ONE MAN'S TRASH. . .
A Daria/Sanford and Son Crossover Story
By Peter Guerin
With apologies to Norman Lear, Bud Yorkin, Glenn Eichler & Susie Lewis Lynn.
AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND INTRODUCTION
None of this ever happened. All events depicted in this story are fictitious.
As for continuity, this takes place after "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double
For those of you who are not familiar with "Sanford and Son", I'll give a
brief introduction. "Sanford and Son" was a hit comedy series that ran on
NBC from 1972 to 1977; Friday night, when it aired, was called "Death Valley"
because it was such a ratings hit. The show was based on a British comedy
series called "Steptoe and Son" (which was quite a common practice for some
American comedies in the 1970's and 1980's; "All in the Family" was based on
"Unto Death Do Us Part"; "Three's Company" was based on "Man
Around the House"
; "Too Close for Comfort" was based on "Keep it in the Family", etc.;
has it that Roseanne Barr has the development rights for an American
adaptation of "Absolutely Fabulous", which aired here on Comedy Central). It
starred legendary comedian Redd Foxx as Fred G. Sanford and Demond Wilson as
his son, Lamont Sanford (Wilson is now an ordained minister; his last acting
role was in playing the role of Oscar Madison in "The New Odd Couple"); they
ran their own salvage operation in the infamous South Central area of Los
Angeles' Watts neighborhood.
Fred was always trying to carry out his harebrained schemes to make money,
much to the chagrin of Lamont. Whenever Fred wasn't getting his way, or when
he saw something that was shocking, he'd have one of his fake heart attacks,
clutching his right hand over his heart, shooting out his left arm and
invoking the spirit of his late wife, Elizabeth ("Did you hear that,
Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you!"). Ironically, when Foxx died in 1991, it
was from a heart attack on the set of the series "The Royal Family"; in a
macabre twist, everyone at first thought he was doing the old Fred Sanford
fake heart attack schtick! Later on in the series, Fred acquired an apartment
complex that he named Sanford Arms, which became a basis for a spin-off series
of the same name after the first series ended.
There are a few other characters of note on the show, the most important being
Fred's sister-in-law Esther Anderson (played by LaWanda Page), who became a
born-again Baptist and keeps calling Fred a "heathen"; Officer Hopkins, a cop
who regularly stops by the salvage store and Grady, a friend of Fred's. The
show's theme song, "The Streetbeater", was written by legendary producer
Quincy Jones, who later went to produce Michael Jackson's record-breaking
best-selling album "Thriller". The song is kind of funky, with funky-sounding
horns, harmonica, and organ riffs.
"Sanford and Son" can be seen Monday through Friday nights at 9:00 PM Eastern,
6:00 PM Pacific on Nick at Nite TV Land as well as Sunday nights at 6:30 PM
Eastern, 3:30 PM Pacific. If you've got TV Land (our cheapskate cable
company, Harron Communications, just added it to our system), check it out.
It's damn funny!
All "Sanford and Son" characters are (C) 1972-1977 Tandem Productions;
copyright renewed 1998 Columbia/Tri-Star Television Distribution; A Sony
Pictures Entertainment Company. All "Daria" characters are (C) 1993, 1997,
1998 MTV Networks. All Hogan's Heroes characters depicted are (C) 1965-1971
Bing Crosby Productions; copyright renewed 1998 Paramount Pictures
Corporation, a Viacom International company. All Rights Reserved. All other
characters depicted are my creation.
One more note: this is my first stab at writing a script-style fanfic. If
I seem a bit wordy in the details, please forgive me.
(The usual "Daria" opening sequence rolls, with Splendora's "You're
on My Neck" playing. Scenes of Daria remaining stoic while everyone laughs at
a theater, some members of the Fashion Club colliding during a volleyball game
in gym class while Daria stands idly by, Daria blowing a whistle to get Kevin
and Brittany out of the way of her locker, Daria not cheering at a football
game, Daria reading a newspaper at a wedding, then her smiling face zooms up
to form the show's logo, below which is the title "'Daria' in 'One Man's
Trash. . .'")
(Cut to the opening sequence for "Sanford and Son". Quincy Jones's "The
Streetbeater" plays. The sign at the front of the building is shown, then
the camera pulls away to see Fred Sanford setting some junk out in front.
Lamont then is seen driving a vintage late 1940's to early 1950's Ford pick-up
truck down South Central, then pulls up in front of the shop.)
Scene 1: The Hard Rock Cafe in New York City, Midnight.
(A black van pulls up to the service entrance. Three thieves, dressed
entirely in black, get out. One of them goes to the electric meter and gets
out a pair of pliers.)
Thief # 1: Once I've killed the power to the place, we should get in there
Thief # 2: OK, OK, so cut the chatter and do it already!
(Thief # 1 takes the pliers and cuts the wires from the meter to the building.
Thief # 3 then kicks in the service entrance. They go in and go to a display
case. A guitar, once owned by Kurt Cobain, is in it. Thief # 1 takes a
crowbar and smashes the glass. He takes the guitar and he and the other two
thieves dash out of the building, get in the van, and speed off. An NYPD car
then drives by.)
NYPD Cop # 1: Hey, look at that! Someone just broke into the Hard Rock Cafe!
NYPD Cop # 2: Better call for back-up and check the place out! Who knows if
there's been anything stolen!
NYPD Cop # 1: (on radio) This is car 746. There's been a robbery at the
Hard Rock Cafe. Need back-up!
(The two cops now get out and enter the restaurant. They notice that the
display case is broken and the guitar is missing.)
NYPD Cop # 2: Holy cats! That guitar that Courtney Love lent to this place
is gone! It was one of Kurt Cobain's favorite guitars!
NYPD Cop # 1: This doesn't look good!
Scene 2: The living room of the Morgendorffer residence, Lawndale, the next
(Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane are watching "Sick Sad World" on TV. A
reporter at the anchor desk reads the lead-off story.)
Reporter: We lead off this edition of "Sick Sad World" with a shocking report
from New York City. Thieves have broken into the Hard Rock Cafe there and
stolen a guitar that once was played by Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain. The
guitar had been lent to the restaurant by Cobain's widow Courtney Love, lead
singer and guitarist of her own band Hole. NYPD officials said they have no
leads as to who would have done this or to a possible motive.
Daria: Well, that was pretty dumb on their part, Jane.
Jane: How so, Daria?
Daria: With Cobain's popularity, someone trying to hock that guitar will be
caught at the first pawn shop he'd go to.
Jane: The only question is: Who'd be dumb enough to want to buy it?
Scene 3: The thieves' hideout in Hackensack, New Jersey.
(The opening bars of "The Ghost of Tom Joad" from Rage Against the Machine can
be heard. A sign on the roadway says "Welcome to Hackensack". Cut to the
hideout, where the thieves are arguing with themselves. Thief # 1 is black;
Thief # 2 is white with blond hair, while Thief # 3 is Hispanic.)
Thief # 3: Now that we've got this guitar, what are we going to do with it?
Thief # 1: Get money for it, that's what!
Thief # 2: You know the moment we set foot in a pawn shop with that, the
heat will be all over us!
Thief # 1: Don't worry, I've got a plan.
Thief # 2: You do?
Thief # 1: (Sarcastically) Yes, I do! My nephew in Los Angeles knows of this
second-hand salvage place in South Central. The guy who owns it is a
scatterbrain; we can pull a fast one on him. He'll never know that we're
fencing the guitar to him.
Thief # 3: You'd better be on the level about this!
Thief # 1: Trust me on this, OK?
Thief # 2: That's what you said the last time; then we got caught trying to
heist all the gold from Fort Knox!
Thief # 1: Yeah, but our lawyer, Murray the Mouthpiece, got us off on a
technicality. Or don't you remember that?
Thief # 3: Well, I won't rest easy until we've crossed the border into Mexico
with the cash.
Thief # 1: I promise, nothing won't go wrong this time.
Thieves #'s 2 & 3: YEAH, RIGHT!
Scene 4: Sanford and Son Salvage, Watts neighborhood of Los Angeles.
(The opening bars from "Walking on the Sun" from Smashmouth can be heard.
Fred Sanford is seen coming downstairs to his living room, which doubles as
his customer area. He turns on the TV and watches "The Today Show". Chris
Jansing is giving the news summary.)
Jansing: Police in New York City are baffled over the theft of a guitar once
owned by legendary Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain from the display case it
was being stored in at the Hard Rock Cafe in Manhattan. The power was cut to
the building by the thief or thieves, who then stole the guitar. Police then
just happened to drive by on routine patrol some time after the theft and
investigated. So far, no leads at to who did this and why.
Fred: Who'd want a guitar from that dummy anyway? He'd blowed his brains
(Lamont steps in from outside.)
Lamont: Hey, Pop! Good morning!
Fred: Good morning, son. How's things?
Lamont: (Unfolding a copy of the Los Angeles Times that he got) Did you hear
about this? It's about a theft in Manhattan involving a guitar once owned by
(He shows the article to Fred.)
Fred: I just saw that on TV, dummy! That Cobain fool was a dummy for
Lamont: Pop, Kurt Cobain was an idol to many young people who though he was
speaking out for them.
(Esther strolls in, clasping a Bible in one hand.)
Esther: Well, he got what he deserved for playing the Devil's music! Amen to
(She slaps herself on the knee for emphasis.)
Lamont: Aunt Esther, aren't you being a bit judgmental about him? He had a
very troubled life!
Esther: Well, it didn't help matters when that heathen got hooked on heroin!
Fred: He wasn't no heathen, he was just a dummy who blowed his brains out!
Esther: Who asked you, heathen?
Lamont: Pop, Aunt Esther, can't you two get along?
Fred: That'll be the same day the Chicago Cubs win the World Series, dummy!
Jansing (on the TV): Finally, the Chicago Cubs are closing in on clinching
the NL Central after they swept an important three game series against the
Houston Astros. The odds look good for them to win their first World Series
in ninety years.
(Suddenly, Fred clutches his right hand over his heart, and shoots out his
left arm out in the air.)
Fred: (Looking up at the ceiling) Did you hear that, Elizabeth? The Cubs
are going to win the World Series this year! Now I'll have to get along with
Esther! I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth! I'm coming to join you!
(Lamont looks on in disgust.)
Esther: The only place you're going when you get yours, heathen, is some
place very hot!
Fred: (Continuing his fake heart attack) Did you hear that, Elizabeth! I'm
going to Miami!
Lamont: Come on, you two! Knock it off!
Esther: Well, I'd better be on my way. So long, Lamont! (To Fred.) So long,
(She leaves. Fred stops his fake heart attack.)
Fred: Thank God she's gone!
Lamont: Pop, you've got to put a bit more effort in getting along with her! She's my aunt
as well as your
sister-in-law. Remember, you can't choose your relatives.
Fred: That may be true, dummy, but you can choose which ones you can leave
out of your will!
(They continue to argue.)
Scene 5: Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale.
(Trent Lane, Jane's sister, and his friend, Jesse Moreno, both members of
the rock band Mystik Spiral, are practicing in the basement. Jane and Daria
enter with the mail.)
Daria: Must those two practice at such a loud level?
Jane: We're used to it.
(Trent and Jesse stop.)
Trent: What's up, Janey?
Jane: You've got a letter from Jesse's cousin, Chris Crash.
Trent: You mean from Chris Crash and the Failed Airbag Commandos?
Jane: Yeah, the one.
Jesse: Hey, how's he doing these days?
Jane: He says that he would like to have you as an opening act in his
upcoming concert at the Viper Room.
Trent: Wow, the Viper Room. Cool.
Daria: I don't know, Trent; that's the place where River Phoenix died from
Trent: C'mon, Daria, that was a long time ago.
Jane: Yeah, I'm pretty sure they removed the tape outline where his body fell
Jesse: Besides, I don't get to see my cousin too much.
Daria: I guess that means we'll have to ride in the "Tank" again?
Jane: Nope. Chris enclosed first class tickets. The gig's for this
Saturday, and the flight's for this Friday
Trent: That won't give us much time.
Jane: For practice?
Trent: No, for a good pre-concert sleep. I can't function unless I get a
good sleep before a concert.
Daria: When would we be back by?
Jane: The tickets say that we return on Sunday evening.
Daria: Good. (Speaking sarcastically.) I'd hate to miss school.
Jane: Just like you'd miss a hole in your head.
Daria: I'll just have to see if Mom and Dad say it's all right.
Scene 6: The dining room of the Morgendorffer residence.
(The opening guitar riffs from "Ty Cobb" from Soundgarden can be heard.
Daria, her mother Helen, her father Jake and her sister Quinn are sitting
around the table.)
Helen: Daria! You want to go on another trip already! You just got back
from Japan after all that mess with the Neo-Zero affair!
Daria: It's just going to be to Los Angeles and only for the weekend.
Besides, nothing can happen between Trent and I with Jane and Jesse along.
Jake: We're not worried about that, Daria! It's just that it's so soon after
you returned from Tokyo, that's all!
Quinn: How come I don't get to travel by myself or my friends?
Daria: Hey, Miss Keg Queen, do I have to remind you of when you were named
that when we visited Mom and Dad's alma mater?
Quinn: Don't remind me!
Helen: Well, if it'll only be to Los Angeles and only for the weekend, then
I don't see a problem in that, do you, Jake?
Jake: Well. . .
Helen: Back me up on this one, Jake, or die!
Jake: Yes, dear!
Daria: I'll pack up my things and you can pick me up at school and drive me
down to the airport on Friday then.
Helen: Of course, dear!
Quinn: How come I don't get to do cool stuff like that!
Daria: Maybe I'd ought to tell Mom and Dad about those pills you've been
taking, the ones you said were to relieve migraine headaches. . .
Quinn: OOPS! I forgot! I've got to go to a meeting of the Fashion Club!
(She dashes out of the room.)
Helen: What pills, Daria? You don't mean THOSE pills!
Daria: That's for me to know and for you to find out!
(The "La, la, la, la, la" refrain from "You're Standing on My Neck"
while a replay of Fred's fake heart attack in slo-motion and all in a blue
tint is shown, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
ACT II, YANKEES I
(OK, OK, I swiped that one from "Police Squad!" So sue me!)
Scene 1: Lawndale International Airport, near Gate 12 for United Airlines
Flight 347 to Los Angeles.
(Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, bassist Nicholas Campbell, drummer Max Tyler,
Jake, Helen, Darren and Amanda Lane and Quinn are standing near the gate.)
Helen: Now, Daria, please be careful out there in Los Angeles.
Daria: Mom, if anyone tries to mug me or try to harm me, I'll kick them in
Jake: That's my girl!
Helen: Jake, keep your opinions to yourself!
Jake: Yes, Dear!
Quinn: I wish I was going with you, Daria!
Daria: Why, so you can go to Beverly Hills and ogle at all the expensive
fashions you can't even afford?
Quinn: That's none of your business, Daria!
Amanda: If you go to Death Valley, find my old friend Jeff Crow Foot; he
helps me meditate when I go on vacation there.
Jane: Sure, Mom!
Airport PA Announcer: United Flight 347 to Los Angeles is now boarding!
Darren: You guys better hop your plane now.
Helen: Have a nice time, everyone!
Daria: Bye, everyone!
(Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nicholas and Max head down the gate.)
Quinn: HMPH! Daria gets to do all the fun stuff!
Helen: Come on, Quinn! Someday we'll take you to Beverly Hills and you can
get anything you want on Rodeo Drive!
Quinn: Thanks, Mom!
Jake: Helen, do you know how much expensive those stores are?
Helen: Jake, don't spoil the moment!
Jake: Yes, Dear!
(Shot of a McDonnell-Douglas DC-10 taking off and flying. The opening bars
of "Firestarter" from Prodigy can be heard.)
Scene 2: On board the plane.
(Daria and Trent are sitting next to each other, with Jane and Jesse behind
them, and Nicholas and Max across the aisle. A flight attendant approaches
with the beverage cart.)
Flight Attendant: Coffee, tea, or milk, Sir?
Trent: I guess I'll have a milk, thanks.
Flight Attendant: And what about you, Ma'am?
Daria: (Sarcastically) A stiff shot of whiskey would do me fine.
Flight Attendant: (Gasping) Young lady, you look a bit young to have alcohol!
Besides, we don't serve that until later!
Jane: Whatever she's having, I'm having!
Flight Attendant: Well, I never! (She hands Trent his milk. Then she sneers
the following.) Have a nice flight.
Daria: Damn, and I was hoping to get away with it!
Trent: You weren't serious about having that whiskey, were you?
Daria: (with an evil grin on her face) Maybe yes, maybe no!
Jane: (To Daria) Hey, aren't you excited about visiting Los Angeles?
Daria: Why would anyone risk their lives in going to an area that's smogged
up all the time and has devastating earthquakes is beyond me. That place is
Jane: Then you'll love it.
Daria: Jane, I'm not that depressed.
Jane: Suit yourself.
(The plane is seen touching down in Los Angeles.)
Scene 3: Los Angeles International Airport, Baggage Area.
(The opening bars of "Spark" from Tori Amos can be heard. Daria, Jane, Trent,
Jesse, Nicholas and Max arrive to claim their baggage. It comes down the
Daria: Welcome to Hell, otherwise known as Los Angeles.
Trent: Well, we'd better hail a taxi and check into some motel.
Jane: Who's going to stay in what room?
Daria: Maybe you and Jesse can stay in one room. . .
(Jane blushes in embarrassment.)
Jane: Uh, we'll figure it out when we get there!
(They grab their baggage and go. Suddenly, they see a chauffeur holding a
card that says "MYSTIK SPIRAL" on it.)
Chauffeur: Are you with Mystik Spiral, and are those your groupies?
Trent: I hate to burst your bubble, Sir, but one of those "groupies" is my
sister; the other's my girlfriend.
Chauffeur: Suit yourself, Sir. I will take you to your hotel rooms.
Daria: Jesse's cousin's thought of everything, hasn't he?
Trent: When you're a big hit in LA, you can afford the good life.
(They follow the chauffeur. The three thieves now appear and claim the trunk
that has the stolen guitar.)
Thief # 1: Now, we'll head for Sanford and Son Salvage and cash in on our
Thief # 3: We'd better get a load of bread for this, man!
Thief # 1: We will, trust me.
Scene 4: A room at the Los Angeles Hilton.
(The opening bars of "Wynonna's Big Brown Beaver" from Primus can be heard.
Daria and Trent are unpacking. Trent opens the case for his guitar and his
face changes expression.)
Daria: What's the matter, Trent?
Trent: My guitar got broken on the flight. The neck snapped in half. I've
had this since I was fourteen.
Daria: What are we going to do now?
Trent: I'll see if I can find a used one at a second-hand store or something
Daria: And the concert's going to be tomorrow. You won't have much time.
Trent: I'll find a way; I always do.
(Suddenly, screams can be heard below in the pool area. Everyone scatters.
Daria and Trent race to the window, open it, and look outside.)
Trent: What's going on?
Daria: Who knows?
(Suddenly, they see Jane, nude, emerge from the pool.)
Jane: (Yelling out to everyone), Hey, come on, everyone! Haven't you ever
seen anyone skinny-dipping in your life?
(Daria can't help but laugh. Trent begins to laugh himself.)
Trent: That's my Janey! Always raising Hell wherever she goes!
Scene 5: Sanford and Son Salvage. Later that evening.
(The drumroll intro and opening horn section of the "Theme from Hogan's
Heroes" can be heard. The three thieves enter the living room, carrying the
guitar in its case. Fred and his friend Grady are watching "Hogan's Heroes"
Col. Klink: (on the TV) Hogan, you're making my life here very difficult!
Col. Hogan: Things could be worse, Klink.
Col. Klink: How so?
Col. Hogan: They could transfer you to the Russian front.
Col. Klink: You do have a point there.
(Canned laughter erupts from the TV.)
Fred: That dummy Klink wouldn't know about those guys smuggling a freight
train even if it happened under his nose!
Thief # 1: AHEM!
Grady: Fred, I think these gentlemen want to conduct some business with you.
Fred: (Looking up) Oh, I didn't recognize you fellas! Welcome! What can I
do for you?
Thief # 1: We're interested in selling a guitar I haven't had a need for
Fred: OK, let's see what you got.
(Thief # 1 opens the case and reveals the guitar.)
Thief # 1: I was hoping to become a rock star, but I never got the hang of
it. It's been slightly used and is still in excellent shape.
(Fred looks over the guitar.)
Fred: Well, I could offer you $300 for it.
Thief # 1: I was more interested in $2000.
Fred: OK, how about $500?
Thief # 1: $1500.
Thief # 1: Deal!
Fred: If you excuse me, gentlemen, I'll get your money.
(He goes to a nearby table, hits it a few times, and a drawer on the side
shoots out. He takes out the money from it.)
Thief # 3: One thousand dollars for that guitar? Are you nuts?
Thief # 1: Just be lucky we're making any money at this at all!
(Fred counts the money and hands it to Thief # 1.)
Fred: Here you go, $1000 cash.
Thief # 1: Thank you, Sir!
Fred: Thank you for doing business with Sanford and Son Salvage, and come
Grady: Well, that was pretty fast dealing there, Fred.
Fred: Well, you know me, Grady, I always drives a hard bargain!
(The thieves leave. Fred settles down to watch some more "Hogan's Heroes".)
Sgt. Schultz: (on TV) Col. Hogan, you're not hiding any spies around here,
Col. Hogan: (on TV) Now why would I do a thing like that? Besides, if
there was a spy here in Stalag 13, you and Klink would be taking a one-way
trip to Stalingrad.
Sgt. Schultz: (on TV) I hear nothing, I see nothing! (He leaves the
Newkirk: (on TV) You really pulled a fast one on Schultz there, Colonel!
(Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nicholas and Max now enter.)
Daria: What dump is this?
Trent: It's that salvage place those Crips recommended to us, remember?
Jane: Let's just hope the Bloods didn't track us down.
Daria: (Sarcastically) Don't worry, if there are any, we'll see if they sell
any AK-47's here.
Grady: Fred, there's some other people here who want to do business with you.
(Fred looks up.)
Fred: Hello, everyone! What can I do for you?
Trent: I was looking for a guitar because the one I had broke and I need to
play at a concert tomorrow.
Fred: You're in luck! I just got this one in! (He shows it to Trent).
Jesse: Hey, that's a neat guitar there!
Fred: I can let you have it for say, about $1500.
Trent: I was hoping more on the lines of $300
Fred: OK, how about $1200?
Fred: $800, and I'm not making any money on this, either.
Trent: $775, and that's my final offer.
(Trent takes about $200 dollars out.)
Trent: Jesse, you got any cash on you?
Jesse: I can let you have $200.
Nicholas: I've got about $300.
Max: I can make up the $75.
(The four of the pool their resources together and hand the money to Fred,
who then gives the guitar to Trent.)
Trent: Thanks, man! I really appreciate it.
Fred: Sure. And thanks for doing business with Sanford and Son Salvage.
Daria: (Muttering to herself) When Hell freezes over! (She and the others
Fred: Well, that guitar sold pretty quickly, even though I did take a $225
loss on it. (He settles down to watch more "Hogan's Heroes", but then Lamont
Lamont: Hi, Pop, Hi Grady.
Fred: Hi, son. Man, you missed all the activity here.
Lamont: What do you mean?
Fred: Well, these three guys came here and sold me a guitar for $1000. Then
these four guys and two ladies came here and bought it for $775.
Lamont: Pop, you sold that guitar for a $225 loss. How are we going to make
money if you buy high and sell low like that?
Fred: I'm just in the junk business, dummy, not the music business!
Lamont: Pop, all you ever think about is your moneymaking schemes. The
Sanford Arms is falling apart, and you don't do anything about it to fix it.
All you want is to collect the rent.
Fred: Well, that rent keeps us in business now, doesn't it? It makes up for
any losses we have here at the junk yard.
Grady: Yeah, Lamont, cut your father some slack here. He may be an old coot
but he ain't that crazy!
(The TV program switches to the local news.)
TV News Anchorperson: (on TV) Good evening, everyone. Tonight's top story:
Police in New York City are still stumped over the theft of a guitar that
once belongs to Kurt Cobain from the Hard Rock Cafe there. Police have
released this picture of what the guitar looks like. The guitar has been
valued at $500,000 because of its associations with Cobain, who was lead
singer for the alternative rock band Nirvana who committed suicide in 1994.
(A picture of the guitar is shown.)
Lamont: (Looking at it) Hey, there's the guitar that got stolen in New York!
Fred: Funny, it looks just like the guitar I bought and later sold today.
(Lamont shoots a hostile look at Fred).
Lamont: Pop, don't tell me that you had that guitar?
Fred: Well, I don't know, son. It could have been. I'm pretty sure that
there are lots of guitars that look like that!
Lamont: Pop, if the police find out that you had that guitar, you could be
arrested for dealing in stolen goods. We could lose our license to operate
this junk yard!
(Fred clutches his right hand over his heart, and shoots his left arm out.)
Fred: Did you hear that, Elizabeth? They're going to arrest me because I
had that dummy's guitar! They'll send me away to Alcatraz and be with that
dummy Bird Man! I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth! I'm coming to join you!
Lamont: Pop, the Bird Man of Alcatraz died in 1962, and they shut down that
prison in 1963.
Fred: Don't spoil the moment, dummy!
Lamont: We've got to get that guitar back and turn it over to the police!
Fred: (Stopping his fake heart attack) OK, OK, son. I think I remember what
they look like. The people I sold it to were pretty scruffy looking.
Lamont: Come on, Pop, let's find them.
Scene 6: A motel room where the thieves are hiding out. The next morning.
(The opening bars of "Bombtrack" from Rage Against the Machine can be heard.
Thief # 3 enters the room, holding a newspaper in his hand. He goes to Thief
# 1 and wakes him, then slaps him across the face with the paper.)
Thief # 1: OW! Why'd' you do that for?
Thief # 3: You idiot! Read this article about the guitar we sold! It turns
out it's worth $500,000! We could have gone to the Mafia and gotten more
money for it.
Thief # 1: So, what you want me to do about it?
Thief # 3: Get it back so we can take it to someone who can give us more
money for it!
Thief # 1: Of course, you realize that by this time they may have sold it.
Thief # 3: Then they'll have to tell us who they sold it to!
Thief # 1: OK, OK, hold your horses! Let me get dressed and we'll take
care of it!
Thief # 3: What an idiot he is!
Scene 7: Sanford and Son Salvage, later that morning.
(The opening bars of "I Hate You" from The Monks can be heard. Fred and
Lamont are having breakfast. Lamont sees an ad in the Los Angeles Times for
the Chris Crash/Mystik Spiral concert.)
Lamont: Hey, Pop, here's an ad for a concert that's taking place at the Viper
Room tonight. That band pictured here looks pretty scruffy.
(He shows the ad to Fred. His eyes widen.
Fred: Hey! Those are the guys I sold that guitar to; you know, the one
those crooks stole and then they sold it to me and then I sold it to those
Lamont: Maybe we can find them before the concert and explain what's been
going on! (He reads more of the paper, and reads an article about the
concert.) It says here that they're staying at the Los Angeles Hilton.
Maybe we can get there and get the guitar back and clear this whole mess up.
(Suddenly, the door is kicked open, and the three thieves burst in, wielding
Thief # 1: (To Fred) OK, old man! You'd better tell me what you did with
that guitar we sold you last night!
Fred: Well, it's not here anymore!
Thief # 1: What do you mean, it's not here anymore!
Fred: Well, I sold it to some scruffy looking guys who call themselves. . .
themselves. . .(he looks at the ad) call themselves Mystery Spinal!
Lamont: Pop, that's Mystik Spiral!
Fred: Keep out of this, dummy!
Thief # 3: (Cocking his gun back) Well, then you'd better tell us where this
Mystik Spiral is so we can get it back! If not--(he shoots the gun and the
bullet goes into the water heater, sending hot water spritzing all over the
Lamont: Pop, these people are very serious. Maybe we'd better tell them.
(Fred clutches his right hand over his heart and shoots his left arm out
Fred: Did you hear that, Elizabeth? These crooks want to kill me because I
sold their guitar that they stolen from that dummy who blowed his brains out!
I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth! I'm coming to join you!
(Thief # 2 sees the article.)
Thief # 2: Don't bother. This article says that they're at the Los Angeles
Hilton. We'll go there and get the guitar back. (He turns to Fred and
Lamont). Just consider yourselves lucky that we won't kill you--this time!
(The thieves leave.)
Lamont: Pop, we've got to warn Mystik Spiral about this! I'm going to call
the hotel. (He goes to the phone and dials the number for the Los Angeles
Hilton. After a few seconds, there is an answer). Hello? Is this the Los
Angeles Hilton? Is there a band called Mystik Spiral there right now?
(Pause). They've left for concert practice? Do you know where? (Pause.)
Thank you; I'm sorry to have bothered you. Bye. (He hangs up.) Pop, they're
not at the hotel right now; they're at a practice for their concert.
Fred: You go on ahead, son. I'll stay where it's safe.
Lamont: Oh, no, you don't, Pop! You're going with me!
Fred: Come on, son! I'm too young to die!
Lamont: Pop, you're in your 90's, for God's sake.
Lamont: To me, that's too young!
(Lamont takes him by the hand and drags him out of the room. The "La, la,
la, la, la" refrain from "You're Standing on My Neck" can be heard while
scene of Thief # 3 hitting Thief # 1 with the rolled-up newspaper plays in
slo-motion in a blue tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
ACT III, DODGERS II
(Now, that one I did make up!)
Scene 1: The Viper Room. Later that day.
(Mystik Spiral is having their practice. They play the opening riffs for
"Ice Box Woman". Trent goes up to the microphone and begins singing.)
Trent: You're an angel in black, and you sure have a knack/For putting my
heart on the shelf in the back!/I'm waiting my turn, oh, when will I learn?/
My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn!/Because you're an ice box
woman!/Ice box woman!/Ice box woman!/You're heart is made out of block ice!
Jane: Don't you just find this song romantic, Daria?
Daria: If that's supposed to be romantic, then how come Michael Bolton
doesn't sing stuff like this?
Jane: He's probably weeping all the way to the bank figuring that one out!
(The band finishes its song. Trent goes up to Daria.)
Trent: So, what do you think of that song, Daria?
Daria: I've heard it quite a few dozen times by now, Trent.
Trent: Well, it's my love song to you.
(Daria's eyes widen.)
Daria: It is?
(Trent produces a copy of the song.)
Trent: Yes, it is. See right here, below the song title and my name? It
says, "This song is dedicated to the love of my life, Daria Morgendorffer."
Daria: Well, gee, Trent, I'm flattered, I think.
Jane: Take it from me, Daria; coming from Trent, that is high praise.
(Approaching from stage left is Chris Crash and the Failed Airbag Commandos,
featuring: Chris Crash on vocals and guitars; Dumb Larry on bass; Jerky
Jacko on rhythm guitar; and Corporal Boom-Boom on drums. They all have
mohawks; Chris's is red, while Larry's is blue, Jacko's purple and Boom-Boom's
green. They also sports nose rings, multiple earrings and leather.)
Chris: Hey, everyone, what's up?
Jesse: Chris, glad to see you, man!
Chris: So, you're prepared to be the opening act for tonight's concert?
Jesse: We are. Almost.
Chris: What do you mean by that?
Boom-Boom: Maybe they need to take some weed first!
Jesse: No. Nothing like that. Trent here's got to have his pre-concert nap
or he won't be at his best.
Larry: Is that so?
Trent: Hey, they don't call me "The Rip Van Winkle of Rock and Roll" for
Jacko: Weird, man!
(Suddenly, there's a commotion outside. Fred and Lamont are trying to get
in, with the guards trying to hold them back. They burst into the floor in
front of the stage.)
Fred: Hey, hey, hey! We need to talk to Musty Spooker!
Lamont: That's Mystik Spiral, Pop!
Trent: What's going on?
Guard # 1: These two jokers here say that they sold you a guitar yesterday
and they want it back.
Lamont: It's true, Mr. Lane.
Trent: Let them go. I'll speak to them.
(The guards let them go.)
Fred: Well, at least someone here is willing to listen to us, son!
Trent: Now, tell me, what's going on?
Lamont: First, let me introduce ourselves. I'm Lamont Sanford, and that's
my father, Fred. We run Sanford and Son Salvage over at Watts.
Trent: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)
Lamont: Anyway, that guitar that my father sold you is actually the guitar
that was stolen from the Hard Rock Cafe in New York City.
Trent: You mean, the one that Kurt Cobain used to play on?
Lamont: Yes, that one. We've got to turn it in to the police so that we can
clear this whole thing up.
Daria: Funny how things take a sinister turn at times; don't you agree, Jane?
Jane: Yeah, like when I took my morning run earlier and stepped on some
doggie doo. Don't they have pooper-scooper laws in this city?
(Suddenly, there is another commotion outside. The guards rush out to
investigate. Shots are fired. The three thieves enter.)
Thief # 1: (Yelling at the top of his lungs) ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, NOBODY
(Fred clutches his right hand over his heart and shoots his left arm out.)
Fred: Did you hear that, Elizabeth? They've come for me! I'll be joining
Daria: And who the Hell is Elizabeth?
Jane: And what did you do with the guards?
Thief # 2: They're dead!
Jane: Ask a stupid question. . .
Thief # 1: (Yelling at the top of his lungs again) SHUT UP!
Thief # 2: You're getting only one chance at this! Tell me where the guitar
Daria: And if we don't, then what?
Thief # 1: (Grabbing Jane and thrusting the barrel of his gun against her
right temple) If not, then we're going to blow your friend's brains out!
Jane: Great! That'll make two things we'll have in common with Kurt Cobain!
Thief # 3: Where is the guitar?
Chris: Maybe we don't have it; can you figure that out?
Thief # 1: (Cocking the gun back) Don't get funny with me!
Jesse: Maybe we'd better tell them the truth, Trent!
Daria: If you do that, Trent, you'll never be able to live with yourself.
Thief # 1: I'm losing my patience!
Trent: OK, OK, OK! (He proceeds to go to the stage. He grabs the guitar
and goes to the thieves. Suddenly, he punches Thief # 3 out cold. Jane
elbows Thief # 1 and punches him in the solar plexus, sending him crashing
to the floor. They all gang up on Thief # 2 now, and surround him.)
Daria: If I were you, I'd drop the gun!
(Thief # 2 proceeds to do so. Suddenly, Esther bursts in with some LAPD
officers, including Officer Hopkins, the one who regularly visits the junk
Esther: They're they are, my nephew and his heathen father!
Fred: Out of the frying pan and into the fire, eh, son?
Hopkins: Are you guys OK?
Fred: Yeah, we are, Officer Hopkins. By the way, how'd you know to find us
Lamont: I can explain that. When we pulled off to the side of the road to
figure things out, I called Aunt Esther and told her about the whole
situation. I told her to meet us here and to bring some cops with her.
Fred: You know, son, you're not a dummy after all!
(The officers drag the thieves off the floor and arrest them.)
Trent: (To Officer Hopkins) I believe you want this. (He gives the guitar
Hopkins: The guitar!
Trent: Safe and sound.
(A spokesman from the Hard Rock Cafe enters.)
Spokesman: Well, look! It's the guitar! Who found this.
Fred: I did!
Trent: And then he sold it to me. But then they found out what was going on and warned us.
Spokesman: Well, you guys should be proud of yourselves. We had a $100,000
reward for the safe return of that guitar. I guess I'll give half if it to
you (pointing to Fred) and half to you (pointing to Trent. He then takes out
a checkbook and writes two checks for $50,000. He then gives one each to
Fred and Trent.) I want to thank you for bringing that guitar back safe and
Fred: Look at that, son! Fifty thousand smackers!
Esther: And I know how you can put that to good use, heathen!
Fred: What do you mean?
Esther: Our church needs a new organ. It'll run at least $35,000!
Fred: You parasite! You just want me for my money!
Lamont: Pop, we'll still have $15,000 left.
Fred: It's not the money, it's the principle of the matter. Esther keeps
rubbing her religion in my face like that, and it just turns me off!
Esther: I'll remember to tell God that on Judgment Day!
Fred: OK, OK, you win. I'll give the $35,000 for the organ!
Esther: Praise the Lord! (She slaps her thigh for emphasis.)
Daria: And what are you going to do with your part of the reward, Trent?
Trent: It's still not too late to get a decent guitar with some of the
money. The rest I'll give to Janey so she can put it in her college fund.
Jane: Trent, I don't know if I'm going to college yet or not.
Trent: Or at least become a very equipped artist.
Jane: Now you're talking.
Daria: (Sarcastically) Spoken like a true starving artist!
Jane: Hey, it's a living!
Lamont: Guys, if there's anything we can do for you, just tell us?
Trent: How about attending our concert tonight?
Fred: Aren't we a bit old for that kind of music, son?
Lamont: Pop, we should accept their invitation.
Esther: Normally, I'd tell you not to do it because rock and roll is the
Devil's music, but to turn down their invitation would be very un-Christian.
Fred: Then again, we accept!
Hopkins: We'd better go now. We'll take these thieves downtown! (The
officers, thieves and spokesman leave.)
Daria: (To Fred) See you at the concert tonight!
Fred: Son, do we still have those old ear protectors around someplace?
(Lamont flashes a hostile look at him.)
Scene 2: The same. Later that evening.
(The concert is getting underway. Mystik Spiral opens up with
"Ice Box Woman". Daria, Jane, Fred and Lamont are in the crowd.)
Fred: Man, this is one noisy place!
Daria: What did you say, Mr. Sanford?
Fred: (Louder) I said, this is one noisy place!
Daria: Oh, yes it is!
Jane: Trent and the guys are really cooking it up tonight!
Fred: That reminds me! I haven't eaten anything for dinner! Is there a
greasy spoon someplace we can go after this is over?
Lamont: Pop, you're thinking of food at this time? I can't believe it!
Fred: Give me a break, son!
Scene 3: Los Angeles International Airport, near the gate for the flight
back to Lawndale. The next day.
(The opening bars of "Sabotage" from the Beastie Boys can be heard. Daria,
Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nicholas, Max, Fred and Lamont are gathered nearby.)
Daria: Well, it was nice meeting you guys.
Lamont: Sure. By the way, it was a nice concert you guys gave.
Trent: Hey, Jesse's cousin said we blew the roof off the place. He's
thinking of inviting us back soon. Good thing I found that new guitar at
that music store in Little Tokyo when I did.
Jesse: What's going to happen to those thieves, anyway?
Lamont: They've been extradited back to New York City. They're facing at
least ten years. Then, after that, they face murder charges for shooting
those guards back here.
Daria: Serves them right.
Lamont: Hey, next time you're here, stop by our place. The door's always
Daria: We will. Thanks.
LAX PA Announcer: United Flight 347 to Lawndale is now boarding.
Trent: We better go now. Keep the faith, guys! (He and the others wave at
Fred and Lamont as they head down the gate.)
Fred: You know, son, they say the youth of today is nothing' but slackers!
Those guys are living proof that they're not all slackers!
Lamont: Pop. sometimes you do come up with some wise observations!
Fred: And now, I'd better get back to the junk yard. I'm going to try and
push that genuine fake leather chair I've been meaning to sell!
(Lamont groans as they leave.)
Scene 4: The living room of the Morgendorffer residence.
(Jake, Helen and Quinn are watching TV. "Sick Sad World" is on. The reporter
is delivering a report of the recovery of the guitar.)
Reporter: The mysterious disappearance of a guitar that once belonged to
Kurt Cobain has been solved. It seems that the thieves who stole it went to
Los Angeles, where they fenced it at a salvage shop in the notorious Watts
area of the city. The proprietor of the shop, a Mr. Fred G. Sanford, then
sold it to a visiting rock band without realizing what it was. When Mr.
Sanford later found out his mistake, he and his son Lamont risked life and
limb to recover the guitar and return it to the Hard Rock Cafe. Mr. Sanford,
his son and the band that accidentally got the guitar are all being called
heroes by both the NYPD and the LAPD. When we return to "Sick Sad World", a
refried hippie teacher from Highland admits that he led the notorious Beavis
and Butt-Head astray into their life of crime!
Jake: That reminds me, isn't Daria supposed to be back soon?
Helen: Trent's mother was going to pick them up and drop her off here.
(The front door opens, and Daria enters with her luggage.)
Daria: Mom, Dad, Quinn, I'm home!
(They go up to her.)
Jake: Hi, Daria! How was your trip?
Daria: Well, Jane went skinny-dipping in the hotel pool, the concert was
really loud, and we got mixed up in the theft of the guitar those thieves
stole from the Hard Rock Cafe in New York City. All in all, it was a
Helen: Daria! Don't tell me that it was you and your friends who got mixed
up with those thieves?
Daria: It's a long story. However, Sanford and Son Salvage sends their
greetings. (She opens up her valise and takes out some gifts.) This is for
you, Mom. It's a plate to replace the one I accidentally broke when I was
nine. Dad, this is that putter you always wanted. And, Quinn, this is an
Helen: Why, thank you, Daria.
Jake: Way to go, Daria!
Quinn: Very funny, Daria!
Daria: By the way, Quinn, you're supposed to wear that corset to school
Quinn: And look like a freak? Over my dead body!
Daria: That could be arranged!
Scene 5: A hallway in Lawndale High School. The next day.
(Daria, Jane and Quinn are going down the hall. Quinn is dressed in her
corset, wearing an 1890's dress and hat and carrying a parasol. Sandi and
the other members of the Fashion Club walk by.)
Sandi: Like, Quinn, have you gone medieval on us or something?
Tiffany: Like, that is so retro it's unfashionable!
Stacy: I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit!
Sandi: Talk to us again when you look normal!
(They go down the hall.)
Quinn: Like, thanks a lot, Daria and Jane! You've just made me the laughing
stock of the whole school!
(Quinn suddenly bumps into Kevin and Brittany.)
Kevin: Hey, Quinn, I've heard of women who wear shoulder pads, but not like
the kind I wear!
Brittany: I bet she's trying to join the football team and steal you away
from me! Let's get out of here, Kevvie! (They leave.)
(Daria and Jane both laugh.)
Quinn: You two really think this is funny, don't you! I'm going to take
this off right now!
Daria: Do that and you'll be joining Elizabeth Sanford in the great beyond!
Quinn: What do you mean by that?
Daria: Oh, just something I picked up from a junk salesman I met in Los
Angeles this past weekend.
Quinn: Along with this iron maiden of a corset! I'm going to kill you,
Daria! And you too, Jane!
(She begins to run towards them. Daria and Jane run down the hall
themselves, still laughing.)
(The closing credits roll as "The Streetbeater" plays. Makeovers include
Mack as Lamont, Jodie as Esther, Daria as Joan Jett, Jane as Flo from "Alice",
Ms. Li as Wendy Richter, Brittany as Sailor Moon, Kevin as Tuxedo Mask,
Ms. Barch as Queen Beryl, Quinn as Gabrielle from "Xena: Warrior Princess"
and Mr. O'Neill as Mad Max. The "Daria" logo appears as the show fades to