"The Way Things Ought to Be"
by Barry Eshkol Adelman
Scene 1: Lawndale suburb, exterior. Daria and Quinn are walking to
Quinn: Go away!
Daria: We've been through this before.
Quinn: And we'll go through it again. If I keep being seen with you,
people may think we actually are doing something together. I don't want
that to happen, so find a shorter route.
Daria: This is the shortest route.
Quinn: Then take a longer route. Just don't let people see you with me.
Daria: What do you care what other people think? Your entourage knows
I'm your sister and they still want to go out with you.
Quinn: You don't understand popularity, do you? If people see me with
you, people will think I like people like you, and then no one will want
me around them.
Daria: Except people who actually like you.
Daria: Your shallowness is incredible. What's the point of being around
people who don't like you in the first place?
Quinn: Argh! You're never going to understand. I just hope some day you
do so we don't have to keep going through all this.
Daria: And I wish you were as intellectual as I was. Then maybe the
world might be a marginally better place.
Quinn: Yeah, right.
<pan behind them as they continue walking>
Upchuck: <out of view> Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer, two high-schoolers
reenacting the ancient conflict of the shallow present versus the
intellectual who sees the broader picture. Daria has just made a wish
regarding her sister she has often made in haste, but in a moment she will
step out of their ordinary existence in Lawndale and pass into the realm
of possibility and imagination. This trip will take her from the world
she knows into the world that might have been, a trip which will not end
until she once again crosses the boundary of the Twilight Zone.
Scene 2: Lawndale High, hallway. Jane talks to Daria while the latter
gets books from her locker.
Jane: She's really getting to you.
Daria: She got to me when she was born.
Jane: And yet you share the same parents. How do you think she got that
Daria: I'm guessing the uranium in the water in Highland. There were
people there who made Kevin look smart and I'm guessing it's not a
Jane: But if the water made Quinn shallow and other people stupid, why
weren't you affected?
Daria: I don't suppose you'd believe my early pessimism shielded me from
Jane: Not likely.
<bell rings, cut to next scene>
Scene 3: Lawndale High, classroom. Mr. DiMartino is lecturing while
Daria, Jane, and others listen and take notes.
DiMartino: The resulting radiation caused CANCER and BIRTH defects in the
affected areas, problems which they still have to deal with TODAY. Kevin!
<cut to Kevin, who has been gazing at Brittany>
Kevin: <starting> The Civil War!
DiMartino: We are covering the history of environmental DISASTERS. Can
you tell me, Kevin, if you'll be so KIND to give us the slightest bit of
ATTENTION, what DISASTER have we been TALKING about!
Kevin: Uh, the--plague?
<Daria removes glasses, begins cleaning lenses with edge of jacket>
DiMartino: Not quite. We are TALKING about the MELTDOWN at the CHERNOBYL
<fade rapidly to next scene with wave effect>
Scene 4: Daria is in Van Driessen's class in Highland High. Her
appearance is altered, wearing no glasses and having a figure like
Quinn's. She is wearing a tight-fitting pale-green shirt with a black
miniskirt, a pendant, and black platform sandals; she is obviously wearing
lipstick and mascara. Realizing she is not wearing glasses, she is
holding her hands out to see how far she can see without them.
Daria: <to self> What the--
Van Driessen: <angrily> Morgendorffer!
<Van Driessen is in a dress shirt, slacks, and a tie; his hair is short
and neatly combed, while his face wears a scowl.>
Daria: <voice normally modulated and higher-pitched> What? Uh, Mr. Van
Van Driessen: Is there something so interesting about your hands that you
feel you can stare at them in class instead of pay attention to my
Daria: Uh, no, not--
Van Driessen: Then maybe you should explain what you're doing! Checking
your vision after another night of staying up partying!
Van Driessen: A little drunken piece of crud like you has to come
interrupt my class with her ballet dancing! Get the hell out of my class
Daria: But I didn't--
Van Driessen: I said now, Morgendorffer! Or do I have to drag your ass
out of your seat and throw you out!
<Daria grabs her books and purse and runs out; cut to hallway>
Daria: <thinking as she wanders the halls> I'm back in Highland. Mr.
Van Driessen's gone crazy. And I can see without glasses. This is
definitely a dream.
Scene 5: Bathroom, interior. Daria is staring at herself in the mirror.
Daria: Wake up, Daria. Wake up, Daria. <slaps self> I'm not asleep.
But even my voice sounds strange, almost like Quinn.
Quinn: <out of view, voice monotone and lower-pitched> Drugs again,
<Pull back to reveal Quinn standing behind Daria at some distance. Quinn
is dressed in a pale rose shirt, blue jeans, a denim jacket, and tawny
boots. Her hair is cut shoulder-length and her face without any obvious
makeup and expressionless.>
Daria: <jolts, turns around> Quinn! What happened to you?
Quinn: <deadpan> I was born. Then things went downhill. What are you
strung-out on now?
Daria: I'm not on anything. I don't think I'm on anything. Why are you
dressed and talking like--me?
Quinn: You must be on something. <grabs Daria's purse>
Quinn: <looking through purse> You have an awful lot of makeup and
condoms in here...
Daria: Quinn, have you noticed anything changing suddenly?
Quinn: Yes, you're acting weirder than usual.
Daria: I was just in Lawndale and suddenly--
Quinn: Bingo! <produces tiny plastic bag from purse filled with white
powder> Putting your allowance up your nose again?
Daria: That isn't mine!
Quinn: I suppose Melvin just needed a place to stash it. <drops purse,
goes into stall> Really, Daria...
Daria: Quinn, you're not listening!
<flushing sound; Quinn emerges from stall>
Quinn: You're not saying anything.
Daria: <grabbing Quinn by the shoulders> I was saying I was just in
Lawndale and suddenly I'm here! We're both dressed differently and you're
acting funny! Something is wrong, Quinn!
Quinn: You're the one who's wrong. You've poisoned yourself so long that
you're getting delusional. Either that or this is some ploy to get money
Daria: You think I'm a liar?
Quinn: Yes. You might be able to con Mom and Dad but that doesn't mean
I'm going to fall for it too.
Daria: I'm not lying, Quinn! We're supposed to be in Lawndale! We moved
Quinn: What are you talking about?
Daria: Mom got a job at a law firm there! Dad did some consulting! You
became instantly popular and are the vice president of the Fashion Club!
Quinn: That isn't even good enough for a piece of cheap fiction.
Daria: I was wearing glasses, Quinn! How come I suddenly have
Quinn: You had a radial keratotomy, Daria. You thought glasses were
nerdy and you didn't want to have to deal with contacts. You spent a
whole summer being attended by your boyfriends while you recovered. Come
on, next you're going to tell me you're some kind of geek. Save it,
<Daria picks up purse, looks through purse and book bag until she finds
notebook; zoom in on notebook to see class schedule written on it; class
schedule has references to a lot of boys' names to one side>
Daria: <thinking> I can't believe I picked out my schedule that way.
Scene 6: Highland High, hallway. Daria tries to head to her next class
when she is accosted by Beavis and Butt-Head. Both are nicely groomed and
dressed and have proper posture.
Daria: <thinking> Damn!
Beavis: Hey, Daria, are you okay?
Butt-Head: We got worried when you ran out of class like that.
Beavis: I was worried more.
Butt-Head: Was not!
Daria: Get away from me, you morons!
<Beavis and Butt-Head look stunned>
Butt-Head: Did we do something, Daria?
Beavis: I don't think we did, but if we did, we're awfully sorry.
Butt-Head: I'm sorrier than you!
Beavis: I'm incredibly sorry.
Butt-Head: Tell us what we did wrong and we'll fix it.
Daria: Shut up!
<people around start to look; Daria grabs Beavis and Butt-Head by the
hands and drags them to a more isolated corner>
Daria: Why are you guys dressed like that?
Butt-Head: You don't like it? We can wear something else.
Beavis: You think we'd look better in something else?
Daria: Let me guess, you don't wear shorts and heavy-metal t-shirts?
Beavis: <pause; confused> I don't know, Daria. I'm not sure I'd want to
be seen in that.
Butt-Head: Yeah, that might make us look stupid.
Beavis: If it makes you happier I'll wear that.
Butt-Head: Are you okay? You don't seem like yourself.
Daria: Uh, no, I'm just feeling, uh, sick. Some kind of, uh, disease.
I'll be okay. I got to get to class.
Butt-Head: Let me walk you then. I have the same class.
Beavis: Me too, Daria. I'll walk you too.
Daria: I think I can find it. Don't you guys have someone else to hit
Butt-Head: What are you talking about? I thought we were going out.
Beavis: Yeah, we were going out too.
Butt-Head: She may have been doing that, but she likes me better!
Beavis: Does not! Don't you, Daria?
Daria: <to self> I really am Quinn here.
Daria: I mean, uh, I'm still not ready to commit to one person. You
understand, don't you? We'd better get to class. <starts walking off>
Beavis: Hey, Daria, <pointing in opposite direction> McVicker's class is
Scene 7: Highland High, classroom. Mr. McVicker is teaching in front of
a full classroom; he looks unchanged from his original incarnation.
Beavis and Butt-Head sit on either side of Daria and pay more attention to
her than McVicker. Daria looks distracted herself.
McVicker: Thus we can see that the squares of the two sides of a right
triangle are equal to the square of the hypotenuse. Daria, what did I
just say? Daria!
McVicker: What was I just talking about?
Daria: Oh, the, um, Pythagorean theorem, which demonstrates that for any
right triangle the sum of the squares for the lengths of the two shorter
sides will equal the square of the length of the hypotenuse. This
theorem, derived in ancient Greece, was one of the secrets of the
Pythagorean cult, along with other such facts as there being five regular
<Beavis, Butt-Head, and McVicker look stunned>
McVicker: How did you know that?
Daria: I--read it in a book.
McVicker: It's good to see you actually reading something for once
instead of merely contemplating your nail polish color.
Daria: What's that supposed to mean?
McVicker: Can you tell me the formula for the area of a circle?
Daria: Pi r-squared.
McVicker: The quadratic formula?
Daria: X equals minus b plus or minus the square root of b-squared minus
four a c over two a.
Butt-Head: Why the heck did you learn that useless crap?
McVicker: Useless! It's not useless! You get detention for that remark,
Butt-Head: That isn't fair!
McVicker: Daria, can I see you in the hall for a moment?
<Daria shrugs, follows McVicker into the hall>
McVicker: You have been one of the biggest pains in the butt I have ever
dealt with, Daria. You're always late or absent, and when you're in class
you're not paying attention and passing notes to those nitwit boyfriends
Daria: Beavis and Butt--uh, Melvin are _not_ my boyfriends.
McVicker: The point is up until this point you've caused me and every
other teacher nothing but grief. I'm surprised that the principal hasn't
expelled you already. What's important to me, though, is that you've
finally learned something. <sniff>
Daria: Are you okay?
McVicker: <nods, begins to cry> Day after day I go in there and no one
seems to care that someday what I'm trying to teach them might be
important. And here, the one who until now has been the worst student,
suddenly has learned something. I'm so happy! <full torrent of crying>
Daria: Uh, thanks. Do you need a tissue or something? I'd give you a
hug but you know how the lawsuits are.
McVicker: <wiping eyes> I'm fine, thanks. I'm very proud of you. Just
give me a minute to compose myself.
<a hint of a smile appears at the corners of Daria's mouth>
Scene 8: Highland High, cafeteria. Daria, Beavis, and Butt-Head are
sitting at a table eating.
Beavis: What did you do to Mr. McVicker out there? I've never seen him
Daria: I just shocked the hell out of him by learning something.
Butt-Head: You usually shock him by describing his anatomy. Why bother
to learn that stuff?
Daria: Hey, it's, uh, part of my plan.
<Beavis and Butt-Head's eyes widen>
Beavis: You got a plan?
Butt-Head: Cool! What are you planning?
Daria: Just to, uh, get away with more stuff. The idea is we show up and
learn enough to impress the teachers, and then they'll be so happy they
won't notice anything else we do. We could write dirty things about them
on the walls and they'd never suspect us. Who knows, some of the things
we learn might even be useful. Ever open a chemistry textbook?
<pan over to another table where Quinn is eating lunch with Stewart>
Stewart: What is up with your sister?
Quinn: I don't want to think about it. She was on something this
morning, claiming we had moved to Lawndale.
Stewart: Isn't that the place that had the uranium in the water?
Quinn: Yeah. The government claims the levels are safe but that stuff
has cumulative effects. The plant that they blame it on isn't that far
from here. If the wind had been blowing in a different direction that
day... I shudder to think what would have happened.
Stewart: But look at the way she's acting. She doesn't sound right.
Quinn: You've got a crush on her, don't you?
Stewart: I do not! I'm just... worried.
Quinn: It's probably for the best she only talks to popular boys. I've
seen what she does to guys and it's gruesome. After she bankrupts you
she'll dump you in some horrible way. I pity her dates.
<pan back to Daria, Beavis, and Butt-Head>
Beavis: Cool! I never knew you could do that!
Daria: You just have to remember to use this power for good, not evil.
Butt-Head: Hey, Daria, can you show us how do the math so we can find out
how high to drop something from so we know it'll be going, say, a hundred
miles per hour when it hits the ground?
Daria: I sure can.
Beavis: Whoa, science rocks!
Butt-Head: I'm so glad you're a brain.
<stylishly-dressed angry girl in blue approaches>
angry girl: Hello, _Daria_. Are you having a nice lunch?
Daria: Uh, yeah. <thinking> Who is she?
angry girl: You seemed to have had a nice dinner last night.
Daria: I guess...
angry girl: You know, when you went out with _Brad_. You know _Brad_,
the quarterback of the football team?
Daria: Um, if you say so...
Butt-Head: You went out with Brad?
Daria: It was, uh, a friendly dinner.
angry girl: Very friendly, wasn't it, Daria, since today he told me we
should both see other people! Take this!
<angry girl throws Daria out of seat onto the ground and begins punching
Butt-Head: Hey! <restrains angry girl while Beavis helps Daria up>
Beavis: What the hell's your problem, Sandra?
Sandra: She's my problem! Brad and I go out for three months and she has
to ruin it in one night!
Daria: And if things are as you said they are, then Brad must obviously
Sandra: You better watch yourself, Daria! <pulls herself away from
Butt-Head: What's this about you and Brad?
Daria: He was uh, like nothing. We're just friends. You're the only
guys who mean anything to me. <thinking> Why did I just say that?
Beavis: Yeah, well, you're like special too, Daria.
Daria: <thinking> I can't believe I borrowed a line from Quinn.
Butt-Head: So, are you like going to choose between us any time soon
Daria: <thinking> Oh my God. <speaking> You can't expect me to choose
one guy so soon, can you? <thinking> I can't believe I did it again.
Barch: <out of view> What have we here?
Daria: <to self> I know that voice...
<enter Ms. Barch>
Barch: I see your makeup is fairly smudged, Ms. Morgendorffer. Been in a
Daria: Ms. Barch! What are you doing in Highland?
Barch: That's kind of a strange question since _I am the principal_. You
know I don't tolerate fighting in this school. Do you have a concussion?
Daria: Uh, no, ma'am.
Barch: Good. I thought I just saw you brawling with someone else, but I
must be mistaken. But if I ever see such a thing and I'm not mistaken,
you will of course be suspended for a week. _Is that understood?_
Daria: Yes, ma'am.
Beavis: I hate that witch.
Butt-Head: <putting hand on Daria's shoulder> Don't worry, baby. I'll
protect you from her.
Daria: <thinking> I got a really bad feeling about these guys.
Scene 9: Highland suburbs, exterior. Quinn is walking home when Daria
catches up with her.
Quinn: What are you doing, Daria?
Daria: Afraid of your social standing being affected?
Quinn: You usually walk with Beavis and Melvin. You only come near me
when you want to embarrass me or are whacked out on drugs.
Daria: I need to talk to you, Quinn.
Quinn: I am not giving you money, Daria. Any money you get goes into
your wardrobe or up your nose. And don't give me any lame excuses because
you lie whenever your lips move.
Daria: I don't want money, I'm not out to embarrass you, and I am not on
Quinn: So what do you want?
Daria: You remember what I said in the bathroom earlier?
Quinn: That we had moved to Lawndale and I was popular. Do you still
believe that or has the delusion changed?
Daria: It is not a delusion.
Quinn: Are you feeling okay? You do not have a suicide plan, do you?
Daria: What? No, I'm not going to kill myself. Quinn, I need you to
Quinn: Let me guess. In Lawndale we're the best of friends.
Daria: Actually we're not. You tell everyone I'm your cousin because
you're popular and you don't want to be associated with a brain.
Quinn: So why would you want to talk to me?
Daria: Because you're probably the only one here who can understand what
I'm going through. And you probably have enough family loyalty not to rat
on me even if you think I'm crazy.
Quinn: What makes you think I care about family?
Daria: You didn't turn me in for having coke in my purse.
Daria: Here you're a lot like what I'm supposed to be like. I'm going to
need your help if I'm ever going to figure out what happened.
Quinn: Why don't you talk to your boyfriends instead?
Daria: They're idiots. They're smarter here than they're supposed to be
but they're nowhere as smart as you. At least they're cleaner now.
Quinn: May I suggest you look under your bed when you get home. There's
a box there with letters to you there. You'll need to know that stuff if
you don't want to attract too much attention.
Scene 10: Alternate Morgendorffer home in Highland, exterior. Cut to
alternate Daria's room, interior. This room resembles Quinn's, but with
many more stuffed animals. An open closet shows a dazzling array of
clothes. No books are visible anywhere. Daria and Quinn enter.
Daria: This is disgusting.
Quinn: You decorated it.
Daria: I see I'm not a big reader here.
Quinn: Does the word "duh" mean anything? Why don't you go read some of
Daria: Why do you want me to read them so badly?
Quinn: Oh, I want to see you fit in better.
Daria: Not likely, Quinn. You've read them, haven't you?
Quinn: And you know this because...
Daria: Because I looked at your diary.
Quinn: And what was in it?
Daria: Stuff you probably wouldn't be caught dead doing here. What's in
the letters? I'm not something worse than a drug user here, am I?
Quinn: No, of course not.
Daria: You're lying.
Quinn: Look, I'm going to go do my homework. If you want to continue
believing this tale, go ahead, but be sure you read those letters.
Daria: <sigh; thinking> I'd better get this over with.
<Daria removes a shoe box from under her overly lacy bed. Inside are a
bunch of letters and cards. She takes the first one and reads.>
male voice: <out of view> My dearest Daria. As I write this, I find my
heart exploding with love for you. The other night, when you shared with
me the gift of your first time, that was the greatest night of my life. I
feel we have forged a bond that will endure forever, and I will never
forget the feeling of your body next to mine, that greatest of touches.
Until the next time, my darling, I will yearn for you unendingly.
Beavis' voice: Beavis.
<Daria's eyes open fully; cut to exterior shot of house>
Daria: <out of view> AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
<cut back to interior of alternate Daria's room; Quinn bursts in>
Quinn: Are you okay?
Daria: What? Uh, yeah. I'm perfectly fine. What? Does something seem
Quinn: <deadpan> Of course not. It just sounded like you broke a nail.
Daria: Ha ha.
Quinn: Just keep it down, okay? I can't hear _Sick, Sad World_ over your
<nervously Daria looks at the next letter, begins reading>
male voice: <out of view> Dearest Daria. You are the greatest example
of womanhood in existence. Nowhere is anyone as beautiful or attractive
as you. You are like a goddess, and I wish to worship you for the rest of
my life. When we lost our virginity together, I felt both honored and
humbled by being in your glory. Your adoring worshipper,...
Butt-Head's voice: Melvin.
<Daria's eyes open fully; cut to exterior shot of house>
Daria: <out of view> AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Scene 11: Bathroom, alternate Morgendorffers' house, exterior. Quinn
stands outside door, knocking.
Quinn: Daria, are you in there?
Daria: <out of view; upset> Go away, Quinn.
<Quinn opens door, steam bellows out; cut to interior scene, where Quinn
is entering. Daria can be seen with her head sticking out of a
suds-filled tub, the room cloudy with steam.>
Quinn: Going for a fashionable prune look?
Daria: Who cares?
Quinn: Are you okay? You're really shook up over those letters, aren't
Daria: You set me up with those letters, didn't you?
Quinn: Duh. Let me guess, you would have done the same to me.
Daria: Yeah, probably.
Quinn: You probably believe your delusions. Given some of the things
you've written to those guys about how manly they are--
Daria: I have a suicide plan, get me a toaster.
Daria: I feel like garbage.
Quinn: But it wasn't you who did it. I mean, if we go by this story, it
_was_ you, but it wasn't you, it was the other you.
Daria: But it could have been me, couldn't it?
Quinn: It could have been worse. Melvin could have kept his birth name.
Think of it, you could have slept with someone named _Butt-Head_. Think
of how awful that would be.
Daria: Get me the toaster now, Quinn.
Quinn: <taking seat on counter> It'll get better. Given it's you I'm
talking to, you could probably feel better by dyeing your hair and getting
a manicure, maybe a new dress.
Daria: That won't work. Have you ever woken up and realized you don't
Quinn: Every time I'm reminded of who my sister is.
Daria: Very funny. I'm feeling really dirty about some things I've done,
the other me. It's like no matter how much I wash, the feeling doesn't go
away. I don't think I can live like this.
Quinn: Out, damned spot! Out, I say!
Daria: Excuse me?
Quinn: You're doing _MacBeth_ in English class, aren't you? Guy kills
king, guy becomes king, things aren't as hunky and dory as they thought it
Daria: I've read the play.
Quinn: Uh, yeah. Let me guess: You've had thoughts about what it would
be like to be popular and have lots of friends?
Daria: And if you tell anyone that, I will deny it with my dying breath.
Quinn: So now you're the most popular one and you're beginning to wonder
if it was worth it. The clothes, the makeup, all that time and energy so
you can be around people you don't really like, talk about things which
don't really matter, and worst of all, be mean to people who haven't done
anything to you. I suppose it doesn't matter if you really believe we
moved to Lawndale or not. If you really hate what you're doing, you ought
to change it before you hate yourself the rest of your life.
Daria: Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood
Quinn: Nice one.
Daria: I hate to say this, Quinn, but you're right. About what I should
Quinn: Well, duh!
Daria: Could you tell me something?
Quinn: I suppose.
Daria: When did I get this tattoo of a rose on my butt?
Scene 12: Alternate Morgendorffers' house, kitchen. Daria, Quinn, Helen,
and Jake are eating what appears to be lasagna and bacon.
Jake: What were doing up there so long? I thought I saw water dripping
out of the ceiling.
Daria: Sorry about that. I wasn't feeling very well.
Jake: It's not <pause> female problems, is it?
Daria: Nothing like that. Mom, Dad, I've been really rotten to you.
Helen: Sorry, but we are not giving you another advance on your
Daria: That's not what I'm after. I've been nothing but a selfish
monster for some time and I really don't want to be that way anymore. I'm
sorry for what I've done and I hope you'll let me make a clean start with
Helen: That's nice, honey.
Jake: But you're still not getting the car tonight.
Daria: I told you--
Jake: Come on, honey, you've used this line before. Last week.
Helen: And when we didn't take you to the Mall of the Millennium, you
threw a fit. Same old, same old.
Daria: <sigh> I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well again. <exits>
Quinn: She looks upset. I'd better go talk to her. <exits>
Scene 13: Alternate Quinn's room, interior. The room is rather bleak,
with black curtains and sheets, lots of books, a poster of M. C. Escher's
"Reptiles," and an obvious human skeleton hanging in the closet. Daria is
lying face-up on the bed. Quinn enters.
Quinn: What are you doing in my room?
Daria: This seems more like familiar territory. I should have realized
they wouldn't believe me.
Quinn: <sitting on edge of bed> You lie all the time and no one will
believe you. The only way you ever got anything out of them was by
pestering them continuously.
Daria: Damn, I was worse than you. The other you.
Quinn: Now that's the kind of admission I like to hear.
Daria: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Quinn: Well, you were an amazing pain the neck. Are you planning on
staying or are you going to try to walk through a mirror?
Daria: I don't know. I have no idea how I got here, so I can't get home,
so I guess I'll have to stay. If I can patch up my reputation, I might be
able to make it here.
Quinn: And give up your popularity, the clothes, the boys, the drugs...?
Daria: I can do without the drugs. I can also do without dating popular
idiots and spending time talking gibberish. I'll take smart normal over
getting beat up at lunch for meaningless flings.
Quinn: Even Brad?
Daria: I have no idea who he is. Before we moved to Lawndale, I didn't
spend much time socializing with most of the students here. When I spent
time with Beavis and Butt-Head, it was mostly to exploit or make fun of
Quinn: That wouldn't be hard.
Daria: Believe me, it was easier.
Quinn: I suppose you spent time with my friends. Did you know Stewart?
Daria: Not well. I got better in Lawndale. There was this one girl
called Jane, very artistically inclined. She kept trying to push me and
her brother together, though.
Quinn: Hmmm. Was he cute?
Daria: He's a musician in a rock band called Mystik Spiral, named Trent.
Quinn: <surprised> Trent Lane?
Daria: Uh, yes.
Quinn: <moving to door and opening it> I think there's someone you need
Scene 14: Highland, exterior, near Burger World. Quinn and Daria are
walking towards the restaurant.
Daria: You're telling me Trent is here? In Highland?
Quinn: He and his band came here to play a gig a few months ago and he
ended up staying.
Daria: And the rest of Mystik Spiral?
Quinn: They went back. I think they have a new guitarist now.
Daria: So what is Trent doing here?
Quinn: You'll see.
<cut to interior of Burger World; Quinn and Daria enter; Daria's eyes
widen; pan to counter where Trent is attending>
Trent: Welcome to Burger World. How may I help you? Hey, Quinn.
Quinn: <approaching> How's business, Trent?
Trent: Rather slow tonight. How's high school treating you?
Quinn: Same old, same old. I'd like you to meet my sister Daria.
Trent: <indifferently> Hey.
Daria: Uh, I heard you used to be in a band.
Trent: Why are you asking? You know the story.
Trent: I thought you knew, Quinn. Your sister here's the reason I quit
playing. She came on to me after the last gig I played in this town. The
next morning I found she'd robbed me of everything that wasn't pinned
down, and I didn't have all that much to start. I had to bum money off
the other band members just to pay the hotel bill.
Daria: <shocked> Oh my God...!
Trent: Save it. Quinn's the only reason I'm actually doing something
with my life. She helped me find a place at a friend of hers, helped get
me this job, even helps me out now and then.
Quinn: <to Daria> Better I take it than it going up your nose.
Daria: I am _so_ sorry, Trent--
Trent: Save it. That night was the biggest mistake in my life. Maybe if
you'd been more like Quinn here I would have made something more of myself
<Daria runs out>
Quinn: Daria, wait!
<cut to scene outside with Quinn chasing Daria>
Quinn: <following Daria around the corner of the restaurant> Where are
<Quinn catches up with Daria as the latter nearly trips over the curb;
Daria is on the verge of crying>
Daria: <barely able to get words out while sobbing> He's--not--playing!
Quinn: Now, now... <wraps arms around Daria, who puts her head on her
Scene 15: Alternate Quinn's room, interior. Daria is lying face-down on
the bed, Quinn face-up on the floor. Daria has calmed down somewhat but
is still visibly distraught.
Quinn: He was your boyfriend, wasn't he?
Daria: He was not.
Quinn: But you still cared a lot for him. It wasn't just Jane trying to
fix you up with him, was it?
Daria: You're worse than Jane.
Quinn: I've seen you around boys, the other you. You regularly would see
someone you like, devour him, and then spit him out when you got bored.
Daria: And Trent here was just another in that string. You haven't
really been reading my mail, have you?
Quinn: I have, but you've done stuff like this to several guys and you
usually don't even know their names. If it makes you feel better, it was
the other you who did this to him. And in any case, he would have
probably given up playing anyhow. He was having his doubts.
Daria: My Trent stayed in the band.
Quinn: Maybe this one is different.
Daria: I don't know...
Jake: <out of view> Daria, your dates are here.
Daria: I knew I should have checked my appointment book.
Quinn: If it's two of them, it's Beavis and Melvin.
Daria: I don't feel like dealing with those two.
Quinn: Want me to blow them off for you? You've done that to them
Daria: I've got a better idea. Come on...
Scene 16: Beavis' mom's car. Beavis drives while Daria sits in the front
passenger seat and Quinn and Butt-Head sit in the back.
Beavis: Why do you want to go to Lawndale? I hear it's full of a lot of
stupid people and stuff.
Butt-Head: You listen to the coach too much.
Daria: I really need to see someone there. She's like a friend of mine.
Butt-Head: I hope that helps. You look really tired or something. You
sure you're not sick?
Quinn: Oh, that's because she hasn't had any drugs today. She's going
Beavis: I have some joints in the drug compartment if you want some.
Daria: That's okay. I need to get off that stuff. I don't want to mess
up my brain anymore.
Beavis: But why are you having your sister come with us?
Daria: I need her for support. She could also, like, benefit from being
around cool guys like you two.
Beavis: Whoa! Cool!
Butt-Head: <to Quinn> You know, if you wore some nicer clothes and did
yourself up right, you could be almost as pretty as Daria.
Quinn: <deadpan> Maybe on those mornings when she wakes up hung-over.
<fade to scenes of the car driving through the night>
Scene 17: Lane house, exterior, early morning. Beavis and Butt-Head wait
in the car while Quinn and Daria approach the front door.
Quinn: Do you really want to do this?
Daria: Do you have to ask questions I keep asking myself?
<reaching the door, Daria rings the doorbell>
Quinn: What if she doesn't talk to you?
Daria: Why don't you go wait in the car with Butt-Head?
<Jane answers; her appearance is unchanged from her usual look except her
clothes are wrinkled from being slept in>
Jane: <sleepily> Sorry, we don't buy anything from people who wake us
Daria: I didn't mean to wake you, but I came all the way from Lawndale to
talk to you about your brother Trent.
Jane: What has he done now?
Daria: It's about what he isn't doing. I want to know why he gave up
Jane: You're not some kind of lovesick fan still pining for him, are you?
Daria: No, I used to, um, be a friend of his.
Jane: And you are...?
Daria: <sign> Daria.
Jane: As in "Daria Morgendorffer?"
Daria: The same.
Jane: <sounding bitter> I've heard about you from Trent. I know all
about your little one-night stand and everything you did to him.
Quinn: <to Daria in a lowered voice> I told you this was a bad idea.
Jane: <to Quinn> You'd better stick around for your friend here, because
after I'm done with her she's going to need someone to drive her to the
Daria: Jane, wait!
Jane: <assuming a boxing pose> I've waited too long to meet you. Take
<Jane slugs Daria in the jaw, knocking her down; Quinn throws herself
against Jane to stop her from hitting Daria again>
Quinn: Give it a rest!
Jane: Get out of my way!
<Jane tosses Quinn aside but is held back by Beavis and Butt-Head, who
have come running to Daria's aid>
Butt-Head: What is it with you and fighting chicks?
Jane: <struggling> Let go of me, you freaks! This is personal!
Daria: <becoming more obviously hurt as she gets up with Quinn's help>
I'm sorry what happened with your brother, Jane. I just-- <sob> I just
wanted to know if he was going to quit playing anyway.
Jane: Are you kidding? He didn't have a doubt about his music until he
met you! Then you come along, rip him off, and he's out! Thanks a lot,
<Daria begins walking away>
Jane: Yeah, go somewhere else and crush someone else's spirit!
<Quinn follows Daria>
Butt-Head: <to Jane> See what you did to her, assmunch!
<cut to Quinn running after Daria>
Quinn: Daria! Wait up!
<Quinn catches up to her sister, who is trying hard not to cry>
Quinn: I'm so sorry about this. Is there anything I can do for you?
Daria: Just go home with Beavis and Butt-Head.
Daria: Whatever his name is. Go home, make up an excuse for Mom and Dad,
tell them I flipped out and went off with someone. Something the other me
does all the time.
Quinn: You're not going to stay here, are you?
Daria: I need to be by myself now, and I can't do that in a car full of
people. Don't worry, I can take care of myself. I'll take a bus line
home, shouldn't be any later than the day after tomorrow.
Daria: Just go. I'll see you soon. <departs>
Scene 18: Pizza place, interior. Daria is nursing a soda by herself in
Upchuck: <out of view> Well well well! A new face?
<pan view to Upchuck; he is wearing a hot pink Izod shirt and green pants
but is otherwise as usual>
Upchuck: The name is Charles Ruttheimer the Third. And you might be...?
Daria: <sigh> I'm sorry, I don't give out my name to strangers.
Upchuck: Feisty! But why are you so sad, fair maid? Surely someone as
lovely as you should have no reason to be forlorn.
Daria: I've heard all these lines before.
Upchuck: And I had thought I had seen everything before until I gazed
upon you. But now I am moved, your beauty attracting my heart like a
Daria: That's funny. I thought I flipped it so the poles went the other
Upchuck: Ah, a clever one. I like that. The smart ones, they have this
quality to them which makes them irresistible, so stimulating to the mind
as well as to the eyes. And so much more knowledgeable about the
important things. I fear I cannot resist! Just tell me your heart's
desire and it will be my command.
Daria: Stab yourself with a fork, Upchuck.
Upchuck: You don't really want that, do you?
Daria: Look, Upchuck, the past day has been a nightmare.
Upchuck: Nothing too bad, I hope.
Daria: You ever realize your life has been nothing but meaningless and
stupid and wish you could be somewhere else?
Upchuck: Sometimes. We all have lives we sometimes wish we could disown.
But that's the secret. You just make a wish and it goes away.
Daria: It does not.
Upchuck: Why not? It's not like it's a matter of distance. You decide
what you want out of life and you go for it. If you're a bad person and
want to be good, be good. If you're sad and you want to be happy, do
things which make you happy. And if you're lonely and want to be with
someone, well, I specialize in that particular problem.
Daria: Nice speech, but I'm still not going home with you. I may hate
myself but I still want some self-respect in the morning.
Upchuck: <rowr> Very feisty. I like that. Here. <hands Daria a card>
Call me when you change your mind. <exits>
Daria: I'll tell you what I wish. I wish I was back in a world I know
where Trent never gave up his music.
Scene 19: Lawndale, exterior. A montage of scenes occurs in which Daria
is wandering the streets aimlessly. Ending up at a movie theater, she
purchases a ticket and goes inside. Sitting down inside, she promptly
closes her eyes and goes to sleep. Cut to next scene.
Scene 20: Classroom, Lawndale High, interior, view from the floor looking
up. The face of DiMartino looms in the view.
DiMartino: Daria! Wake up!
<cut to regular view of classroom where Daria, back to her usual
appearance, is lying on the floor by her desk and everyone is gathered
around her; Daria sits up>
Daria: <low-pitched and monotone> Mr. DiMar-- <to self> I sound like
DiMartino: <sounding uncomfortable as Daria removes her glasses and looks
at her hand> You just passed out on the floor and--is something wrong
with your vision?
Daria: <putting her glasses back on, sounding happier than usual> No,
it's just as bad as it's supposed to be.
DiMartino: <handing a slip of paper to Daria> Here, take this hall pass
and go see the school nurse.
Daria: No thanks. I just, uh, had a reaction to a new medication I'm on.
I should be fine.
DiMartino: Are you sure?
Daria: Positive, everything's fine.
Scene 21: Bathroom, Lawndale High, interior. Daria is checking herself
out in the mirror.
Daria: Thank God I've woken up.
<Quinn enters; Quinn is in her usual outfit>
Quinn: <usual voice and modulation> What are you looking at yourself
like that for? Finally considering some makeup?
Daria: Just admiring myself as I am. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
Quinn: Excuse me?
Daria: Glad to see you're back to yourself too. Not that I didn't like
you the other way.
Quinn: <approaching mirror, pulling out lipstick> What other way?
You're not talking about that outfit I was wearing last week, are you?
Daria: How about you in a denim jacket, shorter hair, and no makeup?
Quinn: Are you kidding? That's like so plain. <beings putting on
Daria: Silly me to give you fashion advice.
Quinn: Well, duh!
Scene 22: Jane's bedroom, interior. Daria is lying face-up on the floor
while Jane paints of the alternate Daria.
Jane: Sounds like a heck of a dream.
Daria: I know. I don't think I've ever had one that vivid before. Or
during a blackout, for that matter. <glancing at picture> My hair was
Jane: I think this picture would look good over your bed, right where
Quinn could see it.
Daria: That would fall under cruel and unusual punishment.
Jane: Too bad the dream didn't go on longer. I wonder what some other
people would have been like.
Daria: The scary part is it could have happened. Maybe if I had been
spoiled as a child I could have ended up like that nightmare.
Jane: Instead of the well adjusted individual you are today. Is that
enough lipstick on you?
Daria: Looks like it. But I think I was wearing more makeup overall. A
little more rosiness in the cheeks. And the chest was a cup size bigger.
Jane: You wore padding?
Daria: You've seen me in the locker room. Why do you need to ask?
Jane: You think this reflected some inner desire of yours? Maybe you
want to be popular, irresponsible, and have wild sex with nitwits.
Daria: And maybe you want to get into a fist fight with me.
Jane: So how was Trent?
Daria: We didn't do it in the dream. The miniskirt was shorter.
Jane: You would have enjoyed it if it happened, though.
Daria: You really do want that fist fight, don't you?
Jane: Think about it, Daria. You made a teacher cry, you got idiots to
actually think learning was cool, and you were the most popular student in
the whole school. You had a sister you could stand and if you gave it
enough time, you could have probably patched things up with your parents.
Jane: More than peachy, you could have gotten your whole world arranged
the way you wanted it.
Daria: Yeah, I suppose so.
Jane: And instead you gave it all up out of love for Trent.
Daria: I didn't do it out of love. I--I didn't want him to give up his
Jane: Fine, you did it out of _concern_ for Trent. But that's still
awfully selfless of you.
Daria: You're forgetting this was all a dream. It would have ended when
I woke up anyway.
Jane: I don't know, Daria, stranger things have happened.
<Trent pokes his head into the room>
Trent: Have you see those spare guitar strings, Jane?
Jane: Probably in the middle of the living room floor where you left
Trent: Thanks. Hey, Daria.
Daria: <already straightening up> Hey, Trent.
Trent: What's with the picture?
Daria: Just myself in this dream I had.
Trent: Must have been a nightmare. You look scary like that.
Daria: Yeah, tell me about it.
<fade to scene of stars against a dark sky panning upwards>
Upchuck: <out of view> The shape of a life is a delicate thing, its
form, texture, and structure being easily perturbed. This is a world in
which people are shockingly similar despite how different they may look,
and one's environment may influence one more than who one's parents are.
Every place that one goes to, every person one meets, every thing one
encounters and every event one endures, these all shape the clay genetics
provides and bend it to fit the whim of experience. The right event at
the right time can alter the shape of a life, and a string of many small
events can change a person beyond recognition. We are all just a short
distance away from being something very different than what we are, not
far from being the person we most despise or perhaps the person we want to
be. For just a single person, one life can take on a nearly infinite
number of forms. There are so many paths one life can take that they defy
the imagination, even for someone who has glimpsed and returned from the