NOTE: This fanfic is a comedy, and you're supposed to laugh. Laugh, god
dammit! I have a knife. See, that was an example of my comedy. You
should have laughed. Enjoy!!
"Quinn Started It"
By Heather Murphy (assistance from Cassie)
Scene One. Lawndale High hall. Quinn is talking with the rest of the
Quinn: So basically, Mom grounded me and Daria has to like, follow me
around. It's so totally unfair.
Sandi: But Quinn, isn't Daria like, your cousin?
Quinn: Uh...umm....yeah. Oh, I ... gotta go, bye. (Quinn scuttles off,
leaving the members of the fashion club looking slightly confused)
Cut to outside the school. Daria is standing with Jane about to get into
a car. Trent is in the driver's seat. Quinn walks up behind them.
Quinn: Come on, Daria, let's go home. I don't want to be seen with you
in public any longer.
Daria: Sorry Quinn, I'm going to Jane's.
Quinn: Dar-ia! You're totally ruining....(spots Trent)... I call
(Daria and Jane look at each other and shrug)
Scene Two. Jane's room. Jane and Daria are sitting on the bed watching
"Sick Sad World". Quinn is looking around the room in disgust.
Quinn: Where are all your posters?
(Jane just looks at Quinn)
Quinn (totally whiny voice): I'm bored. Where are all your magazines?
(She looks at painting on easel) What the hell is that?!
Jane (to Daria): Do something before I make you an only child.
Daria: Oh please. Do you think I care if Quinn gets stabbed with a
(Jane gives Daria a pleading look)
Daria: Quinn, why don't you go and play with the traffic?
Quinn: Okay! (realisation dawns on face) Hey! (mutters and walks out of
Cut to outside Jane's room. Quinn sees a door at the end of the hall
leading to the basement. She opens it and goes down the stairs when she
sees Trent, asleep on the couch.
Quinn: Hey there! (bats eyelashes. Trent stays asleep)
Quinn (louder): I said, HEY THERE! (Trent opens one eye)
Trent: Hey, little kid. You're Daria's....little sister aren't you?
Trent: Sure, kid.
Quinn: Oh, you don't need to call me that. I'm 15, you know. Old enough
to date. (stares pointedly. Trent closes his eyes)
Quinn: Hey! Hel-lo, I am like, super-cute here. (Trent grunts)
Trent: Go away.
Quinn: But aren't you the least bit-
Trent: GET OUT!!
(Quinn dejectedly walks out. She pauses in the doorway. Trent has fallen
back asleep. He is talking in his sleep)
Trent: Daria...no, Daria! (smiles) Oh, Daria....
(Close up to Quinn's face. She frowns, clearly pissed off)
Quinn: Daria, Daria, Daria!!! (a la Jan Brady)
Scene Three. Quinn's room, later that night. She is flipping through a
"Seventeen" magazine. She has a lighted candle in the shape of a smiley
face in front of her. There is a 'Romance Special' advertised on the
Quinn (mutters): Ah, here it is! Love spell... (Clear, high, voice)
Daria, tu mustum semper recipere amor pro Upchuck dum mors separare vos.
(Translation: Daria, you must always harbour love for Upchuck until
death separates you)
Quinn then proceeds to burn a boot lace of Daria's, and a skimpy bikini
with a gift-tag 'Love, from Charles. Rrowwll' on it. She reads from
Quinn: Posse ille cinis adligare vos!
(Translation: may the ashes bind you!)
She thrusts her hands into the air and cackles evilly. There is a clap
of thunder outside. The lights flicker.
Quinn: Like, totally!
Scene Four. The next day at school, Daria is walking with Jane,
seemingly unchanged. Upchuck walks past, and Daria's eyes widen.
Upchuck (unenthusiastically) Well hello ladies.
Jane: Piss off, Upchuck.
Upchuck (dull): Ooh, feisty. (he starts to walk off)
Daria (grabbing his arm): No...don't go. (smiles coyly and ruffles his
hair) You know, I've always found you....rather attractive... (Jane and
Upchuck are shocked)
Jane: Haha...very funny Daria, so funny I think I might vomit. You
Daria: You go on ahead (licks her lips) I'll catch up... (growls under
her breath. Upchuck stumbles backward)
Upchuck: I'll be right back...j-just a moment...
Daria: Wait! (reaches for his arm but he rushes off to the men's room)
Cut to inside the bathroom. Upchuck starts clawing at his clothes.
Upchuck: I've suddenly lost all interest in females...what is wrong with
Mr O'Neill (coming out of a cubicle): There's nothing wrong with being
homosexual, Charles. We have to fight homophobia in today's youth.
Upchuck screams and backs away.
Cut to later that day, at school. Upchuck is sitting on the bleachers of
the school oval during football practice, contemplating his newfound
sexual preferences. He looks up just as Kevin runs by with the ball. He
suddenly gets a sleazy grin on his face.
Upchuck: Rrrowwll, feisty. Go Lions! Go Kevie!
Kevin (looks up): Hey thanks babe- Oh, Upchuck, gross!!
Upchuck (to himself): He called me babe! Oh, joy! The simple pleasures
Scene Five. Daria's house that afternoon. The doorbell rings, and Quinn
rushes down to get it.
Quinn: That'll be Joey, Jeffy or.... Jamie! (opens door. It's Trent) Oh.
(disappointed)...ohhh...(bats eyelashes) Hey, Trent.
Trent: Uh, hi. Umm, is Daria around?
Quinn (scowling): Yeah. Da-ria!! Someone's here to see you.(resentful)
Daria runs down the stairs. Trent swallows nervously.
Daria (excitedly): Is it Chu- (her face falls) Oh, hi Trent.
Trent (voice breaks): Hey Daria. (Quinn sighs, grumbles, and walks off)
Umm, Daria, can we go outside?
Cut to outside Morgendorffer's House. Trent and Daria stand on the
Daria (vacantly): So, Trent.
Trent: So, Daria.
Daria (irritated): Was there something you wanted to tell me?
Trent: Yeah, well ... See, I came to tell you that ... well, I spoke to
Janey and she said that you really liked me, and well... I really like
you too. (smiles hesitantly)
Daria: Jane told you that did she? Well, I'm sorry Trent, but - wait a
minute - is that Chuck over there? Oh Chucky!! (runs off waving her
Trent stands on the doorstop, looking desolate. The door suddenly opens.
Quinn: You know Trent, I couldn't help over hearing, and well -
Trent: Lay off will you! (tears swell up in his eyes) I've just been
through a very, very, em-emotional ti-i-i-me. (Trent's sentence ends in
tears and he runs off, crying)
Cut to the Lane's house. We hear very effeminate sobbing coming from
just outside Jane's door. Cut to inside Jane's room to reveal Trent
sitting on Jane's bed, crying.
Trent (wrings his hands): And I-I just d-don't know why she doesn't
lo-o-o-ve me-e-e-e (wails) N-no-one wa-a-a-nts meee!
Jane: Oh, shhh, there there Trent. Umm, there there.
Trent: What is wr-rong with me, Janey? Is it my hair? My clothes? Is
there someo-o-o-ne e-e-e-lse? (sobs subside) Wait a minute - D-daria
said something about a ch-ch-ch-ch-uckkkkk??? (uncontrollable sobbing
Jane: Well....she has been acting kinda wierd around him... (close up to
Trent's face. His eyes narrow)
Trent: I'll kill him.
Scene Six. Lawnsdale High the next day. Daria spots Upchuck in the hall
and runs up to him.
Daria: There you are, sweetie! I've been looking all over for you!!
(gives a giddy smile and runs her hand over his chest) My, what
big...muscles you have...(bats eyelashes)
Upchuck: Not now Daria. I have to find Kevie... he's around here
somewhere... (scans hallway)
Daria: But what do you want him for? He's just a dumb jock. Let's have
some fun! (giggles)
Upchuck: But I have to proclaim my love to him ... to the world! (yells)
I'M OUT AND PROUD OF IT! (Mr O'Neill gives him a thumbs up)
Daria (rambling, as Upchuck escapes): Love? My Upchuck, and Kevin, that
trollop? (close up to her face, her eyes narrow) I'll kill him.
Cut to the lockers. Kevin and Brittany are leaning against one, making
out. Upchuck saunters up.
Upchuck: Oh, Kevie....
Kevin: Not now, Upchuck.
Upchuck: I want...I need to talk to you. Now.
Kevin: Look man, can't you see I'm busy? (motions towards Brittany)
Upchuck: Take a hike, sister.
Upchuck: Yes, Kevie? (bats eyelashes)
Brittany: Hey, that's my line! (looks hurt) Come on Kevie, lets go.
Kevin: Yeah babe. (they walk off, arm in arm)
Close up to a shot of Upchuck's face. his eyes narrow.
Upchuck: I'll kill her.
Scene Seven. Later that day. Quinn has come to the Lane's house, alone,
to see Trent. She goes down to the basement, where Trent is working on
some newly inspired songs.
Trent (singing): I'll kill that jerk / I'll go beserk / I'll sever his
head / He's better off dead / Your life, Upchuck / I don't give a f-
Trent: (darkly) Oh. It's you. (Brightens) Is Daria with you?
Quinn: No, goddammit! That's all you ever talk about! Why don't you talk
about me? I'm much more prettier... and popular-
Trent: I love her, that's why... (Dreamy) She's my one and only... like
a bright, shining star... (turns angry) Until that jerk Upchuck, son of
Quinn: But can't you forget about her?
Trent (sadly, on the verge of tears): Never. I'll never love anyone
else. She broke my heart.
Close up of Quinn's face. She narrows her eyes.
Quinn: I'll kill her.
Scene Eight. That night. At Brittany's house. Kevin and Brittany are
lying on the bed, making out. Kevin is sans shoulderpads. Things are
going pretty far.
Brittany (panting heavily): Oh Kevie, do you think we should stop? It's
getting kinda late.
Kevin: That's never stopped us before.
Brittany: But Kevie, we need protection.
Kevin: Sure thing babe. I'll just go get them. (He leaves.)
Cut to Kevin fumbling around downstairs in semi-darkness
Kevin: Now where did I put those shoulder pads? I took them off
somewhere around here....
Daria (off-screen voice over): Looking for these?
Cut to Kevin's POV. Daria is looming over him, the light from the window
behind giving her an eerie glow. She is holding his shoulder pads.
Cut to Brittany's room. She is humming "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls
as she files her nails. Suddenly, a gloved hand grabs her head and pulls
it back, while the other pours nail-polish remover down her throat.
Brittany gags and convulses until she falls limp in her murderer's arms.
Pan back to Upchuck grinning gleefully.
Upchuck (softly): Kevie's all mine.
Cut back to downstairs. Daria's POV.
Kevin: Yeah, thanks Daria. (The pads come crashing down on his head,
knocking him out. She clobbers him a few more times, to really kill him.
Cut to Daria's face. She is smiling.)
Daria: My pleasure.
Cut to show Upchuck, walking home, whistling "2 Become 1". Daria is
following him in the shadows. Trent is standing on the doorstep, leaning
against an axe.
Trent: Ahh, Upchuck. Just the man I wanted to kill! (He swings at
Upchucks head, but Upchuck swerves and Trent gets him in the arm.)
Trent (hacking vigorously): This one's for you, Daria...and this
Daria comes running from the bushes.
Daria (upset): Upchuck!! (Confused and disgusted) Upchuck??
She looks at Trent.
Daria: Oh, Trent...
Trent: I killed for you, Daria.
She runs forward. They collapse into each other's arms and lean in for a
Daria: I'm so happy!
Quinn (off-screen voice over): Not for long!
Daria and Trent's POV. Quinn is holding a shotgun to Daria's chest.
Quinn: Mo-om, Daria stole the man I love again! (She pulls the trigger,
Daria is killed.)
Trent leans over Daria.
Trent: My god hath forsaken me! (He glares at Quinn) You'll pay for
this! (Trent picks up the axe). I've used this before, I'm not afraid to
use it again!
Quinn: But I just bought these clothes! I don't wanna get them all blo-
Her whining is cut short as Trent hacks her into three bits. Enter Joey,
Jeffy and Jamie.
Joey: Oh my god! You killed Quinn!
Jeffy: You bastard!
They all look expectantly at Jamie.
The three J's pounce on Trent, getting into a fight. Five minutes later,
Trent is lying on the ground, a bloody and bruised and dead pulp. The
three J's each sadly pick up a bit of Quinn and slowly walk away. "Puck
Defender" by Jebediah (an Aussie band; don't expect to know them) plays
to the end credits.
And I'm picking up the pieces
All the pieces that I've found
And I'm picking up the pieces
Off the ground, Yeah