"So Sew Me"
by Naomi Mattera

(Opening scene: Morgendorffer kitchen table. The family is eating

Quinn: Ick, it's Monday.

Daria (her usual deadpan self): What a terrible way to spend 1/7 of
your life.

Quinn: I hate fractions, they are so, um, confusing.

Daria: Maybe that's because you only have 1/2 of a brain, and use 1/4
of it.

Helen (warningly): Daria...

Daria: Just trying to give her a math lesson. By the way, Quinn,
that's one one-millionth of a shirt you
are wearing.

Quinn: Millionth? Give me a break Daria! My shirt is tiny.

Jake (looking up from his paper.): You have a million shirts?

Daria: No, only 1/4 of a million.

Jake: Damn fractions.

(Cut to Daria and Jane in gym class. Everybody is doing cheers,
including the two bitter teenagers)

Daria: Amazing how many "focus on agility weeks" they can fit into a

Jane: Yeah.

Ms. Morris (walking over to them): Ladies, why do I get the feeling
that you aren't trying?

Daria: Because we aren't. Why do I get the feeling that I am being
forced to participate in a vulgar
attempt at producing brain-dead clones?

Ms. Morris: Well as much as I like to see the two of you suffer....I
mean participate, I can't stand the
constant remarks. I have a cheerleading practice...I mean gym class to
run. See me after school in
the principal's office. (She walks away to help Brittany up from her

Jane: The principal's office?

Daria: What do you suppose this is all about?

Jane: I don't know. I really don't like that Ms. Morris.

Daria: You aren't going to join another sports team are you?

(Cut to them in Ms. Li's office. They are sitting in their usual
seats. Ms. Morris is standing by Ms. Li,
who is sitting in her chair)

Ms Li: We usually don't do this, but Ms. Morris has offered to let you
out of gym and still give you
credit, since you need one PE credit to graduate.

Daria: So we won't have a 5th period class?

Ms. Li. Of course not. I wasn't finished. You would have to finish the
year in another class. You
wouldn't get credit for that class of course. And since you don't need
a sewing credit to graduate,
and it being the only class available, you'll have to take clothing.

Daria: And why are you letting us do this?

Ms. Li: Because we want our students to be happy at Laaaawndale High.

Jane (to Daria): yeah, right.

Ms. Li: Do you accept this offer?

Daria: Jane?

(Jane shrugs)

(Cut to them walking home)

Daria: Sewing vs cheerleading.

Jane: I'll take sewing.

Daria: What if we have to sew cheerleading outfits?

Jane: It's still better than wearing one.

(Cut to Morgendorffers at dinner)

Helen: So Ms. Morris let you out of gym class?

Daria: Uh huh. To take sewing.

Quinn: Oh, no! Sandi and Tiffany have sewing 5th period.

Helen: Well, Daria try not to be a deviant in this class too.

Daria: "In the US you have to be a deviant or die of boredom."

Jake (looking up from his paper, proudly): Ben Franklin!

Daria: William Burroughs.

Jake: I've never heard of Burroughs. You sure it wasn't Franklin,

(Cut to Daria in her room watching Sick Sad World)

TV: Could you be filling your house with nitrous oxide when you burn
candles? Laughing gas
candles, on the next Sick Sad World.

(The phone rings. Show split screen of Daria and Jane)

Daria: Hello?

Jane: Yo.

Daria: Did you watch Sick Sad World?

Jane: Of course. The person who ate carpet samples was pretty cool.

Daria: Not as cool as the woman who adopted barbie as her daughter.

Jane: So, what did your mother say about getting out of P.E?

Daria: She was fine with it. Yours?

Jane: If she were here, I doubt that she'd leave her kiln long enough
for me to tell her.

Daria: I wish I had your family.

Jane: But if you were related to Trent, you wouldn't be able to date

Daria: Funny. I'll see you at school tomorow.

Jane: Later.

(Cut to the next day. Daria and Jane are walking in the hall)

Jane: Well, it's off to sewing class.

Daria: I hope we made the right decision.

(They walk into the sewing room. Mrs. Langly comes over to them. Mrs.
Langly looks a lot like
Mrs. Bennett except she has long blonde hair and is a bit thinner)

Langly: You must be the new girls. What are your names?

Jane: Jane Lane.

Daria: Daria Morgendorffer.

Langly: Quinn's sister?

Daria: Sister, cousin, au pair, yes.

Langly: Well I'm glad you two got here a little early. Ms. Li
explained your situation to me. Since the
year's almost over, all you have to do is make something for somebody
you know. But they can't be
in this class. (She runs over to some girl who looks frustrated.)

Daria: So much for making a pink taffeta dress for you, Jane.

Jane: Trent could always use a new shirt. Actually he could use two.

Daria: I have a better idea. I want to make something for Quinn.
Something that looks terrible.

Jane: I have an even better idea. You make a shirt for Trent. Let me
make something for Quinn.

Daria: Why?

Jane: Because I'd love to get Quinn back for polluting my mind with
her fashion 101 for a whole

Daria: But I'm a terrible seamstress. Trent would probably laugh at my

Jane: I doubt that you are terrible. Come to think of it, I've never
seen you be terrible at anything.
'Cept maybe cheerleading. Besides, wouldn't you love to see Quinn have
to wear one of my works
of art?

Daria: What makes you think Quinn will wear it?

Jane: That's up to you to figure out, brainiac.

Daria: It's a deal. Though you get the better end of it.

Jane: You get to measure Trent for his shirt. I'd say that's pretty
good for you.

(The bell rings and people start pouring into class. Mrs. Langly gets
the class's attention)

Langly: Class, two more students will be joining us. Jane Lane and
Daria Morgendorffer. Ok,
everybody get to work. Daria, Jane, why don't you look through some
patterns and decide what to

(Daria and Jane go over to the patterns)

Jane: Here's a plain old shirt, for plain old Trent.

Daria: Do you think he'd like it?

Jane: I think he'd like anything you'd make him.

Daria (mock threatening): I wonder if Mrs. Langly could teach me how
to tie a noose. (pause) Find
anything to make Quinn?

Jane: No. But Trent could take us to the fabric store tonight. I'll
find something there.

(Cut to Jane and Trent knocking on the Morgendorffer door. Daria
answers it)

Daria: Come on in.

(They go to the living room where Quinn is throwing a fit. Helen is

Quinn: But MOM! The end of the semester dance is coming up and I just
*have* to buy a new

Helen: Out of the question, Quinn. You've bought enough clothes this
semester and you owe me
$250 as it is.

Quinn: But all the other girls will have a new dress.

Helen (tiredly): Quinn

Daria (to Jane): Why don't you make the dress for her?

Jane: I don't know if I can make a dress.

Daria: That's the point. (To Quinn) I think I can help you, Quinn.

Quinn: You? You'll give me 500 dollars?

Daria: No, but Jane here will make a dress for you.

Quinn: Are you kidding?

Jane: Think of it this way, you won't have to worry about anybody
wearing the same dress as you.

Quinn (looks like she is thinking hard): But everybody will know I
didn't buy it.

Daria: Well, then, you'll just have to wear one of your dresses that
everybody has already seen you
in. Come on Jane, let's go.

Quinn: Wait! Ok, you can make me the dress

Helen: See, how things work out, Quinn.

Daria: Well I guess this means you have to come to the fabric store
with us.

(Cut to them at the fabric store)

Quinn: I cannot believe we all had to fit into that little car. And
the was so *ugly*. I'd die if any of my
friends saw me. And you (pointing to Trent accusingly) practically
killed us when you almost fell

Trent: Sorry.

Daria: Your incessant chatter could put anything to sleep, Quinn.

Quinn (Still going on, oblivious to Daria's comment): It smelled in
there and I couldn't get the
window open.

Daria: Stuff a sock in it, Quinn. Go find a pattern.

(A guy who works there approaches them)

Guy (mostly to Quinn): Hi, I'm Alex. Can I help you find anything?

Quinn: Yes. I need a dress pattern. Something cute.

Alex: Right this way. (they walk off.)

Daria: Thank God we got rid of her.

Jane: Her relentless babbling is mind numbing.

Trent: What are you making, Daria?

Daria: Um, Jane didn't tell you?

Trent: Um, no...?

Jane: Daria wants to make you a shirt.

(Trent doesn't react. Daria looks embarrassed and glares at Jane)

Daria: It was Jane's idea. If you don't want me to I can......

Trent: Nah, it's cool Daria. I could always use another shirt.

Daria: Well pick out some material. (Holds up the pattern) This is the
pattern we thought you'd like,
but you can choose a different one.

Trent: That pattern's cool. What color fabric should I get?

Daria: You can't go wrong with black.

Jane: No, that's too boring. How about red.

Trent: How about navy blue.

Daria: It's your choice.

Trent: Dark blue it is then.

Jane: I thought you said navy blue.

Trent: Yeah, but I don't want to think about being drafted.

Daria: Join the navy. Meet interesting people. Kill them.

Jane: Dark blue it is. We'll have to get some collar material. (They
get all the required material.)

Jane: I wonder where Quinn is.

Daria: Why wonder? She isn't here. That's all that matters.

Jane: You spoke too soon.

(Quinn comes up chattering away to Alex who is holding a bunch of

Quinn: I have narrowed it down to these colors. (She indicates the
various fabrics that Alex is

Daria (Uninterested): Just get the least expensive one. We are limited
to 40 dollars each.

Quinn: I guess that means lavender then. Alex helped me pick out this
pattern. He said it would be
easy. (For once Quinn is right. It's a simple dress. Halter style top.
The rest is straight, but clingy)

Alex: You'll look really good in it. You'd look good in anything.

Quinn: This is going to be so great. I'll have the most (pause)
original dress there.

Jane (to Daria): Original is putting it delicately.

(Cut to them in Trent's car. The three ride in silence while Quinn
talks non-stop)

Trent (Trying to shut Quinn up): So, um, Daria, do you need me for

Daria (ThoughtVO: You offering?): No, not really, I.....

Jane: Yes, she does. She has to get your measurments.

Daria: You could just tell them to me.

Jane: I don't think Trent could give you accurate measurements. Why
don't you just come over now
and get them?

(They pull up to the Morgendorffers house and Quinn gets out. Cut to
them at the Lane's. Jane and
Daria are walking to Trent's room. Daria is holding a tape measure.)

Daria: I really don't need to measure him at all, Jane. It's a simple

Jane: Yeah, but I know you want to.

Daria: I will kill you. With this tape measure.

(They walk into Trent's room)

Trent: So, um, what do you need me to do?

Jane: Why don't you take off your shirt so Daria can get an accurate

Daria: Um, that really isn't necassary....

Trent: Sure. (He removes his shirt. Daria remains as deadpan as she
can manage)

Trent: So are you going to measure me? Daria. Daria? (She just kind of
stands there)

Daria: Oh, um, yeah.

(Daria measures him touching him as little as possible. Trent stands
there oblivious to any discomfort
on Daria's part. But when Daria puts her arms around him for the waist
measurement he smiles a

Jane (seeing the smile): Enjoying this Trent?

Trent: Wha...?

Jane: I saw you smile.

Trent: It kind of tickles.

Jane: Since when are you ticklish?

Trent: Since now. (He glares at her)

Daria: I guess I'm done. Thanks Trent.

Trent: Sure. D'you need a ride home?

Daria: Sure, if you don't mind.

Trent: Not a problem. You coming, Janey?

Jane: Ya know, I'm pretty tired. I think I'll stay here.

(Cut to Trent's car)

Trent: It's nice of you to make me a shirt.

Daria: Hopefully you'll think it's nice after I'm done. I'm not the
best seamstress.

Trent: I'm sure you'll do a great job, Daria. (He smiles. They pull up
to Daria's house)

Daria: Yeah, um, thanks for the ride, Trent.

(cut to her coming into her house)

Helen (offscreen): Daria, is that you?

Daria: No.

Helen (coming in to view): Why didn't you come home with Quinn? Where
were you?

Daria: Loitering in a dark alley.

Helen: You missed dinner.

Daria: Amazing what good food you can find in alley garbage cans.

Helen: Where were you really?

Daria (sighs): I was at Jane's, Mom.

Helen: So, what are you doing for your project?

Daria: I'm making a straight jacket to keep Quinn in.

Helen: Daria....

Daria: I'm making a shirt for Jane's brother.

Helen (patronizingly): That's great sweetie.

(Helen's phone rings)

Helen: Helen Morgendorffer. Eric? No, I can't......(She walks away)

(Daria goes up to her room and turns on the TV)

TV: Mermaids by day, strippers by night. Fishy exotic dancers next, on
Sick Sad World)

Daria: They are really losing their touch.

(Cut to Quinn on the phone with Sandi. Split screen)

Quinn: Yeah, my cousin's friend insisted on making me a dress. And
since I'm in the fashion club I
thought I'd let her feel special just this once.

Sandi: That's so generous of you, Quinn. Hopefully it will look good.
Not that you could ever look
not good.

Quinn (confused): No, of *course* not, Sandi. I figured if I let her
make my dress, then I wouldn't
have to worry about somebody getting the same dress as me.

Sandi: That is so smart of you, Quinn. I have to go. I have a *date*.

Quinn: Um, so do I. Bye Sandi.

Sandi: Whatever. Bye.

(Cut to next day in sewing class. Daria and Jane are working on
alterations to Quinn's pattern)

Jane: I was thinking I could add those little off the shoulder
sleeves. And a big old bow to the hip.

Daria: Oh yeah. I can see that. This is going to be great. (Sandi and
Tiffany approach them)

Sandi: Um, hi, Quinn's cousin and Quinn's cousin's little friend or

Daria: Yes?

Sandi: Quinn told me that you are making her a dress.

Jane: Yes.

Sandi (with a devilish grin): Well if you need any fashion advice, I
can help you. You know, big
bows are really in this season.

Jane: Help me make it look bad? I can do that on my own. However, you
and Quinn look about the
same size. You could be my mannequin.

Sandi: Um, I am not the same size as Quinn. Quinn has bigger hips.

Jane: Whatever.

Sandi: But I will still help. (She walks away)

Tiffany (to Sandi): Why did you offer to help them?

Sandi (evily): Anything for Quinn.

Jane: Can you believe that those fashion fiends call each other
friends? Sandi wanted to help make
Quinn's dress look bad.

Daria: I know.

Jane: This is almost too easy.

Daria: Jane, I know you want to get Quinn back. I want to embarrass
Quinn, too. But I can't give
Sandi the satisfaction.

Jane (starts to protest): But....(realizing Daria is right) You're

Daria: But we can string Sandi along just for the fun of it.

Jane: That's my girl. So I guess this means we aren't going to use my
alterations. We'd better get to

Daria: Yeah.

(Cut to Daria in her room later that night. There is a knock on her

Helen (offscreen): Daria, are you in there?

Daria: Do you have a prescheduled appointment? I am busy focusing on
the cracks in my ceiling.

Helen (coming in. She sits down on the bed)): I just wanted to talk to
you about the dress that your
friend Jane is making for Quinn.

Daria: What do you mean?

Helen: This isn't some plot to humiliate your sister is it?

Daria: Even if it was, it would somehow backfire and either make her
more popular or make me
more of an outcast.

Helen: I'm serious. This dress is really important to your sister.

Daria (sighs): Relax mom. This isn't some brash scheme to mortify
Quinn. (Helen gives an unsure
smile, and gets up to leave) (Daria quietly): Well, not anymore anyway

Helen: What?

Daria: Nothing.

(Cut to a few weeks later. The dress is almost done. Daria has long
finished Trent's shirt but hasn't
given it too him yet. Jane and Daria are in sewing class)

Jane: Well I just have to hem this up and it's all finished.

Daria: It actually looks good. I can't believe I am helping my sister.

Jane: Don't think of it that way. Think of it as thwarting Sandi.

Daria: Sandi and I work for the same thing. The humilation of Quinn.
Tell me again why I am
thwarting her.

Jane: Because, Sandi is like Quinn. You don't want to help people like
them out. But since Quinn is
your sister you make an exception for her, only when somebody as
popular as she is, is trying to do
the same thing you would do to her. Understand?

Daria: No, but it sounds good.

(Sandi comes over)

Sandi (To Jane): So, Quinn's cousin's little friend, or whatever, are
you like done with Quinn's dress?

Jane: Just about.

Sandi: Can I see it?

Jane: No. But we took your advice and added that big bow. Also, the
orange sash. Excellent idea,

Sandi (Thinking they really did add those things, smiles): Glad I
could help. It's my duty as president
of the fashion club. But why can't I see it?

Jane: Right. You'll see it at the dance tonight.

(Cut to after school. Daria and Jane are at their lockers.)

Jane: You wanna come over?

Daria (sardonically): Oh, no, I'd much rather go home and spend
quality time with my family.

Jane: Well, this is the perfect chance to give your shirt to Trent.

Daria (mock thoughtfully): Well, it has been a while since I've heard
my dad reminisce about his

(The fashion club walks by and stops a few lockers down from where
Jane and Daria are standing.)

Sandi: So, like, how many boys have asked you to the dance, Quinn?

Quinn: I don't really know. I lost count after 14.

Sandi: OOOOh, so who are you going with?

Quinn: Well, last night I finally narrowed it down to Matthew. I would
have waited till this afternoon
to tell him, in case somebody better came along, but I wanted to give
Matthew some time to pick
out a corsage. Who are you going with, Sandi?

Sandi: Well, after numerous guys asked me, I decided to go with Jacob.

Tiffany: Jacob is so cool.

(The three J's approach Quinn)

Quinn: Hi Joey, Jeffy, Johnny.

Jamie: It's Jamie.

Joey: Quinn, I really wish you'd go to the dance with me.

Jeffy: No, me!

Jamie: Please go with me.

Quinn: You guys. You've all already asked me 5 times. I told you, I'm
going with Matthew. But I
might be able to save a dance for each of you.

Joey: That'd be great, Quinn.

Jeffy: Really nice.

Jamie: You're the greatest.

Sandi: I'll save a dance for you guys, too.

(The three J's ignore her.)

Sandi (under her breath): Just wait till you see Quinn's dress.

(Cut to Daria and Jane at the Lane's house. They are in Jane's room
sitting on the bed.)

Jane: Just go give it to him.

Daria: Fine. (She gets up. Jane doesn't move): You coming?

Jane: No, you go by yourself. I just got a great idea for painting.

(Cut to Daria, knocking on Trent's door)

Trent: Who is it?

Daria: Room service.

Trent (opens the door): Huh? Oh, hey Daria.

Daria: Hi.

(She stands there)

Trent: So.......

Daria: Did I wake you up?

Trent: No, I was just about to practice.

Daria: Oh.

Trent: So, um, did you want something?

Daria (blushes): No, I um, I finished your shirt. (She pulls it out of
a bag)

Trent: Oh, yeah, my shirt. I forgot about that.

(She hands him the shirt. He takes it and holds it up. He smiles)

Trent: Thanks Daria, you're the coolest.

Daria: Yeah, um, I'm going to go see what Jane's up to.

(She leaves. Trent shuts his door)

(Daria walks back into Jane's room. Jane hasn't moved)

Daria: So, do you often paint while laying on your bed?

Jane: Yeah, it's called mental painting.

Daria: I see.

Jane: So, how did it go?

Daria: I handed him the shirt. He said thank you. He'll probably never
wear it.

(Trent walks in wearing Daria's shirt)

Jane: Yo, Trent. Nice shirt.

Trent: So how do I look?

Jane: Stunning. I've never seen you in a clean shirt before.

Trent: It's really comfortable. Thanks, Daria.

Daria: Um, no problem.

Trent: I think I'll wear it to the next Mystic Spiral gig. There's one
tonight. At Lawndale High come
to think of it. Do you know anything about a dance, Janey?

Jane: Yeah. I go to the school, remember?

Trent: Oh yeah. Are you going?

Jane: Yeah, I made a dress for Daria's sister. I want to see my art
being touched by millions of guys'

Trent: Daria's sister? Oh, that one girl. Are you going to the dance
tonight, Daria?

Daria: Yeah, since Jane's going.

Trent: Cool. You guys want a ride?

Jane: Trent, I asked you for a ride tonight 3 days ago. Could you
drive us over to Daria's right now?
I have to give princess Quinn her dress.

Trent: Um, sure.

(Cut to them in the Morgendorffers' living room. Helen is sitting on
one couch. Jake is in his chair
reading his newspaper. Trent is sitting on the other couch trying not
to fall asleep. They are waiting
for Quinn to come out in her dress so Jane can make any last minute
changes. Quinn comes out)

Quinn: It's perfect.

Jane (To daria): Yeah, it didn't even need the orange sash.

Trent: You made that, Janey?

Helen: I think you owe Jane a thank you, Quinn.

(Quinn is spinning around looking at herself. When Helen says this
Quinn looks taken aback.)

Quinn (Forcingly): Thanks, Jen.

Jane: No problem. It's Jane though.

Quinn: Whatever.

Daria: Well, with that all wrapped up, I'm going back over to Jane's.

Jane: Don't you want to change for the dance?

Quinn: You're going?!

Daria: Yeah. I would never miss the end of the semester formal.

Quinn: It's the end of the semester *semi* formal.

Daria: Right. See you there. SIS

(Cut to the dance. People are just starting to show up. Jane and Daria
are helping Trent and the
band set up. Jane is wearing her normal top, sans the jacket, with a
blue skirt similar to Daria's. She
doesn't have her tights on. Daria is wearing her normal skirt with a
light green blouse/shirt. The girls
are both without their combat boots and wearing dress shoes. )

Daria: I can't believe that I am at a school dance. The last thing I
want to see is Quinn get more
attention than she does at school.

Jane: Oh, this should be good. (She is looking at the door. A big
smirk comes on her face)

Daria: What are you smirking at? (She follows Jane's eyes. Sandi comes
in with a dress that is
lavender, halter top style. It is amazingly similar to Quinn's.
Tiffany comes in behind Sandi.)

Daria: I don't believe this.

Jane: Funny how things turn out.

Daria: Somehow in the weird twist of events we ended up thwarting both
of them. I can't wait for the
sparks to start flying.

(Quinn enters with her date. When she and Sandi see each other they
both stop dead in their tracks.
They both look really peeved.)

Tiffany (to Sandi): I can't believe she's wearing a dress so close to
yours. That's so lame.

(Sandi walks over to Daria and Jane)

Sandi: That was really not nice, Quinn's cousin or whatever. Making
Quinn's dress look like mine.

Daria: I never saw your dress. You are just mad because I didn't take
your horrid fashion advice in
your pathetic attempt at trying to humiliate Quinn. You got what you
deserve, Sandi.

(Sandi just looks at her. Shocked. Glares at Jane)

Sandi (trying to save face): Well at least I look good in my dress.

(She storms off to her date who is talking to Quinn and the rest of
the fashion club)

Sandi: Come on Jacob, let's dance. (She and Jacob hit the dance floor.
And we all know what
Sandi's dancing looks like)

Tiffany (To Quinn): I can't believe she copied your dress. That's so

Stacy: I like both of them

Joey: Your dress is definitely better, Quinn. Will you dance with me?

Quinn (In *deep* thought): Well.....I think I should dance with
Matthew right now, since I came
with him. But you could get me some punch.

(Cut to Daria and Jane)

Jane: That was disappointing. I was hoping for at least a cat fight.

Daria: And ruin their freshly glued nails? I think not.

Trent (onstage, using microphone): Hi, that song was called "From the
Futon". I just want to say hi
to my sister, Jane. And thanks to her friend, Daria. She made the
shirt I'm wearing. Thanks, Daria.

Jane: Aw, how sweet.

Daria: I don't wear acrylic nails. I have no problem with cat fighting.

Jane: Hiss, hiss.

(Cut to Morgendorffer living room)

Quinn: And then Sandi showed up in a dress almost identical to mine. I
was so humiliated.

Helen: Daria, did you have fun at the dance?

Daria: No. I was hoping that one of the fashion club members would at
least throw a punch.

Quinn: And break our nails?

Helen: Daria...

Daria: Well, I'm off to finish counting the threads in my carpet.
Don't do anything exciting without

(Cut to a few weeks later. Daria and Jane are at Jane's house. In
Jane's room)

Daria: Well, I'm glad we don't have to go back to sewing or PE.

Jane: Yeah. But I think you might need to make another shirt for Trent.

Daria: Why?

Jane: It's the only shirt he'll wear.

Daria: I haven't seen him in it.

Jane: He sleeps in it every night.

Daria: Sure.

(Cut to Trent asleep in Daria's shirt.)

(Cut to Alter Ego's and end credits. )

The End.