Trick or Treat
by Barry Eshkol Adelman
Scene 1: Mr. DiMartino's class, where Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittainy, and
other assorted students are attending. Mr. DiMartino is about to speak
when a voice from the overhead speaker cuts him off. Most students
immediately turn their attention to the speaker.
Jodie: <out of view, voice through speaker with visual representation by
little squiggly lines> Good morning, Lawndale High. This is Jodie Landon,
your student body president, with the weekly morning announcements. This
past week has been a victorious one for Lawndale. In yesterday's game
against Leeville, the Lions slaughtered the competition fifteen to six...
<many students cheer, including Kevin>
Kevin: <to Brittainy> See! I told you our school's team was better!
Daria: <to Jane> I'd be hard pressed to guess which school's GPA is
Jodie: <out of view, continuing through talking> ...but the damage was
superficial. Ms. Li is offering a reward for the return of the missing
hall passes. In further news, this Halloween students will not be allowed
to attend school in costume. Any student caught wearing a costume this
Halloween will be suspended for one week, the same penalty for other
violations of the dress code. Meanwhile, Mr. O'Neill's self-esteem
Daria: <to Jane> Suspension for wearing a costume? You think she
connects it with devil-worship or hasn't found enough things about our
lives to control?
Jane: <to Daria> Probably has to do with last year when Angela dressed as
Ms. Li and did a hell of an impression.
<fade to flashback of Angela dressed as Ms. Li in cafeteria surrounded by
many enthralled students in silly costumes>
Angela: <imitating Ms. Li's voice> And, furthermore, to track the
delinquent elements within our school, each student will have electrodes
implanted in his or her brain to monitor his or her thoughts.
<surrounding students laugh, Ms. Li, dressed as a princess, looks furious
and drags Angela away; fade back to classroom>
Jane: Ms. Li was so angry that Angela nearly got expelled. If the ACLU
hadn't gotten involved, I don't know what would have happened.
Daria: It's good to know our school officials aren't humorless and petty.
Scene 2: School hallway. Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway,
occassionally passing students.
Jane: ...So you can see why I'm disappointed that I can't wear a costume
here on Halloween.
Daria: What I'd like to know is how you were able to mold real gunshot
Jane: That was the easy part. All I had to do was...
<Jane's voice fades off into the distance and all motion slows as Skyler
passes them. Daria stares at him as he passes, but Skyler doesn't notice
and goes on past them.>
Jane: Daria! Daria!
Daria: What? Oh, sorry. My mind wandered for a moment.
Jane: After Skyler Feldman? You have a crush on him, don't you?
Daria: I do not.
Jane: I've seen you look that way at Trent before. You could use a
little something more in your life, Daria. He's over there. Why don't
you talk to him?
Daria: And cheat on your brother, who I'm not even seeing? You're bad.
Jane: If it works out, I won't tell him. You'll have to be the one who
breaks his heart. Now go talk to him!
<Daria takes a deep breath, then hesitantly approaches Skyler, who is
talking with Joey>
Daria: <to Skyler> Uh, Skyler?
<Skyler and Joey look at Daria>
Daria: <nervously> I just wanted to--well--nice talking to you. <departs
back to Jane>
Jane: <to Daria> That went smoothly.
Daria: Let's go to your house, Jane.
Jane: You'd rather try talking to Trent?
Daria: You have some high staircases I can throw myself down.
Scene 3: Television screen displaying ordinary-looking people.
announcer: <out of view> Are total losers passing themselves off as cool
people? The shocking truth, next on _Sick, Sad World_!
<screen cuts to _Sick, Sad World_ logo; cut to interior of Jane's bedroom,
where Daria and Jane are watching the television>
Jane: We really should dress up for Halloween.
Daria: Get suspended for wearing mouse ears? I don't think so.
Jane: There's a principle involved here, freedom of expression. We can't
let Ms. Li get away with this gratuitous violation of our rights.
Daria: As far as violations go, this one is rather trivial.
Jane: What if we can wear costumes that she can't throw us out for?
Daria: We could dress as serial killers. Since serial killers look like
ordinary people, we would blend in.
Jane: That's not what I meant. Something that uses clothes people wear
everyday. We could dress like the chess club.
Daria: I don't think so. I'm not ready to put tape on my glasses. But
there is something better we can dress as. Do you have Andrea's number?
Scene 4: Kitchen at the Morgendorffers' house. Helen, Jake, and Quinn
are having breakfast. Jake is largely concentrating on his oatmeal.
Quinn: ...so all our plans were cancelled when Ms. Li forbid wearing
costumes to school on Halloween. Then again, it's probably for the best.
Sandi wanted us to be both scary and fashionable, but that's hard to do.
Helen: You could have always done Morticia Addams.
Quinn: Why would I want to dress as one of the first ladies? I was
thinking of dressing as Daria, but that's _too_ scary.
Helen: Quinn, that's not really nice. How would like it if Daria dressed
like you for Halloween?
<Daria enters wearing a tight pink teeshirt which exposes her midriff,
blue jeans, no glasses, and makeup; the shirt is obviously stuffed>
Daria: Good morning. Happy Halloween.
Quinn: <gasps; irritatedly> I thought you burned that outfit.
Daria: <sitting down> Now you know the difference between a bribe and a
reward. I just thought today would be a good day to wear something less
depressing for a change. Is that wrong?
Helen: Daria, you're not trying to irritate your sister, are you?
Daria: Of course not. I am simply trying to take pride in my appearance,
as you have told me I should many times, and these were the clothes I had
Helen: But did you have to wear something which is so much like Quinn's
Quinn: I do _not_ have a favorite outfit! I have many outfits, which I
wear at different times, far apart in time!
Helen: Jake, would you tell Daria why it's wrong to dress too much like
Jake: <looking up> Huh? Why, Daria, you're looking majorly cool today.
That's how it's said these days, isn't it?
Quinn: Argh! <leaves table>
Scene 5: School hallway. Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, and Quinn are walking
together. Quinn looks morose.
Sandi: It's probably for the best that they like banned costumes here. I
can't imagine what kind of weirdo outfits people would be wearing today.
Quinn: I don't know...
Daria: <speaking normally instead of her usual monotone> Hi, I'm Quinn's
sister Daria, not her cousin Daria who dresses like a weirdo. Would you
have an opening in the Fashion Club?
Sandi: <to Quinn, lowered voice> What is this? Did you give your cousin
or whatever a makeover, and maybe some drugs?
Quinn: You know, I think she really... Bye. <exits>
Daria: So, can I join the Fashion Club? I've always enjoyed clothes ever
since I was a little girl and I dressed my Barbies up in brown paper and
Tiffany: <to Sandi> She is so freaking me out. This must be Quinn's way
of getting to you.
Sandi: I don't know what you're trying to do here, but it isn't going to
Daria: <aside> Hey, Jane! Andrea! Come here! I think we're in!
<Jane and Andrea approach; Jane is dressed like Tiffany and Andrea is
dressed like Sandi>
Jane: <imitating Tiffany> I don't know, Daria, they don't look too happy.
Andrea: <imitating Sandi> Maybe they're like taking after Quinn's cousin
or something or whatever.
Daria: We should probably leave them. Our shallowness is probably
outshining theirs and making their heads hurt.
Andrea: Then let's like go look in a mirror for a while so we can soak in
our own glory.
Jane: <as she, Andrea, and Daria leave> Good idea. I need to put on
three more layers of makeup anyhow.
Tiffany: This day is getting so weird, Sandi.
Sandi: At least it can't get any worse.
<enter Mack dressed like Upchuck>
Mack: <imitating Upchuck> Good day, fiesty ladies!
Scene 6: Cafeteria. Daria and Jane are eating lunch.
Jane: How are enjoying your day as one of the attractive people?
Daria: This is so weird. Every day I walk around and get ignored, but so
far five guys who wouldn't even speak to me before have asked me out.
Jane: That's funny, only three have asked me out. This might not be so
bad after all.
Daria: Not so bad if you like idiotic, shallow people with poor
self-control. I almost had to hit Kevin to get away from him.
Jane: _Kevin_ came onto you?
Daria: I don't think he had any idea who I was. Believe me, I'd threaten
to tell Brittany if he didn't pay me but I don't think he's smart enough
to understand blackmail. Face it, as one of the beautiful people, I'm a
certified creep magnet.
Jane: Maybe you should be doing more than merely attract. Isn't that
your dreamboat Skyler over by the jocks' table?
Daria: I am not looking. I will not fall for your evil tempations once
again, but shall stand tall and pure above the moral--
Jane: <whispering> Wet your lips!
Skyler: <to Daria> Hi, my name is Skyler. Are you new around here? I
think I would remember such a beautiful face if I had seen it before.
Daria: Uh, yeah. <switches to normally modulated voice instead of
monotone> I mean, yes, I'm new. My name is Daria. I've just started
Skyler: Nice to meet you, Daria. I was wondering, if you're not busy
tonight, would you like to see a movie?
Daria: Sure, Skyler. We could, uh, well...
Jane: She wants you to pick her up at her place, seven o'clock.
Daria: Uh, yeah, my place, seven o'clock.
Scene 7: School hallway. Daria and Jane are walking together.
Daria: You had to mention Quinn, didn't you?
Jane: It was a reference point he was familiar with.
Daria: It'll probably scare him away. After what Quinn did to him, he's
not going near my place. He's probably already figured out I'm the one he
thought was Quinn's au pair.
Jane: Don't be so sure. This is, after all, Halloween, the day spooky
<Ms. Li approaches>
Li: Hold it, Ms. Morgendorffer!
Jane: <quietly> Uh-oh!
Daria: Is there a problem, Ms. Li?
Li: Every time I've passed you today you've seemed odd. You're doing
something different. I don't know what it is, but it can't be good. Open
Jane: She's onto your clever plan to take over America.
Daria: North or south? <opens bag>
<Ms. Li looks in, only to find books>
Li: <shocked> What? This can't be!
Daria: What were you expecting? My karate is good enough that I can
leave the uzi at home.
Li: <angrily> Don't kid with me, Ms. Morgendorffer! I know all about
the things you popular girls do. You bring drugs into this school, take
them into the bathrooms and share them with all your popular friends! You
better watch yourself, because when I catch you, you'll regret it!
<Daria and Jane are stunned>
Jane: She thought you were--
Daria: Don't say it. I can hardly believe it myself. Me mistaken for my
Jane: I thought I'd be mistaken for Trent first.
Daria: There's more resemblance there.
Jane: Care to go mope over being mistaken for your sister?
Daria: Are you kidding? I can't wait to see Quinn's reaction when she
finds out she was caught with books.
Scene 8: Daria's bedroom. Daria is sitting on her bed reading Henry
James' _The Turn of the Screw_; she is still wearing the jeans and
teeshirt but now has her glasses back on.
<someone knocks on the door from the other side>
Daria: <not looking up from the book> Enter at your own risk.
Quinn: What do you think you're doing?
Daria: It's called reading. You point your eyes at the funny black marks
in the books for hours and learn more than you ever could from television.
Quinn: I was talking about this costume thing. It was one thing when I
was acting like a brain but this is totally different.
Daria: Of course it is. You never really acted like a brain.
Quinn: Could you listen for a moment?
Daria: If I wanted to.
Quinn: I meant now.
Daria: <puts down book> Alright, what's on your mind?
Quinn: You dressing up like me. I mean, this is so rude. _I'm_ the one
who's supposed to be attractive and popular. If you keep acting this
<phone rings; Daria answers>
Daria: Hello? <pauses> Oh, hi. Let me give you to-- <pauses> Huh?
What about? <pauses> Uh, I might. I'll have to get back to you on that.
<pauses> Okay, bye. <hangs up>
Quinn: Who was that?
Daria: One of your fan club asking me out.
Quinn: <enragedly> Which one! Joey, Jeffy, or Jerome!
Quinn: I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust that one!
Daria: You know, Quinn, this was only supposed to be a Halloween prank,
but if it really helps my social life this much, maybe I should keep this
Quinn: You can't! Being attractive and popular is my thing! If this
keeps up, I'll just be--
Quinn: Don't you ever say that word to me! <storms out, slams door>
Daria: Daria two, Quinn nothing. It is now my turn to serve.
<Daria is about to go back to reading when Jake calls from downstairs>
Jake: <out of view> Quinn, your date is-- <pauses> Sorry. _Daria_,
your date is here!
Daria: <to herself> What the--? <starts getting up>
<Quinn charges in>
Quinn: Oh my God! It's Skyler!
Daria: He's here? I thought he thought it was a joke.
Quinn: It's _not_ a joke. Well, come on! Get going! You have to go.
You like him, don't you?
Daria: Well, sort of...
Quinn: If he likes you enough, then maybe he'll invite me also to join
his family on their yacht this summer. Come on!
Daria: It's good to know my sister cares so much for my own happiness.
Quinn: You rather I go out with him?
Jake: <out of view> Daria!
Daria: <pauses; yells through doorway> I'll be right down!
Quinn: Hurry up before he changes his mind. Enjoy your date! <exits>
Daria: <digs through drawer for temporary contacts and Dr. Shar's
temporary bust augmentation> Someday I'm going to look back on this and
laugh about it...
Scene 9: Skyler's car. Skyler drives while he talks to Daria.
Daria: Um, nice car.
Skyler: I got it for my sixteenth birthday. And not only does it look
great, it can go from zero to ninety in two seconds. Watch this.
Daria: I don't think this is such a good idea--
<cut to exterior shot of car pulling down street rapidly>
Scene 10: Chez Pierre, interior. Daria and Skyler are sitting at a table
looking at menus.
Daria: This looks awfully expensive. Are you sure you can afford this?
Skyler: Don't be silly. I eat here all the time. But someone as pretty
as you I'd expect would be taken to places like this a lot.
Daria: Actually I--
Skyler: I mean, someone with such hauntingly beautiful eyes like deep,
enchanted pools must have surely caputred the hearts of many guys.
Daria: Well, uh, I haven't noticed. Noticed too many. You know, most
guys were just, uh, you know--I wasn't interested. They were so immature.
Skyler: And so a good-looking girl like you was waiting for the right
good-looking guy like me to sweep you off your feet. I think I can deal
<cut to shot under the table, where Skyler grabs Daria's thigh; cut back
to previous view>
Daria: <jumping up> Excuse me, I need to, uh, make a phone call.
Scene 11: Jane's bedroom. Jane painting a picture of a hideous monster
attacking Mr. O'Neill when the phone rings.
Jane: <answering phone> Hello?
Daria <on other end>: Jane? It's Daria. You'll never believe where I
Jane: You're out with Skyler, aren't you?
Daria: Who tipped you off?
Jane: You sister Quinn called earlier asking me not to interfere with her
chances of being invited to use his family's boat. And she's not the only
one. The phone's been ringing off the hook. Suddenly half the school is
interested. Would you believe one of the Fashion Club actually called to
find out where we shopped?
Daria: That is a scary thought.
Jane: And the guys--I've never been asked out by so many of the shallow
type we usually despise.
Daria: That's kind of why I was calling. Skyler just grabbed me under
Jane: What were you doing under the table?
Daria: He grabbed my leg.
Jane: So soon? He must be more full of himself than I thought.
Daria: Well, for someone who talks mostly about himself and tries to
stupidly impress me, he did at least take the time to say how much he
liked my eyes.
Jane: And then he--
Daria: Yes. I wouldn't believe it if it hadn't happened to me, but he
makes Upchuck look tactful. It is official; when I pretend to be my
sister, I'm a creep magnet. I'm beginning to appreciate what a gentleman
Jane: But look at it this way: If you stay together, you two could have
a wonderfully disfunctional relationship which could last for years.
Daria: I'm not laughing. What I need is to get out of this before I make
creative use of my salad fork.
Jane: You need my help for this? <phone beeps> Hold on. <presses
button on phone> Hello? <happily> Matthew!
Scene 12: Chez Pierre, interior. Daria returns to the table, but has
removed the temporary bust augmentation and is wearing her glasses.
Daria: Hi, Skyler.
Skyler: <looking up from menu> Hi, Dar--huh?
Daria: It's just me. <tips glasses down momentarily> I thought that,
since you were being so honest about yourself with me, I ought to do the
same. And one of the things I want to be honest about is that I usually
wear glasses. I kept them in my purse just in case the contacts got too
Skyler: <stunnedly> But you're--you're--
Daria: I'm also usually of more statistically normal proportions too. I
was affected by the Halloween spirit, but fortunately I have regained
control and am myself again. So, what else can I tell you about myself?
Scene 13: Morgendorffers' living room. Quinn is watching television when
Daria enters. The sound of a car pulling away rapidly can be easily
Quinn: What are you doing back so soon? <looks at Daria, gasps> What
Daria: Skyler happened. It turned out the treat was more of a trick.
And that forced me to take the radical measure of being myself.
Quinn: How could you!
Daria: Well, first I took out the contacts--
Quinn: You don't know anything about dating, do you?
Daria: I know more than I want to know right now. Here. <takes slip of
paper out of pocket, hands it to Quinn> This is for you.
Quinn: <taking paper> What's this?
Daria: Skyler's new number, the one he got after you filled up that
answering-machine tape. After experiencing the parody, he's ready for the
real thing again.
Quinn: <happily surprised> You're kidding!
Daria: I don't think he ever quite got over you. Why don't you run along
and give him a call?
Quinn: Thanks, Daria! <exits>
Daria: <smiling> Trick or treat, Skyler.
Daria: <answers> Morgendorffer residence.
Trent: <on other end> Hey, Daria.
<final credits with _The Twilight Zone_ theme playing>