DARIA in: Sleepover
SCENE 1: The dinner table, 6:15 PM. The Morgendorffers are
Helen: So how was your day at school, girls?
Quinn: Well, six guys asked me out today, not including Joey, Jeffy and
Jimmy, who are like always asking me out, even though they know I always
say no, so today I said
Helen: Daria, how was your day?
Daria: They told me not to tell. Its a matter of national security.
Jake: Who told you?! Are you in a cult?!
Helen: (sighs) So is Friday your last day of school?
Daria: Until it comes back to haunt us in the fall.
Helen: Well girls, your father and I are
going out this weekend. For
the whole weekend.
Quinn: So we get the house all to ourselves?
Jake: Youre not going to conduct cult rituals here, are you Daria?
Daria: Not unless the temple is taken by the other cults.
Helen: Dammit Jake, she is not in a cult! Anyway your father and I are
leaving Thursday night and returning Sunday.
Daria: Taking a day off work? This IS a special occasion. Break out
the cooking sherry and pour me a glass.
Jake: Yeah! (he gets up)
Helen: Sit down, Jake. Do you think you girls can handle being home
alone? Can we trust you to be home alone?
Quinn: Of course you can mom! Cant she Daria?
Daria: Sure. No boys, no late nights, no parties
Quinn: Thats right.
Daria: Ill just keep my silencer handy in case Quinn needs to be
Quinn: Ugh! Mo-om!
Helen: You dont have to lie to me girls, I realize youre going to
take advantage of this situation, but please, behave.
Daria: You got it. (horn honks)
Quinn: Thats my ride.
Jake: Where are you going?
Quinn: Cashmans is having a midnight sale. As vice president of the
Fashion Club, its my obligation to be there. Oh, and can I have fifty
bucks, Daddy? (Jake gets out his wallet)
Daria: Obligation. Quinn, have you mistaken the dictionary for one of
your magazines again?
Quinn: Ha ha. Very funny, Daria. (Takes the money) Bonjour! (she
Daria: Isnt it
Helen: Nevermind Daria. So were trusting you to keep an eye on Quinn
this weekend. Were leaving you both with a hundred dollars
Daria: Only a hundred?
Jake: Yeah, only a hundred? (Helen glares at him and he slumps in his
SCENE 2: Friday morning at school, Daria is walking with Jane in the
Jane: So your parents are leaving you and Princess Grace home alone
Daria: Yeah. Quinns been acting weird about it though. Im kind of
Jane: Maybe shes afraid that the puppy kickers will get her. As long
as she doesnt come over to my house again
Daria: Dont worry. Im sure she has plenty of schools-out-parties to
go to. (They stop at her locker. A group of girls walk by.)
Girl 1: So are you going to Quinns party?
Girl 2: Duh! Who wouldnt? This is going to be, like, the biggest
party of the year.
Daria: (looks at Jane) Uh-oh.
Jane: Maybe its a different Quinn. I think that the girl who fell off
the trampoline was named Quinn.
Daria: Somehow I doubt that. (they walk into Mr. Dimartinos room and
sit down. The bell rings.)
Dimartino: Good MORNING class. How many of you STUDIED for that test I
said we were HAVING? The one that would count as 50 PERCENT of your
grade? (everyone but Kevin and Brittany raise their hands) Ah, KEVIN and
BRITTANY. Such fine STUDY habits are to be REWARDED.
Dimartino: How does REPEATING the CLASS next year sound to you?
Brittany: As long as Kevy and I are repeating it together!
Jane: (to Daria) Nothing can separate them.
Daria: Except a cattle prod.
(Dimartino hands out the test and returns to his desk.)
Dimartino: 60 questions, 60 minutes. You think you can HANDLE that,
class? You may start now.
Brittany: Um, Mr. Dimartino? I dont get this question.
Dimartino: Which ONE?
Brittany: Number one.
Dimartino: Ah. Nixon: a) was IMPEACHED, b) resigned, c) was
ASSASSINATED or d) none of the above. What do you THINK, Brittany?
Brittany: Um, false?
Kevin: Whoa, thanks babe. (he writes falls at the bottom of the
Dimartino: No more QUESTIONS. Any one who TALKS will fail.
Daria: (thinking) Anyone who makes eye contact will fail.
SCENE 3: Schools out, Daria is walking with Jane.
Daria: So what are your plans for the summer?
Jane: Not much. Go to a couple concerts maybe. You?
Daria: Well, there is that trip to Tahiti and the tennis tournament
with my chums at the Yacht Club
Jane: Ditch the Yacht Club. You can come to concerts with me. Im
sure I could get Trent to drive us. (they get to Darias house) See ya
SCENE 4: Daria is watching TV.
TV: They make quilts by day and launder money by night. The Amish
Mafia, next on Sick Sad World!
(Quinn walks by)
Daria: So Quinn, whats this I hear about a party at Quinns house?
Quinn: Im having a party tomorrow night. Youre only invited because
you live here.
Daria: Do Mom and Dad know about this party?
Quinn: Daria! Youre not going to tell them are you?!
Daria: Not unless I receive compensation for my loyalty.
Quinn: How much?
Daria: Twenty. (Quinn digs around in her pocket and hands Daria a
Quinn: Geez, Daria, you could have held out for more.
Daria: Thatll be ten more dollars.
Quinn: But I
Daria: Whats the number for Moms cell phone again? (Quinn glares at
Daria and hands her a ten) Such generosity. Thanks Quinn. (car horn
Quinn: I have a date. Bye.
(Daria picks up the phone and dials Jane)
Daria: Hey. Is Jane there?
Trent: Oh, hey Daria. She went running.
Daria: Did she really or is she avoiding me?
Trent: Shes really running.
Daria: Can you tell her I called?
Trent: Maybe you should just call back in half an hour. I have to go
Daria: Okay, um bye then.
Trent: See ya, Daria.
(Doorbell rings. Daria answers it)
Daria: Trent said you were running.
Jane: He just assumes Im out running if he doesnt know where I am.
Or if he cant remember.
Daria: Wanna go get some pizza?
Jane: I was gonna ask you the same thing. Weird.
SCENE 5: Daria and Jane are at the pizza place eating pizza.
Intergalactic by Beastie Boys is playing in the background.
Jane: So are you going to your sisters party?
Daria: She told me I was invited for the sole reason that I share the
house with her.
Jane: Ooh, Ill bet that hurt.
Daria: Yeah, about as much as learning that you dont have to get that
root canal the dentist has been telling you about. (Sandi walks up to
the table) Did you get lost on your way to the register?
Sandi: Ha ha. So Quinns cousin or something, tell Quinn that the
Fashion Club will be over at like, three to help her get ready, or
whatever. (she leaves)
Daria: So its not just a party hosted by one shallow and superficial
flake, its a party hosted by four shallow and superficial flakes.
Jane: Now you have something to look forward to.
Daria: You bet.
SCENE 6: Darias house, about 10:30 PM on Saturday, everyone is
downstairs at Quinns party. Daria is up in her room trying to watch TV
on top of the R&B music blaring from below. Her door opens and a couple
walks into her room.
Daria: Hey! Get out!
Guy: But Quinn said (Daria pushes them out and locks the door. A few
minutes later some people knock on the door. She opens it and looks
Girl: Are you using this room?
Daria: Yeah, were having a cult ritual right now, youll have to come
back later (Daria picks up the phone and dials Jane)
Daria: Mind if I spend the night?
Jane: No problem, let me just find Grandmas nightgown.
Daria: Thats all right. Ill be over in a few minutes. (she stuffs
some things into her backpack and puts the key to her room in her
pocket. She locks the door before she leaves.)
SCENE 7: Janes house. Daria knocks on the door.
Jane: Hey Daria. You got here just in time. Its starting to rain.
Jane: So Quinns party was too much for you?
Daria: I couldnt take the fun and excitement.
(they walk up to Janes room, where Jane picks up a brush and starts
painting on a canvas)
Daria: Its raining hard.
Jane: Hm. Yeah. Crazy Lawndale weather. (she continues painting as
Daria turns on the TV)
TV: Penguins. Arctic birds or global conspirators? A Sick Sad World
(a guitar chord shakes the house, making Jane mess up)
Jane: Dammit, Trent!
Jane: Yeah. (Jane tries to continue painting but repeated chords shake
the house. She puts down her brush and turns to Daria) Well, Im
obviously not going to get anything done. Wanna go watch?
Jane: Oh come on, Daria.
(they walk downstairs to the basement door, which is kept open by a
small plastic block)
Daria: Maybe if they closed the door, the sound wouldnt be so bad.
Jane: No they cant do that, theres no handle on the other side. They
would be locked in.
(they go down to the basement where Trent and Jesse are playing. They
finish and look up at Jane and Daria)
Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria.
Jane: Yo. (she sits on the old futon in the corner)
Daria: Hey (she sits on the old loveseat next to the futon)
Jane: Trent, do you think you could turn the amp up any louder?
Trent: Yeah. (he turns the amp up and plays a chord. The house shakes
followed by a clicking sound)
Jesse: Why did your guitar click, man?
Trent: I dunno, maybe it was my pick. It broke. (he digs around in
his pocket, unsuccessful) You got an extra?
Jesse: (digs around in his pocket) Sorry.
Trent: Ill be right back. (walks up the stairs and pushes the door.
It doesnt move. He picks up the block that is laying just inside) I
think I found the source of the click.
Jane: Good job, Trent. That beautiful guitar chord locked us in.
Trent: Youre the one who wanted me to play it.
Jane: No I asked if the amp went any louder, not for you to play any
Trent: Hm. (he pushes on the door really hard) Some help, Jess? (Jesse
walks up and pushes with him, but the door doesnt move. They walk back
down the stairs) Maybe theres a screwdriver so I can remove the
handle. (He opens the closet and two bean bag chairs fall on him) Great.
We have bean bag chairs but no screwdrivers.
Jesse: Maybe Jane or Daria could go out through one of those windows by
(they all look up at the windows which are surrounded by huge puddles on
Jane: Daria volunteers.
Daria: I volunteer not to go.
(theres a flash of lightning outside followed by a roll of thunder)
Trent: Maybe its not such a good idea right now. We should wait until
the storm clears up.
(another flash of lightning followed by thunder, and then followed by
Jane: Powers out.
Daria: What gave you that idea?
Trent: I have a lighter.
Jesse: Me too.
Trent: Janey, do we have any flashlights?
Jane: Look in that closet.
Trent: (Looks through the closet) Theres candles. We can put them in
these glass bottles. (he and Jesse lights some candles and jams the ends
into the bottles.) They smell like rotten fruit. (he and Jesse walk
over to where Jane and Daria are sitting. Jesse sits on the futon next
to Jane and Trent sits on the loveseat next to Daria)
Jane: Well, this is going to be interesting.
Trent: Dont you guys have any schools-out-parties?
Jane: Thats why Darias here. Her sister is having a party.
Trent: Is she that flaky girl who spent the night here that one time?
Daria: Thats my sister.
Trent: She wanted me to take her to that weird restaurant where the
menus arent in English.
Jane: Of course, only after Trent could find something suitable to wear
would she let him buy her anything.
Trent: Yeah. (he laughs, half coughing)
Jesse: This is boring.
Jane: We may have some board games in the closet. (she gets up and
walks over to the closet with a candle) Ooh. Monopoly.
Jane: Theres some cards. We could play poker.
Trent: Ill need to borrow some money for that, Janey.
Daria: Theres always strip poker.
Jesse: Sounds fun.
Jane: Sure. (she brings the cards over)
Daria: I was being sarcastic.
Jane: We werent. Whats the matter Daria? Its just a game.
Trent: Come on Daria. Its more fun with more people.
Daria: I think the candle fumes are affecting your thought patterns.
Jane: Their thought patterns are always affected. (she shuffles the
cards and deals them out.) Five card draw. Jokers wild.
Jesse: Maybe I can get that shirt you owe me Trent.
(an hour later, the coffee table is covered with jewelry and clothes,
all of which sitting in front of Daria. Trent and Jesse are down to
their boxers and Jane still has her underwear and black shirt)
Daria: Royal flush (she smiles)
Trent: Dammit. Im out of the game. The shorts arent coming off.
Jesse: Same here.
Jane: I think Ill leave the game with my shirt. Good job Daria. All
you lost was a boot.
Daria: You guys can have your stuff back I dont think I can get much
use out of the earrings. (Everyone puts their clothes back on)
Jesse: What time is it?
Daria: (checks her watch) 1:15. (she puts on her boot and puts her feet
up on the coffee table)
Trent: (putting on his rings) Still raining. (he sits back down next to
Daria.) I think were stuck down here until morning.
Jesse: (folds out the futon) The futon is mine. (he lays down right in
Jane: Jesse get up or move over. (Jesse rolls over to his stomach and
lies face down on the right side) Hope you dont suffocate. (Jane
flops down on the left side and lies on her back looking up at the
ceiling) Hey I remember when we put those stars up there.
Trent: Yeah. I fell off the ladder and broke my arm. (He puts his
feet up on the coffee table) Should we put the candles out?
Jane: Theyll be fine. You and Daria gonna share the loveseat?
Trent: I dont mind. Do you, Daria?
Daria: Um, I guess its okay.
Jane: Hope he doesnt grope you in his sleep. (Daria and Trent glare
at her) Sorry! I couldnt resist. (she rolls over and goes to sleep)
Trent: Good night Daria.
Daria: Good night Trent.
SCENE 8: Still in the basement, 11 oclock the next morning. Jesse
rolls over and hits Jane.
Jane: Ow. Hey it stopped raining. Guys?
(Everyones still asleep. She looks over and sees Daria and Trent
asleep. Daria has her head on Trents shoulder, and Trent has his head
resting against Darias)
wheres a camera when you need it?
(She looks out the window again, the puddle is gone. She stands on the
washing machine and opens it up and crawls out. She returns to the
house and opens the basement door, placing a heavy log in it to keep it
open. Downstairs, the light from one of the windows shines in Trents
face, waking him up.)
Trent: Damn sun. (he looks down at Daria, who still has her head on
his shoulder and smiles slightly. He rests his head against hers again
and goes back to sleep. Jane comes downstairs with a camera and takes a
picture. The flash wakes them up.)
Jane: (smiling) Sorry.
Trent: Dammit Janey.
Daria: (realizing she has her head on Trents shoulder, sits up) Sorry
Trent: Its okay. What time is it?
Jane: 11:15 in the morning.
Daria: Still kind of early for Trent and Jesse. (she gets up) Do you
have anything to eat?
Jane: I just ate the last bagel. We could go to the coffee shop,
though. Get some donuts.
Daria: My arteries will be thanking me when Im 70. Lets go.
Jane: Can we get a ride Trent?
Trent: Sure. Gotta wake Jess up though.
Daria: Good luck. (Daria and Jane go upstairs)
Jane: So, you slept with Trent and I have the Polaroid to prove it.
Daria: You can submit it to the tabloids when Im rich and famous. So
howd you get out?
Jane: The window. I got spiders in my hair. You kicked ass at poker
Daria: Thank god.
Jane: I was just hoping Jesse wouldnt win.
Daria: Such pure thoughts.
(They go back downstairs where Trent is waiting at the front door.)
Jane: Wheres Jesse?
Trent: He left already.
Jane: He didnt want donuts?
SCENE 9: Trents car, hes driving Daria home. They had to go back to
Janes house to get Darias backpack. Jane said the donuts made her
sick and she wasnt in the mood to accompany them. Private Helicopter
by Harvey Danger is playing on Trents radio. It keeps blipping out and
Trent hits it.
Trent: Damn radio. (It goes out)
Daria: So did you ever find that guitar pick?
Trent: Yeah. (he takes it out of his pocket and gives it to her)
Daria: An alien head.
Trent: A glow in the dark alien head. Look, Daria, sorry I got us
locked in the basement.
Daria: I didnt mind. As long as I won the poker game, Im happy.
Trent: Yeah. I could tell Janey was pleased by Jesses losing streak.
At least you gave the clothes back. Some people arent so generous.
(silence. Trent stops in front of Darias house.)
Trent: Hey Daria?
Trent: Would you mind if I
(Trent leans over to kiss her but right before they do theres a knock
on the window.)
Trent: (stops) Whos that?
Daria: My mom.
Trent: She looks pissed.
Daria: Must have found out about Quinns party.
Helen: Daria! You get out here right now.
Daria: Guess Ill have to take a raincheck on that
Trent: I guess (he smiles) See ya later, Daria.
(She gets out and he drives away)
Helen: (walking with her hand on Darias back into the house) Who was
Daria: Janes brother.
Helen: Well, wheres Jane?
Daria: She was stuffed in the trunk.
Helen: Daria, we came home last night to find the house filled with
Daria: The hokey pokey?
Helen: And you werent home when everyone left.
Daria: I spent the night at Janes.
Helen: With that boy?
Daria: (thinking: as a matter of fact
Helen: Why were you at Janes?
Daria: Because I didnt want to be at Quinns stupid party.
Helen: We said no parties. Why didnt you call?
Daria: I couldnt get through.
Helen: I didnt use my phone for the whole trip. I grounded Quinn for
a month on this, and Im doing the same to you.
Daria: Not more family court.
Helen: Dont worry Daria. Youre already guilty.
(Quinn is sitting with her hands crossed on the couch. Jake is asleep
on the chair)
Quinn: This is all your fault Daria. You were supposed to keep an eye
SCENE 10: Daria is in her room talking to Jane on the phone.
Jane: So they grounded you for that?
Daria: Basically. It wasnt even my party.
Jane: Bummer. So how long?
Daria: A month.
Jane: Trent, Jesse and I are going to a Prodigy concert in a week.
Trent got you a ticket. With his own money.
Daria: Well, I could probably think of some sort of lie to convince my
parents to let me out.
Daria: So Ill talk to you later then.