Sex and the Cynical Girl
by Danny Bronstein
Plot Description: High school senior Daria has been going out with Trent
for a year and a half and feels pressured to go all the way with him.
Featuring a never-before-seen ending!
Time: May 1999. Daria is supposed to graduate from high school next month;
she is 18. She and Trent have been going out for about a year and a half.
Scene 1: In front of Darias house, at night. Trents car pulls up. He and
Daria get out, and he walks her to her house.
Daria: OK, well, I had a nice time.
Trent: Yeah, me too.
Daria: So, uh, call me tomorrow, I guess. Or Ill call you.
Trent: OK, cool.
(Awkward pause. They kiss. Another pause.)
Daria: Well. I better get inside and go to bed. I have school tomorrow.
Trent: Yeah, I better turn in too. I have to get up bright and early at
noon and look for work.
Trent: Whats so funny?
Trent: OK, well, bye.
(They kiss again.)
Trent: See you.
(He gets in his car and drives off. A much sleeker looking vehicle stops in
front of the house, and Quinn gets out. The car drives off.)
Daria: Hey, Quinn. Wow, you must have had quite a time.
Daria: Your pants are on backwards.
(Quinn looks down, and damned if Daria aint right.)
Quinn: Yeah, well, what are you going to do, tell Mom and Dad?
Daria: Why not? I havent had anything to blackmail you with for a while.
Quinn: Yeah? Well, I could always tell them about what you and your
Daria: Quinn, Id like to think that even if Trent and I WERE having sex,
Mom and Dad would think Im old enough and responsible enough now to know
what Im getting into. Now YOU, on the other hand...
Quinn: Wait a minute. You and Trent ARENT having sex?
Quinn: But youve been going out for, like, ever!
Quinn: Well, I just think its a little weird. I mean, I usually go all the
way on the third date.
Daria: You dont make it to the third date. You go all the way on the first
date and then move on to another guy the next week.
Quinn: Whatever. The point is, its kind of weird to be going out with the
same guy for so long and not go all the way. But then its probably normal
for you, since you are weird. Well, I better get inside before anyone sees
me talking to you.
(Quinn enters the house.)
Scene 2: Daria and Jane are walking to school.
Daria: Yesterday Quinn said something that actually made me think.
Jane: Whoa, theres a first. Are you getting dumber?
Daria: Trent and I have been going out for a year and a half. Do you think
its abnormal for us not to be having sex?
Jane: I dont know. I guess it depends on whether you feel youre ready for
sex. Do you feel youre ready?
Daria: I dont know. I just wonder if its normal not to be ready, since
weve been going out for so long. Like, youve went out with a couple of
Trents band members. How long was it before you went all the way with one
Jane: (defensively) Who said we went all the way??
Daria: Well, I thought...
Jane: Look, could we talk about something else? The thought of Trent naked
is making my stomach turn.
Daria: Were not talking about Trent anymore, were talking about...
Jane: Look, lets just not talk about sex, OK? Im SICK of talking about
sex. Weve been talking about sex all freaking day.
Daria: Jane, its 7:50AM.
Jane: I dont care. Lets just change the subject, OK?
Daria: Fine. (smirks at Jane)
Scene 3: In Ms. Barchs classroom. Somewhere behind the teacher is a poster
that says MELISSA ETHERIDGE TOUR 1998 FEATURING LEZZES WITH FEZZES.
Barch: Class, today were going to continue our lesson on the human
reproductive system. (takes out a diagram) This is the penis. The penis is
evil. Ladies, at all costs avoid letting your boyfriends talk you into
touching it. You will pay gravely in the future. Sure, it feels good at
first. But then your man will be screwing around with more and more women
when hes supposed to be with you on New Years Eve, and before you know it
hes running around naked with your marriage counselor and divorce lawyer
on some tropical island while youre stuck in a dead-end job babysitting a
bunch of hormonally charged dimwits who will probably make the same
mistakes as you!
Jane: (to Daria) I wonder if you should be regarding this lecture as
Barch: Shut your mouth, Upchuck.
Upchuck: What the..?
Scene 4: Daria and Jane come to Darias house, nobodys there. They go to
the answering machine.
Daria: Let me guess: Moms having dinner with a client, Dads working late,
Quinns got some emergency meeting with the fashion club in which theyre
supposed to decide who gets to use the brain for the week, and 3 of Quinns
boyfriends called. (presses button)
BEEP! (Helens voice) Hi, girls! Ill be home late. Dinner with the
Petersens to discuss their divorce. Microwave yourselves some lasagna. Ta-ta!
BEEP! Hey Quinn, its Joey. How about catching a movie tonight? I hear
theres some Brad Pitt/Whitney Houston flick playing, and I know you like
them. Anyway, give me a call.
BEEP! Hi girls! Im going to be working late. Have to prepare my
telemarketing scandal denial speech for tomorrow. If you need anything,
BEEP! Hi Mom, Hi Dad! Ill be in late. Emergency meeting of the Fashion
Club. Tiffany broke a nail. Later.
BEEP! Hey Quinn, its Jamie. I was wondering if you wanted to go steady.
Call me! Ill be waiting by the phone all day.
BEEP! Hey Quinn, its Jeffy. Are you still mad at me about asking you to go
steady with me? Im sorry. I really am. Anyway, if you need me to drive you
to the mall, Ill be happy to. Call me!
Jane: OK, youre either psychic, or your lifes getting WAY too predictable.
Answering machine: BEEP! Hey Daria, its Trent. (Daria gasps.) Guess what!
The bands got a gig at the Red Rum Cafe on Friday. If youre free do you
want to come watch us play? Give me a call. Bye!
Daria: (nervously) Umm, lets watch TV. I think Sick Sad World is on.
(Daria and Jane go to the TV, turn it on.)
TV: Sex. CLICK Sex. CLICK Sex. CLICK Sex, sex, sex. CLICK (porno music)
CLICK (Grandpa Simpsons voice) SE-E-E-EX! CLICK Number Two rule about
surviving a scary movie: Dont have sex. CLICK Today on Sick Sad World:
Sex: Caught In The Act.
Daria: Dammit, even Sick Sad Worlds gone perverted on me.
Jane: No, it was always like that.
Daria: Oh, yeah.
Scene 5: The girls bathroom the next day. Standing in front of the mirror
is Daria, Jane, and Rickie from My So-Called Life(!)
Jane: So, have you spoken to Trent yet?
Jane: Look, Daria, if this issue is still bothering you, I think you should
talk about it with Trent. Dont you agree, Rickie?
Rickie: Oh, absolutely.
(Suddenly the female janitor enters the bathroom.)
Janitor: Dammit, Rickie, how many times have I told you not to hang around
here? This is not the boys bathroom!
Rickie: (sobbing) Why cant you people just accept me for who I am! (runs
out the door)
Daria and Jane walk out of the bathroom.
Daria: I dont know, I guess one thing Im afraid of is that if Trent and I
do have sex, our relationship will deteriorate into something like...
(pan across the hallway to Kevin and Brittany)
Brittany: Ugh! Is that a ZIT on your nose? Dont come near me until you get
rid of it!
Kevin: But Ba-aabe! Im telling you, its a Jolly Rancher! I was just
Jane: I see.
(Upchuck rushes to them)
Upchuck: Good afternoon, ladies. I couldnt help overhearing your
conversation in the bathroom, and I thought I should mention some movies my
father has dealing with your little... dilemma. Might I suggest coming over
to my place tonight and watching them in my darkened room, complete with
make-out music I recorded myself?
Daria: Oh, Im sorry, Upchuck. Tonight Jane and I will be busy coming up
with ways to make you look like your nickname if you EVER bring that up or
spy on us in the bathroom again.
Upchuck: R-r-r. Feisty.
Scene 6: The Red Rum Cafe some time after Mystik Spiral performs. Daria and
Trent are sitting together at a table (Jane is hanging out with the other
band members across the room). There is a loud heavy metal band on stage,
and its really noisy. There is a mosh pit near the stage.
Trent: Hey, Daria. Is something on your mind? You havent said much all night.
Daria: Trent, umm... do you think we should have sex?
Trent: I dunno. Last time I asked you, you said you werent ready.
Daria: You never asked me before!
Trent: Yeah I did. Remember, at the amusement park, about a year ago?
(Flash back to amusement park. Daria and Trent are eating ice cream.)
Trent: Daria, do you...
Daria: Im not ready.
Daria: I thought you were going to ask me to go on the rollercoaster! We
had just eaten, remember?
Trent: OK, but if you had known what I was really going to ask you, what
would you have said?
Daria: I would have said I wasnt ready yet.
Trent: Well, there you go.
Daria: How come you never asked me about it again?
Trent: Because some time after that, I remembered what happened to the one
girl I ever got in bed with.
Daria: Why, what happened?
Trent: It was my senior year. Her name was Shelly Van Horn.
Trent: Well, you know that band, Lezzes With Fezzes?
Daria: The one that tours with Melissa Etheridge?
Trent: Shes their lead singer now.
Daria: Oh, I see. So you think that if we have sex, Ill become a lesbian too.
Trent: I dont know. Its really freaky.
Daria: Well, you cant blame yourself for that one girl.
Trent: Yeah? Well, you try being in my shoes and saying that.
Trent: OK, well, getting back to us, do YOU think we should have sex?
Daria: See, Ive been thinking about that all week. Do you think its
normal for us to go out for a year and a half and not have sex?
Trent: Well, it all depends on whether or not you feel ready. Do you feel
Daria: Im 18 years old. I wonder if by now I SHOULD feel ready.
Trent: Wanna give it a week and think about it?
Daria: Sounds good to me.
Daria: I am so lucky to have a guy like you.
Trent: Why, cause other guys wont tell you to duck?
Daria: Huh? Oh my God!
(Trent and Daria duck as a mosher goes flying over their heads and crashes
onto a table behind them.)
Scene 7: Darias house, 4 days later. Jake sits stressed out over a pile of
Jake: $900 phone bill????! Who made all these calls to Australia?? AARGH!!
(suddenly he gets pink eye again.)
Helen: Oh, no! Daria, drive your father to the doctor! Ill make an
Daria: Why do I have to do it?
Helen: Because its Tuesday! Remember the schedule chart we made?
Daria sits in the waiting room. The door opens, Jake exits with a female
Doctor: (handing him pills) Just take these 3 times a day, and please try
to watch your blood pressure, all right? Youve been coming in here way too
Jake: Yes, thank you, Dr. Zweig.
Daria: Dr. Zweig?
Dr. Zweig: Well, hello there, Daria! My, youve grown a few inches!
Daria: Uh, yeah, thanks. Listen, could I talk to you in private for a moment?
Dr. Zweig: Sure.
(Daria and the doctor move away from Jake.)
Daria: Dr. Zweig, my boyfriend and I...
Dr. Zweig: (sighs) Tsk, tsk, tsk. You know, Daria, a lot of young girls
come in here asking me what I think youre about to ask, so Im going to
tell you what I tell them. Use a condom and a sponge, OK?
Daria: (awkwardly) Right. Thank you, Dr. Zweig.
Scene 8: Darias house, Friday night, a week after she talked to Trent.
Its 11:00PM. She exits and goes to the Lane house. She knocks on the door.
Trent: Hey, Daria.
Daria: Hey, Trent.
Trent: Whats up?
Daria: Trent, remember that talk we had a week ago?
Trent: At the show?
Daria: Yeah. You know what? Ive been thinking, and... Im ready.
Trent: Are you sure? This has nothing to do with peer pressure, does it?
Daria: No. I think weve been going out for long enough, and were both
mature adults, and I just... feel ready. Besides, do I look like someone
who would succumb to peer pressure?
Trent: You sure as hell dont.
Daria: Didnt think so.
Trent: Listen, were going to have to be careful not to wake up Janey.
Daria: Right. Wouldnt want that.
Trent and Daria head toward Trents room while kissing and taking off each
others shirts. (BG music: Do You Wanna Touch Me by Joan Jett & the
Blackhearts) They get to his room and he closes the door behind them.
Pause. Trent runs out of his room and into the bathroom, then runs back to
his room with condoms. Closes the door.
Scene 9: The next morning (actually noon). Jane is watching Sick Sad World
on the couch. Trent walks in.
Trent: Morning, Janey.
Jane: Morning, Trent.
TV: Today on Sick Sad World, can 2 antisocial teens with a combined IQ of
12 graduate from high school? One district seems to think so! The Highland
High scandal, today on Sick Sad World.
Jane: Was someone here last night? I thought I heard stuff at about eleven.
Trent: Oh, um...
(Daria walks in)
Daria: Hey there, Trent. (alarmed) Oh, uh, good morning, Jane.
Jane: Morning..... Daria.
(Jane looks at Daria, then at Trent, then Daria, then Trent.)
Jane: Oh my God. You didnt!
Trent: Yeah, actually, we did.
Jane: Well, Ill be damned.
Daria: (sits in Trents lap) Oh, Trent.... Trent.... Trent.... TRENT!!!
Trent: Huh? What?
(Trent snaps out of it; suddenly hes right back with Daria at his doorstep
at 11:00 the previous night.)
Daria: What happened, Trent? Right after I said Ive been thinking, you
just... drifted off.
Trent: Oh, sorry. Havent been getting much sleep. What were you saying?
Daria: I was saying that Ive been thinking, and at this point I dont
think Im ready for sex.
Daria: I mean, sex is kind of a big step to take, not to mention risky, and
I think we should wait at least until I graduate high school. Plus, if we
do have sex at this point, I would be taking Quinn up on something she
said, and you know how much I hate doing that. I hope you understand.
Trent: Of course.
(BG music: Do You Wanna Touch Me by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts.)
Daria: Where the hells that music coming from?
Trent: I dont know. Seems kind of inappropriate.
Daria: Tell me about it.
Daria: Well, I guess I better be going.
Trent: Sure. Do you need a ride?
Daria: Yeah, thats probably a good idea.
(Trent is driving Daria home.)
Trent: Man, that really sucks.
Trent: Usually theyre open until midnight.
(they drive by a guitar shop with a CLOSED sign.)
They get to Darias house.
Daria: OK, well, here we are. Thanks.
Scene 10: The next morning. Daria joins the family at breakfast.
Daria: Good morning.
(Nobody notices Trent creep past them and leave the house.)