The Physics of Drowning
By fatora

Scene 1: Lawndale High School, Ms. Vittrell’s physics class

Ms. Vittrell: Now I hope you are all clear about the instructions for
your projects.

Bell Rings

Ms. Vittrell: And before I forget! Extra credit is available if you are
able to find someone else to row your boat.

Scene 2: Daria and Jane are walking home after school

Jane: Explain to me again how physics is related to boat building.

Daria: Other than the fact that you need it to calculate the
displacement of weight in the boat, which in turn helps in determining
buoyancy? - not at all.

Jane: Alright, but that still doesn’t explain why we have to make it out
of only paper, glue, and thin sticks of plywood.

Daria: Hey, I’m not the one who made up the rules.

Scene 3: Jane’s Bedroom, Daria and Jane are watching Sick Sad World

TV: Silk worm sweat shops on the next Sick Sad World

Daria: We’re really making inroads on our boat design aren’t we?

Jane: Well that box looks pretty good.

Daria: Great, box boat it is. Then you can go crazy painting it so we
can get points for artistic design.

Jane: Speaking of points, I may just pass with a D+ if we get the extra
credit, do you know anyone who could row our boat?

Trent walks in.

Jane: Hey Trent.

Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria.

Daria: Uh. Hey.

Trent: Janey do you think you could lend me some money?

Jane: It’s gonna cost ya!

Scene 4: Still Jane’s Bedroom, just a few minutes later

Daria: That was cruel.

Jane: Hey, he didn’t ask what the boat was made out of! At least it’s
all settled now, Trent and Jesse will row our boat for us.

Daria: Now all we have to do is build it.

Scene 5: The Morgendorffer home, Daria is watching TV and Quinn is
walking around talking on the phone.

Quinn: Yeah, so Joey, Jeffy, and Jared asked me to row their boat
because they needed someone who didn’t weigh a lot.

Daria: That’s our Quinn, as light as air and as full of it too.

Quinn: And their boat is red so I can’t wear my pink bathing suit
because that will clash and I’m afraid I’ll look too Christmasy if I
wear my green one, that’s why we have to call an emergency
Fashion Club meeting!

Scene 6: Daria and Jane are outside in Jane’s backyard building the
boat.

Jane: I still say we build a damn raft. This is the second time our
boat’s fallen apart because of this 24 hours-to-dry glue! We should
just use my glue gun.

Daria: No! Besides, it’s probably not waterproof.

Jane: You know, if this boat makes it across, I will take pleasure in
destroying it!

Daria: Looks like a pretty big "if" right now.

Jane: Hey, if not, I’ll get the pleasure of watching Jesse and my
brother get soaked.

Trent walks out.

Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria.

Jane: Trent, it’s before noon and you’re awake, what’s wrong?

Trent: Don’t worry, I’m going back to sleep. Jesse just felt that I had
to get up right now to tell you guys that he won’t be able to row the
boat so that you had enough time to find a replacement.

Jane: Why can’t he do it?
Trent: Because he’s come down with the flu.

Jane: Dammit!

Scene 7: Jane’s Bedroom

Jane: Daria, you have to do it.

Daria: No way! Not me.

Jane: Look, I’d do it if I wasn’t riding the crimson wave right now.
Think of it this way, if you sink, Trent will be there to save you.

Daria: I’d rather drown.

Jane: Okay so he won’t save you, but think of the other up side, when
you get out of the water you can watch his wet T-shirt cling to him.

Daria: Have you ever thought about writing cheezy romance novels?

Jane: Come on Daria, it’ll be fun. Or else we’ll have to hope one of
your parents aren’t working that day.

Daria: *shooting Jane an evil glare* Alright, I’ll do it.

Scene 8: Pizza parlor, Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse are eating pizza

Jesse: It’s too bad your boat didn’t survive.

Jane: The whole project was worth it just to see Daria in a bathing
costume!

Daria glares at Jane.

Laa laa la la la