"Thank You, Drive Through"
By aphrael


Jane: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you have got THE coolest room.

Daria: yeah, the padding muffles the sound when I throw Quinn against it.

*jane smirks*

Jane: So where is Princess Grace? I miss the sound of her trying to think.

Daria: Don’t we all. She’s out shopping. *deadpan* Again.

Jane: Exactly how much does she spend on clothing?

Daria: Dunno. I heard my mother yelling once. I think it was somewhere in the 5 figure range.

Jane: Wow.

Daria: Yeah. My parents may make her get a job in a sweatshop to pay off the mastercard bill.

Jane: Ah, the irony of it all. Making clothes she’d never wear.


Quinn is lying on the bed, thumbing through Waif and talking on the phone. Apparently Daria was wrong and Quinn wasn’t out shopping. In mean, Daria doesn’t care about Quinn’s life so it doesn’t matter.

Quinn: And so I told Brian, I CAN’T go out with you anymore. His eye color clashes with my hair. Any besides, he drives a TRUCK. A TRUCK! I mean, my entire standard of dating is based on guys who drive sports cars with a roomy backseat. His truck didn’t even HAVE a backseat---


Quinn: I’ll have to call you back, Sandi.


Helen is sitting at the table going through a pile of bills. Jake is at the stove cooking up some dish and obviously has no idea what he’s doing. Quinn walks in.

Quinn: What’s up mom?

Helen: Would you care to explain this Visa bill?

Quinn: *looking like a caught rabbit* Uuuuuummmmmmmmm………weeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll……………..I just remembered that iahve to um, work on the school’s save the whales campaign. *turns to leave*

Helen: Save it. Young lady, you have absolutely no concept of the value of money. I’ve decided its time for you to get a job.

Quinn: *screams and keels over*

Jake: Omigod Helen! Quinns sick! Call 911!

Helen: JAKE! She’s not sick. Shut up and cook my dinner. I’LL handle this. DARIA!

Daria: *walks in* Oh, good. She finally ate the poisened apple.


<hrm, commercials. Ummmm, that spiffy Old NAVY christmas one, with the cool song, the sprite commercial with grant hill doing yardwork, and a varsity blues trailor. That should cover it>

CUT TO KITCHEN Quinn is still passed out and Daria stands over her smirking.

Helen: Daria, do you know where the smelling salts are?

Daria: Don’t worry mom. I’ll take care of this. Just let me get Binky, my sledgehammer.

Helen: Dariaaaaaaa…………

Daria: All right. You always ruin my fun. *sighs and kneels down my Quinn* <soothingly> Quuuiiiiiiiinnnnnnn…..they’re having a one day sale at Cashman’s.

Quinn: *bolts up* WHAT!

Daria: Gotcha.

Quinn: Dammit, Daria!

Helen: Quinn, stand up. That’s no way to behave. Now I want you to go down to McDonalds and fill out an application.

Quinn: But—

Helen: No buts about it. GO!

Quinn: *leaves sullenly*

Daria: This should be good.

CUT TO MCDONALDS INTEIOR Quinn is sitting in a booth looking at a piece of paper, chewing on a pen, and talking to herself. All the male employees are staring at her through the corners of their eyes. For once, Quinn doesn’t notice.

Quinn: Name? Yes, I have one. Address? Yup. Phone number? Duh. Sex…only if he has a really hot car. And buys me stuff. All done. *walks up to front and hands it to the manager*

Manager: *doesn’t even look at sheet* You’re hired.

Quinn: *depressed like* Great. When do I start?

Manager: Tomorrow.


CUT TO DARIA’S ROOM Daria is talking on the phone to Jane. Scene changes to their different rooms as they talk.

Daria: Yeah, my parents actually made her get a job. *beat* At McDonalds.

Jane: Whaat!

Daria: I know. I couldn’t have humliated her more if I had done it myself.

Jane: I don’t know….you’re pretty good in the ‘complete and total humiliation of Quinn’ department.

Daria: *deadpan* Thank you for you’re support. And for being such a long time member you shall receive this commemorative clock as a free gift. But seriously, how much money do you have?

Jane: Uuummmm, about 10 bucks.

Daria: Perfect. She starts work today. Come over at 5?

Jane: I’ll be there with bells on.

Daria: Bye.

Jane: Bye.

*Daria gets up and takes the phone downstairs, only to find Quinn literally being shoved out the door. She is wearing her uniform.*

Daria: *smirks* This is just like my dream. Only Quinn had more luggage with her. And a severed head.

Quinn: *squealing* NOOO!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO THIS!!! NOOO!!!!

*phone rings. Daria sighs and answers it*

Daria: Joe’s Eviction Company, Joe speaking.

Scene change to Sandi sitting on her bed, looking confused. Same phone sitch as before.

Sandi: Ummmmm, is, like, Quinn there or whatever?

Daria: Hold on. *covers up reciever* Quinn, its one of your "friends." Going by vapidness, I’d say its Sandi.

Quinn: SANDI!!! Omigod, give it here! *lets go of doorframe and just barely manages to avoid being pushed out the door. Helen pauses and catches her breath*

Sandi? Hi! ………….Um, no I can’t go to Cashman’s today, I have a, ummmmm, family thing. You know how they are. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow. Bye!

Daria: Let me guess, you have told the Fashion Club about your new activity.

Quinn: No. And its going to stay that way.

Daria: 50.


Daria: 30

Quinn: Done.

Daria: per week. *Quinn graons, Daria smirks*

Scene end Quinn being pushed out of the door.

<commercials, commercials, commercials>

CUT TO DARIA ANSWERING THE DOOR Daria opens it to find Jane standing there. In background, we see Trent’s car. Trent has fallen asleep at the wheel.

*Daria glares*

Jane: Well, how else do you expect us to get there? Besides, I still owe Trent a lunch from when I was in second grade.

Daria: I hate you.

*They walk out to Trent’s care. Jane gets in back and sprawls out making Daria sit up front. Daria glares and gets in. She nudges Trent to wake him up. He just mutters in his sleep and starts to drool*

Daria: *same voice she used for Quinn* Treeeee-eeeeehhhhhhnnnnnnnt……Jane made some pancaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkessssssssss………

Trent: *bolts up* But officer, its not even my car!! *looks around* Oh, hey Daria.

Daria: Mouth won’t work. Must make mouth work. Work, damn you work. Er, hey.

Trent: Janey, where am I going again?

Jane: McDonalds.

Trent: Oh, right.

*They drive off.*

CUT TO Mc DONALDS INTERIOR. Quinn is working the cashier and is flirting with all the guys. Line moves up to reveal Daria, Jane and Trent. Quinn screams soundlessly and then glares.

Quinn: What are YOU doing here?

Daria: I felt in the mood for a burger.

Jane: Me? I wanted stale, processed chicken.

Quinn: Chicken? This is a BURGER joint.

Jane: Nevermind.

Manager: Quinn, I just wanted to check your progress. Carry on with your customer. I’ll just observe.

Daria smirks evilly.

Quinn: *sullenly* Hi, welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?

Daria: You know, I’m not sure what I want. Could you recommend something?

Quinn: The fries are good.

Daria: Maybe I’ll have a Big Mac. Or McNugget’s. Or apple pie…….*Daria goes on like this for a while* Or maybe---

Quinn: *yelling* God dammit!!! Make up your freakin mind already!!!!!!

Manager: Quinn! I will not have you insulting your customers like that. You’re fired!!

Quinn: *sputtering* Bu- but! *she begins to argue with manager. Cut to daria, jane and trent sitting in booth*

Trent: That was pretty cool. You got her fired with out even trying.

Daria:*smirks at Trent’s comment* Thanks.

Jane: *sulleny* But she’s still not humiliated.

Daria: *smirks again* Just wait.

*Door swings open to reveal Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy walking in.*

Sandi: Quinn??? What are YOU doing here?

Quinn: Uuuummmmmm……I thought it would be a really good idea to get in touch with the masses. You know, so we can do more for the communtiy and stuff.

Tiffany: Yeah, but did you have to do it in such an ugly color?

Sandi: Eggplant is SO last season.

Stacy: Yeah.

Quinn: But they MADE me wear this!

Sandi: I thought, like, we went over this at the paintball place. Some rules are MADE to be broken or whatever.

Quinn: But---

Sandi: No excuUses. I am, like, fashion club PRESIDENT or whatever and I order you to take a fashion sabatical. *beat* Again.

Quinn: But, that’s my SECOND one!

Sandi: When you ‘joined’ or whatever, you knew the rules. Three sabaticals in one season and you’re out of the club. Forever. *smirks*

Quinn: *bursts into tears and runs out the door*

Sandi: Well, that’s taken care of .

Tiffany: Buuuut…why are we here?

Sandi: As president of the club it is my duty to know where bad fashion is taking place or whatever.

Stacy: Actually, Sandi got an anonymous note that said to be here at 5 and see the humiation of Quinn.

CUT TO table with Jane, Trent and Daria

Jane: So in one day, you got your sister fired, humiated her in front of her friends and made her run home crying? I’m damned proud.

Trent: *laugh/coughing spasm thing* Yeah, good one Daria.

Daria: Er, thanks. *smiles*