“Sex and the Cynical Girl”
by Danny Bronstein
trotsky@loop.com

Plot Description: High school senior Daria has been going out with Trent
for a year and a half and feels pressured to go all the way with him.
Featuring a never-before-seen ending!
Classification: Daria

Time: May 1999. Daria is supposed to graduate from high school next month;
she is 18. She and Trent have been going out for about a year and a half.

Scene 1: In front of Daria’s house, at night. Trent’s car pulls up. He and
Daria get out, and he walks her to her house.

Daria: OK, well, I had a nice time.

Trent: Yeah, me too.

Daria: So, uh, call me tomorrow, I guess. Or I’ll call you.

Trent: OK, cool.

(Awkward pause. They kiss. Another pause.)

Daria: Well. I better get inside and go to bed. I have school tomorrow.

Trent: Yeah, I better turn in too. I have to get up bright and early at
noon and look for work.

(Daria laughs.)

Trent: What’s so funny?

Daria: Nothing.

Trent: OK, well, bye.

Daria: Bye.

(They kiss again.)

Trent: See you.

(He gets in his car and drives off. A much sleeker looking vehicle stops in
front of the house, and Quinn gets out. The car drives off.)

Daria: Hey, Quinn. Wow, you must have had quite a time.

Quinn: Huh?

Daria: Your pants are on backwards.

(Quinn looks down, and damned if Daria ain’t right.)

Quinn: Yeah, well, what are you going to do, tell Mom and Dad?

Daria: Why not? I haven’t had anything to blackmail you with for a while.

Quinn: Yeah? Well, I could always tell them about what you and your
BOYFRIEND do.

Daria: Quinn, I’d like to think that even if Trent and I WERE having sex,
Mom and Dad would think I’m old enough and responsible enough now to know
what I’m getting into. Now YOU, on the other hand...

Quinn: Wait a minute. You and Trent AREN’T having sex?

Daria: Yeah.

Quinn: But you’ve been going out for, like, ever!

Daria: So?

Quinn: Well, I just think it’s a little weird. I mean, I usually go all the
way on the third date.

Daria: You don’t make it to the third date. You go all the way on the first
date and then move on to another guy the next week.

Quinn: Whatever. The point is, it’s kind of weird to be going out with the
same guy for so long and not go all the way. But then it’s probably normal
for you, since you are weird. Well, I better get inside before anyone sees
me talking to you.

(Quinn enters the house.)

Scene 2: Daria and Jane are walking to school.

Daria: Yesterday Quinn said something that actually made me think.

Jane: Whoa, there’s a first. Are you getting dumber?

Daria: Trent and I have been going out for a year and a half. Do you think
it’s abnormal for us not to be having sex?

Jane: I don’t know. I guess it depends on whether you feel you’re ready for
sex. Do you feel you’re ready?

Daria: I don’t know. I just wonder if it’s normal not to be ready, since
we’ve been going out for so long. Like, you’ve went out with a couple of
Trent’s band members. How long was it before you went all the way with one
of them?

Jane: (defensively) Who said we went all the way??

Daria: Well, I thought...

Jane: Look, could we talk about something else? The thought of Trent naked
is making my stomach turn.

Daria: We’re not talking about Trent anymore, we’re talking about...

Jane: Look, let’s just not talk about sex, OK? I’m SICK of talking about
sex. We’ve been talking about sex all freaking day.

Daria: Jane, it’s 7:50AM.

Jane: I don’t care. Let’s just change the subject, OK?

Daria: Fine. (smirks at Jane)

Jane: What??

Scene 3: In Ms. Barch’s classroom. Somewhere behind the teacher is a poster
that says MELISSA ETHERIDGE TOUR 1998 FEATURING LEZZES WITH FEZZES.

Barch: Class, today we’re going to continue our lesson on the human
reproductive system. (takes out a diagram) This is the penis. The penis is
evil. Ladies, at all costs avoid letting your boyfriends talk you into
touching it. You will pay gravely in the future. Sure, it feels good at
first. But then your man will be screwing around with more and more women
when he’s supposed to be with you on New Years Eve, and before you know it
he’s running around naked with your marriage counselor and divorce lawyer
on some tropical island while you’re stuck in a dead-end job babysitting a
bunch of hormonally charged dimwits who will probably make the same
mistakes as you!

Jane: (to Daria) I wonder if you should be regarding this lecture as
somewhat cryptic.

Barch: Shut your mouth, Upchuck.

Upchuck: What the..?

Scene 4: Daria and Jane come to Daria’s house, nobody’s there. They go to
the answering machine.

Daria: Let me guess: Mom’s having dinner with a client, Dad’s working late,
Quinn’s got some emergency meeting with the fashion club in which they’re
supposed to decide who gets to use the brain for the week, and 3 of Quinn’s
boyfriends called. (presses button)

BEEP! (Helen’s voice) Hi, girls! I’ll be home late. Dinner with the
Petersens to discuss their divorce. Microwave yourselves some lasagna. Ta-ta!

BEEP! Hey Quinn, it’s Joey. How about catching a movie tonight? I hear
there’s some Brad Pitt/Whitney Houston flick playing, and I know you like
them. Anyway, give me a call.

BEEP! Hi girls! I’m going to be working late. Have to prepare my
telemarketing scandal denial speech for tomorrow. If you need anything,
page me.

BEEP! Hi Mom, Hi Dad! I’ll be in late. Emergency meeting of the Fashion
Club. Tiffany broke a nail. Later.

BEEP! Hey Quinn, it’s Jamie. I was wondering if you wanted to go steady.
Call me! I’ll be waiting by the phone all day.

BEEP! Hey Quinn, it’s Jeffy. Are you still mad at me about asking you to go
steady with me? I’m sorry. I really am. Anyway, if you need me to drive you
to the mall, I’ll be happy to. Call me!

Jane: OK, you’re either psychic, or your life’s getting WAY too predictable.

Answering machine: BEEP! Hey Daria, it’s Trent. (Daria gasps.) Guess what!
The band’s got a gig at the Red Rum Cafe on Friday. If you’re free do you
want to come watch us play? Give me a call. Bye!

Daria: (nervously) Umm, let’s watch TV. I think Sick Sad World is on.

(Daria and Jane go to the TV, turn it on.)

TV: Sex. CLICK Sex. CLICK Sex. CLICK Sex, sex, sex. CLICK (porno music)
CLICK (Grandpa Simpson’s voice) SE-E-E-EX! CLICK Number Two rule about
surviving a scary movie: Don’t have sex. CLICK Today on Sick Sad World:
Sex: Caught In The Act.

Daria: Dammit, even Sick Sad World’s gone perverted on me.

Jane: No, it was always like that.

Daria: Oh, yeah.

Scene 5: The girls’ bathroom the next day. Standing in front of the mirror
is Daria, Jane, and Rickie from “My So-Called Life”(!)

Jane: So, have you spoken to Trent yet?

Daria: No.

Jane: Look, Daria, if this issue is still bothering you, I think you should
talk about it with Trent. Don’t you agree, Rickie?

Rickie: Oh, absolutely.

(Suddenly the female janitor enters the bathroom.)

Janitor: Dammit, Rickie, how many times have I told you not to hang around
here? This is not the boys’ bathroom!

Rickie: (sobbing) Why can’t you people just accept me for who I am! (runs
out the door)

Daria and Jane walk out of the bathroom.

Daria: I don’t know, I guess one thing I’m afraid of is that if Trent and I
do have sex, our relationship will deteriorate into something like...

(pan across the hallway to Kevin and Brittany)

Brittany: Ugh! Is that a ZIT on your nose? Don’t come near me until you get
rid of it!

Kevin: But Ba-aabe! I’m telling you, it’s a Jolly Rancher! I was just
clowning around!

Daria: ...that.

Jane: I see.

(Upchuck rushes to them)

Upchuck: Good afternoon, ladies. I couldn’t help overhearing your
conversation in the bathroom, and I thought I should mention some movies my
father has dealing with your little... dilemma. Might I suggest coming over
to my place tonight and watching them in my darkened room, complete with
make-out music I recorded myself?

Daria: Oh, I’m sorry, Upchuck. Tonight Jane and I will be busy coming up
with ways to make you look like your nickname if you EVER bring that up or
spy on us in the bathroom again.

Upchuck: R-r-r. Feisty.

Scene 6: The Red Rum Cafe some time after Mystik Spiral performs. Daria and
Trent are sitting together at a table (Jane is hanging out with the other
band members across the room). There is a loud heavy metal band on stage,
and it’s really noisy. There is a mosh pit near the stage.

Trent: Hey, Daria. Is something on your mind? You haven’t said much all night.

Daria: Trent, umm... do you think we should have sex?

Trent: I dunno. Last time I asked you, you said you weren’t ready.

Daria: You never asked me before!

Trent: Yeah I did. Remember, at the amusement park, about a year ago?

(Flash back to amusement park. Daria and Trent are eating ice cream.)

Trent: Daria, do you...

Daria: I’m not ready.

Trent: OK.

(Flash forward.)

Daria: I thought you were going to ask me to go on the rollercoaster! We
had just eaten, remember?

Trent: OK, but if you had known what I was really going to ask you, what
would you have said?

Daria: I would have said I wasn’t ready yet.

Trent: Well, there you go.

Daria: How come you never asked me about it again?

Trent: Because some time after that, I remembered what happened to the one
girl I ever got in bed with.

Daria: Why, what happened?

Trent: It was my senior year. Her name was Shelly Van Horn.

Daria: And?

Trent: Well, you know that band, Lezzes With Fezzes?

Daria: The one that tours with Melissa Etheridge?

Trent: She’s their lead singer now.

Daria: Oh, I see. So you think that if we have sex, I’ll become a lesbian too.

Trent: I don’t know. It’s really freaky.

Daria: Well, you can’t blame yourself for that one girl.

Trent: Yeah? Well, you try being in my shoes and saying that.

Daria: Hmm.

(pause.)

Trent: OK, well, getting back to us, do YOU think we should have sex?

Daria: See, I’ve been thinking about that all week. Do you think it’s
normal for us to go out for a year and a half and not have sex?

Trent: Well, it all depends on whether or not you feel ready. Do you feel
ready?

Daria: I’m 18 years old. I wonder if by now I SHOULD feel ready.

Trent: Wanna give it a week and think about it?

Daria: Sounds good to me.

Trent: Cool.

(pause.)

Daria: I am so lucky to have a guy like you.

Trent: Why, ‘cause other guys won’t tell you to duck?

Daria: Huh? Oh my God!

(Trent and Daria duck as a mosher goes flying over their heads and crashes
onto a table behind them.)

Scene 7: Daria’s house, 4 days later. Jake sits stressed out over a pile of
bills.

Jake: $900 phone bill????! Who made all these calls to Australia?? AARGH!!
(suddenly he gets pink eye again.)

Helen: Oh, no! Daria, drive your father to the doctor! I’ll make an
emergency appointment.

Daria: Why do I have to do it?

Helen: Because it’s Tuesday! Remember the schedule chart we made?

Daria sits in the waiting room. The door opens, Jake exits with a female
doctor.

Doctor: (handing him pills) Just take these 3 times a day, and please try
to watch your blood pressure, all right? You’ve been coming in here way too
often.

Jake: Yes, thank you, Dr. Zweig.

Daria: Dr. Zweig?

Dr. Zweig: Well, hello there, Daria! My, you’ve grown a few inches!

Daria: Uh, yeah, thanks. Listen, could I talk to you in private for a moment?

Dr. Zweig: Sure.

(Daria and the doctor move away from Jake.)

Daria: Dr. Zweig, my boyfriend and I...

Dr. Zweig: (sighs) Tsk, tsk, tsk. You know, Daria, a lot of young girls
come in here asking me what I think you’re about to ask, so I’m going to
tell you what I tell them. Use a condom and a sponge, OK?

Daria: (awkwardly) Right. Thank you, Dr. Zweig.

Scene 8: Daria’s house, Friday night, a week after she talked to Trent.
It’s 11:00PM. She exits and goes to the Lane house. She knocks on the door.
Trent answers.

Trent: Hey, Daria.

Daria: Hey, Trent.

Trent: What’s up?

Daria: Trent, remember that talk we had a week ago?

Trent: At the show?

Daria: Yeah. You know what? I’ve been thinking, and... I’m ready.

Trent: Are you sure? This has nothing to do with peer pressure, does it?

Daria: No. I think we’ve been going out for long enough, and we’re both
mature adults, and I just... feel ready. Besides, do I look like someone
who would succumb to peer pressure?

Trent: You sure as hell don’t.

Daria: Didn’t think so.

Trent: Listen, we’re going to have to be careful not to wake up Janey.

Daria: Right. Wouldn’t want that.

Trent and Daria head toward Trent’s room while kissing and taking off each
other’s shirts. (BG music: “Do You Wanna Touch Me” by Joan Jett & the
Blackhearts) They get to his room and he closes the door behind them.
Pause. Trent runs out of his room and into the bathroom, then runs back to
his room with condoms. Closes the door.

Scene 9: The next morning (actually noon). Jane is watching Sick Sad World
on the couch. Trent walks in.

Trent: Morning, Janey.

Jane: Morning, Trent.

TV: Today on Sick Sad World, can 2 antisocial teens with a combined IQ of
12 graduate from high school? One district seems to think so! The Highland
High scandal, today on Sick Sad World.

Jane: Was someone here last night? I thought I heard stuff at about eleven.

Trent: Oh, um...

(Daria walks in)

Daria: Hey there, Trent. (alarmed) Oh, uh, good morning, Jane.

Jane: Morning..... Daria.

(Jane looks at Daria, then at Trent, then Daria, then Trent.)

Jane: Oh my God. You didn’t!

Trent: Yeah, actually, we did.

Jane: Well, I’ll be damned.

Daria: (sits in Trent’s lap) Oh, Trent.... Trent.... Trent.... TRENT!!!

Trent: Huh? What?

(Trent snaps out of it; suddenly he’s right back with Daria at his doorstep
at 11:00 the previous night.)

Daria: What happened, Trent? Right after I said “I’ve been thinking”, you
just... drifted off.

Trent: Oh, sorry. Haven’t been getting much sleep. What were you saying?

Daria: I was saying that I’ve been thinking, and at this point I don’t
think I’m ready for sex.

Trent: Oh.

Daria: I mean, sex is kind of a big step to take, not to mention risky, and
I think we should wait at least until I graduate high school. Plus, if we
do have sex at this point, I would be taking Quinn up on something she
said, and you know how much I hate doing that. I hope you understand.

Trent: Of course.

Daria: Good.

(BG music: “Do You Wanna Touch Me” by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts.)

Daria: Where the hell’s that music coming from?

Trent: I don’t know. Seems kind of inappropriate.

Daria: Tell me about it.

(music stops.)

Daria: Well, I guess I better be going.

Trent: Sure. Do you need a ride?

Daria: Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.

(Trent is driving Daria home.)

Trent: Man, that really sucks.

Daria: What?

Trent: Usually they’re open until midnight.

(they drive by a guitar shop with a CLOSED sign.)

Daria: Oh.

They get to Daria’s house.

Daria: OK, well, here we are. Thanks.

Trent: Sure.

(They kiss.)

Scene 10: The next morning. Daria joins the family at breakfast.

Daria: Good morning.

(Nobody notices Trent creep past them and leave the house.)

THE END