It's finally done! Hope you like it!
(...la-la LA la la...)
"Thicker than Water"
by Danny Bronstein and C.E. Forman
(Special thanks to John Berry for the title suggestions, even though we
ultimately didn't use any of them.)
BEGIN ACT I.
(Fade in: A hill overlooking a quiet Colonial American village, night.
Exact year indeterminate. Black clouds overhead as far as the eye can
see. Hold for 2-3 seconds, then fade in the shouts of angry voices,
screams, the whoosh of torch flames passing close by, boots on
cobblestone. Dramatic music. A tall man, in severe black garb, gallops
toward the camera atop a white horse. As the figure nears, he pulls to
one side at the last instant, and his fluttering cape serves as a
EXT. COLONIAL VILLAGE SQUARE. NIGHT.
(An enraged throng surges into the square. Its members are dressed in
Colonial garb, many of them bearing torches or pitchforks.)
MAN: (Shouts.) KILL THE SHE-DEVIL!!
WOMAN: SAVE OUR CHILDREN!!!
ANOTHER MAN: (Shouts, to someone ahead in the crowd.) PUT AN END TO HER,
(Abrupt cut to the front of the crowd, close-up of a terrified young
girl who's knocked over and nearly trampled. Pan to a large bearded man --
presumably "Phineas" -- wearing heavy boots, who clumps forward, dragging
along a woman, bound with sturdy rope, blindfolded. 180-degree pan from
Phineas to his destination: A tall post in the center of the square, around
which wood is stacked to suggest a pyre. Above, the black clouds loom.)
(End the music with a flourish, then:)
CUT TO: INT. MR O'NEILL'S CLASS. PRESENT DAY.
(Mr O'Neill stands in front of the class. Behind him, on the
chalkboard, is written, "The Way of All Flesh by Samuel Butler", along
with his usual scribblings.)
O'NEILL: Now, class, can anyone tell me what the theme of Samuel
Butler's novel was? (No one raises their hand.) Daria?
DARIA: It was a satire on conformity in the family and Victorian society.
Ernest Pontifax had to choose between following his own path in life and
accepting his preordained role in the family.
O'NEILL: Very good, Daria! Does anyone have any additional comments?
(Upchuck raises his hand.) Charles?
UPCHUCK: (Disappointed tone.) I just want to say that this story had a
very deceptive title. I mean, with a name like "The Way of All Flesh",
I think it should only be natural for it to be about--
O'NEILL: (Interrupting.) Anyway, class, for next week I would like each of
you to write a paper about where you feel you stand in your family. Mention
any family members or ancestors you have that you feel have influenced you
in any way.
DARIA: (To Jane.) My mom's boss has one of those family tree CD-ROMs.
This'll be a snap.
O'NEILL: (Overhears. Delighted.) What a *great* idea, Daria! Class, I
would also like you each to draw a family tree to go with your paper!
(More groans, and a couple of paper balls and a book thrown at Daria's
JANE: (Smirks.) You and your big mouth.
O'NEILL: (Sees Kevin with his hand raised.) Yes, Kevin?
KEVIN: Will this be on the test?
(O'Neill hangs his head and sighs.)
CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH HALLWAY.
(Daria and Jane go to their lockers.)
JANE: So, got any idea what you're going to do your project on?
DARIA: Well, my aunt Amy says that my mom's side of the family has some
sort of "sarcasm gene" or something going back six generations. I figure
I could do a paper on whoever started it all. What about you?
JANE: My great-great-great-great-great aunt Cora.
DARIA: What did she do?
JANE: She was burned at the stake for being a witch.
DARIA: Is that really true?
JANE: I have no idea. Might give O'Neill a good scare though. If he gives
me a bad grade I could tell him I still have Cora's old spell book.
DARIA: I wonder what O'Neill's going to assign Quinn's class.
JANE: (Pondering.) Or maybe I'll do it on my uncle Louie. He's in the
CUT TO: INT. MR O'NEILL'S SOPHOMORE CLASS.
O'NEILL: For next week I would like each of you to write a paper about where
you feel you stand in your family. Mention any family members you have that
you feel have influenced you in any way. (Class groans.) Also, I would like
you to draw a family tree. Daria Morgendorffer suggested it first period!
(More groans, and a couple of paper balls and a book thrown at Quinn's
desk. The book hits her.)
QUINN: *Owww*! God!
O'NEILL: (Sees Jamie with his hand raised.) Yes, Jamie?
JAMIE: Will this be on the test?
(O'Neill hangs his head. The class is interrupted by Ms Li on the P.A.
LI: Attention students of LLaaawndale High! I would like to remind you
that tomorrow is Parents' Night. Please have a parent or legal guardian
attend. This is not mandatory, but failure to comply may be grounds for
suspension as it shows that you have something to hide. That is all.
(Close-up on Quinn, who knows very well that *she* has something to
hide... this family-tree project is a threat to her status as Daria's
CUT TO: EXT. STREET, DAY.
(Daria and Jane are walking home.)
JANE: Trent's band's playing at the Zen tonight. Wanna come?
DARIA: Nah. Amy's coming over tonight. I figure I'll be there to meet her.
JANE: You'd forego seeing Trent for your aunt Amy? Wow, she must be damn
DARIA: Yeah, well... Hey, how about you stay over at my place and meet her?
JANE: Don't see why not. Concert's probably not gonna be much fun without ya.
DARIA: Oh... thanks, I guess.
JANE: (Smirks.) 'Cause nobody drools over my brother quite like you.
(Daria punches Jane in the arm.)
DISSOLVE TO: EXT. THE ZEN, NIGHT.
CUT TO: INT. THE ZEN.
(Mystik Spiral has just finished a song. The small crowd cheers.)
TRENT: We're Mystik Spiral. Goodnight, everyone.
(The crowd cheers some more. The band starts taking its equipment off
(Dissolve to later on. The group stands around while another band
performs on stage.)
TRENT: Good show. Too bad Daria and Jane couldn't make it.
NICK: Man, you sure do like that Daria chick.
TRENT: (Suddenly a bit defensive.) I do not! I just think she's cool, is all.
NICK: You do know she's underage, right?
TRENT: Shut up, man!
JESSE: What do you guys want to do now?
MAX: I dunno.
JESSE: I could use a beer.
NICK: There's a bar across the street.
TRENT: Sounds good.
CUT TO: INT. BAR, LATER THAT NIGHT.
(Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max sit at a table drinking their beers. They all
look towards the door as Amy Barksdale enters and sits down at the bar.)
JESSE: Who's that? I haven't seen her around before.
TRENT: She looks kind of cute.
MAX: So, go talk to her, man.
TRENT: Naw, I can't.
JESSE: Why not?
TRENT: Well... she's probably older than me.
NICK: So? You're an adult. Who cares? Besides, she can't be more than thirty.
(Trent shrugs uncomfortably.)
JESSE: Come on, man. If there's one guy in this group who needs some
action, it's you. Do you remember the last time you got laid?
(Wavy lines and doodly-doodly-doodly music to indicate flashback...
followed immediately by reverse wavy lines and music to indicate flash-
forward to present day.)
JESSE: My point exactly. Go talk to her.
(Trent starts to get up, then sits back down.)
NICK: What's the matter, Trent? Oh, I know what it is. You prefer YOUNGER
TRENT: (Rises to Nick's challenge.) Oh, you're on, pal.
(Trent gets up and walks over to the bar.)
JESSE: (To Nick.) That was cold, man.
(Trent approaches Amy.)
(Amy just looks at him.)
TRENT: Uh, can I buy you a drink?
AMY: I don't know. Can you?
TRENT: (Lopsided smile.) Heh. Sarcasm. Cool. I'm Trent, by the way.
AMY: What do you mean, "by the way"?
TRENT: (Beat.) Forget it. I just wanted to buy you a drink, but if you're
going to be like that about it...
AMY: A drink? Are you sure that's the only reason you approached me?
TRENT: Well, I-- Damn, you're pretty cold. (Beat.) Weird, for some reason
I find that attractive. Well, nice talking to you.
AMY: Have a seat.
AMY: You heard me.
(Trent sits down next to Amy.)
AMY: I'm Amy.
AMY: What do you do, Trent?
TRENT: I'm a musician. I'm in a group called Mystik Spiral. They're over
(Amy and Trent look toward Jesse, Nick and Max, who give Trent a thumbs-up.)
AMY: Mystik Spiral? Sounds kind of 60s-ish, don't you think?
TRENT: We're thinking of changing the name.
AMY: Yeah, I was in a group back in the 80s. Silver Goddess.[*]
TRENT: Never heard of them.
AMY: We played mostly Bangles-type stuff. Never really made it big. We
split over a guy, can you believe that? (Trent chuckles.) Yeah, well, it's
in the past now.
[*] Reference to the fanfic "Silver Goddess" by Invisigoth Gypsy.
--Copyright Infringer Danny
DISSOLVE TO: INT. BAR, LATER THAT NIGHT.
(Trent and Amy have two empty beer bottles each on the counter.)
TRENT: You know, you remind me of someone. I dunno who, but you do.
AMY: Yeah, you remind me of someone too. Who is it you remind me of?
TRENT: (Chuckles.) I dunno. Uh, wanna go to my place?
AMY: Well, I gotta be somewhere soon, but... 'k.
(Amy takes her purse and walks with Trent to the door. Trent looks back at
the guys, who give him a thumbs up.)
MAX: (After Trent and Amy leave.) Wait... Which one of us has the keys to
(The three remaining Spirals check their pockets. From the looks on
their faces, it's pretty clear Trent did.)
CUT TO: EXT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, NIGHT.
INT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE.
(Daria and Jane sit in the living room watching TV.)
SSW ANNOUNCER: The bullet had his name written all over it... literally!
The engraver murders, next on Sick Sad World!
HELEN: Well, I don't know what could be keeping Amy! She was supposed to
be here two hours ago!
(The doorbell rings. Helen opens the door, and Amy's standing there. Her
hair is slightly messed up.)
HELEN: It's about time!
AMY: Pleasure to see you too, Sis.
DARIA: Hey, Aunt Amy.
AMY: My favorite niece!
DARIA: (Surprised.) Oh!
AMY: Have you seen my favorite niece? Where is she?
DARIA: (Disappointed.) Oh.
AMY: I'm just kidding, Daria. You know it's you.
DARIA: Amy, this is my friend Jane Lane.
JANE: (Shakes Amy's hand.) Daria's told me so much about you.
AMY: Positive things, I hope.
JANE: She says positive things about no one. But nothing negative, either.
AMY: You know, you kind of remind me of a friend I had in high school.
JANE: Did she have a brother?
AMY: Why, yes.
JANE: Oh, 'cause I have a brother and Daria--
(Quinn comes down the stairs.)
QUINN: Oh. Hey, Aunt Amy.
AMY: How are you, Quinn? (Looks around as if she's missing something.)
QUINN: Good. Hey! Are you glowing?
AMY: (Suddenly embarrassed.) Huh?
QUINN: I recognize that glow! That glow can only mean one thing!
AMY: (Trying to hide it.) I don't know what you're talking about...
QUINN: Is that a new dress?
AMY: Oh, uh, you like it?
QUINN: Oh, *God* no! But you must, since I always get that glow when I buy
something I like.
AMY: (Decides she'd better go along.) I see... yeah... yeah, that's it.
CUT TO: INT. DARIA'S ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT.
(Daria is at her desk, drawing her family tree. Near the bottom she draws
a line from the HELEN and JAKE boxes and puts a DARIA box and a QUINN box.)
CUT TO: INT. QUINN'S ROOM.
(Quinn is also making her family tree. She draws a line from the HELEN
and JAKE boxes and, after a moment's hesitation, draws only a QUINN box.)
CUT TO: INT. LANE HOUSE, THE NEXT MORNING.
(Jane is eating a sandwich with orange juice when Trent enters the
kitchen and goes to the fridge.)
JANE: Trent, where's Mom and Dad?
TRENT: Czechoslovakia and the Bahamas. Or maybe it's the other way around.
JANE: Oh. Well, do you think you could go to Parents' night for me? You're
old enough to be a legal guardian.
TRENT: Me? Go back to Lawndale High?
JANE: Please? It's either that or suspension.
TRENT: Aw, hell, I guess. (Drinks milk out of the carton.)
JANE: Thanks! But... Eww!
CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, A LITTLE LATER.
(Amy is mixing fruits in a blender, when Helen runs by.)
AMY: Helen, have you--
HELEN: Amy, I need you to do a favor for me. I've got dinner with Eric
and a client tonight and Jake's working late, so can you go to Parents'
Night for me? Thanks!
(Out the door.)
AMY: Morning to you too, Sis.
AMY: 'Morning Quinn, have you seen--
QUINN: (Passes through without stopping.) Hi Aunt Amy, bye Aunt Amy!
(Amy sighs. Jake enters, sipping from a cup of coffee.)
AMY: Jake, have you by any chance--
JAKE: (Glances at the clock, spit take.) *Gaah!!* Why didn't anyone *TELL*
me it was 8:00 already?!? (Runs out.)
(Amy closes her eyes, puts a hand to her head. Daria enters.)
DARIA: What's wrong, Amy?
AMY: (*Finally* someone who'll listen!) Daria! I don't suppose you've seen--
DARIA: That's Jane. (And she's out.)
AMY: ...my purse?
DISSOLVE TO: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH, EVENING.
CUT TO: INT. MR DeMARTINO'S ROOM.
(DeMartino is talking to Trent.)
DeMARTINO: Your SISter's progress in my class is SATISFACTORY, I'm happy
TRENT: Cool. Glad to hear that.
DeMARTINO: Certainly not the BEST student in her class, but it's REASSURING
to know that she's putting in a lot more EFFORT than certain RELATIVES
I can recall struggling FUtilely to educate BEFORE HER!
CUT TO: INT. MR O'NEILL'S ROOM.
(Mr O'Neill is talking to Amy.)
O'NEILL: Daria is one of the brightest students in my class, but she's
got such a negative attitude toward everything. Does her obsession with
death scare you?
AMY: Nah, I think that's just a point of view of the sickeningly
O'NEILL: (Stung.) Oh. Now, her cousin Quinn, on the other hand, is quite
perky and enthusiastic, but she really needs to apply herself more.
AMY: I'm sorry, did you say cousin?
O'NEILL: Why... yes! (Looks a bit confused.) They are cousins, aren't they?
(Before Amy can respond, Linda Griffin interrupts.)
LINDA: Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing. Are you by any chance
related to Quinn Morgendorffer?
AMY: I'm her aunt.
LINDA: I'm Linda Griffin, Sandi's mother.
AMY: Oh yeah, Sandi, Quinn's friend. Nice to meet you, Linda. (Holds out
her hand. Linda doesn't shake it.)
LINDA: (Smug smirk.) Sandi's president of the Fashion Club. I'm so proud
AMY: Yeah, Quinn's the vice-president. I hear they're quite popular.
LINDA: Yes, the students just can't get *enough* of my Sandi. She really
takes after me. Why, when I was her age I used to have to shake people
off with a *stick* just to get to my classes.
AMY: (Dry.) I carried a stick around in high school too. But I just used
it to hit people who were blocking my way. LINDA: You weren't very popular, were you?
AMY: (Shrugs.) Nah, not really. But... best to leave the past behind
and focus on the present, right?
LINDA: Of course! It's like, sure I used to be a news anchor, and I once
interviewed Rosalynn Carter, but that was twenty years ago. Best to
focus on the here-and-now.
AMY: No kidding? What do you do now?
LINDA: I'm a-- (Mumbles quickly.) --marketing-VP-at-a-TV-station. (Normal
voice.) But it's just as good! I mean, I'm not on the air anymore
interviewing First Ladies, but it's very prestigious and I get a lot of
AMY: (Senses nostalgic tirade is imminent from this woman.) Fascinating.
You really should tell me about it sometime. Listen, I gotta go talk to
my nieces' science teacher. Nice meeting you, Linda, Mr O'Neill. (Walks
LINDA: Bye! Let me know if you want a tape of my interview!
O'NEILL: (To himself.) They're not cousins?
CUT TO: INT. MS BARCH'S ROOM.
(Ms Barch is making Trent write "I will be a better role model" over
and over again on the chalkboard.)
TRENT: Ms Barch, I really don't see the point of this.
BARCH: Shut up and write, you bottom-feeding scum.
AMY: (Reading off schedule of classes.) Ms... Barch?
(Trent looks over at Amy, goes bug-eyed and drops the chalk. Amy looks
back at him and her jaw drops.)
BARCH: Hah! You dropped the chalk! Now you have to erase the board and
start all over!
(Hold on Amy and Trent, jaws agape.)
(...la-la LA la la...)
END ACT I.
(12 OR 13 STUPID-ASS COMMERCIALS.)
BEGIN ACT II.
FADE IN: EXT. COLONIAL VILLAGE SQUARE. NIGHT.
(Picking up where the flashback left off. Phineas walks up to the post
where the pyre was set up. Other villagers help him tie up the woman, who
has brown curly hair and looks to be about forty. Phineas removes her
blindfold and steps aside, taking out a piece of paper. A few villagers
hurl stones at the bound woman.)
PHINEAS: (Reading from paper.) Mrs Laura Barksdale, you are hereby being
put on trial on suspicion of being a witch. We will test your purity by
burning you at the stake. If you survive, it proves that you are a
witch, and we will hang you. If you don't survive, you will receive a
public apology from us all.
LAURA: How dare you! People! Can't you see how wrong this is? Don't you
realize we are only repeating the mistakes made by the people of Salem?
(The villagers just yell at her furiously. They all step aside as the
man in severe black garb strides up, holding a torch.)
PHINEAS: Greetings, Mr Godspeed.
GODSPEED: (Nods.) Phineas.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH CAFETERIA, EVENING.
(Amy and Trent, a few minutes after we left them before. The two help
themselves to the cookies and punch set out for Parents' Night.)
TRENT: Thanks for getting Barch off my back. (Shudders.) That brought back
a lot of bad memories of this place.
AMY: No problem. (Beat.) You're a little young to have a kid in high
school, aren't you?
TRENT: Nah, I'm here for my sister Janey. Parents are outta town.
(The two make their way to a table as far from the other milling
Lawndalians as possible.)
AMY: (Sits down, trying to find a place to begin.) So...
(Silence, awkward in the extreme.)
VOICE: (Off-camera, noticing the tension.) Hey, c'mon, *relax* you two!
(Amy and Trent are joined by Michele Landon. Trent, startled, chokes on
the punch he's sipping and has one of his coughing fits.)
MICHELE: You're out of the house, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself!
(To Trent.) You okay?
(Still coughing, Trent nods.)
TRENT: Yeah. (Coughs.) So... you don't leave the house much either, huh?
MICHELE: Well, Andrew's got that inventor's convention of his in Hawaii --
lucky bastard -- so I'm stuck at home with the baby, isn't that *always*
(At the mention of "the baby", Amy and Trent exchange guilty looks.)
MICHELE: (Continues.) So I figure any excuse to leave Evan with the girls
and get out for a couple of hours works for me. (Introduces herself.) I'm
Michele Landon, Jodie's mother? (She says it like she naturally expects
them to know who Jodie is.)
AMY: (Introduces herself.) Amy Barksdale. (Grateful for the change of
subject.) So, your husband's in Hawaii?
MICHELE: Mm-hmm, we were all set to go together last year for our 20th
anniversary, and then Evan comes along -- not that I have any sort of
issues about that, mind you. I figure we'll shoot again for our 25th.
Have you ever been there?
AMY: Just went this year. Oahu, Kauai and the big one. Where's your husband
MICHELE: The convention's near Komonawannaleiya Beach. (This time both
Amy and Trent choke on the punch.) Are you okay?
TRENT: (Coughing, takes a deep breath.) Oh, yeah, fine.
AMY: (Also takes a breath.) What did you say the beach was called?
TRENT: Jesus, what a name.
MICHELE: You been there?
AMY: Not that beach in particular. But quite a few others. You ever been
to Hawaii, Trent?
TRENT: (Shakes his head.) Mom and Dad've gone a few times. Brought me back
a ukulele once.
AMY: It's as far from hell on earth as you can get. Scenery's gorgeous,
the people are always friendly. Though I admit I did feel a little out-of-
place in the more remote sections of Kauai -- Some places it's almost all
Japanese tourists. (Smiles, lets Michele know she's joking with what she's
about to say.) Guess that's how African-Americans must feel about Lawndale?
MICHELE: (Laughs.) Oh, *amen* to that, sister! All the *time*! (Claps Amy
on the shoulder. Beat. Curious:) Say, I've never heard Jodie mention any
Barksdales before, is your family new in town?
AMY: No, I'm here for my nieces. I'm Helen Morgendorffer's sister.
MICHELE: (Her smile becomes a frown.) Morgendorffer. (Beat.) *Helen*
(Abruptly and coldly, Michele stands and leaves.)
AMY: (Confused.) *What*? What did I *say*? (Looks to Trent for an answer.)
TRENT: (Wide-eyed.) You're... you're related to the Morgendorffers?? As in
AMY: (Nods.) Mm-hmm, I'm Daria and Quinn's aunt. (Beat.) Why?
TRENT: Oh man. (Beat, closes his eyes as the full impact hits.) Oh, *man*!
AMY: (Sardonic.) So you know Daria, I take it.
TRENT: Yeah, she's... she's my sister's best friend...!
AMY: (Can tell there's more.) Aaand...?
TRENT: And, er--... well, I think she's pretty cool too.
AMY: "Pretty cool."
TRENT: (Bit defensive.) Yeah.
AMY: (Understands what he's trying to say.) Yeah...
(Again, the silence, awkward.)
TRENT: ...So... what exactly happened last night?
AMY: (Looks embarrassed.) You mean you don't remember?
TRENT: Sort of. I mean, I remember meeting you and all, but I was pretty
out of it.
AMY: (Gives him an odd look.) You only had two drinks.
TRENT: (Defensive.) I had one at the Zen and another with the guys before!
AMY: (Holds up hands, placating.) Didn't mean anything by it.
TRENT: (Presses.) So what happened?
AMY: Wwwellll... I was in the bar... You came over... we talked, had a
couple of drinks...
AMY: Went back to your place...
TRENT: (Eyes widening.) Uh-huh...
AMY: ...got undressed... got... into bed... and...
AMY: (Embarrassed both for herself and for him.) And... then... you fell
TRENT: (Hand to his head.) Oh, *MAN*!! (Beat.) Wait... Was that before or
after we... you know...?
AMY: (Hesitates.) Uh, *during*.
TRENT: (Long pause, mouth open.) Oh, **MAN**!!
AMY: (Nods.) Uh-huh.
CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, NIGHT.
(Amy enters through the front door and, seeing that the surrounding rooms
are dark, moves up the stairs as quietly as possible. She's nearing the
top when a light comes on and she's face-to-face with Daria and Quinn, in
AMY: Oh! (Jumps, puts her hand over her heart.) Daria, Quinn, you scared me!
DARIA: Parents' Night run a little late?
QUINN: That's twice in a row now, Aunt Amy.
AMY: (Looks guilty.) I know, I'm sorry girls, I'm as bad as your mother.
DARIA: (Dry.) Oh, no. That takes *years* of practice. Anyway, Amy, I was
QUINN: (Interrupts.) We're supposed to do a stupid family tree thing for
English class-- (Glares.) --'cause *Daria* went and suggested it to Mr
O'Neill! Only Mom's always too busy and whenever we ask Dad about his side
of the family he always gets really mad, and one time he even punched the
AMY: (Understands, also wants to shut Quinn up.) I'd be happy to, girls.
DARIA: Preferably from a cynical, estranged black-sheep perspective.
AMY: (Smiles.) Of course.
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM.
(Daria and Quinn are seated on opposite ends on the couch. Amy pulls down
a photo album from one of the bookshelves, blows some dust off it, comes
over and sits between them. Gives an uncomfortable look at Daria, who
AMY: This had lots of old pictures in it when we were growing up. (Opens
album.) I guess we'll start with the Barksdale sisters and go back as far
as I know... the mid-1700s or so.
QUINN: Okay, but I only want to know about *cute* ancestors, not the old
ugly ones, and not if they did anything like killed a bunch of Indians
or something, that would really make me look bad to Sandi.
AMY: (Turns page to a close-up of young Amy, Helen and Rita with Mom
Barksdale.) You know Grandma B already... and Aunt Ellie. (Smiles.)
Ellie used to tell the *best* Great Depression stories.
DARIA: (Deadpan.) Awright, here we go.
AMY: I'll give you what little I know about your dad's side too.
DARIA: Actually, you know he's not my real father[*], don't you, Amy?
AMY: (Shocked.) *What*?!
DARIA: Yeah, she met my real Dad during a brief separation from Jake in 1981.
(Amy looks at Daria with stunned silence. Quinn rolls her eyes and gives an
irritated little sigh.)
DARIA: I'm joking. (Smirks, but finds it a bit odd Amy didn't pick up.)
QUINN: God you're gullible, Aunt Amy! Who would ever believe *that*?!
AMY: (Embarrassed, tries to change the subject.) Um, speaking of Tr-*Jake*,
did you know one of his ancestors was a colonel in the Revolutionary War?
AMY: (Nods.) Lots of famous ancestors in the Morgendorffer lineage.
DARIA: (To Quinn, serious this time.) Didn't Mom say one of them had an
affair with the queen of France?
(Amy squirms uncomfortably, looks guilty.)
QUINN: Yeah, I think so. Some country, anyway.
DARIA: (Notices her aunt.) Are you okay, Amy?
[*] Reference to Michelle Klein-Hass' "Father of Mine".
--C.E. Forman, who sees this as a running joke which could conceivably be
kept up for a looooooong time!
CUT TO: EXT. LANE RESIDENCE, THE NEXT MORNING.
(Daria, wearing her backpack, rings the doorbell. Jane, still in bedclothes,
DARIA: Up and at 'em, soldier.
JANE: (Sleepy-eyed.) Mmff. Be ready in a minute. (Indicates the kitchen.)
Trent got donuts, help yourself. (Heads upstairs.)
DARIA: Such inspiring breakfast lives you lead.
JANE: (Turns, on stairs.) Careful, he's acting really weird this morning.
DARIA: Weird? How?
JANE: Well, for starters... he's awake.
CUT TO: INT. LANES' KITCHEN.
(Daria helps herself to a donut as Trent enters from downstairs.)
TRENT: (Stops in his tracks as he sees her.) Umm... hey, Daria.
DARIA: 'Morning, Trent.
TRENT: Uh... 'morning.
DARIA: (Sees Jane's not kidding about the acting weird.) So... how'd the
Zen concert go?
DARIA: Mm. Sorry I missed out. I wanted to be there for my aunt's visit.
She's really cool. For an adult, that is.
TRENT: Uh... yeah. I mean... really?
DARIA: Of course, then she shows up two hours late.
TRENT: (For once *he's* the one nervous around *her*!) You... uh, want some
milk with that? (Points at the donut.)
DARIA: (Already at the fridge, opens it, takes out carton.) That's okay,
I've got it.
TRENT: No! Wait! (Sees he startled Daria.) I mean-- (Takes carton from
Daria, pulls an unopened one out of the fridge.) ...I drank out of that
one. (Hands it to her.) Here.
(Daria gives him the strangest look. Trent swallows uncomfortably.)
CUT TO: INT. JANE'S ROOM.
(Jane is putting on her earrings. But she drops one and it lands in an open
can of paint.)
JANE: Aww, dammit. (Goes to the door, calls downstairs.) Yo, Trent! Can I
borrow one of your earrings? (Waits for reply. Calls again.) Trent, can you
hear me? Did you fall asleep again?
(She gives an irritated sigh and steps into the hallway.)
CUT TO: INT. TRENT'S ROOM.
(Jane enters, looks around for a spare earring, finds one on a bed table.
She's about to put it on when she also notices -- and bends over and picks
up -- a *purse*.)
JANE: (To herself, aloud.) Well, big brother, *this* is a side of you I've
never seen before.
(She glances around to make sure he's not in the doorway, then opens
it and fishes out a coin purse. Opening this, she takes out a small card.
Fast zoom-in, revealing it's a driver's license with a woman's photo and
the name Amy Barksdale. Another dip into the coin purse produces a photo
of... Daria! One of her class photos, as seen in "The Misery Chick".)
JANE: (Adds two and two. Absolutely *stunned*.) Oh. My. *God*.
CUT TO: INT. LANES' KITCHEN.
(The awkward interplay between Trent and Daria continues. Daria eats her
donut, Trent just stands there and watches her. Neither of them talks.)
DARIA: Trent, is something wrong?
TRENT: No! Nothing at all!
DARIA: 'Kay, just making sure.
(Another awkward silence.)
JANE: (Pokes her head in through the doorway.) Trent?
TRENT: (Startled.) Wha--!!
JANE: Can I talk to you in private for a minute?
TRENT: Uh, sure.
JANE: Daria, when you're done eating, can you wait outside for me please?
DARIA: (Something's fishy.) O-kay.
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM.
(Jane and Trent enter from the kitchen.)
JANE: (Shows Trent Amy's purse.) Trent, could you explain this?
TRENT: Oh, uh, *that*. Umm... have you already looked inside?
TRENT: Okay, then there's no point in lying.
JANE: Was Amy Barksdale here, Trent?
TRENT: Two nights ago.
TRENT: (Feels like he's getting grilled here!) Well, see, we met at a bar,
JANE: No, I don't.
TRENT: Well, we came back here... C'mon, you know what I'm getting at...
JANE: You... *scored* with Daria's aunt??
TRENT: Well, I-- Jeez, cut me some slack, Janey! I didn't know who she
was at the time! She was just a one-night stand!
JANE: (Throws up her hands.) Great! Just *perfect*! What am I going to tell
TRENT: Don't tell her.
TRENT: She doesn't know, and she doesn't have to know. At least not yet.
JANE: So, what, you want me to just... keep quiet about this?
TRENT: Yes! Please?! Believe me, I think it's for the best.
(Close-up, Jane's worried face.)
CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK.
(Daria and Jane are walking to school. Jane gives Daria the same nervous
look Trent did.)
DARIA: You're right, Trent *is* acting weird.
DARIA: (Stops in her tracks, stares at Jane.) *That* made sense. (Beat,
she starts walking again.) Weirdness isn't contagious, is it?
JANE: I'm fine, I'm just... er... not completely awake yet. (Quick change
of subject.) So how's your paper coming?
DARIA: Pretty well, actually. Last night my Aunt Amy--
JANE: (Changes the subject again.) So, uh, had any good Quinn stories
DARIA: (Gives Jane another odd look.) Well, the other night she was dating
two guys at the same time, and somehow managed to keep both of them from
finding out about the other--
JANE: (Doesn't like where this is going either.) Um, wanna just walk in
silence for awhile?
DARIA: (Getting suspicious of *something*.) Okayyy...
(They walk a little further.)
DARIA: So... has Trent said anything about me lately?
(Jane gets a "hooboy" expression.)
CUT TO: INT. LANE RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM.
(Trent paces around a bit, then sits on the couch and calls the
Morgendorffer's house. Amy answers. Cut to split screen between Trent
AMY: Morgendorffer residence.
TRENT: Uh, hi, can I please speak to Amy?
AMY: This is she.
TRENT: Hey, uh, it's Trent.
AMY: (This is a surprise!) Umm, hey.
TRENT: Listen, Amy, we gotta talk.
CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP.
(Trent and Amy sit with cups of coffee, Amy now having her purse back.
The place is semi-crowded; the clock on the wall says it's 12:30.)
AMY: Thanks for bringing me my purse. I don't know what I'd do without my
wallet and everything.
TRENT: No problem. Amy, this is getting really weird. Whenever I'm around
Daria I get all nervous, like she knows about what happened.
AMY: Yeah, me too.
TRENT: But she doesn't know about what happened. Except that my sister
does, and I told her not to tell, but what if she does?
AMY: Well, I don't know, but... what *if* Daria finds out?
TRENT: I don't know.
AMY: I mean, think about it. You and I were both consenting adults, right?
I didn't know who you were, and you didn't know who I was. We were just
two people who liked each other, got a little drunk, and went and did it
because it was fun.
TRENT: Hmm. When you put it that way...
AMY: If anything, I'm the one who should be worried. I'm her aunt, I
should be the one setting the example. Who are you? You're just her
TRENT: I know! But... I just don't want her to think I'm some freak now.
AMY: (Expression softens.) You really care about her, don't you?
TRENT: Uh... Like I said, I think she's cool.
AMY: Just... cool?
TRENT: (Squirming.) Yeah.
AMY: Trent, let me ask you something. Remember when you said I reminded
you of someone, and you couldn't picture who?
TRENT: Sort of.
AMY: Well, could it be Daria that I reminded you of?
TRENT: Hmm. Never gave it much thought.
AMY: I think it was. Because Daria takes after me. And I have a feeling
you think she's more than just "cool".
TRENT: Well-- Yeah, okay, maybe I *am* a little attracted to her. But she's
in high school!
TRENT: So, I dunno, it's just weird. And I don't even know if she likes
me or not. I just don't want things to change between us if she finds out
AMY: If she does find out, I should be the one to talk to her about it.
TRENT: Okay. But... (Leans over the table, quietly.) ...if you do talk to
her about it, don't mention my... y'know, sleepy problem.
AMY: (Lopsided smile.) Okie dokie.
CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH, CAFETERIA.
(At the same time, Jane and Daria sit at their table, alone as usual.)
DARIA: (Angry, slams fists on the table.) They *WHAT*??!
JANE: The school named the east wing Tommy Sherman Hall. Apparently they
thought just a goalpost wasn't enough for the lamented school hero. DARIA: Let's hope Mr
name it "Sheridan" by mistake like he
did last time.
JANE: Nah, let's hope they do.
DARIA: Yeah, that bastard doesn't deserve this kind of special treatment.
(They eat in silence for a while.)
DARIA: Jane, what the hell is going on?
JANE: What do you mean?
DARIA: Both you and Trent have been acting weird today. Every time I bring
up him, or Amy, or anything related to, well, *anything*, you change the
subject. Are you hiding something from me?
DARIA: Are you sure? 'Cause I never keep anything from you. We're best
JANE: Yeah, well... (Sighs.) Daria, can I ask you something?
JANE: (Chooses her words carefully.) If Trent had a girlfriend, how would
DARIA: (Devastated.) Trent has a girlfriend???
JANE: No! No, he doesn't! But let's say there's this one girl who you
think is like, really cool, and Trent had, like, a... thing with her.
DARIA: A "thing".
JANE: Yeah, a thing.
DARIA: Like, an affair, you mean?
JANE: Yeah. How would that make you feel?
DARIA: Jeez, I don't know. I guess I'd be upset, but it's his life. Who
is this really cool girl you're talking about? Anyone I know?
JANE: (Hooboy!) You might.
CUT TO: INT. QUINN'S ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT.
(Quinn, looking a bit worried, dials the cordless. Split the screen,
showing her and Sandi.)
QUINN: (Fake-amiable.) *Hiii*, Sandi!
SANDI: Oooh, hey, Quinn. (Snide.) Need some wardrobe tips?
QUINN: (Takes offense, but decides to let it pass.) Um, actually Sandi I
was wondering if I could ask your opinion on that English assignment?
SANDI: (Amused.) Oohhh, so now you're like, all *concerned* or whatever
about school, like a brain or something? (Sarcastic.) Gee, I hope you're
not going to walk *out* on the Fashion Club, that would be soooo bad, if
QUINN: (Not quite sure how to react.) No, of *course* not, Sandi! I was
just wondering, um, on your family tree... did you put your brothers on it?
SANDI: (Haughty.) Of course.
QUINN: But... why?
SANDI: Because they're my *brothers*. And even though they're both little twerps and they
embarrass me, I'm *not* so deceptive as to try and
like, *hide* it from my friends.
QUINN: (Ouch.) Um, thanks, Sandi.
SANDI: (Insincere.) Any time, Quinn. (Beat.) Later.
(Hang up. Quinn sits on her bed for a moment, the worry deepening.)
CUT TO: INT. DARIA'S ROOM.
(Daria is filling in more of her family tree.)
QUINN: (Knocks, enters.) Daria? I need a favor.
DARIA: (Without looking up.) Sorry, Quinn, I'm fresh out of lip gloss.
QUINN: I was wondering... um, could you maybe not put my name on your
family tree thing for Mr O'Neill's class?
DARIA: Might this have something to do with your deep, vehement
embarrassment of being directly related to one of Lawndale's biggest
QUINN: (Without hesitation.) Yes.
DARIA: Nnnno. (Turns back to her work.)
QUINN: (Takes a wad of bills from her pocket.) All right, name your price.
DARIA: (Turns.) Eighty.
DARIA: Pizza King raised the cost of pepperoni.
QUINN: There is no *way* I'm paying you eighty dollars for this!
DARIA: (Knows she's won.) Fine. Guess you'll just have to introduce your
fashion friends to the intellectually-gifted sibling you've been hiding
from them all this time.
QUINN: All *right*, I'll give you twenty!
QUINN: (Disgusted, gives in.) *Fine*, eighty! (Looks at Daria's chart, as
if expecting her to go to work.)
DARIA: In advance.
QUINN: Goddammit, Daria! (But she digs out the money and pays her.)
DARIA: (Smirks, taking it.) Thanks... *Sis*.
(Quinn lets out a frustrated little sigh. Daria flips her pencil over.
Close-up of her family tree as she erases the "Quinn" box.)
(...la-la LA la la...)
END ACT II.
(12 OR 13 *MORE* STUPID-ASS COMMERCIALS, MANY OF WHICH ARE THE *SAME*
STUPID-ASS COMMERCIALS AS SHOWN DURING THE *LAST* SET OF 12 OF 13
BEGIN ACT III.
FADE IN: EXT. COLONIAL VILLAGE SQUARE. NIGHT.
(Laura tied to the stake, with Phineas and Godspeed as before.)
LAURA: (Desperate.) People! Please listen to me! Robert Godspeed is evil!
He is just leading you on like sheep! He is no man of God! It is he who
should be burned alive!
GODSPEED: Tisk tisk, Barksdale. The good people need not listen to a
heathen witch like you!
(With that, he sets the torch to the stack of wood at her feet and the
flames roar up.)
LAURA: (Screaming, as she is being burned alive.) You will pay for this,
Phineas Morgendorffer! I hereby curse your whole family! Years from now,
you and I will be joined by blood and your descendants will suffer!
PHINEAS: (Turns to Godspeed, in a voice very much like Jake when he is
afraid.) Do you... think she really means that?
GODSPEED: Difficult to say. But just to be safe, I think it best that we
banish you from Middleton, along with her family.
PHINEAS: (Shocked.) *What*???
(Close-up on Laura. Lightning flashes, dramatic effect.)
LAURA: (To a person in the crowd.) Maureen! Keep the legacy alive! Don't
be like everybody else! Think for yourself!
PHINEAS: (Like Jake when he's shot down, pathetic) Darnit!
(The crowd cheers as Laura burns, and we focus on the young girl from the
opening scene, who is not cheering. She stands expressionless, watching.
The fire reflects off her large glasses.)
DISSOLVE TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM.
(Amy sits with the four Morgendorffers on the couches.)
QUINN: (Wide-eyed as Amy finishes the story.) They burned her *alive*?!
JAKE: Oh my *God*! Helen, did you *know* about this? Howcome you never
HELEN: (Irritated.) Jake, I told you this story at least three times before!
Besides, it's *your* family too, didn't your parents ever mention it?
JAKE: (Scowls, on his "Mad Dog" kick again.) Ohhh, that's *all* my father
ever did! *Always* bragging about the-- (Sing-song, mocking.) --GREAT
MORGENDORFFER LINEAGE, never missed an opportunity to put down little
Jakey, he'd *never* be able to live up to his *ANCESTORS*!
QUINN: (Horrified.) *Eeeewww*, just imagine what all that heat must've
done to her hair!
JAKE: (Practically shouting.) Okay, so maybe I *didn't* fly a plane during
World War II! Maybe I *haven't* discovered any lost tombs in Egypt! And
maybe I *wasn't* a Revolutionary War colonel who burned a witch at the--
(Beat, now he sees what Helen meant.) Oh, *now* I remember, honey!
QUINN: And her *clothes*!
AMY: (Mostly to Daria now, since no one else is listening.) Laura Barksdale
may or may not have been a witch, but her prophecy certainly came true.
(Flashback dissolve, with Amy's voice-over. Maureen is leading the remains
of the Barksdale family from Middleton, with Phineas and his group close
behind, all under Godspeed's watch.)
AMY: (VO.) Maureen kept the family name through her marriage and passed
along her bleak, cynical view of the world to one family member per
JAKE: (VO.) I always knew Daria's behavior wasn't our fault.
HELEN: (VO.) *Jake!*
DARIA: (VO.) What happened to Phineas?
AMY: (VO.) He moved further north, raised his family, and tried to forget
Laura, Godspeed, and the whole affair.
(Flash-forward to Middleton College, circa 1968, Jake and Helen on campus
together in their hippie getup.)
AMY: (VO.) But as Laura predicted, the Barksdales and the Morgendorffers
were reunited almost two centuries later, on the same ground in Middleton
where Laura's execution took place.
(Flash-forward to the present.)
JAKE: (Realizes, delighted.) Heyyy, Middleton College! Our old alma mater!
QUINN: Not to mention her *skin*! Ick!
DARIA: (To Amy, weary of her family.) So... is this curse on them?
(Indicates the other three.) ...Or *me*?
(Amy smirks and is about to return her own comment, but is interrupted by
the phone ringing.)
DARIA: (Answers it.) Hello?
(Split-screen, Daria and... Trent!)
TRENT: Um-- (Realizes who he's talking to, disguises his voice.) I-is Amy
DARIA: Who is this?
QUINN: If that's Mark, tell him I'm going out with Rick tonight.
TRENT: This is... um... (Makes up a name.) ...Joel.[*]
DARIA: (Hands phone over, curious expression.) It's for you, Amy. It's
AMY: Hello? (Beat, she becomes alarmed. Sotto voice, insistent.) What are
you *doing* calling me here? Haven't you ever heard of discretion?
TRENT: Um, I think they played at the last Alternapalooza--
AMY: (Checks Daria's reaction.) Look, Tr-- Joel...
TRENT: I just think we need to talk.
AMY: About what? What more is there to talk about?
TRENT: I dunno, I've been thinking and... I just feel really guilty not
AMY: (Nervous look at Daria.) Look, I can't discuss this right now. I've
DARIA: (Understands.) Uh, I'll be upstairs, Aunt Amy.
(She heads up the stairs. Helen takes Jake's arm and pulls him into the
kitchen, out of earshot. Quinn stands and is about to follow Daria when
Amy grabs her by the back of her midriff shirt. She turns, confused.
Amy motions for her to stay.)
AMY: (Into phone.) I'll call you right back, okay? Bye. (Hangs up.) Quinn,
can I talk to you, for a second?
QUINN: Uh, sure, what's up?
AMY: I kind of need some advice.
QUINN: *Yes*! I knew you'd realize your wardrobe was almost as bad as my
sister's! Oh, wow, I don't even know where to begin! Let's start with the
AMY: No, not a fashion thing. A guy thing.
QUINN: There's a guy you like? Well, for starters, you've *gotta* have a
makeover. I mean, look at you!
AMY: No, no, Quinn, please, listen to me! My problem is, I had a *thing*
with this one guy, Trent, who turns out to be--
QUINN: (Interrupting.) --Daria's weird friend's brother?
AMY: Oh. You know.
QUINN: Yeah, I met him a couple times. Kinda cute, but he dresses like a
freak! I think Daria likes him, though.
AMY: You... think so?
QUINN: ("Duh!") It's so obvious! The way she blushed and ran to her room
when he called her that one time, and the way she mentions him... I swear,
I'd think she was a lesbian if I didn't know about *him*.
AMY: (Surprised.) Oh.
QUINN: So, wait, you said you had a *thing* with him?
AMY: Yeah, the night I came late was because I met him at a bar and we went
to his place.
QUINN: Eww!! Aunt Amy, how could you? I mean, God, he's so-- Ugh!!
AMY: (Getting sick of her comments.) That's enough, Quinn. The thing is,
knowing how Daria feels about him, and knowing his relationship to her and
Jane, I don't know what to do. I don't think Daria should find out, but I
don't think I can go on hiding it.
QUINN: Have you talked to Trent about it?
AMY: Yes. In fact, that was Trent who just called. I think he wants to
talk some more.
QUINN: Well, I guess you should talk to him about it.
AMY: I don't know if there's anything left to say.
QUINN: Maybe there is. I mean, this is a hole you dug yourself into, you
have to figure out how to escape from it.
AMY: Hmm.. You're right, Quinn. I think I will go talk to him about it.
Thanks for the advice.
QUINN: (Looks down at the floor.) Thanks. It's... something I should follow
AMY: Really? How so?
QUINN: (Evasive.) Um, never mind.
AMY: Well, anyway, I'm going to go see Trent right now.
QUINN: Go for it.
AMY: (Gets up and leaves.) See ya.
[*] This one's for Kara "Driven" Wild, whose stories feature a significant
other on Amy's life, named Joel.
--That Thing You C.E.
(Okay, that was *really* strained, I admit it!)
CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY.
(Quinn walks to Daria's room and opens the door.)
(There's no one there. Quinn runs into her mother exiting her room.)
QUINN: Mom, have you seen Daria?
HELEN: She went over to her friend's house. Why?
QUINN: (Fast zoom in on her face.) Oh, sh--
CUT TO: EXT. LANE HOUSE.
JANE: (Voice, IMMEDIATELY when scene cuts.) --It's you!
CUT TO: INT. LANE HOUSE.
(Jane greets Amy at the doorway.)
JANE: What are you doing here?
DARIA: (Off-screen.) Yes, Amy, what *are* you doing here?
(Zoom out, we see that Daria's already in the living room, so is Trent.)
AMY: I, uh...
DARIA: Is something up? First Jane and Trent start acting weird all day,
then Trent calls us at home and asks for you. (Amy and Trent exchange a
surprised look. She wasn't fooled!) Now is there something I'm not being
AMY: (Gives up.) Aw, hell, you might as well know.
DARIA: Know what?
TRENT: A few nights ago--
AMY: The night I came to town--
TRENT: Your aunt and I met in a bar, and we went to my place and, y'know...
AMY: Had sex.
(Daria's eyes dart back and forth.)
DARIA: (Flatly, trying to understand.) So... that's why you were late
AMY: Yeah. But... I didn't know who he was at the time.
TRENT: And I didn't know she was your aunt!
AMY: It was just a one-night stand!
DARIA: So, Jane, when you said Trent had a thing with some really cool
girl, this is what you were trying to tell me?
JANE: (Sighs, nods.) Yeah.
(The phone rings. Daria's the closest so she answers.)
DARIA: (Into phone.) What?
(Split screen, Quinn and Daria. Quinn has an open phone book on the kitchen
table, not being a regular dialer of the Lanes' number.)
QUINN: (Panicked.) Aunt Amy, you've gotta hide! Daria's on her way over
right now, you can't let her catch you with--
DARIA: This *is* Daria, Quinn.
(She quickly hangs up. Return full-screen on Daria.)
DARIA: (To Jane.) Jesus, you knew about this, *Quinn* knew, am I the only
one in Lawndale who *didn't*?
TRENT: We did manage to keep your parents snowed too.
AMY: (Turns, glares.) You're not helping.
TRENT: We didn't want you to know, cause we thought you'd be upset.
DARIA: (As deadpan as she can considering the news.) Why should I be upset?
I mean, come on, these things happen, right? You meet somebody, without
knowing who they are or what their relationship is to someone very
important in your life, and do it with them. Happens all the time.
(Amy and Trent exchange a look.)
TRENT: So... you're cool with this?
DARIA: Umm, not really. I think I need to be by myself for a while.
(Daria walks out the door.)
CUT TO: EXT. STREET.
(Daria walks silently, then suddenly breaks into a run. Fast zoom in on
her face, through her eyeball and to the inside of her mind. We see her
standing in the Colonial village, in front of Robert Godspeed.)
GODSPEED: Excellent work, informing your parents. Those sexual deviants
are going to pay for deceiving you.
DARIA: You said it.
(Godspeed hands Daria a torch.)
GODSPEED: Go for it, young Morgendorffer. Do the right thing.
(Daria walks to the town square where a crowd is gathered. We see Amy and
Trent tied to posts.)
AMY: Daria! Please spare us!
TRENT: We're sorry!
AMY: It was a one-time thing!
(Daria looks out over the crowd. We see the regular cast members all
dressed in Colonial garb. Brittany wears a scarlet letter "A". Kevin
still carries that stupid football.)
HELEN: BURN THEM!
LI: SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS!
UPCHUCK: THOSE PERVERTS MUST *DIE*!!
KEVIN: Will this be on the test?
AMY: (Offscreen.) Daria!
(Daria snaps out of her fantasy. She stops and turns around, sees Amy
catch up with her. They walk together.)
AMY: Daria, you're not about to tell your parents, are you?
DARIA: Jeez, I don't know! I don't know how to *take* this news! It's all
so... bizarre! My aunt and... Trent...
AMY: Look, Daria, I'm not saying what Trent and I did is right, okay? And
I'm not saying you should do what I did. You know, go to some bar and have
a one-night-stand with some guy you don't know.
DARIA: Is this something you do often?
AMY: No! In fact, I never did it before! But these things do happen, Daria,
you have to understand that. Sometimes a man and a woman meet, and there's
just an instant chemistry, you know what I'm saying?
DARIA: (Smirks.) Yeah, Trent is... pretty hot, isn't he? (Blushes a bit,
but smiles at her ability to actually admit it.)
AMY: I guess. But let me tell you, it's over between me and him.
DARIA: I hope so.
AMY: You do?
DARIA: Uh, I mean--
AMY: Relax, Daria, I know.
AMY: I mean, it *is* pretty obvious.
DARIA: Yeah, to anyone except him.
AMY: You know, when we met, he said I reminded him of someone. If you ask
me, it was you I reminded him of.
DARIA: Oh, shut up.
AMY: No, I'm serious. You and I are very much alike, you know. It's the
gene. And I think ol' Trent is into gals like us.
DARIA: Really? (Smirks.) Cool.
AMY: So, you're not going to tell anyone about this, are you?
(Zoom forward into Daria's mind and the Colonial setting within. Daria
sets the torch down.)
DARIA: (Shakes her head.) No. I can't do it. It's not worth it. I mean,
come on, I care about these people way too much!
GODSPEED: (Rising up from the back of the crowd.) Very well, Morgendorffer.
You win this round. But we *will* meet again.
DARIA: Yes. Yes, we will.
(Zoom back out to reality.)
DARIA: I won't tell, Aunt Amy.
AMY: Thank you, Daria.
DARIA: (Thinks of something.) But what about Quinn?
AMY: Quinn won't talk either. It cost me my platinum card, but her lips
(Amy and Daria walk in silence for a while.)
DARIA: Amy, can I just ask you one thing?
DARIA: (Averts her eyes, blushes furiously.) Was he... any good?
(Amy just smirks nervously. How is she gonna answer this one?)
DISSOLVE TO: INT. MR O'NEILL'S CLASSROOM. THE NEXT DAY.
(Close-ups on the individual students as they present their family trees
to the class.)
JODIE: (Holds family-tree chart, points walks through it with a pencil.)
They had my great-great grandfather Thomas Howard Landon, who later became
a conductor on the Underground Railroad. After leading more than 200 slaves
to safety he married Charlotte Hawkins, my great-great grandmother...
MACK: ...his son was Will Charles MacKenzie, who changed his name to Wilt
Chamberlain MacKenzie, and married my mother, Frances Smith...
(Jane holds up a large complicated chart diagram with lines and boxes all
over the place, some crossed out, some going to more than one person, etc.
More of a "family bush" than a family tree. Her finger moves all over it
as Mr O'Neill struggles to follow.)
JANE: ...and following Grandpa Philbert Lane's brief incestuous relationship
with Great Aunt Sophie on my mother Amanda's side (which produced cousin
Jeremy), my second-cousin twice-removed Sheila had two daughters with
cousin Ralph without even being aware they were related at the time, because
Great-Grandpa Bob had disowned Grandma Shelly 30 years earlier. (Pause.)
Now, moving on to my brother Wind's first three marriages--
O'NEILL: Um, th-that's okay, Jane. You've obviously done your research, so
how about I just give you an "A"?
(She has hers on the chalk rail of the blackboard and, as she recites her
family lineage, waves her pompoms and does a cheer.)
BRITTANY: (Chants.) Gram-pa Ger-ald Tay-Lor
Mar-ried Grand-ma Al-ice Shane,
To give us Ste-ven Tay-lor!
Who mar-ried Viv-i-an Ro-gers,
But then they were di-vorced! So
Viv went to Hol-ly-wood,
And Steve met Ash-ley-Am-ber,
So it's her and me and Steve my dad and lit-tle bro-ther Bri-an,
And we used to have a cat, but it dis-ap-peared last month!
YAAAAAAAYYYYY!! (Waves her pompoms, does split.)
KEVIN: (Stands, arms raised.) Awriiight!! Go, Babe!
STACY: ...and that's the history of the Nibbletts. (Beat.) I mean Rowes.
KEVIN: (Holds up a chart with exactly two boxes.) This is my mom. And,
uh, this here's my dad. (Beat.) Any questions?
O'NEILL: Um, Kevin? Don't you think you might have at least put *yourself*
on your family tree?
KEVIN: Oh yeah! Cool idea, Mr O! If I add myself now can I still get extra
(O'Neill hangs his head, sighs, shaking it sadly.)
DARIA: ...and they had three daughters: Helen, Rita and Amy Barksdale. The
eldest, Helen, met and married Jake Morgendorffer, and they had--
(Cut to Quinn.)
QUINN: --me. The end.
O'NEILL: (Somewhat confused.) Yes, that was a... very good presentation,
(Mr O'Neill is comparing Quinn's family tree to Daria's. The ancestries
are identical, except that Daria's has only a DARIA box, and Quinn's has
only a QUINN box. Something's odd. The bell rings, and students begin
O'NEILL: (Catches Quinn on the way out.) Quinn? May I talk to you for a
(The Fashion Club waits for her outside the door. Quinn goes to his desk.)
O'NEILL: Quinn, I'm afraid I'm a bit confused about your family tree.
(She gets an "uh-oh" look, seeing Daria's tree on the desk beside her own.)
QUINN: (Pretends not to know.) Um, what do you mean?
O'NEILL: Well, I thought I'd heard some of these names before, in an
earlier class. At first I dismissed it as my imagination, since I'm
terrible with names.
O'NEILL: (Quinn's about to interject, he raises his hand.) Oh, I *am*,
I admit it! (Nervous chuckle.) But looking closer, it seems you and your
cousin Daria both have the same family trees, with the exception of your
own names. That would make you sisters, not cousins, wouldn't it?
(The Fashion Club is listening with interest, particularly Sandi. Little
beads of sweat appear on Quinn's forehead.)
QUINN: (Finally cracks.) All *right*! I *admit* it!
(Tense beat of silence, O'Neill is startled by the outburst.) QUINN: (Half-whiny.) I went
weekend and I didn't have *time*
to do it myself so I--... I *copied* my cousin Daria's assignment! I'm
O'NEILL: (Looks crushed.) Oh, I'm not mad at you, Quinn. But... I'm afraid
I can't give you a passing grade since you didn't do your own work. (Tears
welling up, he crosses out the "A" on Quinn's project and writes an
QUINN: (Breathes a sigh of relief.) Okay, bye! (She leaves with the rest
of the Fashion Club.)
O'NEILL: (To himself, looks from Daria's paper to Quinn's, now more puzzled
than ever.) You mean they're *not* sisters?
CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK.
(Daria and Jane are walking home from school.)
JANE: You think this whole family-legacy curse thing of yours is true?
Ever wonder if you were maybe just left on your parents' doorstep by
DARIA: (Sardonic smirk.) Not anymore. Now I'm sure of it.
JANE: (Bringing up sensitive subject.) Hey, listen, I'm sorry I tried to
keep you from finding out about... you know...
DARIA: That's okay. And I promise not to retaliate by hiding all the spicy
tidbits Trent shared about Jesse.
JANE: Oh, those? Heard 'em all already.
DARIA: Even the one about Penny and Summer, together?
(Jane stops in her tracks, stares incredulously.)
DARIA: (Raises both hands placatingly.) Kidding, kidding.
(Jane gives an appreciative smile, claps her friend on the back. Resume
JANE: Did I tell you I saw O'Neill on the phone in the teachers' lounge?
He was sobbing to his therapist. Guess my epic family saga must've really
gotten to him.
DARIA: Doesn't take much. (Beat.) Y'know, with reading "The Way of All
Flesh", this whole thing's really got me thinking. I don't *have* to
accept my "role" as this generation's cynical family member. I can act
however the hell I want to, it's my choice.
(The two walk away together, down the street.)
JANE: So. This mean you're gonna quit wearing that chip on your shoulder,
and stop tearing people down all the time?
DARIA: Nah. It's too damn much fun.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. A BEDROOM IN THE FUTURE, NIGHT.
(A young boy, Travis, is tucked into his bed, and his aunt, Penny Jane,
is sitting in a chair beside him. Both wear large glasses.)
PENNY JANE: And that, Travis, is the story of how your great-great-great
aunt Daria discovered the legacy that she had inherited. The indiscretion
of Amy and Trent was never brought up again. Good night, sweetie. (Gets up
TRAVIS: Oh, come on, Aunt Penny! One more story! How about the one where
great-great-great aunt Sandi[*] became the Antichrist?
PENNY JANE: Tomorrow night, hon. (Turns off the light.)
[*] Hey, not impossible that Quinn might marry Sam or Chris somewhere
down the line.
(...la-la LA la la...)
(CLOSING MUSIC: Korn's "All in the Family")
...OR IS IT?
So, finally ends my collaborative project with C.E. Forman. I've been a
big fan of C.E.'s work for quite some time, so when he said he was
planning to do some collaborations during his hiatus before starting up
a new "season", I was among the first to jump in. (I thought I was the
only one, actually, but his collaboration with Peter Guerin preceded
This story took a while to finish; a few months, actually. Partly because
of our busy schedules up until the summer, and partly because of the hard
task of balancing these two plotlines. (Not really my strong suit; other
than "Fast Times at Lawndale High" I haven't really done much with multiple
storylines.) But it's finally done, I think it came out pretty well, and
it's been great working with him.
One of the hardest things about writing the story, actually, was coming
up with a title. Seriously, you won't believe how many ideas came and
went before we settled on "Thicker Than Water". Once again, the two
separate-yet-equal plotlines created the challenge, as we wanted a name
that had something to do with both the Amy/Trent story and the family
tree story. C.E.'s original idea was "The Wrong Way of Flesh", a play on
"The Way of All Flesh" (the Samuel Butler story that set the family tree
project in motion). Unfortunately, the more we wrote, the lamer that
title seemed. So we searched for some others, enlisting the help of the
great titlist himself, John Berry. Among the ones we came up with were:
All in the Family
Trick or Tree
Morgendorffer Genealogy Bop
Amy-one Will Do
Cousin, Can You Spare A Dime?
Together at Last, for the First Time (this one almost made it)
Finally, we just settled on "Thicker Than Water", a reference to the
saying, "blood is thicker than water." (Additionally, Amy and Trent were
"thick" for jumping into a one-night-stand like that.) I had suggested
expanding it to "Thicker Than Water or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying
and Love the Family Tree", but that seemed too long.
Lastly, though I tend to write stories that no one has really attempted
before (first Daria/South Park crossover, first Lane family prequel
story, first Daria murder mystery), this is probably my closest attempt
at a "normal" Daria episode, with no really outrageous story arcs or
psycho redhead boyfriends or telekinesis or gratuitous use of Jimbo and
Ned. Still, an Amy/Trent romance has never really been attempted before.
Hope you enjoyed our fanfic; I would like to give you a preview of my
next one, but quite frankly I have no idea what that story is or when I
will write it. (I've written eight stories in two years. I may be the
longest-running Daria fanfic writer, but I'm not nearly the hardest-
*Whew!* Talk about a tough script to write.
Danny and I passed this little epic back and forth about a half-dozen
times over a period of months before we felt we really had it nailed
down. That makes the end result quite an amalgamation of our styles.
We'd touch up each others' scenes a bit, sometimes I suggested a scene
and Danny wrote it, sometimes the other way around, and sometimes we
just picked up the threads the other had left and just sort of ran
with them. I think we both had a sense of where the story was headed,
though, and I'm personally very pleased with the result. Danny's a
really funny guy, great to work with.
Giving credit where credit's due, the Robert Godspeed character is
the creation of Lawndale Commons' Michelle Klein-Hass, from her story
"So Turns the Wheel". Danny and I decided early on that we wanted to
explore Daria's "cynic gene" I brought up in "Alienation Legacy", and
one of us (honestly, it was so long ago I don't recall who) suggested
a curse on Daria's family. Well for that we'd need a witch scene, but
I also wanted to use Phineas T Morgendorffer (mentioned on MTV's Helen
page). So we needed a reason for a 1700's witch-hunt, and anyway it
should be the *Barksdale* side of the family that's cursed since
that's what Amy said in "Legacy". Danny suggested borrowing Godspeed
and the whole thing sort of fell together quite nicely. I really hope
Michelle doesn't mind.
Trent and *Amy*, now that's a first. (God I hope we haven't just
started a trend here.) Being the show-stickler that I am, I admit I
wasn't entirely comfortable with this at first, but having previously
worked with Peter Guerin on another fanfic outside the MTV continuity,
I finally just shrugged and went with it. Besides, I figured, it'll
probably make the 'shippers mad. The Amy fans too, I expect, won't
be too fond of seeing Da Bomb doing something stupid. But don't send
your hate-mail to me, it was Danny's idea. B-)
P.S. New season of all-C.E. fanfics beginning in late August!
Send all questions, comments, criticisms, fan-art, etc. to:
Send all gifts, cash, personal checks, money orders, credit cards,
6823 N Terra Vista #706
Peoria, IL 61614
[Disclaimer: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV
Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc., and are used here
without permission for the purpose of fan fiction. I suppose if you
represent MTV's legal department you could sue, but think about it,
what's it really going to get you? I mean, *we* sure don't have any
money, and there's like fifty other people writing these fan stories,
so you might as well just live with it and maybe learn to appreciate
the fact that your show has such a loyal, dedicated legion of fans who
care enough to write things like this. Of course, you *could* just
hire us and that'd solve your problem nicely too.]
[This "Daria" fanfic story is copyright 1999 by Danny Bronstein and
C.E. Forman but may be distributed freely in unaltered form to fans of
"Daria" everywhere, provided the authors' names and e-mail addresses
remain intact. Thank you, and good night.]
C.E. Forman firstname.lastname@example.org
Ye Olde Infocomme Shoppe http://netnow.micron.net/~jgoemmer/infoshop.html