse have their guitars strapped on and are ready
to perform. They look nervous.

Trent: My, we've never had to play in front of a crowd so large.

Daria: Relax, Trent. I hear most of these people have almost no knowledge
of popular bands and are just happy to hear a new one.

Trent: Thanks, Daria.

Daria: Anytime, Trent.

Jane: We'll see you after the show.

(they walk away.)

Jane: You know, Daria, thanks to you they might just make it without
screwing up.

Daria: Yeah, I'm sure he'll come running into my arms afterward.

(they sit down somewhere near the stage.)

Voice of announcer: Welcome everyone to the one-night-only Mystic Spiral

(audience claps and cheers)

Jane: Wonder if they'll ever get this kind of attention again.

Announcer: Here to sing the national anthem is South Park's very own Kenny

(Everyone stands up. Kenny comes up to the mike, clears his throat and
begins to sing. He sings the lyrics in his usual parka-muffled voice,
sounding like a kazoo. The audience, however, loves it. Several people
have tears in their eyes.)

Chef: Mmm-hmm. That boy sure can sing.

Jimbo: He may be a dirty little bastard, but he's got quite a voice.

Ned: (robotically) I wish I could sing like that.

(Kenny finishes the song, and the audience goes wild, clapping and cheering
and whistling. He leaves the stage and goes to the back of the amphitheatre
where Stan, Kyle and Cartman are.)

Stan: That was some nice singing, Kenny.

Kenny: Mmmh.

Announcer: And now, coming to you straight from Lawndale, the one and only
Mystic Spiral!

(Crowd cheers. Trent and Jesse come on stage)

Jesse: Here's a song that we wrote not too long ago. It's called "Ice Box

(Start playing)

Trent: You're an angel in black, You sure have a knack...

Meanwhile, Blake approaches the incompetent Officer Barbrady, who is
working security.

Blake: Good evening, Officer Barbrady.

Barbrady: Hello there, Blake. Having fun?

Blake: Uh, yeah. Listen, do you mind if I go backstage?

Barbrady: I'll have to see your pass.

Blake: Sure. Here you go.

(Blake shows the cop a piece of notebook paper that says, in grade-school

Barbrady: Go ahead.

Blake: Thanks. (walks by.)

The crowd seems to be enjoying themselves.

Stan: See, Cartman? They're not so bad.

Cartman: Yeah, they're all right, I guess.

(Kyle notices Blake sneaking by)

Kyle: Hey, is that Blake?

(focus on Daria and Jane)

Jane: Hey, I think I saw some guy creep by. Did you see it?

Daria: Yeah. I don't think that guy is supposed to be there.

Jane: Something strange is going on.

(focus back on the 4 boys)

Kenny: Mmm mmm MMMH!

Kyle: Hey, I think he's right! We have to stop him!

(Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman run to the front but are stopped by Officer

Barbrady: You can't get past this point without a pass.

Stan: Officer Barbrady! Blake Cartman's going to try to sabotage the concert!

Barbrady: Nonsense! He showed me a backstage pass.

Cartman: Blake never told me he got a backstage pass!

(Kenny sneaks past the officer)

Barbrady: Hey you! Come back here!

(Kenny gets up on stage right in front of an amp right when Blake turns the
volume control to full blast. The loud sonic force breaks all glass nearby
and sends Kenny flying. He's shot clear out of the amphitheatre and falls
down a nearby ravine, bouncing on sharp rocks and landing with a thud at
the bottom.)

Kyle: Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bastard!

Trent: What the hell?

Mayor: What in God's name is going on?

(Blake makes a run for it but is tackled by Daria, causing him to fall.)

Blake: (pushing her off) Get the hell away from me, bitch!

Jane: (kicking Blake in the back of the head) Don't call my friend a bitch,
you dickhead! What the hell is your problem?

Blake: No band plays South Park but mine!

Daria: What the hell is this, a turf war?

Stan: (to Blake) Yeah, dude, music's not about taking control of land or
about who's better. Right, Cartman?

Cartman: (not knowing whose side to take) Uh, yeah. I guess.

Barbrady: (arresting Blake) Okay, let's go, young man. I'm going to have to
detain you for the rest of the event. It's a good thing no one was hurt.

(Stage crewmen adjust the volume back to normal.)

Kyle: (to Trent and Jesse) Sorry about that, guys. Technical difficulties.
Go ahead. Trent and Jesse start over. The rest of the show goes fine and
everyone has a good time.


Scene 1: After the show, Trent and Jesse are putting stuff away when Daria,
Jane and a young woman who looks like a late-twenties, blond version of
Jane approach.

Jane: Hey Trent. Look who it is.

Trent: Summer!

Summer: Hey there, Trent.

(Trent and Summer hug.)

Summer: Good show you put on today.

Trent: Thanks. And thank you for getting us this gig. We wouldn't be here
if it weren't for you.

Summer: Don't mention it.

Trent: And sorry about the little "technical difficulty."

Summer: Oh, don't worry about it. A week from now, everybody will have
regained all 100% of their hearing.

Trent: Yeah. So, where are your kids?

Summer: Oh, right over there. (calling) Hey, Winter! Autumn! Spring! Come
over here and say hi to your uncle!

(a bored looking boy and 2 girls come over. They have the usual Lane eyes
and look to be between the ages of 6 and 8.)

Winter: Hey, Uncle Trent.

Autumn: How's it going?

Spring: W'sup.

Trent: Hey. Uh, how's school?

Winter: Boring.

Autumn: Held back.

Spring: Dropping out.

Trent: I see.

Scene 2: Trent and Jesse are standing with the Mayor in front of a crowd.

Mayor: (obviously reading off teleprompter) We, the people of South Park,
would all like to thank Musty Spiral...

Trent: Mystic Spiral.

Mayor: Whatever...for coming all the way over here and performing for us.

(Mayor does a super-wide photo op grin as pictures are taken.)

Scene 3: Trent, Jesse, Daria and Jane are walking to the van.

Jane: Well, all in all, this whole thing went pretty well.

Daria: Looks like you spoke too soon.

(Blake and the band members are standing in front of the van.)

Blake: Hello, Trent.

Trent: Hey, it's you. (whispering to Daria) Who is this guy?

Blake: I'm the guy who's not too happy that another band is trying to steal
the spotlight from mine.

Jesse: Wait a minute. This must be the guy behind the "technical difficulty".

Trent: Man, you've got some nerve!

Jane: (to Daria) I've never seen Trent get angry before. This is going to
be interesting.

Blake: Anyway, I'm not really one to hold a grudge and resort to physical
violence, so I propose that we settle this in the gentlemanly manner. I
propose a duel.

Daria: What, you mean like with guns?

Blake: Hell no! Shit, what kind of vengeful psycho do you take me for?

(Daria and Jane start to open their mouths)

Blake: Shut up. No, I mean a musician's duel. You do know what that is,
don't you? (our heroes just look at him blankly) Page 6 in the handbook?

Trent: Oh, OK. (pulls out booklet that says MUSICIAN'S HANDBOOK, flips
through it.) Oh, here it is. "A musician's duel is when 2 musicians
engage in a contest using instrument of the challenger's choice".

Blake: Well, what do you say? It's the only way to see who is the better

Trent: Sorry, dude. I don't do that kind of stuff.

Blake: Oh, come on! What are you, chicken?

Daria: Trent, you don't have to do it!

Blake's bandmates: Chicken! BAK-bak-bak-bak-BAK!

Trent: Oh, fine. You're on, Blake. But I'm not doing it to show who's
better, I'm doing it to teach your sorry ass a lesson! And it better be an
instrument I can play, or else no duel.

Blake: Very well. Meet me at the clock tower on top of the hill at high
noon tomorrow.

(Our heroes just stare at Blake blankly)

Blake: (sigh) Take Route 44 ten minutes north from the Town Square, make a
left turn at Maple...


Scene 1: Trent is standing at the clock tower. Also present are Daria,
Jane, Jesse, Summer, Summer's kids, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and the Chef.
The clock shows 11:59. Blake and his band show up.

Blake: Glad you could make it, Trent.

Trent: Glad to see you too, Blake.

Blake: (opens a suitcase) OK, Trent. Choose your weapon.

(there are 2 banjos inside. Trent takes one.)

Jane: Wow. Dueling banjos.

Daria: Bring out the rednecks.

Blake: OK. When the clock strikes noon, we begin.

Trent: (shrugs) Sounds good to me.

(The clock shows 11:59. "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" theme plays.
Close-up of Trent's determined eyes. Close-up of Blake's determined eyes.
The clock shows 11:59. Close-up of Daria and Jane. Close-up of Summer.
The clock shows 11:59. Close-up of Jesse. Close-up of Summer's kids.
Autumn yawns. The clock shows 11:59. Close-up of Stan, then Kyle, then
Cartman. Close up of the Chef. The clock shows 11:59.)

Chef: God dammit, what the hell is taking so long?

Stan: Hey, look at the sign on the door!


Cartman: (looks at watch) My watch says 12:30.

Kyle: So does mine.

Summer: Mine too!

Blake: Oh, hell, let's just begin.

Trent: Fine.

(Blake strums a chord. Trent strums the same chord. Blake and Trent
basically do the whole Dueling Banjos routine from "Deliverance" all
the way up to the Yankee Doodle-ish part, then the really intense and
fast part. The small crowd looks pretty amazed. The melody just gets
faster and faster, with Blake trying to make Trent mess up and Trent doing
a pretty good job of keeping up. Smoke starts to come out of the banjos.)

Daria, Jane, Jesse, Summer, Summer's kids, Stan, Kyle, Chef: Come on, Trent!
Come on, Trent!

Blake's band: Come on, Blake! Come on, Blake!

Cartman: Come on Trent! Or... Blake! or... GOD-DAMMIT!

(Suddenly one of Blake's strings breaks and he stops playing. Trent plays
the conclusion of the melody.)

Kyle: Hey! Trent won!

(Everyone cheers for Trent)

Blake: God-DAMMIT! (hurls away banjo)

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the hill, where the edge of a cliff is, Kenny
crawls out. Turns out he's still alive. The banjo bounces off his head,
this causes him to fall off the edge. Kenny tumbles into the river below,
where the fast-moving current carries him over a waterfall, and he gets
impaled on the jagged rocks below. Rats come and start nibbling and
picking apart his carcass.

Blake: Well, I guess we all know who the better musician is. Congratulations,

Trent: No, Blake. There is no better musician. I think the lesson to be
learned here is that music isn't about the better band or any sort of turf
war. Your whole attitude was pointless, Blake, and I hope this experience
taught you something.

Blake: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Spring: But he still beat you at Dueling Banjos! Nyah nyah nya-nya nyah!

All the kids: Nyah nyah nya-nya nyah!

Blake: Grr. Let's go guys.

(Blake's band leaves.)

Scene 2: At the hotel room that night. Daria is sitting, watching TV.

Jane comes in.

Jane: Hey Daria, are you busy tonight?

Daria: Does it look like I'm busy tonight?

Jane: Trent asked Jesse to ask me to give you this.

(hands Daria a note. Daria opens it. It says: MEET ME AT STARK'S POND AT
9:00. -TRENT)

Daria: I wonder what he wants.

Jane: (sarcastically) Gee, Daria, your guess is as good as mine.

(Daria scowls at her.)


Scene 1: Daria waits at Stark's Pond, nervously. Trent shows up. He has his

Trent: Hey, Daria.

Daria: Hey, Trent.

Trent: How are you?

Daria: Fine. And you?

Trent: Great.


Trent: Uh, I have a song here, if you want to hear it.

Daria: Umm, o--kay...

Trent: Great. (takes out music sheet, sets it down) Well, here goes.

(starts playing)

Trent: (singing) I'm gonna make love to ya woman, Gonna lay you down by the
fire, And caress your womanly body, Make you moan, and perspire,

(Daria starts to feel really uncomfortable)

Trent: Gonna make love, make love, lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove...

Daria: Trent, what the hell are you singing?

Trent: Uh, apparently a make-out song I got from that Chef guy and really
should have read first.

Daria: You got a make-out song from the Chef?

Trent: Yeah, after I asked him for advice on how to get you to like me. He
seems to know a lot about this stuff.

Daria: Trent, am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?

Trent: Yes, Daria. I like you. There, I said it. I don't know if you feel
the same way, and I know there's kind of an age difference, but that's the
way I feel and...

Daria: Trent?

Trent: Yeah?

Daria: I like you too.

Trent: You do?

Daria: Yeah!

Trent: Cool.

Daria: OK then.

(Camera focuses on Daria, then Trent, then Daria, then Trent, as "Romeo and
Juliet" love theme plays. They move forward to kiss.)

Daria: Trent?

Trent: Yeah?

Daria: Sometimes when I get really nervous, I have a tendency to become

Trent: Are you nervous?

Daria: No... Yes... No... BLEAAAAAH!

(vomits all over Trent)

Daria: Oh my God! Trent, I'm so sorry!

Trent: That's OK, I'm in a band, remember?

Daria: This is so embarrassing!

Trent: Really, it's all right, I'll never hold it against you.

Daria: You really mean it?

Trent: Yeah!

Daria: OK...


Trent: (points at vomit on the ground) Hey, what's that?

Daria: Looks like a French fry.

Trent: Cool. What's that?

Daria: Looks like part of a pizza.

Trent: Cool. What's that?

(Camera pans away from silhouettes of our two lovebirds as they have an
enjoyable discussion about Daria's vomit. "I'm gonna make love to ya woman"
plays in the background in the Chef's voice.)

Scene 2: The Chef is driving his car on the highway when he spots another
car with a flat tire by the side of the road. There is a woman standing
by the car. Chef pulls over and gets out.

Chef: Hello there, ma'am.

Ms. Barch: Get the hell away from me, you man.

Chef: My, aren't we testy. Are you going to Denver?

Ms. Barch: Yes, I'm going to a feminist convention there and I don't need
any man talking to me.

Chef: OK, but I can change that tire if you'd like. Don't say I didn't
offer to help. (walks to his car.)

Ms. Barch: Are you sure you know how to change a flat tire?

Chef: Oh yes indeed, ma'am. Changing a flat tire is like... well, making
sweet love to a beautiful woman such as yourself. You gotta be careful
with it. Make the car feel like it's the most special thing in the world
and you're there to...

Ms. Barch: (angry) Well are you going to change my flat tire or ain'tcha?

Chef: Yes ma'am, right away.


Scene 1: At the van. Trent, Jesse, Daria and Jane are packing up, ready to
leave. A bunch of people are there, Summer among them.

Summer: Well, it's been nice seeing you again. Look me up if you're ever in

Trent: We will, Summer.

Jane: Good luck finding Summer Jr., OK?

Summer: Thanks.

Trent: OK, everybody ready?

Jesse: Let's go.

(The 4 of them get in the van and it drives away. The crowd waves.)

Stan: Bye! Nice meeting you!

Daria: (voice fading as the van gets farther away) Nice meeting you too!

Stan: (to Kyle and Cartman) Now that that band is gone and Spiral Taps
isn't playing here for a while, whose concert are we going to go to?

Cartman: Hanson is performing in Colorado Springs on Friday. I hear those
chicks are really fine.

Kyle: OK, we can go see them.

Stan: Yeah.

Scene 2: In the van as it leaves Colorado. This time Daria is sitting up
front with Trent, and Jane and Jesse are sitting in the back.

Trent: All in all, I think everything turned out all right.

Daria: Yeah. The town was Highland with snow, but the people seemed nice.
Well, most of the people.

Jane: I'll bet not one person in Lawndale has heard of this place.

Daria: You're probably right.

Meanwhile, in the Chef's bedroom...

Ms. Barch: (moving closer to the Chef) Mmm, how about some more of that
good lovin', Chef?

Chef: Damn, woman! I just gave you sweet lovin' five minutes ago! You
tryin' to kill me?