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DARIA in: Sleepover
By: Bigglesworth

SCENE 1: The dinner table, 6:15 PM. The Morgendorffers are
eating…lasagna.
Helen: So how was your day at school, girls?
Quinn: Well, six guys asked me out today, not including Joey, Jeffy and
Jimmy, who are like always asking me out, even though they know I always
say no, so today I said—
Helen: Daria, how was your day?
Daria: They told me not to tell. It’s a matter of national security.
Jake: Who told you?! Are you in a cult?!
Helen: (sighs) So is Friday your last day of school?
Daria: Until it comes back to haunt us in the fall.
Helen: Well girls, your father and I are…going out this weekend. For
the whole weekend.
Quinn: So we get the house all to ourselves?
Jake: You’re not going to conduct cult rituals here, are you Daria?
Daria: Not unless the temple is taken by the other cults.
Helen: Dammit Jake, she is not in a cult! Anyway your father and I are
leaving Thursday night and returning Sunday.
Daria: Taking a day off work? This IS a special occasion. Break out
the cooking sherry and pour me a glass.
Jake: Yeah! (he gets up)
Helen: Sit down, Jake. Do you think you girls can handle being home
alone? Can we trust you to be home alone?
Quinn: Of course you can mom! Can’t she Daria?
Daria: Sure. No boys, no late nights, no parties…
Quinn: That’s right.
Daria: I’ll just keep my silencer handy in case Quinn needs to be
silenced.
Quinn: Ugh! Mo-om!
Helen: You don’t have to lie to me girls, I realize you’re going to
take advantage of this situation, but please, behave.
Daria: You got it. (horn honks)
Quinn: That’s my ride.
Jake: Where are you going?
Quinn: Cashman’s is having a midnight sale. As vice president of the
Fashion Club, it’s my obligation to be there. Oh, and can I have fifty
bucks, Daddy? (Jake gets out his wallet)
Daria: Obligation. Quinn, have you mistaken the dictionary for one of
your magazines again?
Quinn: Ha ha. Very funny, Daria. (Takes the money) Bonjour! (she
leaves)
Daria: Isn’t it—
Helen: Nevermind Daria. So we’re trusting you to keep an eye on Quinn
this weekend. We’re leaving you both with a hundred dollars—
Daria: Only a hundred?
Jake: Yeah, only a hundred? (Helen glares at him and he slumps in his
chair.)

SCENE 2: Friday morning at school, Daria is walking with Jane in the
hall.
Jane: So your parents are leaving you and Princess Grace home alone
this weekend?
Daria: Yeah. Quinn’s been acting weird about it though. I’m kind of
suspicious.
Jane: Maybe she’s afraid that the puppy kickers will get her. As long
as she doesn’t come over to my house again…
Daria: Don’t worry. I’m sure she has plenty of school’s-out-parties to
go to. (They stop at her locker. A group of girls walk by.)
Girl 1: So are you going to Quinn’s party?
Girl 2: Duh! Who wouldn’t? This is going to be, like, the biggest
party of the year.
Daria: (looks at Jane) Uh-oh.
Jane: Maybe it’s a different Quinn. I think that the girl who fell off
the trampoline was named Quinn.
Daria: Somehow I doubt that. (they walk into Mr. Dimartino’s room and
sit down. The bell rings.)
Dimartino: Good MORNING class. How many of you STUDIED for that test I
said we were HAVING? The one that would count as 50 PERCENT of your
grade? (everyone but Kevin and Brittany raise their hands) Ah, KEVIN and
BRITTANY. Such fine STUDY habits are to be REWARDED.
Kevin: Cool.
Dimartino: How does REPEATING the CLASS next year sound to you?
Brittany: As long as Kevy and I are repeating it together!
Jane: (to Daria) Nothing can separate them.
Daria: Except a cattle prod.
(Dimartino hands out the test and returns to his desk.)
Dimartino: 60 questions, 60 minutes. You think you can HANDLE that,
class? You may start now.
Brittany: Um, Mr. Dimartino? I don’t get this question.
Dimartino: Which ONE?
Brittany: Number one.
Dimartino: Ah. Nixon: a) was IMPEACHED, b) resigned, c) was
ASSASSINATED or d) none of the above. What do you THINK, Brittany?
Brittany: Um, false?
Kevin: Whoa, thanks babe. (he writes “falls” at the bottom of the
question)
Dimartino: No more QUESTIONS. Any one who TALKS will fail.
Daria: (thinking) Anyone who makes eye contact will fail.

SCENE 3: Schools out, Daria is walking with Jane.
Daria: So what are your plans for the summer?
Jane: Not much. Go to a couple concerts maybe. You?
Daria: Well, there is that trip to Tahiti and the tennis tournament
with my chums at the Yacht Club…
Jane: Ditch the Yacht Club. You can come to concerts with me. I’m
sure I could get Trent to drive us. (they get to Daria’s house) See ya
later.
Daria: Bye.

SCENE 4: Daria is watching TV.
TV: They make quilts by day and launder money by night. The Amish
Mafia, next on Sick Sad World!
(Quinn walks by)
Daria: So Quinn, what’s this I hear about a party at Quinn’s house?
Quinn: I’m having a party tomorrow night. You’re only invited because
you live here.
Daria: Do Mom and Dad know about this party?
Quinn: Daria! You’re not going to tell them are you?!
Daria: No.
Quinn: Good.
Daria: Not unless I receive compensation for my loyalty.
Quinn: How much?
Daria: Twenty. (Quinn digs around in her pocket and hands Daria a
twenty)
Quinn: Geez, Daria, you could have held out for more.
Daria: That’ll be ten more dollars.
Quinn: But I—
Daria: What’s the number for Mom’s cell phone again? (Quinn glares at
Daria and hands her a ten) Such generosity. Thanks Quinn. (car horn
honks outside)
Quinn: I have a date. Bye.
(Daria picks up the phone and dials Jane)
Trent: Hello?
Daria: Hey. Is Jane there?
Trent: Oh, hey Daria. She went running.
Daria: Did she really or is she avoiding me?
Trent: She’s really running.
Daria: Can you tell her I called?
Trent: Maybe you should just call back in half an hour. I have to go
to rehearsal.
Daria: Okay, um bye then.
Trent: See ya, Daria.
(Doorbell rings. Daria answers it)
Jane: Yo.
Daria: Trent said you were running.
Jane: He just assumes I’m out running if he doesn’t know where I am.
Or if he can’t remember.
Daria: Wanna go get some pizza?
Jane: I was gonna ask you the same thing. Weird.

SCENE 5: Daria and Jane are at the pizza place eating pizza.
Intergalactic by Beastie Boys is playing in the background.
Jane: So are you going to your sister’s party?
Daria: She told me I was invited for the sole reason that I share the
house with her.
Jane: Ooh, I’ll bet that hurt.
Daria: Yeah, about as much as learning that you don’t have to get that
root canal the dentist has been telling you about. (Sandi walks up to
the table) Did you get lost on your way to the register?
Sandi: Ha ha. So Quinn’s cousin or something, tell Quinn that the
Fashion Club will be over at like, three to help her get ready, or
whatever. (she leaves)
Daria: So it’s not just a party hosted by one shallow and superficial
flake, it’s a party hosted by four shallow and superficial flakes.
Jane: Now you have something to look forward to.
Daria: You bet.

SCENE 6: Daria’s house, about 10:30 PM on Saturday, everyone is
downstairs at Quinn’s party. Daria is up in her room trying to watch TV
on top of the R&B music blaring from below. Her door opens and a couple
walks into her room.
Daria: Hey! Get out!
Guy: But Quinn said— (Daria pushes them out and locks the door. A few
minutes later some people knock on the door. She opens it and looks
out)
Girl: Are you using this room?
Daria: Yeah, we’re having a cult ritual right now, you’ll have to come
back later (Daria picks up the phone and dials Jane)
Jane: Yo.
Daria: Mind if I spend the night?
Jane: No problem, let me just find Grandma’s nightgown.
Daria: That’s all right. I’ll be over in a few minutes. (she stuffs
some things into her backpack and puts the key to her room in her
pocket. She locks the door before she leaves.)

SCENE 7: Jane’s house. Daria knocks on the door.
Jane: Hey Daria. You got here just in time. It’s starting to rain.
Daria: Yeah.
Jane: So Quinn’s party was too much for you?
Daria: I couldn’t take the fun and excitement.
(they walk up to Jane’s room, where Jane picks up a brush and starts
painting on a canvas)
Daria: It’s raining hard.
Jane: Hm. Yeah. Crazy Lawndale weather. (she continues painting as
Daria turns on the TV)
TV: Penguins. Arctic birds or global conspirators? A Sick Sad World
exclusive, next.
Jane: Penguins.
(a guitar chord shakes the house, making Jane mess up)
Jane: Dammit, Trent!
Daria: Rehearsal?
Jane: Yeah. (Jane tries to continue painting but repeated chords shake
the house. She puts down her brush and turns to Daria) Well, I’m
obviously not going to get anything done. Wanna go watch?
Daria: Um…
Jane: Oh come on, Daria.
(they walk downstairs to the basement door, which is kept open by a
small plastic block)
Daria: Maybe if they closed the door, the sound wouldn’t be so bad.
Jane: No they can’t do that, there’s no handle on the other side. They
would be locked in.
(they go down to the basement where Trent and Jesse are playing. They
finish and look up at Jane and Daria)
Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria.
Jesse: Hey.
Jane: Yo. (she sits on the old futon in the corner)
Daria: Hey (she sits on the old loveseat next to the futon)
Jane: Trent, do you think you could turn the amp up any louder?
Trent: Yeah. (he turns the amp up and plays a chord. The house shakes
followed by a clicking sound)
Jesse: Why did your guitar click, man?
Trent: I dunno, maybe it was my pick. It broke. (he digs around in
his pocket, unsuccessful) You got an extra?
Jesse: (digs around in his pocket) Sorry.
Trent: I’ll be right back. (walks up the stairs and pushes the door.
It doesn’t move. He picks up the block that is laying just inside) I
think I found the source of the click.
Jane: Good job, Trent. That beautiful guitar chord locked us in.
Trent: You’re the one who wanted me to play it.
Jane: No I asked if the amp went any louder, not for you to play any
louder.
Trent: Hm. (he pushes on the door really hard) Some help, Jess? (Jesse
walks up and pushes with him, but the door doesn’t move. They walk back
down the stairs) Maybe there’s a screwdriver so I can remove the
handle. (He opens the closet and two bean bag chairs fall on him) Great.
We have bean bag chairs but no screwdrivers.
Jesse: Maybe Jane or Daria could go out through one of those windows by
the ceiling.
(they all look up at the windows which are surrounded by huge puddles on
the outside)
Jane: Daria volunteers.
Daria: I volunteer not to go.
(there’s a flash of lightning outside followed by a roll of thunder)
Trent: Maybe it’s not such a good idea right now. We should wait until
the storm clears up.
(another flash of lightning followed by thunder, and then followed by
darkness)
Jane: Power’s out.
Daria: What gave you that idea?
Trent: I have a lighter.
Jesse: Me too.
Trent: Janey, do we have any flashlights?
Jane: Look in that closet.
Trent: (Looks through the closet) There’s candles. We can put them in
these glass bottles. (he and Jesse lights some candles and jams the ends
into the bottles.) They smell like rotten fruit. (he and Jesse walk
over to where Jane and Daria are sitting. Jesse sits on the futon next
to Jane and Trent sits on the loveseat next to Daria)
Jane: Well, this is going to be interesting.
Trent: Don’t you guys have any school’s-out-parties?
Jane: That’s why Daria’s here. Her sister is having a party.
Trent: Is she that flaky girl who spent the night here that one time?
Daria: That’s my sister.
Trent: She wanted me to take her to that weird restaurant where the
menus aren’t in English.
Jane: Of course, only after Trent could find something suitable to wear
would she let him buy her anything.
Trent: Yeah. (he laughs, half coughing)
Jesse: This is boring.
Jane: We may have some board games in the closet. (she gets up and
walks over to the closet with a candle) Ooh. Monopoly.
Trent: No.
Jane: Yahtzee?
Jesse: No.
Jane: Mousetrap?
Daria: No.
Jane: There’s some cards. We could play poker.
Trent: I’ll need to borrow some money for that, Janey.
Daria: There’s always strip poker.
Trent: Ok
Jesse: Sounds fun.
Jane: Sure. (she brings the cards over)
Daria: I was being sarcastic.
Jane: We weren’t. What’s the matter Daria? It’s just a game.
Trent: Come on Daria. It’s more fun with more people.
Jesse: Yeah.
Daria: I think the candle fumes are affecting your thought patterns.
Jane: Their thought patterns are always affected. (she shuffles the
cards and deals them out.) Five card draw. Jokers wild.
Jesse: Maybe I can get that shirt you owe me Trent.
(an hour later, the coffee table is covered with jewelry and clothes,
all of which sitting in front of Daria. Trent and Jesse are down to
their boxers and Jane still has her underwear and black shirt)
Daria: Royal flush (she smiles)
Trent: Dammit. I’m out of the game. The shorts aren’t coming off.
Jesse: Same here.
Jane: I think I’ll leave the game with my shirt. Good job Daria. All
you lost was a boot.
Daria: You guys can have your stuff back I don’t think I can get much
use out of the earrings. (Everyone puts their clothes back on)
Jesse: What time is it?
Daria: (checks her watch) 1:15. (she puts on her boot and puts her feet
up on the coffee table)
Trent: (putting on his rings) Still raining. (he sits back down next to
Daria.) I think we’re stuck down here until morning.
Jesse: (folds out the futon) The futon is mine. (he lays down right in
the middle)
Jane: Jesse get up or move over. (Jesse rolls over to his stomach and
lies face down on the right side) Hope you don’t suffocate. (Jane
flops down on the left side and lies on her back looking up at the
ceiling) Hey I remember when we put those stars up there.
Trent: Yeah. I fell off the ladder and broke my arm. (He puts his
feet up on the coffee table) Should we put the candles out?
Jane: They’ll be fine. You and Daria gonna share the loveseat?
Trent: I don’t mind. Do you, Daria?
Daria: Um, I guess it’s okay.
Jane: Hope he doesn’t grope you in his sleep. (Daria and Trent glare
at her) Sorry! I couldn’t resist. (she rolls over and goes to sleep)
Trent: Good night Daria.
Daria: Good night Trent.

SCENE 8: Still in the basement, 11 o’clock the next morning. Jesse
rolls over and hits Jane.
Jane: Ow. Hey it stopped raining. Guys?
(Everyone’s still asleep. She looks over and sees Daria and Trent
asleep. Daria has her head on Trent’s shoulder, and Trent has his head
resting against Daria’s)
Jane: Awww…where’s a camera when you need it?
(She looks out the window again, the puddle is gone. She stands on the
washing machine and opens it up and crawls out. She returns to the
house and opens the basement door, placing a heavy log in it to keep it
open. Downstairs, the light from one of the windows shines in Trent’s
face, waking him up.)
Trent: Damn sun. (he looks down at Daria, who still has her head on
his shoulder and smiles slightly. He rests his head against hers again
and goes back to sleep. Jane comes downstairs with a camera and takes a
picture. The flash wakes them up.)
Jane: (smiling) Sorry.
Trent: Dammit Janey.
Daria: (realizing she has her head on Trent’s shoulder, sits up) Sorry
Trent.
Trent: It’s okay. What time is it?
Jane: 11:15 in the morning.
Daria: Still kind of early for Trent and Jesse. (she gets up) Do you
have anything to eat?
Jane: I just ate the last bagel. We could go to the coffee shop,
though. Get some donuts.
Daria: My arteries will be thanking me when I’m 70. Let’s go.
Jane: Can we get a ride Trent?
Trent: Sure. Gotta wake Jess up though.
Daria: Good luck. (Daria and Jane go upstairs)
Jane: So, you slept with Trent and I have the Polaroid to prove it.
Daria: You can submit it to the tabloids when I’m rich and famous. So
how’d you get out?
Jane: The window. I got spiders in my hair. You kicked ass at poker
last night.
Daria: Thank god.
Jane: I was just hoping Jesse wouldn’t win.
Daria: Such pure thoughts.
(They go back downstairs where Trent is waiting at the front door.)
Trent: Ready?
Daria: Rarin’.
Jane: Where’s Jesse?
Trent: He left already.
Jane: He didn’t want donuts?
Trent: No.

SCENE 9: Trent’s car, he’s driving Daria home. They had to go back to
Jane’s house to get Daria’s backpack. Jane said the donuts made her
sick and she wasn’t in the mood to accompany them. Private Helicopter
by Harvey Danger is playing on Trent’s radio. It keeps blipping out and
Trent hits it.
Trent: Damn radio. (It goes out)
Daria: So did you ever find that guitar pick?
Trent: Yeah. (he takes it out of his pocket and gives it to her)
Daria: An alien head.
Trent: A glow in the dark alien head. Look, Daria, sorry I got us
locked in the basement.
Daria: I didn’t mind. As long as I won the poker game, I’m happy.
Trent: Yeah. I could tell Janey was pleased by Jesse’s losing streak.
At least you gave the clothes back. Some people aren’t so generous.
Daria: Sure.
(silence. Trent stops in front of Daria’s house.)
Trent: Hey Daria?
Daria: Hm?
Trent: Would you mind if I—
Daria: What?
(Trent leans over to kiss her but right before they do there’s a knock
on the window.)
Trent: (stops) Who’s that?
Daria: My mom.
Trent: She looks pissed.
Daria: Must have found out about Quinn’s party.
Helen: Daria! You get out here right now.
Daria: Guess I’ll have to take a raincheck on that…thing.
Trent: I guess (he smiles) See ya later, Daria.
(She gets out and he drives away)
Helen: (walking with her hand on Daria’s back into the house) Who was
that boy?
Daria: Jane’s brother.
Helen: Well, where’s Jane?
Daria: She was stuffed in the trunk.
Helen: Daria, we came home last night to find the house filled with
teenagers doing—
Daria: The hokey pokey?
Helen: And you weren’t home when everyone left.
Daria: I spent the night at Jane’s.
Helen: With that boy?
Daria: (thinking: as a matter of fact…) No.
Helen: Why were you at Jane’s?
Daria: Because I didn’t want to be at Quinn’s stupid party.
Helen: We said no parties. Why didn’t you call?
Daria: I couldn’t get through.
Helen: I didn’t use my phone for the whole trip. I grounded Quinn for
a month on this, and I’m doing the same to you.
Daria: Not more family court.
Helen: Don’t worry Daria. You’re already guilty.
(Quinn is sitting with her hands crossed on the couch. Jake is asleep
on the chair)
Quinn: This is all your fault Daria. You were supposed to keep an eye
on me.

SCENE 10: Daria is in her room talking to Jane on the phone.
Jane: So they grounded you for that?
Daria: Basically. It wasn’t even my party.
Jane: Bummer. So how long?
Daria: A month.
Jane: Trent, Jesse and I are going to a Prodigy concert in a week.
Trent got you a ticket. With his own money.
Daria: Well, I could probably think of some sort of lie to convince my
parents to let me out.
Jane: Cool.
Daria: So I’ll talk to you later then.
Jane: Bye.

THE END