GeoCitesSites.com

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is
*not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write.
Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for
fanfics....

This is the fourth fic in my chronology. Although I don't have to list the
others in order anymore, I will: 1) "Rose-Colored Lenses," 2) "The Tie That
Chokes," 3) "That Thing You Say." This isn't really a follow-up, although
it does allude to my last fanfic.

I'd give this fic a 1.5S, maybe even a 1S. It's a fairly quick read...

Moreover, the tone of this episode is strikingly different from that of
"That Thing You Say" or even "The Tie That Chokes." It's lighter... and,
some would say, more wicked. If you're a hardcore 'shipper who can't bear
to see Trent *or* Daria with anyone else, my message to you is as follows:
Get *away*! Get awaaaaaaaaaay!! Don't read this!

The rest of you.....................enjoy!

Ten Spot Promo: The freaked-out woman is standing in the dark, holding a
candle. She looks around, quivering, "W-who's there??" Then the scary
looking guy shows up behind her. *Eek*!

[intro theme music...................]

'SHIPPED OUT -- by Kara Wild

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (a land unknown)

(Pink clouds swirl around. Soft New Age music plays. In the distance, we
see a silhouette of Trent. Suddenly, the clouds part, and Trent walks
forward into the foreground. He stares straight ahead offscreen, smiles a
crooked smile.)

TRENT: (purring. voice echoing) Daria?

(Pause. cut to close-up Daria. She's standing there, wearing her
dreamy-eyed "Trent" expression.)

DARIA: (sweet. vulnerable) Yes, Trent?

TRENT: You know, I've never said this before, but I think you've really
*grown* on me.

DARIA: *Really*, Trent?

TRENT: Yeah. In fact, I'd really like it if we could (pause) get *together*.

DARIA: Get together?

TRENT: Yeah, get *together*.

DARIA: Cool. (Pause. frowns slightly and speaks in her normal reasonable
tone) But, by *getting together*, wouldn't we be violating several
statutory rape laws?

(Beat)

TRENT: What's "statutory rape"?

DARIA: I dunno.

(cut to close-up Trent. We see only his face and upper torso, which is
bare. He cocks an eyebrow. cut to close-up Daria. We see only her face
and upper shoulders -- also bare. Daria wears a smirk that is about as
close to a smile as she can get. Suddenly, from offscreen, we hear a
piercing beep. Daria frowns and glances sideways...)

(Suddenly *poof*, everything vanishes. We find Daria in bed, opening her
eyes. She glances at her alarm clock, a confused expression on her face.
Her confusion quickly turns to irritation . She glares at the alarm clock,
then reaches over and wacks the snooze button with her fist. Sits up, puts
a hand on her forehead, realizes she's all sweaty.)

DARIA: (stunned and a little breathless) Whoa.

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (walking to school the next morning)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking down a residential sidewalk.)

DARIA: I had that dream again last night.

JANE: The one where we burst into song?

(Beat. Daria makes a sour face.)

DARIA: *Ugh* -- God, no. (Bt) But this one was almost as bad. It --

(Jane puts her hands up.)

JANE: *Wait* -- say no more. (Bt) Daria, if you're gonna say what I
*think* you're gonna say, please spare me the details. He's my *brother*,
remember?

DARIA: Sorry.

(Pause)

JANE: (hushed) Wow, second one in a week. (Bt) You've really got it bad
for him, haven't you?

(Daria looks embarrassed to be talking about this.)

DARIA: (muttering) Yeah. I've gone from petty crush to committing penal
code violations. What's next?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: I dunno. But do yourself *one* favor: next time you dream about
*ugh* (shudders to indicate the act) with my brother, dream yourself a few
years *older*, okay??

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (O'Neill's class)

(Shot of O'Neill, his back to us, scribbling stuff on the board. We see
the title *Othello* with arrows pointing downward to "Othello" and
"Desdemona," along with some other names. cutto frontal close-up Daria and
Jane, sitting at their desks. Daria stares at the board impassively. Jane
leans toward her.)

JANE: (hushed) Remember what I told you about hitting him with the
megaphone and floodlights??

DARIA: (resolute) No.

JANE: But think of the possibilities!

DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah -- the possibility of me being dragged off in a
white coat without sleeves because *no* one in their right mind would do
something *that* stupid.

(Jane tosses her hands in the air, sits up straight at her desk.)

JANE: (a bit exasperated) Okay, *fine*. Do you have any *better* ideas??

DARIA: (mumbling. uncertain) Um, well I was just, um...

(Jane smirks with satisfaction.)

JANE: I thought not. (Bt. more serious) Listen, Daria, I'm really
starting to think you should just tell Trent how you feel about him, the
sooner the better.

DARIA: And if I choose to suffer in silence?

(Jane shrugs, looks a tad resigned.)

JANE: Well, then, there's the possibility... I don't know, that he could
*meet* somebody.

(Pause. For a second, Daria just sits there, blinking her eyes and looking
startled. She's never thought about this before -- has never *wanted* to.)

DARIA: (somewhat distressed) You're not serious??

(Jane realizes that she's stumbled into delicate territory. Tries to make
light of it.)

JANE: Well, no... hey, I'm just speculating... (bursts out a chuckle or
two) I mean, this is *Trent* we're talking about.

DARIA: (relieved. smirking) Yeah -- it's enough he manages to clothe and
feed himself. Dating would kill him.

(Cut to shot of O'Neill in the front of the room. He turns around and
faces the class, hands clasped together in an "oh boy, *goody*" manner.)

O'NEILL: Class, today we bid farewell to our beloved incompetent monarch,
King Lear, and start our focus on one of Shakespeare's most famous couples
--

(Brittany waves her hand.)

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) Romeo and Juliet??

(Pause)

O'NEILL: Uh... no, Brittany. (gestures at the blackboard) Othello and
Desdemona.

JANE: (hushed. to Daria) To think how much that poor girl must've had to
strain her brain to come up with that.

DARIA: (barely comprehending murmur) Mmmm...

(She wears a reflective expression. Jane sees that she's not entirely
"with it" and turns her attention back to O'Neill.)

O'NEILL: (taking this too seriously tone) Othello and Desdemona -- such a
lovely pair, yet everything went so *wrong*. Why is that??

(Cut to close-up Daria, still reflective.)

O'NEILL: (offscreen) Why were two people from *such* different worlds
drawn together in the first place? Othello, a black Moor in a white
society.....

(O'Neill's voice fades away. Suddenly, the whole scene fades out. fade-in
to a fantasy scene taking place several years later. Daria and Trent are
standing with Helen and Jake by the Morgendorffers' front door. Daria,
Helen, and Jake all look the way they did in the "Write Where It Hurts"
fantasy future sequence. Trent looks about the same as we're used to
seeing him -- only he's got a full goatee, a receding hairline, and a bit
of a spare tire. Helen and Jake appear distressed, while Daria is calm,
but determined.)

HELEN: But you two are so *different*!

JAKE: Yeah! (gestures at Daria) You're a successful columnist at a major
national newspaper *and* are on tenure track at a world-class university,
while he's, he's a -- (gestures at Trent)

TRENT: (deadpan) A musician.

(Daria puts her arms around his waist.)

DARIA: (defending him) An artist. A poet about life.

(Trent looks at her questioningly. Then his face goes reflective.)

TRENT: Hmm... (likes the way "poet about life" sounds)

(Beat)

HELEN: (still distressed) But what about that *nice* boy, Marcello?
Weren't you two going out??

DARIA: (scoffing) Marcello's a pompous intellectual sealed away in his
ivory tower. Whereas Trent 's out where life is happening. He tries to
change society through song.

TRENT: Um, yeah. (a slightly puzzled look on his face)

(Meanwhile, Jake's going into his explosive mode.)

JAKE: Well *I'm* not gonna *stand* for it!!!

HELEN: (cautioning) Jakey, your heart...

JAKE: I don't *care*, Helen! (to Daria) I'm telling you, Daria, if you
*marry* this jerk, I'm cutting you out of my will!!!

HELEN: (resigned) Jake, don't *bother* -- it won't make a difference.
(Bt) She's *already* earned millions of dollars from her three
award-winning best sellers, not to mention thousands more on the lecture
circuit.

JAKE: (realizing she's right. resigned, too) Hmm, oh yeah.

(Daria turns to Trent.)

DARIA: C' mon, let's go before the chapel closes.

(Trent cocks a brow.)

TRENT: Yeah, we are *there*, baby.

(A slight frown passes across Daria's face. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High hallway, the present -- toward the end of the day)

(Close-up Jane.)

JANE: Earth to Daria.

(Cut to wide shot. Daria's standing by her locker, in a daze. She shakes
her head, comes to.)

DARIA: (startled) Huh?

JANE: (puzzled. amused) Geez, you've been a *space* cadet all day. What's up?

DARIA: (still a bit dazed) Uh, what time is it? (looks down, checks her
watch) Oh -- time to leave.

JANE: I see your watch finally works.

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: Actually, I bought a new one while Amy was here. (holds it up for
Jane to see) You know, sometimes shopping *does* have its advantages.

(Jane looks. Her face lights up with awe.)

JANE: Whoa! That's a watch?! You sure it's not a mini nuclear explosive
device?

(Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: Whatever gets me through life. (Bt) Check out the *stun* feature.

(Jane examines it. Then, from offscreen: )

BRITTANY: *Yoo-hoo*?? Daria? Jane?

JANE: (to Daria. hushed. wry) And here's your chance to *use* it.

(Brittany and Kevin walk onscreen. Brittany, of course, wears a vacant
expression and is twirling a lock of hair. Kevin, of course, is his goofy
self. Daria points her watch at them as if prepared to take Jane's advice.)

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful and oblivious to Daria's intentions) Gosh, you
guys, Kevvy and I were talking and *we* think Othello's, like, a
super-romantic play. Don't *you* think so??

(Daria lowers her watch.)

DARIA: (deadpan) If, by "romantic," you mean pathetic and sad, then yes.

JANE: The part when Othello kills Desdemona always gives me a warm and
squishy feeling inside.

BRITTANY: Me *too*!

(Daria and Jane groan.)

JANE: Listen, we'd love to stay and discuss the play's parallels with
modern inter-racial dating, but -- (nudges Daria)

DARIA: (looking at her watch) Yeah, but...

JANE: -- we have to go. *Don't* we, Daria?

DARIA: Yeah, we're late for our, uh, meeting.

(Kevin scratches his head.)

KEVIN: (confused) Gosh, for nerds who, like, don't belong to anything
*cool*, you guys always seem to gotta go somewhere.

BRITTANY: (to Daria) Yeah. You're always checking your watch.

DARIA: (deadpan) Actually, we *do* belong to something "cool": we're part
of the Consciencious Objectors Society.

JANE: Very exclusive. Takes up almost *all* our time.

BRITTANY: Gee, where *is* this Conscious Objectors Society?

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: We'd tell you, Brittany, but I'm afraid your and Kevin's kind just
wouldn't be accepted among us.

BRITTANY: Eap!

KEVIN: But we're popular!

JANE: (faux apologetic) I *know*, and that's what makes it so hard to
understand.

DARIA: Happy reading.

(They leave, while Brittany and Kevin scratch their heads with wonder. pan
shot to follow Daria and Jane walking. Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: (mischievous) How 'bout we swing by *my* house? You-know-who will
be there practicing.

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Um, didn't you hear what I said? Consciencious
Objectors Society meeting?

JANE: Oh no -- you're not playing consciencious objector *this* time around.

DARIA: (mildly annoyed) Well if *that's* your attitude (sighs. shrugs),
*fine*. Let's go.

(They walk silently. Then we hear an offscreen voice-over: )

TRENT: There's no *way* we're like Kevin and Brittany.

(Cut to a shot of the older Daria and Trent riding in a car. Trent lounges
in the front passenger seat, looking half-asleep, wearing a crooked smile.
Daria's driving and smirking.)

DARIA: Yeah. Theirs was a marriage gone horribly, horribly wrong.

TRENT: Ex-actly.

DARIA: What with Kevin busting his knee in college and having to take a
price checker's job at the local mini mart.

TRENT: And Brittany having never finished high school 'cause Kevin got her
pregnant on prom night. (Bt) They're not like *us*, Daria. I'm *me*, and
you're a sexy, courageous, intelligent woman with an amazing ability to see
life for what it is and deliver that ever so apt line to describe it.

(Daria smirks, flattered.)

DARIA: Thanks, Trent! (Bt) Oh, and by the way: did I mention that my mom
said Quinn delivered the twins safely this morning?

(Trent rolls his eyes.)

TRENT: (amused. condescending) *How* many does that make, now??

DARIA: A litter.

TRENT: That's *pathetic*.

DARIA: Yeah, and maybe some day, Dr. Jamie'll find it in his heart to do
the right thing: give them away to good homes, and have my sister spayed.

(Trent bursts out chuckling, coughs.)

TRENT: *Good* one. (Bt) You know, while some may find your witty barbs
to be in socially poor taste, *I* think they're entirely appropriate.

DARIA: (more flattered) *Thanks*. (Bt) I guess that's why we make such a
good team.

TRENT: Yeah. I can't *wait* to take you out to L.A. with me and the rest
of Mystik Spiral.

(Pause. Daria frowns a little.)

DARIA: Um, L.A.?

TRENT: That's where you *go* if you want to make it in the music business.

DARIA: (frowning more) Oh, um, you do?

TRENT: Mmm-hmm. We really wanna *share* our message with the world.

(Daria looks slightly mollified.)

DARIA: Oh, well, when you put it *that* way. (Pause) I guess I can take
a leave of absence from my teaching.

TRENT: Hey, cool. For however long it takes.

(Daria glances at him with a vaguely wary expression. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (walking to the Lanes' house, afternoon, the present)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking down a residential sidewalk.)

JANE: (uncomprehending) So when she tried to hug you, you *ducked* under
her arms and ran into the bathroom??

DARIA: You make it sound so immature.

JANE: (sarcastic) Gee, I don't know why -- it's something any mature,
sound-minded adult would do.

DARIA: I thought as much at the time.

(Beat. Jane rolls her eyes, sighs a little.)

JANE: Daria, I don't *get* it: I thought you an' your mom were cool, now.
After you poured your guts out to her in that song --

(Now it's Daria's turn to roll her eyes.)

JANE: -- which I'd like to *hear*, sometime, by the way.

DARIA: You will -- some day, when the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are
beating down our doors, I might hum you a few bars.

JANE: You're too kind.

(Beat)

DARIA: Look, I'll confess that I *do* feel closer to my mom since I wrote
that song. (Bt) But she has to realize I'm not ready for warm-and-fuzzy
girltalk over cafe au lait.

JANE: (deadpan) Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

DARIA: Which is exactly what I told her. (Bt) I think she's getting the
idea.

(Jane chuckles slightly.)

JANE: Yeah, and compared with a relationship between *you* two, Rome was
probably a *lot* easier to build.

(Daria frowns mildly at her. Offscreen, we suddenly hear a huge *bang* and
the loud sound of an electric guitar. Jane smirks wickedly at Daria.)

JANE: Well *look* who's home.

DARIA: (annoyed) Gee, I'd've never guessed. (Bt. tries vainly to weasle
out of going to Jane's.) You know, with all the vibrations from that
guitar, your T.V. reception's probably pretty distorted. We'd better go
over to my place. (starts to turn around)

(Jane puts an arm on her shoulder.)

JANE: *Not* so fast. You're fate awaits you in that house, my dear friend.

(Daria glares at her.)

DARIA: And hopefully yours, as well. Maybe you'll meet your maker.

JANE: Don't try to be cute with me, now.

(Shot of the Lanes' house. Jane and Daria walk up the front walkway, Daria
dragging behind.)

JANE: (still wicked) You know, a song would be the *ideal* way to show
Trent you care.

DARIA: Not a chance. My humiliation reached its peak with the last one.

JANE: A stanza?

DARIA: Nope.

(They reach the door. Jane's about to open it.)

DARIA: The music seems louder than usual today --

(As she says this, Jane opens the door, and they're greeted by a wave of
loud music that almost knocks them off their feet. cut to shot of Trent,
sitting on the stairs in the foreground, strumming an electric guitar --
different from the one he played in "That Thing You Say." Daria and Jane
are in the background. They walk up to Trent, wearing pained, peevish
expressions.)

JANE: (yelling) Yo, Trent! You're scaring the whole neighborhood with
that racket!

(Trent stops playing.)

DARIA: (right as he stops, so he can hear) Or at least giving them
permanent hearing loss. (claps a hand over her mouth, reddens a bit, when
she realizes what's happened)

TRENT: Sorry. (smiles a crooked smile) Hey Janey, Daria.

JANE: Hey. (glances at Daria, nudges her)

DARIA: (still embarrassed) Uh... hey.

TRENT: School's out already? (Bt) Man, I've been on a tear. Lost all
track of time.

JANE: (disbelief) You stayed awake for more than an hour?

(Trent shrugs slightly.)

TRENT: Just about.

(Pause. Jane looks at Daria again, who still appears somewhat embarrassed.)

JANE: (pointedly) Gosh, Daria, would ya look at that. Trent's just
sitting here. Right here. In front of you. Easy to talk to. (more
pointedly) *Really* easy.

(Pause. Daria opens her mouth slowly, as if to speak. Then she shakes
herself out of her trance.)

DARIA: Uh, but easier to *listen* to. (Bt) So, Trent, was that a new
song you were playing?

TRENT: Yeah. It's called "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire." (Bt) Say, Daria,
you're good with words. Could ya help me out with something?

DARIA: Um, sure. What d' you need?

TRENT: Which d' you think sounds better? "I'm slow-cooking, watch me
burn," or "I'm slow-*roasting*"?

JANE: (deadpan) Tough choice.

(Pause. Daria frowns with thought.)

DARIA: Well, er, slow-*roasting*, I guess. It has more sizzle.

TRENT: Cool. Thanks.

(Pause)

JANE: (glancing at Daria) So now that we're past the formalities --

DARIA: (purposely cutting her off) Trent, why don't you *play* the song
for us?? (glances sideways at Jane, frowns)

(Trent cocks an eyebrow.)

TRENT: Sure. Be glad to.

(He strums his guitar, launches into the song. cut to close-up Daria,
wearing a relieved expression. fade-out.)

(fade-in to a flashback, taking place a little more than a week ago -- the
afternoon Daria wrote her song with Trent in "That Thing You Say." Daria's
sitting on a beanbag chair in Trent's room. Trent sits on the bed, holding
the guitar he played in TTYS. Daria hums a few suggestive notes, then
Trent strums them on the guitar. Daria nods. Trent strums them a second
time, sings: )

TRENT: (softly) "And this feeling I can't fight it... 'cause it's growing
ev'ry day... so I guess I'll have to write it... and let-it-show-some-way."
(Pause) This is nice.

DARIA: (muttering. embarrassed) Hmm, yeah.

(Beat)

TRENT: Your mom'll like it.

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: I *hope* so.

(Trent starts strumming the cords again. Suddenly Daria's face takes on a
look of horror.)

DARIA: I just realized something. (Trent stops playing.) I'm gonna have
to *sing* this to my mom.

TRENT: Hey, no problem. I'll take care of it.

(Daria's horror changes to bewilderment.)

DARIA: You mean *you'll* sing the song??

TRENT: Sure.

(Pause. Daria can't believe her good luck. She smiles/smirks.)

DARIA: Thanks, Trent. (Bt. glances around) I guess we need a tape
recorder, then...

TRENT: Or better yet, how 'bout I just come over and sing it later?
Hearing it live'd make it, I dunno, more *personal*.

(Beat. Daria frowns slightly.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Personal. My song sung by someone *else* in front of my
entire family. (Bt. shrugs) Your idea has merit.

TRENT: Cool. So let's do it, then.

(Beat. Daria nods, smirks.)

DARIA: Yeah, let's.

(Trent starts strumming the melody again. Daria nods her head slowly to the music. fade-out.)
(fade-in to the present. close-up Daria, still listening to
Trent playing his song. She wears a dreamy expression. From offscreen: )

TRENT: "I'm in *flames*!!!!! Burning-burning hell, burning-burning
heeeeeeeeelllll...!!!!!"

(Cut to wider shot. Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: You just *had* to encourage him, didn't you??

(Daria glances at her briefly, shakes her head. Turns her face away,
launches into another daydream. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of a living room in an apartment. The older Daria sits at
a table in the foreground, looking as though she was just typing something
on her Mac laptop. Her chair is turned aside a little, and she leans
toward the older Trent, who is lounging on the couch in the background.
He's holding a guitar.)

TRENT: And to think, it was *that* song that set it in motion.

(Daria smirks, nods.)

DARIA: Yeah.

TRENT: Our working together to create "Through Rhyme" enabled me to see
through your stand-offish exterior to the strong, sensitive woman within.

DARIA: Uh-huh.

TRENT: And now... it's *our* song.

(He starts to play it. Daria looks sort of uncomfortable.)

DARIA: Um, Trent?

(Trent stops.)

TRENT: Mmm-hmm?

DARIA: Actually, that's my mom's song. I wrote it for her. Could you
play something else?

(Beat)

TRENT: Oh. Sure thing, baby.

(Daria frowns. Trent starts strumming music to the Lightening Seeds' "You
Showed Me" from "Road Worrier.")

TRENT: (singing) "You... showed me how to do... exactly what you do, how I
fell in love with you... oh-oh-oh --"

(Daria interrupts him.)

DARIA: Um, Trent?

(Trent stops.)

TRENT: Yeah?

(Beat)

DARIA: Um, could you *not* call me "baby"? (Bt) My dad just stopped
calling me "kiddo." I'd like to leave the infantile name stage behind me.

(Pause. Trent shrugs.)

TRENT: (non-chalant) Yeah, sure. It's cool.

(He starts playing the "Road Worrier" song again. Daria wears an uneasy
half-smirk. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the present. Close-up Daria, wearing that same expression.
Offscreen, we hear the sound of Trent finishing his song. cut to wide
shot.)

JANE: (deadpan) Marvellous, Trent. Another winner.

TRENT: Thanks. (Bt) It's gonna be part of Mystik Spiral's first album.
(Bt) Hey Daria, you wanna see the cover design Janey made for me?

DARIA: Sure.

JANE: (to Daria. sarcastic) Oh yes, *do* have a look.

(Trent reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper. He
straightens it out, then holds it up to Daria. It's blank, except for a
symbol drawn in black ink. Daria examines it and frowns.)

TRENT: So, what d' you think?

(Pause)

DARIA: It's, um... (long Pause) very... (scrunches her nose) *symmetrical*?

(Trent nods.)

TRENT: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?

JANE: (sarcastic) *Yes*, after all my hours of hard work, *he* picks the
design shaped like the head of Hello Kitty.

(Trent shrugs.)

TRENT: Whatever works.

(Bt. Jane changes the subject.)

JANE: So Trent, what *brings* you above ground during daylight hours,
anyway? (Bt) Did the bats fluttering around your room distract you from
your work?

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: No. (Bt) I just came up here to say goodbye to Denise.

(Pause. Jane and Daria exchange wary glances.)

JANE: (to Trent. trying to sound non-chalant) Who's *Denise*? (Bt) A new
back-up singer?

TRENT: Naw, she's this girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks.

(Pause. Daria's eyes widen. Jane glances at her uneasily.)

JANE: (to Trent) You're *dating* again??

TRENT: Yeah -- finally. (chuckles, coughs) Ya know, it's funny, Janey --

(Cut to close-up Daria, still looking stunned.)

TRENT: (offscreen) -- I was starting to think I'd never meet anyone right
for me. But Denise just kinda fell into my lap...

(With that, Daria lowers her face a little. We hear a few cords from the
"Road Worrier" song, followed by a huge crashing sound of someone *loudly*
hitting the wrong cord.)


****************
END OF ACT ONE

[Split screen of present Daria sitting in Trent's beanbag chair and older
Daria looking at Trent from the table.]

***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
on television.***

1) "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Andrea's finally talking to Daria.
But will Daria like what she has to say?? (shots of Daria standing in front
of the school bathroom mirror while Andrea stares at her, Quinn grabbing a
sheet of paper away from Sandi) Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

2) Slim Fast: I'm a little shocked they're still marketing this stuff -- I
thought it would go out of style like the rest of the "no pain, no gain"
diet approaches of the '80's. Back when I was younger and more insecure
about my body, I actually tried S.F. for a couple of days. It tasted like
crap and left me full for about 5 seconds. After that, even Richard
Simmons looked good...

3) Those MTV safe sex commercials where a bunch of college students are
dancing around a room and going, "Oh *no*, he/she's *clean*, I can tell."
For once, I'm not quite sure *why* this commercial bugs me; I mean, it's
got a good message (i.e: wear condoms during sex). I guess it's because
it's shown on MTV: sometimes I think MTV has sex on the brain. Wait, no,
*all* the time...

***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (same as before: the Lanes' house, afternoon, the present)

(Shot of Daria, Jane, and Trent as they were before. Daria looks crushed.
Jane glances at her, then turns to Trent, frowning.)

JANE: Why didn't you *tell* me you were seeing someone?

(Trent shrugs.)

TRENT: I dunno, it didn't occur to me. We're only --

JANE: (peevish tone -- as if *she's* the one he's wronged) *Didn't* occur
to you?? Trent, I'm your *sister*. What, does that, like, not *matter* to
you, or something?

TRENT: (concerned. pacifying) Hey Janey, I'm sorry... (He glances at
Daria, who's still downcast and seemingly oblivious to what's going on.
Thinks she's upset for Jane's sake. to Daria) Hey, I wasn't sure she was
worth it at first, y' know?

(His remark doesn't appear to register with Daria.)

JANE: (still peevish) *So*?? She's *still* someone in your life, Trent.
You could've brought her by when you *first* started going out, or at
least've given me some kind of *warning*.

(Beat. Trent blinks.)

TRENT: (confused) Warning 'bout *what*?

(Jane throws her hands up in the air.)

JANE: Well you'll never *know*, now, will you???

TRENT: Janey, I think you're making way too big a deal --

JANE: *Forget* it, Trent, just forget it. (makes a slicing gesture with
her hand that suggests "silence") I am *way* too mad at you right now --

TRENT: Jane, why're you acting like... a *mom*?

(Jane makes a big "Ix-nay" gesture.)

JANE: Hey, *what* did I just say?! (Bt) You know, Trent, I am *so* mad
at you right now, I don't even think I can stand to be in the same *house*.
Come on, Daria -- let's go.

(She starts to walk toward the door. Daria's frozen in place.)

JANE: (more urgent) *Daria*, I said come *on*. (taps her foot)

(Slowly Daria turns around and walks stiffly to the door. Jane opens it,
and they leave. Trent watches them go. He then shakes his head in a "I
don't get her" manner.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (walking)

(cut to outside shot, frontal of Jane and Daria. They walk quickly away
from the house. After a pause of several seconds: )

JANE: (hushed) Rebound, Daria, rebound.

(Daria glances at her.)

DARIA: (straining to sound non-chalant) I'm not bothered.

JANE: Oh yeah. That's only why you're walking like you're on a Nazi march.

(Daria looks down, notices how stiffly she's holding her arms. She relaxes
a little.)

DARIA: Hey, if Trent wants to go out with whoever he *wants*, who am *I*
to stop him??

JANE: Daria, this is *me* you're talking to. Listen, I can understand you
being upset --

(Daria frowns.)

DARIA: I am *not* upset. (Bt) Who Trent sees is *his* business.

JANE: And the fact that you've liked him for over a year means nothing?

DARIA: Look, Jane, you said it yourself: if I didn't tell Trent how I
felt, sooner or later he'd *find* somebody. Well your tarrot cards were
right. Now I'll just have to accept it.

(Beat)

JANE: (trying to find the bright side) Hey, maybe she's *not* the one.
Maybe he's tired of her already and they'll break up --

(Daria stops abruptly. Jane does, too.)

DARIA: (an edge in her voice) And *then* what, Jane? He'll come crawling
back to me, realizing the horrible mistake he's made?? (Bt) I don't think
so.

(Pause. Now Jane doesn't know what to say. She looks sympathetic and
resigned.)

DARIA: The sad truth is, Trent never noticed me because he was never
*meant* to notice me. We're five years apart. Our lives are completely
different. Who was I trying to kid??

(long Pause. Daria and Jane just stand there.)

DARIA: Um, Jane, if you don't mind, I'd kind of like to walk home alone.

(Beat)

JANE: I understand. (chuckles, rolls her eyes in a manner that suggests
she's trying to act amused) But gosh, *now* what'll I do? There's no way
I'm gonna spoil my big exit by heading back home.

DARIA: How 'bout tagging public property with your signature? It takes
time *and* it's expressive.

JANE: Now there you go. (turns, starts to leave. then, with concern)
You sure you'll be okay?

(Daria waves her hand in a "sure, sure" manner. She starts walking away.)

DARIA: I'll survive. (Bt) See ya.

JANE: Yeah. Bye.

(Cut to side shot of Daria walking away. She bows her head a little, wears
a sad expression. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, nighttime)

(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the bathroom. Daria's standing at
one of the sinks, dressed in her pajamas, staring at herself in the mirror.
She fingers her hair, then removes her glasses and looks at herself without
them. Then she puts them back on and stares at herself some more.
Finally: )

DARIA: (to her reflection. soft and decisive) You're an idiot. (Pause)
You're *such* an idiot.

(As she says this last bit, Quinn comes into the bathroom, also dressed in
her pajamas.)

QUINN: (chipper) No arguments, here.

(Daria glares at her as she takes her place at the other sink.)

DARIA: Excuse me, this is a private conversation. (Bt) Although given
the subject, I could see how you'd think otherwise.

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Excuse *me*, Daria, this is *my* bathroom, too. If you wanna act
like some kind of *weirdo* an' talk to yourself, go do it in your *own*
room.

DARIA: (snapping. defiant) *Fine*. I will.

(She stalks out of the bathroom. Quinn sighs contentedly and spreads out
her arms, happy to have the bathroom all to herself. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Daria sitting, slumped over, on the edge of her bed in
the dark. After several seconds, she finally, slowly, lies down. Grabs
the covers, curls up in a ball, gathers them around her, and closes her
eyes. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the fantasy sequence. close-up of the older Trent's face.
He's smiling a crooked smile.)

TRENT: Denise? *That* bitch? We were *never* serious.

(Cut to a wider shot. Trent and Daria are both sitting on the couch.
Trent has his arms wrapped around Daria's waist, and his face is maybe a
few inches from hers.)

DARIA: Yeah, well you really had me worried for a while.

TRENT: I'm sorry, my love. (Bt) She was just some girl I used to fill
the void 'cause I thought you didn't want me.

DARIA: (sweet. vulnerable) Not want you, Trent? Never.

TRENT: Well anyway, that's *all* in the past, now. (Bt) We're together,
and *nothin'* can tear us apart, right?

(Daria smiles -- *really* smiles.)

DARIA: Right.

(Trent leans toward her, tips her face upward, and gives her a long, deep
kiss.)

(Cut to shot of the present Daria. She's fallen asleep, looks more peaceful.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High cafeteria, a few days later)

(Shot of outside. cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting at their table.)

JANE: So, I was thinking, when we go to your house today --

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) *My* house, again?

JANE: Is there a problem?

DARIA: Only that you've been over each of the past three days.

JANE: (trying to sound non-chalant) Hey, it's just sometimes, what with
those big, heavy curtains over my windows, my room can feel sort of
stifling.

DARIA: (deadpan) Whereas the padded walls in *my* room really brighten up
the atmosphere.

JANE: Exactly.

(Pause)

DARIA: Jane, we can't avoid your house forever.

JANE: Can we at least try?

DARIA: No. (sighs. resigned) I'm just gonna have to accept that at some
point, I'll see Trent with Cherise.

JANE: Den-ise.

DARIA: (annoyed that Jane would even care if the name was right)
*Whatever*. (Pause) So, um, what's she like? (looks a little
uncomfortable)

JANE: (trying to sidestep) Don't know. I haven't seen her around much. I
don't think she and Trent are very close.

(Daria regards her with a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: *Be* honest.

(Jane shrugs, looks resigned.)

JANE: Well... it's hard to talk to someone who's locked to your brother's
lips.

(Daria looks startled and a bit crushed. She blinks several times. Jane
tries to soften the blow.)

JANE: Daria, I'm sorry -- I shouldn't've said it like that.

(Daria cocks a resigned eyelid.)

JANE: Well hey, you don't need to take this lying down. (Bt) We'll find
*you* a guy.

DARIA: No thanks. I'm taking my cue from Thoreau.

JANE: Thoreau?

DARIA: Yeah. *He* lived alone. *He* was happy.

JANE: *And* he lived in an age when a woman baring her ankle was
considered a sexual come-on. (Bt) Daria, we're in the *modern* world,
here. You can go after a guy if you want to.

DARIA: (resolute) Well I don't *want* to. (Bt) Seriously, I'm not
bothered by my single status.

(Suddenly, from offscreen, we hear Brittany and Kevin reading lines from
Othello.)

KEVIN: "Be, uhhh, thus as thou are dead, an' I will kill thee and love
thee after." (Bt) Hey, she's about to bite the dust. *Cool* babe -- I
mean, *Des*.

BRITTANY: Oh Othello-y, you're so silly! (Bt) Um "banish me, my lord,
but kill me not."

KEVIN: Hey Des, what's a "strumpet"?

BRITTANY: Kevvy! Just stick to the lines!

(Jane looks at Daria.)

DARIA: Not bothered. Other than by the fact that they've ruined a classic.

(Cut to wider shot of the table. Suddenly Jodie and Mack walk past,
holding hands. Jane looks at Daria.)

DARIA: Not bothered.

(Pause. She and Jane sit there.)

DARIA: (slowly, giving in) So, um, I wonder what Ted's up to these days.

(Pause. Jane looks uncomfortable.)

JANE: Oh well... I don't think you want to look him up.

DARIA: Why not?

JANE: He's sort of going with Stacy right now.
[*] see Austin Covello's "A Day in the Life of Stacy"

(Pause. Daria blinks, startled.)

DARIA: Stacy? *Fashion* Club Stacy??

JANE: (nodding) Yeah.

(Pause)

DARIA: (irritated) So *Skipper's* got a boyfriend and I *don't*?? *Now*
I'm bothered.

(Jane pumps a fist encouragingly.)

JANE: Well let's see what we can *do* about it, then. (Pause. looks
offscreen) Hey! Hey you!

(Daria looks in the direction she's looking, bewildered. We see a guy walk
onscreen. He's tall, with a scraggly beanpole body, a huge nose and Adam's
apple, and timid-looking eyes. Daria turns and glares at Jane.)

JANE: (to the guy. playful) I saw you lookin' at my friend a minute ago.

GUY: (stammering) I-I was just wonderin' where she got 'er jacket, that's
all. (his voice is squeaky and annoying, like that guy Corey's, the one
who likes Quinn)

JANE: (unfazed) Well why not sit with us, and I'm sure she'll give you
*all* the details.

(The guy sits down, next to Daria. Daria mouths an "I hate you" to Jane,
then turns to the guy.)

DARIA: You sure you want to take orders from a mental patient?

(The guy looks startled. He gazes blankly at Jane, blinks a few times.
Jane chuckles, waves her hand non-chalantly.)

JANE: Oh, she's just playing hard-to-get 'cause she's a little shy.
Aren't ya, Daria?

DARIA: (to the guy) You know, when she holds her head at certain angles,
you can see the scars from her cranial lobotomy.

(The guy looks at Daria, startled, then at Jane. His expression goes from
startled to sort of freaked. He starts to edge away, looking like he's
ready to bolt. Jane puts up her hand in a "stop" motion.)

JANE: She's kidding! She's kidding!

DARIA: (to the guy. cocking an eyelid) And her sense of perception's
out-of-whack.

JANE: (to the guy. urgent) *Please* sit. Stay. Tell us about yourself.
(Bt. chuckles) Like, for starters, your *name*.

(The guy freezes, looks uncertain. Finally: )

GUY: Um, my name's Barry.

(Beat)

JANE: (like it's the best thing she's ever heard) Barry! Great to meet
you! (Bt) Daria, say hi to Barry!

DARIA: (to Barry) Sometimes, the anti-depressant meds they put her on make
her a little... (waves her hand to indicate the word "fruity")

(Jane sighs an exasperated "At least *try*." Daria comprehends, rolls her
eyes. Looks at Barry again.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Hi, Barry.

JANE: So, Barry? What kind of school activities do you do?? Any sports?
Clubs? Chess club, math club, anything?

BARRY: Oh, I belong to the Taxidermy Society.

(Pause. Jane and Daria look at each other uneasily.)

DARIA: (slowly) I didn't know we *had* a Taxidermy Society.

BARRY: We didn't -- 'til *I* started one. I'm still looking for other
members...

(Daria closes her eyes.)

DARIA: Say no more.

(Pause. Then Jane does another encouraging fist pump.)

JANE: Well *hey*, he's a guy who takes *initiative*! (Bt) And you, um,
like to bring out the *life* in death. Don't you, Barry? (before he can
answer) Sure ya do. (Bt) Well, let's say we pick a new topic. Got any,
Daria?? (looks at her beseechingly)

DARIA: Oh, I'd prefer to trust *your* judgment, Jane.

(Jane rolls her eyes, annoyed.)

JANE: Fine, *fine*. (Bt) So, Barry, d' you like to read?

BARRY: (nodding) Uh-huh.

(Jane smirks at Daria. Daria cocks an eyelid with vague interest.)

JANE: Daria here likes the classics. Are you into any classic authors?

(Beat)

BARRY: Does L. Ron Hubbard count?

(Pause. Daria and Jane look at each other. Then they both close their
eyes and shake their heads.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Daria's room, after school)

(Close-up of the T.V. screen.)

SSW ANNOUNCER: "Can dogs and humans get *hitched*?? This couple in
Tennessee hopes to find out on the *next* Sick Sad World!!!"

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed, watching. The sound
fades into the background.)

DARIA: It was still a rotten trick.

JANE: Hey, like I *knew* he was gonna be such a big creep when he sat down.

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh I'm sure. (Pause. makes a sour face) I can't believe
I gave him my *phone* number.

JANE: I thought you gave him the number for Cashman's juniors department.

DARIA: That was the *first* one I gave him. (Bt) Then I buckled under
and gave him my own.

JANE: (satisfied) *Now* who's the foolish one?

(Daria looks at her with a "hardy har-har" expression. Turns away, sighs.
Cocks and eyelid.)

DARIA: Getting over Trent's gonna be harder than I thought. (Bt) But at
least there's a silver lining to this mess: you've still got Jesse.

(Jane chuckles and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (continuing) Our quartet hasn't completely shattered. (absorbs
Jane's chuckle) What??

(Pause)

JANE: (amused. resigned) Daria, I don't have anything going on with Jesse.
He's never ever noticed me, and frankly I'm starting to wonder if I even
care.

(Beat)

DARIA: (subdued) Oh.

(Pause)

JANE: Hey, look, the show's back on. (points to the screen)

(Daria nods and turns her face to the screen, but after several seconds,
you can tell she's not paying attention. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the future fantasy sequence. Older Trent's still lounging on
the couch, holding his guitar but not playing. Looks about ready to nod
off. Daria's in the foreground, typing away on her Mac laptop. Suddenly
she stops, notices the silence, and turns around to look at Trent. She
frowns, as if considering what to do next. Then: )

DARIA: (hesitent) Um, Trent?

(Trent's eyes widen as he tries to wake himself up.)

TRENT: Huh?

(Beat)

DARIA: I was thinking: now that we're married, it'd be real nice if we
could, you know, talk.

(Trent cocks a brow.)

TRENT: 'Kay. That sounds good.

(He sits up straighter. Daria comes over and sits beside him. long Pause.)

DARIA: So... um, how's your day been?

(Beat)

TRENT: Pretty damn tiring. I've been sitting here, trying to write a
song, and it hasn't come to me yet.

DARIA: Oh. That's too bad.

TRENT: Thought the clicking of your keyboard would keep me awake, but no
problem there. (yawns and stretches)

DARIA: (a bit flat) Oh.

TRENT: So how's *your* day been?

(Beat)

DARIA: (somewhat weary) Oh, um, about the same. (gestures at the computer)

TRENT: Ah...

(long Pause. Trent sits there, wearing a tranquil expression, while Daria
tries to figure out what to say next. Finally: )

DARIA: Um, got anything you'd like to discuss?

(Pause. Trent blinks.)

TRENT: I dunno. (Bt) It's your fantasy.

(Pause. Daria scratches her head.)

DARIA: Oh... yeah, right.

(*long* Pause)

TRENT: So? You wanna go to bed with me?

(Daria's eyes widen.)

DARIA: Um-um, okay.

(Suddenly we hear the sound of knocking offscreen. Daria gets a hold of
herself.)

DARIA: I wonder who *that* could be.

(Cut to shot of the door. Daria walks over to it. Trent remains behind,
slumped over on the couch in a sleepy pose. Daria opens the door to reveal
an older Jane and Jesse. Jane's all dressed in black, with long black
leggings and a smock-like top. Her hair is piled on top of her head.
Jesse, meanwhile, is dressed *exactly* the same as we've always seen him,
even minus the shirt. Still wears the same confused expression, too. The
only difference is that he's shaved all of his hair off.)

DARIA: Hi, you guys. (Bt. glances in Trent's direction.) Trent, why
don't you -- *Trent*?

(Trent's nodded off. Pause. Then Jane walks in and claps her hands together.)

JANE: Yo, Trent!

(Trent raises his head.)

TRENT: Huh? (sees Jane and Jesse) Oh, hey.

JANE: Sorry to interrupt your deep-thinking time.

TRENT: No, hey, it's cool.

DARIA: (to Jane) So what brings you by?

JANE: Jesse and Trent have to rehearse.

JESSE: Yuh.

(Daria stares at him for a second, then turns back to Jane.)

DARIA: Oh, I see. (Bt) So, um, was the drive here okay?

JESSE: Yuh.

JANE: Actually, we hit a traffic snarl and lost about an hour's time.

JESSE: Yuh.

(Pause. Jane frowns at him, as does Daria.)

DARIA: (to Jane) So you actually managed to *gather* from him that he and
Trent had to rehearse?

(Jane rolls her eyes.)

JANE: I looked for hidden meaning in his gestures.

JESSE: Yuh.

(Jane turns to him.)

JANE: (exploding) Would you *stop* saying that??!!

DARIA: Is that all he *can* say?

JESSE: Y-- (Jane puts her hand up. He stops.)

JANE: "Is that all he can say??" "Is that all he can *say*???" she asks.
(laughs hysterically) Yes, *dammit* that's *all* he can say!!! (turns to
Jesse) For the whole time we've been married, *every* answer to *every*
question. Do you love me? "Yuh." Do you think I'm sexy? "Yuh." Do you
support the U.N. peacekeeping mission to Bosnia? "Yuh." (Bt) If you say
"yuh" *one* more time, I'm gonna *explode*!!!

(Beat)

TRENT: (to Jesse) So bro, you ready?

JESSE: Yuh.

(Jane grabs her head.)

JANE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!

(Her face turns bright red, balloons, and explodes. She collapses on the
floor. Pause)

JESSE: (looking at her) Whoa.

(Beat)

TRENT: (also looking at her. to Daria) Is she dead?

DARIA: No. (Bt) My fantasies are never *that* malicious...

(They continue to stare at Jane. Suddenly, from offscreen: )

QUINN: (sing-songy) Oh, Daria!

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria. She shakes her head. cut to wider
shot. Quinn approaches her bed, holding one of her jackets by the tips of
her fingers.)

DARIA: (to Jane. deadpan) Do you know any *Daria*?

QUINN: (rushing on) Here's your jacket back. It's been in my closet,
like, *forever*.
[*] see "Monster," "The Old and the Beautiful"

DARIA: (to Quinn) Thanks. Now hang it up and be on your merry way.

(Quinn lays the jacket on the bed, next to Jane.)

QUINN: Um, I couldn't help overhearing --

JANE: (to Daria. dryly) Our secret plot to spread the anthrax virus
throughout New York's subway system? (Bt) *Damn*, we're done for.

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Not plans for one of your *dumb* fieldtrips. That other stuff
about Trent having a new girlfriend...

(Pause. Jane looks at Quinn, surprised. Then glances at Daria. Daria
rolls her eyes in a "She *knows*" manner.)
[*] Quinn found out about Daria's crush on Trent in "The Tie That Chokes."

QUINN: (continuing) Frankly, Daria, I think you could do better. *Anyone*
could. But --

JANE: (annoyed) *Excuse* me, that's my *brother* you're talking about.

(Quinn chuckles, as if this is the first time it's occurred to her, and
flings a hand at Jane.)

QUINN: Oh -- right. (Bt) Anyway, Daria, *I* know a way you can get 'im back.

(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid at her.)

DARIA: (warily interested) You do?

JANE: (under her breath) *This* should be good.

QUINN: Yeah. You just gotta make him *jealous*.

DARIA: (deadpan) Lure him with my feminine wiles.

QUINN: (continuing. oblivious) See, one week Skylar was ignoring me, so I,
like, got Joey, Jeffy, and John-John to *shower* me with all kinds of cool
stuff like flowers and jewelry and --

(Quinn's voice fades into the background. Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) You're not actually *buying* this, are you?

DARIA: No. (Bt) But she does have *one* point -- I gotta start taking
the offensive. Let's go over to your house tomorrow.

JANE: You sure you want to?

DARIA: Yeah, I'm sure.

QUINN: -- and *pretty* soon, they were fighting over who was gonna buy me
that *cute* little Miata in the car store window on Dega Street. Skylar's
still filling out the paperwork. (Bt) So you *see*, Daria, *that's* how
it's done!

DARIA: (deadpan) Wow. You're wisdom astounds me, Quinn.

QUINN: Now *you* could probably find some *loser* guy --

JANE: (nudging Daria. droll) Barry, can you read me?

(Daria glares at her.)

QUINN: -- and get *him* to make Trent jealous. (smirks satisfactorily)

(Beat)

DARIA: Sure. Right. I'll keep that in mind. (Bt) Now would ya *get* out??

QUINN: (serene) Gladly.

(She walks away, brushing her hands together as if to say, "My work here is
done." cut to close-up Daria. She sighs, then frowns, as if in thought.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (the Lanes' house, afternoon the next day)

(Shot of Daria and Jane approaching the walkway of Jane's house. Daria
still appears to be frowning with thought.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Make him jealous...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of the fantasy future living room. Older
Daria's typing on her laptop, or at least *trying* to. We hear the loud
sounds of Trent and Jesse playing "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire" offscreen.
Jane, her head once again intact, lies sprawled across the couch. The
slight rise and fall of her chest indicates she's still alive. Suddenly,
we hear the sound of knocking at the door.)

DARIA: Who could *that* be??

(Pause. cut to shot of the door. Daria walks over and opens it, revealing
a tall, broad-shouldered man in a turtleneck sweater and tweed coat. Daria
gazes at him, utterly shocked.)

DARIA: *Marcello*! What're *you* doing here??

(Marcello leans forward and takes her hand.)

MARCELLO: (husky Italian accent) Daria, I've come to take you away from
this place.

(Beat)

DARIA: But I --

(from offscreen: )

JANE: Well here we are.

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria. She shakes her head. cut to wider
shot. She and Jane are standing in the Lanes' hallway.)

JANE: So, how does it feel?

(Pause. Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: I haven't dropped dead, yet.

JANE: Good. Maybe we can escape to my room before we're spotted.

(Daria nods. They start going upstairs. Suddenly, from offscreen: )

TRENT: Hey Janey, Daria.

(They cringe and turn around as Trent approaches them.)

DARIA: Um... hi... Trent.

(Trent cocks a brow.)

TRENT: (to Daria) Long time, no see.

JANE: (sardonic) Yeah, well you've been pretty *busy* these days.

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: You're right. (Bt) And as a matter of fact, I've been thinking:
you guys 'n me ought to spend more time together.

(Beat. Daria and Jane gaze at each other with "dare we *hope*?" expressions.)

TRENT: Me 'n Denise are going to a concert in the park on Saturday, an' we
thought maybe you could tag along.

(Pause. Daria's face is now expressionless. Jane glances at her and frowns.)

JANE: (to Trent) *Excuse* me, but we have *plans* on Saturday. What makes
you think we'd wanna hang out with you an' your girlfriend, anyway??

(Beat. Trent blinks.)

TRENT: I just thought -- 'cause you got on my case about not getting to
meet 'er --

JANE: (exasperated) Trent, that was almost a *week* ago. And you're
waiting 'til *now* to make it up to me?? Well it's too late --

DARIA: (calmly) We'll be there.

(Beat. Jane gazes at Daria, stunned.)

JANE: *Huh*??

(Beat. Trent smiles a crooked, grateful smile at Daria.)

TRENT: Cool. (Bt) See Janey, Daria wants to go. So are ya in?

(Jane sighs, rolls her eyes.)

JANE: Sure. Why *not*??

TRENT: Cool. I'll go get Denise and we can talk about it some more.

JANE: (weary. lowered voice) Denise is *here*. Great.

(Trent walks away offscreen. Meanwhile, Daria still appears calm. Jane
looks at her.)

JANE: (suspicious) What've you got up your sleeve?

DARIA: (non-chalant) I just want to meet Denise, that's all.

(Beat. Jane gets a wicked expression.)

JANE: Try not to leave any evidence for the cops to find.

(Daria is impassive, making no affirmative or negative gestures. Pause.
We then see Trent walk onscreen with a girl. She's young, rather pretty
and sort of on the petite side, but is also dressed the way you'd think a
girlfriend of Trent's *would* dress. She has a nose ring and a pierced
eyebrow, semi-Goth make-up, dyed bright red hair, and raggedy clothing.
Her top has filmy sleeves, revealing a few tatoos on her arms.)

TRENT: Janey, you've met Denise. Denise, this is Daria, Janey's friend.

(Denise extends her hand.)

DENISE: (to Daria) Cool. It's a pleasure to meet you.

(Beat. Daria shakes her hand.)

DARIA: That remains to be seen.

(Cut to close-up Daria's face. She smirks.)


****************
END OF ACT TWO

[The older Jane's head is in the process of exploding, while older Daria,
Trent, and Jesse look on.]

***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put
on television.***

1) To all those adults who feel they've reclaimed their long-lost
childhood at Disneyland, here's some advice: Grow up! Life isn't
Fantasyland....

2) And speaking of childish... who's idea was it to come up with those
Carls Jr. ads where the burger drips all over you when you eat it?? Who
did they think it would appeal to?? People who think it's *fun* to spill
food on their clothes?? And you would be *how* old...??

3) The one where the slacker college student orders a Saturn over the
Internet, and his zoned-out roommate goes, "Did somebody order a Saturn?"
Actually, when I first saw this commercial, I thought it was sort of cool.
'Til I thought: I don't *know* any college kids with pockets *that* deep.
Hmm, a subtle plug for college students to max out their credit??

***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Trent's car, late Saturday morning)

(Shot of Daria standing on the curb outside her house, her back to us.
Trent's car approaches, stops. Daria opens the door and climbs in. cut to
inside frontal shot. Trent's driving, Denise sits beside him in the front
passenger seat, and Jane sits in the back, on the righthand side. Daria
settles in on the lefthand side, so that she's behind Denise. Trent takes
off.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria. How's it goin'?

DARIA: Okay. How 'bout you? (before he can answer) You're *awake* this
early on a Saturday??

DENISE: (bubbly) I kinda had to *wrestle* him out of bed.

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: Yeah.

(Daria looks at Jane, shocked. Jane rolls her eyes.)

JANE: (under her breath) *Don't* ask. (Pause. smirks wickedly) *So*,
have you heard from *Barry*, yet?

DARIA: (also hushed) He's called three times. And each and every time,
I've managed to be in the shower. (Bt) I'm hoping he'll reach the
conclusion that I've decided to grow gills and live underwater with the
*rest* of the fish-people, and leave me the hell alone.

JANE: From what I've seen, I think he'd view it more as a *turn-on*.

(Daria rolls her eyes. Beat)

TRENT: So, Daria, we were thinkin' we could stop off at the market and
pick up some stuff to eat in the park.

DENISE: Yeah, we can't last for hours on beef jerky and a stick of black
licorice.

TRENT: *Some* of us can't. (glances pointedly at Denise)

(Daria and Jane don't see it, but Denise rolls her eyes. A long Pause
follows. Then Daria leans toward Denise, a wicked smirk slowly spreading
across her face.)

DARIA: Denise. We haven't had much of a chance to talk yet, have we?

DENISE: Nope. Can't say we have.

DARIA: So why don't you tell me a little about yourself. (Bt) Like, oh,
how you and Trent first *met*.

(Denise giggles.)

DENISE: Sure, okay. (Bt) Well, like, I first saw Trent at McPatty's.
That's a girls' grunge club. See, McGrundy's is, like, a guys' grunge club
'cause "Grundy's" is kinda all tough and *rugged* (growls a bit as she says
"rugged"), whereas Patty is a girl's name, so --

DARIA: (deadpan) Yes. Your point is clear.

DENISE: Oh, okay. (Bt) So anyway, I play the drums in this band, along
with Trent's friend, Monique --

(At the name "Monique," Daria cocks a depressed eyelid.)
[*] see "Pierce Me"

DENISE: -- and, so one night Trent was, like, there in the audience an' so
Monique brings me down and introduces us and says, "Yo Denise, you wanna
*real* stallion to ride?? Well I've *got* one for ya!"

(Daria's and Jane's eyes widen.)

DENISE: (continuing) So she got me rappin' with Trent, and I gotta say,
from that night on, I haven't been disappointed.

(She slaps Trent lightly on his upper thigh, which surprises him and causes
him to swerve the car a bit. cut to close-up Daria. She sinks down in her
seat and heaves a sigh, as if to say, "It's gonna be a *long* day."
fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (the supermarket)

(Shot of the car parking in the parking lot. Trent, Denise, Daria, and
Jane all climb out. They appear to be in mid-conversation.)

DARIA: (to Denise. deadpan) Wow. I didn't know you could *get* pierced on
that part of your body.

(Denise giggles.)

DENISE: Well ya can't *legally*, but Axl told me he'd let it slide if I
slipped 'im an extra fifty and claimed all liability.

DARIA: That's what I call operating strictly according to the letter of
the law.
[*] see "Pierce Me"

JANE: (to Denise) But doesn't it hurt when you and Trent -- (Daria elbows
her hard.) *Owwwwww*!!!

(Cut to shot of the supermarket's sliding doors, as seen from the inside.
Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane walk through. Jane is still rubbing her
arm. Leans toward Daria.)

JANE: Okay, so maybe the answer's *obvious* -- but what d' you think of
Denise?

DARIA: She speaks in complete sentences.

(Beat)

JANE: You sure? (Bt) She lost me a little when she claimed she had the
power to channel Kurt Cobain through her Buddhist chanting.

DARIA: At least that was the one *intelligent* thing she said. (Bt) Is
she like this all the time?

JANE: From what little I've seen (rolls her eyes) *yes*.

(Daria groans.)

JANE: (trying to find a silver lining.) Well c' mon, maybe we should give
her more of a chance.

(Daria sneers in response.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) A chance, she says...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Daria and Denise standing a short distance
apart at the bread aisle. They're both examining the shelves. Finally
Daria selects a French loaf. Denise, meanwhile, looks and looks, then
selects Pita bread. Turns to Daria.)

DENISE: Y' know, Pita bread is *really* good soul food. They say when
you're depressed, eat a slice with some humus an' your mood'll clear right
up.

(Beat)

DARIA: (deadpan) Well, I think it'll take more than bread to cure my
seventeen-year long depression, but thanks for the advice.

(Denise shrugs.)

DENISE: (non-chalant) Don't mention it.

(Pause. Daria turns back to face the shelf, but her eyes are on Denise.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) He could do much, much better...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of freezers of soda, beer, and other related
beverages. Daria's already standing there, trying to figure out which soda
to buy. Denise walks up and, as before, stands a short distance away,
perusing the alcoholic drinks. Finally she slides open the door and takes
out a couple of wine coolers.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over. deadpan) Alcohol. (Bt. to herself) Now, now,
she's over twenty-one -- it's her prerogative.

(Denise turns to Daria, holding up the wine coolers.)

DENISE: You an' Jane'll have to have some of this. It tastes just like
orange soda, only with more zip.

(Beat)

DARIA: Zip. Super.

(Denise giggles and exits offscreen.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Offers alcohol to a minor. (Bt) Subtract
five from the checklist...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Daria, purchases in hand, walking down an
aisle toward the checkout counter. She's frowning.)

DARIA: Dammit, *what* does he see in her?? Is she an example of the kind
of girl Trent *goes* for?? (Bt) Dammit, I don't have much, but I *am*
smart, I --

(from offscreen, voice-over: )

MARCELLO: Daria, you're an intelligent woman who deserves *more*. You
have so *many* gifts to share with the world, and you need someone who can
*appreciate* you...

(Cut to shot of a line at one of the checkout counters. Jane, Denise, and
Trent are already standing at the end of it. Trent's looking through a
tabloid magazine, and Jane's perusing the rows of candy. Daria approaches
them. As she does so, Denise is saying to Trent: )

DENISE: (slightly peevish) I can't believe you *read* that kind of stuff.

(Jane looks up from the candy, surprised.)

JANE: (to Denise) I can't believe you *don't*.

TRENT: (slightly defensive) Hey, so I like looking at the photos of alien
spaceships. What's it *to* you??

DENISE: I just don't like the way they represent people, that's all.

(Pause. Daria's face registers some surprise. Jane turns to her.)

JANE: So Daria, I was just telling Trent about *Barry*, your new boyfriend.

(Daria makes a sour face.)

DARIA: Barry?? My *boyfriend*???

JANE: (pointed) *Yes*, I was telling him what a *cool* and *interesting*
guy he is. (exaggerated wink. Daria gets it.)

DARIA: Oh, right. Barry. My boyfriend.

(Trent looks up from his magazine. Cocks a subtly-impressed eyebrow at Daria.)

TRENT: Yeah, glad to see you've found somebody. (Bt) Is all that stuff
Janey said true?

DARIA: *What* stuff, exactly?

JANE: (before he can respond) Oh, nothing much -- just how Barry tells you
*every* day how beautiful and special you are, and how each morning he
checks on you in homeroom to make sure you made it to school safely.

(Beat)

DARIA: (to Trent) Oh yeah. Every word.

DENISE: (slight frown) Hell, wouldn't *that* be nice.

(Trent glances at her briefly. Jane rushes on.)

JANE: *Also*, I told Trent how Barry's always complimenting you for being
so *mature* and *sincere* and thoughtful, and for always listening to his
problems --

DARIA: Now, Jane, don't go *overboard*. (makes a big "Ix-nay" gesture)

JANE: (getting it) Oh, right.

(Pause. Daria glances stealthily at Trent, looking for any sort of
reaction. His face is unreadable. Finally he cocks his brow again.)

TRENT: Sounds cool.

(Pause. Daria sizes up his comment, then glances at Jane. Nods a curt
"I'm going for it.")

DARIA: Yes, it *is* cool. (Bt) And yet, I'm not so sure Barry's the
right guy for me. I mean he's *nice*, but I'm looking for someone a little
(glances pointedly at Trent) *older*.

(Trent's expression doesn't change.)

DARIA: (continuing) A guy who carries wisdom and life experience. *And*
(another pointed glance) who knows me almost as well as I know myself.
Like an old *friend*. (Bt) Gee, I wonder where I'll *find* such a guy.
Do *you* know, Jane?

JANE: I only wish, Daria, I only wish.

(Pause. Both looks at Trent. Meanwhile, Trent and Denise act as though
their remarks haven't registered. Finally: )

TRENT: (to Daria) Too bad you're lookin' for someone new. (Bt) That
Barry guy sounds nice.

(Daria makes a sour face.)

DARIA: (weakly) Oh, um, he is.

(Pause)

DENISE: Hey, we're up. (points to the cashier at the register)

(Daria and Jane look at each other with expressions of defeat. So much for
Quinn's advice.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (drivin' to the park)

(Shot of Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane riding in the car. Daria and Jane
still wear defeated, somewhat contrite expressions. They're listening to
Denise talk.)

DENISE: ... And so, like, I didn't think anything would help me after my
brother got paralyzed in the car accident, but I found that Buddhism, like,
*really* centered me, and gave me strength to handle the crisis --

(Daria and Jane glance at each other uneasily. fade-out)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (the park)

(Wide shot of a long stretch of green grass, with an amphitheater at one
end. We hear folk music being played. On the grass, people are scattered
about, lounging on blankets, et cetera. cut to shot of Daria, Jane, Trent,
and Denise lounging on a blanket on a grassy mound. Daria and Jane are
eating. Daria pauses to examine her food.)

DARIA: So this is pita bread. (Bt) Not bad.

JANE: (eating the same thing) I *do* feel strangely cheery.

DENISE: (pleased) What did I tell you?

JANE: (to Denise) And you say eating these cherry tomatoes will make you
more tranquil under pressure?

DENISE: Yeah -- 's what I learned in my course on nutrition and the body.
(Bt. sardonic) I think your brother's scarfed a few too many.

(She points to Trent -- we see he's spread out, hands behind his head,
nodding off.)

JANE: Trust me, he needs no *external* substance to produce *that*
reaction in him.

(Denise giggles wildly. This time, Daria and Jane don't act annoyed. Beat)

DARIA: (to Denise) Wow, it's pretty cool you're earning a bachelors in
NutriSci *and* playing in a band *and* taking care of your brother.

(Denise shrugs.)

DENISE: It's a struggle, sometimes, but I try to stay balanced.

(Beat)

JANE: Um, yeah. (Bt. turns to Daria) Hey, Daria, you wanna take a trip
with me to the bathroom?

DARIA: Don't you mean porto-toilet?

JANE: Whatever. Come *on*. (takes Daria's sleeve)

(Daria looks annoyed, leaves with her reluctantly. They walk a distance
away, then stop. Jane turns to Daria.)

JANE: (amused. resigned) So isn't this about the time you start playing
hardball with Denise?

(Pause)

DARIA: Sure. I... was just plotting my course of action.

(Beat)

JANE: Oh really?

DARIA: Yeah.

(Pause. Daria looks down.)

DARIA: I can't do it.

(Pause)

JANE: Me neither.

(Beat)

DARIA: I didn't expect her to be sort of...

JANE: Cool.

DARIA: Yeah. (Pause. resigned. philosophical) Well hey, if Trent had to
end up with someone *other* than me, at least she's a decent person.

JANE: Yeah. (Pause. shrugs) I guess we'd better head back, then.

(Daria nods slowly. cut to shot of Denise and Trent on the blanket.
Trent's snoring lightly. Denise's looking at him with a slightly peevish
expression. Daria and Jane return, sit down.)

JANE: (to Denise) I decided I could hold it in.

(Pause. Daria turns her attention to Trent and gazes at him longingly.)

DENISE: (to Daria. also looking at Trent) Y' know, it's funny, Daria: your
talk about your boyfriend earlier got me thinking.

(Daria glances at her, surprised.)

DARIA: About what?

DENISE: I dunno... about how certain people can seem so right for you, but
that maybe, y' know, they're *not* the one...

(Jane glances at Daria.)

DARIA: (trying to sound non-chalant) Oh really?

DENISE: Yeah. (looks at Jane, too) I hate to say it, 'cause the person
I'm thinking of is so sweet 'n nice --

(Cut to close-up Daria, reflective.)

DENISE: (offscreen) -- and there really *aren't* a lot of nice guys around,
but...

(fade-out. fade-in to the fantasy future scene. Older Daria is standing
with Marcello at the door, as she was earlier. The sounds of "You're a
Liar, I'm On Fire" have subsided. Daria looks confused.)

DARIA: Marcello, I don't know. This is all so sudden...

MARCELLO: (urgent) Please, Daria, you *must* get away from this place.

DARIA: But hey -- why *should* I go with you? You'll always be married to
your *work* more than to me.

MARCELLO: It's not *myself* I'm thinking of, Daria. I don't care *who*
you end up with, so long as it's not --

(Suddenly the older Trent walks onscreen. Marcello and Daria look at him.
Marcello frowns, while Daria appears stunned and guilty.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria, what's up?? Who *is* this??

MARCELLO: Just someone who cares whether she has a happy future.

TRENT: Yo, hey, *I* make her happy.

DARIA: (trying to defend him, but with little enthusiasm) Oh yeah, he does.

MARCELLO: (to Daria. suspicious) Does he *really*? Do you and he work
together?? Do you have any exciting plans --??

TRENT: *Yo*, mister -- I've *got* exciting plans. My band, Mystik
Spiral's about to put out its *first* album. And we're getting a new name.

(Pause. Marcello looks slightly mollified, but Daria gazes at Trent, shocked.)

DARIA: Your *first* album --?!

(Cut to close-up shot of the present Daria, listening to Denise, wearing an
uncomfortable expression on her face. cut to wider shot. Jane is also
listening, with a solemn expression. Trent has rolled over onto his side,
but is still snoring lightly. Suddenly Daria breaks in: )

DARIA: But, um, what if you tried talking to this person? I bet he'd
listen to you if you said you were disatisfied.

(Beat)

DENISE: I dunno, I wish it was *that* simple. But, sometimes it just
seems like there's this *wall* between us, and we're shouting and shouting,
but the sound, like, won't go through. You know what I mean??

(Pause)

DARIA: (subdued) Probably.

(Cut to close-up Daria, again lost in thought.)

DENISE: (offscreen) Sometimes you and some people can't see each other's
needs. An' if that's the case, then you've got, like, *nothing*...

(Cut to close-up of the older Daria. She wears a pissed-off expression.)

DARIA: (to Trent) *Twenty* years --

(Cut to wider shot of her standing with Trent and Marcello.)

DARIA: -- and you haven't even put out your first *goddamn* album, yet??!!

(Beat)

TRENT: (surprised at her anger. defensive) Hey, we've been trying to work
out the kinks in "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire."

DARIA: (scathing deadpan) Ooh, the showpiece of the album.

TRENT: What's your *problem*??

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: You have to *ask*??

TRENT: Why're you getting weird on me all of a sudden?? Is it 'cause of
him? (points to Marcello)

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: *No*. Trust me, Trent, it's all *you*. I can't believe I fell for
a guy like you. What the *hell* was I thinking??

TRENT: (cocking a brow. cold) And what's so *wrong* with me??

DARIA: The list is a mile long, but let's start with the big black
heading. You're a lazy-ass and a good-for-nothing.

TRENT: *Hey*, what did I just tell --?!

DARIA: *What*, that you're getting a new name?? I'll believe *that* when
I see it.

(Pause)

DARIA: You're never gonna *get* a new name, are you, Trent?

(Pause. Trent looks resigned.)

DARIA: (more solemn) And if you're stuck in a rut, I don't think I want to
be there with you. (Pause) I'm going with Marcello. (steps toward him)

(Beat. Trent hangs his head a little.)

DARIA: (to Marcello) Could you give me a lift to the airport?

(Beat)

TRENT: (to Daria. serious) You sure you wanna do this?

(Beat)

DARIA: (resolute) Yes.

(Suddenly Jane comes back to life on the couch. Lifts her head.)

JANE: (to Daria) If *I* were you, I'd stick with Marcello. (Bt) He's
cute. (collapses into unconsciousness once again)

DARIA: Point taken.

(Beat. Trent gazes right at her.)

TRENT: You know, we could've had a great life together, Daria. We really
could've.

(Daria stares right back at him.)

DARIA: Could've, would've, might've... I doubt it. (Bt) It just wasn't
meant to be, Trent.

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria, frowning slightly.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) ... It just wasn't meant to be.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Daria, Jane, Denise, and Trent riding in the car, silent. Daria
and Jane look worn out and somewhat depressed. Trent drives, looking
sleepy, even after his nap. fade-out.)

(fade-in to car stopped at the curb of the Morgendorffer house. Daria gets
out, waves goodbye, shuts the car door, walks up the walkway. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Daria's room, sometime later that day)

(Shot of Daria lying on her stomach on the bed, facing the door. She's
holding up Othello as if she's reading it, but her eyes appear to be
wandering. Suddenly the phone rings. Daria reaches out her hand in a mock
attempt to pick it up. Doesn't get it, puts her arm back down. long
Pause. Then, offscreen: )

JAKE: (calling) Kiddo! You're little friend's on the phone!

(Beat)

DARIA: (to herself) Jane's calling to make a playdate? (Bt. yelling
back) Thanks, Dad!

(She sits up, picks up the receiver and puts it against her ear.)

DARIA: (deadpan) What's up?

(From the receiver, a squeaky voice: )

BARRY: Hi, Daria, it's Barry.

(Pause. cut to split screen, Daria on the right, Barry on the left.
Behind Barry, we can see several cases of stuffed animal skins -- cats,
squirrels, et cetera. Meanwhile, Daria's got on an "ugh" expression.)

DARIA: Oh... hi... Barry.

BARRY: Boy, you sure take a lot of showers.

(Beat)

DARIA: Oh, um... the doctor says they're good for my *contagious* skin
condition.

BARRY: Huh??

(Daria groans softly.)

DARIA: Nothing.

BARRY: So anyway, I was wonderin': would ya wanna go *out* with me tonight?

DARIA: (deadpan) And *what's* the occasion again?

BARRY: Ah-ha-ha, you're funny! (Bt) I thought we could go to the movies
-- the cinaplex is showing the "Phantom Menace."

DARIA: So art imitates life?

BARRY: Huh?

DARIA: No -- at least *that* menace is invisible.

BARRY: (missing the jab) Ha-ha-ha! (Bt) I hope you don't mind if my mom
comes along --

DARIA: To spoil our perfect evening?

BARRY: Just to warn ya, she's mourning the anniversary of Captain Kirk's
death, so she'll be appearing in her Star Fleet uniform.

DARIA: This just keeps getting better and better.

BARRY: She's fluent in Kling'on. Bet she'd give ya a few lessons if ya
want 'em --

(Suddenly we hear the beeping sound of call-waiting.)

BARRY: What's that?

DARIA: Another call. (Bt) Sorry Barry, I *really* have to take it --
could be a matter of life and death.

BARRY: But --

DARIA: See ya.

(She clicks over. Barry's screen is replaced by Jane's.)

DARIA: Hello?

JANE: Daria! Wait'll you hear the good news!!

(Daria's eyes widen.)

DARIA: What??

JANE: Denise broke up with Trent! They've *broken* up! You've got a
*shot* at him again!

(Pause. Daria looks stunned.)

JANE: Daria?

(Beat)

DARIA: (struggles to sound enthusiastic) Oh... cool. That really makes me
happy.

JANE: Yeah, I thought it would.

DARIA: So where's Trent now?

JANE: Dunno -- he left a short time ago. To cool off, I guess.

DARIA: (monotone) I guess. (Bt) Well, I s'pose I should concoct a new
strategy, then.

JANE: (crafty) Yeah, and I'll be right there to back you up if ya need me.

DARIA: Oh, I know you will. (Bt) Listen, I --

(She's interrupted by the sound of knocking at her door.)

DARIA: Listen, I'd better go. That's probably Dad with my new training
wheels.

JANE: Huh?

DARIA: (shaking her head) Don't ask. (Bt) Anyway, I'll see you later.

JANE: Okay, bye.

(Daria hangs up. cut to full shot of her room. She sits there for a
second, then gets up and walks slowly to the door.)

DARIA: (calling as she gets there) *What*??

(She opens the door. We see Trent standing outside, holding his guitar
case. Daria's face takes on a stunned expression.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria.

(Beat)

DARIA: (taken aback) Um, hey.

JAKE: (calling, from offscreen) Hey kiddo! Jane's brother's here to see you!

DARIA: (calling back) Thanks for the *warning*, Dad! (Bt. to Trent) Um,
so what d' you want?

(Beat)

TRENT: Well I was thinkin' 'bout the concert this afternoon --

(Daria watches receptively.)

TRENT: And, well, (lifts the guitar case) it *really* got me inspired.

DARIA: (surprised) You can actually *remember* the concert??

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: Yeah, I guess I did nod off there for a while. (Bt) But the stuff
I remember's helped me come up with a bunch of song ideas. Wrote some
down. (reaches into his pocket, retrieves some crumpled papers)

DARIA: (looking at them) Oh.

(Beat)

TRENT: I wanted to know if I could run them by you. You could change the
words if you think they're not right. (Bt) So how 'bout it?

(Pause. Then Daria cocks an eyelid and smirks.)

DARIA: Sure, I'm game. (Bt) I mean, what're friends for?


**********************
THE END
[roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

The question I asked of Amy in "The Tie That Chokes" is the same one I
could ask of Trent: why *wouldn't* he be dating anyone?? The only
plausible explanation (since I doubt it's because he harbors a secret,
burning desire for Daria) is that he's too lazy. *Actually*, the more
plausible reason is that the show's writers just want Trent to appear
available so Daria can long for him.

A question for me: why did I write this fic? Well, there are three
reasons. One, it seemed like a good "breather" episode after the intensity
of "That Thing You Say." Although Trent having a girlfriend is an
angst-ridden subject, the episode proved to be significantly lighter to
write *and*, probably, to read. Secondly, it seemed like the episode that
*would* follow TTYS, since that one ended with Daria and Trent putting on a
song for Helen. I always knew that I *would* write a cynnical 'shipper,
but it wasn't until I started writing TTYS that I decided "'Shipped Out"
would be my fourth fic.

The major reason, though, is that I agree with Glenn Eichler's take on the
Trent/Daria romance. In TOON, Issue #18, he said that for people to get
wrapped up in "will they, won't they" and to de-emphasize other aspects of
the show would be like someone eating the sprinkles on an ice cream cone
and then throwing the rest away. There's *so* much going on with the show,
as I'm sure the majority of 'shippers realize. And one of the things we
can plainly see is that Daria has opinions and aspirations that wouldn't
mesh with Trent's.

I consider Trent to be mainly Daria's transition guy, from Beavis and
Butthead to a guy who's like herself. However, I *will* be interested to
see what happens between those two. The writers, apparently, want to
string the "romance" along for as many seasons as possible. :-) There's
the remote chance that Trent and Daria could get together briefly, but,
like the other cynics out there, I've gotta say that I harbor my doubts.....

Now, *points of interest*

Barry: The poor guy probably didn't deserve the scalding he got from Daria
and Jane. But remember... this is *Daria* and *Jane* we're talking about.
Besides, it *is* slightly creepy that a guy would get his kicks from
stuffing dead animal skins (which is what "taxidermy" is).

Different flow: Writing this fanfic was quite a different experience from
writing my previous three. For the first time, I got to portray Daria
front-and-center in all her droll glory. In the first two, she was droll,
but in the background, and in TTYS, she was in the foreground, but hardly
had anything to be droll about. What a nice change of pace! Also, whereas
my previous fics contained several tight scenes that built up a sort of
tension throughout, this one has several very long, leisurely scenes (ex:
Daria and Jane at lunch in Act II, the market in Act III). I can even say
that I improvised more in this fic than in previous: in Act III, I wasn't
exactly sure what Daria was going to do with Denise. I had several
scenarios envisioned, butfinally I went with the one where Daria slowly
warms to her. I figured that to make Denise too much of a ditz would be to
give Trent little credit for having taste.

Where's the *family*??: Speaking of change of pace, this is the first fic
that hasn't prominently featured Helen, Jake, *or* Quinn. I'm not sure
why, except in the case of Helen: after the emotional rollarcoaster I put
her on in TTTC and TTYS, that poor woman needed a break!

Where's the *Fashion Club*??: Well, they -- at least *Stacy* -- were there
in spirit. I guess they took a vacation at the spa during this episode...

No *glasses*: This is the first fic in which I *haven't* mentioned Quinn's
vision problems... oops.

New intro 10 Spot promo: It occurred to me that if I'm doing "Next
Wednesday on the Ten Spot," I ought to include the 10 Spot promo at the
beginning of each fic as well. Ugh, my work keeps growing... :-)

Now, on to the *games*............!!!

It seems as though the postscript game for TTYS was a little harder for
people than I expected it to be (hell, I proofread my fics so many times, I
could practically recite them line-for-line by now). I panicked a bit, and
even made a desperate plea (with some subtle blackmail thrown in) to the
people on my mailing list for someone to play it. Finally,
duh-duh-duhhhh... *Robert Loudner*, the champion of my last postscript
game, stepped up! Way to go! Here's what he found:

I asked, which of the following three lines occurs in *all* three of my
first three fanfics?

a) What's that supposed to mean?
b) What d' you think?
c) Mmrrrrrrrrrrr....

Robert found that it was *c*... and he's right! Here's who and where:

"Rose-Colored Lenses": Act III, when Daria and Jane hear Brittany calling
to them.

"The Tie That Chokes": Act I, when Helen's irritated at Jake for not
wanting to come with her to meet Amy.

"That Thing You Say": Act III, when Daria's sitting in O'Neill's class,
the morning after her big fight with Helen.

As for the runners up:

*a* occurs in the following

RCL: Act II, Quinn gets ticked off in DeMartino's class when he says she's
not a scholar like Daria.

TTTC: Act III, Amy gets angry at Helen after Helen accuses her of being
closed-off.

*b* occurs in the following

RCL: Act II, Quinn comes out to show the family her new clothes.

TTTC: Act I, Daria asks Amy how she likes her room

Robert even pointed out some *oopses* I made with my question. I was so
sure each line only occurred *once* per episode, but he pointed out places
where they'd been said twice. *b* in RCL, Quinn nervously asks Daria how
she likes the glasses ("Um... so what do *you* think, Daria?"). *c* in
TTTC, Helen is grumbling about Amy's chummy relationship with Daria
("'Cause you see, with *you* she's *mmrrrr-mmrrrr-mmrrrr*..."). Congrats,
Robert! I dub thee Superfan. :-)

Now here's the *new* game. I've made it slightly easier in order to get
more people involved. Which of my *four* fanfics has the most *made-up*
characters? I mean completely made-up, never before mentioned on the show.
(Hint: Marcello isn't one of them.) If this one doesn't get any takers,
I'll go back to single-episode trivia (i.e: the counting, etc.) If *that*
doesn't get any takers, then *sniff, sniff*, I'll lay my games to rest....

I've written enough fics where I can now establish an *Oops* list:

1) RCL: The bathrooms *do* have passageways you walk through to get to
their doors. I'd depicted them as having doorways that opened into the
hall. Damn and double-damn!

2) TTTC: During Daria's "tour" of Lawndale, I refer to the place Daria
and Trent went to in "Pierce Me" as the "tatoo parlor" -- actually it's
Axl's *Piercing* Parlor. Oh well, he probably does tatoos on the side...

3) TTYS: I made an oops that I sort of corrected in this episode.
Towards the beginning of TTTC, Daria tells Jane her watch is *broken*...
but toward the end of TTYS, she *checks* the time on her watch. I realized
that after I sent TTYS out and thought, oh drat!

Acknowledgements: As always, I have to give thanks to the library that is
Outpost Daria. *And* to Martin Pollard, for putting me on the F.A.
page... :-)

If you want to join my mailing list, e-mail me at
scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu. But *please* refrain from sending me any nasty
comments about this fanfic...

Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.............. and more dots.
Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright June 1999. All rights
reserved.