by: Candice Gliniecki
Scene 1- Daria and Jane are walking through the halls of Lawndale High.
Posters advertising the Prom are everywhere. They stop at their
lockers, and Jodie comes over. Jodie is carrying a notebook and pen.
Jodie: Daria, Jane, what do you want the prom colors to be? I'm head
of the prom committee.
Jane: Clear and transparent.
Daria: I'm not going.
Jodie: You're not going to the prom? Everyone else is going.
Jane: I'm not.
Jodie: Oh, you guys have to go to the prom! It'll be fun! We have a
lot of really good ideas this year!
Daria: As opposed to last year when you had really bad ideas. Didn't
half of the Senior class show up drunk out of their minds?
Jodie: Well, I just really think you guys should go. You'll wish you
did when you're older.
Jane: I'm already older. I think the prom is just a commercial gimmick
to get teen-agers' parents to buy expensive clothes that they'll only
Daria: Yeah. I can't imagine anything being worth missing Sick Sad
World over. It's their five year anniversary special.
Jane: Definitely can't miss that.
Scene 2- Daria's house. The family is sitting around the table as
Quinn: Mom, can I borrow $1,000?
Jake: $1,000!!!!! (spits out coffee)
Daria: (sarcastic) By the way, I need to borrow $10,000 for a really
"cute" little dress I found.
Jake: $10,000!!! (he knocks the coffee cup to the floor and it smashes
into a billion tiny pieces)
Helen: Daria was only kidding. Weren't you, Daria?
Daria: (mumbles) um, yeah
Quinn: But I wasn't kidding, Mom! I found the cutest little dress.
Quinn: Jeffy asked me to the prom, and there is this one dress that is
soooo cute on me! I just have to have it! Ricky says it's his favorite
color, especially on me.
Helen: I'm sure you can find a less expensive dress in that same color,
Quinn: Sure, at the thrift shop! Mom, I need that dress!
Daria: Just like you 'need' those new shoes and 'need' a new
subscription to Fashion Magazine.
Helen: I don't see why you want to go to the prom anyway. Usually,
people wait until they're older. Daria, what are you planning on doing
for the prom?
Daria: I'm not going to the prom.
Helen: Oh Daria! Why not?
Daria: I want to save you a thousand dollars. Maybe I could save it
for something really important. Like a college education.
Jake: You know, she has a point.
Helen: (glares at Jake) Don't be silly! Of course you can go to the
prom! I remember my prom. (she sighs and begins to reminisce)
Everything was all so lovely. I went there with Jake, and ...
Jake: No you didn't! I was out of town that night! You told me you
wouldn't go if I couldn't go.
Helen: Um, anyway, you really should go.
Daria: No. Besides, I'll miss the 5 year anniversary of Sick Sad
Helen: We'll tape the show, Daria. And you are going to the prom, and
I'll pay for your dress. You'll thank me when you're older.
Daria (in her head): Where have I heard that before?
Daria (out loud): No, Mom, I really don't want to go.
Quinn: If Daria doesn't want to go, then she shouldn't go. I don't
mind at all! Can I use the money she would use on a dress to buy mine?
Daria (in her head): Hmm. Opportunity to further embarrass my sister,
Quinn. I'll hate myself if I miss it.
Daria (out loud): Wait, you're right, Mom. I couldn't possibly miss
the prom. It's such a wonderful opportunity to make even more fond
memories of my increasingly fewer high school years.
Quinn: MOM!! Daria doesn't really want to go.
Helen: (ignores Quinn) Great! Maybe you can go shopping with your
friends tomorrow morning! Only a week left you know.
Daria: (mumbles) Oh, God, I know.
Scene 3- Daria's room. She's on the phone with Jane.
Daria: So, my Mom says 'you'll thank me when you're older,' and there's
no getting out of it.
Jane: You're actually going to the prom. Daria, Daria, Daria. What
ever happened to your values?
Daria: You mean WE're going to the prom.
Jane: Oh no. I'm not going shopping for a big frilly dress unless I
absolutely have to.
Daria: I'm taping the show, and you can come over to watch it later.
Jane: You can't buy me that easily.
Daria: Quinn will be there.
Jane: Hmmm. Why didn't you say so in the first place?
Scene 4- Pauline's Dress-O-Rama. Daria and Jane are surrounded by big
Jane: Oh, this place gives me the creeps. I think I'm allergic to
Daria: Where to start, where to start. (looks over isle after isle of
pastel lacy dresses)
Pauline: (jumps out from behind a display and scares the living ****
out of Daria and Jane) Hello! My name's Pauline! How can I help you
Daria: We're looking for a prom dress.
Jane: Actually, we're looking for two. (pretends to whisper to
Pauline) She can't share. (points her thumb at Daria)
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
Pauline: Oh, you'd look lovely in this! (holds up a red sparkly dress
that is very VERY short)
Daria: Got anything a little more conservative?
Jane: Wait. I think I like that one. (takes the dress and glances at
the price tag. She immediately hands it back.) Got anything on sale?
Pauline: (agitated) Yes, yes. But you wouldn't want any of those.
Besides, none of the PROM dresses are on sale.
Jane: Then which DRESSES are on sale?
Pauline: Those dresses. (wrinkles her nose and points at a rack WAY on
the other side of the store)
(Sure enough, all of the dress are dark plain colors, and a huge sign
reading "Funeral Dress Sale 75% off" sits above it.")
Daria: (whispers to Jane) I think we found our dresses.
Jane: Right you are, my friend. (walks over to dress racks)
(Each girl picks off a dress and grins as she looks at the price tag.
Daria chooses a long black one, and Jane grabs an old fashioned black
one complete with hat, veil, and gloves.)
Jane: Hmm, going to a prom is a lot like going to a funeral, I guess.
Daria: I'm really getting tired of this place. How about we just buy
the dresses without trying them on?
Jane: Great plan.
Scene 5- Fashion Edge Prom & Bridal. Quinn is there with the rest of
the Fashion Club.
Quinn: Can you believe my mom won't let me get this dress? (holds up a
pale pink frilly dress)
Sandy: That is so terrible for you Quinn. It's just so cute. We wish
we could help you, but the Fashion Club doesn't have the funds to help
someone who is already as cute as you.
Quinn: I know.
(A young-looking guy walks by and catches the attention of every FC
Quinn: Excuse me, sir. Do you work here?
Boy: (nervous) Yeah, but it's my first day. My name is Bret. My
father owns the shop, and he always thought I was too young until now.
Quinn: (flirty) But you look so...mature! (Bret blushes) My name is
Quinn. Do you like this dress?
Bret: Well, yeah. On you, I mean.
Quinn: I'm going to the prom, and I need that dress. (Bret raises his
eyebrows and looks confused.) Can I have it?
Bret: Well, if you pay for it.
Quinn: Is there any way I could have a teensy little discount on it?
Bret: I don't know.
Quinn: Come on! What's the worst your dad could do?
Quinn: He can't fire his own son!
Bret: Um, how much do you want to pay for it?
Scene 6- Daria's house. Daria unwillingly models her new dress for
Helen: Daria, where did you get that dress? The funeral parlor?
Daria: Do you really want me to return this fifty dollar dress?
Jake: (looks up from reading the paper) It's a beautiful dress! I love
Helen: Well, as long as you like it.
Daria: Trust me, I like it.
Quinn: (enters room and looks at Daria's outfit) Ug! You're not
wearing that thing, are you? Where did you get that? Pauline's
Daria: Actually, yes.
Quinn: Oh my God! The Fashion Club is boycotting that store because it
doesn't carry our favorite brand! This is terrible! Besides, my dress
is much better, and I got it for less than what you paid, I'm sure.
Daria: Oh? You paid less than fifty for your thousand dollar dress?
Quinn: Okay, I didn't spend under fifty, but I only spent seventy-five.
(Daria raises her eyebrows.)
Helen: How did you get such a good deal on that dress Quinn?
Quinn: (laughs) Um, I guess I'm just lucky.
Scene 7- Jane's room. Daria is wearing her new dress, and her hair is
pulled up for the occasion. Jane is putting on her veil and gloves.
Daria: I guess we can't bail out now. Is your mom still letting us
borrow the car?
Jane: Transmissions dead. We'll have to use (lowers her voice
omnimously) The Tank.
Daria: (groans) You're kidding.
Jane: Trent borrowed it for the weekend, and there's no way he'll let
us use his car now that he found out what insurance really costs.
Scene 8- Lawndale High School. Daria and Jane show up in The Tank, and
a few people stop to laugh at it. They sit around for a while.
Jane: What are you waiting for? Get out of the car.
Daria: No, I think you should go first.
Jane: Nope, I think you should go first. I had to drive this THING.
Besides, you're the one who wanted to come.
Daria: Oh, no I...
(She is interupted when Upchuck approaches the van.)
Upchuck: Well, well! Look who showed up in the 'Love Wagon!' Plenty
of room in the back, isn't there? Feeling frisky, ladies?
(Jane looks at Daria and mouths 'Love Wagon.' Daria fights back a
Upchuck: May I have the pleasure of escorting you fine young ladies
into the prom?
Daria: I don't think we have much choice do we.
Upchuck: Oh, Daria! (tiger-growl thing)
(Daria rolls her eyes, and Jane gets a huge smile on her face.)
Scene 9- Inside the gym. The entire place is covered in plastic wrap
and clear balloons.
Jane: What's with all the cellophane? (Upchuck gets excited.)
(Jodie and Mack walk over to them.)
Jodie: Hi, Jane, Daria.....Upchuck. Oh, the prom committee loved your
clear and transparent idea!
Jane: (raises one eyebrow) Really?
(Brittany and Kevin are hurrying by, and Brittany is really angry.)
Brittany: I told you that I'm wearing peach. I told you!
Kevin: Hey babe, I know.
Brittany: Then why did you wear a lime green tuxedo? (She burst into
tears, and starts running towards the restrooms. Kevin runs after her,
but he slows down when he realizes he can't follow her inside.)
Jodie: Upchuck, do you have the votes for prom king and queen ready
Upchuck: Yes, but I'll give them to you at the perfect moment so even
you'll be surprised. (holds up an evelope labled "Prom Royalty")
(Jodie and Mack go off to dance, and Daria turns to Upchuck.)
Daria: (to Upchuck) You're in charge of king and queen?
Upchuck: I sure am, Sweetie. (Daria cringes.)
Jane: (turns to Daria) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Upchuck: Oh yeah, grrrorrwww!
Jane: (angry) I wasn't talking to you! Go get us some punch or
Upchuck: Alright, ladies. (He accidentally leaves the evelope on the
table, and starts heading toward the punch.) Feisty!
Daria: This is so perfect. I can feel the memories already.
Jane: You'll have to thank your mother now that you're older.
Scene 10- It's the end of prom. Jodie gets on stage and blabs on
Jodie: And now, for the prom king and queen.
(Andrea hands over the envelope and quickly runs off stage for a drink.
Jodie opens it and stares. She glances at Daria and Jane, who quickly
Jodie: Quinn Morgandorffer and Charles Rotheimer.
Upchuck: Yes!! (runs up on stage to claim his queen)
(On the other side of the gym, there is a scream, but not of joy. Sandy
pushes Quinn on stage.)
Ending- There the show ends with a still shot of Upchuck giving Quinn a
big sloppy kiss on the cheek. Quinn has a look of shear terror on her