A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story
by Peter W. Guerin
With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis.


None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity, this takes place after the events depicted in "Return of
the Lawndale Militia".

All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division
Of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

"Brinks" is a registered trademark of Brinks Security Systems, Inc.

"Plymouth", "Valiant", "Duster" and "Jeep" are registered trademarks of
Daimler-Chrysler AG.

"Jason Vhoores" and Friday the 13th are registered trademarks of Paramount

Pictures Corporation, a division of Viacom International, Inc.

"Freddy Krueger", "Leatherface", "Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Texas
Chainsaw Massacre" are registered trademarks of New Line Cinema, a Time
Warner Entertainment Company.

"Dracula", "The Frankenstein Monster", "Chuckie" and Child's Play are
registered trademarks of Universal Pictures, a division of Joseph A.
Seagram and Co., Inc.

"United States Postal Service", "USPS", "Priority Mail", "Fly Like an
Eagle", "We Deliver For You" and the USPS eagle logo are registered
trademarks of the Unites States Postal Service.

"Velma" and "Shaggy" are registered trademarks of Hanna-Barberra
Productions, a Time Warner Entertainment Company.

In this plain text version of this story, footnotes are included in this
story. The actual notes are at the end of the story.

("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play as we see Daria
at a theater. She's not laughing when everyone else is. At gym class,
Daria lets the volleyball get by her, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash
hostile looks at her. In the hallway, Kevin and Brittany are blocking
Daria's locker. Daria gets out a whistle and blows on it, causing
Kevin to think it's time for football practice. He and Brittany clear out,
and Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one
who's not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get by
her again, once again resulting in hostile looks from Stacy and Tiffany.
At a wedding, the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan left to see
Jake, Quinn and Helen crying while Daria calmly picks up and reads a
newspaper with the headline "MAYOR INDICTED" on the front page. At gym
class again, Stacy and Tiffany collide trying to get the volleyball and
fall unconscious, while Daria lets it get past her again. Close-up of
Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo,
below which is the caption "in: 'Strange Reunions'".)
Scene 1: Howard Drive, Lawndale. About 3:15 PM Wednesday.

(Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane are walking down the street after
school has let out for the day. First we see a side shot of them, then a
close-up shot from the front of them.)

Daria: So, how was your day at the coal mines?

Jane: (Hacking and coughing) I think I'm getting black lung; otherwise,
I'm OK.

Daria: Where's the damn union when you need them?

Jane: I think they busted that up at the last strike.

Daria: Dammit.

(They now approach Casa Lane at 111 Howard. Jane stops at the mailbox and
gets the mail out.)

Jane: Let's see: The usual "Pay now or we'll repossess everything"
crapola; "You may already be a winner!"; a postcard from Penny--(Her eyes
widen at that last statement. She goes back through the mail again).
I can't believe it! A postcard from Penny!

Daria: Did she finally find that overseas job she was looking for?

Jane: Nope. According to this it says she's going to be paying us a
visit! But why would she risk coming over here when--

Daria: Would this have to do with what Trent was saying to me when we
were over at Japan busting the Tezuka gang's smuggling weapons to the
Lawndale Militia? (1)

Jane: Well, I'd rather not talk about it. . .

(Trent now exits the house. He goes up to Daria and Jane.)

Trent: Hey, Janey, Daria. How's tricks?

Daria: You've got a postcard from your big sister Penny.

Trent: (As he grabs the mail from Jane) Hmm, this could be interesting.

Mom's supposed to be back from the supermarket soon. She'd want to read


(And, speak of the Devil, Amanda Lane pulls up in the blue Plymouth
Valiant normally driven by Trent. She gets out of the car and opens the
trunk to get the groceries.)

Amanda: Hey, guys!

Jane & Trent: Hi, Mom.

Daria: Hello, Mrs. Lane.

Amanda: Feel like helping me with the groceries?

Daria: Sure beats trying to beat my brains out figuring out trigonometry

problems. (To Jane) By the way, Miss "I'm struggling with math", how are
you doing with that? (2)

Jane: Now I'm a "B" average student in that department.

Daria: They'd better stop the presses at the Lawndale Lowdown and let
everyone know.

(The Lanes and Daria carry the groceries into the kitchen. They begin
unpacking them.)

Amanda: Was there any mail today, kids?

Trent: We got a postcard from Penny. (He hands it to her.)

Amanda: (Reading it) "Dear Mom, Dad, Trent and Jane: I'm going to be
coming home within the week. I just want to pay a visit for a while.
Traveling around the world can get exhausting after a while. Hope to see
you soon. Take care. Love, Penny." (She turns to the kids) Hey, this
is great! Penny's been out of the country for about twenty years now.
I've got to tell Dad about this.

Daria: Aren't you concerned about what will happen when she comes here?

Jane: Mom, let's not get there. . .

Amanda: Jane, I think your friend deserves to know the truth. I can
remember it all like it was just yesterday. . .

(Misty dissolve to the past, about 1979. The opening bars of "Scooby
Snacks" from the Fun Lovin' Criminals can be heard. Panoramic shot of
Lawndale as it looked twenty years
ago. Cut to a shot of Main Street. We see a young Penny Lane, a teenager
with green eyes, red-auburn hair and wearing a purple tank top and
bell-bottom pants walking down the street with two friends. The first is
an African-American man named Jacko Reed, who's wearing a denim vest over
a red shirt and jeans. The other is a Japanese-American girl named Sheila
Fumiyara, who's wearing a white T-shirt with a cannabis leaf on it and
denim shorts.)

Voice-over of Amanda: Penny had just graduated from high school. She was

quite a lot like Jane. However, she was also with the Lawndale Communist
Party. (3) We Lanes are pretty much socialistic but Penny went whole hog.
One day, she and her friends Jacko Reed and Sheila Fumiyara were going
down the street discussing matters. . .

Penny: So, Jacko, Sheila, what do you feel like doing on our last summer
of freedom?

Jacko: Hey, Penny, man, we'll have plenty of time for fun in-between
studying and all that shit during college!

Sheila: Yeah, Penny, we're all going to Middleton College this fall,

Penny: Yeah, but what do you feel like doing?

Sheila: I already did my big thing for the summer. (She gets an empty
condom wrapper from her purse.) I lost my virginity to Brad Smith last

Penny: You actually save that condom wrapper?

Sheila: I wanted something to remember him by.

Jacko: Well, man, I've already got it mapped out what I'm gonna do.

Penny: What?

Jacko: The secretariat's informed me that we've got serious cash flow
problems, man. We've gotta save up for a rainy day.

Penny: Meaning?

Jacko: Well, if the crap hits the fan in Iran and Carter messes up, he
won't be there for long, and the honkeys probably elect some
ultra-right-wing Hollywood has-been I've been reading about in the papers.
I think he uses hair dye and greases his hair. If he's elected,
some of my brothers and sisters are gonna lose their welfare, man.

Sheila: Then what?

Jacko: We launch the revolution, man! That's what! We need the dough to
buy the toys we need to topple the capitalist pigs!

Penny: And how do we propose to do that?

Jacko: I've been mapping this out, Pen-lady! The Brinks truck makes a
drop-off at the Lawndale Bank every day at 2:45 PM. I got word from
reliable sources that tomorrow's drop-off's gonna be half a mill!

Penny: I don't know, Jacko. Robbing a bank--even if the capitalist elite
in this town owns it--so we can spread the loot to the proletariat isn't
my idea of fomenting revolution.

Jacko: C'mon, Penny! You tellin' me ya chicken?

Sheila: We've got coffers to fill, Penny!

Penny: We Lanes may be hell-raisers, but breaking the law isn't in our
best interests. Besides, we've got plenty of mouths to feed. My baby
brother Trent just turned one year old a week ago. I want to be around
for him, unlike what Wind and Summer did and run off.

Jacko: Penny, are you in on this or are you out?

Penny: Let me think about it, guys.

Sheila: If you're not going to tow the line on this, Penny, maybe you'd
better turn in your membership card.

Penny: Guys, I've got to go and sort things out.

(She walks away. Jacko and Sheila just look at each other. The flashback
now shifts to the Lane residence. Background music: the opening guitar
riff from "Hey, Hey, My, My" by Neil Young.)

Voice-over of Amanda: Penny was very troubled over this. She wanted to
have someone objective to talk to, so she came home and spoke to me.

(We see Penny and Amanda sitting at the kitchen table having coffee.)

Penny: Mom, I think what Jacko and Sheila are planning to do is wrong.

Amanda: Well, no one ever said having a revolution was going to be easy.

Penny: Yeah, but robbing a bank?

Amanda: I have to agree with you there, Penny. Maybe you should talk to
the police.

Penny: Mom, the police already hate our guts for all those demonstrations
we made against Vietnam when we were in junior high. We were both carted
away to jail over it, remember?

Amanda: Ah, yes. What fond memories. (She breaks into a smile. Penny
scowls for a bit.)

Penny: What I need to do is try to sleep on it.

Amanda: Yeah, a good sleep does wonders.

Penny: See you later. (She gets up and heads upstairs. She passes by a
crib that has a one-year old Trent in it. We can see some semblance of
the hairstyle he would later have, is wearing nothing but cloth diapers,
and is obviously asleep.) Trent, my man, I envy you. You just sleep all
day. You don't have to worry about shit like I do. (She sticks her hand
into the crib and pats Trent on the head.) Sleep tight, kiddo. (She goes
up the stairs.)

Voice-over of Amanda: What no one knew was that later that day, there was

indeed a robbery.

(The flashback now goes to the Lawndale Bank. Shot of the front exterior.

Background music: the opening bars of "All Along the Watchtower" by Jimi

Hendrix. Cut to the back. A Brinks truck pulls up to the doors. However,
a red Plymouth Duster pulls up at the same time. Three persons, wearing
all-black clothes and black ski masks exit. They pull out rifles.)

Crook # 1: All right, this is a heist!

Crook # 2: Give us the money, and no one gets hurt!

Crook # 3: Give it to us now!

(The guards take out their guns and shoot. The three crooks shoot back,
killing both guards. We see two of them commandeer the Brinks truck
while the third gets back into the Duster. The flashback now shifts back
to the Lane house as we see three plainclothes police officers pounding on
the door. The first is a man with black hair and wearing a trenchcoat.
The second is a black man wearing a blue business suit. The third is a
blonde woman wearing a blouse, tweed jacket and skirt, and beige high

Voice-over of Amanda: What I didn't realize was that the local police had
a plant in the Communist Party who had informed them of the robbery. Now
they were going to go in for the kill.

(Amanda opens the door.)

Amanda: Yes?

Officer # 1: Sorry to disturb you, Ma'am, we're from the police. (He
produces his badge.) I'm Detective Steven Jones. (Points to his
associates.) The other gentleman is Sgt. Jim Starks, and the lady is Lt.
Sarah Knight. Are you Amanda Lane?

Amanda: Yes. And why may I ask do I have the pleasure of your company

Det. Jones: We're here to speak to your daughter, Penny. She may be a
suspect in the robbery of the Lawndale Bank this afternoon.

Amanda: She told me it wasn't going to happen until tomorrow! She
couldn't have been involved! I was with her since she came home a couple
of hours ago.

(Cut to the inside of the house. We see Penny come down the stairs, then
stop at the last step when she sees the police. She bolts up the stairs
again. Lt. Knight sees it.)

Lt. Knight: Heads up, guys! I think I just saw the perp flee!

(All three officers now rush into the house, knocking over Amanda. They
run up the stairs. They go into Penny's room, which in the future would
be Jane's room. However, they see that Penny opened a window and jumped
to the ground. She's obviously fled.)

Sgt. Starks: Put out an APB (4) on her.

Det. Jones: That's what I intend to do.

Lt. Knight: Mrs. Lane, if you've helped her out in any way, you will be

arrested for aiding and abetting a known fugitive from justice.

Amanda: (Now threatening) Just try it, sister!

Det. Jones: Did we tell you that two Brinks guards were murdered in the

robbery? Your daughter can face the death penalty in this state for that!

Amanda: (Now getting real mad) GET OUT! (She takes one of her vases and

flings it at the officers. They run like Hell. Misty dissolve back to
the present. We now see Amanda in the present as well.) That was the
last I saw of Penny. Jacko and Sheila were gone as well. However, they
told me that they didn't pull the robbery that day, either. All three
have been on the run ever since. Penny is the first I know so far who's

returned to the country. (A tear can be seen on her face.) Even if it
means she gets arrested, it would be nice to be able to see her again.
(Jane and Trent put consoling arms around Amanda.)

Daria: You know, I didn't know until now why Penny was out of the country.
Now I have to say I'm damn near frightened for her. They just suspected
her and her friends because they were Communists?

Jane: Yeah, all because they were Communists.

Daria: For what it's worth, I can see if Mom can help Penny. I'll give
her a call right now.

(She goes to the phone.)

Amanda: Thanks, Daria. Now I know why Trent thinks you're so special.

(She begins to cry a bit as Jane and Trent engage in a group hug with her.)
Scene 2: Taylor Residence, Crewe Neck Gated Community, Lawndale. About
4:30 PM the same day. Background Music: the opening guitar riff of "Limo

Wreck" by Soundgarden.

(Shot of the exterior, then the living room. Brian, Brittany's kid
brother, is seen petting a cat's head so hard that it bounces up and down
like a basketball.)


Cat: MEROWER! HISSSSSSSSSSS! (The cat takes a swipe at Brian with his

Brian: BAD CAT! BAD, BAD CAT! (He now pokes it in the nose.)


(Brittany now enter, oblivious to the whole matter. She's sorting through
the mail that she brought in a few minutes ago.)

Brittany: HMMMM, let's see. This one's for Dad, this one's for Dad, this
one's for Ashley-Amber, this issue of "Animal Abuser" magazine's obviously
for you, Brian. (She hands it to him. She now pauses at the next one.
Shot of the envelope, which has Brittany's name on it and the return
address says "VIVIAN TAYLOR" on it with a Hollywood address.) This one's
for me from Mom! It must be time for her annual visit!

(She eagerly opens it. She begins to read it.)

Voice-over of Vivian: Dear Brittany: By the time you get this, I should
be in town for my annual visit. However, I want to see you first before I
see Brian. This is very important. Meet me for dinner at Smoggy Ralph's
Bistro (5) tonight at 7:30 PM. Please be on time. I don't know if I'll
ever get the chance to speak to you like this again. Love, Mom.

(Steve now walks in. He speaks rather smarmy.)

Steve: (Ignoring Brian's pounding the cat's head and speaking to Brittany)
Hey, Pumpkin! How was your day?

Brittany: (Twirling her hair). Fine. Mom sent me a letter. She wants
me to meet her at Smoggy Ralph's Bistro tonight at 7:30.

Steve: (Who's long exhausted any distaste for his ex-wife) Well, that's
pretty nice of her. You know, I may not be married to her anymore, but
part of me still cares for her. Of course, it helps that she settled for
a lump sum payment instead of monthly alimony payments.

(Ashley-Amber now strolls in. She speaks in a squeaky voice.)

Ashley-Amber: Hi, Studmuffin! (She kisses him.) How was your day?

Steve: Fine. (He gets out a cigar and lights it.) It seems Vivian's up
here for her visit to see the kids.

Ashley-Amber: Oh, her! (Giggles. She's so airheaded she doesn't even
hold any hatred for Steve's ex-wife. She turns to Brittany) I hope you
have a nice time, Brittany.

Brittany: I'm sure I will.

Steve: Ashley-Amber, why did the fireman wear red suspenders?

Ashley-Amber: Why?

Steve: To keep his pants up, that's what! (He laughs.)

Ashley-Amber: (To herself) Time to bone up on the community property
laws again! (6)

Brian: (Who's now pounded the cat into a comatose condition.) Hey,
Brittany, ask Mom if she got laid by any big hunky actors lately!

Brittany: Brian! Mom is not a tramp!

Steve: Just overlook Brian there, Pumpkin! (He goes and playfully rubs
Brian's head.) I don't think Mom's gotten laid in years, son. Her looks
are fading, you know.

Ashley-Amber: And I still got mine! (She giggles as she kisses Steve.)

Brittany: I'd better get ready to go. (She goes in the direction of the


Steve: God, Brittany is lucky to be so young and beautiful. She's going to be just like her
mother someday.

(Ashley-Amber giggles again. Brian takes the comatose cat with him as he

heads up himself.)
Scene 3: The Lane Residence, about 5:30 PM. Background music: the
opening guitar riff of "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" by REM.

(Shot of the exterior, then cut to the kitchen. Daria, Jane, Trent and
Amanda are still here while Helen has now joined them.)

Helen: Now, Amanda, mind you I don't like being pulled from a very big
case like the exploding kitchen sink case against Plumbing Mart, but since
you are the mother of Daria's friends, I'm willing to stick my neck out
for you, for a modest charge, of course.

Daria: Make it "pro bono", Mom. You shouldn't make money off my friends.

Trent: Daria's got a point there, Mrs. M.

Jane: I second that, Helen.

Amanda: I'm making it unanimous.

Helen: Fine! We'll make it "pro bono" then! (Turns to Daria.) Mind
you, Daria, now I'm losing money from this as well as being

Daria: Just think of it as doing your good deed for the millennium, Mom.

Helen: Don't you mean "good deed for the day," Daria?

Daria: Take it from me, Mom, "millennium" applies to you.

(Helen groans.)

Trent: So, anyway, how are we going to handle this case--

(Trent's train of thought is stopped when a taxi cab screeches to a halt.
We hear a car door open, then shut. After a pause to settle the fare,
the cab drives away, and we can hear the front door open. Everyone goes
to the living room. Their faces register shock when they see it's none
other then Penny. Her long hair's been cut to a crew cut, and she's
now wearing a red shirt and kakhi shorts, the twenty years of her
traveling telling on her face.)

Penny: Have I picked a bad time to come home?

(Everyone still has that shocked look on their faces. We now hear that
jeering, teasing version of "La, la, LA, la la" with appropriate jeering,

teasing music in the background as we cut to a widescreen shot of the
scene where Penny, Jacko and Sheila are going down Main Street. The scene
is shown in slow-motion in a blue tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed
over it.)
Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", it'll be an "All-Horror"
card! Our main event will pit Freddy Krueger from "A Nightmare on Elm
Street" against Jason Vhoores from "Friday the 13th"!

(Show a scene of Freddy Krueger and Jason Vhoores fighting.)

Freddy: (Taking a spit pail full of water.) What's the matter, Jason?
Afraid of a little water? (He dumps the pail over Jason's head. Jason
tries to take a swipe at Freddy with a machete.)

Announcer: On the undercard, see Leatherface from "The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre" take on Chuckie from "Child's Play"!

(Show a scene where Leatherface is cutting up Chuckie with his chainsaw.)

Leatherface: Sorry to see you go to pieces there, Chuckie!

Chuckie: Oh, yeah? (He pulls himself together and kicks Leatherface in
the testicles.)

Announcer: Finally, its two horror legends taking it on as Dracula fights
the Frankenstein Monster!

(Show a scene of Dracula and the Frankenstein Monster fighting.)

Dracula: What's the matter, man? Afraid of a little fire? (He takes out
a torch. The Frankenstein monster howls in panic.)

Announcer: That's all happening in our special "All-Horror" edition of

"Celebrity Deathmatch"! Thursday nights at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM
Central, only on MTV!

(Another commercial.)

Announcer: He's more dangerous than Wally George, Rush Limbaugh and G.
Gordon Liddy combined! He's Der Führer Brad Schlitz, leader of the
Upstate Nazi Party!

(Show a shot of Brad Schlitz sitting at a desk with a Nazi flag behind

Schlitz: DUH! I think all my tax money goes to New York City! Sue the
state! Heil me!

(He gives the Nazi salute.)

Announcer: He's the person who keeps giving people like the Rev. Al
Sharpton, the Rev. Jesse Jackson and New York State Comptroller H. Carl
McCall big-time headaches!

Schlitz: All the blacks Downstate cheat the welfare system! Heil me!

(He gives the Nazi salute.)

Announcer: He's so far to the right that even Jesse Helms and Strom
Thurmond can't stand him!

Schlitz: I say let's nuke Downstate! I'm sick and tired of flatlanders
telling me what to do with my land! Heil me!

(He gives the Nazi salute.)

Announcer: Radical terrorist groups have put him on the top of their hit

Schlitz: Chop down every tree in the Adirondack Park! To Hell with what
Earth First! and the Sierra Club want! Shoot the commie greens dead!
Heil me!

(He gives the Nazi salute.)

Announcer: If you've got the IQ of a cucumber, then he's for you! Tune
in to "The Der Führer Brad Schlitz Show"! Sundays at noon, only on
AM 590, WROW, Albany, New York. Warning: This show may be unsuitable for
children, senior citizens, minorities, the poor, liberals, Democrats,
socialists, Communists, environmentalists, feminists, the
disabled, and every other person in this nation. Listener discretion is
Scene 1: The Lane Residence. About a few seconds after the end of Act I.

(Open with a shot of Penny facing everyone else, who's still have shocked

expressions. Penny figures it's time to end the silence.)

Penny: Well, shall I start the conversation, or should you guys?

(Amanda can't help herself; she goes to Penny, hugs her and begins to

Amanda: Penny! I can't believe you're back!

Trent: Penny, you've taken a big chance coming here like you did.

(Amanda now lets go and dries her eyes.)

Penny: Man, you've grown to be a handsome guy there, Trent. (She hugs

Jane: Yo! Don't forget about your kid sister.

Penny: You'd think I forget you, Jane? (She gives her a hug as well.)

Trent: Dad should be home soon. He had some things to take care of at
the office.

Penny: (Turns to Daria) So, you're Jane's friend Daria, aren't you?

Daria: I guess all those wanted posters at the post office paid off.

(Helen scowls at Daria. Penny gives Daria a hug.)

Daria: Uh, I can't breathe!

(Penny lets go.)

Penny: Sorry about that, Daria.

Jane: The other woman here is Daria's mother, Helen. She's a lawyer.

Penny: Well, you know what Shakespeare said, "First, kill all the

(Helen scowls even more fiercely now.)

Penny: Present company excepted, of course.

Helen: Penny, I'm supposed to be helping you in your predicament here.
You could face the chair if the police decide to still pursue this case.

Daria: (Doing her best Beavis impersonation) The chair! The chair!

Helen: Daria!

Daria: Oh, that was just something I picked up back at Highland.

Jane: Besides, I think they use the needle here now.

Penny: (Laughing) You know, this gallows humor's actually cheering me
up. I need a good laugh after twenty years on the run.

Amanda: Speaking of running, have you seen Adrian and Courtney around?
Summer said they ran off again.

Penny: I think they were in Peoria the last I checked.(7)

Trent: You look like you could use a cold one there, Penny. Let me get
you one. You want one too, Janey?

Jane: Sure.

Helen: (In an outrage to Amanda) You'd actually let your youngest
daughter drink beer at her age?

Amanda: You're the lawyer. You should know that the law only covers the

purchase of alcoholic beverages and the consumption thereof at public
drinking establishments. It doesn't cover consumption at one's home
during non-party situations.

(Helen is left speechless. Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers.
Jane smirks as well.)
Scene 2: Lawndale Police Station. About 7:00 PM. Background music: the

opening synthesizer and guitar sequence from "Trip Like I Do" by Filter
with Crystal Method.

(Open with a shot of the exterior, then cut to the squad room. Det. Jones
is now the Chief of Police, Sgt. Starks is now a captain and Lt. Knight is
now a detective. A uniformed officer enters the squad room.)

Officer: Chief, we think we got the big break in the 1979 Lawndale Bank
heist you were looking for!

Chief Jones: Really?

Officer: One of our undercover contacts said he saw Penny Lane come into
town this afternoon. She's changed her looks considerably, but it's her.

Chief Jones: (To Capt. Starks and Det. Knight) Jim, Sarah, feel like
closing the books on this case?

Capt. Starks: Sure, let's put the commie bitch in the one-way gurney for
good this time!

Det. Knight: I'm with him.

Officer: Then, let's get over to the Lane residence.

(They grab their coats and go.)
Scene 3: Smoggy Ralph's Bistro. About 7:30 PM. Background music: the
Opening guitar riff from "Special" by Garbage.

(Open with a shot of Brittany just outside of the diner. As she steps in,
Doug and Charlene Thompson, Kevin Thompson's parents, jog past the diner,

wearing identical gray jogging outfits. [8] They see Brittany enter the

Doug: Say, isn't that that Brittany Taylor girl Kevin goes out with?

Charlene: That tramp's no good for our son.

Doug: From what Kevin's told me about her, she seems OK. Her father's an
ad executive.

Charlene: Who dumped her mother to marry that floozy. It must run in the


Doug: For Christ's sakes, Charlene, give her some benefit of the doubt!

Charlene: Doug Thompson, go choke on your Reeboks! (She smacks him.)

(Cut to the interior of the diner. Brittany goes to a table that's
occupied by a woman with short blonde hair, blue eyes, and is wearing a
pink halter top and matching miniskirt and high heels. It's none other
than Brittany's biological mother Vivian. [9] Brittany takes the seat
opposite of her across the table.)

Vivian: Hello, Brittany.

Brittany: Hi, Mom! You came up on such short notice.

Vivian: I really didn't have much choice in the matter.

Brittany: What's up, anyway? (Twirls her finger around her hair and
begins to stare into space.)

Vivian: Brittany, you're old enough to know about these things. About a
year ago, I went in for my annual examination. The doctor took the usual

battery of tests. When he checked the results of my Pap smear, he found
out that I had cervical cancer.

Brittany: (Snaps out of it.) Huh?

Vivian: They put me on chemotherapy, which of course has done its number
on me. (She now goes to her head, and removes what is obviously a wig.
She's now bald.) After I was done, they did another examination. The
chemo didn't help. The cancer's spread to other parts of my body. It's

inoperable. The doctor said I've only got about six months at the
most. Brittany, what I'm telling you is, I'm dying.

(Brittany's eyes shoot wide open.)

Brittany: You're kidding, right? You're not trying to chisel Dad out of
more money, are you?

Vivian: (Grabbing Brittany by the wrists so she can get her attention)

Brittany Ann Taylor, I'm not joking about this! (10) (She begins to get
upset.) I'm dying, and you're the only one left in my life who gives a
damn about me! Your father doesn't care! Your brother doesn't care!
That floozy you call a stepmother doesn't care! That dumb pug you call a

boyfriend sure as Hell doesn't care! You think I can cover the medical
bills with the restaurant hostess job I had? Those bums don't even have
medical insurance! I had to quit my job and sell my car, my house, almost
everything I had so I could go on Medicaid! Even with that, I have to
make co-payments! I'm just scraping by here, Brittany! And for
what? Six more months of life? And after I die, I still have some bills
to pay that date back from before I qualified for public assistance!
You're the only one who gives a damn about me anymore, and you're sure as
Hell going to listen to me, young lady! What I'm trying to say to you is
not to make the same mistakes I made in my life. I got into the
acting and modeling businesses because I wanted to have it easy. Let me
tell you, it's not easy. Hollywood, New York, Paris, Milan--those places
eat people like me up, spit us out and just doesn't give a damn if you
feel any pain. I'm in a lot of pain these days, and do any of my old
friends from the runways or studios care? No! They don't really care in
the entertainment world, Brittany. Learn that before it's too late!

Brittany: (Who's been squirming in her mother's grasp all this time.)
Mom! Let go! You're hurting me!

Vivian: Not as much as I'm hurting deep inside. Brittany, you're the
only one I can trust nowadays. I don't want to spend the next six months
in misery. I want to end it all.

Brittany: (Now getting teary-eyed) What-what do you mean?

Vivian: I'm going to kill myself, Brittany, and you're going to be my
witness. (Brittany drops her jaw in shock.) I know, you're going to
say, "Don't do it, Mom!" But I've thought this out very carefully. I'm
going to go to the Big Strawberry (11) and drink some hemlock a fellow
member of the Hemlock Society got for me. Socrates was put to
death by drinking hemlock himself. (12) It will be painless. Brittany,
if you ever loved me, you'll join me on this.

Brittany: But, Mom, if you do love me, you'll won't carry this out!
(She begins to cry.)

Vivian: (Now reaching across the table and hugging Brittany.) Honey, I'm

only doing what I think is best not just for me, but for all of us. Please,
let's have a last meal for me worthy of a burned-out Hollywood starlet!

(They continue to hug.)
Scene 4: The Lane Residence. About roughly the same time. Background
music: the opening bars of "5 to 1" by The Doors.

(Daria, Helen, Amanda, Jane, Trent and Penny are still in the living room.

They're going over Penny's case.)

Helen: Now, Penny, you're going to have to be truthful in your answers to
me on this matter. Now, you did go straight home after you confronted
your friends about the plans for the robbery?

Penny: Yes, I did, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Helen: And after you spoke with your mother you headed straight to your
room and stayed there for a few hours?

Penny: Yes I did.

Helen: You didn't leave it for any reason.

Penny: No.

Helen: For what it's worth, and with Jane's permission, I want to just
see what's in her--that is--Penny's room.

Jane: Just watch out for the big plastic rat protecting Mom and Dad's
"Do Not Resuscitate" orders when you look underneath my bed. (13)

(Helen cringes.)

Daria: Trust me, Mom, it is just a plastic rat. (She and Helen go up
the stairs.) Why do you want to go there anyway?

Helen: (As they reach Jane's room and open the door.) Penny may have
left some personal items of hers in here that may be of some use to us.
(She looks beneath the bed and sees all the junk beneath there--the

aforementioned rat and medical orders, a leaky tube of oil paint, an
autographed picture of Willem de Kooning, a voodoo doll with pins, a
collection of "Fetal Metal" CD's, a small plane propeller, some
sugar-coated licorice candies, some unopened paint-by-numbers kits and an
old retainer. "Manic Depression" by Jimi Hendrix begins to play and
continues through the sequence.) UGH! Look at this! And she uses cinder

blocks to prop up her bed! Does her mother know about this?

Daria: She encourages it; it keeps furniture expenses down.

(Helen scowls big time.)

(Helen is now seen looking beneath paintings, rummaging through closets,
turning over the covers of Jane's bed, trying to find something. Suddenly,
when she steps on the floor, she hears something hollow. She removes the
rug from beneath there and finds a little trap door. She opens it and
finds a diary there. It says on the cover, "PROPERTY OF PENNY

Helen: A-ha!

(Cut back to the living room. Helen shows the diary to Penny.)

Helen: Penny, do you remember this? (She takes a look at it.)

Penny: Hey! My 1979 diary! I must have forgotten it!

Jane: Where did you find that, Helen?

Helen: It was beneath a trap door in your room.

Jane: Trap door?

Amanda: I'm surprised you didn't know that, Jane. We think the previous

owner's grandfather kept a small flask of moonshine there and drank it
when no one was looking.

Helen: Is there anything in there that could help clear your name in

(Penny opens the diary up and begins to read it.)

Penny: Man, I had a lot of high hopes for myself when I graduated from
high school. I didn't expect that I would wind up on the lam.

Daria: Funny how life gives you a rotten hand just when you're ahead of
the game.

Penny: My thoughts exactly.

(Helen just scowls a look that seems to say "God, is everyone in this
family like this?")

(Suddenly, the doorbell rings.)

Jane: I'll just see who it is. (She goes to the door and opens it. It's
Chief Jones, Captain Starks and Det. Knight. She slams the door shut and
does her best cartoon imitation) CHEESE IT! THE COPS!

(The whole room is in panic as Penny runs for the back. Chief Jones
begins to ram down the door. The door is knocked down as the three cops

Jones: This is the police! Nobody move!

Daria: I'm afraid it's a bit too late for that.

Jones: Don't get fresh with me, young lady, unless you want to be
arrested for hindering an official police investigation.

Knight: Where's Penny Lane?

Daria: She went crazy; want to join her?

Jones: (To Starks.) Book her, Danno!

Starks: My name isn't Danno!

Jones: I always wanted to say that.

(Starks slaps some handcuffs on Daria and gives her the usual Miranda
rights spiel.)

Helen: Daria, what am I going to do with you?

Daria: Represent me at my trial? (Starks takes her away. Helen scowls
really fierce.)
Scene 5: Downtown Lawndale. About 9:00 PM. Background music: the
opening acoustic guitar riffs from "What It's Like" from Everlast.

(Penny's been on the run for some time now. She bumps into Monique, the
woman Trent knows from "Pierce Me".)

Penny: OOPS! Sorry!

Monique: Are you all right?

Penny: I'm kind of on the run from the law right now.

Monique: In this part of town, who isn't?

Penny: Who are you, anyway?

Monique: I'm Monique.

Penny: I'm Penny Lane?

Monique: Trent's big sister, right?

Penny: How'd you know?

Monique: Trent's told me about you.

Penny: The cops think I knocked over the bank twenty years ago, but I
didn't. If I can find something in my old diary here (she takes it out;
she hung onto it when she fled the cops), I can clear this whole thing up.

Monique: Hang out with me for a while; I'll try to keep the fuzz off your

Penny: Sure. By the way, could you just call my folks and let them know
I'm OK?

Monique: Sure. Just follow me.

(Penny and Monique head toward Monique's place.)
Scene 6: A medical laboratory in Hollywood. About the same time.
Background music: the opening guitar riff from "Hand Slide" from Push

(A doctor is examining two slides; one is marked "PAP SMEAR FOR VIVIAN
TAYLOR"; the other is marked "PAP SMEAR FOR VICTORIA TYLOR". The doctor
does a double take and then motions an assistant over.)

Doctor: Did you do the analysis for the Taylor Pap smear?

Assistant: Yeah. What's up?

Doctor: According to this, Taylor's cervical cancer is in total
remission; it's Tylor's that hasn't improved.

Assistant: I thought it was Taylor's that wasn't improving.

Doctor: Jesus Christ, are you saying you mixed up the slides and gave the
wrong news to Taylor?

Assistant: It's a possibility. How are we going to contact her, though? She mentioned something about going to Lawndale.

Doctor: Wasn't Dr. Davidson her doctor there? (14)

Assistant: Yeah, he was.

Doctor: Get a hold of him and tell him what's happened.

Assistant: I'll do that right away. (He goes to the phone.)

Doctor: Good God! I hope this news comes in time to prevent Taylor from
doing something drastic to herself!

(That hard-driving guitar sequence that ended the second segment of "The
Daria Hunter" episode can be heard as we see a widescreen shot of Vivian
taking off her wig in slow-motion and in a blue tint, with the "Daria"
logo superimposed over it.)

("Fly Like an Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band can be heard as we see the
USPS logo and the caption "FACT # 17: Not-So-Reliable Second-Day

Announcer: If you want to really screw up sending your crucial documents
and packages in two to three days, choose Priority Mail from your postal

service. We say it'll get there in two to three days, but odds are it'll
take a month. And since we don't guarantee it like we do with our equally
slow Express Mail, you can't get your money back or sue us. Not only
that, we jacked up the rates again, starting at $3.20. Besides, someone's
gotta pay those royalties to Steve Miller for letting us use his song as
our new jingle, and guess who's stuck with the tab? So, what's your

Steve Miller: I want to fly like an eagle,/Into the future!

Announcer: This message paid for with your tax dollars by the United
States Postal Service. We Deliver For You. YEAH, RIGHT!

(Another commercial. "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" begins to play as we
see rather pitiful highlights of the 1998 season for the Adirondack
Lumberjacks, a semi-pro baseball team from Glens Falls, New York who
belong to the Northeast League.)

Announcer: Get your 1999 Adirondack Lumberjacks season tickets now! This
year, the Jacks and the rest of the Northeast League are joining with one
of the premiere leagues in independent baseball, the Northern League!
And with a new team coming in from Québec City, it'll mean more big-city
teams putting the squeeze on small-market teams like ours, which means
that we'll have to move to keep our profit margins up! Heck, if the
Adirondack Red Wings carry out their threat to move out, we'll join them
and save on the air fare! So, get 'em while we're still here! The
Adirondack Lumberjacks--trying in vain to keep baseball a hometown sport!

(Captions on display show season ticket prices, the location of the East
Field Stadium Box office, and a number to charge tickets by phone.)
Scene 1: Lawndale Jail. (15) About 10:00 PM.

(Open with a shot of the exterior of the jail, then cut to the cell where
Daria is being held. She's wearing one of those light blue smocks often
worn by female prisoners. She can be seen reading Sylvia Plath's "The
Bell Jar". We now see Helen, Amanda, Jane, Trent and a guard approach the
cell. The guard opens the cell door, and he and the others step in.)

Daria: Oh, did the governor decide to grant me a stay of execution?

Helen: Daria, I will not tolerate your sarcasm right now. I've just
spoken to Chief Jones, and I've convinced him that it was all just a big

misunderstanding. You're free to go.

Daria: Rats, there goes my plans to tunnel out of here.

(The guard flashes Daria a hostile look.)

Guard: Just collect your civvies and get the Hell out of here, you

(Daria flashes a hostile look back at him; the guard cringes a little.)

Daria: OK, Mom, what's the catch?

Helen: You WILL co-operate in the investigation, Daria, or I will wrap my
hands around your neck!

Daria: I think I'd rather take my chances with lethal injection.

(Helen scowls yet again!)

Amanda: I wonder where Penny could have gone to?

Trent: Don't worry, Mom; if I know her, she's probably with one of her
old friends.
Scene 2: Monique's apartment. Background music: the opening piano bars
of "Volunteers of America" by Jefferson Airplane.

(Monique and Penny step inside the apartment. Penny then does a double
take when she notices none other than Jacko and Sheila are also in here.

Jacko's now shaved bald and is wearing African-looking clothes while
Sheila is wearing a Mao uniform.)

Penny: Jacko? Sheila? Is that really you?

Jacko: In the flesh, Pen-lady! (He goes up and embraces her.)

Sheila: It's been a long time!

Penny: Where have you two been?

Jacko: I've been lying low in Africa. Joined the ANC (16) in South
Africa and got into a few scrapes against the former white minority
government there. Now that Mandela's taken over, he's decided to embrace

capitalism. Don't believe all those reports about them going socialist;
it's more like it was in the 1960's here during the civil rights movement.
Give the people more rights and more opportunities while keeping the
capitalist system intact.

Sheila: I hung out at Mainland China. After they decided to embrace

capitalistic reforms there, it wasn't much fun anymore. I took a hike
after the Tiennamen Square debacle and went to Vietnam. But now those
guys are embracing capitalism and getting cozy with us.

Penny: Is it me or have we gotten really disillusioned about the
International Revolution?

Jacko: When the Big G began his "glasnost" thing, it was the beginning of
the end.

Sheila: God, there's hundreds of McDonald's in Russia now!

Penny: So, tell me, did you two pull off the heist, and if you did, who
was the third person?

Jacko: To tell you the truth, Penny, we didn't.

Sheila: After you left, we had a meeting with the secretariat, and we
decided that robbing the bank wasn't in our best interest. We decided to
hold a bake sale instead.

Penny: (Grabbing her diary) Yeah, now I remember. I have it here in my
diary. It was the last meeting before the planned heist. We were kicking

around some ideas, and that was one of them.

Jacko: Of course, we never knew how well we did.

Monique: We pulled in $1500.

(Penny, Jacko and Monique are amazed.)

Penny: How do you know?

Monique: My Mom's a member.

Jacko: No wonder she took us all in. Thanks a lot, fellow traveler.

Penny: So, if it wasn't us, who was it then?

Monique: Mom's had a hunch for years that it was a group that is
diametrically opposed to everything we stand for. You guys ever heard of
the Lawndale Militia? (17)

Penny: I heard reports overseas about them taking over Lawndale during
the same tine that militarist group in Japan was bombing Tokyo with that

experimental jet fighter.(18)

Jacko: Monique, get a hold of your mother and get some names. We're
going to get to the bottom of this once and for all!

(Monique goes to the phone and dials. There are a few rings.)

Voice on the phone: Hello?

Monique: Mom, it's Monique. Remember you were telling me about how you
thought it was the Lawndale Militia that was behind the bank robbery back
at '79? I've got a few guys here who want to talk to you about it.
Scene 3: Dr. Davidson's office, Lawndale Medical Arts Center. About
10:15 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs of "People of the
Sun" by Rage Against the Machine.

(Dr. Davidson has been pulling an all-nighter trying to complete some
tests. The phone rings and he answers it.)

Dr. Davidson: Hello?

Voice on the phone: Hello, this is Hollywood Medical Associates. Is
this Dr. Davidson?

Dr. Davidson: Yes.

Voice on the phone: Were you at one time Vivian Taylor's doctor?

Dr. Davidson: Yes, I was. Why do you ask?

Voice on the phone: This is a matter of life and death. You've got to
find her and tell her that her tests revealed her cancer's in remission.
Can you do that?

Dr. Davidson: But she isn't here anymore.

Voice on the phone: She was supposed to be in Lawndale to visit her
oldest daughter Brittany. Try calling her ex-husband, Steve Taylor.

Dr. Davidson: He's still one of my clients. I'll try him. Thanks for
bringing this to my attention. (He hangs up the phone and dials the
number for the Taylor residence. The phone is picked up by Steve. Split
screen showing Steve on the left and Dr. Davidson on the right.)

Steve: Hello, Taylor residence. How may I help you?

Dr. Davidson: Mr. Taylor, this is Dr. Davidson. Do you know where your

daughter Brittany was supposed to be meeting your ex-wife?

Steve: They were going to meet at Smoggy Ralph's Bistro. Kind of a
crummy place to eat, I must say. Wish she had gone to Chez Pierre like
we used to; that Quinn Morgendorffer girl Brittany knows could have gotten
them good seats. From what I heard it's the kind of place Quinn's sister
Daria (19) and her friend Jane Lane would hang out at if they didn't go to
that God-awful pizza place all the time. Why you want to know anyway?

Dr. Davidson: I've got some news that could save her life. Thanks.
(He hangs up.)

Steve: Things are going kind of crazy here as of late; must be something
in the water. I certainly hope it's not uranium like I heard that
Highland town got. (20)
Scene 4: Smoggy Ralph's Bistro. About 10:20 PM. Background Music: the

opening bars of "You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight" by the Big
Bad Voodoo Daddies.

(The remains of dinner are scattered about the table. Brittany and Vivian
pat their full stomachs.)

Brittany: Man, I'm going to have to go on a diet after this!

Vivian: At least I won't have to worry about it.

Brittany: You wanted a last supper to be proud of, Mom, you certainly got

Vivian: Brittany, I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh on you earlier. What I
was trying to tell you was that I don't want you winding up like me. Your
looks aren't going to last, you know. When you've lost your looks and you
don't have anything else, life's going to become very bleak for you. I
don't want you to go through what I went through. When you graduate from
high school, I want you to go to college, get a decent education get a
good job. Something that doesn't depend on your good looks. I want you
to be someone better than I was myself. Do you understand that?

Brittany: (Twirling her hair around her finger again.) HMMM, I think so,

Vivian: Good. (She goes for her purse and gets out a credit card.) I'll
take care of the check.

Brittany: Sure. I'm just going to call home and let Dad know that I'm
OK. (She gets up. Pan right a few tables down. We notice that Sandi
Griffin's been here all along. She smirks to herself. She goes up and
goes to the phone next to the one Brittany's using. She puts in her
quarter and dials Tiffany's number.)

Sandi: Tiffany? It's Sandi. I've just heard the most wicked rumor that

Brittany Taylor's mother is going to pull the plug on herself! Spread the
word! Bye! (She hangs up. Brittany is dialing Kevin's number. Split
screen to show Kevin answering the phone.)

Kevin: Hello?

Brittany: Kevvy, I'm in big trouble! My real mother's here and she says
she's going to kill herself. Get to the Big Strawberry right away!

Kevin: Your Mom's going to kill herself? That's bad, right?

Brittany: (Screaming.) Of course it's BAD! Just get down there NOW!

Kevin: Don't go postal on me, Babe! (He hangs up. Full screen now,
showing Doug and Charlene sitting on the sofa next to Kevin.) Mom! Dad!
I've got to meet Brittany down at the Big Strawberry!

Charlene: Always going out with that young hussy! Can't you go out with
that nice, quiet Daria Morgendorffer girl I keep hearing about?

(Kevin grits his teeth to himself.)

Doug: Give the boy a break, Charlene! After all, my folks thought you
were a tramp!

(Charlene realizes Doug has her there, and drops the subject as Kevin runs
Scene 5: The Morgendorffer house, 1111 Glen Oaks Land, Lawndale. About
10:30 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Hold Me,
Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" by U2.

(Jake is watching "Sick, Sad World" on TV. The phone rings, and Quinn
answers it.)

Quinn: Hello? Hi, Stacy! What's up? Huh? You're kidding! No way!
OK, don't panic. I'll get Dad to drive me there as soon as possible.
Thanks! Bye! (She hangs up.)

SSW Announcer: (As we see an image of Elvis Presley, Eton Patz and Sara
Ann Wood at an E-Z-Mart on the TV.) Have famous missing persons been

congregating at this convenience store? We'll tell you when "Sick, Sad
World" returns!

Jake: I knew it! I knew Elvis faked his own death!

Quinn: Dad! It's an emergency!

Jake: Let me guess, one of the Fashion Club members got a broken nail!

Quinn: It's even worse than that, Dad!

Jake: (Picking up a newspaper.) I bet it's nothing the old Dadster can't
help you out, could it?

Quinn: (Pulling the paper from Jake.) Dad! Brittany Taylor's real
mother's going to kill herself at the Big Strawberry! Mom's right! You
are oblivious to everything!

Jake: (Stun by that remark.) Brittany's real mother's going to kill
herself! Where did you hear that?

Quinn: Well, Sandi saw them at Smoggy Ralph's Bistro, and she called
Tiffany, who called Jodie, who called Jeffy, who called, Jamie, who called
Joey, who called Mack, who called Andrea, who called Jesse Moreno, who
called his cousin Joshua, who called Stacy, who called me.

Jake: Man, this is serious! (Grabbing his coat.) To the

(Cut now to Jake's car starting, and we see flames shooting out of the
exhaust. The car peels out of the driveway. All along, the theme from
the 1960's "Batman" TV series plays.)
Scene 6: Main Street, Lawndale. Background music: "Keep Hope Alive" by

Crystal Method.

(Daria and Helen are riding around in Helen's car, while Trent, Jane and
Amanda are riding around in Trent's blue Plymouth Valiant.)

Helen: (To Daria) Where could have Penny have gone to?

Daria: Who knows, Mom.

(Cut to the Lanes' car. Trent notices a Lawndale Police car parked in
front of Monique's apartment building.)

Trent: Uh, oh, I think the fuzz's leaning on Monique.

Jane: I think it's time to spring to action.
Scene 7: Back at Monique's apartment.

(Monique sees the cops parked outside. Her mother, Heather, is with her
and the others now. Heather is blonde with brown eyes and is wearing a
yellow A-shirt and an orange floor-length muslin skirt.)

Heather: Here come the cops.

Penny: Now what will we do?

Monique: Just leave it up to me. Mom's placed a few phone calls with
some other people, and if everything falls into place, we'll have this all

wrapped up.

(The doorbell rings.)

Heather: I'll get it.

(She gets up, and three people--a man and two women--enter. The man is
Paul Bolton, who has balding gray hair and is portly. The first woman is
Ann Smith, who had graying red hair. The other woman is Sally Norwood,
who has graying blonde hair. All three are wearing business suits--Paul's
gray, Ann's brown and Sally's dark green.)

Paul: So, you got the goods on us now, do you?

Ann: How'd you figure that it was us?

Sally: Yeah, how?

Heather: I just put two and two together and came up with the answer.

(Paul produces a briefcase with the money.)

Paul: We've got the whole loot here. We'll give you fifty percent to you
guys if you promise to keep quiet about it.

Monique: And how do we know you'll won't double cross us by killing us
later on?

Penny: Yeah, how do we know?

Sally: Just trust us.

(Paul dishes out half the money onto the table.)

Paul: I hope this satisfies you.

Penny: Sure does.

(Suddenly, Paul, Ann and Sally whip out guns.)

Paul: Good! Now we're going to blow your brains out!

(Suddenly, the doors burst open. Chief Jones, Capt. Starks and Det.
Knight rush in.)


(Just as sudden, Daria, Jane, Trent and Helen rush in. Paul, Ann and
Sally drop their weapons.)

Daria: You're not going to arrest anyone until we've settled some loose
ends here!

Heather: You've taken the words out of my mouth.

Helen: Who are these people?

Penny: (Pointing to each person.) Those are my friends Jacko and Sheila;

that's Monique, Trent's friend, and her mother Heather; and these are
Lawndale Militia operatives Paul Bolton, Ann Smith and Sally Norwood.

Trent: Cool.

(Daria scowls a bit at Monique, after all, Trent had kissed her on
"Pierce Me".)

Monique: (Sensing what Daria's feeling) Daria, let me just clear
something up before we begin. Trent and I are just friends. In fact,
Tren't been telling me how crazy he is for you.

(Daria breaks into that Mona Lisa smile of her.)

Heather: Anyway, Penny's diary here (She holds it up.) gave us the break
we needed. (She opens it up and scans it.) It seems that a month or two
before we were going to pull the heist, we got four new members. What we
didn't know at the time was that three of them were with the Lawndale
Militia while the fourth was a police mole. However, we had our own moles
in both organizations. When we got word that the Lawndale Militia was
going to knock over the bank themselves and frame us, we were going to
warn Penny, Jacko and Sheila, but by that time, the Militia had pulled
their own heist, with the three moles they had put into our organization
pulling it off. And guess who those three were?

Daria: Those three. (Pointing at Paul, Ann and Sally.)

Monique: Bingo!

Paul: And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you
meddling kids!

(Daria looks at Trent, then to herself.)

Daria: Do they think we're Velma and Shaggy, Trent?

Trent: Could be.

Heather: (Handing the diary to Jones.) Most of the evidence is here. We

can give you more if you wish.

Jones: (To Starks.) Book 'em, Danno!

(Starks groans again at being called that as he slaps the cuffs on the
three Militia members and Miranda-izes them.)

Penny: (To Monique.) I can't thank you and your mother enough.

Daria: Well, Mom wasn't too much help.

(Helen scowls yet again!)

(Penny goes up to Trent, Jane and Amanda; they engage in a group hug.)

Daria: If this wasn't so twisted, I could say that this a rather
sentimental moment.

(A walkie-talkie on Starks crackles to life.)

Voice on walkie-talkie: Attention all unit! Please go to the Big
Strawberry! We've got a report of a suicide attempt about to happen.

Jane: Don't tell me it's that unemployed midget actor trying to jump off
the top of it again!

Jones: Let's hustle, people!
Scene 8: The Big Strawberry. About 11:00 PM.

(Brittany's car pulls up. Cut to Brittany and Vivian in front.)

Brittany: Well, here we are, Mom.

Vivian: Believe it or not, it's here that your father proposed to me. It
was such a romantic moment. I want to end my life right here. (She now
takes out two objects from her purse. The first is a CD of "Time to Say
Good-Bye" by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Boccelli. The other is a bottle
filled with hemlock. She puts the CD in the player and hits the "PLAY"
button. The song begins to play.) Brittany, after the hemlock takes
effect, I want you to take me to the hospital. Tell them what happened.
(She takes out some papers.) Here are some legal papers of mine: my
will, an account I managed to hide from Social Services, and some other
various items. (Brittany beginns to cry.) Brittany, I want you to be
happy for me. I'm going to end my suffering on my own terms. (She kisses
Brittany softly, then wipes her tears away.)

(Cut to Dr. Davidson riding in his car.)

Dr. Davidson: Thank God the waitress at Smoggy Ralph's Bistro told me
about Vivian's plans to go to the Big Strawberry. I hope I'm not too
late. (Suddenly, he sees several other cars driving in his direction.)
Man, news sure travels fast here!

(Cut back to Brittany's car.)

Vivian: Well, this is it. (She takes the bottle and begins to open it.

Suddenly, a squeal of tires can be heard. It's Kevin in his Jeep. [21]
He leaps out of it and runs for Brittany's car. Several other cars now
pull up.)

Kevin: Former Mrs. Taylor! Don't!

(Vivian is about to raise the bottle to her lips when Kevin snatches it
from her. He tosses it aside, and it breaks, spilling the contents all
over the ground.)

Vivian: (Slapping Kevin across the face.) You moron! Do you know what
you just did!

Kevin: Trying to save your life!

Brittany: Kevin! My knight in shining armor!

(Vivian now breaks down and cries. Dr. Davidson now goes up to her.)

Dr. Davidson: Mrs. Taylor? It's me, Dr. Davidson, your old doctor!

Vivian: Go away! Just go away!

Dr. Davidson: Mrs. Taylor, what I've got to tell you is extremely

Vivian: What?

Dr. Davidson: The lab that did the results on your test back in Hollywood
got yours mixed with another persons. Your cancer is in remission!
You're getting better!

Vivian: Are you sure?

Dr. Davidson: I haven't been this sure in my whole life!

(Vivian begins to cry afresh and hugs Brittany. Daria and Jane go to the
place where the bottle landed. Daria sniffs the area and notices the
smell of hemlock.)

Daria: Hemlock, just like Socrates took.

(Dr. Davidson notices Daria.)

Dr. Davidson: Ah, Daria. How is that rash?

Daria: It's gone.

Dr. Davidson: Thank God I arrived in time.

(Helen, Quinn and Jake now arrive.)

Jake: (To Daria) Hey, kiddo! Is everything OK?

Daria: Considering I got mixed up with some fugitives from justice, I'm
fine. If you don't mind, I'm going to go see if Brittany and her mother
are OK. (She goes to them.) Everything OK here?

Brittany: Yes, Daria.

Vivian: I'm going to live! I'm going to live! (She cries.)

Daria: Mrs. Taylor, what will you do now that you've got a new lease on

Vivian: I'm going to do what I really wanted to do. I'm going to go to
night school, get my degree and get a good job.

Daria: Sure. Works for me.
Scene 9: Lawndale International Airport. About 10:00 AM on Saturday.

(Vivian and Penny are seen getting ready to go on separate flights.
Daria, Jake, Helen, Quinn, Jane, Trent, Amanda, Brittany, Kevin, Monique,
Jacko, Sheila, Chief Jones, Capt. Starks and Det. Knight are with them.)

Amanda: Are you sure you don't want to stay here now that your name's
been cleared?

Penny: Mom, I've been on the road since I graduated from high school.
I've gotten to that point where I'm pretty much set in my ways. But don't

worry, I will visit you a lot more often now.

Jacko: For what it's worth, Sheila and I are staying here; in fact,
we're gonna get married.

Daria: Funny how love blossoms in the weirdest situations.

Chief Jones: For what it's worth, we think we can nail those guys who did
rob the bank and send them up the river for the rest of their lives.

Penny: Well, I've never been one for long good-byes, so, so long! (She
hugs Amanda, Jane, Trent, Daria, Helen, Quinn, and the others.) Mom, tell
Dad I'm sorry he didn't get a chance to see me!

Amanda: Well, his plane back from Mali did get delayed by that leftist
group seizing the airport. But he'll be OK.

Penny: So long! (She goes.)

Vivian: I'd better be going myself. (To Brittany an Kevin.) Brittany,

remember what I told you, and Kevin, I want you to treat my daughter like
she's someone, not like a sex object!

Kevin: Sure, former Mrs. Taylor.

Vivian: Take care of yourselves, OK?

Daria: Most of us will, anyway.

Vivian: Farewell. (She goes.)

Brittany: Oh, Kevvy, I feel so happy! (She liplocks with Kevin.)

Daria: (To Jane.) I knew that wouldn't last.
Scene 10: The hallway at Lawndale High School. About 11:00 AM Monday.

(Daria, Jane and Quinn head down the hallway.)

Daria: So, Quinn, how did you know about Brittany's biological mother was
about to kill herself?

Quinn: Well, I have my sources, but they're reluctant to step forward.

Jane: Methinks it was Sandi and the other members of the Fashion Club.

(And, speak of the Devil, the Fashion Club walks by.)

Sandi: Oh, there's Quinn with her weirdo sister Daria and her equally
bizarre friend Jane!

Tiffany: They are soooooo weird.

Stacy: I don't know; I think they're OK.

(Sandi and Tiffany scowl at Stacy.)

Daria: So, Sandi, how does it feel to be a lifesaver?

Sandi: I was no where near that diner, Daria!

Daria: Then how come Brittany herself said she just happened to notice
you at the phone booth next to her?

(Sandi is left speechless.)

Tiffany: Uh, Quinn, let's get out of here.

(Sandi joins the other members of the Fashion Club as they leave.)

Jane: Well, Penny's now at the Central African Republic. She thinks they
have an opening for a teacher there.

Daria: Well, the dame of the road is back to her wandering ways,
Brittany's real mother is getting her life back together, and we can all
get back to normal now. (She gets a copy of Plato's "The Last Days of
Socrates" and begins to read it.)

Jane: I thought you were reading "The Bell Jar"?

Daria: Well, I was, but I thought reading this would help me get a better

understanding of what people think of death.

Jane: If it isn't about a story written by someone who kills herself,
it's a narrative about a guy who's ordered by the state to kill himself.
Daria, you've got to lighten up once in a while.

Daria: Well, there are fates worse than death. . .

(At that moment, they are passing by Janet Barch's science class. Cut to
Ms. Barch making Mack scrub the sinks of the lab area out.)

Ms. Barch: That'll teach you to fail your lab practical, you man!

Mack: Man, this sucks!

Jane: Yeah, like being a guy and being tortured by Ms. Barch.

Daria: Heaven help that!

(Now we see Angela Li, the principal, run a hand metal detector over

Upchuck: I assure you, Ms. Li, I don't have any issues of "Playboy" on
me! ROWR! You are such a feisty woman!

Ms. Li: I'm not after your stupid magazines, Mr. Ruttheimer, I want to
know if you're smuggling Ben Wa balls like some girls said they saw you
with, you pervert!

Jane: Or being humiliated by Ms. Li's strip searches.

Daria: Score one for you again, Lane!

Jane: Shall I go on?

(They now pass Anthony DeMartino's class. We hear him scream in agony,
perhaps having heard another moronic question being posed to him.)

Daria: Let's give it a rest.

Jane: "Crito, we ought to offer a cock to Asclepius. See to it, and
don't forget." (22)

Daria: I'm afraid that's Andrea's department there, Jane. (She smirks to
Jane, who then smirks back.)

(The opening guitar riff from "What's This Life For?" by Creed can be
heard as the closing credits roll. Makeovers include Andrea as Billie
Jean King; Brittany as Hello Nurse from "Animaniacs"; Helen as Emma Peel
from "The Avengers"; Sandi as Devil Hunter Yohko; Daria as Rally Vincent
from "Gunsmith Cats"; Jake as Arnold Horshack from "Welcome Back, Kotter",
Ms. Li as the Borg Queen from "Star Trek: First Contact" and Kevin as
Sgt. Joe Friday from "Dragnet". The "Daria" logo can be seen as the
credits fade. Cut to a scene where sweaty hands are seen over a gray
piece of metal as an ominous timpani drumroll can be heard throughout the

sequence; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is
holding a large sledgehammer with a black head and a yellow handle.
The hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time.
However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing
it to swell and redden. The person drops the hammer and die, and turns
around; we see it's the author of the story, a guy with brown curly hair,
blue eyes and glasses. His face contorts in pain and he screams "OUCH! I
HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" He walks away, and we see that a red
computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the
metal. White Roman lettering above it says "MARK", while white Roman
lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and a last row of white Roman
lettering below that says "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.)

(1) Trent hinted that the reason why Penny left the country was due to a
run-in with the law in "Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Don Peter

(2) It was revealed in the "Daria" episode "See Jane Run" that Jane was
not doing too well in math.--Peter Guerin (who actually got about an "A-"

average in math in his high school days and had the same math teacher as
his mother).

(3) In The Daria Diaries, Penny hints at her contempt for capitalism in
one of her postcards; I'm assuming here that she must be a communist or
at least a socialist.--Comrade Peter.

(4) APB = "All Points Bulletin" in police lingo.--Trooper Peter, NYSP
(who's grandfather was a New York State Trooper who was killed in the line
of duty in 1962).

(5) Smoggy Ralph's Bistro was first mentioned in "Triumph of the
'Retart'".--Maitre'd Peter.

(6) All the information about the Taylors in this scene was taken from
"The Daria Database".--All-knowing Peter.

(7) Once again, a bit of a nod to C. E. Forman's hometown.--Showman Peter
(who didn't play well there).

(8) The information about Kevin's parents once again comes from "The Daria

Database".--Encyclopedic Peter.

(9) This description of Vivian was taken from the picture of her in "The
Daria Database".--Photogenic Peter.

(10) I made up "Ann" for Brittany's middle name like I made up "Louise"
for Quinn in "The Dinner Date From Hell" and C. E. Forman made up "Marie"
for Daria's name in "To Helen Back".--Peter the Man.

(11) The Big Strawberry is Lawndale's best known landmark and is mentioned
in "The Daria Diaries".--Monumental Peter.

(12) For details on how Socrates was put to death, read the "Phaedo"
chapter of Plato's "The Last Days of Socrates" (Translated by Hugh
Tredennick) (New York: Penguin Books, 1954).--Morbid Peter.

(13) Another bit lifted from The Daria Database.--Peter the Orkin Man.

(14) Dr. Davidson was the one who examined Daria in the "Ill"
episode.--Peter Guerin (who's not a doctor and doesn't even play one on

(15) I first mention about the Lawndale Jail in "Triumph of the
'Retart'".--Warden Peter.

(16) ANC = African National Congress, the formerly banned
anti-Apartheid party now ruling South Africa; President Nelson Mandela
heads that party.--Peter Biko.

(17) This group is featured in The Lawndale Militia Trilogy, consisting of

"Misery Senshi", "Return of the Lawndale Militia", and the upcoming
"Lawndale Militia III: The Final Conflict".--Peter the Watcher.

(18) For all the details, read "Misery Senshi."--Shameless Plug Peter.

(19) In case you came in late, Sandi found out the truth about Daria and
Quinn's exact relationship in "The Dinner Date from Hell".
--Chef Boy-R-Pete.

(20) That goes back all the way to the very first "Daria" episode
"Esteemers".--Health Inspector Peter.

(21) In "The Daria Database", one of the pictures in Daria's
photojournalistic essay shows that Kevin drives a Jeep.--Speed Racer

(22) This is an actual quote from "The Last Days of Socrates" (page 183).

Asclepius was the Greek god of healing, and a cock was offered whenever
one sought a cure from him. Socrates was saying in his last words that
death was the cure for life.
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