By Alan Markowitz
Disclaimer: This story is strictly for fun and no money will be made from this. All
characters, and other copyrights, indicia, etc. belongs to MTV or whoever is responsible
for Daria. With that said . . . I would like to thank my sister for typing this and for
editing and contributions, particularly, Quinns questions. This story is copyright
by Alan Markowitz. Forward any comments to Alan at firstname.lastname@example.org. Enjoy (I hope).
"Cmon Daria! Its only twenty
dollars. It will be well worth it."
From their seats in the back of Mr.
DiMartinos class, they had a great view.
Jane hauled Daria from their previous class on home economics to make
sure they had the best seats possible. "Up front, would be just too close,"
Mr. DiMartino thought his lecture on sex was
going well, considering he could
still read his rapidly deteriorating index cards, which by now resembled wads
of wet tissues. Gripping the podium even stopped his shaking. Just one more
card to go . . .
"Uhhh, sex education can NOT be Emphasized
m..m..ore. Loose morals,
disease and even ALTERNATE LIFESTYLES must BE controlled. Our
forefathers didnt believe in alternate lifestyles. If they did we wouldnt be
A glance at the clock indicated to Jane that
the class was almost over and an
even quicker one to Daria revealed the formation of a rare smile. Something
had to be done.
"I . . . uhhh, therefore, as per
ASSIGNMENT want a prepared speech on sex
by next week. KEEP it under five minutes SO that . . . "
"What about that incident downtown last
year?" Jane blurted out.
Now Mr. DiMartino began to shake violently. His
eye bulging from his head,
foam forming around his mouth and, some students swore later, he actually
began to vibrate like a tuning fork.
"NO, . . . NOTHING HAPPENED . . . NOTHING
. . . DID NOTHING . . .
SAW NOTHING . . . PAPERS WRONG . . . POLICE . . . NO . . . NOTHING"
"He looks rather peaceful," Jane
remarked later as the attendants loaded
Mr. DiMartino into the ambulance outside the school.
"That many tranquilizer darts would do
it," Daria reflected. "It was like a
National Geographic I saw about a marauding boar in this village."
"Do you think he sleeps with his eye open
like that all the time?"
"No. Once they get him into the hospital,
theyll probably put an eyepatch on
him. Who knows, eyepatches are very sexy. Those restraining straps are
also a fashion statement." Daria paused very briefly. "I am only going to pay
you ten dollars," Daria said, switching the topic. "You implied he would go
ballistic without outside help. If you hadnt asked him, he would have
completed his lecture. He even got through the slide show."
"I know . . . but you must admit it was
still worth it. Would you rather I didnt
say anything. Cmon Daria, I see a bit of a smile."
"What about the speech well have to
give?" Daria asked, brief smile now
"Uhhh. . . mention some statistics about
moral decay, the degradation of
youth in our society and if you get stuck, show a little skin. Kevin would
probably eat it up."
"Speaking of eating up, I thought we would
have to lecture him and Brittany
during the slide . . ."
Even with their backs to him, the sound was
unmistakable. Upchuck had
announced his presence via his mating call.
"So girls. Do you need my help for the,
uhhh, research portion of your
speech?" he asked in his most suavest voice.
"Im terribly sorry, but I am having
root canal work done," Jane said quickly.
"Ahh, pain before pleasure. I can really
help. Really!" he intoned. "What
about you, Daria?"
"Id love to but I already helped you
with that science project with the mouse. I
am too familiar with your methods. It would spoil the undifferentiated
circumspatial bias factor. Jane could do it. The dentist said her mouth
wouldnt take that long to heal."
Jane whirled Daria around and back her up a
bit. "Are you doing this to me
over the ten dollars?"
"No, but who knows? They might interview
you for Sick, Sad World. I could
say I knew you when! Cmon, . . . it will be well worth it."
"Okay, Upchuck. Ill postpone the
appointment Thursday night, but dont even
think about kissing me. The dentist said any pressure in the wrong spot might
lead to swelling."
"Grrowwwrrr. Now youre turning me
"Did you hear Daria has to give a lecture
on sex," Quinn piped in during the
Tuesday meatloaf dinner.
"Is that true Daria?" Helen asked.
"Do you need our help. . . Jake . . . say
"Well Daria . . . " Jake began
thoughtfully putting down his fork. "Boys are
different than girls. Boys like sports and uhhh, . . . girls like shopping. Buying
bright clothing and wearing perfume and makeup to attract. . . "
"Jake! Youre no help!" Helen
cut him off. "Your father and I learned about
sex the right way. . . "
Flashback to Jake and Helen in a dorm room,
smoking from a hookah and
kissing while "Disco Duck" plays in the background.
. . . . it was one of the most beautiful
mother/daughter talks we ever had."
"Well, I am going to do my own
survey," Quinn said.
"QUINN!" Helen shouted.
"Well, at least I am not doing field
research like Daria!"
"DARIA!" Helen and Jake shouted
While this was going on, Daria thought things
could not get much worse . . .
"Hey Diarrhea, . . . you, u-huh, huh, huh,
wanna know about u-huh, huh huh,
sex?" Butt-head offered.
"Yeah, sex, sex se.e.e.E.E.EX",
Beavis feverishly chanted.
"So, u-huh, huh, do you want to have
u-huh, huh sex here or wait until we get
home," Butt-head suggested.
"Yes, it could be worse," Daria said
"Hey, great practice Kevin."
"Thanks Mark," said Kevin as he high
fived him. Kevin thought life was
wonderful. Kevin made his usual great plays, it was the middle of the week
and Sue, MaryJane and Barbara, members of the varsity cheerleaders,
watched his every move.
"Hmmm . . . , every move," Kevin
Whoops, Kevin caught himself. Mustn't draw any
undue attention to himself.
He might have to reveal his techniques on getting babes. Looking around the
room, however, boosted his confidence. He looked much better in his towel
than they did.
"Hmmm . . . , moves, technique, babes . .
Yes, Kevin believed he had an angle on which to
make his speech about sex
the upcoming Tuesday. "Sex and the Male Athlete." Of course, names would
have to be changed as Brittany might suspect something. Brittany would
probably base her speech on him. "Sex, the Male Athlete and the
Cheerleaders That Love Them." And he was meeting her in the mall tonight
for a date.
Yes, life was wonderful, Kevin thought as he
dropped the book from his open
"Great play, Kevin," said Mack,
giving him a slap on the butt.
"Hey," Kevin thought, "athletes
arent supposed to do that when one is bent
over. You are supposed to do that when both are standing." Suddenly Kevin
felt himself breaking into a cold sweat. Is this Macks research? Is he going
to use my real name? Hey, there are guys in towels here! Kevin was going into
"Arrrrgugh!" Kevin gurgled as he
bolted out of the locker room, sans towel,
towards the woodshop class.
"Nice end run," one of the guys
Jane wasnt sure what to expect. "La
Cucaracha perhaps? Nah, Upchuck
lives with his parents."
"My, but you look ravishingly resplendent
tonight," said Upchuck upon
opening the door.
"You look, uh, interesting too," Jane
said looking at his purple smoking jacket.
"Do you smoke, Upchuck?"
"No, but its easier to slip
off," said Upchuck. "Come, let us repair to the
"Lead on, MacDuff," Jane replied.
"MacBeth had it easy," she thought to
Going up the stairs, she saw various family
photos. Could these traits be
hereditary? Nah, they look okay enough. I should keep this in mind for
"Ladies first," Upchuck said as he
ushered Jane into the lair.
Janes first thought was that if Upchuck
stopped talking and stood still in one
spot, he would disappear. The whole room was PURPLE! Even being an art
student, she never saw, or even thought, this many shades of purple was
possible. Walls, ceiling, drapes, bureau and probably the bed and sheets.
Probably, as it must be located the right of the door. She hadnt spotted it
immediately and wasnt about to go looking. Undue staring at it may excite
Upchuck too much . . . damn, blankets and pillows too. Where does one get
"You are admiring my lair? Would you like
to sign my guestbook now or wait
till after? Grrowwwr."
"Look Up . . . , Charles, there isnt
going to be a now or later. Im just here out
of curiosity and scholastic considerations. Besides, what are you going to do
for your speech?" Jane replied.
"Speech? Who needs to talk," Upchuck
said as he reached for a laquered
box on top of the bureau.
"Whoa, wait a minute, I dont really
need to see this."
"Ahh, but you mentioned you are curious!
This is special. And as per dentists
orders, I wont even touch you," Upchuck said as he opened the box while
The room was immediately flooded and overtaken
by a bluish light emanating
from the box. Janes eyes widened as the light began to pulsate.
Quinn waited in a grassy area in a somewhat
secluded spot nearby the
school. It was lunch time on Friday afternoon and the spot seemed safe
enough. The Fashion Club never frequented this area and only a few people
wearing outdated fashions were around. She had told Jamie, Jeffy and Joey
separately to meet her here in order to answer her survey. Quinn felt that
between them, she would get a representative response to her questions as
three answers would make a good average. "Hmmm . . .," she thought to
herself, "Algebra does serve a purpose."
"Hey, what are they doing here?"
"I thought you liked me more?"
Quinn then did something unusual. She thought
"Hi, Jeffy, Jamie and Joey. You are all
here to answer my special survey
cause I like all of you."
"Whats the survey about?"
"Tell us, Quinn."
**Note** The author, like Quinn, feels that Jeffy, Jamie and Joey are
interchangeable, and unless otherwise noted, their responses are as well.
"Well, its a survey on dating."
"This areas too open."
"Couldnt we meet somewhere
"Well, here is perfect," said Quinn.
"This way my results wont be affected by
any undifferentiated circumcised bias."
" . . . ."
Well, they certainly seemed impressed! Not only
was algebra useful, but so
was Daria! Wow, this is amazing Quinn thought to herself. Quinn then took out her
coordinated pen and pad set containing her questions.
"Okay guys, first question, Would you . .
"Wait, do we need a matching pen,
"Are these multiple choice or
"How bout true or false?"
"No, just answer the questions as best as
possible. Now, would you date a
girl who was wearing last years fashions?"
"What does she look like?"
"Thats not the point, Joey. . .
Would you date a girl . . . "
"I read that alot of these fashions are
made in Nicaraguan sweatshops."
"Jeffy, please answer the question."
"Does she have a sense of humor?"
"Look . . . okay, next question. If you
took me to a party and another girl was
wearing the same dress as me, would . . . ?"
"What does she look like?"
"Are you both wearing last years
"Jeffy, let me finish the question . . .
If you took me to a party and another girl
was wearing the same dress as me, would you be willing to take me home?"
"What kind of food do they have
"Thats not important," said
"Yes, it is!," said Jamie,
"Besides, I didnt eat lunch before I came here."
"Neither did I."
"Yeah, theyre serving pizza in the
"Look, just answer the question, would you
take me home?"
"Great, thats one point for each of
you," said Quinn.
"So this is, like, a tie?"
"No, its just a survey," said
Quinn, "I am looking for an average opinion."
"Hey, this is fun!"
"If I said I liked jocks, would you . .
"Why, not. Awesome, another tie."
"Look guys. Think about what you are
saying at least. Ill go to the next
question." Quinn saw that it was her favorite question on the survey. "If we
were going out for, like, more than two weeks, would you do my homework for
me if I had to go out that night?"
"Really, thats disappointing. No
points for that one."
"No . . . wait."
"Yes, I would."
"Id to it double spaced."
"No, you cant change your minds. It
either has to be yes or no."
"This isnt fun guys."
"Cant we have at least one multiple
"Whats the passing grade?"
Quinn packed up her stuff and walked away.
Undifferentiated bias or not,
shed make up something impressive to tell Daria.
"Is there a makeup survey."
"What about a bell curve."
"Is the pizza still warm? Ill race
Well, Daria thought to herself, its
Saturday night and I am sitting here in
Trents basement, listening to him play his guitar. Jane is out at the Pizza
Palace and her parents went to an alternative rock concert.
The stairs are a little uncomfortable but at least I am not sitting on the floor
next to him.
Whats wrong with me? Why cant I sit
next to him? Because Im Daria.
"Got good lyrics."
Well that certainly set the mood. Hmmm. . .
probably doesnt clean much.
Some of the groups on the posters no longer play together.
These step splinters are beginning to get to me. Ill stand now. No, Trents
looking at me. Ill wait till he plays another song.
"Do you know Serrated Razors?"
That piece has a long instrumental break in it.
Oww, forgot about the low
overhead. Hope my glasses didnt break. Nope . . . and hes still playing.
Good thing he didnt notice. Hey, hes pretty good. I should say something.
"Didnt that group break up last
Didnt that group break up last year? This
is ridiculous! Some speech Im
going to have. I cant even talk to someone of the opposite sex. Ill ask him
"Are you harrassed by groupies?"
That was pretty stupid . . . no, wait. Hmmmm .
. . he says even at local clubs.
"Trent, thats interesting. Maybe we
can discuss this further at the pizza
Hey, that wasnt so difficult. Besides
Jane will be there too.
As they walked out the front door and Trent
locked it behind him, Daria turned
and saw Jane standing at the front of the house.
"Well, where are you two going?" Jane
"Just off for some pizza," Trent
"Hmmm . . . your date seems like a nice
girl. Your name is Daria
Morgendorfer, isnt it? I know your parents. You make sure to bring Trent
home by 11:30. Have a nice time kids!"
Jane then took Daria aside. "You okay,
"Yeah . . . I guess . . ."
The classroom was bathed in a bluish, pulsing
light that reflected off all the
desktops and into the students faces.
"Charles, that is quite enough."
Mrs. Phillips, substituting for the disposed
Mr. DiMartino, had seen enough.
So had the students.
"Oh, terribly sorry Mrs. Phillips,"
said Upchuck closing the box. "Many mon
pardones." He bowed and then returned to his seat
"Visual aids are always helpful, Charles,
and that aspect of your presentation
was excellent. However, your verbal skills are sorely lacking. Your speech
just cant consist of feast your eyes on this, ladies.... Well,
well discuss your
grade later after class."
"Upchuck seemed satisfied. Grrowwwrl,
feisty! he said to himself.
"Quite a presentation," Daria said to
"Eh, been there, done that," said
Jane indifferently. "So, what surprises await
us in your speech?"
Daria was nervous. This time, she hauled Jane
from their previous class to
make sure they got seats in the back, going under the assumption that the
substitute teacher would call on people in the front and work her way to the
back. In some ways, she was lucky Mr. DiMartino wasnt here, as he did call
on her often figuring he would get a more intelligent presentation or answer to
a question. However, he would be out for quite a while. Rumors had him
strapped down in a padded room.
"Its all so confusing and a bit
depressing," Daria said. "My parents arent
really a help and Quinn seems better adjusted than I am. Cynicism only gets
you so far. Even Trent . . . "
"Yeah, I know youre confused and
nervous, but dont let it get you down.
Trents that way too. We all are. Dont be. Relax. It will all clear up soon.
knows? You might even do something to shock our forefathers."
Daria began a smile . . .
. . . that then passed.