"So I Dated An Axe-Murderer" or,
"IVG's Revenge On All the Characters She Doesn't Like, Especially That Little
by Invisigoth Gypsy (InvisigothGypsy@starmail.com)
Summary: What if Daria finally started dating Trent? But what if Trent was
like his butcher-knife-wielding alter-ego from the credits? And what if
Trent decided to avenge all of Daria's enemies... and get a little revenge
for himself at the same time?
(Scene opens on Trent in his bedroom. He picks up the phone and dials.
Split screen with him and Daria as her phone rings and she answers it.)
TRENT: (smiles) Hey Daria.
DARIA: (smiles) Hey Trent.
(Her smile quickly fades.)
TRENT: You still want to go out tonight?
DARIA: (morosely) I can't. I have to write a ten-page report.
TRENT: (incredulous) For school?
DARIA: No. For punishment. (She sighs.) Ms. Li is making me write it
because I didn't participate in the school's wrapping paper sale. (She rolls
TRENT: (looks puzzled) How does she justify a report with a wrapping paper
DARIA: Trent, this is Ms. Li we're talking about. She doesn't *need* justi-
fication. (darkly) Besides she hates me. I'm not *popular* enough.
(Trent begins to look pissed.)
TRENT: The bitch.
(Daria looks a little worried.)
DARIA: Trent, now don't overreact--
TRENT: (assuring) Oh, I'm not. (thought VO) I'm just going to commit a
(Cut to Jane's room. She's painting a Picasso-style picture, when there is
a knock at the door.)
(Trent comes into the room.)
TRENT: Hey, Janey, can I talk to you for a minute?
(She puts down her brush and sits on the bed.)
JANE: Wait a minute... the authorities didn't find the bloody knife, did
TRENT: (grins) No way! I threw it out. (He sighs, a little wistfully.) I
sure would've like a souvenir, though. Anyway, I wanted to ask you some-
TRENT: Can I have a... list or something, of all the people who Daria sees
a lot? I want to find out who all pisses her off.
(Jane looks suspicious.)
JANE: Trent, you know even Mom might get suspicious if there were *two*
massacres in one week...
TRENT: (dismissively) Oh, I'll keep this one cleaner. And besides... (He
gets an evil grin.) Aren't Daria's enemies *your* enemies?
JANE: (with a slow smirk) You do have a point. We've got a deal!
(Cut to a few minutes later. Jane hands Trent a long scribbled list.)
JANE: That should do it.
TRENT: Thanks, Janey. You're the best.
(He leaves as Jane smirks.)
JANE: Hey, it's my one chance to get rid of Upchuck. How could I say no?
(Cut to Ms. Li's house late that night. The doorbell rings and she goes to
answer it, only to find no one there. Looking puzzled, she shuts the door
and turns around. A look of horror crosses her face, and the screen goes
(Cut to Evan's [from "See Jane Run"] house. The doorbell rings and he opens
it to see Trent.)
EVAN: Who are *you*?
TRENT: Do you know Daria Morgendorffer?
(Evan looks puzzled.)
EVAN: Uh, no. What the hell--
TRENT: What about Jane Lane?
EVAN: I don't-- wait. Yeah, she's that chick who ditched on the track team.
(He glares.) She was a real bitch.
(Trent glares, grabs Evan by the collar, and starts dragging him off.)
EVAN: (squawks) Hey what the hell are you--
(Trent covers Evan's mouth with his hand and drags him off into the night.)
(Cut to a car parked out on a dirt road. Muffled sounds are issuing from
the back seat, then a flashlight shines in the window. Quinn and Jeffy
stagger out of the car.)
QUINN: It's the police! Dammit, Jeffy, you said no one *knew* about this
JEFFY: I... er...
(Cut to their POV. The bright light from the flashlight obscures their
QUINN: (offscreen voice over) Are we under arrest?
TRENT: (voice over) You could say that.
(Cut to Brittany's house. The doorbell rings, and Brittany goes to the
BRITTANY: Who is it?
TRENT: (vo) Uh... plumber.
BRITTANY: *I* didn't call a plumber.
BRITTANY: (brightly) Oh. Okay!
(She opens the door. Trent comes in and looks around skeptically.)
BRITTANY: (suspiciously) Where's the candy?
TRENT: Oh, uh... (He digs around in his pocket.) Here. (He hands Brittany
a smooshed Hershey's Kiss.) It's from Daria.
BRITTANY: Daria? Awww, how sweet!
TRENT: So, uh... what do you think about Daria, anyway?
BRITTANY: (earnestly) Oh, she's *soo* smart! I even invited her to one of my
parties because she helps me in art class. (She beams up at Trent.) And when
that *jerk* Tommy Sherman died, Daria told me I was nice, even though I had
called him a jerk!
TRENT: Oh, uh... (He backs toward the door.) I think I made a mistake. But,
uh, you can keep the candy.
BRITTANY: Tell Daria thank you!
TRENT: Er, sure.
(He leaves quickly. Brittany looks at the candy, frowning.)
BRITTANY: *That* was really weird. (She shrugs.) Oh well.
(Cut to Upchuck's house as he answers the doorbell to find Trent there.)
UPCHUCK: Who are you?
TRENT: Uh, door-to-door salesman. Selling... uh... bikinis. Why don't you
buy one for the special lady in your life?
UPCHUCK: Ahhhh, yes. Rrrrrrrrroowwwwwwwwllllllllll! Can they be sent *anon-
TRENT: Of course. Just give me her name and address.
UPCHUCK: *Their* names. You got some paper? It's going to be quite a list.
(Cut to some time later. Trent is half-asleep.)
UPCHUCK: And then there's Sheila. And is she fiesty! Rrrrrrooooowllllll.
Hmm... and I *couldn't* forget *Daria*!
(Trent immediately perks up.)
TRENT: If you'll step right this way, I'll show you our catalog.
(He follows Trent offscreen. There is a loud thump, then silence.)
(Cut to the house of Robert [that guy Quinn set Daria up with in "The New
Kid"]. He goes to the door to find Trent there.)
ROBERT: Uh... who are you?
TRENT: I'm taking a survey.
ROBERT: Er... why?
TRENT: For a... uh... scientific study on, uh, dating.
ROBERT: Do I get anything for participating?
TRENT: Er, here.
(He hands Robert a $5 bill.)
ROBERT: (shrugs) What the heck.
TRENT: Question #1. What was the worst date you've ever been on in your
(Cut to close-up of Robert.)
ROBERT: Well, *that's* easy. Had to have been the time Quinn Morgendorffer
set me up with her nerdy cousin. (He turns pale.) Hey, man, what's with the
(Cut to Kevin's house. He's sitting on the sofa watching TV and eating
potato chips when the doorbell rings.)
KEVIN: (gets up) I wonder who that is. Hmm... Maybe Brittany wants to
(He grins and opens the door, then stares.)
KEVIN: *You're* not Brittany!
(The screen goes dark.)
(Cut to Ms. Morris, Daria's gym teacher, in her living room, doing aerobics
to an exercise video. There is a knock on the door.)
MS. MORRIS: Dammit!
(She stops the tape and goes to the door. She looks at Trent with annoy-
MS. MORRIS: What do *you* want?
TRENT: Is it true that you force your girls' gym classes to perform cheer-
MS. MORRIS: Wait, aren't you Jane Lane's brother?
TRENT: Just answer the question.
MS. MORRIS: Yes, after all cheerleading is--
TRENT: I've heard enough.
(He draws a gun and points it at her.)
TRENT: You're coming with me.
(Cut to Sandi's house, where she's having a party [to which Quinn wasn't
invited]. Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Joey, and Jamie are here.)
STACY: I've got to go fix my makeup. Be right back!
(She leaves the room.)
TIFFANY: Stacy looks cute tonight.
SANDI: Yeah, totally. (to the boys) Do *you* think Stacy's cute?
JOEY: Yeah, she's cute. But *Quinn's* cuter!
JAMIE: Yeah, is *Quinn* coming?
(Sandi glares, then the doorbell rings.)
JOEY: Maybe that's her!
(Sandi opens the door to see Trent standing there.)
SANDI: (disdainfully) Who are *you*?
(Trent pushes past her into the room and pulls out an axe.)
TRENT: Outside. Now.
TRENT: Or else the sofa gets it.
SANDI: (horrified) My mom would, like, have a fit!
(She runs outside. The others shrugs and follow her. Trent goes after them
and closes the door. A few seconds later, Stacy comes back.)
STACY: Hey, everyone, I-- (She looks around, puzzled.) Hello? You guys?
(Cut to the DeWitt-Clinton house. Trent looks up at it with smug satis-
faction then knocks on the door. Ted answers it.)
TED: Hi. Who are you?
TRENT: (smirks) I'm your worst nightmare.
(The screen goes black.)
(Fade in to Trent at Daria's door later that night. She answers it in a bath
robe, looking sleepy.)
DARIA: (yawns) Trent? It's the middle of the night.
(Cut to close up of Trent.)
TRENT: I know, sorry. But there's something you need to come see. (He
raises one eyebrow and looks deliciously evil.) I've got this *great*
present for you.
(Cut to Trent, Jane, and Daria walking to the Lane basement. They stop at
TRENT: (to Daria) Close your eyes!
(She does so reluctantly.)
(Trent opens the door. Daria opens her eyes and stares.)
JANE: Isn't this great?!? (Cut to Daria's POV and pan around the basement.
All of the people Trent abducted are here, tied up and gagged.) All your
worst enemies at your mercy!
(Daria smiles happily.)
DARIA: Trent, this is the best present *ever*!
TRENT: (hopefully) Want me to kill them for you?
DARIA: (quickly) No, don't *kill* them.
(Trent looks disappointed.)
DARIA: I have a better plan.
(The three walk down the stairs. Daria walks over to Ms. Li and ungags her.)
DARIA: Ms. Li. Remember that little report I was supposed to write?
MS. LI: Er... yes.
DARIA: Well I'm not gonna do it! And *you're* not going to say word one
MS. LI: Yes, uh, Miss Morgendorffer.
DARIA: (smirks evilly) In fact, you're going to write one of your own.
*Twenty* pages! Due tomorrow.
MS. LI: Yes, ma'am.
(Daria unties her.)
DARIA: Okay. You can go.
(Ms. Li hurries out of the basement as quickly as she can, thoroughly
chastised. Daria walks over to Evan and ungags him.)
DARIA: Ah, Evan. I remember you. (She glares.) *You* were the little
bastard who stole my best friend from me! And you know what you're going
to do now?
DARIA: You're going to quit the track team! And what's more, you're never
going to join *any* sports team *again*! You'll have to suffer being ostra-
cized by your team mates *forever*!
(Evan nods meekly. Daria unties him and he leaves. She moves on to Quinn.)
DARIA: Ah. My dear sister. Since we *are* related, I won't take away the
thing that means most to you, your popularity.
QUINN: Oh *thank* you, Daria!
DARIA: Instead, you're just going to have to do a few little things for me.
Like clean my room. Make excuses to Mom and Dad for me. (She smirks.)
Invite me to your parties.
(Quinn turns pale. Daria unties her.)
DARIA: Go now, while I'm still feeling generous.
(Quinn leaves as Daria unties Jeffy.)
DARIA: (disdainfully) Get outta here.
(As he leaves, Daria looks at Upchuck.)
UPCHUCK: Fiesty! Rrrrroooowwwwwwwwllllll.
DARIA: Er... (She looks at Jane.) What am I supposed to do with *him*?
JANE: Well, *I'd* banish him to a monestary. But I suppose that would be
a little hard to arrange.
(She unties Tiffany and Upchuck, then ties his left wrist to her right.)
(Tiffany whimpers as he drags her up the stairs.)
JANE: That was bad for Tiffany, but why him?
DARIA: I don't think even Upchuck can stand shallowness of that intensity
for very long.
JANE: Ah. Good point.
(Daria ungags Robert and looks surprised.)
DARIA: Uh... who's this?
TRENT: Janey said that your sister sent you on a date with this guy.
DARIA: (blinks) Oh yeah. *That*. Um... tell you what. You go ask my sis-
ter out on a date.
ROBERT: (grins) Okay.
(Daria lets him leave, then smirks at Jane and Trent.)
DARIA: Quinn, would *never* go out with someone *I'd* gone out with. Angst
time for Robert.
(She turns to Kevin.)
KEVIN: Uh... hi Daria!
DARIA: Kevin, I hereby command you to never touch Brittany again.
KEVIN: But... but...
DARIA: Even *she* deserves someone better than *you*.
KEVIN: But she has the Pigskin Channel!
DARIA: Tough cookies.
(She unties Kevin, and he leaves. She turns to Ms. Morris.)
DARIA: *Your* punishment is easy. I sentence you to perform your little
"cheerleader exercises". Downtown. At rush hour.
MS. MORRIS: I'll *never*-- (She glances at Trent who is casually examining
a butcher's knife.) Er, whatever you say.
(After she leaves, Daria turns to Sandi.)
DARIA: *You* are to resign as president of the Fashion Club and give your
position to Quinn.
DARIA: *And* you are to admit, *publicly*, that Quinn is cuter than you,
more popular, and has better clothes.
(Sandi bursts into tears. Daria looks at Joey and Jamie.)
DARIA: (wryly) Trying to get Quinn to go out with you is enough punishment
(She lets them go, then turns to the only remaining victim... Ted.)
TED: Aww, Daria, why do you have *me* here? I was your friend, remember?
DARIA: (glares) Yeah. Right before you scorned me, then ditched me for the
*popular* people. I can't *think* of a punishment horrible enough for you.
(She looks at Trent.) *You* think of one.
TED: (to Trent) Who *are* you?
TRENT: (smirks) *I'm* Daria's boyfriend.
(Ted looks stunned.)
TED: You... you... (to Daria) I...
TRENT: I have the perfect punishment, too.
JANE: Oooh, am I *finally* gonna get to see some blood?
TRENT: Sorry. In fact you might want to cover your eyes, Janey.
(He looks at Ted, smirks, then takes Daria in his arms and gives her a looong
TED: (crying in anguish) Nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo!!!
(A few minutes go past. Trent and Daria are soon rather oblivious to every-
JANE: Daria? Daria! Daria, that's *enough*. Daria... (Her voice fades a
little, then comes in clearer.) Daria, wake *up*!
(Watery fade to shot of Daria lying on Jane's bed with her eyes closed. She
opens them and sits up suddenly.)
(Cut to shot showing both her and Jane, in Jane's room.)
JANE: You fell asleep while I was painting. Don't you like it?
(Daria looks at the picture, which is of Ms. Li tied up and gagged.)
JANE: I painted it in honor of that ten-page report she made you turn in
DARIA: Oh. Yeah, it's cool.
(She sighs and stands up.)
JANE: Have any interesting dreams?
DARIA: (smirks) You could say that.
(Trent walks into the room.)
TRENT: Janey, have you seen my car keys?
JANE: Last time I saw, you were putting them in your pocket, genius.
(Trent reaches into his pocket and pulls out the keys.)
TRENT: Hunh. How'd that happen? (He shrugs, then smiles at Daria.) Hey,
DARIA: Hey, Trent. (She looks thoughtful a minute, then smirks.) Trent, mind
if I ask you something?
TRENT: 'Course not. What?
(Cut to close-up of Daria, smiling.)
DARIA: Do you, by any chance, own an axe?