The Physics of Drowning
Scene 1: Lawndale High School, Ms. Vittrells physics class
Ms. Vittrell: Now I hope you are all clear about the instructions for
Ms. Vittrell: And before I forget! Extra credit is available if you are
able to find someone else to row your boat.
Scene 2: Daria and Jane are walking home after school
Jane: Explain to me again how physics is related to boat building.
Daria: Other than the fact that you need it to calculate the
displacement of weight in the boat, which in turn helps in determining
buoyancy? - not at all.
Jane: Alright, but that still doesnt explain why we have to make it out
of only paper, glue, and thin sticks of plywood.
Daria: Hey, Im not the one who made up the rules.
Scene 3: Janes Bedroom, Daria and Jane are watching Sick Sad World
TV: Silk worm sweat shops on the next Sick Sad World
Daria: Were really making inroads on our boat design arent we?
Jane: Well that box looks pretty good.
Daria: Great, box boat it is. Then you can go crazy painting it so we
can get points for artistic design.
Jane: Speaking of points, I may just pass with a D+ if we get the extra
credit, do you know anyone who could row our boat?
Trent walks in.
Jane: Hey Trent.
Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria.
Daria: Uh. Hey.
Trent: Janey do you think you could lend me some money?
Jane: Its gonna cost ya!
Scene 4: Still Janes Bedroom, just a few minutes later
Daria: That was cruel.
Jane: Hey, he didnt ask what the boat was made out of! At least its
all settled now, Trent and Jesse will row our boat for us.
Daria: Now all we have to do is build it.
Scene 5: The Morgendorffer home, Daria is watching TV and Quinn is
walking around talking on the phone.
Quinn: Yeah, so Joey, Jeffy, and Jared asked me to row their boat
because they needed someone who didnt weigh a lot.
Daria: Thats our Quinn, as light as air and as full of it too.
Quinn: And their boat is red so I cant wear my pink bathing suit
because that will clash and Im afraid Ill look too Christmasy if I
wear my green one, thats why we have to call an emergency
Fashion Club meeting!
Scene 6: Daria and Jane are outside in Janes backyard building the
Jane: I still say we build a damn raft. This is the second time our
boats fallen apart because of this 24 hours-to-dry glue! We should
just use my glue gun.
Daria: No! Besides, its probably not waterproof.
Jane: You know, if this boat makes it across, I will take pleasure in
Daria: Looks like a pretty big "if" right now.
Jane: Hey, if not, Ill get the pleasure of watching Jesse and my
brother get soaked.
Trent walks out.
Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria.
Jane: Trent, its before noon and youre awake, whats wrong?
Trent: Dont worry, Im going back to sleep. Jesse just felt that I had
to get up right now to tell you guys that he wont be able to row the
boat so that you had enough time to find a replacement.
Jane: Why cant he do it?
Trent: Because hes come down with the flu.
Scene 7: Janes Bedroom
Jane: Daria, you have to do it.
Daria: No way! Not me.
Jane: Look, Id do it if I wasnt riding the crimson wave right now.
Think of it this way, if you sink, Trent will be there to save you.
Daria: Id rather drown.
Jane: Okay so he wont save you, but think of the other up side, when
you get out of the water you can watch his wet T-shirt cling to him.
Daria: Have you ever thought about writing cheezy romance novels?
Jane: Come on Daria, itll be fun. Or else well have to hope one of
your parents arent working that day.
Daria: *shooting Jane an evil glare* Alright, Ill do it.
Scene 8: Pizza parlor, Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse are eating pizza
Jesse: Its too bad your boat didnt survive.
Jane: The whole project was worth it just to see Daria in a bathing
Daria glares at Jane.
Laa laa la la la