A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story
(Part of the "Daria: The OAV's" series)
Peter W. Guerin
With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Jack Webb, Robert A.
Cinader, Harold Jack Bloom, Larry Gelbart, Mike Judge, Craig McCracken,
Trey Parker, Matt Stone, William Hanna, Joseph Barbera, Danny Bronstein,
Wally George and Matt Groening.
AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND NOTES
None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity within the "Daria: The OAV's" series, this story takes
place after "Karen Carpenter Blues" and completes the two-part story arc
begun in that story.
This story contains an intense scene of violence in one instance and some
frightening imagery in some other places. Reader discretion is advised.
All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of
Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Dragnet", "Adam-12" and "Emergency!" characters are
(c) 1949, 1951,
1952, 1967, 1968, 1972 Dragnet Productions/Adam-12 Productions/Emergency Productions/Mark
VII Limited/Universal City Studios; An MCA Company;
copyright renewed 1999 Universal Studios, a division of Joseph A.
Seagram's Co., Ltd./Studios USA Television, a division of USA Networks.
All Rights Reserved.
All "M*A*S*H" characters are (c) 1970, 1972, 1999 Twentieth Century-Fox Film
Corporation, A News Corporation Company. All Rights Reserved.
All "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are (c) 1993, 1999 MTV Networks, a
division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "King of the Hill" characters are (c) 1997, 1999 Twentieth Century-Fox
Film Corporation, A News Corporation Company. All Rights Reserved.
All "The Simpsons" characters are (c) 1987, 1990, 1999 Gracie Films/
Twentieth-Century Fox Film Corporation, a News Corporation Company. All
All "Powerpuff Girls" characters are (c) 1995, 1998, 1999 Hanna-Barbera
Productions, a Time Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved.
All "South Park" characters are (c) 1997, 1999 Branniff Productions/Comedy
Central. All Rights Reserved.
Blake Cartman and Spiral Taps were created by Danny Bronstein for his
"Daria"/"South Park" fan fic "One Band Town".
All "Josie and the Pussycats" characters are (c) 1970, 1999 Hanna-Barbera
Productions, a Time Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved.
"Hot Seat with Wally George" is a registered trademark of Wally George
"Lexus" is a registered trademark of Lexus Motors, USA, a division of
Toyota Motors, USA.
"Mark VII Limited" is a registered trademark of Universal Pictures, a
division of Joseph A. Seagram's Co., Ltd., successor in interest to Mark
"Willing to Wait": Words and music by Lou Barlow. (c) 1996 Loobiecore
Music, Inc. (BMI). All Rights Reserved. Appearing on Sebadoh's 1996
album "Harmacy" on Sub Pop CD's and cassettes.
A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT
Endnotes in this document appear as parenthetical citations; the
appropriately numbered endnote appears in the endnotes section of this
This story is respectfully dedicated to the late Jack Webb, creator of
"Dragnet", "Adam-12", and "Emergency!"
"This is the city, Los Angeles, California. I work here. I'm a cop."
--Spoken by Jack Webb during the opening montage sequences of Downtown LA
in every episode of the original Dragnet series (1952-1959)
RECAP FROM "KAREN CARPENTER BLUES"
(Before I begin the recap, let me just say there's a reason why I chose
Majel Barrett to do this instead of Daria like C. E. Forman did for
his/her recap segment in Quinntet. Majel Barrett just does a Hell of a
job doing this kind of thing, and I like the way she's been saying "And
now, the continuation" instead of "And now, the conclusion" when she ends
the recaps for the more recent season premieres of "Star Trek: Deep Space
Nine" and "Star Trek: Voyager". So, sit back, and enjoy the show!)
(The "Daria" logo is shown centered on a yellow backdrop  as we begin
Barrett: Last time, on "Daria". . .
(Show a clip from Act, 1, Scene 1, where Stacy throws up.)
(Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 2, where Daria is talking to Jane.)
Daria: Quinn's been telling me that Stacy's been acting rather unusual
Jane: How so?
Daria: She's been making a lot of trips to the bathroom.
(Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 3, where Stacy is on trial by the Fashion
Sandi: We are constituted as a court of inquiry in order to determine
whether or not Stacy Nibblet has committed actions that could be construed
as conduct unbecoming a member of this club.
Quinn: I'm begging for leniency for Stacy.
Sandi: What I need to do is to get another member in the Fashion Club;
someone who will help me get rid of Quinn and Stacy once and for all time.
(Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 4, where Daria and Jane are at the public
Jane: I think she may be doing her own rendition of the "vomitorium
sketch" from "Hysteria!"
Daria : Jane, sometimes you are so sick.
(Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 5, where Stacy binges at Burger World.)
(Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 7, where Amy is speaking to Pastor
Amy: Did I tell you about my boyfriend, the retired LAPD cop?
(Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 8, where Candy Kaine arrives at Lawndale
Other Cheerleader Girl: Candy Kaine has arrived here in Lawndale.
(Show a shot of Candy.)
(Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 12, where Daria walks in and sees Stacy
throwing up in the ladies' room.)
(Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 2, where Stacy is getting another bottle of
syrup of ipecac.)
(Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 6, where Daria and Jane meet Candy.)
Candy: All because I'm part of the Fashion Club doesn't mean I shouldn't
like those who aren't part of it.
(Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 7, where Sandi walks in on Stacy throwing
Sandi: (From behind Stacy.) So, Stacy, it is true then?
(Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 8, where Stacy is yelling at Daria and Jane
at the Village Green.)
Stacy: I DON'T HAVE BULIMIA! WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST
LEAVE ME ALONE! (She runs away, crying.)
(Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 9, where we first see retired Lieutenant
Airport Security Guard: You're with the LAPD?
Reed: Was. Retired five years ago.
(Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 12, where Stacy is talking to her old
Laura: Stacy, where did we go wrong?
Stacy: I guess I fell into a trap and I just felt so inferior.
(Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 4, where Reed meets the Morgendorffers and
Lanes. The Morgendorffers are quiet while Jane and Trent smirk.)
Daria: Never mind them; they act that way to strangers usually.
(Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 8, where Stacy and Laura confront Sandi.)
Stacy: You made me bulimic!
(Show a clip of Stacy and Sandi fighting, then cut to Stacy collapsing.)
Laura: Someone get a doctor! Her heart's stopped beating!
(Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 10, where Stacy is confronting Sandi from
her hospital bed.)
Sandi: When we get back to Lawndale, we're going to expel you from the
Stacy: Don't bother.
Stacy: (Gathering up every shred of courage she can muster.) Because I
resign, that's why!
(Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 11, with Sandi, Stacy and Jodie at Ms.
Li: I have no choice but to suspend the operations of the Fashion Club.
(Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 12, where Sandi confronts Daria, with Quinn
and Candy watching.)
Sandi: (To Daria.) You're going to regret this! I swear to God you
Candy: (To Quinn.) We're going to go to Jodie and tell her what we know
and start the process going on having Sandi removed as president of the
(Cut to a black screen.)
Barrett: And now, the continuation.
ACT I OF III, TERTIARY UNIT, UNIMATRIX 01
(We are Borg! We have assimilated this fan fic! Resistance is futile!)
("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play as we see Daria
at a movie theater; she's not laughing when the rest of the audience is.
At gym class, Daria lets the volleyball get past her, causing Stacy and
Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. In the hallway, Kevin and Brittany
are blocking Daria's locker. Daria gets out a whistle and blows on it,
causing Kevin to think it's time for practice. He and Brittany clear out,
and Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one
who's not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get
past here again, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her
again. At a wedding, the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan left
to show Helen, Quinn and Jake crying, while Daria calmly picks up a
newspaper with the heading "MAYOR INDICTED" on the front cover. Finally,
at gym class again, Stacy and Tiffany collide as they try to get the
volleyball, and collapse onto the floor unconscious as Daria lets the
volleyball get past her again. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then
zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo, below which is the caption
Scene 1: Los Angeles, 1950. A caption with the time and setting can be
seen in white lettering on a black background in the usual Daria script.
(The scene starts with a shot of Sgt. Joe Friday's Badge 714 as Walter
Schumann's "Dragnet Theme" can be heard in the background.)
George Fenneman (2): Ladies and gentlemen, the story you're about to see
is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
(The horns kick into that dramatic flourish that happened after the
opening disclaimer in the original series as we fade into a shot of Los
Angeles as it looked in 1950. The music changes to the opening guitar
riffs from "Birth, School, Work, Death" by The Godfathers. We zoom in on
the sidewalk, where we see a boy, about eight years old, wearing a soft
cap, collared shirt, suspenders and knee-high pants walking down the
street. Suddenly, some older kids surround him.)
Older Kid # 1: Hey, you! You need to give us a quarter if you want to go
down the street without us roughing you up!
Boy: Leave me alone! I don't want any trouble from you!
Older Kid # 1: If we have to, we'll beat it out of you! Either way,
you're gonna pay, you pip-squeak!
Boy: I gotta go to the CYO now!
Older Kid # 2: HA HA! The kid goes to see that loser Father Martin!
What a loser!
Boy: Father Martin's not a loser! He's a nice person!
Older Kid # 3: I say we beat him up!
Older Kid # 1: Yeah!
(They now gang up on the boy and beat him up. We now see Sgt. Joe Friday
and Officer Frank Smith heading in the opposite direction. They see
what's going on, and run toward the fracas. They pull the kids from the
boy. When they begin to try and hit Friday and Smith, they fight back.
Soon enough, the hoodlums are left sprawling on the sidewalk as two
uniformed officers arrive. They haul the hoodlums up and arrest them.
Friday now goes to the kid.)
Friday: Hey, son, what's your name?
Boy: Jimmy. Jimmy Reed.
Friday: I'm Sgt. Friday; that's my partner Officer Smith. Have those
kids been harassing you a lot?
Jimmy: They sure have. They make me feel worthless. I don't know if I'm
Friday: Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't any good. If you
believe in yourself and if you think you can do it, that's what should
matter to you, not what anyone else says.
Jimmy: You know, when I grow up, I wanna be a cop like you.
Smith: Tell you what, Jimmy. You continue going to school, and when you
graduate from high school, consider enrolling in the Academy. We could
use someone like you.
Jimmy: Gee, thanks!
Friday: We'd better walk you to where you're going. Where were you
headed for anyway?
Jimmy: The CYO.
Smith: It's on our way, Joe. I just hope Fay won't get upset if I'm a
bit late today.
Friday: Come, on Jimmy, we'll take you to the CYO.
(They now proceed to go.)
Scene 2: The Zen, Dega Street, Lawndale, 8:00 PM Saturday. Caption:
"Lawndale, the Present."
(Mystik Spiral is backstage. We see the regular members, including lead
singer and lead guitarist Trent Lane, rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno,
bassist Nicholas Campbell, and drummer Max Tyler. With them are Danny
Moreno, Jesse's brother, with a guitar, Daria Morgendorffer with a
harmonica, and Jane Lane, who's putting the finishing touches on a new
Mystik Spiral banner.)
Trent: Hey, Daria, are you nervous?
Daria: I guess a little bit, maybe.
Trent: Janey says you play a mean harmonica. (3) You should do well in
our first song.
Jesse: Ready for your first gig as a member of Mystik Spiral there,
Jane: (Finishing up.) There. It's all set. Let me just hang this up,
then let's rock! (She takes the banner with her.)
Trent: Let's rock. (They now approach the stage. Daria gets this "Oh,
geeze!" look on her face as she sees how large the crowd is.) Hi,
everyone. We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing our name.
I'm your lead singer and guitarist Trent Lane. Jesse Moreno's your rhythm
guitarist. His brother Danny Moreno will be joining us as our third
guitarist. Your bassist is Nicholas Campbell, and Max Tyler is on drums.
Also with us tonight is a very special friend of my sister Janey, as well
as my girlfriend, Daria Morgendorffer, who will be playing harmonica.
(Daria blushes.) So, let's get down to business, shall we? Our first
song is going out to a friend of mine who lives in Peoria, Illinois:
C. E. Forman. When we were doing that Midwestern tour last year, C. E.
helped us when we got a flat tire on the "Tank", and C. E. helped us
change it. This is for you, C. E. This is "The String on My Guitar
(The guitars rev up.)
Trent: Here I am, writing this song!/Here I am, strumming along!/I'm
trying to get this song done,/I'm trying to get a groove on,/But, then,
(Monster guitar riffs.)
Trent and Jesse: THE STRING ON MY GUITAR BROKE!/THE
STRING ON MY GUITAR BROKE!/THE STRING ON MY GUITAR
BROKE!/THE STRING ON MY GUITAR BROKE!
(Trent cues Daria, who then breaks into the grungiest-sounding harmonica
riff ever played. The crowd goes crazy as they form a mosh pit. Jane
stage dives and is body surfed. She lets out a Jenny McCarthy-like
"WHOO!" Someone tries to grab Daria by the part of her right leg just
above the hem of her boot and below her knee; she stomps on his hand.)
Guy: Man, I think I'm in love!
(Daria continues her harmonica riff. As we pull away from the stage, we
notice [surprise!], Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor here. Brittany's
dressed in the same way she was in the "Ill" episode, except she's decided
to don a wig instead of dying her hair black, while Kevin kind of looks
like Alice Cooper.)
Kevin: Hey, babe, when did Daria do this grunge music thing?
Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, I don't know, Kevvy. This is
news to me. Just make sure when we get back home, we give back each
other's underwear. (5) Ashley-Amber got alarmed when she accidentally
washed your jock strap last time. Besides, this place is a lot cooler
with you here, babe!
Kevin: Glad to be of service, babe!
(The guy who tried to grab Daria's leg is at it again, and Daria's hauled
off the stage and body surfed. Fast cut to later on, backstage. Daria's
a bit bruised, and her hair is a mess, but she's otherwise OK. Trent
Trent: Hey, Daria, that was awesome! You are one mean harmonica player.
Daria: I didn't like the body surfing part, though. (Moans a little as
she rubs her back.) I'm going to have to get the old mineral ice for
Jane: I just hope Jake and Helen don't go ballistic when they find out
that their "kiddo" went body surfing.
Daria: I'd be grounded for a month if they heard that.
Trent: Daria, you're approaching your seventeenth birthday. Isn't it
about time you stopped worrying about what your parents are going to do to
Jane: Trent's right; in a couple of years, you'll either be at college or
working, and then they won't be able to push you around as much.
Trent: You know, Daria, I just thought of something.
Daria: What, Trent?
Trent: Why not decide to move in with Amy? You and her are very much
Daria: But that would mean moving to Los Angeles. (6)
Jane: Hey, it's not so bad.
Daria: It's smoggy; it's full of kooks, and I'd miss you guys.
Jane: OK, OK, other than the smog and us not being there, it's pretty
much like Lawndale. One out of three isn't that bad in this case.
Daria: Thanks, but no thanks. Lawndale may be Hell, but at least it's
my Hell. (7)
Jane: Anyway, anyone heard of when Sandi's supposed to have her hearing
with the Student Government Cabinet in regard to her possible removal as
Fashion Club President?
Daria: Well, when Quinn said they approached Jodie about it earlier this
week, and she informed Sandi, there was a lot of yelling and cursing on
Sandi's part. It's going to be Monday.
Trent: From what I heard, that Candy Kaine girl who just joined is
leading the case for her removal.
Jesse: Man, Sandi's been asking for it for a long time. She's been such
a bitch since elementary school.
Daria: And how do you know that?
Jesse: Danny knew her then. She wasn't always like this.
Danny: She was rather ugly back then. Wore glasses, dressed rather
plainly, always got picked on.
Jane: Remind you of anyone, Daria?
(Daria just nods.)
Danny: One day, that all changed. She became this take-charge bitch
who's been making everyone's life Hell ever since.
Daria: I meant to ask; why don't I see you at school?
Danny: Well, Dad's a mechanic; he makes a good living at it. He set
aside enough money for me to go to a magnet school. I'm doing OK there.
Trent: I guess you've heard of Moreno Auto Repairs, haven't you, Daria?
Daria: I've seen them in the Yellow Pages; in fact, I think Dad used
them to fix his Lexus(tm) when the two of you crashed into a tree during
the hurricane. (8)
Trent: Harvey Moreno owns it; he's Jesse and Danny's dad. He used to be
a hot-shot driver on the NASCAR circuit. He retired ten years ago.
Danny: Anyway, ever since that day Sandi changed, everyone in school's
been scared shitless about her. I don't know what exactly got into her,
or why she sounds so deep.
Jane: There's the ever-present rumor that she was born with a pair of
Trent: Let's not go there, Janey.
Daria: Well, that could explain a lot of things, though. (Smirks that
Mona Lisa smile.)
(Jane, Trent, Jesse, Danny, Nicholas and Max snicker sinisterly over that
Jane: What do you think will happen if they actually remove Sandi as
Fashion Club President?
Daria: I hope for everyone's sake she doesn't decided to blow up.
Trent: (To himself.) Daria, you seem so sure of yourself, but why do I
fear for you now? Why do I fear that something's going to happen to you?
Please, God, tell me that I'm wrong on this. Tell me that Daria isn't
going to get herself killed over this!
Scene 3: Sandi's room at the Griffin residence, 9:45 PM Saturday.
Background music: The opening synthesizer and guitar riffs from "Blue
Monday" by Orgy.
(Sandi is seen writing up a defense for her upcoming hearing. She gets
frustrated, and rips the paper she was writing on up.)
Sandi: I've been doing this for a week now, and I just can't seem to be
able to write a credible defense! I think this is going to become a
kangaroo court! It's all Daria and Quinn's fault! Those fucking bitches
have had the fix in on me since they arrived here! I don't want to become
unpopular again! I won't let it happen! (Bangs her fist on the table.)
I won't! I won't! I WON'T!!!!!!!!! Daria and Quinn are gonna get
theirs, I swear to God!
(Misty dissolve to indicate a flashback. It's the playground of Lawndale
Elementary School, circa 1988. Sandi is seen rather differently. She's
got a short haircut, wears glasses and is wearing a white T-shirt and pink
overalls. Some girls gang up on her.)
Girl # 1: HA HA! Look at Sandi the Geek! Four eyes and all!
Girl # 2: Where did you get your clothes from, the Salvation Army Thrift
Young Sandi: Leave me alone! I just want to be left alone!
Girl # 3: Oh, we'll leave you alone all right, after we beat the shit out
(They now gang up on them and beat Sandi up. They're all shouting "You're
a nobody, Sandi!" Fast cut to the Griffin house, where we see Sandi run
inside. A preschool version of Sam and Chris can be seem, beating each
other up then as now. Linda sees her and goes to her.)
Linda: Sandi, what happened to you?
Young Sandi: They beat me up again, Mommy! (She cries.)
Linda: AWWWW! Mommy knows how to make you feel better! I'll get you
some milk and cookies, OK? Then Mommy's got to go over some marketing
proposals for the TV station.
Young Sandi: Sure. (She sits down on a couch. She sees an issue of
"Waif" magazine and begins to read it.) You know, if I was fashionable
like those girls, I could become popular and no one would dare pick on me.
I'll ask Mommy if I can get my own subscription to this magazine.
(Fast cuts to shots of Sandi's throwing out clothes, putting on contact
lenses, doing her hair, putting on makeup, etc. Show a cut of the
transformed Sandi. misty dissolve back to the present.)
Sandi: No, I won't go back to being a "nobody". I won't! I'll crush
everyone who stands in my way! and I mean EVERYONE! (She takes a dart on
her desk and flings it at a picture of Daria; it lands right between the
Scene 4: The living room of the Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive,
Lawndale, 7:30 PM Sunday. Background music: The opening bars of "One
Hit Wonder" by Everclear.
(It's "Bad Movie Night" once again; we see Daria and Jane watching the
famous scene in "The Shining"  where Jack Nicholson chops down the
bathroom door in order to get at Shelly Duval, then shrieks out
"HEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNNNNNNY!" )
Daria: Why waste your time doing that when you could be courtside at the
Great Western Forum admiring those Laker Girls?
Jane: I don't know about that; he probably feels upstaged since they
signed Dennis Rodman up.
Daria: That would be a concept.
Jane: What would?
Daria: If Jack Nicholson head-butted Rodman and kicked him in the groin
instead of the other way around. (Jane smirks evilly over that.) Anyway,
Amy told me that she and Jim might sneak out tomorrow night and get
Jane: Really? (Smirking evilly again.)
Daria: She told me she made arrangements with Judge Feeder (12)
Jane: That was the judge that heard the case of when Trent and Brad
Schlitz fought when the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association were protesting my
nude painting of you at COMMA, wasn't she?
Daria: The same.
Jane: Well, let me extend my congratulations to the lucky couple.
Daria: They want to keep it a secret until the time is right.
Jane: Yeah, I can understand; Jake and Helen would freak if they found
Daria: Jane, somehow I have an awful feeling about what's going to
happen tomorrow during that hearing.
Jane: Like what?
Daria: That Sandi won't take it lying down and she might vent her anger
on me, that's what.
Jane: So, maybe it's time you learned judo or something.
(Daria is just sitting there, thinking. Misty dissolve back to Highland,
about 1989 or so. Daria is at a playground, minding her own business,
reading a book. Quinn is in a sandbox while we see Beavis and Butt-Head
are snickering nearby. We now see a car pull up. Todd, the criminal
Beavis and Butt-Head hang out with, approaches the bench Daria is sitting
Todd: Hey, little girl, want to go with me for a ride?
Young Daria: My parents told me never to accept rides from strangers.
Todd: I won't hurt you, honey! Let's go! (He grabs Daria.)
Young Daria: Hey! Let me go!
(Beavis and Butt-Head see it.)
Young Beavis: Cool! Todd's taking Diarrhea for a ride!
Young Butt-Head: Cool! Todd kicks ass!
(Daria screams as Todd takes her into her car; Quinn now sees it and
Young Quinn: Daria! Come back! DARIA! (She runs off to find Jake and
(Cut to a dark closet. It's so dark we can only see Daria's eyes. We now
see the door of the closet open, and Todd grabs her.)
Young Daria: No! Please! I don't want to do this!
(We see a lecherous leer on Todd as we see him grab Daria's shirt and
yanks it off. Sudden cut to the present, where we see Daria gasp.)
Daria: No! Leave me alone, Todd! Leave me alone! (13)
Jane: (Jumping up and running to Daria.) Daria! Are you OK?
Daria: (Catching her breath, trembling.) I--I--I had a flashback of when
Todd sexually assaulted me back at Highland. Jane, I just know something
is going to happen tomorrow. I just know it.
(We see Trent come down the stairs; he probably overheard what happened.)
Trent: Hey, Janey, Daria, is everything OK?
Daria: Yes, Trent. (Pauses.) No, nothing is all right.
(Trent now goes up to her.)
Trent: Daria, I overheard what happened. You had a flashback about Todd,
Daria: Yes, I did.
Trent: Daria, I'm getting worried about you. I know you're smart and
cynical and you don't show your emotions a lot, but you can't keep them
bottled up forever, you know. (14) Did you ever hear of the case of the
Trekkie who wanted to become Mr. Spock? (15)
Daria: No, I don't think I have.
Trent: He became so much like him he couldn't revert to his own identity.
When a crisis came up and he couldn't handle it as Spock, he killed
Jane: That is so sad.
Trent: Anyway, Daria, you can't keep your emotions bottled up forever
like you do. You're going to have to release them in some manner.
Daria: Trent, it's part of my identity, like my glasses. Remember when
Mom persuaded me to wear contact lenses for a while, and I just didn't
feel the same, like a piece of me was taken away from me? (16)
Daria: It's the same thing with my emotions. It's not a question of
vanity; it's about my self-identity.
Jane: Kind of like how Canadians question their own national identity, I
Trent: Daria, one of these days, something's going to happen, and you're
going to need someone to help you when you get emotionally overwhelmed.
Think about what I said. It may happen to you sooner than you think.
I've got to go now; band practice. Danny thinks he can master a
two-headed guitar sound.
Daria: Don't you usually play just one set of strings on those?
Trent: He thinks he can play both at the same time. It might
revolutionize rock as we know it. I don't know why he thought we weren't
going to let him on the band. He was sure Jesse and Max would let him in,
but he wasn't so sure about me.(17) I just felt the time was right. Even
Nicholas was willing to give him a chance. Also, think about becoming our
harmonicist full-time, Daria. That would be very exciting.
Daria: Wouldn't that be the equivalent of Yoko Ono joining the
Trent: Nah. More like Bob Dylan joining the Traveling Willburys. Got to
go now. Bye. (He leaves.)
Jane: Hey, maybe it could work. Rumor has it this old band's regrouping
and they're going to have a concert here in Lawndale. They're shopping
for an opening act, and word has it that Warner Bros. is sending some A&R
people over here as well. (19)
Daria: What band is that?
Jane: I'm not sure, but word on the street is that they're going to
change their name to something else, like Mystik Spiral is planning on
doing themselves. I've heard everything from "The Cat People" to "Feline
Fury". Also, they're planning on wearing grungy clothes now instead of
Daria: Kind of sounds like when KISS ditched the make-up.
Jane: I went out on a date with Jesse the other night, and he told me
that they're going for a Goth/industrial sound now. It will be
interesting seeing what happens.
Daria: Right now, I just want to survive the next day or two, then worry
about the future after that.
(They now go back to the film, just in time to see Nicholson's frozen-over
body at the end of "The Shining".)
Scene 5: The Large Group Instruction Room at Lawndale High School,
3:15 PM Monday. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "My Own
Prison" by Creed.
(A table is set up at the floor area in front of the seats. The Lawndale
High Student Government Cabinet is seated at the table, with
Vice-President Jodie Landon sitting in the middle. A little distance from
that are two other tables. Quinn and Candy Kaine are at one while Sandi
is at another. A huge crowd is here. Jodie now bangs the gavel.)
Jodie: In absence of the President, I call this meeting of the Cabinet to
order. This Cabinet is meeting as a court of inquiry in regard to charges
made against Fashion Club President Sandi Griffin which--if true--could
result in her removal as club president. Will the Recording Secretary
please read the charges.
(The Student Government Recording Secretary--a girl with light brown hair,
blue eyes, and wearing a white blouse and jeans--stands up.)
Recording Secretary: Sandra Elaine Griffin, (20) you are hereby charged
with conduct unbecoming a member of a school club. The specifications are
as follows: (1) In that you showed a willful disregard for the well-being
of Stacy Lorraine Nibblet, (21) a member of your organization, by
ignoring her continued struggles with bulimia; (2) In that at the recent
Tri-Counties Fashion Clubs Showdown, you got into a fight with Ms.
Nibblet as well as Quinn Louise Morgendorffer, the club's Vice-President;
(3) In that--according to the testimony of several witnesses--you have
shown a continued disregard for the welfare of the members of your club;
(4) In that--once again, according to testimony--your mental condition has
been called into question due to your continued obsession over the recent
actions of Daria Marie Morgendorffer; the biological sister of Quinn
Morgendorffer; (Some gasps come from the audience; it seems not everyone
knew the truth about those two and still bought it that Daria was Quinn's
cousin.) (5) In that you displayed an arrogant abuse of power during your
tenure as President of the Fashion Club, coupled with an extreme paranoia
over what your own Vice-President was planning to do; and (6) In that you
have refused to have the Fashion Club adopt an "Anti-Eating Disorders
Amendment" to its bylaws and have refused to hold an eating disorders
seminar annually as required by Title 6, Article 3, § 5, ¶ 2 of the State
Education Law. Ms. Griffin, how do you plead, first to each specification
in order, then to the charge.
Sandi: (Calmly, with a sinister sneer in her voice.) Not guilty on all
(A murmur runs through the crowd. Jodie bangs the gavel.)
Jodie: We will start with opening arguments by the managers for the
Fashion Club, Quinn Morgendorffer and Lana Ann Slobonski, alias Candy
Quinn: (With a puzzled look on her face as she speaks to Candy.) That's
your real name?
Candy: My agent coined my stage name. I know it's not the greatest name
in the world, but I think he said he was inspired by how sweet the name
sounded and due to the fact he was visiting some West Virginian kid's Web
site all the time. (22)
Quinn: What nationality are you then?
Candy: Part Polish from my dad, and part German from my mother.
Quinn: Man, that is different.
(Time passes. Fast cuts of Quinn and Candy delivering opening statements
for five minutes, followed by Sandi's five-minute defense. Candy is
showing evidence of empty bottles of syrup of ipecac. We now see Stacy
testify. Sandi is seen speaking in her own defense. From the looks on
her face, she is angrily denying everything. The clock now shows 5:45 PM.
The table where the Cabinet was sitting is empty. It is apparent that
they are now deliberating a verdict. They now re-enter the room. Jodie
bangs the gavel.)
Jodie: Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached a verdict. Will both
parties rise. (Sandi, Quinn and Candy do so. The Recording Secretary
hands a piece of paper to Jodie.) Sandra Elaine Griffin, we, the Student
Government Cabinet, convened as a court of inquiry, have found you
"Guilty" on all six specifications of the charge. Therefore, the charge
has been proved, and you have been found "Guilty" of the charge of conduct
unbecoming a member of a school club. In accordance with our own bylaws,
you are hereby removed as President of the Fashion Club, and Quinn
Morgendorffer, by virtue of being Vice-President, shall be Acting
President until such time as they shall hold an election to fill the
office of President.
(Sandi lets out an unholy yell and lunges for Quinn, tackling her to the
floor and beating her up.)
Sandi: YOU BITCH! YOU NO GOOD, FUCKING BITCH! I'LL
KILL YOU! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
(Candy and Jodie have to haul her off Quinn, they drag her away. Quinn
stands up, trying to catch her breath. She's got a black eye and several
bruises for her troubles.)
Scene 6: The office of Angela Li, Principal, Lawndale High School,
5:50 PM Monday.
(Sandi is seated across the floor from Ms. Li. Tom and Linda are here as
Li: Ms. Griffin, what you have been doing in the past few weeks has been
atrocious, but this really takes the cake. What has gotten into you?
Sandi: Daria and Quinn are out to get me, that's what!
Li: I do not have any evidence to back the claim that the Morgendorffer
Sisters are out to get you. Ms. Griffin, you leave me no choice but to
suspend you for a week.
(Sandi loses it even more now, gets up and broadsides Ms. Li, who falls to
Sandi: Take that, you dictatorial bitch! (She spits on her.)
Li: Never mind suspension, Ms. Griffin! Now you've pushed me too far!
As of now, you are hereby expelled! (Tom grabs Sandi and smacks her
across the face. He has to drag her out of the room. Ms. Li slowly gets
up.) At least Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane don't give me even half as
much trouble as Ms. Griffin does.
(Fast cut to the hallway. Tom and Linda are at either side of Sandi.
Suddenly, she bolts from the both of them.)
Linda: SANDI, YOU GET BACK HERE, NOW!
(Sandi disappears into the gym. She ducks into the equipment room. She
finds a baseball bat there, and gets it.)
Sandi: It's been a long fucking time coming, Daria, but now you're gonna
pay for all the times you beat me up! (23) You hear me? You're gonna die
(She leaves the gym in a hurry.)
Scene 7: The Morgendorffer's living room, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale,
7:00 PM Monday. Background music: The opening acoustic guitar riffs
from "Who's Behind the Door?" by Zebra.
(Quinn is fussing while Helen puts some iodine on a cut on her forehead.
Daria is watching "Sick, Sad World" while Jake slips on a coat.)
Helen: Quinn, I can't believe Sandi did this to you.
Quinn: But you should see the other guy, Mom!
Helen: Well, maybe going with us to a play will help calm you down. It's
the Lawndale Community Theater's production of "Death of a Salesman". I
think Rev. Nathan Armistead is playing the role of Willie Loman. (24)
Daria, do you want to go with us?
Daria: No thanks; I don't want to miss this segment coming up about the
Doc Martens-worshipping cult.
Helen: Suit yourself, Daria. Hopefully, Aunt Amy and Jim Reed will be
back soon from dinner. Jake, are you all set?
Jake: Ready, dear.
Daria: Have a nice time, guys.
Helen: We will, dear. Bye!
Jake: Bye, kiddo! (He kisses her on the cheek, causing Daria to blush.)
Quinn: See you later, Daria. (They now leave.)
Daria: Hopefully, it will be peaceful.
(Fast cut to the exterior, where we see Jake's Lexus(tm) pull away. Pan to
the bushes, where we see Sandi emerge.)
Sandi: The time of reckoning is now at hand, Daria!
Scene 8: Lawndale Municipal Courthouse, 7:30 PM Monday.
(We're at Judge Kathy Feeder's chambers here. Judge Feeder is wearing her
robes. Amy is wearing a dress similar to the one she wore in "I Don't"
while Reed is wearing a business suit. The court secretary is here as a
Judge Feeder: Well, I guess it would be pointless for me to say "Ladies
and Gentlemen", so let's get down to business. We are gathered here
today to witness the marriage of Amy Marie Barksdale and James Allen Reed.
Both parties have asked that I dispense with the usual spiel and let them
give their own vows. (She nods to Amy.)
Amy: Jim, when I first met you, you seemed so pained, so distant. I know
that life gave you a raw deal, but now I want to make you happy again.
Let us live the rest of our lives together; let us find happiness and
peace; let us face the problems life throws in our way together.
Reed: Amy, when my first wife died, (25) it left a great void in my life.
Meeting you has filled that void. I fell in love with you for you wit,
your kindness, your determination never to let life's injustices get the
better of you. I want to spend the rest of my days with you, now and
Judge Feeder: (To the court secretary.) Will you kindly give the rings
to the couple, please?
(She does so. Amy takes one ring and slips it on Reed's finger.)
Amy: Let this be a symbol of my undying devotion to you, my love.
(Reed slips the other on Amy's finger.)
Reed: May this ring of mine be my symbol of my own devotion to you, my
Judge Feeder: On that note, by the powers invested in me by this state,
I now hereby pronounce you as husband and wife. (Amy embraces Reed as
they kiss.) Well, you just saved me a step there. Good luck to the two
of you. And, Amy?
Judge Feeder: Say "Hi" to your niece Daria for me, will you?
(The happy couple now leave.)
Judge Feeder: Why can't there be more people like them? Is this whole
town full of airheads?
Scene 9: The Morgendorffer's living room, 7:45 PM Monday.
(Daria is watching TV, minding her own business. We now hear the doorbell
ringing. Daria gets up and answers the door. She opens it and we see
Sandi there, with her hands behind her back.)
Daria: Sandi, what do you want?
Sandi: It's all over, Daria. It's all over for me. They kicked me out
of the Fashion Club and out of school, and it's all your fucking fault,
Daria: Sandi, you brought this all upon yourself. I didn't have anything
to do with it.
Sandi: No, you did, and don't deny it! When I'm done with you, you're
going to wish your mother never told the truth to me that you're Quinn's
Daria: (Now noticing that Sandi's hands are behind her back.) What do
you have behind your back?
Sandi: (In the loudest voice possible.) YOUR DOOM! (She now swings the
bat from behind her, just missing Daria. "Just Give It To Me", the song
that was playing when Vega was trashing Chun Li in the "Street Fighter II"
anime movie, now starts, and plays to the end of Act I. Time the action
so that the whole song plays through.)
(Sandi lets out a primal scream as she lunges at Daria with the bat.
Daria runs, and heads for the stairs, with Sandi in pursuit. Daria gets
to her room, and locks the door. Sandi runs up to it and begins to kick
Sandi: YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME,
YOU FUCKING BITCH! (She now kicks the door down. She takes a swing at
Daria, but misses again. Daria drags down the dresser on top of Sandi.
Sandi recovers and kicks the heart and cheese models away, taking a swing
at Daria again. This time, she knocks her glasses off. Cut to a fuzzy
perspective of Sandi from Daria's point of view.) What's the matter?
Can't see without your glasses? Maybe you should have stuck with the
contact lenses like your mother wanted you to!
Daria: I don't need those in order to fight!
Sandi: Good, then! (She finds them and steps on them. We hear the sound
of breaking glass and plastic. She now screams as she takes another swing
with the bat, this time hitting Daria across the head. Daria kicks her
now in the solar plexus with one of her Doc Martens boots. Daria now
flees to the living room again, with Sandi in pursuit. Daria gets a knife
from the kitchen.)
Daria: End this madness now, Sandi, or, so help me, God, I'll use this
knife on you!
(Sandi takes the bat and hits it across Daria's hand, causing her to drop
the knife. Daria now gets a lid for a pot and tries to use it as a shield. Sandi
batters away at it, until it breaks from the handle. Daria now tries to
run, but Sandi's blocked her way.)
Sandi: It's all over now, Daria! Game, set and match! (Sandi now
lunges at Daria again. Daria tries to dodge her, but now Sandi's clubbing
her real good. Shots of Sandi swinging the bat, and the impacts on
various parts of Daria's body. Daria now kicks Sandi in the face, and she
takes a wild swing, breaking the glass of the door of the microwave oven.
Daria now flees to the living room again, with Sandi in pursuit. Daria,
however, in her haste, trips, and now Sandi closes in on her, beating her
senseless with the bat. Mustering the last ounces of her strength,
however, Daria kicks the bat out of Sandi's hand and tries to go to the
stairs. Sandi, however, beats her to the top, and when Daria gets there,
she smacks her across the face with the bat. Slow-motion shot of Daria
falling to the bottom of the stairs, with a sickening "THUD!" at impact.
Sandi now lets out another primal scream as she runs down the stairs. She
now beats Daria up to more or less a bloody pulp until the bat breaks in
half. She picks up the pieces of the bat.) I hope you burn in Hell, you
ugly bitch! (She spits on her and leaves. We can hear the door slam and
her footsteps fading. Daria is motionless, but then she seems to stir a
Daria: (Hoarsely.) Trent,--Trent--my--love,--where--are--you?
(We now hear another car pull up. We hear footsteps and voices from the
other side of the door.)
Reed: Well, how does it feel to be Mrs. Amy Reed now?
Amy: Fabulous! (She now opens the door.) Daria, we're home! We got--
(She sees Daria on the floor.) Oh, my God! Daria! (She kneels at her
side.) Daria, what happened?
Daria: (Hoarsely.) Sandi--did--it. Where's--Trent?--I--need--him.
(She loses consciousness.)
Amy: Jim, call 911! Daria's lost consciousness! She's bleeding very
Reed: I'm doing that right now! (He dials the phone.) Yes, we have a
female Caucasian, age 16, approximately 5-2, brown hair, blue eyes,
slight build. Looks like she was severely beaten. (Pauses.) Of course,
I want an ambulance here, dammit! It's 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, and hurry!
Amy: Hang on, Daria! We're getting help for you!
("Just Give It To Me" begins to fade as we see a widescreen shot of the
scene where Sandi is lunging at Quinn in a purple tint and in slow-motion
with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1
Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", MTV's new bad boy of
comedy, Tom Green, takes on the Master of His Domain himself, Jerry
(Show a scene of Green and Seinfeld fighting.)
Green: Take that! (He picks up a cow, aims its udder at Seinfeld,
squeezes two of its teats, and soaks Seinfeld.)
Seinfeld: Oh, yeah? (He makes a waving motion to someone off the stage.
Suddenly, the Soup Nazi appears.)
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU! (He beans Green with a ladle.)
Mills Lane: Outside interference! Outside interference!
Announcer: Also, President Clinton takes on Kenneth Starr!
(Show a scene of Clinton and Starr fighting.)
Clinton: Ah am not a philanderer! (He broadsides Starr.)
Starr: Keep this up and I'll impeach you again! (He kicks Clinton in
Announcer: And, finally, in a sneak preview of our Beavis and Butt-Head
vs. Daria and Jane match-up in the Dome of Doom, it's Hank Hill versus Tom
(Show a scene of Hank and Anderson fighting.)
Anderson: You stole mah accent from me like candy from a baby!
Hank: You're full of hot air, you know that? (He goes to a nearby
propane tank, opens it, and lights the gas coming out of the hose. He
roasts Anderson good.)
Announcer: That's all coming up on the next "Celebrity Deathmatch"!
Thursday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on MTV!
(Another commercial. We see someone like Jim from Taxi driving a cab.
Some passengers are in the back.)
Passenger # 1: Man, my long distance phone bills are ridiculous!
Jim: Maybe you should be using 10-10-220 instead!
Passenger # 2: Does 10-10-220 save you more compared to Sprint and AT&T?
Jim: Yeah, lots. In fact, you're only charged 99¢ for the first twenty
minutes, then 10¢ a minute after that!
Passenger # 1: Man, I missed lunch! Does anyone have anything to eat
Jim: You can have some of my cookies! (He gives some to the passengers.
They eat them up.)
Passenger # 2: Hey, these cookies are great! What's in them?
Jim: Glitter-berries! (Suddenly, the passengers' eyes widen, and they
freak out like Jake, Helen and Quinn did when they ate the glitter-berries
in "The Teachings of Don Jake". Jim takes a bite himself.) Boy, these
cookies have a nice little surprise in them!
Announcer: 10-10-220! Save more compared to Sprint and AT&T! And we're
not addictive like glitter-berries are!
SHUTTLECRAFT GALILEO ACT II
(Dammit, Jim! These caption jokes are wearing thin!)
Scene 1: Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, the emergency room, 8:00 PM
Monday. Background music: The opening guitar instrumental from "One" by
Metallica plays throughout this scene.
(Open with a shot of the exterior. An ambulance pulls up to the doors of
the ER. The ambulance opens, and we see a gurney taken out of it. We
recognize the body in the gurney as the battered body of Daria. A doctor
approaches. At first, we only see him from the back. However, when he
speaks, he sounds familiar.)
Doctor: Man, that kid's busted up. Never though I'd see anyone this bad
since I came home from the war.
EMS Technician: She's pretty critical, Doctor.
(We now see the doctor for the first time. He's lost some hair over the
years, and he's now gray-haired, but it's clearly Dr. Benjamin Franklin
"Hawkeye" Pierce from "M*A*S*H".)
Hawkeye: Who the Hell did this to her?
(We see Reed and Amy--who have ridden along with Daria--step out.)
Reed: We don't know, but from what the victim said it was someone named
Amy: You've got to take care of her! She's the only member of my family
I really like!
Hawkeye: And I thought I saw it all at the 4077th! Get her to the
operating table stat!
(Daria's wheeled away. Reed approaches Hawkeye.)
Reed: From what my wife told me, Sandi Griffin's had it in for Daria
Morgendorffer for a long time.
Hawkeye: Daria, that's the victim's name?
Hawkeye: What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Too bad someone
decided to smash her face in.
Reed: We think it was a baseball bat, but we're not sure.
Hawkeye: Man, I wish Trapper was here. He'd know what to do with
something like this! (26)
Hawkeye: Uh, nothing.
(Hawkeye now thinks back to when he was back at M*A*S*H 4077 in Ouijonbu,
Korea, circa 1951. We see him and "Trapper" John McIntyre operating on a
Trapper: We've lost the pulse!
Hawkeye: Dammit! (He tries to massage the heart, but to no avail.)
Dammit, kid, don't die on me! You hear me, don't die on me! (It's
fruitless. Margaret Houlihan approaches, takes a reading, and shakes her
Margaret: I'm sorry, Hawkeye, we've lost him.
(Hawkeye throws his scalpel down in disgust. He walks away.)
Hawkeye: (Back in the present.) I'm not gonna lose this kid! I've lost
too many as it is!
(He walks away. Reed and Amy now sit down at the waiting room. Reed is
now thinking back to the past himself. It's Los Angeles, 1982. A
graveside service is taking place. We see Reed, along with Officer Bill
Gannon, Nurse Dixie McCall, Doctors Kelly Brackett and Joe Early, and
Firefighters Roy DeSoto and John Gage, among the mourners. We see a
picture to the side of the flag-draped coffin, and it's that of Sgt. Joe
Friday; he had died from a heart attack a few days previously. Gannon
steps up to a rostrum.)
Gannon: Well, I was never good at making a speech, but I'll try my best.
It seemed to be in the Good Lord's interest to take Joe away from us. But
we must not forget that when he was with the force, his total devotion to
being the best officer in the department was not lost on him. Every day
he got up, did his job, and he did his damnedest at it. Dixie, I know he
was a loving husband to you for five years, (27) and I only hope when
little John grows up, he'll be like his father was. Roy, John, Kelly,
Joe, I can't say how much he helped you guys at Squad 51 and at Rampart
without repeating myself. Jim, you and Pete were never afraid to seek his
advice in matters. I can only hope that Joe's looking down at us now and
looking out for us like he always did. (He looks up. Tears begin to well
up.) We're gonna miss you, Joe. I know most people though you were
cynical and had a one-track mind, but we were very damn proud to call you
(Gannon steps away from the podium. Reed is silent throughout this.
The Chief of Police now steps up.)
LAPD Chief: It is by my order that Sgt. Friday's badge number 714 be
officially retired from active duty. Dixie, would you please step up
here? (She does, and receives Friday's medal.) (28)
(A gun salute is now fired, followed by "Taps" as the flag on the coffin
is folded into a tri-corner and handed to Dixie.)
Reed: (Back to the present.) Dammit, where is he now when we need him!
Amy: It's about Friday again, isn't it?
Reed: He'd know what to look for; he'd know what to do.
Amy: Daria didn't deserve to have what happened to her occur.
(Jake, Helen, Quinn, Jane, Trent and Amanda now arrive.)
Jake: (Yelling in a savage voice.) WHERE IS SHE! WHERE IS
Amy: Calm down, Jake, for Christ's sake!
(Jake doesn't want to hear this; he nearly bowls Amy over and heads for
the OR. Hawkeye stops him.)
Hawkeye: Hey, hey, hey! You can't go in there!
Jake: WHERE'S MY KIDDO? WHO DID THIS TO HER!
(He's very angry now, very much like he was in Martin J. Pollard's "Sins
of the Past". Helen and the others now approach.)
Helen: Doctor, what's happened to Daria?
Jane: Yeah, what the fuck happened to her?
Hawkeye: Daria was severely beaten with a blunt instrument. She's got a
lot of internal injuries, head trauma, and possibly some broken bones,
but that's not the main concern. She was beaten into a coma. We can deal
with the injures, but we don't know if the coma is reversible yet. We're
operating on her even as we speak.
Trent: (With an angry tone in his voice.) That bitch Sandi did this to
her! She's hated Daria ever since those two first met!
Quinn: Oh, my God! Could it be true? Sandi couldn't do anything like
Reed: Daria said she did before she blacked out.
(Quinn has a look of shock on her face. Suddenly, she begins to cry.)
Quinn: (Screaming.) NO! WHY DARIA! WHY HER! SHE DIDN'T
POSE A THREAT TO SANDI! WHY! WHY! WHY!
(Helen comes up to Quinn and consoles her.)
Helen: There, there, Quinn, everything's going to be OK.
Helen: Yes, Dear?
Quinn: I never told anyone about this, but even when I hated Daria for
all the times she got on my case, a part of me wished that I was a lot
more like her. I wish I was as smart and witty as she is. I guess part
of me loves her, even if she can be a nagging bitch! (She begins to cry
from the bottom of her heart now.)
(Jane begins to cry herself now. Trent and Amanda hug her. Cut to Daria
in the ICU [Intensive Care Unit], hooked up to monitors. She's bandaged
up all over her head and arms. Her mouth is uncovered, and it seems she's
attempting to mouth the words, "Trent, I love you." She then falls back
Scene 2: Lawndale High School cafeteria, 11:30 AM Tuesday.
Background music: The opening bars of "One" by Creed.
(We see the remaining members of the Fashion Club here, including Acting
President Quinn, Candy and Tiffany. However, we also see Brittany here,
Quinn: I'm calling this special meeting of the Fashion Club to order.
Candy: Quinn, I think maybe before we begin, we should have a moment of
silence and remember Daria in our thoughts.
Quinn: Very well. (There is silence for a minute.) Anyway, guys, we've
just endured the worst crisis ever to hit the Fashion Club. However, what
had to be done had to be done. Sandi was becoming more and more
destructive, and therefore, was going to wind up destroying this club with
it. We've now got to pick up the pieces on this matter, and move ahead.
Agreed? (Everyone nods their heads.) OK, the first order of business is
to elect a permanent president. As much as I want to be in this position
permanently, I don't think I want the responsibility. Therefore, I am
nominating Candy Kaine to be our new president. Do I hear any other
nominations? (Silence.) Hearing none, I hereby declare nominations
closed. All those in favor of electing Candy Kaine as our new president
please raise your hands. (Quinn, Candy and Tiffany do so.)
Congratulations, Candy. (Candy stands up and shakes Quinn's hand. She
now takes Quinn's place.)
Candy: I just want to thank everyone for their support. I hope I can
guide the Fashion Club to a new and better era than the one that came to
such a tragic end recently. OK, now on to other business. I have
extended an invitation to Brittany here (She motions to her.) to join us.
I figure it's time for us to add some new members here. Are there any
objections? (Silence.) Hearing none, welcome to the Fashion Club,
Brittany. (She shakes her hand.)
Brittany: Gee, thanks, Candy! (Twirling her hair.) You know, this
corrects a grave injustice that was done to me several years ago. (29)
I just hope all of you are willing to give me a chance to be an
outstanding member of this organization.
Candy: Thanks, Brittany. Now, on to the main reason why we're here.
Before this meeting began, Quinn and I spoke to Ms. Li about giving us a
conditional reinstatement of our organization as an officially sanctioned
club of this school provided we take care of the business we're going to
take care of right now. (30) We really need to adopt an amendment to our
bylaws expressing that we do not condone eating disorders and agree to
hold a seminar on the same. Tiffany, as our acting secretary, would you
please read the resolutions?
Tiffany: Here's the first resolution: "Resolved, that the Fashion Club
does hereby adopt the following amendment to its bylaws--as required by
Title 6, Article 3, § 5, ¶ 2 of the State Education Law--as follows: 'The
Fashion Club shall not condone any member resorting to anorexia nervosa,
bulimia, or other eating disorders in order to meet the criteria for
weight as expressed in these bylaws. Any member so caught in the act of
an eating disorder shall be expelled.'" The second resolution is as
follows: "Resolved, that the Fashion Club shall hold a seminar on the
dangers of eating disorders on Saturday, April 17, 1999 at 10:00 AM at
Quinn Morgendorffer's house at 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, in
accordance with Title 6, Article 3, § 5, ¶ 2 of the State Education Law."
Candy: Thank you, Tiffany. Do I hear a motion to move the both of these
Quinn: I make that motion.
Candy: Do I hear a second?
Brittany: MMMMM, I'll second it.
Candy: OK, just for the record, I want this vote recorded as a roll call
Candy: And I vote "Aye" myself. The resolution is carried, and the
amendment to the bylaws have been passed as well as a date set for the
seminar. Tiffany, inform Ms. Li and Jodie that we have passed those
Tiffany: Yeah. (She gets up and goes.)
Candy: If there isn't any other business, then we stand adjourned. (They
all get up and go. She turns to Quinn.) Quinn, thanks for your support.
Quinn: (Sounds distant.) Yeah, sure.
Candy: Quinn, you're going to have a lot more responsibility with your
job than Sandi ever gave you. I'm going to be over in Vancouver a
lot, (31) so it'll be like you're virtually in charge. I do entrust you
to do what you feel is best when I'm away. Be my eyes and ears, so to
Quinn: Sure. Uh, Candy, I have to leave after this period. I got
excused so I can go see Daria at the hospital.
Candy: How's her condition?
Quinn: It's been upgraded to serious. She's resting comfortably in her
own room now. They patched her up, but now we have to wait and see if
she snaps out of the coma.
Candy: Wish her well for me.
Quinn: You know, if Sandi was here, she wouldn't give a damn about Daria,
but you do. Why?
Candy: Quinn, I've got to tell you this, but I've got an older sister
just like Daria.
Candy: Trish is now a sophomore at McGill University in Montréal. She
looks quite a lot like Daria. She's also got a cute boyfriend who's going
to the law school there. I owe what I am today from Trish. She guided me
through some tough times, like when my boyfriend sexually assaulted me.
Quinn: When did this happen?
Candy: During my first year on the show. She was also a damn good tutor
Quinn: Man, I just wish I did things like that with Daria. Well, I did
ask her once if she could help me with an English essay I was supposed to
write, but I had to pay her money, then she essentially told me to go
screw myself. (32) (Tears begin to well up in her eyes. She now embraces
Candy.) Oh, Candy, where did I go wrong? (She begins to cry.)
Candy: Quinn, you've got to realize that there's more to life than
fashion and boys. It's time you grew up a bit.
Quinn: If Daria never wakes up, how am I going to do that?
Candy: You'll just have to try, that's all.
(Quinn continues to cry.)
Scene 3: Daria's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 12:15 PM Tuesday.
Background music: The opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Silent
Lucidity" by Queensryche.
(We see Daria, still bandaged up, hooked up on IV's and monitors. She
seems to be tossing and turning a bit. We hear her weakly say something
like "Help--me--", then she falls still. Quinn enters.)
Quinn: Daria? I don't know if you can hear me, but I've got something I
have to say to you. You know, we've been at each other's throats for a
long time, I realize that. But it had to take something like this to see
how much I care for you in my own way. Daria, you were always the strong
one in the family. You could take anything and anyone and cut it down to
size. But not everyone likes people like that, Daria. I guess that's the
reason why I was telling everyone that you were my cousin instead of my
sister. I didn't want to see you get hurt like this. Of course, I now
realize what I did was wrong. I have no one to blame but myself for this.
(She begins to cry a little.) Daria, I promise you that if you pull
through this, I'm going to be a better person. There are some things
about me that won't change. Sure, I'll still have my interests in fashion
and in boys like I was telling you and Jane when you were editing that
film about me you did for English class, (33) but those things aren't
going to be my top priority anymore. Candy's told me that I have to be
concerned about bigger matters, including how I feel for my family. (She
takes Daria's hand.) Daria, I guess you're not going to hear this, but I
love you. Don't die on me, Daria. I need you now, more than ever! (She
breaks down and cries. She now flees the room, then runs into someone.
It turns out to be Jamie.) Jamie! What are you doing here?
Jamie: Uh, well, Jeffy and Joey nominated me to go see Daria for the
three of us.
Quinn: Jamie, I just feel bad about what happened to Daria. It's all my
Jamie: Don't blame yourself, Quinn. You can't be held responsible for
what Sandi did, if that's what happened.
Quinn: But if I told the truth that Daria's my sister in the first place,
she wouldn't be lying in a coma right now!
Jamie: Quinn, remember just a few weeks ago, when we went out on a date,
and we made love? (34)
Jamie: Quinn, that night I saw a different side of you. Someone who
cared. You have the potential to be a very nice person if you weren't so
airheaded and letting people like Sandi take control of you. I want to
help you through this. And I would be honored if you and I went steady.
Quinn: You really mean it, Jamie?
Quinn: That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time. (She
begins to cry again. Jamie hugs her.)
Jamie: Come on, let's see your sister. (They re-enter the room. Jamie
goes up to Daria and kisses her on the chin, the only part of her head
that isn't bandaged up.) Get well, Daria.
Scene 4: The same, 1:00 PM Tuesday.
(We see now that Reed is in here. He looks at Daria.)
Reed: Why is it that everyone I know is fated to suffer something
terrible? Why does it always seem to be that way?
(Reed now thinks back to 1992, back in Los Angeles. The riots that broke
out after the officers charged with beating Rodney King were acquitted are
happening. Reed is seen at South Central. Fights are breaking out
everywhere. We now see a bunch of skinheads descending on a black youth.
The youth screams as he's beaten up by the skinheads; we can hear shouts
of "DIE, NIGGER!" from them. Reed approaches, but by the time he arrives
the skinheads have left. He checks the black youth. He feels no pulse;
he's dead. There's rage visible on Reed's face. Cut to later that day,
when he returns to his precinct. The precinct captain approaches Reed.)
Captain: Reed, we need to see you a minute.
Reed: Yeah, sure.
Captain: Jim, I don't know how to tell you this, but. . .
Reed: What happened?
Captain: It's your son, Brian.
Reed: What happened to him?
Captain: He was stopping some black looters at one of the Korean
appliance stores. They gunned him down. He didn't have a chance. I'm
(We cut to a TV; we see Rodney King's face.)
King: Can't we all just get along?
(Reed slams his fist into a nearby desktop. We suddenly hear someone say
"Jim, are you all right?" Cut back to the present, where we see Trent
speaking to Reed.)
Trent: You OK, man?
Reed: Yeah; just thinking about the past.
Trent: (Approaching Daria.) Hey, Daria. (He kisses her on the chin like
Jamie did before.) Sorry I couldn't bring Janey with me; she's a bit too
upset right now, and I don't blame her. Daria, what Sandi did to you was
heinous. You didn't deserve what happened to you. I don't know how well
you're going to look after they remove the bandages and all that, but
don't worry about what I'll think. No matter what all the other students
in school tell you, you're beautiful to me. (He now takes an acoustic
guitar out of its case.) Daria, I want you to hear a song I wrote for
you; I call it, "Hey, Daria".
(Trent begins to tune the guitar, then plays a soft, lovely strum on it.)
Trent (Singing.): Hey, Daria,/I know you don't like to dress flashy;/Hey,
Daria,/But you sure know how to act sassy./(CHORUS:)/I don't mind if you
don't wear make-up;/I don't mind if you are cynical;/Hey, Daria,/I like
you just as you are./Hey, Daria,/I like you with those glasses on;/Hey,
Daria,/I like it when you smirk just as only you can./REPEAT
CHORUS/(Guitar instrumental.)/Hey, Daria,/You're very beautiful to me;/
Hey, Daria,/I only want you to get better for me./(CODA:)/I don't mind if
you don't wear make-up;/I don't mind if you're cynical;/Hey, Daria,/I like
you just as you--/I like you just as you--/I like you just as you are.
(He stops playing now. He kisses her on the chin again.)
Trent: Get well soon, Daria.
(We now see a single tear fall down on his face. Zoom in on it like they
did when Iron Eyes Cody cried during those "Keep American Beautiful"
commercials in the 1970's, including the violin solo as well. We now see
Trent leave, too overwhelmed with emotion. Reed continues his own vigil.)
Reed: God, what have we done to ourselves?
(We now cut to Daria, and we see a faint trace of her Mona Lisa smile on
her; apparently, she heard the song.)
Scene 5: The same, 2:30 PM Tuesday.
(Tiffany now enters the room. Reed is still sitting, keeping an eye on
Tiffany: Uh, Daria? I don't know if you can hear me. You know, ever
since you arrived here in Lawndale, I've never been able to figure you
out. To be fair, I was never able to figure out Quinn or Stacy for that
matter, either. However, what I do know is that what Sandi did to you was
wrong. Daria, I don't know if I can ever make up what happened to you,
but, for what it's worth, I promise you I'll treat you better in the
future than I did in the past. Candy told me that when she met you and
Jane, she thought the both of you were OK. I guess if Candy says you're
OK, then you're OK by me. Take it easy, OK? (She leaves and goes to a
nearby chapel. She kneels in front of the altar and takes out a rosary
from her purse.) Saint Jude (35), advocate for those without hope, hear
my prayer. I know it's been a long time since I went to church, but
there's a girl I barely know in here who got hurt by someone I thought was
my best friend. Please help her. Hear my prayer.
(We now cut back to Daria's room, where we see Rabbi Benjamin Cohen of
Temple Beth Israel, the Reform temple that the Morgendorffers apparently
belong to.  He has on his yarmulke and prayer shawl.)
Cohen: Lord God Almighty, even as you delivered Your chosen people from
the yoke of bondage, please, hear my prayer for Daria Marie here. I know
that at times she tries even Your patience, but I know that deep down
inside of her tough exterior there is a very good young lady within.
Please show her the way to Your righteousness. So many people out there
need her. Her work is not yet finished. Hear my prayer. Amen. (He
turns to Reed.) Thanks for asking for me, Mr. Reed.
Reed: Amy told me about her being Jewish. Will she be OK?
Cohen: Remember, God is He who can still the stormiest oceans. Is it not
within His abilities to heal as well?
Reed: Sometimes I wonder.
(Cut back to Daria. Zoom in on her, then cut to someplace that seems very
black. In the background, we can hear the ominous notes of "Abyss (To
Hell with the Devil)" by Stryper starting. Daria does not have the
slightest idea where she is.)
Daria: Where am I? What am I doing here?
Unidentified Voice: You know where you are, and you know me.
Daria: Who are you?
Unidentified Voice: Come closer and see for yourself.
(Daria approaches where the voice is coming from. As she nears, we see
someone who looks like the elderly Jake from the fantasy sequence in
"Write Where it Hurts", but he's in a military uniform. It's apparently
"Mad Dog" Morgendorffer himself. Daria sees this and gasps.)
Scene 6: An Interstate Highway somewhere in the Tri-County Area, 3:00 PM
Tuesday. Background music: The guitar chorus from "YYZ" by Rush.
(We see Sandi on the run. She looks disheveled. She pauses to catch her
Sandi: (Panting.) Got--to--keep--moving. Don't--let--them--catch-me.
(Suddenly, she sees a mirage; it looks like Daria. The mirage seems to be
Mirage of Daria: You won't get away with this! I will haunt you until
you die! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sandi: (Shrieking.) LEAVE ME ALONE! (She picks up a rock from the side
of the road, and tosses it. The mirage scatters. Suddenly, we see a
Lawndale County Sheriff's Department cruiser go down the road. Sandi
panics and hides in some nearby shrubs.) Masons run the country! (37)
Masons run the country! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Scene 7: Back at Daria's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 3:30 PM
(We see Kevin and Brittany enter the room now, with Reed still keeping an
eye on Daria. They're not in their usual football uniform and cheerleader
uniform; Kevin's wearing a red cut-off T-shirt that exposes his abdomen
and jeans, while Brittany's wearing a white cashmere sweater and gray
Kevin: Daria, it's us, Kevin and Brittany.
Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, Daria, I know you're feeling
a lot of pain, but we came here to cheer you up! (Suddenly, she moves
about as if she's shaking her pom-poms.) Gimme a "G"! Gimme a "E"!
Gimme a "T"! Gimme a "W"! Gimme a "E"! Gimme a
"L"! Gimme another "L"!
What's that spell? GET WELL! What's that spell? GET WELL! What's that
spell? GET WELL! GEEEEEEEEEET WEEEEEEEELLLLLL!
(She jumps into the air with a split and does a Jenny McCarthy-like
Reed: (Angrily.) Jesus fucking Christ, keep it down!
Kevin: Hey, sor-rry!
Brittany: Well, anyway, Daria, they admitted me into the Fashion Club.
I'm going to be the new secretary/treasurer. They decided to combine the
posts. Candy and the others wanted to extend their wishes to you to get
Kevin: Daria, I know that we're on opposite sides of the popularity
meter, but, for what it's worth, we think you're OK in our book. It's
just that Sandi was so dictatorial about how everyone in school was to
treat you and all that.
Brittany: I think Mack and Jodie may be over here soon themselves.
(There's a sudden knock on the door. We now see Mack and Jodie.)
Mack: We aren't interrupting anything, are we?
Kevin: Nope, Mack Daddy.
(Mack shakes his head, while Jodie just groans to herself.)
Mack: Man, she's busted up all right.
Jodie: Poor Daria; why would Sandi do this to her?
Brittany: From what I heard, Sandi's had it in for Daria for a long time.
So maybe she prefers glasses to contacts and doesn't wear nail
polish, (38) but that doesn't give anyone the right to attack her like
(Kevin now takes out the glasses he wore in "Through a Lens Darkly".)
Kevin: Daria, I heard your glasses got busted in the attack. I'm going
to give this to your Dad and ask him to have lenses put in them for you.
I guess he knows your prescription.
(Speaking of which, Jake and Helen now enter.)
Jake: (Softly.) Hi, kiddo. (He pats Daria on her head.) How's my
little pumpkin doing?
Helen: (Pleasingly surprised.) Jake, you haven't called Daria that since
she was five years old.
Mack, Jodie, Kevin, Brittany and Reed: Kiddo? Little pumpkin?
Jake: (Now totally embarrassed.) It's a long story.
Jodie: Where's Quinn?
Helen: She saw Daria earlier. She's trying to get some homework done.
I think what's happened to Daria's changed her. Usually she gabs with her
friends on the phone before she does her homework. It's like something
was taken out of her soul.
Reed: I hope that it will be for the better.
Helen: (Now approaching Daria.) Hi, sweetie. Mom's right here for you.
We're all rooting for you to pull through this. I know that we all get on
our nerves at times, but I also know that deep down inside of you--where
you even don't admit it--you love us, even Quinn. And I know that Quinn
loves you and Dad and me, and I love you, Dad and Quinn, and Dad loves
you, Quinn and me. (She grabs her hand; a tear begins to fall down her
face.) Don't die on me, huh? Please? (She begins to cry. Jake consoles
her. Jodie begins to cry herself as Mack hugs her. Brittany cries now,
and hugs Kevin. Reed gets up.)
Reed: Is it me, or is Daria the lone voice of reason in a town full of
(Reed now thinks back to January, 1994, back in Los Angeles. It's the
aftermath of the earthquake that struck that year. A building has
collapsed somewhere in Brentwood. Reed, along with Officer John Friday,
Sgt. Friday's son, pull over in their car and get out.)
Reed: There might be people trapped in there, John. Be careful; it looks
John Friday: Right. (They now enter with flashlights. They see a young
girl, perhaps no older than eight, who looks like Daria when she was that
Girl: (Weakly.) Help me! Help me!
Reed: We'll get you out in a second. (Rumbling.) Where's your Mommy and
Girl: I don't know.
John Friday: (Clearing out the rubble.) I got her. (He takes her out.
More rumbling.) Let's get out of here! This place is gonna collapse!
(Reed leads the girl, with John Friday behind them. Reed and the girl get
out. Reed turns around to see John just at the door, but then the
building collapses on him, crushing him to death.)
Reed: JOHN! JOHN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Cut back to the present. Reed clenches his fists.)
Reed: I'm going to find this animal who did this to Daria!
(The "Adam-12" theme kicks in as Reed goes to his car, and drives off. He
turns on the radio.)
Radio Announcer: Lawndale County Sheriff's deputies think they spotted
Sandi Griffin, wanted in the beating of Daria Morgendorffer, somewhere
along the Tri-County Freeway in a wooded area near Oakwood.
She is considered dangerous due to her unstable mental condition. If you
see her, please do not take any action on your own; instead, call 911 and
inform them. Thank you.
Reed: Pete, I could have used you now.
Scene 8: Daria's room again, 6:00 PM Tuesday.
(We now see Jane, Stacy, Andrea and Laura, Stacy's friend from "Karen
Carpenter Blues", are all here. Stacy is wearing the look she adopted at
the end of "Karen Carpenter Blues": Her hair is down; she's wearing
eyeglasses, faded T-shirt, baggy jeans and Vans sneakers.)
Stacy: Daria, we've only been friends for only such a short while, but it
seems we've known each other for a long time. You've given me a new
reason for living. The counselor told me I'm making a lot of progress
since I began my treatments for bulimia. I owe my life to you, Daria. If
it wasn't for you, I'd be dead now. I know you can't cry right now, so
I'll cry for the both of us. (She begins to cry.)
Jane: Hang in there, Daria. Life here in Lawndale wouldn't be the same
without you here. (A tear begins to fall down her face as well.)
Andrea: I guess you know I don't have too much to say, but, if makes you
feel better, I'll find Sandi and sacrifice her to Satan for you. (Even
she begins to cry now.)
(Zoom in on Daria's bandaged face. We now cut back to Daria in some
unknown location, with what apparently looks like "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer
in front of her.)
Daria: Grandpa Morgendorffer?
"Mad Dog": Yes, that's me.
Daria: What are you doing here?
"Mad Dog": I should ask you that question.
Daria: Where am I?
"Mad Dog": You will know soon enough. I am so ashamed of you. Jake
should have put you in military school like I did to him.
Daria: But you know Dad resented that. Why did you do that?
"Mad Dog": Because I wanted to make a man out of him.
Daria: What you did was destroy his self-esteem and make him into a
"Mad Dog": Don't you dare speak about your father that way!
(Daria notices a pentagram on his dress jacket.)
Daria: I don't think the armed forces give a pentagram medal out. Who
are you, really?
(Suddenly, "Mad Dog" transforms into Satan. Daria gasps. Flames now
shoot out, and we see that this is Hell. Satan laughs furiously.)
Satan: Welcome home, my child! You lived your life like the selfish
bitch I expected you to be!
Daria: Selfish? Does having common sense and the ability to see through
life's shit for what it is selfish?
Satan: You were always a little miserable twit, weren't you? No wonder
why Tommy Sherman called you "The Misery Chick". Look at him! (We see a
shot of him tied and bound to a goalpost as demons torture him.) He was
surely the cock of the walk when he was alive, but now he's playing for my
team, FOREVER! And now, you belong to me as well! (He grabs Daria; she
(Cut back to the hospital room, where suddenly, Daria jerks around
violently. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines with that characteristic
Jane: Daria, NO!
Stacy: NURSE! DOCTOR! ANYONE!
Unidentified Doctor's Voice: Code Blue in Room E-321! The Morgendorffer
(Hawkeye enters with a nurse.)
Hawkeye: Dammit, I thought she was out of the woods now! Gimme the
paddles! (The nurse gives them to him. He moistens them, tears down
Daria's smock, then puts them on her.) Clear! (He jolts her. Nothing.)
Again! (He jolts her again. Still nothing.) Dammit, Daria! Don't die
on me! You hear me, don't die on me! I saw too many kids die in Korea!
I can't stand it! YOU'RE GONNA LIVE, DAMMIT! YOU HEAR
ME? YOU'RE GONNA LIVE!
(Cut back to Hell. Daria's squirming in Satan's grasp. Suddenly, a bolt
of lightning zaps Satan, causing him to release Daria. Daria turns around
and sees a tall, statuesque young lady dressed in a white robe in front of
her; she's got long, flowing black hair and blue eyes.)
Young Lady: Sure; anything for my kid sister.
Young Lady: Daria, didn't Mom and Dad tell you about me? I'm your
older sister, Kristin.
(Daria has a shocked look on her face. As we cut to commercial, there's
no background music at all. We just see a widescreen shot of Daria in
Satan's grasp in a purple tint and in slow-motion with the "Daria" logo
superimposed over it.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2
(An instrumental version of "You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora
begins to play.)
Announcer: More "Daria" action figures are on the way! Here are some
that are available right now! The "Weepy O'Neill" action figure, with
actual crying action for you gals who like a sensitive man!
(Show a picture of the O'Neill action figure crying.)
Announcer: Also available, the "Karate-Chopping Barch" action figure!
Just wind her up and she'll kick the ass of all your male dolls!
(Show a picture of the Barch action figure kicking the crap out of the
"Neurotic DeMartino" action figure seen in the previous commercial.)
Announcer: Here's the "Taskmaster Li" action figure, complete with
hand-held metal detector and whip! Here's the "Jiggling Brittany" action
figure, with real jiggling breasts! Finally, there's the "Sleeping Trent"
action figure, with actual snoring noises and his own bed!
(Show a shot of the Powerpuff Girls playing with the action figures.)
Blossom: We Powerpuff Girls are proud to endorse these action figures!
Bubbles: Yeah! The Trent action figure is so cute when he's asleep!
Buttercup: Oh, yeah? (She winds up the Barch action figure, which then
attacks the Trent action figure. Bubbles begins to cry.)
Blossom: Buttercup! How could you?
Announcer: More dolls to come soon! Get them all! The "Daria" action
figures collection! Only from Blammo! Batteries not included.
Announcer: On the next "South Park", Cartman's cousin Blake and his band
Spiral Taps are miffed when they have to play second fiddle when a famous
band comes to town.
(Show a shot of the amphitheater used in "One Band Town". The mayor steps
out to the stage.)
Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, making their first appearance in twenty
years, Josie and the Pussycats!
(Applause. The band begins to play the theme to their show. Fast cut to
the rafters, where Blake is cutting the ropes holding an amplifier in
Blake: I'll show those bitches! Nobody shows up Spiral Taps and gets
away with it!
(Fast cut to the seats. We see Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny seated.
Kyle looks up.)
Kyle: Hey, Cartman, isn't that your cousin Blake cutting those ropes
holding that amplifier that's just above Josie there?
Cartman: Mind your own (BLEEP!)ing business!
(Kenny mumbles something.)
Stan: Man, Kenny's right! You've got to save her, Kenny!
(Kenny gets up and goes to the stage. We now see the ropes snap and the
amplifier fall down. Kenny shoves Josie out of the way just as the
amplifier crushes him.)
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Announcer: That's happening on the next "South Park"! Wednesday night at
10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on Comedy Central!
FEDERATION SPACE STATION DEEP SPACE ACT III
(OK, that one was lame, but I wanted to keep within the "Star Trek"
Scene 1: Somewhere along the Tri-Counties Freeway, 6:09 PM Tuesday.
(We see Reed driving along. He's thinking back again, this time to 1994,
around June, when the O. J. Simpson case broke out. We see him
approaching Chief Willie Williams. He hands over his ID card and his
Williams: What's the meaning of that?
Reed: I'm resigning.
Reed: I tried to play the role of the good officer for a lot of years
now, but now I realize I can't. Jean's recent death from breast cancer
just convinced me.
Williams: I don't get it.
Reed: Well, I do! This department's lost touch with the community it's
supposed "To Protect and To Serve". Most blacks can't trust us, and for
good reason. They think all of us are out to get them, and I'm beginning
to think that many of my fellow officers actually believe that.
Williams: We've done a lot to change that since the King riots. They
appointed me, didn't they?
Reed: I remember when Malloy and I were investigating an ambush by that
Brotherhood organization. Two cops were gunned down; one white, the other
black. It was the black cop who gunned down one of the perps. And yet
those thugs thought it was a white officer who did it. (39) Then you've
got departments like the New Jersey State Police who pull over black
motorists due to some inane "profiles". I don't think anything's changed
since the civil rights protests, not a damn thing. And it's not just
blacks, it seems everyone's getting cynical about us. We're supposed to
be the people's servants, not their masters.
Williams: You're just upset about Jean.
Reed: It isn't just about Jean! It's also about my son, Sgt. Friday and
his son, and Malloy! I've lost too many people in my life, people I
Williams: You know, Captain DeSoto over at the County FD still holds you
in high regard.
Reed: We've lost sight of what's important in this nation. And it covers
everyone no matter what political stripe they are. People are too afraid
to change the system, and if we just sit back, those militia groups and
taxpayers' groups will make changes, and not for the better of society.
Those scum are only a step removed from the KKK.
Williams: You of all people should know that they're no different than
the Brotherhood or the Black Panthers or the FALN.
Reed: Which is the scariest part. It's becoming just like the old Latin
saying: "Silent leges inter arma: 'In times of war, the law falls
silent.'" We've declared war on our own people due to misconceptions that
they're all criminals, saboteurs or radicals. Is that what we're becoming
here, a police state?
Williams: I wish you'd reconsider your decision, Reed. We need people
Reed: No, I'm gone. I'm going to work for real change. Change that will
benefit everyone, not just for the white middle class living reasonably
well in the suburbs while the rest of America goes to pot. Good day,
chief. (He turns to go.)
Williams: (Holding his wallet.) At least keep this; we were going to
retire your badge number.
(Reed takes the wallet and tosses the ID card out of it.)
Reed: The badge I'll keep; I don't need the ID. (He leaves.)
Williams: He is right. Where have we gone wrong?
(Fast forward to about a few months ago. The setting is backstage at
the KDOC studios in Anaheim. A taping of "Hot Seat with Wally George" is
happening. Reed is sitting in a chair waiting his turn when we see Amy
arrive. She's wearing the orange sweater and black stretch pants she wore
in "Through a Lens Darkly". She sits next to Reed.)
Reed: Hi. What are you in for?
Amy: (Chucking over that.) I'm supposed to take on Wally over his views
on mandatory drug testing at school. My niece Daria gave me some
information based on her own eyewitness accounts.
Reed: I'm supposed to be talking about the declining state of race
(The crowd roars in excitement. Apparently Wally's current guest is
getting on his case.)
Unidentified Voice: Look at what welfare reform's done already. Innocent
people have been kicked off welfare--including many minorities--and
they're starving. If this keeps up, the Black Panthers will be making a
comeback, and when they go gunning after the right-wing militia groups, be
prepared for a civil war far worse than the first one.
Wally: You jerk! You're outta here!
(Roars from the crowd can be heard. A burly guard hustles the guest out.
He's a black man wearing a pastor's outfit.)
Black Minister: You just wait until I tell Al Sharpton about you! (He's
Amy: So, what's Wally George like?
Reed: He makes Rush Limbaugh look like a Communist.
Amy: Do you know that he's the father of actress Rebecca DeMornay?
Reed: Yeah; they've been estranged for years.
Amy: Anyway, I'm Amy Barksdale; I write a column for "Women's Real
Issues" magazine and I often appear on the PBS newsmagazine "To the
Reed: I'm Jim Reed. I used to be with the LAPD.
Amy: I've got a rather cynical view about law enforcement.
Reed: I used to be optimistic, but I saw too much shit going down. Now
I'm fighting for change.
Guard: Ms. Barksdale! You're next!
Amy: Feel like some lunch after this?
Reed: Sure. I know a nice drive-in not too far from here.
Amy: OK. Just tell me where it is, and I'll meet you there.
(They shake hands. Cut back to the present. Reed is still driving.)
Reed: If Daria dies, I'm gonna rip Sandi's head off and hand it to her
parents on a silver platter!
Scene 2: Hell, time unknown. Background music: The opening guitar
riffs from "To Hell with the Devil" by Stryper.
(We see Daria just as we left her: Seeing someone who says she's her
older sister Kristin.)
Daria: This is some kind of a joke, isn't it?
Kristin: No, it isn't.
Daria: How come Mom and Dad didn't tell me about you?
Kristin: I was born prematurely in 1976. I died a few days after that
due to complications. Mom and Dad were reluctant to have another child
for a few years after that. You came a few years later. You could say
that I'm your guardian angel.
Daria: If that's the case, where were you when I needed you a few times?
Kristin: Nobody's perfect, not even guardian angels.
(Satan roars in anger.)
Daria: Well, what do we do now?
Kristin: I'm the only way you can get back to the land of the living,
Daria. Leave it to me.
Satan: (Roaring.) You will be mine, Daria!
Kristin: You will not have her soul, Satan! She still has much to
accomplish back on Earth!
Satan: She's mine now! (He lunges forward. Kristin produces a
broadsword. Satan produces a broadsword himself. They now fall to
Daria: This looks like something out of that virtual reality game I play
at the arcade. (41)
(The battle continues. Fast cut back to Daria's room. Hawkeye continues
using the paddles on her.)
Hawkeye: Come on, Daria, dammit! Clear! (The paddles jolt Daria again.)
Jane: Daria, don't quit on us now! Goddammit, don't quit on us now!
(Fast cut back to Hell. The battle continues. Suddenly, Satan disarms
Kristin, who is now prostrate before him. The sword falls within Daria's
Satan: Now you will die!
Kristin: I am ready to give my life for my God!
Daria: NO! (She suddenly grabs the sword, runs up to Satan, and stabs
him. He falls down. Suddenly, Satan transforms, and we see its another
Kristin: An impostor! I knew it! The big guy never risks big jobs like
Demon: This is not over for you, Daria. One of these days, Satan will
have your soul! (He dies.)
Kristin: Time for you to return to the land of the living. (A light
shines above them.)
Daria: Tell me one thing before I go.
Daria: What would you have been if you had lived?
Kristin: Probably like you. (She smirks that Mona Lisa smile of Daria's,
who returns it.) Now you must go.
(Daria can feel herself being pulled up.)
Daria: It was nice knowing you.
(Cut back to Daria's room. Hawkeye is still using the paddles.)
Hawkeye: Dammit, Daria, if you don't pull through this I'll--Clear! (He
jolts her again. Suddenly, Daria bolts right up with a gasp, just like
she did after the nightmares in "Monster", "Ill" and "Through a
Darkly." She catches her breath.)
Daria: Where the Hell am I, and why is it so dark?
Jane: (Overcome with emotion.) DARIA!
Stacy: She's alive! She's alive!
Daria: OK, so where's Dr. Frankenstein?
Hawkeye: Right here. Just remember to stay away from fire and little
children. And have those bolts on your neck rotated after ten thousand
(Jane does that evil smirk of hers even as tears of joy fall down her
face. Stacy cries for joy herself, and even Andrea grins a little.)
Jane: Andrea, get Jake, Helen and Quinn down here.
Andrea: Yeah, sure. (She leaves to go to a pay phone.)
Jane: Welcome back to the land of the living, Daria.
Daria: Jane, I had a near-death experience. I thought I saw my
grandfather, except he was Satan, but then it turned out to be one of his
demon minions. I also met the older sister I never knew.
Jane: Older sister?
Daria: It's a long story.
Scene 3: A wooded area near the Tri-County Freeway in Oakwood, 6:30 PM
Tuesday. Background music: The opening guitar squeals from "Year of tha
Boomerang" by Rage Against the Machine.
(Reed is driving down the road again. We see several sheriff's cars
parked near the area. Reed stops and gets out. He sees a deputy there.)
Reed: Excuse me, what's going on?
Deputy: We think we found the Griffin girl, Sir.
Reed: Think I could help? I used to be with the LAPD.
Deputy: No harm in that, I guess. Just be careful; she's very unstable
Reed: They certainly taught me how to deal with that kind of situation at
the Academy. (He goes into the woods. He searches up and down. Finally,
he finds Sandi, disheveled.) Sandi, I need to talk to you.
Sandi: You keep away from me! (She now grabs a rock.) I swear I'll
break your skull with this!
Reed: Sandi, you're going to have to turn yourself in. What you did to
Daria was wrong, very wrong. In fact, if she dies, odds are the DA's
going to pursue trying you as an adult, and you could get the death
penalty. Do you want that?
Sandi: Who gives a shit about that fucking nerd Daria? She never really
cares for anyone but herself and her shitty friend Jane. She wants to
take over the Fashion Club and admit other girls like her like that Andrea
freak. I won't allow it! You hear me, I won't allow it!
Reed: That may be so, but you still did a very bad thing.
Sandi: You know, if she dies, it won't be a big loss; she's really
(Reed now thinks back to 1968, to the Academy. It's Graduation Day. We
see among the crowd his parents as well as his wife Jean. We also notice
Sgt. Friday and Officer Gannon present as well. Chief Thomas Redding 
takes the podium.)
Redding: Will the cadets please raise your right hand and repeat after
me: "I," (Replies of "I".) State your name. (Various names are
spoken.) "Do solemnly swear to uphold the constitution and laws of the
United States, the State of California and the City and County of Los
Angeles," (The cadets repeat the statement.) "And will to the best of my
ability," (Phrase repeated by the cadets.) "Faithfully discharge my
duties as an officer of the Los Angeles Police Department to the best of
my ability." (Phrase repeated by cadets.) "So help me, God." (Phrase
repeated by cadets.) Congratulations. You are now duly sworn officers of
(Hats are thrown into the air. Afterwards, Reed sees his parents and
Jean. Sgt. Friday and Officer Gannon now approach.)
Friday: Congratulations, Reed. (They shake hands.)
Reed: Thanks, Sgt. Friday.
Friday: Is that your wife and your parents there?
Reed: Yes. (To his parents and Jean.) Mom, Dad, Jean, this is Sgt. Joe
Friday; that's his partner Officer Bill Gannon.
Gannon: I wish Irene was here, but she had her weekly bridge club; she
goes to that faithfully every week.
Friday: Reed, I just wanted to speak to you about something.
Reed: Sure, what's it about?
Friday: Reed, you've become an officer of this department. This job
calls for a great deal of responsibility. Every day, when you put on that
uniform, I want you to remember that there are a lot of good, honest,
hard-working people out there who are counting on you to protect and serve
them. Never lose sight of the fact that these people pay their taxes so
that people like you can put in an eight-hour shift making sure that their
welfare is protected from harm. There are some people today who think
that what we are doing is wrong, that sometimes we single out people due
to the color of their skin of due to a lack of money. There are some bad
eggs out there on the force; I won't deny it. But we have to make sure
that the vast majority of honest officers out there can prove to the
public that there are good cops out there. Also, never forget that no one
is ever worthless; no one is ever a nobody. There are days that you're
going to think that your job isn't worth it, but let me tell you
something: If you change the life of just one person in your daily
tasks--just one person--then that's worth a lot more than all the money in
the world. Don't ever lose sight of that, Reed.
Reed: Thanks, Sgt. Friday.
Friday: Remember that when you're faced in some situation that makes you
doubt your abilities to serve this community.
Reed: I will.
Gannon: We'd better head back to Parker Center, Joe.
Friday: Yeah, we've got some paperwork to catch up. (They go.)
Reed: Well, now onto my career as an officer.
(Fast cut back to the present. Reed is still confronting Sandi.)
Sandi: Besides, why would you care about someone like Daria; her kind
doesn't trust people like you. I've said it before, and I've said it
again, she's nobody.
Reed: (Now finding new resolve.) She isn't nobody. Maybe she sees
things better than most people; she sees them for what they are.
Sandi: And I don't?
Reed: Sandi, I've been speaking to a lot of your friends. I spoke to
Quinn, I spoke to Stacy, I even spoke to some of your old elementary
school friends. They all told me you weren't always like this. They said
something happened to you that caused you to become what you are today.
Reed: I was driving along, and I spoke to some people. I think I spoke
to a Danny Moreno earlier. He told me that you used to be considered a
nerd yourself when you were in elementary school.
Sandi: That's not true!
Reed: Sandi, Danny gave me a picture of you that proves otherwise. (He
takes it out and shows it to Sandi.) Sandi, it's over. Your reign of
terror over the other kids in school is over. I intend to show this to
Ms. Li and everyone else in school. Give yourself up while you still
have a chance.
Sandi: (Now freaking out at the prospect that everyone will know that she
used to be like Daria.) NO! I WON'T LET YOU DO THAT! (She now
throws the rock at Reed, but misses. She runs for it, but Reed, despite
pushing his late 50's, runs up to her and tackles her. Some
deputies--including the one Reed spoke to a few minutes ago--run up as
well.) NO! LET ME GO! I WON'T LET YOU RUIN ME!
Deputy: Sandi Griffin, you're under arrest for assault with intent to
murder against Daria Morgendorffer. (He handcuffs her. Sandi lets out a
primal scream as she's hauled away.)
Another Deputy: Are you all right, Sir?
Reed: Yeah, now I am. I was just reminded why I joined the LAPD in the
first place. What will happen to her now?
Another Deputy: We're going to take her to Brookside Rest Home for a
psychiatric evaluation. (43) If she's deemed mentally competent to stand
trial, it then becomes a question of whether she can be tried as an adult.
Reed: If it was up to me, I'd take it easy on her; she's gone through too
much as it is.
Another Deputy: That is for the DA to decide.
(They now grimly walk away. Pan to the rock Sandi threw.)
Scene 4: Daria's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 7:00 PM Tuesday.
Background music: The violin solo from "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad
(Jake, Helen, Quinn, Jamie and Amy are all around Daria's bed. The
bandages have been removed from Daria's head. She's got a lot of bruises
around her face, but is otherwise not the worse for wear. A new pair of
glasses that look like the ones she had broken are on her face now.)
Daria: Mom, Dad, how come you never told me about Kristin?
Jake: Well, we though it would have been better if you didn't know about
that. We thought it would have upset you.
Daria: Did what happen to me actually happen, or was it just my
Amy: The cynic in me would say the latter, but if you believe it
happened, then it did.
Quinn: Well, we're just glad you're getting better now. The doctor says
you're healing very nicely now.
Daria: Yeah, the doctor said that he thought I was extremely lucky. No
broken bones, no major internal injures. The worst I'm getting out of
this are some bruises and a slight limp in my left leg, and even those
will be gone after a few weeks.
Jamie: Daria, we're all looking forward to seeing you back at school.
Daria: That's supposed to make me laugh, right?
Quinn: No, Daria, we're all serious about that.
Reed: They captured Sandi. They're going to need almost all of you for
Helen: We'd better be going now. Take it easy, sweetie. (She kisses
Daria on the cheek. She and the others now leave. Daria takes off her
glasses and tries to sleep. Suddenly, we hear a knock on the door. Daria
opens her eyes and sees it's Trent.)
Trent: Hey, Daria. Hope I wasn't disturbing you.
Daria: No; I was just going to swallow a cyanide pill and end it all.
Trent: (Chuckling.) Good one, Daria. (He gets to her side now. He
notices some slippers. He takes them up and we notice that they're the
embarrassing dog slippers Daria keeps beneath her bed as mentioned in "The
Daria Diaries".) These yours, Daria?
Daria: (Blushing.) Uh, yeah.
Trent: Daria, I want to talk to you about something.
Daria: What about?
Trent: It's about us. Daria, I don't like seeing you getting hurt like
this. I think maybe I'm partly to blame for what happened. Sandi wasn't
too crazy about seeing me helping you when you got spritzed at the car
wash fund raiser. (44) She wasn't too crazy about us when we got into
that accident at the Seven Corners either. (45) Your folks weren't too
crazy about me when Janey and I stayed at your place when the IRS tried to
seize our house. (46) Daria, you're a very special person in my life; I
won't deny that. You're beautiful, you make me laugh, but I don't know if
I can get into a relationship with you right now. I'm 21, and you're 16.
If we got serious, your folks would freak.
Daria: Trent, age shouldn't matter. When I first met you, I was
literally swept off my feet. Back at Highland, no one wanted me except
for Beavis and Butt-Head, and those two would have porked the first female
animal they'd find to satisfy their lusts. You're different; you're not
some macho jock like the guys in school are.
Trent: Yeah, I know. After you graduate from high school, maybe we can
get serious then. Daria, you will always have a place in my heart.
Daria: And you will in mine, Trent. (We can see tears form.)
Trent: Daria, there is one thing I can do for you.
Trent: Remember a few days ago I said you needed to vent your emotions
once in a while? I want to be something like an emotional release valve
for you. I know you don't like showing how you feel to others, but you
can trust me. It won't go any further than me. (He extends his arms out
to Daria. She sits up, then embraces him. She begins to cry from the
bottom of her heart now.)
Daria: Trent, I was scared. Sandi got the better of me and won over me
by scaring me. I thought I was better than that. I always thought I was
a brave person.
Trent: Daria, being brave doesn't mean you're not going to be not afraid
of everything. Being brave means facing up to the things that scare you
the most. And you're not a loser. Sandi didn't win. You're still alive,
Daria: You know what was the worst part?
Daria: After she was done beating me up, she called me an ugly bitch!
(She now really cries. Trent begins to cry himself.)
Trent: Daria, you are not ugly. In fact, I think you're kinda cute.
(Daria suddenly gives a puzzled look at Trent.)
Trent: Well, I don't mean "cute" by how Quinn defines it. I mean
by how I define it. I saw you sleeping a few times during your weekly
sleepovers with Janey. You know, you look so cute when you're sleeping,
without your glasses on and wearing that T-shirt and shorts. You also
look vulnerable when you're sleeping.
Daria: Trent, how come you never told me this before?
Trent: Because I didn't know how you would have taken it. I know you're
not vain and all that, but let's face it, what you said about not having
low self-esteem but having low esteem for everyone else isn't totally
true. (47) You hold Janey and me in very high esteem, but you're very
self-critical. I'm not trying to give you the same spiel Mr. O'Neill gave
to you and Janey at his self-esteem workshop, not at all. What you should
do is be a bit more open about yourself. Start with me. That's all I
Daria: Thanks, Trent. I really appreciate it.
Trent: And don't think that's a sign of weakness. You're a very
strong-willed woman, and I appreciate that. But even the best of us need
some help once in a while.
Daria: Trent, just hold me. I want to get some things out of my system
that I've been bottling up for a long time. (She now really cries. Trent
pats her on the back. We now see Jane approaching, but she respectfully
keeps her distance.)
Jane: (To herself.) We're going to help you through this, Daria. We all
Scene 5: The same, 8:30 AM Wednesday.
(Daria is seen up on her feet. A cane is seen nearby her. She's wearing
her usual outfit of green jacket, brown T-shirt, black pleated knee-length
skirt and black Doc Martens boots. Daria is seen packing up to leave.
There is a knock on her door. We now see that it's Pastor Daniel Collier,
the character who was speaking to Amy when she arrived at Lawndale
International Airport in "Karen Carpenter Blues".)
Collier: I hope I wasn't interrupting anything.
Daria: No. Just getting ready to go. Who are you?
Collier: Pastor Daniel Collier, St. Luke's Lutheran Church.
Daria: Why see me? I'm a Reformed Jew.
Collier: Your Aunt Amy asked if I could see you for a moment. Amy's
Daria: (Sighs.) OK.
Collier: Daria, I know Sandi did a very vicious thing to you. But if you
want to prove that you're bigger than her on this, it would be in your
best interests to forgive her.
Collier: From what everyone's been telling me about her, she's been mean
and cruel to everyone because of the abuses she's suffered in the past.
If you forgive her, it could help her on the way to healing herself from
what's been happening to her. You know, I once took judo when I was the
chaplain at a U. S. Army base in Okinawa, and the sensei (48) there told
me that in judo, you are to use your opponent's strengths against him or
her. This is kind of the same thing. Sandi's strength is in cutting
people down to size. It's also her biggest weakness. If you forgive her,
she'll feel cut down, and she'll start to seek the help she needs.
Daria: Are you sure about this?
Collier: As sure as the Sun rises.
Daria: OK, I guess I'll give it a try. (She finishes packing, closes the
suitcase, and grabs that and her cane.) My folks are waiting for me.
Nice meeting you.
Collier: Go in peace, my child. (Daria leaves. He now faces the
heavens.) Merciful Father, I will only ask one thing of You. Have
patience with Daria Morgendorffer. I know at times she can be stubborner
than a Missouri mule, but deep within her lies a good person. Give her
the patience to face the challenges ahead of her. This I ask in the name
of Your Son Jesus Christ, whom with You and the Holy Spirit lives and
reigns now and forever. Amen.
(Daria is seen going down the hallways and to the doors of the hospital.
The press is out in full force. Cameras click as we see Helen's SUV from
"Through a Lens Darkly" waiting at the curb, along with Helen, Jake and
Helen: Come on, Daria; it's time to go home.
Daria: Mom, there's someplace I want to go to first.
Daria: Brookside Rest Home.
(Everyone gives Daria a puzzled look. Daria smirks her Mona Lisa smile.)
Scene 6: Brookside Rest Home, 9:00 AM Monday.
(We see Sandi in an office. She's lying on the couch. A bottle of
Ritalin is next to her. We not cut to who's at the chair taking notes.
It's none other than Sideshow Bob from "The Simpsons".)
Sideshow Bob: Now, Sandi, you now realize that Daria meant no harm to you
at all, do you?
Sandi: (In a Ritalin stupor.) Yeah, I know.
Sideshow Bob: You know, I used to be like you. After Bart and Lisa
Simpson figured that it was me and not Krusty the Clown who held up Apu's
Kwik-E-Mart, I had revenge burning within me for years. I wanted to get
rid of those two so bad. But, after a few years, those feelings subsided.
Now, as part of my parole, I'm supposed to be helping people like you
overcome your hatred for the victims of your crimes. You need very
serious help in this.
(There is a knock on the door. A nurse enters.)
Nurse: Excuse me, Mr. Tawillicker? (49)
Sideshow Bob: Yes?
Nurse: There's a young lady to see Ms. Griffin. She says it's urgent.
Sideshow Bob: Sure. Send her in.
(The door opens, and Daria hobbles in on her cane. Sandi panics.)
Sandi: Daria, please! I know that you want to get even with me and all
that, but I didn't mean it! Really!
(Daria makes a motion like she's ready to hit Sandi with the cane. Fast
cuts to Sandi, Sideshow Bob and the nurse with shocked looks on her faces.
However, Daria sets the cane down, and just extends her hand.)
Daria: Sandi, all I wanted to do is to say, "I forgive you."
(Sandi is stunned. Suddenly, she bursts into tears, and embraces Daria.)
Sandi: Oh, Daria! What am I going to do? I've lost everything! I need
Daria: For what it's worth, I could help you.
Daria: Yeah, really.
Daria: For starters, don't hate me for who I am anymore. I can't help
being me. You can help being you, though. And you don't have to turn
into a clone of me, either. Just be a bit more tolerant of people like
me, that's all. Also, no matter what, don't get even with Quinn. If you
even try to remove her as Vice-President of the Fashion Club or remove
Candy as President, I'll have to get out the old AK-47. (Fast cut to a
panic-stricken Sandi.) I didn't mean that last part. (Sandi sighs
relief.) I've got to be going now. Take it easy, OK?
Sandi: Thanks, Daria. (She begins to cry again. Sideshow Bob puts a
comforting shoulder on her.)
Sideshow Bob: The first step on the road to recovery is admitting you
have a problem. You have taken that first step. The journey will not be
easy, but we will see it through.
(Cut to Daria hobbling down the hallway. She smirks that Mona Lisa smile
Scene 7: Morgendorffers' living room, 3:30 PM Wednesday.
(Daria is watching TV with Jake, Helen, Quinn, Amy and Reed.)
Reed: Glad to see you back here, Daria.
Daria: Yep, back to the Black Hole of Lawndale.
(Jake, Helen and Quinn scowl, while Daria and Amy smirk their Mona Lisa
smiles, and Reed grins a little himself.)
Jake: You're going to be well enough to go back to school tomorrow,
Daria: I should be, Dad. (To Amy and Reed.) So, what are you two going
to do now?
Amy: Jim and I are going back to LA. Jim's thinking of starting his own
political think tank.
Reed: We're going to call it the Reed Foundation for Political Research.
We're going to make people more aware of what their government's doing and
warn them about the threat posed to our society by right-wing militias
Daria: In other words, fight the good fight.
(The doorbell rings.)
Helen: I'll get it. (She answers it. Cut to a shocked look on her face.
Cut to see why. Virtually everyone we know from the show is here. If one
notices very carefully, one may even see "Daria" creators Glenn Eichler
and Susie Lewis among the crowd.)
Trent: Hey, Mrs. M, could we see Daria for a minute?
Helen: Sure. (Trent, Kevin, Mack and Ms. Li step in.)
Trent: Hey, Daria.
Daria: Trent, what are you doing with Kevin, Mack and Ms. Li?
Kevin: Well, we all came over here to speak to you. I know that most of
us know that we haven't treated you well in the past, but I guess it had
to take something like this to realize that you're pretty cool.
Li: Ms. Morgendorffer--uh, Daria--we might not get along very well, but
sometimes I have to step back from my role as being this school's chief
administrative officer and take a look at the bigger picture. Life isn't
all about grades and popularity after all.
Daria: Did Mr. O'Neill set you up to this? It sounds like something he
Li: Well, uh, er, he did casually suggest I speak to you.
Mack: Daria, I guess what we're all saying is that we all got together
and we're all going to treat you a lot better than we have been doing in
the past. Maybe you do have some oddball tendencies, but I guess maybe we
Kevin: Well, I like to crush beer cans on my forehead. . .
Daria: That isn't too unusual.
Kevin: . . .with the beer still in it.
Trent: Daria, I want to invite you to a special concert we're giving in
your honor at the Zen this Saturday night. We'd like you to be there.
Trent: See you then, Daria. (He gives a knowing wink to Daria, who
smirks back to him. He and the others now leave.)
Quinn: Daria, is it me or have you suddenly become popular?
Daria: Well, it depends on your definition of the word "popular".
Jake: Not to mention the definition of the word "is"!
Helen: (Scowling.) Jake, who asked you!
(Daria and Amy give those Mona Lisa smirks again, while Reed grins a
Scene 8: The Zen, Dega Street, Lawndale, 8:00 PM Saturday.
(It's a crowded house here. Daria, Jane, Jake, Helen, Quinn, Amy and Reed
are in the front. Trent now gets on stage.)
Trent: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Zen. We're going to be holding a
special concert in honor of Daria Morgendorffer, who just got out of the
hospital after Sandi Griffin violently assaulted her. (Grumbling from
some.) Now I know that there are some out there who think that what Sandi
did to Daria was wrong. I agree. But I can only hope that Sandi has
learned something from this and can become a better person from this than
had been previously. I understand there might be a plea bargain in the
works provided she get professional help. I can only hope that all will
be for the better, that's all. We're going to open this concert with a
special appearance by a band some of you might know. I'll turn it over to
(Trent goes off the stage. We now see the members of the band Sebadoh
enter: Lead singer and guitarist Lou Barlow, bassist Jason Lowenstein and
drummer Bob Fay. Some other people in tuxedos and carrying cases now get
on stage as well.)
Barlow: Hello. We're Sebadoh. I'm Lou Barlow; lead singer and
guitarist. Jason Lowenstein's on bass, and Bob Fay's on drums. We met
Trent when he and Mystik Spiral were doing that Midwestern tour some time
back. He told us about what happened and we agreed to open this concert.
We also contacted the string section of the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra as
well. We're going to start things with a song from our 1996 album
"Harmacy". The song's called "Willing to Wait". This one's for you,
(Daria blushes ever so slightly. Barlow begins to play the soft guitar
intro to the song, with Fay doing that slow drum sequence. Daria feels a
tap on her shoulder. She sees it's Trent.)
Trent: Care to have this dance, Daria?
(Daria takes Trent into her arms, and they dance.)
Barlow: When you see him again,/Tell him everything you told me;/Tell him
that I'm still your friend,/And maybe you would like to see me again./I'm
willing to wait my turn to be with you,/But I still have a lot to learn
about me;/And no one's sure if we should be together./(The string section
kicks in.)/But, oh,/When I saw you again,/A beautiful friend,/She opened
up her heart and let me in;/And, no,/I cannot lie to you;/I'm still in
love with you and/I only wanna be with you.
(The guitar and drum intro repeats.)
Jake: Helen, don't Daria and Trent look lovely dancing together?
Helen: Yes, indeed they do, Jake.
Quinn: I'm just glad to have her back.
Jane: You know what, Quinn? I have to agree with you for once.
Barlow: So, when you see him again,/Tell him everything that you told
me;/We're more than friends,/And maybe we should start again;/Maybe you
could love me again./(The string section starts up again, and goes through
the end of the song.)/Cause, oh,/When I saw you again,/A beautiful
friend,/She opened up her heart and let me in;/No,/I cannot lie to you;/
I'm still in love with you and/I only wanna be with you;/I only wanna be
with. . .you.
(Cut to a shot of Daria and Trent dancing, Daria softly kissing Trent's
cheek while a tear goes down the side of her face. Fade to black as we
hear the "Dragnet Theme" kick in again, and we now see a shot of Reed's
old LAPD policeman's badge 2430.)
George Fenneman: The story you have just seen is true. The names were
changed to protect the innocent. (We now see a shot of Sandi against a
plain gray wall as the horns play softly.) On April 13, a trial was
scheduled at Lawndale County Court in regard to the case against the
suspect. The judge in the case accepted a plea bargain in which the
suspect pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of assault and battery and
disturbing the peace. Assault and battery carries a term of five years in
state prison, while disturbing the peace carries a sentence of six months
in the county jail. Upon the recommendation of the district attorney, the
sentence was reduced to time served and five years probation, to end when
the suspect turns 21, upon condition that the suspect receives outpatient
treatment for her mental instability. Also, the Morgendorffers waived
their rights to civil action in this case, and the suspect was re-enrolled
in Lawndale High provided she take Ritalin for her condition.
(We now see a caption that says: "SANDRA ELAINE GRIFFIN--Now
receiving outpatient treatment at Brookside Rest Home." Cut to a
black-and-white scene where we see sweaty hands over a piece of metal as
we hear an onimous timpani drumroll in the background. The left hand is
holding a die while the right hand is holding a hammer. Due to the
seriousness of this story, however, this is not the usual Mark Zero Fan
Fiction tag line, this is the classic Mark VII Limited tag line, as the
hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time, with the
hammer being pulled off to the side in the original 1950's version instead
of headlong onto the camera as in the 1960's version. After it hits the
die the second time, the hammer and die are removed, and we see a Roman
numeral "VII" chiseled into the metal, with the word "MARK" in white
Roman lettering above it and the word "LIMITED" below that in white Roman
lettering. The solemn booming of a kettledrum can be heard as we fade in
to Reed's badge again. There are no makeovers at the end of this story.
Walter Schumann's "Dragnet March", which ended every episode of the
original series, starts, as we see special credits roll, as follows:)
Daria Morgendorffer/Amy Barksdale.........................Tracy Grandstaff
Quinn Morgendorffer/Helen Morgendorffer/Jane Lane.............Wendy Hoopes
Jake Morgendorffer....................................... Julian Rebolledo
Trent Lane/Officer John Friday, LAPD....................Alvaro J. Gonzales
Jodie Landon........................................Jessica Cyndee Jackson
Candy Kaine ..............................................Venus Terzo (50)
Detective Jim Reed (Ret.), LAPD ...............................Kent McCord
Sgt. Joe Friday, LAPD.....................................Dan Aykroyd (51)
Officer Bill Gannon, LAPD/"Mad Dog" Morgendorffer.............Harry Morgan
Officer Frank Smith, LAPD ...............................Earl Hindman (52)
Tiffany Woo......................................Ashley Albert, a/k/a Echo
Stacy Nibblet...................................................Sarah Drew
Jean Reed...................................................Kristin Nelson
Chief Willie Williams, LAPD.............................Louis Gossett, Jr.
Chief Thomas Redden, LAPD....................................Harrison Ford
Sandi Griffin/Brittany Taylor/Linda Griffin....................Jamie Mertz
Laura Caruthers.........................................Teryl Rothery (53)
Angela Li ....................................................Nora Laudani
Kevin Thompson/Jamie White/Satan/Demon.......................Marc Thompson
Jesse Moreno/Danny Moreno ...................................Willy Schwenz
Andrea Hecuba/Nurse /Girls 1-3.................................Susie Lewis
Dr. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce...........................Alan Alda
Bob Tawillicker, a/k/a Sideshow Bob ........................Kelsey Grammer
Older Kids 1-3/Jimmy/Deputy/Another Deputy.................Peter W. Guerin
Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie/Black Minister...............Paul Williams
Guy grabbing Daria by her leg at the Zen/Reed's Father/
Tommy Sherman..................................................Hank Azaria
Todd /Beavis/Butt-Head/Tom Anderson/Hank Hill...................Mike Judge
Other Cheerleader Girl/Kristin Morgendorffer..........Sarah Jessica Parker
Blossom/Buttercup .........................................Tara Cherendoff
Bubbles /Court Secretary......................................E. G. Dailey
President Clinton/Kenneth Starr/Tom Green/
Jerry Seinfeld ..........................................Eric W. Lynn, Jr.
Commercial Announcer/George Fenneman/Guard ...................Frank Welker
Recording Secretary/Reed's Mother/
Nurse at Brookside Rest Home............................Heather North (54)
Nurse at Hospital ............................................Park Overall
Airport Security Guard..................................Rusty Burrell (55)
Jim Ignawtowski..........................................Christopher Lloyd
Taxi Passengers 1-2/Soup Nazi ...............................Scott McNeill
Judge Kathy Feeder............................................Kate Mulgrew
EMS Technician/Trapper John McIntyre..........................Wayne Rogers
Rabbi Benjamin Cohen/John Friday/Precinct Captain........David Hyde Pierce
Margaret Houlihan/Mayor.......................................Loretta Swit
Blake Cartman/Unidentified Doctor's Voice..................Danny Bronstein
Kyle Broslowski/Stan Marsh/Eric Cartman/Kenny McCormick........Trey Parker
Pastor Daniel Collier........................................Glenn Eichler
Dr. Kelly Bracket............................................Robert Fuller
Dr. Joe Early .................................................Bobby Troup
Nurse Dixie McCall............................................Julie London
Firefighter Roy DeSoto, LA County FD.....................Randolph Mantooth
Firefighter John Gage, LA County FD............................Kevin Tighe
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES BY:
STORY WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY:
Peter W. Guerin
ANIMATION DONE BY:
Mark Zero Animation
"Daria" THEME BY:
"Dragnet Theme and March" BY:
"Adam-12 Theme" BY:
"Mark VII Signature" BY:
Ray John Heindorf
Peter W. Guerin
Although the assistance of Chief Bernard Parks, LAPD, the LA Board of
Police Commissioners or the LA County Board of Fire Commissioners were not
sought out in the making of this story, the author would like to
acknowledge the hundreds of thousands of police officers, firefighters,
EMS technicians, paramedics, doctors and nurses who risk their lives daily
to protect ours. The author would also like to acknowledge Ed Olivares,
the "Jurassic Cop" himself, who joined the LAPD in his 50's and served
alongside the author's stepfather, Walter McNeill, when they were
stationed with the Army in Germany in the late 1950's to early 1960's.
Also, the author also acknowledges the officials in charge of his area's
own agencies: Chief James W. Clary, Hudson Falls (NY) Police Department;
Chief John Santa Croce, Hudson Falls (NY) Fire Department; Washington
County (NY) Sheriff Roger LeClaire and the Fort Edward (NY) Rescue Squad.
I salute you.
(Fade to a picture of a man in a police uniform mounted on a motorcycle at
a picnic somewhere in Islip, New York, early 1950's.)
THIS STORY IS DEDICATED TO
ROBERT W. GUERIN, SR.
OFFICER, TOWN OF ISLIP (NY) POLICE DEPARTMENT
TROOPER, NEW YORK STATE POLICE
KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY WHILE PROTECTING LIVES
(Fade to black.)
(1) It's been kind of customary to use different background colors for the
logo in each season of "Daria". The first used magenta; the second,
light green; and the current season, light blue. I decided to use yellow
for my "Daria: The OAV's" series.
--Your Co-ordinating Officer, Peter Guerin.
(2) George Fenneman served as the announcer for the original "Dragnet"
series.--Officer Peter, HFPD.
(3) Daria played a harmonica in "The Big House" as well as in my fan fic
"Return of the Lawndale Militia" and Dr. Belch's "The Plot in a
Look for Daria to play her harmonica more in my upcoming story "The
Mighty Daria the Harmonicist".--Peter Dylan.
(4) Danny expressed his desire to play in the band in his newsletter in
"The Daria Database".--Musical Peter.
(5) In "Monster", Kevin and Brittany say they wear each other's underwear
when they go see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".--Peter the Virgin (hey,
maybe I can go to Diezel Monkey's site and bone up!).
(6) In "Karen Carpenter Blues", it's mentioned that Amy lives in LA.
--Big Apple Peter.
(7) Daria said something similar in her E-mail message to Cecil in
Zimbabwe in "The Daria Database".--Peter the Boer.
(8) That happened in "Daria!: The Musical". Getting the car repaired is
a convenience in explaining why Jake teaches Daria how to drive in his car
after it got totaled in future episodes of "Daria" as well.--Peter Mifune.
(9) Legend has it that Queen Christina of Sweden (ruled 1632-1654) was
born this way as well. This rather unconventional monarch later
renounced Protestantism and her own crown and became a holy woman in Rome,
though whether she lived a holy life after that is in dispute.
--Prince Peter of Chichester.
(10) With all due apologies to the late Stanley Kubrick; may he rest in
peace.--Peter Guerin (who hopes HAL won't turn him into a fetus for this).
(11) In case you missed out on "Karen Carpenter Blues", Amy told Daria
that she might get married to now retired LAPD Lieutenant Jim Reed of
"Adam-12" fame.--Sgt. Peter Friday.
(12) Judge Katherine T. Feeder was introduced in "No Nudes is Good Nudes."
(13) This was the incident where Todd sexually assaulted Daria that I
mentioned in "Triumph of the 'Retart'"; I was going to give more details
in my aborted "Perchance to Dream", but my computer ate it! :-(
(14) That is a question that needs to be asked: What will it take for
Daria to explode emotionally? I think it may be if Trent tells Daria that
he can't be her boyfriend because either he's in love with Monique or
because he's gay as a lot of other people have speculated (the producers
of "Daria" have promised a resolution to the Daria/Trent relationship this
summer). In Martin J. Pollard's "Sins of the Past", it takes the rape of
Quinn for Daria to explode, beating up on Sandi and trashing her room.
What will it take? Only Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis know for sure (if
at all).--Emotional Peter.
(15) I owe Martin J. Pollard for this one. He talked about this at the
#Dariafan IRC chat room at DALnet (http://www.dal.net); the incident was
originally mentioned in David Gerrold's book "The World of Star Trek".
--Capt. James T. Peter.
(16) See "Through a Lens Darkly" for details. I'm hoping to revisit the
question of Daria's self-identity in a proposed story called
"Pierce Me. . .Again", where Helen tries to persuade Daria to have her
ears pierced, and in another story I'm planning to call "My Damn Birthday
from Below Hell", where it's Jake (and not Trent) who decides to take his
"kiddo" to a tattoo parlor so she can get a tattoo for her seventeenth
birthday.--Bespectacled Peter (whose own biological brother switched to
contacts himself, but not for driving; and his mother didn't force him,
nor discourage him, either).
(17) In "The Daria Database", Danny said he had two of the votes needed to
secure a place with the band in the Mystik Spiral newsletter.
(18) This is my tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Hass. In her story "The
Ono Effect", Daria writes lyrics for Mystik Spiral, which leads to the
band breaking up. However, in my proposed "The Mighty Daria the
Harmonicist", her participation extends no further than being a harmonica
(19) This is setting things up for another of my proposed stories, which
I'm planning on calling "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge". It would be
a sequel to Danny Bronstein's "Daria"/"South Park" crossover in which
rather famous animated rock band is reunited (although in a radically
different way from what they were in the past), and Mystik Spiral and
Spiral Taps are battling it out to become the opening act for them. Any
guesses as to what famed animated rock band I'm taking about? (Hint,
does the name Cheryl Stoppelmoor ring a bell with you?)--Peter Kirschner.
(20) I revealed Sandi's full name in "Karen Carpenter Blues".
(21) Danny Bronstein coined Nibblet for Stacy's last name in "Who Shot
Principal Li?"; I just coined "Lorraine" for Stacy for this story, just
like I coined "Louise" for Quinn in "The Dinner Date from Hell",
for Jane in "Return of the Lawndale Militia", and C. E. Forman coined
Marie for Daria in "To Helen Back".--Sirhan Peter.
(22) If I may interject here for a moment, the last name "Kaine" was not
meant to be construed as a homage to Chris Smith, a/k/a Kain, no matter
what some people may think; that last line was kind of my twisted opinion
on that controversy.--Doc Forbin (my own on-line handle; it's a tribute to
Dr. Charles Forbin from "Colossus: The Forbin Project").
(23) Daria beat up "Sandi in Triumph of the 'Retart'", "The Dinner Date
from Hell" and "Stupid Sunday".--Pugilistic Peter.
(24) Nathan was introduced in "Triumph".--Pastor Peter.
(25) On "Adam-12", Reed was married. I had mentioned in "Karen Carpenter
Blues" that she had died from breast cancer.
--Officer Peter J. "Pete" Malloy, Badge 744.
(26) TV trivia time! There was a series called "Trapper John, M. D.",
which ran 1979-1985, in which Pernell Roberts (he who played Adam
Cartwright in "Bonanza") playing a modern-day version of Wayne Rogers'
character at a San Francisco hospital.--Dr. Peter.
(27) In real life, Jack Webb was indeed married for a few years to Julie
London, who played Nurse McCall on "Emergency!"; they had two daughters;
one was killed in an car crash in 1996.--Officer Peter, HFPD.
(28) In real life, when Jack Webb died from a heart attack in 1982, he was
accorded a full LAPD officer's funeral, and Badge 714 was indeed retired
in his honor. He had such a close working relationship with the LAPD
that has not been matched ever since with any other producer and police
department. In fact, he was even on hand when LAPD Headquarters was
renamed Parker Center, in honor of Chief William H. Parker, who lent a lot
of technical assistance to Webb during the original 1952-1959 run of
"Dragnet".--Desk Sergeant Peter, NYSP.
(29) In "Return of the Lawndale Militia", Brittany mentions that Sandi had
extended an invitation to her to join the Fashion Club back at junior
high; however, she withdrew it when Brittany's father Steve refused to
take on Sandi's father Tom's accounting business as a client for Steve's
ad agency; Brittany nearly killed herself by taking an overdose of
sleeping pills as a result and was only saved by a chance visit by her
biological mother Vivian.--Gen. Peter.
(30) In "Karen Carpenter Blues", Ms. Li suspended the Fashion Club's
operations until it agreed to adopt an "Anti-Eating Disorders Amendment"
to its bylaws and made arrangements to hold an "Eating Disorders Seminar".
(31) Candy mentioned that her show "LaFrance Prep" was filmed in Canada
in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Hoser Peter (KA-LOO-KU-KU-KU-KU-
(32)Ah, yes, who could ever forget the immortal "Quinn the Brain"!
(33) Who could forget that scene in "Monster"!--Candid Camera Peter.
(34) That happened in "No Nudes is Good Nudes".--Recap Peter.
(35) As mentioned in "Karen Carpenter Blues", Saint Jude is the patron
saint of hopeless cases.--Pastor Peter.
(36) Rabbi Cohen was introduced in "Triumph of the 'Retart'".
(37) The microbes that were infesting Mr. Burns on the episode of "The
Simpsons" where he brings gambling into Springfield said the same thing.
--Bartholomew J. Peter ("I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! You can't
prove a thing!").
(38) Brittany made that same observation about nail polish in "The
Invitation".--Party Pooper Peter.
(39) All this happened on an actual "Adam-12" episode.
--Officer Peter, HFPD.
(40) Amy's jobs were first mentioned in "Karen Carpenter Blues."
(41) Remember that scene from "The New Kid"?--Gameboy Peter (Who likes to
play "Doom", "Duke Nukem 3D" and "Quake" himself).
(42) Redding was LAPD chief when "Adam-12" debuted.
--Chief Peter, HFPD.
(43) Brookside Rest Home was the mental facility Mr. DeMartino was taken
to after he assaulted Kevin; read his letter to Mr. O'Neill in "The Daria
(44) That happened in C. E. Forman's "All Washed Up".--Peter Hertz.
(45) See C. E. Forman's "Driven Wild" for details.--AAA Peter.
(46) That happened in C. E. Forman's "Daria vs. the IRS".--Taxman Peter.
(47) Daria said that back in the very first episode "Esteemers".
--Total Recall Peter.
(48) Japanese for "teacher" or "master".--Guerin-sama.
(49) In the "Simpsons" episode where Sideshow Bob marries Aunt Selma, he
revealed his last name as Tawillicker.--Homer Peter (D'OH!).
(50) The rather famous voice of Girl Ranma from "Ranma 1/2" and B-ko
Daitokuji from "Project A-ko".--Voiceman Peter.
(51) He played Friday in the rather satirical 1987 "Dragnet" movie.
--Officer Peter, HFPD.
(52) He plays Wilson on "Home Improvement".--Tool Time Peter.
(53) The voice of A-ko Magami herself!--Fanboy Peter.
(54)The voice of Daphne Blake from "Scooby Doo".--Shaggy Peter.
(55) The bailiff from the original version of "The People's Court".
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