Author: Naomi Mattera
Notes: This and my other fanfics are located at my Daria page This fanfic may be posted anywhere as
long as this info stays intact and the story is goes unchanged.

"Patty Cake, Patty Cake, Bakers Damned"

(Opening scene: Mr. O'Neil's class)

O'Neil: So can anybody define the word, procrastination? Kevin?

Kevin: When those chicks, like, go to bed with you for money?

O'Neil: No, Kevin, that's, um, prostitution.

Kevin: Oh yeah. Cool.

O'Neil: Daria, can you define procrastination?

Daria: I'll define it later.

O'Neil: That's very good, Daria. Creative way to define. What about
the word, lethargic. Brittany,
can you define it?

Brittany: Um, I'll tell you later?

O'Neil: No, Brittany. I'm sorry.

Brittany: But you're letting Daria do it later!

O'Neil: I'm afraid you don't understand, um, nevermind.

Ms. Li (over intercom): Good morning, students. I just wanted to let
everybody know that this
Saturday is the annual bake sale. All students are encouraged to
participate. Those who do not
participate must purchase 10 dollars worth of baked goods. Or they
will bake in detention. We
are trying to raise money for new library books for Laaaaawndale High.
(The bell rings)

Daria: Why does she deem it neccesary to tell what school we are
raising money for?

Jane: I think she gets a power surge when she says (imitating Ms. Li)
Laaaaawndale High.

Daria: So are we baking or forking over the cash? I don't really feel
like spending time in

Jane: I'm baking.

Daria: Can I come watch? Then I won't have to do anything.

Jane: You just want to see Trent. If you come over you have to help.

Daria: Fine. But if people drop dead from food poisoning, you better
not turn me in.

(Cut to the Morgendorrfers at the dinner table)

Quinn: And so the fashion club is like baking these really cute bon
bon thingies. We're doing it
over Sandi's because she has a really cute kitchen....

Daria (interrupting): With a really cute stove and really cute knives
to stab each other in the back

Helen: Daria, what are you doing for the bake sale?

Daria: I'm going to watch Jane bake while I silently protest the
school's attempt to turn teenagers
into housewives.

Helen: But aren't the boys participating, too?

Daria: At least they aren't sexist. By the way, I'm staying over
Jane's house tomorow night.

Jake: Sexist?

Helen: Well I would come to the sale, but I'll be in the office
working all weekend.

Daria: You mean you aren't going to help fund Lawndale High by buying
a bunch of desserts
baked by its incoherent students?

Jake: Desserts? Yum! Honey, can we go?

Quinn: Can I spend the night at Sandi's tomorow, since we are going to
spend all afternoon baking
and we have to get to the bake sale early on Saturday morning?

Helen: I guess. But I don't want another fiasco like the last time you
were going to spend the night
at Sandi's.

Quinn: I know. I can't believe she kicked me out. But Stacy and
Tiffany are spending the night,
too. She wouldn't kick me out with them there because then, like, I
wouldn't have anywhere else
to go.

Daria: If you show up at Jane's we'll cut you up and put you in the
cookie batter.

Helen: Daria!

Daria: It looks like you two will have the house all to yourselves
tomorow night. Don't break
anything I wouldn't.

Jake: Yeah!

(Cut to Daria in her room watching TV)

TV: Are these people drowning their Cheerios in milk? Cereal Killers
on the next, Sick Sad

(She clicks the TV off. The phone rings)

Daria: Hello?

Jane: Yo.

Daria: What's up?

Jane: Just listening to Trent practice his newly discovered chords.

Daria: Oh.

Jane: So, you coming over after school tomorow to help me bake?

Daria: Help? Watch, yeah.

Jane: You might as well spend the night. I have my grandmother's
nightgown waiting for you.

Daria: Funny. I already asked my mom about spending the night. Atually
I told her I was.

Jane: You put a lot of faith in my asking you to stay over.

Darua: Call it psychic powers. I'll see you tomorow.

Jane: Later.

(Cut to them the next day at lunch)

Daria: So, what exactly are we going to bake?

Jane: Chocolate chip cookies.

Daria: That's original.

Jane: It's also easy and cheap.

Daria: So is Brittany.

(Jodie walks up to them)

Jodie: Hi guys.

Daria: Um, hi.

Jodie: Are you baking anything for the bake sale?

Jane: Yeah.

Jodie: That's good. I like when you guys participate. I'll bet you
have fun and do a good job.

Daria: Out with it. What do you want?

Jodie: Ok, I need some more volunteers to work at tables tomorrow.

Daria: Why don't you just ask Kevin and Brittany.

Jodie: Because Kevin would eat everything and then probably steal the

Jane: If he remembered to collect it in the first place.

Daria: But Brittany could probably come up with some cookie cheer to
make people buy stuff.

Jodie: So will you guys help me out?

Daria: I don't tihnk I want to spend my Saturday at school.

Jodie: Please.

Daria: Fine.

Jane: I'll get Jesse and Trent to come, too.

Daria: Why?

Jane: Why not? It's not like thay have anything better to do. Besides
it'll give you some quality time

Daria (glaring): Ok, ok.

Jodie: Thanks guys. (she walks off)

Daria: Remind me to kill you by suffocating you with cookie dough.

(Cut to them in the Lane's kitchen)

Daria: How many do we have to make?

Jane: 500.

Daria: I think we should burn them all and tell everybody that we made
dark chocolate, chocolate
chip cookies.

Jane: You and your passive aggressiveness.

Daria: I don't think that would be very passive.

(Trent walks in)

Trent: Janey, what are you doing? Oh, hey, Daria.

Daria: Hi.

Jane: We're making cookies.

Trent: For what?

Jane: For you. It was Daria's idea.

Trent: Really?

Jane: No. It's for the bake sale tomorrow at school.

Trent: Oh. Bummer.

Jane: Don't worry. We'll give you all the broken ones if.....

Trent: If what?

Jane: You and Jesse come tomorrow and help out.

Trent: No way.

Jane: Come on. Daria and I need somebody to talk to. Besides, we
helped you with the flea

Trent: Ok, fine.

Jane: Cool. Why don't you stick around and help. You'd like that,
wouldn't you, Daria?

Daria: Um, the more the merrier?

Trent: Cool.

(Jane is already mixing and making cookies)

Jane: Daria, why don't you and Trent get out another mixing bowl and
make some more batter.

Daria: Um, ok.

Trent: Hey, Janey.

Jane: Yo?

Trent: You have flour on your face.

Jane: So do you.

Trent: But I haven't even touched the flour....(She throws some flour
on him)

Trent (coughing): Hey! (He throws some back at her. She throws some
more and it gets on Daria.
Daria gets them both)

Daria: Maybe we should stop.

Jane: Why?

Daria: Because we have to clean up afterwards.

(Jane and Trent stop and look at her. Then they both throw flour at
her. Somebody knocks on the

Trent: That must be Jesse.

Jane: He must have smelled the cookies all the way from his house.

Trent: Actually he was supposed to come over so we could practice.

(Since nobody answers the door, Jesse comes in)

Jesse: Hello?

Jane: We're in the kitchen.

Jesse: What a mess.

Daria: Yeah. You can clean it up.

Jesse: No way.

(Trent throws flour at Jesse. Jesse throws some but misses and hits
Daria. Daria and Trent get him
back. Jane gets Trent. Daria gets Jane. Jane gets Daria. Trent gets

Jane: All right, enough. We have to get these cookies done.

(They continue making cookies. After a while Trent goes and gets his

Jane: Are you going to serenade us?

Trent: Thought that this might give me an idea for a song.

Jane: You could call it flour power.

Trent (singing): When you throw flour, it's like having power. In a
white powdery storm. We
emerge in ghostlike form.

Daria: Not quite as powerful as Icebox Woman. But it has meaning.

Jane: I dare you to play that at your next gig.

Tent: Are you kidding? We'd be laughed off the stage after 5 minutes.

Jane: Instead of the usual 10?

Jesse: This cookie dough is really good.

Jane: Stop eating it.

Jesse: Why?

Daria: Cause the dough has raw egg. Raw egg can have salmonella.
Salmonella has the power to
kill you.

Jesse: Bummer. It's still good, though (He eats some more)

Daria: Don't we have a batch of cookies in the oven?

Jane: Dammit! (she runs over to the oven and pulls out burnt cookies)

Jane: Oh well. You always burn the first batch. I think it's the law.

Jesse: Hey, they still look edible. If you don't want them....

Jane: They're yours.

Jesse: Cool. Ouch! They're hot.

Daria: They just came out of the oven. The HOT oven.

Trent (eating cookie dough): Jesse's right. This stuff is good. Maybe
you should just sell the dough.

Jane: And risk killing hundreds of people?

Daria: Maybe he's on to something.

Jane: Jesse, did Trent tell you that you guys are helping Daria and I
out at the bake sale

Jesse: No. Cool.

Jane: What, no objections?

Jesse: Its not like I have anything better to do.

Trent: What time do we have to get there?

Jane: 6.

Trent: 6?! Deals off, Janey.

Jane: Relax. I just wanted to see that face you make when you think
you have to get up early in
the morning. It's so cute, isn't it, Daria?

Daria: Um, yeah. We don't have to be there till 11.

Trent: Oh. 11?

Jane: And don't stay up all night. You'll probably end up falling
asleep with your face buried in a
cake if you do.

Trent: Cool. Hey, Daria, are you spending the night tonight?

Daria: Yeah. I'd rather be tortured by Jane than my family.

Trent: Heh. Why don't we rent a movie for tonight? We've already got
plenty of snacks.

Jane: Sounds good. Trent why don't you and Daria go to the movie store
while Jesse and I stay
and finish up here.

Daria: Are you sure you can manage without me?

Jane: Of course. Are you sure you can manage to pick out a halfway
decent movie without me?

Daria: Don't you trust me?

Trent: We'll get a good movie. You coming, Daria?

Daria: Yeah. But I think I'm going to go change my clothes first. I
don't want people to be able to
track me down from my trail of flour.

Trent: Good idea.

(Cut to them wearing different clothes)

Jane: Hey, Trent, isn't that the shirt Daria made for you?

Trent: Um, yeah.

Jane: I thought you only wore that while you were sleeping.

Trent (glaring): Well you thought wrong, Janey.

(Cut to them in the Tank)

Daria: So you have this thing again?

Trent: Yeah, the drummer doesn't use it much. Besides my car is at the

Daria: You know, you don't have to wear that shirt just to make me
think you like it.

Trent: I know. It's comfortable. I like it. Really.

Daria: Ok.

Trent: So what's the bake sale for?

Daria: Ms. Li said it was for library books. But I think it's really
for a judge's podium. Complete
with a gavel.

Trent (laugh/cough combo): I remember having to do fundraisers. I got
suspended five times for
not participating in them.

Daria: Heh. I don't understand why they punish you by throwing you out
of school. A more
extreme punishment would be making you come for extra hours.

Trent: That's for sure.

Daria: But I guess the real punishment is dealing with your parents.

Trent: I never really had that problem.

(They pull up to the movie store. Cut to them looking at movies)

Daria: Hmm, mindless killing, mindless sex, mindless mind. You finding
anything, Trent?

Trent: Um, how about this?

Daria: Gattaca? I've heard of that.

Trent: Want to get it?

Daria: Considering our other choice is Titanic, yes.

(Cut back to them at the Lane's)

Jane: So what did you get?

Daria: Gattaca. Did you finish the cookies?

Jane: Yeah. Gattaca? I've been wanting to see that.

(They go into the living room.)

Jane: Jesse why don't you and I take that couch and leave the other
one for Trent and Daria.

Jesse: Cool.

(Jane puts the movie in. They all sit down. Daria sits as far away
from Trent as she can manage.
Trent looks somewhat uncomfortable)

Jane: Jesse, is it all right if I lean on you? I'm really tired from
all that baking.

Jesse: Cool. Oh wait. We forgot the cookies. Will you get them, Jane?

Jane: I'm not your maid.

Daria: I'll get them.

Jesse: Could you get me a glass of milk, too?

Daria (sarcastically): Would you like a straw and a miniature umbrella
with that?

Jesse (unaware of her sarcasm): Sure

(Daria shoots Jane a "I can't beleive you like this guy" look)

Daria: Trent, would you like some milk, too?

Jane: Why don't you help her? I'll stop the movie. Wouldn't want you
guys to miss the coming

(Trent follows Daria into the kitchen.)

Daria: Thanks for helping, Trent.

Trent: No problem. You shouldn't have to do it. You're the guest.

Daria: I practically live here most of the time.

Trent: Yeah. Guess you do. (he smiles)

(They return with the milk and cookies. Daria hands Jesse his milk)

Jesse: Where's the umbrella?

( Jane starts the movie again)

Jesse: Jane, will you hand me a cookie?

Daria: Quiet, I'm going to miss the FBI warning.

Jane: Oh, I feel special. This movie has been formatted to fit my TV

(Cut to them watching the movie. Jane is leaning against Jesse. Jesse
is eating cookies. Daria has
relaxed a little. She steals glances at Trent every once in a while.
One time Trent looks up and
catches her eye. He smiles. Daria looks away and blushes. Fortunately
for her it's dark and Trent
can't see her blushing)

(Cut to the movie ending)

Jane: That was a good movie.

Daria: Yeah. In the future somebody is outcast for something which he
has no control over. Much
like today's high schools.

Jane: Except he finally got into the elite group.

Daria: Only by pretending to be somebody he wasn't.

Jane: You're right. It is just like high school.

Daria: Funny thing is, he still had his brain, and his mind; just
somebody else's name. Guess that's
just how the world works. It was his dream to get in.

Jane: So are you saying, that if it was our dream, we could join the
fashion club?

Daria: Yeah. But it'd be more like my nightmare.

Jane: I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

(They look at the boys who have fallen asleep since the movie ended)

Daria: Looks like they won't have any trouble sleeping.

Jane: Amazing. Wide awake to fast asleep in 60 seconds flat. It's a
wonder they stayed awake
through the movie.

Daria: It's a wonder that Jesse didn't eat all of our cookies.

Jane: It's a wonder you didn't drown in a puddle of drool from looking
at Trent.

Daria: I hate you.

Jane: I know, I know. Let's get these boys some blankets so they don't
freeze to death.

(They get Trent and Jesse some blankets. When Daria covers Trent she
smiles just a little bit. She
stops and stares at him. He lets out a little snore and she snaps out
of her little trance)

Jane: I hate when he snores.

Daria: Doesn't bother me.

Jane: Of course not.

Daria: (threateningly) Remember, I know where you sleep.

Jane: Yeah, on the bed. While you suffer on the floor.

(Cut to the next morning. Jane is just waking up)

Jane: Daria, wake up.

Daria: What time is it?

Jane: 9:30.

Daria: I guess that is a suitable time.

(They go downstairs.)

Jane: Oh, this is funny.

(Cut to Trent and Jesse still asleep. Trent has fallen on the floor)

Jane: Wake up you two. (She goes over to Jesse) Daria, wake Trent up.

(Daria goes over to Trent)

Daria: Trent. Wake up, Trent.

(She leans over and nudges him)

Trent (Still asleep) No, no more cookies. Daria, make her stop. (Daria
nudges him again) (He sits
up and wakes up fully. He looks embarrassed for a moment): Oh, hey
Daria. What time is it?

Jane: It's 9:30. (smirking) Having a good dream, Trent?

Trent: You were force feeding me cookies.

Jane: And you wanted Daria to save you?

Trent (mumbling): I don't really remember.

Jesse: My tummy hurts.

Jane: Probably because you ate more than half the cookies on the
platter last night. What do you
guys want for breakfast?

Jesse: I could go for some more cookies.

Trent: I don't think that will help your stomach, Jess. How about
french toast?

Jane: Fine.

(Cut to the four eating french toast)

Jesse: This is really good, Jane. You're a great cook.

Jane: It's the sugar coated exlax I put on the bread.

Daria: You'll make a great housewife.

Jane: No way.

(Cut to them in the school gym. Jodie is running arouund trying to
organize everything.)

Jodie: Jane! Daria! I'm so glad you guys made it.

Daria: Um, yeah, us too.

Jane: This is my brother, Trent. And his friend, Jesse.

Jodie: Nice to meet you. Ok, you'll be working table 5. That's the
cookie table. I'll send whoever
comes with cookies over to you guys.

Jesse: Do we get to test the cookies? Ya know, make sure they're all

Jodie: Um, no. Hey, since there are four of you, do you think you
could run table 6 also? (Not
waiting for an answer) Thanks.

Daria: I guess we are then.

Jodie: Table 6 is the pound, angel food, and sponge cake table. (She
starts walking away)

Jane: What, how much do we charge?

Jodie: The prices are on the tables.

(Cut to Quinn and the fashion club at a table. They only have 1 table
even though there are 4 of
them. For obvious reasons)

Sandi: Like, I just know people are going to love what we made.

Stacy: Yeah, they are so good.

Sandi: But they are like, so fattening. Hey, Quinn, isn't that your
cousin or whatever over there?

Quinn: Yeah, I wonder what she's doing here.

Tiffany: Like anybody would buy something from her. Who are those two
guys with her?

Quinn: One is her weirdo friend's brother. He has a major crush on me
but I told him I wasn't
interested. I don't know the other guy.

Stacy: The other guy is cute.

Tiffany: Really cute.

Sandi: But leather is like so out. We should go tell him.

Quinn: Um, I don't think that's neccessary.

Sandi: As members of the fashion club, it's our duty to help the
fashion illiterate. Stacy, you and
Quinn stay here and watch the table while Tiffany and I go over there.

(Quinn turns white)

(Cut back to Daria's table)

Jane: Uh oh, I think we are about to be attacked by the brain dead

(Tiffany and Sandi approach)

Sandi: Um, Hi, Quinn's cousin or whatever and Quinn's cousin or
whatever's little friends, or

Trent: Huh?

Jane: What do you want? Are you here to judge how cute the cookies are?

Sandi: No, we came to talk to him. (She indicates Jesse)

Jane (semi-suspiciously): Jesse? Why?

Sandi: None of your business. So, Jesse or whatever is that your name?

Jesse: Um, yeah.

Tiffany: Cool name.

Sandi: We came to like tell you that leather is out this month.

Tiffany: So, are you like in college?

(Jesse just stares blankly at them)

Sandi: Hello, we are like talking to you.

Jesse: Um, yeah.

Sandi: Can't you say anything else?

Jesse: Um, yeah.

Sandi: I should have known you were weird. You like hang out with
Quinn's cousin or whoever.
Come on Tiffany, let's go.

(They leave. Jesse looks confused. Daria looks semi-embarrassed by
Sandi's insult. She looks at
Trent shyly. Trent looks pretty oblivious)

Jesse: What was that all about?

Jane: They ventured from afar, to tell you that your outfit is

Jesse: Oh. Who's Quinn's cousin?

Daria: They meant me. Quinn tells everybody that I'm her cousin.

Jesse: Who's Quinn?

Trent: Daria's half-wit sister, who never shuts up.

Jesse: Who were they?

Jane: The fashion club.

Trent: Daria's sister is in the fashion club. I don't know how anybody
so dumb can be related to

Daria (blushing): My whole family is pretty bad, Jesse. I'm pretty
sure I'm adopted. I'm waiting for
the official papers to come.

Jesse: Cool. Does anybody have any money? I want to buy something.

Jane: Daria, why don't you stay here with Trent and watch the table
while Jesse and I go look

Daria: So you're going to make us do the dirty work.

Jane: If that's what you want to call it.

(Jane and Jesse walk off. A Lady in spandex comes up snapping her gum.
She doesn't look like
the smartest cookie on the block)

Lady: Are these low fat?

Daria: Not exactly, but I'll tell you what. I'll take take half the
cookies out of the bag, then there
will be 50% less fat.

Lady: Wow. Deal. (She gives Daria the money)

Trent (amazed): I can't believe you sold half a bag of cookies for
full price.

Daria: Pretty sneaky of me.

Trent: What do we do with the other 20 cookies?

Daria: We eat them. Free food.

Trent: Now you're talking.

(Trent looks at her like she is God of the world. She blushes and
breaks eye contact)

(Jane and Jesse come back. Jesse is eating a cream puff)

Jane: You aren't supposed to be eating our merchandise, Trent.

Daria: It's paid for.

Jane: You bought some of our own food?

Trent: No. Daria tricked some lady into paying full price for half a

Jane: I wish I could have seen that.

Jesse: That cream puff was good. I'm full. Hey, can I have cookie?

Trent: Janey, it's your turn to watch the tables. Come on Daria, let's
go look around. (They walk

Trent: I wish I was as quick a thinker as you are.

Daria: Um, thanks. But you are great at writing songs.

Trent: I guess.

Daria: Really, you put a lot of work into your band.

Trent: Yeah, it means a lot to me. I don't care if people say it's

Daria: Speaking of stupid, we are approaching my sister's table.

(Cut to the fashion club)

Sandi: Isn't that like your cousin or something coming over here?

Quinn: Oh no! She is with that guy who likes me.

Daria: How goes the candy sales?

Quinn: Why aren't you over with your loser friends? And you, Tim or
whoever, I thought I told
you I didn't like you.

Trent: Um, what?

Stacy (to Trent): Would you like a free sample?

Trent: I guess so.

Daria: Well, we were just browsing. See you at home. SIS.

(Daria and Trent walk away, Quinn has her mouth open in disgust)

Quinn: Ugh!

Sandi: I thought she was your cousin.

Quinn: She *is* my cousin. See, she has this, um, amnesia or
something. She forgets who people
are. She's seeing a doctor.

Sandi: Oooooh, cause lying is like an impeachable offense.

Quinn: I would never lie to you, Sandi.

Tiffany: She is so weird. And what's with that Tim guy?

Stacy: I dunno. I think he was kind of cute.

(The other three look at her as though she is completely crazy)

Sandi: Are you kidding?

Stacy (nervously): Um, yeah, I was kidding, hehehe.

(Cut to Trent and Daria)

Trent: Those girls are weird.

Daria: Brain dead is more like it.

Trent: Well, I guess we should get back and help Janey and Jesse.

(They walk back over to the tables. Jane and Jesse look bored)

Daria: How's business?

Jane: What business?

Jesse: I'm hungry.

Jane: Have a cookie.

Jesse: No, for real food. Trent let's go get something from Burger

Daria: I thought you wanted real food.

Jane: Bring us back something, too.

Trent: Got any money?

Daria: Here (she gives him 10 bucks). My treat. I want some french

Trent: Um, thanks Daria. I owe you one then.

Daria (smiles a bit): Yeah, next time.

(Trent and Jesse leave)

Jane: So how's your quality time with Trent been?

Daria: Unsurprisingly uneventful. You still trying to get Jesse to be
your love slave?

Jane: You bet.

Daria: Let me guess. He's not getting the message.

Jane: And I thought my brother was oblivious.

Daria: Why do you like him?

Jane: Why do you like my brother?

Daria: I don't know.

Jane: I don't know either. Let's blame it on insanity.

Daria: Agreed.

(Upchuck comes over)

Upchuck: Good afternoon, ladies. Care to show me your sweets?

Daria: Our bitter sweets.

Upchuck: Care to give a free sample?

Jane: Only if you pay for it.

Upchuck: You know what goes good with cookies? Whipped cream.

Jane: You know who likes whipped cream?

Upchuck: Who?

Jane: The fashion club. They are a bunch of whipped cream squirting
gals. You should have seen
them at their last slumber party.

Upchuck: Rowllll, fiesty, see you later ladies. (He walks towards the
fashion club)

(Daria's dad walks in, looking lost. He sees Daria and heads over)

Jake: Hey, kiddo!

Daria: Dad, what are you doing here?

Jake: Well, I wanted something to eat and I remembered something about
a bake sale. (to Jane):
Hey Jane, wassup?

Jane: Oh, nothing much. Just eagerly awaiting the sale of these baked
goods so I can get the hell
out of here.

Jake: Cool. So what're you selling, Kiddo?

Daria: Cookies. We've also got pound, angel food, and sponge cake
which as far as I can tell are
all the same thing.

Jake: I'll buy a bag of cookies. (He pays for a bag): See you girls
later. (He turns to leave)

Daria: Wait Dad, aren't you going to stop by Quinn's table?

Jake: Quinn's here, too?

Daria: Uh huh. She'd be delighted to see you.

Jake: All right! I can get some more food, too!

(Cut to him approaching the fashion club)

Quinn: Oh, no.

Jake: Hey, kiddo!

Quinn: Daddy, what are you doing here?

Jake: Wanted to stop by and get something for the stomach. Whatcha

Quinn: We made these really cute bon bons.

Jake: You made them? I'll take a dozen. (He pays and leaves)

Sandi: That was like nice of your dad to buy our food.

Tiffany: Really nice.

Sandi: Of course, *I* gave my parents free samples.

Quinn: Um, my dad likes supporting the school.

Sandi: If you say so, Quinn.

(Cut back to Daria and Jane sitting on the bleachers behind their

Jane: This sucks.

(Monique from "Pierce Me" comes in)

Monique: Jane Lane? Is that you?

Jane: I guess so.

Monique: Remember me? Monique. I played in a band with Trent.

Jane: Oh, yeah.

Monique (to Daria): I remember you from Axle's. Daria, right?

Daria: Um, yeah.

Monique: How's that belly button ring?

Daria: It closed up.

Monique: Too bad. It happens a lot. I'm looking for some snacks for my
niece. She's coming into
town this weekend.

Jane: Well, you've come to the right place.

Monique: I think I'll go with these. (She pays): Tell your brother I
said hi! Thanks.

Jane: Right. I'll be sure he gets that message.

Daria (trying to sound casual): Did Trent and her ever date?

Jane: Nope. Actually I think she is a lesbian.

Daria (looking relieved): Oh.

(Trent and Jesse come back in,)

Trent: Hey, we got the food.

Jane: Things are really slow.

Daria: I wouldn't buy food that my classmates baked.

Jane: Can you imagine eating something made by Kevin and Brittany?

(Jodie comes over)

Jodie: Hey guys. How is it going?

Daria: Fine, I guess. We're on a lunch break. Want something?

Jodie: Sure, I forgot my lunch.

Jane: So, where's Mack?

Jodie: At home. He's sick.

Daria: Sick of school fundraisers probably.

Jodie: No, he has the flu.

Jane: You mean, he BETTER have the flu.

Jodie: So, Trent, Jesse, you used to come here right?

Jane: They attended a few classes when their schedules premitted it.

Trent: Yeah, we came here. I have a feeling I would have shown up more
if Daria was there. I'd of
loved to see her deal with the teachers.

(Daria blushes. Jodie notices this and gives her an understanding look)

Jodie: Yeah, Daria is something else. Uh oh (she looks across the gym
and walks off)

Jane: The German and French pastries must have gotten into a fight.

Daria: Jane, kill me if I ever get that involved with anything.

Jane: Anything. Smart of you not to say anyone. (She glances at Trent)

(Daria glares)

Jesse: Hey, Daria, are you going to eat those fries.

Daria (relieved that Jesse broke the silence): Here, help yourself.

Jesse: Cool.

Jane: I'm bored. Can we go home yet?

Daria: We only have 5 bags of cookies left.

Jane: Yeah, and three cakes.

(Cut to the fashion club. Joey, Jeffy and Jamie have arrived)

Quinn: Hi, Joey, Jeffy, Jimmy.

Joey: Hi, Quinn.

Jeffy: You look hot.

Jamie: It's Jamie. What's up?

Quinn: Oh, nothing special. Just been sitting here all day.

Joey: I'll buy whatever you're selling.

Jeffy: Me too!

Jamie: Did you make it?

Sandi: We ALL made it.

Joey: Can I buy some?

Quinn: Well since I made them, I don't want to eat them, too. Maybe
you guys could find
something else to buy me.

Joey: I'll go look.

Jeffy: Me too!

Jamie: I'll look hardest.

(They walk off in search of something for Quinn)

Sandi: Quinn, you just talked them out of buying our stuff.

Quinn: But they were going to buy it for me. I don't want them to buy
me what I made.

Sandi: Are you saying you don't like our bon bons?

Quinn: No, of course not. It's just that I wanted others to be able to
enjoy our cooking.

Sandi: Well, you better get somebody else to buy some.

Sandi and Tiffany: Yeah!

(Cut to the three J's approaching Daria's table)

Jane: Hello. Joey, Jeffy, Jamie.

Jamie: How come only brains can remember my name?

Joey: We're looking for something for Quinn.

Jeffy: Can you help us, Daria?

Daria: Yes. Quinn really likes sponge, angel food, and pound cake.

Joey: I'll get her one

Jeffy: No, me!

Jamie: I want to!

Daria: Relax, there are 3 left. You can each get her one.

Joey: Ok.

Daria: But what about the rest of the fashion club?

Jeffy: We just wanted to get something for Quinn.

Jane (seeing that Daria is trying to get rid of the rest of their
stuff): Yes, but if you get something for
Quinn's friends it will be just like getting something for Quinn, only

Jamie: What have you got?

Daria: Cookies, 5 bags.

Joey: But aren't there only 3 fashion club members besides, Quinn?

Daria: Yes, but you could give Quinn the other two bags. You want to
let her know that you like
her most.

Jeffy: Alright!

(The 3 J's buy the rest of their stuff)

Jane: Well that's all of it.

Trent: Another amazing feat by Daria.

Jane: What about me? I helped.

Trent: Ok, and Jane.

(Cut to the 3 J's back at the fashion club's table)

Joey: Here Quinn, I got you a cake.

Jeffy: Me too!

Jamie: Mine's the best.

Quinn: Um, thanks you guys.

Joey: We all chipped in and got you these bags of cookies too, Quinn.

Sandi: Gee, Quinn, it would be too bad if you got fat from eating all

Jamie: Here, we got these bags of cookies for you, Mandi, Stacy,

Sandi: It's Sandi.

Jamie: Whatever.

Quinn: Guys, that's really sweet of you and all, but would you like
buy some stuff we made too,
for yourselves? It would mean so much to me.

Joey: Yes.

Jeffy: Anything for you.

Jamie: Here's my money.

(Cut to the 3 J's leaving arms full of stuff)

Quinn: See, I got them to almost buy us out.

Tiffany: Yeah, good job, Quinn.

Stacy: Wow Quinn, you are so smart.

(Sandi glares)

(Cut back to Daria's table)

Jane: Guess we can leave now.

Daria: Yeah, now we can go home and be bored.

Jane: But we'll be in control of our boredom.

Daria: You just keep telling yourself that.

(They start getting their stuff. Mr. DiMartino comes up)

Trent: Um, hi Mr. D.

DiMartino: Ah, if it isn't Trent Lane, the boy who could sleep through
anything. What brings you
back to this DAYCARE FACILITY we call school?

Trent: Uh, I was helping with the bake sale. My sister and Daria
wanted me to.

DiMartino: You would help out at a bake sale now but wouldn't even
attend CLASS when you
were enROLLED here? You must either have a strong relationship with
your sibling, or be here to
satisfy you raging male HORMONES by spending time with your younger
sister's companion.

(Trent looks lost. When he realizes what Mr. DiMartino meant, he looks
embarrassed. Well, as
embarrassed as Trent can look. Daria looks kind of shocked, mixed with

Trent: Um, Janey and I are really close Mr.D.

DiMartino: Goodbye, Trent. I will leave without EMBARRASSING you any
further. See you in
class on Monday, Jane, Daria. (He leaves in a huff)

Trent: Let's get out of here before I see another teacher.

Jesse: Glad he didn't decide to pick on me.

Trent: He probably didn't recognize you with your hair grown out.

Jane: Nah, he probably saw another student to terrorize. That, and he
probably wanted to get out
of here before Daria had time to come up with a come back.

(Cut to the four of them in the Tank. Daria and Jane are in the back,

Jane: So, what did you think of DiMartino's little speach?

Daria: I was hoping I would explode from embarrassment and take him

Jane: Trent actually blushed. Maybe he does like you.

Daria: Right.

Jane: You sure you don't want to come over?

Daria: Of course I want to. But my mom has other plans in store for me.

(They pull up to the Morgendorffer residence. Daria gets out)

Daria: Bye.

Trent: See you later. Oh, and Daria?

Daria: Yes?

Trent (gives an evil but serious grin): Give Mr. DiMartino Hell for me
on Monday.

(Cut to credits and alter-egos. Um let's see. How about the song
"Closing Time" 'cause it's the
only one I can think of ~N)

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.

Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.

Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or

Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.

Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you
sisters come.

So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have
found a

friend. Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other
beginning's end.